Posted tagged ‘Janice Hough’
July 9, 2012
We’re currently in the Major League Baseball All Star break. The only three days between April and September when Cubs fans KNOW their team won’t disappoint them.
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Robinson Cano, last year’s Home Run Derby winner, hit zero home runs today. What is Cano trying to do, get traded to the San Francisco Giants?
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Adam Lambert is reportedly in talks to become a judge on American Idol. The biggest hangup, having him on the show might create a “who’s prettier” tension with Ryan Seacrest.
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One happy Monday thought: If you can read this post your computer hasn’t been compromised by the DNSChanger malware.
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The Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise divorce has been finalized, in less than two weeks. With damage control talent like this Cruise clearly has a future in politics.
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Worst thing for SF Giants fans about today’s Home Run Derby. Prince Fielder’s win today isn’t going to make it any easier for the team to convince Pablo Sandoval he needs to lose weight.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Eagles RB Dion Lewis was arrested when, allegedly intoxicated, he pulled the fire alarm after locking himself out of his hotel in New York. Lewis was in town to speak at the Troy Boys & Girls Club about “things like how to make better choices.” (The talk has been rescheduled.)
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Not a fan of cheating, but regarding all this controversy now over Lance Armstrong and doping, do any cycling fans think ANYONE was clean during his era?
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Reggie Jackson, who is a “Yankees special assistant” has been told to stay away from team events indefinitely after his comments about A-Rod etc. But really, hiring Reggie and expecting him not to say anything controversial? Who’s the team’s next managerial prospect – Ozzie Guillen?
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As the GOP dismisses talk about Romney’s Swiss bank accounts, along with his holdings in the Cayman Islands and Bermuda, have to wonder, what would they be saying if Obama had money overseas, even small accounts in Kenya or Indonesia?
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-Hope Solo has received a USADA warning after testing positive for Canrenone. She says it was an “honest mistake” with “a medication prescribed by my personal doctor for pre-menstrual purposes that I did not know contained a diuretic” Wonder how long it will take some baseball player to use the same excuse?.
(As my friend Tony Alan Banks says : “Manny’s just sorry he didn’t think of this.”)
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Andy Murray and Great Britain were unable to break a 76-year Wimbledon men’s singles title drought. So, back in 1936, did someone bring a billy goat to Centre Court?”
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The headline reads “Three gored on the third day running of the bulls.” Should read “Three miss in valiant attempts for Darwin award.”
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Women just do not get it with this running of the bulls stuff. I mean, for us there’s got to be a purpose for that kind of mad dash where you’re likely to be trampled…. like a REALLY good Black Friday sale.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, home run derby jokes, Janice Hough, Reggie Jackson jokes, Running of the bulls jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 8, 2012
The Yankees’ Mark Texiera has accused Red Sox reliever Vincente Padilla of headhunting. Padilla’s response “I think, maybe (he) picked the wrong profession. I think he’d be better off playing a women’s sport. Guessing Padilla has never watched women’s rugby or roller derby.
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For that matter, Nordstrom’s has just asked Texiera if he’d like to attend opening day of their next shoe sale.
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Ernest Borgnine has passed away at the age of 95. You might have been a teenager in the 70s if you think maybe in heaven he’s already swimming again with Shelley Winters.
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A concert in Pyongyang for new leader Kim Jong Un featured performers dressed as Mickey Mouse, Tigger and other Disney characters. Does this signal a softening in North Korean relations with the West? Or is it just a step towards using “It’s a Small World” as a torture device.
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Donald Trump will be recognized as the 2012 Statesman of the Year by the Sarasota, FL, Republican Party next month. No, this is not from the Onion.
-Wimbledon mens final Sunday was at 2p London time: The response in the US ? “Let’s see if Andy Murray can win for the UK – 10%; “Let’s see if Switzerlands’s Roger Federer can win his 7th title – 10%; “There’s no American involved, screw it, I’m sleeping in.” – 80%.
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George Zimmerman is reportedly in a “safe house” in Florida. Presumably his security team also brings him things like iced tea and Skittles.
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John Boehner recently said the American people “probably aren’t going to fall in love with Mitt Romney.” True dat. Heck, Boehner himself may not shed a tear if Romney loses in November.
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Is there some rule that Yankees-Red Sox games must go at least 3 1/2 hours?
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A live political debate in Jordan ended when one of the participants pulled out a gun. Well, that would be one way to increase television ratings for debates in the U.S.
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At the first day’s running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, one man was gored, and another was dragged by a bull. According to CNN, the dragged runner was from Japan, and their “gender was not immediately released.” Uh, let me guess.
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Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are apparently negotiating a divorce settlement instead of going to court. Translation, they’re trying to figure out a number high enough for Katie to keep her mouth shut.
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Vikings RB Adrian Peterson was arrested Saturday night on a resisting arrest charge. Yet another NFL player wanting a trade to the Bengals?
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Be careful what you wish for department: Have to wonder, did anyone connected with the San Diego Fireworks fizzle say they thought their show should be the most watched in the country? If so, they did at least get their wish – over 4 million Youtube views now alone!
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Tom Cruise jokes, Vincente Padilla jokes, Wimbledon jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 6, 2012
The best thing about a July 4th week with two Mondays, is that it also has two Fridays.
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The Giants’ Aubrey Huff, hitting .155 and on the DL since June 13 with a sprained right knee, may have reinjured the knee during a rehab stint in San Jose. Wonder if Bruce Bochy sent someone to trip him?
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Mitt Romney raised about $100 million in June. Or as his billionaire backers call it – “pocket change.”
(Or as my friend Tony Alan Banks says – chump change?”)
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According to his brother, Alec Baldwin may indeed run for mayor of New York in 2014. Now that could mean a political debate worth watching – wonder how many rounds it might go?
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An alleged childhood abuse victim who admitted he punched the 67 year old Catholic priest who he said raped him, was found “not guilty” of felony assault and elder abuse. If convicted, prosecuters would have moved that he be placed in a cell with Jerry Sandusky.
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Google announced they are phasing out their iGoogle customization service. Wonder if Apple threatened them with an iLawsuit?
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Freddy Sanchez has had back surgery. Certainly ending any hopes of playing this season, and probably ending his career as a San Francisco Giant. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one.
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Bud Selig said that because attendance is up for MLB, there’s no need for instant replay. Uh, Bud, if baseball teams had a bench-clearing brawl per game attendance would probably go up further. Should we start encouraging those?
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Kansas City hasn’t been back to the playoffs since they won the 1985 World Series. This year, the city hosts the All-Star game, and ESPN has been interviewing frustrated Royals fans. Who are saying things like “Every year, they say this is going to be the year. And every year, this is not the case.” “Oh, STFU” responded Cubs fans.
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David Ortiz is still bitter about his contract with the Boston Red Sox, saying the teams’s offer of arbitration and resulting 1 year $14.5 million deal were “humiliating” and “embarrassing.” Really? $14.5 million?! Even Mitt Romney is calling Big Papi out of touch.
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Kobe Bryant wooed Steve Nash to Phoenix, LeBron James and Chris Paul are both working on Ray Allen. This isn’t an offseason, it’s the NBA version of “The Bachelor.”
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Due to a “computer malfuction,” San Diego’s fireworks show last night lasted all 15 seconds. The men behind it immediately apologized – “That’s never happened to us before.”
(or as Michael Duca says “pyromature …..”
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Ann Romney says her husband is looking at women as potential running mates. I think I speak for many Americans when I say, why not Sarah Palin again? (Of course, those Americans are all either Democrats or comedy writers.)
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, MLB jokes, San Diego fireworks jokes, Sandusky jokes
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July 2, 2012
A All-Star tale of two cities: SF Giants fans stuffed the ballot box and were happy to get three starters on the team. NY Yankees fans got three of their players named to the team and thought “we should have stuffed the ballot box.”
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At this point Buster Posey is likely to end up catching Mets knuckleballer R.A. Dickey. Hmm, maybe it was Yadier Molina and Carlos Ruiz who stuffed the ballot box for him.
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What is the “age of reason?” It might be 33. The age at which all of Tom Cruise’s wives have divorced him.
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The Tour de France started this weekend. Yet another event that most Americans no longer care about now that we have no chance of winning.
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Alec Baldwin married yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas over the weekend. By all accounts it was a lovely wedding. Except when out of habit Alec accidentally punched the photographer.
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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had a press conference about storm damage, but when a reporter asked a question on a different topic, responded “Did I say on topic? Are you stupid? On topic, on topic. Next question.” If Obama is re-elected, he could make Christie a bi-partisan advisor in charge of heckling.
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Senior Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom said today that the Governor agrees, the fee for not having insurance is a penalty and not a tax. After all, that’s what Mitt thought it was when he implemented Obamacare/Romneycare in Massachusetts.
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Anderson Cooper is the latest public figure to come out of the closet. Well, now that Tom Cruise is single…..
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Michael Phelps has dropped the 200 freestyle for London, meaning he will only have a chance for 7 golds at the 2012 Olympics. Slacker.
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A new study has found the more coffee you drink, the more you may be protecting yourself against skin cancer. Well, makes sense, the more time you spend in line at Starbucks the less time you are out in the sun.
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From my friend Rich Lieberman: CONSERVATIVE REMINDER: The government can draft you and force you to serve in war but asking you to buy insurance if you can is overreach.
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First Dwight Howard wanted to be traded, then he wanted to stay with the Orlando Magic, now he wants to be traded again. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your mind.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, All-Star jokes, Janice Hough, Tom Cruise jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 1, 2012
The wonders of ballot stuffing: Pablo Sandoval named an All-Star starter. Now I love Panda. But the best 3rd baseman in the National League? Some days he’s not even the best 3rd baseman on the SF Giants.
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Maybe three starters voted in does at least confirm the San Francisco Bay Area’s position as the U.S. leader in technology?
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After Rush Limbaugh’s statements on moving over Obamacare there are reports of Costa Rica beefing up their border patrol.
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Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is requesting federal disaster relief for losses incurred this year by Wisconsin fruit tree growers and maple syrup producers. Some of these GOP Governors deal with the federal government like teenagers with their parents – “get out of my life, but give me money.”
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Florida Governor Rick Scott says the state will not comply with Obamacare. Tough words from a man whose hospital chain was convicted of Medicare fraud and paid a $900 MILLION fine.
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Kevin Garnett, who was considering retirement, has decided to return to the Boston Celtics. “What’s the rush?” said Brett Favre.
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How did Mitt Romney ever get the reputation as an elitist? “I want to make sure that we keep America a place of opportunity, where everyone has a fair shot. They get as much education as they can afford…”
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Boise State has formerly announced their intention to leave the Mountain West Conference. The Broncos hope to join San Diego State in being in the Big East in football and the Big West in other sports. And they wonder why athletes have trouble with geography.
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SF 49ers star rookie Aldon Smith apparently sustained minor injuries when he was stabbed at a party near San Jose. This comes five months after a DUI in Florida. What’s Smith trying to do? Get traded to the Bengals?
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NBC is planning a live broadcast of the musical “The Sound of Music.” And millions of men hearing that said “Honey, that seems like a great night to go shopping.”
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4-0 for Spain over Italy to win the Euro Cup. Four goals, really? Somebody check Kiev’s humidor.
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From my friend Rich Lieberman, (not sure if original or forwarded.) “CONSERVATIVE REMINDER: The government can draft you and force you to serve in war but asking you to buy insurance if you can is overreach.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All Star voting jokes, All-Star jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 2 Comments
June 30, 2012
Forget the Supreme Court healthcare decision, here’s the news that many Americans will really care about: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are apparently divorcing. (I blame Obama.)
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Responded my friend Sonia Mogha “What, I’m moving to Canada.”
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The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes marriage lasted 5 years. That’s a lifetime in Kardashian years.
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All these people complaining about the cost of Obamacare. Where were they when George W. Bush decided to start a trillion dollar war?
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Now it looks like Penn State officials exchanged emails in ultimately decided not to go to the authorites about Jerry Sandusky in 2001. Even the New Orleans Saints know the Nittany Lions football program is in deep trouble.
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Republicans are already starting attacks on Obamacare. To save money, they’re considering just recycling anti-Romney ads from Massachusetts.
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Mark your calendars for October 3. First presidential debate. Can’t wait to see Mittens discuss constitutionality of Romneycare.
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If a Republican was President, the GOP would be hailing the individual mandate as a way to get Americans to take responsibility for their own healthcare.
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Contrary to popular opinion, the GOP powers-that-be are not that unhappy with Justice John Roberts. In fact they just sent him an invitation for an all-expense-paid hunting trip with Dick Cheney
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-For those distracted by the end of Tom-Kat, Dominique Strauss-Kahn and his wife Anne Sinclair may also have separated, after a year where Strauss-Kahn was first charged with rape, and then with involvement in a prostitution ring. And who saw that coming?
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Never judge a book by its cover: Adorable little girl in the airport lounge playing a video game. Exclamation of joy. Figure it’s something cute. She happily shows me her screen – the game is “Plague” and she’s eradicating the world with a virus.
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Stocks posted a huge rally after news of a Eurozone deal. Beginning to think the most important person in this presidential election may be Angela Merkel.
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from Jim Barach: Attorney General Eric Holder has been held in contempt of Congress. To which most Americans are asking “who isn’t in contempt of Congress?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, John Roberts jokes, Katie Holmes jokes, obamacare jokes, Tom Cruise divorce jokes, Tom Cruise jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 28, 2012
At the time of this posting, before 1am in California, no one really knows how the Supreme Court will rule at 10:00am ET on Obamacare. One thing we know for certain, at 7:01am ET Fox News will declare the verdict to be bad news for the President.
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Referring to the upcoming Supreme Court healthcare decision, Mitt Romney said ““My guess is they’re not sleeping real well at the White House tonight. ” Of course Mitt is sleeping the relaxed sleep of someone who knows he’s got both sides of the issue covered.
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The voice of experience on that healthcare mandate: “First we established incentives for those who were uninsured to buy insurance. Using tax penalties, as we did, or tax credits, as others have proposed, encourages “free riders” to take responsibility for themselves rather than pass their medical costs on to others. This doesn’t cost the govt a single dollar” Mitt Romney, USA Today Op-ed 2009
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Many SF Giants fans thought a start against a Triple A was what Tim Lincecum needed to break out of his slump. Or as it turned out, the Los Angeles Dodgers. Same difference.
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“Down they go, down into depths unimaginable just a few weeks ago, down where light is reduced to a flicker.” A melodramatic novel? Nope, Steve Dilbeck, Los Angeles Times baseball writer, after the Dodgers were shut out for the third game in a row against the SF Giants.
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The FDA approved Belvig, a new diet drug. Wednesday, although it only has been shown to result in modest weight loss. One cheaper alternative, a large generic plastic pill, to be held indefiinitely between the lips.
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The president of Greece will travel on Aegean Air in economy class to a European Union summit this week. “Good move” said Angela Merkel. “What’s economy class?” asked Mitt Romney?
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A new study finds that drinking at least two cups of coffee a day lowers people’s risk of heart failure. Especially since that makes them too jittery to be sedentary.
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Rielle Hunter’s latest “I’m not a mistress, I’m a mom.” Guess Rielle wasn’t a big fan of those “If A then B” logic puzzles in school.
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The PGA Tour is moving to a year round schedule starting October 2013. You know what that means? All Tiger, All the time.
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Kate Upton and her film crew were kicked off Santa Monica pier when they got on a ride and her one-piece swimsuit broke and fell off. Kate is reportedly now sorting through the invitations to visit dozens of other U.S. amusement parks.
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One of this week’s Groupon type deals is half price Botox? Really? You’re going to have a potential toxin injected into your face and you want the bargain basement version? Not that I’m a fan of the Botox idea in general, but sounds about as appealing as day-old sushi.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, obamacare jokes, Supreme Court jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 27, 2012
If there’s a heaven, it is no doubt a funnier place tonight. And wonder who will be to say that to Nora Ephron. –
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One of my favorite Ephron quotes: ““Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.”
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On November 16, 2008, the President-elect appeared on CBS’ 60 Minutes and called for a college football playoff. So once again, tonight we blame Obama. –
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Following Obama’s “thank you” to Boston for trading Kevin Youlikis to the White Sox, Mitt Romney’s campaign accused the President of choosing to “mock” Red Sox fans “when the team is struggling.” But Boston is now over .500 and has won 7 of 10. Sounds like Mitt is as in touch with baseball as he is with the rest of the country.
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Train wreck update: Rielle Hunter has announced that “as of the end of last week, John Edwards and I are no longer a couple,” saying “media scrutiny” had worn them down. Gosh, wonder if a tour for a “tell-all” book had anything to do with that?
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Even Kim Kardashian is starting to think that Rielle Hunter is a media whore.
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Egypt’s new president Mohamed Morsi apparently will appoint a woman as vice president. And yet another country jumps ahead of the U.S.
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Tumi, the high-end luggage, briefcase, handbag manufacture, is now advertising a $495 carrier for your small pet. And we wonder why other countries hate us?
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The San Diego Padres (27-47)), beat the Houston Astros (30-43), 8 to 7 Monday night in 10 innings. Wonder how many of the announced crowd of 14,483 (includes season tickets sold) were left at game’s end?
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Jamie Moyer is heading to Toronto. Good for him but what a waste with the timing – Moyer gets into the Canadian healthcare system just when he would have been eligible for Medicare.
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Will this make Moyer the first Toronto “Gray Jay?”
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The real reason Jamie Moyer signed with the Toronto Blue Jays? He always wanted to play with that “nice young man,” Omar Vizquel.
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My friend Ben Burnett’s comment “Toronto signed 49-year-old left-hander Jamie Moyer to a minor league contract, according to a report on the team’s website late Monday……his fastball sounds great if you convert to metric.”
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Mitt Romney has a t-shirt design contest for supporters. Presumably the winning entry will have different and opposing slogans on each side?
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The NBA fined Amare Stoudemire $50,000 after he tweeted a response to a fan using an expletive and a gay slur. Smartphones really should come with a warning: “Caution, engage brain before putting fingers in gear.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Jamie Moyer jokes. Romney jokes, Janice Hough, moyer jokes, Nora Ephron jokes, Rielle Hunter jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
June 26, 2012
BCS Presidential oversight committee members have a meeting scheduled until 10pm Tuesday so they have time to approve a proposed four-team college football playoff. Why so late? Presumably so they can stay as long as it takes to assure at least one and maybe two SEC teams get in that playoff.
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There were men with bats who had clearly stolen the SF Giants’ uniforms Monday night and were holding the real team in an undisclosed location.
Seriously what was more unlikely. Barry Zito giving up no runs, or the Giants scoring 8?
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Sarah Palin’s back on the “death panel” rant, saying “Obamacare did in fact create a panel of faceless bureaucrats who have the power to make life and death decisions about health care funding.” Uh Sarah, we already had those, they’re called “insurance companies.”
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Marlon Byrd, recently released by the Red Sox, tested positive for a PED and was suspended 50 games. He says “It was an inexcusable mistake, resulting from a medication for a “private condition,” and he did not use the drug as a PED. Just once I want to hear a player say “Yep, I was trying to cheat, you caught me.”
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The Supreme Court upheld the part of the Arizona immigration law that allows police to check a person’s immigration status if “reasonable suspicion” exists that the person is in the United States illegally. Hmm, this means it could be dangerous to wear a Maple Leaf or cheer too loudly for the Phoenix Coyotes.
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Justice Antonin Scalia dissented from today’s Supreme Court ruling on Arizona, and suggested President Obama and the federal govt do not want to enforce their own immigration laws. Wonder how he’d feel if the govt had tight restrictions, on say, Sicilians, in the 1930s. (Scalia’s father came over as a grad student, his mother was the child of immigrants.)
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Kevin Youkilis has been traded from the Red Sox to the White Sox. The hardest part about this? All his friends and family won’t be able to watch “Youk” play every other week on ESPN or Fox when Boston plays the New York Yankees.
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A passenger on a Kenya Air flight from Amsterdam to Tanzania received a partial refund after she had to fly across the aisle from passenger who died of a heart attack. (The cabin crew had wrapped his body in blankets and laid him across 3 seats.) Although many travelers who’ve flown next to to drunks and obnoxious children would prefer the dead body.
Adds T.C. “Watch for Kenya Air ads to claim “People are dying to fly with us
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Mitt Romney, after dodging initial questions on the Arizona immigration decision, finally said he would have preferred the Supreme Court give more latitude to the states, not less. Does that mean as President he’d support states’ medical marijuana and gay marriage laws?
Anonymous joke passed on by my friend David. “A judge today denied Jerry Sandusky’s request to serve his sentence in juvenile hall.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, immigration jokes, Janice Hough, Supreme Court jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 25, 2012
“Lonesome George,” the last Galapagos tortoise of his subspecies, died last weekend at the approximate age of 100. Or as Larry King said, “So young.”
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Some lawyers think Jerry Sandusky has grounds for an inadequate counsel appeal after his attorney Joe Amendola said he’d “die of a heart attack” if his client were acquitted of all charges. Uh, “inadequate counsel,” or being so guilty even your lawyer knows it?
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But really, even if Sandusky’s case is overturned on appeal, who’s the former coach going to find to represent him. Even John Edwards is thinking “This guy is a sleazy douchebag.”
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From Gary M. ” Sandusky is hoping to be assigned to a minimum security seminary.”
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Many Americans on both sides of the aisle are anxiously awaiting the Supreme Court ruling on Obamacare. Got to love it, such a major decision on our nation’s healthcare will be made by nine men and women with jobs, and benefits, for life.
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Mitt Romney is spending the weekend in Park City at his “Victory Leadership Retreat” for donors who have contributed at least $50,000 to the campaign. Privately Mitt refers to this as his middle-class outreach program.
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Random midnight thought: If Kindles and other E-readers take over from paper volumes, what happens to book signings?
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A 6,000-acre fire south of Salt Lake City was believed to have started at a target-shooting range. The NRA immediately put out a statement: Guns don’t start fires, people start fires.
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Walking into Home Depot gives me an idea of how men must feel walking into a Sephora.
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Rick Perry, on Obama’s first use of executive privilege: “You have a president who is using his executive privilege to keep information from Congress. If that’s not Nixonian, then I don’t know what is.” Uh, where was the Texas governor when George W. Bush was invoking his executive privilege… six times?
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Jeopardy’s Alex Trebek is expected to make a full recovery after a mild heart attack. This fortunately despite a slight delay when the 911 operator asked him to phrase his request in the form of a question.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Sandusky jokes, Supreme Court jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
June 23, 2012
Jerry Sandusky will probably be assigned to the geriatric unit of a minimum security prison. We can only hope it’s not solitary confinement.
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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer told reporters today he would be shocked and “die of a heart attack” if the ex-coach were acquitted on all counts. Heck, after hearing the testimony, he’s probably shocked Sandusky even got bail.
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You can’t make this stuff up, Friday edition: A 46 yr. old mom was sentenced to probation, parenting classes and banned from Nordstrom’s for leaving her 11 wk old twins in the car while she returned purchases. The part you can’t make up, her job is program director at the Bay Area Surrogacy Program, providing professional advice to new parents.
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Well, at least the Jerry Sandusky verdict got Lebron and the Heat off the sports front page.
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And for that matter, “poor” Rielle Hunter. The Sandusky verdict Friday night made it a bad weekend for to be a media whore on a book tour.
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Rielle Hunter is saying she has no regrets about her affair with John Edwards. Duh. The woman is so publicity and money hungry, she’s been made an honorary Kardashian.
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Charlie Sheen, who is returning to television in FX’s new “Anger Management,” says It’s “I’m done playing a drunken, womanizing, immature character. This time I’m playing an adult.” But enough about his life, what’s the show about?
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Mary Cheney married her longtime partner Heather Poe today. Fox News is trying to figure out how to blame this on Obama.
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The Heat partied until 6am at the Fountainebleau Hotel after their championship win last night. No wonder Miami was so set on winning at home. Only place open until 600a in Oklahoma City probably is an IHOP.
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Some are saying that this year’s NBA finals mark the beginning of a long rivalry between the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Miami Heat. Meanwhile in Seattle and Cleveland they’re joining together for the NBA version of the “First Wives Club.”
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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Jerry Sandusky jokes, Miami Heat jokes, NBA jokes, Rielle Hunter jokes, Sandusky trial jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
June 22, 2012
As the Heat won the championship. The 2012-13 preseason starts Friday.
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Back briefly to football….
Ryan Leaf said at his sentencing “I’m lazy, selfish and dishonest.” Was he talking about why he should be sent to prison, or announcing a future run for Congress?
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Lebron James, 27, said of winning his first NBA championship “It’s about damn time.” And Jason Kidd, 39, who won his first with Dallas last year, responded “Kid, get off my damn court.”
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You could tell the Miami Heat felt they had the game and the series well in hand – they put in a white guy.
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And there were signs that it was clearly Miami’s day to grab the headlines. Even starting this morning across the country as the temperature hit 100 degrees in places, people were saying. “I just can’t stand the Heat.”
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David Ortiz said of Boston “It’s starting to become the s—hole that it used to be,” and complained that there’s too much media-driven drama. Well that ought to quiet things down….
According to EW, American Idol season 11 runner-up Jessica Sanchez, 16, will appear in several episodes of the upcoming season of Glee. Wow. An actual teenager on the high-school show.
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A Texas grand jury declined to press charges against a father who killed a man he found molesting his 5 year old daughter. Offers are also pouring for the guy to have an all-expense paid trip to State College, PA.
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Just when you thought it couldn’t get any grosser. Jerry Sandusky’s adopted son, Matt Sandusky, said through his lawyer today that he finally told prosecutors this week that his adoptive father molested him too….. This guy gives douchebags a bad name.
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An East Coast man is being treated this morning for a bullet wound to the penis. Unfortunately, it isn’t Jerry Sandusky.
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Tampa Bay Rays reliever Joel Peralta has been suspended eight games for having a foreign substance found on his glove. “Amateur,” sniffed Gaylord Perry.
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Twitter was offline for an hour Thursday morning. The horror. Millions of Americans were actually forced to resort to updating their Facebook pages. (Or even worse, actually work.)
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Kris Humphries is now reportedly claiming that Kris Jenner told her daughter Kim Kardashian’s to make her sex tape. Oh come on, what kind of a publicity hungry monster mom would you have to be to….oops, never mind.
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Two prosecutors in Illinois have refused to defend the state’s gay marriage ban. So where’s the applause from small-government types for their decision not to waste taxpayer dollars?
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Jon Gosselin, who wanted to shun the spotlight and fame, has now given an interview to People Magazine apologizing for behaving badly to his ex-wife Kate. Hmm, sounds like someone has decided he misses his “15 minutes.”
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Despite Plaxico Burress’s professed interest in playing for the Carolina Panthers, a source reportedly told the Charlotte Observer that the team isn’t interested. But Burress is so talented, surely someone will take a shot at him?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Heat jokes, Janice Hough, Miami Heat jokes, ryan leaf jokes, Sandusky jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 21, 2012
The BCS commissioners along with Notre Dame’s AD say they are working on a 4 team playoff for a football national championship . Presumably they will release the format as soon as they decide whether the Fighting Irish should be eligible with 3 or as many as 4 losses.
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The WBO review had all 5 judges on their review agree Manny Pacquiao beat Timothy Bradley’s. but they will not overturn the official result. And Pacquiao himself says he prefers a rematch over a reversal. Which will net all involved millions of dollars. How could anyone imagine that boxing is fixed?
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Wednesday afternoon score – Arizona 14, Seattle 10. So who started the NFL preseason when I wasn’t looking? –
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Mitt Romney’s sons said tonight on Conan they tried to convince their dad not to run. So Mitt wants us to believe he’ll listen to ordinary Americans? He won’t even listen to his family.
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Larry Ellison has purchased 98% of the island of Lanai. Wonder how long it will take for him to announce his plans for domination of the other Hawaiian islands?
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Cory Booker was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno this week. Booker, the charismatic mayor of Newark, achieved superhero status in many minds when he ran into a burning building to save a woman.
Of course, if President Obama had done the same thing, Republicans would accuse him of too much government involvement interfering with hardworking firefighters.
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More in the “Crazy States Derby:” Arizona making a move with Sec. of State Ken Bennett, modifying the birther controversy: “I actually think he (Obama) was fibbing about being born in Kenya when he was trying to get into college and doing things like writing a book and on and on and on.”
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UConn is the only major men’s basketball program among 7 who are ineligble for post-season play based on low APRs (Academic Progress Rate). Only Hampton, North Carolina A & T and Texas Southern are banned in football. So the rest of the schools are doing fine with their student athletes….? Wonder how the NCAA sent out the press release with a straight face.
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Oil prices fell to an eight-month low today. Wonder which airline will be the first to somehow figure out a way to use that news to raise the fuel surcharge. –
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After New York mayor Bloomberg proposed a ban on large sugary sodas, the mayor of Cambridge, Mass. announced she wants to ban both large sugary beverages AND free refills. Your move, San Francisco.
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Drew Brees is being criticized for tweeting “If NFL fans were told there were ‘weapons of mass destruction’ enough times, they’d believe it.” Maybe what Brees should have tweeted was that Goodell thinks by punishing the Saints his campaign to stop players attempting deliberately injuring each other will be “mission accomplished.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, BCS playoff jokes, boxing jokes, Janice Hough, Larry Ellison jokes, NCAA jokes, Saints jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 20, 2012
Starting off on the bus to hell….
Jerry Sandusky’s wife testified in his defense today, saying boys regularly stayed over at their house and that her husband would regularly “go down and tell them goodnight.” Maybe she should have gotten a little suspicious when the bedtime reading he brought downstairs was “Caligula.”
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Another “Eww” moment for the morning: This line from Jerry Sandusky’s interview with Bob Costas was not aired, but may be used in prosecutors’ closing arguments: “And I didn’t go around seeking out every young person for sexual needs that I’ve helped” “Every?”
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More “you can’t make this ‘stuff’ up.” Bristol Palin, complaining to a friend after moving to Los Angeles: “I have a ton of cameras on me and a ton of paparazzi. This is not fair. This is not fun.” This sad quote also captured on camera, during the filming of Bristol’s new reality tv show.
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Optimistic SF Giants fans may be thinking now that Barry Zito has apparently returned to form, maybe Tim Lincecum will return to HIS form.
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Texas Rangers announcer Dave Barnett will undergo a medical evaluation after giving a rambling description of a baseball game that included a mention of a runner being on “fifth base.” And a lot of Texas football fans heard this and said “And his problem was?”
Even Chris Webber watching Russell Westbrook make that stupid foul at the end of game three had to be thinking “Learn how to count, bro.”
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Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. We are not sure about Hosni Mubarak.
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20-200 hindsight? John Boehner criticized Obama’s new immigration policy saying it will “make it much more difficult for us to work in a bipartisan way to get to a permanent solution.” on the Dream Act. But in April, Boehner said “We’re operating in a very hostile political environment. To deal with a very difficult issue like this, I think it would be difficult at best.”
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Alec Baldwin is facing allegations he punched a NY Daily News photographer yesterday morning. Well, and who saw that one coming? Next we’ll hear that Lindsay Lohan was in a car accident.
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Ohio State star Jared Sullinger apparently has been medically flagged by NBA doctors who worry about issues with his back. Wow. This is the kind of thing that normally would have come out only after he was drafted by the Golden State Warriors. –
A nude model who was arrested for posing in body-paint in Time Square is now suing the city claiming her civil rights were violated. This might be the first case in recorded history where men fight to get into jury duty.
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Congrats to Ann Romney for having a horse going to the Olympics to compete in dressage. But can you image the outcry from the GOP if the Obamas had a daughter competing in “elite” equestrian events?
It’s happened again – A woman was kicked off Southwest Airlines for showing too much cleavage. She ended up with an apology from the airline, and a lot of messages from men who wanted to know the number and date of her next flight.
(And back on the bus to hell note, Augie adds – “I always like to sit next to women with an abundance of cleavage for safety reasons. .. in case of an emergency water landing.”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bristol Palin jokes, Janice Hough, jerry sandusky trial jokes, NBA jokes, Sandusky jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 19, 2012
A lesson from the Roger Clemens trial, if you are going to take something illegal, make sure your supplier is sleazy enough that no matter how tarnished your reputation gets, you still stay more credible than him.
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In a jailhouse phone call, George Zimmerman urged his wife to buy a bulletproof vest. Shame no one told Trayvon Martin to get one too.
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The REALLY rich are really different. Witness Ann Romney’s dressage horse Rafalca, now going to the Olympics. And somehow the Romney’s claimed a $77,000 tax deduction in 2010 for their share of the horse’s care and feeding. No joke.
(I’m trying to figure out how to write off my cats.)
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A recent NY Times/CBS News poll found that 75 % Americans believe Supreme Court justices have their decisions influenced by their political beliefs. Shocking. That means 25% actually think they don’t.
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Rielle Hunter now claims she wrote a tell-all book about her relationship with John Edwards just because their daughter Frances should have “have one entirely truthful public account of how she came into the world.” Or at least enough money for years of therapy.
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Sounds like Rielle’s book will if anything make John Edwards look even worse than he does now. Somewhere Elizabeth has to be smirking.
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You think you had a bad travel day. A tourist from Wales had his car break down in London near the Houses of Parliament, left a note that a towing company was on the way, and went to go sightseeing in the meantime. Anti-terrorist police, however, saw the car, deemed it a security risk, and blew it up. (Oh yeah, and he also got a parking ticket.)
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Roger Clemens was found not guilty today. Only good thing you can say about this expensive complete snafu from our government, at least unlike the WMD fiasco, nobody died.
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Ah, priorities. Urban Meyer’s contract at Ohio State provides a base salary of $700,000; a “transition” payment of $250,000; $1,850,000 a year for “media responsibilities” and $1.4 million a year from OSU’s Nike contract. Now, the team’s GPA last year was 2.8. Meyer gets $50,000 if they raise it to a cumulative 3.0 GPA.
The prosecution has rested in the Jerry Sandusky trial. Wonder if they convict this sleazeball if the jurors will say “You had me at ‘showers.'”
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Part of Jerry Sandusky’s defense is having another Penn State assistant coach testify that other coaches also showered with boys. What were they running at State College, a football program or a Catholic priory?
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President Obama has apparently selected John Kerry to play Mitt Romney in practice debates. Well, and who better to give Obama practice against someone who has taken both sides on most issues?
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The Rolling Stones say they will perform their very last farewell gig at Glastonbury in 2013. And if the band changes their mind afterwards, they can claim they forgot their promise.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Roger Clemens jokes, Sandusky trial jokes, Urban Meyer jokes, Zimmerman jokes
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June 18, 2012
First the disclaimer, I know the Olympic Club greens are designed to be extremely difficult. But the final round of the U.S. Open is making a lot of the nation’s top golfers look like boozy vacationers on a mini-golf course.
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Not saying the course’s designers were into causing pain, but the video of the tournament may be subtitled “Fifty Shades of Green.”
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Watching Webb Simpson accept the trophy this evening in foggy San Francisco, casual golf fans had to be wondering, “Wait a minute, is this the British Open?”
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Earlier in the day at the Open, however, the story was all Woods, as he started with three bogies and a double bogey through the first five holes. Meaning a possible headline was “Tiger in the Tank.”
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Many are beginning to realize, Tiger didn’t have such problems putting balls in the hole when he was putting…. oh, anyone reading this doesn’t need me to finish the sentence.
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The unemployment rate in Ohio has FALLEN for 10th months in a row. And campaigning today in the Buckeye State Mitt Romney said none of this is Obama’s fault.
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You know baby boomers are aging differently than past generations – when you see an advertisement for “Silhouette” by Depends. With the tagline “Looks, Fit & Feels Like Real Underwear” – and a photo of actress Lisa Rinna in a clingy sleeveless black dress.
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Last weekend in Northern California, a two-alarm fire destroyed the Los Altos office of a psychic business. Uh, shouldn’t they have seen that coming?
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The IOC is now investigating allegations that their authorized agents are involved in a black market Olympic ticket scandal. Isn’t that like putting foxes in charge of investigating a theft from the henhouse?
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On “Face the Nation,” Mitt Romney criticized President Obama’s decision to stop deporting some young undocumented immigrants, but three times refused to say if he would overturn it. Really? All Mitt had to do was answer the question, and then say he had changed his mind tomorrow.
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How long until the national media picks up this one. As reported by the SF Chronicle. To settle a lawsuit and keep the America’s Cup, San Francisco has agreed to spend $150,000 to study whether the big racing sailboats will scare birds on the bay.
(as my friend Dave R. says “The answer is yes, send me my $150,000.”)
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Bristol Palin told Sean Hannity this week that someday she might decide to run for office. And a generation of aspiring comics responded “Thank you, Jesus.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Fifty shades jokes, Janice Hough, Olympic club jokes, Olympic jokes, Romney jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, U.S. Open jokes
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June 16, 2012
Or as they say in the NBA, so many baby mamas, so little time.
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This Father’s Day quote from D’backs manager Kirk Gibson as to why he was missing his son’s high school graduation. “You’re supposed to graduate. His mom and the rest of the family will be there. He’s coming to see me next week.”‘ Hope Gibson remembers this if he’s dying in a hospital some day.
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A Saturday with flashes of brilliance, but ultimately sub-par performances:. Wasn’t that long ago that Tiger Woods and Tim Lincecum would have loved to have been compared to each other.
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Never thought I could hit a shot like Tiger Woods. On the 18th out of the rough today, maybe I could have. (for those who didn’t see it, the ball went about 6 feet.)
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So quiet during the U.S. Open with all cellphones and cameras banned – the only sounds while golfers are driving and putting come from the birds. Wonder how long it will take someone on the tour to try to ban birds.
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Beau Hossler, 17, is amongst the leaders at the U.S. Open, even though he’s only an amateur and a junior in high school. And across the country other high school juniors are thinking “and we have to compete for college admission with this guy?”
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The Boston Red Sox put Josh Beckett on the 15-day DL with shoulder inflammation. Maybe he misses the conditioning routine of those bent arm beer curls.
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A angry letter in the local Palo Alto paper claimed that Obama’s decision to allow children of illegal immigrants to stay in this country was just a shameless attempt to buy votes, as they would then vote for him to keep their work permits. Uh, one thing – If they are illegals, they can’t vote. –
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That’ll teach them. Two Ohio State players, both projected starters, were arrested for urinating on a building and fleeing police officers. Coach Urban Meyer removed their athletic scholarships for the summer, but has said they can work their way back on scholarship and onto the team in time for the start of season..
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You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up: Journalist Neil Munro interrupted President Obama yesterday and yelled “What about American workers who are unemployed while you import foreigners? But Munro himself is an Irish citizen holding a green card that allows him to work in the U.S.
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A vendor at the San Diego County fair is now offering deep fried cereal. (Trix, for example.) Well, you’ve got to eat something for breakfast before you start on the deep-fried Twinkies.
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Mitt Romney, average American, now has a personal stake in the London Olympics. Nope, not a relative competing, but Ann’s horse Rafalca (and trainer, Jan Ebeling) have qualified for the U.S. dressage team.
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For those of us whose sons haven’t played Little League for a while. Remember those “inside the park home runs” that didn’t make it out of the infield? http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/mlb-big-league-stew/circus-music-rockies-miscues-turn-miguel-cabrera-grounder-003737569–mlb.html
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: fathers day jokes, Janice Hough, Tiger Woods jokes, U.S. Open jokes, Urban Meyer jokess
Comments: 3 Comments
June 16, 2012
Tiger Woods is tied for the lead after two rounds of the U.S. Open. Well, good for him. Tiger Woods is tied for the lead after two rounds of the U.S. Open. Well, good for him. It must have been a hard adjustment the last couple years with his fall in the rankings and the subsequent loss of media attention….
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Although he has served his second 50 game suspension, Manny Ramirez is a free agent after being released by the Oakland As today. Prospective teams are weighing the advantages and disadvantages of having the quixotic slugger on their roster, as well as the potential costs of prenatal care.
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Phil Jackson said today he wouldn’t coach the New York Knicks — even if the team asked. Well, duh, they don’t have a major superstar and aren’t favorites to win next year’s championship. –
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Some parents are upset because an age 10-14 girls volleyball tournament this weekend will be in the same San Jose convention center as the medical marijuana convention HempCon. Well, it’s not like the girls would be around a really dangerous group, like teachers.
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Bryce Harper is playing his first series with the Nationals against the Yankees this weekend. Wonder if anyone with New York has asked Bryce what number he wants when he signs his free agent contract.
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Just in case anyone was thinking the U.S. has a monopoly on political gaffes, this remark in a radio interview about Euro Cup 2012 from Andrzej Bojanowski, the Deputy Mayor of Gdansk, Poland: “I thank residents and city employees for behaving like normal civilised white people toward our guests who have in turn also behaved like normal white people.”
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Tim Pawlenty is campaigning with Mitt Romney, which is fueling V.P. speculation. Wow. We could have a Biden-Pawlenty debate. For millions of Americans this could be better than Ambien.
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MLB today denied the New York Mets’ request to have the one hit in R.A. Dickey’s gem Wednesday changed to an error. Considering the amount of chalk that “foul” ball kicked up in Santana’s “no-hitter,” I am surprised the ruling didn’t come with a “P.S. You really don’t want us to revisit these things.”
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Neil Munro, a reporter for the Daily Caller, twice interrupted President Obama’s immigration statement today. Tucker Carlson, his editor at the conservative website, said later “Reporters are there to ask questions. No politician wants to answer questions, but that’s not our concern.” Wonder what he would have said if someone from MSNBC interrupted Romney?
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In Central Florida, a male assistant girl’s’ high school basketball coach was fired for sending “several text messages to a female student that contained inappropriate sexual comments.” Uh, with a coach and student are there any “appropriate” sexual comments?
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Oxymoron for the day – “Common sense.”
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The Los Angeles Kings had their Stanley Cup Parade yesterday. Not to say the city isn’t a big hockey town but one of the most common reactions from Angelinos was “this is awesome, what are we celebrating again?”
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Starting today D1 basketball coaches will be able to make unlimited calls and send unlimited texts to recruits who have completed their sophomore year of high school. Wonder who pushed harder for this change, the coaches, or A T & T and Verizon?
The new rule will make things mostly easier for coaches, except for those who will actually need to learn how to text.
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From Bill Littlejohn: Bob Arum, the promoter for both Manny Pacquiao and Timothy Bradley, is asking Nevada officials for a full investigation into the controversial scoring of their championship fight in Las Vegas. Isn’tthat like Nixon asking for an investigation into Watergate?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Janice Hough, New York jokes
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June 14, 2012
London’s Olympic Opening Ceremony is so about giving visitors an authentic English experience that it will feature artificial clouds that can actually make rain. Wonder if volunteers will also sport blacked out teeth.
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I know it’s “innocent until proven guilty.” But this Sandusky case definitely makes me want to make a “Mercy rule” exception – as in “We’ve heard enough and the victims don’t have to keep talking about it.”.) –
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The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency is now bringing doping charges against Lance Armstrong, threatening to strip his Tour de France victories. Well, guess they’ve got to do something now that the Roger Clemens trial is almost over.
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Madonna is still dealing with controversy after she exposed a nipple during an Istanbul concert. In the “Material Girl’s” defense, she had asked for the cameras and lights only to be trained on her from the waist up.
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Federal prosecutors have decided not to retry John Edwards after his first trial ended in a hung jury. This will save taxpayer $$$, and besides, prosecutors figure that John’s having to deal with “baby mama” Rielle Hunter for the rest of his life is punishment enough.
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A London hotel advertisement talks about “London’s sporting spectacular” this summer. “Sporting spectacular?” Sounds like the Olympics keep the same tight legal control of their name as the Super Bowl. (In the U.S., most ads have to talk about the “Big Game” or something.)
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Get out the violins. Boxer Floyd Mayweather already had his 3 month sentence for domestic violence postponed so he could fight on May 5. Now his lawyer wants the sentence changed to house arrest, because Floyd’s “boxing career is in jeopardy… Along with being subjected to the poor prison food, he is getting out of shape.”
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Kobe and Vanessa Bryant’s divorce has been put on hold. Wonder how many million reasons Kobe gave her to stay together? –
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Bristol Palin’s latest realty show, “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp,” debuts next week. And Bristol says it will show America she’s just “grounded, normal mom.” Of course, don’t most normal teen moms do a series of television shows?
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Wonder before tonight what would have been the longer odds in Las Vegas. On Matt Cain throwing a perfect game, or on the SF Giants scoring 10 runs?
(In all seriousness, before Tuesday night, SF Giants had hit seven home runs at home in 2012. They hit five in the last two days.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bristol Palin jokes, Floyd Mayweather jokes, Janice Hough, Kobe Bryant jokes, Olympic jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 14, 2012
These jokes temporarily interrupted by perfection.
Anyone still awake in Bristol at ESPN tonight? Pretty perfect night in San Francisco.
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As of this morning, the big story in SF was Madison Bumgarner striking out 12 and hitting a home run. Until Matt Cain pitched. Your move, Barry Zito.
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Before the Giants game today, as part of this week’s U.S. Open festivities, Matt Cain hit a golf ball off a tee at home plate. The ball went into McCovey Cove. I think I see a new pre-game ritual coming on.
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Hard to believe a few months ago there were those who questioned the Giants’ choosing to give a long term contract to Matt Cain over Tim Lincecum.
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Until tonight there was one perfect game in MLB history with 14 strikeouts. Sandy Koufax September 9th, 1965 against the Cubs. Now there are two.
Categories: baseball jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Matt Cain perfect game
Comments: 4 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 