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Fighting words.

January 24, 2013

Secretary of State Leon Penetta today officially lifted the U.S.  military ban on women in combat.

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Anyone who doesn’t think women will be able to hold their own in combat has clearly never been to the first day of an after-Christmas sale.

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Phil Mickelson says his comments over maybe leaving California over taxes were “dumb” and that “it was insensitive to talk about it publicly to those people who are not able to find a job, that are struggling paycheck to paycheck.” Give Phil credit, he’s quicker with a damage control than many politicians.

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The longest two weeks in football – Super Bowl hype time. ESPN says the Chicago Cubs “did everything they could to talk Colin Kaepernick into playing baseball in 2009.” Uh, they drafted him in the 43rd round….

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Sacramento basketball fans are hoping against hope that a deal will be struck to keep Seattle from taking their Kings. Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, fans are close to begging anyone to take the Lakers.

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Regarding Tim Brown’s allegation that coach Bill Callahan “sabotaged” the Raiders in the Super Bowl…. Uh, the Patriots’ offensive coaches have to hope nobody tells this story to Gisele Bundchen.

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Trader Joe’s is raising the price of “Two-Buck Chuck,” a wine that has been $1.99 a bottle since 2002, to $2.49. I blame Obama.

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Cheap shots, concussions, DUI’s, isn’t it great to see that the NFL is focusing on what’s truly important ? The league fined 49ers’ RB Frank Gore $10,500 for wearing his socks too low during the NFL Championship Game. To be fair, it was his second offense this season….

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The NCAA is now apparently facing allegations of improper conduct in its OWN enforcement program for college athletics. In related news, I hear there might still be gambling in Casablanca.

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Manti Te’o said he only lied about his fake girlfriend briefly, just after he found out she wasn’t real in early December. So, okay, but if Deadspin hadn’t broken the story, how many more years would he have kept the fiction up?.

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Comedy writers might be feeling a little let down this week, after the Manti T’eo and Lance Armstrong stories last week. But wait, JaMarcus Russell is making a comeback. Thank you, Jesus!

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Rand Paul today in attacking Hillary Clinton called Benghazi “the worst tragedy since 9/11. And I really mean that.” Uh, really? Benghazi was awful. But the worst? Some parents in Sandy Hook and thousands of military parents might disagree, for starters.

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From Marc Ragovin:  “The Tampa Bay Rays, formerly the Devil Rays, have signed Juan Oviedo, who used to go by the name of Leo Nunez, just weeks after signnig Roberto Hernandez, who was once known as Fausto Carmona. Their home opener is against …… The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.”

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Back on the job

January 23, 2013

The NFL reinstated Saints coach Sean Payton two weeks early from his year-long suspension. Guess Roger Goodell still has hopes of being able to go into restaurants and bars during the next two weeks in New Orleans

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Andrew Luck will play in the Pro Bowl after Tom Brady pulled out due to an “undisclosed injury.” Translation – Brady is sick of settling for the Pro Bowl.

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20 degrees in Washington, D.C. So maybe some conservatives were right when they said America would re-elect President Obama when hell froze over.

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So does Beyonce have her Super Bowl recording ready yet?

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A Southwest Airlines flight aborted a takeoff from Denver when a warning light indicated a fire onboard. The jet stopped so abruptly that three tires blew out. No injuries, but wonder how long it will take to clean the seats..

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The Museum of the City of New York is showcasing one of the finalists of a “micro-apartment” contest- only 325 sq feet. And it’s still probably big enough to misplace your keys somewhere inside.

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Okay, so maybe many people expected the Los Angeles Lakers were over optimistic to think about contending for a title…. but in 2013, who thought they’d be being outplayed by the Wizards?

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You think you’ve flamed someone on FB is a bad mood, how about Anna Burns Welker, wife of Wes: “Proud of my husband and the Pats. By the way, if anyone is bored, please go to Ray Lewis’ Wikipedia page. 6 kids 4 wives. Acquitted for murder. Paid a family off. Yay! What a hall of fame player! A true role model!”

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It’s a wonderful thing that so many people who don’t usually travel were able to attend Barack Obama’s second inauguration. It is not so wonderful if you happen to be with them at the airport.

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CNN beat other cable news networks in covering President Obama’s oath and inaugural address. They drew 3.136 million viewers in all. MSNBC had 2.273 million viewers, and Fox News was last with1.316 million viewers.   But really, 1.316 Fox viewers?  Why?  They could have just waited for their anchors to tell them how bad the speech was.

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President Obama paused as he left the inauguration ceremony and said “I want to take a look one more time. I’m not going to see this again.” Hearing this Bill Clinton nudged Hillary and just smiled.

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From Gary Bachman:   “It’s so cold Lance Armstrong injected himself with soup.”

– and from Alex Kaseberg, in the “truth hurts” dept:  the truth hurts:   The worst part about Lance Armstrong being exposed as a liar, a bully and a cheater? It is admitting the French were right to despise him. Oh, man, how that hurts . . .

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Second time around.

January 22, 2013

Bizarre thing about Monday’s inauguration, President Obama was actually really sworn in again on Sunday. So the entire ceremony is about as real as a Manti T’eo engagement party.

So now that Obama has been inaugurated for his second term, how long until we see the first ads for the 2016 Presidential campaign?

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President Obama stumbled over the word “states” in his inaugural oath. Maybe he was thinking of the ones he wishes would secede?

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So in another generation will the President and Vice President take an oath on a iPad bible?

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Paul Ryan was booed as he left the Capitol this morning to attend President Barack Obama’s second inauguration ceremony. Wonder if the boos were from Democrats, or Republicans who think he lost Romney the election.

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President Obama said in his speech. “Any of us may face a job loss.” And Republican members of Congress on the platform are thinking “Why couldn’t it have been you?

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Phil Mickelson, who lives in Rancho Santa Fe, is saying he may have to make “drastic changes” because of new California tax laws that push his effective tax rate into what he says is 62-63%. Maybe Phil, who earned over $60 million last year, should talk to his near-neighbor, new La Jolla resident Mitt Romney.

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Investigators say that tests showed Lance Armstrong was probably still doping in 2009, so that he lied when he told Oprah he stopped in 2005. So the formerly idolized cyclist was still less than honest, I’m shocked, shocked….

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Atari filed for bankruptcy Monday. Shocking most Americans – “Atari is still in business?”

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Bill Clinton, paying close attention to Kelly Clarkson’s…. lyrics?

Image

Well, at least he’s consistent.

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Oh, brother.

January 21, 2013

Harbaugh Bowl here we come.

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The story is that Joanie Harbaugh, sister to John and Jim, is the most competitive of the Harbaugh siblings. Wonder how many NFL teams will be lining up to offer her a contract.

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Actually the Super Bowl itself should be no problem. But what John and Jim Harbaugh’s parents really want to do is to hide out from the media for 13 days of interview hell.

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Well, now that the SF 49ers are going to the Super Bowl, maybe they finally can get some corporation to pony up over $300 million for naming rights for their as yet unnamed Santa Clara stadium opening in 2014.

Monte T’eo has agreed to an televised interview with Katie Couric. Did even Oprah find his potential explanations unbelievable?

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Okay, I know I personally got distracted by the Manti T’eo girlfriend issue and Lance Armstrong but watching the 49ers Falcons game have to figure the  NFL outlawed pass defense last week while we weren’t paying attention?

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Happiest football fans in the country right now: anyone who went to Vegas and bet the “over” on the 49ers-Falcons. (Which was about 49.)

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Open note to all NFL players: Yes, I understand your exuberance over a good play, but is it really necessary to dance when it’s early in the first quarter?

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It took over five hours for Novak Djokovic to beat Stanislas Wawrinka in an Australian Open match. Five hours?! That’s almost as long as the opening remarks for a Joe Biden speech.

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Although the New York Jets hired Philadelphia Eagles offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg, they apparently have no interest in Michael Vick. Which is bad news, for comedy writers.

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Missed SNL this week, of course with Manti T’eo, Lance Armstrong, Jodie Foster’s speech, etc…felt like the entire week was an episode of SNL.

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At Newark Airport, a United Airlines employee was injured today when he was pinned between a luggage cart and a food service truck. Most travelers were shocked – United still has food trucks?

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Love Story for our time?

January 19, 2013

Having a fake girlfriend means never having to say you’re sorry.

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How quickly things can change. Was it only last week that the most talked about story involving a college football player and his girlfriend involved Brent Musberger?

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So someday will they make a documentary about this Subway Footlong controversy, and name it “Jared and the Angry Inch?”

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Cincinnati lineman Andre Smith was arrested Friday and charged with carrying a loaded gun at Atlanta’s airport. Well even though they are out of the playoffs, good to see that the Bengals are keeping in mid-season form.

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Regarding this latest NFL player caught with a loaded handgun at the airport: women may carry purses and have no idea of everything that’s inside them… but we don’t tend to forget things like a loaded .380 pistol.

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Private gun sales are being banned at a North Carolina gun show after three people were injured in an accidental shooting involving a 12-gauge shotgun. Waiting for the NRA to demand armed guards at gun shows

 

 

As we head into Inaugural weekend, the Dow and S&P 500 finished the week at their highest levels since December 2007. I blame Obama.

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The NHL opens their strike-shortened season tonight. Responded most Americans – “did we miss something?” –

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In a recent Gallup poll, 75% of Americans said they would vote for term limits for the House and Senate. About the same percentage who vote to re-elect their own members of Congress.

 

The SF 49ers’ Michael Crabtree is being questioned in a sexual assault case. Where’s a fantasy girlfriend when you need one?

 

With all these hoaxes going around has anyone checked to make sure if the Washington Wizards really won that road game against the Denver Nuggets Thursday?

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Earl Weaver passed away Saturday morning at the age of 82. Wonder who he’ll be kicking dirt on in heaven tonight?

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Hard as it might be for the younger generation to understand, Stan Musial became an icon without ever appearing on SportsCenter.

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from my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  ” How annoying was Nicki Minaj on “American Idol”? If Nicki Minaj was Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend, he would have broken up with her before she died.”

 

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Life in the fantasy lane.

January 18, 2013

Some are criticizing Manti T’eo for still talking about his girlfriend even after he found out she wasn’t real. But hey, plenty of people live with a fantasy they know doesn’t exist… like Cubs fans and their team in the World Series..

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Lance Armstrong not getting much positive feedback from his Oprah interview. Even O.J. Simpson is thinking “Dude, show some remorse.”

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Lance Armstrong told Oprah in the second part of his interview, that “I think I deserve” another chance. And “do I want to compete again? Hell, yes.”

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Will he ever be allowed to compete again?  IMHO, Hell, no.

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So when can we expect a Pulitzer Prize winning story on Manti T’eo and his girlfriend to be written by Janet Cooke?

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So, as this Lance Armstrong saga just won’t go away, anyone else hoping that the silver lining is that Sheryl Crow writes a really good song out of it?

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The FDA has now also approved Botox for treating patients with overactive bladder. So women who want to pretend they aren’t having work done can walk into the doctor’s office carrying a box of Depends.

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This Manti Te’o story gets weirder and weirder. Many college football fans are already hoping to get back to a more innocent time when the only fakes involving players are their transcripts.

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TSA wants all 535 members of Congress to start use Pre-Check lanes, as they “are known and trusted.” As if we needed more proof that the agency is out of touch -“known” yes, but “trusted?” Really?

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At Miami International Airport no one was injured but an Aerolineas Argentinas Airbus and Air France 777 sustained damage in a collision near their gates. Insert “foreign drivers in Florida” joke here:

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: University of California President Mark Yudof’s, who presided over a reduced pension plan for UC employees, has announced he will retired in August. Because the timing will mean Yudof will have been on the job five years, he will collect a lifetime pension of $230,000…..

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The SF Giants have signed Hunter Pence to a $13.8 million one year contract. Thus making his clubhouse pep talk before the Giants first elimination game the best paid speech in history.

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Ray Nagin, former Mayor of New Orleans, was indicted today on 21 federal corruption charges, including bribery, money laundering, fraud and filing false tax returns. Gosh, this almost qualifies Nagin to run for Governor of Louisiana.

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In Connecticut, a Catholic priest busted for allegedly dealing crystal meth was suspended after church officials discovered he was a cross-dresser who was having sex in the rectory with other. men. The Vatican is relieved, at least his partners were adults.

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He’s back….

January 18, 2013

clint

Photo sent to me by a friend of Clint  back  at work. This time  interviewing Manti T’eo’s girlfriend.

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One advantage to those imaginary girlfriend’s. They never ask you “Do these pants make me look fat?”

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Notre Dame is in major damage control mode.  Rumor has it they first tried to prove the girlfriend’s existence, but soon realized that proof of her voting in Chicago wouldn’t count.

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So what was Manti Te’o’s major at Notre Dame? Drama? Or Creative Writing?

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Marc Ragovin wonders if Manti went to Notre Dame or No Dame?

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This just in, as a way to cut down on illegitimate children and embarrassment to the league, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is recommending all players start having fantasy girlfriends.

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A silver lining for having a fantasy girlfriend? Manti T’eo will now forever be the favorite football player of a million Trekkies.

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And just last week we thought the most embarrassing thing to happen to Notre Dame football this year would be their performance against Alabama….

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Not sure if Lance Armstrong has any regrets after this week, but at least he has to be glad he didn’t plan to blame his doping on an imaginary girlfriend.

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Also not sure how much truth was in Lance Armstrong’s interview with Oprah.   But as to these sentences…  “This is too late. It’s too late for probably most people. And that’s my fault…” Yeah, right on all three counts.

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Things are getting contentious again in Washington. Fully expect House Republicans to ask President Obama to cut costs by exchanging Air Force One for a Dreamliner.

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Boeing 787 Dreamliners around the world have been grounded due to potential fire risk with battery failures. United Airlines, the only U.S. carrier to fly the planes, says they will resume flying 787s when it is both deemed safe and they figure out how to charge a battery surcharge.

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In a closed-door meeting Rep. Paul Ryan gave other House Republicans his advice about how to battle President Obama. Well yeah, and that worked so well last November.

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Ah, priorities. Arnold Schwarzenegger introduced himself in an online post, in order as “Former Mr. Olympia, Conan, Terminator, and Governor of California.” Well, to be fair, Arnold had more success with the first three.

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Fast food uproar after an Australia man posted a picture of a Subway foot-long sandwich that he measured at 11 inches. Women are rolling their eyes, figuring clearly it was a man who over-advertised the length in the first place.

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Whole Foods founder and CEO John Mackey says now he regrets recently comparing Obamacare to “fascism.” Mostly because someone probably told him that most Whole Foods customers voted for the President.

(although speaking of feeling like being in  a fascist system, try going into Whole Foods without a reusable bag…oh the horror.  I think in Northern California you’d stand out less with a Romney-Ryan button.)

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Fantasy football?

January 17, 2013

A Notre Dame Heisman candidate with a fake dead girlfriend…. As my friend Michael Santos says “Manti Teo, everyone’s favorite fantasy pick…”   –

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A rout MIGHT have been expected, but okay, with this year’s BCS National Championship, who predicted that the Alabama football program could also end up on the higher moral ground?

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And here most people thought the 2013 BCS game was the most embarrassing thing that could happen to Notre Dame football.   –

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November 30, 2013. Notre Dame vs. Stanford football in Palo Alto. Wonder if the the Stanford Band has already been warned “Don’t even DREAM of a dead girlfriend show…”

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American Idol started tonight. Which will be a nice diversion for Americans tired of watching Congress – aka American Idle.

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While a Southern California teacher lost her appeal over being fired for previous acting in porn films, up in Northern California, a police officer arrested when he was caught naked in a Motel 6 with a prostitute still has his job. What a country.

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Alex Rodriguez underwent successful hip surgery today. With an average 6-month recovery time the Yankees slugger expects to be back in plenty of time to do nothing in the playoffs.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  “The Post Office will sue Lance Armstrong for the $30 million in sponsorship money. That is when you know you’re in trouble when the Post Office is suing you for doing a bad job.”

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I’m thinking maybe Lance can pay them back by sharing some of his stuff. Because if any government agency needs PEDs..

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All this commotion about Lance Armstrong… Think how much better his reputation would be in the long run if years ago he just came out and said “Yeah, I doped, you couldn’t find a cyclist who didn’t. But I was the only one who did it after surviving cancer.”

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This Lance Armstrong circus coming on the heels of the Baseball Hall of Fame vote is making me long for the innocence of pro wrestling.

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Talk show host Michael Savage says you shouldn’t get a flu shot, because the government can’t be trusted. And presumably when you get sick you shouldn’t go to any doctor who went to public school or got his/her MD from a state university?

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ESPN reports that after USC lost to Georgia 21-7 in the Sun Bowl a “flat-out brawl” broke out in the team’s locker room. The brawl probably featured the Trojans hitting hard than they did in the game.

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Chip Kelly is very optimistic about his new job in Philadelphia. The new Eagles coach even figures by his second season he will finally have a team good enough to beat Alabama.

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Philadelphia fans are excited about getting Chip Kelly. Stanford fans are pretty pleased too!

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Kim Kardashian said on the Today Show that her pregnancy was a “pleasant surprise” because of her “fertility issues.” Gosh, so she was struggling to conceive all 72 days of her marriage?

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Oh baby.

January 16, 2013

Kim Kardashian says while she’s very happy with her baby daddy Kanye West, she’s not “in a rush” to get married again. Of course not, why try to sell another televised wedding when you can sell baby pictures.

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Kim and Kanye’s baby will likely be born the same month as Prince William and Kate’s baby.  Assume that Buckingham Palace has already responded to a Kardashian request for play dates with “Not bloody likely.”

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Denver Broncos offensive coordinator Mike McCoy has accepted the San Diego Chargers’ head coaching job. Well, this is one way for McCoy to reduce the chances of being criticized for his calls late in future playoff games.

 

Is it too soon for Boeing to rename it the “Nightmare Liner?”

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An Oxnard California teacher lost her appeal after she was fired last spring when students discovered she had appeared in porn films. Wonder how many fathers are signing petitions for THEIR childrens’ schools to give her a second chance.

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Eighteen severed human heads were discovered by customs agents at Chicago’s O’Hare airport. Authorities are trying to discover if the heads are medical specimens. If not, will they be searching topless bars?

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A Florida lawyer is suing the Spurs for sending their stars home from a road trip early, saying that fans attending San Antonio’s game against the Miami Heat “suffered economic damages” because they paid a premium price for a ticket to see a good team. Yikes. If he is successful, bring on the class action suit from Lakers fans.

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Not saying relations are combative between the White House and the GOP.. But at this point expect that if President Obama throws out the first pitch on Opening Day, some Republicans will call it a balk.

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The World Anti-Doping Agency says that Lance Armstrong’s confession to Oprah will not be enough to seek a reduction in his lifetime ban from sports. Have to assume that means Oprah now won’t be getting that additional interview with Pete Rose.

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Wal-Mart says it will commit to hiring every veteran who honorably left the military in the last year, over 100,000 people. Which is a good thing, although have to wonder how much it mattered to Wal-Mart that these new hires will come with their own healthcare benefits.

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The U.S. House just approved an aid package for states affected by Superstorm Sandy by a 241-180 vote. Assuming those 180 votes come from members of Congress who never intend to ask for disaster relief for their own states?

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Cry me a river… Seine?

January 15, 2013

Lance Armstrong was reportedly in tears when he talked to his Livestrong staff today. So maybe he confessed, or maybe this is just the first step towards a new goal of becoming Speaker of the House.

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Lance Armstrong apparently confessed his doping to Oprah in an interview taped today at a downtown Austin hotel. Wonder if the 7-time Tour de France winner stopped on the way at a stable to close the door and look for escaped horses.

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Three straight wins for the Washington Wizards?! Quick, someone test for PEDs.

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USC has fired their head coach. Trojan fans were sorry to hear it was for men’s basketball, and not Lane Kiffin.

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Coca Cola is running a new anti-obesity ad. Isn’t that like John Boehner doing an ad on the dangers of tanning booths? Or John Edwards and Mark Sanford doing a bipartisan ad defending marriage

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Ann Romney turned down a chance to be a contestant on “Dancing With the Stars.” Wonder if Ann was afraid she would hurt Mitt’s feelings if she won a national election.

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The San Francisco Police Dept. said there were 92 people ejected from the 49ers playoff game Saturday, and 25 people more arrested for public intoxication. Responded Oakland Raiders fans -“Amateurs.”

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Major League Baseball will allow interpreters on the mound this year to translate managers and coaches for their pitchers. Think maybe next the league will allow interpreters into the broadcast booth to translate Tim McCarver into less pretentious English?

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Gov. Jan Brewer says now Arizona will agree to the Medicaid expansion that is part of Obamacare, saying that if she did not accept the Medicaid funds, other states would. Of course, it’s only wasteful government spending if it doesn’t benefit me.

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A former Mafia underboss is saying that Jimmy Hoffa is buried in Detroit. Presumably somewhere that didn’t get a lot of traffic, like the Lions’ end zone.

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MLB’s rules committee may declare this year that the fake-to-third, throw-to-first pickoff move is a balk. Well, not like it caught anyone but Barry Bonds anyway.

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Since they’ve already cancelled so many NHL games why don’t they just declare the entire season at this point one big playoff and go from there?

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Golden girl?

January 14, 2013

Hollywood is abuzz about Jodie Foster’s semi-coming out speech at  the Golden Globes speech tonight.  Which really was about as shocking  a bombshell will have to wait for Lance Armstrong’s confession will be to Oprah.

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Forget the controversy over whether or not “Zero Dark Thirty” needs a disclaimer…. no one’s going to top Amy Poehler’s line on director Kathryn Bigelow. ““When it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron.”

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If any woman didn’t already have enough reasons to love Hugh Jackman, hard to beat closing an award acceptance speech by telling your wife she is ALWAYS right.

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Saw “Argo” Sunday.  I’m no film critic. But hard to believe there were really five directors who did a better job in 2012 than Ben Affleck.  (And apparently the Hollywood Foreign Press agrees with me.)

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The NY Mets apparently are taking a look at erstwhile SF Giants closer Brian Wilson. What’s more optimistic – that Wilson will return to form after his second Tommy John surgery? Or that the Mets will have games to close?

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In Paris, hundreds of thousands of people marched to protest the French president’s plan to allow gay couples to marry and adopt children. And this is the country that ridicules the U.S. for making a big deal of politicians who have mistresses?

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The world’s oldest person, Koto Okubo, 115, died Saturday in Japan. The best part of this story – she had lived in the same nursing home as one of her sons.

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Who knows what next week will bring . But Atlanta Falcons may have set a record today for survival after serious self-asphyxiation.

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Denver Broncos thought they were the biggest NFL choke story of the year. Turns out they were barely the biggest choke story of the weekend.

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49ers fans may not like the prospect of going to Atlanta, but SF Bay Area fans sure had to enjoy the look on Pete Carroll’s face at the end of the Falcons-Seahawks game.

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Colin Powell said today on “Meet the Press” that he’s still a member of the Republican Party. The questions is whether some GOP members of Congress can honestly say the same thing.

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Nate Silver predicted that the Seattle Seahawks would be in the Super Bowl. Maybe Pete Carroll should have consulted with Silver as to whether he thought the odds favored icing the Falcons’ field goal kicker.

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January 13 was apparently the 12th annual “No Pants Subway Ride” day around the world. Which means for those in the know that  January 14 will be the 12th annual “Stand Up Instead of Sitting on the Subway Seats” day.

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From Bill Littlejohn:    “Callers to 9-1-1 in Virginia reported seeing a lion that turned out to be a dog.  Detroit fans can certainly identify.”

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Not dead, sleeping?

January 13, 2013

There are rumors that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is actually dead. Even so he might be more effective than the U.S Congress.

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So how did the Broncos somehow snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory tonight? Is it just possible that maybe God doesn’t want Tim Tebow disrespected?

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A New York City school bus strike could start Wednesday and might keep 152,000 children from getting to class. Talk about a way to turn impressionable young minds into union sympathizers.

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So after almost a month of post-season football I’m confused, which playoff game is sponsored by Poulan Weed-Eater?

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Just once would like to see a defensive player flagged for pass interference indicate “Yeah, you caught me” as opposed to the injured innocence “Who, me?” –
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Even Doug Flutie is thinking that Flacco pass  was unbelievable.Beyonce apparently is now releasing a sonogram of her pregnancy with Blue Ivy. Enough to make you long for the innocent old days of wardrobe malfunctions.
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Theo Epstein says the Chicago Cubs don’t want to be known as “loveable losers.” So he’s going to have them stop being loveable?
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Wells Fargo posted a record profit in its 2012 fourth quarter. You know what that means- banking fees are going up.
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Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who resigned after the fallout from his extramarital affair, will announce that he will run in a special election for a House seat. Amongst his likely opponents, Sanford’s ex-wife Jenny. Now there’s a debate I’d pay to watch.
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The Toronto Blue Jays have signed catcher Henry Blanco, 41 to a 1-year $750,000 non-guaranteed contract. “Only one year? Give the young man some time to develop,” said Jamie Moyer.
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So who did Peyton Manning think he was at the end near the end of that Ravens-Broncos game?  Brett Favre?
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The White House has responded to petitions from Americans in several states asking permission to secede, saying the Supreme Court confirmed the “Constitution, in all its provisions, looks to an indestructible Union composed of indestructible States.” In short, “no”. But really, would it kill us to lose Florida?
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Gary M. on the Kobe-Vanessa Bryant reconciliation – “They likely just sat down and hashed everything out over a couple of DeBeers.”

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Can we handle the truth?

January 12, 2013

USA Today says that Lance Armstrong will admit to doping in his interview with Oprah Winfrey. What’s Oprah’s next scoop…getting Joan Rivers to admit she’s had work done?

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Kobe Bryant and his estranged wife Vanessa have reconciled. Men want the name of Kobe’s lawyer. Women want the name of his jeweler.

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Okay, so he was talking about the struggles of the Lakers vs. those of the Heat.   But Lebron James’ direct quote was “No one will ever be able to compare to what we went through.” Proving that color is no barrier to “white people problems”

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Anyone but me have a problem with the NRA’s plan to arm people that many of their constituency consider union thugs?

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Three juniors from Alabama have announced they will leave school early to enter the NFL Draft. It’s not just the money, the players figure football will be much less stressful without worrying about not going to class.

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.The Dallas Cowboys have hired Monte Kiffin as their defensive coordinator. USC Trojans fans are just hoping Monte will try to bring his son with him.

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In the Ohio House, Rep. Peter Beck faces an ethics investigation due to a civil lawsuit alleging he participated in a fraud that cheated investors out of more than $1 million. But Speaker William Batchelder still appointed King chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee. Guess this translates, “If you have the Means, we will find a Way.”

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You can’t make this stuff up: Airline traveler asks if he can have an exit row seat for his mother as she has a hard time moving around and needs the legroom.

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Georgia Rep. Phil Gingrey, an OB-GYN, said Todd Akin was “partly right” when he said women’s bodies can avoid pregnancy in cases of “legitimate rape,” because adrenaline can cause you not to ovulate. Forget this women’s bodies shutting down stuff, what can we do to get some men’s mouths to shut down?

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After the HOF vote Roger Clemens tweeted that he wasn’t “overly surprised” but thanking his supporters and ending the statement “Muchie Peachie.” “Muchie Peachie?!” OK, steroids don’t just shrink your testicles, they turn you into a 10 yr old girl.

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For $100, Facebook users can send a message to Mark Zuckerberg’s inbox. Wonder how much they charge to have him read it?

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Phil Jackson said the Lakers might have a “come to Jesus moment” to make the playoffs. Maybe, but more like a Jesus moment involving Lazarus.

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Anyone needing a reason to try turning into “Nashville” on Wednesday nights, try this line, when one singer accuses another of hating her -“”I only hate sunburns and hangovers, this is just business.”

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Nate Silver is now predicting the Seattle Seahawks will make the Super Bowl. Of course real brilliance would have been to make that prediction in September.

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How do they get that “dumb jock” image?

January 11, 2013

Oakland Raiders LB Rolando McClain was cited in Georgia for overly dark tinted car windows. But he signed the citation “F*ck y’all,” and told the officer it was his real name.   McClain was then arrested for giving a false name to law enforcement.

The Pittsburgh Steelers waived RB Chris Rainey after an arrest for domestic violence, a  little more than 2 years after he was dismissed from the U of Florida football team for a similar arrest and reinstated 28 days later by then coach Urban Meyer. Yeah, clearly Rainey learned his lesson….

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Instead of toys, McDonald’s restaurants in England are now giving away books with Happy Meals. Responded many U.S. children “What are books?”

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Jerry Buss said the Lakers are a “very, very solid team.” “Solid?”” Right, like petrified wood.

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Smart people, foolish choices: Stanford decided to have a Rose Bowl celebration featuring trophy photo opportunities, and team autographs before a men’s basketball game. And the date and time they picked – 7p, Sat. Jan 12.    Not like any football fans in the Bay Area will be doing anything.

(for non-football fans,  SF 49ers-Green Bay at 5p, in San Francisco.)

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New Jacksonville GM David Caldwell says he can’t “imagine a scenario where” Tim Tebow “will be a Jacksonville Jaguar.” Well, and the team has been doing so well without him.

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In Berkeley, CA, residents are fighting a proposed new 24-hour 7- Eleven. Wow. If there’s ever a city where folks NEED that 3:00am Doritos fix….

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from Marc Ragovin:   (groaner time)    “Kevin Garnett, who has a history of lobbing personal insults at opponents, is once again under fire for telling Carmelo Anthony that his wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios during a recent game. I think it’s pretty obvious that Garnett is a cereal offender.”

Keith Ratliff, who called himself a “gun nut” and worked on Youtube videos for a site focused on high-powered firearms, was found shot to death in his Georgia home. (Police said the home contained “multiple weapons.”) Yeah, karma’s a mean bitch, and so is her sister “irony.”

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Just don’t understand the Academy’s snub of Ben Affleck. I mean, I’ve never even heard a whisper that the Argo director was taking PEDs.

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Some reports indicate almost 10% of MLB players have a prescription for Adderall, an amphetamine used to treat ADHD. Yet, without a prescription, taking the drug is grounds for suspension in baseball and football. Okay, your move, Hall of Fame voters….

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A California high school student is in custody after a teacher talked him into dropping his shotgun. This after the 16 year old allegedly had shot at two fellow students and critically wounded one. Waiting for the NRA to say the teacher should have just been armed and returned fire.

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“Nothing bad happened”

January 10, 2013

No one was elected to the Hall of Fame today. So regarding the “steroid era” is this going to be like the Family Guy episode with the tour in Germany when Brian asks what happened between 1939-1945? And the guide says, “Everyone was on vacation.”

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If the Baseball Hall of Fame really wanted to make a statement about PED’s they should have elected Jamie Moyer. Since we know he got 269 wins without PED’s. (If he had been on ‘roids his fastball would have hit at least 70.)

 

If the real issue with PED’s is that they are illegal does that mean we need to eject all baseball Hall of Fame members who drank alcohol between 1920 and 1933?

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Temperatures in the San Francisco Bay Area will dip below freezing this weekend. Thereby proving the point of some who probably said years ago that it would be a cold day in hell if Barry Bonds wasn’t a first ballot Hall of Famer.

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The NYC Fire Department said the high-speed ferry that crashed this morning had a “hard landing” Ya think? Almost as hard a landing as Notre Dame’s BCS title hopes.

(on a serious note, the injuries apparently were almost all people falling, in some cases down stairs.  A reminder, maybe if you stand up getting off a ferry or anything else that moves, good idea to have at least one hand on a railing instead of one holding a briefcase and one on a smartphone…)

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Some think Phil Jackson has to thanking his lucky stars that he turned down the Los Angeles Lakers’ job. But I figure Phil thinks if he took the job, they’d be in first place by now.

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A new NIH study said that diet soda drinkers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression. Maybe when they find out that diet drinks don’t offset large quantities of potato chips, ice cream and pizza?

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John Wall hopes to join the Wizards for his season debut Saturday. Isn’t this like somehow getting aboard mid-voyage of the Titanic?

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So since it’s about character and being “natural” will this year’s Academy Awards exclude drug users and anyone who has had plastic surgery?

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From my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  No one was elected this year to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Now, if we could just do that with Congress.

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Well, a couple days ago I posted how Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly claimed that leaving Notre Dame “is not an option. I don’t even think about it.” Today sources said Kelly interviewed with the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, maybe Brian can stop by the confessional on his way out.

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AIG, who took a $182 billion bailout from the U.S. govt, has apparently changed their mind about joining a lawsuit against the terms of that bailout. Even the folks at Penn State fighting NCAA sanctions were thinking “Have you no shame?”

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BCS Controversy?

January 9, 2013

ESPN apologized for Brent Musburger’s comment.about QB A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend Katherine Webb, Miss Alabama: “You quarterbacks, you get all the good-looking women. What a beautiful woman. Wow!” I guess the comment can be seen as objectifying, but really, isn’t that partly the purpose of the Miss USA pageant?

 

Another thought on all this controversy over Brent Musberger’s “beautiful woman” etc. comment during last night’s game: Faith Hill is a great singer. But does anyone think she’d be doing the intro song for Sunday Night Football if she looked like Susan Boyle?

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Rough morning after in South Bend. Last time Notre Dame alums were so embarrassed, priests were involved.

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Lance Armstrong reportedly will give a tell-all interview to Oprah. So will he jump up and down on her couch yelling “I loved PEDs?”

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Phil Jackson told an interviewer today “I have no intention of ever coaching again.” Translation, let’s see how desperate the Lakers get next year.

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The Obama administration says they may pull all troops from Afghanistan in 2014. Why wait?

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Shocking. The screenwriter for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie said in an interview that “There is going to be a lot of sex in the film, it will be rated NC-17.” Which still means the odds of being seated behind a couple trying to bring a baby in are better than you think.

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Good news, bad news for Congress: A Public Policy Polling survey showed they are less popular than than cockroaches, lice, root canals and colonoscopies. But they were more popular than John Edwards, the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, and gonorrhea.

(of course, given gerrymandered districts, one difference between Congress and gonorrhea….it’s easier to get rid of gonorrhea.)

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The Jets have said quarterbacks coach Matt Cavanaugh will not return in 2013. And Cavanaugh has to be thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

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David Bowie, 66, has a new single. And he’s thinking of redoing some old music. Of course now when Ziggy Stardust falls he can’t rise up.

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Gary M’s comment on Rand Pauls 19 yr old son being arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct….

“On US Air, he was a criminal. On American, he would’ve been a pilot.”

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Star DE recruit Kylie Fitts, set to enroll at USC next week, decommitted today from the Trojans: :Something happened recently that questioned my trust in USC, so I’m reopening my recruitment.” Broken trust? With Lane Kiffin involved? I am shocked, shocked. …

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The 2013 college football schedule is out, and the only top 10 teams Alabama is facing are Texas A & M and LSU…. But hey, maybe Tennessee-Chattanooga can derail the three-peat.

 

A new Facebook AP “Help,  My Friend Gave Me the Flu” is a new app that looks through your friends’ pages looking for words that indicate they might be sick, along with late-night postings, indicating that are having trouble sleeping. 

Uh, first thought, how much paranoia will this induce in people whose friends are healthy night owls? 

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Really? Apparently “The Bachelor,” Sean Lowe, is a “born-again virgin.” According to a report in Star magazine “He’s had sex with four women in his life, but he rededicated himself to God and hasn’t slept with a woman in years.” Where is Bristol Palin when you need her?

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Bowled over? More like at least the bowls are over.

January 8, 2013

Okay, so this whole convoluted system produced exactly one semi-close BCS bowl game – Stanford 20-14 over Wisconsin. In the same Pac 10/12-Big 10 Rose Bowl match up that existed before the BCS got started.

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Ah yes, SEC dominance. And Alabama only lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to LSU and Florida. And Florida lost to Louisville, who only lost to Syracuse and Connecticut. And Connecticut only lost to NC State, Temple. Rutgers, USF, Cincinnati, Syracuse and Western Michigan.

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Sorry Notre Dame, God had only one miracle planned for this evening and he used it on the Washington Wizards against the Oklahoma City Thunder.

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Wonder if at halftime Notre Dame coach invoked St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes.

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The best drama in the BCS championship was between Alabama’s QB and his center.

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Could there have been a better-matched amateur opponent for Alabama in the second half? I think Mark Sanchez and the Jets were available.

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Oops, A computer glitch at Ticketmaster resulted in President Obama’s two official inaugural balls being sold out hours before they were supposed to go on sale. Proving once again that the private sector can easily match the government for incompetence.

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According to ESPN sources, the Cotton Bowl is a “prohibitive favorite” to host the first college football national playoff title game on Jan. 12, 2015.. Well, that’s one way to get a meaningful future postseason game in Dallas.

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For many Monday was the first work day of 2013. You know what that means, time to stop writing 2011 on papers and checks.

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In Florida, nearly 400 people have signed up for the Python Challenge, where for a month in the Everglades they can try to shoot the invasive snakes that threaten the local wildlife. Neither experience with snakes nor hunting licenses are required, except for under-18s. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

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Burger King ran a commercial today during the NFL playoffs about what was “our best Whopper.” Bill Clinton overheard and thought “probably ‘I did not have sex with that woman.'”

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Zach Ertz, who red-shirted his freshman year is foregoing his last year of eligibility at Stanford, and will enter the NFL draft, graduating in June with a B.S. in Management Science and Engineering. Darn those Cardinal four-and-done athletes.

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A new book “The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success.” says the jobs with the highest rate of psychopaths. 1 CEO, 2. Lawyer, 3. Media (TV-Radio) 4. Salesperson, 5. Surgeon, 6. Journalist, 7. Police, 8. Clergy, 9. Chef, 10. Civil servant. What? No politicians?  (Or professional athletes?)

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly turned down a $3 million offer for their baby’s first photos. Presumably because they’re holding out for a higher offer?

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Rand Paul’s 19 yr old son was arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct. I blame Obama.

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Is there some unwritten rule that Staples Center in Los Angeles can only be home to one good NBA team at a time?

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Not their Luck-y day.

January 6, 2013

Some thought the Colts’ fairytale story could continue deep into the postseason. Quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.”

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Russell Wilson gave up a promising baseball career to play football.  Not sure who’s more upset about that now, MLB fans or the Washington Redskins.

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And okay, it’s the year of the rookie QB, but as to “last man standing,” who had Wilson?

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Not saying Russell Wilson is short, but he looks up to Doug Flutie. Literally.

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The AP has published their final election 2012 totals, and Mitt Romney got 47 percent of the vote. You’re a mean bitch, Karma.

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“Catmoji” has just launched. The first social network for cats. Presumably instead of “like” there will be an “ignore” button.

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Mamie Rearden, 114, just died, only 16 days after she became America’s oldest person. And her predecessor, Dina Manfredini, 115, died after being the oldest for less than two weeks. We’ve finally found a title that is more dangerous than being #3 with Al Qaeda.

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Syracuse coach Doug Marrone is leaving to coach the Buffalo Bills. Well, not sure what motivates Marrone, but it sure isn’t weather.

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Good that they usually end up getting it right. But how many of football’s most famous plays (Flutie’s Hail Mary, the Immaculate Reception, etc.. ) would have been a little different if they needed a 2-minute pause and then “After further review, the ruling on the field stands…”

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Always hated those TV bits early in football games where some starters introduce themselves and the universities they may or may not have graduated from. But got to love the Vikings DE last night – “Jared Allen, Culinary Academy.”

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The Bengals’ Andy Dalton on Saturday had one of the worst NFL playoff passing games in history. But Rex Ryan would still probably keep him in over Tim Tebow.

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Coach Brian Kelly says that leaving the Fighting Irish for the NFL “isn’t an option.” Right, like he told his Bearcats players in Dec. 2009 about Notre Dame: “It’s not an issue; I’m not going there. I love Cincinnati, and I’m staying here.”‘

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Nick Saban has sent two backup Alabama players home from the BCS championship game for violating curfew. So wonder if they were the only players who missed their bed check, or the only non-starters who missed their bed check.

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Thirty second Super Bowl ads going for $3.8M are almost sold out.   The New York Jets are rumored to have purchased a spot trying to sell a couple of QBs.

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So the same “sources” that had Oregon coach Chip Kelly gone to the NFL yesterday now have him returning to the Ducks. Hmm, maybe those NCAA sanctions against Oregon aren’t as imminent as we thought.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:   “A battery powered toothbrush that was ticking set off a bomb scare at Atlanta’s airport. Apparently the TSA agents in Georgia had never actually encountered a toothbrush before.”

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(my follow up thought.  No report on who the traveler in question was, but guess we can assume he or she was not from England.)

 

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Japanese automaker Toyota announced plans to unveil their self-driving car research. Okay, there is no way to make a P.C. Asian driver joke here…

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Oh say can you almost see Opening Day…

January 5, 2013

Opening night for Major League Baseball will be on ESPN Sunday, March 31, with the Astros against the Rangers. Might be the only night of the year the Houston Astros are nationally televised.

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Turns out Rex Ryan has a tattoo on his arm of his wife wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey and nothing else. Well, this is an twist on the usual joke that a lousy player who’s still getting game time must have hidden pictures of the coach naked or something.

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Nancy Pelosi posted a picture of all the House Democratic women posing on the Capitol steps. But the picture included photo-shopped images of four women who actually hadn’t made it to the photo shoot. Shocking, Pelosi might try to doctor an appearance?

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These are not your father’s Republicans: Former GOP senator Chuck Hagel is reported to be Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Defense. And Sen. Lindsey Graham said on Dec. 30 there would be “very little Republican support” for his nomination.

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The Chicago Bears are now apparently interviewing Montreal Alouettes coach Marc Trestman for their head coaching job. So if he fails at getting the team to the post season will Bears fans blame Canada?

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Lance Armstrong is reportedly considering admitting that he used PEDs. What? Does he think it will help him get into the Baseball Hall of Fame?

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Chip Kelly is apparently close to a deal with the Cleveland Browns. Anyone want to start the pool on when the NCAA will announce sanctions on the Oregon Ducks?

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Although the Lakers made it close in the end,  watching Los Angeles Clippers turn “Showtime” into “Slowtime.” Or maybe the “Too-Late-Showtime.”

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A pilot for American Airlines subsidiary American Eagle was arrested before a flight from Minneapolis to La Guardia after witnesses smelled alcohol on his breath and he failed a Breathlyzer test. What next, a pilot sobriety surcharge?

(added my friend Walt Rau,  “He would have been sober in time for the landing at La Guardia. What’s the problem?”

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One-point safety?

January 4, 2013

So how long until someone names their band or racehorse “One Point Safety”?

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But really, a one-point safety? And football fans say baseball has bizarre and convoluted rules….

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Congrats to the Oregon Ducks on a convincing Fiesta Bowl win.  But the most shocking thing.  From a distance at least, their uniforms actually looked reasonable.

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Penn State football coach Bill O’Brien has apparently turned down an offer to coach the Cleveland Browns.. Guess he doesn’t want to trade one team that will spend at least the next few years out of the postseason for another.

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This just in, Bill Clinton has asked CNN about co-hosting a show with Kathy Griffin.

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An 18 year old Oregon man (and I use that term loosely) was arrested after two FB friends called police when they saw his late-night post “Drivin drunk … classic 😉 but to whoever’s vehicle i hit i am sorry. :P” ” Looks like we have another frontrunner for a 2013 Darwin award.

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ESPN is talking about the “might-have-beens” for Oregon as if they lost to some lousy team from a weak conference. As opposed to mighty Alabama who lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to two teams (LSU and Florida) who stunk up their respective bowls.

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Oops. Apparently Giants closer Sergio Romo was arrested at the Las Vegas airport Tuesday when he became “angry and aggressive” after TSA officials said he didn’t have proper identification. Wonder if he was wearing that World Series parade shirt saying “I only look illegal.”

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A picture of Nancy Pelosi today shows her all smiles next to John Boehner after he was re-elected Speaker of the House. Makes sense, his approval ratings make hers look good.

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With issues over Sandy relief and the passage of the “fiscal cliff” bill, infighting amongst Republicans has reached new heights. Who do they think they are? Democrats?

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Bus to hell  time  –  “Some talk about the fiscal cliff deal being President Obama’s   “Lincoln moment.” Uh, not exactly. Although no doubt a lot of Republicans are now hoping Barack takes some time off to go to the theater.”

 

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Two of the University of Florida’s top defensive players are leaving early for the NFL draft. Guess they decided not to return for their senior seasons and the chance to not show up for another BCS bowl?

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