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$unny day.

August 13, 2015

Sesame Street is moving to HBO. So the show will now be brought to you by the letter $.

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The outlet mall in Livermore, California is expanding and has renamed itself “San Francisco Premium Outlets.” Well, at about 45 miles from the city it’s no further away than the “SF” 49ers.

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Carly Fiorina is going to solve the maternity leave problem in the U.S! In her own words by making the economy “so strong that employers are forced to compete for workers by offering better salaries, better leave policies, more time off, and good benefits.”
And no doubt many of those workers will be with military contractors developing flying pigs.

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The A’s are having Mark McGwire bobblehead night next Tuesday. Does it come in two sizes, “before” and “after”?

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Vernon Adams finally completed his undergraduate degree from Eastern Washington so he can play this fall for Oregon. The Ducks’ expected starting QB passed the final exam today on his second attempt for a math class.

And down in the SEC they’re going “math class?”

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IK Enemkpali has a job in the NFL, Junior Galette has a job in the NFL Greg Hardy has a job in the NFL… Anyone but me thinking that with Ray Rice, who at least does appear to have learned something, the issue isn’t that elevator punch but the step or two he’s lost as a running back?

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The court sketch artist who drew an unflattering picture of Tom Brady now says she is being “cyber-bullied” by Patriots fans. Okay, if you REALLY care about a courtroom sketch to the point of harassing the artist, you probably have too much time on your hands.

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Frontier Airlines is getting rid of their toll-free numbers. Wonder which airline will decide to go them one better by getting rid of phone numbers period?

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Uh, ‪#‎ESPN‬, at this point isn’t “Tiger Struggling” redundant? ‪#‎TigerWoods‬ ‪#‎PGA‬

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A NASA climatologist says that this winter “has the potential of being the Godzilla El Niño,” Bill Patzert, a climatologist with NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory.” Great, so Californians can deal with a drought and flooding at the same time.

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So Buzzfeed is reporting that Al Gore is at least thinking of entering the 2016 Presidential race now. Well, heck, let’s run him against Mitt Romney. “I’ll take two politicians most people just want to go away for $1000, Alex.”

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Wisconsin men’s basketball coach Bo Ryan announced in June that he would retire after the 2015-16 season. Now he says “I’m not totally sure, ” and adds that the AD “said I could change my mind at any time.”

“Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.

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Next stop, the Supremes? A Colorado court has ruled that a baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple cannot use his Christian beliefs as a defense. You know, I would have a lot more sympathy for these religious folks if they also made an effort not to bake cakes for couples who live together before marriage, or who met while one was already married, etc.

From T.C. “MetLife Stadium has gone totally wireless, except one QB’s jaw.”

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Troubled water?

August 12, 2015

In an effort to conserve water, Los Angeles poured almost 100,000 four-inch black plastic “shade” balls over their reservoir. So the city doesn’t have the Raiders yet, but the “black hole” is ready

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This Donald Trump-Megyn Kelly back and forth bickering is getting so bad, you’d think they used to be married to each other.

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So since Fox News got such kudos for the tough questions at the first GOP debate, clearly the pressure is on CNN for October with the Democrats. And since he’s not doing anything, can I suggest as a moderator Jon Stewart?

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Billy Joel, 66, and his wife Alexa, 33, have welcomed their first child, Della Rose. Wonder how long until Billy and Della can compete in their first father-daughter diaper derby.

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Uzbekistan Airways says they will start weighing passengers at the airport, and on some flights they may need to “exclude” larger passengers. U.S airlines are no doubt studying the idea, not to exclude heavier travelers but to charge them extra.

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Not that it affects me anymore, but what is this “back-to-school” crap in mid-August? Used to be Labor Day. Seems un-American to make kids go to class in the summer. ‪#‎justsayin‬

 

Donald Trump said that when Bernie Sanders let ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ protesters take his microphone that Sanders “showed that he’s weak.” As opposed to the Donald himself whose mantra is simply ‪#‎MyLifeMatters‬.

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The Buffalo Bills have claimed IK Enemkpali off waivers after he was released by the Jets for punching Geno Smith. Guess coach Rex Ryan just wants to make sure he has one defender who can hit?

 

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An ESPN poll of more than 100 currently players found that 72% believe that Brady and the Patriots deflated footballs, but only 58% DON’T believe the Patriots cheat. Translation, sounds like there are a lot of teams messing with balls.

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An SF 49ers season ticket holder is suing the team over a new policy which makes it harder on fans trying to sell unused tickets by requiring most sales to go through Ticketmaster.

Wonder how long it might take for 49ers season ticket holder to sue the team over it being harder to sell unused  tickets because of the product on the field.

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Major layoffs have started with the Kraft-Heinz merger. Hope Heinz 57 isn’t a goal for remaining number of employees.

 

Seriously hoping for the best for ‪#‎JimmyCarter‬.. Absolutely our best ex-president. No joke.

 

Lots of accolades for former President Jimmy Carter today after his cancer announcement. But for those who just think Habitat for Humanity and vague do-good human rights stuff, four words – google “Carter guinea worm.”

 

From Bill Littlejohn, “So now, we have a wild controversy involving Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly of Fox News.With all of that hairspray involved, shouldn’t the NFL also be investigating a helmet-to-helmet collision.”

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High crimes and misdemeanors?

August 11, 2015

Scientists have found possible marijuana residue in William Shakespeare’s pipes. So maybe what the playwright meant to write was “Doobie or not doobie?”

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You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up: Geno Smith will be out 10 weeks with a broken jaw after he was punched by a NY Jets teammate?! ‪#‎thecircushascometotown‬

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Ah nostalgia. Remember the days when NY Jets fans were worried that Tim Tebow was going to be their biggest quarterback distraction?

Happiest people over the Jets’ releasing Ikemefuna Enemkpali for breaking Geno Smith’s jaw? New York copy editors who no longer have to spell Ikemefuna Enemkpali

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Could have been worse ‪#‎49ers‬ fans, at least ‪#‎AldonSmith‬ didn’t punch ‪#‎ColinKaepernick‬ on his way out.

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Bus to hell time. SF Chronicle headline “Homicide eyed in mysterious San Francisco dismembered body case.” Well, sure doesn’t seem likely it was suicide.

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Eagles fans have started a petition for the Pope to bless Sam Bradford’s knees when he visits Philadelphia this September. Because asking for a miracle cure for the Phillies is above even a Papal pay grade?

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The DOT says that passengers have filed 20% more complaints against U.S. airlines in 2015. The numbers might be higher if travelers were able to access the internet while they are in their seats stuck on the tarmac.

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Give Donald Trump credit for one huge achievement. He made a blonde woman from Fox one of the most respected news people in the country.

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A young Trump supporter in Texas referred to the Donald as “the Kanye West of politics.” More like “the Kimye of politics”.  With Trump you get both Kanye’s ego along with a big ass.

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A mother was arrested for allegedly leaving her kids in car while she drank in a bar. Now police say she had her son, 4, blow into the breathalyzer to start the car. Thinking enough to be that creative but not thinking enough to call a babysitter and a cab? Even by Florida standards this is impressive. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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The DOT says that passengers have filed 20% more complaints against U.S. airlines in 2015. The numbers might be higher if travelers were able to access the internet while they are in their seats stuck on the tarmac.

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11pm on a weeknight. Time to switch to Comedy Cellar for my Jon Stewart fix…… ‪#‎sayitaintso‬

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Stupid is as stupid does….. and you can’t fix it.

August 10, 2015

You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up. Now Michigan State Rep. Todd Courser, who allegedly tried to cover up an affair by sending a fake email accusing himself of paying a male prostitute, is saying he will not resign. Courser says he will stay on to expose “political shenanigans” in the Capitol, that he only sent the email because he was being blackmailed, and that the Lansing “mafia” establishment is out to get him.

This guy is delusional enough you have to wonder if his next step is to declare for the 2016 GOP Presidential nomination.

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A man who was arrested 2 weeks ago for joy-riding on a jail lawn was arrested again today, for doing the same thing, on the same lawn. Do I even have to write that this is a Florida story? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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Meanwhile, a reporter asked Andrew Luck who his fastest teammate was, and the Colts QB responded “That’s like asking a parent who their favorite kid is.”   These Stanford kids aren’t stupid.

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Leaving aside issues like actually running the country, anyone but me think you could make serious pay-per-view money on a Bernie Sanders-Donald Trump debate?

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The younger generation may not understand all the tributes pouring in for Frank Gifford, who started with Howard Cosell and Don Meredith on Monday Night Football in 1971. Mostly because these days it’s hard to imagine only one night a week for NFL football.

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Yellowstone rangers have captured a bear that allegedly killed a hiker Friday. They will do DNA tests, and if they get positive identification, “she will be euthanized because of the facts that she was feeding on the person.”

Makes some sense as a predatory bear is dangerous, but, hey, unlike some human hunters at least she was actually eating what she killed.

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The Red Sox have announced that closer Koji Uehara has fractured his wrist and will miss the rest of the season. Well, not like Boston was giving him many games to close anyway.

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Okay, Donald Trump is an ass, and insults women. Got it. Meanwhile other GOP candidates, yes, I am talking about you Scott Walker and Marco Rubio, won’t even declare they would allow abortions to save the life of the mother. ‪#‎priorities‬?

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Oops, Disney Japan attempted to send out a “Merry Unbirthday” tweet from Alice in Wonderland, and managed to translate it as “Congratulations on your not special day.” This on the anniversary of the atom bomb being dropped on Nagasaki.

Sounds like a Mickey Mouse translating operation.

#Cantfixstupid, California division.

The SF Chronicle reported San Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi’s driver’s license has been suspended since February after he didn’t notify the DMV about a non-injury car accident he was involved in last October. And the newspaper says as of today, he “Mirkarami still had neither filed the required accident report nor provided proof of insurance as required under law, state records show. He had also not paid the $55 fee to regain his full driving privileges, the records show.”

And why should he know the laws? He’s only the sheriff.

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Reservations?

August 9, 2015

After the Pittsburgh Pirates scored 9 runs in the 7th inning against the Dodgers bullpen, beginning to look like biggest competition between SF and LA in October might be over best airline/hotel rates for a vacation in Hawaii.

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Seventeen GOP candidates running for President. And after last Thursday’s debates a lot of Americans are thinking “can’t we have a few more choices?”

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Carly Fiorina talking about being a supporter of women’s rights makes as much sense as Bristol Palin being an abstinence spokeswoman.

And Carly Fiorina said today she opposes mandatory paid maternity leave. Proving again that the only women’s rights Fiorina really supports are her own.

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Thinking if Donald Trump really wants to attract independent voters, he’d lay off Megyn Kelly and start going after Ann Coulter.

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New NBC GOP Presidential primary poll: Trump – 23%, Carson – 11%, Fiorina and Rubio 8% each. I’ll take “Four people who will never be President for $800, Alex.”

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#‎WrigleyField‬ was just evacuated after a bomb threat. Fortunately the threat turned out to be as nonexistent as today’s ‪#‎SFGiants‬ offense.

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At Yankee Stadium, a fan threw a home run ball from Toronto’s Jose Bautista back onto the field and it hit NY outfielder Brett Gardner. Gardner was uninjured. These days the way things are going for SF Giants – three starters injured on a 10 game road trip,  had one of their fans done the same thing, they’d have hit Pence and put him on the DL.

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#SFGiants didn’t get all the players they wanted at the trade deadline, and this odd year doesn’t look like their year. On the other ,hand, watching the Pirates score 9 runs in the 7th inning, 8 against Jim Johnson who the #Dodgers basically bought from the Braves by taking on contracts.. ah, #schadenfreude.

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But, Duane Kuiper saying that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ caught a break with the weather on this Chicago trip. Thinking more of a break might have been to have had the entire series rained out.

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The Redskins and Texans ended up in a brawl after their three-day joint practice. Shame most Washington fans didn’t see it, might be the best hits their team will get in all year.

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So a ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ group disrupted a Bernie Sanders event. Isn’t that like a White Supremacist group disrupting a GOP Presidential Debate?  Or an anti-abortion group doing the same thing?

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Trumped up?

August 9, 2015

Donald Trump’s top advisor, Roger Stone, either has quit or been fired, and is saying Trump is ‘losing grip on reality.” Really?! Donald Trump ever had a grip on reality?

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Some in the GOP are furious about Donald Trump’s crude comments about Megyn Kelly. Thinking if Trump really wants the Republican nomination that he should know better – such comments should be about Hillary.

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QB Geno Smith, booed by NY fans at the Jets’ first publlc scrimmage, says he “thrives on adversity.”. If true Smith should have been the NFL MVP by now.

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Saturday was ‪#‎InternationalCatDay‬ And cats are sniffing “Isn’t EVERY day #InternationalCatDay ?

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Texas pastor Joel Osteen  apparently sold out AT&T Park Saturday nightA. Well, good for him, but these days any SF Giants pitcher besides Madison Bumgarner can get 40,000 plus people there praying.

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Obama just arrived for his vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. Cue the outrage. How dare the President and his family vacation on a small mostly upscale island? They should go somewhere like Disney World or San Diego or Virginia Beach and ruin the vacations of millions of average Americans.

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The Houston Texans’ Arian Foster says he doesn’t believe in God. Seems fair, given their 88-120 lifetime record, God doesn’t probably believe in the Texans either.

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B/E Aerospace has developed a new airline seat that can be adjusted to roll forward or back depending on passengers’ height, so say, someone sitting in front of a child could have their seat moved back for more leg room. Wonder which airline might try it first, along with the “sit-in-front-of-a-short-person” fee.

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If the ‪#‎BlueJays‬ can somehow catch the ‪#‎Yankees‬ will they become the first Canadian ‪#‎AmericasTeam‬?

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In Yakima, Washington, officials want a former city employee to pay back $757.40 she spent on gourmet cupcakes for her own farewell party. $757.40?! In some fancy SF cafes that’s almost a dozen cupcakes.

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Rough week for ‪#‎SFGiants‬, but just think how much different things might be if the team had been able to retain ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬…

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Time for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to start kangaroo court fines for all pitchers who throw 0-2 pitches in the strike zone?

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One of the great things about baseball, is that even when your team is s*cking up the place, you can usually find pleasure in watching at least one team you dislike lose. ‪#‎BeatLA‬ ‪#‎BeattheYankees

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Add Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Francisco Liriano to the list of MLB players with more home runs than Angel Pagan. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Poweroutage‬

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Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says there will be no government shutdown this September over Planned Parenthood. Wonder if it’s just a coincidence that McConnell has two daughters

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Missing Jon already

August 7, 2015

Perhaps the highest tribute I can pay to Jon Stewart is that it is now hard to imagine the news without Jon Stewart.

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We opine about who might be the next Jon Stewart. But before Jon Stewart we didn’t know there was that position to be filled.

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Tuesday – SF 49ers GM Trent Baalke “Aldon’s like any young player, he’s growing up, he’s maturing. You see that with a lot of these guys…” Friday – Aldon Smith has been arrested for a third DUI in four years, along with alleged hit and run and vandalism. So how about those Raiders?

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The SF 49ers have now released their All-Pro pash rusher Aldon Smith. Too soon to start a pool on what defensively-challenged team will decide this young man deserves a fifth or sixth chance?

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The San Francisco 49ers have canceled plans to allow 20,000 fans to watch the team practice at Levi’s Stadium Sunday, due to poor turf conditions and thus the field not being ready. And 40 miles north, it might be the wind, or you might hear the ghost of Candlestick Park laughing.

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The turf at Levi’s Stadium is looking like a serious long-term problem. Fortunately the 49ers seem certain to give the field a long break from usage in the playoff weeks leading up to the 2016 Super Bowl.

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Vanderbilt University has pulled a tweet with the football slogan “We Don’t Need Your Permission.” And they’re supposed to be the smart ones in the SEC?

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West plan to name their new son “Easton.” I see a new marketing opportunity with Southwest Airlines. ‪#‎wannagetaway‬

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So last night’s GOP debate was the most watched primary debate ever. Now it’s making sense; more people tuned in to see Trump than were probably watching his “Apprentice” TV shows.

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Who won the first ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ debate? Answer seems pretty obvious – advertisers on FOX News. ‪#‎ratings‬

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John Kasich said last night that while he believes in “traditional marriage” he accepts the Supreme Court decision, and actually recently went to the wedding of a gay friend. Is Kasich trying hard to prove he is too reasonable to get the GOP nomination?

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For anyone who didn’t know Carly Fiorina before yesterday and was impressed by her debate performance, three words: Google “demon sheep”

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#‎UniversityofMinnesota‬ AD resigned after being accused by co-workers of groping and sexting them. Cue “Golden Groper” jokes. ‪#‎goldengophers‬

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A belated suggestion for Chris Christie when Rand Paul slammed him for giving Obama a “big hug.” So why didn’t  the NJ Governor turn around and answer “Senator, when the President of the United States shows up in your state after a major natural disaster, bringing money and the Federal government’s resources to help, the question should be, why DON’T you hug him or her. Because that is no time for partisan politics.”

The US Coast Guard caught a semi-submersible vessel and seized six tons of cocaine off the coast of Mexico. Although they admittedly lost two more tons of the coke while trying to tow the sub ashore. Sounds like it’s going to be a high tide.

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Donald Trump’s campaign now says they believe Fox News is part of ‘an organized attack’ designed to stop his ‘movement.’ Oh, this awful GOP on GOP violence. (No, I can’t quite say that with a straight face. )

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In Michigan.  State Rep. Todd Courser was allegedly having an affair with Rep. Cindy Gamrat. Both are “family values” Republicans married to other people. So just your average political hypocrisy.

But now Mr .Courser is alleged to used taxpayer money to have come up with a fake email alleging he had sex with a male prostitute. The idea being to create a “complete smear campaign”, which could be debunked, and would then make the actual affair seem “mild by comparison.” ‪#‎youREALLYcannotmakethisstuffup‬

From my funny friend, Alex Kaseberg,   “A new poll has Eleanor Roosevelt as the top choice to be the woman on the $10. Of course Kanye West thinks it should be Beyonce.”

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Up for debate

August 6, 2015

For television viewers, Wednesday night on NBC was “America’s Got Talent.” Thursday night the debate on Fox was the rebuttal.

The Fox News GOP debate was at Quicken Loans Arena, home of the Cleveland Cavaliers.  And much of it was as painful to watch as Lebron’s “The Decision.”

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To be fair, Donald Trump says he wanted the GOP debate tonight to be on a “high level.” As in you needed to be high to watch it?

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Carly Fiorina, at the “kid’s table” debate. “. “[T]he potential of this nation and too many Americans is being crushed by the weight, the power, the cost, the complexity, the ineptitude, the corruption of the federal government.” And if elected I promise to do for America what I did for Hewlett Packard…. Oh wait, never mind.

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A few of the exchanges between, for example, Chris Christie‬ and Rand #‎Paul‬ made me almost sorry that this ‪#‎GOPDebate‬ was probably a gun-free zone.

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Wonder how many GOP voters watched the debate and were wishing they could vote for ‪#‎MegynKelly‬. ‪

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#‎Trump‬ invokes ‪#‎RonaldReagan‬. Is ‪#‎Reagan‬ rolling over in grave or laughing becuz he knows he was much less conservative than his disciples

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Scott Walker talking about unborn children needing to be protected. And of course the Wisconsin governor has fought his own party over cutting $238,000 million for child advocacy centers. Oh wait, the GOP over-ruled him, they REINSTATED money Walker wanted to cut. ‪#‎nevermind‬

Mike Huckabee “The purpose of the military is kill people and break things.” Somewhere Teddy Roosevelt IS rolling over in his grave. ‪#‎speaksoftlykillpeopleandbreakthings‬? ‪#‎GOPDebate‬

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Boston mayor Martin J. Walsh wants to ban chewing tobacco from all ballparks in the city, amateur and professional. Well, with this year’s Red Sox team Walsh doesn’t need to add that “professional” part.

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Two men were arrested at an Iowa Taco Bell and charged with allegedly manufacturing methamphetamine in the restaurant. Stand by for the AMC sequel “Breaking Wind.”

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President Obama today warned it’s either the Iran deal, or “some sort of war.” And many Republicans responded “You say ‘war” like it’s a bad thing.”

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Arby’s ran ads on the penultimate “Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” despite all the knocks the comedian has given them over the years. Well, makes a certain about of sense, with Stewart everyone knew Arby’s was still in business.

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A Regent Seven Seas 128 day around-the-world cruise, costing more than $100,000 a couple, had 70% percent of the cabins booked on the first day of sales. The company president stated this was a testament to their belief that “guests … want unique, different, and rich destination experiences.” Well, “rich” for sure.

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Now it’s come out that Russians apparently hacked some Pentagon emails. Hillary Clinton might be looking smarter and smarter with that private server.

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No lyin -Great thought from Paul Chessin, brother of my FB friend Steve: “So, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service wants to talk to Dr. Walter Palmer but can’t find him because he’s “hiding”? Maybe they should get a trophy game animal, put it in a car, and, you know, lure him out.”

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A tall order?

August 5, 2015

There are now rumors that Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is thinking of running for President. No word yet on a timetable, as Schultz knows it’s a venti decision.

–skeeter

For SF Giants fans who really miss Pablo Sandoval, rookie Matt Duffy does have this cat.  Skeeter. Not photoshopped.   Maybe SF Giants fans need Skeeter hats?

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Shelby Tomlinson and Matt Duffy apparently were housemates at AA Richmond last year.  The two of them together might have equaled one Panda.

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Kobe Bryant says the Lakers “absolutely” can make the playoffs this year. The NBA playoffs? Or the NCAA tournament?

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CVS says they will no longer include Viagra in its list of drug insurance benefits. The drugstore chain presumably thought it it wasn’t a hard decision.

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Bill GM Doug Whaley said that Buffalo is “almost in quarterback purgatory” because the team do not have a franchise quarterback. And Jets fans after the last few years are thinking “Hmm, purgatory is a step up from hell.”

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Some outrage over a hospital picture of Bobbi Kristina being on the cover of the National Enquirer. Alas probably the biggest outrage from competing media who didn’t get the photo.

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Whole Foods has pulled $5.99 bottles of “asparagus water” from the shelves of a store in California, saying the items were a mistake. Nope, the mistake would have been actually buying the water.

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So Carly Fiorina, despite being the only woman running for the GOP presidential nomination, is polling about 1% and will not be eligible for the first debate. 1%? Who knew most of the Republican electorate knows someone who worked at Hewlett Packard?

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Teachers unions are demanding an apology after Chris Christie said they deserve “a punch in the face.” In the N.J. Governor’s defense, maybe people will believe him if he says he was talking about punch and cookies.

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A U.S.Circuit Court of Appeals struck down a Texas law requiring residents to show ID before voting, saying it violates the Voting Rights Act. They’ll never please everyone, but maybe Texas could just write a law with the exact same requirements to vote as to buy a gun?

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So the man who was shot and killed by police in a Nashville theater after attacking patrons, apparently had only been able to obtain pepper spray, a hatchet, and an air gun. So where’s the NRA on this one? ‪#‎Ifonlyhehadbeenarmed‬

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From Bill Littlejohn “Yasiel Puig credits videogames with helping to end his slump.  Although fellow Dodgers are complaining about him flipping the joystick.”

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It’s not easy being green in a rainbow?

August 4, 2015

Kermit the Frog has announced a decision to split with his partner Miss Piggy. Wow. This legalization of Itgay marriage is destroying relationships faster than we thought.

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Jeb Bush “”I’m not sure we need a half-billion dollars for women’s health issues.” Yeah, Jeb, you’re right. We need a lot more. ‪#‎clueless‬

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So Fox News has picked their top 10 for the first debate. And Rick Perry is the 11th man. So did those glasses not make him look smart enough?. Or did they make him look too smart for GOP primary voters?

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Joe Biden’s sister on his possible run for the Presidency in 2016. “He’ll decide when he decides.” And as anyone who’s ever heard Joe speak knows, Biden doesn’t do ANYTHING quickly.

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AT&T reporting widespread cellphone and internet outages in the Southeast Tuesday. The horror! Many teenagers and millennials were forced actually to talk to each other.

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Donald Trump now says he supports shutting down the government as a way to defund Planned Parenthood. Yeah, well he can talk, Trump already had that furry thing that lives on his head spayed.-

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Chris Christie had a New Hampshire town hall today in Manchester, choosing to locate it at Blake’s Restaurant & Creamery, a long-time local favorite featuring premium ice cream. Well, of course he did.

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Donald Trump is now insisting that not only will he build a wall at the Mexican border, he will get Mexico to pay for it. The Donald seems pretty sure he can order other countries around.  But beginning to get a sense this man has never watched C-Span.

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A 21 year old Florida man tried to rob a small church he occasionally attended with his parents during the sermon. The man pointed a BB gun at the pastor’s mother but was overpowered by fellow parishioners and arrested.

Said the Pastor – “Why did it happen? We’re targets. The whole mentality about Christianity has radically shifted.”

Or maybe because the whole mentality about mental health has shifted to “if it ain’t broke to the point of catastrophe, don’t fix it.”

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A KKK member attended a Confederate Flag rally in Georgia wearing FUBU shoes (FUBU is a company created in 1992 by four African American entrepreneurs in NY to encourage black enterprise.) Irony, another of those commie-pinko concepts.

#‎SFGiants‬ are still a long shot to repeat as World Champions, but tonight, down 3-2 after blowing a 2-1 lead in the 7th, after blowing a 6-0 lead last night, was one of those vampire games. ‪#‎refusetodie‬

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Not so hot?

August 3, 2015
A new study says coffee is good for your brain.
Then why doesn’t it tell your brain not to pay $5 for a cup of it?

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Chris Christie dismissed Donald Trump today, and added “You’re telling me it wasn’t this weird when Herman Cain was winning nationally four years ago or Michele Bachman was winning nationally? I mean, this happens.”

Not sure how many GOP voters are tuning in Thursday, but it’s beginning to look like “must-see TV’ for comedy writers and Democrats.

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Eleanor Roosevelt said “Do each day one thing that scares you.” Hmm.   Take two cats by myself to the vet for their annual check-up….  I’m good for today.

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You know, it’s just a hunch. But guessing if I don’t “sign” one of the many birthday cards being pushed by various Democratic groups online for the President, that Barack really isn’t going to miss seeing my name.

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Washington has signed Junior Gallette, released by the Saints over off-field issues and domestic violence allegation. GM Scot McCloughan “The decision was made because we really believe he’s a Redskin and that’s why I signed him.”

“Really believe he’s a Redskin?”   Yeah, that I concur with. Let this year’s circus begin.

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Four home runs for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ in first four innings. And ‪Madison Bumgarner was no doubt bouncing up & down in dugout “Can I pinch hit, can I, can I?”

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Is it just me or is Santiago Casilla starting to remind us more and more of Armando Benitez ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Delta Airlines says they will ban Big Game trophies. So they’ll still be able to fly the Cubs.

(substitute Maple Leafs, Lions or any team of your choosing.)

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Some hunters are defending big game hunts in Africa as essential to conservation. MAYBE, though the idea that you need to shoot anything more than a picture of a big cat makes me personally ill.

But come on, folks. Hunting by luring animals out of a protected area is like taking a rifle to the zoo. And regarding “”ethical, fair-chase safaris,” uh, it’s a fair-chase only if the lion has a gun too.

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So after the controversial edited videos involving fetal tissue, the GOP tried again today to shut down Planned Parenthood, the nation’s largest provider of family planning services. And of course as part of their pro-life platform Republicans also tried to increase funding to help poor women and children…. Oh wait, never mind.

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So while we’re ranting. I think I’ve figured out the agenda for some of these GOP men. 1. Having sex is only a right if you can afford to take care of a child from an unplanned pregnancy. 2. Having a gun is a right, period.

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All downhill from here.

August 2, 2015

American Pharoah today won the $1.75 million Haskell Invitational at Monmouth Park his first race since winning the Belmont. Nice job, but what a comedown, from the Triple Crown to…. New Jersey?

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The benches cleared today in both the Blue Jays-Royals and Pirates-Reds games. Following a similar incident Friday with the Giants and Rangers. No punches thrown at any time but MLB has to be wondering, do they try to come up with penalties to eliminate future near-brawls, or encouragement of them to increase TV ratings.

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A video purported shows Cowboys’ WR Dez Bryant fighting with his teammate Tyler Patmon. Well, training camp hasn’t even finished yet and the Dallas circus appears to be in mid-season form.

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Christopher Green has the best line on the concept of hunting being a sport: “It’s only a sport if there’s a chance you can lose.”

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So when the ‪#‎Angels‬ play the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ do both sides scream ‪#‎BeatLA‬“?

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NY Times is reporting that for the 2016 Presidential race “just 130 or so families and their businesses provided more than half the money raised through June by Republican candidates and their super PACs.” Over $300 million so far. Wonder how many of those millions are being spent to convince voters that those candidates are focused on average Americans.

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So the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ win 9-7 in a game started by Cole Hamels? And then have 8 1/3 scoreless two-hit innings thrown against them by Martin Perez, who came in with a 10.50 ERA and just gave up 9 runs in an INNING to the Yankees. ‪#‎thatsbaseball‬

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Jessica Alba’s “The Honest Company” is now facing criticism over their “Honest 30 SPF Sunscreen,” as consumers are saying it doesn’t work. So along with all the nasty chemicals the company left out of their product, did they also leave out those that actually screen the sun?

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Donald Trump says he wants to be himself during Thursday’s first nationally televised debate. “Oh please oh please,” responded both the Democratic party and advertisers who have bought commercials for the debate. ‪#‎ratings‬

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The Buffalo Bills have suspended offensive line coach Aaron Kromer for six games without pay after Kromer and his son were accused of battery in a July incident over beach chairs. The coach allegedly punched a boy in the face and threatened to kill his family, although charges were dropped this week.
The NFL message is clear, if you commit violence. you’d better be a damn good player to get a reduced suspension or a second chance.

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The makers of Kraft Cheese have recalled 36,000 cases of Kraft Singles over a potential choking hazard with a “thin strip of the individual packaging film (that) may remain adhered to the slice after the wrapper has been removed.” As opposed to the plastic slices themselves?

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TC, on  Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval: “If Panda gets any bigger, Greenpeace will be trying to save him.”

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Bounce back.

August 2, 2015
San Francisco has put a substance on some walls that not only is urine-resistant, it shoots the liquid right back where it came from. Shame there isn’t some equivalent substance that would work on arrows with lions.
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Mixed stories today, though possible good news in the end? Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. But Jericho the lion may still be alive.
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Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has been indicted on multiple felony charges, following upon Gov. Rick Perry’s own indictment in 2014. If this keeps up, Illinois and Louisiana are going to be jealous.
Do I get points for gender equality if I am equally indifferent to MMA even if a woman like Ronda Rousey is involved?
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Boston Red Sox president and Larry Lucchino, whose contract was going to expire at the end of the year, is leaving the team. And season ticket holders are thinking “no fair, how come he gets to leave and we don’t?”
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Great that the Royals and Astros have been playing well enough to be buyers at the trade deadline. And not like most Americans knew any names on the teams anyway.
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Business Insider is reporting that Donald Trump has fired a senior adviser who published “many racist and otherwise offensive Facebook posts”  So did the Donald fire the guy because he thought the posts were wrong, or because Trump didn’t like the competition.
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SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy used Angel Pagan as the DH and wouldn’t let Madison Bumgarner hit Friday night in Texas. Maybe that’s why Madbum had an off-night?
Meanwhile, on Saturday night, Giants pulled out a 9-7 win and made perhaps a few teams happy they didn’t give away the store to trade for Cole Hamels.
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In Ontario, Canada Saturday there was a “Bare With Us” rally about women’s right to go topless. And in the U.S. millions of men who might not be in favor of universal healthcare or gun control are thinking, maybe those Canadians are onto something.

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So, okay, I get the need for some hunting to “cull the herds” and I get eating what you kill, even I want no part of it personally.

But when these folks brag about their great kills – uh, let’s see, you have a gun, the animals have nothing. Not exactly a fair fight. ‪#‎compensation‬?

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From Marc Ragovin “I beg your pardon. Did you just say Lynn Anderson died? (just another reason why I am going straight to hell)”

Well, you got to figure her funeral will be enough roses for a serious garden.

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No cash and carry

July 31, 2015

Rumors were flying that the SD Padres were negotiating with the Boston Red Sox over Pablo Sandoval. Guess that deal collapsed of its own weight?

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The Indians have traded relief pitcher Marc Rzepczynski to the Padres. Not sure how Cleveland fans feel about losing Rzepczynski, but Cleveland copy editors are ecstatic.

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Hottest accessory in MLB clubhouses tomorrow – badges saying “Hi, my name is….” ‪#‎tradedeadline‬

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How rich are the Dodgers? They took on $42 million in payroll at the trade deadline for players they won’t even play, to get the players they do want. Who spends that kind of money to buy people you don’t even need. Outside of politics, that is.

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-Looks like ‪#‎San DiegoPadres‬ managed the trade deadline about as well as they’ve managed everything else this season.

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California, the birthplace of invention. The Palo Alto Daily Post reports a Redwood City, CA, man is suspected of shoplifting after he came out of a store restroom looking intoxicated, and an empty six pack was found inside.

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Fox has cancelled Ryan Seacrest’s new reality TV series “Knock Knock Live” Shocking. Ryan Secrest had a series named “Knock Knock Live.”

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Well this is going to be interesting. Ray Tensing, the University of Cincinnati cop who shot Samuel Dubose, has had his union file a grievance to get his job back, claiming he was unjustly fired. What’s going to be weirder, watching some conservatives support the union, or some liberals fight against them?

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Jim Harbaugh said in a press conference he’s just striving to coach the football team., and doesn’t want to be popular. Well, as Stanford and the 49ers can attest, Harbaugh should soon do a good job with both objectives

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WWE star pro wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper, has died at the age of 61. Now, wrestling is NOT my thing. But, seriously, doing the math, this sport is worse for longevity than pro football. Time to look at what is causing it?

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As the calls go for Walter Palmer to be extradited to Zimbabwe over poaching charges,  nice to know there are some U.S. lawyers who won’t touch this case. #bettertokillyyourgirlfriendthanalion

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So all these stores about Minnesota dentist Walter Palmer and Cecil the Lion keep on getting worse. Seriously, if you are some rich guy who just wants to prove how close you can get to a majestic beast, why not just buy an expensive camera?

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Palmer is so unpopular Donald Trump is looking at the dentist both as a possible running mate and assassination insurance.

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Trading places

July 30, 2015

‪The New York Mets‬‘ Wilmer Flores cried on the field Thursday night thinking he was traded. But social media turned out to be wrong.  Wonder how many  Phillies‬ will cry Friday night realizing they HAVEN’T been traded.

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A day after they had their shortstop in tears over a trade that didn’t happen, the Mets blew a 6 run lead and had to sit through four hours of rain delays in losing to the Padres 8-7. Maybe God doesn’t like crying in baseball.

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Money money money money….. From the LA Times, with the trade of Hector Olivera, in 2015 alone, “the Dodgers would pay seven players — Olivera, Matt Kemp, Dan Haren, Dee Gordon, Brian Wilson, Brandon League and Ryan Webb — $80 million not to play for them. The Tampa Bay Rays had an opening-day payroll of $76 million”

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The LA Dodgers did get Mat Latos. Well, it’s a good fit. He will show up for his first pitching appearance at AT&T Park with a ready made booing section. ‪#‎IhateSF‬ ‪#‎Theyhateyoutoo‬

Waiting for Mat Latos to say about his new team, we “went and changed our whole lineup, put guys with ‘Dodgers’ across their jerseys. Yeah, we did.”

(for those who don’t follow baseball, Latos complained loudly in 2010 that the SF Giants had made too many trades in their pursuit of his Padres. With almost the exact same words above.  And then he went out and lost some very big games to SF.)

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Urban Meyer has suspended four players, including star DE Joey Bosa, for Ohio State’s first game against Virginia Tech, due to “violations of athletic department policy,”   Wow. So Meyer figure out a way to wait to suspend them until the Buckeyes’ second game against Hawaii?   The Hokies must not have much of a team this year.

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Looks like there may finally be some sad closure for MH 370. Over at CNN they’re trying not to be too gleeful over the possibility of another month at least of “Special Reports.”

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Jose Canseco says that to show his support for Caitlyn Jenner he “will be dressing up and living as a woman for a week,” And he will feature his week as a woman on his new internet show “Spend a Day with Jose.”

Canseco is not trying to be Caitlyn Jenner, he’s trying to be a Kardashian. ‪#‎publicitywhore‬

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Many people are still stunned by the news that Patriots Tom Brady actually thought it was a good idea to destroy his phone. Of course, Brady didn’t have the option to hand it off to Marshawn Lynch.

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A new Presidential election poll says Bernie Sanders would beat Donald Trump. Heck, Jed Bartlett would beat Trump. Come to think of it, what is Martin Sheen doing these days?

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Now the U.S. Government is getting involved. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service tweeted today – “We’re investigating the killing of ‪#‎CecilTheLion‬. Will go where facts lead. We ask Dr. Palmer or his rep to contact USFWS immediately.”

As awful as the story is, maybe it will lead to changes. Certainly it’s got to be one of the few times when the Obama administration has at least 80% bipartisan agreement in this country.

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Okay, leaving aside the serious larger issues, have to wonder, how were the University of Cincinnati cops dumb enough both to KNOW the shooting of Samuel DuBose was on video tape with an audio, and still to think they’d get away with lying? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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Headline competition

July 29, 2015

A scumbag hunter illegally kills a beloved lion, the NFL upholds golden boy Tom Brady’s suspension after the QB destroys his cellphone, and now wreckage has been found from a plane that might be MH370.

Donald Trump’s going to have to outdo himself to make headlines today.

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No one is saying that deflating a football is like hitting a woman. Even when it’s done by an organization with a history of bending the rules. And the Colts were going to lose if Brady threw actual bricks. But McGovern was going to lose in 1972 too. The cover up is ALWAYS worse than the crime. ‪#‎whenwilltheyeverlearn‬?

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Patriots owner, Robert Kraft, complaining that he was “wrong to put his faith in the league.” “I was willing to accept the harshest penalty in the history of the NFL for an alleged ball violation, because I believed it would help exonerate Tom.”

Uh, sir, it is the ONLY penalty in the history of the NFL for an alleged ball violation. ‪#‎whenyoureinaholestopdigging‬

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Jerry Jones says that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is doing “an outstanding job.” I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the 4th and last game of Brady’s suspension is scheduled to be against the Dallas Cowboys.

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Conventional wisdom aside, the ‪#‎MLBTradeDeadline‬ is much more fun than the ‪#‎NFLDraft‬.

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So now that he’s with Toronto ‪#‎BlueJays‬, will the star shortstop be known as Troy Tulowitzk-eh? ‪#‎TuloTrade‬

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SF Giants having an online sale which includes a lot of Sandoval World Series 2014 merchandise. Prices on gear might be the only thing connected with the Panda that are shrinking this year. Okay, besides his offensive numbers….

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There are now reports that United Airlines was hacked around the same time as Anthem and the U.S. Office of Personnel Management. A United spokesman said that it was ‘pure speculation,” and “we can assure our customers that their personal information is secure. We remain vigilant in protecting against unauthorized access and use top advisors and best practices on cyber-security to maintain our effectiveness.”

The same “best practices” they use for their reservations system? ‪#‎andhesaiditwithastraightface‬

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Linda Tripp (google her, youngsters), says she is risking her wonderful family life now to speak out against Hillary Clinton, an ambitious liar who “will stop at nothing to achieve her end.” Tripp said: ‘I regret what I put my children through. I regret very much that they had to endure that level of vitriol but would I do it again? Yes….My civil service career, well over 20 years at that time, meant a sense of loyalty, patriotic duty and honor. I sincerely cared about the integrity of the country’s leadership.’
If anyone in the world could make Hillary Clinton come off as sympathetic, it’s Linda Tripp.

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Well, that didn’t take long.. Marco Rubio tweeting today “look at all this outrage over a dead lion, but where is all the outrage over the planned parenthood dead babies.”

Well, while we’re at it where’s Rubio’s outrage over…mass shooting victims, soldiers killed in unnecessary wars, people who die without healthcare…. For starters.

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From Marc Ragovin “The Yankees beat the Rangers 21-5 the other day, making it the first time in MLB history that the ump asked a manager whether he wanted to hit or stick. “.

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On  a serious note, thinking all citizens and most police officers should be very grateful to whoever first came up with the idea of police video body cams.

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Tommy don’t lose that number?

July 28, 2015

So why would an intelligent man destroy a cell phone when it absolutely would make him look guilty? If the messages destroyed would make him look worse. ‪#‎TomBrady‬

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But really, don’t we all want to destroy our phones when we get a new one?  Because it’s so much fun re entering all those apps, contact information, bookmarks…

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The “Bachelorette” is finally over. But after weeks of guilty fun watching a couple dozen crazy contestants whittled down to a winner, for a relationship not even based in reality, well, Americans still have the GOP primary.

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Donald Trump is now saying he’d “love” to have Sarah Palin have some sort of position in his administration. That’s bold. Trump isn’t afraid Palin would take a shot at that furry thing that lives on his head?”

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LaTroy Hawkins, 42, has been sent to Toronto along with Troy Tulowitzki. Bit of a waste. Hawkins gets to Canada and universal healthcare just before he becomes eligible for Medicare.

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So Drew Storen has a 1.73 ERA and 29 saves out of 31 chances. And the Washington Nationals decide to bolster their playoff chances by adding… a temperamental closer (Papelbon). Same brilliant logic that had the team shut down Strasburg a few years back.

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The Mets’ Jenrry Mejia, is now suspended 162 games for his 2nd failed PED test. Once you might think you’re invulnerable. The second time? Proves again that MLB drug testing is also an IQ test. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Boston claimed Jean Machi off waivers Tuesday. Are the Red Sox trying to bolster their struggling bullpen? Or just to pick up a former Giant with experience reducing the amount of food available to Pablo Sandoval at the training table?

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So the hunter who illegally shot Cecil, Zimbabwe’s most famous, and protected. lion, is an American dentist who was put on probation in 2008 for lying about the location where he shot and killed a bear, and who regularly travels the world to shoot big cats, elk, bears, rhinos etc, with a bow and arrow instead of a gun. Why stop there? A real man would face one of these animals with no weapons at all.

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Good. The AP reports “According to Zimbabwe police spokeswoman Charity Charamba, (Minnesota dentist) Walter Palmer will face charges of poaching. It is alleged that Palmer worked with the guides to lure Cecil from the national park to an unprotected area by strapping a “dead animal to their vehicle.” ‪#‎justiceforCecil‬

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Pahk the bid?

July 27, 2015

As the USOC deals with the fallout from losing Boston as the U.S. hope to host the 2024 games, have to ask – “who the heck thought it was a good idea to award the bid to a city with LESS public support and more organized opposition than San Francisco?” ‪#‎nottomentionthatwonderfulBostonsummerweather‬

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The Houston Astros have made Taylor Swift’s move her tour date at Minute Maid Park from Oct. 13 to Sept. 9 because the team may be headed to the playoffs. Wonder how long it will take for Swift to write a bitter song about the brush-off.

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Got to wonder based on preseason polls whether ballparks in Boston and San Diego are now wishing they HAD scheduled Taylor Swift concerts in October.

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Last year Joe Biden compared New York’s  La Guardia Airport to a “Third World Country.”   Monday the VP just unveiled a plan to rebuild La Guardia into a “modern, unifed hub.”  Frequent travelers are wondering… is dynamite involved?

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Scientists are predicting a serious El Nino year in California, with potential flooding but still not an end to the drought. So you still can’t probably take a long shower, but you might be able to take a mud bath in your backyard.

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Cleveland Browns coach Mike Pettine says that Johnny Manziel will start training camp as the team’s backup QB but he could still win the starting job. Let’s hope Manziel doesn’t hear that and take off to a bar to celebrate.

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SF Chronicle has a story headlined “Marissa Mayer’s radical options to save Yahoo.” Here’s a simple radical one: Fix the damn email.

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Okay, I understand that Ray Rice did a very bad thing, on video. But Greg Hardy is playing, Adrian Peterson will be playing. Rice at least appears to be contrite and is doing good anti-violence work with his wife. Is the reason Rice isn’t being signed less his bad behavior than the former Ravens’ RB having lost a step or two?

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Gone guy?

July 26, 2015

Donald Trump says his immigration strategy will be to deport “the bad dudes.” So does the Donald have his own bags packed yet?

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President Obama at a dinner in Kenya “II suspect that some of my critics back home are suspecting that I’m back here to look for my birth certificate.”

Of course not. they think Barack had the birth certificate burned a long time ago.

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Zack Greinke’s scoreless streak is over at 45 2/3 innings. Jacob deGrom got the RBI on a fielder’s choice. Of course, it had to be a pitcher. And Madison Bumgarner is thinking “I would have taken Greinke deep.”

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A woman who won a $188 million lottery jackpot this year in North Carolina was busted this week for marijuana. You’d think with that much money she could afford to move to Colorado.

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Rick Perry thinks “appropriately trained” Americans should be able to bring guns inside movie theaters and churches to defend themselves. I’m sure that’s comforting to the family of the man who was killed last year in a Florida theater by the retired policeman who was upset by his texting.

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The NFL is going to start more serious oversight of football inflation this year, with random halftime and postgame rechecks. Really? They think after actually being caught cheating that the Patriots would ever dare skirt the rules again… Oops, never mind.

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How quickly things change. Was it only a couple months ago that Ted Cruz was the craziest GOP candidate for President?

Sad end to the Bobbi Kristina story today. Although the more you hear about her short life the harder it is to imagine the story ever having a happy ending.

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How quickly things change. Was it only a couple months ago that Ted Cruz was the craziest GOP candidate for President?

Mike Huckabee, criticizing Obama’s foreign policy “It is so naive that he would trust the Iranians. By doing so, he will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven.” So clearly the race is on to out-Trump Trump.

From BIll Littlejohn,  “The Dodgers’; starting pitching beyond Kershaw and Greinke is very suspect. So it’s not ‘Spahn and Sain and pray for rain,’ it’s ‘Clay and Zack, then have a heart attack.

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Old and new school?

July 25, 2015

We can’t agree about much in this country. But after Saturday’s 2-1 SF Giants win where Madison Bumgarner hit a home run…. maybe we can at least talk about the DH?-

Eli Manning has now replaced Rob Lowe in the DirecTV ad campaign. And NY Giants fans are thinking “Wait a minute, haven’t we already seen more than we wanted of “Good  Eli Manning/Bad Eli Manning?”

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The LA Dodgers have apparently told Yasiel Puig that he will not be traded. Maybe because at this point no other team wants the headaches?

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No serious injuries fortunately at a major pool bar fire Saturday night in Las Vegas at the Cosmopolitan Hotel.  Stand by for ads touting “the hottest bar on the strip..”

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Airline math is a strange thing. Qantas is advertising a big Business Class sale for travel to Australia that goes only until July 28, 2015, for travel Nov 1, 2015 to Jan 7, 2016. In the fine print – “14-advance purchase required.” Ya think?

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Front page of NY Times has a story about Hillary Clinton having some classified data on her personal email server, and how they should “never been stored outside of secure government computer systems.” And in the next column a story about serious fears from the data hacked in the major breach at the government Office of Personnel Management.

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And we don’t think professional athletes have problems. Josh Smith, who just signed with the Clippers for the veterans’ minimum, talking about his finances: “At the end of the day, you know, I do have a family. So it is going to be a little harder on me this year. But I’m going to push through it, you know.”
Smith will make $6.9 million this year. ‪#‎myheartbleeds‬

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Just thinking, if the Lafayette killer had tried to go to the Humane Society to adopt a kitten he probably would have been turned down for being too unstable. But he had no problem buying a gun.

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