Posted tagged ‘Janice Hough’
November 16, 2012
Nancy Pelosi says she will stay on as House Minority Leader because much work remains to be done. And if anyone knows about having work done, it’s Rep. Pelosi.
In Cincinnati, a judge offered to let a 19-year old man stay out of prison if he gave up marijuana, and his response was that he would try, but could he “at least get one more joint in?” Can’t imagine how pot gets the reputation for inhibiting short-term memory and critical thinking.
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Hostess Brands is now saying they will liquidate the company if striking workers don’t come back to work. Fortunately the Twinkies and Ding Dongs already made have enough preservatives to outlast most of our lifetimes.
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Who knew, in today’s U.S. Army that 3:00am phone call might be a booty call?
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United Airlines had a major computer problem for two hours this morning that is still delaying flights. Coming soon, a computer maintenance fee?
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BP agreed to a $4.5 BILLION settlement for the Gulf oil spill. Wonder how much extra that will add to the price for a gallon of gas?
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U.S. Tennessee Rep. Scott DesJarlais of Tennessee, already under fire for allegedly pressuring his mistress to have an abortion, testified during divorce proceedings that he and his former wife made a “mutual” decision for her to have two abortions. This is a man who on his website said: “All life should be cherished and protected. We are pro-life.”
Except of course, when it isn’t convenient for us.
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MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is apparently “examining” the pending trade between the Miami Marlins and Toronto Blue Jays. What, to find out why the Marlins didn’t make the deal with the Yankees?
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Things are so bad with the Miami Marlins that there is even talk of contracting the baseball team. When asked about it, many South Floridians responded “We have a baseball team?”
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Apparently the Army has suspended the security clearance of General Petraeus’s former mistress Paula Broadwell. Presumably they are also locking barn doors while they try to round up the horses.
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What do these four names have in common? Timothy Beckham, Pedro Alvarez, Eric Hosmer, and Brian Matusz. Answer, all were chosen ahead of Buster Posey in the 2008 MLB draft.
From T.C. A British pub hosted a “World’s Biggest Liar Contest” this week. Since this was an amateur event, lawyers and generals were not allowed to participate.
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Some folks think Obamacare suddenly has made companies play games with their employees’ hours to save money. Hah. I worked at Farrell’s, which was owned by Marriott, back in the late 70s. The rule was, no overtime. But if you happened to be at 40 hrs in a week during a busy time as a waitress where you could make decent tips, and they were short handed, you could, unofficially of course, work off the clock….
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Former WNBA star Chamique Holdsclaw was jailed in Atlanta after being accused of breaking another woman’s car windows with a bat and then shooting into that car. And who says women athletes will never be the equals of men?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Janice Hough, Marlins jokes, Paula Broadwell jokes, Petraeus jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 14, 2012
The Petraeus-Allen story keeps expanding… But at least there’s a bright side for Mitt Romney. So much for all the headlines and jokes being about how he managed to lose the election….
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Now the FBI probe into the Petraeus affair has uncovered over 20,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Gen. John R. Allen, U.S. troop commander in Afghanistan, and Jill Kelley, the woman Petraeus’ mistress allegedly threatened. Once again showing how dangerous it is to allow heterosexuals in the military.
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Oxymoron of the year: Private email account.
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Some in the media are commenting how Paula Broadwell always said nice things about General Petraeus’s wife, Holly and never seemed jealous, Well, duh, Paula figured she’d already “won” by him cheating on his wife, she was jealous of potential mistress 2.0.
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Well, give him points for honesty: QB Tyler Bray told reporters “I’m paid to win football games.” For the initiated, Bray plays at Tennessee. Not the Titans. The University of Tennessee.
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Mike D’Antoni told the NY Daily News that he was surprised the Lakers wanted him to coach. Said Phil Jackson, “that makes two of us.”
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Elmo’s accuser has recanted, and says theirs was a “adult consensual relationship”. What a way for pre-schoolers across the country to learn that C is also for Consensual.
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Many people still think Tim Tebow can perform miracles. Not sure about this turning water into wine stuff. But so far Tebow’s being on the Jets hasn’t turned Mark Sanchez into a decent quarterback.
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Two parents in Massachusetts promised their kids that if a picture of them with a sign begging for a cat got 1,000 FB “likes” they could have a kitten. The children got over 100,000 likes, and the cat. Let’s hope this doesn’t give guys ideas about posting a sign wanting to get rid of their wife or girlfriend’s pet.
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These allegations of the puppeteer behind Elmo having a sexual relationship with a minor were disturbing. Let’s hope Bert and Ernie haven’t sent each other any salacious emails.
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If this Petraeus-Allen scandal turns out to be the tip of the iceberg, how long until Bill Clinton applies to be Secretary of Defense?
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The most common question heard in the Army today? Has to be “How do you REALLY erase emails?”
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The widening scandal involving General Petraeus, Paula Broadwell, General Allen and Jill Kelley brings to mind all the high ranking women politicians and government officials who have made fools of themselves over younger men…. Uh wait. Scratch that.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Elmo jokes, email jokes, General Allen jokes, Janice Hough, Paula Broadwell jokes, Petraeus affair jokes
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November 12, 2012
National security may or may not have been compromised. But comedy writers looking to fill a post-election void are thinking “Thank you, General Petraeus.”
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But really, a major sex story involving a U.S. leader who is widely respected around the world, and it’s not Bill Clinton? Who’d a thunk it?
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Well, not sure it’s much consolation. But Mitt Romney’s supposed favorite team, the New England Patriots, won. While President Obama’s beloved Chicago Bears…, well, how ’bout that election?
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As if New Yorkers haven’t suffered enough with Sandy and the Nor’Easter: Neither storm managed to cancel last Sunday’s Jets and Giants games.
Post election joy for those of all political persuasion: A Monday morning without 50 + overnight emails asking for money.
Anyone else remember this story from the summer? Now, this could have been entertaining… for those of us who are truly twisted…. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2185022/Has-Mitt-Romney-picked-Gen-David-Petraeus-vice-president.html
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Marc Ragovin: “So General Petreus had an affair with the author of his biography, which is titled “All in” And boy, was he!”
And from Mark – “Any truth to the rumor the General will change his name from Petraues to General Betrayus?”
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The Oakland Raiders lost 55-20 to the somewhat offensively challenged Baltimore Ravens?! If Al Davis wasn’t dead this would have killed him.
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Have to wonder, when Mitt Romney starts spending more time at his soon-to-be-rebuilt home in sunny San Diego, will he wish he’d just retired there four years sooner?
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Newest members of “Who Dat” nation? The 1972 Miami Dolphins.
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A Southwest Airlines jet slid off a taxiway at Denver International Airport on Saturday. Fortunately there were no injuries, making the biggest question for most passengers – do we get extra frequent flyer miles?
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Fresh off their mega deal with the Boston Red Sox, the Los Angeles Dodgers have bid 25.7 million dollars for the rights to try to sign Korean pitcher Ryu Hyun-jin. Even the New York Yankees are thinking “Ever heard of fiscal restraint?”
Looks like Phil Jackson wasn’t quite as good at the “Name your own price” game as he thought he was.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: football jokes, General Petraeus jokes, Janice Hough, Petraeus affair jokes, Petraeus jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
November 10, 2012
CIA director David Petraeus has resigned after admitting he had an affair. How long until he’s asked to join the “Clinton Global Initiative.”
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Apparently General Petraeus, 60, had his affair with his biographer and videographer, Paula Broadwell, 39. So guess Petraeus didn’t think he was Bill Clinton, he thought he was John Edwards.
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Once again, the conspiracy theorists are out, this time about General Petraeus’s affair and the timing of his resignation. Really?!! It’s amazing how the only time some folks give Obama credit for competence is in engineering coverups.
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Wow! Lakers coach Mike Brown has been fired already, only five games into a disappointing season. And somewhere from the great beyond Al Davis and George Steinbrenner are thinking “You can do that?”
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Here’s a scary post-election thought. For a brief, not-so-shining moment last year, some thought Donald Trump could be elected president of the United States.
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Condoleezza Rice said today she wouldn’t be the next secretary of state, even if President Barack Obama asked her. I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.
(Although as a Democrat I’d be happy with Richard Lugar. And Condi would be better than Bud Selig for baseball.)
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Can we get over this concept of Kentucky defending their NCAA national championship in men’s basketball. Because a true defense might involve, for starters, having one player from that championship team still in uniform. (And no, I don’t mean an NBA uniform.)
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Phil Jackson has apparently said he might consider ending his retirement and return to coaching the Lakers. “Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.
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Nick Swisher, who has hit .169 in 154 postseason at-bats. apparently will leave New York because he doesn’t like their $13 million offer for 2013. Maybe the Yankees decided that with A-Rod it was enough to have one high-priced player who takes Octobers off.
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Ah, the purity of amateur sports: UCLA star recruit Shabazz Muhammed was declared ineligible for recruiting violations. Which the LA Times alleges resulted from visits to Duke & North Carolina – Schools he turned down in favor of UCLA . Gosh, if so, wonder who turned him in.
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Mitt Romney’s sister complained to an interviewer that her brother had been “vilified” during the campaign. Uh, did she think it was going to get better if he became president?
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Anders Behring, Breivik the Norwegian mass murderer who killed 77 people, mostly teenagers, is complaining that he is being held in inhumane solitary conditions. Well, heck, let’s get him into the general population right away then.
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Ye Gods, they’re like political Tribbles. Only not as cute and cuddly. George P. Bush, grandson of George H.W, nephew of George W. Bush, son of Jeb, just filed paperwork to run for office in the state of Texas.
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From T.C. ” With Washington voting to legalize marijuana, can we expect Cheech and Chong to be signed for every Seattle Mariners home game singing “‘Toke Me Out to the Ball Game?'” And of course the National Anthem to be sung by the Doobie Brothers?’
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: General Petraeus jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, Petraeus affair jokes, Petraeus jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 9, 2012
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a bit of a break between the election and holiday shopping season?
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Silver lining to stores increasingly planning to open on Thanksgiving: It means an excuse other than football not to talk to your relatives.
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So “The X Factor”, which purports to discover talent, is now co-hosted by Khloe Kardashian. Anyone but me find that kind of an oxymoron?
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Two rushing TD’s for Andrew Luck Thursday night. Who does he think he is? RG3?
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Meanwhile, Joe Namath is the latest to publicly question why the NY Jets aren’t using Tim Tebow more often. And some Jets fans are so frustrated they’re thinking “Joe, I wanna kiss you.”
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In college football , Cal (3-7) is playing Oregon (9-0) in Berkeley this Saturday, The Ducks have outscored opponents 176-29 in the first quarter so far in 2012. So a simple tip for Bears fans who want to see a close game – get there early.
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A USC student football manager was suspended for deflating five game balls below regulation levels (which apparently makes them easier to throw) for last week’s USC-Oregon game. Insert USC ‘no real balls” joke here:
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Guess the media is still getting used to slower news days after the election. A CNN.com headline – “Thanksgiving planes likely to be full.” (Uh, can anyone remember a year when they weren’t?”)
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Today in Florida and Ohio, millions of residents discovered they are actually HAPPY to turn on the television and see used-car commercials.
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USC coach Lane Kiffin now insists publicly that a student-manager who intentionally deflated footballs (to make them easier for Matt Barkley to throw) against Oregon, acted completely on his own. Wonder if Kiffin added privately “Wish I’d thought of that before we played Stanford.”
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NY Jets CB Antonio Cromartie guaranteed the Jets will be playing in the 2012 postseason. What, like he guaranteed the eight mothers of his children that he wouldn’t get them pregnant?
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Las Vegas casino owner Sheldon Adelson spent more than $54 million on losing races Tuesday, mostly on the Presidential election. Wonder how tight his slot machines will be this weekend to make up for it?
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From my friend Tom Dodd: Wouldn’t it be much more efficient if the Presidential Election were simply staged in Ohio, which always seems to represent the final result anyway? It would save a lot of money and fuel, and the rest of the country could avoid the bombardment of campaign ads for that office.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Andrew Luck jokes, election jokes, Janice Hough, Lane Kiffin jokes, Thanksgiving jokes, USC jokes
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November 7, 2012
Electoral votes. Pending Florida, which is heading for another recount. Y’all take all the time you want this go around.
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Bipartisan thought. So why schedule elections on a Tuesday when one way or another it means a lot of people hung over on a Wednesday?
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Eleven point gender gap as women went for Obama 55 to 44. So is the next step for the GOP an attempt to repeal the 19th amendment?
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Saddest thing about Mitt Romney’s loss for our country as a whole – many in the Republican party will think he lost for not being extreme enough.
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Late this evening , Mitt Romney called President Obama to concede. As a Californian I am more than happy to wish Mitt a very happy retirement in our great state.-
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President Obama is talking so much about hope in the face of what seems like insurmountable odds I almost expect him to declare himself a retroactive SF Giants fan.
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CNN called California, Hawaii and Washington at 15 seconds after 8:00pm. What took them so long?
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For that matter CNN also said Romney would win Utah as soon as the polls closed. . Uh, they could have called that in January 2009.
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Was Joe Donnelly’s win in Indiana a “gift from God?”
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Tough night in the Mitt Romney “war rooms.” Enough almost to drive a Mormon to drink?
From my very funny friend Neil Berliner: “Pack the dog up on the roof, Ann.”
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And to anyone who’s made it this far, tomorrow this blog is back to more sports.
Categories: political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: election jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Obama jokes, Romney jokes
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November 2, 2012
In case anyone thought it’s only the U.S. that is out of control with early holiday shopping – in London, Santa’s Grotto is open at Harrods tomorrow as Father Christmas arrives – November 3!
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Despite long lines and urging from the League of Women Voters, Florida Gov. Rick Scott on Thursday today refused to extend early voting through Sunday. Of course, if he could Scott would probably deal with the lines by dismissing the 19th amendment.
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As Americans deal with countless last-minute emails asking for campaign money, more people on both sides of the aisle might start agreeing with John McCain. When he said that Citizens United was the Supreme Court’s “worst decision ever.”
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Steve Spurrier now says that Alabama could beat some NFL teams. Well, based on his tenure with the Redskins, maybe a lousy NFL team IF Spurrier was coaching them.
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Watching Chris Christie and Barack Obama together – whoever thought a potential election game-changer might include the words “Jersey Shore?”
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It’s only two games into the NBA season. But who do the newly star-studded Los Angeles Lakers think they are? The Dodgers?
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Here’s a bipartisan cheerful thought. In five days, we won’t have to read a single news story involving polls….. (Until candidates start running for 2016, which should take about a week.)
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Well, this ought to take care of the stereotype of NFL players as pampered and out of touch: Since their usual hotel still doesn’t have power, the Pittsburgh Steelers now will fly into Newark Sunday morning and bus to the Meadowlands for a 4:25pm kickoff against the NY Giants. Oh, the horror.
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Proving that there is nothing in America that isn’t an excuse for a sale – Macy’s advertising an “Election Day Sale.” (Shame there isn’t a further discount if you can prove you have voted.) Standby for “Hurricane Sandy” sale to follow.
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Mitt Romney’s campaign dismissed New York Mayor Bloomberg’s endorsement of President Obama as inconsequential. Gosh, if they said that earlier maybe Bloomberg might have made up his mind sooner.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: election jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Romney jokes
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October 31, 2012
On the day after Halloween with so much devastation around the country it is important to remember one point – Problems will fade, but uneaten candy corn is forever.
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Some say President Obama needed a little more Bill Clinton in him this election season; it may turn out that he just needed a little more Chris Christie.
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More Chris Christie, in an interview with Fox News…. “I have a job to do here in New Jersey that is much bigger than presidential politics.” And if anyone knows “bigger”, it’s Chris Christie.
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Hey, some priorities are intact. Gov. Chris Christie, with a signed executive order, postponed Halloween festivities in New Jersey until Monday, Nov. 5. Not even Sandy stands in the way of the American child’s right to free candy.
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Maybe our neighbors to the north they think he’s a comedian? Michael Brown, director of FEMA during Katrina, in an op-ed in Canada’s “Globe and Mail” newspaper: “Hurricane Sandy should teach us to be prepared, willing to live without the modern conveniences of elevators, computers and refrigerators. Hurricane Sandy should teach all of us to chill.”
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Lance Armstrong will become the latest celebrity to be burned in effigy Saturday during a English town’s Guy Fawkes’ Bonfire Night. And we thought Phillies fans were tough.
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From my funny friend Neil Berliner: “Obama campaign head David Axelrod: ‘I’ll shave off my mustache if he loses Minnesota, Michigan, or Pennsylvania.’ Now let’s hopefully hear the same regarding Romney from Ann Coulter.”
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Nice twist of justice for Jerry Sandusky. Not only will he be housed on death row in prison, but also “all visits will be non-contact, meaning no touching is allowed.”
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SF Giants’ closer Sergio Romo, of Mexican descent, is wearing a t-shirt for the World Championship parade today. The phrase on the shirt? – “I only look illegal.”
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Eli Manning says he hopes that this weekend the Giants win and give those NY and NJ residents affected by Hurricane Sandy “a little break” and “a little joy.” By that standard it’s a good thing the NY Jets have a bye week.
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From Mark: “Weird score of the night from English Premier League: Arsenal 7, Reading 5. To put that into perspective, Arsenal scores more in one soccer game that the Detroit Tigers did in an entire World Series.”
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This response to Mitt Romney’s ads in Ohio – “We’ve clearly entered some parallel universe during these last few days…. campaign politics at its cynical worst….” The liberal media? No, General Motors.
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In Idaho the daughter-in-law of the Senate Minority Leader is in stable condition after her husband accidentally shot her at the end of hunting trip. Does this mean the guy has aspirations to be vice president?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, Hurricane Sandy jokes, Janice Hough, Romo jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 29, 2012
What was this stupid game played by men in tights on TV Monday night and where is my baseball?
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Oops, technology. Just got an email from Stubhub this morning “San Francisco Giants Postseason Tickets in a Flash – Head to StubHub.com. We wanted to give you a heads up that seats are still available.” Well, no doubt game 6 and 7 tickets are cheap…..
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Over 5 million are now without power. 5,000,050 if you count the New York Yankees and Detroit Tigers.
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Pablo Sandoval, World Series MVP?! So does this mean tacos may be declared a PED?
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Hmm, used this joke Saturday, and Jay Leno used almost the same one tonight. ” Detroit looking like their only hope is to ask President Obama for a bailout.” (But of course they still don’t think they need any female freelancers.)
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A line going around the internet (don’t know who wrote it) is that they should have renamed the storm Hurricane A-Rod, then it wouldn’t have hit anyone.
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So much for the country pulling together: The Fed. Govt. is closed for at least 2 days, which may delay the Oct. jobs report. Iowa GOP Rep. Chuck Grassley tweets “Labor Dept says may release latest Unemployment figures until after election. Par for course. Why release something might hurt Obama elect?” Right, clearly the President conjured up Sandy for this purpose.
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Chris Christie is praising President Obama for his response so far to Hurricane Sandy. Nice bipartisan statement. And makes sense – I am sure Christie would rather run against Hillary, Biden or Cuomo in 2016 rather than an incumbent Romney.
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N.J. Gov. Chris Christie said evacuations are no longer possible, and rescuers won’t be sent out “until daylight tomorrow.” Translation – “Okay idiots, we’ll pick you or your bodies up in the morning.”
(Added Nick Coombs, “Attention New Jersey residents. In case of emergency your governor may be used as a floatation device.)
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The HMS Bounty, built as a replica tall ship to be used in movies, has sunk off the N.C. coast. Tragic for the two missing crew members but going out in hurricane conditions had to be the dumbest decision since Captain Bligh figured he could handle an angry Fletcher Christian.
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49ers fans were glad that their Monday Night Football game was played in Arizona and thus avoided a Hurricane Sandy postponement. New York Jets fans are just wishing Sandy had shown up yesterday morning.
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For anyone who doesn’t believe in voodoo, this from ESPN: 
“Oct. 9 in Cincinnati. Giants trailed, 2 games to 0 in NLDS. And then, with their entire season on the line, they picked THAT night to get no-hit into the 6th, to get 1 hit in the first 9 innings, to strike out 16 times — and they WON. In extra innings. On an unearned run.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Hurricane Sandy jokes, Janice Hough, Sandy jokes, SF Giants jokes, voodoo jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 29, 2012
Timing is everything: Tonight marks the SF Giants first seven game winning streak of 2012.
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The San Francisco Giants are World Series champions in four games. I blame Obama.
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New York Yankees are trying to figure out how to buy San Francisco.
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Last thought for the night: San Francisco Giants fans are not going to wake up tomorrow and find this is all an episode of “Newhart”, are we?
The Cincinnati Enquirer endorsed Mitt Romeny, citing his past moderate record in Massachusettes, saying “Romney as president should stay true to who he is.” Uh, this assumes that at this point Mitt actually KNOWS who he is?”
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Guessing Mitt Romney is not going to take this week to reiterate his GOP debate pledge to shutter FEMA: “Every time you have an occasion to take something from the federal government and send it back to the states, that’s the right direction. And if you can go even further, and send it back to the private sector, that’s even better. ”
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One silver lining that many weary Americans are finding from Hurricane Sandy: Both Romney and Obama have cancelled campaign appearances.
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And in New York, the everyone is of course hoping for the best with the storm. On the other hand, Sandy may assure that neither the Yankees nor the Jets are the biggest disaster for October.
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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said London, England, is ready for their own professional NFL team. Well, that lets out sending them the Jaguars.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
October 26, 2012
And still living on a prayer.
The way this postseason has gone, maybe on the plane ride to Detroit, manager Bruce Bochy should try to convince the SF Giants they are actually DOWN 2 games to 0.
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Well, we now know the answer to the question “What happened to that offensively challenged Giants team that somehow beat the Reds in the NLDS?”. Now on to Comerica Park. Which makes A T and T look like a bandbox.
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Last night’s Giants-Tigers matchup got an 8.8 rating, the 2nd lowest ever for a World Series Game 1. Well, maybe if ESPN and Fox didn’t make the regular series all about the Yankees and Red Sox, fans across the country might have developed an interest in one of these very good and at times fascinating teams.
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A Sacramento TV anchor was on live TV outside of AT&T Park yesterday in San Francisco when he was, shall we say, mistaken for a statue by a seagull. Shame it wasn’t Tim McCarver or Joe Buck.
(my friend Michael M. said that when the guy made it home he was definitely pooped.”
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The New York Yankees once reportedly had their eye on the SF Giants’ Tim Lincecum as a starter. After Wednesday night they may want to sign him to replace Mariano Rivera.
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A Sports Illustrated players poll had Tim Tebow as the most overrated player, with Mark Sanchez second. Once again, many think Tebow has unfairly stolen Sanchez’s spotlight.
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NBA commissioner David Stern is retiring. Many MLB fans wish he’d take Bud Selig with him.
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Amongst the congratulatory Tweets that the Giants’ Pablo Sandoval, who hails from Venezuela, received last night after his 3 home run game was one from Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Well, that ought to dispel San Francisco’s liberal commie-pinko image.
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Taylor Swift, 22, and Conor Kennedy, 18, have broken up. And who saw that coming?
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Colin Powell endorsed President Obama today, adding “I think I’m a Republican of more moderate mold and that’s something of a dying breed, I’m sorry to say…the Republicans I worked for are Reagan, Bush 41, the Howard Bakers of the world, people who were conservative, people who were willing to push their conservative views, but people who recognize that at the end of the day you got to find a basis for compromise. Compromise is how this country runs.”
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After Colin Powell endorsed President Obama, Senator John McCain said: “All I can say is: Gen. Powell, you disappoint us.” Wonder if Powell thought of replying – “Spoken by the guy who gave us Sarah Palin?
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John Sununu suggested Colin Powell’s endorsement of President Obama was motivated by race. So was Sununu’s endorsement of Romney motivated by Mitt’s also being a rich guy who wants to ride on government jets?
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Who says politicians never say anything directly? This from President Obama: “Let me make a very simple proposition: Rape is rape. It is a crime. And so these various distinctions about rape don’t make too much sense to me — don’t make any sense to me.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Colin Powell jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants, World Series jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 21, 2012
Immovable force meeting irresistible object? The SF Giants have won 5 straight games facing elimination this postseason, the Cardinals have won their last 6 dating back to 2011.
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Hmm, maybe too much time in water really does soak your brain dept: On College Game Day today, Olympic gold-medal winning swimmer Ryan Lochte was asked who would win the LSU-Texas A&M game: “I think they’re gonna end their six-game losing streak in the SEC — gonna have to go with Auburn.”
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Once again, as we approach game seven of NLCS interesting to remember that an ESPN poll said 68 percent of Americans figured the SF Giants wouldn’t make the playoffs after Melky Cabrera was suspended.
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GOP strategist Marc Rotterman complained that the “presidential election unofficially started back in the fall of 2011, a schedule that is absurd.” Is he crazy? The election didn’t start in the fall of 2011. It started the day after Obama was elected.
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So who’d a think that right this minute, Barry Zito’s contract would look better than A-Rod’s?
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Big Game between Stanford and Cal was played on. October 20. Because nothing says a big rivalry game like playing it when it’s convenient for the Pac 12 Network.
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Post Big-Game thought: Cal is apparently so bad this year that Stanford can win without a quarterback.
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Residents of South New Jersey apparently felt the ground shaking Saturday morning, but no earthquakes or military training exercises were reported in the region. Maybe Chris Christie has taken up jogging?
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The NFL is investigating the San Diego Chargers for possibly using an illegal “Stick ’em” substance on their hands. I guess I understand the idea of cheating to be great, but cheating to be mediocre?
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“It does not take any courage at all for a congressman, or a senator, or a president to wrap himself in the flag… because it is not our blood that is being shed.” George McGovern, 1970.
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Some in GOP are trying to make political hay out of the fact that a man who lives near London was able to make two $5 donations to President Obama’s campaign, by using his English address but a NY zip code. Right, where was this outrage when Romney had an expensive fundraiser in Tel Aviv?
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Former Red Sox pitching coach John Farrell is returning to the team as their new manager. To accomplish this, Boston had to trade infielder Mike Aviles to the Blue Jays, and presumably promise Farrell they were never bringing back Josh Beckett.
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Yankees GM manager Brian Cashman today called a trade of Alex Rodriguez “unrealistic.” Translation, we don’t think even the Dodgers are crazy enough to take him.
If the Giants keep winning the Yankees may try to extradite them back to New York and take the team over.
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Finally, if you have three minutes check out this link sent to me by my friend Andy Dwan. Watch it until the end.
http://gawker.com/5953357/missouri-pastors-fiery-speech-against-equal-rights-for-homosexuals-has-stunning-twist-ending
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Big Game jokes, Janice Hough, NLCS jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 17, 2012
Whatever you think about tonight’s Presidential debate, there’s probably bi-partisan agreement that both candidates did much better than the New York Yankees.
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Do they have a conference call in advance of these debates to coordinate clothes like mothers of the bride and groom? (Tuesday night Obama had a red tie, Romney had a blue tie.)
Wonder how many casual New York fans though things were looking up for the Yankees because in game three tonight they were facing the Tigers’ #3 starter?
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A-Rod and Nick Swisher were not in the Yankees lineup for the ALCS game 3. Which meant $40 million alone in two players riding the bench. Who knew Aubrey Huff and Barry Zito would ever seem like bargains.
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Columbia student Stephan Perez, arrested in 2010 for selling Adderall, described the drug today on NBC’s “Rock Center” as an “academic steroid.” Well, that’s at least one PED that no SEC football players will be accused of using.
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Admittedly I’m biased, but think Obama supporters were both thrilled to see the real Barack show up tonight…and to see the real Mitt show up tonight.
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So Mitt Romney has had “binders full of women.” Is that a Mormon thing?
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Thieves stole hundreds of mllions of dollars of Picassos, Monets and other works from the Kunsthal museum early Tuesday morning in Rotterdam. The museum said the security was “state of the art,” and that their insurance was “adequate” for the exhibition. Uh, well, at best that’s one out of two.
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“No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public” (P.T. Barnum) example for the day:
A Chicago man apparently spent $9,995.00 on Ebay to purchase a gallon of barbecue sauce intended for use on McDonald’s McJordan sandwich in 1992.
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Apparently Beyonce will be the half-time entertainment for Super Bowl 2013. Isn’t she too young?
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From Marc Ragovin: “At a recent Jay-Z concert to open the Barclay Center, all attendees were subjected to a metal detector scan, while two days later, at the Barbra Streisand concert, all attendees were subjected to a bone density scan.
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The Colorado Rockies are apparently talking to Jason Giambi, who hasn’t even retired yet, about managing their team. Gosh, putting someone so inexperienced in charge could result in the team losing almost 100 games. Oops, never mind.
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I’m against politicizing either event, but have to wonder why none of these people who insist on blaming Obama for Ambassador Steven’s death in Benghazi ever thought Bush should be blamed at all for 9-11?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ALCS jokes, debate jokes, Janice Hough, Yankees jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
October 12, 2012
For anyone who’s been thinking nostalgically about Will Clarks’s 1987 “I’ve been waiting for this since I was an f**king amateur.”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/11/tim-lincecum_n_1959995.html
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And anyone who had a very unproductive few hours at work following the Giants-Reds game already knows this. But for the uninitiated – torture is back.
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SF Giants today became the first team in Major League Baseball history to win a best of five playoff series after losing the first two at home. So ESPN focuses Sportcenter on … Thursday Night Football, Dale Earnhardt, Jr, and of course, the Yankees.
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Tonight’s Orioles-Yankees game finished up in 13th inning in New York, over four hours since the first pitch. Normally the only games that last this long in New York are 9 inning Red Sox-Yankees games.
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All this hype about the importance of winning tonight’s running mate debate. Yeah, it made such a difference to Vice President Lloyd Bentsen.
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An initial CNN focus group report said that 32% thought Biden won, 32% thought Ryan won, and 35% thought it was a draw. But 80% after watching Joe said – “I’ll have what he’s having.”
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Paul Ryan danced around an abortion question so carefully, he may be invited to compete on the next DWTS.
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Damn, if Joe Biden ever gets tired of this political stuff he has an endorsement contract waiting with 5-Hour Energy.
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Maybe before the next debate President Obama should practice against Joe Biden instead of John Kerry. No one will ever accuse Biden of being too polite.
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James Young, the #5 basketball recruit in the country, says he’s going to Kentucky, adding “I’m not just looking for the NBA. I’m looking for an education and a national championship and that’s about it.” Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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Ah perspective. Texas Rangers CEO Nolan Ryan, discussing the end of the season, said the timing of Josh Hamilton’s decision to quit smokeless tobacco this summer “couldn’t have been worse.” Uh, is there ever a bad time to quit chewing tobacco?
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How did this guy ever get the reputation for being out of touch? Mitt Romney today: “We don’t have people that become ill, who die in their apartment because they don’t have insurance.”
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From Marc Ragovin: “I’m not saying Mitt Romney is loaded, but he just bought one of his granddaughters a Barbie’ S Dream House with its own car elevator.”
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Somewhere Lloyd Bentsen is thinking: “I knew Jim Lehrer, Jim Lehrer was a friend of mine, Martha Raddatz, you’re no Jim Lehrer. – Thank God.”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, playoff jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
October 10, 2012
None of Major League Baseball’s Division Series have ended up sweeps with one team 3 and out. You know what this means. All four series’ have lasted longer than some NBC new sitcoms.
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The Cardinals really teed off on Nationals starter Edwin Jackson today, a career .500 pitcher. Gosh, if only Washington had a really top notch starting pitcher they could have used for game 3.
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Meanwhile, the SF Giants’ Tim Lincecum threw 42 out of his 55 pitches today for strikes. And Giants manager Bruce Bochy is thinking “You mean, all I had to do was put him in the bullpen?”
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Okay, a question from Wednesday afternoon. Did the aliens who were inhabiting the SF Giants hitters’ bodies go back to their home planet, or were these the aliens today? Because it is not the same team we have seen since Saturday.
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Bus to hell time: Jerry Sandusky has apparently been placed on suicide watch. I think a lot of Americans would pay to watch.
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Watching Prince Fielder have to think that if he ever tries to slide into third base with Pablo Sandoval trying to block him it would register on the Richter scale.
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Apparently the man who was stopped in Los Angeles with a bulletproof vest and a smoke grenade in his luggage was actually screened before boarding a flight in Korea. So it is possible to have security that is worse than TSA.
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Washington State football coach Mike Leach said some of the seniors on his team have been “zombie-like” and “have an empty-corpse quality.” Way to throw your team under the bus, said even Bobby Valentine.
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So Facebook now has a “Promote” button, where for $7 you can tell your friends your post is important. Here’s news for them, if you have to TELL your friends your post is important, it isn’t important.
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-Mitt Romney 7.0 “There’s no legislation with regards to abortion that I’m familiar with that would become part of my agenda.” Of course, maybe he’s not saying he’s changed his views, maybe he’s saying he’s not actually familiar with ANY legislation.
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Rick Santorum said today that marriage will “disintegrate” along with the American family if same-sex marriage becomes legal. Uh, really? So far marriage has been strong enough to survive the Kardashians.
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TBS announcers talking about what a tough job Yankees manager Joe Girardi has had this year. And 29 another teams with lesser payrolls are thinking “Oh, STFU.”
Australian billionaire Clive Palmer is apparently trying to build a new cruise ship that will be an exact full size replica of the Titanic. Uh, maybe a few small changes might be in order.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Jerry Sandusky jokes, playoffs jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
October 8, 2012
In Florida, the 32 year-old winner of a roach-eating contest died shortly after downing dozens of the live bugs as well as worms.. Darwin would be so proud. (And what’s scarier than eating roaches? The fact that this guy was a swing-state voter.)
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Could it get any worse for the NY Jets? Well, tonight there was this tweet ““Hey JETS!!!” I’m available! I’m ready, willing & able!” The tweet, no joke, was from Terrell Owens.
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Jerry Sandusky, in a pre-sentencing audio tape, said, “In my heart, I know I did not do these alleged disgusting acts.” Uh, Jerry, your heart might be one of the only innocent parts of your anatomy.
Nice job tonight, Baltimore Orioles. Good to see that it is still possible to wear Orange and Black on a baseball diamond and score runs.
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TBS announcers actually bragging that for “the first time, MLB network has the playoffs.” Really? Am surprised they don’t tell folks who can’t afford the network and have to follow the games onlne or on radio to eat cake while they’re at it.
(Of course, let’s be fair, if Roger Goodell could put the Super Bowl on pay-per-view, he would.)
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A recent poll showed a tightening President race but more than 50% of voters polled said it was difficult to know what Romney stood for. Suppose that’s not too bad, since at this point not sure that even Mitt Romney knows what he stands for.
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Mitt Romney said today in a speech that the U.S. needs to be “more assertive” in the Mideast. Apparently we haven’t started enough wars and spent enough trillions yet.
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Monday should have been one of Mitt Romney’s favorite holidays: In many ways Christopher Columbus was the first to really profit from offshoring.
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In Berkeley, Monday was “Indigenous People’s Day.” Although these days the California schools are in such bad shape the harder goal may not be learning history but to get kids to be able to spell “Indigenous.”
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In an interview discussing her $10 million reality tv wedding, Kim Kardashian stated “But the next time, I want to do it on an island with just my friends and family and that’s it.” Well, except for a few select reporters and other media representatives.
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A former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader will avoid jail in a plea deal where she admitted having sex with a 17-year-old who was her student at a Northern Kentucky high school. Many were outraged by the deal, especially other boys who wanted her sentenced to teach at THEIR school.
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Another thought about last night’s game at A T and T Park. Was T.S. Eliot really an SF Giants fan before his time “This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.”
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Maria Shriver is reportedly wearing her wedding ring again, despite Arnold’s new autobiography detailing several affairs and lies. Maybe Schwarzenegger has convinced her that he really is a true Kennedy.
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Gary M. starts this last one off: “After 30 years of marriage, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman have split up. He’s 67, she’s 64…divorcing in their 60′s seems a bit short-sighted.”
TC adds “That joke went over my head.”
Have at it folks, this could go on for a while. The whole thing could be a little much.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: election jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, playoffs jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 4, 2012
President Obama may have been overly subdued last night, but he’s really on the attack today over Mitt Romney’s promise to cut PBS. In short, Barack is metaphorically “Flipping him the Big Bird.”
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All these folks who figure that Romney really has it in for Big Bird because he wants to cut PBS funding – maybe instead it’s that Mitt has figured out that Bert and Ernie are shacking up together.
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Another mistake from President Obama. He said that last night he “didn’t debate the real Mitt Romney.” As if there was a “real” Mitt Romney.
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Or did Obama figure it wouldn’t sound presidential to respond “Liar, liar, pants on fire?”
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From my good friend, Michele Eggars, who doesn’t share my political views – “I think I heard Obama say say “Not tonight Sweetie, I have a headache”.
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And from Marc Ragovin: “At the outset of the Presidential debate, Jim Lehrer reminded the audience that one of the ground rules was no cheering. Hell, they just could have bused in a bunch of Red Sox fans.”
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Foxnews.com headline this morning about the debate: “It’s not over.” So this means they thought it WAS over?
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Facebook is reportedly offering some users the chance to pay $7 to promote their posts with better visibility. This worries me less than the idea that they may start charging us to hide stuff like Farmville requests.
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Headline said that the Red Sox didn’t waste any time in firing Bobby Valentine. Some Boston fans would say they wasted a whole year.
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Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin amended 10 years of federal financial reports after he failed to list $130,000 in state pension payments, saying it was an “unintentional oversight.” Does he expect the story to shut down since it was a “legitimate mistake.”
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Five University of Missouri freshman football players were suspended after police found them on campus with marijuana in a white Lincoln Navigator. Well, no surprise that students have pot….have to wonder, where are they doing with a Lincoln Navigator?
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NY Jets QB Mark Sanchez is now insisting he’s not worried about the possibility of being replaced by Tim Tebow. Uh, maybe that’s part of the problem.
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New pre-flight announcement on American Airlines? “Please make sure your seat belts are securely fastened and your seats are securely bolted to the floor.”
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TCU starting QB Casey Pachall has been suspended after being arrested for DWI this morning, This after he failed a drug test in February. The lengths some athletes will go to to prove they are NFL ready….
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The Seattle Mariners, last in MLB with a .234 batting average, have fired their hitting coach. Which shocked many Mariners fans – “We HAD a hitting coach?”
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Two longtime vintage bookstores in San Francisco’s Mission District may have to close due to rent hikes. “Bummer,” said most of the 20 somethings who pack the neighborhood’s bars and restaurants. “But what’s a bookstore?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Big Bird jokes, debate jokes, Janice Hough, Obama jokes, presidential debate jokes, Red Sox jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
October 1, 2012
Heard Tony Romo threw a tantrum after the Monday Night Football game. The tantrum was picked off by the Bears and returned for a touchdown.
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Who did Romo think he was Monday night? Brett Favre?
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NY Jets owner Woody Johnson said it was more important to him that Romney win than his team have a winning season. Curiously enough, many Republicans are about as happy with Mitt as the candidate as Jets fans are with Mark Sanchez as their QB.
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A 19-year old is recovering in a Southern California hospital after he fell 60 ft off the side of a water slide at Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. Allegedly he jumped the line, barged past lifeguards and leaped head-first instead of feet-first onto the slide. Somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”
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Paul Ryan, lowering expectations about Wednesday: President Barack Obama’s “done these kinds of debates before. This is Mitt’s first time on this kind of a stage.” Does that mean even Ryan couldn’t bear to watch the GOP Primary debates?
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This line noticed by the SF Chronicle’s Debra J. Saunders in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s autobiography: “Maria and I are very different in that way. She grew up in a world where a sharp line was drawn between friends and the help. With me, there is almost no line.”
You can say that again.
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Okay, the man challenging Nancy Pelosi for her Congressional seat is running an ad comparing Pelosi to a zombie. How silly. Beside the “wtf” nature of the comparison, zombies have more facial expressions.
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Kobe Bryant, 34, said today he got a question earlier about whose team the Lakers are: “I don’t want to get into the, ‘Well, we share …’ No, it’s my team”. Wonder if Tiger Woods, 36, would have said it was HIS Ryder Cup team.
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American Airlines says a Boston-to-Miami flight needed to make an emergency landing at JFK airport over the weekend when a row of seats became loose. Standby later this week for the new “seat bolt” fee.
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NY Jets coach Rex Ryan is still saying that Mark Sanchez at QB “gives us our best opportunity to win.” If true his comments should be great for ticket sales – for the Knicks.
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The 2013 Oscars ceremony will be hosted by “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane. By making this choice five months in advance the Academy is giving themselves plenty of time to pre-write those “Sorry you were offended” emails and letters.
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Mitt Romney is hard at work preparing for Wednesday’s debates. His latest challenge, how to blame the U.S. Ryder Cup challenge on Obama.
(Jim Barach says “Blame it on Furyk’s caddy Fluff for not knowing how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.”)
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The Yankees now have a one-game lead in the NL East, but the way the new playoff system is set up, if the Baltimore Orioles somehow win the East, the NY Yankees, as a wildcard, could be out of the postseason by Friday. Bud Selig is trying to see how quickly he might be able to change the rules.
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Although tonight it was 9-0 Yankees-Red Sox in the third. Boston isn’t just mailing it in, they’re FedExing it in.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, debate jokes, Janice Hough, Red Sox jokes, Romo jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
September 26, 2012
The NFL and their referees just came to an agreement to end the lockout. What a disappointment for fans of lousy teams who will now have to find another excuse.
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From my friend Joe Salvatore, a lesson learned from the lockout: Always remember: It is OK to use Scab High School and D-3 refs for your games that could cost someone their job or even their health ….but it is a $15,000 fine to wear a MLB cap in your post-game Press Conference!
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Bobby Valentine says he thinks he’s coming back in 2013 as manager of the Red Sox. Sounds like Bobby’s as in touch with reality as he’s been all season.
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A woman is suing Southwest because she says she was severely burned by a cup of hot tea the airline served her onboard. This would never happen at United Airlines. Their tea, and coffee, are always lukewarm.
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Oops. Florida State Rep. Mike Horner of Kissimmee, “a rising star in state GOP circles” according to the Orlando Sentinel, abruptly ended his re-election campaign this week when his name surfaced on the client list of an Orlando brothel. Well, at least the scandal involved adult women.
(And not moralizing here, but jeez, you think the guy would at least be smart enough to go out of town to find his hookers. For those who haven’t been to Florida, Kissimmee is an Orlando suburb, near Disney World.)
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Both Monica Lewinsky and Ross Perot are writing memoirs. About 15-20 years after most people would actually care.
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A recent ABC News/Washington Post poll says 61% of Americans have a negative opinion of Mitt Romney’s handling of his campaign. Assume the other 39% percent are Democrats.
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Arkansas AD Jeff Long said that despite the SEC football team’s 1-3 start, the program is committed to coach John L. Smith for this season. Translation “Who else could we get to take over this mess?”.
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Eric Gagne said 80% of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs. Now 80% of them are saying they were part of the 20%.
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Another mailer from the Romney campaign today, addressed to me by name and address… “Dear Janice…. “You are one of our Party’s most prominent members, and I would be honored if you would join my team as a major contributor.”
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How badly run is Mitt Romney’s campaign these days? Even Charlie Sheen said – “Not winning.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, NFL lockout jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 25, 2012
Maybe some of these replacement refs should run for office: They’ve done a better job than anyone else in America of getting bipartisan agreement on something.
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Hard to remember that before this lockout started, one of the favorite pastimes of hardcore NFL fans was complaining about the regular refs.
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Hope for his sake that someone tells Mitt Romney that this would be a bad week to talk about any friends he might have who are NFL owners.
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Anyone else wondering about the results had the refs given an NFL game like last night’s to Pete Carroll, if the opposing coach was Jim Harbaugh? (There might still be crime tape on the field. )
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The possible real reason last night’s disputed NFL call was such a big deal? Before that “catch,” Green Bay had not only won, but they had (barely) covered the four point spread.
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On the other hand, if Monday night’s NFL call had gone against the Dallas Cowboys, they’d be praising the refs in 49 states.
Aaron Rodgers said tonight that the NFL cares more about saving money than about the integrity of the game. What was his first clue?
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Mitt Romney actually said today at a speech in New York that he “understood” the unions had to look out for their members. Wow. So maybe Mitt does watch Monday Night Football after all.
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Romney’s campaign now says his comment about opening plane windows was a joke. But come on, we all know better – Mitt had to open windows on his private planes to feed the dog on the roof.
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A new study cites state police as having an estimated 80% likelihood of divorce. Wow, that’s almost as high as being in the NBA. Or marrying a Kardashian.
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Uh, about those Bonds asterisks….. Former Cy Young winner Eric Gagne says in his new biography that 80 percent of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs.
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At the University of Minnesota, Crookston, a DII football team, their midfield logo ended up painted at the 45-yard instead of the 50. Had the school only been scheduled to play an SEC team, no one might have noticed.
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In NY today, Anna Gristina, a Scottish mom of 4, who allegedy ran a brothel for wealthy men, pled guilty to “promoting prostitution.” She will likely get probation after credit for 4 months time served, but could be deported. Why? Unlike with many Wall Streeters, at least her clients were happy when they got screwed.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Packers jokes, replacement ref jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 