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Droning on…

June 5, 2013

Domino’s is testing a drone, dubbed the DomiCopter, that could someday deliver two large pizzas within a four mile radius in 10 minutes. Considering the fat and calories in an average large Domino’s pizza, this drone is likely to kill a lot more Americans than those used by the Defense Department.

The GOP is mad at Chris Christie for calling a special election in October and not appointing a Republican senator through 2014. Democrats are mad at the N.J. Governor for not having the election three weeks later when he himself is running for re-election. Thinking if you can annoy both parties you must be doing something right.
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Chris Christie has called a special election for October 16 to replace N.J. Senator  Frank Lauterberg. Smart decision. Avoids the political trap of choosing someone to serve 18 months, and at least Mets, Phillies and probably Yankees fans won’t be distracted by playoff games.
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Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is finally final. So where are all the defenders of traditional marriage for procreation and child raising on this one?

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Am I happy reading about the tax money spent on expensive IRS conferences, no? But a little amusing to hear the outrage from Congress when they also support allowing tax deductions for “business expenses” like Michelin-starred meals, five-star hotels and Super Bowl tickets…

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Adrian Peterson says now that he would be okay with a openly gay teammate. But that “simple things, as far as showers and things like that, you know, of course, anyone would be uncomfortable.” Once again, proof that women are tougher than men.

 

Wednesday’s Blue Jays Giants game is a 100mph pitchers’ duel. Dickey and Zito combined might throw 100mph.

Well, we knew Yasiel Puig could hit AAA pitching. Now let’s see what happens when the Dodgers take on someone other than the Padres.
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Meanwhile from Bill Littlejohn:   “A skunk made an appearance in the stands at Dodger Stadium last night.Scouting reports said that he’s a pretty good spray hitter”

(insert Pepe Le Puig joke here.)
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“Really?” department: The Pres. of the Coalition for Life of Iowa, a witness at the IRS hearings said her group was provisionally granted 501(c)(3) nonprofit status on the condition that its officers sign a promise that they would not protest nor organize protests or pickets of Planned Parenthood. “That’s not what we’re even about. When we go to Planned Parenthood, we’re there to pray. Granted some of our members do bring signs….”
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After a few statements he made at a dinner in December became public, Ohio State president Gordon Gee announced his retirement today. Gee had simply joked about “those damn Catholics” at Notre Dame and mocked SEC academics. Kind of makes you wonder what else he said that might be on someone’s video.
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After #GameofThornes #RedWedding presumably there will be less bitching from #DowntonAbbey fans that the show is too cruel to its characters.
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From Paul Seaburn   “Former Miss America Erika Harold announced she’ll run for Congress in Illinois in 2014 as a Republican. Her platform is expected to be shoes.”

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The Happie$t Place on Earth?

June 3, 2013

The U.S. Govt says inflation from 2010 to 2013 has only been 6.6%. Today, Disneyland raised Anaheim regular single-day ticket prices to $92, up 28% from $72 in 2010. Their statement: “Like any business, we evaluate and adjust our pricing based on a variety of factors.” Sounds like Disney should be a honorary airline.

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Dwyane Wade thinks the Miami Heat’s problem against the Indiana Pacers come from the fact that he and Chris Bosh aren’t getting the ball enough. And even Dwight Howard is thinking “Dude, quit whining and play.”

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Kim Kardashian revealed the sex of the baby she said she won’t raise on reality televison tonight. It’s a girl, and Kim announced it on “Keeping up With the Kardashians.

 

 

Thunderstorms cut short ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball tonight.   But think I speak for most of America in asking “Can’t we just have ALL nationally televised Red Sox-Yankees games only last 6 innings?

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Los Angeles scratched starting pitcher Hyun-Jin Ryu today with a sore foot. After a week where both A.J. Ellis and Matt Kemp were injured. At this point would it be faster to name the Dodgers who AREN’T on the DL?

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Okay, who predicted the SF Giants’ best starting performances in a week would come from Barry #Zito and Chad #Gaudin? #Liarliar

 

Looks like the Indiana Pacers’   Roy Hibbert will be fined for his gay slur and for calling the media “mf-ers” last night. Not sure how much,  but wonder if Sarah Palin has already volunteered to pay the fine for the media part.

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Darrell Issa , having moved on temporarily from Benghazi to the IRS, referred to White House spokesman Jay Carney today as “their paid liar.” Leaving aside Issa’s own rather checkered past, how did I miss all his outrage back in the days of WMDs?

(a long but interesting read on Issa in the New Yorker, for those who care.   http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/01/24/110124fa_fact_lizza?currentPage=all)

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Fox Sports apologized before today’s NASCAR race for the broken television cable that interrupted last week’s Coca-Cola 600 and injured 10 fans. Wonder if Fox waited a week to apologize because they were trying to figure how to blame it on Obama?

 

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A College Republican report on how the GOP lost young voters apparently includes a line about “Perception of the party’s economic stance”: “We’ve become the party that will pat you on your back when you make it, but won’t offer you a hand to help you get there.” Uh, yeah, pretty much.

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Changing the Pace?

June 2, 2013

If the #Pacers win game 7 Monday night against the #Heat, the biggest #flopping in the NBA finals may be their TV ratings.

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In a post game news conference Saturday night, the Pacers’ Roy Hibbert used a gay slur in one answer. And added the kind of curse that will get you tossed from most sporting events to refer to the media.    So is he part of a conspiracy already…to try to make the Heat the more likeable team?

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#SFGiants thought it was bad when last night’s game was rained out. Turns out it was worse when today’s doubleheader wasn’t…

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(As my friend Tony Alan Banks says, Hill is such a class act, hard to believe he was ever in the NBA.)

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Colts QB Andrew Luck said “It’s the 21st century” and he would have “absolutely no problem” with an openly gay teammate. (And hey, what Luck didn’t mention. None of those distractions like paternity suits.)

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R.I.P. Jean Stapleton. So in heaven tonight will Carroll O’Connor be greeting her with a big hug and “Stifle, Edith, Stifle!?

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Krispy Kreme Doughnuts stock jumped after first quarter sales and profit exceeded expectations. Sounds like the new Colorado and Washington marijuana laws are already stimulating the economy.

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Nine people were killed in the most recent Oklahoma tornadoes, but two storm chasers are alive despite being temporarily trapped in the eye of the storm and hit by flying debris. And somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

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Stephen Strasburg left after 2 innings  Friday with an oblique injury. No doubt making Nationals fans even more thrilled that the team shut him down in a possible World Series year.

 

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Okay, am I the only one who sees “Tiger has worst nine holes ever” and thinks that it’s a waitress joke?

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Today marks the 60th anniversary of the coronation of England’s Queen. And yes, we’re talking Elizabeth, not the first Grammy won by Elton John.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg, after Keyshawn Johnson complained about Justin Bieber’s speeding: in their neighborhood:   “When your behavior offends an ex-NFL receiver, it is time to clean up your act.”

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Fit to be tied?

May 24, 2013
So are the Indianapolis #Pacers the best NBA team no one has ever heard of?
 

 

Notre Dame’s football program is apparently paying ex-coach Charlie Weiss over $2 million this year, about twice as much as current coach Brian Kelly. But hey, it will work out, after Kelly signs an extension and then gets fired a few years later he’ll make more than the next coach.

 

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The NBA fined Memphis Grizzlies guard Tony Allen $5,000 for violating the league’s anti-flopping rule. Or maybe let’s call it what it is – a bad acting award.

 

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Go figure, Nokia is now advertising their smartphone as having the best “low-light camera?” Guess we can bid farewell to the days when telephone companies market their devices’ ability to actually make and receive calls.

 

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Former “Bachelorette” Meredith Phillips says she used to be an alcoholic. As opposed to all the people who were just driven to drink too much to get through watching the show.

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Donald Rumsfeld said he would give the Obama administration an F, though he would gave the Bush administration a D-. Isn’t this like Mark Sanford or Anthony Weiner complaining about politicians who can’t be trusted?

 

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Apparently the company that owns the TGI Fridays accused of selling fake top shelf booze also owns a number of Wendy’s in New Jersey. Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about what’s in their hamburgers.

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Bob Dylan is 72 today. Easier for him to grow old perhaps than many music stars. Many of them lose their voices with age. He never had one to lose.

 

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This Bay Bridge bolt mess in Northern California just turned into a Wizard of Oz moment: “Pay no attention to that bridge in Washington state….”

 

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Over a decade ago, Jerry Lewis said he was against idea of women comics, and this week he repeated it, saying “I cannot sit and watch a lady diminish her qualities to the lowest common denominator.” Responded most female comics “Jerry Lewis has qualities to be diminished?”

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Investigators from New Jersey’s division of Alcoholic Beverage Control say they caught 29 bars and restaurants selling the cheapest booze, rubbing alcohol and/or dirty water when customers ordered and paid for top-shelf drinks. 13 of the establishments were TGI Fridays. Makes you kind of wonder what they put in the food.

 

 

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Power (ball) failure?

May 18, 2013

Apparently if we really want to get voter turnout up in the US, all we need to do is offer voters a free #Powerball ticket.

 

But there was a Powerball winner tonight,  as the odds indicated this time because  most combinations were picked. And if most Americans understood the math of why that is unusual, they wouldn’t be playing in the first place.

 

(although as Michael Schilby points out..  A ticket is “cheaper than going to a Cubs game, and, if you’re a Cubs fan, more rewarding.”

 

One positive thing about Powerball, at least it’s made sure most Americans have learned to count to 59.

 

Was only six numbers off tonight’s #Powerball jackpot, and I didn’t even play.

 

So with about a month to go in the NBA finals, we’ve got teams from the major media markets left of San Antonio, Indianapolis, Memphis and Miami. The winner? Might be Major League Baseball.

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#Oxbow won the #Preakness. Meaning the Belmont Stakes will now be about as much of a TV ratings success as the rest of #NBC’s lineup.

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Not saying Oxbow’s jockey Gary Stevens is old, but rumor has it he had to rush to the track for the 6:18pm post time after finishing his Early Bird special dinner.

 

(Alex Kaseberg adds, that Stevens is so old,  “he left Oxbow’s right turn signal on the whole race.”)

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Wow, never thought I’d type this: If the 2013 SF Giants could pitch and catch, they’d be dangerous.

 

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In 2013, Notre Dame can qualify for a BCS bowl if they win 9 games and finish in the top 14 of the final BCS poll. But due to current contracts, if they win, say, 6-7 games the Fighting Irish, while bowl-eligible, might have to stay home. Oh the horror.

 

No one was injured when a US Airways Express flight had landing gear problems and ended up making a belly landing at Newark Airport airport last night. But standby for a “wheel maintenance fee.”

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So will the main accomplishment of the Houston Astros moving leagues be keeping the LA Angels out of last place in the AL West?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if Americans and the media got as up in arms about coming up with a fair and reasonable tax system as they did over whether some political groups were too closely scrutinized over what would be at best a questionable tax-exempt status?

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Youth and skill…

May 16, 2013

Are sometimes overrated.  Signed the old and treacherous San Antonio Spurs.  (But nice try, Warriors.)

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Who’s rooting hardest for the New York Knicks to stay in the NBA playoffs? Might be the Mets and Jets. As long as the Knicks are alive it keeps their problems off the front page.

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Former Oakland Raider 1st round draft pick Rolando McClain, 23, just retired after signing with the Ravens. But McClain, who’s been arrested 3 times in 2 years, says he’s only leaving football to get his personal life in order and “God willing,”might play in the NFL again. Right, because nothing helps you get things together than having millions of dollars and nothing to do.

 

(An interesting aside, Ryan Duca points out that dating back 10 years, the Raiders have zero 1st or 2nd round picks that they made still on the roster.)

 

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The White House would really like to get these negative stories off the front page. Wonder how much they’ve offered to have Carnival Cruise Lines strand another ship somewhere?

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A bipartisan House committee says say have an agreement “in principle,” on immigration reform. What?! How did they find the time with all these more important questions to deal with like Benghazi and the IRS tea party targeting? .

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Another thought about the IRS and targeting potential conservative tax-exempt organizations. Yes, again, stupid. But if the agency had that much political power wouldn’t they have taken away the exemption for Karl Rove’s “Crossroads GPS?”

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Hillary Clinton has been announced as a speaker for the ASTA travel agent convention this September. And no doubt Bill has told her “Honey, you need to travel and see as many vacation destinations as possible beforehand.”

 

The latest player caught in baseball’s testing program is a Marlins minor league pitcher who has been suspended 50 games. If you have to cheat and you can’t even make the Miami Marlins roster, maybe it’s time to find a new career choice.

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WTF? Dick Cheney on Benghazi: “In my past experience when we got into these situations — especially after 9/11 — we were always there, locked and loaded, ready to go on 9/11.” So after Benghazi who does Cheney think Obama should have invaded?‘

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Florida is trying to get rid of gambling machines, which some think means they should shut down games inside Chuck E. Cheese. Although patrons would still be gambling that they could find anything edible.

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Alabama coach Nick Saban said that former assistant coach Tim Davis’s calling him “the devil himself” was “terribly disappointing.” I believe Saban prefers the term “God.”

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MLB is thinking of expanding video review in 2014 and possibly making all calls other than balls or strikes subject to instant replay. Stand by for Yankees-Red Sox games going from four to five hours.

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David Beckman has announced his retirement.  Once again Brett Favre responded: “the first time is the hardest.”

 

American Airlines is trying something smart. Allowing passengers whose only carry-on item fits under the seat to board early, in hopes of avoiding the slowdown when folks try to get their suitcases overhead. Now the fun, watching passengers insist their large bags fit under the seat…..

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Now, on the other side of smart,  American managed to lose a box containing a gold worth $625,000 at Miami International Airport.  The airline believes it was stolen after it was unloaded onto the tarmac.

And here you thought it was just your cheap luggage they couldn’t keep track of….

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From Bill Littlejohn:  San Francisco pitcher Jeremy Affedlt discovered a clerical error from earlier in his contract and, as a result, returned $500,000.00 back to the Giants.A similar situation with Alex Rodriguez might involve the return of the Louisiana Purchase.

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Venezuela, which has been dealing with all kinds of consumer goods and food shortages, now has a shortage of toilet paper. Insert “deep doo-doo” joke here:

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Mother’s Day and all that jazz.

May 12, 2013

Rough night for $NBA players. – #MothersDay Eve: so many potential baby mamas, so little time.

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Another Mother’s Day thought.  Anyone who thinks that they should have figured out a way to watch SNL with Mom Saturday night will soon be  off the hook.   Because Moms who are old enough to remember when SNL was consistently funny are getting too old to stay up that late.

 

Some think the Washington Nationals sacrificed a chance to win the World Series by shutting Stephen Strasburg down last year, but Nats management insisted they were thinking of the future. So far in 2013, Strasburg is 1-5, and just got shelled by the Cubs…. Carpe something.

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O.J. Simpson is trying to get out of jail by claiming he had such bad representation that his robbery conviction should be reversed and a new trial ordered. In other words “If my lawyers were sh*t, you must acquit.”

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The House just passed a bill that eliminates overtime pay for anyone working over 40 hours a week. While they’re at it, how about a bill to make Congress actually work 40 hours in a week?

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Regarding the story that the IRS was carefully scrutinizing groups with “tea party” and “patriot ” in their titles who were trying to get tax-exempt status: why are ANY political groups able to get tax-exempt status?

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Unclear on the concept: So apparently Lindsay Lohan wants out of the Betty Ford Center because they took away her Adderall.

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Another home run on a “pitcher’s pitch” today.  If there’s a book on how to pitch to Pablo Sandoval, presumably it’s in the fantasy section.

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Many Whole Foods customers in the Northeast were appalled to learn that the vegan chicken salad they had purchased actually contained real chicken. It’s the biggest shock most of them had had at Whole Foods since they got their last total bill at the register.

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From Marc Ragovin:   “I’m not saying that MLB umpire Fielding Culbreath — who was suspended for allowing an illegal pitching change — is unfamiliar with the game’s rules, but the other day he was heard singing “cause it’s one, two, three strikes take your base, at the old ball game.”

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A really not so big show?

May 11, 2013

NBA playoffs on TNT. You know we’re talking major media outlet when the commercials are for CaliforniaPsychics.com “$1 a minute but the first question is free.

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This post is a joint effort with my friend Alex Kaseberg: Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are playing badly. But the team has started referring to Dodger Stadium as “the Friendly Confines.”

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In yesterday’s Astros-Angels game, the umpires mistakenly allowed Houston to make a second pitching change before the original reliever threw a pitch. (This is illegal starting in Little League.) So after the missed home run call Wednesday, we’ve now had blind, and dumb. Waiting to see what they’ll do for deaf.

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If it’s not one thing, it’s another. New Rutgers men’s basketball coach Eddie Jordan said he was a 1977 graduate from the university. But apparently while Jordan attended Rutgers, he never received a degree. So maybe this makes Eddie a perfect fit for today’s players.–
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1 in 8 Americans over the age of 60 says their memory is getting worse, which could be a sign of a Alzheimer’s problem. On the other hand as most parents who remind teenagers of various things will confirm ….memory loss begins at puberty.
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“Teen Mom” Farrah Abraham says that despite selling her sex tape for $1 million, she’s “not that sexually active.” Glad she cleared that up. Her parents must be so proud.
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Suri Cruise, 7, has apparently signed (?!) a contract to launch a fashion line for young girls. The first “Suri” collection will be available this fall in New York. Well, at least Suri’s older than the kids who will be making the clothes.
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An American Heart Association study found that owning a pet and found that owning a pet is “probably associated” with a lower risk of heart disease. This may be because of the companionship, or in the case of cats, because they teach people how to relax and not give a sh*t.
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Roy Halladay today apologized to Philly fans for his performance before going on the DL, “….and my heart goes out to all of the people who spend all of their money and go out to the games and don’t get to see what they want to see.” Down in Los Angeles, Angels and Dodgers fans are waiting for apologies from their whole teams.
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MLB has suspended umpire Fieldin Culbreth for two games. Culbreth is the crew chief who didn’t know on Thursday that a relief pitcher has to face one batter before being replaced. Presumably two days off is enough time to read the rule book?
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 On the players’ side, Cincinnati Reds minor league pitcher Daniel Tuttle has been suspended for 100 games for a THIRD violation baseball’s drug program. Getting caught three times?! At this point that’s being suspended for stupidity as much as drugs.
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One of the “fastest rising” baby names for boys in the U.S. is “Messiah.” If the trend continues, how many Jewish moms will name their son “Doctor?”
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Hooters is giving free meals to moms on Mother’s Day. Only thing worse than taking your mom to Hooters on Mother’s Day?   Going to Hooters on Mother’s Day and seeing mom at work.

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Almost idle?

May 9, 2013

Well, at least one #AmericanIdol judge isn’t being fired after this season. Randy Jackson has announced he is quitting.

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It will be an interesting American Idol finale. But how many people would would vote to keep Angie – the woman voted off tonight  -as a judge next week, and send Nicki Minaj home?

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For teams with taxpayer-funded stadiums, Senator John McCain has a bill that wants to eliminate NFL TV blackouts for games that aren’t sold out. Every once in a while McCain reminds me why I used to like him.

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“Arya” was the fastest rising baby name for girls in 2012, thanks to the popularity of “Game of Thrones.” And 40-50 years from now women will curse their parents because everyone will know exactly how old they are.

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After watching last night’s Golden State-San Antonio game even the #Lakers said the #Spurs looked old.

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Detroit DT Nick Fairley says that in 2013 the Lions are going to the Super Bowl. Even Cubs fans think he’s delusional.

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Maxim’s hot-100 list for 2013 includes at #69 – Lennay Kekua – Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend. Well, I guess having a fake girlfriend means never having to say “Yes, dear.”

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San Francisco is getting its first Applebee’s. Down on Fisherman’s Wharf near Bubba Gump’s and Rainforest Cafe. So even more tourists can go home and say the food out here is “nothing special.”

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In a poll of the 100 most-trusted Americans, Jimmy Carter, 88, is the highest on the list at #24.   Maybe because of the good works he has done since leaving the Presidency. Or maybe because most people think he’s too old to remember how to lie.

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No one should feel sorry for a team that has won 2 World Series titles in 3 years. But as the SF Giants’ Ryan Vogelsong saw his ERA go up tonight to 7.78, the starting pitcher they traded to “rent” Carlos Beltran in 2011, Zach Wheeler, is close to a call up with the NY Mets. (This post is for my otherwise unhappy Dodger fan friends, enjoy. :-))

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We’re only at most, halfway through the second round of the NBA playoffs, and ZERO games Thursday night. Guess the league doesn’t want to do anything that would provide fans anything less than a two month postseason.

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Ah justice. An Arizona court will delay the decision on whether or not convicted killer Jodi Arias should be put to death because she is currently on “suicide watch.”

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Not PC, but the more we hear about the Cleveland rape-kidnap suspect, the more I think, is there any more room in that grave they found for the Boston bomber? And no need to kill him first.

(Of course, while we’re being un-PC, and on the subject of his potential “suicide watch,”  my sense is regarding this monster is that a lot of Americans would pay to watch..)

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From TC  “According to Forbes.com, Tim Tebow is the most influential athlete on sports fans for 2013. He beat out the likes of swimmer Michael Phelps and Yankees Derek Jeter. Obviously, no coaches, GMs or owners have ever visited Forbes.com”

 

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Tweet (and twits) of the week? 

May 1, 2013

Even if you don’t care about baseball, got to love this tweet from Oakland A’s reliever Sean Doolittle (@whatwouldDOOdo): “In the 19th inning of a game that ended at 1:42am local time.  “(sic) Journal entry. Its now the 19th inning. we r out of food & water and weve lost 3 men to injury but morale is high. we need to win soon. SOS.”

 

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More on the 19 inning game.  Gaylord Perry  hinted in his book  “Me and the Spitter,”  that first he tried his “new pitch”  in the 15th inning of a Giants-Mets 23 inning game in 1964.   So maybe we should keep an eye on potential swervy pitches from the A’s Brett Anderson, who pitched 5 1/3 innings of relief Monday night.

 

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Texas A & M announced plans to renovate their football stadium to seat 102,500. Not that we need anything to put football in Texas in perspective, but the population of College Station, TX, where A & M is located, is 95,142.

 

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Oops, a couple idiots in London pushed up a barricade to get into a lower deck at a Gatwick Airport parking garage. Police blew the van up, and discovered “nothing threatening” inside. They believe the men were trying to catch a flight.. Now, this could have been a terrorist dry run. If not and you think missing luggage is the worst thing that can happen at the end of a trip….

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Three days until the Kentucky Derby. Always a big event for the NBA. Since finally the spotlight is on athletes who have more out-of-wedlock offspring than their players.

 

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General Petraeus’s biographer and ex-mistress Paula Broadwell said today she has made some mistakes but is returning to her “faith-based” roots.” And that she is looking for “meaningful work not publicity.” Just guessing not too many wives would sign off on her doing any more biographies.

 

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Apparently Ted Cruz is considering a run for President in 2016. Even though he was born in Canada to a Cuban father and U.S. mother. Well, at least Cruz is consistent in his demonstrated mastery of the U.S. Constitution.

 

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Robert Griffin III says he will not keep playing the next time he has an injury; he claims that he has learned from his “mistakes.” If so, he might be one of the only NFL players who has.

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The SF 49ers have signed British Olympic discus finalist Lawrence Okoye, who has never played football. Well, makes sense, NFL teams sign student-athletes all the time who have never been students.

 

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From T.C.  “The PGA has dropped doping case against Vijay Singh over deer antler spray. It is no longer on the list of banned substances. Insiders say that Tiger never used it, but may have at one time hit on a waitress named Bambi.”

 

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Collinsanity?

April 29, 2013

Congrats to Jason Collins for his decision.  While  most Americans knew this day was coming for some male athletes , someone had to say  “It’s me”  instead of  “me, too.”

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And okay, there’s a first time for everything.  Kudos to Kobe Bryant.  For being one of the first players to tweet support.

(any regular or even semi-regular reader knows I am NOT usually a Kobe fan.)

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So far mostly positive reaction from NBA players to Jason Collins’ coming out as gay. And hope those who might condemn him as going against their Christian ideal of heterosexual monogamy, have realized they’ve already survived having teammates with several baby mamas.

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From Gary Bachman:   “Breaking news: a male professional ice skater has come out that he is straight.”

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Hope someone signs Jason Collins asap and that he gets a lot of standing ovations when introduced in 2013. #Collinsanity

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To be fair, Jason Collins already has known what it’s like to face public embarrassment.  He spent last season with the Washington Wizards.

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Thinking after this season a whole lot of NBA players now might rather have Jason Collins on their team than Dwight Howard.

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Another nice thing about the Jason Collins story. Knocked the NFL right off the front page. Had the league known he was coming out today, wonder if they’d have asked the Jets to wait a day to release Tim Tebow?

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And the best thing about Jason Collins’ announcement for Los Angeles basketball fans: It knocks the Lakers’ abysmal performance in the postseason right out of the sports headlines.

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President Obama called Jason Collins “to express his support and said he was impressed by his courage.” Part of Barack’s continuing effort to make Rush Limbaugh’s head explode. Oh wait, Rush had Elton John sing at his last wedding. Never mind….

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The NBA relocation committee has voted unanimously to keep the Sacramento Kings from relocating to Seattle. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “Take our Lakers, please.”

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S&P 500 had a record close today, and Nasdaq is at its highest level in more than 12 years. I blame Obama.

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Metta World Peace defending Dwight Howard. “I think we (the Lakers) put a little too much pressure on Dwight.” Gosh, did they take away Howard’s blankee too?

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So in response to a debate question about his vote to impeach Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford tonight responded “Do you think that President Clinton should be condemned for the rest of his life for a mistake he made?” Uh, Mr. Sanford, the point is that YOU thought the answer to that question was “yes.”

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The #NYJets released #TimTebow today. Can’t wait to see the press conference when Mark Sanchez fumbles his response.

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On the clock

April 27, 2013

Former Oregon coach Chip Kelly drafted former Stanford star Zach Ertz. Guess Kelly always wanted to know what it was like to coach a student-athlete.

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LSU CB Tharold Simon, projected to be drafted Friday, was arrested last night in his Louisiana hometown on charges of threatening a police officer, public intimidation and noise violation. So was this Simon’s last ditch effort to be drafted by the Bengals?

(Simon update,  not drafted yet at time of posting.  Maybe better to save your arrests until you actually are part of the NFL?)

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As of Friday night, is Matt Barkley looking into whether or not he has another year of eligibility at #USC?

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From Alex Kaseberg:  The San Diego Chargers selected Manti Te’o. Or is it just somebody on twitter and Facebook pretending to be the San Diego Chargers?

(At least T’eo didn’t get drafted by the NY Jets. Who these days are pretending to be a professional football team.)

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And with Manti T’eo to the San Diego Chargers, expect opposing stadiums to cue the “California Dreaming” music.

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A U.S. brother and sister are recovering after a 14-hour swim to safety in St. Lucia when their boat sank during a fishing excursion. The pair are thinking it could have been worse – at least they hadn’t booked a Carnival Cruise.

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Gwyneth Paltrow told Ellen Degeneres that she was “humiliated” by a see-through dress she wore to the Premiere of Iron Man. Here’s a hint Gwyneth, it IS possible to try clothes on in front of a mirror.

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Coach Rick Pitino had to get a tattoo after he promised to get inked if his Louisvlle Cardinals won the National Championship. Well, at least that’s one worry no one ever has managing the Chicago Cubs.

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Los Angeles #Lakers against the San Antonio #Spurs. As far as Jack Nicholson is concerned, it’s Too Few Good Men.

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Air traffic delays fixed. Now if we could figure out a way to REALLY make the sequester hurt members of Congress we’d have the whole budget settled in a week.

(My friend Keith Odgen suggests furloughing their staff.)

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The sequester continues, but Congress managed to fix the furloughs that involved air travel. Which is good news for travelers. And bad news for airlines who are losing a major excuse for delays.

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So much yellow at Oracle Arena for the Denver Nuggets-Golden State Warriors game last night – almost as if the Oregon Duck exploded.

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So Lindsey Graham is now trying to blame the Boston bombings on Obama by saying the suspects should have been under closer surveillance. Considering that the FBI Watch List has about 500,000 people on it, would Senator Graham like to discuss 1- How that’s logistically possible? 2- How are we going to pay for it?

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Missed it by that much.

April 17, 2013

Who in the media are making the decisions to go with this ever increasing number of incorrect  Boston stories? Have to assume their prior careers with the airlines announcing things like ‘brief delay,” and “we’ll be boarding in a few minutes.”

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American Airlines says their flights are “back to normal” after a computer glitch grounded all their planes yesterday. On the other hand, American has been named the official airline of Carnival Cruise Lines.

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Got to love that most of today’s GOP thinks you should be able to buy a gun with no background checks, but heaven forbid if you want to something REALLY dangerous, like voting.

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If as an SF Giants fan I have to wish the New York Yankees well for playing SweetCaroline last night, It is convenient that they’re playing the NL West AZ D’backs.

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No arrests as of Wednesday night in the Boston marathon bombings yet. In the meantime, if you are a man in Boston interested in buying a good-sized pressure cooker, might be a good idea to wait a week.

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So a compromise proposal to expand gun background checks “lost” in the Senate as the vote was 54 for and 46 against. 54-46?! Whatever happened to majority rule?

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Phil Jackson is reportedly ready to end his latest coaching retirement. Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, give it up already.

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Tonight is last night of #NBA regular season. So this means only 3-4 months until the playoff finals?

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The National Republican Congressional Committeesaid they will not be putting any more money into Mark Sanford’s congressional race. Allegedly because the GOP was caught “off guard” by Jenny Sanford’s trespassing charges and worry other damaging revelations about his personal life could emerge before the election. Gosh, and why would they doubt Mark at this point?

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American Airlines apologized for their computer glitch that grounded flights yesterday. Wonder how long it will take them to add a “computer maintenance” fee?

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More proof that women are tougher than men: WNBA #1 pick, Britney Griner, about sexuality and sports – “I wouldn’t say I was hiding or anything like that. I’ve always been open about who I am and my sexuality. If I can show that I’m out and I’m fine and everything’s OK, then hopefully the younger generation will definitely feel the same way.”

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg   “The movie ’42’ is out.  It is a movie about Jackie Robinson, so it is about class, courage, grace and dignity. Or as it is also known: ‘The Not Alex Rodriguez Story.’ ”

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Another story on “Sweet Caroline” last night.  We may hate other teams on the field, but we are all Americans:

http://aol.sportingnews.com/mlb/story/2013-04-16/new-york-yankees-sweet-caroline-boston-red-sox-marathon-victims-tribute

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Bear arms,… arm bears….. It’s so confusing.

April 10, 2013

A circus elephant escaped serious injury when she was hit by a bullet in a drive-by shooting in Tupelo, Miss. Waiting for the NRA to issue a statement saying that we now need to arm elephants.

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Stephen Colbert apparently has convinced Bill Clinton to open a Twitter account. But once again, I think we can all be happy that the former president never had the ability to text or send camera phone pictures while in office.

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Many Colorado Rockies fans were complaining because the team doesn’t have their home opener until April 15. Today’s high temperature in Denver? 18 degrees. I think this is Mother Nature’s way of saying “STFU.”

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Scripps National Spelling Bee just announced that semi-finalists will now also have to know the meaning of the words they spell in the competition. Great. Yet another way for 11 year olds to make us feel stupid.

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At least 15 people were injured in an attack at a Texas college near Houston. So far injuries only. But then there is no such thing as a semi-automatic knife.

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Tom Cruise now says that he “did not expect” Katie Holmes’ abrupt filing for divorce last year. What? Tom must have thought it was a 10 year contract instead of five.

 

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As the NBA draft declarations begin have to wonder why colleges raise NCAA tournament banners any more. Not like any of the players on the teams are ever there the following year to see them.

 

Former V.P. Dick Cheney spoke to Republican lawmakers Tuesday about North Korea, and reportedly told them “We’re in deep doo-doo.” “Deep doo-doo?!” And this is the man who was supposed to be W’s adult supervision?

 

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Golden State Warriors heading to the playoffs for the 2nd time in the last 19 years. Or as Chicago Cubs fans call that – “practically a dynasty.”

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How scary a stat is this?  (From Gregg Drinnan of the Kamloops Daily News in British Columbia “Lakers center Dwight Howard has missed more free throws this season than Steve Nash has missed in his 17-year career.,”

And if anyone’s reading this in Orlando they’re just giggling….

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Tigers DH Victor Martinez missed today’s game when he needed stitches after cutting his thumb on the bat rack at Comerica Park. In San Francisco, Bruce Bochy issued an order to keep Jeremy Affeldt away from the bat rack.

(Giants fans can just imagine Affeldt running his hand along the rack….”So how could you possibly cut yourself on one of these… Oh sh*t.”..)

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Who are you going to believe, me or your lying ears?

March 3, 2013

Mitt Romney on his 47% statement, it was “unfortunate” and “what I said is not what I believe.” Guess the running mate Mitt should have chosen was Newt Gingrich – who himself said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood.”

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According to Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong Un doesn’t want war with the U.S, but he would like President Obama to pick up the phone to chat about, for starters, basketball. So where’s the SNL skit on this? To the tune of “Call me, maybe.”

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There’s a children’s book out called “A President from Hawaii.” Wonder how many folks look at it and say “See, proof, he isn’t from the United States.”

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No one has come up with a good catch phrase to describe this sequester. Shame “March Madness” is already taken.

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Two World Series titles in three years and I’ve yet to see a national writer or publication pick the SF Giants to win the west in 2013. Even Rodney Dangerfield thinks this team can’t get any respect.

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UCLA Freshman Shabazz Muhammad, who will declare for the NBA draft, played his last game at Pauley Pavilion today, saying “I’m really happy I came here and represented UCLA because it’s a great school and I just gained a lot of experience.” Give the guy credit, at least he didn’t pretend it was about the whole semester he got of education.

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No injuries were reported when a United Airlines flight from Vancouver had to make an emergency landing today at San Francisco International Airport. Wonder how long it will take United to bill the passengers with an “excitement surcharge.”

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The San Antonio Spurs’ star Tony Parker should be back for the playoffs, but will be sitting four weeks with a ankle sprain. Out of habit David Stern fined Gregg Popovich.

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Confused about this new “Catholic 7?” Guess it’s supposed to be a new NCAA basketball division. Sounds more like the semi-finalists in a reality show about electing the Pope.

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Really? From Politico: “Sec. of State John Kerry is calling on bickering Egyptian leaders and opposition politicians to forge a political consensus that will allow the country to emerge from economic crisis.” Does this even need a punchline?

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  The Milwaukee  Brewers’  Italian Sausage costume has been returned.  Just in time, the police were thinking of going after Joey Chestnut.”

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Spring break?

March 1, 2013

Steve Nash says he does not regret deciding to join the Los Angeles Lakers. Makes sense, at his age, Nash likes the idea having playoff season off.

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In the Honda Classic tournament Thursday Tiger Woods walked into the water on the 6th hole to play a partially submerged ball and save par. Of course, long-time golf fans remember the days Tiger used to walk on water to make birdies.

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Dennis Rodman has been publicly and happily hanging out in Pyongyang with Kim Jong Un. Well, this ought to dispel North Koreans’ image of Americans as a strange and perverted people.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: A California woman says she was fired for being pregnant by her fiance (who is now her husband.) Because pre-marital sex was in violation of the San Diego Christian College “Handbook and Community Covenant.” The part you can’t make up, the school then the man they knew to be her fiance a job.

(of course, if they really believed the fiance to be innocent of premarital sex maybe they should have not only reinstated the woman but made joyful planes for a Second Coming.)

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The subcompact Toyota Yaris has a speedometer that goes up to 140 mph, although apparently the car can’t top 109. On the other hand, many scales designed for American adults still have all the numbers below 100.

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So I’m low-tech, but have to think most of America is wondering –  is there an app that would allow you to watch American Idol and automatically block not only commercials, but also block  Nicki Minaj?

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Asked about his position on a bill in Wisconsin requiring ultrasounds before abortions, GOP Rep. Sean Duffy responded “I don’t know what a trans-vaginal ultrasound is. I’ve never had one.” And women are thinking, “Hmm, how can we demonstrate the concept to him?”

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All this controversy over NFL prospects being asked about their sexual orientation…. Maybe some teams are hoping for gay players… would cut down on the out-of-wedlock children.

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Pope Benedict’s farewell tour has everything but a bobblehead.

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Lindsay Lohan is heading for another trial, this time over last year’s car crash, after reportedly rejecting rehab plea bargain that would have kept her out of jail. Makes sense, not like a trial has ever really put her in jail either.

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Baltimore’s Terrell Suggs said he “guarantees the other 31 [NFL] teams hate the New England Patriots.” Is Suggs working on having 31 teams hate the Ravens too?

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from TC  – “Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo, who has been a supporter of gay rights, said that the NFL will have its first openly gay player by 2014. Vegas has already made any Tight End player a 1-5 favorite. Second choice at 1-1 is anyone named Rock or Elton.”

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Look in the mirror?

February 22, 2013

Okay, for any woman who didn’t like the way her hair or her clothes looked today, cheer up, it could have been much worse.   Kim Kardashian’s newest maternity style:

 

kim

 

Rush Limbaugh said today “I am ashamed of my country.” And most of our country responded – “Funny, that’s the same way we feel about you.”

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Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z have announced a summer tour that includes a stop at Yankee Stadium July 19. And unlike A-Rod, both promise to deliver some serious hits.

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Johan Santana’s first Spring Training start has been pushed back two weeks, although  NY Mets GM Sandy Alderson says the pitcher isn’t injured. Guess Santana needs time to head to Brooklyn to look at that bridge he’s going to buy?

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Outgoing transportation secretary Ray LaHood says that triggered budget cuts may result in 90 minute flight delays. If so, wait for the airlines to add an “boarding area overtime usage fee.”

 

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New York Knicks GM Glen Grunwald thinks the team can win the NBA championship this year. Even Cubs fans are thinking “this man is delusional.”

 

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Six young adults have been stabbed, none with life threatening injuries, in a brawl on the street outside a downtown Los Angeles nightclub. Gosh, if they had only had guns to protect themselves.

 

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If automatic spending cuts go into effect March 1, one group that won’t see their $174,000 salaries cut is Congress. Because the 27th Amendment prohibits members from changing their pay until after the next election. Uh, how hard would it be to write a check to the U.S. Treasury?

 

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More on Oscar Pistorius, coach Ampie Loew says he would like to see the Olympics star back in training as early as Monday “as a means to shifting his mind onto more positive things than the bloody events of Valentine’s Day morning and the fatal shooting of Steenkamp.”   Wow. Get out the violins for the poor guy…..

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From my funny friend Jim Barach, “A report says that 38% of restaurants mistakenly label the type of fish they serve. For instance, there are several dishes at Red Lobster that are labeled as “fish”.

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The Golden State Warriors center Andrew Bogut is out “indefinitely.” So congrats to all those who had February 22 in the latest pool.

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Can’t decide what’s more amazing… that the NBA San Antonio Spurs are so consistently good, or that they manage to do it with so little drama.

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The show’s the thing.

February 18, 2013

Downton Abbey Season 3 Finale was Sunday night, along with the NBA All-Star Game. One is about rich, pampered and privileged people who live in a fantasy world; the other is a BBC series.

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At this point the situation in DC is such that if President Obama came out with a resolution praising motherhood and apple pie, the GOP would accuse him of being anti-fathers and disrespectful of other fruits.

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Just in time for Lincoln’s birthday, the state of Mississippi on Feb 7, 2013, finally officially ratified the 13th amendment abolishing slavery. Who says the South is backwards?

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Sorry to hear of the death of longtime Lakers owner, Jerry Buss. On the bright side, he doesn’t have to watch any more of this season.

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Congrats to Danica Patrick, who won the pole for the Daytona 500. Let the pole-dancing jokes begin.

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Just a nasty story about that 60 year old man who is accused of using a racial slur and slapping a crying 2 year old on a flight earlier this month. What kind of scumbag slaps a young child on a plane? Now, slapping a few parents, I can see the temptation….

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Really?! Lots of people talk too loud on their cellphone, but woman in an airport lounge is reading her credit card number, expiration date and security code loud enough to hear it across the room. Economic Darwinism in action?

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Although Facebook earned more $1.1 billion in 2012, a tax break for executive stock options meant that the company not only paid no federal/state taxes, they will actually get tax refunds of $429 million. And some will still say businesses can’t afford to operate in California….

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Maker’s Mark says that customer feedback has caused the company to reverse their decision to cut their whiskey from 90 to 84 proof due to a “supply shortage.” Well, guess this answers that question – “What happened to the guy who came up with the idea for New Coke?”

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Tampa Bay DE Da’Quan Bowers was arrested today at La Guardia airport after police found a loaded handgun in his carry-on bag. Jeez, what was he thinking? Trying to get traded to the Bengals?.

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Spring training games haven’t even started and the season’s first error? Josh Hamilton told a Dallas tv station last weekend that the DFW area is “not a true baseball town.” (April 22, mark your calendar, when the Angels play the Rangers in Arlington.)

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CBS pulled their new reality series “The Job” after two episodes. In fact the ratings were so bad they’re considering picking up the show at NBC.

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Mission accomplished.

December 27, 2012

Another year, another superhuman effort by Santa Claus to deliver millions of toys overnight without a break. Wonder how long until he and the reindeer get investigated for Adderall?

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Netflix’s video streaming service crashed Christmas Even.. Oh, the horror!. Thousands and thousands of Americans were actually forced to talk to their relatives.

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Ben Affleck has announced that he won’t seek John Kerry’s Senate seat. Bipartisan bummer for women. If Affleck ran against Scott Brown it might the best looking Senate race in history.

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Syracuse suspended two players from their upcoming New Era Pinstripe Bowl game. Shocking! Syracuse is playing in a bowl game?

 

Mark Zuckerberg’s sister Randi  was upset when a casual family photo she posted on Facebook ended up reposted on Twitter,  saying the person who did it she was “way uncool,” and saying to “always ask permission before posting a friend’s photo publicly. It’s not about privacy settings, it’s about human decency.”  “Gosh, those FB settings are confusing, and I’m really sorry that happened to your family” said absolutely nobody.

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A picture of President Obama hugging Michelle on election night has become the most re-tweeted photo ever. A surprised Bill Clinton asked “You can hug your own wife?”

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A 30 foot whale was found Wednesday morning on a New York beach. It would of course be inappropriate to make a Chris Christie joke here.

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Alas for Pacers fans, bad weather forced the cancellation of tonight’s game in Indianapolis. Alas for Wizards fans the weather in Washington was fine.

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Anyone but me thinking it was a lot easier and more fun to root against the Los Angeles Lakers before Steve Nash came back?

 

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Wednesday was the first day of the after-Christmas sales. You know what that means – only about a week until the first Valentine’s Day sales.

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Okay, who’d a thunk this? A hot NBA upcoming ticket is the Warriors vs. Clippers.

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Starbucks employees will be writing “come together” on customers’ cups Dec 27-28 as a message for Congress to avoid the fiscal cliff.. Leaving aside the fact that more colorful language might be more appropriate, maybe we should just threaten to cut off their coffee until they come up with a deal.

 

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Insta-mess.

December 19, 2012

One way not to be stressed about this new Instagram policy – have absolutely no idea how to use Instagram.

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Somewhere, the Apple maps developer is giggling.

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49ers tight end Vernon Davis says that chemistry is “something that me and Kap (Colin Kaepernick) don’t have right now, but we’re working on it.” And he indicated the new SF QB is “kind of scared of my speed a little bit.” Who does Davis think he is? Terrell Owens?

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Someone called in an undisclosed threat in Newtown, CT, forcing district officials to keep an elementary school closed today. If police catch this guy can they sentence him to spent a week locked in a cage in the local cemetery near some of the children’s tombstones?

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Suri Cruise is apparently getting a $24,000 Grand Victorian Playhouse, complete with running water and electricity, for Christmas along with a $10,000 children’s toy Mercedes. Wonder how much Tom and Katie are setting aside for future counseling?

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The Jets are out, the Giants are now in a very tenuous position. Who’d a thunk the only football team in the New York-New Jersey area that ends up in the postseason might be Rutgers?

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How the mighty have fallen. ESPN all excited about a 101-100 home comeback win by the Los Angeles Lakers – against the Charlotte Bobcats?

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From Marc Ragovin:   Commenting on the Lakers poor record this year, Kobe Bryant recently said “At this point I wish we had the Washington Generals on our schedule.” “Right back at ya,” said the coach of the  Generals.

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The Atlanta Hawks needed overtime to top the Washington Wizards 100-95. Overtime to beat the Wizards? Shouldn’t that count in the standings for at best half a win?

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So on Saturday which retailer will start the first “After the end of the world sale?

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A Utah State football player was arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery and trespassing after his team’s bowl win last Saturday. So who says the “Famous Idaho Potato Bowl” hasn’t made the big time?

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NY Jets Rex Ryan is apparently frustrated enough with Mark Sanchez that he is thinking of starting Greg McElroy next week against San Diego. Gosh, if only the team had access to a QB with a history of winning.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  “Times Square hookers offering a Holiday Mark Sanchez special; for an extra $50, they’ll really really suck.”

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In the wake of Sandy Hook, some gun advocates now want to arm teachers. Right, let’s put guns in the hands of them all…including those without enough common sense to know it’s not a good idea to sleep with their students…

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