Posted tagged ‘Ted Cruz jokes’

Hot Potato – “You take him.” “No, you take him.”

December 15, 2014

Former VP Dick Cheney said of what he considers “enhanced interrogation” that “I would do it again in a minute.” Sometimes you get the sense the man is still alive because neither God nor the Devil want him.

 

The Sacramento Kings have fired coach Mike Malone after an 11-13 start. And the NY Knicks are wondering if they fired him for overachieving.

Is it too late for all those who voted against ‪#‎AndrewLuck‬ twice for the ‪#‎Heisman‬ to change their votes?

Compared to other ‪#‎Heisman‬ winners RG3 and now ‪#‎Manziel‬, ‪#‎Tebow‬ looked pretty good in ‪#‎NFL‬

All these pictures and videos of Johnny Manziel’s horrible starting debut for the Browns. Picture I really wanted to see was of Brian Hoyer on the sideline trying oh so hard not to smile.

Meanwhile in the Washington-NY Giants matchup, the Redskins’ Santana Moss lost his temper with the refs, and was ejected during the first half. Making him luckier than his teammates, who had to stay for the entire game.

ESPN’s Jim Bowden gives the Chicago Cubs an A+ for their offseason moves. So they can add another offseason trophy to their collection at Wrigley Field.

Lots of sniping about Ted Cruz’s threatened govt shutdown, like this “You should have an end goal in sight if you’re going to do these types of things and I don’t see an end goal other than irritating a lot of people,” And that was from Orrin Hatch. ‪#‎thiscouldbefun‬

 

Seriously, the Australia hostage situation just sucks.   But a chocolate store? What kind of monster does something evil in a nice chocolate store?  Clearly not a woman.

The now 3-11 NY Jets beat the now 2-12 Tennessee Titans in a battle and get a worse draft pick out of it. And if you really cared about the game and aren’t from New York or Nashville you are probably in need of a life.

 

Who figured this a month ago? Stanford has a postseason game and the SF 49ers don’t.

 

#‎Stayclassy‬. Uber is now in Australia, and they  responded to the hostage crisis – with surge pricing in the area of AUS $100 minimum (US$82), quadruple the normal rate.

Update, an hour after original post:  So now apparently Uber has decided there IS such a thing as bad publicity, and is offering people stuck in the area free rides out…..  #Oops

 

Once and future king.

December 14, 2014

george

Many think Prince Charles should have just married Camilla in the beginning, and saved himself and others much grief. On the other hand, his otherwise disastrous marriage to Diana does appear to have improved the gene pool. (And the look of the future British currency and stamps.)

 

Bryce Harper didn’t show up today at the NatsFest fan festival, apparently because of a grievance over a dispute over the Nationals star wanting to opt-out in 2015, the last year of the 5-yr $9.9 million contract he signed as a rookie. Harper, who is represented by Scott Boras, said he was “was unable to attend this year’s event due to matters out of my control.” Uh, that’s a clown statement, bro.

 

 

 

On Saturday night, the Senate approved a $1.1 trillion spending bill and sent it to the President for his signature. Because heaven forbid differences large and small should stand in the way of what’s really important – getting Congress home for their Christmas vacations.

#Whythereisnosatire. Ted Cruz wants to shut down the government again over immigration and Obama’s “illegal amnesty.” And yet, this is a man who was born in Canada and whose Cuban father made it to the U.S. when “a lawyer friend of my father basically bribed a Batista official to stamp my passport with an exit permit.”

In New York, 10 people were indicted over selling bogus airline tickets to about 200 people, and leaving many of them stranded at airports. Really, what were they thinking? Stranding people at the airport is the airlines’ job.

Looks the the people who are happiest about the new “Exodus: Gods and Kings” moves may be anyone involved with either “Ishtar” or “Gigli.” ‪#‎newworstmovieever‬?

 

As the unveiled Sony emails become more and more embarrassing, one good thing is no doubt Americans in future will be much more careful about what they type and post. ‪#‎notachance‬ ‪#‎slowlearners‬

Will Muschamp, less than two weeks after being fired at Florida, accepted a job as defensive coordinator at Auburn, and said “I’m just a ball coach.” And Gator fans said “Don’t flatter yourselves.”

No serious football Saturday except the Heisman trophy presentation. Which means ESPN et al could focus on the countdown to Johnny Manziel’s start tomorrow.

.

You know it’s been a down year for the ‪#‎SEC‬ when a ‪#‎Pac12‬ player actually wins the ‪#‎Heisman‬

Pigs are flying. This quote tonight on the spending bill “Before Congress starts handing out Christmas presents to the megabanks and Wall Street…., we need to remove these risky derivatives that aren’t even necessary for normal banking purposes and would only make future taxpayer funded bailouts more likely.” Elizabeth Warren? Nope,  GOP Louisiana Senator  David Vitter.

Fill in the blanks.

December 4, 2014

100 brains were missing from the University of Texas. Does this even need a punchline?

 

The Philadelphia 76ers actually won a game tonight, making them 1-17. If they keep improving, the team might have a chance of being favored against Kentucky.

A Hawaii football announcer has apologized for referring to Fresno as the “armpit of America.” As well he should have. Everyone knows that’s New Jersey.

#‎Stayclassy‬ Sarah Palin posted a picture on her FB page this weekend of President Obama captioned “I am signing a new executive order replacing the world ‘looting’ with ‘undocumented shopping.'”

Of course, Palin believes rioting should be confined to important things, like her family attending birthday parties.

UAB says they are shutting down their football program for “the greater good.” And Raiders fans are thinking “You can do that?”

In California, it’s amazing how short the distance is between “We need month-long storms to get us out of this drought” and “Will this rain ever stop?”

Gloria Allred has a press conference Wednesday  with three women who have accused Bill Cosby of sexual assault. So congratulations to everyone who had December 3 in the pool.

The FSU student conduct code hearing over sexual assault allegations against Jameis Winston ended today without the QB testifying. A decision is expected in 2-3 weeks. Or more likely the day after the Seminoles’ last playoff game.

Several baggage handlers at JFK Airport have been charged with stealing jewelry and electronic items from checked bags over the past two years. Including Apple iPhones, laptops, and a 2 carat pair of diamond earrings. Glad they caught them, but who put iPhones, laptops and diamond earrings in their checked luggage?

Ted Cruz wants to shut down the U.S. Government on Dec 11 over President Obama’s actions on immigration. Giving Mitch McConnell and John Boehner just a bit of a glimpse of 2015 when it’s their circus and their monkeys.

The Chicago Blackhawks’ goalie Corey Crawford will miss at least two to three weeks because he said he fell at a concert. In related news the SF Giants have forbidden Jeremy Affeldt from going to concerts.

So much for all those who said that video of what happened between Darren Wilson and Michael Brown would have made a difference. ‪#‎StatenIsland‬ ‪#‎EricGarner‬

Late night thoughts on Staten Island. Look, I understand some people use any excuse for a riot and looting – including a sports win or loss. I also understand that some people on both sides like to overly politicize a single event. But does ANYONE doubt that if those cops had put a choke hold on some preppy white smart-ass asthmatic kid selling cigarettes or joints, and he had died, that the cops would have been indicted, or in jail, by now?

Just win, baby?

November 21, 2014

Scary thing,  if a couple conceived a child celebrating the  Oakland Raiders’ last win, that baby would be 3 months old now.

Derek Carr praising Jesus and God after the Oakland Raiders’ win tonight. And God is thinking “Ah, you’re now 1 and 10. Don’t blame anything about this season on me.”

Jesus on the other hand, might be comparing tonight to his work with Lazarus.

Mike Nichols, 82, director of “The Graduate,” has died. Will his coffin be made of “Plastics”?

 

Stanford QB Kevin Hogan, who will graduate in June, but could stay for Master’s degree, says he is considering foregoing his final year of eligibility to enter the NFL draft. And Cardinal fans are thinking, “ah, you could get that graduate degree anytime…”

The NFL moved the Jets vs. Bills game from Buffalo this weekend, and postponed it to Monday in Detroit. The Meadowlands in East Rutherford might have been available after the Giants game Sunday. But local fans are probably thinking “Thank goodness they didn’t foist that crappy match-up on us.”

The Buffalo Bills were offering $10 an hour and free tickets to their Sunday game against the Jets for fans willing to shovel snow. New York fans were hoping that show could be shoveled on to the Jets?

 

In Buffalo, Mario Williams apparently used a snow plow to help dig retired QB Jim Kelly out of the snowstorm. If the storm moves down to New York City, hope Geno Smith is well stocked with emergency supplies.

Country star Ty Herndon singer has come out of the closet, or the barn as the case may be. Good for him. But really, most country songs work fine for gay or straight relationships. Just change the pronoun of who did you wrong.

A list made by an Australian man on why he ended a relationship with his girlfriend has gone viral. One reason he listed was that she was rude to his cat. Millions of women are now trying to find his number.

Britain is about to lift their ban on women in combat, prompting a warning from retired army colonel Richard Kemp, that this would put lives in danger because women lack “the killer instinct.” Clearly this is a man who has never ventured into the first day of a major pre or post Christmas sale.

Barry Manilow is having a “ONE LAST TIME!” Tour. And many Americans, especially men, are thinking “Promise?”

Ted Cruz criticized President Obama’s executive order on immigration by adapting “The words of Cicero — powerfully relevant 2,077 years later,” Uh, did Cruz really want to reference a man most of his supporters have never heard of and think must have lived with dinosaurs?

There’s a petition to cancel the TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting”, because of the Duggars’ anti-LGBT stance, and Michelle’s referring to transgenders as “child predators.” Of course, there’s another way that doesn’t interfere with their rights for free speech, however ignorant it may be. – “Just don’t watch.”

At least 10 people have died in the massive winter storm that has blanked Buffalo. We can tell the midterm elections are over though, the GOP is not blaming it on Obama.

Cut down the net?

November 10, 2014

Ted Cruz tweeted “‘Net Neutrality'” is Obamacare for the Internet; the Internet should not operate at the speed of government.” Can’t wait for Cruz to decry this year’s Thanksgiving Turkey pardon as Obamacare for birds.

 

 

AT&T announced they have abandoned their announced plan to create an air-to-ground 4G network to improve Wi-Fi service on airplanes. Maybe because the phone company figured if there was one industry they could partner with that could actually LOWER their reputation it’s the airline industry.

 

A video has gone viral of Denver backup QB Brock Osweiler’s frustration when Peyton Manning’s went back in the game against the Bears up 41-10. No doubt Broncos fans find it funny, since Manning didn’t end up with an injury like Carson Palmer.

 

Carson Palmer tore his ACL Sunday and is out for the season, 2 days after signing a 3-year contract extension. The Cardinals QB tore his ACL once before, in Dec, 2005, 10 days after signing a 6-year contract extension. Think next time Arizona offers Palmer an extension maybe he needs to “just say no.”

 

 

The Carolina Panthers tried Monday night to do their best Chicago Bears imitation.

 

 

ESPN Monday Night Football sign off -“Good night, from Philadelphia.” Directed to all those who tuned in hoping to see Sportscenter. And both fans who were still watching the game

Meanwhile, the Carolina Panthers remain alive in the playoff hunt.  Wonder if this year’s ‪#‎NFCSouth‬ champion might be good enough to get into the college football playoff.

 

After Kentucky crushed Georgetown College  in a pre season college men’s baseketball game, Tigers coach Chris Briggs called the Wildcats an NBA playoff team. John Calipari’s tweet response- “I hear Coach Briggs got excited after the game last night. Let me be clear: If we played ANY NBA team, we would get buried. ANY.”

Uh, well maybe not the 76ers.

 

Tampa Bay rookie Austin Seferian-Jenkins apologized today for his “Captain Morgan” pose touchdown celebration Sunday that he both drew a penalty for, and posted on Instagram. In Seferian-Jenkins’ defense, being on the 1-8 Buccaneers, he doesn’t have much experience with touchdown celebrations.

 

 

Cubs GM Theo Epstein, on an MLB investigation of Chicago’s possibly talking to new manager Joe Maddon while he was still under contract to Tampa Bay: “There was absolutely no tampering whatsoever.” I think I like “Wait until next year” better.

A Montanta white supremacist, John Abarr, is attempting to start a branch of the Ku Klux Klan dubbed the “Rocky Mountain Knights,” which will allow African -Americans, Jews, homosexuals and those of Hispanic origin. The “new Klan” members wlll have to wear the white robes, masks, conical hats and take part in rituals….And presumably have to fail an IQ test.

President Obama voiced strong support for “Net neutrality.” Waiting for Sarah Palin to chime in and complain that the government shouldn’t get involved in the fishing industry.

Fair trade?

June 12, 2014

Ted Cruz has finally officially renounced his Canadian citizenship and is now a citizen only of the United States. Wasn’t there some way we could have linked this process to making Canada take back Bieber?

 

An Arizona man arrested for felony unlawfully discharge of a firearm told authorities that he was trying to shoot the moon. What’s his defense – “Stand your Planet?”

 

A four-day trial has been scheduled July 7-10 to decide if Donald Sterling was properly removed as a trustee as far as the sale of the Clippers. That’s almost 3 weeks away Sterling should have time to change his mind another 4-5 times by then.

 

Many may criticize Hillary Clinton for her comment about being “dead broke” after leaving the White House.But just guessing Donald Trump will not be one of them, as he has been through FOUR corporate bankruptcies.

 

 

Add to the list of those in the GOP who will tread very carefully with Hillary Clinton’s “dead broke” comment, NJ Governor Chris Christie. Estimated to be worth about $5 million.

The Miami Heat are apparently looking at ways to add Carmelo Anthony to their team. Well, that ought to make them even more beloved outside South Florida…..

Bizarre trivia of the day. Since high school (and not counting the Olympics and All-Star games), Tim Duncan, 38, has had only two coaches in 20 years – Dave Odom at Wake Forest and Gregg Popovich.

Osmosis Skincare claims they have come up with “Harmonized Watet” that acts as a drinkable sunscreen for up to three hours.. Sure, makes sense, if you stay inside for three hours to drink it.

New Knicks coach Derek Fisher has vowed to bring a “championship back to New York” because of his championship experience. Yeah, that has worked out so well for Theo Epstein in Chicago.

Quote of the day on the Eric Cantor upset, from former GOP congressman Steve LaTourette: “I didn’t think there was any room to his right, but they found some.”

The Big 12 athletic directors told ESPN they have had “zero discussions” about expansion. “We see how strong and productive our league is with 10 members.” If true, maybe they can swap names with the 12-member Big 10?

The Republican National Committee is jumping on a mistake Hillary Clinton made when she referred to Abe Lincoln as a “Senator” from Illinois when he was actually a Congressman. Wonder how many current members of Congress knew he was either one.

(well, okay, McCain knew, since he was there.)

 

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, asked if he believes homosexuality is a disorder. “Whether or not you feel compelled to follow a particular lifestyle or not, you have the ability to decide not to do that. I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” Too bad Perry doesn’t have the desire to fight his genetic coding to be stupid.

 

Good point from Dennis Mar, about my comment that Tampa Bay, who hadn’t scored in three games, was perhaps trying to be the official MLB team of the World Cup?  ” To do so, some players would need to develop a baseball version of flopping — perhaps faking the hit-by-pitch.”

 

(Actually if the NBA really wanted to get rid of flopping it could be done instantly.. Make possible flops reviewable.  And if caught on replay, give the offender a technical.)

 

If the shoe hits?

April 12, 2014

The woman who killed her boyfriend with a stiletto heel has been sentenced to life in prison. Any possibility of parole will no doubt contain the condition of wearing flats.

Notre Dame has finally decided to install artificial Fieldturf in their football stadium for the upcoming season.. Standby for alums writing op-eds about how the Fighting Irish now have the best artificial turf ever.

The Tampa Bay Lightning’s Ryan Malone was arrested early Saturday morning on charges of DUI and possession of cocaine. Who says hockey players aren’t big time pro athletes?

 

The Texas judge who decided to put the “affluenza” teen in rehab instead of jail, decided his parents should pay $1170 a month for his treatment at a state hospital, using the hospital’s sliding scale. The actual cost, $715 a day. The state will pay the rest. Where’s Ted Cruz screaming about healthcare costs to taxpayers on this one?

 

Chad Johnson is working out for the CFL Montreal Alouettes. Will he change his name to “Quatre-vingt cinq?”

 

Although the Boston Red Sox challenged a call Saturday, and multiple replays showed the NY runner had taken his foot off second base and should have been out, the umps did not overturn it. MLB’s response “The conclusive angle was not immediately available.” Uh, two thoughts. 1. What’s the point if you DON’T have the “conclusive angle available.” 2. Suppose it’s better than saying. “You REALLY expect us to overturn a call against the Yankees?”

Sylvia Mathews Burwell was approved by a 96-0 vote in the Senate last year as the Office of Management and Budget director. But now many in the GOP are talking about a contentious confirmation process for her as HHS Secretary. Why? Because Obama chose her, of course. Isn’t that reason enough?

Ted Cruz said Sylvia Mathews Burwell’s confirmation hearing “presents an ideal opportunity to examine the failures that are Obamacare.” With all due respect, Senator Cruz thinks getting up in the morning presents an ideal opportunity to example the “failures” that are Obamacare.

 

 

The search goes on, but the pings have apparently faded in the Indian Ocean as the search for MH 370. Which is probably why amongst the CNN headlines today was “Hundreds sickened on cruise ships .”

From Bill Littlejohn:  “One man at the Masters saw Rory McIlroy’s face  in a pastry and bet $1,600 on the golfer.   It’s also one of the few times John Daly’s face wasn’t seen in a pastry”

 

Springing slowly forward.

March 9, 2014

So if we have to lose an hour of sleep, why can’t it be on say, a Thursday, when we’re almost at the weekend, and it doesn’t cut out of the Saturday night’s sleep that most Americans  look forward to the most?

 

In Ohio, two high schools were named ice hockey co-state champions after they played to a 1-1 tie after seven overtimes. Meaning that game lasted about as long as the last two minutes of some NBA games.

 

Another one the Onion can’t top: Michele Bachmann at CPAC. ” You see our movement at its core is an intellectual movement.”

 

More Michele Bachmann, railing against Obamacare. “Government is not the family, it is not the church and certainly it should never be our doctor’s office.” Okay, I can go along with that statement.

Ted Cruz on Obama. “The President of the United States is the first President we’ve ever had who thinks he can choose which laws to enforce and which to ignore.” Guess the Senator from Texas’s memory is working as well as the rest of his brain.

Two consumer groups are trying to get the Girl Scouts to end their partnership with Mattel’s Barbie. Saying that she is a flawed role model for little girls. “A flawed role model?”. Really? As a former owner I never wanted to be Barbie. But she had great clothes

What a week for the NBA Milwaukee Bucks, first Ersan Ilyasova was suspended for punching a Kings player, now O.J. Mayo was ejected and faces a suspension for shoving a Pelican. The Bucks may or may not end up with the #1 draft pick. But the whole team stands a chance of being invited to Celebrity Boxing.

Despite their horrible season, the Lakers are apparently not planning to fire coach Mike D’Antoni. Possibly because they think he has done as well as can be expected. And possibly because they don’t think they could get anyone else to take over this mess.

Stanford University coach David Shaw, speaking out against a potential new early signing period in college football said. “We have a lot of kids that don’t know if they’re going to get into school until after that early signing day. So we’re going to punish the academic schools just because coaches don’t want a kid to switch their commitment?” And down in the SEC, they’re asking “What’s an academic school?”

There doesn’t appear to be any happy ending with the story of Malaysian flight 370. But already there is the rumor of possible terrorism because two passengers were using stolen passports. Have to wonder though, on ANY given international flight with 200 plus people on board, how many people are using stolen or forged passports?

Let it be, whatever it was…

November 2, 2013

Paul McCartney, 71, says he and Yoko Ono, 80, have ended their feud. Which is either a sign of gracious maturity, or that they can’t remember why they disliked each other in the first place.

Phrase I’d nominate for oblivion: “Keeping bowl hopes alive.” Right, because everyone plays football in hopes of that magical 6-6 season.

Washington, D.C. is thinking of decriminalizing marijuana. Sounds good but there’s the danger of members of Congress smoking. Which might at least make them mellower but also lethargic and unable to accomplish anything… Oops, never mind.

Ted Cruz says his father was just “making a joke” when he said President Obama should go “back to Chicago, back to Kenya” at an event last year. Maybe. Or maybe Cruz is afraid of birthers telling him he should “go back to Texas, back to Canada.”

Despite videos surfacing that purport to show him smoking crack, Toronto mayor Rob Ford said again that he will not resign. At least until he figures out the steps to run next for mayor of Washington, D.C.

Alabama had a bye week this Saturday. Which means the Crimson Tide has about as much a chance of losing as they do against their usual out-of-conference cupcakes.

Apparently all 13 suspects arrested for credit card fraud at Barney’s stores this year were minorities: 10 black men, two black women, and an Asian woman. But one question, so how many white people may have committed credit card fraud, and weren’t arrested?

While Cal made it within a touchdown in their 33-28 loss today to Arizona, the Bears, with only a win against Portland State, look poised to run the table to be 0 for the conference. On the other hand, Cal does look to be in the lead for the “Pac 12 team most likely to be offered $1 million to play Alabama.”

The FCC is working on a proposal to require all NFL games to be shown in their teams’ home markets, even when the games don’t sell out. And football fans in Tampa and Jacksonville are crying – “Haven’t we suffered enough?”

Friday Night No Lights ?

October 25, 2013

So tonight, no MLB postseason baseball, no NFL football. In other words, recent business as usual in Southern California.

And so far, two very sloppy games. But then you can’t spell #WorldSeries without “E”s.

In a recent interview, Brett Favre said ‘God only knows the toll’ (with his concussions) and admitted forgetting some details about his family life. Of course, there’s a name for people who forget that kind of detail. They’re called “men.”

The GOP keeps attacking Obamacare. In part no doubt because they think Americans would be better off with the great Republican alternative healthcare reform plan that the party has put forward in great detail…. Oops, never mind.

Cory Vaughn, a Mets minor leaguer currently playing for the Scottsdale Scorpions in the Arizona Fall League, is recovering after being bit in the leg by a scorpion. Good thing the kid doesn’t play for a team affiliated with the Detroit Tigers.

Ted Cruz has railed against other members of Congress and staffers for accepting federal health insurance support. No doubt he’d prefer to pay his own way, except it turns out that Ted gets health insurance though his wife, who is an executive at Goldman Sachs….

Kraft has recalled some of their cheese products after they changed color and showed signs of spoilage before their expiration date. Shocking !   Kraft actually created cheese products that had an expiration date?

According to USA Today, U.S. Patent and Trademark Office received a registration application for the name “Washington Bravehearts” for the purpose of “Entertainment in the nature of football games.” The Redskins claim they have nothing to do with it. Makes sense, it’s the team’s long suffering fans who truly need to be bravehearted.

The GOP chair of a North Carolina county precinct apparently was forced resign yesterday after an interview aired on the Daily Show where he defended tougher voter ID rules and said “if it hurts a bunch of lazy blacks who want the government to give them everything so be it.” Wonder if he had to resign for the racism or the stupidity .

Now that pictures have surfaced of Doug Gansler’s hanging out at his son’s graduation party with underage drinkers, the Maryland attorney general (and gubernatorial candidate) is saying, several days later, that he made a mistake by not trying to stop the party. Uh, what he means is, he made a mistake by not realizing these days that EVERYTHING gets posted online.

This is the same Gansler who made a public service commercial saying parents are the leading influence on their kids’ behavior when it comes to alcohol, noting, “It’s never too early to talk to your kids about smart ways to say, `No.”‘.   Uh and it’s also never too early to say “I made a mistake.”

Rumors out of Tampa say the Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano may be fired before the end of the year. In Schiano’s favor, not sure who Tampa Bay could get instead willing to take over that mess.

 

Ah yes, the private sector. United Airlines cancels a flight from SF to JFK tomorrow for “airport conditions.” Computer doesn’t rebook passengers. No options within several hours. Called them to negotiate Newark as an option. While talking to the agent, United puts in a new flight SF to JFK a few minutes after the cancelled flight. Still doesn’t rebook cancelled passengers on it. In fact, says the flight is sold out in the booked class. 15 minutes later supervisor gets it done manually. (So did the ACA designers use an airline website model?)

Falling leaves, falling rankings.

October 20, 2013

Five ranked SEC teams lost yesterday. No punchline. I just like writing that.

 

The Washington Redskins actually won. I blame Obama.

Ted Cruz is now blaming Senate Republicans for the “lousy deal” to reopen the government. Other Senate Republicans are blaming voters in Texas.

Perhaps Shakespeare anticipated the BCS? As almost two months before bowls are actually decided, the first BCS standings are out – “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

An alligator wandered right outside a Walmart in Apopka, Florida last night, but returned to its nearby lake without incident. But the 6-foot creature now holds the title of the scariest thing seen at that Walmart, well not wearing curlers and short shorts….

Oregon beat WSU 62 to 38, but defensive coordinator Nick Aliotti was furious at Washington State coach Mike Leach, whose team racked up 559 yards. “That’s total bullshit that he threw the ball at the end of the game like he did I think it’s low class and it’s bullshit to throw the ball when the game is completely over against our kids that are basically our scout team.” How dare they indeed… why the Cougars even managed to cover the spread….

Stanford fans just watched a #Colts drive where #AndrewLuck showed how he WOULD have won the Fiesta Bowl. #Notbitter

Even for those of us whose team’s are not in the World Series, one thing to smile about – after this year Tim McCarver is retiring!

Maria Belen Chapur, Mark Sanford’s reason for “hiking the Appalachian trail” and now his fiancee, complained to a reporter that “Everybody has a fantasy that governors or lawmakers make a lot of money. ‘I’m going to take away that fantasy because a governor in the United States makes $108,000 per year … it’s not even enough to pay for private school for his children.” Oh the horror. (Btw, as a Congressman, Sanford now makes $174,000 a year. per capita income in South Carolina, $33,000.)

New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick isn’t happy with the controversial rule interpretation that led to the NY Jets’ game winning field goal today. And longtime Oakland Raiders fans are just giggling.

Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten in Vegas before 2013 season that the last undefeated team in the NFL would be the #KCchiefs?

If only strength of schedule helped for playoff seeding. #AndrewLuck and #Colts have beaten 49ers, Seahawks and Broncos.

Progress and Congress.

October 16, 2013

Cory Booker won the U.S Senate seat in New Jersey tonight. Against a Republican who called him a “Hollywood stand-in” for President Obama. Alas for Steve Lonegan NJ voters apparently viewed him as a stand-in for Ted Cruz.

A new study found that Oreos are as addictive as cocaine. The scary thing… what does that mean for treats that are made from real chocolate?

A flight from San Jose to Honolulu made an emergency stop in Oakland after a bird was sucked into an engine. Alaska Airlines reported no injuries. The bird, however, would disagree.

Brian Cashman’s former mistress is suing her psychiatrist for leaking medical information to the Yankees GM, which she claims to her arrest and incarceration for five months. Hmm, maybe we’ve found a possible woman who really deserves A-Rod.

Obama met briefly today with Miss America Nina Davuluri when she visited the White House with a group from the Children’s Miracle Network Hospital Champions. Presumably the President did so despite an offer to fill in during the shutdown from former President Clinton.

Staten Island Congressman Michael Grimm, who is single, is denying the story that he had a 17-minute sexual encounter with a woman in a wine bar bathroom. I don’t know… 17 minutes? Might raise his standing with female voters.

Ted Cruz decided not to block a vote on the Senate shutdown-debt ceiling deal. So has he decided he likes “Green Eggs & Ham?”

John Boehner may have accomplished the impossible – making Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell look like statesmen.

So regarding this Redskins controversy, we used to have the Washington Senators. In light of current events and current competence levels, why don’t we rename the football team the Washington House?

“Better to keep silent and be thought a fool” dept: Colts owner Jim Irsay said he was “frustrated” that his team won only one Super Bowl when Peyton Manning was there. Just the motivation Peyton needs for his next opponent… Indianapolis.

Peyton Manning in response to Colts’ owner Irsay’s complaint about them only having 1 ring. “I don’t have any answer for you on that, or any comment on any of that.” Two points on that: 1. Archie raised a classy son. 2. Broncos are 6-0, and the Colts 4-2. (No comment is a bit classier than “Suck it, Irsay.”)

What a relief for Fox announcers. With Pedroia’s single in 1st tonight, they didn’t need to spend most of #ALCS game 4 jinxing another #Tigers no-hitter.

If any men needed more explanation as to why females still adore Robert Redford, there’s was today’s CNN interview: Where the actor said that women and young people are the answer in Washington “Give them the reins. I think they can do better than we have.”

VOTE and other four letter words….

October 7, 2013

John Boehner this morning: “The votes are not in the House to pass a clean debt limit.” Gosh. If there were only a simple way to find out whether or not the Speaker is right.

And Boehner says while refusing to let the House vote on a clean bill simply to end the shutdown, President Obama “has my number.” What? 1-800-Douchebag?

Canadian-born Texas Senator Ted Cruz today linked raising the debt ceiling to defunding Obamacare. Amazing, a man born in a country where everyone has healthcare, working in a job where everyone has healthcare, doesn’t think everyone else deserves healthcare.

Bizarre fact about Stanford football this year. The only game that is not sold out is the “Big Game” against Berkeley. Of course, as my friend Michael McNabb put it, “Cal is taking a bye year.”

Back to sports for a bit:

#AndrewLuck does what his former coach couldn’t do this year. Beat Pete Carroll and the Seahawks.

Pittsburgh Pirates team payroll, about $66 million. $7 million less than A-Rod, Vernon Wells and Alfonso Soriano by themselves.

Okay, who had the New Orleans Saints and KC Chiefs 5-0 and the NY Giants 0-5? Now all you liars put your hands down.

51-48.  So who decided that today the Cowboys and Broncos were going to play arena football?

A 9-year-old boy got through security and onto a Delta Air Lines flight at Minneapolis Airport without a ticket this week. But no doubt TSA found and confiscated his bottle of water?

Manti T’eo and the San Diego Chargers played the Raiders in Oakland Sunday night, and fans in the “Black Hole” had a banner ready: ““R.I.P. Lennay Kekua.” Well, that might answer one question, where do Stanford Band members go after they graduate?

From Jim Barach  “California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars.”

A California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/272724/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-October-4-2013-Edition-439#sthash.4IcKrR46.dpuf

A California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Jim Barach of WCH

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/272724/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-October-4-2013-Edition-439#sthash.4IcKrR46.dpuf

At the California GOP convention, many attendees said they were worried about mid-term elections after this shutdown to repeal Obamacare. Well, maybe Boehner will just lead the next shutdown to try to repeal the 19th amendment.

 

British newspapers are reporting that Prince Harry may soon marry his girlfriend Cressida Bonas. Prompting a singular response from male British royal watchers – WWPW – What will Pippa Wear?

 

Apparently U.S. forces have captured a major Al Qaeda leader in Libya, a man who was wanted for the 1998 bombings of U.S. embassies in Africa. Finally, something for which the GOP will not blame Obama.

Goodnight Moon, Exit Sandman

September 26, 2013

Mariano Rivera, 44, left the mound at Yankee Stadium tonight for the last time. “A promising career ended so young” said Jamie Moyer.

O.J. Simpson has apparently been accused of stealing cookies in prison. What’s his defense going to be… if my clothes still fit, you must acquit?

Apparently Cory Booker has been exchanging some flirty tweets (no pictures) with a Portland stripper. Oh, the indecision of it all, Some of his opponents would like to use this against the unmarried Newark mayor, but then it would go against their accusations of him being gay…..

CNN reports that pilots snoozed in the cockpit of an Airbus A330 flying to London last August, (Apparently a Virgin America plane.) Stand by for a “pilot coffee” surcharge.

From Bill Littlejohn:   “New part-owner Shaquille O’Neal apologized to Sacramento fans for calling their team ‘the Queens’ back in the day.He did, however, encourage them to bring back their cow bells to the arena when Kobe Bryant comes to town”

Sarah Palin is threatening to endorse Primary opponents for GOP Senators who don’t go along with Ted Cruz? Maybe Cruz should really endear himself to Palin and quit his Senate term halfway through.

Bud Selig took over as acting MLB commissioner on Sept. 9, 1992, saying repeatedly he wouldn’t stay on in the job. He has now announced he will retire in 2015. When presumably Bud will join Cher on a farewell tour.

Some try to compare Eli Manning to his brother Peyton. But the way the Giants started off this year, maybe the more apt comparison now is to his dad Archie with the Saints.

An apparent deal has been reached on a U.N. resolution to require Syria to dismantle its chemical weapons stockpiles. Hmm, time for the House to vote to overthrow Obamacare again.

Dodgers fans might want to skip this one  – Even in a lost season there are joys. Like Tim #Lincecum striking out Yasiel #Puig three times in 7 innings. #SFGiants

Wendy Davis is running for Governor of Texas. And somewhere Ann Richards and Molly Ivins are smiling.

Woo hoo! Faceback says they are finally going to have an “Edit” function for original posts. So dyslexics and people who just type too fast – untie!

Not just a river in Egypt

August 23, 2013

ESPN dropped out of its partnership with PBS on the documentary “League of Denial,” a investigation of NFL players’ head injuries. The network said the decision was not due to league pressure. What’s next, an ESPN statement that the NFL doesn’t have a steroid problem?

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will retire next year. Or as the company might have put it “shutting down to avoid further damage to their computer business.”

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner in his resignation speech said “I’ve never sexually harassed anyone.” He blamed “those of you in the media and politics who fed this hysteria… You have unleashed a monster… I think [we’ll] be paying for this affront to democracy for a long time.” Even A-Rod is thinking “Dude is in serious denial.”

More from Bob Filner’s resignation speech, where he said San Diego “just faced a lynch mob.” And he said he was “trying to establish personal relationships” with women, “but the combination of awkwardness and hubris led to behavior that many found offensive.” Once again, empirical evidence on why we need more women in office.

 

Broadcaster Dave Flemming returned to the SF Giants broadcast booth Friday night  from the Little League World Series.  Big change. Good thing Dave’s a pro & can adjust to Giants’ lower level of play

Vin Scully has announced he will return in 2014 for his 65th year with the Dodgers. 65 years! Wow. Does that mean he was a rookie announcer back in Jamie Moyer’s rookie year?

Ben Affleck will be the new Batman. Can’t wait to hear him ask where to “pahk the Batmobile.”

The NFL fined RG3 $10,000 for wearing an unauthorized t-shirt that said “Operation Patience” to practice before a preaseason game. Good to know the league is focused on what’s really important.

The New England Patriots lost 40-9 to the Detroit Lions last night. Maybe it was just pre-season football. Or maybe God REALLY REALLY doesn’t like putting Tebow on the bench.

One of those “the world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel” moments: A GOP voter who believed Obama wasn’t a “natural born” citizen but still supported Ted Cruz told the Texas Tribune: “As far as I’m concerned, Canada is not really foreign soil.”

Cruz-ing?

August 20, 2013

Tea Party darling and possible 2016 Presidential candidate Ted Cruz released his birth certificate. He was born in Canada to a U.S. mother and a Cuban father, which most legal scholars say qualifies him as a “natural-born citizen” and thus eligible to run under the Constitution. Fine, except do his fans realize that this means it doesn’t matter if Obama was born in Hawaii, in Kenya or on Mars, because his mother was a U.S. citizen, he is also “natural-born.”

ESPN is reporting that allegedly Miguel Tejada, who was suspended 105 games for amphetamine use this season, was also implicated in the Biogenesis investigation. So MLB had the choice of suspending him for either case. Guess the league chose the option where their drug testing actually WORKED?

Understatement of the week? In a USA Today story on Egypt, a reservations agent at the Cairo Four Seasons was quoted “We cannot accept any reservations until next Saturday, because as you know, there are bad circumstances around the hotel.

Another thought about Ted Cruz’s birth certificate. Under Canadian law, unless he formally renounces it, he still has dual-citizenship, and could run for office in Canada. Of course, the country might view that as a serious threat to the U.S/Canada relationship.
 
 
Aaron Hernandez, writing a letter to a fan from jail. “My biggest fear of all is she (my little girl) won’t know daddy.” Many people watching this case think it might be scarier if she DID end up knowing him.
 
A-Rod’s lawyer said on the “Today Show” he wanted to talk more about the case, but was prohibited from doing so by baseball’s confidentiality clause. Then Matt Lauer showed him a document sent by MLB waiving confidentiality….. This isn’t a steroid issue any more, it’s the “World Series of Poker.”
 
Stay classy Texas GOP men: A supporter of Greg Abbott, the attorney general running for Governor tweeted that Abbott “would absolutely demolish idiot @WendyDavisTexas in Gov race – run Wendy run! Retard Barbie to learn life lesson” Abbott’s initial response “Thanks for your support.”
 

After a spate of negative publicity, the NCAA has given a waiver to five-year Marine veteran Steven Rhodes to play football at Middle Tennessee State. Originally Rhodes was ruled illegible because he played in a military recreational league. (Now had he played pro-baseball like Chris Weinke or Russell Wilson, it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place.)

Dick Van Dyke, 87, barely escaped injury while driving his sports car on Highway 101 near L.A. The Jaguar caught fire and a passing motorist pulled him out of the car before it was engulfed in flames. Glad he’s okay, but 87? Even NFL players are thinking “Dude, ever heard of a car and driver?

The Obama’s have adopted a second dog, Sunny, the same Portuguese Water Dog breed as Bo due to family allergies. GOP take on the new member of the President’s household? Just another Democrat supported by public funds.

Tweet (and twits) of the week? 

May 1, 2013

Even if you don’t care about baseball, got to love this tweet from Oakland A’s reliever Sean Doolittle (@whatwouldDOOdo): “In the 19th inning of a game that ended at 1:42am local time.  “(sic) Journal entry. Its now the 19th inning. we r out of food & water and weve lost 3 men to injury but morale is high. we need to win soon. SOS.”

 

More on the 19 inning game.  Gaylord Perry  hinted in his book  “Me and the Spitter,”  that first he tried his “new pitch”  in the 15th inning of a Giants-Mets 23 inning game in 1964.   So maybe we should keep an eye on potential swervy pitches from the A’s Brett Anderson, who pitched 5 1/3 innings of relief Monday night.

 

Texas A & M announced plans to renovate their football stadium to seat 102,500. Not that we need anything to put football in Texas in perspective, but the population of College Station, TX, where A & M is located, is 95,142.

 

Oops, a couple idiots in London pushed up a barricade to get into a lower deck at a Gatwick Airport parking garage. Police blew the van up, and discovered “nothing threatening” inside. They believe the men were trying to catch a flight.. Now, this could have been a terrorist dry run. If not and you think missing luggage is the worst thing that can happen at the end of a trip….

Three days until the Kentucky Derby. Always a big event for the NBA. Since finally the spotlight is on athletes who have more out-of-wedlock offspring than their players.

 

General Petraeus’s biographer and ex-mistress Paula Broadwell said today she has made some mistakes but is returning to her “faith-based” roots.” And that she is looking for “meaningful work not publicity.” Just guessing not too many wives would sign off on her doing any more biographies.

 

Apparently Ted Cruz is considering a run for President in 2016. Even though he was born in Canada to a Cuban father and U.S. mother. Well, at least Cruz is consistent in his demonstrated mastery of the U.S. Constitution.

 

Robert Griffin III says he will not keep playing the next time he has an injury; he claims that he has learned from his “mistakes.” If so, he might be one of the only NFL players who has.

The SF 49ers have signed British Olympic discus finalist Lawrence Okoye, who has never played football. Well, makes sense, NFL teams sign student-athletes all the time who have never been students.

 

From T.C.  “The PGA has dropped doping case against Vijay Singh over deer antler spray. It is no longer on the list of banned substances. Insiders say that Tiger never used it, but may have at one time hit on a waitress named Bambi.”