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Cold days…

January 25, 2013

Icy cold temperatures are still blanketing the Northeast. But back in Southern California the only serious frost remaining is between Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard.

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It’s an axiom in business that no one is irreplaceable. And somewhere Steve Jobs is thinking “Wrong again, suckers.”

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In a radio interview today about the Super Bowl, Jackie Harbaugh said. “I know one is going to win and one is going to lose but I really would like it to end in a tie. Can the NFL do that?” Paging Bud Selig!

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Sammy Sosa thinks he belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Even Manti T’eo thinks “that’s delusional.”

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Hardest thing to believe about this Manti T’eo story? Maybe that in a era of “friends with benefits,” a young man who is a good looking star athlete would be willing to have a girlfriend without benefits.

 

The San Jose Sharks are 3-0. Which means that despite the strike the team is still ready to have a great season and then disappoint their fans in the playoffs.

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Asked a question about John Boehner’s contention that Obama is trying to annihilate the GOP, White House spokesman Jay Carney said that is not the President’s goal, and that he “would object” if the GOP was destroyed. What he didn’t add was “anyway, the Republicans seem to be doing a good job of that on their own.”

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John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, told Mother Jones, “Climate change is perfectly natural and not necessarily bad.” Wonder the reaction if you quoted that line at Whole Foods to the cashier next time you forget to bring your own bag.

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American Idol has done the impossible – make most Americans miss Paula Adbul.

 

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Two men are suing Lance Armstrong and his book publishers for fraud and false advertising because they say his two memoirs are full of lies. Wonder how long it will take bookstores to move all remaining copies to the “Fantasy” section.

or, (with an assist from my friend James Brady), considering the biotech involved, maybe the books should be in the “Science Fiction” section…

 

Did she or didn’t she? Now some say Beyonce was not lip-synching at President Obama’s inaugural, but just singing along to a pre-recorded track. How long until the GOP calls for a congressional investigation?

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In New Mexico, state Rep. Cathrynn Brown introduced a bill where a woman who aborted a pregnancy resulting from rape would be charged with a felony for “tampering with evidence.” Wow. Proving that today’s GOP doesn’t even need men to be anti-woman.

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Fighting words.

January 24, 2013

Secretary of State Leon Penetta today officially lifted the U.S.  military ban on women in combat.

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Anyone who doesn’t think women will be able to hold their own in combat has clearly never been to the first day of an after-Christmas sale.

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Phil Mickelson says his comments over maybe leaving California over taxes were “dumb” and that “it was insensitive to talk about it publicly to those people who are not able to find a job, that are struggling paycheck to paycheck.” Give Phil credit, he’s quicker with a damage control than many politicians.

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The longest two weeks in football – Super Bowl hype time. ESPN says the Chicago Cubs “did everything they could to talk Colin Kaepernick into playing baseball in 2009.” Uh, they drafted him in the 43rd round….

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Sacramento basketball fans are hoping against hope that a deal will be struck to keep Seattle from taking their Kings. Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, fans are close to begging anyone to take the Lakers.

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Regarding Tim Brown’s allegation that coach Bill Callahan “sabotaged” the Raiders in the Super Bowl…. Uh, the Patriots’ offensive coaches have to hope nobody tells this story to Gisele Bundchen.

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Trader Joe’s is raising the price of “Two-Buck Chuck,” a wine that has been $1.99 a bottle since 2002, to $2.49. I blame Obama.

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Cheap shots, concussions, DUI’s, isn’t it great to see that the NFL is focusing on what’s truly important ? The league fined 49ers’ RB Frank Gore $10,500 for wearing his socks too low during the NFL Championship Game. To be fair, it was his second offense this season….

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The NCAA is now apparently facing allegations of improper conduct in its OWN enforcement program for college athletics. In related news, I hear there might still be gambling in Casablanca.

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Manti Te’o said he only lied about his fake girlfriend briefly, just after he found out she wasn’t real in early December. So, okay, but if Deadspin hadn’t broken the story, how many more years would he have kept the fiction up?.

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Comedy writers might be feeling a little let down this week, after the Manti T’eo and Lance Armstrong stories last week. But wait, JaMarcus Russell is making a comeback. Thank you, Jesus!

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Rand Paul today in attacking Hillary Clinton called Benghazi “the worst tragedy since 9/11. And I really mean that.” Uh, really? Benghazi was awful. But the worst? Some parents in Sandy Hook and thousands of military parents might disagree, for starters.

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From Marc Ragovin:  “The Tampa Bay Rays, formerly the Devil Rays, have signed Juan Oviedo, who used to go by the name of Leo Nunez, just weeks after signnig Roberto Hernandez, who was once known as Fausto Carmona. Their home opener is against …… The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.”

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Oh, brother.

January 21, 2013

Harbaugh Bowl here we come.

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The story is that Joanie Harbaugh, sister to John and Jim, is the most competitive of the Harbaugh siblings. Wonder how many NFL teams will be lining up to offer her a contract.

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Actually the Super Bowl itself should be no problem. But what John and Jim Harbaugh’s parents really want to do is to hide out from the media for 13 days of interview hell.

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Well, now that the SF 49ers are going to the Super Bowl, maybe they finally can get some corporation to pony up over $300 million for naming rights for their as yet unnamed Santa Clara stadium opening in 2014.

Monte T’eo has agreed to an televised interview with Katie Couric. Did even Oprah find his potential explanations unbelievable?

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Okay, I know I personally got distracted by the Manti T’eo girlfriend issue and Lance Armstrong but watching the 49ers Falcons game have to figure the  NFL outlawed pass defense last week while we weren’t paying attention?

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Happiest football fans in the country right now: anyone who went to Vegas and bet the “over” on the 49ers-Falcons. (Which was about 49.)

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Open note to all NFL players: Yes, I understand your exuberance over a good play, but is it really necessary to dance when it’s early in the first quarter?

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It took over five hours for Novak Djokovic to beat Stanislas Wawrinka in an Australian Open match. Five hours?! That’s almost as long as the opening remarks for a Joe Biden speech.

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Although the New York Jets hired Philadelphia Eagles offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg, they apparently have no interest in Michael Vick. Which is bad news, for comedy writers.

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Missed SNL this week, of course with Manti T’eo, Lance Armstrong, Jodie Foster’s speech, etc…felt like the entire week was an episode of SNL.

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At Newark Airport, a United Airlines employee was injured today when he was pinned between a luggage cart and a food service truck. Most travelers were shocked – United still has food trucks?

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Love Story for our time?

January 19, 2013

Having a fake girlfriend means never having to say you’re sorry.

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How quickly things can change. Was it only last week that the most talked about story involving a college football player and his girlfriend involved Brent Musberger?

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So someday will they make a documentary about this Subway Footlong controversy, and name it “Jared and the Angry Inch?”

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Cincinnati lineman Andre Smith was arrested Friday and charged with carrying a loaded gun at Atlanta’s airport. Well even though they are out of the playoffs, good to see that the Bengals are keeping in mid-season form.

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Regarding this latest NFL player caught with a loaded handgun at the airport: women may carry purses and have no idea of everything that’s inside them… but we don’t tend to forget things like a loaded .380 pistol.

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Private gun sales are being banned at a North Carolina gun show after three people were injured in an accidental shooting involving a 12-gauge shotgun. Waiting for the NRA to demand armed guards at gun shows

 

 

As we head into Inaugural weekend, the Dow and S&P 500 finished the week at their highest levels since December 2007. I blame Obama.

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The NHL opens their strike-shortened season tonight. Responded most Americans – “did we miss something?” –

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In a recent Gallup poll, 75% of Americans said they would vote for term limits for the House and Senate. About the same percentage who vote to re-elect their own members of Congress.

 

The SF 49ers’ Michael Crabtree is being questioned in a sexual assault case. Where’s a fantasy girlfriend when you need one?

 

With all these hoaxes going around has anyone checked to make sure if the Washington Wizards really won that road game against the Denver Nuggets Thursday?

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Earl Weaver passed away Saturday morning at the age of 82. Wonder who he’ll be kicking dirt on in heaven tonight?

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Hard as it might be for the younger generation to understand, Stan Musial became an icon without ever appearing on SportsCenter.

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from my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  ” How annoying was Nicki Minaj on “American Idol”? If Nicki Minaj was Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend, he would have broken up with her before she died.”

 

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Life in the fantasy lane.

January 18, 2013

Some are criticizing Manti T’eo for still talking about his girlfriend even after he found out she wasn’t real. But hey, plenty of people live with a fantasy they know doesn’t exist… like Cubs fans and their team in the World Series..

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Lance Armstrong not getting much positive feedback from his Oprah interview. Even O.J. Simpson is thinking “Dude, show some remorse.”

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Lance Armstrong told Oprah in the second part of his interview, that “I think I deserve” another chance. And “do I want to compete again? Hell, yes.”

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Will he ever be allowed to compete again?  IMHO, Hell, no.

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So when can we expect a Pulitzer Prize winning story on Manti T’eo and his girlfriend to be written by Janet Cooke?

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So, as this Lance Armstrong saga just won’t go away, anyone else hoping that the silver lining is that Sheryl Crow writes a really good song out of it?

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The FDA has now also approved Botox for treating patients with overactive bladder. So women who want to pretend they aren’t having work done can walk into the doctor’s office carrying a box of Depends.

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This Manti Te’o story gets weirder and weirder. Many college football fans are already hoping to get back to a more innocent time when the only fakes involving players are their transcripts.

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TSA wants all 535 members of Congress to start use Pre-Check lanes, as they “are known and trusted.” As if we needed more proof that the agency is out of touch -“known” yes, but “trusted?” Really?

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At Miami International Airport no one was injured but an Aerolineas Argentinas Airbus and Air France 777 sustained damage in a collision near their gates. Insert “foreign drivers in Florida” joke here:

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: University of California President Mark Yudof’s, who presided over a reduced pension plan for UC employees, has announced he will retired in August. Because the timing will mean Yudof will have been on the job five years, he will collect a lifetime pension of $230,000…..

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The SF Giants have signed Hunter Pence to a $13.8 million one year contract. Thus making his clubhouse pep talk before the Giants first elimination game the best paid speech in history.

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Ray Nagin, former Mayor of New Orleans, was indicted today on 21 federal corruption charges, including bribery, money laundering, fraud and filing false tax returns. Gosh, this almost qualifies Nagin to run for Governor of Louisiana.

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In Connecticut, a Catholic priest busted for allegedly dealing crystal meth was suspended after church officials discovered he was a cross-dresser who was having sex in the rectory with other. men. The Vatican is relieved, at least his partners were adults.

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He’s back….

January 18, 2013

clint

Photo sent to me by a friend of Clint  back  at work. This time  interviewing Manti T’eo’s girlfriend.

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One advantage to those imaginary girlfriend’s. They never ask you “Do these pants make me look fat?”

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Notre Dame is in major damage control mode.  Rumor has it they first tried to prove the girlfriend’s existence, but soon realized that proof of her voting in Chicago wouldn’t count.

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So what was Manti Te’o’s major at Notre Dame? Drama? Or Creative Writing?

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Marc Ragovin wonders if Manti went to Notre Dame or No Dame?

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This just in, as a way to cut down on illegitimate children and embarrassment to the league, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is recommending all players start having fantasy girlfriends.

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A silver lining for having a fantasy girlfriend? Manti T’eo will now forever be the favorite football player of a million Trekkies.

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And just last week we thought the most embarrassing thing to happen to Notre Dame football this year would be their performance against Alabama….

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Not sure if Lance Armstrong has any regrets after this week, but at least he has to be glad he didn’t plan to blame his doping on an imaginary girlfriend.

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Also not sure how much truth was in Lance Armstrong’s interview with Oprah.   But as to these sentences…  “This is too late. It’s too late for probably most people. And that’s my fault…” Yeah, right on all three counts.

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Things are getting contentious again in Washington. Fully expect House Republicans to ask President Obama to cut costs by exchanging Air Force One for a Dreamliner.

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Boeing 787 Dreamliners around the world have been grounded due to potential fire risk with battery failures. United Airlines, the only U.S. carrier to fly the planes, says they will resume flying 787s when it is both deemed safe and they figure out how to charge a battery surcharge.

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In a closed-door meeting Rep. Paul Ryan gave other House Republicans his advice about how to battle President Obama. Well yeah, and that worked so well last November.

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Ah, priorities. Arnold Schwarzenegger introduced himself in an online post, in order as “Former Mr. Olympia, Conan, Terminator, and Governor of California.” Well, to be fair, Arnold had more success with the first three.

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Fast food uproar after an Australia man posted a picture of a Subway foot-long sandwich that he measured at 11 inches. Women are rolling their eyes, figuring clearly it was a man who over-advertised the length in the first place.

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Whole Foods founder and CEO John Mackey says now he regrets recently comparing Obamacare to “fascism.” Mostly because someone probably told him that most Whole Foods customers voted for the President.

(although speaking of feeling like being in  a fascist system, try going into Whole Foods without a reusable bag…oh the horror.  I think in Northern California you’d stand out less with a Romney-Ryan button.)

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Fantasy football?

January 17, 2013

A Notre Dame Heisman candidate with a fake dead girlfriend…. As my friend Michael Santos says “Manti Teo, everyone’s favorite fantasy pick…”   –

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A rout MIGHT have been expected, but okay, with this year’s BCS National Championship, who predicted that the Alabama football program could also end up on the higher moral ground?

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And here most people thought the 2013 BCS game was the most embarrassing thing that could happen to Notre Dame football.   –

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November 30, 2013. Notre Dame vs. Stanford football in Palo Alto. Wonder if the the Stanford Band has already been warned “Don’t even DREAM of a dead girlfriend show…”

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American Idol started tonight. Which will be a nice diversion for Americans tired of watching Congress – aka American Idle.

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While a Southern California teacher lost her appeal over being fired for previous acting in porn films, up in Northern California, a police officer arrested when he was caught naked in a Motel 6 with a prostitute still has his job. What a country.

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Alex Rodriguez underwent successful hip surgery today. With an average 6-month recovery time the Yankees slugger expects to be back in plenty of time to do nothing in the playoffs.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  “The Post Office will sue Lance Armstrong for the $30 million in sponsorship money. That is when you know you’re in trouble when the Post Office is suing you for doing a bad job.”

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I’m thinking maybe Lance can pay them back by sharing some of his stuff. Because if any government agency needs PEDs..

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All this commotion about Lance Armstrong… Think how much better his reputation would be in the long run if years ago he just came out and said “Yeah, I doped, you couldn’t find a cyclist who didn’t. But I was the only one who did it after surviving cancer.”

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This Lance Armstrong circus coming on the heels of the Baseball Hall of Fame vote is making me long for the innocence of pro wrestling.

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Talk show host Michael Savage says you shouldn’t get a flu shot, because the government can’t be trusted. And presumably when you get sick you shouldn’t go to any doctor who went to public school or got his/her MD from a state university?

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ESPN reports that after USC lost to Georgia 21-7 in the Sun Bowl a “flat-out brawl” broke out in the team’s locker room. The brawl probably featured the Trojans hitting hard than they did in the game.

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Chip Kelly is very optimistic about his new job in Philadelphia. The new Eagles coach even figures by his second season he will finally have a team good enough to beat Alabama.

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Philadelphia fans are excited about getting Chip Kelly. Stanford fans are pretty pleased too!

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Kim Kardashian said on the Today Show that her pregnancy was a “pleasant surprise” because of her “fertility issues.” Gosh, so she was struggling to conceive all 72 days of her marriage?

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Golden girl?

January 14, 2013

Hollywood is abuzz about Jodie Foster’s semi-coming out speech at  the Golden Globes speech tonight.  Which really was about as shocking  a bombshell will have to wait for Lance Armstrong’s confession will be to Oprah.

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Forget the controversy over whether or not “Zero Dark Thirty” needs a disclaimer…. no one’s going to top Amy Poehler’s line on director Kathryn Bigelow. ““When it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron.”

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If any woman didn’t already have enough reasons to love Hugh Jackman, hard to beat closing an award acceptance speech by telling your wife she is ALWAYS right.

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Saw “Argo” Sunday.  I’m no film critic. But hard to believe there were really five directors who did a better job in 2012 than Ben Affleck.  (And apparently the Hollywood Foreign Press agrees with me.)

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The NY Mets apparently are taking a look at erstwhile SF Giants closer Brian Wilson. What’s more optimistic – that Wilson will return to form after his second Tommy John surgery? Or that the Mets will have games to close?

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In Paris, hundreds of thousands of people marched to protest the French president’s plan to allow gay couples to marry and adopt children. And this is the country that ridicules the U.S. for making a big deal of politicians who have mistresses?

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The world’s oldest person, Koto Okubo, 115, died Saturday in Japan. The best part of this story – she had lived in the same nursing home as one of her sons.

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Who knows what next week will bring . But Atlanta Falcons may have set a record today for survival after serious self-asphyxiation.

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Denver Broncos thought they were the biggest NFL choke story of the year. Turns out they were barely the biggest choke story of the weekend.

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49ers fans may not like the prospect of going to Atlanta, but SF Bay Area fans sure had to enjoy the look on Pete Carroll’s face at the end of the Falcons-Seahawks game.

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Colin Powell said today on “Meet the Press” that he’s still a member of the Republican Party. The questions is whether some GOP members of Congress can honestly say the same thing.

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Nate Silver predicted that the Seattle Seahawks would be in the Super Bowl. Maybe Pete Carroll should have consulted with Silver as to whether he thought the odds favored icing the Falcons’ field goal kicker.

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January 13 was apparently the 12th annual “No Pants Subway Ride” day around the world. Which means for those in the know that  January 14 will be the 12th annual “Stand Up Instead of Sitting on the Subway Seats” day.

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From Bill Littlejohn:    “Callers to 9-1-1 in Virginia reported seeing a lion that turned out to be a dog.  Detroit fans can certainly identify.”

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Not dead, sleeping?

January 13, 2013

There are rumors that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is actually dead. Even so he might be more effective than the U.S Congress.

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So how did the Broncos somehow snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory tonight? Is it just possible that maybe God doesn’t want Tim Tebow disrespected?

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A New York City school bus strike could start Wednesday and might keep 152,000 children from getting to class. Talk about a way to turn impressionable young minds into union sympathizers.

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So after almost a month of post-season football I’m confused, which playoff game is sponsored by Poulan Weed-Eater?

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Just once would like to see a defensive player flagged for pass interference indicate “Yeah, you caught me” as opposed to the injured innocence “Who, me?” –
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Even Doug Flutie is thinking that Flacco pass  was unbelievable.Beyonce apparently is now releasing a sonogram of her pregnancy with Blue Ivy. Enough to make you long for the innocent old days of wardrobe malfunctions.
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Theo Epstein says the Chicago Cubs don’t want to be known as “loveable losers.” So he’s going to have them stop being loveable?
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Wells Fargo posted a record profit in its 2012 fourth quarter. You know what that means- banking fees are going up.
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Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who resigned after the fallout from his extramarital affair, will announce that he will run in a special election for a House seat. Amongst his likely opponents, Sanford’s ex-wife Jenny. Now there’s a debate I’d pay to watch.
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The Toronto Blue Jays have signed catcher Henry Blanco, 41 to a 1-year $750,000 non-guaranteed contract. “Only one year? Give the young man some time to develop,” said Jamie Moyer.
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So who did Peyton Manning think he was at the end near the end of that Ravens-Broncos game?  Brett Favre?
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The White House has responded to petitions from Americans in several states asking permission to secede, saying the Supreme Court confirmed the “Constitution, in all its provisions, looks to an indestructible Union composed of indestructible States.” In short, “no”. But really, would it kill us to lose Florida?
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Gary M. on the Kobe-Vanessa Bryant reconciliation – “They likely just sat down and hashed everything out over a couple of DeBeers.”

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Can we handle the truth?

January 12, 2013

USA Today says that Lance Armstrong will admit to doping in his interview with Oprah Winfrey. What’s Oprah’s next scoop…getting Joan Rivers to admit she’s had work done?

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Kobe Bryant and his estranged wife Vanessa have reconciled. Men want the name of Kobe’s lawyer. Women want the name of his jeweler.

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Okay, so he was talking about the struggles of the Lakers vs. those of the Heat.   But Lebron James’ direct quote was “No one will ever be able to compare to what we went through.” Proving that color is no barrier to “white people problems”

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Anyone but me have a problem with the NRA’s plan to arm people that many of their constituency consider union thugs?

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Three juniors from Alabama have announced they will leave school early to enter the NFL Draft. It’s not just the money, the players figure football will be much less stressful without worrying about not going to class.

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.The Dallas Cowboys have hired Monte Kiffin as their defensive coordinator. USC Trojans fans are just hoping Monte will try to bring his son with him.

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In the Ohio House, Rep. Peter Beck faces an ethics investigation due to a civil lawsuit alleging he participated in a fraud that cheated investors out of more than $1 million. But Speaker William Batchelder still appointed King chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee. Guess this translates, “If you have the Means, we will find a Way.”

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You can’t make this stuff up: Airline traveler asks if he can have an exit row seat for his mother as she has a hard time moving around and needs the legroom.

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Georgia Rep. Phil Gingrey, an OB-GYN, said Todd Akin was “partly right” when he said women’s bodies can avoid pregnancy in cases of “legitimate rape,” because adrenaline can cause you not to ovulate. Forget this women’s bodies shutting down stuff, what can we do to get some men’s mouths to shut down?

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After the HOF vote Roger Clemens tweeted that he wasn’t “overly surprised” but thanking his supporters and ending the statement “Muchie Peachie.” “Muchie Peachie?!” OK, steroids don’t just shrink your testicles, they turn you into a 10 yr old girl.

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For $100, Facebook users can send a message to Mark Zuckerberg’s inbox. Wonder how much they charge to have him read it?

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Phil Jackson said the Lakers might have a “come to Jesus moment” to make the playoffs. Maybe, but more like a Jesus moment involving Lazarus.

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Anyone needing a reason to try turning into “Nashville” on Wednesday nights, try this line, when one singer accuses another of hating her -“”I only hate sunburns and hangovers, this is just business.”

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Nate Silver is now predicting the Seattle Seahawks will make the Super Bowl. Of course real brilliance would have been to make that prediction in September.

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How do they get that “dumb jock” image?

January 11, 2013

Oakland Raiders LB Rolando McClain was cited in Georgia for overly dark tinted car windows. But he signed the citation “F*ck y’all,” and told the officer it was his real name.   McClain was then arrested for giving a false name to law enforcement.

The Pittsburgh Steelers waived RB Chris Rainey after an arrest for domestic violence, a  little more than 2 years after he was dismissed from the U of Florida football team for a similar arrest and reinstated 28 days later by then coach Urban Meyer. Yeah, clearly Rainey learned his lesson….

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Instead of toys, McDonald’s restaurants in England are now giving away books with Happy Meals. Responded many U.S. children “What are books?”

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Jerry Buss said the Lakers are a “very, very solid team.” “Solid?”” Right, like petrified wood.

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Smart people, foolish choices: Stanford decided to have a Rose Bowl celebration featuring trophy photo opportunities, and team autographs before a men’s basketball game. And the date and time they picked – 7p, Sat. Jan 12.    Not like any football fans in the Bay Area will be doing anything.

(for non-football fans,  SF 49ers-Green Bay at 5p, in San Francisco.)

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New Jacksonville GM David Caldwell says he can’t “imagine a scenario where” Tim Tebow “will be a Jacksonville Jaguar.” Well, and the team has been doing so well without him.

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In Berkeley, CA, residents are fighting a proposed new 24-hour 7- Eleven. Wow. If there’s ever a city where folks NEED that 3:00am Doritos fix….

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from Marc Ragovin:   (groaner time)    “Kevin Garnett, who has a history of lobbing personal insults at opponents, is once again under fire for telling Carmelo Anthony that his wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios during a recent game. I think it’s pretty obvious that Garnett is a cereal offender.”

Keith Ratliff, who called himself a “gun nut” and worked on Youtube videos for a site focused on high-powered firearms, was found shot to death in his Georgia home. (Police said the home contained “multiple weapons.”) Yeah, karma’s a mean bitch, and so is her sister “irony.”

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Just don’t understand the Academy’s snub of Ben Affleck. I mean, I’ve never even heard a whisper that the Argo director was taking PEDs.

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Some reports indicate almost 10% of MLB players have a prescription for Adderall, an amphetamine used to treat ADHD. Yet, without a prescription, taking the drug is grounds for suspension in baseball and football. Okay, your move, Hall of Fame voters….

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A California high school student is in custody after a teacher talked him into dropping his shotgun. This after the 16 year old allegedly had shot at two fellow students and critically wounded one. Waiting for the NRA to say the teacher should have just been armed and returned fire.

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BCS Controversy?

January 9, 2013

ESPN apologized for Brent Musburger’s comment.about QB A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend Katherine Webb, Miss Alabama: “You quarterbacks, you get all the good-looking women. What a beautiful woman. Wow!” I guess the comment can be seen as objectifying, but really, isn’t that partly the purpose of the Miss USA pageant?

 

Another thought on all this controversy over Brent Musberger’s “beautiful woman” etc. comment during last night’s game: Faith Hill is a great singer. But does anyone think she’d be doing the intro song for Sunday Night Football if she looked like Susan Boyle?

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Rough morning after in South Bend. Last time Notre Dame alums were so embarrassed, priests were involved.

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Lance Armstrong reportedly will give a tell-all interview to Oprah. So will he jump up and down on her couch yelling “I loved PEDs?”

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Phil Jackson told an interviewer today “I have no intention of ever coaching again.” Translation, let’s see how desperate the Lakers get next year.

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The Obama administration says they may pull all troops from Afghanistan in 2014. Why wait?

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Shocking. The screenwriter for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie said in an interview that “There is going to be a lot of sex in the film, it will be rated NC-17.” Which still means the odds of being seated behind a couple trying to bring a baby in are better than you think.

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Good news, bad news for Congress: A Public Policy Polling survey showed they are less popular than than cockroaches, lice, root canals and colonoscopies. But they were more popular than John Edwards, the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, and gonorrhea.

(of course, given gerrymandered districts, one difference between Congress and gonorrhea….it’s easier to get rid of gonorrhea.)

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The Jets have said quarterbacks coach Matt Cavanaugh will not return in 2013. And Cavanaugh has to be thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

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David Bowie, 66, has a new single. And he’s thinking of redoing some old music. Of course now when Ziggy Stardust falls he can’t rise up.

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Gary M’s comment on Rand Pauls 19 yr old son being arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct….

“On US Air, he was a criminal. On American, he would’ve been a pilot.”

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Star DE recruit Kylie Fitts, set to enroll at USC next week, decommitted today from the Trojans: :Something happened recently that questioned my trust in USC, so I’m reopening my recruitment.” Broken trust? With Lane Kiffin involved? I am shocked, shocked. …

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The 2013 college football schedule is out, and the only top 10 teams Alabama is facing are Texas A & M and LSU…. But hey, maybe Tennessee-Chattanooga can derail the three-peat.

 

A new Facebook AP “Help,  My Friend Gave Me the Flu” is a new app that looks through your friends’ pages looking for words that indicate they might be sick, along with late-night postings, indicating that are having trouble sleeping. 

Uh, first thought, how much paranoia will this induce in people whose friends are healthy night owls? 

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Really? Apparently “The Bachelor,” Sean Lowe, is a “born-again virgin.” According to a report in Star magazine “He’s had sex with four women in his life, but he rededicated himself to God and hasn’t slept with a woman in years.” Where is Bristol Palin when you need her?

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Bowled over? More like at least the bowls are over.

January 8, 2013

Okay, so this whole convoluted system produced exactly one semi-close BCS bowl game – Stanford 20-14 over Wisconsin. In the same Pac 10/12-Big 10 Rose Bowl match up that existed before the BCS got started.

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Ah yes, SEC dominance. And Alabama only lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to LSU and Florida. And Florida lost to Louisville, who only lost to Syracuse and Connecticut. And Connecticut only lost to NC State, Temple. Rutgers, USF, Cincinnati, Syracuse and Western Michigan.

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Sorry Notre Dame, God had only one miracle planned for this evening and he used it on the Washington Wizards against the Oklahoma City Thunder.

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Wonder if at halftime Notre Dame coach invoked St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes.

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The best drama in the BCS championship was between Alabama’s QB and his center.

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Could there have been a better-matched amateur opponent for Alabama in the second half? I think Mark Sanchez and the Jets were available.

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Oops, A computer glitch at Ticketmaster resulted in President Obama’s two official inaugural balls being sold out hours before they were supposed to go on sale. Proving once again that the private sector can easily match the government for incompetence.

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According to ESPN sources, the Cotton Bowl is a “prohibitive favorite” to host the first college football national playoff title game on Jan. 12, 2015.. Well, that’s one way to get a meaningful future postseason game in Dallas.

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For many Monday was the first work day of 2013. You know what that means, time to stop writing 2011 on papers and checks.

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In Florida, nearly 400 people have signed up for the Python Challenge, where for a month in the Everglades they can try to shoot the invasive snakes that threaten the local wildlife. Neither experience with snakes nor hunting licenses are required, except for under-18s. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

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Burger King ran a commercial today during the NFL playoffs about what was “our best Whopper.” Bill Clinton overheard and thought “probably ‘I did not have sex with that woman.'”

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Zach Ertz, who red-shirted his freshman year is foregoing his last year of eligibility at Stanford, and will enter the NFL draft, graduating in June with a B.S. in Management Science and Engineering. Darn those Cardinal four-and-done athletes.

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A new book “The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success.” says the jobs with the highest rate of psychopaths. 1 CEO, 2. Lawyer, 3. Media (TV-Radio) 4. Salesperson, 5. Surgeon, 6. Journalist, 7. Police, 8. Clergy, 9. Chef, 10. Civil servant. What? No politicians?  (Or professional athletes?)

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly turned down a $3 million offer for their baby’s first photos. Presumably because they’re holding out for a higher offer?

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Rand Paul’s 19 yr old son was arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct. I blame Obama.

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Is there some unwritten rule that Staples Center in Los Angeles can only be home to one good NBA team at a time?

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Not their Luck-y day.

January 6, 2013

Some thought the Colts’ fairytale story could continue deep into the postseason. Quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.”

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Russell Wilson gave up a promising baseball career to play football.  Not sure who’s more upset about that now, MLB fans or the Washington Redskins.

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And okay, it’s the year of the rookie QB, but as to “last man standing,” who had Wilson?

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Not saying Russell Wilson is short, but he looks up to Doug Flutie. Literally.

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The AP has published their final election 2012 totals, and Mitt Romney got 47 percent of the vote. You’re a mean bitch, Karma.

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“Catmoji” has just launched. The first social network for cats. Presumably instead of “like” there will be an “ignore” button.

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Mamie Rearden, 114, just died, only 16 days after she became America’s oldest person. And her predecessor, Dina Manfredini, 115, died after being the oldest for less than two weeks. We’ve finally found a title that is more dangerous than being #3 with Al Qaeda.

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Syracuse coach Doug Marrone is leaving to coach the Buffalo Bills. Well, not sure what motivates Marrone, but it sure isn’t weather.

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Good that they usually end up getting it right. But how many of football’s most famous plays (Flutie’s Hail Mary, the Immaculate Reception, etc.. ) would have been a little different if they needed a 2-minute pause and then “After further review, the ruling on the field stands…”

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Always hated those TV bits early in football games where some starters introduce themselves and the universities they may or may not have graduated from. But got to love the Vikings DE last night – “Jared Allen, Culinary Academy.”

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The Bengals’ Andy Dalton on Saturday had one of the worst NFL playoff passing games in history. But Rex Ryan would still probably keep him in over Tim Tebow.

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Coach Brian Kelly says that leaving the Fighting Irish for the NFL “isn’t an option.” Right, like he told his Bearcats players in Dec. 2009 about Notre Dame: “It’s not an issue; I’m not going there. I love Cincinnati, and I’m staying here.”‘

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Nick Saban has sent two backup Alabama players home from the BCS championship game for violating curfew. So wonder if they were the only players who missed their bed check, or the only non-starters who missed their bed check.

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Thirty second Super Bowl ads going for $3.8M are almost sold out.   The New York Jets are rumored to have purchased a spot trying to sell a couple of QBs.

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So the same “sources” that had Oregon coach Chip Kelly gone to the NFL yesterday now have him returning to the Ducks. Hmm, maybe those NCAA sanctions against Oregon aren’t as imminent as we thought.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:   “A battery powered toothbrush that was ticking set off a bomb scare at Atlanta’s airport. Apparently the TSA agents in Georgia had never actually encountered a toothbrush before.”

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(my follow up thought.  No report on who the traveler in question was, but guess we can assume he or she was not from England.)

 

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Japanese automaker Toyota announced plans to unveil their self-driving car research. Okay, there is no way to make a P.C. Asian driver joke here…

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Tone deaf and dumb.

January 3, 2013

Wow, just wow. Pennsylvania Gov. Corbett says he waited until now to sue the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State because he wanted time to research, and he “did not want the case to interfere with the football season.” Sounds like the same priorities that got the university in trouble in the first place.

 

 

The Dow rose 308 points today. I blame Obama.

 

Can only what imagine what she expects of parenthood: Kim Kardashian says about being pregnant “it’s not as easy as people think.” Really?! Isn’t there some nice staple gay couple that might want to adopt her baby?

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ESPN reports that Oregon coach Chip Kelly may be interviewing with the Bills, Browns and Eagles. What, Kelly wants to prove he can be successful with a team with a salary cap?

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Just maybe those SEC supremacists might want to tone down their gloating about other conferences?

 

Wonder after the Gators’  Sugar Bowl performance if the Big East will now extend an invitation to Florida?

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Another Sugar Bowl thought  -once again we saw a team that isn’t benefiting by having Tim Tebow on the sidelines.

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On a positive note,

Thanks to Mark and Gary who pointed out that Stanford’s David Shaw was the first African-American coach to win a BCS bowl game.  Well, now we have two.  Congrats to Charlie Strong.

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You have to wonder about Americans’ cooking skills when a package of frozen plastic wrapped fish fillets starts with the directions “Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Remove all packaging…”

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Many are commenting on how Hugh Hefner, 86, apparently forgave his new bride Crystal Harris, 26, for leaving him at the altar in 2011. Although isn’t it just as likely that Hef didn’t remember?

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Seven coaches fired Monday. And wonder how many of the NFL teams who decided they needed a fresh start will go about it by recycling one of those fired coaches?

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A report out of DC indicates that John Boehner at one point during fiscal cliff negotiations told Harry Reid to “go f*ck himself.” Who knew Boehner has aspirations to be Vice President?

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Ray Lewis says he will retire after this season. “The first time is the hardest,” responded Brett Favre.

 

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Starbucks will start selling a reusable plastic cup for $1 that will provide a 10 cent discount on any coffee drink. Wonder how long it will take until that discount becomes a surcharge on anyone who doesn’t bring the cup?

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A paparazzo was struck and killed by a car after taking pictures of Justin Bieber’s Ferrari in Los Angeles. And the singer wasn’t even driving it. Darwin would be so proud.

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Happy 2013.

January 1, 2013

And may your troubles only last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions.

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On a brighter note, your 2012 resolutions are officially null and void.

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In honor of the NY Jets, rumor has it that New Year’s Eve in  Times Square the ball wasn’t declared “dropped,”  it was “butt-fumbled.”

 

Two hours after midnight in D.C., the Senate passed a bill to avert the “fiscal cliff” 89-8. 89-8?! That’s not a vote count, that’s a score for an SEC team against one of their out-of-conference football opponents.

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President Obama said  early Monday of a potential fiscal cliff deal that if there were even “one second left for Congress to do what they’re suppose to do, they will use that one second.” Of course Congress being largely male he might have added some of them will do anything to avoid their wives’ New Year’s Eve parties.

 

Seven NFL coaches at least fired Monday. I blame Obama.

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UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12.

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Coaching question of the night. Who will be the next fool to overpay Lane Kiffin?

 

San Diego Zoo sign in front of tiger enclosure. “For your safety please stay behind railing.”. May I suggest that if you need the sign, you’re already well on your way to some future Darwin award.

 

The Chicago Bears fired coach Lovie Smith after a 10 win season. In Washington, wonder if 10 wins will be enough to save the job of Randy Wittman, coach of the Wizards.

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UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12.

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Cliff notes?

December 29, 2012

As the U.S. edges closer to the “fiscal cliff,’ have to wonder if Shakespeare had a premonition of future politics when he wrote “a plague on both your houses.”

(although today it might be “a plague on both the house and the senate.”)

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Just how ugly was the Russell Athletic Bowl. Virginia Tech beat Rutgers 13-10 in overtime. But the Hokies had an equal number of turnovers and rushing yards – three. (No typo, 3. Really.)

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Last year’s strike-shortened NBA season was the perfect length for many fans. Wonder if there’s a way to get a strike going that would affect the NCAA bowl season?

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Mayor Michael Bloomberg is blaming the first increase in New York City’s crime rate in 20 years on Apple-related thefts. Uh, what about folks unhappy over not being able to get their large sodas?

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ESPN reports Sean Payton, who has been courted by Dallas, has agreed to a five-year extension with the New Orleans Saints. “Bummer for the Cowboys”, said no one outside of Texas.

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The NY man who killed 2 firefighters in an Xmas Eve ambush couldn’t legally buy the semiautomatic rifle and shotgun he used. But he went to the store with a woman who bought the guns for him after he picked them out. And we hear all the time about the ATB arresting folks who buy alcohol illegally for 20 year olds….

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Two University of Texas players have been sent home from the Alamo Bowl for “violations of team rules.” Reportedly for alleged sexual assault. Some of these guys are going a little too far to prove they are NFL ready.

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So Mark Sanchez will start for the NY Jets this weekend over backup QB Greg McElroy, who has a concussion. Not Tim Tebow. Is Rex Ryan that worried that Tebow might actually win a game and get Jets fans even madder about the might-have-beens this season?

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Rex Ryan says he wants “to be the Jets’ head coach for the next 15 years.”

Uh, who’s got 15 days in the pool?

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The Pro Bowl roster is out. Being chosen is an honor, but as far as resulting in any real action, it’s like being named one of the sexiest women of the year by the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus.

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Forget the Mayan calendar. The Los Angeles Clippers winning 16 in a row? Now, there’s a sign of the apocalypse.

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From T.C.  “Washington Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg called Redskins owner Daniel Snyder and asked him why he wasn’t shutting down RGIII in order to save him for next year.”

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Mission accomplished.

December 27, 2012

Another year, another superhuman effort by Santa Claus to deliver millions of toys overnight without a break. Wonder how long until he and the reindeer get investigated for Adderall?

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Netflix’s video streaming service crashed Christmas Even.. Oh, the horror!. Thousands and thousands of Americans were actually forced to talk to their relatives.

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Ben Affleck has announced that he won’t seek John Kerry’s Senate seat. Bipartisan bummer for women. If Affleck ran against Scott Brown it might the best looking Senate race in history.

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Syracuse suspended two players from their upcoming New Era Pinstripe Bowl game. Shocking! Syracuse is playing in a bowl game?

 

Mark Zuckerberg’s sister Randi  was upset when a casual family photo she posted on Facebook ended up reposted on Twitter,  saying the person who did it she was “way uncool,” and saying to “always ask permission before posting a friend’s photo publicly. It’s not about privacy settings, it’s about human decency.”  “Gosh, those FB settings are confusing, and I’m really sorry that happened to your family” said absolutely nobody.

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A picture of President Obama hugging Michelle on election night has become the most re-tweeted photo ever. A surprised Bill Clinton asked “You can hug your own wife?”

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A 30 foot whale was found Wednesday morning on a New York beach. It would of course be inappropriate to make a Chris Christie joke here.

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Alas for Pacers fans, bad weather forced the cancellation of tonight’s game in Indianapolis. Alas for Wizards fans the weather in Washington was fine.

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Anyone but me thinking it was a lot easier and more fun to root against the Los Angeles Lakers before Steve Nash came back?

 

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Wednesday was the first day of the after-Christmas sales. You know what that means – only about a week until the first Valentine’s Day sales.

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Okay, who’d a thunk this? A hot NBA upcoming ticket is the Warriors vs. Clippers.

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Starbucks employees will be writing “come together” on customers’ cups Dec 27-28 as a message for Congress to avoid the fiscal cliff.. Leaving aside the fact that more colorful language might be more appropriate, maybe we should just threaten to cut off their coffee until they come up with a deal.

 

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Merry, merry….

December 25, 2012

Wishing everyone a happy and safe Christmas Eve. And beware of low-flying, or should i say, high-flying, reindeer in Colorado and Washington.

 

Have to wonder in  Colorado and Washington,  how many families will wait up to find presents under the tree,  the cookies and milk still on the table, but all their Doritos missing.

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NORAD is in the midst of their traditional Santa tracking. But wonder what happens this year when Instagram tries to sell all the pictures.

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So if Santa didn’t show up with the right toys last night, can parents explain it to their children by telling them that unfortunately Rudolph was guiding his sleigh with Apple maps?

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Some think it’s unfair for the NBA to schedule games on Christmas Day. But on a brighter note it does save the players from the tough decision of spending the day with which mother of their children.

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Just noticed, no joke, that there’s a Justin Bieber perfume. “That’s exactly what I want for Christmas,” said no one over the age of 12.

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A customer who was tired of waiting for his check at a Texas Denny’s set their Christmas tree on fire. Caused a lot of damage, but the roasted tree probably ended up tasting better than most of their menu items.

 

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Some of the conservative media are headlining the fact that Obama landed in Hawaii last night and went out to play golf this morning. Of course, had the President stayed in D.C. to work on the “fiscal cliff” the same folks would accuse him of making Republicans in Congress give up their Christmas for his political gain.

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A cashier accidentally sold a New Hampshire man the wrong lottery ticket, and it turned out to be the one that won a $2.1 million Tri-State Megabucks Plus prize. Wonder how long it will take for some other lottery player to sue?

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Heaven is a messier place tonight. R.I.P Jack Klugman.

 

 

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Never on Sunday?

December 24, 2012

At this point, what’s the difference between the NY Jets and the Giants postseason hopes? About another week.

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Ah,  the NFL and television.   Sunday morning CBS and the league gave football fans on the West Coast the Oakland Raiders vs. the Carolina Panthers.    Wasn’t there a more meaningful game on, like the Poulan Weed-Eater bowl or something?

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Idaho GOP Sen. Michael Crapo, a Mormon, was arrested yesterday morning in Alexandria, VA., reportedly with a .11 blood alcohol level. I blame Obama.

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Amongst the heaviest drinkers you may see this Christmas season are those who figured it was it sure bet that Eli Manning would have a better year than his over-the-hill big brother….

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Richard Sherman’s appeal of his positive test for Adderall claims it was a contaminated sample because of a leaky cup, and a 2nd cup with a broken seal placed underneath it. You’d think a Stanford grad would have just come up with a way to get a legal prescription for the stuff.  (And note to readers,  this is not sour grapes, my personal bias is to  root for the Saints, not the 49ers.)

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Tagg Romney told the Boston Globe that his father “wanted to be president less than anyone I’ve met in my life.” Makes sense, Mitt certainly campaigned like it.

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Newsweek issues its last print issue on Monday. Which is shocking to most Americans, who didn’t realize Newsweek was still in business.

 

Weird trivia for the 49ers-Seahawks game. Can anyone remember any other NFL football game started by opposing quarterbacks who were both drafted…for baseball? (True, and to quote Bull Durham’s Annie Savoy, “you could look it up.”)

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The Pope, in his latest Christmas message, spoke against gay marriage and said that gay adoption meant “The child has become an object to which people have a right and which they have a right to obtain.” So does he mean the only non-married people with that right are priests?

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So the NRA’s idea is that trained guards with guns will prevent shootings at school campuses.    Leaving aside the fact that Columbine High School and Virginia Tech campuses DID have armed guards, wonder if the NRA asked the opinion of the parents of kids in 1970 at Kent State.  (Not as horrific or as long a list as Sandy Hook  – but ….Jeffrey Miller, 20, Allison Krause, 19,  William Schroeder, 19.  Sandra Scheuer, 20.)

 

Augie wonders in this gun control debate,  if  we do this armed guard thing, in right-to-work states, do they get the right to shoot without joining the teacher’s  union?

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