Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category
December 13, 2012
The Pope is on Twitter. So is #Hell now a #Hashtag?
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So with the Vatican now on Twitter can Catholics tweet their confessions?
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The Golden State Warriors upset the Miami Heat 97-95 with a buzzer beating layup. Which would be important. If any regular-season game were EVER important.
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Ah, family values, and preserving the sanctity of the traditional marriage: Track Palin, Sarah’s oldest son, has filed for divorce after 19 months of marriage, to the mother of his 16 month old daughter. Should we blame the states that have allowed gay marriage?
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Texas Tech hired former QB Kliff Kingsbury, 33, as their new head FB coach. To put that in perspective, Brandon Weeden was only 5 years younger in 2011 when he was QB at Oklahoma State.
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Amazing…. Apparently when Barbara Walters interviewed Hillary Clinton as part of her “Most Fascinating People of 2012,” one of the questions was about her hair. Wonder why no one ever asks Joe Biden the same question.
John Boehner said Congress should not make Holiday plans, and that Obama’s latest fiscal cliff proposal can’t pass the House or the Senate. Uh, before we get all Grinchy, Mr. Speaker, could we actually TRY a vote? You know, democracy where majority rules and all that?
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The last batch of Hostess Twinkies hit the shelves today. While Twinkie fans may have to hurry before the sweet treats sell out, on a brighter note any extra stash can probably be willed to their grandchildren..
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Pittsburgh Steelers RB Rashard Mendenhall’s has received a one-game suspension for not showing up for last week’s game. Does that mean the NFL may similarly suspend all of the Arizona Cardinals?
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Lindsay Lohan’s probation has been revoked and so she has to head back to court in Los Angeles in January. Where no doubt the judge will give her another suspended sentence and a very stern warning.
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New Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni told a reporter “You’re starting to piss me off.” Funny, that’s exactly what Los Angeles fans are thinking about the team.
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Just saw an online ad for holiday gifts including a “unicorn horn for cats.” Wonder if the instructions to attach said horn to a cat come complete with bandages, antibiotic ointment, and the phone numbers of local urgent care clinics.
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So now that 12:12p on 12-12-12 has passed, what are people going to do to waste time for the rest of the week?
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For everyone bummed that such a fun date to write is over, cheer up, it’s only 760 days until 12-13-14.
And as my friend James Brady says, “Only 335 days to 11-12-13.
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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Thought the Encino mall Santa was in the Christmas spirit when he yelled; “Ho, ho, ho.” Turns out he was saying hi to the Kardashian sisters.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lindsay Lohan jokes, Los Angeles Lakers jokes, Pope twitter jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
December 12, 2012
The date? Or the total of the Los Angeles Lakers’ scoring not counting Kobe Bryant?
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Open note to Los Angeles comics who don’t pay regular attention to the NBA: Take out all your old Lakers and Clippers jokes. Reverse the punchlines. You’ll be fine.
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So the Wizards won again, and the Lakers lost to the Cavaliers. What did that Mayan calendar say again?
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Three “words”. Mike Brown LOL.
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A former cast member from A&E’s “Storage Wars” is claiming some of the valuable items found in abandoned storage lockers were planted by the show’s producers. Gosh. Next thing, someone will be casting doubt on the reality of those Housewives.
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In the midst of a labor dispute, Cathay Pacific flight crews are threatening that that if the carrier doesn’t negotiate, they may stop serving alcohol and smiling at passengers during the Christmas holidays. In other words, start acting like they work for a U.S. carrier.
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Former NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue overturned the “bounty gate” suspensions of 4 current and former Saints players. Interesting timing – a couple days after New Orleans was basically eliminated from the playoffs.
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Donna Summer, Heart and Randy Newman in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?! Okay, good for them. But if it’s the Disco/Pop Music/Soundtrack Hall of Fame, then it’s time to induct the Carpenters. (seriously.)
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Regarding Congress and the fiscal cliff, apparently a majority of Americans prefer higher taxes. But if they really got an honest answer it might be that 20% want the Dems to win, 10% want the GOP to win, and 70% want all of Congress to go over that cliff together.
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Rick Perry this week: “To be clear, my goal is to make abortion, at any stage, a thing of the past.” And this guy was just one, two…, uh, I can’t remember how many reasons away from being the 2012 GOP Presidential nominee.
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Gary M, with some perspective on Pete Carroll’s great year so far with the Seattle Seahawks, “At USC he didn’t have to deal with a salary cap.”
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Commie pinko thought of the night: Yeah I know. “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” But people with assault weapons kill a lot more people.
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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: fiscal cliff jokes, Lakers jokes, Los Angeles Lakers jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 11, 2012
In a recent survey, San Francisco was voted the second-smartest city in the U.S., finishing behind Boston. Well, except that folks from San Francisco are smart enough not to run losing campaigns for President.
Starbucks sold 5,000 limited-edition stainless steel gift cards for $450 each, which were loaded with just $400 in Starbucks credit. Now some of the cards are selling on EBay for over $1000. Because nothing says I like paying too much for fancy coffee like an overpriced gift card?
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The Colts, Seahawks, and yes, even the Redskins have a good chance of all making the playoffs in 2012. So can we get rid of the rumor that rookie QB’s can’t lead an NFL team?
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Interesting, at this point it looks like Stanford will have more people attending the Rose Bowl than attending most of this year’s home games.
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Many Americans are wondering now who will be Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” Of course many in the younger generation are wondering “What’s ‘Time Magazine.’?”‘
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Some stories this morning trying to make a big deal out of the fact that Andrew Cuomo refused to endorse Hillary Clinton for President in 2016. Suppose it’s too much to ask that we at least not start the next campaign until after Obama’s second inauguration.
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So after Pete Carroll’s Seattle Seahawks demolished the Arizona Cardinals 58-0, wonder if Jim Harbaugh sent him a text asking “So what’s YOUR deal?”
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My friend Tony Alan Banks says “Many people are surprised by the success of the Seattle Seahawks. Not me, I watched as Pete Carroll coached professional football players here at USC.”
(but hey, isn’t it nice to see Pete can do as well with less highly paid talent?)
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A Santa in Toronto, Canada has been fired after told a 3 year old boy wearing a Maple Leafs hat that his team sucked. Presumably the man is now fielding several offers from stores on the North Side of Chicago.
(and moreover, this time Santa Claus was wrong. This year so far the Leafs do not suck.)
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The 37 year old Arizona man was a co-winner in the Nov. 28 Powerball lottery says he took the one-time payout of $192 million because of the potential upcoming fiscal cliff. Right. Now there’s someone who really has to worry about a tax increase.
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The Los Angeles Dodgers new ownership has now committed $650 million to players under contract. Forget “The Boys of Summer,” we’re now approaching “The Billionaire Boys Club.”
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Former Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino has now been hired at Western Kentucky. While NFL players are restricted from all sorts of things, wonder if Petrino will be the first coach to be banned from getting on a motorcycle. Or at least from riding with a passenger.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Person of the Year jokes, Pete Carroll jokes. Starbucks jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 10, 2012
Lindsay Lohan is apparently having problems making her $8000 a month Beverly Hills rent payments. On a brighter note, the way she is going with arrests, Lindsay is likely soon to be in free government paid housing.
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RG3 said today he “screamed” when he hurt his knee. And then added “Like a man, of course.” What? Of course maybe he meant that a woman would be too tough to scream.
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Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are spending rather lavishly but the latest “Show a little restraint” comment comes from the Yankees.
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A thought about the musical chairs game that NCAA football coaching has become. There are at least 4-5 schools going to bowls without the coaches that took them there. What about a rule saying that no coaches can change jobs until AFTER the BCS championship game?
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So Cincinnati, which lost Brian Kelly to Notre Dame and Butch Jones to Tennessee, has snatched Tommy Tuberville from Texas Tech as their new football coach. So is this part of Tuberville’s plan to get back to coaching in the SEC in a few years.?
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The Rolling Stones had their first U.S. stop Saturday night on their 50th anniversary tour. At one point Mick Jagger said to the crowd “”People say, why do you keep doing this?” Wonder if the real answer is “Not sure… we can’t remember.”
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The Dodgers are about to sign Zack Greinke for six years and $147 million? Somewhere Clayton Kershaw is just giggling.
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Meanwhile in Los Angeles, former Lakers’ coach Mike Brown is laughing out loud.
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The election is over but many conservatives still love to chant the mantra “Solyndra.” Wonder why we never heard them do the same with “Halliburton?” Or for those with longer memories – “Enron.”
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Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez says his cancer has returned. Wonder how long until he blames this on the United States?
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From T.C. “Brandon Marshall says that NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. Imagine when a coach calls time out and demands a measurement. What do you mean I’m an inch short! ”
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Trivia question for the day:
Which are the three teams that will be in their third straight BCS bowl this January?
Answer ( none of them from the SEC) : Oregon, Wisconsin and Stanford.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, college football jokes, Dodgers jokes, Lakers jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
December 8, 2012
Except for the Army-Navy game, there were no college matchups games this weekend. So fans of high-level amateur football will just have to wait for the Jets-Jaguars game on Sunday.
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NY coach Rex Ryan says Tim Tebow, who has been sidelined with broken ribs, may play this week as in practice he “did a lot more on the field than he had in previous weeks.” Well, looking at the Jets recently “doing a lot more on the field” on Sunday is setting the bar pretty low.
Yeah, the NBA season is pretty meaningless in many ways, but over one week into December how many people had the Golden State Warriors significantly ahead of the Los Angeles Lakers?
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Not a joke, Pizza Hut has actually responded to requests with a limited edition “Eau de Pizza Hut” perfume, which smells of baked pizza dough and herbs. But it’s already sold out. Bad news for women who REALLY want a scent a man can’t resist.
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Many Americans probably weren’t even aware that Friday was Pearl Harbor Day, I suppose we should be glad at least that no one was using it as an excuse for a sale.
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So the U.S. Supreme Court is going to hear a case on gay marriage. After the Court’s Citizens United ruling maybe it’s time for a new tactic – i.e. if people and corporations are legally equivalent, well, then, corporate mergers have always been gender-neutral….
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According to his lawyer, Jerry Sandusky is unhappy with his solitary confinement and wants a change, believing he would be safe in the prison’s general population. Okay by me!
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Florida socialite Jill Kelley, whose complaints about threatening emails from Paula Broadwell helped break the General Petraeus scandal, reportedly is shopping a tell-all book as “payback” for the “humiliation” she has suffered. “I’d be really excited to read that” said absolutely no one.
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A worker at a New Mexico Albertson’s found a handgun and ammunition packed in a carton of frozen ribs. According to police, the meat came from the Swift Packing Plant in Greeley, Colo, marked June 8, 2011. What’s scarier – , a gun with the ribs, or the fact the meat was packed a year and a half ago?
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South Carolina governor Nikki Haley is apparently not amused by a Twitter campaign pushing her to appoint Stephen Colbert as Senator to replace Jim DeMint. But seriously, looking at some of these unfunny clowns…could Colbert do any worse?
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Serious thought -when is the NFL going to make “cars and drivers,” or at least taxis, mandatory for players? Heck, the cost for a season would be less than one fine for a late hit, or wearing a baseball cap.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, New York Jets jokes, Sandusky jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 7, 2012
Uh, really? This from “One Million Moms,” about the latest J C Penney cute holiday commercial: “A new JCP ad features Ellen (Degeneres) and three elves. JCP has made their choice to offend a huge majority of their customers again. Christians must now vote with their wallets.” And somewhere Jesus is probably thinking “Don’t lay this on me, morons, I love Ellen.”
(and actually, “One Million Moms” is reputedly an organization of about 40,000.)
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Jim DeMint is resigning his South Carolina Senate seat to take over as president of the Heritage Foundation. According to Charitywatch.org, the salary for the position is currently $1,172,321. No wonder DeMint didn’t want to raise taxes on the super rich. He’s about to become super rich.
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Rumors that some are trying to draft Stephen Colbert to run for senate in Jim DeMints’ place. Well, it sure would increase ratings for C-Span.
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The Yankees have apparently offered Kevin Youkilis a 1-year, $12 million deal. If he signs, expect an economic stimulus in Boston, as t-shirt vendors dig up those old traitor-Judas patterns they used for Damon.
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A Florida man was arrested after he told police he left a pit bull to watch a 10 month old baby while he went to a bar to drink beer. Scary thing, the dog was probably more responsible than the man.
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Some Americans who don’t like reading about the British Royal family don’t like the idea of people being important just because of an accident of birth. But hey, how’s that George W. Bush library going?
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Gay marriage and marijuana smoking are now legal in Washington. So get ready for some fabulous high times!
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Esquire Magazine has come out with a list of “Gifts under $25 that don’t suck.” Of course, if you choose any of them from the list, your recipients may now know you’re both unimaginative and cheap.
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Can’t understand how football players get the reputation for being neanderthals: Vikings LB Chad Greenway told a local paper that fans should get “super-duper drunk” Sunday to help Minnesota’s home-field advantage against the Bears- “Yeah I would say morning drinking. Why not? You could pull an all-nighter. Then you’d have the drunk, tired guys who will really be obnoxious.”
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Anna Gristina, known as New York’s “Hockey Mom Madam” says she is going to start naming client names, including some from the NFL. Well, not sure how their wives might feel, but on some level the idea that NFL players actually pay for consensual sex is better than many alternatives…
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NBA Commisioner David Stern defends his $250,000 fine of the Spurs for sending 3 stars home because the “club went beyond what owners agreed was a reasonable approach to resting healthy players”. Uh, one, does anyone think if San Antonio wasn’t playing Miami on TV that Stern would have noticed. And two, the Spurs still almost beat the Heat.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: DeMint jokes, Ellen jokes, NBA jokes, NFL jokes
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December 5, 2012
Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta have reunited for a Christmas album and are appearing together to talk about “Grease,” which was 34 years ago. Of course, now the song starts “I’ve got chills, aches, a little fever, and did i tell you about my arthritis….?
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New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”
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Penn State is investigating their Chi Omega sorority after they posted an offensive Mexican party photo with members wearing fake mustaches and signs saying things like “Will mow lawn for weed and beer.” Tacky and insensitive for sure, but good to see the university acting fast when it’s something REALLY important
Just a thought, if President Obama really wants to get down and dirty with John Boehner over working out a deal, maybe he should propose a major new surcharge on tanning booths.
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While on a hunting trip this year, apparently Robin Yount accidentally hit Cubs manager Dale Sveum with shrapnel from a pellet gun. Gosh, never knew Yount had ambitions to run for vice president.
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Apparently irony is not in this man’s dictionary: Grover Norquist on President Obama – “he thinks somebody made him King,” and doesn’t know ‘where he stands in the universe.”
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Rex Ryan says he’s sticking with Mark Sanchez. Frustrated New York fans wonder how long the Jets will be sticking with Rex Ryan
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Kristin Cavallari is now confessing that most of the arguments and relationship on her former reality show “The Hills” were fake. Wow, next thing we know someone will be questioning the integrity of professional wrestling.
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Texting is 20 years old. Hard to imagine. This means in 1992 for college students to set up a booty call, they actually had to call.
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The Pope now has a Twitter account. Amazing how the Catholic Church is willing to change and adapt in the 21st century when it comes to technology but not with little things like women priests, celibacy, birth control….
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Starbucks announced plans to offer $450 stainless steel gift card.. Wow. That’s enough for at least a dozen lattes.
Cal just hired Louisiana Tech’s Sonny Dykes as their new football coach. And of course I am sure the Stanford band will treat his his coming from Louisiana, and his name with the utmost respect and decorum next year at halftime..
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, fiscal cliff jokes, Grease jokes, Janice Hough, Penn State jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 4, 2012
And for BCS bound Northern Illinois and Wisconsin, no coaches either.
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Northern Illinois coach Dave Doeren got his team to the Orange Bow but left for NC State, now Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema is going to Arkansas, probably before the Rose Bowl. And Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly left Cincinnati before their Sugar Bowl. Can’t understand why some players don’t understand how it’s all about the team.
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Open note to now-former Wisconsin football coach Bret Bielema, who has taken the job at Arkansas: In the SEC you can’t count on getting into a BCS bowl because two other teams in your conference are on probation.
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A Wisconsin judge, Tim Boyle, ordered a father of 9 who is over $100,000 behind on child support payments not to have any more children until he can support them. Can we put this judge on the Supreme Court? Or at least make him commissioner of the NBA?
New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”
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RG3 was in a courtside seat tonight at the Heat-Wizards game. Final score, Miami 100-Washington 105?!! Is there nothing that man can’t do?
Adds Nick Coombs, “Third straight win for the Wizards against the Heat… can’t wait for David Stern to fine the Heat for this one.”
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And we thought this presidential election had enough fun with Mitt’s dog on the roof and Biden’s gaffes. Now comes the story that Fox’s Roger Ailes was pushing General Petraeus to enter the race….
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President Obama is considering naming Vogue editor Anna Wintour, allegedly profiled in “The Devil Wears Prada,” as ambassador to the U.K. What, he figures Mitt Romney didn’t manage to offend the English enough this summer during the Olympics….?
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Ad from British Airways for their “One World” alliance “Over the last two years we flew more than 25 million passengers across the Atlantic Ocean.” Presumably at least 10 million of them with their luggage.
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A thought from my friend Michael McNabb on a headline about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy – “Royal Baby To Be Last Person On Earth To See Mother’s Breasts.”
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Groaner alert:
There are reports that the New Orleans Hornets could be renamed the “Pelicans” by next season. To paraphrase an old verse, “A wonderful team are the Pelicans. But make the playoffs? We don’t know how in the hell-we-can.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, Clinton jokes, Kate Middleton jokes, Wisconsin jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 4, 2012
NY Jets coach Rex Ryan says he is undecided on next week’s starting QB, but insists he has confidence in McElroy, Tebow and Sanchez. Yikes. Has someone checked Ryan for concussions?
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Only bright spot for NY sports fans Monday? The Giants’ lackluster performance temporarily knocked the Jets off the front page.
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Five BCS games. Only five teams in those games ranked in the top ten. And only one game with a spread under 8. Guess that mean bitch karma isn’t a fan of television networks.
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The Mets are reportedly interested in trying to trade R.A. Dickey. But GM Sandy Alderson says fans should not take it as a sign that the team is pessimistic about their 2013 chances. Longtime fans are thinking. “The Mets had 2013 chances?”
Apparently Mitt Romney has gone back to work, rejoining Marriott’s board of directors. So President Obama’s job creation program is already working.
Kentucky’s men’s basketball team (4-3) fell out of the top 25 since John Calipari became coach in 2009. Calipari is so reportedly so upset with the team he might threaten the players with drastic punishment – like having to go to class.
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Really? SI’s Sportsman of the Year is Lebron James?! Are they going to have a one-hour television special about how they came to that decision?
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Derek Jeter has a broken ankle, A-Rod now needs hip surgery and will probably miss some of the 2013 season. Not saying the team is old but Yankees could end up wasting more money than a bad Medicare program.
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A recent poll showed that Americans ranked Congress as second lowest out of 22 professions for honesty and ethical standards, higher only than car sellers. On the bright side, lawyers are happy to look good by comparison.
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A New Jersey man will be arraigned today on the charge of “destruction of an aircraft” after he punched and broke a window on a JetBlue plane when he was unhappy with his seat assignment. So coming next, does this mean an airline “window security” fee?
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Serious thought for a change: An aside to the gun control debate with the Chiefs player who murdered his girlfriend, maybe this is also time to both renew the NFL’s focus on concussions? And it is DEFINITELY time to do everything possible to destigmatize professional athletes going to mental health professionals.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, Janice Hough, NY Jets jokes, Rex Ryan jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 3, 2012
Sunday, the San Francisco Bay Area moaned about another day of rain. And up in Seattle they are just giggling.
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Duke vs. Cincinnati, Dec 27 in Charlotte. Supposedly in the “Belk Bowl.” But are we sure this isn’t a basketball tournament?
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Kobe Bryant, after the Lakers’ latest loss to Orlando Sunday night: the team had “better make the adjustments they need.” or “I’ll kick everybody’s ass in this locker room if that doesn’t happen.” Hmm, maybe Kobe is angling for being the next coach after Mike D’Antoni?
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Meanwhile, now playing in SF, quarterback controversy, act two…..
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Watching Jim Harbaugh talking to the media reminds me of a cat toying with a room full of mice: The 49ers coach after today’s loss that there will be “no change” at quarterback but if there is a change, he would let everyone know….
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Louisiana Tech (9-3), turned down an invitation to play in the AvoCare V100 Independence Bowl against the Univ. of Louisiana-Monroe.(8-4) Tough for Louisiana Tech players, but hey, what a nice break for some TBD .500 team that just missed the postseason.
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A Sunday ad insert for “Bed, Bath and Beyond” features “Waiting for Santa” pet pajamas, along with “one size fits all” antlers. The ad features a picture of a dressed up dog. Presumably because there isn’t enough liability insurance to have anyone risk trying to put that outfit on a cat.
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Tim Tebow was declared “inactive” for Sunday’ss Jets-Cardinals matchup. And this was different from Rex Ryan’s usual game plan how? .
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At the beginning of the year some said Tim Tebow wasn’t an NFL quarterback. Now we know Mark Sanchez isn’t either.
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Northern Illinois is in the Orange Bowl? Hey, if they win will the Huskies get an invitation to join the SEC?
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And back to politics: Just wondering why since John Boehner is all about spending cuts, he’s not suggesting any reduction in military spending? (From Wikipedia – The U.S. DOD about 19$ of the budget 28% of estimated tax revenues. Including non-DOD expenditures, military spending was approximately 28–38% of budgeted expenditures and 42–57% of estimated tax revenues.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, football jokes, NY Jets jokes, San Francisco jokes
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December 2, 2012
Okay, going out on a limb here and willing to bet that a team wearing white and red will win the Rose Bowl.
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Before any Stanford fans freak out about the 70 points Wisconsin put up against Nebraska, two reality checks: 1. The Badgers have FIVE losses. 2. One of these losses was 10-7 against Oregon State.
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One thought going through the head of any long-time Stanford fan watching the Big Ten championship – “Thank God Ron Dayne has graduated.”
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A little perspective, please? SF Chronicle story about SF 49ers QB Alex Smith is headlined “Playing well and then a cruel twist of fate.” Uh, I have no doubt Smith is disappointed to be demoted, but he’s young, healthy and making $5 million this year – Life could be a lot worse.
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So now that we are learning that on any given Saturday any SEC team can beat another, it’s a shame we don’t really know how they match up with Pac 12 teams… Gosh, if only there was a way to compare them on the field.
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Oregon State played Nicholls State, from Thibodaux, LA, today in a “home opener” rescheduled from Sept 1. due to Hurricane Isaac. The Beavers won 77-3. Wonder if Nicholls State can re-apply for disaster relief.
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A new dating site, Meetattheairport.com, is designed for travelers to meet while they are waiting for their flights. Let’s hope the major airlines don’t get wind of this…they may start charging more for delays as potential extra mingling time.
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So what exactly does it take to get national respect? Announcers on CBS Sports just talked about how UCLA outplayed Stanford yesterday but won’t go to the Rose Bowl because they lost the game….. (really.)
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Finally some good news in the court of public opinion for Lindsay Lohan? Tiffany Williams, the woman she allegedly punched in Manhattan, has hired Gloria Allred as her lawyer.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough, rose bowl jokes, Stanford jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 1, 2012
The nerds are going to Pasadena. (Move over Cal Tech)
Is it too early to start the 2013 Kevin Hogan for Heisman campaign?
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The Stanford vs. UCLA Pac 12 championship was played at 5p. Scheduled for all those East Coast prime time market fans who really cared. Both of them.
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“The only good thing about Grover Norquist is he’s named after a character from ‘Sesame Street.'” — Former Pres. George W. Bush adviser Matthew Dowd. But while Elmo has been accused of screwing underage boys, this Grover has been screwing the whole country.
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Monte Kiffin says he will retire as USC’s defensive coordinator after their bowl game. Trojan fans are just praying “Like father, like son.”
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A Oregon man lost on Mount Hood in a blizzard was rescued from a storm after he posted a screenshot to Facebook with his GPS coordinates. Of course, maybe if he hadn’t been updating his FB page while hiking he might not have gotten lost in the first place.
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The new owner of the New Orleans Hornets, Tom Benson, says he would like to change the name to something more “fitting” of Louisiana. If he can get the NBA to make the change does this make the whole team players to be named later?.
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The Phoenix Suns on Dec. 6 will guarantee its fans that they will have fun at the game or they can apply for a refund. But define “fun.” Heck, for a certain type there’s always “Fifty Shades of the Washington Wizards.”
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Not saying college football is overly in love with replay, but expect any day now to have an official review to see if a timeout is long enough.
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Got to love all this media effort to search for the Powerball winners. What a country, considering the odds, we glorify people who were idiotic enough to buy tickets.
(and hey, the lottery for cheap entertainment value, sure, why not. But as a retirement plan?)
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NBA commissioner David Stern fined San Antonio $250,000 after they sent 3 top players home early from a road trip, thereby missing the game against the Miami Heat. Stern said the fine was because the Spurs “did a disservice to the league and our fans.” So why doesn’t he fine the Wizards EVERY night?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: NCAA jokes, Rose Bowl, Stanford jokes, Wizards jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 30, 2012
After she allegedly punched another woman in the face at a Manhattan nightclub, Lindsay Lohan was arrested early this morning. So congratulations to all those who had November 29 in the pool.
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Silver lining for Lindsay Lohan after her latest arrest, for punching a woman in the face at a nightclub. She may not get any new offers to star in made-for-TV movies, but Lohan stands a good chance of a contract from Celebrity Boxing.
B.J. Upton,, who hit .246 last year, signed a $75.25 million, five-year contract with the Atlanta Braves. Forget the Hall of Fame, MLB players should build a SHRINE to Marvin Miller and Curt Flood..
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Hostess Brands Inc. is asking a judge to approve giving its top execs bonuses totaling up to $1.8 million. The company says the incentive pay is needed to retain the 19 managers during the liquidation process, which could take about a year. Maybe they could pay them in Twinkies?
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V.P. Joe Biden made a public shopping trip and chose the new Costco in Washington, D.C. Makes sense, picking up “a few” items at Costco is like Biden himself saying “a few” words.
From my funny friend Jerry Perisho: “As Mitt Romney drove away following the meeting, White House staffers did a quick check to locate Bo.”
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“Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu was suspended from the LSU team in Aug. over drug charges, then arrested for marijuana possession while in rehab. Now Mathieu is entering the next NFL draft, saying he is “committed to tackling my personal issues” And what better place than the NFL to avoid temptation?
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A Oregon man lost on Mount Hood in a blizzard was rescued from a storm after he posted a screenshot to Facebook with his GPS coordinates. Of course, maybe if he hadn’t been updating his FB page while hiking he might not have gotten lost in the first place.
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While they didn’t hit the big Powerball, 20 police officers in Columbus, Ohio will share a $1 million prize. To paraphrase Homer Simpson “Mmm, donuts. LOTS of donuts….”
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The NCAA just approved a bowl waiver for Georgia Tech’s, allowing them to playa bowl game even if they lose to Florida State this weekend and finish 6-7. Well, how heartbreaking is this for all those 5-8 teams who came oh so close to the postseason….
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The Spurs will apparently be fined after sending Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili home to rest before playing the Grizzlies Saturday, causing them to miss Thursday’s game against the Heat. Guess San Antonio should have followed NBA regular season protocol and just had their stars show up and sleepwalk through the game.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: bowl game jokesokeswww, football jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, NCAAj jokes, Twinkies jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 29, 2012
President Obama and Mitt Romney will meet at the White House today for a post-election/pre-Christmas lunch. Wonder if they will exchange gifts?
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The NYPD announced that on Monday that for the “first time in memory” there was not a single murder in New York City. Wow. guess Cyber Monday keeps even the bad guys from working.
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Mike D’Antoni, expressing regret for leaving Phoenix, said “I should never have gone to New York.” Wonder how long it might be before he says “I should never have gone to Los Angeles?”
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Parents have apparently named their newborn girl “Hashtag.” Wonder if along with the college fund they’re putting money away for future counseling?
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Have to wonder, with San Jose State’s football team 10-2, how long until they join the Big East? Heck, they aren’t that much west of San Diego State
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Uh oh…. the Washington Wizards actually won a game. And we are only 23 days away from the end of the Mayan calendar. Should we be worried?
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Ndamukong Suh was fined $30k for kicking Matt Schaub in the groin, but claims it was “inadvertent.” Right, like he’s going to say “Of course I meant to kick a QB in the nuts?”
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We wonder sometimes how this nation got so much into debt: For starters, take a look at all the people whose idea of a retirement plan is winning the Powerball lottery.
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Starbucks is now selling a premium coffee for $6 for the smallest cup. Does it come with a designer label so you can advertise how much you spent on it?
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Marissa Mayer of Yahoo says of working motherhood: “The baby’s been easy. The baby’s been way easier than everyone made it out to be.” Gosh, even dealing with all those the nanny shift changes?
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-A thought about the 2012 GOP primary: “Half of them were probably on Fox contracts at one point in their career. You do that. You write some books. You go out and you sell some more. You get a radio gig or a TV gig out of it or something. And it’s like, you say to yourself, the barriers of entry to this game are pretty damn low.” From that liberal pundit Jon Huntsman.
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Anyone else addicted to “Nashville?” Yeah, it’s a soap, really. But great acting, good-looking people and better music than many singing reality shows.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, Marissa Mayer jokes, NBA jokes, New York jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 28, 2012
The man responsible for Apple’s much criticized new iPhone 5 mapping software has been fired. Presume in this case they actually did have to show him the door.
Speaker John Boehner announced all 19 major House committee chairs for the next congress, and all 19 are white men. So alas for diversity, the only man of color amongst GOP congressional leadership, is orange.
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Some disgruntled Dallas Cowboys fans have started a petition asking President Obama to remove their “controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator” – i.e. owner and GM Jerry Jones. Alas Washington residents know if Obama had that power, he’d have already removed Dan Snyder.
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Donald Trump said in a just-published interview that Mitt Romney’s self-deportation immigration policy was “crazy” and “maniacal” Well, and if anyone knows crazy and maniacal…
Regarding the DWTS finale: Clearly I am missing something….but since when do you become a “star” by having a public romance and breakup on a “reality” TV show? Guess it’s as plausible as achieving stardom by being a pregnant teenager.
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First it was Charlie Sheen melting down. Now actor Angus T. Jones from “Two and a Half Men” is apologizing for calling the show “filth” and “inappropriate” in interviews. Uh, anyone want to get some preventive help for Jon Cryer?
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The Washington Wizards are now 0-12. Fans may have already given up hopes for the NBA playoffs. But there’s always the N.I.T.
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Wonder how long until the Washington Generals try to schedule a game against their crosstown rivals?
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When Marvin Miller, who passed away today at the age of 95, first fought for free agency, George Steinbrenner was one of the owners against it, saying that anyone would be able to build a team. And yeah, the system sure has ended up hurting the Yankees….
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Maybe I’m missing something, but did Americans ever elect Grover Norquist?
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The Eagles cut DE Jason Babin in the midst of a disappointing year, and after he took to Twitter to question the loyalty of some fans. Uh, Jason, it’s Philadelphia. They not only boo Santa Claus, they’d cut him too if he didn’t live up to expectation.
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Tulane is the latest school to join the Big East for football. Perfect, now they can change the conference name to the “Big Easy” and be done with it.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, DWTS jokes, iPhone5 jokes, NCAA jokes, Wizards jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 25, 2012
Apparently Charlie Sheen sent Lindsay Lohan a $100,000 check towards her IRS bill. A nice gesture, of course, her antics HAVE helped keep him off the front page.
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Former U of Tennessee and NFL WR Cedrick Wilson has been suspended from his Memphis teaching job as one of 18 people charged- so far- in a alleged scheme to help potential public school teachers cheat on their certification tests. Who says college football doesn’t prepare you for the real world?
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North Carolina State football coach Tom O’Brien has been fired after a 7-5 season. 7-5?! With that kind of record the Carolina Panthers would have rewarded him with at least a 10 year extension.
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Mark Buehrle is now complaining that that the Miami Marlins lied to him. And the Florida taxpayers on the hook for their new stadium are thinking “get out the bleeping violins.”
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Mitt Romney is apparently moving to La Jolla. If he’d paid more attention to Prop 30 maybe Mitt would have spent more time campaigning in California.
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Penn State coach Bill O’Brien may or may not have praised his team by calling a bunch of “f**kers” in a postgame interview. Either way, at least there’s no chance it’s the most embarrassing story for the school this year.
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Who’d a thunk this? Right now according to the AP poll the best two-loss college football team is NOT in the SEC?
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All this misty-eyed talk about Notre Dame and their season of destiny is pushing me towards the impossible – rooting for an SEC team.
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But really, “Destiny’s Darlings?” (What ESPN said about the Fighting Irish) Sounds like a bad wannabe girl band.
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Wonder if there will be special tattoos commemorating Ohio State’s unbeaten season….
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At Saturday’s BYU basketball game, two fans printed 6,300 “Chicago to Provo” t-shirts to give out to fans in hopes of swaying Jabari Parker, a highly ranked senior from Chicago Simeon Career Academy. The donated shirts are legal – now someone buying the kid a hot dog, that would be a violation.
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A JetBlue flight attendant was arrested at JFK airport for allegedly helping her boyfriend steal an iPhone from another traveler. This is not supposed to happen; the only airline people allowed to ripoff the public are those who come up with all those surcharges.
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The St. Louis Cardinals’ David Freese is okay after crashing his SUV while trying to avoid a deer. And Tiger Woods said “Why didn’t I think of that excuse?”
And for what little it’s worth: Stanford 10-2, with 9 games against teams who will be playing in bowls this season. (Notre Dame, Oregon, USC, UCLA, Washington, Oregon State,Arizona, San Jose State and Duke. Seriously.)
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, BCS jokes, NCAA jokes, Notre Dame jokes
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November 23, 2012
If you’re reading this, then for another year there’s one more thing to be thankful for – you’ve survived your relatives.
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And for anyone who does Black Friday shopping online, shouldn’t there be an online game you can click to where you can virtually trample or be trampled?
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As we head towards Cyber Monday, have to think retailers could get a lot more men participating if they could just figure out a way to bet on it.
Hey, if we don’t buy enough crap, we tank the economy. So shopping is actually somewhat patriotic.
New Jersey was hit by a small earthquake. Either that or Chris Christie has taken up jogging.
(and note to anyone who is offended. Christie HIMSELF tells fat jokes, so the rest of us have dispensation.)
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My friend Tarun Reddy points out the Miami Marlins FB status update today: “Skip the lines and save up to 30% on Marlins gear at marlins.com” Wonder if this also means for other MLB teams that there will be a 30% discount on any remaining Marlins players..
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Ben Roethlisberger and his wife Ashley just had their first child, a boy. Disappointing all those who were hoping for a girl so that someday Big Ben could watch her grow up and start going out to bars.
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So throwing a challenge flag on a play that should be automatically reviewed not only is a penalty, but makes the play unreviewable? What a shame for Detroit that they didn’t have replacement refs who wouldn’t have known that stupid rule.
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Guess it wouldn’t have been Thanksgiving without Ndamukong Suh being a douchebag.
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Lots of controversy over Thanksgiving night store openings:. While I understand the problems for employees, it does make a certain amount of sense. Families could go right from watching football to participating in the real American contact sport – shopping.
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The Los Angeles Lakers just lost 97-113 to the Sacramento Kings. Have the calls already started to fire Mike D’Antoni?
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It’s a Happy Thanksgiving in 49 states. Dallas lost.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: black friday jokes, cyber shopping jokes, Janice Hough, shopping jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
November 22, 2012
First of all, besides the usual family and friends stuff, am very thankful to anyone who reads this blog. Whether it’s regularly or whether you stumbled upon it looking for a joke, you all are the reason I write. And I hope I brighten your day.
I also really appreciate everyone who takes the time to comment, whether it’s positive or negative, or to add a line I wish I’d written.
But today is time for a special thanks also to all those who make these jokes possible.
This year, in no particular order, special thanks to the Chicago Cubs, the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox (especially departed manager Bobby Valentine), the Los Angeles Dodgers (especially their trade with the Red Sox), and the Miami Marlins.
Thanks to Jamie Moyer too, who alas probably has retired for good. But he was a great competitor, an excellent punchline, and from all I hear, an even better human being. (Runs a foundation for children in distress.)
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Plus another serious thank you (okay, I get one) to the San Francisco Giants. For making us realize that the impossible sometimes is merely the unlikely. And who somehow managed to win the World Series without being on the brink of elimination to the Detroit Tigers.
Thanks to the replacement refs, and to the NFL for maintaining for so long that there was no problem with them. Thanks to the Philadelphia Eagles and the NY Jets for imploding so spectacularly. And the Washington Redskins and Oakland Raiders for not being far behind.
Thanks to the NBA for the shortened season (can we do this every year), and to the Lakers for assuring that even at the beginning of the season we have some drama.
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Thanks to the BCS for being as screwed up as ever, the NCAA for turning “student-athlete” into a perennial punchline, and the SEC for making the New York Yankees look humble.
Oh, yes, and thanks to the conferences whose inability to grasp the concept of math (10 is 14?) is equaled only by their utter fail at geography. (San Diego State in the Big East?)
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Thanks to politicians on both sides of the aisle. With the GOP primaries, they provided far more targets, not to mention the multiple personalities of Mitt Romney but the Dems always have Bill Clinton and Joe Biden.
And President Obama, for being someone we can blame EVERYONE on. (If he thinks the punchlines are bad, wait until his second term, when the girls hit puberty while Michelle probably goes through menopause.)
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And finally, thanks to all the folks in this world, famous and not so famous, who continue to act in absurd ways where often punchlines aren’t even necessary.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving humor, Thanksgiving jokes, Thanksgiving thanks
Comments: 14 Comments
November 21, 2012
Really? A recent study indicates that 70% of teens have concealed their online behavior from parents. Uh, don’t at least 70% of teens regularly conceal most things from parents?
So in future will proof of age be required to purchase a “Tickle Me Elmo?”
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Tacky alert: Two of this year’s new Sesame Street toys are “LOL Elmo” and “Let’s Rock! Elmo.” Will they now be known as “OMG Elmo” and “Let’s Get Your Rocks Off! Elmo?”
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A woman is recovering after being shot in the leg Tuesday night during an argument with another shopper in a supermarket near Los Angeles. Wow. Black Friday just starts earlier every year.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:
AAA declares today the busiest traveling day; and, due to dealing with relatives, AA declares Thursday the busiest drinking day.
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ESPN got a 12 year contract for the new college football playoff starting after the 2014 season. So for fans tired of East Coast Bias, we can now look forward to East Coast + SEC Bias.
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Where do you go when you lose an election? Mitt Romney was seen with his grandchildren at Disney World yesterday. (Good for him. But I blame Obama.)
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The SF 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick said after Monday’s game “I don’t want there to be a (QB) controversy.” And the Chicago Bears responded, “Well, heck, you could have taken care of that with a few interceptions.”
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So much for bipartisan anything. Here’s PETA to President Obama on his Thanksgiving pardon:. “Turkeys do not need to be ‘pardoned’-they are not guilty of anything other than being born into a world of prejudice. They are innocents who should be respected for who they are: good mothers, smart birds, and interesting animals.”
The Florida Marlins’ current 2013 opening day payroll? $36 million. To put that in perspective, that makes the Oakland A’s ($59 million) look like big spenders.
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For further perspective, A-Rod’s one year 2013 salary- $30 million. Although A-Rod and the Marlins have something in common. Neither are relevant in October.
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For General Petraeus, it could be worse. In Vienna, a woman confessed in court to shooting, sawing up and freezing both her ex-husband and her lover, and then burying them under her store in 2008 and 2010, and then burying them in the basement. (She was extradited from Italy for the trial after workers installing pipes found some body parts, and is currently pregnant by ANOTHER man.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Elmo jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, Thanksgiving jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 21, 2012
San Francisco just voted to ban public nudity. Can they work on Spandex next?
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And in the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up, department”, the San Francisco Supervisor who originally proposed the public nudity ban? Scott Wiener.
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USC redshirt freshman quarterback Max Wittek is making his first start Sat. against #1 Notre Dame. And said today “I’m gonna go out there, I’m gonna play within myself, within the system, and we’re gonna win this ballgame.” Well he may be young, but if nothing else, Wittek’s cocky enough to be a true Trojan.
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So as a result of a Twitter challenge, Cory Booker and one of his “followers” may both try to live on food stamps for a week. Actually, if a New Jersey leader should attempt to live on a restricted diet, shouldn’t it be Chris Christie?
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And for all those who wondered, where’s the missing piece in this sleazy saga…. Natalie Khawam (the twin sister of Jill Kelley, who was the woman General Petraeus’s mistress threatened in emails), just held a press conference with her new attorney, Gloria Allred.
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Hostess said today they failed to reach an agreement in mediation with their union and will continue their liquidation proceedings. So guess all those Ebay Twinkie auctions are back on.
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Now it makes sense: According to ESPN, Rutgers should receive about $24 million a year as part of the Big Ten, compared to $6 million football members of the Big East got last year. In return, the Big Ten gets a member in the largest media market in the country… I guess geography matters after all.
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Plaxico Burress is back with the Steelers. Apparently Pittsburgh decided to take a shot at it.
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Some Ohio State fans apparently have started a petition asking President Obama to revoke their probation and 2012 Bowl Ban. Who do they think they are? An SEC team?
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Meanwhile, Maryland is heading to the Big Ten. In nearby Washington, fans wonder if they could take the Wizards with them.
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Guessing those “Tickle Me Elmo” dolls aren’t going to be such a hot seller this Christmas.
(Or will they be stocked in “adult boutiques”?)
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Cal AD Sandy Barbour on the firing of football coach Jeff Tedford. “This was an extraordinarily difficult decision, one that required a thorough and thoughtful analysis of a complex set of factors.” Wow, and Barbour said it with a straight face.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Big Ten jokes, Janice Hough, San Francisco nudity ban jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 