Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category
October 18, 2013
FOX has announced that all World Series games this year will take place at 8:07pm EST, except for Sunday night’s game which will start at 815p. Way to pull in children as lifelong fans…. kids on the East Coast will be lucky to make it up for 3 innings.
–
SF Giants fans watching tonight’s NLCS game had to be shaking their heads – who knew you were allowed to score runs on Clayton Kershaw?
Alas in the NLCS for Dodgers fans against the #stlcards, Clayton #Kershaw turned out to be no Barry Zito.
–
At about the 5th inning it became obvious that not even Mike Matheny giving Wacha the game ball will save the Dodgers. #beatLA
–
From Giants Hot Corner: “Tonight was the first rainy, 9-0 win to clinch a NL pennant since… the Giants beat the Cardinals last year”
–
(Congrats to St. Louis, actually. But bet they won’t have anywhere near as cool a souvenir as the SF Giants rain globe.)
–
In college football, UCF (University of Central Florida) had a last minute rally to upset previously undefeated Louisville tonight, 38-35. Wonder if the Golden Knights got a congratulatory phone call from the president of the SEC?
–
Enterprise Rent-A-Car announced they will start renting Harley-Davidson motorcycles on the Las Vegas Strip. Great, let’s mix testosterone, motorbikes and Vegas…. With possibly alcohol. What could possibly go wrong?
–
A federal air marshal was arrested yesterday at Nashville Airport for allegedly using his cellphone to take upskirt pictures of female passengers boarding a plane. If the guy wanted to see under women’s clothes, why didn’t he just get a job running TSA’s body scanners?
–
I must say that watching Prince Fielder play first is really making me miss watching that svelte young man Pablo Sandoval. #ALCS
–
From TC “Phoenix Cardinals WR Larry Fitzgerald is enrolled in the U of Phoenix and is working on a degree in Communications. Too bad he couldn’t get QB Carson Palmer signed up as well so they could both be on the same page.”
–
Mitch McConnell said there will not be another government shutdown: “I think we have now fully acquainted our new members with what a losing strategy that is.” Ted Cruz said he wouldn’t rule it out and will “continue to do anything to stop the train wreck that is Obamacare.” This is beginning to remind me of some folks who brag about their parenting skills while their little darlings run amok.
–
So between the government being shut down and the government not being shut down is there any real difference in what Congress is not doing?
–
–
Russian airline Transaero will get its first Airbus A380 in 2015, and while they plan 12 First and 24 Business Class seats, the carrier plans to put 612 seats in economy class. Don’t tell United Airlines.
–
FOX has announced that all World Series games this year will take place at 8:07pm EST, except for Sunday night’s game which will start at 815p. Way to pull in children as lifelong fans…. kids on the East Coast will be lucky to make it up for 3 innings.
–
A woman who was working as a drug informant asked two POLICE OFFICERS she was riding with to help find a hitman to kill her husband. She was arrested when she met the “hitman”, who was an undercover officer, and gave him a shotgun. You guessed it, Florida. (Though Arizona would have been a good 2nd choice.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Dodgers jokes, janice hough jokes, NCAA jokes, NLCS jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 11, 2013
Oops: The Vatican just withdrew thousands of official papal medals from sale when they discovered they had misspelled Jesus’ name as “”Lesus”. Guess this doesn’t do much for the doctrine of papal infallibility.
–
The Oakland Raiders will play a 2014 NFL home game in London at Wembley. “Black Hole” meets soccer hooligans, wonder if the NFL is chipping in for police overtime….
–
The Duggars say they are “actively trying” for their 20th child. And somewhere God is thinking “When I said go forth and multiply, I wasn’t thinking numbers that required a calculator.
–
NY Jets TE Kellen Winslow is the latest player to receive a 4 game suspension for violating the NFL’s PED policy. He issued the standard “I apologize but I have no idea what happened because I would never knowingly take banned substances” statement….
–
Mark Zuckerberg has spent $30 million on four houses that border his home in Palo Alto. And for the Facebook founder to have that kind of privacy, guess the site will only need to add a few more ad generators invading ours….
–
The MAC has announced a new bowl game known as the Boca Raton Bowl beginning in 2014. This is great news for all these teams who thought they might finish 6-6 and tragically miss the postseason.
–
Stay classy Ted Cruz. When the Texas Senator spoke yesterday at a Tea Party event, he said he was going to meetings with the President, and “if I’m never seen again, please send a search and rescue team.”
–
At Texas A&M, they are getting rid of the natural grass surface at Kyle Field after the season, and will sell it for $400 for a 460 sq ft pallet. Alas, the NY Giants share a stadium with the Jets. Otherwise Giants fans might be interested in a similar deal – if they can sell the Met Life field in chunks NOW, so the team could stop trying to play on it.
–
Nazi war criminal Erich Priebke, 100, has died. He was under house arrest serving a life term for his part in a massacre of 335 civilians near Rome in 1944. Priebke’s lawyer announced his death saying “”The dignity with which he withstood his persecution made him an example of courage, coherence and loyalty.” Even Jerry Sandusky’s legal team is thinking “I want to throw up.”
–
Well, it may hurt a bit if Zach Wheeler turns into an All-Star. But at least the SF Giants’ idea to trade for Carlos Beltran in 2011 has been validated. #BeatLA
–
A federal judge ruled today that MLB can legally prohibit the Oakland A’s from moving to San Jose. Well, that ought to give Bud Selig’s “Blue Ribbon” committee enough to keep them deliberating another 5-10 years..
–
Good week for Mitt Romney. The California Coastal Commission approved his plans to tear down his 3,000 sq-ft home in La Jolla, and build a 11,000 sq ft replacement. And he and Ann just bought an $8 million home in Park City to replace the one they sold before he ran for President. And these days Mitt doesn’t have to deal with any silly reporters asking him how many homes he has.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, janice hough jokes, playoffs jokes, Raiders jokes, vatican jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
October 10, 2013
Talk about a culture of diminished expectations. The Dow rose over 300 points today over a GOP proposal for a temporary debt ceiling raise, which would keep the government shut down. It’s like dropping the insurance rates on a wild teenage party, because one or two adults might have shown up.
–
So wonder if the #OaklandAthletics have invited the #DetroitTigers to jump in their stadium sewage?
–
The rumors of Justin Verlander’s pitching demise have been greatly exaggerated.
–
As Sonny Gray took the mound for Oakland tonight, A’s fans were thinking “Madison Bumgarner.” Tigers fans were thinking “Salomon Torres.”
–
Big money ball thought of the day: You could add the payrolls of the Detroit Tigers and Oakland As together, and still be about $30 million less than the LA Dodgers…
–
Wild times in Provo. Apparently Coke Zero, which is forbidden along with other caffeinated beverages at Mormon-owned BYU, was accidentally stocked in a campus vending machine, and according to the Salt Lake Tribune “immediately caused a run on the machine.” Just imagine the profit potential for smuggling Starbucks….
–
SF 49ers’ LB Aldon Smith was charged with 3 felony counts of illegal possession of an assault weapon yesterday. The guns in question are legal in some states, but not California. Considering the variation in state laws, free agency rules, and some players’ mindsets, you’d think Florida and Arizona would have better football teams….
–
From T.C. “In honor of QB Matt Schaub, A Houston pizza joint has a item called “Pick 6″ toppings. It’s pickup only as the owner figures deliveries could be intercepted.”
–
The service academies will be able to continue playing football and other sports through the end of October, despite the government shutdown. Well, with our country’s priorities so in order, sounds like things will be resolved by Nov 1.
–
Actor James Woods told a Twitter follower “‘I don’t expect to work again” after he criticized President-Obama over the government shutdown. Responded most Americans “Who’s James Woods?”
–
The Democrats and Republicans are often going to disagree. And laws will be passed in future that one or another party does not like. So to those who are cheering Boehner’s shutdown strategy, assume you have no problem with Democrats doing it in future when THEY strongly believe a law is dangerous to our country? #thenewnormal
–
A friend of a friend is against Obamacare because of the “tyranny of forcing people to buy something from a private company.” So what’s the next government shutdown going to be over? Car insurance?
–
The Jonas Brothers canceled their planned concert tour because of “a deep rift within the band.” And in a display of bipartisan unity, both GOP and Democratic parents who had promised to take their pre-teens to the shows, said “Now, there’s a shutdown we can get behind.”
–
Saddest thing about a sad Glee episode, the disclaimer during the credits “The events and characters depicted in this motion picture are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events, is purely coincidental.” Tonight, wish that that were true. #Rememberingcory
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #remembering Cory, debt ceiling jokes, Janice Hough, shutdown jokes, Tigers jokes, Verlander jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
October 9, 2013
Washington owner Dan Snyder about the Redskins name “It isn’t just where we came from — it’s who we are.” “Who we are?” Well, guess “Sucky Football Team” doesn’t fit on a jersey.
–
In the SF Bay Area, BART unions are apparently ready to strike for a second time. Apparently trying to see if it’s possible to get even more unpopular than Congress.
–
This might be a more controversial post than the shutdown lines, but here goes:
When interviewed for local radio and asked for his NLDS prediction, Chipper Jones had predicted LA would beat Atlanta in 4 games. So the entire Braves team boycotted his throwing out the ceremonial first pitch for game 1, and Chipper had to throw to the mascot. Sounds like Atlanta is just as classy as their fans’ Tomahawk Chop.
–
Back to the shutdown:
The House would need 217 votes to pass a CR (clean resolution) to end the government shutdown. Apparently as of today there are 219 “yes” votes. Math, another of those commie pinko liberal concepts.
–
–
Yahoo just changed their mail interface without any warning at all. Just who does Marissa Mayer think she is, the CEO of Facebook?
–
Congress’s approval rating is now at 5%. Wow. There are actually 5% of Americans who think they are doing a good job?
–
Who says Congress isn’t suffering along with the rest of the country? Sen. Ted Cruz told People magazine that his wife and two daughters couldn’t visit the National Zoo and museums last weekend. So they went apple-picking and visited Mount Vernon. Ah that American resilience during tough times….
–
12 people were stuck nearly 3 hours tonight at Universal Studios Orlando on a roller coaster that broke down. As opposed to the millions of people that are still stuck for days across the country with the roller coaster of the government shutdown..
–
Chris Christie has said he is against the GOP shutdown tactics. Makes sense, because since he thinks he’ll be elected President in 2016 he doesn’t want the Dems to try the same B.S. on him.
–
Cowboys defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin said that people should blame him, not Tony Romo, for the team’s loss to the Broncos. USC fans are shocked – a Kiffin taking responsibility for anything?
–
Travel agent face palm moment of the day, clients ask for several very deluxe rooms in a particular tropical resort area in late December. Warn them that this could be difficult because most such places sell out far in advance for Christmas. The response “That’s okay, we don’t celebrate Christmas…”
–
Washington coach Steve Sarkasian claimed that Stanford faked injuries to slow down the Huskies’ offense in last week’s game. Except that the two players who briefly left the game were Ben Gardner and Shayne Skov, star seniors who are probable NFL draft choices. So if Cardinal coach David Shaw were to fake injuries, Sarkasian doesn’t think he’s smart enough to fake them with marginal players?
–
From Jim Barach “Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has opened up about her struggle with anorexia in high school. Fans of the show were shocked. Snooki went to high school?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BART jokes, Braves jokes, janice hough jokes, Kiffin jokes, Redskins jokes, shutdown jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 8, 2013
Definition of a “non-essential government worker.” Anyone whose job doesn’t immediately and directly benefit me.
—
A jealous Saudi husband divorced his wife after she posted a snap of her kissing an Arabian filly’s face. Was he jealous of his wife or the horse?
–
A 21 year-old Texas high school teacher is under fire because it’s been discovered that she posed for Playboy as an 18 year-old college student. So far she’s keeping her job. And requests from fathers for parent-teacher conferences have probably jumped 1000%.
–
Detroit Lions center Dominic Raiola apologized to Wisconsin’s marching band today for his “inappropriate” comments made to them before last Sunday’s game. Hmm, usually when you hear “apologized” “marching band” and “inappropriate” in the same sentence, the Stanford band is involved.
–
John Boehner: “I didn’t come here to shut down the government. And I certainly didn’t come here to default on our debt.” (But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once?)
–
A new poll says that the GOP could lose the House over backlash from the current shutdown. But maybe Boehner has a plan for that too – shutdown the voting booths?
–
Nike unveiled new Pro Bowl uniforms today, changing their colors from blue and red to orange and yellow. Sure, that will do it. The reason the game has been so unwatchable has been the color scheme….
–
Two bases-loaded, nobody out situations today in the MLB playoffs… without a score. Somewhere Rod Beck and Harry Houdini are smiling.
–
Wonder if the #Rays put a few sharks in their stingray pool tonight to keep the #RedSox out of it?
–
The 9 year old boy who sneaked onto the Delta flight apparently has previously sneaked into water parks, had gotten at least one free meal at a restaurant, and once stole a car. Wonder how many start-up companies want to hire him.
–
Should we be that shocked that a child was able to sneak his way onto the plane, apparently by boarding with a family with a number of boarding passes…. Gate agents often seem to have no interest in counting carry-on bags, we expect them to count kids?
–
From T.C. “Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called his teams loss to the Broncos a moral victory. Translation: they beat the spread and I made a shitload of money.”
–
Stay classy, Arizona. Your move, Florida: State Rep. Brenda Barton (R. Payson) on FB: “Someone is paying the National Park Service thugs overtime for their efforts to carry out the order of De Fuhrer… where are our Constitutional Sheriffs who can revoke the Park Service Rangers authority to arrest??? Do we have any Sheriffs with a pair?”
Mark Sanchez had season-ending surgery today, and said “I’m very disappointed that I can’t be out there to help my team on the field.” Many NY Jets fans are thinking that he’s doing a great job of helping his team by staying OFF the field.
Cleveland Browns executive Jon Sandusky, son of former Penn State assistant Jerry Sandusky, was arrested today for alleged DUI. Maybe he wanted to spend some quality time with his dad?
–
When asked by a reporter’s today about a vote on a “clean” continuing resolution – to reopen the government with no strings attached – in order to end the shutdown. Boehner walked away humming “Doo, doo, doo.” I think one less “doo” would have about described the Speaker’s strategy.
–
Amazing. Listening to those on the right, sometimes Obama is an arrogant authoritarian socialist President using his unfettered power to destroy our country. Other times he is completely bumbling and ineffectual, unable to accomplish anything. It’s so confusing.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, baseball jokes, Boehner jokes, janice hough jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, shutdown jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
October 7, 2013
USC announced that imposters pretending to be from the University contacted both Jack Del Rio and Tony Dungy about their vacant coaching position. There’s a certain symmetry, for years, Lane Kiffin was pretending to be a big time coach.
–
Beginning to think God is really really tired of that tomahawk chop
–
Philadelphia and Dallas are tied for the NFC East lead, with 2-3 records. It’s early days yet, but to make the NFL playoffs, shouldn’t your team be good enough at least to be bowl eligible.
–
In an interview with New York Magazine, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia talked the “coarsening” of society, due to “the constant use of the F-word — including, you know, ladies using it.” Of course, many of the “ladies” using the F-word have been using it in response to some of Scalia’s statements.
–
Eli Manning today in a radio appearance “I don’t think I’m playing lousy.” Fair enough. “Lousy” would be an improvement.
–
Flori-duh moment of the day. Freshman GOP Rep. Tom Yoho, on if the U.S. fails to raise the debt limit. “I think, personally, it would bring stability to the world markets.” (Before he ran for Congress, his first elected office, Yoho was a large-animal veterinarian….)
–
This just in: PETA is protesting the Tampa Bay win as being cruel to actual Rays. #stingraypoolwalkoff
–
The Denver Broncos are a NFL record 28-point favorite over the Jacksonville Jaguars this week. Have to wonder if the spread would be less if the Broncos were playing the FSU Seminoles.
–
QB Matt Flynn was cut today by Oakland. He’s made $14.51 million in the last two years from the Raiders and Seahawks, and started exactly one game. With that kind of performance to pay ratio what’s Flynn’s next move – a run for Congress?
–
The Redskins return from their bye week next Sunday. Disappointing all fans who thought they were one of the few good things to be shutdown in Washington.
–
Oops. In Los Angeles, the school district spent $1 billion to give 650,000 plus students iPads. Only problem, the high school kids cracked the security settings so they could play games and post on social media during class. On the brighter side, American ingenuity is alive and well.
–
As the shutdown continues, it’s interesting that the party that has made such an issue of the sanctity of voting and the need to tighten requirements to avoid voter fraud, is also the party that sees no need to take an actual vote…
–
Ah technology, United Airlines sent a message about booking a hotel on United.com for a new reservation to Los Angeles. For a same-day roundtrip. Makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about their autopilot.
–
.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Atlanta Braves jokes, Florida jokes, janice hough jokes, NY Giants jokes, Redskins jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 5, 2013
Now John Boehner is urging President Obama to negotiate on the shutdown, saying “This is not some damn game.” Well, if it’s not some damn game, why doesn’t the Speaker simply call a damn vote.
–
Apparently the elevators at O.co Coliseum have already had issues. Everyone has fingers crossed for the plumbing. When they talk about if Oakland can make it to game 5 or 7 in a series, they may really mean whether the stadium will hold up that long.
–
If you don’t have a NL team to root for to get to the World Series, may I suggest Pittsburgh. Not only are the Pirates the underdogs, but they have a fun young team, a beautiful stadium, and oh yeah, it will drive ratings-hungry Fox television executives crazy.
–
Dusty Baker was fired by the Reds when Cincinnati once again failed to make it out of the first round, in their third playoff appearance in the last four years. Three in the last four years. Somewhere Cubs fans are just weeping.
–
The Atlanta Braves didn’t even sell out their playoff game Thursday night. Maybe to increase attendance they should play during the halftime of a University of Georgia football game?
This Max Scherzer guy is pretty good. Maybe if ESPN and FOX hadn’t been so focused on Yankees-Red Sox more Americans might care about the ALDS because they would have seen the Tigers, and for that matter the As, play several games.
–
LA Dodgers hit into so many double plays Friday night; if it weren’t for the color of their uniforms fans might think they are watching the 2013 SF Giants.
–
Alex Rodriguez is now suing Bud Selig. Any way they can both lose? #douchebags
–
A-Rod says in his lawsuit that ‘MLB is trying to destroy me.” Methinks the Yankees slugger is doing a pretty good job of that by himself.
–
Friday night, Alex Rodriguez filed his second lawsuit of the day. This time against the Yankees team doctor and the hospital for misdiagnosing his left hip injury during the 2012 playoffs. Shame A-Rod’s lawyers can’t file a lawsuit against the guy in his mirror.
Jesse Ventura said on CNN’s Crossfire tonight that he might run for President in 2016. Even Donald Trump is thinking “You’re delusional.”
–
Another thought on the GOP government shutdown “Kamikaze missions rarely turn out well, least of all for the pilots.” From the editorial pages of that commie pinko rag, the Wall Street Journal.
–
Penn Gov. Tom Corbett, asked about his lawyers’ statement comparing legalizing gay marriage to legalizing marriage for children “It was an inappropriate analogy. I think a much better analogy would have been brother and sister.” So what is Corbett doing? Trying to divert media attention from the crazies in Congress?
Let them eat cake, after they put in on layaway first? Nebraska GOP Rep. Lee Terry on still accepting his salary during the shutdown: “Dang straight. I’ve got a nice house and a kid in college, and I’ll tell you we cannot handle it. Giving our paycheck away when you still worked and earned it? That’s just not going to fly.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Boehner jokes, Congress jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, shutdown jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 3, 2013
It’s getting to be a sign of October. Falling temperatures, falling leaves, falling Braves….
–
Maybe the baseball gods are just really tired of the Tomahawk Chop?
–
Only people sadder than Braves and Pirates fans Thursday night were probably network executives who saw ratings crash. In the St. Louis – Pittsburgh game probably as soon as the Cardinals put up a touchdown in the 3rd inning.
–
In tonight’s NFL game, the starting quarterbacks for both the Bills and the Browns were both injured and knocked out of the game. Is this God’s way of saying he REALLY misses Tebow?
–
Roger Goodell sent an email to millions of fans in the NFL database saying the league is “committed “to deliver the game that the fans love and the safety that players deserve.” Was he inspired by Bud Selig’s saying the steroid era is over.
–
From TC “Sundays Raiders game has been pushed back to 8:30pm due to the A’s playoff game on Saturday. Supposedly it takes over 24 hours to remove the sewage from the baseball game and replace it with fresh sewage for football.”
–
Kobe Bryant apparently has left the country for an “undisclosed medical procedure.” Presumably Vanessa sent him somewhere they don’t have room service?
–
Indiana GOP Rep. Marlin Stutzman on the shutdown objective: “We’re not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this. And I don’t know what that even is.” Gosh. With that kind of mature attitude maybe Obama just needs to offer them all a new blankee.
–
Fox News is referring to the government shutdown as a “slimdown.” What’s next, praising Speaker Boehner for helping our country with waist management?
–
Furloughed FEMA employees are being recalled due to storm forecasts in Louisiana. And Gov. Bobby Jindal declared a state of emergency. Uh, wait a minute, the Congressman for the New Orleans area is a Democrat, but the rest of the Louisiana’s House members are Republicans. Shouldn’t the feds honor their wishes for their districts and observe the shutdown?
–
President Obama has challenged the Speaker of the House simply to vote on the Senate-approved spending plan which could end the shutdown. Waiting for Boehner to respond something like “voting is unAmerican.”
–
Ah, Florida. A 19 year old lesbian from Vero Beach has accepted a plea for four months in jail and two years of house arrest. She had sex when she was 18 with a 14-year-old girl who was a high school classmates. The young woman would have probably faced a lesser penalty had she been straight and accidentally shot her friend.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Boehner jokes, Braves jokes, government shutdown jokes, MLB playoffs jokes, shutdown jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
September 24, 2013
“Rolling Stone” magazine has Miley Cyrus on the cover. Guess they figured there were still people they didn’t manage to offend with the Boston Bomber cover?
–
The Detroit Lions’ Nate Burleson was injured in a single car accident reportedly caused by him reaching down to pick up a pizza that fell off the front seat. So in addition to the NFL’s trying to get players not to drink and drive, will the league now request that they have pizza DELIVERED?
–
With this new two wild card system teams can be out of the MLB playoffs before the screen printing is dry on the postseason t-shirts.
–
Burger King announced they have come up with new french fries containing 40% less fat and 30 % fewer calories. The better, no doubt, to be sold in “Super-sized” portions.
–
–The Houston Astros game had a 0.00 Nielsen rating locally during a loss to the Indians. Actually there might have been a few fans tuned in, but at this point they probably turn off their meters to avoid the shame of it all.
–
Mets were eliminated weeks ago, Yankees will be eliminated as early as tomorrow, and the Giants are 0-3. So the best team in New York right now is… the Jets?
President Obama indicated willingness at least to consider talking with Iran, “The roadblocks may prove to be too great, but I firmly believe the diplomatic path must be tested.” Suppose that hoping the GOP wishes him and John Kerry success is only slightly less likely than hoping the Cubs win next year’s World Series.
–
After being down 8-1, Team USA has come back to tie the America’s Cup at 8-8, with one winner-take-all race remaining. If New Zealand does lose the Cup, they will at least be named honorary Chicago Cubs.
–
The Nationals have been officially eliminated from any possible postseason berth in 2013. Washington fans must be thrilled they shut down Stephen Strasburg last year for this.
–
The $400 million Powerball jackpot was apparently won by a South Carolina man who stopped in the store when his wife told him to buy hot dog buns. He couldn’t find the buns so on a whim bought $20 in lottery tickets. I can see it now with thousands of men: “Honey, of course I didn’t forget what you asked me to get, I was trying to make us rich.”
–
So looks like the Texas Rangers’ season will come down to the wire- will they break their fans hearts and just miss the playoffs, or break their hearts later in the playoffs?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: America's Cup jokes, baseball jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 23, 2013
It’s only September, and we may have the NFL injury of the year: Ravens WR Jacoby Jones, already rehabbing a knee injury, was hurt Sunday night when he was hit over the head on a party bus by a stripper wielding a champagne bottle
–
Phil Jackson’s fiancee Jeannie Buss just wrote that she felt the hiring of Mike D’Antoni as head coach last year was “a betrayal.””Phil wasn’t looking for the job, and then he wasted 36 hours of his life preparing for it when they were never in a million years going to hire him anyway.” “Wasted 36 hours of his life?” The horror. Most people have done that on a random weekend.-
–
Costa Concordia captain Francesco Schettino’s trial has begun. And Italian authorities confirmed that they have revoked his Schettino’s maritime navigational license, so he will never again be able to captain a ship. Bummer for all those cruise companies who were lined up to offer him a job at this point…
–
President Obama says he finally gave up smoking because he said he was “scared of my wife.” Wow.. If that worked for all vices Bill Clinton might never have done anything to get himself impeached.
–
Sarah Palin is now saying that Hillary Clinton is “ill-suited” to being president. Some statements are their own punchlines.
–
Do these online sites have no one to monitor headlines? The NY Post has a big headline on the Kenya mall massacre. Alongside their #1 story “Giants slaughtered by Panthers.”
–
How tangled is this baseball web Bud Selig has woven become? If the Reds and Pirates finished tied, do they have a one-game playoff to decide who gets home field advantage in the one-game playoff?
–
From my friend Jim Barach: A Hollywood studio is charging $349 to prepare dogs that qualify as cabin pets for a safe and calm airline flight. Now if someone could only do the same with Alec Baldwin.
(personally, think the program would be useful for a lot of humans.)
–
Depressing thought, The A’s play in a decrepit mess of a stadium. But if the Rays and Indians make the postseason, Oakland will be the playoff team with only the third worst attendance.
–
Ted Cruz is quoted in GQ saying that conservatives were “embarrassed” to vote for president in 2008. And no doubt McCain thinks the same about Texas Republicans voting for Senate in 2012.
–
“Saturday Night Live” became the series with the most Emmys ever, picking up its 40th last night for directly. “Shocking” thought many Americans “SNL is still on the air?”
–
Leaving aside whether you believe or don’t believe in Obamacare, a simple question. Do we REALLY want to create a system where if one party doesn’t like what the President and Congress (and the Supreme Court) have done, they shut the government down? And someday, it’s going to be the Democrats in the reverse position.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Congress jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 22, 2013
Some discussion on whether or not Redskins should change their name. After this week D.C. residents are thinking to avoid embarrassment maybe the team should drop the “Washington.”
–
If team keeps playing like the last 2 weeks wonder how long it will take San Franciscans to ask them to change name to Santa Clara #49ers?
–
But really, watching the NFC East, are we sure it’s not too late to make an exception to the NFL rule that someone has to win every division?
–
–
Mick Jagger is going to be a great-grandfather. Wonder if the baby will grow up to buy his/her first beer at a Rolling Stones’ farewell concert.
–
At this point fans who buy tickets to see games involving the Houston Astros are just paying for the live-action version of a forfeit.
–
A lot of people are just discovering you don’t bet against #AndrewLuck in the San Francisco Bay Area. #Gostanford #Cardinalrules
–
The injustice of it all. How did Fox & Friends get left out of the Emmy nominations for best comedy? #Emmys
–
French customs officials intercepted 1.3 TONS of cocaine in checked luggage on an Air France flight from Venezuela to Paris. This would never have happened on a U.S. airline. The smugglers wouldn’t have paid the excess baggage charges.
Looks like SF may have some competition for most disappointing sports team named Giants in 2013.
–
Michigan managed to beat Akron by 4, and escaped with a 3 point win over Connecticut. Maybe they have a chance of covering next week’s spread… against “bye week.”
–
ESPN is reporting that Von Miller and his urine collector tried to beat the NFL drug testing by substituting another person’s specimen. Which might have worked except someone discovered that the Broncos LB was not in the city where his collection was supposed to have taken place. A source says there is concern the NFL may have a problem beyond Miller and the collector involved. Ya think…..
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Emmy jokes, janice hough jokes, NFC east jokes, NFL jokes, Redskins jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 18, 2013
So what is going on in Texas? Are the Rangers just trying to spare their fans the pain of another postseason collapse?
–
Meanwhile with NY having lost 4 of 5 and looking increasingly unlikely to make the postseason, wonder if ESPN will preempt playoff coverage for highlights of old Yankees-Red Sox games.
–
Texas A & M reported they raised more than $740 million in donations in the past fiscal year. Gosh, that’s probably a few hundred Johnny Manziel autograph sessions.
–
Tiger Woods wants to see a time limit placed on viewers being able to call-in of possible rules violations. Specifically, until five minutes before Tiger himself tees off.
–
From T.C. “The PGA may put a halt to fans phoning in rules violations. Tiger got dinged with penalties at The Masters & BMW Championship this year after viewers called citing rule breaches. Woods’ GF Lindsey Vonn, however, said fans are welcome to call her any time if they see Tiger committing any infractions, such as being in the company of pancake or cocktail waitresses.”
–
Elton John says Miley Cyrus is a “meltdown waiting to happen.” Uh, some might say the wait is over.
–
Beanie Baby creator Ty Warner will plead guilty to tax evasion and pay a $53.5 million penalty. Wonder if he’s negotiating to pay the fine in Beanie Babies.
–
Due to winds and tides, the America’s Cup probable final race now will be Thursday. But when this is over, do hope New Zealand gives some honor to Larry Ellison. Who else could get most Americans to root for a foreign opponent against their own country?
–
The House is trying to defund Obamacare again, this time threatening to shutdown the government. When asked how Boehner would manage such a potential shutdown, Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan said “Even the best coaches in the N.F.L. only script out the first two series of plays. They don’t script the whole game.” Uh, but the best coaches in the NFL don’t keep on starting with the same ineffectual play 40 times in a row.
Phrase I would like to nominate for retirement: “It will do no good to legislate (fill-in-the-blank) because criminals will break the law.” By that standard we should toss out all laws and regulations, since people will disobey traffic rules, cheat on taxes, steal, assault and murder each other, etc.,
—
Many people are saying that the U.S gun laws are not to blame for mass murders; rather it’s things like mental health and poverty. Okay, I guess I would take those folks more seriously if they were also for increasing mental health funding and the minimum wage.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: America's Cup jokes, Beanie Baby jokes, janice hough jokes, Johnny Manziel jokes, Miley Cyrus jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 16, 2013
If only the worst headline in D.C. today was about the the Redskins.
But as another sad shooting story filled front pages and rumors fly, the one thing, as usual, that immediately seemed was a certainty about the shooter or shooters in Washington, D.C. was the term “male.”
(A friend said this “punchline” is stale. Believe me, I’d be glad to retire it. )
–
In the SF Bay Area, when we turn to late night local news, it’s often almost a said cliche that there was yet another shooting in Oakland. Have to be thinking, in Canada and England, do they turn on the news and think the same about the USA?
–
Okay, back to sports etc….
–
Seattle fans say they set a Guinness World Records mark for loudest stadium during last nights Seahawks 49ers game, 131.9 decibels. Is this really a challenge they want to lay down when the new 49ers stadium is opening in perhaps the technology capital of the world?
The Texas Rangers have lost 7 in a row? What’s going on? It’s September, only the Dallas Cowboys are supposed to suck.
–
On a warm fuzzy sports note the Red Sox did have a really nice tribute to Mariano Rivera last night. Of course, it was probably warmer and fuzzier because Boston doesn’t think they’ll see him in the postseason.
Just a thought. Are there any middle ground options between Tiger Woods winning the tournament, and Tiger Woods whining about the tournament?
–
Suspended Tigers SS Jhonny Peralta, eligible to return Sept. 27, is heading to the instructional league this week. Have to wonder what “instruction” he might share with minor leaguers.
–
The the “gentlemen” of Delta Kappa Epilson at LSU thought it was a good idea before the Kent State game last Saturday to put up a banner saying “Getting Massacred Is Nothing New to Kent St.” Well that ought to do wonders for the image of SEC frat boys being Neanderthals.
–
#Jaguars fans rallying to push the team to sign #TimTebow. A few more games like last night’s and #49ers fans will be right behind them.
–
A few thoughts over last Saturday’s ASU-Wisconsin game . 1. The refs screwed up. 2. Instant replay doesn’t overcome incompetence. 3. If you have a play designed simply to take a knee, EXECUTE it cleanly.
–
Just guessing if Stanford ever has a ceremony to celebrate their big 2011 Orange Bowl win, they’re not going to put Richard Sherman and his former coach Jim Harbaugh next to each other.
Jerry Seinfeld will be part of the broadcast crew Tuesday night for the NY Mets and SF Giants game. As if the two teams’ play this year hasn’t been comical enough.
–
From Jim Barach: Free Wi-Fi will be available to fans going to the Philadelphia Eagles stadium, Lincoln Financial Field. That will allow them to log their computers into NFL.com and watch all the football games that actually matter.
–
From Marc Ragovin: “Interesting results from NYC school kids’ testing. While a vast majority could not do simple arithmetic, 97% correctly figured out when the Mets would be mathematically eliminated from contention.”
–
And finally a little bipartisan picture humor for a day when we need it.
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, baseball jokes, janice hough jokes, Mets jokes, NFL jokes, Seahawks jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 14, 2013
A rumor is circulating that Justin Bieber is up for the role of Robin in the next Batman movie. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country? Think the reaction from most liberals and conservatives is – “I’m going to throw up.”
–
ESPN says they have obtained a photo of Texas A&M QB Johnny Manziel signing for autograph broker Drew Tieman this January. Gosh if this is authentic and the NCAA had seen it, Manziel might have been suspended for three whole quarters.
–
Cal’s football team did lose 52-34 to Ohio State Saturday night. But is it a moral victory that they scored 15 more than the SF Giants did in LA?
–
The Fresno State-Colorado football game was cancelled due to flooding. Colorado coach Mike MacIntyre said “There are a lot of issues out there that are a lot bigger than football.” Now there’s a man who will never coach in Texas.
–
This week, a Pennsylvania appeals court will hear Jerry Sandusky’s challenge to his child molestation conviction. If he loses, can they change his sentence to be served in the general population?
Quote from Harry S Truman, who may be smiling about Syria today: “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”
–
Oregon-Tennessee uniforms are as ugly as the game. The 80s called, they want their color scheme back.
–
Oregon 59 – #Tennessee 7. Last time young men from the South were beaten this badly by young men from the North, General Lee was arranging terms of surrender.
.And lastly, from my friend Michael Schilby. If this story isn’t true it should be. Dedicated to all of us who have had TMI moments on public transit:
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
“Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”.
“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.
“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss”.
“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.
“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any more.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bieber jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, janice hough jokes, Johnny Manziel jokes, Oregon jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 11, 2013
As we remember September 11, some think it’s inappropriate to joke on such a solemn anniversary. But I think if we can’t laugh, the terrorists win.
–
My friend Keith Ogden, who I agree with on politics about 10% of the time, made a comment that reminded me of one of the greatest things about this country: As much as you may not like how the USA is run, or who is running it, or who wants to run it, you can joke about things all you want, and you don’t get arrested or worse.
–
McDonald’s has a new “Blitz Box” meal, which contains 2 Quarter Pounders with cheese, 10 Chicken McNuggets and two medium fries. They market it for “two or more.” Well, for many Americans that’s plausible deniability anyway.
–
Forbes.com reports that tickets for the Alabama-Texas A&M game are going for an average of $763 online. Wonder how many of those ticket buyers will spend much of the game criticizing Johnny Manziel for making money from autographs
What could POSSIBLY go wrong here? Disney is re-releasing “The Little Mermaid” on September 13. And encouraging kids to be “part of her world” by bringing their iPads etc. to interact with their “Disney Second Screen Live” app….during the movie.
Some sports reporters are starting not to use the “Redskins” nickname and will simply say “Washington football team.” Fortunately, if week 1 was any indication, there will be no need for this awkward phrasing to continue into the postseason.
–
USC coach Lane Kiffin said there was no team meeting after the Trojans’ embarrassing loss to WSU. But WR Marqise Lee confirmed it was a players-only meeting. “Kiffin don’t know,.. Kiffin don’t know nothing about it.” Sounds like Lane knows as much about his team as he does about coaching football.
Some cheerleaders at a Texas public high school who want to display bible verses on banners at football games, have hired a lawyer to fight what a local politician called an effort at “imposing San Francisco liberalism in every community in Texas.” Uh, really? Don’t think most liberals are that worried about banners in football, we’re a little more concerned about imposing things like science in textbooks.
–
Tweet from Colts owner Jim Irsay on protecting Andrew Luck: “we gotta protect #12 better..and that includes more than just OL…it’s backs,TE’s,coaches on blitz pick ups..I DEMAND better” Right, because last week they just weren’t trying.
–
Following the defeats of Elliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner, comes the news that Mark Sanchez may be out for the year. “Oh, the horror”, said NY comedy writers…
–
Ndamukong Suh is appealing his $100,000 fine as excessive. Guess he figures it’s too big a chunk of his annual fine fund?
–
Bobby Valentine, talking on the radio today, said his Mets team was “tired” and “wasted” after 9/11, because they had been going to the funerals and firehouse. And stated “”Let it be said that during the time from 9/11 to 9/21, the Yankees were [AWOL], You couldn’t find a Yankee on the streets of New York City. You couldn’t find a Yankee down at Ground Zero, talking to the guys who were working 24/7. Many of them didn’t live here, and so it wasn’t their fault….” Wow, it’s sensitivity and judgment like that that is the reason Valentine is employed in a major league clubhouse today….not.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Alabama jokes, Disney jokes, football jokes, janice hough jokess, Redskins jokes, Texas jokes, USC jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 10, 2013
SI is reporting that when Les Miles coached at Oklahoma State, players were allegedly paid from $2,000 to $10,000 annually, with a few receiving $25,000 or more. And wonder at how many schools, current players are thinking “cheapskates.”
–
Two prison guards have been placed on leave while Ohio investigators look into the suicide of Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro. Instead of having them do nothing could we transfer the two men and have them temporarily guard Jerry Sandusky?
–
The NFL fined Ndamukong Suh was fined $100,000 for his hit on John Sullivan Sunday, but they won’t suspend him. Makes sense, with Suh suspended the league’s fine totals would likely be greatly reduced.
–
49ers QB Colin Kaepernick apparently has a bet going this week with Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. Quick where’s Roger Goodell with the fines?
–
As Anthony Weiner’s car drove away after his concession speech, the candidate flipped the bird at a reporter. Stay classy, Carlos Danger.
–
Spitzer and Weiner, both gone. Who knew the voters of New York were less forgiving of moral lapses than those in South Carolina?
–
Fox’s Dana Perino is “tired” of atheists trying to remove the phrase “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance. “If these people really don’t like it, they don’t have to live here.” Right, because who in America would argue against the words of the Founding Fathers… Oops, wait, never mind…..
–
Anyone but me getting the sense that some in the GOP hope this potential Syria diplomatic solution fails?
–
Just wondering, of all the members of Congress who publicly responded to President Obama’s Syria speech, did any of them compose their response after the speech?
–
Mitch McConnell gave a speech on the Senate floor today opposing Obama’s potential air strikes, saying “There are just too many unanswered questions about our long-term strategy in Syria.” Shame he didn’t have these scruples with Iraq.
–
Gosh, how sorry does Bud Selig feel for the Yankees this year? MLB has them opening in 2014 against the Houston Astros.
Don’t get me wrong, I hope the NY Yankees don’t make the playoffs. But the only silver lining if they do is the thought of Bud Selig sweating over the remote possibility of awarding the World Series MVP to A-Rod.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Ariel Castro jokes, janice hough jokes, New York jokes, NFL jokes, Spitzer jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 8, 2013
Prince Andrew was briefly stopped by Buckingham Palace police who didn’t recognize him on an evening walk through the gardens. Good thing this was England and not the U.S., so the Prince wasn’t accidentally shot.
–
A 107-year-old man was killed during a shootout with members of an Arkansas SWAT team last night. Sigh. Once again this is what happens when you have guns without parental responsibility.
–
Oracle Team USA has at least avoided a shutout in the America’s Cup by finally winning race 4. This is a tough one for many U.S. sports fans. With the natural inclination to cheer “USA USA” running directly into their natural hatred of Larry Ellison
–115,109 fans watched the Wolverines beat the Fighting Irish last night at Michigan stadium. That’s almost the average attendance of a couple of Tampa Bay Rays’ home stands.
–
Texas and USC, who played for the BCS National Championship in 2006, have both fallen out of the AP top 25 poll. Maybe they’re hoping for a rematch, in the Valero Alamo Bowl.
–
Wonder if anyone in the Green Bay Packers locker room made the mistake of saying before today’s game, “Well, at least this season we’re opening with refs who know the rule book?”
–
From T.C. “Former NFL running back Ricky Williams is an asst coach for a college in San Antonio. Look for this team to run the Weed-Option offence.”
–
–
Mark Sanchez may have a torn labrum in his shoulder, which will not necessarily need surgery. And NY Jets fans are thinking “Rest, take all the time you need, years even…”
–
With Sunday night’s NY Giants vs Dallas Cowboys game have to figure 10% of Americans wanted NY, 10% wanted Dallas, and the rest wish they could both lose.
–
Meanwhile, back in MLB, what happened to the “invincible” Atlanta Braves and Los Angeles Dodgers? Both losers of four straight….
–
Lost in the hubbub over the NFL opening weekend was the Reds 4-3 walkoff win over the Dodgers last night. When Brian Wilson walked the first batter in the 10th, and Cincinnati scored with a stolen base and a single. Ladies and gentlemen in Los Angeles, get your flasks ready.
–
NY Yankees win with walkoff walk after another blown save. Maybe even Mariano Rivera wants to be done with A-Rod after the regular season.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: America's Cup jokes, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, NY Jets jokes, Prince Andrew jokes, referee jokes, USC jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 