Posted tagged ‘Janice Hough’

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

All wet.

January 6, 2016

It’s just one storm series. Still a bit odd when you live in California and the newspaper story about the state still being in a drought is hard to read — because the paper got soaked clear through the plastic this morning.

–

The NFL is reportedly looking for 500 volunteers to help assembly the half-time stage for the Super Bowl. They expect the time commitment to be at least 33 hours counting rehearsals, and no, a game ticket is not included. But hey, if you’ve started out the New Year in a charitable mood. The league IS a nonprofit…. ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬

–

The Rams in their NFL relocation bid to return to Los Angeles do some serious St. Louis bashing. Well, this ought to be fun when the Dodgers come to Busch Stadium this year to play the Cardinals.

 

 

#‎KenGriffeyJr‬ was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame with 99.3% of the vote. So would the .7% (3 voters)  like to explain their reasons?

 

–

Meanwhile, Mike Piazza. who admitted taking at least “andro,”  proved that the writers think that a “good” guy with PEDs beats a “bad” guy with PED’s?

–

Ammon Bundy, the Oregon militia leader, says he is “following directions from God.” And God says, “Don’t blame me, I have nothing to do with this a**hole.”

–

 

Sean Payton says he is staying in New Orleans, “I can’t imagine me ever coaching another team.” So guess it’s “the Devil and Saints you know.

–

–

Some skepticism on North Korea’s alleged H-bomb test, even though it allegedly caused seismic activity. Maybe the earthquake was caused by Kim Jong Il throwing a temper tantrum?

–

Libertarian Gary Johnson said today he is running again for President in 2016. Not that he has a chance, but no doubt Johnson is already outpolling at least 2-3 GOP candidates.

 

Gov. Sam Brownback of Kansas just tweeted “Congrats Alex Gordon, with your new contract you’ll save about $1.8 million by living in KS instead of CA.”
Right, and then most winters Gordon can spend much of that $1.8 million getting out of Kansas. (And the Royals DO play in Missouri.)

–

 

Macy’s says they will eliminate more than 4,500 jobs. And then presumably they will have a “One Day Layoff Sale?”

 

An 8-year-old girl is recovering in the hospital after she fell off a ski lift at Squaw Valley near Lake Tahoe. The girl apparently was not using the chair’s safety-restraint bar. Sure hope her parents don’t decide to sue for the resort not making her use the bar….

–

Joe Biden says of his decision not to run for President in 2016. “I regret it every day.” I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that Twitter may be expanding their tweets from 140 to 10,000 characters.

–

–

On their 62nd try, Congress passed a repeal of the Affordable Care Act and sent it to the President to veto. So now they can return to attacking Obama for, amongst other things, wasting taxpayer money.

–

From my funny friend  Alex Kaseberg  – Steve Harvey would like to personally congratulate Jose Canseco on his selection to the Hall of Fame.

–

Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Is it safe?

January 6, 2016

Many are condemning President Obama’s executive orders on guns , although they seem relatively mild. But let’s be real, if the car makers of America had as much political clout as the NRA, there would be an outcry if Obama made safety proposals about driver’s licenses.

 

Actually President Obama probably has it wrong; if he REALLY wanted to get serious gun control passed, he would quietly encourage the formation of American “Open Carry” Muslim groups.=

 

–

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says the team is open to “some risks” in getting a new young backup QB. Let’s see, wonder how many seconds after that remark went online did Jones get a phone call from Cleveland?

–

Just waiting for someone to ask those ‪#‎OregonMilitia‬ men who they are endorsing for President.

 

Eight Ohio State Buckeyes so far are foregoing eligibility to declare early for the NFL draft. Knowing Urban Meyer and his players, have to wonder how many of them might have worn out the patience of the Columbus police?

–

The new “Bachelor” season has begun. Might not bode well for some of the presidential candidates – Americans now have another way to get their regular dose of “crazy.

–

A six-year-old Canadian boy, Syed Adam Ahmed, has apparently been on Canada’s no-fly list since he was a toddler because of his name. Waiting for Donald Trump to weigh in and say “You can’t be too careful.”

 

 

Tonya Couch, the mom of “affluenza” teen Ethan, waived an extradition fight and will be returned to Texas. Her lawyers issued a statement While the public may not like what she did, may not agree with what she did, or may have strong feelings against what she did, make no mistake — Tonya did not violate any law of the State of Texas and she is eager to have her day in court.”
Just guessing this might be one of the few times a bipartisan jury might agree otherwise.

–

SF  49ers reportedly talking to Mike Shanahan about coaching vacancy. Makes sense, after Dan Snyder in Washington,  49ers owner Jed York might seem almost normal

 

In Texas, a 20-year-old young woman who was acting as a designated driver New Year’s Eve for her sorority sisters was shot dead in an apparent road rage incident. Now a suspect has been arrested, and he is an active Marine. So how do you stop a “good guy” with a gun? ‪#‎ifonlythesisterswerearmed‬

–

 

Arkansas  Senator Tom Cotton, a Republican, endorsed Bernie Sanders in the Democratic Primary. Wonder which Democrat in Congress might respond by endorsing Rand Paul?

–

A California Sheriff’s Deputy, Mark Heath, who drove cross country on vacation this December was arrested along with two friends, allegedly with 250 lbs of marijuana and $11,000 cash that they planned to deliver in Pennsylvania. In Yuba County, Heath was part of a drug and gang task force. He has now been placed on leave. (And he couldn’t have driven the pot to Oregon?) ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

–

 

 

 

Florida Atlantic University has officially fired James Tracy, a tenured professor who has publicly claimed the Sandy Hook killings were a hoax, and then feuded with parents of the victims. Good for them. But why do I think that there will no doubt be some who will be lining up to hire him?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Pressed flat?

January 5, 2016

SF 49ers owner Jed York today in his press conference announcing the firing of Jim Tomsula: “I’m not a football expert.” Right, so after 2014 season you fired the coach that actually WAS. ‪#‎Harbaugh‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

–

Let’s see, Jim Harbaugh was fired from SF basically because of his ego and abrasive personality. Now Chip Kelly has let it be known he is interested in the 49ers job. Get some popcorn folks, we could end up with the first football management team with thermo-nuclear capability.

 

#‎JedYork‬ says he will sell the ‪#‎SF49ers‬ “over his dead body.” Guess Jed feels brave enough to say that due to California’s strict gun laws.

–

SF 49ers GM Trent Baalke indicated today in a later press conference he didn’t know the length of his own contract (he signed an extension last year through 2018). Now, local media are making fun of the lie, but who knows, maybe it could be true. Would explain a lot about SF’s horrendous drafts lately.

–

The ‪#‎Raiders‬, ‪#‎Chargers‬ & ‪#‎Rams‬ all requested permission today to move to the Los Angeles area. A few more press conferences like today’s from Jed York and ‪#‎49ers‬ fans may be saying “uh, can we volunteer our team too?”

–

Johnny Manziel was apparently seen partying in Las Vegas last Saturday night. Maybe it’s time to change his trademark name from “Johnny Football” to “Johnny F*ckup.”

–

Tom Coughlin has resigned as coach of the NY Giants. So guess after 12 years he’s looking to be ringmaster of a different circus?

–

Hunter Pence just bought a 2 bedroom luxury condo in San Francisco. At his $18.5 million a year ‪#‎SFGiants‬ salary he can probably just stretch to cover the payments.

–

The Stanford women’s basketball team scored only 31 points Monday night.. Are they trying to be named honorary 76ers?

–

Donald Trump’s latest fear-mongering was a warning today that President Obama’s planned executive actions mean “Pretty soon you won’t be able to get guns.”
To be fair, if we had serious mental health restrictions on purchasing firearms, based on many of his statements Trump himself probably couldn’t pass a background check.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Oh, Lord.

January 4, 2016

Final season of Downton Abbey starts tonight in the U.S. Amazing For six years on Sunday nights Americans weren’t lying when they said they preferred watching PBS.

 

–

 

Wonder if the final straw that resulted in the firing of Jim Tomsula was the 49ers coach managing to pull out a close game in overtime, and thus costing San Francisco at least a few positions in the NFL draft.

 

–

So now there are rumors that the 49ers may try to lure head coach Sean Payton from the Saints, rumors fueled in part by the fact that Payton’s daughter now is in college at Pepperdine and he misses her.
Uh, except if that’s the motivation in at most a year Payton can probably have his choice of two new Los Angeles teams are not complete clusterf*cks.

 

San Diego and Denver playing an exciting game with playoff implications, and in Northern California CBS & NFL insisted to keep showing the Rams and 49ers playing to see who had the  worst offense in the league.

–

The SF 49ers fired Jim Tomsula but kept GM Trent Baakle.  Wasn’t this kind of like firing the catering manager on the Titanic?

–

#‎NYJets‬ and ‪#‎NYGiants‬ accomplished one thing today – got New Yorkers REALLY looking forward to Spring Training.

–

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho  “I’m watching the Washington-Dallas football game. Clearly, it’s time to stand up for innocent people whose name is being denigrated through its crass association with a football team. Change the name of the Cowboys.”
–

Chris Christie called Obama a “petulant child” for the President’s plan to override Congress with executive action to curb gun violence. Yes, Chris Christie, the same formerly pro-gun control Governor who himself this year vetoed several gun control bills passed in New Jersey….. ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬

(as my friend Jon N says, Because nobody would ever consider shutting down a bridge to be petulant. My guess is that’s where Christie learned the word.)

–

Saudi Arabia just had a mass execution of 47 people, spread out amongst a dozen prisons, by firing squad and beheadings. And these are our civilized “friends” in the region?

–

 

Bus to hell time: Bill Cosby was arrested and the Pittsburgh Steelers sneaked into the NFL playoffs. So all in all a mixed week for rapists.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Lost?

January 3, 2016

Not saying the Hawkeyes defense really lost track of during the . But I hear they’ve put his picture on milk cartons.

–

 

Potential good news for Stanford fans in 2016: Since McCaffery did so well in the Rose Bowl and he’s a good looking,  likeable kid, maybe the television gods, who rule college football, may decide to put the Cardinal on TV at reasonable times in hopes of good ratings.

–

 

It is actually trending on social media that folks are upset because the Stanford band made fun of Iowa with a simple halftime performance featuring a farmer and a corn field and a cow, which included saying that Iowans meet on “farmersonly.com.”
Uh, has anyone who is upset actually seen or heard of the Stanford band before? ‪#‎prettymildbytheirstandards‬

 

#‎TCU‬ beat ‪#‎Qregon‬ after being down 31-0 at ‪#‎AlamoBowl‬?!    Wow. Looking back Jim Bowie and Davy Crockett had better odds against the Mexican army.

–

This is the last time ‪#‎Oregon‬ gets to dip into the celebratory brownies at halftime.

 

So let’s see, neither Iowa nor New Hampshire nor South Carolina has ‪#‎NFL‬ team. Does ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ root for ‪#‎Patriots‬ or ‪#‎Panthers‬?

–

Californians wonder if Fiorina got the idea to root for Iowa because she has fond memories of developing the concept of Demon Sheep there?

–

Note to ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬: If you are going to pander to get votes in GOP primary., pick a state whose team could actually win.

–

Just imagine how popular ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ will be at her next ‪#‎Stanford‬ reunion.

–

The ‪#‎TaxSlayerBowl‬? It’s enough to make you long for the innocent less commercial days of the ‪#‎PoulanWeedEaterBowl‬

–

So was the prize for winning the ‪#‎Motel6CactusBowl‬ not having to spend the night after the game in a ‪#‎Motel6‬?

–

So how long will it be until ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ start railing against the ‪#‎StanfordBand‬?

–

Yahoo Sports reports that Alabama, who beat Wisconsin in their season opener at AT&T, and then MSU in the Cotton Bowl, now has more wins (2) than the Cowboys do this season (1) in Dallas’s home stadium.‪#‎Dallasreallysucks‬

–

Affluenza teen Ethan Couch has hired a prominent Mexican lawyer, Fernando Benitez, to fight his dispensation, and says authorities are “‘unlawfully separating him from his dog.” And even ambulance-chasing lawyers in the U.S. are thinking “Benitez, have you no shame?”

 

On Saturday a group of armed self-described millitiamen took over a federal building in Oregon wildlife refuge after an anti-government rally. So much for that “well-regulated” part.

–

And if you haven’t heard anything on the story on the news… well, the men are white.  And none of them are Muslim.  #justsaying

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Rosy feeling

January 2, 2016

#Iowa discovered today it’s a lot easier to tip a cow than ‪#‎McCaffery ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎fearthetree‬

 

#‎Pac12‬ would be perfect in bowl games if weren’t for those underachieving schools from Southern California.

–

Christian McCaffery’s older brother is a WR at Duke, his younger brother Dylan will be a senior QB in HS & has accepted a scholarship to Colorado. Youngest brother Luke was JV QB last year. Note to ‪#‎Stanford‬ and ‪#‎DavidShaw‬: Recruit him now.

–

So to be a Power Five conference shouldn’t you actually have to win some bowl games? ‪#‎NotsoBig12‬

–

Overhead shot of the ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ in the 4th quarter. Where did all the yellow fans go? ‪#‎Iowa‬ ‪#‎Stanford‬

–

So have to wonder, what did ‪#‎Iowa‬ coach tell his team at ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ halftime? ‪

–

So you think there are any ‪#‎Heisman‬ voters wanting a mulligan? ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ ‪#‎McCaffery‬. ‪#‎Stanford‬

–

Brent Musburger very disappointed in ‪#‎McCaffery‬. Christian doesn’t have a known gorgeous girlfriend who Brent can droll over. ‪#‎RoseBowl‬

–

Stealth bomber again shown flying over the ‪#‎RoseBowl‬. So isn’t it supposed to be invisible?

–

Most of college football would like to thank Jim ‪#‎Harbaugh‬ and ‪#‎Michigan‬ for standing up today against idea of ‪#‎SEC‬ dominance. ‪#‎Citrusbowl‬

–

Note to Stanford grad Carly Fiorina – you’re better off panderingto Iowa with ethanol. And you’re as good at picking teams as you were at running HP. This tweet today “Love my alma mater, but rooting for a Hawkeyes win today. ‪#‎RoseBowl‬”

–

Sometimes you post on social media and later it’s “What was I thinking?”

Not this time though, posted a message to a friend doing ESPN stats for the Rose Bowl  (note time and date) “Hope McCaffery wears you out looking for offensive records that he breaks smile emoticon
December 30, 2015 at 11:17am”

(not that I had the courage of my convictions enough actually to BET on the game, or the records 🙂

–

Ohio State DE Joey Bosa, the likely 1st NFL draft pick was ejected in the 1st quarter of the Fiesta Bowl today for targeting. Well, heck, if he was going to be gone that fast, Bosa could have just done something more fun like missed curfew to party in Scottsdale.

–

At least Bosa did prove he is NFL ready.

–

Bill Cosby apparently sent out a tweet “Friends and fans, Thank You.” Not sure about ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ But certainly ‪#‎cantfixtonedeaf‬.

–

 

–

Categories: football jokes, holiday jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

Happy new year

December 31, 2015

It’s now January 1.  Which means most of us only have about four more months to write 2015 on our checks.

(if I have any millennial readers no doubt you are saying “what is a check?”)

–

Some ‪#‎OrangeBowl‬ worries as to what viewers would do with choice between a close game and watching the ball drop. ‪#‎problemsolved‬ ‪#‎MSUvsAla‬

–

“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch and his mom reportedly had a gun with them in Mexico (which was found by workers at the deluxe resort where they first stayed.) And a lot of Texas Republicans are thinking “See, the kid isn’t all bad.”

 

–

Congrats to the University of ‪#‎Houston‬ on their upset of ‪#‎FSU‬. Does this mean the ‪#‎DallasCowboys‬ are now only the 3rd best team in Texas?

–

At Clemson, they are building a $55 million complex exclusively for football players. It will have a miniature golf course, sand volleyball courts, laser tag, movie theater, bowling lanes, barber shop and more. Athletics spokesman Joe Galbraith – “It’ll be their home on campus, when they’re not in class.” And he said that last phrase with a straight face.

=

The Browns will start QB Austin Davis said Johnny Manziel won’t play Sunday “given he’s in the NFL concussion protocol.” Guess even in Cleveland they can’t say “We’ve addressed his behavior and are giving him one more chance this year” with a straight face.

=

#‎Twitter‬ has hired a new V.P. of Diversity – a white man. ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬ High Tech Division

–

The TCU star quarterback who was arrested and then suspended for the Alamo Bowl apparently made it back to his room for curfew and then went back out. Sure because even had things gone well there was no chance someone might have recognized him and taken a picture for social media. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

–

‪#‎BenCarson‬‘s campaign manager quit. Shocking. This means someone was stll running Carson’s campaign?

–

Rough night for ‪#‎MSU‬. Football fans in Michigan normally aren’t this disappointed unless the ‪#‎Lions‬ are playing

=

Who knows how ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ will turn out but it’s a lovely night in LA. Guessing now ‪#‎Iowa‬ isn’t feeling that bad about that ‪#‎MSU‬ loss.

–

The Rose Bowl tomorrow between Stanford and Iowa is now alas considered second tier with the new College Football Playoff. Why, no team has even had a player get arrested.

–

The Army Research Institute of Environmental Medicine has offered up to $200 for anyone willing to subsist on nothing but so-called “meals, ready-to-eat” (MREs) for 3 weeks.  The scary thing, for many Americans these days, especially fast-food fans, that’s probably a flavor upgrade.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Proof is not in the pudding?

December 31, 2015

Bill Cosby has been released on $1 million bail after being arrested on a 2004 sexual assault charge. Looks like it’s going to be a long trial of “He Said – “She She She She She She She She She She Said.”

 

ESPN reports that Cal quarterback Jared Goff will announce tomorrow that he will enter the NFL draft. Of course, if Goff ends up with the SF 49ers it may be a lateral move.

–

If there was any doubt that Stephen ‪#‎Curry‬ should be leading the ‪#‎NBA‬ ‪#‎MVP‬ vote at this point, the Warriors removed it Wednesday night against Dallas.

–

Johnny Manziel apparently reported to on Wednesday with “concussion-like” symptoms and is being evaluated. So he could miss the Browns’ final game Sunday. Hmm, am I the only one who wonders about the similarity between symptoms of concussions and hangovers?

–

Chip Kelly is gone, but 49ers head coach says “I’m going to coach until somebody tells me I’m not.” Too soon to start a pool…?

–

About 20 passengers on an Air Canada flight from China to Toronto were injured by turbulence today. Want to bet at least 19 of them decided they didn’t need to be wearing their seatbelts?

–

The FAA is investigating after Alaska Airlines accidentally landed a plane on a taxiway instead of a runway at Seattle Airport. Damned Apple maps.

–

Lots of talk about Colin Kaepernick and where he will be next year, but as one analyst said, with that kind of arm there will always be some team that thinks they can fix him. So basically Kap has become the football equivalent of a left-handed pitcher.

–

“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch is fighting extradition back to the United States. Hmm, so how much do we have to pay Mexico to keep him?

–

Authorities are sending ‪#‎Affluenza‬ mom Tonya Couch back to the U.S. where she faces up to 10 years for helping her son escape. While Ethan himself is looking at only 120 days for a probation violation. Why do I get the sense he’ll end up doing something to reunite himself with mom in jail in no time?

–

Microsoft has a new “selfie” app – which “takes age, gender, skin tone, lighting, and many other variables into account, applies different models automatically and finishes enhancement with just a single click.” So it’s supposed to IMPROVE your picture; clearly this is aimed at a generation with little experience of Windows.

–

Rand Paul is attacking Chris Christie, saying the Gov.has spent “219 days outside of New Jersey” (in 2015), even though he “signed a law requiring NJ public employees to be residents and spend majority of their time there.”
To be fair, maybe most residents of New Jersey prefer it when Christie is out of state.

 

Reserve Alabama cornerback has been sent home from the Cotton Bowl by Nick Saban for a “violation of team rules,” Proving once again that coach Saban can be a strict disciplinarian. As long as a reserve player and not a starter is involved.

–

Now for a serious thought, for a change.  Re Clinton and Trump: No one including me is denying that Bill Clinton is a tomcat and has behaved badly over sex. But there is a difference to my mind between Bill’s zipper problem and Trump’s flat-out insulting and hateful attitude towards women – “all of the women on “The Apprentice” flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” And calling a woman lawyer who needed to take a break to pump breast milk “disgusting.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

High crimes and misdemeanors?

December 29, 2015

Ohio State RB Ezekiel Elliott says now he didn’t know his driver’s license had been suspended and “I’m doing everything I can now, my dad is doing everything he can now to get that handled and get my license back in good standing.” Uh, just guessing but maybe his dad taking care of things has been part of the problem?

–

The San Diego Chargers fined Eric Weddle $10,000 and placed him on IR for staying on the sidelines to watch his 7 year-old daughter perform at halftime instead of being with the team on Dec. 20 against Miami. Really, if he had only been in the locker room surreptitiously watching porn on his phone instead…..

–

Cleveland Browns coach Mike Pettine says he will ” have a conversation” with Johnny Manziel after the QB’s most recent social media partying post. What, and tell Manziel if he does this 5-6 more times there will be serious consequences?

–

 

The Olive Garden at Times Square, with a “limited view” of the ball drop, is charging $400 for a New Year’s Eve buffet with open bar. Which basically means about $10 for the food, $40 for the drinks, and $350 for a bathroom.

–

Former New York Gov. George Pataki is dropping out of the race for the GOP Presidential nomination. All together now – “who?!”

–

Whole Foods has settled with New York over allegations of overcharging and will pay the City $500,000. Wonder how much the store will have to raise prices to cover the fine?

–

Theater today advertising special ‪#‎StarWars‬ themed pet toys for furry friends who can’t come to movie with you. ‪#‎maythefarcebewithyou‬ ‪#‎overthetop‬?

 

Not a spoiler but anyone but me think  for all the talk about ‪#‎CarrieFisher‬ she’s aged better than ‪#‎HarrisonFord‬? ‪#‎TheForceAwake

 

Now Trump has retweeted a photo-shopped picture of Jed Bush supposedly picking his nose. So guess we have the answer to the question “Can his campaign get any more sophomoric?”

 

Dallas Cowboys owner and GM Jerry Jones on Tuesday says he doesn’t plan any major changes going into 2016. Which is awesome news. For comedy writers and the rest of the NFC LEast.

–

Steve Harvey is being a good sport about his Miss Universe flub. And it’s paying off for him. Why, I’ve heard Harvey has been asked to come to New York for the New Year’s Eve 2014 Ball Drop.

–

“Affluenza” teenager Ethan Couch and his mother were apprehended today in Puerto Vallartta. Now here’s an interesting question – how many undocumented Mexican immigrants do we have to allow to stay in the US before Mexico would agree to keep him?

–

Now that “Affluenza” teenager Ethan Couch has been nabbed, waiting for some Mexican politician to say Mexico needs to tighten their borders because Americans are clearly not sending their best.

–

So apparently the “affluenza” teen and his mom were caught in Puerto Vallarta when they used their cellphone to order a Domino’s pizza. This has to be a ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ X 2. One, for not realizing a cellphone can work as a tracking device, two, all the money in the world and you order pizza from Domino’s?!!

Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Deja vu all over again

December 29, 2015

 

Apparently ANOTHER video of Johnny Manzel drinking and partying has surfaced, this time from Christmas Eve in someone’s home. These regular pools are getting too easy – congrats to anyone who has the November 21-December 24 exacta.

–

Maybe not a moment of silence for the great  Harlem Globetrotters’ Meadowlark Lemon – wouldn’t it be more appropriate if we all hummed a few bars of “Sweet Georgia Brown?”

Hope watching the Philadelphia 76ers this year gave ‪#‎MeadowlarkLemon‬ some last warm memories of the Washington Generals.

 

Ohio State star RB Ezekiel Elliott, the team’s leading rusher, was cited after a “minor car crash” yesterday in Columbus in which one passenger sustained minor injuries. The citations were for “driving under suspension, driving without a license and failure to control his car.” An OSU spokesman said the incident will not affect Elliott’s status for the Fiesta Bowl Friday. “I am shocked” said nobody who knows Urban Meyer.

–

A former N.J. police officer who admitted to having sex with multiple women on duty, including inside his car, now is contending that he shouldn’t have been fired over the trysts. And so will he also demand a retro-active bonus for multitasking?

–

A 21 year-old Dartmouth College swimmer has died at a YMCA pool after trying to complete four laps underwater without surfacing to breathe. Awful for his family, but proof again that IQ points are no deterrent from a Darwin award.

–

Aroldis Chapman, under investigation for a domestic violence incident where he admitted to firing a gun several times in his garage, has been traded to the Yankees. Well, that ought to make the Bronx Bombers even more popular outside New York.

–

 

The four top seeds in the NFL playoffs may be the Patriots, Cardinals, Bengals and Panthers. Are we sure those last three aren’t a sign of the apocalypse?

–

#‎NFL‬ arrests are down this year. Still, always seems a bit odd to hear referee after the coin toss say “Good luck, gentlemen.” ‪#‎Gentlemen‬?

–

Former Louisiana State Representative and KKK Leader David Duke says that while he likes Donald Trump, “I don’t agree with everything he says, he speaks a little more, actually he speaks a lot more radically than I talk.” ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬ ‪#‎nottheOnion‬.

–

Holland America Line says that “Dancing with the Stars At Sea” is going away. This news no doubt disappoints tens of thousands of women and about two men.

 

‪#‎AshleyMadison‬ says they have added 4 million new users since their July hack. Two words: death wish.

–

David Spade, one of that rare breed of Hollywood Republicans, is criticizing Barack and Michelle Obama for their appearances on reality TV, saying the President is “thirsty,” and “should have a little more dignity.”
So what’s next, Spade’s endorsement of Donald Trump?

–

In Toronto, police are looking for the driver of a Lamborghini who crashed into another car this morning, then was picked up by BMW and fled the scene. Hmm…..any chance that affluenza kid and his mom from Texas headed north?

(Breaking news just when i posted this, he may have been caught in Mexico.)

–

From Marc Ragovin:   “The NBA has suspended Memphis guard Matt Barnes two games for his role in a preseason fight with Knicks’ coach Derek Fisher. Asked if would appeal the penalty, the chastened Grizzlie said he would “just grin and bear it.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Looking back

December 28, 2015

Kobe Bryant,  asked about going back in time to offer advice to himself as a rookie said “compassion & empathy.”   And presumably don’t order room service?

–

The Arizona Cardinals look so good this year you have to wonder if Cuba Gooding, Jr. isn’t somehow involved. ‪#‎Showmethemoney‬ ‪#‎JerryMaguire‬

–

Atlanta Falcons beat the previously undefeated Carolina Panders  give the 72 Miami Dolphins cause to ask their kids or grandkids to open those pesky champagne bottles for them.

–

So many bowls this year that are akin to participation trophies with both teams aspiring to mediocrity. By that token the 49ers-Lions match-up should be an honorary bowl game.

 

Thom Brennaman, announcing SF-Detroit today – ‘”When you make mistakes like we’ve seen the 49ers make in this game, it’s not a surprise that they’ve won four games this year.”
Well, actually you do wonder how they managed to win those four games.

–

Houston beat up on Tennessee behind Brandon Weeden. How can you not root for a team led by a QB cut last month by the Dallas Cowboys? (who ended up doing SO well without him)

–

Stephen Colbert said today “Donald Trump is like — I’m not the first person to say this, but I completely agree — that he’s my old character with 10 billion dollars.” Except that we could laugh at Colbert without it hurting.

 

At a Walmart this week, a woman was arrested for allegedly shooting up meth and then riding a motorized shopping car through the store while drinking wine, eating sushi, cinnamon rolls and rotisserie chicken. Do I even have to say “Florida?”

And of course, to be fair, Walmart sushi might be more dangerous than the meth.

–

A Louisville mall had to close early last night because of almost 2,000 disorderly teens wreaking havoc in the shopping center. ‪#‎Ifonlytheywerearmed‬

 

A Southwest Airlines flight from Sacramento to Denver tonight was diverted to Oakland Sunday evening after they had “pressurization issues.” So which airline will be the first to add a “pressurization” fee?

–

“The Force Awakens” has passed $1 billion at the global box office. And Disney is now researching ways to help Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher live to be at least 100. ‪#‎Episode27‬?

–

Donald Trump today is accusing Bill Clinton of sexism. And both the pot and kettle are doubled over in hysterics.

–

Supposedly Hillary and Bill Clinton joined Chelsea, her husband Marc and baby Charlotte on a walk around mid-town Manhattan today and even stopped in a bookstore. Unbelievable, as if in mid-town Manhattan any bookstore could still exist and afford the rent

–

Finally.  Seriously.  Damn, R.I.P. Dave Henderson, 57. Impossible to dislike, even when he played for a team you hated. Going to be a lot livelier during those softball games in heaven.

Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, holiday jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Holiday cheer hangover?

December 27, 2015

Apparently the 3rd biggest Kickstarter Campaign of 2015 was a card game called “Exploding Kittens.” For all those who find “Cards Against Humanity” just a little too PC?

 

A new Al Jazeera report names several prominent athletes including Peyton Manning, Ryan Howard and Ryan Zimmerman as having received HGH. Thinking again it’s about time to put a big asterisk outside the Hall of Fame(s) and be done with it.

–

In Texas, three grocery stores, including local chain H.E.B., Whole Foods and Safeway, have said they will opt out of the state’s new open-carry law, which takes effect Jan 1. So folks who like to police their fellow shoppers will just have to find another way to enforce that “15 items or less” rule.

–

At LaGuardia Airport, after reports of smoke coming from a Spirit Airlines aircraft, more than 200 passengers were evacuated without injury. Even though many disobeyed flight attendant instructions to leave their carry-on bags on the plane.
How foolish, leaving aside the safety issues no doubt Spirit would have charged them another fee to bring the bags back on board.

 

The Philadelphia Eagles not only gave away the game tonight with all their penalties and turnovers, they probably took away a potential  classic great Internet meme featuring the Kirk Cousins “knee doesn’t quite equal spike” play.

–

Groupon is offering a deal for half price on two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts. So you can get a head star on breaking your New Year’s resolutions.

–

Cellphones do allow us to do many things easier and more quickly, including qualifying for Darwin awards: In San Diego a man who was looking at his phone on Christmas Day just walked off a cliff. Literally. Hope the guy’s friends and family kept the receipts for his presents. ‪#‎bustohell‬

–

FSU senior QB Everett Golson, who transfered after last season from Notre Dame, and then got demoted mid-season, did not travel with the team to Atlanta for the Peach Bowl for “personal reasons.”
Just guessing that the reasons involve Golson not starting?

–

Snow. Lots of snow. At ‪#‎Sunbowl‬ in El Paso, Texas. Cue the hell freezing over comments.

–

Duke-Indiana today in the Pinstripe Bowl. Wonder how many viewers saw the matchup, tuned in, and were disappointed when they learned it wasn’t college basketball?

–

Two Cleveland Browns were arrested last night. after a traffic stop for speeding, one for DUI. one for Adderall without a prescription.. Police also found a gun in the car.  The team is both disappointed and relieved: Johnny Manziel was not involved

–

Big brother Max now has a bowl win at Duke. Time for Christian McCaffery to hold up his end of the family in the Rose Bowl. ‪#‎GoStanford‬

–

Nebraska and UCLA ended up in the Foster Farms Bowl at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, CA, while Duke and Indiana got the Pinstripe Bowl at Yankee Stadium. Who knew that the Blue Devils and Hoosiers would get to spend Christmas in warm weather?

–

So was ‪#‎UCLA‬‘s excuse for tonight’s ‪#‎FosterFarmsBowl‬ that the weather is more like ‪#‎Nebraska‬ in December than California?

 

Donald Trump apparently spent Christmas in Palm Beach.  Makes sense, the Donald wanted to find a state to optimize his chances of not being the craziest person in the room.

–

A 24 year old tourist from Pakistan is now staying at Rikers Island instead of the Sheraton Brooklyn. He got frustrated over a check-in delay and allegedly said there’s a “bomb in there” about his luggage. (There wasn’t)
If true, the guy may not be charged with terrorism, but with criminal stupidity.

 

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  “Tesla announced they are two years away from a driverless car. And BMW is three years away from a douche-bag-less car.”

Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

You better watch out.

December 26, 2015

Good thing Santa Claus got entrenched before the U.S. really started politicizing EVERYTHING. For starters we’d have conservatives questioning Santa’s immigration status and socialist giveaways, and some liberals complaining about his carbon footprint and potential abuse of reindeer.

–

The winning Christmas tweet of the year comes from Bette Midler: “Happy holidays to all: Here is my recipe for dairy-free, sugar-free, vegan eggnog: Bourbon.”

–

Just saw “The Big Short”, which has to be a strong contender for “Best Picture” along with a lot of other awards. But if you’ve always watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” and felt sympathy for Mr. Potter, then it’s also the feel-good movie of the season.

And then there’s the original “Miracle on 34th Street”, to my mind the best Christmas movie ever, even with the ridiculous colorization. Any other nominees? ‪#‎IbelieveIbelieve‬

–

So THIS is a major on-line headline on Christmas: “Ashton Kutcher was seen exiting the Ancient Therapy Thai massage parlor in Los Angeles last week, but there is no evidence of improper behavior, multiple outlets reported. Kutcher is married to Mila Kunis.” ‪#‎beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

–

Serena Williams won her fourth female AP athlete of the year. Congrats to Serena on another great year. But isn’t it just possible she’s the only female athlete many voters know.

–

Not sure exactly when the tradition started, but kind of hard to imagine in these times that millions of over-protective parents cheerfully put their little children on a bearded foreign stranger’s lap and tell the kids to ask him for presents.

–

A British astronaut apparently tried to call home and dialed a wrong number. Will be interesting to see how much his mobile phone company charged him for the mistake.

–

 

Jeb Bush has abandoned his efforts to trademark “Jeb!” So is he just going to go with the more direct “Loser!”?

 

So THIS is a major on-line headline on Christmas: “Ashton Kutcher was seen exiting the Ancient Therapy Thai massage parlor in Los Angeles last week, but there is no evidence of improper behavior, multiple outlets reported. Kutcher is married to Mila Kunis.” ‪beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬.

–
What’s harder to believe.  72 degree weather in New York on Christmas Day? Or this headline “Redskins poised to lock up NFC East on Saturday night?

–

Not sure exactly when the tradition started, but kind of hard to imagine in these times that millions of over-protective parents cheerfully put their little children on a bearded foreign stranger’s lap and tell the kids to ask him for presents.

–

In early returns of 2016 NBA All-Star voting, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant has 719,235 votes, not only leading with all players, but with almost as many votes as Stephen Curry and LeBron James put together.

Sounds like the people voting for the All-Stars are the same ones answering GOP Presidential pollsters.

–

What’s more unbelievable? 72 degree weather in New York on Christmas Day? Or this headline “Redskins poised to lock up NFC East on Saturday night?

 

Seriously for a change, and to all my readers and friends. Hope you had a Merry Christmas or happy whatever you celebrate. Whether you are part of the choir I preach to, or whether I am one of your few commie-pinko friends, whether I have met you in real life or only in cyber-space, I am grateful for all of you.
(well, most of the time anyway. Now back to snark. 🙂

Starting with the voodoo cat.   And her non-denominational humbug.

xmasxena

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Ho, ho, ho.

December 25, 2015

Really disappointed, it’s Christmas Eve and I haven’t gotten a Thanksgiving card from Steve Harvey.

–

NORAD was doing their  usual good work tracking Santa last night. Let’s see, a foreign bearded man flying with an overweight cargo of mystery packages, and he says he is only carrying weapons on behalf of those who wished for them. Waiting to see some GOP candidate blame this on Obama.

–

The Hanford Nuclear Reservation in Washington, home of the U.S.’s largest collection of toxic radioactive waste, is now the U.S’s newest national parks. (Apparently tourists won’t be allowed near the waste itself.). Could be cool, the only national park where you won’t need flashlights after dark.

 

In their possible last game in Oakland, the Raiders won 23-20, in OT, to move to 7-8 on the season. Alas for fans who remember the halcyon playoff days, there is no chance the team moves to the NFC East.

–

A Northern California man is out on bail, three days after being arrested for making threats outside a Richmond mosque and posting a picture of a pipe bomb and anti-Islam rants on Facebook. So where are the GOP candidates screaming about terrorism on this one?

–

The Fox Business Network has decided the next GOP debate can include only six candidates, based on the most recent polls. So no doubt the number was chosen to optimize ratings. But without a single vote being cast this decision is being made by a group of people too bored or stupid to hang up on telephone pollsters?

–

If we really are going to count meaningless non-votes for the GOP presidential primaries in deciding the debates, why not forget the polls and do an American Idol set-up. Lowest total gets voted off each week. Then we might really be talking ratings.

–

SportsCenter said Malcolm Butler’s game-ending interception against the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl was the top play of the year. Okay, but should the “Top Play” really be the result of one of the “Not Top Ten Plays” of all time? ‪#‎shouldhavehandedofftoLynch‬ ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

–

Bristol Palin had her second child yesterday, and named the little girl “Sailor.” Because “Saint” was already taken?

–

Stanford has a big billboard out football stadium touting Kevin Hogan, Christian McCaffery and their “99 percent grad rate” And at Cal they are thinking. “So is that more than half?”

–

Dec 24 was the Popeye Bahamas Bowl. Middle Tennessee and Western Michigan. This is the rare bowl where both teams win, by getting to spend Christmas in Nassau instead of Murfreesboro and Kalamazoo.

–

Although shouldn’t  a rule for a bowl game be, that you have to be able to sell more tickets that there are players on the field.

 

–

Hyatt Hotels just announced, while they aren’t sure of how many cards may have been compromised, the company apparently discovered malware on their payment processing computers 3 weeks ago. 3 weeks?! Well, nothing can go wrong in that time….

–

The Phoenix Suns suspended underachieving forward Markieff Morris for two games today after he threw a towel at coach Jeff Hornacek. Fortunately for Hornacek, since it was Morris, he missed..

 

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Lowering the bar.

December 19, 2015

Florida announced that QB Will Grier. suspended until late in the 2016 season for PEDs, will transfer. Coach Jim McElwain said “this has been very difficult on him and obviously he is looking for a fresh start.” Obviously. Or at least more lax drug testing.

–

Martin Shkreli has tweeted out “I am confident I will prevail. The allegations against me are baseless and without merit.” Uh, has it occurred to Shkreli that the only people who don’t think he’s a complete scumbag are the same people who are plenty rich enough to get out of jury duty?

–

The first college bowl game – the Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl – was today was between Alcorn State and North Carolina A&T – Be honest. Who even knew those two schools had football teams?

–

Our symbol is not the barbed wire fence, it is the Statue of Liberty. ‪#‎DemDebate‬ ‪#‎OMalley‬ ‪#‎Stillwontwinbutnicelysaid‬

–

#‎MartinOMalley‬ “Can I offer another generation’s perspective?” Not like millennials are watching, but if they were “you guys are all old.”

–

Love Bernie Sanders but every time you see him talk you expect to hear him yell “You punks get off my lawn.” ‪#‎DemDebate‬

So Matt Cassell managed to throw an interception and get called for intentional grounding on the same play. ‪#‎NYJvsDAL‬ Somewhere Mark Sanchez is giggling. ‪#‎almostabuttfumble‬

–

#‎MartinOMalley‬ “Can I offer another generation’s perspective?” Not like millennials are watching, but if they were “you guys are all old.”

 

–

Obama met with families of those people killed in San Bernadino yesterday, and a local GOP supervisor criticizing him for it. saying the President should have met with the wounded too. The supervisor also accused Obama of “politicizing” the tragedy. And he said it with a straight face. ‪#‎cantwin‬

 

Tonight the ‪#‎DallasCowboys‬ were officially eliminated from the playoffs. No punchline, I just like writing it.

Categories: debate jokes, political jokes. election jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Can’t tell anything without a score card?

December 19, 2015

The College Bowl season starts this Saturday. And if you can name more than one of the first weekend’s games, you might have WAY too much time on your hands.

–

ESPN complained during the Clippers-Spurs game about the “hack-a-Jordan” strategy, saying it was ridiculous. Of course, what might be more ridiculous is a well-paid professional athlete not learning to shoot simple free throws.

–

Cool. A 74-year-old man wins $1 Million from a scratch-off lottery ticket. Would be even cooler if he’s optimistic enough to take the payout over 20 years.

–

A German woman is suing Airbnb after she and her husband discovered a hidden camera in their rental unit, that they believe was being operated remotely, and recorded “personal and intimate” details. And just guessing the unit owner wasn’t giving a discount for their guests providing entertainment?

–

There are claims now that Bernie Sanders aides stole Hillary Clinton’s secret voter lists. Hmm, is this how the Sanders campaign is trying to prove they are big time?

–

Apple stock has fallen over 20% recently. And somewhere Steve Jobs is snickering “No one person is indispensable my ass.”

–

Martin Shkreli, the price-gouging CEO who was arrested yesterday on securities fraud, was released on $5 million bond, and tweeted “Glad to be home, thanks for the support? “Support?” Sounds like not only is Shkreli an asshole, he’s delusional as well.

–

NM Governor Susana Martinez says she “regrets the way the situation was handled” after she called 911 at 1:30a after a noise complaint was made against a party in her room at a Santa Fe hotel and told police to “call them off.”
The police recording says that someone called the hotel front desk about a loud party and said guests were throwing bottles off of a balcony. (The Gov. says it was just snowballs.)
Martinez has been mentioned as a possible V.P. candidate. Well, I suppose this might help with the GOP’s stodgy reputation.

–

We interrupt the usual picking on other states for a California item of ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬: Downtown Los Altos, two young men on skateboards, with Safeway bags in one hand, drinks in another, skateboarding down the middle of the street. In the dark. So maybe they thought getting Darwin awards would get them out of needing to buy Christmas presents?

–

 

On the O’Reilly Factor, a spokeswoman for Donald Trump asked what the point of having nuclear weapons is if the United States is “afraid” to use them. Of course by the same “afraid to use them” logic she might have asked what the point is of several of the GOP candidates having brains…

–

A San Jose elementary school had a decades-old field trip tradition of having kindergarten child deliver letters to Santa at a local coffee shop. Then a Jewish mom, who said she was “not anti-Christmas but wanted other religions to be represented,” wrote a four-page letter and asked that the trip be canceled. And the school agreed.
Some parents are protesting by taking their kids out of school and doing the visit themselves. But come on, you want other religions represented, fine, volunteer to bring Hannakuh cookies and talk about the holiday. Or whatever. But can we just LIGHTEN UP?

Categories: football jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

A little good news

December 18, 2015

Martin Shkreli, the infamous CEO of Turing Pharma who raised the price of an AIDS pill by over 5,000% was arrested today on charges of securities fraud. Mean bitch karma for the win!

 

Disney has announced that due to security concerns, visitors over the age of 14 will no longer be able to wear costumes in their theme parks, even on Halloween. Well, that’s just Goofy.

 

New Walt Disney theme park enhanced security will mean no costumes, no toy guns (including light sabers?), and metal detectors at the entrances. Although if they really want to keep people safe Disney could just threaten anyone arrested as a terror suspect with being locked for hours inside “It’s a Small World.” ‪#‎torture‬

–

So will ‪#‎Adele‬‘s next sad song be about trying to buy tickets to her own concerts?

–

 

The San Francisco school district apparently got an email threat similar to the one sent to Los Angeles and NY, but decided to stay open. So sorry kids, looks like closing down your school is no longer an alternative to studying for finals.

–

According to TMZ, RIchard Simmons has refused to go out in public for two years because he no longer wants to be famous. And most Americans at this point are saying “Who?”

–

Two quarterbacks in a week have decided to transfer from Texas A&M. And at 49ers headquarters Kaepernick and Gabbert are wondering “You can do that?”

–

Glenn Beck says if Donald Trump is nominated – “you are going to see an end to the Republican Party.” Hmm. Promise?

 

Ben Carson is canceling planned trips to Israel, Nigeria, Kenya and Zambia, citing “security concerns.” So the good Doctor can stay in the U.S. and slam President Obama for not providing courageous leadership?

 

 

When police arrested two suspects for allegedly stealing Amazon packages off of porches, one of them had a nicely written daily “to do” list with her – including “kiss mom n tell her she’s loved, ” (aw) “shop-lift” (‪#‎cantfixstupid‬) And no, not Florida. San Diego.

 

 

 

 

From T.C. “MLB Commissioner Manfred has upheld the ban on Pete Rose being associated with any Major League baseball team. Rose is considering applying for a position with The Seattle Mariners.”

 

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Holidaze

December 14, 2015

So just wondering. How come we can’t say ‪#‎MerryChristmas‬ but we have to listen to ‪#‎GodBlessAmerica‬ at every Sunday ‪#‎MLB‬ game?

–

Holiday tip of the day. If you have an SUV large enough to carry two kids’ soccer teams, you just MIGHT be too big to park in a “compact car” spot

 

Scott Cochran, Alabama’s strength and conditioning coach for football, was rumored to be leaving for Georgia. But he will remain with the Crimson Tide, reportedly with a raise. USA Today says Cochran’s current salary is $420,000 and he probably will get at least $500,000 to stay.
Hmm, wonder what professors make at Alabama?

–

Amazon has apparently removed most hoverboards from their site over safety concerns, specifically that some models could catch fire and explode. And here I was thinking the biggest worry was falling off the things.

–

Apparently new MLB commission Rob Manfred has decided to keep Pete Rose’s lifetime ban in place. It’s always seemed to me a reasonable solution was to allow Rose to be on the Hall of Fame ballot, but ban him from ever holding a job again in baseball. Not having the career hits leader on a plaque seems wrong.

–

Right about now the #‎Spurs‬ and ‪#‎Warriors‬  are doing good job convincing casual basketball fans there’s no need to pay attention until ‪#‎NBA‬ Western Conference Finals.

–

#‎SFGiants‬ apparently got ‪#‎JohnnyCueto‬. Clearly there’s something here about the hair.

 

You know the MLB free agent market is out of whack when 6 years $130 million for ‪#‎JohnnyCueto‬ seems like a reasonably priced deal. ‪#‎SFGIANTS‬

–

The FAA says drone owners will have to register their remote-controlled aircraft starting Dec 21. But what if your drone is armed?

–

 

Tennessee Sen. Bob Corker says he has refiled his financial disclosure forms after a WSJ report said he didn’t file millions of dollars worth of investments and profits he received since joining the Senator in 2007. Corker now says “I am extremely disappointed in the filing errors that were made in earlier financial disclosure reports.”
Well, I am sure he is extremely disappointed that he got caught.

–

An 11-year-old girl who was visiting a friend with some other classmates was fatally shot by a 12-year-old boy at his Tennessee home Friday night. If only the kids had been armed.

–

Police have now charged Ole Miss DL Robert Nkemdiche with marijuana possession after his fall from a hotel window this weekend. Police say they found the football star “conscious and breathing while lying on the ground near the Hyatt’s sidewalk and driveway — and a group of several associates. None of them claimed to know why Nkemdiche had fallen out the double-pane room window.”

Hmm, maybe more than one person should have been charged with possession of something….

 

Donald Trump, on Iowa polls show him losing to Ted Cruz “Don’t worry, it’s just Iowa.” Well, that ought to make the Donald even more popular in the state.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

Four and niners

December 13, 2015

On a brighter note for the ‪#‎SF49ers‬, they only had the same number of losses this weekend as the ‪#‎GSWarriors‬.

 

 

Ole Miss star DL Robert Nkemdiche is in stable condition with “multiple cuts” after falling out of a fourth floor window in Atlanta. Now, i know academics aren’t a priority in the SEC. But future players might not want to miss the lecture on gravity.

–

When you look up “regression to the mean” in the dictionary, today an example might be Blaine Gabbert. ‪#‎SFvsCLE‬ ‪

–

So how did this ‪#‎SF49ers‬ team actually win four games?

–

Will Ferrell, on SNL last night as George W. Bush. “The field of Republicans out there is so messed up, it makes you miss me,” And a whole lot of Americans laughed and then thought… “Well, actually…. almost.”

–

Despite the Browns’ win today, Johnny Manziel was at one point so upset about an interception that he slammed his head into a tablet. Not sure about the computer, but at least Manziel himself avoided injury by using the hardest part of his body.

–

Worst thing for the ‪#‎Clevelandbrowns‬ tonight?  ‪#‎JohnnyManziel‬ had something to celebrate.

–

In England, an alleged drunk driver tried to run away from a hit and run accident by hiding in a nativity scene.  He was caught and arrested. #notsowiseman

–

Mark Zuckerberg has posted a picture of himself changing his new baby’s diaper. So was Zuckerberg so involved in creating Facebook that he thinks a dad doing this is a big deal?

–

In New York, a 25-year-old woman was arrested during a prostitution sting by an undercover cop. And she brought her 14 month-old child along. So maybe she thought it was “Bring your child to work day?”

–

Trump complained today that drought water restrictions in some places make it very difficult to wash his hair “It’s a disaster.”  So, who needs a wall, we’ve figured out at least the way to keep Trump out of California.

 

–

Donald Trump today called Ted Cruz “a little bit of a maniac.” Both the pot and the kettle are giggling.

 

There are rumors that Justin Bieber has been “hooking up” with Kourtney Kardashian. ‪#‎dearGoddontletthembreed‬

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Fit to be tied.

December 10, 2015

 

There’s a three-way tie atop NFC East at 5-7. Call me old-fashioned, but it would be nice for NFL division winners at least to have records that make them bowl eligible.

 

–

Goldstar is offering discount rates for William Shatner’s one-man show in San Francisco, “Shatner’s World.” But really, shouldn’t we be able to name our own price?

 

MLB is now recommending that for safety reasons teams install protective netting in front of lower level seats inside the baselines. And in Boston presumably a bit further out into left field in case a certain third baseman going for a ball tumbles into the stands.

–

Reports are that if Marissa Mayer is fired by Yahoo, her severance package could reach $110 million. Wow. That’s enough money that in a few years Mayer can use the money to run for President touting her leadership ability.

–

Phrase on a local radio station many San Francisco fans thought they’d never hear at the beginning of the season – “the 49ers can build around Blaine Gabbert.”

–

Well, apparently this is probably a hoax.  But most media picked up the story today of Mexican Drug Lord “El Chapo” being upset at ISIS – telling them they “made a mistake” in destroying one of his shipments. And emailing their leader “I pity the next son of a whore who tries to interfere with the business of the Sinaloa cartel. I will have their hearts and tongues torn from them.”

If it IS a hoax, setting El Chapo after ISIS actually isn’t that bad an idea.

–

Some have opined that Donald Trump’s candidacy is a plot to help Hillary Clinton. I just hope it’s not a plot to make the rest of the GOP look reasonable by comparison.

–

Many conservatives were happy with Antonin Scalia’s comments about affirmative action. Well, if he feels so strongly about not admitting kids who can’t keep pace academically, wonder what the reaction would be if instead of going after African-Americans, the Justice had just called to dismantle college football?

–

United Airlines is apparently thinking of offering pyjamas to their international business class passengers. That’s in business class. In coach presumably they are thinking about charging passengers who are wearing extra clothes.

 

Russell Taylor, the former head of Jared Fogle’s charity was sentenced to 27 years in prison for making child porn, after begging the judge for a light sentence and “not allow me to rot in the landfill of lost souls.”
Got news for the guy, a lot of the convicts are upset about the thought of having to rot with HIM.

–

Sad sign of the times: The local news is reporting on a lock down at a San Jose school – an “active shooter drill.”

 

There’s something that doesn’t quite make sense when we have Americans who for “safety” reasons want to register Muslims but not register guns.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »