Posted tagged ‘Janice Hough’
September 22, 2012
Iowa lost today to Central Michigan in football? Once again, proof you can choke on a cupcake.
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Melky Cabrera disqualified himself from the 2012 batting title, because he didn’t want to win a tainted award. Now, I think he did the right thing here, but did Melky want to win the title? Absolutely. He just didn’t want anyone to know it was tainted.
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So Alex Smith nearly gets fined for wearing an Giants cap, Giants manager Bruce Bochy wears a 49ers cap Nice mutual support from SF professional sports teams. Does this mean LA Dodgers manager Don Mattingly next will be sporting a USC cap?
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Love this headline about Pawlenty’s resignation: “Tim Pawlenty Quits Romney Campaign for ‘Sexy’ New Lobbying Job” This may be the only time “Pawlenty” and “Sexy” have been used in the same sentence.
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As the lockout continues the NHL has now cancelled the preseason. Surprising many Americans who didn’t realize the NHL HAD a preseason.
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The White House issued a report saying that customer service has improved at US Customs. Either that or customs is just looking really good by comparison to TSA.
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Fortunately no one was injured after an electrical fire on Ann Romney’s campaign plane filled the cabin with smoke. But it was scary. Next flight some Secret Service folks have offered to ride with the dog on the roof.
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President Obama, a long-time Chicago fan, said today he is ‘‘looking forward to a White Sox-Nationals World Series.’’ Romney will respond as soon as his staff reminds him what teams his friends own.
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From my funny (and frustrated) New York friend Marc Ragovin: “The Franklin Mint has just announced they are issuing rare gold coins commemorating each of the Mets four post-all star game home wins.”
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According to the Gainesville (FL) Sun, Herman Cain said today he would have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he had been chosen as the Republican nominee instead of Mitt Romney. I believe the correct response is in German “Nein, nein, nein.”
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Wow. SF Giants’ Pablo Sandoval has hit four home runs in three days, after no home runs since July. Is it time to check for Panda Enhancing Drugs?
Florida senator Marco Rubio has been tweeting his displeasure with commercial airline flight delays. “Sounds really annoying,” responded Mitt Romney. “What’s a commercial airline flight?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 20, 2012
You’re already too late to get in line for the new iPhone 5. Although the iPhone 4S is not even a year old. Wonder how many people who stayed up all night kept hearing Siri say “You idiot, go home to sleep”
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A spat between two female flight attendants on an American Eagle flight at JFK got so heated the pilots decided to return to the gate for a new crew. For future, wonder if the airline is considering rescheduling the women, adding onboard mud and charging for inflight entertainment.
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Ann Romney today fired back at the media and critics of her husband: “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.” Nothing personal against Ann, but what does she think being in the White House would be like?
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So have to wonder, if Matt Kemp had been suspended last month, would the Dodgers be leading the NL West?
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Bruce Springsteen has purchased an Olympic gold medal winning horse for this daughter. Does this mean “the Boss” is thinking of running for office?
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The first college football playoff hasn’t even started and commissioners are considering adding another game to be part of the semifinal rotation. Translation, the SEC wants more guaranteed games.
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This bus to hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach. “A California man is being accused of murdering his wife by slow cooking her. His attorney says the charges are a crock.”
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Wal-mart says they are phasing out the sale of Kindles. Guess it’s hard when your target customers don’t read.
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New Arkansas coach John L. Smith has filed for bankruptcy, declaring $25.7 million in debt. $25.7 million?!! So after coaching is Smith considering a run for Congress?
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Mitt Romney attacked President Obama’s saying he has learned “you can’t change Washington from inside, only from the outside.” Saying HE will fix it from the inside. Of course someone in 2007 said, “I don’t think you change Washington from the inside. I think you change it from the outside.” Yep. Romney, campaigning against John McCain.
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Florida Atlantic DE Carl Pelini says of their games this week with Alabama, that the Tide “ain’t what people think,” and “can be beat.” Sounds like what some of the cockier Christians said about the Lions.
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To show his support for Alex Smith, SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy has now been photographed wearing a SF 49ers cap. Out of habit, the NFL tried to fine him too.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, iPhone jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 19, 2012
Leaving politics aside, is this ESPN headline a sign of the apocalypse? “Nationals inch closer to clinching postseason spot.”
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Mitt Romney says that “Letterman hates me because I’ve been on Leno more than him. Letterman’s response “I don’t hate Mitt.” Well of course, how can you hate someone who gives you so much material?
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The Cincinnati Reds magic number is down to three. Of course for many Ohioans, the real magic number is 47. The number of days until they don’t have to see election ads on television 24/7.
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PED’s, brain injuries, arrests…. good to know that the NFL is on top of the important things – like fining the 49ers’ Alex Smith $15,000 for wearing an SF Giants cap to a post-game news conference. (Really. Although they later did change the fine to a warning.)
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Meanwhile this from comedy writer friend Torben Rolfsen, after Falcons RB Michael Turner was charged with DUI just hours after Monday night’s win: “He must have been really out of it, because he asked if a replacement official could administer the sobriety test.”
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The Big East, with teams ranging from Rutgers to San Diego State, is considering adding a 14th team. Wonder if Hawaii is available?
(my friend Tony L. suggests “Singapore. Then they can be the “Big Far East.”)
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Todd Akin’s campaign site today urged his female supporters to sign a pledge saying “I’m a women, and I support Todd.” (I guess spelling is another of those wacky liberal concepts.)
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Bumpersticker idea for the day: “One of the 53%. And still voting for Obama.”
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Chick-Fil-A has announced they will stop giving money to anti-gay groups. This either means the chain has decided to embrace tolerance, or their recent sales are down.
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Lindsay Lohan has been charged with leaving the scene of an accident after allegedly hitting a pedestrian at 1230a in Manhattan last night. It’s all part of America’s celebrity “50 strikes and you’re out” program.
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Interesting, while Mitt’s trying to demonize the 47%, a Seattle Times article talks about the biggest employer in town (no, not Microsoft) – Boeing. In 2011, for the fourth straight year, the company had no net income-tax, despite $5.1 billion in profits.
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Paul Ryan’s said Mitt Romney’s comments on the 47% were “obviously inarticulate.” How come, and this is a bipartisan question, politicians always say their own stupid comments were just badly phrased but their opponents’ mistakes reveal their true feelings?.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 47 percent jokes, Janice Hough, Nationals jokes, replacement referee jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
September 18, 2012
Friends of Amanda Bynes are reportedly worried about her, one told TMZ he saw her on several occasions having long conversations with inanimate objects. But maybe Amanda’s fine, she’s just auditioning for a part in the next Clint Eastwood movie?
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The author of “50 Shades of Gray,” E.L. James, who has 15 and 17 year old boys, says the books are her “fantasies writ large.” And you think your mother was embarrassing when you were a teenager…
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USC coach Lane Kiffin said that Matt Barkley made two “really poor decisions” in the Stanford game, but also that the offensive line “did have the most missed assignments we ever had anywhere we’ve been.” Way to have your team’s back, Lane.
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President Obama will appear on the Kansas ballot after a state board ended its birth certificate probe. Not because of evidence, but because the “birther” dropped his suit, saying he had been threatened. Kind of makes you see why the state doesn’t teach evolution.
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Blue Jays shortstop Yunel Escobar apparently wore eye black during a game against the Red Sox with a gay slur spelled out on it. MLB is looking into the incident . If Escobar doesn’t get fined for the slur, he should be fined for being stupid enough to put it in writing.
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Classes were evacuated at LSU due to a bomb threat. Fortunately, that didn’t affect any of the football players.
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A librarian claims she lost 76 pounds in two years by only eating at Starbucks. Makes sense, how many calories could she afford?
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Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine, regarding his “weakest roster in the history of baseball” comment, now says “that wasn’t meant to be a criticism of any players or anything in the organization.” I think I like “was pushed into a lifeboat” better.
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What is it about men from Massachusetts running campaigns for President (who aren’t named Kennedy)? – Mitt Romney at a private fundraiser: “There are 47 % who will vote for the president no matter what, who are dependent on govt no matter what, that they are victims, who believe that govt. has the responsibility to care for them. Who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing….”
(way to go after that Florida senior vote.)
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More about comment on the 47% percent of Americans who pay no federal income tax – “I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” Wonder how many in that category are rich folks with REALLY good accountants and offshore accounts?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bobby Valentine jokes, Clint Eastwood jokes, Janice Hough, Lane Kiffin jokes, LSU jokes, Romney leak jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 15, 2012
Bobby Valentine, on the Red Sox – “This is the weakest roster we’ve ever had in September in the history of baseball.” Yeah, he’s got his team’s back – with a sharp knife in it.
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Kentucky has a new $7 million dorm for men’s basketball, with all singles and a private chef, along with flat screen televisions, pool tables and leather recliners. It’s almost enough to make the players wish they were staying more than a year.
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Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein said today that rebuilding the team “won’t happen overnight” and that 2013 may also be tough. Undaunted, die-hard Cubs fans immediately put on t-shirts saying “Wait until the year after next year.”
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Mitt Romney on pop culture: “I’m kind of a Snooki fan. Look how tiny she’s gotten. She’s lost weight.” Uh, Mitt does know Snooki’s no longer pregnant?
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Reading the media coverage, I am confused. So is there some football game before Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz meet up again on Sunday?
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Move over Arizona and Florida, we’ve got a new challenger for the crazy crown. In Kansas, the State Objections Board – composed of 3 GOP elected officials –has postponed until Monday a decision on removing President Obama from the state ballot over objections about his birth certificate.
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ESPN’s Andrew Stark says Buster Posey is now the favorite for the NL MVP. Shocking. ESPN knows anyone plays baseball well on the West Coast?!
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All this hubbub over the topless pictures of Kate. It could have been worse – the paper could have published pictures of Camilla.
David Price got his 18th win of 2012, improving to 7-3 against the Yankees. Unfazed, New York management feels confident that in a new years they will have Price’s free agency contract ready.
Mitt Romney, about his October 3 upcoming first debate with President Obama: “I think the challenge that I’ll have in the debate is that the president tends to, how shall I say it, to say things that aren’t true.”
As opposed to what Mitt himself says, which is true until he says something later.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, Obama birth certificate jokes, Red Sox jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 13, 2012
Wow. Jay Cutler’s performance tonight was enough to get Bears fans on their feet screaming for Rex Grossman.
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Not to say Chicago looked bad tonight, but Cubs fans sent sympathy notes.
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For the first time ever, visitors to Disney World’s Magic Kingdom will be able to have a beer or glass of wine with dinner at the new “Be Our Guest” restaurant opening in November. For a lot of tired parents, this really will make it Fantasyland.
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With today’s win, #81, the Orioles have guaranteed they will finish no lower than .500 for first time since 1997. The New York Yankees send their congratulations and suggest to keep the team healthy that Baltimore just shut everyone down for the rest of the season.
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The Wall Street Journal said that the new Nike Lebron Signature she would retail for $315. But they were wrong, it will only be $270. Well, heck, guess that means Nike thinks the average American can buy two pairs?
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Orioles beat Rays 3-2 in 14 innings. The game lasted almost 5 1/2 hours. Wow! That’s almost as long as an average Yankees-Red Sox game.
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Moving the Houston Astros to the AL was supposed to result in more reasonable travel schedules. So let’s see, the SF Giants’ longest 2013 roadtrips? LA-Colorado-Cincinnati, and LA-NY Mets and NY Yankees? Anyone in MLB offices look at a map?
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San Francisco Intl Airport (SFO) will close a main runway between 1000p Friday and 800a Monday for three weekends in September. Which will cause at least half the flights to be delayed, and the other half to be blamed on the closure.
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SI.com headline: “Reigning MLS MVP likely to miss rest of season.” “Bummer”, said most U.S. sports fans “Who is he, anyway?”
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Apparently potential Romney V.P. candidates had to give Mitt’s campaign 10 years of tax returns.
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The N.Y. Board of Health voted today to ban large sugary sodas in the city. Many read the news on the electronic ticker tape over the Times Square Hershey’s store.
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Dueling fundraising drives: Obama campaign offers donors a chance to spend an evening with Beyonce and Jay Z. Romney campaign counters with a chance to join “Mitt on board the campaign plane for an exciting day on the campaign trail — at 30,000 feet!
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Apparently a seagull swooped down and stole a camera right out of the hands of a tourist on a San Francisco beach. Hmm, wonder if the bird can be trained to go for cellphones in outdoor restaurants?
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A new report from the Global Commission on Elections, Democracy and Security, headed by Kofi Annan, says that US campaign rules, with “uncontrolled, undisclosed, illegal and opague” finance, have shaken public confidence in politics. How long until our elections get UN observers?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bears joke, Janice Hough, Jay Cutler jokes, New York jokes, Orioles jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 12, 2012
Bristol Palin’s baby daddy and his current girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, 20, have had a baby girl. Her name, no joke, “Breeze Beretta Johnston.” See, there are worse fates than to be born to Snooki.
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At a press conference today, Apple unveiled their iPhone 5, with “a taller Retina display, faster LTE speeds, and a newer smaller connector.” And millions of baby boomers said “I have no idea what any of that means.”
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Oops, the pretty picture of warships below U.S fighter jets the last night of the Democratic convention turned out to feature Russian ships, and the DNC has apologized. Stupid mistake. But it wasn’t caught by any politicians who are veterans. Of either party.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg. “In New Hampshire they renamed a pond called Jew Pond. Now it is called ‘Should It Kill You to Call Your Mother?’ Pond.”
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It’s a long nearly eight weeks to the election. But good news for folks on both sides – Jason Sudeikis, who does a great job with Romney and Biden, is returning to SNL.
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Notre Dame announced they will leave the Big East and join the ACC for all sports except football. Anyone else wish these universities would spend as much time worrying about tuition costs and academics as they do about what conferences they play in?
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A cat crawled unseen into a family’s suitcase and actually made it alive, as checked luggage, from Columbus, OH to Orlando FL. Wonder if the airline is trying how to retro-actively charge a pet fee?
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Another liberal voice weighing in on Libya? “I don’t feel that Mr. Romney has been doing himself any favors in the past few hours. Sometimes when really bad things happen, when hot things happen, cool words or no words is the way to go.”- Columnist Peggy Noonan.
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Budweiser is donating $5,000 for every SF Giants walk off win this year. Although recently they should be donating $5,000 for every time Jeffrey Affeldt comes in in relief – they sell more beer.
Mitt Romney, saying he really isn’t anti-taxing the rich ” I can tell that you people at the high end, high income taxpayers, are going to have fewer deductions and exemptions. Those numbers are going to come down, otherwise they’d get a tax break. And I want to make sure people understand, I am not reducing taxes on high-income taxpayers.”
Leaving aside the Biden-esque length of the awkward sentence, wonder if one of the exemptions Mitt wants to reduce would be offshore accounts?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: election jokes, iPhone jokes, Janice Hough, Levi johnson baby jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 11, 2012
Congrats to Andy Murray for his U.S. Open win. Might be the closest thing we get to a top American male tennis player for a while. (Hey, at least he speaks more or less the same language.)
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AP headline: “Foul smell reported across Southern California.” Insert Los Angeles Dodgers joke below:
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From my Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein: “The Dodgers always play their best baseball when they aren’t even scheduled to play. Had day off, but picked up a half game on the Giants, Cardinals, and Braves, plus widened lead on the Pirates. They should just take the rest of the season off.”
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Asked about the upcoming Missouri Senate race, Todd Akin said “I’m totally in.” But is he LEGITIMATELY in?
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A TMZ report says that Kanye West so liked Kim Kardashian’s sex tape that he “has used it in the bedroom to get him in the mood with girls… and it always worked.” And some people think that gay relationships are ruining society.
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You get the sense Fox is just not that fond of the Left Coast. The headline on their video of Sunday’s record tying field goal – “Watch David Akers’ 63-yard FG against the 49ers.
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After all the talk about the national party platforms, how about this line from the Texas GOP platform? “We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs.” Maybe Rick Perry was right about secession.
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At New York’s September 11 memorial ceremony, only families of the victims will be allowed to speak, and all elected officials will be silent. Wonder who has the job of muzzling Rudy Guiliani?
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If anyone doesn’t mind a few profanities, okay a LOT of profanities, it might be worth a few minutes to read Vikings’ punter Chris Kluwe’s full response to that idiot Maryland legislator who was upset about a Ravens player defending gay marriage.
For a small sample, the line of the piece just might be that “I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.”
(this being America, wonder who has the “lustful cockmonster” t-shirt franchise?)
http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-magically-turn-you-into-a-lustful-cockmonster-chris-kluwe-explains-gay-marriage-to-the-politician-who-is-offended-by-an-nfl-player-supporting-it?tag=chris-kluwe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Los Angeles jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 8, 2012
Oregon State beats #13 Wisconsin 10-7. Is it too late to take back that bump in the polls Alabama got for crushing Michigan?
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Scary thought of the day: Barry Goldwater would be too liberal for today’s Republican party.
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Although the league now has teams in four different time zones, the Big East will keep its name due to “brand equity.” Makes at least as much sense as politicians on their second and third wives defending marriage.
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The Nationals shut down Stephen Strasburg a start early, with Davey Johnson saying “I feel it’s as hard for him as it would be anybody to get mentally, totally committed in the ballgame.” Uh, by that standard, shouldn’t we also shut down the Red Sox?
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Good news for anyone tired of this Presidential election. It’s less than two months until November 7. When the 2016 campaign starts.
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Vladimir Putin, in a recent interview touching on the “Pussy Riot” situation, commented that “Some fans of group sex say that it’s better than one-on-one because, as with any collective work, you can skive off.” In related news, Bill Clinton just asked President Obama about being named ambassador to Russia.
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Tim Tebow is dismissing Santonio Holmes’ comment about Mark Sanchez being “rattled” by the Jets trade for Tebow. Right. Like Hillary wouldn’t mind hearing now that Bill wanted to hire more interns.
On Friday, Mitt Romney was already criticizing President Obama’s speech, though he admits not watching it. Can’t imagine how some people think Mitt acts like an expert on things he knows nothing about.
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Really? A Maryland legislator and pastor, Emmett C. Burns Jr, is attacking Ravens LB Brendon Ayanbadejo for supporting gay marriage – “appalled and aghast that a member of the Ravens Football Team would step into this controversial divide and try to sway public opinion.” Uh, where were his complaints on Tim Tebow?
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Baltimore and New York are now tied for first place in the AL East. Undaunted, the Yankees are reportedly making plans to buy the Orioles.
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Five players from DeMatha Catholic High School in Hyattsville, Md have apparently been dismissed for hiring prostitutes during a recent road trip. What, no teachers were available?
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Mitt Romney’s campaign announced they have purchased $4.5 million in new television advertising in swing states. By the time this election is over, swing state viewers will look forward longingly to used car and Viagra ads again.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 3 Comments
September 6, 2012
Overlooked Bill Clinton comment on Barack Obama’s bipartisan talents: “He appointed Cabinet members who supported Hillary in the primaries — heck, he even appointed Hillary.”
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A thought about our 24/7 modern electronic era. Wonder if Bill Clinton would have ever been elected if he had the ability to send pictures and text from a phone?
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Who’d have thought a generation ago that the Democratic party would turn out to have the best Bubba?
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Bill Clinton is hardly a poster child for being a good husband. But all sarcasm aside, after speeches like tonight’s, it’s not hard to see why Hillary has stuck with him all these years. A deeply flawed but fascinating man.
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Amazing to watch how much Paul Ryan and others in the GOP now profess to admire Bill Clinton. This warm fuzzy talk will last exactly until November 7, when they start running against Hillary for 2016.
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There were rumors that the Red Sox had fired Bobby Valentine today. So far those rumors are false. And frustrated Red Sox fans are thinking – “Good, if we have to put up with this mess through the end of the year, so do you.”
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The way the Orioles and A’s are streaking, the New York Yankees could actually miss the playoffs. Quick, how fast can Bud Selig add a third wildcard?
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All this commotion starting with Paul Ryan being upset about the fact that the word “God” originally didn’t appear in the Democratic Party platform. … But hey, another document that doesn’t use the world God? The U.S. Constitution.
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From Mark Ricklis: “Maybe Ly’in Ryan ran the Marathon so fast because he was on that High Fibber diet”
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Ann Romney said today that they haven’t led a “charmed life”, and that with MS “I know what it is like to have no hope.” I’m glad Ann’s disease is in remission. But how can her husband, with the best family healthcare money can buy, now want to deny the basics to the average American?
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San Franciscans who are also baseball fans would like to take a break from politics to extend a hearty thank you to San Diego and the Padres.
(who for non-baseball fan readers, have won two in a row from the Los Angeles Dodgers.)
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bill Clinton jokes, convention jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 2 Comments
September 3, 2012
If the Paul Ryan marathon lie turns out to make a difference in the election it may be the first major political story broken by “Runner’s World.”
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The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce has denied Kim Kardiashian’s request for a star., saying receipients need “to have a career in the business of acting for five years or more.” And Kim is a bit deficient in both the career and the acting department.
Quote of the week? “He and his wife have been wealthy for a number of years, and so I think that’s really the issue. What does he understand about the common man right now?” Michele Bachmann, talking about President Obama.. (Yes, she said it.)
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Bobby Jindal and President Obama apparently had a perfectly civil visit today touring La Place, LA. Maybe that’s a reason Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as a running mate….he’s not a governor of a state that might need federal help from a natural disaster.
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Governor Jindal does hope to get an immediate commitment of federal funds from President Obama, so he can go back to railing about wasteful government spending as soon as possible.
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Mitt Romney’s Monday tweet. “Labor Day is a chance to celebrate the strong American work ethic, but too many Americans are worrying when their next paycheck will come.” No mention of labor unions? I’m shocked, shocked.
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From Gary M. ” Nittany Lions fans no longer shout, “We are, Penn State!” Now they’re shouting, “We are, State Penn!”
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Open note to Washington Nationals from SF Giants fans: Stephen Strasburg is scheduled for only two more starts, against the Cubs and Mets. Why not save the guy for a tougher opponent….for example a week later against the Dodgers?
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One reason the NCAA has been against a real football playoff system is that it would interfere with classes. Right, as opposed to things like Monday night college football?
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Britain’s Prince Andrew, 52, rappelled 239 metres down the side of London’s “The Shard,” this morning to raise money for charity. He went from the 87th to the 20th floor in 30 minutes. “Big deal,” said Paul Ryan, “I did it in 20.”
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, marathon jokes, Paul Ryan marathon, Ryan jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 2, 2012
A last thought for the week on the GOP convention. Clint Eastwood’s empty chair got more airtime than Ron Paul.
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Any truth to the rumor that Clint Eastwood was briefly detained on his return flight from Tampa for suspiciously talking to his airline seat?
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Unfortunate choice of words from a Penn State fullback about Saturday’s game: We “know the power football has to bring people together.”
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From Alex Kaseberg: “New Nike LeBron James shoes cost $300 and come with a built-in IQ test. If you paid $300 for these shoes, you failed.”
(got to wonder, does putting on the shoes give you a sudden desire to move to South Beach?)
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USC is being investigated again, this time for two athletes receiving gifts like cars and cars in 2009. Well, hey, with Barkley they may win the national championship and then who cares if the Trojans end up back on probation?
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Well, for all those folks who hated the LSU-Alabama game, I think it’s safe to say that we won’t have another Michigan-Alabama rematch in this year’s BCS championship.
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Mitt Romney said this weekend that Obama wants to cut a trillion dollars out of the military budget, but that he and Paul Ryan wouldn’t cut it at all. Guess it’s all part of Mitt’s secret plan to reduce the deficit?
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Mitt Romney making sports analogies about firing President Obama as a losing coach. Anyone but me want to hear someone – on camera – ask Romney who his favorite teams are?
Could be another ESPN special. “The Indecision.”
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Dwight Howard just took out an ad in the Orlando Sentinel saying “Words cannot express the love that I have for Orlando.” Most Magic fans could help him with a few words. A few of the printable ones are in “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”
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Reverend Sun Myung Moon, 92, died today. The two most common responses in the U.S. – “He was still alive?” And for the younger generation – “Who the heck was Reverend Moon?”
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Paul Ryan, who said last week he ran a “two hour and fifty-something” marathon, now admits his time for his one and only marathon was over 4 hours. Gosh, and who would have expected Ryan to stretch the truth?
(Wonder if people first got suspicious when Ryan claimed his running buddy was Chris Christie?)
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A 20 year old fan fell to his death from the upper level of the Georgia Dome, following a 25 year old’s death in Reliant Stadium from trying to slide down a 5th floor elevator escalator. Darwinists and lawyers must be very happy.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Eastwood jokes, GOP convention jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 3 Comments
August 29, 2012
In Rick Santorum’s speect at tonight’s GOP convention, he said that we should elect Mitt Romney as president in order to stop an “assault on marriage and family.” Well, heck, if that’s his priority, why isn’t Santorum also pushing for a constitutional amendment against divorce?
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Whatever the damages from Isaac end up being, the storm is almost certain to raise gas prices. And former V.P. Dick Cheney said “See, it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good.”
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Mitt Romney pollster Neil Newhouse “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers.” Well, yeah, fact checkers use liberal commie-pinko stuff like math and science.
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From Gary M. “Mitt would attempt to cultivate a personality but thinks it would be too taxing.”
After tonight’s SF Giants web-gem. A 5-5-6 foul pop up out recorded by Pablo Sandoval and Brandon Crawford, seems pretty clear that the Giants are now the official MLB team of professional beach volleyball.
http://sanfrancisco.giants.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?c_id=sf&content_id=24286889&topic_id=11493214
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How does Mitt Romney expect to work with Congress if he can’t even work with Ron Paul delegates?
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ESPN has announced a new MLB contract for the next eight years. Eight years?!! That’s got to be at least 500 Yankees-Red Sox games.
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Mark Teixeira may be heading to the DL. Hmm, wonder which high-priced replacements might be available. Of course now the Yankees and Dodgers are like two rich women fighting over the last new Louis Vuitton handbag.
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Chris Christie bashed California Governor Jerry Brown yesterday. He must be upset at all those folks fleeing the Golden State trying to sneak across the borders to New Jersey.
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Down in Tampa, Rev. Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition is still supporting Todd Akin, and says he “would prefer Akin over any competitor in a political race.” Which gives Sheldon something in common with many Democrats.
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If Hurricane Isaac causes less than expected damage to Louisiana how long will it take for Governor Bobby Jindal to stop asking for more federal government money and start complaining again about excess federal government spending?
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Darwin award winner of the month: A Kalispell man was killed by cars that ran him over on the freeway, while, according to his friends, he was out there in a ghillie suit (3D military camouflage) attempting to provoke a Bigfoot sighting – to make people think they had seen a Sasquatch.
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Watching the hourly Isaac updates. Must say, in California we have our earthquakes but at least we don’t have to stress out for a week in advance anticipating them.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP convention jokes, Hurricane Isaac jokes, Isaac jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 27, 2012
Got to love it – as the GOP bashes government spending in Tampa, Louisiana Gov. Jindal is complaining that President Obama’s “limited federal declaration” of emergency doesn’t provide for reimbursement of all expenses that the state is taking to prepare for the storm. And Bobby a “full” declaration, which would mean more federal money…..
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Hoping Isaac bypasses New Orleans, or only brings some moderately heavy wind and rain. But if there is any damage, especially while the GOP convention is going on, got to figure President Obama will get to the city faster than a Drew Brees pass gets to a Saints receiver.
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There is some good news for the GOP with Isaac. The storm has temporarily stopped work on rigs that produce 24% of the oil in the U.S. part of the Gulf of Mexico. Meaning higher gas prices they can blame on Obama.
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With Isaac resulting in the cancellation of the first day of the GOP convention, Donald Trump’s scheduled “surprise” role has disappeared. Maybe even God has had enough.
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Mitt Romney is polling 0 percent with African-American voters. And the last poll had a margin of error of 3.1%. So he might be the first candidate to poll a negative number.
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The Los Angeles Yankees, er, Dodgers lost 10-0 today in Josh Beckett’s debut. And around Boston, the hills are alive, with the sounds of giggles.
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Here we go again. Pennsylvania Senate candidate Tom Smith was asked about what he would do if a daughter or granddaughter were to become pregnant as a result of rape. Smith said that a family memberr went through “something similar” to rape: “Having a baby out of wedlock.”
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The archbishop-elect of San Francisco was arrested in the wee hours of Saturday morning for alleged DUI in San Diego. The Vatican is just relieved there wasn’t an altar boy in the car.
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The Red Sox-Dodgers blockbuster deal is complete. Where was David Stern when we needed him?
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The New York Mets, despite their so-far miserable second half, say that Terry Collins’ job is safe. Translation, we can’t think of anyone else who would take on this mess.
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Penn State has banned ‘Sweet Caroline’ from football games because of the ‘touching me, touching you’ lyrics. Uh oh, hope no one tells the Stanford band before they play Notre Dame….
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Amongst Louisiana’s preparation for Isaac is the cancellation of classes for two days at LSU. “Bummer,” football players allegedly responded. “What’s class?”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP convention jokes, Hurricane Isaac jokes, Janice Hough, Los Angeles Dodgers jokes, New York Yankees jokes, Tropical Isaac jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 25, 2012
Upon the death of Neil Armstrong, the U.K Guardian referred to the Apollo 11 moon landing as “the moment of greatness” that “defined the American century.” And looking forward? Well, Snooki is in labor.
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Armstrong’s death also reminds me of the quote attributed to Casey Stengel, about the truly awful 1962 New York Mets….that “man would walk on the moon before the Mets would win the pennant.
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The headlines say that Tom Cruise got off cheaply in only paying Katie Holmes 400,000 a month child support. Thinking Katie feels she got off cheap in only having to stay married to him five years.
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Joe Biden has cancelled his campaign visits to Florida due to the imminent arrival of Tropical Storm/Hurricane Isaac. Insert “more than enough blowing hot air”” joke here:
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An RV bearing the slogan “Who’s Your Daddy” is functioning as a mobile clinic doing DNA paternity tests in New York City. Wonder how long until they get a sponsorship deal with the NBA?
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At this point the extended NFL exhibition season has taken out more players than the Saints’ bounties.
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Roger Clemens, 50, tossed 3 1/3 scoreless innings for the Sugar Land Skeeters tonight, adding fuel to the rumors that he will pitch at some point this season for the Houston Astros. Although actually what Roger probably really wants is to pitch AGAINST the Astros.
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With their trade with the Red Sox, the Dodgers have added another $261 million in payroll. Any truth to the rumor that Los Angeles’s 2013 uniforms will feature pinstripes?
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The Boston Red Sox are thrilled to have gotten rid of Josh Beckett. Republicans trying to figure out the process to put Todd Akin on waivers.
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Betty White said in an interview with People that her favorite foods are “hot dogs and Red Vines and potato chips and French fries. Maybe there’s something about those preservatives.
From Marc Ragovin: Jennifer Garner recently referred to husband Ben Affleck as “walking testosterone.” In a related development, Affleck has announced that he is quitting acting to become the San Francisco Giants’ new left fielder. . . .
And an actual serious link below, though it might seem like a joke. An op-ed from Charlie Crist, the former Republican governor of Florida. Guess there’s not any chance he’ll be a surprise speaker at the GOP convention.
http://www.tampabay.com/opinion/columns/obama-is-right-leader-for-our-times/1247631
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, GOP convention jokes, Janice Hough, Neil Armstrong jokes, Red Sox jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 22, 2012
A NY tennis referee, 70, has been arrested and charged with beating her husband, 80, to death with a coffee mug. Starbucks immediately issued a statement. “Coffee mugs do not kill people. People kill people.”
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The Phillies gave out Hunter Pence bobbleheads Tuesday, even though Pence is now with the Giants. Well, as these things go, they’ll be better received than “Got Melk” shirts in S.F.
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More “stuff” you can’t make up: An anti-Obama session at the GOP convention will be titled “We Built This.” The session will be held at the Tampa Bay Times Forum arena, built in 1996 with 62% government money.
Derek Jeter laughed off suggestions that he is using PED’s at 38. Which probably means one of two things – either he’s clean. Or he’s sure he’s too smart to get caught.
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The SF Giants have “Star Wars Day” on September 3. Let’s hope that between now and then that the Force isn’t classified as a PED.
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Sarah Palin has finally semi-weighed in on Todd Akin, say she understands “that he doesn’t want to be perceived as a quitter, but you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them.” Well, no one has ever accused Palin of waiting too long to quit.
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One fan yelling “Let’s Go Dodgers” in the bottom of the 8th. Not saying where he wants them to go.
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The Mets have shut down Johan Santana for the rest of the season. Frustrated Mets fans shrugged, figuring the rest of the team shut down over a month ago.
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Bartolo Colon’s comment after his 50 game PED suspension: “I accept responsibility for my actions and I will serve my suspension as required by the Joint Drug Program.” Did Colon know his fake website wasn’t ready?
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That deafening silence you heard Wednesday morning in the SF Bay Area is coming from formerly smug A’s fans.
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The SF Giants have cancelled a September giveaway for Melky Cabrera jerseys. Understandable. But it would have been fun to see what creative uses fans could have found for them.
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Other than the Ryan Braun case, MLB supposedly doesn’t release the names of players who test positive if their appeals are successful. So were Colon and Cabrera the only players caught this month, or did others have better lawyers?
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Michael Baumgartner, a Senate candidate in the state of Washington, sent a reporter an email ending “Go F*** Yourself.” Leave the profanity out if it, putting that in writing makes him too stupid to be elected.
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Regarding those naked pictures of Prince Harry in a Las Vegas hotel room: I think we can all be happy that those publicized cell phone conversations between Charles and Camilla didn’t happen on a camera phone.
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According to a soon to be released study, 6% of Americans have used cellphones to send a nude or semi-nude photo. And 15% have received such a sext. That Brett Favre sure is busy.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bartolo Colon jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, PED jokes, steroids jokes
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August 22, 2012
Someone please take away this man’s shovel, he’s dug himself deep enough: Todd Akin, still defiant, says the uproar is about misspeaking “one word in one sentence on one day.” Uh, no, sir, “legitimate” was a bad word, but your whole statement was reprehensible.
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Todd Akin has a new ad running today saying “rape has many victims.” True. Including, when talking about it like an complete idiot, political campaigns.
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Contrary to popular opinion, GOP leaders have already forgiven Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” firestorm. In fact, today he received a personal invitation to go hunting with Dick Cheney.
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The only really happy person in the GOP this week? Maybe Kevin Yoder, that congressman who went skinny dipping in the Sea of Galillee. Akin did manage to knock his “full disclosure” right off the front page.
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Piers Morgan put an empty chair on his show last night after Todd Akin no-showed an interview. Most Republicans didn’t mind – the chair was far less embarrassing than Akin.
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Akins last-minute cancellation led Morgan to refer to him as “what we would call in Britain a gutless little twerp.” Thereby prompting millions of Americans to wish that Piers was moderating a Presidential debate.
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RNC Chair Reince Priebus said today: “This is the platform of the Republican Party; it’s not the platform of Mitt Romney.” Is that because Romney is more moderate, or because the GOP can’t figure out what Mitt’s platform is either?
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Diana Nyad’s latest attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida has ended. But her proud team said “Nobody in the world would even attempt this, but we did.” Uh, “nobody in the world?” Countless Cubans are thinking “Not exactly.”
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Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are officially single again. Impressive, their divorce proceedings were faster than a Kardashian marriage.
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Mitt Romney on reports that Obama had spent more campaign money than he raised in July. “”We’re a little wiser in our spending than the other side, apparently.” Uh, well with the Super PACS that’s like saying you’re keeping to a budget when you’re living off your parents’ money.
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Former MLB player Jeff Kent is appearing on the next Survivor. Wonder if one of the challenges will involve washing a truck?
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An interesting sidelight on this Melky Cabrera story: Supposedly, positive tests are not announced unless a player’s appeals fail and he is actually suspended. So are there other players who might have come up with say, better fake websites?
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In fact…. Ah Bud, always ahead of the curve: MLB commssioner Bud Selig has banned Melky Cabrera’s associate Juan Nunez from all clubhouses. As if players were lining up to have him design another easily caught fake website.
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Tuesday was the 53rd anniversary of the day Hawaii became a state. As my funny friend Abbe Nelson says “part of a fiendishly clever plot by Kenyan socialists to take over the US 50 years later.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: "legiitmate rape" jokes, Akin jokes, Janice Hough, Mely Cabrera jokes, Piers morgan jokes, Todd Akin jokes, Tom Cruise jokes
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August 19, 2012
Both Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow struggled at QB against in a pre-season game for the NY Jets against the NY Giants. “Bummer. But I’m available.” responded Brett Favre.
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Paul Ryan just blamed President Obama for a Wisconsin GM plant closure that happened BEFORE he took office. Can’t wait until Ryan heads south and blames Obama for the federal response to Katrina.
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IKEA is opening a new hotel chain. Kind of puts a whole new slant on making your own bed.
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Police say a man was shot in the head during a fight in a parking lot near the Arizona Cardinals’ stadium while the Cardinals played the Raiders. Looks alas like even during exhibition games some fans are in mid-season form.
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A United Airlines flight to Berlin returned to Newark, after a possible engine fire during takeoff. Hope the airline credits passengers with the extra frequent flyer miles.
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From Marc Ragovin: Hall of Famer Eddie Murray has agreed to pay $348,000 to settle insider trading chrages. Makes sense, since he is the all-time MLB leader in foul tips.
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The Little League World Series is fun. But anyone who says it’s just about innocence and the joy of the game, has never been through the politics of All-Star team selections. (As a player or parent.)
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Does anyone else with a twisted mind want to see Mitt Romney answer a question on what he thinks of Pussy Riot?
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A 28 year old Texas high-school teacher was convicted on 16 FELONY counts of “an inappropriate relationship between a student and teacher” after a cellphone video showed her having group sex with five 18-year-old students. Most men hearing this story were appalled – “Where were these teachers when I was in high school?”
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18 runs in two games – more than an average YEAR for the SF Giants at Petco Park. Maybe getting a star teammate suspended was what the team needed for a natural PED.
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Danica Patrick ran over a shoe that ended up on the track in Montreal, and before ESPN thought to bleep it out, radioed her crew about the resulting damage to the car – “My steering is [bleeped] up.”
ESPN apologized, but hey, a few more of those moments might really increase NASCAR ratings. Especially with the all important younger male demographic.
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Got to love USC #1 in the AP poll in their first year back from sanctions. Aided by a top RB transfer from Penn State.
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Okay men, laugh away. But I have fought the Ikea nightstand assembly manual, and won.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, IKEA jokes, Janice Hough, NY Jets jokes, Paul Ryan jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 17, 2012
UNC has admitted that an internal probe found that over 54 classes, which were compused of more of half athletes, were either ” aberrant” or “irregularly” taught from 2007-2011. Wonder if the Tarheels’ defense will be that they were hoping to apply for membership in the SEC.
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Dismissed LSU star Tryann Mathieu is now apparently in rehab. Well, if this football stuff doesn’t work out he has a potential real future in politics.
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This season, the NFL will require any fans who get ejected for bad behavior to take a 4-hour online course before they are allowed back into the stadiums again. 4 hours? Sounds like about as much time as many NFL players spent on their courses in college.
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Rudy Guiliani said that Joe Biden “has become a laugh line on late night television.” Interesting quote from a guy who is no longer relevant enough to be a “laugh line” on late night television.
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Here’s more of the quote from Rudy: ““But I think the vice president of the United States has become a laugh line on late night television. I mean, I’ve never seen a vice president that has made as many mistakes, said as many stupid things. … There’s a real fear if, God forbid, he ever had to be entrusted with the presidency, whether he really has the mental capacity to handle it. I mean, this guy just isn’t bright. He’s never been bright. He isn’t bright. People think, ‘Well, he just talks a little too much.’ Actually, he’s just not very smart.”
Amazing, might be the longest statement Rudy’s ever made without mentioning 9/11.
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Apparently customs in Los Angeles seized a $18 million (!!) shipment of fake Louboutins from China. Just figured I’d post something that most of my men friends are as clueless about as SOME women say they are about the sports posts.
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Donald Trump, asked about Obama’s popularity with women said “Maybe (they) don’t know him. Maybe they don’t get what is going on.” Uh, really? On the other hand most women DO know that the Donald is an egotistical a**hole.
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A giant sculpture known as “Touchdown Jesus” near Cincinnati that burned to the ground in 2010 is being replaced by a new “Hug Me, Jesus.”. The new figure has arms outstretched rather than raised high. Guess they figured touchdowns in Bengals country were unrealistic.
Laura Townsend said the old one looked like it was surrendering… so maybe it referred to the Bengals and local police?
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Mitt Romney says he paid “at least 13% in taxes” for the last 10 years. And why should Americans doubt anything a politician says?
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Jennifer Granholm, forbidden ffrom ever running for President due to her being born in Vancouver, with one of the more succinct statements on Mitt Romney and his taxes: “I hate to get all Jerry Maguire on him but show me the money!”
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From my friend Gary Bachman: Alex Rodriguez has listed his Miami home for $38 million. The home boasts nine bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, and 426 mirrors.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough, LSU jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 16, 2012
Or at least for the San Francisco Giants, no crying over spilled Melk.
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Well, on the brighter side at least the SF Giants hadn’t signed a multi-year deal with Melky Cabrera…
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A thought about the Melky Cabrera suspension. What’s more shocking, that he got caught, or that he admitted it: “My positive test was the result of my use of a substance I should not have used.” (What, no “tainted” supplement or “I got it from a friend?”)
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Giants fans are thinking, if a iconic SF Giants player had to test positive this year for PED’s and get suspended, what a shame that it wasn’t Tim Lincecum.
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A new book said Joe Paterno sobbed after being fired from PSU, saying “My name…I have spent my whole life trying to make that name mean something. And now it’s gone.” And all it might have taken to keep that good name was one phone call to the State College police.
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Pac 12 commissioner Larry Scott doesn’t like the USA Today coaches’ poll, saying it’s 1 – a conflict of interest, and 2 – coaches are focused on their own games. (And of course the unsaid 3 – East Coast and Midwest coaches never vote for teams out West.)
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Ah border wars: A FB group has sprung up asking for “American only hours” at Costco, saying that the store “should make a special time during the day that is American members only.” Texas or Arizona? No, Bellingham, WA. Oh, those pesky Canadians.
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Wonder how long it will take for the Yankees to ask for the All-Star game results to be thrown out so they have a chance for home field advantage?
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Congrats to Felix Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners on his perfect game. And for making the Tampa Bay Rays, at least, look like a lineup that was PED free.
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Meanwhile, back in the innocent world of college sports…. The University of Alabama self-reported 27 NCAA secondary rules violations over the past year, mostly regarding texts and phone calls. 6 were from men’s basketball, and 4 were from football. Other than that, the program was completely clean. Right.
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All this GOP outrage over Joe Biden’s “put you in chains” comment. Where were they last year? When Rick Santorum said in Iowa “They will put you in chains called ‘Obamacare,’ and you will never break away.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Janice Hough, Melky Cabrera jokes, PED jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 