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Not just a river in Egypt

August 23, 2013

ESPN dropped out of its partnership with PBS on the documentary “League of Denial,” a investigation of NFL players’ head injuries. The network said the decision was not due to league pressure. What’s next, an ESPN statement that the NFL doesn’t have a steroid problem?

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Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will retire next year. Or as the company might have put it “shutting down to avoid further damage to their computer business.”

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San Diego Mayor Bob Filner in his resignation speech said “I’ve never sexually harassed anyone.” He blamed “those of you in the media and politics who fed this hysteria… You have unleashed a monster… I think [we’ll] be paying for this affront to democracy for a long time.” Even A-Rod is thinking “Dude is in serious denial.”

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More from Bob Filner’s resignation speech, where he said San Diego “just faced a lynch mob.” And he said he was “trying to establish personal relationships” with women, “but the combination of awkwardness and hubris led to behavior that many found offensive.” Once again, empirical evidence on why we need more women in office.

 

Broadcaster Dave Flemming returned to the SF Giants broadcast booth Friday night  from the Little League World Series.  Big change. Good thing Dave’s a pro & can adjust to Giants’ lower level of play

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Vin Scully has announced he will return in 2014 for his 65th year with the Dodgers. 65 years! Wow. Does that mean he was a rookie announcer back in Jamie Moyer’s rookie year?

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Ben Affleck will be the new Batman. Can’t wait to hear him ask where to “pahk the Batmobile.”

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The NFL fined RG3 $10,000 for wearing an unauthorized t-shirt that said “Operation Patience” to practice before a preaseason game. Good to know the league is focused on what’s really important.

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The New England Patriots lost 40-9 to the Detroit Lions last night. Maybe it was just pre-season football. Or maybe God REALLY REALLY doesn’t like putting Tebow on the bench.

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One of those “the world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel” moments: A GOP voter who believed Obama wasn’t a “natural born” citizen but still supported Ted Cruz told the Texas Tribune: “As far as I’m concerned, Canada is not really foreign soil.”

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Testing, one, two, three….

August 22, 2013

Ryan Braun issued a statement acknowledging that he took PED’s in 2011, the year he won the NL MVP. “I’m shocked,” said at this point absolutely nobody.

Re #RyanBraun‘s apology for using steroids. Think I’ll actually believe the first guy who apologizes for using #PEDS BEFORE he gets caught.

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Really? Apparently in regards to an HGH testing agreement, Congress is threatening to get involved because the NFL and the NFL Players Association have gotten so little done. Pot meet kettle. Kettle, pot.

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80 GOP members of Congress urged Boehner to trigger a government shutdown rather than fund the implementation of “Obamacare.” Since they feel this way, I do hope the members are also voluntarily cancelling their own expensive government funded healthcare.

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Some Roman tourists were charged $130 for four coffees with liqueurs at a Venice cafe. Upon hearing the news, Starbucks instructed their lawyers to look into the costs of liquor licenses.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up: On Family Feud the question was “Name a state that ends with the letter “A.”  One contestant’s response:  “Arkansas.”

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FOX is going to charge $4 million for 30-second Super Bowl ads. Wow. That kind of $$ for a pay-to-play ratio is almost on the level of Simon Cowell’s future child support.

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Not saying the 2013 SF Giants are playing like they’ve checked out, but they’ve just been voted the favorite team of the National Librarians Association.

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#AaronHernandez was expected to be indicted for murder today. Quick, time for the #Patriots to release another #Tebow story.

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This item passed along by Ryan Duca. Apparently when Nationals manager Davey Johnson showed for a Washington radio show. the story came up about Boston Red Sox catcher Mike Napoli’s apparently dating an “adult film actress”/porn star. Johnson’s reply: “Well none of my guys could, ’cause we can’t score.”

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Bradley Manning is now referring to himself as Chelsea, and wants to begin hormone therapy right away in prison. Given the way he feels about the U.S. Government, however, I assume he is looking for private donations to pay for it?

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David Ortiz told a reporter than he disapproved of Ryan Dempster throwing at Alex Rodriguez. I’m sure the fact that Big Papi was named in the Mitchell Report as allegedly testing positive for steroids in 2003 had nothing to do with it….

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From T.C.  “Tiger Woods, complaining of a sore neck and back, did not play the back nine of his pro-am Wednesday in New Jersey because he said his mistress, I mean mattress, at the hotel was too soft.”

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And okay, for a serious end to this post, we’ve heard enough about the young black/biracial thugs in Oklahoma. How about these two black women? You go girls.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/22/us/georgia-school-shooting-911-reunion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

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Somethin’ always happens whenever we’re together…

August 21, 2013

David Cassidy has been arrested again for DUI, the second time in three years. Looks like the former Partridge Family star was been taking “C’mon, get happy” a little too literally.

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There’s now some buzz in the media over whether or not Tim Tebow will make New England’s final roster. The Patriots have to love this – finally some headlines that don’t involve a Brady injury or murder.

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Wow, just wow. A recent survey of Louisiana Republicans asked who was most to blame for the Government response to Katrina. 22% said George W. Bush. 29% said Barack Obama. (No joke. 44% weren’t sure.)

 

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A-Rod says he has told his legal team to shut down the rhetoric with MLB and the Yankees because he’s “just focusing on baseball, just baseball.” Translation: “My lawyers are actually making me look WORSE.”

 

Celebrity Cruise Lines has cancelled four Alaska cruises due to a problem with one of their ship’s motors  Carnival’s response “FINALLY, it’s not us.”

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Imitating the airlines?  Holland America Line is sending out revised invoices because they say “govt fees and taxes are subject to change” and the actual taxes and fees now exceed their estimates.  The increase $4.08 a person.  Probably cost more than that to send the invoice.

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A North Carolina man has been arrested for the third time for giving women unwanted backrubs. What’s his defense? That he someday wants to run for Mayor of San Diego?

 

No word from the NRA after the senseless shooting of a college baseball player in Oklahoma. Half expect someone to say this would not have happened if the young Australian man had been armed.

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Miguel Cabrera played today after appearing to have injured himself again in last night’s game. The Tigers’ star has been playing through a strained lower abdomen, injured hip and banged-up left leg. Gosh, can you imagine how Cabrera would hit if he were healthy?

 

 

So much success in sports is due to the luck of the draw on physical gifts. For the Little League World Series, add to that “the luck of the draw on reaching puberty.”

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Although prosecutors had asked for 60 years, Bradley Manning was sentenced to 35 years for leaking government secrets. After precisely the sort of “fair and open trial” Edward Snowden is in Russia trying to avoid.

 

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To Puig or not to Puig

August 21, 2013

 

 

 

 

 

Yasiel Puig was fined by the L.A. Dodgers for showing up late at the stadium Tuesday in Miami before the team’s game with the Marlins. Puig said he was caught in traffic. Guess he should have called Lebron James for advice on getting a police escort.

 

Think I’ve figured this out. Dodgers fans know Yasiel Puig is a spirited young sweetheart, Giants fans know he’s an immature young punk. And if he’d signed with SF we’d both know the opposite.

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SF Giants score tying run on a foul ball, and winning run on a bases loaded walk on a strike. Cue Rod Serling.

(as my friend Robert says, “Let’s all acknowledge that ball four was closer to a strike than anything A-Rod saw from another Red Sox pitcher.)

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And the Giants won 3-2 despite being 0-10 with runners in scoring position. 

 

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–Jennifer Lopez will apparently be returning to American Idol this year. Translation, neither of them had a better offer.

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Ah consistency, thy name is not MLB. Ryan Dempster was suspended for five games and fined for hitting A-Rod with a pitch. If Dempster appeals his suspension, however, it will be heard and decided right away.

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But major lesson from the Ryan Dempster-Alex Rodriguez “incident”: If you’re going to throw at someone, have enough control to hit them on the first pitch.

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From Bill Littlejohn:   During Sunday’s game, Colts QB Chandler Harnish hit sideline reporter Pam Oliver in the face with a pass.   It was the most errant pass to a sideline reporter since Joe Namath’s on Suzy Kolber.

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Al Jazeera America has started broadcasting, and of course there are questions about its potential bias. As opposed to our unbiased U.S. networks…. This from Jim Pinkerton on Fox News today “But look, they’re an Arab news channel and let’s face it, many if not most Arabs probably support what bin Laden was trying to do in terms of killing Americans and so on.

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Three kids who shot and killed an 20 year old Australian college baseball player in Oklahoma said they did it because “we were bored and we didn’t have anything to do so we decided to kill somebody.” 

Actually if they wanted to alleviate boredom with a gun I’m thinking they could have spent as much of the day as it took playing Russian Roulette

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Cruz-ing?

August 20, 2013

Tea Party darling and possible 2016 Presidential candidate Ted Cruz released his birth certificate. He was born in Canada to a U.S. mother and a Cuban father, which most legal scholars say qualifies him as a “natural-born citizen” and thus eligible to run under the Constitution. Fine, except do his fans realize that this means it doesn’t matter if Obama was born in Hawaii, in Kenya or on Mars, because his mother was a U.S. citizen, he is also “natural-born.”

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ESPN is reporting that allegedly Miguel Tejada, who was suspended 105 games for amphetamine use this season, was also implicated in the Biogenesis investigation. So MLB had the choice of suspending him for either case. Guess the league chose the option where their drug testing actually WORKED?

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Understatement of the week? In a USA Today story on Egypt, a reservations agent at the Cairo Four Seasons was quoted “We cannot accept any reservations until next Saturday, because as you know, there are bad circumstances around the hotel.

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Another thought about Ted Cruz’s birth certificate. Under Canadian law, unless he formally renounces it, he still has dual-citizenship, and could run for office in Canada. Of course, the country might view that as a serious threat to the U.S/Canada relationship.
 
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Aaron Hernandez, writing a letter to a fan from jail. “My biggest fear of all is she (my little girl) won’t know daddy.” Many people watching this case think it might be scarier if she DID end up knowing him.
 
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A-Rod’s lawyer said on the “Today Show” he wanted to talk more about the case, but was prohibited from doing so by baseball’s confidentiality clause. Then Matt Lauer showed him a document sent by MLB waiving confidentiality….. This isn’t a steroid issue any more, it’s the “World Series of Poker.”
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Stay classy Texas GOP men: A supporter of Greg Abbott, the attorney general running for Governor tweeted that Abbott “would absolutely demolish idiot @WendyDavisTexas in Gov race – run Wendy run! Retard Barbie to learn life lesson” Abbott’s initial response “Thanks for your support.”
 

After a spate of negative publicity, the NCAA has given a waiver to five-year Marine veteran Steven Rhodes to play football at Middle Tennessee State. Originally Rhodes was ruled illegible because he played in a military recreational league. (Now had he played pro-baseball like Chris Weinke or Russell Wilson, it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place.)

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Dick Van Dyke, 87, barely escaped injury while driving his sports car on Highway 101 near L.A. The Jaguar caught fire and a passing motorist pulled him out of the car before it was engulfed in flames. Glad he’s okay, but 87? Even NFL players are thinking “Dude, ever heard of a car and driver?

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The Obama’s have adopted a second dog, Sunny, the same Portuguese Water Dog breed as Bo due to family allergies. GOP take on the new member of the President’s household? Just another Democrat supported by public funds.

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And the hits just keep on coming?

August 18, 2013

 

 

Ryan Dempster appeared to have hit Alex Rodriguez deliberately in the ribs with a pitch tonight. A-Rod, however, has to count himself lucky that Bob Gibson is not still playing.

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Red Sox manager John Farrell talking about Dempster hitting A-Rod, “he had to establish his fastball in… I don’t know that he hit him on purpose, I don’t think he did…” He’d have done better defending Dempster by saying “My pitchers are good enough to hit someone intentionally on the first pitch.”

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Although at this point it’s hard to imagine the Red Sox dislike A-Rod anymore than the Yankees GM.  Brian Cashman’s relationship with Rodriguez makes George Steinbrenner’s with Billy Martin look positively cuddly.

 

Wonder how long it will take before the next intentional beaning to A-Rod comes in batting practice.

 

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The Obama family returned to the White House tonight after a 9 day vacation in Martha’s Vineyard. Many in Congress were critical of the trip, and no doubt more will criticize the President when when they return from their summer recess on Sept 9.

 

From T.C.   Ryan Dempster beaned A-Rod on a 3-0 pitch tonight. Yanks GM Brian Cashman sent Manager Joe Girardi out to argue the call.  Maybe to bring Alex back to the plate so Dempster could bean him again.

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Looks like the new Jobs movie is making about as much money as a sale on two-year old iPhones.

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Crooks are stupid item of the day: Police in Huntington Beach arrested a man and charged him with vandalism for allegedly scrawling obscenities on the side of patrol cars. They were tipped off when he “liked” photos of those damaged patrol cars on the department’s Facebook page.

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In three games against the Marlins in Miami, the SF Giants have scored 25 runs. Wonder if the team flew in a nearby Haitian witch doctor for the weekend?

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How the NFL preseason has changed. Teams used to worry about how many players would be injured. Now they also worry about how many will be arrested.

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All the talk now is about the Los Angeles Dodgers…. what about the Detroit Tigers? Running away with their division, and doing it without much of a year from Justin Verlander. If he gets hot in the postseason….”

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Pre-season madness.

August 18, 2013

Two more Ohio State starters have been suspended for the first game of the season, bringing the total to three (two arrests, one unspecified violation of team rules.) Gosh, this ought to bring the spread against Buffalo down under six touchdowns.

 

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Three posslble responses to the NY Jets’ QB controversy: 1. Mark Sanchez should start. 2. Geno Smith should start. 3. WTF does it matter, the Jets won’t make the postseason anyway.

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There’s a petition to recall San Diego mayor Bob Filner. Wouldn’t it be easier just to lure him out of the mayor’s office by telling him there are women interested in him, and then change the locks.

 

Well, no one will accuse them of being subtle. The NY Post, not endorsing Eliot Spitzer for comptroller: “New Yorkers will choose between two candidates for city comptroller in the Democratic primary. One is Scott Stringer, a conventional Manhattan liberal. The other is a completely unhinged Manhattan liberal.”

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By a 53 % to 18 % margin, Americans said there is not enough supervision over the NSA’s collection of telephone and Internet data, with Republicans more likely to say it’s an unnecessary intrusion. Of course, I am sure those same Republicans believe the NSA was doing its job correctly under George W. Bush.

 

–Another week of NFL preseason games down. Have to feel sorry for season ticket holders who shelled out money to watch something as meaningless as a pay-per-view of Kim Kardarshian and Kris Humphries’ wedding ceremony.

 

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Russian pole vaulter Yelena Isinbayeva, an IOC ambassdor, now says she was “misunderstood” over anti-gay remarks, saying that people should respect the laws of other countries when they are guests… But let me state in the strongest terms that I am opposed to any discrimination against gay people on the grounds of their sexuality, which is against the Olympic charter” Sounds like a joint statement written by a lawyer and a publicist.

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Not the Onion: Pepsi-flavored Cheetos are being sold in Japan. No, they aren’t available in the U.S., yet, but guessing the first state they are available will be somewhere they sell medical marijuana.

 

 

Miguel Tejada has been suspended 105 games, allegedly for an ADD drug. Sounds like what he was really suspended for was being too stupid to get a prescription.

 

 

40 ball pythons were confiscated from a single motel room on last week outside of Toronto. So was someone planning a possible sequel to “Snakes on a Plane?”

 

 

NCAA football hasn’t been like basketball with the “One and done” phenomenon for their stars. But looks like Johnny Manziel may have figured out a way to accomplish it.

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Sorry, Charlie

August 16, 2013

The Philadelphia Phillies fired Charlie Manuel, the winningest manager in their history. Guess out of respect for all he had done the team decided not to make him suffer through the last 6 weeks of the season.

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The GOP voted Friday not to allow CNN and NBC to sponsor their presidential primary debates if those networks air their programs about Hillary Clinton. The first step in a GOP victory plan to keep ANYONE from televising their presidential primary debates?

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Former Stanford pitcher Drew Storen has to be thankful to the SF Giants. He’d been sent down to AAA, but was recalled after Thursday’s game. Apparently the Nationals figured if their relievers couldn’t hold a lead against the Giants offense, they needed help fast.

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A new principal at Palo Alto (CA) High school has sent a letter to students warning them to stop the tradition of streaking on campus or face suspension. Here’s a simpler suggestion: remind students that their streaking will probably end up on Youtube for their future children, employers, etc to see….

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A 60 Minutes report said that A-Rod’s representatives were the ones that leaked the names of Ryan Braun and Yankees’ catcher Francisco Cervelli to MLB’s PED investigation. Added to his other problems, there goes Rodriguez’s chance of ever winning Miss Congeniality.

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A-Rod today later denied the report that he implicated fellow players, including a teammate as PED users. And why should we doubt anything Rodriguez says?

A new study found that drinking more than four cups of coffee is more likely to result in an early death. Wonder what the stats are for early death for anyone living with someone like that who DIDN’T make sure they had at least one cup of coffee in the morning.

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Meanwhile, a new Columbia University study found that 5 year-old children who drank at least 4 servings of soda a day were twice as likely than those who drank no soda to display aggressive violent behaviors and have trouble following instructions. Uh, my guess is 5 year-old kids with parents giving them at least 4 sodas a day just might have other issues affecting their behavior.

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What’s going on? Friday night the SF Giants almost outscored the SF 49ers?

(And who else saw the 14-10 score and thought-  I didn’t realize the 49ers were playing the Dolphins?)

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NJ Governor Chris Christie says he’d accept a medical marijuana bill allowing edible marijuana to be dispensed only to minors, not to patients of all ages. Well, guess he’s as well acquainted as anyone about the danger of adults getting the munchies?

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Kim Kardashian slammed Katie Couric on Instagram for sending her a baby gift, since Couric said recently she didn’t understand why the Kardashians were so famous. Kim’s caption read: “IHateFakeMediaFriends” Uh, does she think she has any real media friends?

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From Jim Barach:  Consumer experts say that people need to be careful now that Obamacare is taking hold as there are opportunities for swindlers, con men and rip-off artists. As opposed to the current health care system which is full of swindlers, con men and rip-off artists.

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Heads and other lines.

August 15, 2013

Headline of the day: “Florida issues warning about rare, brain-eating amoeba.” Which means most of the state’s residents should be safe.

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Another headline  “Jon Stewart returns to the Daily Show September 3.  And somewhere  “And absolutely nothing has happened all summer.”:   Anthony Weiner.

 

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–Oprah gave away a car on the Jimmy Kimmel show this week.. Well, it was a cheaper gesture than a handbag.

 

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The latest twist in the sleazy saga Bob Filner is that the San Diego Mayor even sexually harassed a great-grandmother. This latest alleged victim is represented by…. Gloria Allred. So congrats to all those who had August 15 in the pool. (What took Gloria so long?)

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Meanwhile the latest news out of the mess that has become the America’s Cup is that Larry Ellison’s defending U.S. Champion Oracle team has been accused of cheating by Emirates Team New Zealand.  Gosh, who will stop  this endless billionaire on billionaire violence.

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2013 Wimbledon champion Marion Bartoli announced her retirement last night. “The first time is the hardest” responded Brett Favre.

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Russian pole vaulting star Yelena Isinbayeva criticized other athletes who painted their fingernails in rainbow colors, and condemned homosexuality in general. Guessing this will not make her popular in the Olympic village with figure skaters.

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From Bill Littlejohn:   “Before Thursday’s game against the Seattle Mariners, Rays players were surprised to see manager Joe Maddon with a python in the clubhouse.Guess he wanted to bring in someone who really knows how to run the squeeze play”

Yes,  it has been that bad.  Hector Sanchez’s 3-run pinch homer was just the Giants’ second HR with 2-plus aboard since June 13.

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Bud Selig, defending A-Rod’s suspension: “I have a job to do, and the job is to protect the integrity of the sport and enforce our program, and that’s what I’m going to do.” (Well, at least when players are dumb enough to use a PED clinic that keeps records.)

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Facebook is now giving me the message “Add your phone number to help secure your account and more.” More what? Robocalls to go with the online ads?

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Love this sign at the store next door: “No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.”

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Negotiations

August 14, 2013

Alex Rodriguez’s lawyer, trying to fight MLB’s 211 game suspension, says that his client didn’t commit “multiple violations.” Brings to mind the old joke “we’ve already figured out what kind of woman you are, we’re just arguing price.”‘

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The horror, according to “E-news” Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie almost both ended up on the SAME FLIGHT in first class from Los Angeles to London. When Aniston’s people were informed they changed her flight to the next day. Beyond-first-world problem. Way-beyond-first-world solution.

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Forbes says the Dallas Cowboys, worth $2.3 billion, are America’s most valuable team. Can you imagine how much the Cowboys would be worth if they could actually win?

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Apparently Tom Brady limped off the practice field today with a possible knee injury. Will  Patriots fans blame Tim  Tebow.

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In California, the Sonoma Valley High School Boosters had a fundraising event threatened with cancellation as they were serving homemade wines (some made by well-known winemakers.) Guess they should have done something less dangerous, like raffle off a gun?

 

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Kate Gosselin, (from the not-so-dearly-departed Jon & Kate Plus appears with her children on the cover of People Magazine: “We were struggling, then we were doing really well, then it all fell apart, and now we have a so-called normal life.” Right, because all normal families appear on the cover of People Magazine.

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A 73 year-old man who climbed over a barrier at Hawaii Volcanoes National Park and fell 115 feet was rescued after a hiker heard his cries for help. And somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

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John Oliver on “The Daily Show” tonight said he became a NY Mets fans “because, as a British person, I associate sports with misery.” Responded the Chicago Cubs “who are we, chopped liver?”

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You cannot make this “stuff” up, female version: Sheryl Sandberg, the multimillionaire who advised women to “Lean In” has founded a non-profit to help women get ahead “Lean In” -the foundation is looking for interns. Unpaid interns. Well, this ought to do wonders for Sandberg’s reputation for being completely out of touch with the lives of average women.

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Oops,. In 2010, the Oklahoma Lottery Commission had discontinued their toll-free number to save money, but recent lottery tickets were printed on old paper. And the phone number is now used… by a phone sex line. The mistake will be corrected, the potential excuse could go on for years. (Really honey, I was just trying to win us millions.)

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From T.C.  “Irish discount airline Ryanair is under fire for refusing to refund a ticket of a passenger who passed away before her flight. The deceased’s son threatened to put the urn containing his mother’s ashes on the plane and filming and uploading the video to YouTube. Talk about passengers requiring assistance to board.”

This wouldn’t happen in the U.S.  They’d probably demand an additional over-sized bag fee for the urn.

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Too much Weiner?

August 13, 2013

Anthony Weiner is complaining that the media is focusing too much on his sexting instead of the issues: “Substance doesn’t get covered in a campaign like this.” Except that substance WOULD have been covered if Anthony had kept himself covered.

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Meanwhile, while Spitzer and Weiner create punchlines,   Newark mayor Cory Booker, has quietly won the Democratic Senate primary.   Who knew?   Something for New Yorkers to envy about New Jersey.

Liz Cheney, who is challenging Sen. Mike Enzi, in the Wyoming GOP primary, is calling on Enzi to “renounce” a deals that allows Congress to continue to subsidize their staffers’ health care premiums. Wonder why she isn’t calling on ex-Senators to give up their lavish pensions and healthcare benefits?

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More “stuff’ you can’t make up. San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has been banned from the local Hooters. They’ve posted a sign that the mayor “will not be served in this establishment” and “We believe women should be treated with respect.” Does this even need a punchline?

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You can’t make this stuff up,  part 2.  In Ohio last weekend an instructor accidentally shot a student in class. It was a gun safety class. (It’s okay to laugh, the student will survive.)

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Pundits are saying that a Hillary Clinton speech yesterday stokes speculation that she will run in 2016. With all due respect, any time Clinton leaves the house it stokes speculation she will run in 2016.

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Ah, internet targeted advertising. Today I’m getting something from Priceline on Yahoo for the “Summer Bay Resort” in Florida. “Summer Bay Resort” was featured in a link I posted yesterday: It’s the Disney-area resort with a sinkhole.

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–Singapore Airlines says that due to retiring their Airbus 340’s, they will eliminate the “World’s Longest Flight,” a nonstop between Newark and Singapore, this fall. Although isn’t the real “World’s Longest Flight” any trip where children are screaming nonstop within hearing distance?

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The Justice Department, that never met an airline merger it didn’t like, is now challenging the American-US Airways merger because it would “substantially lessen” competition. They cite National Airport, where the combined airline would control 69% of takeoff and landing slots, and 63% of nonstop routes. This sort of semi-monopoly happens all over the U.S. But guess when it hits airports Congress and other politicians need, it’s an issue.

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Wesley Clark, 67, is divorcing his wife of 46 years for a 30 year old woman. So has Clark given up his Presidential aspirations? Or is he angling to be the running mate of Donald Trump?

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So much for a life outside the public eye. Apparently Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have been holding out because they have offered to put North on the cover of …. Vogue. But reports are editor Anna Wintour is “less than enthusiastic…” Can’t imagine why.

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Possible reaction from SEC teams to the allegation that Johnny Manziel was paid for signing autographs?  “See, this comes from teaching players how to write.”

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Bo knows better?

August 13, 2013

The latest Obama “scandal” is the idea that the President chartered a fancy plane to bring Bo to Martha’s Vineyard. Apparently Bo did travel on the MV-22 Osprey, but it also carried White House staff, media, and the Secret Service. Of course if Romney had been elected the dog would have flown on the roof where he belonged.

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Joe Biden is giving hints of a possible run for the Presidency in 2016? So what will his real contribution be to the race? Making Hillary look young?

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The Texas State Board of Education is trying to get “intelligent design” into biology textbooks. Interesting thing…most of the folks arguing “intelligent design” are their own best arguments against it.

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So maybe catcher A.J. Pierzynski’s ejection in the 6th inning was the reason Yu Darvish lost his perfect game in the 8th. Maybe not. But that’s okay. Because the real reason fans come to games is to see world-class umpiring from guys like home-plate umpire Ron Kulpa.

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Want tickets to the Univ. of Florida vs. Georgia game this year in Jacksonville? A few are available, all you need is a contribution to the Florida Gator Boosters. The amounts needed? For 6 tickets, $14,500, for 2, $8,300. Hard to imagine how some of these players get that idea that the point of playing college football is money.

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Apparently the first pictures of little Prince George after his brief appearance on the hospital steps are likely to be family photos sent out on Twitter by William and Kate. And somewhere the Kardashians are thinking ‘What, no multi-million $ contract?””

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Personally I don’t get the handbag thing, (wouldn’t pay $380, let alone $38K), but the Swiss saleswoman is now trying to attack Oprah’s credibility by saying “I simply told her that it was like the one I held in my hand, only much more expensive, and that I could show her similar bags.” Maybe she should quit while she’s behind.

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Mike Trout said anyone caught using PEDs should be banned from baseball for life. Which means either that he’s not using, or he doesn’t think he’ll get caught.

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Allegedly Johnny Manziel signed autographs and memorabilia for dealers at at least two previously unreported off-season sessions. At this point wonder if Manziel will be signing autographs this fall as a quarterback for the Canadian Football League.

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From T.C.  PGA Champion Jason Dufner’s final round scorecard will be sent to The World Golf Hall of Fame, but not until Johnny Manziel co-signs it.

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A California man on a hunting trip was shot and killed in Marin County last weekend while riding in a car with other hunters. The Sheriff’s department is indicating a gun accidentally “went off.” Gosh, if only he had been armed.

(Augie wonders, “was Cheney in the car?”)

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An SF Giants fan apologized to Adam Jones, saying he did not intend a racial insult, but was so frustrated with the Giants’ play against the Orioles that he just grabbed a banana off a catering cart at AT&T Park and threw it toward the field. The way the SF bullpen looked in that 10-2 loss, suppose it’s lucky that the fan didn’t pick up and throw the whole cart.

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Misery loves company.

August 11, 2013

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Judge ordered a 60 day cooling off period in the BART negotiations. This process is beginning to look like it’s about as productive and will drag out as long as the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries divorce.

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Who needs “Breaking Bad” in San Francisco. Giants fans already got their dose of “Breaking Ball Bad” today when Zito took the mound in relief.

 

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Kevin Federline has gotten married again.  See ladies, it’s not just the good ones who are taken.

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Rockie FSU QB Jameis Winston told reporters “”If I get ‘Manziel disease,’ I want every one of y’all to get your mics and just start [hitting me] on the head.” Well, this should be fun if the Aggies and Seminoles meet in a bowl game.

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ESPN headline “Tiger finishes PGA at 4 over.”   Gosh, did they cancel the rest of the tournament afterwards?

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Alas for the comedy writers of the world, Stephanie Banister, who this week referred to Islam as a country, has dropped out of her race for a parliamentary seat in Australia. But here’s one more gem: “”Jews aren’t under haram (sic), they have their own religion which follows Jesus Christ.” Ah, Stephanie, we hardly knew ye.

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Two customs agents at JFK were sickened by a substance that authorities originally thought was nerve gas, but apparently turned out to be ordinary nail polish remover. Stand by for one more thing that TSA may now look to confiscate. Sigh.

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San Diego Mayor Bob Filner just left a two-week behavior therapy program a week early. What’s with this guy? First he thinks he’s Herman Cain, now he thinks he’s Lindsay Lohan?

 

–The GOP is calling for a Presidential primary debate boycott of NBC if they air a miniseries about Hilary Clinton. Turns out the show may be produced for NBC by another company: Fox Television Studios (sister company of FOX News.) Oops. One might just think the GOP doesn’t want their debates aired at all….

 

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Say what, say who?

August 11, 2013

After 3 rounds of the PGA, lots of headlines about Tiger Woods not being able to win another major this week. Amazed I haven’t seen one that says he’s ONLY 13 shots back

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Men are having a hard time with the Oprah in Switzerland story. Who would want a $38,000 handbag anyway? I mean for the cost of a few of those purses you could get a Ferrari.

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The NSA says that they only  “touch” 1.6 % of internet data,(and of that 0.025% is selected for review.) The other 98.4% belongs to advertisers.

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All pitchers are equal, some of them are more equal than others: MLB just overturned an official scorer’s call in the Tigers-White Sox game July 25. They decided an RBI double by Chicago’s Tyler Flowers was actually an error. Now, all four runs that inning against Justin Verlander are unearned…

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Johnny Manziel’s lawyer predicts the Heisman Trophy winner won’t miss any playing time in 2013. And if the NCAA investigation means that Texas A & M has to retroactively forfeit their season, well, WGASA. (Certainly not Johnny.)

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Chris Brown’s publicist said the singer has suffered a seizure brought on by “intense fatigue and extreme emotional stress.” “Gosh what a shame” said a handful of men and no women.

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So tired of Fox baseball idiots.  (Yes, I mean you, Buck and McCarver.)   They were saying how the Orioles should walk Posey to pitch to Pence, even though Posey, while the reigning MVP, has been about 1 for 100 with RISP recently. Fortunately Showalter wasn’t any smarter.  And Pence got the game winning hit.  Go Giants.

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The NY Yankees are now trying to fine A-Rod about $150,000 for missing a day of his rehab without team permission. This relationship is deteriorating faster than a Hollywood marriage.

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The Mars One project, planned to start in 2022, is looking for 40 people willing to take a one-way trip to the planet in order to colonize it. Reportedly over 10,000 people have applied. Wonder how many of those applications were actually sent in by the person’s significant other or ex?

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The Obama family is vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard this week. The outcry from some in the GOP about such an exclusive destination could only be matched by the same people’s indignation if the President chose somewhere like Disney World or a Florida beachj. Where the security would interrupt the hard-earned vacations of countless average Americans.

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Silver-tongued lining?

August 9, 2013

At least all the A-Rod stories are knocking Anthony Weiner off the front page….

A-Rod has apparently hired the same private-detectives Dominique Strauss-Kahn used when he was accused of rape in 2011. Wonder what the firm’s name is “Sleazebags-R-Us?

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–Meanwhile, while we debate A-Rod and his pals, have to wonder, so how many other PED users are playing tonight? But who were smart enough not to use a sloppy outfit like Biogenesis?

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A pick-six on the fourth play of the first game of the preseason…. Good to know that the the NY Jets’ Mark Sanchez is already in midseason form.

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“Back to school” shopping in July fell short of retailers expectations. But to be fair, have to wonder how many shoppers were waiting for the Christmas sales starting after Labor Day.

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–A California man has turned a $2,000 Brooklyn dumpster into a apartment – complete with a bathroom, bed, kitchen and sun deck. And he still probably doesn’t have the smallest apartment in New York.

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Evan Longoria, unhappy that A-Rod can play and affect the pennant race: “I don’t think it’s fair that we can’t have an arbitrator hear the case sooner.  If you get in a bench clearing brawl and a guy punches another guy and is ejected from the game and gets a 10-game suspension, you appeal that and it’s heard in the next 3 weeks. You either get 10 games or 6 games or whatever. I don’t understand why that process can’t happen for this.”

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Jack Clark is now alleging that Albert Pujols has done steroids, and hinted the same for Justin Verlander. Who does Clark think he is, Jose Canseco?

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From T.C.   The Bills’ offensive coordinator says they are going to keep giving running back C.J. Spiller the ball until he throws up.   Are they aiming to be the “Barfallo Bills?”

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Remember all those supposedly useless “X gets Y mph, X is going Z miles. How much gas does X need?” math problems? A Virgin America flight had to stop to refuel in San Jose on its way to San Francisco tonight. The flight distance between the two airports is about 30 miles. (Shouldn’t passengers at least get a refund on their fuel surcharge?)

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Four Vanderbilt football players, who were dismissed from the team over an alleged sexual assault this June, have each been charged with five counts of aggravated rape and two counts of aggravated sexual battery. Wonder what the young mens’ defense will be? That they were trying to prove Vanderbilt belongs in the SEC?

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Lance Armstrong’s attorneys are arguing in a class-action lawsuit that Armstrong had the right to lie about his career in his autobiographies. If the defense works, A-Rod wants names – of the lawyers and Lance’s ghostwriter.

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Switzerland has apologized to Oprah after a saleswoman at a fancy Zurich boutique refused to show her a $38,000black handbag, saying she “will not be able to afford” it. I hate racism as much as anyone, but some of those salespeople are equally snotty to non-rich looking white people. Cue the Julia Roberts “big mistake” scene in “Pretty Woman…”

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Rainbow warriors?

August 8, 2013

You know, instead of boycotting the 2014 Sochi Olympics, the entire USA team could just walk in holding hands.

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Today was the first day of the NFL preseason. Completely meaningless games in August. Making the whole country honorary Cubs fans.

 

–Lebron James reported for jury duty this morning but was dismissed. Guess the judge didn’t want to risk turning the jury’s decision into a one-hour TV special.

 

Okay, it’s only preseason, but how lousy did the SF 49ers look tonight on offense? Some fans thought they were watching the SF Giants?

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Dr. Sanjay Gupta comes out in support of medical marijuana: ‘We have been terribly and systematically misled.” If only Thomas Jefferson had grown marijuana along with tobacco. How different our “Bill of Rights” might have been?

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NCAA president Mark Emmert said today that they will stop selling jerseys of college athletes, including those of Johnny Manziel, online: “We’re going to exit that kind of business immediately. I certainly understand how people can see that as hypocritical.” With all due respect Mr. Emmert, even Stevie Wonder could see that as hypocritical.

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August 8 was “World Cat Day.” To which most cats respond “Isn’t EVERY day world cat day?”

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I thought there was a major golf tournament this weekend but all I see in the news is this stuff about Tiger Woods having a bad round.

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Family values alert: A Florida mother and daughter were arrested this week and will both face charges after soliciting “two-for-one” sex deals online. Your move, Arizona.

 

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Anyone need any more proof on the unreliability of online rating services? Tripadvisor just rated New York as America’s fourth-best pizza town. Behind San Diego, Las Vegas and Boston.

 

Bus to hell time. Miami resident Derek Medina allegedly shot his wife to death this morning, and then posted a picture of her body on his Facebook page. Previously Medina’s only claim to fame was as the author of the e-book “How I Saved Someone Else’s Life and Marriage through Communication.”

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From Bill Littlejohn,  “I hear that while at the University of  Florida, Riley Cooper made the Paula Deen’s List-“

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It’s only money

August 8, 2013

The New York Yankees are playing like a team that doesn’t want this A-Rod circus to continue into the postseason.

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In the SF Bay Area, BART and their unions are reportedly about $100 million apart in their strike talks. In New York they’re thinking “$100 million? That’s barely a Yankees middle reliever.”

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Signed memorabilia from Ohio State QB Braxton Miller and South Carolina DE Jadeveon Clowney have appeared for sale online, but the schools say there was no wrongdoing by the athletes. And if you can’t trust Urban Meyer and Steve Spurrier, who can you trust?

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You just MIGHT have too much money when…A Los Angeles Bar has unveiled a 20 item water, complete with water sommelier on hand. Prices go up to $16 and there are $12 tasting flights. This being Los Angeles wonder how long it will take for someone to ask for a preferred water recommendation for their dog.

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–Mitt Romney, speaking about GOP 2016 Presidential candidates “My guess is that every one of the contenders would be better than whoever the Democrats put up. But there will only be one or perhaps two who actually could win the election in November.” Well, if anyone knows about unelectable….

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Massachusetts Catholic priest, Monsignor Arthur Doyle, 62, was arrested in Lowell on a prostitution charge last weekend. He was caught with the woman, 38, performing oral sex on him in a car. And the archdiocese is going. “Thank God, an adult female.”

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From Marc Ragovin:   “A shipping company in Italy has discovered long-lost footage of a pre-Citizen Kane film by Orson Welles called “Too Much Johnson.” Hey, isn’t that Anthony Weiner’s campaign slogan?’

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Timberwolves rookie Shabazz Muhammad was sent home by the team for the rule violation of bringing a female guest into his hotel room. The reason Muhammad was at the hotel? The four-day NBA’s Rookie Transition Program, designed to help young players stay out of trouble…..

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Captain Kangaroo’s Cosmo Allegretti, 86, who created the Dancing Bear, has died. For the younger generation, yes, there were lovable puppets before the Muppets.

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Only missed the ‪#‎Powerball‬ jackpot by six numbers tonight. And I didn’t even play.

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Okay, who’s the brilliant mind who came up with this on KNBR- an SF Giants ad for the Brewers series at A T & T taunting Milwaukee about their suspended slugger with an asterisk? Must have been promotional pot-kettle giveaway night.

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LSU’s star running back Jeremy Hill was already on probation for a sex-crime involving a 14 year old girl when he was arrested in April for sucker-punching a man at a bar. (And he was seen laughing about it on a video.) 

The judge, however, just extended his probation, with a curfew. Then Les Miles let the team vote, and they voted to reinstate him. Good thing the judge’s provision said the curfew would be waived for football night games…

(You have to wonder, if Hill murders someone, will they make him sit out a quarter?)

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Human Rights Watch, reporting on Russian efforts to silence journalists and activists before the Sochi games, says that organizations documenting Olympic preparation abuses “were subject to intrusive government inspections, including at least one organization that had its email accounts examined.” Gosh, if there were only someone in Russia who was willing to take on a government over such actions.

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Pay to play?

August 7, 2013

Not saying Johnny Manziel is getting a big head. But at this point I half expect to read that he gets pulled over for speeding and tries to charge the officer to sign the ticket.

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Johnny Manziel allegedly received at least $7500 for signing autographs. Looks like the NCAA’s policy on accepting payments is working about as well as MLB’s drug policy.

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Not saying ‪#‎A-Rod‬‘s self-centered act is getting old but even his mirror is telling him he might not be the fairest of them all anymore.

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Bill Clinton said he and Hillary wouldn’t get within 100 miles of the New York mayoral race. Darn. Wishing Bill had said he wouldn’t touch the race with a 10 inch pole.

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Rick Perry in a speech last weekend “There are many states that embrace those conservative values, the approach we’ve taken over the years. I’m in one today – Florida.” Except Perry was speaking in New Orleans. But give the Texas Governor credit, he was close. Sort of .

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The GOP is threatening not to let NBC and CNN televise the next GOP presidential primary debates if they go ahead with miniseries about Hillary Clinton.The networks have to be wondering, how many good reasons will Rick Perry give them?

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ABA conference starts today in San Francisco Is it just coincidence that 8,000 plus lawyers will descend on the city right in the middle of Shark Week?

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You just can’t make this “stuff” up: Scott Hounsell, the former executive director of the GOP in Los Angeles County, has been mocking Anthony Weiner on Twitter. Last Friday he was arrested for allegedly sending sexting a 16-year-old.

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Taco Bell is debuting a new waffle taco. For those who are tired of always starting the day with something healthy like a doughnut.

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Just in case we thought this A-Rod circus didn’t have enough clowns, enter Ozzie Guillen. Who tweeted “its all madonnas fault. every athlete she has been with has gone bad. see canseco, rodman and now rodriguez lol lol lol.”

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Bud Selig had yesterday he was proud of baseball’s Joint Drug Program including “random testing, groundbreaking blood testing for human growth hormone..” Uh, Bud, except with all these suspensions – THE TESTING DIDN’T CATCH ANYONE……

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You know it’s a long night at A T and T park when SF Giants fans are looking forward to the between innings “Kiss Cam” to see some scoring.

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SF Giants scheduled Jewish Heritage night Tuesday night against the Milwaukee Brewers. Possibly to honor the top Jewish MLB player. Oops.

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Really? In response to complaints that they haven’t chosen a minority as “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”, ABC has made the daring move of choosing a hunky blonde ex-soccer player from…. Venezuela?

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Breaking news?

August 5, 2013

Breaking news. A-Rod is to be suspended. And Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

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So when will ‪#‎ARod‬ say he’s going to spend the rest of his life looking for the real PED users?

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The MLB players union expects that A-Rod’s appeal process will not be completed before the end of the season. Well, the way the Yankees are playing, at least this whole circus shouldn’t affect the playoffs.

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As the Biogenesis suspension list emerges….a question comes to mind, so are American-born players cleaner than those from the Dominican Republic? Or just smarter about their drugs?

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A study of the first six months of 2013 by researchers at George Mason University showed that President Obama was the most joked about politician on late night talk shows, figuring in 288 punch lines. Finally, a race Anthony Weiner can win!

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Dutch researchers created the world’s first lab-grown beef burger, cultured from cattle stem cells. Volunteers in a public taste test said it had the texture of meat but was short of flavor. Sounds like they’re already met Taco Bell standards.

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Major League Baseball has doing about as good a job avoiding leaks on these PED suspensions as the players did in keeping their connections with Biogenesis secret in the first place….

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2-3 lanes of the Bay Bridge between SF and Oakland were closed this morning, when a big rig carrying rice and raw fish for sushi caught fire on the bridge. Restaurant goers tonight might want to approach any “seared fish” special with caution.

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Averaging about a home run a week lately, the SF Giants may be taking trying to prove they’re a PED free ballclub a little too far….

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Jeff Bezos of Amazon is buying the Washington Post. So subscription rates may go up but shipping will be free.

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Okay, now really rooting for the Detroit Tigers or Texas Rangers to win it all. Because I would LOVE to see Bud Selig grit his teeth and present Jhonny Peralta or Nelson Cruz with the World Series MVP trophy….

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Slapped with a 211 game suspension, A-Rod is appealing and plans to play tonight. And the game tonight was televised on YES – the Yankees network. Can you say ratings gold? ‪#‎Therichgetricher‬

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A woman who is the current Miss Riverton, Utah, in the Miss America pageant was arrested and charged with making and throwing homemade bombs from a car. There goes her chance to win Miss Congeniality.

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A corporate jet ran off the runway and through a fence at the Eden Prairie airport Monday morning. Did the pilot have dreams of working for Asiana?

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Stay classy Sydney Leathers. After filming a hardcore porn sex scene posted online, Anthony Weiner’s sexting partner stated “‘I’m not prostituting myself… It’s important to look at your body in a positive way”

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Rex Ryan is asking NY Jets fans to give Mark Sanchez a break. And fans are going, “sure, an arm, a leg…?”.

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Alex Rodriguez says that the “the last seven months have been a nightmare, probably the worst time of my life.” Well, he has more than 100 million rea$on$ to try to go on….

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The silver lining in the story that Texas A & M QB  Johnny Manziel may have signed a contract to be paid for autographs.  At least we know there’s presumably a college football player who can read and write.

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Mark McGwire, on PED’sl: “I wish I was never a part of it. If it’s better to have bigger suspensions, then they’re going to have to change it.” Translation, “I’m no longer playing, I’ve got a job, f*ck ’em.”

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It’s just business.

August 5, 2013

Even if A-Rod is suspended today he is likely to appeal and actually plans to play Monday night. Where is Bob Gibson when you need him? Think this situation could be taken care of with one at-bat.

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Meanwhile, Joe ‪Girardi‬ says he has Alex Rodriguez “penciled” in for Monday’s start. And privately is he thinking “my kingdom for an eraser?”

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My friend Jeff Klein points out that if Nelson Cruz is suspended, the Rangers will probably call up…. Manny Ramirez?! I think I speak for comedy writers everywhere in thinking “Oh please, oh please….”

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Max Ball says  “Maybe Manny can come up and carry the Rangers to a world title and they can do a movie about it called “the Unnatural”

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While we’re doing “Manny” movies – how about “Field of Creams … (and Clears)?”

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Thomas Hurley III, an Connecticut 8th-grader, told a local paper he was cheated because he wrote “Emanciptation” Proclamation and lost $3000 of his winnings. (The winner had $66,600.) Can’t wait to see what happens when the kid doesn’t get into his first choice college.

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August 5, 2013, and the Kansas City Royals are ahead of the New York Yankees in the AL Wild Card race. No, it doesn’t mean much in early August, but I just like writing it.

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More off-field headlines for Johnny Manziel, as now ESPN reports that NCAA is allegedly investigating whether he was paid “a five-figure flat fee” for autographs in January. So congrats to all those who had August 4 in the pool.

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If the regular season ended today, neither the Yankees nor Mets would make the playoffs. And somewhere Bud Selig is saying “Is it too late to add a third or fourth wild card?”

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Already seeing some conservatives complaining that this supposed terror alert is fake and just a way to make the administration look good. And no doubt the complaints will get louder if nothing happens. (Of course, by calling the alert maybe it upset terrorist plans?) Nothing is certain, except that for some EVERYTHING President Obama does is wrong.

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