Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category
January 3, 2013
Wow, just wow. Pennsylvania Gov. Corbett says he waited until now to sue the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State because he wanted time to research, and he “did not want the case to interfere with the football season.” Sounds like the same priorities that got the university in trouble in the first place.
The Dow rose 308 points today. I blame Obama.
Can only what imagine what she expects of parenthood: Kim Kardashian says about being pregnant “it’s not as easy as people think.” Really?! Isn’t there some nice staple gay couple that might want to adopt her baby?
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ESPN reports that Oregon coach Chip Kelly may be interviewing with the Bills, Browns and Eagles. What, Kelly wants to prove he can be successful with a team with a salary cap?
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Just maybe those SEC supremacists might want to tone down their gloating about other conferences?
Wonder after the Gators’ Sugar Bowl performance if the Big East will now extend an invitation to Florida?
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Another Sugar Bowl thought -once again we saw a team that isn’t benefiting by having Tim Tebow on the sidelines.
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On a positive note,
Thanks to Mark and Gary who pointed out that Stanford’s David Shaw was the first African-American coach to win a BCS bowl game. Well, now we have two. Congrats to Charlie Strong.
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You have to wonder about Americans’ cooking skills when a package of frozen plastic wrapped fish fillets starts with the directions “Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Remove all packaging…”
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Many are commenting on how Hugh Hefner, 86, apparently forgave his new bride Crystal Harris, 26, for leaving him at the altar in 2011. Although isn’t it just as likely that Hef didn’t remember?
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Seven coaches fired Monday. And wonder how many of the NFL teams who decided they needed a fresh start will go about it by recycling one of those fired coaches?
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A report out of DC indicates that John Boehner at one point during fiscal cliff negotiations told Harry Reid to “go f*ck himself.” Who knew Boehner has aspirations to be Vice President?
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Ray Lewis says he will retire after this season. “The first time is the hardest,” responded Brett Favre.
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Starbucks will start selling a reusable plastic cup for $1 that will provide a 10 cent discount on any coffee drink. Wonder how long it will take until that discount becomes a surcharge on anyone who doesn’t bring the cup?
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A paparazzo was struck and killed by a car after taking pictures of Justin Bieber’s Ferrari in Los Angeles. And the singer wasn’t even driving it. Darwin would be so proud.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: fiscal cliff jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Penn State jokes, Sugar Bowl jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 2, 2013
I see red people.
Anyone else twisted enough to wish that the Stanford band had done a “Road to the Rose Bowl” halftime show for Wisconsin? Since that road went through the tattoo parlors of Columbus, Ohio, and the showers of Penn State….
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Some trash talking from Berkeley folks that Stanford didn’t win impressively enough today in Pasadena. Alas, I can’t counter…somehow forgot how Cal did in this year’s bowl game.
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Stanford Cardinal today trying to become second California team to win a bowl game this season. (Joining the San Jose State Spartans.)
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Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett said today he plans to sue the NCAA in federal court over the sanctions against Penn State. Just when the whole sordid mess has faded a little from the headlines…..
(as my friend Michael Duca says “Immediately moving House Republicans into bronze medal position in the Tone Deafness Olympics (also bumping NRA out of the Gold Medal)).
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Crystal Harris, 26, and Hugh Hefner, 86, are married, a year after Crystal called off their 2011 wedding, claiming that sex with Hef lasted “like two seconds.” Will the happy couple now announce that last night was the best two seconds of their lives?
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Good news – the fiscal cliff has temporarily been averted,. Bad news – instead of really walking away from the cliff congress just decided to rest on the ledge for a couple months.
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An Orange Bowl official reportedly told Northern Illinois “We didn’t even want you here.” And most of America responded said “Exactly how we feel about the whole BCS system.”
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The SF 49ers signed kicker Billy Cundiff to compete with struggling field goal kicker David Akers. Cundiff was released in November by the Washington Redskins after missing 5 of his 12 field goal attempts… 5 of 12?! Well, at worst Cundiff will assure that San Francisco field goal attempts are good for beer sales.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, bowl game jokes, fiscal cliff jokes, NFL coach jokes, rose bowl jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
January 1, 2013
And may your troubles only last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions.
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On a brighter note, your 2012 resolutions are officially null and void.
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In honor of the NY Jets, rumor has it that New Year’s Eve in Times Square the ball wasn’t declared “dropped,” it was “butt-fumbled.”
Two hours after midnight in D.C., the Senate passed a bill to avert the “fiscal cliff” 89-8. 89-8?! That’s not a vote count, that’s a score for an SEC team against one of their out-of-conference football opponents.
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President Obama said early Monday of a potential fiscal cliff deal that if there were even “one second left for Congress to do what they’re suppose to do, they will use that one second.” Of course Congress being largely male he might have added some of them will do anything to avoid their wives’ New Year’s Eve parties.
Seven NFL coaches at least fired Monday. I blame Obama.
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UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12.
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Coaching question of the night. Who will be the next fool to overpay Lane Kiffin?
San Diego Zoo sign in front of tiger enclosure. “For your safety please stay behind railing.”. May I suggest that if you need the sign, you’re already well on your way to some future Darwin award.
The Chicago Bears fired coach Lovie Smith after a 10 win season. In Washington, wonder if 10 wins will be enough to save the job of Randy Wittman, coach of the Wizards.
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UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: fiscal cliff jokes, Janice Hough, new years jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 30, 2012
A new study from an Ohio State engineering professor shows that as many as 49,000 people in Central Florida, mostly Democrats, did not vote because of long lines and other problems at the polls. The Florida GOP is appalled. They clearly made voting too easy.
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Arizona State put up 62 points on Navy before the end of the third quarter today in the Kraft Fight Hunger bowl. Clearly the military is not as strong as it should be. I blame Obama.
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New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton’s new five-year contract is reportedly for $8 million annually. Wow. That’s almost as much as a mediocre relief pitcher.
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Open note to Facebook friends. I thought a “like” or a comment was enough to say I am reading your posts, Not adding a one-word comment and reposting the status asking all my friends to do the same thing. I like my friends but I hate chain letters. 🙂
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The report is that the Cleveland Browns will fire coach Pat Shurmur on Monday. Bummer for all those who had Rex Ryan or Norv Turner in the pool.
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New York City, including Manhattan, is expecting to 2 to 4 inches of snow in a current storm. Of course, since this is New York, residents and the media feel this total counts for 2 to 4 feet in lesser towns.
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The Senate is working this weekend trying to come up with a last minute solution to avoid the fiscal cliff. Should we be happy they are at least making a serious effort, or furious that it took them so long?
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Stanford women’s basketball looked so bad Saturday against UConn, especially in the first half, expected Tara VanDerveer to have accused the team at halftime of playing like boys.
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Terrelle Pryor will start for the Oakland Raiders Sunday. So looking like an unhappy Matt Leinart and Mark Sanchez could both be traded. If they end up on the same team what a dilemma for a coach – which one do you bench first?
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Katie Holmes’ first starring role on Broadway will come to an end two months earlier than expected as her play “Dead Accounts” will close. Guess Katie was as successful playing the lead role as she was playing at a marriage with Tom Cruise.
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Syracuse beat West Virginia 38-14 in the Pinstripe Bowl. Well, at least one New York football team has had a decent December.
Love this story from the Palo Alto Daily Post: Two parents, 52, and their daughter, 22 are in custody after being arrested for shoplifting at Nordstrom’s. The women were caught outside the store, but the father escaped. Until he called police that night to report his wife and daughter missing. Family bonding…. Well, at least they’re all in the same jail.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: bowl game jokes, fiscal cliff jokes, Florida jokes, Jets jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 29, 2012
As the U.S. edges closer to the “fiscal cliff,’ have to wonder if Shakespeare had a premonition of future politics when he wrote “a plague on both your houses.”
(although today it might be “a plague on both the house and the senate.”)
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Just how ugly was the Russell Athletic Bowl. Virginia Tech beat Rutgers 13-10 in overtime. But the Hokies had an equal number of turnovers and rushing yards – three. (No typo, 3. Really.)
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Last year’s strike-shortened NBA season was the perfect length for many fans. Wonder if there’s a way to get a strike going that would affect the NCAA bowl season?
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Mayor Michael Bloomberg is blaming the first increase in New York City’s crime rate in 20 years on Apple-related thefts. Uh, what about folks unhappy over not being able to get their large sodas?
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ESPN reports Sean Payton, who has been courted by Dallas, has agreed to a five-year extension with the New Orleans Saints. “Bummer for the Cowboys”, said no one outside of Texas.
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The NY man who killed 2 firefighters in an Xmas Eve ambush couldn’t legally buy the semiautomatic rifle and shotgun he used. But he went to the store with a woman who bought the guns for him after he picked them out. And we hear all the time about the ATB arresting folks who buy alcohol illegally for 20 year olds….
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Two University of Texas players have been sent home from the Alamo Bowl for “violations of team rules.” Reportedly for alleged sexual assault. Some of these guys are going a little too far to prove they are NFL ready.
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So Mark Sanchez will start for the NY Jets this weekend over backup QB Greg McElroy, who has a concussion. Not Tim Tebow. Is Rex Ryan that worried that Tebow might actually win a game and get Jets fans even madder about the might-have-beens this season?
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Rex Ryan says he wants “to be the Jets’ head coach for the next 15 years.”
Uh, who’s got 15 days in the pool?
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The Pro Bowl roster is out. Being chosen is an honor, but as far as resulting in any real action, it’s like being named one of the sexiest women of the year by the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus.
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Forget the Mayan calendar. The Los Angeles Clippers winning 16 in a row? Now, there’s a sign of the apocalypse.
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From T.C. “Washington Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg called Redskins owner Daniel Snyder and asked him why he wasn’t shutting down RGIII in order to save him for next year.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: bowl game jokes, fiscal cliff jokes, Janice Hough, NCAA jokes, Rex Ryan jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 27, 2012
A commercial during the Holiday Bowl is from online Ashford University. Well, it got some results. At the University of Alabama, they immediately contacted the school to see about arranging a game on their 2013 football schedule.
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West Coast teams often complain about their games taking place too late at night for the East Coast media to pay attention. After tonight I’m predicting we will not hear that complaint from the UCLA Bruins.
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We could solve this fiscal cliff issue real fast if Congress met at a real cliff. And if every 15 minutes after the deadline members of each party took turns pushing a Congressperson from the other party off of it.
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Remember all those jokes early this year when Stanford barely beat San Jose State? The Spartans just won the Military Bowl to finish 11-2…. (Now, about some of those SEC cupcake games…)
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Richard Sherman won his “contaminated sample” PED appeal. So will he be sending a bottle of champagne to Ryan Braun?
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USC’s Matt Barkley is still nursing a shoulder injury and will not play in the Sun Bowl. But he hopes to follow in the great tradition of Trojan QBs and be healthy enough in 2013 to hold an NFL clipboard.
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The Brooklyn Nets have fired coach Avery Johnson after a 14-14 start. The Washington Wizards wonder if the team has something against overachievers.
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President Obama left his family in Hawaii and cut his vacation short to head back to Washington and work on avoiding the fiscal cliff. Waiting for the GOP to accuse him of wasting money by making Air Force One take an extra trip.
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From my friend Jim Barach: Starbucks baristas in Washington, D.C. are writing “come together” on cups in order to get Congress to avert the fiscal cliff. Of course, the fiscal cliff wouldn’t be an issue if the federal government could figure out a way to get as much money out of people every day as they do at Starbucks.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, bowl game jokes, fiscal cliff jokes, janice hough jokes, USC jokes
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December 27, 2012
Another year, another superhuman effort by Santa Claus to deliver millions of toys overnight without a break. Wonder how long until he and the reindeer get investigated for Adderall?
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Netflix’s video streaming service crashed Christmas Even.. Oh, the horror!. Thousands and thousands of Americans were actually forced to talk to their relatives.
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Ben Affleck has announced that he won’t seek John Kerry’s Senate seat. Bipartisan bummer for women. If Affleck ran against Scott Brown it might the best looking Senate race in history.
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Syracuse suspended two players from their upcoming New Era Pinstripe Bowl game. Shocking! Syracuse is playing in a bowl game?
Mark Zuckerberg’s sister Randi was upset when a casual family photo she posted on Facebook ended up reposted on Twitter, saying the person who did it she was “way uncool,” and saying to “always ask permission before posting a friend’s photo publicly. It’s not about privacy settings, it’s about human decency.” “Gosh, those FB settings are confusing, and I’m really sorry that happened to your family” said absolutely nobody.
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A picture of President Obama hugging Michelle on election night has become the most re-tweeted photo ever. A surprised Bill Clinton asked “You can hug your own wife?”
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A 30 foot whale was found Wednesday morning on a New York beach. It would of course be inappropriate to make a Chris Christie joke here.
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Alas for Pacers fans, bad weather forced the cancellation of tonight’s game in Indianapolis. Alas for Wizards fans the weather in Washington was fine.
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Anyone but me thinking it was a lot easier and more fun to root against the Los Angeles Lakers before Steve Nash came back?
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Wednesday was the first day of the after-Christmas sales. You know what that means – only about a week until the first Valentine’s Day sales.
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Okay, who’d a thunk this? A hot NBA upcoming ticket is the Warriors vs. Clippers.
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Starbucks employees will be writing “come together” on customers’ cups Dec 27-28 as a message for Congress to avoid the fiscal cliff.. Leaving aside the fact that more colorful language might be more appropriate, maybe we should just threaten to cut off their coffee until they come up with a deal.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Christmas jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, shopping jokes, Starbucks jokes
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December 25, 2012
Wishing everyone a happy and safe Christmas Eve. And beware of low-flying, or should i say, high-flying, reindeer in Colorado and Washington.
Have to wonder in Colorado and Washington, how many families will wait up to find presents under the tree, the cookies and milk still on the table, but all their Doritos missing.
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NORAD is in the midst of their traditional Santa tracking. But wonder what happens this year when Instagram tries to sell all the pictures.
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So if Santa didn’t show up with the right toys last night, can parents explain it to their children by telling them that unfortunately Rudolph was guiding his sleigh with Apple maps?
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Some think it’s unfair for the NBA to schedule games on Christmas Day. But on a brighter note it does save the players from the tough decision of spending the day with which mother of their children.
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Just noticed, no joke, that there’s a Justin Bieber perfume. “That’s exactly what I want for Christmas,” said no one over the age of 12.
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A customer who was tired of waiting for his check at a Texas Denny’s set their Christmas tree on fire. Caused a lot of damage, but the roasted tree probably ended up tasting better than most of their menu items.
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Some of the conservative media are headlining the fact that Obama landed in Hawaii last night and went out to play golf this morning. Of course, had the President stayed in D.C. to work on the “fiscal cliff” the same folks would accuse him of making Republicans in Congress give up their Christmas for his political gain.
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A cashier accidentally sold a New Hampshire man the wrong lottery ticket, and it turned out to be the one that won a $2.1 million Tri-State Megabucks Plus prize. Wonder how long it will take for some other lottery player to sue?
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Heaven is a messier place tonight. R.I.P Jack Klugman.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Christmas jokes, Janice Hough, Santa jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 24, 2012
At this point, what’s the difference between the NY Jets and the Giants postseason hopes? About another week.
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Ah, the NFL and television. Sunday morning CBS and the league gave football fans on the West Coast the Oakland Raiders vs. the Carolina Panthers. Wasn’t there a more meaningful game on, like the Poulan Weed-Eater bowl or something?
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Idaho GOP Sen. Michael Crapo, a Mormon, was arrested yesterday morning in Alexandria, VA., reportedly with a .11 blood alcohol level. I blame Obama.
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Amongst the heaviest drinkers you may see this Christmas season are those who figured it was it sure bet that Eli Manning would have a better year than his over-the-hill big brother….
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Richard Sherman’s appeal of his positive test for Adderall claims it was a contaminated sample because of a leaky cup, and a 2nd cup with a broken seal placed underneath it. You’d think a Stanford grad would have just come up with a way to get a legal prescription for the stuff. (And note to readers, this is not sour grapes, my personal bias is to root for the Saints, not the 49ers.)
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Tagg Romney told the Boston Globe that his father “wanted to be president less than anyone I’ve met in my life.” Makes sense, Mitt certainly campaigned like it.
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Newsweek issues its last print issue on Monday. Which is shocking to most Americans, who didn’t realize Newsweek was still in business.
Weird trivia for the 49ers-Seahawks game. Can anyone remember any other NFL football game started by opposing quarterbacks who were both drafted…for baseball? (True, and to quote Bull Durham’s Annie Savoy, “you could look it up.”)
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The Pope, in his latest Christmas message, spoke against gay marriage and said that gay adoption meant “The child has become an object to which people have a right and which they have a right to obtain.” So does he mean the only non-married people with that right are priests?
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So the NRA’s idea is that trained guards with guns will prevent shootings at school campuses. Leaving aside the fact that Columbine High School and Virginia Tech campuses DID have armed guards, wonder if the NRA asked the opinion of the parents of kids in 1970 at Kent State. (Not as horrific or as long a list as Sandy Hook – but ….Jeffrey Miller, 20, Allison Krause, 19, William Schroeder, 19. Sandra Scheuer, 20.)
Augie wonders in this gun control debate, if we do this armed guard thing, in right-to-work states, do they get the right to shoot without joining the teacher’s union?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Christmas jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, NRA jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
December 23, 2012
GOP Florida governor Rick Scott sent President Obama a letter requesting that he invoke federal law to order a cooling-off period to prevent a longshoremen’s strike. Of course if Barack complies wonder how long it will take Scott to rail again against overreaching federal government authority.
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Tim Tebow is reportedly going to the Jacksonsville Jaguars in 2013. Could be a good fit. Tebow always did a great job when surrounded by top college-level talent.
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Rubert Murdoch’s New York Post called NRA leader Wayne LaPierre a “gun nut” and “NRA loon” on its Saturday cover. For the uninitiated, this is about as likely as Fox News saying something nice about President Obama.
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Would the NRA next like to suggest the public places they DON’T believe should have armed guards? It might be a shorter list.
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A recent study showed people did significantly better on tough math problems when they were in the company of their pets. So maybe animals are soothing. Although in the case of cats, perhaps their presence just reminded their owners to relax and not give a sh*t.
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“Bob’s,” a Brazilian fast-food chain, has introduced edible wrapping for its burgers. McDonald’s is thinking of following suit, although a sticking point might be that wrapping would probably have more nutritional value than their hamburgers.
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President Obama is in Hawaii for a few days at Christmas. Waiting for the first detractor to condemn him for taking a foreign vacation…
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A judge said the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB and the NCAA can move forward with their attempts to stop New Jersey’s plans to allow sports gambling. Can’t wait to see Chris Christie weigh in on this one….
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The “R + L Carriers” New Orleans Bowl today featured Eastern Carolina vs. Louisiana-Lafayette?!. Sounds like a sign from God to men that they really should turn off the television and go Christmas shopping.
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From T.C. ” The best selling NFL jersey this year belongs to Washington’s RGIII. Kids in Africa still wearing “2007 Patriots Perfect Season 19-0” jerseys are looking forward to receiving free Jets’ Tebow and Sanchez ones in time for Christmas.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: bowl game jokes, cat jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, NRA jokes, Tim Tebow jokes
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December 22, 2012
The Green Bay Packers got over 600 volunteers to shovel snow off of Lambeau Field so their game can be played this Sunday. Many New York fans are wishing they could shovel snow onto their field so the Jets Sunday game could be cancelled.
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Baylor RB Lache Seastrunk told a reporter this week “I’m going to win the Heisman. I’m going to win it in 2013” Well, if he doesn’t win the award, Seastrunk is at least looking cocky enough to be drafted by the Dallas Cowboys.
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Olympic medalist Suzy Favor Hamilton has reportedly been working recently as a very high priced call girl. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to “going for the gold.”
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A new study from Columbia University Medical Center finds that being chronically stressed is as dangerous as smoking five cigarettes a day. Presumably even if you’re stressed from trying to quit smoking.
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Francisco Liriano, who was 6-12 with a 5.34 ERA in 2012, was signed to a 2 year, $14 million contract by the Pittsburgh Pirates. Wow. The only way such an ineffective performance like that is normally rewarded is by being re-elected to Congress.
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A recent Rasmussen poll has John Boehner replacing Nancy Pelosi as the most disliked member of Congress. If this keeps up, the Speaker may have Oompa Loompas accuse him of conduct detrimental to the image of Orange people.
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So in his “armed guards in schools” speech today, NRA Executive V.P Wayne LaPierre also indicated he wants to get rid of violent video games. Where’s the conservative outrage over too much potential government interference on this one?
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And just wondering, if we have armed employees at schools and they join the teachers’ unions, when do they become a special-interest group that is a drain on the economy. Or just plain old union thugs?
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While the gun debate rages on, in Pennsylvania a gunman injured three state troopers after shooting and killing three other people, including a woman at a church. So will the NRA call next week for armed guards at all churches?
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Top high school prospect Jarabi Parker is apparently being harrassed on Twitter over his decision to attend Duke (over BYU, Florida, Michigan State and Stanford). But come on folks, get a life, he’ll only be a Blue Devil for one year anyway….
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Great, so today Facebook was asking today “How are you feeling, Janice?” Then it asks “How’s it going, Janice?” Guess this answers that question – “Whatever happened to HAL?” Then at 11p on a Friday – “What’s happening, Janice?” Jeez, FB has gone from acting like HAL to spouting bad pickup lines?
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Congress jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, John Boehner jokes, NFL jokes, NRA jokes, Suzy Favor jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 21, 2012
The world hasn’t ended. So you probably still have to go to work.
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And sorry Cubs fans, you’re going to be disappointed again next year.
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Facebook is testing an option where for $1 you can send a message to someone not on your network, and make sure it goes into their regular inbox. But no worries, those really annoying types many people try to avoid would never waste a whole dollar to reach someone.
I think both Democrats and Republicans can thank heaven this option is being tested after the Presidential election….
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Kim Kardashian is threatening to take her pictures off Instagram over their new photo-sharing policy. Finally, for the beleaguered company some good news….
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Peyton Manning led fan voting for the NFL Pro Bowl. Here’s an idea instead… how about letting Tim Tebow start at QB? It’s a meaningless game, he’s a fan favorite, and he’ll be rested and ready.
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NY Post headline “Tim Tebow’s love affair with the Jets is over.” Although fittingly for the avowed virgin quarterback, that affair was never really consummated.
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From T.C. “Tim Tebow may be headed for the CFL next year. Wait til he finds out that it’s not The Christian Football League.”
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President Obama is Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” If Mitt Romney, despite all the positions he took, had won the election, would Time have had to name him “People of the Year?
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Okay, it’s not as good as Senator Stephen Colbert, but South Carolina could have the most entertaining politics in the nation. Former Gov. Mark Sanford is planning to run for the seat that Senate appointee Tim Scott is vacating . Amongst possible opponents? Jenny Sanford, his ex-wife.
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John Boehner scrapped “Plan B” because he couldn’t get enough GOP votes. Why do I have a feeling that if Congressional salaries stopped as soon the US got within 2 weeks of the “fiscal cliff” that the Speaker would have a compromise with President Obama by now?
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Sarah Palin, unhappy with Barack Obama being chosen “Person of the Year” said of Time Magazine “I think there’s some irrelevancy there to tell you the truth.” Well, if anyone knows irrelevancy….
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Quote of the day from Incoming Texas State Rep. Kyle Kacal: “I’ve heard of people being killed playing pingpong—pingpongs are more dangerous than guns…. Flat-screen TVs are injuring more kids today than anything.” It’s enough to make you long for the intellectual brilliance of Rick Perry.
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At what point does President Obama get annoyed enough to propose new taxes only on millionaires and orange people?
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You know your Senator is getting old when…. Dianne Feinstein’s daughter Katherine Feinstein, who has been a SF superior court judge, is retiring.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: facebook jokes, fiscal cliff jokes, instagram jokes, Janice Hough, Tebow jokes, Tim Tebow jokes
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December 20, 2012
If we have to live in a world where crazy people can get rapid fire weapons they use for mass shootings, can someone at least make sure these homicidal maniacs have the address for and directions to the Westboro Baptist Church?
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A NASA spokesman says the agency is getting 200 to 300 people calling per day to ask about the end of the world. Darwin would be so proud.
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Note in very small print on bottom of Starbucks’ cup: “Caution, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.” Wonder how many people turn the cup to its side to try to read the message, and spill the hot beverage on themselves….
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The Los Angeles Clippers have won 11 in a row. So how long until they get a season ticket request from Jack Nicholson?
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Buffalo Bills’ center Eric Wood says the team’s annual games in Toronto are “a joke.” Fans in Toronto who watched the Bills’ latest drubbing responded “Back at ya.”‘
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Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly won AP Coach of the Year. Stanford’s David Shaw was third. If the referees had correctly called that Stephan Taylor touchdown would the voting have been reversed?
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Time Magazine has chosen the President of the United States as “Man of the Year.” I blame Obama.
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The 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick was named the NFC’s offensive player of the week. Not to be confused with Mark Sanchez, who Jets fans consider the most offensive player this week.
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from Marc Ragovin: “So its Week 16 in the NFL, and the NY Jets have announced that they are benching Mark Sanchez. “What a brilliant move” said Week 4.”
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A new British-American study said that sleeping pills like Sonata and Ambien are of “questionable clinical importance” because half of their benefit may come from a placebo effect. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.
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An unhappy Tim Tebow says he doesn’t understand why the Jets traded for him last March. That makes about 2,000,001 of us.
(and hey, makes sense to bench him if they were winning. But they sucked. At some point a rational man says “What the heck, how bad can it be?” This might be the mistake, assuming Ryan is rational.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, End of the world jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, Mayan jokes, NY Jets jokes, sports jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 19, 2012
One way not to be stressed about this new Instagram policy – have absolutely no idea how to use Instagram.
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Somewhere, the Apple maps developer is giggling.
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49ers tight end Vernon Davis says that chemistry is “something that me and Kap (Colin Kaepernick) don’t have right now, but we’re working on it.” And he indicated the new SF QB is “kind of scared of my speed a little bit.” Who does Davis think he is? Terrell Owens?
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Someone called in an undisclosed threat in Newtown, CT, forcing district officials to keep an elementary school closed today. If police catch this guy can they sentence him to spent a week locked in a cage in the local cemetery near some of the children’s tombstones?
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Suri Cruise is apparently getting a $24,000 Grand Victorian Playhouse, complete with running water and electricity, for Christmas along with a $10,000 children’s toy Mercedes. Wonder how much Tom and Katie are setting aside for future counseling?
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The Jets are out, the Giants are now in a very tenuous position. Who’d a thunk the only football team in the New York-New Jersey area that ends up in the postseason might be Rutgers?
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How the mighty have fallen. ESPN all excited about a 101-100 home comeback win by the Los Angeles Lakers – against the Charlotte Bobcats?
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From Marc Ragovin: Commenting on the Lakers poor record this year, Kobe Bryant recently said “At this point I wish we had the Washington Generals on our schedule.” “Right back at ya,” said the coach of the Generals.
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The Atlanta Hawks needed overtime to top the Washington Wizards 100-95. Overtime to beat the Wizards? Shouldn’t that count in the standings for at best half a win?
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So on Saturday which retailer will start the first “After the end of the world sale?
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A Utah State football player was arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery and trespassing after his team’s bowl win last Saturday. So who says the “Famous Idaho Potato Bowl” hasn’t made the big time?
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NY Jets Rex Ryan is apparently frustrated enough with Mark Sanchez that he is thinking of starting Greg McElroy next week against San Diego. Gosh, if only the team had access to a QB with a history of winning.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Times Square hookers offering a Holiday Mark Sanchez special; for an extra $50, they’ll really really suck.”
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In the wake of Sandy Hook, some gun advocates now want to arm teachers. Right, let’s put guns in the hands of them all…including those without enough common sense to know it’s not a good idea to sleep with their students…
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: instagram jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, NBA jokes, New York Jets jokes, Tim Tebow jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 18, 2012
A Visa poll found that 16% of Americans have not started their Christmas shopping yet.
These people are called “men.”
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What many people were sure of before this season: Tim Tebow is not an NFL level quarterback. What even more people are sure of now: Neither is Mark Sanchez.
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The Detroit Tigers re-signed Anibal Sanchez to a 5-year, $80 million contract, and GM Dave Dombrowski said “He’s in the prime of his career.” Well, except how do you really know when the prime of someone’s career is? Usually when he’s past it.
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One good thing for New York sports fans Monday night… the Jets knocked the Giants’ lousy performance Sunday right off the front of the sports page.
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Dina Manfredini, 115, died less than two weeks after becoming the “world’s oldest living person”. Well, that might be the only title with a shorter average life expectancy than being #3 in Al Qaeda.
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Awful that he needed to do this. Awesome that he did it. Tennessee Titans RB Chris Johnson wrote the names of all the victims at Sandy Hook school on his shoes for the MNF game tonight.
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Well, slowly our nation is returning to normal. Saw the first headlines in a few days purporting to have the all-important scoop that this time, Jennifer Aniston really is pregnant.
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So it didn’t work out for Colbert. But maybe Hawaii’s governor can now appoint Jon Stewart to the Senate.
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Bears LB Brian Urlacher complained yesterday about Chicago fans booing the team at home. Uh, Brian, there’s a way for the team to stop that….it’s called “playing better.” (or if you will, “sucking less.)
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Carolina Panthers coach Ron Rivera said he’s not sure if his resurgent 5-9 team’s latest 31 to 7 win over San Diego will save his job. Many Chargers fans are just hoping the game costs Norv Turner his.
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Pete Carroll ran a fake punt when his Seahawks were up 30 points yesterday on Buffalo. Did the now-Seattle coach think he was back at USC playing Stanford?
For those who say the Sandy Hook massacre might have been prevented if the teachers had guns to defend themselves – yeah, that worked out so well for the shooter’s mother.
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-“Our Bill of Rights does not guarantee gun manufacturers the absolute right to sell military-style, high-caliber, semi-automatic combat assault rifles with high-capacity magazines to whoever the hell they want.” This morning from that commie-pinko Joe Scarborough….
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, shopping jokes, sports jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 17, 2012
Roger Goodell has to be breathing a sigh of relief with the SF 49ers’ win tonight: One week closer to the Seattle Seahawks not voting a Division Winner’s share to the replacement refs.
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The 49ers won 41-31 after blowing a 31-3 in the second half. now 31-24. San Francisco fans had to wonder if they were watching the last two quarters of the game or a Movie-of-the-Week showing of the Titanic?
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Got to love the NFL, a number of games with playoff implications on now and those of us in Northern California got Chiefs-Raiders? It’s as if say, a top-ten Bowl Matchup was on and arbitrarily some of us only got the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl.
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Missed the post game news conference, so how much did Gisele Bundchen complain about her husband’s Patriot teammates?
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Meanwhile, watching Big Ben against the Dallas Cowboys was kind of like watching Notre Dame against USC. Had to root for a tie. (missed it by THAT much.)
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Wonder if before the Miami Dolphins-Jacksonville Jaguars game if both teams were told the winner might have the chance to join the SEC?
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So do the Redskins really not need RG3 after all. Or are the Cleveland Browns just that bad?
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An usher was shaken up today during the Rams-Vikings when after a touchdown catch St. Louis WRs Danny Amendola spiked the ball and it hit him in the face. Well, at least ushers in Arizona who work for the Cardinals know they are safe.
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So since the NY Jets have this week’s MNF game, Tim Tebow has Sunday off. Which actually isn’t much different than any weekend he’s been on the Jets roster.
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I am clearly missing part of the “girly” gene. Just saw an ad for “Jimmy Choo” perfume. And thinking “Why would you want to smell like a shoe?”
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A thought about the Dodgers and Angels stockpiling high-priced talent: The Detroit Tigers went into the World Series with the league MVP and the best pitcher in baseball. And how did that work out for them?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49er jokes, football jokes, Jets jokes, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes
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December 16, 2012
It is possible that we who are in favor of gun control have it wrong as far as stopping mass killings. Maybe we should be looking at regulating young white men.
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Would those who consider the Second Amendment as literal gospel be willing to consider a government program whereby automatic weapons would be turned in and exchanged for muskets?
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A Bushmaster .223 Semiautomatic Rifle with a 30-round magazine…. So who exactly needs one for self-defense or hunting?
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No comment, – apparently the Sandy Hook shooter’s mother thought she needed the guns for self-defense.
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Back to distraction…
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So who’s enjoying the Los Angeles Lakers’ woeful start more. Former coach Mike Brown, or fans of Dwight Howard’s former team, the Orlando Magic?
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Domino’s Pizza founder Tom Monaghan is suing the federal government because he objects to the requirement mandating contraception coverage in his company’s healthcare plan. Wonder how other employers feel about covering health related issues resulting from eating Domino’s Pizza.
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N. Joseph Woodland, the inventor of the bar code, has died at the age of 91. Can we assume that at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter will soon be updating that clipboard?
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Two college bowls down. Thirty-three to go. Once again, the holidays are are about pacing yourself…
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December 15 started Capital One Bowl Week, which runs until January 7. And they wonder why many football players are bad at math.
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The SF Giants won the World Series, Stanford’s going to the Rose Bowl, the SF 49ers are going to the playoffs, and even the Golden State Warriors are winning. Anyone checked the Northern California water supply for PEDs?
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Nothing to make you feel old like having Saturday Night Live announce a future musical guest and you not only don’t like their music, you have no idea who the act is.
The Toronto Raptors’ Andrea Bargnani told an Italian newspaper that the Raptors are “pretty much the worst team in the NBA.” Responded the Washington Wizards: “Who are we, chopped liver?”
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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: bowl game jokes, healthcare jokes, NBA jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 14, 2012
Statement we can agree on? “Violent crazy people should not have assault weapons.” Here’s the problem. Since often it’s impossible to tell in advance who is a violent crazy person and who is just odd and/or a danger only to themselves, the only way to make the statement more true is to get rid of or limit assault weapons.
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Meanwhile, okay, for those who like to quote the Constitution and amendments: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”
Okay, can we at least work on the “well-regulated” part?
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Wow, just wow. Mike Huckabee, from whom I would have expected better: “We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?” Uh right, because there has never been violence or killing in the name of religion….
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Leaving the political humor for a day. But a few lighter thoughts.
And in the midst of evil there is sometimes just plain old fashioned stupidity. Like ESPN commentator Rob Parker, fired for saying of RG3 that “Is he a brother, or is he a cornball brother. He’s kind of black, but he’s not really”
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And another relatively unimportant (but bipartisan) distraction. The NY Jets – SD Chargers game has been moved to 1p December 23, while the SF 49ers – Seattle Seahawks now play Sunday night. The story says “The 6-7 Jets and 5-8 Chargers was not the attractive matchup the network thought it would be before the season.” Uh, yeah, you can say that again.
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The 2012 New York Yankees have been hit with an $18.9 million MLB luxury tax. $18.9 million?! Or as the 2013 Los Angeles Dodgers will refer to it “chump change.”
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From T.C. “Washington State has legalized marijuana. Advocates say “it’s about time, but they should have passed this law a long time ago”….. Like when Twinkies were still available. ”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough
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December 14, 2012
Jenna Bush, daughter of George W. Bush, is pregnant. So it will be about 2058 when the child first runs for President? Hope it’s a girl.
Former President Bush is so excited about the future grandchild, W”s offered to share with the kid his favorite crayons.
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After Susan Rice withdrew her name from consideration for Secretary of State, John McCain issued a statement saying he “wishes her well.” Of course, Senator McCain may have already forgotten why he was against Rice in the first place.
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Rutgers has suspended men’s basketball coach Mike Rice for 3 games and fined him $50,000 for “inappropriate behavior and language.” In New Jersey? Really?! Something tells me this kind of sanction will never apply to the Governor’s office.
(Maybe Rice took that “Secrets of Great Coaching from Bobby Knight” manual a little too seriously.)
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Susan Rice has withdrawn her name from consideration as Secretary of State. Hey, now that Hillary’s staying home in the U.S., wonder if Bill Clinton would be interested in the job?
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Now that marijuana is legal in their states wonder how many people in Colorado and Washington are excited about today being 12-12-12?
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Josh Hamilton has signed a $125 million, 5 year deal with the Angels. What, were the Dodgers asleep?
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So the Angels signed Josh Hamilton, and the Giants signed Andres Torres. Well, one of those guys has proven he can be part of a World Series winning team.
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Rumor has it that Republican Chuck Hagel may be President Obama’s nomination as the next secretary of defense. Waiting for John McCain to object on principle
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The latest for Lindsay Lohan, she is $16k behind on her storage locker payments, and risks having her possessions put up for auction. Hmm, I see a new reality show: “Celebrity Storage Wars.”
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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, term limited out in 2014, is thinking of a legal challenge so she can run again. So these executive orders she is so fond of that enforce Arizona laws don’t apply to blondes?
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The CALM act, a new law, sponsored by Democrat Anna Eshoo, goes into effect today. It prevents TV commercials from being blared at louder volumes than their accompanying programs. So will Republicans start turning the ads up louder as a protest against government interference?
Bode Miller’s wife Morgan is recovering with 50 stitches in her face after her husband hit her with a 160 mph golf tee shot. And Elin Nordegren said “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Jenna Bush jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, McCain jokes, Susan Rice jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 