Posted tagged ‘Janice Hough’
August 14, 2012
A United Express flight that was supposed to fly from Morgantown to Clarksburg, WV, accidentally landed at Fairmont Municipal Airport, about 10 miles away. Next up for United Airlines, a GPS fee?
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In this case, karma is a Jewish mother. A top politician in Hungary’s far-right Jobbik party, Csanad Szegedi, known for his incendiary anti-Semitic comments, may have to resign from Parliament. He’s been accused of bribery, to cover up the fact that, oops, he IS a Jew.
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Evelyn Lozada is seeking a divorce 41 days after marrying Chad Johnson. This almost makes her an honorary Kardashian.
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Joe Biden added to his long list of gaffes today by saying to a racially mixed audience in Virginia, that the GOP “wants you in chains.” Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney plans to serenade the same crowd tomorrow with “We Shall Overcome.”
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Less than a year after Terry Francona was fired, Yahoo Sports is alleging that Boston Red Sox players are fed up with new manager Bobby Valentine. What next? Well, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger can reprise his role as “Kindergarten Cop.”
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Things are in so much turmoil in Boston that President Obama ALMOST thought of inviting the team and management over for a beer… . Oops, never mind.
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Okay gentle and not-gentle readers, let’s test your creativity This is today’s Tweet from Donald Trump: “Today I am working on my ‘big surprise’ for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.” So what could he possibly be planning?
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Olympic star Ryan Lochtee is going to make a cameo appearance in a “90210” episode as a resort guest. Hmm. Assume they will clean the resort pool afterwards?
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No comment headline of the day “Christie tapped for big role at convention.”
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The NFL now says they expect to start the 2012 regular season with replacement officials. Players are worried the officials may make mistakes that might affect games. And their point is?
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Michelle Obama was teasing Gabby Douglas about her splurging on an Egg McMuffin after winning a gold medal. But hey, Michelle, an Egg McMuffin is about 300 calories and includes protein. Much more healthy than most bagels, muffins etc. And less caloric than many lattes etc.
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Mitt Romney in Iowa: “Entrepreneurs and business people around the world and here at home think that at some point America is going to become like Greece or like Spain or Italy, or like California.” Guessing he’s going to leave that line out of his next Silicon Valley fundraiser…
(my friend Linda asks – Is Mitt selling his La Jolla house?”)
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Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the buttocks at a Nevada movie theater during a showing of “The Bourne Legacy.” Was he wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Janice Hough, Red Sox jokes, Romney jokes, Trump jokes, United Airlines jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
August 12, 2012
The Olympic flame has been extinguished in London. Just about in time for many Americans to have gotten through their first week of Tevo’ed tape-delayed NBC coverage.
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What a country. The Olympics closing ceremony was tonight in London, Mitt Romney spent his first weekend touring with his running mate Paul Ryan, an earthquake in Iran killed hundreds… and the most popular story on CNN.com? Jennifer Aniston is engaged.
Mitt Romney is already trying to distance himself from some of Paul Ryan’s proposals and statements. Which is going to be rough, Mitt is already working hard enough to distance himself from some of his own proposals and statements.
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Since NBC has decided the best “prime time” is between 1130p and midnight, maybe they could move their fall coverage of Notre Dame football until then?
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The man formerly known as Ochocinco, Chad Johnson, was arrested for domestic violence after an alleged argument with his wife when she found the receipt for a box of condoms. Shocking! An NFL player uses condoms?
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If Paul Ryan really believes the way to fix Medicare is turning it into a program where seniors receive payments to buy their own health insurance, why doesn’t he advocate trying out his fix on a small, reasonably educated test group – like say, Congress?
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You cannot make this stuff up. Romney aide Beth Myers, who ran the V.P. search, now is talking about the closely-guarded process. Since April, the campaign was compiling research documents on each potential candidate, including “several years” of tax returns.
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Okay, here we go…. Lesson one on Paul Ryan, the man who wants to privatize Medicare and Social Security. He was only 16 when his dad died, but Ryan was able to pay for college at Miami of Ohio, using Social Security survivors’ benefits
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Can anyone imagine what Jamaica sprinters would be like without the country’s number one non-performance enhancing drug?
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And as the Olympics ended, didn’t watching Team USA in men’s basketball make you feel all warm and fuzzy and patriotic? Yeah, me neither.
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So Obama’s mandate that employers offer birth control is “immoral”, and Catholic bishops said earlier this year that Ryan’s budget “fails to meet moral criteria.” This election may pose the toughest decision in memory for the church hierarchy, well not involving priests.
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“Honey Badger” Tryann Mathieu is weighing options of FCS teams (where he can play after being kicked out of LSU.) Apparently Mathieu ruled out Southern because he wants to leave Baton Rouge. Makes sense, the cops all know him now.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, NBC jokes, Olympics jokes, Paul Ryan jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 11, 2012
Well, I heard they were doing a remake of the Munsters.
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This post written at 300a Eastern time on Saturday. But hey, at this point Romney’s choosing Paul Ryan as a running mate Saturday will be as much of a surprise as NBC’s tape-delayed Olympic coverage.
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So SF Giants come back from 5-2 road trip to get shut out. The first five by a pitcher with an ERA over 6? Uh, I know United Airlines breaks guitars, do they also break bats?
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Foxnews.com headline: “Sudden gasoline price spikes have experts scrambling for explanation.” I guess California is so blue that the network no longer covers the state, even refinery fires?
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Fareed Zakaria has been suspended by both Time Magazine and CNN for allegedly plagiarizing a New Yorker column by Jill Lepore on gun control. Presumably not just for the copying, but for being stupid enough to think no one still reads the New Yorker.
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The top commander at Lackland Air Force Base was relieved of his duties over a sex scandal where allegedly “dozens” of female recruits were sexually assaulted or harassed by their male instructors. Proving once again the dangers of allowing heterosexuals in the military.
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Hope all of the people enjoying watching the U.S. women pile up the medals in London also support Title IX.
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Anyone else who used to watch Jackie Gleason reruns think that synchronized swimming is basically the June Taylor dancers going to Sea World?
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Man U had a disappointing debut today on the New York Stock Exchange. Of course, part of that problem might be that a lot of Americans are thinking “Whats Man U?
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LSU’s star DB Tryann Mathieu was kicked off the team for an unspecified athletic department violation. Sounds like when it came to the rules, that Honey Badger should have cared.
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Good one from my friend Jim Barach. “UCLA football coach Jim Mora was bragging about his school, saying there are no murders within a block of the campus. O.J. Simpson’s Brentwood house was 2 1/2 blocks from UCLA.
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Question of the afternoon, which school will “Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu transfer to for “academic reasons?
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Due to NCAA investigations of allegations that he had a falsified high school transcript, Auburn freshman RB Jovon Robinson is being held out of practice. Robinson hopes to return this year in time to play and become academically ineligible for 2013.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, London Olympics jokes, Olympics jokes, Paul Ryan jokes, Romney running mate jokes, Tryann Mathieu
Comments: 6 Comments
August 10, 2012
Wonder how many men were basically ignoring the Olympics as background noise on the television tonight until they heard the name “Destinee Hooker?”
(My friend Rich invites everyone also to Google the winner of the men’s trampoline… Would love to see the headlines if he and Destinee were ever to meet.)
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After their gold medal win today, the U.S. women’s soccer team put on Nike shirts saying “Greatness has been found.” And most of the rest of the world’s athletes said “We didn’t know it had been lost.”
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Gold medalist Aly Raisman, 18, sent, then quickly deleted a tweet about going clubbing in London. She changed it to say she was going to bed early, although 380,000 followers still got the original. Nice to see it’s not just grownups who mess up with technology.
As impressive as platform diving is, am I the only one who has a hard time really getting into a sport where the number one sign of excellence is minimal splash?
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Dwight Howard to the Lakers. Well, this looks either like an NBA championship team, or one of the biggest ego-driven train wrecks in sports history.
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Kobe Bryant was asked if he can learn anything form the younger players on the USA team. “No,” he replied. ”I don’t know if I know it all, but I know more than they do.” Guess Kobe feels as at home as if he were playing for the Lakers.
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The 200m men’s race was the premier event Wednesday night for NBC, even though most all viewers will already know the result. Well, I guess it works for repeat showings of “Titanic.”
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The Cowboys have apparently talked to Plaxico Burress’s agent about signing the free-agent wide receiver. Could be a good fit – Dallas has a strong quarterback, a winning tradition, and loose gun laws.
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Highly Kentucky men’s basketball recruit Nerlens Noel has finally been declared academically eligible. Great, so he can show up in the fall and play his freshman season, before dropping out 2nd semester to declare for the NBA draft.
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Almost eight years after the 2004 Olympics, the IOC is apparently going to strip Tyler Hamilton of his cycling gold medal for doping., and give it to Russia’s Ekimov. “Wow, fast investigative work,” said administrators at Penn State.
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Ann Romney had tweeted Thursday that “in just a few short hours one lucky supporter will win the remarkable opportunity to meet Mitt and his VP pick in person.” Leading to speculation the choice will be announced today. But hey, maybe a “few” hours is like a “few” million, different for the Romneys than for most people.
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Lots of variations on this line, but Marc Ragovin put it very succinctly – ” Did Mitt and Ann fly home from London with Rafalca strapped to the wing of their private jet?”
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From my friend Abbe Nelson: “NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn…making it very clear that men are not from Mars.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, Destinee Hooker jokes, Janice Hough, London Olympics jokes, Romney jokes
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August 9, 2012
Yet another tape-delayed night at the Olympics about to begin. But with all the online and other spoilers there’s more drama in watching eliminations in American Idol and DWTS.
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A thought about beach volleyball. Bikinis in London seem as incongruous as ads for dentists.
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Much discussion lately about if the Founding Fathers ever imagined what would happen with the 2nd Amendment. On lighter note pretty darn sure the ancient Greeks never imagined Olympic beach volleyball.
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Defending Olympic gold-medal champion race walker Alex Schwazer was kicked out of the London Games for blood doping. Cheating race-walkers? What’s next? Quick, someone set up testing for the Professional Bowlers tour.
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At a press conference after being expelled from the Olympics for blood doping, racewalker Alex Schwazer cried and said he was actually happy he’d been caught, saying he wasn’t “made to deceive people”, and “couldn’t take it anymore.” Hmm, what Alex’s next move, running for office?
Randy Travis was arrested for DUI after crashing his car. Officials said he was “naked, combative,” and threatened police officers. “Drunk, naked, nasty and busted…” Well, Travis is in a lot of trouble, but he’s got some great starter lyrics for his next song.
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Bobby Valentine just said he thinks his Red Sox are a playoff team. And Josh Beckett is thinking, “Hey bro, how much of my beer are have you been drinking?”
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On the pre-game show for their nationally-televised game of the week, ESPN seriously dissed most of the SF Giants lineup. Can they do this every night, please?
(for anyone who didn’t see, Giants 15-Cardinals 0)
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Personally I don’t care if Ann Romney has a whole stable of purebreds. But can only imagine if instead of Ann, it was Malia Obama who had a expensive horse and was entering dressage competitions.
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So the GOP is running a misleading ad saying Obama will let welfare recipients get away without working, when the administration has just implemented a strict waiver program that gives states more flexibility with the rules for things like job training. The waiver originally was pushed by Republicans, including, surprise, Mitt Romney.
(So besides the debates with Obama, this fall will we get to see Mitt Romney debate himself?)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: beach volleyball jokes, Janice Hough, London jokes, NBC jokes, Olympics jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 8, 2012
Mitt and Ann Romney’s horse “Rafalca” did not even advance to the individual finals in dressage. Who’s more disappointed? The Romneys? Or the Democrats, who were hoping for a photo op on the medal stand.
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Any truth to the rumor that “Rafalca” is an African word for “tax write off?”
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Back on the domestic front, Mitt Romney still refuses to release his tax returns, but says that Harry Reid should reveal the source for his accusations. In other words, only the little people need to give out information.
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Have to love all this GOP condemnation of Harry Reid’s accusations about Mitt Romney’s taxes. Where were they when Donald Trump was making accusations about Barack Obama’s birth certificate?
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First it was the trustees, now a group of former Penn State players has announced they are planning to appeal the sanctions against the football team. There’s clearly something in the water in State College’s river of denial.
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This year for the first time the Nittany Lions will have names on the back of their football jerseys. Well, better than adding the Penn State name to the front.
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The Chevron oil refinery fire will apparently spike gas prices all over the West coast. That’s okay, because when Chevron makes record profits they pass those on too by lowering the rates for consumers…. Oops, wait, never mind. Rat b*stards.
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Random Olympic thought. The “Fastest Man in the World” would still end up as lunch for a pack of cheetahs.
(Nice add from Peter Crapo, “Only if he was running alone.”
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If the S.F. Giants’ Barry Zito had pitched any better tonight, NBC would have had to tape-delay him.
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Newt Gingrich will apparently not speak at the GOP convention. Delegates are content with the decision. Comedy writers, on the other hand….
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On the other side of the aisle, Bill Clinton is speaking for the Democrats. And Newt said “I think that will be a terrific opportunity for those of us who served with President Clinton to point out that Barack Obama is no Bill Clinton,” Uh, except Gingrich as Speaker tried to IMPEACH Bill Clinton.
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T.C. on Michael Phelps’ decision to leave swimming “Michael Phelps says he’s has left the pool forever. BONG! The clock strikes 12. HOOKAH blame him?”
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In the “Olympic event most likely to cause lasting international repercussions” pool, who had the US vs. Canada in women’s soccer?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, Olympics jokes, Penn State jokes, Ralfalca jokes
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August 7, 2012
Nick Delpopolo, who competed for the U.S, but didn’t medal in judo, has been expelled from the Olympics for marijiuana. He blames it on “inadvertent consumption of food that I did not realize had been baked with marijuana.” Brownies without the bitter taste of pot? A lot of people want that recipe.
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NBC trying to get us to embrace the pain of their Olympic coverage – retitling the broadcasts “Fifty Shades of Delay.”
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Algerian runner Taoufik Makhloufi was reinstated for Tuesday’s 1500m final, after being thrown out of the Olympics for not trying in Monday’s 800m heat. Wonder what Algeria used as evidence – Makhloufi’s favorite Chicago Cubs cap?
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Terrell Owens has signed a deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe this is finally God’s payback for Pete Carroll getting off scot-free when he left USC.
(as Alex Schubert commented – “nothing says Nfl ready like being cut from an arena football team.) –
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In Weymouth, England, firefighters were able to save a man after he caught his apartment on fire trying to dry his wet socks and underwear in a microwave oven. The response from most women: “Serious Darwin candidate.” The response from most men: “You mean you shouldn’t do that?”
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Penn State trustees are appealing sanctions, saying the NCAA did not give them “due process when it did not follow its usual investigation and enforcement procedures.” Uh, what about the investigation and enforcement procedures for all the boys raped by Sandusky?
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There’s bi-partisan support in Washington for a bill to make Olympic winnings tax-exempt. But okay, maybe this sounds like a nice idea, but does, for example the men’s basketball team really need the tax break? Or Mitt Romney’s dressage horse?
(Actually with all the NBA stars on the team, the tax break men’s basketball may really need is on child support.)
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Brazil’s Fabiana Murer, the defending world champion in pole vault, blamed the wind for not attempting her final jump. In Beijing, she blamed her exit on organizers giving her the wrong pole, (which they did, but said she should have checked her equipment.) With that much whining Murer may be named an honorary American.
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Shannon Eastin will this week become the first woman to be part of an NFL officiating crew. She will work the preseason game between the Green Bay Packers and San Diego Chargers. Good thing Brett Favre has retired, could be distracting for her to referee the game AND ignore his texts.
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More trenchant than funny. But “white supremacists” do their best to make the phrase an oxymoron.
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Michele Bachmann didn’t intend for anyone to shoot up a Sikh temple when she went after Huma Abedin and her alleged ties to the Muslim brotherhood. But if we’re going to defend both the first AND second amendments in the U.S., then maybe politicians should think before they further inflame the crazies.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Brett Favre jokes, Janice Hough, NBC jokes, NFL jokes, Olympics jokes, Penn State jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 5, 2012
Just back from a couple weeks in Europe. Which means trading watching live Olympics in languages I don’t understand where they show the winners, to “cut and paste” late night USA highlights. Remind me to do this again in four years.
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Michael Phelps says he’s not going near the water again. Does that include water pipes?
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New Texas GOP Senate nominee Ted Cruz, said of his desire to cut the deficit, that he’d “be happy to compromise and work with anybody, Republicans, Democrats, libertarians, I’ll work with Martians.” Actually, given the polarization in D.C. these days, Martians might be his best bet.
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Lindsey Graham just called Harry Reid a liar for saying he had heard Romney had not paid taxes for 10 years. The same Lindsey Graham who after Osama was killed said, ” Why doesn’t Obama just clear the matter up? I know bin Laden is dead, but the best way to protect our decisions overseas is to prove that fact to the rest of the world.”
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President Obama’s 51st birthday was yesterday. Assume Donald Trump sent him a card saying “Prove it.
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The Chicago Cubs, who were swept this weekend by the Los Angeles Dodgers, blew multiple leads in losing today, giving up runs in four of the last five innings. Are the Cubs trying to be the official baseball team of Olympic badminton?
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The Paterno family is demanding an appeal of the NCAA Penn State sanctions. Okay, maybe this isn’t a “quit while you’re ahead” situation, but maybe it’s “keep your mouths shut and quit reminding people” for a while? But then denial may also be a river in State College.
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Clint Eastwood has endorsed Mitt Romney. So where are Karl Rove and all the outraged Republicans who criticized Clint and accused him of being “bought” back in February for that Super Bowl “Halftime in America” ad.
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Which takes less time – the Men’s 100 meter dash, or the coverage NBC devotes to sports where the USA doesn’t do well?
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This is TCU’s first year in the Big 12. And Sunday coach Gary Patterson announced that starting QB Casey Pachall won’t face team discipline after admitting to police in February he had used marijuana and also failed a drug test. Looks like the Horned Frogs will fit in just fine in a major conference.
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Since WNBA and early Women’s March Madness blowout games get extremely low ratings, why does NBC think out of all the Olympics that what we most wanted to see Sunday morning was Team USA beating up on the Chinese?
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All these world records in swimming… Wow. Of course, after Ryan Lochte’s comments about what he does in the pool, maybe all the athletes have an extra motivation to get out of the water as soon as possible.
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So regarding this “kiss-in” at Chick-Fil-A between same sex couples, including a lot of lesbians. Wonder how many conservative men showed up just “to keep an eye on what these ungodly people are doing.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Joe Paterno jokes, NBC jokes, Olympics jokes, tape delayed jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 3, 2012
Bizarre watching the Olympics on a European channel: No tape delay, no “up close and personal,” just nonstop sports. What a concept.
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Understandable that NBC wants to show Olympic events in prime-time. Less understandable that some Americans are probably falling asleep at work because they stayed up until nearly midnight to watch an event that happened over 8 hours ago.
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If NBC can only wait a little longer they will have one day’s events shown after the next day’s events actually happen/
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Got to love headlines you only see in the Olympics – as in “Archery upset.” Or as Augie says “Badminton scandal.”
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Americans are getting so excited about the USA swimming team that a few people are even thinking of watching a post-games event or two before the next Olympics.
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But really, if they made hot-dog eating an Olympic event where the US had a good chance for gold, Americans would tune in. And NBC would tape-delay it.
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Re that record breaking 16 year old Chinese girl swimmer: Any truth to the rumor she’s trying to enter next year’s Home Run Derby?
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From Bill Littlejohn: Vanessa Bryant is reportedly upset at Kobe for a photo taken of him at a Team USA party. Which means that he has just gone from playing for the gold to playing for the diamond.–
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Mitt Romney said today that Harry Reid needs “to put up or shut up” with his accusations that Romney didn’t pay taxes for years. Gosh, if there were only a way to settle this once and for all…..
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Okay, I think I understand Romney’s position of the day on the economy. The 163,000 jobs created last month were in spite of Obama. The 8.3% unemployment rate is all his fault.
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Mitt Romney’s website is selling decals saying “Government Didn’t Build My Business, I Did.” Is Mitt also saying that government can’t do a thing about unemployment?
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For any of you who are tired of reading about Olympics results featuring professional athletes playing at amateur sports, the first USA Today college football poll shows LSU and Alabama 1-2…. Oops, never mind.
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Chicago’s O’Hare Airport Terminal 2 was closed and then reopened due to an unspecified “possible suspicious item.” What, did some airline actually try to give away something free?
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From Marc Ragovin: Scandal at the Olympics, as the Chinese and South Korean women’s badminton teams have been accused of tanking early round games to ensure more favorable matchups after reseeding. Word is the authorities were tipped off by a little birdie.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Olympics jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 27, 2012
Heading off on a seven day cruise vacation – so posts may be less frequent/shorter. In meantime, it looks like the Olympics will be entertainment enough. Especially the Mitt and Boris (London Mayor) show.
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On the first leg of his international trip, Mitt Romney has managed to insult England. What’s he going to do for an encore in Poland, tell a Polish joke?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2179309/Mayor-Boris-Johnson-attacking-Mitt-Romney-Olympic-torch-arrives-London.html
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Cat fight: (male politician version) Mitt Romney criticized London’s preparedness for the Olympic games. British PM David Cameron responded “”We are holding an Olympic Games in one of the busiest, most active, bustling cities anywhere in the world. Of course it’s easier if you hold an Olympic Games in the middle of nowhere.”
Mitt Romney has indicated he views this foreign trip to England, Israel, Poland as a leadership audition. So far so good, for President Obama.
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Fred Willard, 72, arrested for lewd conduct in an adult movie theater, said on the Jimmy Fallon show that he did nothing to warrant arrest. He might have added “And for some reason my grandchildren say they are getting me a computer for my birthday.
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Got to love this quote: “I don’t have a problem making it harder. I want people in Florida to want to vote as bad as that person in Africa who walks 200 miles across the desert. This should not be easy.” (Buying guns, on the other hand, should be easy.)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/jul/26/florida-assault-voting-rights
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Mitt Romney is now doing a 180 on his negative comments about the Olympics. On the bright side if he keeps this up Mitt may have one of those multiple somersault platform dives named after him.
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Kristen Stewart has issued a press release admitting to cheating on Robert Pattinson. And it wasn’t even with Taylor Lautner. (This post probably won’t make sense to anyone over 25.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, London jokes, London Olympics jokes, Romney insults England jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 26, 2012
Ah, we really know the Olympics are almost here. Nine athletes, including Olympic bronze medalist runner Nataliya Tobias, have tested positive for “sophisticated doping” offenses.
(of course, have to wonder, if they are REALLY sophisticated, how many haven’t been caught?)
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-President Obama’s re-election campaign is taking the high road with Rafalca, Ann Romney’s dressage medal candidate. A spokeswoman said “We are rooting for the Romney horse in London.” (And no doubt, the last-night comedy feast if Rafalca wins a gold.)
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It’s on, it’s off, it’s on, it’s off. Now Dwight Howard says he still wants a trade. This guy’s had so many positions on the subject he might be angling for a place in a possible Romney administration.
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London organizers accidentally played the South Korean national anthem for the North Korean women’s soccer team. It’s times like this I really miss Sarah Palin.
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LSU has offered a talented kid named Dylan Moses a football scholarship. Moses said: ” It means that all my hard work is paying off. All the two-a-days and practices from when I was six on up, it’s paying off right now.” Dylan won’t be starting for the Tigers soon though, he’s 14 years old and going into 8th grade.
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Mitt Romney on the Colorado shooter, telling NBC why stricter gun laws wouldn’t help: “This person shouldn’t have had any kind of weapons and bombs and other devices and it was illegal for him to have many of those things already. But he had them.” Uh, maybe Mitt should learn what the laws are before he changes his positions on them.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up. Penn State penalties are supposed to show that no college football program is above the “law.” And one of the first “casualties” for the Nittany Lions is potentially Silas Reed, the team’s leading rusher, who might be going to USC – in the Trojans’ first year after sanctions made THEM bowl ineligible….
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Mitt Romney’s campaign is trying to backtrack from comments an advisor made that Mitt would do better with Britain because he is “part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage.” Uh, besides the racial slant, how about the fact that a number of Romney supporters probably hear “Anglo-Saxon” and think “darn foreigners.”
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The Mets are 1-11 since the All-Star Break. In New York they are re-dubbing it the “All-Star retirement party.”
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Thought for the night. Another piece of evidence indicating that women are less likely to be homicidal spree killers- the fact that so many men are still alive.
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Chad Johnson, the football player previously known as “Ochocino,” says his problem with the Patriots was “My personality was controlled last year.” Adding “You didn’t hear me at all last year. Zero. Zilch. When my mouth is running, it forces me to perform.” “Thank you, Jesus.” said every sports comedy writer in the U.S.
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Twitter is down. Raising a question for our time “If Twitter goes down in a forest and no one can tweet about it, does it make a sound?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, London Olympics jokes, NFL jokes, Olympic jokes, Romney jokes
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July 25, 2012
Going from the Mariners to the Yankees was apparently Ichiro’s idea. Guess at this point the man wants a ring so bad he’d almost be willing to marry Kobe Bryant.
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Tripp Palin, 3, called his aunt an anti-gay slur on his mom Bristol’s reality show. And just think, we could have put this family a heartbeat away from the White House. Stay classy, Palins.
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A Southern California man was unhappy when a “Batman, The Dark Knight Rises” showing didn’t start on time, so he stood up and yelled “I should go off like in Colorado. Does anybody have a gun?” Whatever charges they bring against him should certainly include felony stupidity.
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In London during the Olympic games, bettors can places wagers on everything from it raining every day, to from UFO sightings, to London’s Mayor catching his hair on fire with the torch. But the real longshot bet – that NBC will show any meaningful event live to Americans in prime time.
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William Staub, who changed exercise forever by inventing the treadmill, died at the age of 96. Apparently he had been seen on one of his machines just a couple months ago. Many Americans really wish he had attributed his long life to never using the things.
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Mitt Romney said Sunday that Australia’s foreign minister, Bob Carr, had told him privately that the United States was “in decline.” And Romney criticizes Obama for paying too much attention to other countries?
A “Good Morning America/ABC News” story on the Penn State scandal and sanctions stated “Perhaps paying the highest price and feeling most victimized are former players.” Uh, I think I can think of some boys and men who might feel more victimized than that.
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Sherman Hemsley passed away far too early at 74. As George Jefferson, a character who could be as much of a bigoted jerk as Archie Bunker, he struck a twisted but real blow for racial equality. Here’s hoping Sherman is already “movin’ on up.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 23, 2012
The manager of a Colorado gun range turned the Aurora shooter down for membership because he seemed too weird and “creepy.” Maybe someone should hire that guy for the next task force deciding how to authorize gun purchases.
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And as far as deadly weapons, some compare guns to cars. And yes, cars can kill people. But to drive one in the U.S. you need an exam and a license.
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Trying to be fair, when pro-gun types imagine armed citizens at the Batman premiere in Aurora, they think ex-military or very highly trained civilians. Whereas those of us who don’t like guns think more like Plaxico Burress or George Zimmerman.
From Paul Seaburn: Mitt Romney is leaving the U.S. this week to visit England, Israel, Poland and his money.
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The Oakland A’s 2012 payroll – $55 million. Alex Rodriguez and Mark Teixeira’s 2012 salaries put together? Over $53 million. For New York Yankees fans this weekend, money not only couldn’t buy happiness, it couldn’t even buy a win.
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Just a bit unclear on the concept? Former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz on the Penn State sanctions: “You’re talking about ruining the lives of people.”
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NCAA President Mark Emmert in announcing Penn State sanctions: “Football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people.” Wow. And he said it with a straight face.
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Another sad story. Sally Ride, 61, the first female astronaut, died today of pancreatic cancer. I had a “Major Matt Mason” astronaut action figure as a kid in the late 1960s….we couldn’t imagine you could have a female version.
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Ah perspective. With the vacated Penn State wins, now the winningest coach in D1 college football history is Bobby Bowden. Who has been often criticized over the years for running a program where bad things like illegally free shoes were involved.
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From T.C., Will Pittsburgh join Chicago with the slogan “Da Bears?”
Scary thought: As different as the two candidates in the Presidential election are, and as much media coverage as there as been of both President Obama and Mitt Romney, our country’s future may lie in the hands of people who haven’t come close to making up their mind
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Penn State jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 22, 2012
Can we make “Blowing in the Wind” the new Penn State fight song?
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The Joe Paterno statue has been taken down at Penn State. One angry supporter said “I think it was an act of cowardice on the part of the university.” Uh, following upon a whole lot of SLIGHTLY more cowardly acts.
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Regarding that Penn State statue of Joe Paterno. If/when they bring it back can they install it upside down with JoePa’s head buried in the sand?
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Reports are Penn State will not get the NCAA’s “death penalty.” Will they rename SMU “Chopped Liver” university?
(my friend Steve Moyer suggests ” Perhaps the punishment should be that all the university leaders get fondled and molested by Jerry Sandusky.”)
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Yet another sadly ironic “Be careful what you wish for”: Batman director Nolan in EW worried about being lost amid the glut this summer – “I don’t want to be just another superhero movie.”
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And another serious thought: Some pro-gun types are already saying that more people with guns inside the Aurora movie theater could have prevented many of the killings. Uh, while I hate guns, I have gun owning friends, and believe responsible gun owners can defend themselves. But in the dark, with a smoke bomb, and a lot of people in costume…. ? In this case – more guns would equal a lot more dead.
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And okay, so the guy got the guns legally. If we can’t change gun control laws can we at least change whatever laws allowed him to get 6,000 rounds of ammunition? And/or maybe also figure out some way that when he buys the FOURTH gun within a few months that it doesn’t set off some alarms, somewhere? (Heck, Safeway can figure out if someone in your household used a promo coupon already in a week, the airlines can figure out when you’re trying to get sign-up bonus miles under the same name with credit cards…shouldn’t be that hard.)
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What you’re most likely to hear in New York sports bars these days — “Let’s go Yankees!” and “When does the NFL season start?”
Time to change the slogan to “Let’s Blow, Mets?”
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Even Cubs fans are feeling sorry for Adam Scott.
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And the lighter side story of the day is a young female bear who wandered into a Pittsburgh, PA mall, and was found wandering around a Sears. (It’s a light story because no one was harmed, including the bear.)
The possibilities are endless, but for starters:
Sears’ new slogan? “The place to shop for the bear necessities?”
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Are the “Snakes on a plane” folks paying attention? “Bears in a mall” should be equally appealing?
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“Bears in a mall” has particular comic possibilities… especially if one chomps on a Kardashian.
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More suggestions encouraged.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Joe Paterno jokes, Joe Paterno statue jokes, Penn State jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 21, 2012
21 people in San Jose were treated for burns on their feet after a Tony Ribbons “Unleash the Power Within” seminar, which concluded with participants “firewalking” in bare feet over hot coals.
Uh, wouldn’t a better title be “Unleash the Idiot Within?”
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What’s more bizarre? That in late July 2012 Tim Lincecum won to boost his record to 4-10. Or that many skeptics dismissed the win by saying “Oh, it’s only against the Phillies?”
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Our long national nightmare is over. Starting Monday, “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” are back on Direct TV.
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When asked about the new NBA idea to put ads on uniforms, MLB commissioner Bud Selig said “You learn never to say never, but you know, with us, uniforms are really important.” Translation, “The Yankees don’t want ads.”
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Tennessee Titans WR Kenny Britt was arrested this morning for DUI in Kentucky. Okay, so we can’t solve all the problems of the world, but maybe the NFL could start mandating contracts that include players using cars and drivers?
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A large black dog crossing the road in front of Tour de France riders has caused a crash in Friday’s stage of the race. And somewhere a French cat is sitting in the sun smirking and thinking “chien fou.”
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An Oregon woman is selling her house after a divorce with a “For Sale” sign saying “Husband left us for a 22 year old. No adulterers please.” Maybe if she’s lucky she’ll sell it to a gay couple who’ve been together 40 years.
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The U.S. Defense Department is making a special allowance for the San Diego Gay Pride parade, allowing service members for the first time to march in such an event in uniform.
One word: “Fabulous.”
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From Gary Bachman: “Olympic officials will reportedly provide more than 150,000 condoms to athletes at no cost during the London 2012 Olympic Games. The USA Men’s Basketball team asked, ‘What are condoms?’
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Aubrey Huff is going to return to San Francisco for another MRI. Apparently he had a knee setback. “Darn” said absolutely no Giants fans.
Categories: baseball jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Daily show jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, NFL jokes, Tour de France jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 19, 2012
No, not a joke, Rush Limbaugh is claiming “Batman, the Dark Knight Rises” is part of a liberal media conspiracy against Romney because the villain is named “Bane.” (“Bane” was created in 1993… guess that Obama really thinks ahead.)
Some Penn State students have started a vigil to protect the Joe Paterno statue from vandals. Shame no one on campus was as motivated to protect little boys.
Some critics have questioned new Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer’s ability to run the company while pregnant and planning a (short) maternity leave. Uh, could she do any worse than the last 4 CEO’s?
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Sportsmanship award of the year? When Kobe Bryant was asked what would happen if the USA didn’t bring home the gold medal, he said that U.S. players’ citizenship should be revoked….
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I posted last week that when Romney organized the Olympics the U.S. team was attired in clothing from Roots. A very good Canadian company. Turns out the torchbearer’s uniforms, however, weren’t from Canada. They were manufactured in Burma..
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Love this statement from the Olympic organizing committee back in 2000, about a torch relay uniform controversy. (Ah that darned liberal geography…) “The torch relay clothes were NOT made in Burma. They were manufactured in Myanmar. ”
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Barry Zito is 119-7 lifetime when he has at least four runs of support. So if Zito had signed with the Yankees would he be a future Hall of Famer?
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Who says there’s no bi-partisan agreement in this country? Some Republicans are saying that Sarah Palin should have a major speaking role at the GOP convention this year. And most Democrats agree with them.
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Ann Romney says her husband hasn’t decided yet on a running mate. Actually it’s more likely that he’s decided, then decided again, and is still thinking of changing his mind.
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When asked about his company’s support for anti-gay Christian organizations, Chick-fil-A Pres. Dan Cathy responded “Well, guilty as charged. We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit.
Wonder if that includes polygamy, marrying your sister in law, slaves, etc…
Supreme Court judge Antonin Scalia said tonight about “Bush v. Gore,” (the 2000 presidential election), “That comes up all the time, and my usual response is ‘get over it.'” So will he say the same thing about the Romney-Obamacare decision?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bain jokes, Bane jokes, Janice Hough, Paterno jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 17, 2012
Another day, another sports DUI arrest. (Today the NFL Seahawks’ Marshawn Lynch.) Maybe teams should start adding “doing your own driving” to prohibited activities like spelunking and skydiving.
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NY Police reportedly say that Jason Kidd was so drunk when HE was arrested he didn’t even know how he had crashed his car. Kidd was signed to be a mentor to Jeremy Lin – Uh, maybe to give him advice like “Dude, when you’re hammered, call a taxi?”
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From Maaj “Jason Kidd got a DWI. He tried to pass the sobriety test but it got picked off.”
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Joe Paterno’s family is denying the Louis Freeh report’s findings. Sounds like denial is genetic.
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Interesting. Many of the people who said that Joe Paterno was NOT getting doddering and senile, are now defending him by saying he was….
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The President and Vice President attended tonight’s exhibition game between the U.S. and Brazil. Team USA had to rally from an early 10 point deficit to win 80-69. Just as well, otherwise the GOP would have one more thing for which to blame Obama.
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Kudos to Susan Collins of Maine just cast her 5000th consecutive vote. (Third longest ever.). As one of the few moderates in the Senate, Collins often has to be one of the deciding votes on close bills. So this ought to silence (again) those who believe women don’t have the stomach for tough politics.
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Cincinnati star Joey Votto will have surgery on a torn meniscus, and will be out 3-4 weeks. The injury was sustained June 29, when the Reds were playing….San Francisco. Yep, the Giants broke ANOTHER player.
(Oscar B. says, “how long until an MLB investigation?”)
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Target is now stocking new same-sex marriage along with tradtional marriage cards. Very cool. The company is embracing tolerance, or at least LGBT buying power.
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Nadia Lockyer resigned in April her Alameda County, California, board of supervisor’s position after a drug/sex scandal. Today state treasurer Bill Lockyer has filed for divorce. And who saw this coming?
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Donald J. Sobol, 87, has passed away. He authored the Encyclopedia Brown series. Wonder how many clues mourners will have to find to make it to his funeral.
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Lindsay Lohan’s dad is going to have another child with his sometimes girlfriend Kate Major. It’s times like these that you wish the requirements to become a parent were at least as strict as adopting a pet from the Humane Society.
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Golden State Warriors center is apparently being investigating in his home country of Latvia for alleged income tax evasion. Well, that’s a change. An NBA player evading taxes? Usually it’s child support.
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Tim Pawlenty for Romney’s V.P.? Well, maybe they figured Pawlenty was one of the few people who could make Romney look like “Mr. Excitement.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Jason Kidd jokes, Joe Paterno jokes, NFL jokes, sports DUI arrest
Comments: 3 Comments
July 13, 2012
Pretty scathing report out of Penn State. They didn’t even try to transfer Sandusky to a different parish.
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One of the more disgusting sidelights of this Penn State scandal: The university had no problem keeping Sandusky around and protecting Paterno etc.. But had the team had several seasons in a row without a bowl bid, PSU would have fired them all and changed the locks.
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A paraphrase of a great line in a novel – who is my first reader to get the reference? “You can go to the showers, Jerry. That was what evil was – – as easy at that! But afterwards you went on remembering…”
(Hint, only substituted words are “showers”, “Jerry”, and “evil”)
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All kidding aside the best single line to sum up the Penn State fiasco might be from an 18th century Irishman, Edmund Burke: “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”
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Apparently in the UK, women trying to make their own fake Christian Louboutins, have caused sales of glossy red paint to soar. (Yes, I am aware this post is Greek to most men. Figured I’d write one for my women friends who don’t like sports and have said they have no idea what I am talking about sometimes.)
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Politicians will be barred from speaking at this year’s commemoration ceremony on the anniversary of the 2001 terror attacks, according to the National September 11 Memorial and Museum. Wonder how many people will tune in to see if Rudy Guiliani explodes.
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Mitt Romney hasn’t blamed President Obama yet for the U.S. Olympic team uniforms being made in China. Has he been too busy? Or does he remember that when he organized the 2002 games the uniforms were made by Roots? A company from Canada.
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Very un- PC department – but T.C., who dared me to post this, is Asian-Canadian:
The U.S Congress is fuming that the official US Olympic Uniforms were made in China. Berets, blazers and pants could have been made by local textile industries who are struggling. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev said they should be put into a big pile and set on fire. No argument here – who wants to wear gear that says “United States of Amellica” and “Lalph Rauren”?
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Steven Tyler says he is leaving American Idol to go back to his music : “I strayed from my first love, Aerosmith, and I’m back — but instead of begging on my hands and knees, I got two fists in the air and I’m kicking the door open with my band.” Uh, at this point more like banging the door open with his walker.
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Kobe Bryant says this year’s USA Olympic basketball team could’ve beaten the 1992 Dream Team. Really? I’m not sure this year’s team can even beat Spain.
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A D.C. motorcycle officer who was a White House escort has been reassigned to desk duties after he made a “bad joke” about shooting Michelle Obama with a picture of a gun on his cellphone. The Secret Service says now it was not a real threat. Good thing. But sounds like the guy is too stupid to be on the streets anyway.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Idol jokes, Janice Hough, Joe Paterno jokeso, Penn State jokes, Sandusky jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 12, 2012
Rush Limbaugh today said that Mitt Romney speaking before the NAACP “sounded like Snow White with testicles.” “Snow White with testicles?” Uh, doesn’t that put a less than family values spin on her living with those seven little men?
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Steve Nash is now a Laker. Hoping finally to be the first player to end his championship drought the same year he is eligible for Medicare.
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Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho lost a $750,000 a year endorsement contract with Coca-Cola when he was seen drinking a Pepsi at a press conference. I do see, however, some potential for a serious new advertising campaign with Pepsi.
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Negotiations between Brooklyn and Orlando to have Dwight Howard leave the Magic for the Nets have apparently fallen through. Jeez. The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes split was accomplished with less drama.
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Marion Cunningham, who rewrote the much loved “Fannie Farmer” cookbook, died today at 90. Said most Americans under 25. What’s a cookbook? Is there an App for that?
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American Airlines is reportedly trying to merger with JetBlue. Great, just what we need, more lousy American service while you sit on the tarmac on a delayed JetBlue plane.
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The settlement of a strike by Norwegian oil workers has caused gas prices to drop sharply. Dick Cheney has called for the invasion of Norway.
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So Mitt Romney got himself media coverage by telling the NAACP he would repeal Obamacare. Maybe time for President Obama to speak in front of the “National Organization for Marriage” trumping his support for same-sex unions.
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Nascar driver AJ Allmendinger tested positive for a stimulant His spokesperson said AJ “has no idea why the first test was positive, and he has never knowingly taken any prohibited substance.” Who said race car drivers aren’t real athletes?
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Mitt Romney today to the NAACP -“I believe that if you understood who I truly am in my heart, and if it were possible to fully communicate what I believe…” I’m not even sure anymore that Mitt himself knows who he truly is and what he believes.
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Comic-Con starts tomorrow in San Diego. And they have announced that this year strollers will not be allowed in the programming rooms. Shocking! Comic-Con attendees reproduce?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: dwight howard jokes, Janice Hough, PED jokes, Romney jokes, Rush Limbaugh jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 10, 2012
“Well-stuffed” – referring to the job San Francisco fans did with the ballot box.
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That deafening silence you heard after the top of the All-Star game five run top of the first inning was coming from Mets fans who wanted Wright to start the All-Star game.
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After tonight, SF Giants batters have to be petitioning MLB for permission to wear orange spikes during regular season.
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Says Gary M. “About 1/2-way through tonight’s All-Star game, Bryce Harper asked Melky Cabrera, “How much for those clown shoes, bro?”
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Back to the regular season…. Phil Mickelson apparently part of a group planning to buy the San Diego Padres. Anyone ever told Phil that on a baseball diamond low scores are not necessarily a good thing?
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If Giants fans had started stuffing the ballot box sooner the AL might not have had that seven game All-Star winning streak.
How long until the New York Yankees tell MLB Commissioner Bud Selig this All-Star game determining home field advantage stuff is not acceptable.
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Former PSU pres. Graham Spanier told university investigators that he was never told that Jerry Sandusky was seen molesting a boy in a school shower. Ah for the good old days of being a scumbag. It was so much easier to burn notes than to erase emails….
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United Airlines today announced that they will reinstate their San Francisco to Paris nonstop in April 2013. Tomorrow they will announce that all frequent flyer free and upgraded tickets on that route are full.
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The GOP has a very different problem from 2008. Then they had a presidential candidate who couldn’t remember. Now they have one who hopes that we can’t remember.
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A yoga teacher with a cellphone ban in class was fired from Facebook after making an employee turn the phone off during one of her classes. Guess the employee just HAD to update her status to “I’m feeling really relaxed learning yoga.”
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Texas Governor Rick Perry compared Medicaid to the Titanic. Interesting that Perry picked as a metaphor one of the only things in history that sunk faster than his Presidential campaign.
From Marc Ragovin: Mitt Romney’s advisers say that his Swiss and Cayman Islands bank accounts are all part of his longstanding practice of investing globally. Hence his new campaign slogan: Putting America Somewhere Between First and Sixth.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, All-Star jokes, Ballot Box Stuffing jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, San Francisco Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 