Author Archive
May 5, 2015
A picture has gone viral of some idiot family -teenagers and dad -proudly posing in front of Tumalo Falls in Oregon, after they carved their initials into the railing. Where is a good mountain lion when you need one?
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A Florida couple was convicted and could face up to 15 years in prison for “lewd and lascivious behavior” because they were having sex on a beach during the middle of the day in front of families including children. Thinking this being Florida they might do less time if they had just shot a witness. #humpingtheirground
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New Dallas DE Greg Hardy has already been suspended for 10 games over domestic violence. Now after a Carolina Panthers fan tweeted a picture of Kelvin Benjamin and new draft pick Devin Funchess, describing the new teammates as “The Twin Towers.” Hardy tweeted back “didn’t the twin towers get blown up lol.” #cantfixstupid
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Marilyn Hartman, California’s “serial stowaway”, now has been arrested twice at O’Hare for sneaking into a restricted area without a ticket. Wonder if TSA at least confiscated her bottled water?
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Regarding this trendy new “#HowOldRobot new app. Does it automatically add years to your age if you can’t figure out how do to the app?
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The #Cubs said they will FINALLY open two bleacher sections next Monday. Meaning beer sales at #WrigleyField for 2015 are about to double.
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Floyd Mayweather says he is willing to fight Manny Pacquiao again. The bigger question might be who is willing to pay to see it. #foolmeonce…
Sign of the apocalypse? Donald Trump actually said something I agree with.on Fox News. That the shootings at the “Draw Muhammad” contest were “disgusting,” But “she (Pam Geller) is taunting them… it’s risky for her. I don’t know – maybe she likes risk. But what the hell is she doing, and what is the purpose of it?’ ‘They can’t do something else? They have to be in the middle of Texas, doing something on Muhammad and insulting everybody?’
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The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner has to be thrilled with last night’s performance. Not his no-hitter into the 7th, and 8 shutout innings despite 4 errors. But Madbum FINALLY broke his 0 for the season with his first hit! Now for that first home run. #DHmyass
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A Florida man was arrested after he tried to cash a check for $368 billion dollars. Hmm, had he only tried to cash one for $368 million would he have gotten away with it?
Okay, who had as of May 5 that the #SFGiants‘ leader in RBI’s and HR’s would be #BrandonCrawford? Now all you liars put your hands down.
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Carly Fiorina is now defending her record at HP, saying all her layoffs helped “transform a company from failing to succeeding.” Well, there might be some truth to that, but thinking the firing that most helped the company was her own.
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Carson, Fiorina, Huckabee…. who’s next this week? Thinking the fire marshall is soon going to be placing limits on the number on stage for the first GOP Presidential Primary debate?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Carly Fiorina jokes, Cubs jokes, Florida jokes, GOP jokes, Greg Hardy jokes, Janice Hough, Mayweather jokes, Trump jokes, TSA jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
May 4, 2015
Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. Are you taking note American celebrities? Really special babies don’t need “special” names.
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Of course, bet there are more than a few people who think the new baby Princess was named after a North Carolina airport.
Darn good thing Chelsea Clinton had her baby before Kate. Wouldn’t matter if both moms had picked the names out at conception. Many would have said the choice would just have confirmed Hillary’s delusions of being royalty.
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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers apparently wrote a clause into Jameis Winston’s rookie contract that prohibits him from playing professional baseball. Which means Jameis could still try out for the Phillies.
So an unnamed source told CBSSports.com that the NBA will probably effect a rule change that would “severely” punish teams for intentionally fouling – the “Hack a Shaq’ strategy. Right. Because why teach these prima donnas that they have to learn how to shoot a simple free throw? #callingRickBarry
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In a new book, Melissa Rivers said her mother Joan had 348 plastic surgeries. What, because 350 would have been excessive?
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“Duck Commander Musical,” based on the Duck Dynasty family, which opened in Las Vegas April 8, will close May 17. Shocking. Did anyone think before it opened about the Venn diagram of overlapping circles between fans of musicals and the anti-homosexual Robertson family?
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At least the only people who died were the wannabe terrorists, but regarding this Mohammed cartoon event in Texas. wonder what Pamela Geller would have thought about an event focused on crude cartoons of Jesus, or even say, Mapplethorpe’s crucifix in urine photo?
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The Santa Clara D.A’s office says that an investigation into the SF 49ers’ Bruce Miller allegedly pushing his girlfriend from his car proved “inconclusive,” but they have charged him with vandalism for allegedly throwing “her phone into a wall.” So Miller still has his place on the “all-arrest” team.
(or maybe this is the equivalent of arresting Al Capone for tax evasion?)
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Sorry, if you’re not smart enough to register your own domain name, you’re not smart enough to run the country.. Carlyfiorina.org
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From Alex Kaseberg for the TKO, “Following his defeat of Manny Pacquiao, Floyd Mayweather is a perfect 48-0 in fights. 55-0 in fights if you count the seven domestic violence arrests.”
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In the Texas House, Rep. Matt Schaefer put forward an amendment that would make it illegal to terminate a pregnancy after 20 weeks, even if a fetus “has a severe and irreversible abnormality.” Meaning even if it has died, a woman must carry the unborn body to term. And his rationale – suffering is “part of the human condition, since sin entered the world.”
Of course, to be fair, Schaefer himself is proof that humans can survive without a brain, or a heart.
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#SFGiants may have had box scores before in games of 2-8-4. (2 runs, 8 hits, 4 errors.) But guessing this might have been the 1st they won.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Charlotte jokes, Janice Hough, joan rivers jokes, mohammed cartoon jokes, NBA jokes, royal baby jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
May 4, 2015
Lots of discussion in England over who the new baby Princess looks like. Of course, it will be a long time before we find out the answer to a very important question – was she lucky enough to inherit Aunt Pippa’s bum?
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Open educational note to any idiot who was thinking of making an anti-Mideast/Muslim comment about American Pharoah and his owner Ahmed Sayat. Sayat is Jewish. No joke. You’re welcome.
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Apparently the Brewers’ Ron Roenicke has earned the dubious distinction of being the first MLB manager fired in 2015. On the first weekend in May. Even Cubs fans think that’s giving up a little early.
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Several commentators place the SF 49ers as amongst the teams with the worst 2015 drafts. And if you listen hard, you can hear the giggles all the way from Ann Arbor.
(my friend Karen points out there was an earthquake in Michigan yesterday. So maybe it was Harbaugh doing his happy dance?)
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Tiger Woods has posted on his website that he and Lindsey Vonn “have mutually decided to stop dating.” Well, at least he didn’t call it a “conscious uncoupling.”
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Listening to some experts say that breakup with Lindsey Vonn might help Tiger Woods focus on golf. Thinking Tiger did just fine when he was juggling a wife AND half a dozen waitresses.
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Sure are a lot of people upset today over wasting their money on the “Fight of the Century.” Maybe they’ll all be named honorary SF 49ers Personal Seat License holders.
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So now that the Mayweather-Pacquaio event is over, will fight fans just have to sign up with MLB to stream Kansas City Royals games?
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So many celebrities in Vegas that they ran out of room to park private jets. Wonder how many of the same celebrities had used those same jets to go to events for Earth Day.
A U.K study that included over 2 million people found that those with the highest dementia risk in old age were those who were UNDERWEIGHT. Well, that is at least some comfort to those who worry about an increasing epidemic of dementia in the U.S.
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Client reports a United nonstop from Washington-Dulles to SF today has a PLANNED fuel stop in Wichita. Pilot says it’s because the flight is full and they have to either stop for gas or bump 50 people. On a clear spring day. Right. Because flights in the U.S. these days are never full…. #andairlneswonderwhywedonttrustthem
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SF Giants opened up today’s game with back-to-back home runs. (Aoki and Panik) Last time they did that was 1964 – and the pitcher was Bob Gibson. Wonder how many Giants paid for that feat with knockdown pitches and/or balls in the ribs.
Who’d a thunk this a couple weeks ago? The #SFGiants and #RedSox now have identical 12-13 records.
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Not only going to miss watching the Spurs play for the rest of these playoffs year, going to miss Pop’s interviews: “People ask me about Tim [Duncan] and Manu [Ginobili] and myself for the last five years, what we’re going to do, It’s all psycho babble. I have no clue. We’ll probably come back. Paycheck is pretty good. You think I’m lying.” #honesty
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, American Pharoah jokes, Brewers jokes, fight jokes, Janice Hough, Lindsey Vonn jokes, Mayweather jokes, royal baby jokes, Royals jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, Triple Crown jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
May 3, 2015
Regarding this #MayPac fight on Pay-Per-View. I’m trying to figure out how much someone would have had to have paid me to view it. #notaboxingfan
So what comes next? Mayweather’s next fight or his next domestic violence arrest? #MayPac
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But hey, for anyone who really is a fight fan…. wouldn’t it have been cheaper to sign up to stream Kansas City Royals games?
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Now, if anyone wants to see a real fight, the Yankees have decided Alex Rodriguez’s 660th home run is not a “marketable milestone.” So they don’t have to pay him a $6 million bonus. Which A-Rod plans to challenge.
(On top of the animosity involved, how often do Americans get to see a fight where they hope both sides lose?)
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Congrats to American Pharoah for winning the best two minute event in sports. As opposed to say, Big Papi’s batter’s box ritual.
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American Pharoah could really win the hearts of the country – What’s more American these days than misspelling? “Pharaoh” is the correct spelling. But the name sent in and selected as the winner of a naming contest, and the owner didn’t notice. Until after American Pharoah was registered….
Although to be honest, have to wonder how many Americans even know what a Pharaoh is.
Maybe next year the Zayat Stable should name a horse “Autocorrect.”
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A baby three hours after going to the hospital and a girl at that. Is Kate efficient or what? #improvingthegenepool #Royalbaby
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Kate leaves the hospital 10 hours after giving birth. And no doubt some U.S. conservatives would say, yes, another poor mother who suffers because the Government is in charge of healthcare. #Royalbaby
So the #NYJets have yet another quarterback. Forget bobbleheads, will the one of the team’s giveaways be a toy clown car?
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And we wonder why former football players have health problems. From a Colts website story on Stanford’s Henry Anderson. “He’s a good pass rusher, and if he adds some weight (he’s 6-6, 295 pounds) he could develop the power that could make him a force up front “. Adds some weight….? Sigh
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Rick Santorum on Bruce Jenner. “If he says he’s a woman, he’s a woman.” It’s a start. now, would Santorum let Ms. Jenner use a bathroom with his wife?
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Two police dogs in Medford, are expected to be out of work because while they are great at sniffing out marijuana. pot will become legal in Oregon July 1. But maybe savvy buyers can contract them on a part time basis for quality control?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: American Pharaoh jokes, American Pharoah jokes, Floyd Mayweather jokes, Janice Hough, Kentucky Derby jokes, Merryweather-Pacquaio joke
Comments: 5 Comments
May 2, 2015
This year Kentucky Derby hype overlaps with NFL draft hype. Makes sense, both events feature extremely talented young males who will likely go on to have many out-of-wedlock offspring.
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Jameis Winston celebrated being chosen #1 in the draft by posting an Instragram photo of himself, with crab legs. Even Johnny Manziel is going “Dude, THINK”
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A man has filed a class action lawsuit against MillerCoors because he thinks they are pretending that “Blue Moon” is a ‘craft’ beer. Really? What’s next, a suit saying that Coors using “Rocky Mountain High” is false because the beer doesn’t contain marijuana?
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So a former aide to Chris Christie has pleaded guilty in “Bridgegate” although the N.J. denies knowledge of any wrongdoing. A Christie-Clinton debate could be fun, and maybe might include real issues. After, “okay, I’ll accept your denials if you accept mine. Next”
A new Stanford study found that thinking can help spread brain tumors. So maybe it’s not just our imagination that stupid people can seem to live forever.
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At this point wouldn’t it be more newsworthy if some actress who worked with Bill Cosby said he DIDN’T assault her?
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A new joint technology with Samsonite and Samsung will have GPS microchip technology in suitcases. So travelers will be able to find out to which different cities the airlines have sent their luggage.
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The #cantfixstupid competition for the week is heating up. In Montana, a man featured on a “Crime Stoppers” Facebook page was arrested after he “liked” his own online wanted poster…..
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So of course the riots in Baltimore bring out the crazies on both sides with social media posts. Like this one on FB:
“So I am watching the news in Baltimore and see large swarms of people throwing bricks, etc at police who are fleeing from their assaults … 15 in the hospital already. Solution. Simple. Shoot em. Period. End of discussion. I don’t care what causes the protestors to turn violent…what the “they did it because” reason is…no way is this acceptable. Flipping disgusting.”
So what kind of idiot guy posts this? Oh, it was a woman, Teana Walsh. And she is, or maybe was, an assistant prosecutor near Detroit. #cantfixstupid
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#MLB says average game time in 2015 has dropped by 8 min. Alas, progress may be derailed by weekend of Red Sox-Yankees games. #NYYvsBOS
Almost 26 years ago on the eve of the Kentucky Derby, I was at least a week more than 9 months pregnant. And am convinced that with a tie game into the eighth inning, Giants pitcher Mike LaCoss (sorry Buffy) put me into labor. (Dramatic, albeit not fun – three walks then a bases clearing double.)
Tonight, on the eve of the Derby, Kate is in labour. Not sure the Brits follow baseball. But after the Giants’ walk-off win in the ninth maybe she should name the kid after Joe Panik?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Baltimore jokes, Janice Hough, Kentucky Derby jokes, NFL draft jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 30, 2015
England is all abuzz waiting for William and Kate’s second baby, which may be overdue. Americans don’t get why Brits care so much about a Royal Family. As opposed to more important things like whether Hillary can beat Jeb?
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Marcus Mariota watched the NFL draft from his home in Hawaii instead of going to Chicago. Wonder how many will criticize the decision and say the QB at least should have been watching from somewhere in the U.S.
For their 1st round pick in the NFL draft, the Denver Broncos drafted DE Shane Ray, who is already enrolled in the league’s substance abuse program after being cited this week for marijuana. Well, not sure if Ray will be a starter this year, but he’s already well on his way to some potential endorsement deals in Colorado.
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Stanford’s OT #AndrusPeat to the #Saints. Talented AND smart. Somewhere #DrewBrees is smiling.
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Have to wonder with NFL draft starting Thursday night, now agents have locked their clients in a room since say, Monday, to make sure they didn’t get in trouble?
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#JameisWinston #1 to #TampaBay in the #NFLDraft. Makes sense, at least Winston already has good relations with Florida cops.
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And so now as we head to round two of the #NFLDraft, many questions remain. Such as, “which QB will the #NYJets make a mistake with this year?”
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The Oakland As are not off to a great start this year. If the team doesn’t look out they won’t have anyone to trade away at the deadline.
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So Billy Donovan is leaving Florida for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Makes sense, these days being in the NBA gives you more years to coach college-age players.
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Judith Miller on “The Daily Show,” defending her stories about WMD’s in Iraq. “Everyone got it wrong.” Uh, not exactly “everyone.” #whatstoopainfultoremember
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The Kentucky Derby favorite is “American Pharoah” Wonder how many Americans think that is yet another nickname for Obama.
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Meanwhile, Gary Stevens, 52, will ride “Firing Line.” So will Stevens’ game plan be to scream at the other jockeys “You punks get off my racetrack”?
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A 45 year-old-man escaped with only minor injuries when he was pulling up his pants in a Chick-fil-A bathroom and accidentally shot his own leg with his Glock pistol. This happened in Hamilton, Ohio. Okay, Florida, catch up.
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Blake Lively, quoted in UK magazine “Stylist” “I have a dream to go to Harvard Business School, and one of these days I will do that… in my spare time.” Uh, so is Blake angling for a movie contract – “Corporately Blonde?
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In Oklahoma, during a debate about giving state supreme court justices a raise, Rep. Kevin Calvey argued that the court was not sufficiently anti-abortion, and stated “If I were not a Christian, and didn’t have a prohibition against suicide, I’d walk across the street and douse myself in gasoline and set myself on fire. To protest the evil that is going on over there, killing, giving the death penalty, to the will of the people and the will of this body and protecting the least among us.”
Well, in the name of consistency I say it’s his body and Calvey should be able to do what he wants with it. #anybodygotamatch?
From T.C. “Seahawks QB Russell Wilson upgraded a US Army passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight to 1st Class from Economy. Best part of this story was that he “handed” the serviceman the ticket.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: draft jokes, Florida jokes, Kentucky Derby jokes, Mariota jokes, NFL draft jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
April 30, 2015
The Cleveland Browns are apparently discussing a trade to get Marcus Mariota. Who’d a thunk it? For the 2015 season, a team appears to have more confidence in Tim Tebow than one has in Johnny Manziel.
Apparently North Dakota Rep. Randy Boehning has admitted now that he is gay after a man who he sexted on Grindr outed him over his hypocritical voting record. All these closeted creeps must be longing for the good old days when the only way you’d probably get found out was propositioning an undercover officer.
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Really eerie watching all the players stand for the National Anthem at Camden Yards with no fans in the stands. Former NLers Adam LaRoche and Ubaldo Jimenez must have felt like they were about to start a game at Dodger Stadium.
The Houston Rockets fired their head of social media. For tweeting an image of a horse with a gun pointed at it, with the comment “it will all be over soon” as Houston was about to sweep the Dallas Mavericks. Tacky. Although inn the grand scheme of things, there have been worse tweets.
But from someone who was HIRED to be an expert in social media? #cantfixstupid
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The NFL has “voluntarily” given up their tax-exempt status. Meaning one of two things. Either the league figures Congress was close to actually doing something before an election year. Or their tax accountants have figured out another way to avoid paying.
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Jack Ely, 71. who sang “Louie Louie” with Ely and the Kingsmen in 1963, has died. It may not the greatest recording all time. But “Louie Louie” probably holds the record for the song which has had the most brain cells destroyed while listening to it. #Toga!
Eight home runs in 21 innings in 2015 for Ryan Vogelsong. I know Vogelsong is trying to secure his place for the #SFGiants after Matt Cain returns, but someone should tell him the Giants already have a BP pitcher.
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It’s only April, but Alabama CB Cyrus Jones has become the fourth player on the team arrested this spring. For two counts of misdemeanor domestic violence. Maybe Nick Saban shouldn’t be trying quite so hard to recruit players who are NFL ready?
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Republicans hope to damage Hillary Clinton with allegations that the Clinton Foundation took money from foreigners who hoped to benefit from her State Department decisions. While GOP 2016 Presidential candidates have hauled in hundreds of millions already from Super PACs. Well, makes a certain amount of sense, guess they feel politicians should be bought and paid for right here in the USA.
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Reports are that so far this year North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has ordered the execution of 15 senior officials who were accused of challenging his authority. And President Obama’s got to be thinking “You can do that?”
Florida Congressman Mario Diaz-Balart has attached a provision to a Dept. of Transportation appropriations bill to bar any new flights or cruise ships to Cuba, saying it’s because of the President’s “shameful eagerness to appease dictators.”
Guess I’ve missed Diaz-Balart’s efforts to break off relations with, amongst other countries, Saudi Arabia.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Alabama jokes, Baltimore jokes, Boehning jokes, Hillary jokes, Janice Hough, louie louie jokes, Mariota jokes, NFL draft jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 28, 2015
Due to the riots in Baltimore, tomorrow’s White Sox-Orioles game is closed to the public. So players on both teams will get a chance to see what it felt like to play in Montreal’s Olympic Stadium.
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Hoping things calm down in Baltimore as much as anyone. But anyone but me think it’s a bit ironic that Ray Lewis has a video message out “Get off the streets. Violence is not the answer”?
So Donald Trump is back to attacking Obama, tweeting ‘Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!’ And asking if “US taxpayers are expected to rebuilt it (the city) again?”
Funny that I don’t seem to remember the Donald’s similar outrage when U.S. taxpayers were expected to bail out the banks and Wall Street.
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As much of a mess as things are in Baltimore, Maryland does have some very strict gun laws. Wonder how Americans would feel if many of those rioters were armed?
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Why should men have all the fun? #Cantfixstupid, female division. A California woman was arrested at her home less than half an hour after allegedly burglarizing a house in Palo Alto. Police were able to track her so quickly because she dropped her driver’s license during the burglary.
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A YouTube user “TechRax” tested Apple’s new “Watch Sport” by dropping it from a height of about 3 1/2 feet. When it landed face-down the watch screen shattered. So Apple engineers are too young to remember the goal of “Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”?
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So for those people who want to get rid of “Hack-a-Shaq” because it’s not entertaining to watch, how do they feel about the intentional walk? Although if we really want to talk about breaking up the pace of games, how about TV time outs?
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Corporate logic, grocery store division. A local Safeway is under-performing expectations so has few cashiers available at any given time. One reason people I know don’t go to the store – the check-out lines are too long.
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Say it ain’t so. Suzanne Crough, 52, aka Tracy Partridge has passed away. It’s bad enough when the people you grew up watching on T.V. die. It’s worse when they are younger than you are.
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Google’s head of human resources says the company’s oldest employee is “over 80.” Ah, he must be the one who helped design the driver-less car seen around campus with its left blinker on.
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I was semi-joking about the DH and the SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner, who likes to hit, yesterday. Today Madbum backs me up – and he’s serious. “I guarantee you. Some of the things you’re seeing in the American League wouldn’t happen if pitchers had to hit. They’d be a whole lot more polite.”
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Bernie Sanders is running for President. And now Jon Stewart might be REALLY reconsidering retirement. #Letthefunbegin!
Budweiser says it is removing a new slogan label on Bud Light that says “The perfect beer for removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.” Okay, the real question here is not who decided to remove the slogan, but who was idiotic enough to approve it in the first place? #justsayno
The Rockets won their first playoff series since 2009. The Astros are in first place. Are we sure we’re not seeing signs of the apocalypse? #Houstonwehaveaproblem?
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#Spurs win a close one at 1am #SanAntonio time. At that time of night most men their players’ age only get up to use the toilet. #SAvsLA
From Bill Littlejohn: “The NFL is giving up its tax-exempt status.I supposed with all of the scandals coming to light, it can no later be classified as a religion”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Apple Watch jokes, Baltimore jokes, Budweiser jokes, Janice Hough, Ray Lewis jokes, Spurs jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 27, 2015
While MLB is focusing on pace-of-game issues, maybe they should consider also fining National Anthem singers who add several syllables to one-syllable words?
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The NFL draft is Thursday. DE Shane Ray, a probable first round pick, was cited early this morning in Missouri for a traffic violation and marijuana possession. So should part of the job for a really good sports agent be to lock these kids in a room for the week prior to the draft? #cantfixstupid
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A Fox News poll found that 51% of Americans say to legalize marijuana, and 48% say to legalize gay marriage. Of course, with legalized marijuana the same-sex marriage tolerance might go up “Whatever, dude, will they offer me some of their wedding cake?”
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Having this sense that had Bruce Jenner gone to Nepal for a spiritual retreat before his sex-change operation that the Internet would have exploded by now….
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Kim Kardashian said in a “Today” interview that while she doesn’t fully understand her stepfather, she supports him “100%” in his plan to transition to a woman soon. Preferably no doubt as soon as possible so Bruce stops taking headlines from her and Kanye?
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Apparently DUI charges against former Seminole P.J. Williams, who is projected to go early in next month’s NFL draft, have been dropped. The Florida D.A. has decided there was insufficient evidence to charge him. Am sure the fact Williams was arrested by the FSU Police Department has nothing to do with this.
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Jeb Bush told donors that his Super PAC could hit the $100 million mark in fundraising this month. And told reporters on the same day “I don’t think you need to spend $1 billion to be elected President of the U.S. in 2016.” What, so Jeb thinks you need to spend $2 billion?
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Both the Kentucky Derby and Wimbledon have banned selfie sticks this year. Or they could just allow the sticks, and ban the people carrying them. #enoughalready
The NCAA is apparently leaning towards reducing the shot clock from 35 to 30 seconds for men’s basketball. Maybe because they don’t want to confuse all these “one-and-dones” with higher math?
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So what was the difference between the Toronto Raptors and the Toronto Maple Leafs this year? About a week.
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Apparently a brawl, with punches thrown, broke out on a flight from Heathrow last night over legroom. It was on a flight to Muscat, Oman, and a man was arrested upon landing. Surprised it didn’t happen on a flight to the U.S. Of course American carriers would have charged another passengers an entertainment fee to watch.
(From my friend Matt Goldberg, “No Muscat Love on that flight.” )
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Apparently representatives from Nevada have been to Colorado to see how recreational marijuana legalization is going. I can see that. Vegas needs more ways to loosen people’s inhibitions.
From Alex Kaseberg “A headline reads ‘Bush leads Clinton in Polls.’ What was the headline below that? ‘E-mails might replace Faxes’?”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Bruce Jenner jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, jeb bush jokes, Kentucky Derby jokes, marijuana jokes, MLB jokes, NFL draft jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
April 27, 2015
Max Scherzer, who injured his thumb batting, says the NL should add the DH as “no one wants to see pitchers bat.'” And that “NFW” in a loud southern drawl you hear comes from Madison Bumgarner. #SFGiants
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If Bruce Jenner feels he has “always been a woman”, is this a small twisted revenge on all those East German Olympic women’s medal winners?
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Here we go again. In Napa, a 29-year-old high school girl’s soccer coach was arrested after a 16-year-old girl reported he propositioned her and sexted her a picture of his genitals. Leaving aside the illegality and wrongness of this, when will men learn – no one wants to see pictures of your junk.
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The Boston Celtics shuffled their lineup for Game 4 today against the Cleveland Cavaliers. Guess this is the NBA version of re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
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A British man will marry his 92-year-old fiancee on his 103th birthday June 13. Well this is one way to probably avoid the 7-year-itch.
Corinthian Colleges said it will end operations and shut down their campuses, affecting more than 16,000 U.S. students. And of course the SEC schools who never got a chance to schedule them in football.
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Sen. Ted Cruz said yesterday that “there is no room for Christians in today’s Democratic Party.” I think this is one appropriate time for the phrase “Jesus wept.”
“Why there is no satire” headline of the day- “George W. Bush Bashes Obama on Middle East.
After letting the Ottawa Senators climb back from 3-0 to 3-2, the Montreal Canadiens closed out their series by winning today’s game 2-0 behind Carey Price’s 43 saves. So the Canadiens may not be this year’s Stanley Cup champions, but at least they’re not this year’s San Jose Sharks.
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Giants and Rockies rained out in Denver. Well, at least this was one game Casey McGehee knew he wouldn’t hit into a double play.
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Although as much as I might rag on McGehee, he has the same number of home runs (1) and until today, the same slugging percentage of the man he replaced, Pablo Sandoval.
And all aboard the bus to hell driven tonight by T.C
“Billy Joel, age 65, and his pregnant girlfriend who is 34 were harassed in a New York restaurant. People were calling him a pervert and dirty old man. He said it totally ruined their 22nd anniversary.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bruce Jenner jokes, Canadiens jokes, DH jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, sexting jokes, SF Giants jokes, Ted Cruz jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
April 25, 2015
Police finally trapped a coyote they had been chasing in lower-Manhattan this morning. Wonder if they lured him with an ACME sign.
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So many of the headlines on Bruce Jenner and his “I Am a Woman” comment reference him as a “reality TV star.” I guess those of us who think “Wheaties” and “Gold medal” are really old….
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So for fans of watching heads explode, can we ask all the GOP Presidential candidates what they think of Bruce Jenner coming out as a a Republican?
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Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, talking about the “coarseness:” of society, for example, “the constant use of the “F-word” – including, you know, ladies using it… If you portray it a lot, the society’s going to become that way. It’s very sad,”
Of course, Scalia probably isn’t considering how many women who use the “F-word” are using it in response to his decisions.
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NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says the league will have “full-throated conversations” about eliminating “Hack-A-Shaq’ strategy, saying it’s “not great entertainment for our fans.” Well, heck, if that was the criteria this year the NBA might have eliminated the 76ers and the Knicks.
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If Adam Silver really wants to get rid of the “Hack-A-Shaq” strategy, why doesn’t he propose locking some of these clowns in a gym with a lot of basketballs until they can learn to shoot at least 50% of their free throws?
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are apparently paying Josh Hamilton $75 million to go away. And you thought maybe your boss didn’t like YOU?
The New York Times has reported that Russian hackers had access to President Obama’s emails after infiltrating the White House and the State Department’s unclassified computer systems last year. So does this make Hillary Clinton look like a genius?
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Mary Pat Christie, wife of the New Jersey governor, has quit her $475,000-a-year job on Wall Street, fueling speculation that Chris will announce soon that he is running for President. In the meantime, will the family join the Cruz’s on Obamacare?
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The #Astros are not off to a good start in their annual chase for #MLB‘s number one draft pick.
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Headlines now about the Google executive killed on Everest with the Nepal earthquake. Alas perhaps again illustrating the quote, especially with the U.S. media, “One death is a tragedy, one million is a statistic.”
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Apparently in China, a small turnout at a funeral indicates the deceased was not well-liked and can disgrace a family. So some familes are hiring strippers to perform at the services. Wonder how many men are reading this and thinking “hmm, time to rewrite my last wishes.”
Or as my friend Elizabeth says ” “Wonder how many more men plan to attend funerals? “Hey honey, I’d love to help around the house, but I have another funeral to attend.”
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Six players from Kansas City Royals and Chicago White Sox were suspended for their role in a serious brawl last week. On the brighter side, they’ve all been offered post-season tryouts with the Chiefs and Bears.
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There are plenty of reasons to criticize and disagree with Hlllary Clinton. But regarding her “evolution” on gay marriage, is she any different than many people? Ten years ago a Wash. Post/ABC poll found 39 percent of Americans supported same-sex marriage with 58 percent opposed. The same poll last week found 61 percent in favor, 35 percent opposed. #thetimestheyareachangin
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bruce Jenner jokes, Christie jokes, free throw jokes, Hillary jokes, Janice Hough, Josh Hamilton jokes, NBA jokes
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April 24, 2015
Kawhi Leonard is turning 24 in June. And he and his senior teammates on the Spurs are doing an interesting rewrite of Neil Young’s “Old Man” lyrics.
“Old man look at my life,
I’m a lot like you were.
Old man look at my life,
I’m a lot like you were.
Old man look at my life,
Twenty four
and there’s so much more”
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Just wondering, will they change the Olympic record book to make Bruce Jenner the first and only woman to win the decathlon?
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In Kenya, a dairy cow has started to attack and eat sheep, killing two last week. Hmm. I see the first ad of Carly Fiorina’s presidential campaign…. #demonsheep #demoncows
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Carly Fiorina will supposedly declare her candidacy for President on May 4. Although given her tenure at HP have to wonder, how far will the announced date slip?
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Cal has let go an assistant football coach who was arrested earlier this month in a prostitution sting. Silly. Unlike the seat license holders for Cal’s new stadium, at least the prostitutes delivered value for money to their customers who got screwed.
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Apparently last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy was a real shocker. Of course, for many people the shock is that Grey’s Anatomy is still on.
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There’s a Fox Sports news report today that during the first week Dallas Cowboys’ offseason program, Greg Hardy and Davon Coleman got into an on-field argument and had to be separated by other teammates. So congrats to all those who had April 24 i in the Hardy pool.
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At a gala in Dallas last night, Tony Romo: “We’re going to win a Super Bowl next year. ” And even Cubs fans are asking “What is he smoking?”
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Given their chances to win it really would have been appropriate for many of the GOP Presidential candidates to have announced on 4/20.
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Another thought about that volunteer sheriff’s deputy in Tulsa who fatally shot a man. He is 73. And had a taser AND a gun. At a time when most police retire at 55, and there are still mandatory retirement ages for them in many cities…. #whatdidtheythinkcouldpossiblygowrong
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Here we go again, on Thursday the Kansas City Royals got in a fight with the Chicago White Sox. Five players were ejected. The Royals may not get back to the World Series, but they’re likely to be named the official MLB team of the World Boxing Association.
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Okay, who saw that tonight’s White Sox-Royals game was suspended and figured maybe it was on account of both TEAMS being ejected? (Tonight it was weather. Tomorrow, who knows?)
From Marc Ragovin: “So KC had its second basebrawl of the week the other day. Maybe they should be called the Battle Royales”
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April 23, 2015
The SF Giants are raffling off an authentic World Series ring. Wonder if there’s any truth to the rumor that the Chicago Cubs inquired about buying all the tickets?
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Question on ESPN “Are the Mets really this good?” Of course, another question might be “Are the rest of the NL East teams really this bad?”
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Bernie Williams will officially sign his retirement papers at Yankee Stadium before Friday’s Mets-Yankees game. Williams last played in 2006. What, no farewell tour?
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So apparently the U.S. World Cup’s women’s uniforms are white. With no red or blue on them. May be more people getting upset about this than will actually watch the women’s World Cup. #USAUSAUSA
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Charles Koch on charges that “We are doing all of this to make more money? “I mean, that is so ludicrous.” Translation, “we make PLENTY of money. We are doing “all of this” so that we pay less taxes and keep more of it.”
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So Alabama is moving forward with legalizing medical marijuana. Excellent. Time for a brownie bakery titled “REALLY sweet home Alabama!”
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When the Patriots were at the White House today, President Obama joked that he had scissors ready in case Bill Belichick wanted to to cut the sleeves. Scissors huh?! Maybe we’ve figured out “deflate-gate” #BlameObama.
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The Spurs’ Kawhi Leonard won the NBA Defensive Player of the Year Award, prevailing over the Warriors’ Draymond Green. Heard on a radio interview this a.m. “Nice to see small men getting some recognition.” Leonard and Green are both 6’7″ #shortpersonfacepalm
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WNBA players Brittney Griner and her fiancee, Glory Johnson, were both arrested last night for suspicion of assault and disorderly conduct. Alas who says women athletes can’t be the equals of men.
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Iowa Congressman Steve King Congressman has proposed a “Restrain the Judges on Marriage Act of 2015” which would ban federal courts from hearing all marriage-related cases, including same-sex marriage cases. So the decisions would rest with state courts.
Okay then, does King also feel the feds should stay out of state decisions like legalized marijuana?
From Bill Littlejohn “The Philadelphia Eagles have worked their home schedule around the Pope’s visit—but many of their fans plan to show up and boo him anyway.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: brittney griner jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, Mets jokes, Yankees jokes
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April 23, 2015
Impressive win by the Spurs tonight in OT against the Clippers in Los Angeles. Heck, impressive with the game ending after 10pm PT, midnight CT, that most of the team was up that much past their bedtimes.
Gregg Popovich used the “Hack a Jordan” strategy tonight in the win, putting DeAndre Jordan at the line repeatedly. Ugly, yes. Fun to watch, no, fun for the Clippers, no. But there IS a solution, for Jordan and others – learn to shoot a bleeping free throw.
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The Oklahoma City Thunder fired Scott Brooks today, after he had coached the team for seven years. Guess Brooks didn’t do a good enough job of making sure Durant and Westbrook didn’t get hurt?
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Jameis Winston now says he didn’t steal the crab legs, but they were given to him by a Publix employee. as was a cake the week before. Uh, illegal benefits? Vacate the Seminoles wins! Or at the very least the NCAA should put USC on probation again.
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Your tax dollars at work. Today the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals reversed Barry Bonds’ obstruction of justice conviction . Saying his vague grand jury answer was “not material to the government’s investigation into steroids distribution.” But hey, this decision itself can be appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. More tax dollars!
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Greg Hardy was suspended for 10 games by the NFL after he was found guilty of assaulting and threatening to kill a former girlfriend. If he’d actually killed her would the Cowboys’ new DE have been given 12 games?
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Really, former Chicago Bears kicker Jay Feely said Tim Tebow is the worst QB he has even seen in his NFL career? With all due respect, Tebow might not have even been the worst QB Feely saw on the Bears.
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A Carnival Cruise ship made it to Sydney Harbor 24 hours late after suffering some damage from 40-foot waves during a major storm. No reported injuries. But stand by anyway for the CNN mini-series.
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Revenge for the 21st century:. When a Japanese woman discovered her boyfriend was cheating on her, she put his iMac, iPhone, iPad and accessories into the bath tub. And then sent him a picture. Even in drought-stricken California most women would say that’s a fine use of water.
(Andy D. says, “The waterproof Android phones need this as their new commercial!”)
Mitt Romney’s son Josh has said, for now, that he won’t run for the Senate in 2016, but thinks he will run for office some day in the future. Isn’t it nice to know that we live in a meritocracy that isn’t led by family dynasties?
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During a question and answer session at the White House today for “Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day, a little girl asked Michelle Obama how old she was, and when Michelle responded, “51,” the girl made a funny face, and said “You look too young.” Then repeated “You’re too young for a 51 year old!”
Wonder if the House hearing this, immediately called for a special investigation.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, cruise jokes, Hardy jokes, Jameis jokes, Janice Hough, Popovich jokes, Spurs jokes, Tebow jokes
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April 21, 2015
Okay, who says I never say anything nice about Yasiel Puig?. He just applauded an amazing outfield catch by Justin Maxwell. Of a ball Puig himself had hit. Don’t get used to this, LA friends. #SFGiants #Dodgers
#Whythereisnosatire. Actual comment on a Tripadvisor hotel review -“The beach was too sandy.”
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So apparently a number of wealthy people in California are ignoring requests and warnings of fines to conserve during the drought, and are keeping their lawns lush and green. Fine then, if money is no object maybe we should just pass a temporary law requiring them to use bottled water.
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Another thought to deal with wealthy California water wasters who have no intention of giving up their lush lawns: Vigilante herds of cows. #grassfedbeef
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#NFLschedule for 2015 out at 5pm PT. And presumably at 501p #Raiders fans announced they have been shafted.
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In Naples, a 49 year old grandmother was arrested for DUI after she rear-ended another car in her BMW, with her 10 year old grandson in the car, while wearing only sandals and a bikini. Back on your game, Florida.
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ESPN has a factoid today: When Tim Tebow was at Florida and took the snap within 2 yards of the goal like, the Gators scored 59% of the time, while the SEC as a whole converted 53%. Then in the pros he scored on 80% of such opportunities, compared to under 50% for the rest of the NFL.. Hmm, maybe the coach who SHOULD have signed Tim as a backup QB was Pete Carroll.
Gwyneth Paltrow has finally legally filed for divorce from Chris Martin. So guess what guys, she’s single.
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Queen Elizabeth II just celebrated her 89th birthday today. It’s all part of her grand plan to live forever. Or at least outlive Charles and Camilla. #GodsavetheQueen
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What’s more amazing, that Cincinnati Reds manager Bryan Price reportedly dropped the F-bomb 77 times in a rant against the media, or that someone in the media took the time to count the F-bombs?
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A 70 year old woman was arrested at JFK for trying to smuggle 4 lbs of cocaine in her panties. So how would you now like to be the customs officer in charge now trying to figure out whether or not to search possible Depends wearers?
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Charles Koch, talking about the Presidential election said that “he and his brother are “only” planning to spend about $300 million “directly” on electoral politics in 2016, including federal and state elections. Well, gosh, pocket change. So why should we worry about money in politics?
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A new study involving over 95,000 children found no link between the MMR vaccine and autism. Alas, a lot of the people affected will put the results down to commie-pinko stuff like numbers. #cantfixstupid
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Jessa Duggar Seewald, one of the “19 Kids and Counting” herd, has announced she is expecting a baby on her first wedding anniversary. What took so long?
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Josh Gordon has admitted his season long suspension, following probation, was from drinking alcohol on the Browns’ private plane in January. And CB Joe Haden said “Nobody was aware that he couldn’t drink.” Uh, except Gordon.
From Alex Kaseberg “A German study claims watching too much Internet porn can cause short-term memory loss. I don’t believe it, besides, what do those Swedes know anyway?”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, drought joke, Duggar jokes, Florida jokes, Gwyneth Paltrow jokes, Janice Hough, Queen Elizabeth jokes, SFGiants jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 20, 2015
Apparently in Kansas City some fans are complaining because the hot dogs on “$1 Hot Dog Night” were not exactly top quality. These are probably the same folks who complain about day-old sushi.
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Kraft Foods says they are getting rid of artificial preservatives and synthetic colors in their “Original Macaroni and Cheese” starting in January 2016. Have to wonder, without the day-glo orange color, how many kids will stop eating the stuff?
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Tim Tebow has formally signed a one-year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. Let’s hope Tim didn’t take that “City of Brotherly Love” nickname too seriously.
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Pelicans coach Monty Williams said that the Warriors crowd noise during game one was “a little out of hand.” Did he think Golden State fans would hear this and be quieter tonight. #cantfixstupid
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The #1 NFL player as far as merchandise sales last year was Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. Wonder how many fans bought stuff to pass on?
(My friend Arne says “there was a run on his jerseys…”)
Chris Christie is against legalized marijuana and says “we have an enormous addiction problem in this country.” So is the New Jersey Governor proposing the equivalent of lap-bands for pot smokers?
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In Parma, Missouri, five out of a total of six cops resigned after the town elected a black woman mayor. So if Hillary gets elected will they turn in their citizenship?
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Former N.J. Gov and CEO of bankrupt MF Global Jon Corzine is apparently considering starting his own hedge fund. Will the firm’s logo be a fox guarding a hen coop?
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President Obama and his family took an unscheduled hike in Virginia’s Great Falls Park yesterday. Let’s see, no golf included, no Air Force One or helicopter needed…. maybe critics will go after him for bringing too much attention to the park and thus contributing to future overcrowding? #cantwin
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SF 49ers right guard Alex Boone apparently told HBO’s “Real Sports” about former coach Jim Harbaugh ” “This guy might be clinically insane.” Just wondering, what percentage of NFL coaches does Boone think aren’t?
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A recent CNN-ORC shows no clear favorite for the Republican presidential nomination. Though since the primaries are about a year away have to wonder how many Americans could name the options. #toomanyridersintheclowncar
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The SF Chronicle reports that Cal wide receivers coach and recruiting coordinator Pierre Ingram was arrested last week during a prostitution sting for allegedly soliciting an officer. Yet another ill-advised and incomplete pass for the Bears?
Jon Stewart announced that his final episode of “The Daily Show” will be August 6. Wonder how many prospective Presidential candidates have now decided to announce they are running on August 7.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, food jokes, hot dog jokes, Janice Hough, Jon Stewart jokes, NBA jokes, New Jersey jokes, NFL jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 20, 2015
Say what? The NY Post reports that NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio’s hopes that a “draft de Blasio’’ movement will result in his beating Hillary in the primaries like “George McGovern successfully challenged the initially front-running establishment candidate, Edmund Muskie, more than 40 years ago” And we all know how well that worked out for the Democrats.
Today is 4-20. Let’s hope protesters in favor of marijuana legalization remember to show up before 4-21.
Jon Stewart told the UK Guardian that he is leaving The Daily Show because he was becoming increasing depressed by US politics and cable news. Which alas is how many Americans feel about coping with current events without him.
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Both the Oakland and Kansas City benches emptied for the third straight day during today’s game and five Royals were ejected after Kelvin Herrera threw a 100 mph fastball behind Brett Lawrie. Almost a shame the two teams don’t meet again until late June. – some say baseball doesn’t get high TV ratings because it’s not a contact sport.
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Tim Tebow is joining the Philadelphia Eagles. Meaning it will be a close competition between him, Matt Barkley and Mark Sanchez for the QB most likely to have Philly fans scream “Jesus Christ.”
Marco Rubio today “I also don’t believe that your sexual preferences are a choice for the vast and enormous majority of people. In fact, the bottom line is I believe sexual preference is something that people are born with.”
Is the Florida Senator saying he has conceded the bat sh*t crazy vote?
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Donald Trump apparently retweeted (then deleted) a tweet saying “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America. Thinking if Donald Trump can’t make TWO marriages work what makes him think he can deal with tough international relations.
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A new book says that Ronald Reagan believed in extra-terrestrial life and in 1985 told Mikhail Gorbachev at a peace summit that “he was sure the two superpowers would co-operate if Earth was threatened by alien invasion.” Don’t laugh too fast… alien invasion might explain some of the candidates we have running for President.
(My friend Suzanne G. says I have now disrespected aliens.)
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A British study found that drivers who were dehydrated (drinking 25 ml -less than an ounce of water) an hour, made as many mistakes as drivers who were over the DUI limit. Of course, imagine that drivers who drink a LOT of water are more likely to speed to get to a restroom.
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Texas Rangers GM Jon Daniels says he’d like to give Russell Wilson a shot but . “Obviously, he’s got a pretty good thing going on with the Seahawks, and we’re not going to get in the way of that.” Translation, Wilson’s a decent baseball player but he’s not THAT good.
(Alex B. says “Wilson was going to give baseball a go, but Pete Carroll told him to pass.”
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Apparently the Lily Pulitzer collection for Target caused a shopping frenzy Sunday morning online and at Target stores. And if you have any idea what that means you probably don’t have a Y chromosome.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: 2016 Presidental election jokes, 4 20 jokes, De Blasio jokes, Janice Hough, Jon Stewart jokes, marijuana jokes, Rubio joke, Tebow jokes, Trump jokes
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April 18, 2015
And of course two weeks into the season didn’t we all have the #SFGiants ace being #ChrisHeston?
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Is it too soon to nominate #ChrisHeston as NL Rookie of the Year? #SFGiants
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The SF Giants have placed pitcher Jake Peavy on the DL for a back strain. Wonder if Peavy strained it by turning around so often to watch where balls hit off him were going.
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Last night Pablo Sandoval “barreled” (ESPN’s word) into Baltimore 2B Jonathan Schoop trying to break up a double play. Today the O’s put Schoop on the DL with a partially torn PCL and, sprained MCL.
Panda isn’t making himself too popular with any fans wearing Orange and Black.
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Pete Rose has been hired as a guest studio analyst for Fox. No word on how much the network is paying him. Or on how much Rose made for betting someone would offer him a baseball-oriented job.
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As if we needed proof that in some parts of the US, the state bird is the football: Ohio State drew over 99,000 fans today. For a Spring intra-squad scrimmage game.
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Many celebrities today at various Earth Day rallies. Wonder how many arrived on private planes?
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Carly Fiorina is the latest “maybe” entrant in the 2016 race. “I will probably be running for president in a few short weeks.” All these indecisive people…. are they waiting to see if they can hire as a campaign manager Brett Favre?
Fiorina also says that if she gets in the race, she can block Hillary Clinton from playing the “gender card.” Alas, with her record at HP Carly can’t block Hillary from playing the “halfway competent” card.
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Rand Paul today said the GOP needs to “tax cuts to help poor people.” Sort of like fighting wars for peace?
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Kendall Schier, originally credited with being the woman winner of the this week’s St. Louis Marathon, was stripped of her victory because officials found she actually joined the race after the last checkpoint. And a new generation learns the name “Rosie Ruiz.”
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After the Wizards’ Paul Pierce said the Raptors didn’t have “it”, the Toronto fans and media have been all over him. The Sun newspaper in fact had a picture of Pierce as Gandalf, the OLD Wizard. Did the Sun forget? Gandalf knew about getting rings.
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So has #ARod really gotten his swing back? Or has he just found an undetectable PED?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Earth day jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, SF Giants jokes Carly Fiorina jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 18, 2015
So a new Kansas law prohibits welfare recipients for using benefits to go to movies or sporting events, get their nails done, or buy things like alcohol, cigarettes and lingerie. But they WILL be able to use the cards to buy guns. #GodblessAmerica #priorities #whatcouldgowrong?
Are we sure that the animal Madison Bumgarner rode on Opening Day to deliver the SF Giants pennant was a horse and not a billy goat?
Worst thing for #SFGiants fans Friday night? Having gone for post-game fireworks. And now having to stay for game to be over.
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Nike has announced that they have signed Jameis Winston to a contract. Considering some of the former FSU star’s past decisions, are we sure that the slogan “Just Do It.” is the best idea?
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The #SFGiants haven’t won at home since they started tearing down Candlestick Park. Time for an exorcism? Or something?
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Mike Huckabee said today he is still unsure about running for President but will officially announce his plans May 5. When no doubt the former Arkansas Governor will say one of his best qualifications is strong decision making skills.
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Now that he’s out of rehab, Johnny Manziel issued a statement saying he is working to regain trust and asking everyone to respect his privacy. Here’s a hint Johnny, just don’t start tweeting tweet any updates from Vegas.
In Washington, a semi-truck carrying bee hives crashed on I-5, resulting in millions of the bees swarming the highway. Guessing this makes the clean-up one of the biggest ever “honey-do” lists?
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So a new Kansas law prohibits welfare recipients for using benefits to go to movies or sporting events, get their nails done, or buy things like alcohol, cigarettes and lingerie. But they WILL be able to use the cards to buy guns. #GodblessAmerica #priorities #whatcouldgowrong?
Oops. Apparently in March, a U.S. marshal accidentally left his loaded gun in a bathroom stall on top of a toilet paper dispenser at Newark airport and boarded the flight without it. (A janitor found the weapon and turned it in to TSA.)
And you feel bad about leaving your cellphone somewhere.
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That 73 year old volunteer sheriff’s deputy in Tulsa who fatally shot a man after he said he mistook his gun for his taser has apologized and said “it can happen to anyone.” Well, that ought to make us all feel safer.
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Then there’s this horrible moment. A Texas veteranirian not only apparently shot and killed an orange tabby cat, someone’s pet, with a bow and arrow, she bragged about the shooting and posted a picture on Facebook.
She has been fired, one would figure if not just for the cruelty but for the stupidity of bragging about it on social media.
If only the cat had been armed.
Rare hockey moment. LA Kings’ forward Jarret Stoll was arrested Friday night in Las Vegas on suspicion of drug possession. Two thoughts. 1. How out there do you have to be to get arrested for drugs in LAS VEGAS? 2. Well, based on the Kings’ year they weren’t PEDs.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Comments: 1 Comment
April 16, 2015
Too easy but someone’s got to do it. The Apple Watch, scheduled to be in stores April 24, now won’t be there until June. Isn’t the first function of a watch to be on time?
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Chris Christie Tuesday said if elected President that he would enforce federal law against states that have legalized marijuana. “I will crack down and not permit it.” Whatever happened to small government “states’ rights” conservatism?
Guessing whatever electoral map the New Jersey Governor has in his head never included California, Washington and Colorado?
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A West Virginia woman is suing Walt Disney Corporation, claiming that the company somehow inserted a rubber chip in her body without her consent. Really, does she expect to convince a judge or jury that Disney does ANYTHING for free?
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So last year United Airlines took away free alcohol on international flights in coach Now they’re announcing that as of June 1 they’re offering free beer and wine to international economy class passengers. Kind of the airline equivalent of doubling prices before a “Buy one get one free” sale.
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Washington State Auditor Troy Kelley has been indicted on tax-evasion charges. You’d think if nothing else he’d have been smart enough not to get caught.
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So with the Warriors having the best record in the NBA, and the Spurs having the best record over the past few weeks, Vegas has of course made the favorite to win the championship – the Cavaliers. Well, makes sense, they are the closest team to the East Coast.
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Toronto-based Ashley Madison is going public but in England. Going to to be interesting to see how many people buy stock who will swear they never use the website.
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Really? Rush Limbaugh and others are attacking Hillary Clinton for not tipping at Chipotle, and for not introducing herself and mingling with other customers. So a- how many of these folks tip at fast food restaurants, and b- if she HAD gone in and started talking to customers, Clinton would have been accused of disrupting normal Americans’ lunch for a photo op. #canweactuallytalkaboutissues?
If she had left a $20 she’d have been criticized for trying to buy votes. #cantwin
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The NBA playoffs are starting. But to put in perspective how crazily long the process is, if baseball used the same format, the World Series “Fall Classic” could end in December.
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The D.A in the Aaron Hernandez case said “the fact that he was a professional athlete meant nothing in the end.”. True, but had Hernandez not been an athlete they’d have locked him up and thrown away the key a long time ago. Instead of after a months long trial with the best defense money could buy.
#BruceBochy turned 60 today. As the #SFGiants and #DBacks game goes into the 12th, right about now he’s got to be feeling 70.
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Some of the younger generation may find it hard to imagine travelling without cellphones. But just as hard to imagine now travelling with luggage without wheels.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Apple jokes, Chipotle jokes, Chris Christie jokes, Disney jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, rush limbauh jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 