Posted tagged ‘Janice Hough’
December 23, 2012
GOP Florida governor Rick Scott sent President Obama a letter requesting that he invoke federal law to order a cooling-off period to prevent a longshoremen’s strike. Of course if Barack complies wonder how long it will take Scott to rail again against overreaching federal government authority.
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Tim Tebow is reportedly going to the Jacksonsville Jaguars in 2013. Could be a good fit. Tebow always did a great job when surrounded by top college-level talent.
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Rubert Murdoch’s New York Post called NRA leader Wayne LaPierre a “gun nut” and “NRA loon” on its Saturday cover. For the uninitiated, this is about as likely as Fox News saying something nice about President Obama.
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Would the NRA next like to suggest the public places they DON’T believe should have armed guards? It might be a shorter list.
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A recent study showed people did significantly better on tough math problems when they were in the company of their pets. So maybe animals are soothing. Although in the case of cats, perhaps their presence just reminded their owners to relax and not give a sh*t.
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“Bob’s,” a Brazilian fast-food chain, has introduced edible wrapping for its burgers. McDonald’s is thinking of following suit, although a sticking point might be that wrapping would probably have more nutritional value than their hamburgers.
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President Obama is in Hawaii for a few days at Christmas. Waiting for the first detractor to condemn him for taking a foreign vacation…
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A judge said the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB and the NCAA can move forward with their attempts to stop New Jersey’s plans to allow sports gambling. Can’t wait to see Chris Christie weigh in on this one….
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The “R + L Carriers” New Orleans Bowl today featured Eastern Carolina vs. Louisiana-Lafayette?!. Sounds like a sign from God to men that they really should turn off the television and go Christmas shopping.
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From T.C. ” The best selling NFL jersey this year belongs to Washington’s RGIII. Kids in Africa still wearing “2007 Patriots Perfect Season 19-0” jerseys are looking forward to receiving free Jets’ Tebow and Sanchez ones in time for Christmas.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: bowl game jokes, cat jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, NRA jokes, Tim Tebow jokes
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December 22, 2012
The Green Bay Packers got over 600 volunteers to shovel snow off of Lambeau Field so their game can be played this Sunday. Many New York fans are wishing they could shovel snow onto their field so the Jets Sunday game could be cancelled.
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Baylor RB Lache Seastrunk told a reporter this week “I’m going to win the Heisman. I’m going to win it in 2013” Well, if he doesn’t win the award, Seastrunk is at least looking cocky enough to be drafted by the Dallas Cowboys.
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Olympic medalist Suzy Favor Hamilton has reportedly been working recently as a very high priced call girl. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to “going for the gold.”
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A new study from Columbia University Medical Center finds that being chronically stressed is as dangerous as smoking five cigarettes a day. Presumably even if you’re stressed from trying to quit smoking.
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Francisco Liriano, who was 6-12 with a 5.34 ERA in 2012, was signed to a 2 year, $14 million contract by the Pittsburgh Pirates. Wow. The only way such an ineffective performance like that is normally rewarded is by being re-elected to Congress.
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A recent Rasmussen poll has John Boehner replacing Nancy Pelosi as the most disliked member of Congress. If this keeps up, the Speaker may have Oompa Loompas accuse him of conduct detrimental to the image of Orange people.
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So in his “armed guards in schools” speech today, NRA Executive V.P Wayne LaPierre also indicated he wants to get rid of violent video games. Where’s the conservative outrage over too much potential government interference on this one?
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And just wondering, if we have armed employees at schools and they join the teachers’ unions, when do they become a special-interest group that is a drain on the economy. Or just plain old union thugs?
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While the gun debate rages on, in Pennsylvania a gunman injured three state troopers after shooting and killing three other people, including a woman at a church. So will the NRA call next week for armed guards at all churches?
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Top high school prospect Jarabi Parker is apparently being harrassed on Twitter over his decision to attend Duke (over BYU, Florida, Michigan State and Stanford). But come on folks, get a life, he’ll only be a Blue Devil for one year anyway….
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Great, so today Facebook was asking today “How are you feeling, Janice?” Then it asks “How’s it going, Janice?” Guess this answers that question – “Whatever happened to HAL?” Then at 11p on a Friday – “What’s happening, Janice?” Jeez, FB has gone from acting like HAL to spouting bad pickup lines?
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Congress jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, John Boehner jokes, NFL jokes, NRA jokes, Suzy Favor jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 21, 2012
The world hasn’t ended. So you probably still have to go to work.
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And sorry Cubs fans, you’re going to be disappointed again next year.
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Facebook is testing an option where for $1 you can send a message to someone not on your network, and make sure it goes into their regular inbox. But no worries, those really annoying types many people try to avoid would never waste a whole dollar to reach someone.
I think both Democrats and Republicans can thank heaven this option is being tested after the Presidential election….
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Kim Kardashian is threatening to take her pictures off Instagram over their new photo-sharing policy. Finally, for the beleaguered company some good news….
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Peyton Manning led fan voting for the NFL Pro Bowl. Here’s an idea instead… how about letting Tim Tebow start at QB? It’s a meaningless game, he’s a fan favorite, and he’ll be rested and ready.
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NY Post headline “Tim Tebow’s love affair with the Jets is over.” Although fittingly for the avowed virgin quarterback, that affair was never really consummated.
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From T.C. “Tim Tebow may be headed for the CFL next year. Wait til he finds out that it’s not The Christian Football League.”
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President Obama is Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” If Mitt Romney, despite all the positions he took, had won the election, would Time have had to name him “People of the Year?
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Okay, it’s not as good as Senator Stephen Colbert, but South Carolina could have the most entertaining politics in the nation. Former Gov. Mark Sanford is planning to run for the seat that Senate appointee Tim Scott is vacating . Amongst possible opponents? Jenny Sanford, his ex-wife.
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John Boehner scrapped “Plan B” because he couldn’t get enough GOP votes. Why do I have a feeling that if Congressional salaries stopped as soon the US got within 2 weeks of the “fiscal cliff” that the Speaker would have a compromise with President Obama by now?
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Sarah Palin, unhappy with Barack Obama being chosen “Person of the Year” said of Time Magazine “I think there’s some irrelevancy there to tell you the truth.” Well, if anyone knows irrelevancy….
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Quote of the day from Incoming Texas State Rep. Kyle Kacal: “I’ve heard of people being killed playing pingpong—pingpongs are more dangerous than guns…. Flat-screen TVs are injuring more kids today than anything.” It’s enough to make you long for the intellectual brilliance of Rick Perry.
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At what point does President Obama get annoyed enough to propose new taxes only on millionaires and orange people?
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You know your Senator is getting old when…. Dianne Feinstein’s daughter Katherine Feinstein, who has been a SF superior court judge, is retiring.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: facebook jokes, fiscal cliff jokes, instagram jokes, Janice Hough, Tebow jokes, Tim Tebow jokes
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December 20, 2012
If we have to live in a world where crazy people can get rapid fire weapons they use for mass shootings, can someone at least make sure these homicidal maniacs have the address for and directions to the Westboro Baptist Church?
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A NASA spokesman says the agency is getting 200 to 300 people calling per day to ask about the end of the world. Darwin would be so proud.
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Note in very small print on bottom of Starbucks’ cup: “Caution, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.” Wonder how many people turn the cup to its side to try to read the message, and spill the hot beverage on themselves….
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The Los Angeles Clippers have won 11 in a row. So how long until they get a season ticket request from Jack Nicholson?
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Buffalo Bills’ center Eric Wood says the team’s annual games in Toronto are “a joke.” Fans in Toronto who watched the Bills’ latest drubbing responded “Back at ya.”‘
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Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly won AP Coach of the Year. Stanford’s David Shaw was third. If the referees had correctly called that Stephan Taylor touchdown would the voting have been reversed?
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Time Magazine has chosen the President of the United States as “Man of the Year.” I blame Obama.
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The 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick was named the NFC’s offensive player of the week. Not to be confused with Mark Sanchez, who Jets fans consider the most offensive player this week.
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from Marc Ragovin: “So its Week 16 in the NFL, and the NY Jets have announced that they are benching Mark Sanchez. “What a brilliant move” said Week 4.”
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A new British-American study said that sleeping pills like Sonata and Ambien are of “questionable clinical importance” because half of their benefit may come from a placebo effect. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.
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An unhappy Tim Tebow says he doesn’t understand why the Jets traded for him last March. That makes about 2,000,001 of us.
(and hey, makes sense to bench him if they were winning. But they sucked. At some point a rational man says “What the heck, how bad can it be?” This might be the mistake, assuming Ryan is rational.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, End of the world jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, Mayan jokes, NY Jets jokes, sports jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 18, 2012
A Visa poll found that 16% of Americans have not started their Christmas shopping yet.
These people are called “men.”
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What many people were sure of before this season: Tim Tebow is not an NFL level quarterback. What even more people are sure of now: Neither is Mark Sanchez.
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The Detroit Tigers re-signed Anibal Sanchez to a 5-year, $80 million contract, and GM Dave Dombrowski said “He’s in the prime of his career.” Well, except how do you really know when the prime of someone’s career is? Usually when he’s past it.
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One good thing for New York sports fans Monday night… the Jets knocked the Giants’ lousy performance Sunday right off the front of the sports page.
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Dina Manfredini, 115, died less than two weeks after becoming the “world’s oldest living person”. Well, that might be the only title with a shorter average life expectancy than being #3 in Al Qaeda.
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Awful that he needed to do this. Awesome that he did it. Tennessee Titans RB Chris Johnson wrote the names of all the victims at Sandy Hook school on his shoes for the MNF game tonight.
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Well, slowly our nation is returning to normal. Saw the first headlines in a few days purporting to have the all-important scoop that this time, Jennifer Aniston really is pregnant.
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So it didn’t work out for Colbert. But maybe Hawaii’s governor can now appoint Jon Stewart to the Senate.
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Bears LB Brian Urlacher complained yesterday about Chicago fans booing the team at home. Uh, Brian, there’s a way for the team to stop that….it’s called “playing better.” (or if you will, “sucking less.)
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Carolina Panthers coach Ron Rivera said he’s not sure if his resurgent 5-9 team’s latest 31 to 7 win over San Diego will save his job. Many Chargers fans are just hoping the game costs Norv Turner his.
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Pete Carroll ran a fake punt when his Seahawks were up 30 points yesterday on Buffalo. Did the now-Seattle coach think he was back at USC playing Stanford?
For those who say the Sandy Hook massacre might have been prevented if the teachers had guns to defend themselves – yeah, that worked out so well for the shooter’s mother.
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-“Our Bill of Rights does not guarantee gun manufacturers the absolute right to sell military-style, high-caliber, semi-automatic combat assault rifles with high-capacity magazines to whoever the hell they want.” This morning from that commie-pinko Joe Scarborough….
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, shopping jokes, sports jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 14, 2012
Statement we can agree on? “Violent crazy people should not have assault weapons.” Here’s the problem. Since often it’s impossible to tell in advance who is a violent crazy person and who is just odd and/or a danger only to themselves, the only way to make the statement more true is to get rid of or limit assault weapons.
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Meanwhile, okay, for those who like to quote the Constitution and amendments: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”
Okay, can we at least work on the “well-regulated” part?
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Wow, just wow. Mike Huckabee, from whom I would have expected better: “We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?” Uh right, because there has never been violence or killing in the name of religion….
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Leaving the political humor for a day. But a few lighter thoughts.
And in the midst of evil there is sometimes just plain old fashioned stupidity. Like ESPN commentator Rob Parker, fired for saying of RG3 that “Is he a brother, or is he a cornball brother. He’s kind of black, but he’s not really”
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And another relatively unimportant (but bipartisan) distraction. The NY Jets – SD Chargers game has been moved to 1p December 23, while the SF 49ers – Seattle Seahawks now play Sunday night. The story says “The 6-7 Jets and 5-8 Chargers was not the attractive matchup the network thought it would be before the season.” Uh, yeah, you can say that again.
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The 2012 New York Yankees have been hit with an $18.9 million MLB luxury tax. $18.9 million?! Or as the 2013 Los Angeles Dodgers will refer to it “chump change.”
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From T.C. “Washington State has legalized marijuana. Advocates say “it’s about time, but they should have passed this law a long time ago”….. Like when Twinkies were still available. ”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough
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December 14, 2012
Jenna Bush, daughter of George W. Bush, is pregnant. So it will be about 2058 when the child first runs for President? Hope it’s a girl.
Former President Bush is so excited about the future grandchild, W”s offered to share with the kid his favorite crayons.
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After Susan Rice withdrew her name from consideration for Secretary of State, John McCain issued a statement saying he “wishes her well.” Of course, Senator McCain may have already forgotten why he was against Rice in the first place.
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Rutgers has suspended men’s basketball coach Mike Rice for 3 games and fined him $50,000 for “inappropriate behavior and language.” In New Jersey? Really?! Something tells me this kind of sanction will never apply to the Governor’s office.
(Maybe Rice took that “Secrets of Great Coaching from Bobby Knight” manual a little too seriously.)
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Susan Rice has withdrawn her name from consideration as Secretary of State. Hey, now that Hillary’s staying home in the U.S., wonder if Bill Clinton would be interested in the job?
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Now that marijuana is legal in their states wonder how many people in Colorado and Washington are excited about today being 12-12-12?
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Josh Hamilton has signed a $125 million, 5 year deal with the Angels. What, were the Dodgers asleep?
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So the Angels signed Josh Hamilton, and the Giants signed Andres Torres. Well, one of those guys has proven he can be part of a World Series winning team.
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Rumor has it that Republican Chuck Hagel may be President Obama’s nomination as the next secretary of defense. Waiting for John McCain to object on principle
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The latest for Lindsay Lohan, she is $16k behind on her storage locker payments, and risks having her possessions put up for auction. Hmm, I see a new reality show: “Celebrity Storage Wars.”
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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, term limited out in 2014, is thinking of a legal challenge so she can run again. So these executive orders she is so fond of that enforce Arizona laws don’t apply to blondes?
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The CALM act, a new law, sponsored by Democrat Anna Eshoo, goes into effect today. It prevents TV commercials from being blared at louder volumes than their accompanying programs. So will Republicans start turning the ads up louder as a protest against government interference?
Bode Miller’s wife Morgan is recovering with 50 stitches in her face after her husband hit her with a 160 mph golf tee shot. And Elin Nordegren said “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Jenna Bush jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, McCain jokes, Susan Rice jokes
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December 13, 2012
The Pope is on Twitter. So is #Hell now a #Hashtag?
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So with the Vatican now on Twitter can Catholics tweet their confessions?
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The Golden State Warriors upset the Miami Heat 97-95 with a buzzer beating layup. Which would be important. If any regular-season game were EVER important.
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Ah, family values, and preserving the sanctity of the traditional marriage: Track Palin, Sarah’s oldest son, has filed for divorce after 19 months of marriage, to the mother of his 16 month old daughter. Should we blame the states that have allowed gay marriage?
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Texas Tech hired former QB Kliff Kingsbury, 33, as their new head FB coach. To put that in perspective, Brandon Weeden was only 5 years younger in 2011 when he was QB at Oklahoma State.
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Amazing…. Apparently when Barbara Walters interviewed Hillary Clinton as part of her “Most Fascinating People of 2012,” one of the questions was about her hair. Wonder why no one ever asks Joe Biden the same question.
John Boehner said Congress should not make Holiday plans, and that Obama’s latest fiscal cliff proposal can’t pass the House or the Senate. Uh, before we get all Grinchy, Mr. Speaker, could we actually TRY a vote? You know, democracy where majority rules and all that?
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The last batch of Hostess Twinkies hit the shelves today. While Twinkie fans may have to hurry before the sweet treats sell out, on a brighter note any extra stash can probably be willed to their grandchildren..
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Pittsburgh Steelers RB Rashard Mendenhall’s has received a one-game suspension for not showing up for last week’s game. Does that mean the NFL may similarly suspend all of the Arizona Cardinals?
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Lindsay Lohan’s probation has been revoked and so she has to head back to court in Los Angeles in January. Where no doubt the judge will give her another suspended sentence and a very stern warning.
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New Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni told a reporter “You’re starting to piss me off.” Funny, that’s exactly what Los Angeles fans are thinking about the team.
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Just saw an online ad for holiday gifts including a “unicorn horn for cats.” Wonder if the instructions to attach said horn to a cat come complete with bandages, antibiotic ointment, and the phone numbers of local urgent care clinics.
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So now that 12:12p on 12-12-12 has passed, what are people going to do to waste time for the rest of the week?
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For everyone bummed that such a fun date to write is over, cheer up, it’s only 760 days until 12-13-14.
And as my friend James Brady says, “Only 335 days to 11-12-13.
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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Thought the Encino mall Santa was in the Christmas spirit when he yelled; “Ho, ho, ho.” Turns out he was saying hi to the Kardashian sisters.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lindsay Lohan jokes, Los Angeles Lakers jokes, Pope twitter jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
December 11, 2012
In a recent survey, San Francisco was voted the second-smartest city in the U.S., finishing behind Boston. Well, except that folks from San Francisco are smart enough not to run losing campaigns for President.
Starbucks sold 5,000 limited-edition stainless steel gift cards for $450 each, which were loaded with just $400 in Starbucks credit. Now some of the cards are selling on EBay for over $1000. Because nothing says I like paying too much for fancy coffee like an overpriced gift card?
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The Colts, Seahawks, and yes, even the Redskins have a good chance of all making the playoffs in 2012. So can we get rid of the rumor that rookie QB’s can’t lead an NFL team?
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Interesting, at this point it looks like Stanford will have more people attending the Rose Bowl than attending most of this year’s home games.
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Many Americans are wondering now who will be Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” Of course many in the younger generation are wondering “What’s ‘Time Magazine.’?”‘
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Some stories this morning trying to make a big deal out of the fact that Andrew Cuomo refused to endorse Hillary Clinton for President in 2016. Suppose it’s too much to ask that we at least not start the next campaign until after Obama’s second inauguration.
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So after Pete Carroll’s Seattle Seahawks demolished the Arizona Cardinals 58-0, wonder if Jim Harbaugh sent him a text asking “So what’s YOUR deal?”
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My friend Tony Alan Banks says “Many people are surprised by the success of the Seattle Seahawks. Not me, I watched as Pete Carroll coached professional football players here at USC.”
(but hey, isn’t it nice to see Pete can do as well with less highly paid talent?)
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A Santa in Toronto, Canada has been fired after told a 3 year old boy wearing a Maple Leafs hat that his team sucked. Presumably the man is now fielding several offers from stores on the North Side of Chicago.
(and moreover, this time Santa Claus was wrong. This year so far the Leafs do not suck.)
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The 37 year old Arizona man was a co-winner in the Nov. 28 Powerball lottery says he took the one-time payout of $192 million because of the potential upcoming fiscal cliff. Right. Now there’s someone who really has to worry about a tax increase.
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The Los Angeles Dodgers new ownership has now committed $650 million to players under contract. Forget “The Boys of Summer,” we’re now approaching “The Billionaire Boys Club.”
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Former Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino has now been hired at Western Kentucky. While NFL players are restricted from all sorts of things, wonder if Petrino will be the first coach to be banned from getting on a motorcycle. Or at least from riding with a passenger.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Person of the Year jokes, Pete Carroll jokes. Starbucks jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 8, 2012
Except for the Army-Navy game, there were no college matchups games this weekend. So fans of high-level amateur football will just have to wait for the Jets-Jaguars game on Sunday.
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NY coach Rex Ryan says Tim Tebow, who has been sidelined with broken ribs, may play this week as in practice he “did a lot more on the field than he had in previous weeks.” Well, looking at the Jets recently “doing a lot more on the field” on Sunday is setting the bar pretty low.
Yeah, the NBA season is pretty meaningless in many ways, but over one week into December how many people had the Golden State Warriors significantly ahead of the Los Angeles Lakers?
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Not a joke, Pizza Hut has actually responded to requests with a limited edition “Eau de Pizza Hut” perfume, which smells of baked pizza dough and herbs. But it’s already sold out. Bad news for women who REALLY want a scent a man can’t resist.
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Many Americans probably weren’t even aware that Friday was Pearl Harbor Day, I suppose we should be glad at least that no one was using it as an excuse for a sale.
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So the U.S. Supreme Court is going to hear a case on gay marriage. After the Court’s Citizens United ruling maybe it’s time for a new tactic – i.e. if people and corporations are legally equivalent, well, then, corporate mergers have always been gender-neutral….
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According to his lawyer, Jerry Sandusky is unhappy with his solitary confinement and wants a change, believing he would be safe in the prison’s general population. Okay by me!
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Florida socialite Jill Kelley, whose complaints about threatening emails from Paula Broadwell helped break the General Petraeus scandal, reportedly is shopping a tell-all book as “payback” for the “humiliation” she has suffered. “I’d be really excited to read that” said absolutely no one.
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A worker at a New Mexico Albertson’s found a handgun and ammunition packed in a carton of frozen ribs. According to police, the meat came from the Swift Packing Plant in Greeley, Colo, marked June 8, 2011. What’s scarier – , a gun with the ribs, or the fact the meat was packed a year and a half ago?
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South Carolina governor Nikki Haley is apparently not amused by a Twitter campaign pushing her to appoint Stephen Colbert as Senator to replace Jim DeMint. But seriously, looking at some of these unfunny clowns…could Colbert do any worse?
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Serious thought -when is the NFL going to make “cars and drivers,” or at least taxis, mandatory for players? Heck, the cost for a season would be less than one fine for a late hit, or wearing a baseball cap.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, New York Jets jokes, Sandusky jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 5, 2012
Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta have reunited for a Christmas album and are appearing together to talk about “Grease,” which was 34 years ago. Of course, now the song starts “I’ve got chills, aches, a little fever, and did i tell you about my arthritis….?
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New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”
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Penn State is investigating their Chi Omega sorority after they posted an offensive Mexican party photo with members wearing fake mustaches and signs saying things like “Will mow lawn for weed and beer.” Tacky and insensitive for sure, but good to see the university acting fast when it’s something REALLY important
Just a thought, if President Obama really wants to get down and dirty with John Boehner over working out a deal, maybe he should propose a major new surcharge on tanning booths.
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While on a hunting trip this year, apparently Robin Yount accidentally hit Cubs manager Dale Sveum with shrapnel from a pellet gun. Gosh, never knew Yount had ambitions to run for vice president.
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Apparently irony is not in this man’s dictionary: Grover Norquist on President Obama – “he thinks somebody made him King,” and doesn’t know ‘where he stands in the universe.”
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Rex Ryan says he’s sticking with Mark Sanchez. Frustrated New York fans wonder how long the Jets will be sticking with Rex Ryan
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Kristin Cavallari is now confessing that most of the arguments and relationship on her former reality show “The Hills” were fake. Wow, next thing we know someone will be questioning the integrity of professional wrestling.
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Texting is 20 years old. Hard to imagine. This means in 1992 for college students to set up a booty call, they actually had to call.
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The Pope now has a Twitter account. Amazing how the Catholic Church is willing to change and adapt in the 21st century when it comes to technology but not with little things like women priests, celibacy, birth control….
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Starbucks announced plans to offer $450 stainless steel gift card.. Wow. That’s enough for at least a dozen lattes.
Cal just hired Louisiana Tech’s Sonny Dykes as their new football coach. And of course I am sure the Stanford band will treat his his coming from Louisiana, and his name with the utmost respect and decorum next year at halftime..
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, fiscal cliff jokes, Grease jokes, Janice Hough, Penn State jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 4, 2012
NY Jets coach Rex Ryan says he is undecided on next week’s starting QB, but insists he has confidence in McElroy, Tebow and Sanchez. Yikes. Has someone checked Ryan for concussions?
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Only bright spot for NY sports fans Monday? The Giants’ lackluster performance temporarily knocked the Jets off the front page.
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Five BCS games. Only five teams in those games ranked in the top ten. And only one game with a spread under 8. Guess that mean bitch karma isn’t a fan of television networks.
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The Mets are reportedly interested in trying to trade R.A. Dickey. But GM Sandy Alderson says fans should not take it as a sign that the team is pessimistic about their 2013 chances. Longtime fans are thinking. “The Mets had 2013 chances?”
Apparently Mitt Romney has gone back to work, rejoining Marriott’s board of directors. So President Obama’s job creation program is already working.
Kentucky’s men’s basketball team (4-3) fell out of the top 25 since John Calipari became coach in 2009. Calipari is so reportedly so upset with the team he might threaten the players with drastic punishment – like having to go to class.
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Really? SI’s Sportsman of the Year is Lebron James?! Are they going to have a one-hour television special about how they came to that decision?
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Derek Jeter has a broken ankle, A-Rod now needs hip surgery and will probably miss some of the 2013 season. Not saying the team is old but Yankees could end up wasting more money than a bad Medicare program.
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A recent poll showed that Americans ranked Congress as second lowest out of 22 professions for honesty and ethical standards, higher only than car sellers. On the bright side, lawyers are happy to look good by comparison.
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A New Jersey man will be arraigned today on the charge of “destruction of an aircraft” after he punched and broke a window on a JetBlue plane when he was unhappy with his seat assignment. So coming next, does this mean an airline “window security” fee?
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Serious thought for a change: An aside to the gun control debate with the Chiefs player who murdered his girlfriend, maybe this is also time to both renew the NFL’s focus on concussions? And it is DEFINITELY time to do everything possible to destigmatize professional athletes going to mental health professionals.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, Janice Hough, NY Jets jokes, Rex Ryan jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 2, 2012
Okay, going out on a limb here and willing to bet that a team wearing white and red will win the Rose Bowl.
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Before any Stanford fans freak out about the 70 points Wisconsin put up against Nebraska, two reality checks: 1. The Badgers have FIVE losses. 2. One of these losses was 10-7 against Oregon State.
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One thought going through the head of any long-time Stanford fan watching the Big Ten championship – “Thank God Ron Dayne has graduated.”
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A little perspective, please? SF Chronicle story about SF 49ers QB Alex Smith is headlined “Playing well and then a cruel twist of fate.” Uh, I have no doubt Smith is disappointed to be demoted, but he’s young, healthy and making $5 million this year – Life could be a lot worse.
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So now that we are learning that on any given Saturday any SEC team can beat another, it’s a shame we don’t really know how they match up with Pac 12 teams… Gosh, if only there was a way to compare them on the field.
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Oregon State played Nicholls State, from Thibodaux, LA, today in a “home opener” rescheduled from Sept 1. due to Hurricane Isaac. The Beavers won 77-3. Wonder if Nicholls State can re-apply for disaster relief.
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A new dating site, Meetattheairport.com, is designed for travelers to meet while they are waiting for their flights. Let’s hope the major airlines don’t get wind of this…they may start charging more for delays as potential extra mingling time.
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So what exactly does it take to get national respect? Announcers on CBS Sports just talked about how UCLA outplayed Stanford yesterday but won’t go to the Rose Bowl because they lost the game….. (really.)
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Finally some good news in the court of public opinion for Lindsay Lohan? Tiffany Williams, the woman she allegedly punched in Manhattan, has hired Gloria Allred as her lawyer.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough, rose bowl jokes, Stanford jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 29, 2012
President Obama and Mitt Romney will meet at the White House today for a post-election/pre-Christmas lunch. Wonder if they will exchange gifts?
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The NYPD announced that on Monday that for the “first time in memory” there was not a single murder in New York City. Wow. guess Cyber Monday keeps even the bad guys from working.
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Mike D’Antoni, expressing regret for leaving Phoenix, said “I should never have gone to New York.” Wonder how long it might be before he says “I should never have gone to Los Angeles?”
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Parents have apparently named their newborn girl “Hashtag.” Wonder if along with the college fund they’re putting money away for future counseling?
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Have to wonder, with San Jose State’s football team 10-2, how long until they join the Big East? Heck, they aren’t that much west of San Diego State
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Uh oh…. the Washington Wizards actually won a game. And we are only 23 days away from the end of the Mayan calendar. Should we be worried?
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Ndamukong Suh was fined $30k for kicking Matt Schaub in the groin, but claims it was “inadvertent.” Right, like he’s going to say “Of course I meant to kick a QB in the nuts?”
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We wonder sometimes how this nation got so much into debt: For starters, take a look at all the people whose idea of a retirement plan is winning the Powerball lottery.
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Starbucks is now selling a premium coffee for $6 for the smallest cup. Does it come with a designer label so you can advertise how much you spent on it?
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Marissa Mayer of Yahoo says of working motherhood: “The baby’s been easy. The baby’s been way easier than everyone made it out to be.” Gosh, even dealing with all those the nanny shift changes?
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-A thought about the 2012 GOP primary: “Half of them were probably on Fox contracts at one point in their career. You do that. You write some books. You go out and you sell some more. You get a radio gig or a TV gig out of it or something. And it’s like, you say to yourself, the barriers of entry to this game are pretty damn low.” From that liberal pundit Jon Huntsman.
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Anyone else addicted to “Nashville?” Yeah, it’s a soap, really. But great acting, good-looking people and better music than many singing reality shows.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, Marissa Mayer jokes, NBA jokes, New York jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 27, 2012
Anyone remember that Stanford opening game 20-17 football win against San Jose State? And Cardinal fans were thinking it was going to be a VERY long year. Well, guess who’s ranked #25? Yep, those San Jose State Spartans. Higher in fact, than USC.
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But really, the Spartans over the Trojans? Shouldn’t a wooden horse be involved?
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So maybe the Philadelphia Eagles and USC Trojans save contract money by just swapping coaches? Both Andy Reid and Lane Kiffin seriously underachieved this year with their professional teams.
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UCLA’s men’s basketball team lost 70-68 on Sunday to Cal Poly (San Luis Obispo). Just as well John Wooden has passed away, otherwise this would have killed him.
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The NFL will not suspend Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh will for kicking Houston Texans QB Matt Schaub in the groin. Allegedly because they weren’t sure it was intentional. You think if it were a no-name player from a sub .500 team that the league would have cared about the distinction?
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Kyrsten Sinema, elected in a very close Arizona race, will now be Congress’s first openly bisexual member. Not to be confused with a number of Congressmen who have been known to buy sex.
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Grover Norquist said today that his Americans for Tax Reform group would work to unseat Republicans who break their pledge to never vote for higher taxes. If Norquist has this much power, how do any Democrats get re-elected?
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Apparently anyone who wants to can spend $125 a ticket- $3000 a table – plus food and drink – simply to be in the same Vegas nightclub as Kim Kardashian on New Year’s Eve. (Although Kim and friends will be in a separate VIP area.) One word – “Why?”
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A recent CNN poll indicates more than 2/3 of Americans predict that congress will handle that “fiscal cliff” like “spoiled children.” Not true. Spoiled children still often act ultimately in their own self-interest.
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A-Rod and his latest girlfriend, Torrie Wilson, a former Playboy model and professional wrestler, spent the weekend in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. No word on the size of their suite, but presume it had plenty of mirrors.
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Anyone looking for material? On Cyber Monday, (or Cyber Tuesday, as the case may be) my comedy writing friend Neil Berliner and I would like to announce that all our Mitt Romney jokes will be 47% off.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Congress jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Lane Kiffin jokes, San Jose State jokes, Trojan jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
November 23, 2012
If you’re reading this, then for another year there’s one more thing to be thankful for – you’ve survived your relatives.
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And for anyone who does Black Friday shopping online, shouldn’t there be an online game you can click to where you can virtually trample or be trampled?
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As we head towards Cyber Monday, have to think retailers could get a lot more men participating if they could just figure out a way to bet on it.
Hey, if we don’t buy enough crap, we tank the economy. So shopping is actually somewhat patriotic.
New Jersey was hit by a small earthquake. Either that or Chris Christie has taken up jogging.
(and note to anyone who is offended. Christie HIMSELF tells fat jokes, so the rest of us have dispensation.)
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My friend Tarun Reddy points out the Miami Marlins FB status update today: “Skip the lines and save up to 30% on Marlins gear at marlins.com” Wonder if this also means for other MLB teams that there will be a 30% discount on any remaining Marlins players..
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Ben Roethlisberger and his wife Ashley just had their first child, a boy. Disappointing all those who were hoping for a girl so that someday Big Ben could watch her grow up and start going out to bars.
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So throwing a challenge flag on a play that should be automatically reviewed not only is a penalty, but makes the play unreviewable? What a shame for Detroit that they didn’t have replacement refs who wouldn’t have known that stupid rule.
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Guess it wouldn’t have been Thanksgiving without Ndamukong Suh being a douchebag.
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Lots of controversy over Thanksgiving night store openings:. While I understand the problems for employees, it does make a certain amount of sense. Families could go right from watching football to participating in the real American contact sport – shopping.
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The Los Angeles Lakers just lost 97-113 to the Sacramento Kings. Have the calls already started to fire Mike D’Antoni?
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It’s a Happy Thanksgiving in 49 states. Dallas lost.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: black friday jokes, cyber shopping jokes, Janice Hough, shopping jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
November 21, 2012
Really? A recent study indicates that 70% of teens have concealed their online behavior from parents. Uh, don’t at least 70% of teens regularly conceal most things from parents?
So in future will proof of age be required to purchase a “Tickle Me Elmo?”
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Tacky alert: Two of this year’s new Sesame Street toys are “LOL Elmo” and “Let’s Rock! Elmo.” Will they now be known as “OMG Elmo” and “Let’s Get Your Rocks Off! Elmo?”
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A woman is recovering after being shot in the leg Tuesday night during an argument with another shopper in a supermarket near Los Angeles. Wow. Black Friday just starts earlier every year.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:
AAA declares today the busiest traveling day; and, due to dealing with relatives, AA declares Thursday the busiest drinking day.
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ESPN got a 12 year contract for the new college football playoff starting after the 2014 season. So for fans tired of East Coast Bias, we can now look forward to East Coast + SEC Bias.
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Where do you go when you lose an election? Mitt Romney was seen with his grandchildren at Disney World yesterday. (Good for him. But I blame Obama.)
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The SF 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick said after Monday’s game “I don’t want there to be a (QB) controversy.” And the Chicago Bears responded, “Well, heck, you could have taken care of that with a few interceptions.”
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So much for bipartisan anything. Here’s PETA to President Obama on his Thanksgiving pardon:. “Turkeys do not need to be ‘pardoned’-they are not guilty of anything other than being born into a world of prejudice. They are innocents who should be respected for who they are: good mothers, smart birds, and interesting animals.”
The Florida Marlins’ current 2013 opening day payroll? $36 million. To put that in perspective, that makes the Oakland A’s ($59 million) look like big spenders.
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For further perspective, A-Rod’s one year 2013 salary- $30 million. Although A-Rod and the Marlins have something in common. Neither are relevant in October.
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For General Petraeus, it could be worse. In Vienna, a woman confessed in court to shooting, sawing up and freezing both her ex-husband and her lover, and then burying them under her store in 2008 and 2010, and then burying them in the basement. (She was extradited from Italy for the trial after workers installing pipes found some body parts, and is currently pregnant by ANOTHER man.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Elmo jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, Thanksgiving jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 21, 2012
San Francisco just voted to ban public nudity. Can they work on Spandex next?
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And in the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up, department”, the San Francisco Supervisor who originally proposed the public nudity ban? Scott Wiener.
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USC redshirt freshman quarterback Max Wittek is making his first start Sat. against #1 Notre Dame. And said today “I’m gonna go out there, I’m gonna play within myself, within the system, and we’re gonna win this ballgame.” Well he may be young, but if nothing else, Wittek’s cocky enough to be a true Trojan.
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So as a result of a Twitter challenge, Cory Booker and one of his “followers” may both try to live on food stamps for a week. Actually, if a New Jersey leader should attempt to live on a restricted diet, shouldn’t it be Chris Christie?
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And for all those who wondered, where’s the missing piece in this sleazy saga…. Natalie Khawam (the twin sister of Jill Kelley, who was the woman General Petraeus’s mistress threatened in emails), just held a press conference with her new attorney, Gloria Allred.
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Hostess said today they failed to reach an agreement in mediation with their union and will continue their liquidation proceedings. So guess all those Ebay Twinkie auctions are back on.
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Now it makes sense: According to ESPN, Rutgers should receive about $24 million a year as part of the Big Ten, compared to $6 million football members of the Big East got last year. In return, the Big Ten gets a member in the largest media market in the country… I guess geography matters after all.
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Plaxico Burress is back with the Steelers. Apparently Pittsburgh decided to take a shot at it.
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Some Ohio State fans apparently have started a petition asking President Obama to revoke their probation and 2012 Bowl Ban. Who do they think they are? An SEC team?
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Meanwhile, Maryland is heading to the Big Ten. In nearby Washington, fans wonder if they could take the Wizards with them.
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Guessing those “Tickle Me Elmo” dolls aren’t going to be such a hot seller this Christmas.
(Or will they be stocked in “adult boutiques”?)
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Cal AD Sandy Barbour on the firing of football coach Jeff Tedford. “This was an extraordinarily difficult decision, one that required a thorough and thoughtful analysis of a complex set of factors.” Wow, and Barbour said it with a straight face.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Big Ten jokes, Janice Hough, San Francisco nudity ban jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 20, 2012
Well, if the SF 49ers’ Alex Smith didn’t have a headache before tonight.
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Will Smith go down in history as the 49ers Wally Pipp?
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A bug in the new version of Google’s mobile operating system omits the month of December. And a whole lot of stressed out folks responded “and the problem with that is…?”
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Hostess Brands and a key union just agreed to tried to mediate their dispute, so the company may not shut down after all. This is bad news for folks who bought thousands of Twinkies to sell on Ebay. I blame Obama.
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Eagles’ coach Andy Reid said he won’t resign, because quitting would be a “cop-out” after he has asked the players to keep fighting. And Philadelphia fans are thinking, “Hey, it’s okay, think of your family, relax, take some time off…
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Rutgers and Maryland to the Big 10?!! Right, because when you think of the Midwest, you think of New Jersey and Maryland.
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Going into the last regular season college football weekend, who’d a thunk the most popular team at BCS headquarters might well be Kent State? No joke. Had Kent State not upset Rutgers, the Big East’s Scarlet Knights would be undefeated, and two wins away from a legitimate claim over a one-loss SEC team to be in the championship game.
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David Beckham announced that he is leaving the Los Angeles Galaxy after the MLS Cup on Dec. 1. Retiring? Of course not? Who do we think he is? Brett Favre?
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Petraeus biographer Paula Broadwell apparently is telling friends she is ‘devastated” by the fallout from their relationship. Here’s a hint for the future Paula – if you have to have an affair, it’s best not to go batshit crazy to “defend” it.
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The man who recanted his accusation of underage sex against Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash now apparently wants to recant his recantation, along with the $125,000 settlement. Even General Petraeus is thinking “Bad person to have a relationship with, dude.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, BCS jokes, Big Ten jokes, Colin Kaepernick jokes, Janice Hough, Petraeus jokes, Rutgers jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 17, 2012
Most analysts think that despite the Hostess liquidation, the Twinkies brand will eventually live on with another company. And hey, given the shelf life of the current product, Twinkies fans who stock up have another decade or two to find out.
Apparently Kate Middleton has declined both Kim Kardashian’s request to meet for tea, and free samples from the Kardashian British line, which according to the National Enquirer includes skintight sequin minidresses, pleather pants and blue leopard-print tops. Yep, Kate is DEFINITELY adding points to the IQ of the British royal gene pool.
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My husband asked who I am mad at over the Hostess shutdown: It’s a multiple answer: I’m mad at the unions for making this easy, I’m mad at management for the loss of all jobs, and I’m mad at the media for buying into the idea that reasonable union concessions would have made a long term difference.
(And really, could anyone imagine “Whole Grain High Fiber Twinkies”? Or “Gluten-Free Twinkies”? Or whatever the market seems to require these days?)
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What anti-West Coast bias. The headline on Foxsports.com – “Baylor Women’s Streak Ends.” Uh, how about, “Stanford Women end Baylor Women’s Streak?
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Advance reviews of the made-for-tv movie “Liz and Dick” have been scathing, but Lindsay Lohan is apparently unfazed because she refuses to read them. Makes sense, as if most people now question if Lohan is ABLE to read reviews.
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NFL ref Tony Corrente has been fined by the league for some on-field obscenities during a game Nov 4. Wow, if an obscene performance on the field is a fineable offense, the whole NY Jets team may be charged for their last several games.
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A surprising number of stories in the national media about the chances for Stanford to beat Oregon. (Which as a Stanford alum I still think is quite unlikely.) Is Stanford getting some respect? Or is the media all hoping someone knocks off the Ducks to get an SEC team back in the BCS national championship?
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At a Washington, D.C. gala last month, Paula Broadwell apparently bragged to other guests that she and General Petraeus were “collaborating on other projects.” You can say that again.
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I’m sorry, but when a corporation (in this case the Atlantis Resort box office on Paradise Island) says on a recorded message for several days running “Your call is important to us. Please try back later.”, it means “Your call is not that important to us.”
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Holland America Line is going to have 6 themed “Dancing with the Stars cruises, with production numbers and opportunities to meet “celebrities” and dance professionals from the show. Well that ought to make it easier from millions of wives to convince their husbands to cruise….
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The NCAA just announced additional penalties against the Tennessee football program involving a case with one of Lane Kiffin’s assistant coaches in 2009. Anyone want to join the pool on when the USC Trojans are going back on probation?.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Hostess jokes, Janice Hough, Jill Kelley jokes, Twinkies jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 