Archive for June 2015
June 30, 2015
So what will Chris Christie’s campaign slogan be? Suggestion – “Put a real bully in the pulpit.”
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Chris Christie has joined the 2016 Presidential race. Guess he figured the field needed a heavy hitter?
(Yes, Chris Christie fat jokes are like shooting fish in a barrel. If the fish were deep fried and covered with a cream sauce.)
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Open note to both #ChrisChristie & #DonaldTrump – “That word does not mean what you think it means.” #Bullypulpit #princessbride
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Donald Trump has now filed a $500 million lawsuit against Univision after they dropped his pageants. So is that how the Donald plans to deal with all his opponents and our enemies aboard – sue them?
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Some day the NBA is really going to miss Coach Popovich. But fortunately not yet. Pop on free agency, which started at 12:01am Wednesday. “I’m not calling anyone at midnight, I’ll be in bed. And if that’s the difference in someone coming or not coming, then I don’t want them.”
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BJ’s Restaurant & Brewhouse, trying to promote their new quinoa dishes, is offering a $10,000 gift card to the first person who can prove, with a birth certificate, that they have named their baby “Quinoa.” $10,000?! That would barely cover a year’s therapy.
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Daytona International Speedway will give a free U.S. flag to any fan wishing to trade in their Confederate flag this weekend. Who’d a thunk that NASCAR would end up being more sensitive to symbols than the NFL? #Redskins
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At current count “only” five Royals are slated to start the MLB All-Star game. But whatever happens, maybe these Presidential candidates desperate for votes in 2016 should consider hiring a consultant from Kansas City.
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#SFGiants have DFA’d #CaseyMcGehee for a second time in 2015. Do we call this a “Double Play DFA?”
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QB Russell Wilson said in an interview “I’ll play hard for $25 million or for $1.5 million.” And Seahawks management is thinking “Are both of those offers?”
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The Ku Klux Klan plans a July rally protest possibly removing the Confederate flag from South Carolina statehouse grounds. If they feel that strongly about the flag maybe the Klan should head overseas and try to raise it in an ISIS stronghold?
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Open note to anyone asking for a political contribution. “Urgent” in the subject line is effectively a synonym for “Hit the delete button.” #enoughalready
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The University of Missouri at Kansas City paid Chelsea Clinton $65,000, to speak, because they couldn’t afford Hilary’s fee of $275,000. Hmm, if the school could have held out for a few years maybe they could have gotten Charlotte for less.
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One escaped murderer is dead, the other in hospital and in custody. But the FBI is now apparently investigating a possible heroin ring in the New York prison where the two escaped from earlier this month. The surviving convict better stay alive at this point, they’ll need him as a consultant for the movie
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A Louisiana man, unhappy with Walmart’s removing Confederate flags from their stores, went in with a picture of an ISIS flag, and had it put on a cake, then complained in a Youtube video that went viral. Walmart has apologized. “It’s unfortunate one customer thought to take advantage of an associate who did not know the flag and its meaning,”
And some people think it doesn’t matter if all Americans are educated.
From Marc Ragovin “Dwyane Wade has opted out of his contract with the Heat. “I think a lot of teams are going to show interest in him,” said 2009.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, Chris Christie jokes, Christie jokes, Confederate flag jokes, Janice Hough, Nascar jokes, Royals jokes, Trump jokes, Walmart jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 29, 2015
Some may be shocked at the speed at which gay marriage became mainstream. For perhaps a bigger shock in terms of a fast change, yes, this week’s Astros Royals series really could be a preview of the American League Championship Series.
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Regarding this religious objection stuff to judges, clerks and gay marriage…. While I respect people’s right to their religion, what if you are a man whose religion teaches that women are subservient to men? Does that give you a right to disobey or refuse to work for a female boss?
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Donald Trump said that if he is elected President he will change his hair style, because it takes too much time to maintain. Well, that’s good news….. for the furry thing that lives on his head. #goingtoliveforever
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NBCUniversal says the the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants will no longer air on the network. Both pageants have been jointly owned by NBC and Donald Trump. This may be in response to Trump’s recent anti-immigrant comments. Or maybe those pageant ratings were a lot lower than we thought.
Donald Trump’s ranting statement today included this – “If NBC is so weak and so foolish to not understand the serious illegal immigration problem in the United States….” Speaking of serious problems, could Trump not afford a ghostwriter who learned in school not to split an infinitive?
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There’s still talk about how disappointed some NY Knicks fans (and Carmelo Anthony) were with the team’s #1 pick, Kristaps Porzingis. How about a little discussion of how disappointed Pozingis might be to have been drafted by the Knicks?
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Veteran MLB executive Andy MacPhail apparently will join the Philadelphia front office and be introduced as part of “new Phillies’ leadership” today. Except isn’t “Phillies leadership” an oxymoron?
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Police say alcohol was involved in the death of a Michigan man who died when a firework he was holding to his head exploded. #Darwin #Ifonlyhewasarmed
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Oscar De La Hoya, announcing he is NOT coming back out of retirement. “My wife was all for it. But my kids didn’t want to see old Papa get hurt.” Hmm, does that mean his wife did want to see him get hurt…?
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Jimmy Fallon is saying he injured his left hand when he “tripped and caught my fall (good thing)! Ring caught on side of table almost ripped my finger off (bad thing).” And a whole lot of men who lost their marriage excuse because gays can now get married just got another reprieve – “I’d love to honey, but those rings are DANGEROUS.”
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Just wondering, where wasusually very outspoken Darth Vader, excuse me, #DickCheney, on subject of #SupremeCourt upholding gay marriage?
All of these stories and photos of Caitlyn Jenner, 65, in skimpy, and/or really tight clothes. How long before the transgender stuff fades and people start just telling her to dress her age?
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The Supreme Court voted 5-4 today to stay a recent lower court ruling that would have shuttered all but nine Texas abortion clinics. The state already has some of the toughest restrictions in the U.S, half have closed in the last two years.
Just for starters, maybe they could at least have an equivalent waiting period in Texas for having abortions and buying guns.
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BS detector post of the day: Texas Gov. Rick Perry, unhappy with the Supreme Court’s decision to keep abortion clinics open in face of new regulations requiring them to be constructed like surgical centers. “It unnecessarily puts lives in danger by allowing unsafe facilities to continue to perform abortions.”
Uh, if it’s about women’s health, Texas could a) drop “abstinence only” sex education, and cut down on unwanted pregnancies AND STDs, b) fund clinics for low-income women to prescribe and dispense birth control, and c) make it easier to get the “morning-after pill,” which is safer than any medical abortion.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Donald Trump jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, Phillies jokes, Supreme Court jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 29, 2015
Cleaning out the chokes of large steamed artichokes for dinner and thinking that light-colored fuzzy stuff in the center bears a striking resemblance to Donald Trump’s “hair.” #Coincidence?
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Sunday was the Gay Pride parade in S.F. And no doubt the requisite number of tourists will have proclaimed themselves shocked and appalled. So much so that they had to stay until the bitter end to see just how shocking and appalling the event is…..
Two shows lasting over four hours each total for the Grateful Dead at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara. With more fans staying until the end each night than will probably be there in the 4th quarter of this year’s 49er games.
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On the Peninsula south of San Francisco today, Caltrain had plenty of Orange and Black and Rainbows going north for the Giants and Pride Day, then later all the Tie-Dye going south for the Grateful Dead. Not sure if the train set ridership records, but they sure did probably break all existing records for total colors.
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Bristol Palin today “I made a mistake but not the mistake all these giddy a$$holes have loved to assume. This pregnancy was actually planned.” Hmm.. does Bristol think she’s only 17 more children away from her own reality show?
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And let’s give her every benefit of the doubt and assume this “planned” pregnancy is from her former fiance. So the message is, “children need to be conceived within a tradtional marriage. But as soon as you have the engagement ring, it’s open season?”
So is Bristol counting on her children not knowing how to count to 9? Or not having enough sex ed to know gestation times?
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Madison Bumgarner has more home runs this year than Duane Kuiper had in his whole career. #SFGiants
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Maybe Madbum is the reason behind the SFGiants hitting renaissance. Who wants to be shown up by your own pitcher?
Lindsey Graham was the first Republican candidate to say that the GOP would be making a mistake to propose a Constitutional amendment against gay marriage. “I’m shocked,” said nobody.
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Kobe Bryant said in an interview that he’s made some of his teammates cry.. Thought Kobe’s last two-year $48.5 million contract extension has made a LOT of Lakers’ fans cry.
Cincinnati Bengals defensive coordinator Paul Guenther told ESPN that Johnny Manziel should emulate Drew Brees. Well, sure, Manziel is only missing two things – temperament and talent.
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In Texas, the state attorney general said that clerks, judges and justices of the peace opposed to SCOTUS’s “lawless’ opinion still could refuse to issue licenses and perform weddings based on their religious beliefs. Hmm, wonder if those Texans would be more likely to support gay weddings if both participants requested conceal carry licenses at the same time?
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Or if the happy couple showed up with firearms. Talk about a shotgun wedding.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bristol jokes, gay marriage jokes, Gay Pride jokes, GOP jokes, Grateful dead jokes, Janice Hough, madbum jokes, Palin jokes, Pride jokes
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June 27, 2015
A crowd of over 70,000 turned up for the Grateful Dead concert tonight in Santa Clara, California, including many original “Deadhead” fans from the 60s, 70s and 80s, Hope these graying fans weren’t too disappointed when they finally hear how bad the band sounded without benefit of drugs.
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In Las Vegas this morning the longest odds on any baseball team winning today was for the Miami Marlins without Giancarlo Stanton against the Los Angeles Dodgers with Clayton Kershaw on the mound #thatswhytheyplaythegame. (final score, 3-2 Marlins)
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But really? One of the “top stories” headlines on USAToday.com today is “Stanton injury a crushing blow for fantasy owners.” As opposed to a blow to the Marlins, Marlins fans, or baseball fans in general who just like to watch a great player?
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Meanwhile, there needs to be a constitutional amendment banning the wave at A T and T Park. #sfgiants. #thehorror
A Kuwait Airlines plane from New York to Kuwait was forced to make an emergency landing at Heathrow this morning, allegedly because passengers on board had food poisoning. Surely this can’t be serious. It is serious, and don’t call me Shirley…..
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I wanted the Confederate flag down at the South Carolina statehouse as much as anyone. But removing Civil War games because they have images of the flag? Seems a bit too uncomfortably close to banning the “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” because of the language.
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Bill Cosby’s lawyer is arguing that it would be “terribly embarrassing” for the comedian if documents from a 2005 sex-assault lawsuit were unsealed. And his point is?
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And of course Donald Trump had to weigh in on the SCOTUS gay marriage decision – “Once again the Bush appointed Supreme Court Justice John Roberts has let us down. Jeb pushed him hard! Remember!” Well, yeah, because the Donald believes in traditional marriage so much he’s had three of them.
(as a few friends pointed out… Roberts dissented. It’s this kind of attention to detail that should make Trump such a formidable candidate…. for comedy writers at least.)
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30 years later there’s going to be a “Top Gun 2,” with Tom Cruise reprising his role as “Maverick.” So now he’ll be “ridin’ into the danger zone” with his left blinker on.
Bristol Palin’s ex-fiance, Dakota Meyer, had a rhetorical post asking why with three deadly ISIS/ISIL terrorist attacks this week, people are so interested in a “dog and pony show” that is “inconsequential compared to that which is truly relevant.”
Unfortunately for Mr. Meyer, it may be precisely because the “real” news is so awful sometimes, that people are interested in something ridiculous, even if it isn’t amusing to the parties involved. And also in Bristol’s case, because we like seeing Karma in mean bitch mode.
From my SF Giants fan friend Mike Pettengill: “After 76 games:
Pablo Sandoval – 24R + 65H + 6HR + 24RBI + .270Avg + 10E = $17.6m
Matt Duffy – 27R + 63H + 7HR + 36RBI + .294Avg + 6E = $509,000”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Confederate flag jokes, Dodgers jokes, Grateful dead jokes, Janice Hough, Palin jokes, Top gun 2 jokes, Trump jokes
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June 27, 2015
The SF Giants posted this temporary change in their logo today. Clearly not aiming to have more games televised this season on Fox.
Think some of these GOP Presidential candidates might be thinking carefully about going off on the Supreme Court today. They never know when they might need #SCOTUS to deliver them an election.
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Scott Walker is upset about today’s Supreme Court gay marriage decision, lambasting “five unelected judges.” Right, it’s “five unelected judges,” when he doesn’t like the decision, and “defenders of our freedom” for things like Citizens United and Hobby Lobby.
Mike Huckabee “The Supreme Court can no more repeal the laws of nature and nature’s God on marriage than it can the law of gravity.” – Wait a minute, Huckabee believes in gravity?
So trying to think how this gay marriage decision really can hurt any heterosexual couples. Well, except for those procrastinators who were interested in planning last minute summer weddings at popular venues. #competition
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The latest public figure comment on the Confederate flag “I think it’s offensive to an entire race. It does nothing for anybody to be there flying, so I don’t see any reason. It belongs in the history books and that’s about it.”- Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Forget governors and senators, now we’re talking a man Southerners really respect.
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Anheuser-Busch lost a class-action lawsuit over Beck’s beer, and will have to pay customers up to $50 each. The company allegedly tricked customers into paying more for an actual import beer, because the Beck’s label says “originated in Bremen, Germany,” and only in the small print does it say brewed in the US.
Wonder how much Anheuser-Busch will have to pay when some one sues them for selling Bud Light as actual beer.
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Donald Trump will finally report for jury duty in August, after being fined for ignoring five summonses in nine years. Only the little people serve on juries?
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A a news conference, Philadelphia Phillies’ manager, Ryne Sandberg announced he is resigning and leaving the team. And Phillies’ season ticket holders are thinking “you can do that?”
From T.C. Ballot stuffing has resulted in 8 Kansas City starters voted onto the AL All Star team. As the winner of the event gets World Series home games advantage, wouldn’t it be wiser for KC fans to vote in the entire Phillies team instead?
Scott Walker on Wednesday signed two bills, one eliminating a 48 hour waiting period for buying a gun, allowing off-duty or retired police officers to carry concealed weapons at public schools.
Alas, while Google now allows you “un-send” an email sent in anger, they haven’t figured out how to “un-fire” a bullet.
And guess Walker never heard, for one example, of the retired officer in Florida who shot and killed a man for texting in the theater?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: gay marriage jokes, Huckabee jokes, Janice Hough, marriage jokes, rainbow jokes, scalia jokes, SF Giants jokes, Supreme Court jokes
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June 25, 2015
Bristol Palin has just announced that she’s pregnant. Again. Did she sign up for a bulk rate on that “born-again-virginity” deal?
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Good news for #BristolPalin, as an unemployed single-mom-of-two, she’ll still be able to get insurance with #Obamacare.
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#BristolPalin, on 2nd out-of-wedlock pregnancy -“trying to keep [my] chin up on this one.” Uh, keeping her chin up is not the problem. More like legs crossed.
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So the Confederate flag is coming down across the country, and the Supreme Court upheld Obamacare. Is this all just a conspiracy to give Rush Limbaugh a coronary?
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Judge Roberts, in his majority opinion upholding Obamacare did nonetheless chide that ACA is “inartful” and “does not reflect the type of care and deliberation that one might expect of such significant legislation. As my friend Sarah B. said, that’s a more elegant way of saying what he really meant – “PROOF READ YOUR SH*T BEFORE YOU SEND IT TO VOTE FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!!
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Senator Obama voted against the confirmation of Justice John Roberts. Just wondering, has the President issued a private apology?
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Chris Christie will announce Tuesday that he is running for President. How long until the Highway Patrol pulls the clown car off the road for being dangerously overweight?
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A Mountain View, California man who lives near Google has an Airbnb listing for a Coleman tent in his backyard. For $46 a night, or $899 a month. And apparently he’s turning down business. In related news, local R.E.I. stores are reporting a rush on tent sales.
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R.I.P. Patrick Macnee, 93. He will forever be known, as “”that guy who was on the Avengers with the fabulous Diana Rigg.”
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As if we needed more proof that Duke’ Coach K is one of the smartest college coaches ever. Krzyzewski told ESPN that he follows “a lot of people on Twitter. under an alias. I tell my guys, ‘I’m following you.’ Then if I see something, you text them, you gotta watch…”
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Down in Tallahassee, freshman QB De’Andre Johnson has been suspended indefinitely from the football team for allegedly punching a female FSU student at a bar Wed. night when she cut in front of him while ordering drinks. “Indefinitely” meaning Coach Fisher will wait to see how Johnson does in practice before deciding whether to give him another chance?
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San Antonio Spurs continue the tradition of picking players who most Americans have never heard of, with names they can’t spell, from places they can’t find on the a map. And he’ll probably be a star. #NikolaMilutinov
(and follow the pick with a guy from Haiti.)
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From Bill Littlejohn “Report—there are 40 quarterbacks in the NFL that will make more than Russell Wilson this year.Not only that, but 5 QB’s in the SEC, as well.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ACA jokes, Airbnb jokes, Bristol Palin jokes, Chris Christie jokes, Janice Hough, NBA draft jokes, obamacare jokes, Palin jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
June 24, 2015
And so in Alabama, Gov. Robert Bentley just simply ordered the Confederate flag taken down from the Capitol. The most stunning thing about this, no fuss, no muss, no drama – he just had it taken down. What a concept! .
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Who says there’s no hope for our country? The Confederate flag is coming down everywhere, and FOX News has declined to renew Sarah Palin’s $1 million-a-year contract as a contributor.
Just in case anyone thought we were having too much of a epidemic of sanity on the Confederate flag issue, I give you Ann Coulter, who is upset with Nikki Haley: “I’m appalled…though on the other hand, she is an immigrant and does not understand America’s history.” (Haley was born in Bamberg, South Carolina.)
Although suppose Coulter might be tangentially onto something. As an alien Ann herself doesn’t really understand humans.
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Apparently since no other candidate has broken out of the pack, Bobby Jindal thinks he has a chance and is going to join the 2016 Presidential race. You know, I can watch a tight cluster of people atop say, the U.S. Open leaderboard, without suddenly thinking I could win at golf.
Regarding that Whole Foods overcharging story, where NYC inspectors found EVERY label was inaccurate as to weight. So the store couldn’t have just raised prices a dollar or so a pound? Seems like their basic pricing policy already was #ifyouhavetoaskyoucantaffordit
Before tonight, the SF Giants are averaging 2.91 runs a game at AT&T Park and over 5 runs a game during away games. This is as skewed a road to home scoring ratio as we have seen since Bill Clinton first hit the campaign trail.
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So since the #SFGiants don’t seem to be able to hit at home these days, maybe they should get a certain former left fielder in for a little batting practice coaching. #25 always seemed to manage it pretty well.
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Though to be fair, the Giants now haves Nori Aoki on the DL due to a fractured fibula after being hit by a pitch, joining Hunter Pence who is on the DL due to a wrist injury resulting from HIS forearm being broken by a pitch in spring training. So is this the league’s plan to dethrone the World Champions,, take them out one player at a time?
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Amtrak apparently stranded passengers on a New York City bound train Tuesday for about five hours without food, air conditioning or working bathrooms. Are they really trying to compete with the airlines?”
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Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler’s wife, Kristin Cavallari, apparently told ELLE Magazine earlier that the family wants to leave Chicago and move to Nashville once her husband retires. And many Bears fans are thinking, “Could this be arranged by Christmas?”
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In a Fox News poll, 18% of respondents said Donald Trump is a serious candidate; 77% said he is “a side show.” Presumably the other 5% were laughing so hard they couldn’t speak.
This ought to be entertaining. The Grateful Dead concerts this weekend at Levi’s Stadium follow NFL rules. Meaning you can bring a small clutch or wallet, but the ONLY bags you can bring in are limited-size clear plastic bags, period. Well, at least most Deadheads have years of experience going to concerts with small plastic bags.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Alabama jokes, Ann Coulter jokes, Bobby Jindal jokes, Confederate flag jokes, flag jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Whole Foods jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 23, 2015
Now Rand Paul and Donald Trump have joined the call to take Confederate flags down and put them “in a museum” Guess it’s hard to ignore the way the wind’s blowing when it becomes a full-fledged hurricane.
Gamecocks coach Steve Spurrier, who has indicated his distaste for that “damn Confederate flag” before, today tweeted “The South Carolina football team, players and coaches strongly support Governor Haley’s decision to remove the flag from the capitol.”
Well, so now we’ve finally got a statement from one of the REALLY powerful men in the state.
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Regarding Trump’s decision to speak up against the Confederate flag, did that furry thing that lives on his head whisper in his ear? #combingaround?
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Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe says he is also immediately taking steps tio remove the Confederate flag from state specialty license plates. Don’t get me wrong, I think all this getting rid of the flags is a good idea. But it is also all a lot easier than dealing with the gun problem.
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Rush Limbaugh is now proclaiming that removing the Confederate flag is about “destroying the south” Actually Limbaugh should be sending flowers to the politicians in South Carolina as no doubt their actions will increase the number of angry white men who listen to him.
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Rapper Diddy (Sean Combs), whose son plays football at UCLA, was arrested for attacking a coach with a kettlebell weight. Talk about helicopter parents, this guy was trying to be more of a bomber plane parent.
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Gmail has a new feature, “undo send,” which allows users to delay emails 5-30 seconds so they can be canceled and retrieved, Of course, if you’re mad (or drunk) enough to send an email you’ll later regret, hard to imagine calming down (or sobering up) enough in 30 seconds to change your mind.
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Okay, clearly there are more important issues in the world. But regarding these pleas from teams to vote for their potential All-Star players “Vote 35 times right now.”
So how in the world did they come up with 35 as the magic number. Even in Chicago folks are thinking that’s excessive.
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The Minnesota State Fair has released its list of new foods for 2015. Including caramel chocolate-dipped bacon ice cream bars, mac and cheese cupcakes, and a burger dog with hot dogs, hamburger meat, bacon, cheese and peppers on a bun. And no doubt ticket stubs from the fair will be good for a discount at your friendly cardiologist.
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Iowa is granting permits to acquire or carry guns in public to people who are legally or completely blind. Texas and Florida are thinking “Why didn’t we think of that?”
New York City is apparently probing Whole Foods Markets over allegedly overcharging customers for the last five years. Uh, isn’t overcharging customers part of Whole Foods’ mission statement?
Oops, Russell Athletic apparently accidentally produced some maroon and white jerseys with both Mississippi State and Texas A&M logos on them. Were they counting on fans at each school not being able to read?
This bus-to-hell moment brought to you by Marc Ragovin: “Dick Van Patten (1928-2015) has passed away. I guess 86 was enough. “
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Confederate flag jokes, flag jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Limbaugh jokes, South Carolina jokes, Trump jokes, voting jokes, Whole Foods jokes
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June 22, 2015
Former player, current MLB analyst and all around nice guy Darryl Hamilton is dead, apparently by the hand of his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend in a murder suicide.. There are no printable words.
After Charleston, this seemed like it might be the week to move on from gun violence issues to regular snark. And all I can think of now is the online discussions, over the years and after the church shooting, with Darryl Hamilton. One of the best people I’ve been privileged to meet on Facebook . I’d wish as a SF Giants fan for the Dodgers to win the World Series in a minute if it would bring him back. No joke.
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Darryl Hamilton would at least have liked, and been amused to see this, Lindsey Graham on Monday today rethought his positions and called for the Confederate flag’s removal from the South Carolina Capitol grounds. #thetimestheyareeversoslowlychanging
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Mark Sanford, on the Confederate Flag controversy – “That’s opening up Pandora’s box.” Surprised Sanford didn’t have a staffer say the S.C. Rep was unavailable for comment because he was hiking the Appalachian Trail.
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Maybe she wanted to think about it, maybe she wanted to see which way the wind was blowing. But kudos to S.C. Gov Nikki Haley for coming to the right decision.
“It’s time to move the flag from the Capitol grounds. On matters of race, South Carolina has a tough history. We don’t need reminders.”
She added that if the legislature didn’t debate removing the flag this summer, she would call them back for a special session.
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Regarding Pete Rose, the OTL timing is odd, just before the All-Star game in Cincinnati. But for all those who say, it didn’t matter if he only bet on his team to win. So imagine you’re a bookie, and Pete bets on the Reds for Friday, and Sunday, but doesn’t bet on Saturday… He doesn’t have to give a reason..
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#Followthemoney Walmart announced Monday that it will remove all Confederate flag merchandise from its stores. One of those few moments I am glad the Charleston terrorist is still alive to see what he has accomplished.
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So baseball/softball are on the short list for being added to the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo. Other sports on the list include karate, squash, roller sports, wushu (martial art), sport climbing, surfing and bowling. No this list was not compiled by the Onion.
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Categories: sports jokes
Tags: Darryl Hamilton, gun control, Janice Hough, Olympics jokes, Walmart jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 21, 2015
Goldman Sachs has announced that they will tell banking interns to leave the office by midnight and not return before 7 a.m., and to take Saturdays off. By high-tech startup standards that’s practically turning them into slackers.
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Dr. John Hagee, a San Antonio pastor, said there ‘there is no greater sin in terms of wrongly using God’s name than women who use it during sex. .That is one of the filthiest, most derogatory and sinful uses of the Lord’s name I can think of. If it were up to me, I would put every single woman or girl who does that in jail,’ Leaving aside the fact that he didn’t mention men, just guessing Hagee has no personal experience of a woman crying out anything while having sex with him.
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Finally, a weekend without professional basketball. Makes sense though, the NBA had to finish before Father’s Day. #somanychildrensolittletime
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Greg Oden is attempting another NBA comeback. Might be worth the risk for more than a few teams. And, hey, his health insurance will be covered by Medicare.
Have to think that non-golf fans who turned into the #USOpen2015 & heard comments about “greens” were thinking “what exactly was “green” about them?”
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Is there any stupider thing in sports for spectators to yell than “Get in the hole?” #USOpen2015
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Hard to believe, but Jordan Spieth is young enough that actually he could be Tiger Woods’ son. (He’s 21 to Tiger’s 39.) #theygrowupsofast
From T.C. “Somebody hired a plane that sported a banner “CHEATER” to follow Tiger’s group at the US Open. A fan thought he saw two blond women flying the aircraft. ”
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Judy Shalom Nir-Mozas, the of Israel’s Interior Minister tweeted an “inappropriate joke” Sunday about Barack Obama, then deleted it and apologized. One thing about social media, if you’re an idiot, instead of that knowledge being confined to your family and friends, you can tell the whole world in a matter of minutes.
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Just making it clear. I have and will continue to make posts referring to the “Charleston terrorist.” I am not going to give the SOB any more of the notoriety he clearly sought by using his given name. If we’re going to use names at all it should be the names of the victims.
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Lastly, Happy Father’s Day to my dad, Jerry Hough. He once gave me a lecture because my 2nd grade teacher said I was too quiet and never spoke up in class. Who said kids never learn from their parents?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Goldman Sachs jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, Twitter jokes, US open jokes
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June 20, 2015
A video is going viral of a squirrel running around Citizens Bank Park and entering the Phillies dugout, causing players to scramble. Well, makes sense. The squirrel was more frightening than anyone in the Philadelphia lineup.
http://atmlb.com/1K2KtZe
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A German man has posted a video after a breakup showing him sawing all their communal property in half with a power saw, including a teddy bear and a pickup truck. Wonder how many calls he’s gotten to option his story for a country song?
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It may be the only time I ever say this. But, well played, Mitt.
“Take down the #ConfederateFlag at the SC Capitol. To many, it is a symbol of racial hatred. Remove it now to honor #Charleston victims.”
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The bride whose Waldorf Astoria wedding reception was cancelled after one of her guests accidentally shot off his gun, injuring four people, is now suing the hotel “for millions.” Her attorney told the New York Post: ‘We are planning to sue the Waldorf for the costs of the wedding and the emotional harm suffered by the bride and groom, whose dream wedding was destroyed for no reason whatsoever by Waldorf personnel.”
And some wonder why Shakespeare wrote “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
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And then in contrast to Mitt Romney on the Confederate flag issue, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz said the last thing the people of South Carolina need is “people from outside of the state coming in and dictating how they should resolve it.” Right, but Cruz has no problem telling other states what to do about gay marriage….
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Apparently hundreds of NPR listeners were outraged and threatened to stop donating when the network had Kim Kardashian on the quiz show “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me..” Amazing. That so many NPR listeners would admit to knowing who Kim Kardashian is.
Max Scherzer throws a no-hitter and misses a perfect game with 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth because Jose Tabata leaned into a pitch. Maybe the Nationals need to sign Bob Gibson or Pedro Martinez to a one-game contract tomorrow to give Tabata a little baseball education.
Justin Maxwell was only in the #Giants #Dodgers game because #Aoki left after being hit by a pitch in 1st. And he hit a 2 run home run. Karma is now wearing a particularly bitchy grin.
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In Texas, a volunteer firefighter was fired after apparently posting on Facebook that the Charleston terrorist “needs to be praised for the good deed he has done” Leaving aside the awfulness of the comment, just how stupid do you have to be to be that racist right now in public?
Paul Pierce, 37, apparently is going to play again in the NBA, either returning to the Wizards or signing with the Clippers. Does Pierce think he’s too young to play for the Spurs?
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The Orlando Sentinel is reporting that a local man is recovering from “non-life threatening” injuries after accidentally shooting himself…..during a gun safety class. #cantfixstupid
Jason Day, who has been suffering from vertigo, and who collapsed at the end of Friday’s round, shot a 68 Saturday and is in a four-way tie for the lead after the third round of the U.S. Open. Right about now Tiger Woods is thinking, how do you catch vertigo?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Jose Tabata jokes, Kardashian jokes, lawyer jokes, Phillies jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 20, 2015
Brian Williams apologized and blamed his ego for his exaggeration of the truth. And then Williams added that Sigmund Freud had told him that he had one of the biggest egos the psychiatrist had ever seen.
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Reports are that A&P , once the U.S. leading grocery chain, is considering filing for bankruptcy. Said everyone under 40, “What’s A&P?”
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First year Warriors coach Steve Kerr received a text from former teammate Tim Duncan “It’s that easy, huh?” Hmm, maybe we have a new candidate to take over some day from Gregg Popovich?
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Skip Bayless on Friday called Tiger Woods a “disgrace” and a “train wreck.” Well, if anyone knows about being a disgrace and a train wreck.
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Orlando’s “Wet and Wild,” one of America’s first water park opened in 1977, will close at the end of 2016. Apparently it’s not cool enough for today’s kids. And besides, it’s hard to go down the slides with smart phones.
Well, at least he’s got things in perspective. Steph Curry at today’s Warriors’ celebration after their parade. “6 years ago I could walk around & not be recognized, now we’re world champs & I’m known as Riley’s dad.”
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Just saw a list of Major League Baseball top prospects. Curiously enough I looked up the March 2014 “top prospects by team.” Found a list that for the SF Giants, listed Joe Panik as their 15th best prospect. Matt Duffy was 30th. #whatdotheyknow?
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From T.C. “St. Louis Cardinals say they have stopped hacking into the Houston Astros computers as they have found way more interesting stuff snooping into Pablo Sandoval’s phone. ”
(And Panda was benched for a day for being on Instagram during a game. So does that mean he got to spend the evening in the clubhouse with his phone?)
Okay, who says I never say anything nice about Republicans?
“Regardless of our views about the symbolism of the … flags — and people of goodwill can disagree on the subject — the governor believes that most (residents of the state) would agree that the symbols of (the) past should not be displayed in a manner that may divide (us) today,” Governor Jeb Bush of Florida in 2001, ordering the Confederate flag taken down at the capitol.
Your move, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley.
Don’t need three reasons why Texas Gov. Rick Perry is unfit to be President. This one will do. From an interview today, about South Carolina. (capital letters are mine ) – “Any time there is an ACCIDENT like this, the president is clear. He doesn’t like for Americans to have guns and so he uses every opportunity, this being another one, to basically go parrot that message.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Brian Williams jokes, Janice Hough, Sandoval jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 18, 2015
Warriors coach Steve Kerr says after the Warriors victory parade Friday, “I just want to sit on my couch and watch the U.S. Open and drink beer.” Well, for the last two rounds maybe Kerr can invite Tiger Woods to join him,
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Apparently in the 24 hours after the Golden State Warriors won the NBA championship, a record amount of gear was sold. Wonder if for an extra charge manufacturers could make the shirts etc look like fans had been wearing them for a while.
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Donald Trump apparently offered actors $50 each to show up and cheer for him as he announced his run for the Presidency.. Aha, NOW I see the Donald’s jobs plan… imagine how many people he will have to hire to show up at his various campaign events.
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For the first time since 1970, McDonald’s is closing more restaurants than they are opening in the U.S. Because in an era of pizza with hot dogs and XXL grilled stuffed burritos, their offerings aren’t fattening enough for Americans anymore?
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An American tourist, 27, is in stable condition with bite wounds at a Cancun hospital. This after the man, while allegedly drunk, ignored England and Spanish warning signs and climbed the barbed-wire fence of a crocodile enclosure at the Iberostar resort…. And once again, Darwin is thinking “missed it by THAT much.” #cantfixstupid
Maybe SF Giants fans should be happy at least Sandoval left before we got these “Panda being Panda” stories. He was benched for tonight’s game after “liking” a young woman’s pictures on Instagram last night during the game. Said he was in the bathroom at the time…..
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A little inside baseball for SF Giants fans.
#Panda who? #McGehee who? #Duffy does it again. #SFGiants
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Astros’ GM Luhnow is denying reports that alleged Cardinals’ hackers got into the Astros database because he hadn’t changed his password(s). But have to wonder how many other people in baseball who have changed teams in the past just changed their passwords.
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And now back to the serious stuff. Don’t worry. I’m not going to stay with this much serious stuff for long. Though it would be nice to dream that maybe THIS time some things might actually change…. No joke.
The NY Times is reporting that the alleged Charleston terrorist was arrested and banned from a local mall in Feb. 2015 after he alarmed security guards by asking questions at stores about employees and when they left the mall. Then he was arrested again two months later at the mall, and jailed for 12 days. Clearly a troubled young man. And his dad decided that a good birthday present for him was a gun?!!!
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Well, that didn’t take long. FoxNews.com already has an editorial saying that if churches weren’t gun-free zones, last night’s ” horrible tragedy…probably could have been avoided.”
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And now it also comes out that last week the alleged Charleston terrorist told friends and neighbors at the park that “he was looking to kill a bunch of people on Wednesday.” And his roommate said the guy has been talking about “something like that for six months.”“He was big into segregation and other stuff.. He said he wanted to start a civil war. He said he was going to do something like that and then kill himself.”
But they thought he was joking. We’ve been taught to take suicide threats seriously, seems like it’s time to do the same with comments about killing. Even TSA, as much as we joke about them, would have stopped him for those words.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Cardinals jokes, Darwin awards, Darwin jokes, Janice Hough, McDonalds jokes, Sandoval jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
June 17, 2015
Covering something serious first this time. Was just in Memphis at the Lorraine Motel Civil Rights Museum, where one of their exhibition on the 1963 Birmingham Church bombing. A horrible moment in U.S. history, and one you’d LIKE to think we’d moved beyond. But apparently not.
Tomorrow morning in South Carolina the flags will be at half-staff. At the State House, that means the U.S. flag AND the Confederate flag. Too much to hope I suppose that they never raise that Confederate one again….
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Apparently Charleston police briefly handcuffed a young white man who fit the description of the shooter, but quickly released him, unharmed, when they realized he was not the right person. Wonder what would have happened if a young black man had been suspected of shooting nine white people?
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But since if we don’t laugh the terrorists win, including the domestic terrorists. So, though my heart goes out to the friends and families of the victims, below are jokes written earlier in the evening.
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The University of Texas has just approved the sale of beer to the general public at Darrell K Royal – Texas Memorial Stadium, capacity over 100,000 for the 2015 football season, And the state has just legalized firearms on college campuses. #WhatcouldPOSSIBLYgowrong?
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It pains me to say anything nice about a Dodger. But I do love this tweet from Brandon McCarthy. “in keeping with baseball tradition, a Houston exec should walk into the STL offices and hit their best front office guy with a fastball.” #hackgate
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The FCC is going to fine AT&T $100 million for “severely” slowing down data speeds for customers who bought so-called “unlimited” mobile data plans. $100 million?!! So assume AT&T will raise rates to a total tune about $150 million to cover their costs.
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Lebron James after the Finals – “We ran out of talent.” And current Lakers fans are going “what is talent?”
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As great a run as San Francisco Bay area teams have had, neither the SF Giants nor the Warriors have clinched a championship in front of a home crowd. And now with the 2016 Super Bowl at Levi’s Stadium, pretty sure that tradition will continue.
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Johnny Manziel said hs trademark money sign “will not be back. I will not be making it out there.” Which we can all hope is a sign of maturity. Or a realization he won’t be having much on the field to celebrate.
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Jim Harbaugh has decided to hold 11 satellite football camps in 7 different states for high school players. which he says is about “sharing a love for football.” Adding, “in my America you’re allowed to cross borders.” Some other coaches, especially in the ACC and SEC, say it’s recruiting and are are apoplectic – Nick Saban says it’s a “competitive disadvantage.”
Not sure about that, but any coach who can upset Nick Saban and the SEC is likely to pick up a lot of fans all across the USA.
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Really, KNBR, Really?! The SF Giants’ and GS Warriors’ flagship radio station is running a Father’s Day contest for listeners to share their favorite sports memories with dad. That’s cool. But what about a Mother’s Day contest for sharing your favorite sports memory with MOM!?
So with #SFGiants in Seattle they need a #DH. Can’t #Madbum hit and let #McGehee be the DH?
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Apparently Rep. Darrell Issa was kicked out of a closed hearing on Benghazi that he hadn’t been invited to in Washington, D.C. What’s most surprising? The chairman who escorted him out was a fellow Republican. #toocrazyevenforawitchhunt?
My friend Tom forwards this “wish I’d thought of that” line from his friend Cliff Miller. “Suggested Trump campaign slogan: We shall overcomb!”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: A T&T jokes, Dodger jokes, fathers day jokes, Harbaugh, Janice Hough, Johnny Manziel jokes, Lebron jokes, Texas jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 16, 2015
Jeb Bush is trying to distance himself from those who worry he will simply repeat his brother’s presidency. And somewhere Dick Cheney is cackling “People actually BELIEVE W. was President….”
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Bob Uecker, 81, was hit by a ball during pregame batting practice and suffered a mild concussion. Maybe he should have been standing more than “just a bit outside” of the batting cage.
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Guessing a few people will be fired in St. Louis over their hacking of the Astros. But as to punishment for the Cardinals? Rob Manfred may call Selig for advice on setting up one of those “Blue Ribbon Committees.” (The one on the A’s potentially moving is only into its sixth year.)
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Really bad timing for the St. Louis Cardinals to get caught.. This year investigators will believe the Astros actually had information worth stealing.
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As of today, eight Kansas City Royals are in to start this year’s All-Star game. Along with former Royal Nori Aoki. New commissioner Rob Manfred wants to wait until voting is over, but said MLB is “responsive and open to change if in fact it appears we get a result that is not consistent with the goals of the system that is currently in place.”
All-Star voting might be flawed? I’m shocked, shocked….
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Donald Trump has officially entered the 2016 Presidential race. And Jon Stewart is thinking about calling Brett Favre – “How do you do that ‘un-retiring’ thing?”
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Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign has just begun, but how long until someone demands a birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head. Pretty sure it wasn’t born in the U.S.
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United Airlines says they are moving their “P.S’ – Premium Service – hub from JFK to Newark for transcontinental flights. So for all those frequent fliers who have been complaining about delays and traffic to-from JFK and wondering if it could be any worse? The answer is yes.
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In California, Scott Wilk, a Republican assemblyman who was opposing the state budget on Facebook accidentally voted FOR it, and then posted on Twitter. “My wife is right — I can’t multitask!” Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about the rest of Wilk’s legislative actions. Not to mention his driving.
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A man from Mims, a small town about an hour from Orlando, was drinking at a BBQ with friends when he decided to check if there was still a round in the chamber of his gun – by putting the weapon to his head and pulling the trigger. There was.
Services are pending. Back on your game, Florida,
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2-out 2-run double today for Casey McGehee. Maybe that’s #SFGiants‘ solution, only let #McGehee bat when there’s no chance for a double play.
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GOP House members are trying to zero out federal funding for the Title X family planning program, which provides birth control and other reproductive health services to individuals, mostly young women, earning less than $25,000 a year. Right. Because if we all agree one goal is to reduce unwanted pregnancies and thus potential abortions, no doubt denying poor women birth control will stop them having sex….. #facepalm
So Neil Young told Donald Trump to stop using his song “Rocking in the Free World” as a campaign theme. Maybe Young should offer to rewrite another song in a way that would be perfect for the Donald: How about “Ego and the Damage Done?”
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A former Baltimore Ravens cheerleader today pleaded guilty to having sex with a 15-year-old boy. The boy’s name has been not been released because he was a minor, protecting his privacy but no doubt also denying him bragging rights with his friends.
Congrats to the #GoldenStateWarriors Now, will they vote the #Clippers, who knocked off the #Spurs, a playoff share? #NBAFinals
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Got to give #LebronJames for playing with basically a six man bench. Even Snow White had seven dwarves. #NBAFinals
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cardinals jokes, Florida jokes, hacking jokes, Janice Hough, jeb bush jokes, NBA finals jokes, St. Louis Jokes, Trump jokes
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June 15, 2015
The Stanley Cup was late in arriving after the Blackhawks win tonight due to “weather issues.”. Rather appropriate for a team that plays in Chicago’s United Center.
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But yeah, nothing says it’s time for the NHL’s Stanley Cup Final like summer thunderstorms.
You know you’re in San Francisco when…the best part of a really bad #SFGiants game is the gay marriage proposal. #hesaidyes
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As the last sections of #Candlestickpark come down, the #SFGiants are in the midst of one of their worst home losing streaks. Coincidence?
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One of Aaron Hernandez’s lawyers says he has evidence that one of the jurors was “untruthful” during jury selection. Translation, Hernandez isn’t out of money yet.
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It’s June 15. And if it seems like you can’t remember the NBA regular season…..well, that might be because it ended TWO MONTHS AGO today. #stillnosignoflandhowlongisit
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Considering how competitive Lebron James is making the NBA finals almost all by himself, it does make the Spurs’ 2014 performance all the more amazing since they beat James when he actually had a team, and two other stars, playing with him.
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Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled not to see an AL All-Star team full of Yankees and Red Sox Players. But seven Royals starting? And fans can vote a maximum of 35 times per email address. Great to have World Series home advantage decided in part by a process with all the integrity of American Idol.
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Pope Francis apparently will be issuing an encyclical on the environment saying that climate change is the Earth’s way of protesting “irresponsible use and abuse of the goods that God placed in her.” Waiting for some religious conservatives to respond “Yeah, well what does HE know?”
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Jeb Bush’s campaign logo is going to read simply “Jeb!” Amazing, politicians come to power mostly because of their last names, and then do everything they can to hope we forget it.
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So how long until Jeb Bush starts campaigning on avoiding a return to what he says are the failed policies of the Clinton era?
So regarding that Waldorf-Astoria wedding, apparently after the shooting hotel security cancelled the “million dollar” reception because the gun had not been found, and because two of their employees had been injured. And the bride was livid. Okay, so maybe the NYPD can save money by not charging this idiot with a crime: Just put him -unarmed – and the bride in a locked room for about an hour.
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San Diego has fired manager Bud Black. Maybe a new manager will make a difference. Or maybe the Padres are just a newer Southern California version of the Cubs.
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Gap is going to close 25% of their stores, 175 in total, which will leave the company with operate about 500 specialty locations and 300 outlet stores. Uh, not that I really know retail, but maybe if you have 60% as many “outlets” as you have regular retail, you just MIGHT be diluting and damaging your brand
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Blackhawk jokes, Candlestick park jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, jeb bush jokes, Jeb jokes, Lebron jokes, NBA finals jokes, NHL jokes, SF Giants jokes, Stanley Cup jokes
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June 15, 2015
Chris Christie called Hillary Clinton out of touch , asking “How would she know what real Americans are really concerned about? I don’t know. Is it … when she’s out giving paid speeches?” Exactly. Real Americans like Christie know what it is to struggle to stay within a $95,000 a year allowance for food and drink on top of their salaries.
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Okay, without any spoilers in this post, isn’t “Shocking #GameofThronesFinale” redundant?
Yesterday was the 12th annual “World Naked Bike Ride” in San Francisco. No doubt followed today by the 12th annual “Wash all rental bikes” day in San Francisco.
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Hillary Clnton said that the 2008 presidential campaign showed a woman can be president. Is that the right reminder for her to be using? Because the 2008 campaign also showed that picking someone for the ticket just because she was a woman can help the other side win an election.
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Beginning to think this man does not want to leave New Jersey. Chris Christie today, when asked about Iraq, “we’ve got to put together a ‘coalition of the willing’, which has been used before … ” Yes, and that worked out so well. #GeorgeWBush #DontforgetPoland
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Boston Red Sox manager John Farrell to fans. “I wouldn’t write this team off.”. So is Farrell telling us he can’t write?
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Four people are recovering after a man accidentally fired a gun during a wedding celebration at the Waldorf Astoria in New York City. The bullet grazed a woman’s head and injured 3 others with debris. Your move, Florida
The NY D.A. says the case against the man whose gun went off at a Waldorf Astoria wedding has been deferred, while they decide whether or not to charge him. His lawyer says “There was no recklessness in this case.” Because, hey, doesn’t everyone need to be armed at weddings in five-star hotels?
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Maybe the guy just had a think for “Red Wedding?”
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The joys of outsourcing. United Airlines uses low-paid contract workers instead of employees in many airports. One flight delay from one of those airports, Louisville, leads to several incompetent steps. End result, not getting on two wide-open alternative flights home, in part because “checked bags must travel with passengers.” And then arriving at 200a to find that the person, probably making about $12 an hour, who insisted on keeping us with luggage did the new tags WRONG, so bags went on THREE different flights without us and arrived 18 hours later….
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Some may have been surprised that the big Walmart fight that went viral was between two women. Well, it WAS in the shampoo aisle. A place most men do not venture.
(and some men are asking “there’s a shampoo aisle?”)
From T.C. “MMA, UFC & WWE are all currently bidding for rights to use Walmart shampoo aisles as future venues for Pay for View events.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, Game of Thrones jokes, Hillary Clinton jokes, Janice Hough, Red Sox jokes, Walmart jokes, wedding shooting jokes
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June 13, 2015
” Jurassic World’ apparently had the third-largest movie opening day of all time. When movie-goers were asked afterwards what they thought of the plot, almost all of them responded – “Plot?”
The College World Series started today. What a shame that the Philadelphia Phillies just missed qualifying.
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Bristol Palin has posted a harsh criticism of Miley Cyrus’s post about intolerance. Thereby assuring that millions of people might actually READ Cyrus’s post about intolerance.
(my friend Alex wonders who read the post to Bristol.)
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Country singer Randy Howard, 65, was killed this weekend in a gunfight with bounty hunter. What a shame, had Howard lived the incident would have been great material for a country song.
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At Boise Airport, passengers on an Allegiant Air flight smelled fuel and saw vapor that they thought was smoke so they popped the emergency doors and evacuated. (It was a small fuel leak and the plane was in no danger.) But doesn’t it make you feel all warm and fuzzy that passengers have the ability to open emergency doors?
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Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe “may” have “accidentally” posted a Snapchat of herself and a man in bed, therefore revealing the winner of the show about six weeks ahead of schedule. Give the woman credit, with her name, talent for publicity and headlines, Kaitlyn could be an honorary Kardashian.
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Pablo Sandoval left today’s Red Sox loss to the Blue Jays with tightness in his quad. His status is listed as “day-to-day-and-keep-that-man-out-of-the-North-End.”
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Still seems a bit odd when you hear about #NBA team going to a small lineup and they’re still all over about 6’6″. #NBAFinals #Warriors #Cavs
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In Texas, some residents are upset because a History network series “Texas Rising” isn’t completely historically accurate. Wonder how many of these people also want schools to teach creationism.
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The U.S. Justice Department is investigating possible bribes and corruption in Nike’s 1996 deal to sponsor soccer in Brazil. Right. Not like Nike would ever dare do anything wrong at home in the good old U S of A.
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Monica Lewis, the voice of Chiquita Banana, has died at 93. And if you don’t have that stupid jingle running through your head now you’re not a baby boomer….
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Taco Bell will be opening a new location in SF that will serve beer and wine. Makes some sense, enough beer and/or wine, and customers won’t notice the food.
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From Bill Littlejohn, after a skunk’s nest being found in the Cardinals dugout at Dodger Stadium: “Did St. Louis manager Mike Matheny say he needed a spray hitter?”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Jurassic world jokes, Kardashian jokes, NBA finals jokes, taco bell jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 12, 2015
A new “soda” law in San Francisco will require this warning label “WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity. diabetes and tooth decay.” And apparently Starbucks’ Frappucino’s are sugary enough for the label. So what’s next? Requiring the warnings on the sugar packets you put into your coffee?
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In Texas, the two little girls whose lemonade stand was shut down for not having a permit are reopening after discovering a loophole: They can give the lemonade away free and just ask for donations. I think we may have found two future leaders of the state.
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Actual sign out front of an Arkansas liquor store. “School’s out. Welcome parents!”
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University of Missouri fraternities are planning to ban hard liquor starting in the fall. So is this policy change sponsored by Anheuser Busch?
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Apparently ABC cameras caught LeBron James accidentally exposing himself while he adjusted his shorts just before Game 4 of the NBA Finals. Hmm, so it’s not enough to be a basketball star, James is angling to be part of a future Super Bowl halftime show?
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96 years ago on Friday Congress passed the 19th amendment giving women the right to vote. Wonder given some of the rhetoric from conservative men in the U.S. If you could get that amendment ratified today?
The Indianapolis Colts have been taking some heat for the new “2014 AFC Finalist” banner they just hung at Lucas Oil Stadium. Even though the team lost 45-7 to the Patriots. Waiting for someone from the Colts to respond “Our pride is undeflated.”
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An Ohio man is planning to challenge the St. Louis Zoo’s no weapons policy by carrying a gun into the zoo Saturday. Can someone please hide a few of those “trespassers will be eaten” signs?
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The President of an NAACP chapter in Spokane has been outed by her parents as Caucasian. So will this start a debate about people’s right to be “trans-race?”
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I wish this were the Onion. It’s now come out that Marco Rubio was one of five current members of Congress who voted for a 2001 Florida bill, signed by Jeb Bush, that required any single mother trying to put their babies up for adoption to post details about their recent sex partners. (The idea being to support the rights of potential biological fathers.) #Prolifemyass
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lebron jokes, nanny law jokes, sugar jokes, Texas jokes
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June 11, 2015
Two Texas girls, 7 and 8, trying to raise money for Father’s Day, had their lemonade stand shut down by police for lack of a permit. Well, of course, it’s Texas. The girls should have been doing something safer like borrowing their parents’ guns to set up a shooting range.
So after game 1 of the NBA finals the “experts” said the Cavs had no chance, then after games 2 and 3, that the Warriors were in big trouble. And now they’re planning the Golden State parade again. Which means Cleveland is likely to win game 5?
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Stay classy, GOP. Senator Mark Kirk from Illinois, during a Senate Appropriations Committee hearing: “I’ve been joking with Lindsey (Graham). Did you see that? He’s going to have a rotating first lady. He’s a bro with no ho.”
(and just for a minute, can we imagine the reaction on Fox News if a Democratic senatory said that?)
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After five players were suspended last year for academic reasons, and QB Everett Golson transferred, Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly said today that all his players are “at-risk” academically. “Honestly, I don’t know that any of our players would get into the school by themselves right now with the academic standards the way they are. Maybe one or two of our players that are on scholarship.”
And down in the SEC and ACC they’re going “What academic standards?”
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Florida Gov. Rick Scott signed a new law requiring women to wait at least 24 hours to have an abortion. Of course if they really wanted to reduce unwanted pregnancies and possible abortions the state would impose the same waiting period for men wanting to have sex.
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Beech Grove, Indiana mayor Dennis Buckley, talking about trouble and recent arrests. “This isn’t anything new. We have been concerned about this for at least two years, and there have been just some quiet talks with (them) concerning the number of police runs down there and the fact that they’re draining our resources every single day. It’s my opinion as mayor that this has to stop.”
Is he talking about some bar, restaurant or strip club? Nope, Buckley’s talking about the local Wal-Mart.
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Pizza Hut, in an effort to increase sagging market share, has introduced a pizza with mini hot dogs in the crust. The only problem with promotions like this, if they work, they decrease the number of years customers will be around to buy Pizza Hut products.
Whole Foods is opening new chain of lower-priced stores that will be called “365 by Whole Foods Market.” (365 is a house label for Whole Foods products.) But if they really want to attract shoppers who both know their brand and want to save money, why doesn’t the chain call the new markets “Half Paycheck.”?
From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg “As great as Triple Crown winner, American Pharoah, was at the Belmont Stakes, he would have lost in 1973 to Secretariat by 15 lengths. To put 15 lengths in perspective, that is over ten Kim Kardashian asses.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: GOP jokes, NBA finals jokes, NCAA jokes, Texas jokes, Walmart jokes, Whole Foods jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 