Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

How high can you go?

March 12, 2016

Now rumors might have both Mark Sanchez and Colin Kaepernick in Denver. Good thing for fans Colorado has legalized marijuana.

 

 

Colin Kaepernick now says he wants to play for the Cleveland Browns. Maybe because he figures he has an easy act to follow.

–

The Denver Broncos have signed Mark Sanchez. So now we get to learn something new – how high does a butt-fumble bounce at 5,280 feet?

–

RIP Keith Emerson, of Emerson Lake and Palmer.  It’s bad enough when musicians from your youth die. It’s even worse when you realize that they actually had gotten old.

–

New free agent ‪#‎RGIII‬ apparently visited ‪#‎NYJets‬. Well, & what better landing spot for a QB who was tired of too much media attention.

–

‪#‎UConn‬‪#‎Cincinnati‬ game went 4 OTs today. Wow. That’s more time than many of the players will ever spend in class. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

–

Now that Trump is actually getting closer to winning the GOP primary, isn’t it time to call for an investigation: pretty sure that furry thing that lives on his head wasn’t born in the U.S.

 

Caitlyn Jenner, on her support for Donald Trump: “He would be very good on women’s issues. Just because I’m a woman now doesn’t make me all of a sudden liberal.”
Well, of course not, she had gender-reassignment surgery, not a brain transplant.

–

Joe’s Crab Shack has apologized for using a picture of a crowd of white people watching a black man being hanged as a table decoration. Really, weren’t there easier ways for the restaurant to say they’d like to host a Trump rally?

–

A Chicago man, Dennis Nicholl, has been arrested for regularly riding the Red Line train with a cellphone jammer. Hmm, so how many millions of people will be joining the ‪#‎freeDennis‬ campaign?

–

Some major GOP criticism of President Obama for missing Nancy Reagan’s funeral. But Nancy herself went to Bess Truman’s funeral without her husband, And W. did not accompany Laura and Barbara Bush to Lady Bird’s funeral. ‪#‎Noissuetoosmall‬.

–

Marco Rubio says it’s okay if his supporters in Ohio vote for John Kasich, as the Governor of the winner-take-all state has the best chance there to stop Donald Trump. Well, good, that ought to get Kasich at least two or three more votes.

–

Ben Carson, in making his endorsement this morning, said “There are two Donald Trumps.” Great, besides the Donald’s narcissism and other issues,, America also now has to worry about a potential President with “Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

–

Bob Woodward asked Trump about Mexico paying for his proposed wall, “Trust me, Bob, when I rejuvenate our military, Mexico’s not going to be playing with us with war.”
Because the U.S. now spending as much as the next seven countries combined isn’t enough to scare them already?

 

Stocks ended today at a new 2016 high. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

–

After this week’s shooting of a pto-gun mom by her 4-year-old son, Neal suggests, “open carry preschool!”

–

And from Marc Ragovin  “Well it’s March Madness, or as it’s otherwise, known, a Donald Trump rally.”

(again, funnier if it weren’t true.)

 

Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

Shoot out at the OK preschool?

March 10, 2016

The Florida woman who was shot by her 4-year-old son apparently is still pro-gun, and her own mother dismisses the shooting as “an accident and nothing more.” Sounds like a good phrase for a tombstone.

 

 

Taco Bell has announced they are lowering some prices. Gosh, hope this doesn’t lead to their lowering the fine quality of their ingredients.

–

In California, the legislature passed a bill to raise the smoking age to 21. And most college students are shrugging – “It’s only tobacco.”

–

Regarding all this controversy over Kim Kardashian maybe being “slut-shamed” for her latest naked selfie: Look, I’m a feminist and think women should be proud of their bodies. But jeez, Kim, haven’t we seen enough of yours? ‪#‎boring‬

–

A rear admiral was fired after he admitted to investigators he spent nine hours in a ten day period aboard an assault ship looking at porn on a Defense Department computer. Nine hours out of ten days… and some are wondering, “Was he fired for not being man enough?”

(or stupid enough not to have a smart phone with an unlimited data plan.)

–

A major brawl broke out and was caught on video on a Spirit Airlines flight today when two women started playing music from a boom box and refused to turn it down.  While the women were detained by security at LAX no one was arrested.

Spirit Airlines did, however, reportedly charge other passengers on board an entertainment fee.

–

Alas, a koala at the Griffith Park zoo in Los Angeles was apparently eaten by a local mountain lion. Clearly the koala should have been armed.

–

In Kansas, GOP senators frustrated with the judicial system have passed a bill that would make “attempting to usurp the power” of the Legislature or the executive branch grounds for impeachment. So any judge who overturned legislation could be impeached. Forget spinning, James Madison is causing a tornado in his grave.

 

The Milwaukee Bucks’ O.J. Mayo broke his right ankle falling down stairs at home today and is done for the year. Making him luckier than Bucks’ season ticket holders.

–

OSU’s Urban Meyer has endorsed John Kasich. Well, if Kasich gets on the ticket there go the GOP’s chances in Michigan.

 

 

Barack Obama’s approval ratings are back up to 50%, the highest in 3 years. Guess it’s beginning to dawn on Americans that one of these people they are watching debate is actually going to be our next president. ‪#‎lookingbetterbycomparison‬

–

Ben Carson is going to endorse Donald Trump. Does that mean Trump might be able to pick up both Carson’s supporters?

 –

Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio are so united in their so-called hatred of government: so will they both sign a pledge saying if a natural disaster hits their states they won’t call in the evil feds?

–

Gave up on the GOP debate even for comedy research purposes to watch the Spurs game. Another reason to like San Antonio, they have so many “immigrant” players, they’d probably annoy the hell out of Trump.

–

Trump says he will put Ben Carson in charge of education. Uh, except that during this campaign the Dr. has if anything made people wonder how low the standards have gotten for medical school?

 

Is this year’s ‪#‎AmericanIdol‬ final season format designed to make sure we really don’t miss the show when it’s gone?

–

Trudeau-Obama press conference today in Washington. Two politicians together at lecterns who aren’t screaming at each other… Well, where’s the fun in that?

–

Now that Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau has visited the White House waiting for Trump to tell his supporters “Big deal, when I am in charge we’ll make Canada’s President show up.”

–

As a final change today  from the debate circus tents: “In a rapidly pivoting world, it becomes easy to become fearful. It becomes easy to turn in on ourselves. And we know from history that it’s much more important to turn outwards, and to draw out the best in each other. And to understand that whenever people get together, regardless of how different they may seem, there are always more things we have in common than that differentiate us.”
Justin Trudeau, today in D.C. Once again, ‪#‎canweborrowhim‬?

Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Big tents

March 9, 2016

This week is the World Clown Convention in Orlando. And next week is the Florida primary.  Coincidence?

 

Alec Baldwin, 57, has announced he and his wife are expecting a baby boy this fall, meaning they will have three children age 3 three and under. And well, if any dad can teach his kids how to throw a tantrum….

 

Social media is apparently at odds as to whether Bernie Sanders’ suit tonight was brown or blue. But presumably the confusion is absolutely Wall Street’s fault.

–

Pollsters in Michigan may be out of work after their miserable showing in the Democratic primary. On the other hand, many of them have been offered jobs running the numbers for Trump’s tax plan.

–

Apparently with Brock Osweiler going to the Texans, the Broncos are interested in Colin Kaepernick. Hmm, maybe Peyton Manning shouldn’t get too comfortable in retirement.

–

A pro-gun 31-year-old Florida mother was arguing on Facebook Monday saying “Even my 4 year old gets jacked up to target shoot with the .22”  Tuesday mom was in stable condition in the the hospital after the kid found the loaded gun in her car and shot mom while she was driving.  Is it fair to hope they don’t discharge her in time to vote in Tuesday’s primary?

#howdoyoustopagoodchildwithagun?

–

 

In central Florida, a second grade substitute teacher was arrested for being drunk in class. The principal first became suspicious because she didn’t know the day of the week. But really, in Florida, isn’t the day of the week a fourth or fifth grade lesson?

–

If ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ really wanted to help ‪#‎TedCruz‬ she’d sign up in California to help run ‪#‎Trump‬ campaign.

–

Here’s a”cheer up it could be worse” item for passengers who feel squeezed on United Airlines 777 planes in coach. The airline is planning to change their domestic 777’s from 9-across seating, to 10-across seating. So yes, it could, and will be worse.

 

At Paris-CDG Airport a woman was arrested after she apparently had sneaked a child onto a flight from Istanbul in a carry-on bag. And a whole lot of airlines got a new idea for a new really no-frills fare. ‪#‎carryonseating‬

–

Interesting note, Michigan has open primaries. So wonder which number was higher – Republicans voting for Bernie to cause trouble for the Democrats, or Dems voting for Trump to try to screw the GOP?

–

At least Marco Rubio accomplished something with his personal insults against Trump – “My kids were embarrassed by it.” That’s impressive. Two of his children aren’t even teenagers yet.

 

Under the guise of protecting women, Florida just passed a massively restrictive bill to limit abortion, which requires providers to meet very strict medical standards, even when the “abortion” is morning-after pills. But if we really want Florida women to rise up in anger, maybe someone should demand similar restrictions also apply to clinics doing, for starters, liposuction and botox…..

 

 

And we thought ‪#‎PAC12‬ football got hosed with TV: :‪#‎Pac12Hoops‬ tournament has 1st 3 days with games at 1145pm EST & finals at 1015p Saturday.

–

From Marc Ragovin “I’m not saying the NY Knicks are on their last legs, but Phil Jackson just said they are throwing all of their stock in Florida next Tuesday.”

Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

And the hits just keep on coming.

March 8, 2016

Michael Kopech, one of the Red Sox’s top pitching prospects, managed to fracture his right hand during an “altercation” with his roommate last week. Good thing Kopech didn’t get into a fight with Sandoval. Had the Panda sat on Kopech it might have killed him.

–

 

Former MLB star Paul O’Neill endorsed Donald ‪#‎Trump‬. So how many times did O’Neill run into those outfield walls?

–

So DWTS has announced their latest cast of wannabes and has-beens for this season, and wait….Doug Flutie? Okay, what time is that show on? ‪#‎adorable‬

–

The Colts resigned Adam Vinatieri for 2016. Not sure how this fits with Indianapolis’s cap room, but at least the team knows his medical bills will be covered under Medicare.

–

California had more pedestrian deaths than any other state in the first half of 2015. Just guessing we probably lead the nation in cellphones too.

–

The GOP has spent years trying to teach Americans that science and math don’t matter. So should the party be surprised that their voters are picking a candidate whose numbers don’t add up?

–

Bernie and Hillary did a Fox News town hall Monday night. Why? To prove they weren’t afraid of the network? Or in hopes of luring viewers with the message “You might disagree with us but we’re not batsh*t crazy.”?

–

Michelle Obama will be attending Nancy Reagan’s funeral. Waiting for the first Republican to tell us why this is wrong.

–

The National Republican Senatorial Committee sent out a tweet against Rep. Tammy Duckworth, who is running for Illinois Senate: “Tammy Duckworth has a sad record of not standing up for our veterans.”
Uh, Rep. Duckworth lost both her legs in the Iraq War. ‪#‎stayclassy‬

–

#‎HillaryClinton‬ has won the ‪#‎Mississippi‬ primary. So she can count on the votes of both Mississippi Democrats in November.

–

Headline – “Trump’s ex-wife to appear on ‪#‎DWTS‬.” Which one?

–

Marco Rubio is accusing Ted Cruz’s campaign of spreading the rumors that Rubio is dropping out of the Presidential race. This after Cruz’s campaign allegedly did the same thing to Ben Carson in Iowa. And Ted is the guy the GOP thinks is an improvement over Trump?

 

Neil Bush announced he has joined Sen. Ted Cruz’s national finance team. The question, how many months ago did he decide to do that? ‪#‎poorJeb‬!

–

His doctor says President Obama has lost five pounds in the last two years. Amazing how that works when you don’t have to go place like Iowa state fairs for the primaries.

–

Nancy Reagan will be buried next to Ronnie. At least if there isn’t enough of an underground tornado there to prevent it. ‪#‎thoushallnotsayillofotherRepublicans‬ ‪#‎spinninginhisgrave‬

 

Meanwhile, who needs CNN and the primaries, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are back on television with ‪#‎KrukandKuip‬. All is right with the world.

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments: 4 Comments

Speaking out

March 8, 2016

Pittsburgh’s DeAngelo Williams called out Peyton Manning as a “hall of fame QB who couldn’t play dead in a western last year.” Yeah, well that’s just piling on after the Steelers eliminated the Broncos from the playoffs last year. Oh wait, never mind.

–

The Supreme Court today UNANIMOUSLY today reversed an Alabama court’s refusal to recognize a same-sex adoption. Yes, even Thomas and Alito agreed. Maybe we are creeping into the 21st century after all..

–

Erin Andrews won $55 million in her lawsuit over being videotaped nude in her hotel room. And the Kardashians are thinking “We’d have allowed it for half that.”

–

Bette Middler might have won the internet today: “Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.”

–

Atlanta Falcons assistant coach Marquand Manuel has apologized for asking OSU cornerback Eli Apple if he was gay. So is he sorry for the question, or sorry that it leaked out?

 

A United Airlines flight from Houston to Munich had to return to Intercontinental Airport with smoke billowing from one engine after they hit a bird during takeoff. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.

–

Maria Sharapova apparently failed a drug test at the Australian Open. The substance is one she has been taking for years, but was on a list of drugs that were banned starting January 1. Sharapova acknowledged getting the email but said she didn’t read it….
Creative excuses isn’t one area we really wanted women athletes to start equaling men.

(And okay,  if it’s a lie it’s a stupid one, if she didn’t read the list and didn’t have someone on her staff read it well, well, that’s more stupid.)

 

 

Six UC Santa Cruz fraternity and sorority members were arrested and charged with being part of an organized Ecstasy drug ring. Well, that’s one way to deal with high tuition costs.

–

Some talk now about how much a loss in the Florida Primary would hurt Marco Rubio. Well, not as much as his own campaigning has hurt him.

–

32 pts in 1st half for ‪#‎Spurs‬ tonight in Indiana against the ‪#‎Pacers‬. That Sunday  ‪#‎Lakers‬ game might have not been the best for San Antonio’s usual inspiration from watching the Golden State #Warriors.

–

Michael Bloomberg says he will not run for President. Has he finally figured out that the seat for the egotistical New York billionaire in the clown car is full?

–

Meanwhile in South Florida, the Sun-Sentinel says there is no good candidate in the GOP primary and will not endorse. This includes the man they endorsed when he ran for Senate “Because Rubio has failed to do his job as a senator, broken the promises he made to Floridians and backed away from his lone signature piece of legislation on immigration, we cannot endorse him for president.”
Not even to get him out of Florida?

Categories: airline jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Happy -hoppy – endings?

March 7, 2016

Peyton Manning apparently will announce his retirement Monday. Presumably from outside a Papa John’s store with a case of Budweiser?

–

Forget Megyn Kelly. If we really want to make the men behave could Lady Mary or Dowager Countess moderate next ‪#‎GOPDebate‬? ‪#‎DowntonAbbey‬

–

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are. promising an issue-filled debate tonight. And millions of Americans are thinking “where’s the fun in that

 

#‎Bernie‬ and ‪#‎Hillary‬ actually got a little contentious in tonight’s debate.  GOP watchers were thinking “Wimps, where are the real insults, where are the  d*ck jokes?”

–

Bernie Sanders’  best line of the debate was talking about increasing mental health funding “and if you saw last week’s GOP debate, you know we need it.”

 

 

 

So when ‪#‎JustinTrudeau‬ gets done with being Canada’s Prime Minister can we borrow him?

–

 

Love at 1st sight or at least 1st inning for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans:  Jeff Samardzija strikes out Crawford, Pederson and Puig

 

Was at a party this afternoon and afterwards checked online to see how by much the ‪#‎Warriors‬ beat the ‪#‎Lakers‬  and ‪#‎WTF?

 

Today, was actually the first time an NBA team wore equipment to honor a live and active player, the Lakers wore special socks Bryant-themed socks with No. 2 on the right sock and No. 4 on the left.

–

Somewhere the Yankees and Derek Jeter are going “why didn’t we think of something like that”?

–

Reports are that Gregg ‪#‎Popovich‬ is looking into ordering a really big box of ‪#‎KobeBryant‬ socks ‪#‎Warriors‬ ‪#‎Spurs‬ ‪#‎NBAplayoffs‬

–

RIP Nancy Reagan. Wonder if it was all these candidates hijacking her husband’s party that killed her. ‪#‎whoknewReaganwouldlookmoderate‬?

–

Increasingly looking like the real ‪#‎Florida‬ joke is ‪#‎MarcoRubio‬ ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

–

Give ‪#‎Trump‬ credit, his promises may be empty where most of the country is concerned. But he sure has helped make ‪#‎SNL‬ great again.

–

United’s CEO Oscar Munoz is returning to work after an October heart attack and surgery – a medical leave of five months. Curiously enough, that’s about the same amount of time the airline thinks is reasonable to find your luggage.

 

–

John Kasich has fired his campaign’s deputy digital director Blake Waggoner after it was reported he was arrested in Nov. 2015 after a woman accused him of choking her and punching her in the back. Sounds like the only adult in the GOP room hasn’t been paying enough attention to what his kids were doing.

 

Caityn Jenner, complaining about Hillary Clinton: “She couldn’t care less about women. She cares about herself.” So did Jenner make the comments while she was volunteering at something? No, on her reality show “I am Cait.”

–

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg –  “Astronaut Scott Kelley returned after a year in space to find Madonna on tour, a Clinton running for president and the police testing OJ Simpson’s knife and he said;

“Stop screwing around. What year is it really?”

–

Categories: debate jokes, football jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

The rest of our lives.

March 6, 2016

The Spurs won tonight against the Kings despite having three of their starters out. Had San Antonio only rested all five starters Sacramento might have had a chance.

–

Rutgers’ men’s basketball team just snapped a 32 game Big Ten losing streak. So Chris Christie can no longer take pride in being only the second most embarrassing thing in New Jersey.

–

 

Really? It’s a big deal for many media pundits because Ted Cruz scored a victory over Donald Trump in Maine? 8,550 to 6,070. Yes, that total is less than the number of people who bought tickets to today’s Cubs spring training game.

–

 

The Chicago Cubs drew 15,446 to a spring training game Friday. That would have been a good weekend series draw for the Expos.   (or a good midweek series for the #SFGiants at Candlestick.)

–

LSU freshman star Ben Simmons has “not been certified by the school” to be eligible for the John Wooden award given to the NCAA’s best men’s basketball player. So is Simmons starting a new trend – “one-half and done?

–

A 27-year-old man was arrested for allegedly having sex with a 16-year-old-girl in the lavatory of a Delta flight from Phoenix to Salt Lake City last week..Really? Who has time to even get up to go to the bathroom on a 500 mile flight?

–

Mike Ditka said that Barack Obama is the worst president ever. Ever?! Well, add another to the football list for CTE.

–

In an interview with a British newspaper, Mark Hamill, says that Luke Skywalker, “could be gay.” Clearly this is Obama’s fault.

–

Okay, how bad have things gotten when ‪#‎TedCruz‬ is seen as a less scary alternative? ‪#‎SuperSaturday‬

–

Apparently Caila Quinn, who was eliminated from the “Bachelor” after fantasy suite dates, will be the next “Bachelorette.” What’s really scary? There are probably more Americans paying close attention to that decision than they are about their primary vote for President.

 

Louis C.K just compared voting for Donald Trump to smoking crack. Great. Give millions more Americans seeking a cheap high a reason to vote for Trump.

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments: Be the first to comment

Name calling

March 5, 2016

So what are we going to title the next few weeks of the ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬? Since ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ is already taken.

–

Now Marco Rubio says that Donald Trump is the “most vulgar person ever to aspire to the Presidency.” What’s next, a rousing chorus of “I see London, I see France, I see someone’s underpants?”

 

Astronaut Scott Kelly says he grew two inches in space and now he can’t sink a basketball shot. Hmm, so is this the explanation for big men like Shaq and DeAndre Jordan and free throws? They’re really from a different planet?

–

Ah for the good old days when ‪#‎votefortheworst‬ just mean you ended up with a lousy winner on ‪#‎AmericanIdol‬ ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

 

Saw a headline that “Wall Street is about to go after Trump big time.” Oh this billionaire on billionaire violence….

–

In a reality TV world should we be surprised that being the only adult in the room is not necessarily a way to win the audience?

–

Ravens LB Terrell Suggs was arrested this morning in Arizona and charged with leaving the scene of an accident and driving with a suspended license. Then he tweeted out “MooD:…….Driving with a suspended license! Street Cred= 100,000 Trillion. My bad.”
‪#‎stayclassy‬ ‪#‎rolemodels‬ ‪#‎NFL‬

 

So the Atlanta Falcons have apologized after Ohio State’s Eli Apple reported that during the NFL combine he was asked if he “liked men.” Waiting for the first team to apologize for asking players if they think their mom is hot. ‪#‎nottheOnion‬ ‪#‎stayclassy‬

 

Ben Carson has dropped out of the Presidential race. Saying “I did the math. I looked at the delegate counts … and I realized it simply wasn’t going to happen.” Well, there’s his first problem, trying to be a GOP candidate who believes in math.

 

After becoming the butt of Twitter jokes, Whole Foods has pulled pre-peeled oranges from their shelves. Thereby probably really upsetting the same millennials who don’t eat cereal with milk because it’s too much work.

–

If we are going to have all this nastiness in ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬ can we at least get competence and draft ‪#‎FrankUnderwood‬? ‪#‎HouseofCards‬

Amazing. Southwest can turn a flight around in about 15 minutes. United can’t turn a domestic flight around in less than an hour. ‪#‎apassionformediocrity‬

Categories: airline jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Going to not-so-great lengths

March 3, 2016

Peyton Manning, in a speech last night at the Florida Forum “Many of you have probably heard that I have a significant announcement to make, so I thought I’d go ahead and make it with all of you here tonight. Papa John’s is offering 50 percent off tonight through Friday.”
Someday Manning may have the only funeral where they hand out pizza coupons.

–

South Africa’s highest court has dismissed Oscar Pistorius’s appeal against his murder conviction, so he could be facing a minimum 15-year jail sentence. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

–

 

Anyone who thought the GOP campaign couldn’t go any lower? I think this CNN headline might mean we just hit bottom.”Donald Trump defends size of his penis.”

–

John Kasich isn’t someone I would vote for, but I still think he’s a capable human being.  Watching him on the margins of the GOP debate recalls an anecdote about Adlai Stevenson in the 1956 presidential campaign:   A woman called out “Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!” Stevenson called back “That’s not enough, madam, we need a majority!”

–

So if the GOP is really serious about stopping Trump, it should be noted that in Alaska the Donald got Sarah Palin’s endorsement. And the winner was Ted Cruz. ‪#‎coincidence‬?

–

Now Mitt Romney apparently is focused mostly on keeping Trump from having 1,237 delegates, the number he needs to secure the nomination, so that the GOP can block the Donald at the convention.
Well, this ought to do wonders for convincing potential Trump voters that the establishment isn’t rigged against them..

–

Mitt Romney just attacked Donald Trump for dishonesty and pointed to Trump’s “greed,” “showing off”, and “misogyny,” Hey wait, aren’t those real GOP values?

–

Mitt Romney called Donald Trump a “phony” and a “fraud” who would hand the election to the Dems in November. So which Mitt was talking? The moderate governor of Mass., or the “severe conservative” who ran in 2012?

–

An Australian writer, Helen Garner, got what she thought was a spam email with “good news” and saying somewhat at Yale needed her phone number. It turned out to be real; she had won a $150,000 writing prize.
And a whole lot of spammers just got a new idea.

–

Scott Kelly grew two inches while he was in space. And wonder how many men are telling women, “Well, I used to be an astronaut.”

–

Jim Harbaugh and Tennessee coach Butch Jones are now in a Twitter battle, where Jones went after Michigan for practicing in Florida, and Harbaugh told him to “focus on his own program.”
So how can we get a game between the Wolverines and Volunteers? ‪#‎ratings‬ ‪#‎whatsyourdeal‬?

–

LeBron James is getting some criticism for working out with Dwayne Wade during a couple off-days, especially as the Heat also are probably a playoff team. But really, who expects Miami to be around long enough in the postseason for it to matter?

–

–

Jeb Bush is trying to make a difference and redeem his status within the GOP. So if he’s really serious can Jeb endorse Trump?

 

Has someone told the ‪#‎Thunder‬ that hockey has three periods, basketball has four quarters? ‪#‎Warriors‬ ‪#‎NBA‬

Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Cover story

March 2, 2016

Since no one else seems to be able to stop the Warriors,   Sports Illustrated will take a shot at it by putting Golden State on the cover.

 

Miley Cyrus called Donald Trump a ‘nightmare” and says she may move out of the country if he gets elected. Uh oh. Let’s hope Justin Bieber or the Kardashians don’t get the same idea or Trump could become unstoppable.

–

Donald Trump’s tweet, after Nikki Haley endorsed Marco Rubio – “The people of South Carolina are embarrassed by Nikki Haley,” Haley’s response “Bless your heart.”
For the uninitiated, “Bless your heart,” is Southern for “f*ck you.”

–

Sports Authority has filed for bankruptcy. So will the Denver Broncos now play in Chapter 11 Stadium?

(my friend Rick D. suggests ‘Secured Creditors Field.”)

 

–

As we approach March Madness, Stanford’s men’s basketball team has been doing better of late. Are they poised to defend their NIT title?

–

Donald Trump started with stupid and childish insults about Marco Rubio, who fired back on the same level, but it’s just Rubio who seems to be taking a it in the polls. George Bernard Shaw was right – “I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”

–

Ben Carson says he will skip the next GOP debate. Shocking people who didn’t even realize he was in the last one.

–

Ben Carson now admits he has “no path” to the Republican nomination, but won’t formally quit the Presidential race. “Attaboy” said Brett Favre.

 

–

So when can we tune in to hear ‪#‎SteveHarvey‬ talk about ‪#‎MarcoRubio‬‘s great ‪#‎SuperTuesday‬ victories?

–

#‎PaulRyan‬ says “absolutely no interest” in becoming ‪#‎GOP‬ nominee at a brokered convention. But he had no interest in being Speaker either.

–

 

Mitt Romney says he will speak Thursday “on the state of the Presidential Race.” Well, and if anyone should be an expert on how the GOP establishment can blow an election campaign….

–

Hard to believe now but some once thought the most politically damaging bromance involving Chris Christie was his 2012 embrace of Barack Obama.

–

 

In South Carolina, a woman who had taught for 13 years had her phone swiped by a 16-year-old-student, who found a nude Valentine’s Day picture she had taken for her husband, The kid then shared the photo with social media and texts. And the TEACHER was offered the choice to resign or go through a dismissal process. Hmm, maybe it is time for teachers to be armed

–

The Oklahoma City Thunder blew a 17 pt lead against the Clippers in the 4th quarter. Last time fans in Los Angeles saw such a fast late meltdown,  the Dodgers bullpen was involved.

–

A Washington  man who’d been taking selfies all day with his gun accidentally finally ended up fatally shooting himself.  Your move, Florida. #cantfixstupidbutyoucanburyit

–

Curt Schilling just said that Hillary Clinton should be “buried under a jail somewhere” over her emails on private servers. Right, wonder what he would have said had Clinton been sued by a state for fraud over a $75 million business loan guarantee that ended up costing said state almost $100 million….

–

Groaner of the day from Marc Ragovin “The Mets’ Noah Syndergaard and Yoenis Cespedes rode around the team’s training complex the other day on two horses from Cespedes’ s ranch. Proving that these two have come a long way from their days in the Pony League.”

Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Stupor Tuesday

March 1, 2016

 

What does it say about ‪#‎MarcoRubio‬ that today in ‪#‎Oklahoma‬ he can’t even beat the guy who spells it ‪#‎Oaklahoma‬? ‪#‎SuperTuesday‬

–

So do Texans actually still like ‪#‎TedCruz‬. Or do they want to keep him on the campaign trail and out of the state? ‪#‎SuperTuesday‬

–

 

Donald Trump when asked about his plan to deport all illegal immigrants and if it might be modified – “At this moment, absolutely not.” Uh, anytime you qualify any statement with “at this moment….”

 

Chris Christie standing next to Donald Trump tonight looked about as happy to be there as most wronged wives do when they stand by their man during a press conference.

–

Six New Jersey newspapers have called on Governor Chris Christie to resign. Hope none of their editors have to take bridges to get to work.

–

Ted Cruz says he is not interested in being anyone’s running mate this November. As if anyone in the GOP could stand running with him.

–

Whole Foods has recalled Maytag raw milk blue cheese over fears of possible listeria contamination. Fortunately this won’t matter to the 95% of Americans who can’t afford to shop there.

–

The Christian Post has come out and urged their readers not to vote for Donald Trump. Hah, joke’s on them. As if most of the Donald’s supporters actually read.

–

Paul Ryan is the latest Republican to denounce Trump’s not denouncing David Duke, adding “This party does not prey on people’s prejudices,” And Ryan said that last with a straight face.

–

At spring training in Florida, Yoenis Cespedes apparently bought a prizewinning 270 pound hog for $7,000. Must.Not.Make.Pablo.Sandoval.Jokes.

–

So we all expected when the Washington Redskins put a franchise tag on a QB it would be Kirk Cousins?!

 

–

United Airlines is touting how their Mileage Plus program was named the top Frequent Flier program in a recent survey. Isn’t that like being the leading GOP primary vote-getter in 2016. ‪#‎damningbyfaintpraise‬

–

MLB has suspended Yankees closer Aroldis Chapman has been suspended 30 games under their new domestic violence policy. Right about now Chapman has to be regretting his decision – to play baseball instead of football.

–

Ivy League schools will eliminate tackling during football practices. They hope this will both limit players’ chance of brain injury and also prepare them to be drafted by the New Orleans Saints.

 

 

 

 

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

And the winner is….

March 1, 2016

Oscar ratings were at an 8-year low. So was that due to the ‪#‎oscarssowhite‬ boycott, or the fact that most Americans didn’t care about most of the movies.

–

 

One reason the Bachelor is now such a guilty pleasure. How often these days do you get to watch a serious train wreck, without having to worry that the “winner” will be the leader of the free world?

–

Joe Scarborough, on Donald Trump’s not definitely denouncing David Duke “So is this how the party of Abraham Lincoln dies?” Can just imagine Trump’s reply – “Hey, I wouldn’t definitely denounce Abraham Lincoln either.”

 

A Ryanair flight from London to Bratislava diverted to Berlin after some men in a bachelor party “misbehaved so badly.” and one man apparently got naked. Now, had it been a bachelorette party Ryanair would probably have charged an entertainment fee.

 

–

A Google self-driving car hit a bus in Mountain View, CA. No fault has been determined yet, but hope the car wasn’t texting at the time.

–

 

As if the Cubs being favored to win the World Series wasn’t enough of a sign of the apocalypse, now Justice Clarence Thomas has asked a question during oral arguments.

–

 

Donald Trump is now saying a “lousy earpiece” is the reason he didn’t disavow former KKK leader David Duke yesterday. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

 

J.C. Penney is apparently staging a turnaround and both their sales and stock are up. Of course, they were so far down before guessing most Millennials think they’re a brand new company.

–

 

Hotel resort fees are a joke. But this one from a condo company in Hawaii might be a new low – the $10 a day includes “entry gate electronic card for access to the resort premises” Didn’t that used to be called a key?

–

 

A NY federal judge has ruled in a drug case that Apple doesn’t have to unlock an iPhone at the government’s request. These issues are complicated, but got to love the usually pro-business conservatives on the side of the feds, while many normally pro-government liberals are backing Apple.

–

A fundraising request today said “I’m sorry we keep emailing you.” Uh, well then there’s a simple solution – STOP EMAILING.  ‪#‎notsosorry‬

–

Watching the GOP primaries and thinking I’m so old I remember when the Democrats were the ones tearing their party apart with craziness.

–

After Sarah Palin etc started really going after the media and politics as usual, can’t help but think that for many Trump supporters, the attacks from both the media and other politicians just make them like him more. ‪#‎lawofunintendedconsequences‬

 

–

Donald Trump today rolled out endorsements from NASCAR stars. Well, of course, drivers are rich men who will benefit from Trump’s tax plan.

–

John Kasich, on the current name-calling competition between Rubio and Trump. “I would rather not win than lower the bar.” Spoken like a man who learned his limbo limits in college. ‪#‎howlowcanyougo‬?

 

 

 

From T.C.  in response to my comment about ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ being snubbed at the Oscars for his role in acting like a potential serious world leader.

“What bout Pill Cosby for Best Actor in a Courtroom Drama? (…and …. he’s Black!)”

Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Fuzzy math

February 29, 2016

Why numbers can lie., or at least be deceptive: The movie that won the most ‪#‎Oscars‬ tonight was ‪#‎MadMaxFuryRoad‬

–

But it was all very confusing.  Jennifer Garner described  Mad Max Fury road as the Best Picture nominee where “civilization has collapsed & the world has become a toxic wasteland.”  Shouldn’t that have been “The Big Short?”

–

Forget the election, tonight with the Oscars the scariest thing in Hollywood for many was  ‪#‎ChrisRock‬ will say about them.   ‪#‎OscarsSoWhite

–

 

Baltimore Orioles CF Adam Jones says the team has banned smashing pies in teammates’ faces for celebrations, saying it’s for safety reasons. ‪#‎whenpiesareoutlawedonlyoutlawswillhavepies‬

–

 

After that climate change speech who will be the  1st ‪#‎GOP‬ presidential candidate to say ‪#‎LeonardoDiCaprio‬ should have been eaten by that bear?

–

So the woman who wins for best costume design shows up looking like she overslept and ran out the door with first thing she found? ‪#‎Oscars‬

–

Alicia Vikander, nominated for Best Supporting Actress, said on the Oscars red carpet that she “hopes she doesn’t get too drunk.” Does Alicia think she’s at the Golden Globes. Or did she bring a flask?

–

In Florida, three 12 year-old girls were arrested and taken into custody for allegedly putting pepper flakes their teacher’s soda. They face FELONY poisoning charges. ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬

–

Meg Whitman just  called Donald Trump “unfit to be president,” and a “dangerous demagogue.” Expecting Trump to come out with variations on his Carly Fiorina slams in 3.2.1….

–

NY Senator Chuck Schumer is adding an amendment to the FAA Reauthorization Bill, which would mandate minimum airline seat size. Not sure what the Presidential candidates will say, pretty sure it’s been a while since most of them have been on a commercial jet.

–

Biggest snub of the night: Not even an ‪#‎Oscars‬ nomination for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ for his role in acting like a potential serious world leader.

–

Two days ago Nikki Haley said she’d support Trump if he is the nominee, today she told George Stephanopoulos, “Donald Trump is everything we hear and teach our kids not to do in kindergarten.”
If this keeps up the Dems won’t have to write any of their general election campaign commercials.

 

 

So not sure what’s scarier with Trump. The idea that he didn’t know who David Duke was? Or the idea that he does know, and doesn’t want to lose a single Duke/KKK supporter?

 

From Ben , after the GOP’s latest slug fest Thursday:   “Tonight we saw another spirited debate between the most diverse and well-qualified group of presidential candidates in history.” — Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee
Apparently, Reince has no problems with legalized marijuana.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Out of range?

February 28, 2016

 

So will Stephen Curry someday be responsible for the ‪#‎NBA‬ three-point line being moved back to half court?

–

The Golden State Warriors clinched a playoff berth tonight. But really, didn’t we know about 12 of the 16 playoff teams about a month into the season?

–

–

Jim ‪#‎Harbaugh‬ will be 1st base coach for ‪#‎Tigers‬ during spring training. Has someone told ‪#‎Michigan‬ football coach you don’t tackle runners?

–

The Uber driver who is the alleged Kalamazoo killer has been married for 21 years. Yesterday his wife filed for divorce, citing “breakdown in the marriage.” ‪#‎understatementoftheyear‬?

 

One rumor is that Jon Stewart quit the Daily Show because he was tired of the “same old same old” with politics… ‪#‎2016notexactly‬

–

Donald Trump says if elected President he will “open up our libel laws’’ and make the media pay a hefty price for writing “hit’’ pieces. Yep, just another Republican who skipped to the 2nd amendment without reading the 1st.

–

Warren Buffet today says the U.S. economy is in better shape than the presidential candidates make it seem. Waiting for Trump to chime in with “what does he know?”

–

Several media outlets are speculating that the only chance for establishment Republicans to stop a Trump win will be the March 15 primary in Florida; And somewhere Al Gore is just giggling.

–

And okay, regardless of party.  Does anyone really think that if there was anything incendiary in Hillary Clinton’s paid speeches they wouldn’t have been leaked by now?

–

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton wins  ‪#‎SouthCarolina‬. And another state slips back into irrelevancy for four years.

–

Hard to believe for young people but there was a time that “moderate Republican” was not an oxymoron.‬

–

Joe Biden today talking about meeting Jerry Brown in 1974 and now as Governor. Says his children and grandchildren are looking forward to voting for Jerry in 2030. (So at that point will Tim Duncan be relegated to a few minutes  coming off the bench?)

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments: 3 Comments

Countdown.

February 27, 2016

The NFL is apparently looking into shortening the preseason to three games. Well, that would only be about two games too long.

–

 

The University of Tennessee has offered football scholarships to 20 students from IMG Academy, a Florida boarding school. So what does this academy do to have their athletes so prepared for college – offer all fake classes?

–

The ACC says it will not suspend Duke star guard Grayson Allen for tripping an FSU player yesterday, the second time Allen was seen apparently deliberately tipping an opponent. No reason given but it should be obvious – he’s from Duke.

 

A 20 year old woman in England has been hospitalized with Toxic Shock Syndrome after forgetting to remove a tampon for nine days. Okay, sounds horrible, but that’s not Toxic Shock Syndrome, that’s Toxic Stupid Syndrome.

–

#‎DonaldTrump‬ and ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬ together – Talk about a bully pulpit.

–

If it’s a Trump-Christie ticket  on the GOP side, will our proposed new U.S. slogan be “carry a big stick and shout at the top of your lungs.

–

Chris Christie is certainly Machiavellian enough…. any chance he endorsed ‪#‎Trump‬ in hopes of a cabinet position offer from Hillary?

–

Chris Christie “There is no better fighter than Donald Trump. So did the N.J. Governor think he was endorsing Trump for the Presidency of the WBC?

–

One of Donald Trump’s latest tweets “Wow. Every poll said I won the debate last night. Great honer.” Wonder if the Donald’s spell checker is from Oaklahoma?

(my friend Christopher Green says, well, the B and the H are close together on the keyboard, maybe his hand slipped.)

–

This quote from Lindsey Graham has gone viral recently. “If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you.” Hmm, maybe that’s who Trump was talking about shooting on Fifth Avenue.

 

·

‪#‎LindseyGraham‬ says the ‪#‎GOP‬ has gone “batshit” crazy. Prompting calls for an apology. From bats.

–

 

Tax experts say it’s unlikely that Donald Trump has really been audited personally 12 years in a row, but that he’s likely referring to himself and the companies he owns or owns part of. So I get it, when it comes to audits, Trump and his companies are the same thing. When it’s bankruptcies…..

 

–

Bernie Sanders may not do big fancy fundraisers, but his campaign sends more emails than a flock of Nigerian princes. At least two-three a day… and I never signed up to support him.

 

 

Well, just in case you had a bright idea to beat traffic to Chavez Ravine: this tweet from Andy McCullough at the LA TImes “The Dodgers have told Yasiel Puig he can not, theoretically, fly a helicopter to Dodger Stadium. Federal law prohibits it, the FAA says.”
Guess we need to standby for another year of Puigy being Puigy.

Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Sliders

February 25, 2016

 

Major League Baseball has changed the rules this year to say runners must make a “bona fide” slide at second base. Chase Utley’s response – “It will definitely help keep guys healthy for sure.” Well, if Utley starts obeying the rule it will certainly keep opposing pitchers from throwing at his head….

–

#‎MLB‬ will limit mound visits this year to 30 seconds. Well how will players be able to decide on good wedding gifts? ‪#‎Candlesticks‬

–

Dexter Fowler, who turned down a 1-year $15.8 million qualifying offer with the Cubs, just ended up signing to return to Chicago for $8 million. And then I presume Fowler fired his agent.

–

ESPN has named Albert Pujols’ contract with the Angels as the worst in MLB for 2016. Hmm, is this a challenge for Pablo Sandoval?

–

Supermodel Chrissy Teigen published a cookbook (what, super models eat?) that included a picture of her dog wearing a collar with Teigen’s personal cellphone number on it. So Chrissy had to change her number.
Well, that ought to do wonders to dispel the image of dumb blondes.

–

Spelling, another commie-pinko liberal concept:  oklahoma

 

One good thing about tonight’s  ‪#‎GOPDebate‬, easy to listen from the kitchen while cooking dinner without turning up the sound. ‪#‎nonstopshouting‬

 

 

The latest GOP debate knocked the latest mass shootings, in Kansas, right out of the top headline. Once again, just imagine the ratings these debates would get ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬

–

Carnival Cruise Lines is now selling a prepaid drink package that includes wine and spirits up to $50 per serving. With all due respect, if you drink stuff that is that high-end, just guessing you won’t be on Carnival.

–

Emily Maynard won “the Bachelor,” and then after breaking up with the guy, became “the Bachelorette” got engaged again and broke up with him too. Now married to someone she didn’t meet on TV, Maynard has written a book “I said Yes”, because she thinks God “gave me the platform to help grow his kingdom.”
And God is thinking “What, it’s not enough that I’m getting blamed for Ted Cruz….”

–

Former Mexico President Vincente Fox on Trump’s plans: “I declare, I’m not going to pay for that f—–g wall.” Well, if the Donald is elected, how long before Canadian PM Justin Trudeau decides they’ll pay for a wall to keep Americans out?

–

In response to protests from anti-abortion activists Lands’ End has pulled an interview with Gloria Steinem from their website – the feature wasn’t about abortion, but was rather part of a series on “individuals who have made a difference in both their respective industries and the world at large.”
Well, there’s one company to take permanently off my shopping list.

–

 

Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Tenth time is the charm?

February 25, 2016

–

New Cleveland coach Hue Jackson says the Browns are “going to take a stand’ with Johnny Manziel. Right. Of course their previous stands have worked about as well as Custer’s last one.

–

President Obama has nominated Carla Hayden as the Librarian of Congress. The GOP would announce plans for an immediate filibuster once they get over the shock of finding Congress HAS a library.

–

Kanye West is now threatening to boycott next years Grammy Awards. All together now – “Promise???!!!”

–

Donald Trump, “I love the poorly educated.” Or as he also refers to them “My base.”

–

Marco Rubio today ” You don’t win the nomination by how many states you win.” Clearly another Republican who thinks math is one of those commie pinko liberal concepts.

–

Marco Rubio keeps declaring victory with these second place finishes. In related news, the Minnesota Vikings are going to put up Super Bowl banners.

–

 

Responding to social media rumors of a setback in his recovery, Tiger Woods says he is “progressing nicely.” Isn’t that what Jeb Bush said last week about his campaign?

–

Rumors have it that Obama is considering Nevada’s GOP governor Brian Sandoval to succeed Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court. If true, a reminder that whatever you think of this President, you don’t want to play chess with him.

–

Got to love the fact that the man leading for the Presidential “family values” party has had numerous affairs and three wives. ‪#‎Trump‬

–

Two British members of parliament have sent a letter to the NFL as they are upset about the Redskins name, and saying it directly contravenes the values that many in Britain have worked so hard to instill.” They ask “at a minimum, send a different team to our country to represent the sport, one that does not promote a racial slur.”
So are the MPs really taking a high road here? Or do they want the NFL not to send over another sucky football team?

–

It took “about $100,000” in legal fees, but Bristol Palin’s first baby daddy Levi Johnston finally won shared custody of their son Tripp. Because of course all children are better off with a mommy and daddy unless you don’t want to see the guy again. ‪#‎familyvaluesmyass‬

–

As of today British Airways will no longer accept bookings for unaccompanied minors, children under 12. Guess they got tired of dealing with badly behaved kids. Now if they can just figure out a way not to allow bookings for badly behaved adults

-.

Really, Facebook? With all the complications in the world these days you have to change the “like” buttons without warning? Life is so confusing.

–

Wow. The latest out of the University of Tennessee is that football coach Butch Jones told WR Drae Bowles, who later transferred, that he was a “traitor” who “betrayed the team” for helping a woman who said she had been sexually assaulted by teammates.
‪#‎MamadontletyourbabiesgrowuptobeVolunteers‬

–

And for those who commented on me doing this every day. Blame Scott Ostler.  A SF Chronicle columnist and friend, he kept encouraging me to do this.  And when I said I couldn’t come up with jokes every day, he said, “nah, you’re funny, just give yourself a deadline and you’ll come up with stuff.”  I curse him under my breath regularly. But he was right about the self-imposed deadlines. And on good days, some of the “stuff ” is actually funny. 🙂

 

Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

What happens in Vegas…

February 24, 2016

Phrase we didn’t expect to hear from anyone six months ago: Marco ‪#‎Rubio‬ saying “I’m the only candidate who can beat Donald ‪#‎Trump‬.

 

 

Now Trump is vowing to put “bad dudes” in Guantanamo Bay. What about making America great again? Shouldn’t that mean he U.S. has the greatest prisons?

–

Marco Rubio says there’s no national security rationale for closing Gitmo    As if there was ever a real national security rationale for an American prison in Cuba?

–

Donald Trump tonight on Ted Cruz “”There’s something wrong with this guy.” So maybe that furry thing that lives on Trump’s head is somehow related to that blind squirrel that finds nuts?

 

Johnny Manziel is back on Twitter, Retweeting advice he got from Charlie Sheen?! Ah, good to see Manziel is looking for serious role models.

–

New York City has been hit by a rash of knife attacks lately, fortunately none of them fatal. If only the slashers were armed?

 

Mitch McConnell, on the Senate’s plan to ignore President Obama’s choice for the Supreme Court, no matter who he or she is: “The Senate will appropriately revisit the matter after the American people finish making in November the decision they’ve already started making today.”
Uh, as far as starting to make decisions, you think at least a dozen politicians haven’t started looking into office space in Iowa for 2020?

–

Dr. Ben Carson now on President Obama. “He was, you know, raised white….So, for him to, you know, claim that, you know, he identifies with the experience of black Americans, I think, is a bit of a stretch.”
Sounds like someone’s been hanging around on a podium with Donald Trump too long.

–

Getting at least a few emails a day from various liberal-Democratic groups urging me to sign a petition telling the Senate to vote on President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee. Now, I absolutely want a vote. But anybody really believe GOP senators give a rat’s ass about what Dems think?

–

Jeopardy says they are no longer accepting Canadian contestants, citing Canada’s privacy regulations. Hmm, or maybe looking at our Presidential primary so far, the show is afraid Canadians will make Americans look even dumber.

–

A Manhattan lawyer accused of raping a woman in his office says he’s innocent because he has “erectile dysfunction” and had not taken a Viagra on the night in question. I think I almost like “affluenza” better.

 

The oldest sorority on the University of Michigan campus, Kappa Alpha Theta, has been disbanded for “serious violations,” The chapter had already been suspended for hazing and underage drinking. Well, suppose it’s good to know women can be the equals of men, even if it’s getting a ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

The Redskins have confirmed that RGIII will not return to Washington next season. Wonder if the Browns are interested. At worse RGIII could be disappointing without getting arrested.

–

#‎Facepalm‬ for the day. Travel agency client wants cross country trip next week, so I offer alternatives. He wants a different return, with a flight number that doesn’t exist. Try to explain that. Her response “we didn’t see seats either but we thought you might have better access.”

–

If you’ve got this far,. I started this blog in 2007.  By  WordPress estimates one of you today is my 500,000th reader.  So thanks, and hope you didn’t get sent to this site by accident.

Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 17 Comments

Signs of spring.

February 23, 2016

Another sign of the apocalypse: The Chicago Cubs are 4-1 favorites to win the World Series this year.

–

Many SF Giants fans were broken-hearted when Pablo Sandoval left for Boston. As the pictures emerge of a even larger Panda at spring training for the Red Sox, just imagine how upset those fans would be if he’d signed that $90 million offered contract.

–

NASA has released an audio recording of Apollo 10 astronauts talking about “outer space type music” from the far side of the moon. Are they sure it wasn’t Pink Floyd?

–

Starbucks is changing their rewards program to give customers freebies based on dollars spent not number of visits. Which in most cases means double the visits for a freebie. So the coffee chain wants to be as beloved as the airlines?

 

Jean Boyd, the retired Texas judge who sentenced ‘affluenza’ teen Ethan Couch to probation in the first place, for his DUI crash that killed four people, says she doesn’t regret the sentence, and ‘don’t have all the facts’ simply don’t understand the logic behind her decision. Shocking. There was “logic” behind her decision? ‪#‎affluenzaiscatching‬?

–

Apparently a lot of GOP donors are switching to Marco Rubio. So they think he can out debate Hillary Clinton? Rubio couldn’t even out debate Chris Christie.

 ·

Donald Trump “I hear the Rickets family, who own the Chicago Cubs, are secretly spending $$$s against me. They better be careful, they have a lot to hide!” Almost expect to hear him say next “before someone drops a house on you too?”

–

So Ted Cruz has apparently asked his national spokesman Rick Tyler to step down, after the latest dirty tricks allegation, this time that the Cruz campaign deliberately posted a fake FB story about Rubio. Well, no worries, am sure it will take about 10 minutes for Tyler to be offered a job with Donald Trump.

–

Bob Dole has now endorsed Marco Rubio for President. Did Dole say Rubio is the best young candidate he has met since Abe Lincoln?

 

–

Horrible senseless killings in Kalamazoo. But since the San Bernardino killings basically meant all the GOP candidates wanted tougher regulations against immigrants, can expect the same candidates to call for government to impose tougher regulations against Uber drivers?

–

So apparently Barbara Bush was the one who got Jeb to drop out, to help preserve the family’s reputation. Shame Jeb didn’t listen to Mom before, when she said there had been “enough Bushes in the White House.”

Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Round and round we go.

February 22, 2016

Denny Hamlin won the ‪#‎Daytona500‬ by just six inches. Not surprisingly men who saw the photo thought it was more like a foot.

–

‪#‎Daytona500‬ today. The only time of the week millions of ‪#‎NASCAR‬ fans enjoy watching anyone turn to the left.

–

Wonder if even Derek Jeter is thinking this ‪#‎KobeBryant‬ farewell tour is getting over the top?

–

The 2016 ‪#‎Marlins‬ apparently have a rule against facial hair. Well, not like they are going to have to worry about playoff beards.

–

Former Cowboys RB Joseph Randle has been arrested for the 5th time in 17 months. Is Randle trying to prove he still belongs in the NFL?

–

SF Giants prospect Ray Black has been clocked at 104 mph.  And somewhere Barry Zito is just weeping.

–

 

GOP conventional wisdom always had it that “it should have been Jeb.” Dems now concur. Based on this campaign, were he running against Jeb, Gore wouldn’t have even needed Florida.

–

So March Rubio edged Ted Cruz for second in South Carolina tonight: Wonder if Cruz or Trump will be the first to try to hire Chris Christie.

–

So the alleged Kalamazoo shooter is a white man with a “typical American family.” Waiting for the first person who figures out a way to try to blame this on Muslims or immigrants.

–

Not great publicity for Uber that the Kalamazoo suspect was an Uber driver who was picking up fares between shootings. Let’s hope that while scared residents tried to get home that the company wasn’t also doing surge pricing. ‪#‎bustohell‬ ‪#‎ubertohell‬?

Mitt Romney apparently has finally decided to endorse Marco Rubio, So until now was he only 47% percent sure?

 

–

Hillary Clinton today was countering criticism that she’s running for President for “selfish reasons.” Give me a break, they’re ALL running for selfish reasons.

–

Edward Snowden says he misses the U.S. and is willing to be extradited home if the U.S government guarantees he would get a fair trial where he can make “a public interest defense.” Uh, not sure if Snowden would be convicted or not, but getting media coverage of his defense is not going to be an problem.

 

 

–

When the lights went out at one of his rallies, Donald Trump used the occasion to lash out at “the dishonest press.” Is that any way to talk about the people who have made it unnecessary for the Donald to pay for any of his publicity?

Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, snowden jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »