Posted tagged ‘baseball jokes’
January 5, 2013
Opening night for Major League Baseball will be on ESPN Sunday, March 31, with the Astros against the Rangers. Might be the only night of the year the Houston Astros are nationally televised.
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Turns out Rex Ryan has a tattoo on his arm of his wife wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey and nothing else. Well, this is an twist on the usual joke that a lousy player who’s still getting game time must have hidden pictures of the coach naked or something.
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Nancy Pelosi posted a picture of all the House Democratic women posing on the Capitol steps. But the picture included photo-shopped images of four women who actually hadn’t made it to the photo shoot. Shocking, Pelosi might try to doctor an appearance?
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These are not your father’s Republicans: Former GOP senator Chuck Hagel is reported to be Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Defense. And Sen. Lindsey Graham said on Dec. 30 there would be “very little Republican support” for his nomination.
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The Chicago Bears are now apparently interviewing Montreal Alouettes coach Marc Trestman for their head coaching job. So if he fails at getting the team to the post season will Bears fans blame Canada?
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Lance Armstrong is reportedly considering admitting that he used PEDs. What? Does he think it will help him get into the Baseball Hall of Fame?
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Chip Kelly is apparently close to a deal with the Cleveland Browns. Anyone want to start the pool on when the NCAA will announce sanctions on the Oregon Ducks?
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Although the Lakers made it close in the end, watching Los Angeles Clippers turn “Showtime” into “Slowtime.” Or maybe the “Too-Late-Showtime.”
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A pilot for American Airlines subsidiary American Eagle was arrested before a flight from Minneapolis to La Guardia after witnesses smelled alcohol on his breath and he failed a Breathlyzer test. What next, a pilot sobriety surcharge?
(added my friend Walt Rau, “He would have been sober in time for the landing at La Guardia. What’s the problem?”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, pilot jokes, sports jokes
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December 20, 2012
If we have to live in a world where crazy people can get rapid fire weapons they use for mass shootings, can someone at least make sure these homicidal maniacs have the address for and directions to the Westboro Baptist Church?
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A NASA spokesman says the agency is getting 200 to 300 people calling per day to ask about the end of the world. Darwin would be so proud.
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Note in very small print on bottom of Starbucks’ cup: “Caution, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.” Wonder how many people turn the cup to its side to try to read the message, and spill the hot beverage on themselves….
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The Los Angeles Clippers have won 11 in a row. So how long until they get a season ticket request from Jack Nicholson?
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Buffalo Bills’ center Eric Wood says the team’s annual games in Toronto are “a joke.” Fans in Toronto who watched the Bills’ latest drubbing responded “Back at ya.”‘
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Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly won AP Coach of the Year. Stanford’s David Shaw was third. If the referees had correctly called that Stephan Taylor touchdown would the voting have been reversed?
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Time Magazine has chosen the President of the United States as “Man of the Year.” I blame Obama.
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The 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick was named the NFC’s offensive player of the week. Not to be confused with Mark Sanchez, who Jets fans consider the most offensive player this week.
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from Marc Ragovin: “So its Week 16 in the NFL, and the NY Jets have announced that they are benching Mark Sanchez. “What a brilliant move” said Week 4.”
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A new British-American study said that sleeping pills like Sonata and Ambien are of “questionable clinical importance” because half of their benefit may come from a placebo effect. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.
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An unhappy Tim Tebow says he doesn’t understand why the Jets traded for him last March. That makes about 2,000,001 of us.
(and hey, makes sense to bench him if they were winning. But they sucked. At some point a rational man says “What the heck, how bad can it be?” This might be the mistake, assuming Ryan is rational.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, End of the world jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, Mayan jokes, NY Jets jokes, sports jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 18, 2012
A Visa poll found that 16% of Americans have not started their Christmas shopping yet.
These people are called “men.”
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What many people were sure of before this season: Tim Tebow is not an NFL level quarterback. What even more people are sure of now: Neither is Mark Sanchez.
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The Detroit Tigers re-signed Anibal Sanchez to a 5-year, $80 million contract, and GM Dave Dombrowski said “He’s in the prime of his career.” Well, except how do you really know when the prime of someone’s career is? Usually when he’s past it.
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One good thing for New York sports fans Monday night… the Jets knocked the Giants’ lousy performance Sunday right off the front of the sports page.
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Dina Manfredini, 115, died less than two weeks after becoming the “world’s oldest living person”. Well, that might be the only title with a shorter average life expectancy than being #3 in Al Qaeda.
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Awful that he needed to do this. Awesome that he did it. Tennessee Titans RB Chris Johnson wrote the names of all the victims at Sandy Hook school on his shoes for the MNF game tonight.
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Well, slowly our nation is returning to normal. Saw the first headlines in a few days purporting to have the all-important scoop that this time, Jennifer Aniston really is pregnant.
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So it didn’t work out for Colbert. But maybe Hawaii’s governor can now appoint Jon Stewart to the Senate.
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Bears LB Brian Urlacher complained yesterday about Chicago fans booing the team at home. Uh, Brian, there’s a way for the team to stop that….it’s called “playing better.” (or if you will, “sucking less.)
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Carolina Panthers coach Ron Rivera said he’s not sure if his resurgent 5-9 team’s latest 31 to 7 win over San Diego will save his job. Many Chargers fans are just hoping the game costs Norv Turner his.
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Pete Carroll ran a fake punt when his Seahawks were up 30 points yesterday on Buffalo. Did the now-Seattle coach think he was back at USC playing Stanford?
For those who say the Sandy Hook massacre might have been prevented if the teachers had guns to defend themselves – yeah, that worked out so well for the shooter’s mother.
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-“Our Bill of Rights does not guarantee gun manufacturers the absolute right to sell military-style, high-caliber, semi-automatic combat assault rifles with high-capacity magazines to whoever the hell they want.” This morning from that commie-pinko Joe Scarborough….
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, shopping jokes, sports jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 29, 2012
What was this stupid game played by men in tights on TV Monday night and where is my baseball?
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Oops, technology. Just got an email from Stubhub this morning “San Francisco Giants Postseason Tickets in a Flash – Head to StubHub.com. We wanted to give you a heads up that seats are still available.” Well, no doubt game 6 and 7 tickets are cheap…..
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Over 5 million are now without power. 5,000,050 if you count the New York Yankees and Detroit Tigers.
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Pablo Sandoval, World Series MVP?! So does this mean tacos may be declared a PED?
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Hmm, used this joke Saturday, and Jay Leno used almost the same one tonight. ” Detroit looking like their only hope is to ask President Obama for a bailout.” (But of course they still don’t think they need any female freelancers.)
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A line going around the internet (don’t know who wrote it) is that they should have renamed the storm Hurricane A-Rod, then it wouldn’t have hit anyone.
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So much for the country pulling together: The Fed. Govt. is closed for at least 2 days, which may delay the Oct. jobs report. Iowa GOP Rep. Chuck Grassley tweets “Labor Dept says may release latest Unemployment figures until after election. Par for course. Why release something might hurt Obama elect?” Right, clearly the President conjured up Sandy for this purpose.
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Chris Christie is praising President Obama for his response so far to Hurricane Sandy. Nice bipartisan statement. And makes sense – I am sure Christie would rather run against Hillary, Biden or Cuomo in 2016 rather than an incumbent Romney.
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N.J. Gov. Chris Christie said evacuations are no longer possible, and rescuers won’t be sent out “until daylight tomorrow.” Translation – “Okay idiots, we’ll pick you or your bodies up in the morning.”
(Added Nick Coombs, “Attention New Jersey residents. In case of emergency your governor may be used as a floatation device.)
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The HMS Bounty, built as a replica tall ship to be used in movies, has sunk off the N.C. coast. Tragic for the two missing crew members but going out in hurricane conditions had to be the dumbest decision since Captain Bligh figured he could handle an angry Fletcher Christian.
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49ers fans were glad that their Monday Night Football game was played in Arizona and thus avoided a Hurricane Sandy postponement. New York Jets fans are just wishing Sandy had shown up yesterday morning.
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For anyone who doesn’t believe in voodoo, this from ESPN:
“Oct. 9 in Cincinnati. Giants trailed, 2 games to 0 in NLDS. And then, with their entire season on the line, they picked THAT night to get no-hit into the 6th, to get 1 hit in the first 9 innings, to strike out 16 times — and they WON. In extra innings. On an unearned run.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Hurricane Sandy jokes, Janice Hough, Sandy jokes, SF Giants jokes, voodoo jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 24, 2012
Ten top stories on ESPN.com Tuesday morning and one is about baseball – the Red Sox introducing their new manager. What East Coast bias?
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The SF Giants are in the World Series after winning six straight postseason elimination games. Waiting for the t-shirt that says “Giants Baseball 2012 – Fifty Shades of Orange.”
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Another reason baseball is better than football. Today was World Series Media day: Note the word “day” instead of “week”.
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From Marc Ragovin, “Not saying the Cardinals looked flat last night against the Giants, but for a minute there I thought I was watching Obama at the first debate.”
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Eva Longoria and QB Mark Sanchez have apparently ended their relationship. Well, at least unlike the Jets, Eva had enough sense not to sign a longterm contract with him.
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A new ad featuring Natalie Portman for Dior’s Diorshow New Look lash-multiplying mascara has been banned in the U.K for being unrealistic. Uh, anyone actually seen a makeup ad that IS realistic?
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Ann Coulter said after last night’s debate. “I highly approve of Romney’s decision to be kind and gentle to the retard.” Jeez, I think Todd Akin does more for the status of women.
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Roger Goodell said that the NFL was considering dropping the Pro Bowl. “That would be a real shame”, said absolutely nobody.
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The Miami Marlins have fired manager Ozzie Guillen. So congrats to all those who had October 23 in the pool.
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To promote their new pan pizza, Domino’s outlets will offer over 500,000 free pizza slices today at lunchtime. Wow, that’s almost 10 pounds of real cheese.
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In Indiana, U.S Senate candidate Richard Mourdock just said he is against abortion in cases of rape because “it is something that God intended to happen.” And somewhere God may be thinking “Are you kidding? I didn’t even intend Richard Mourdock to happen.
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Regarding Tagg Romney’s investment firm having a financial interest in a company that makes voting machines that will be used in Ohio – I actually am not a fan of conspiracy theories. But can you imagine the GOP reaction if say, a Virginia Ohio voting machine company was partly owned by a friend of Obama’s?
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Welcome to the big leagues. UCF appealed their postseason ban for recruiting violations, and the NCAA said they won’t rule until January, so the 5-2 Golden Knights will be bowl eligible in 2012. Thereby assuring all the guilty parties will be long gone when the punishment kicks in.
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From T.C. What’s the difference between Lance Armstrong and Felix Baumgartner? Felix landed on his feet.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, debate jokes, ESPN jokes, Todd Akin jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 14, 2012
This might be the one and ONLY time in my life I show some sympathy for the NY Yankees. Because I remember a May 2011 game when the SF Giants were down 4 runs, came back to tie it up, and lost the heart and soul of their team to an extra-innings injury. OK, I am done with the sympathy now.
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Yankees fans are particularly upset by the injury. ..more than a few wishing it could have been A-Rod?
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Okay, SF Giants fans didn’t hate TBS/Fox before…. they just said that the Yankees are the best team in the American League. and the CARDINALS are the best team in the National League. Put this quote up over the entrance to A T and T Park.
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But an open note to all SF Giants fans who have bitched about the team’s lack of a genuine closer…… in Detroit now as in Washington, D.C., fans are saying “Oh STFU.”
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Although if Friday night wasn’t bad enough, some Nationals fans got an email Saturday with an exclusive offer to buy World Series tickets.
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Clearly President Obama should have issued an executive order barring the Nationals from shutting down Stephen Strasburg.
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So which enterprising Stanford student will come up with the t-shirt saying “Stanford 25, ND 20 in overtime?” (Including those two touchdowns the refs missed.)
Did they ship the replacement refs to South Bend?
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Considering how that NLDS went against the Reds, wonder if the SF Giants asked MLB if they could decline home field advantage for the NLCS against the Cardinals?
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At Rupp Arena last night, Kentucky raised their 2012 national championship banner. With coach John Calipari they have to raise those things fast in case they get vacated.
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Was Derek Jeter’s injury Saturday night God’s way of saying Nate McLouth’s ball just might have hit the foul pole Friday?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Notre Dame jokes, playoffs jokes, Stanford jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 3, 2012
Now that the debate is over we can get back to the issues that America really cares about, like what really happened in that “American Idol” Mariah Carey – Nicki Minaj catfight?
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For many Americans, tonight’s debate was like a Nascar race, they only tuned in to see the potential wrecks.
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In swing states, tonight’s Presidential debate might be the only television show until November that’s not interrupted by political commercials.
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Watching this debate one thing is clear, do we really want an America where people like Jim Lehrer, 78, have to make complicated and tough decisions about their own healthcare?
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Mitt Romney said Wednesday night – “I like coal.” But does he love lamp?
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Anyone else but me would have liked to see a debate tonight between Romney 2012 and that guy who was Governor of Massachusetts from 2003-2007?
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Okay, message from Mitt Romney to those of us who are 50 something. If you are not healthy you are f*cked.
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For those who wanted to watch the debate but didn’t want to miss a baseball game with postseason implications, would like to thank the Boston Red Sox for doing their best to make this entire week irrelevant. Don’t let the door hit you in the back, Bobby.
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Forget this Presidential debate stuff….what’s the controversy with AL MVP? Trout for Rookie of the Year no doubt, but when compared to a TRIPLE CROWN winner whose team won their division? Fox and MSNBC should both agree on this one.
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The Texas Rangers have just been declared the official baseball team of the U.S. Ryder Cup squad.
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According to a CBS Sports story, the Red Sox will fire manager Bobby Valentine this week. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.
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American Airlines is advertising a new sale, with the tagline ” Take off to cities across the U.S.” Uh, at this point travelers on American aren’t so worried about the take off, they’re worried about how and where they land.
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Big news today for baseball fans: Teddy Roosevelt actually won the Presidents Race at Nationals Park today. What? Did they shut the other presidents down early?
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Got to love it, heard some NY Jets fan claiming the team will never score if they switch to Tim Tebow at QB. As opposed to last week?
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The Mets R.A. Dickey now admits he pitched the entire season with a torn abdominal muscle. Wonder how many mediocre pitchers are thinking about going out and tearing their own muscles.
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Last thought for the night: As the Red Sox stagger into the offseason, have to wonder, what if beer and fried chicken were actually PEDs?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, debate jokes, presidential debate jokes, Red Sox jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 22, 2012
Iowa lost today to Central Michigan in football? Once again, proof you can choke on a cupcake.
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Melky Cabrera disqualified himself from the 2012 batting title, because he didn’t want to win a tainted award. Now, I think he did the right thing here, but did Melky want to win the title? Absolutely. He just didn’t want anyone to know it was tainted.
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So Alex Smith nearly gets fined for wearing an Giants cap, Giants manager Bruce Bochy wears a 49ers cap Nice mutual support from SF professional sports teams. Does this mean LA Dodgers manager Don Mattingly next will be sporting a USC cap?
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Love this headline about Pawlenty’s resignation: “Tim Pawlenty Quits Romney Campaign for ‘Sexy’ New Lobbying Job” This may be the only time “Pawlenty” and “Sexy” have been used in the same sentence.
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As the lockout continues the NHL has now cancelled the preseason. Surprising many Americans who didn’t realize the NHL HAD a preseason.
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The White House issued a report saying that customer service has improved at US Customs. Either that or customs is just looking really good by comparison to TSA.
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Fortunately no one was injured after an electrical fire on Ann Romney’s campaign plane filled the cabin with smoke. But it was scary. Next flight some Secret Service folks have offered to ride with the dog on the roof.
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President Obama, a long-time Chicago fan, said today he is ‘‘looking forward to a White Sox-Nationals World Series.’’ Romney will respond as soon as his staff reminds him what teams his friends own.
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From my funny (and frustrated) New York friend Marc Ragovin: “The Franklin Mint has just announced they are issuing rare gold coins commemorating each of the Mets four post-all star game home wins.”
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According to the Gainesville (FL) Sun, Herman Cain said today he would have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he had been chosen as the Republican nominee instead of Mitt Romney. I believe the correct response is in German “Nein, nein, nein.”
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Wow. SF Giants’ Pablo Sandoval has hit four home runs in three days, after no home runs since July. Is it time to check for Panda Enhancing Drugs?
Florida senator Marco Rubio has been tweeting his displeasure with commercial airline flight delays. “Sounds really annoying,” responded Mitt Romney. “What’s a commercial airline flight?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 12, 2012
You can’t make this stuff up: ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, and Fox all aired moments of silence at 8:48 a.m. today. NBC? They had Kardashian mom Kris Jennner talking about her breast implants.
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GoDaddy says yesterday’s major outage “was not a ‘hack”, but rather a “series of internal network events that corrupted router data tables.” Well, that ought to make users feel confident.
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Quote found by my friend David Lombardi from USC running back Silas Redd: “You have to have a little bit of a sense of urgency going into the conference, this is where you make your money.”
Well, at least he’s honest.
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Reds manager Dusty Baker said he is concerned about Aroldis Chapman’s recent drop in velocity, down to an average of 94.4 MPH on Monday. Upon hearing this Jamie Moyer and Barry Zito just sobbed.
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According to SI.com men’s basketball co-captains Kyle Casey and Brandyn Curry were both implicated in the recent Harvard cheating scandal. Wow, first the NCAA tournament, now cheating? Guess the Crimson program has really hit the big time.
(and in the “you cannot make this ‘stuff’ up” category – thanks to Rich for telling me this – the class where Casey, Curry and over 120 other students were caught cheating? “Introduction to Congress.”)
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What East Coast bias? ESPN.com has a headline talking about the Giants’ chances in the playoffs. Oops, it’s the NY Giants. After week ONE. Never mind.
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Yikes. After swearing off Twitter in May, Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has tweeted “I am. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.” Over-under on how long before he tweets something he has to apologize for?
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Americans were all thinking positive thoughts about New York on the anniversary of September 11. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take pleasure in a Yankees loss.
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The shocking dilemma of the year in Washington, D.C. Do sports fans on a budget put deposits down for post season tickets on the Nationals or the Orioles?
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Maybe SF Giants should let Madison Bumgarner skip a start and rest his arm. In the meantime he can bat third.
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Roger Clemens said he only wants to pitch for the Astros in 2012 if he can pitch against a “contender.” So he can “knock them right out of the playoffs” And Barry Bonds is thinking – “And they thought I had a big head?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, ESPN jokes, Harvard jokes, NBC jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 22, 2012
A NY tennis referee, 70, has been arrested and charged with beating her husband, 80, to death with a coffee mug. Starbucks immediately issued a statement. “Coffee mugs do not kill people. People kill people.”
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The Phillies gave out Hunter Pence bobbleheads Tuesday, even though Pence is now with the Giants. Well, as these things go, they’ll be better received than “Got Melk” shirts in S.F.
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More “stuff” you can’t make up: An anti-Obama session at the GOP convention will be titled “We Built This.” The session will be held at the Tampa Bay Times Forum arena, built in 1996 with 62% government money.
Derek Jeter laughed off suggestions that he is using PED’s at 38. Which probably means one of two things – either he’s clean. Or he’s sure he’s too smart to get caught.
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The SF Giants have “Star Wars Day” on September 3. Let’s hope that between now and then that the Force isn’t classified as a PED.
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Sarah Palin has finally semi-weighed in on Todd Akin, say she understands “that he doesn’t want to be perceived as a quitter, but you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them.” Well, no one has ever accused Palin of waiting too long to quit.
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One fan yelling “Let’s Go Dodgers” in the bottom of the 8th. Not saying where he wants them to go.
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The Mets have shut down Johan Santana for the rest of the season. Frustrated Mets fans shrugged, figuring the rest of the team shut down over a month ago.
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Bartolo Colon’s comment after his 50 game PED suspension: “I accept responsibility for my actions and I will serve my suspension as required by the Joint Drug Program.” Did Colon know his fake website wasn’t ready?
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That deafening silence you heard Wednesday morning in the SF Bay Area is coming from formerly smug A’s fans.
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The SF Giants have cancelled a September giveaway for Melky Cabrera jerseys. Understandable. But it would have been fun to see what creative uses fans could have found for them.
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Other than the Ryan Braun case, MLB supposedly doesn’t release the names of players who test positive if their appeals are successful. So were Colon and Cabrera the only players caught this month, or did others have better lawyers?
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Michael Baumgartner, a Senate candidate in the state of Washington, sent a reporter an email ending “Go F*** Yourself.” Leave the profanity out if it, putting that in writing makes him too stupid to be elected.
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Regarding those naked pictures of Prince Harry in a Las Vegas hotel room: I think we can all be happy that those publicized cell phone conversations between Charles and Camilla didn’t happen on a camera phone.
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According to a soon to be released study, 6% of Americans have used cellphones to send a nude or semi-nude photo. And 15% have received such a sext. That Brett Favre sure is busy.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bartolo Colon jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, PED jokes, steroids jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 31, 2012
The University of Central Florida men’s football and basketball teams have been banned from postseason play for a year because of recruiting violations. Proving once again, that the NCAA is really serious about their rules, as long as you are a mid-level or below D1 program.
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It’s all about perspective. U.S. papers are either decrying the men’s gymnastic results, or ignoring them. Meanwhile, British papers are thrilled with their bronze medal, even though maybe it should have been a silver.
Meanwhile, good luck finding an average citizen in either country who can name a member of either team.
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Mitt Romney aide to the media covering his foreign policy tour in Warsaw. “Kiss my ass. This is a Holy site for the Polish people. Show some respect.” Is this a campaign or an episode of the Sopranos?
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As much as half of India may now be without power. Clearly we need to blame Obama.
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Got to love it, now NBC is spoiling their OWN coverage. (Moments before airing Missy Franklin’s tape-delayed Olympic victory in the 100-meter backstroke, NBC ran a promo for Tuesday’s edition of “Today” that said this: ”When you’re 17 years old and win your first gold medal, there’s nobody you’d rather share it with.”)
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At Penn State, trees have been planted at the site formerly occupied by the Joe Paterno statue. Presumably they were all planted turning away from the gym and the showers.
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With the internet, Twitter, FB, etc. NBC’s tape delayed Olympic coverage is less “plausibly live” than Larry King.
Missy Franklin, who will be a high school senior this year, won a swimming gold medal for the U.S. in the 100 meter backstroke. The only unhappy people in America? Other high school seniors competing against her for college admissions.
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Congrats to Missy Franklin AND Dana Vollmer for their success in the water this week. May their fame and commercial success last as least half as long as that of a “reality star” from Jersey Shore.
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Logan Morrison of the Miami Marlins tweeted a sarcastic anti-breastfeeding comment about Nordstrom’s “nothing makes me want to spend $$ like women breastfeeding in your store.” Uh, Logan, nothing makes women want to attend baseball games like the prospect of cheering for a neanderthal.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Olympics jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 1, 2012
The wonders of ballot stuffing: Pablo Sandoval named an All-Star starter. Now I love Panda. But the best 3rd baseman in the National League? Some days he’s not even the best 3rd baseman on the SF Giants.
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Maybe three starters voted in does at least confirm the San Francisco Bay Area’s position as the U.S. leader in technology?
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After Rush Limbaugh’s statements on moving over Obamacare there are reports of Costa Rica beefing up their border patrol.
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Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is requesting federal disaster relief for losses incurred this year by Wisconsin fruit tree growers and maple syrup producers. Some of these GOP Governors deal with the federal government like teenagers with their parents – “get out of my life, but give me money.”
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Florida Governor Rick Scott says the state will not comply with Obamacare. Tough words from a man whose hospital chain was convicted of Medicare fraud and paid a $900 MILLION fine.
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Kevin Garnett, who was considering retirement, has decided to return to the Boston Celtics. “What’s the rush?” said Brett Favre.
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How did Mitt Romney ever get the reputation as an elitist? “I want to make sure that we keep America a place of opportunity, where everyone has a fair shot. They get as much education as they can afford…”
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Boise State has formerly announced their intention to leave the Mountain West Conference. The Broncos hope to join San Diego State in being in the Big East in football and the Big West in other sports. And they wonder why athletes have trouble with geography.
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SF 49ers star rookie Aldon Smith apparently sustained minor injuries when he was stabbed at a party near San Jose. This comes five months after a DUI in Florida. What’s Smith trying to do? Get traded to the Bengals?
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NBC is planning a live broadcast of the musical “The Sound of Music.” And millions of men hearing that said “Honey, that seems like a great night to go shopping.”
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4-0 for Spain over Italy to win the Euro Cup. Four goals, really? Somebody check Kiev’s humidor.
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From my friend Rich Lieberman, (not sure if original or forwarded.) “CONSERVATIVE REMINDER: The government can draft you and force you to serve in war but asking you to buy insurance if you can is overreach.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All Star voting jokes, All-Star jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 2 Comments
May 27, 2012
Memorial Day weekend generally is considered a sign of approaching summer. Another sign – we only have about another month left in the NBA playoffs.
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Another sign of summer. Cubs fans already saying “wait until next year.”
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The Atlanta Braves were hoping Chipper Jones, 40, would make a quick recovery from his bruised calf, but they finally put him on the 15-day DL today. On a brighter note, some of the medical costs should be covered by Medicare.
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Manny Ramirez made his first appearance last night for the AAA Sacramento River Cats. The River Cats drew over 9000 for the game. Wonder if in Manny’s honor pregnant women got in free?
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Donald Trump is talking again about how he believes President Obama was born in Kenya. You know what that means – the Donald doesn’t think he himself is getting enough press coverage again.
Three women in today’s Indy 500 and not much hype or commotion. Of course, none of them do provocative television commercials.
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Michael Vick is in Las Vegas for a youth charity football camp, and appeared at a kickoff event at a local Toyota dealership to sign autographs and pose for pictures. So many people complained on the dealership’s Facebook page that they shut it down. Have to wonder, would as many people be upset if it was O.J.?
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As we enjoy the first unofficial weekend of summer, congrats to the Boston Celtics for getting to the Eastern Conference semi-finals. Making them at least temporarily “America’s Team.” At least for those of us who can’t take the Heat.
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Mitt Romney said in a recent interview that he sees politics as “like a sport for old guys.” Exactly, “old guys” owning the Red Sox or Yankees.
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Shocking news. Pope Benedict XVI’s butler has now been formally charged over suspicions he leaked a large number of confidential letters addressed to the Pope about alleged corruption at the Vatican. Even more shocking about this scandal -no altar boys were involved.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Indy 500 jokes, Janice Hough, summer jokes
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October 9, 2011
Tigers, Rangers, Cardinals, Brewers. None of them amongst baseball’s paupers. But the nine teams in baseball with the highest payrolls are now all home watching on TV.
(The Tigers, btw, at about $105 million, are the highest paid team left, followed by about $200,000 by the Cardinals.)
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Congrats to the Cardinals. But maybe, just maybe, someone in the national media might opine after this year that the best starting rotation when it counts in baseball resides about 2500 miles west of Philly. (And yes, even great pitchers need SOME hitting, which is why that rotation isn’t in the postseason.)
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And congratulations to Milwaukee for making it to the NLCS. While I am not particularly a Brewers fan, I do realize that a Detroit-Milwaukee World Series would be Fox Sports’ worst nightmare. And Karmic payback for all those televised Red Sox-Yankees game.
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Rough week for fans in Philadelphia and New York, with the heavily favored Phillies and Yankees losing in the first round. Well, at least they’ve got championship dreams with the Eagles and Jets…. Uh, never mind.
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Now available at Dollar Stores near you – “Phillies-Yankees 2011 World Series t-shirts.”
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Good news for Phillies fans. With the retail shopping season starting earlier and earlier, it won’t be more than about a month until they can start booing Santa Claus.
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Dick Stockton, calling the Cardinals-Phillies game, just said on TBS that “the drama on the field” is increasing each inning. Wow. What an astute observation in a 1-0 game five in a best of five series.
NCAA has suspended Ohio State wide receiver DeVier Posey for five additional games because he was paid $728 for summer work he did not do. Miami players all responded “$728?! Man, midwest boosters are pikers.”
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Mitt Romney attacked Obama Friday saying “This is very simple: If you do not want America to be the strongest nation on Earth, I am not your president. You have that president.” Right, as opposed to the last GOP president who got Bin Laden and all those Al Qaeda leaders, and toppled Gaddafi… Oops, never mind.
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At the White House, President Barack Obama Friday saluted his beloved 1985 Chicago Bears for their Super Bowl win. (Now, the President had a plausible reason, as the original visit was cancelled due to the Challenger disaster.) In any case, it’s good that Obama is a South Side of Chicago baseball fan. Would be a little embarrassing to salute the 1908 Cubs.
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So for all their money, the Yankees ended up this year without winning it all, and in most of the country, getting no love. Wonder if they got a congratulatory call from Mitt Romney.
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From my funny friend Paul Seaburn: “A beautician in Thailand claims she has an all-natural technique for enlarging breasts that involves slapping them. I’m not sure I believe it. If slapping body parts made them grow, most guys would need three-legged trousers…”
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The Dutch national railway has some short-haul “Sprinter” trains designed without bathrooms. For passengers who need facilities, they are offering – plastic bags. (Yes, really.) The bags, which contain absorbent material and can be sealed and thrown away, are kept in the conductors booth for “emergencies only.” Let’s hope U.S. airlines never hear about this.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, New York Yankees jokes, Philadelphia Phillies jokes, Phillies jokes, Romney jokes, Yankees jokes
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October 4, 2011
I think I can speak for many Americans when I say, “Okay, so I’d rather see “my” team win a playoff game. But it’s not a bad consolation prize to watch the Yankees lose.”
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My friend Walter pointed out today that of all the meaningless statistics in baseball, the most egregious involve pinstripes, like Sportscenter talking about the “most Ks postseason against the Yankees.”
But get this one from ESPN.com: “Delmon Young’s solo homer in Monday’s game was the sixth go-ahead, game-winning shot in the seventh inning or later vs. the Yankees during the wild-card era. The last was David Ortiz’s walk-off homer in 2004 that started the Red Sox’s historic comeback in the ALCS.”
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On the postgame show, Joe Girardi politely complained about the small strike zone for Sabathia. When asked, “did you think the zone was equal for both sides?” he responded “I don’t necessarily look at Verlander’s pitches, I look at our guy’s.” Yeah, hard to understand how the Yankees get the reputation for thinking the world resolves around them.
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The Yankees got two on in the ninth, but Derek Jeter struck out to end the game. His sixth strikeout of the ALDS. Guess this postseason you can’t spell “Kaptain” without a “K.”
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Potential joke after game four. What’s the difference between the Red Sox and the Yankees?
About a week.
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Hank Williams Jr’s “Are you ready for some football,” was dropped from the opening of MNF after the country singer compared President Obama to Hitler. Williams also added “They’re the enemy… Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges.” Sounds like his Hank’s math skills are on a part with the rest of his intelligence.
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Tacky joke about a tackier incident. What was Hank Williams Jr. thinking when he said John Boehner’s outing with the President was like golfing with Hitler? As if Hitler would have ever gone golfing with an orange person.
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Martha Stewart’s daughter Alexis, 46, has written a tell-all book, “Whateverland: Learning to Live Here,” in which she complains about her mother and says amongst other things that she was very rigid and everything had to be done perfectly. Martha Stewart a control freak? “I’m shocked”, said absolutely nobody.
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Is it just me, or is anyone else just not that impressed with people making big money and going on book tours, when they’ve accomplished no more in their lives than being able to complain about their famous parents?
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The latest MLB rumor has GM Theo Epstein possibly leaving the Red Sox for the Cubs. Well, at least it would take care of that problem of overly high expectations.
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Speaking of expectations, okay, so the Buccaneers beat the Colts on MNF. These things happen. But who in the off-season would have expected the headline “Indianapolis nearly upsets Tampa Bay?”
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Hawaii has become the first state to call surfing an official high school sport. In California and Florida they are scoffing – it’s not a sport until you can get paid in college for playing it.
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Three Buckeyes football players have been suspended for OSU’s game against Nebraska for allegedly being paid too much money for too little work in their summer jobs. Have to wonder, are the players all planning to run for Congress?
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Although the way OSU is playing, maybe they were also suspended for being overpaid for their on-field performance.
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Heaven knows the Democratic party has some serious crazies. But at the moment none of them are running for President. This from a recent Michele Bachmann appearance on an Iowa radio show: A caller told her he would vote for serial killer Charles Manson over President Obama. “Hey, thank you for saying that,” she replied.
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Headline today: “Christie Would ‘Cannonball’ Republican Field.” Cannonball? As a child who grew up in diving in hotel/motel pools before this was outlawed, I would say a Chris Christie “Cannonball” would be more like a tsunami.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Detroit Tigers jokes, Hank Williams Jr, Jeter jokes, jokes, New York Yankees jokes, playoff jokes
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September 27, 2011
First announced promotions of 2012 for MLB. The Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves plan to offer their fans free lessons in the Heimlich maneuver.
Another possible giveaway deal next year at Fenway Park. Free Red Sox neckties to the first 20,000 adults. Pre-shrunk.
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How bad is the Red Sox collapse looking? Even Babe Ruth is watching from somewhere thinking “Dudes, don’t put this mess on me.”
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And for all those people thinking that extra wild cards would make the game more interesting, think about this. If MLB had two wild cards in each league, the Red Sox and Braves could have it on cruise control. (Of course, they have have done that regardless.)
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Rex Grossman’s fumble with 28 seconds left sealed the Redskins loss 18-16 Monday night against the Cowboys. On the other hand, for the first time in months, he did give Washingtonians a serious bipartisan target.
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My friend Lindol pointed out that the Winklevoss twins now have a gig as spokesmen for pistachios. Is this really wise? Does the pistachio industry really want to reinforce their image as expensive and overvalued nuts?
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Ozzie Guillen announced that tonight was his last game managing the White Sox. Not sure how the team took it, but Chicago beat writers who are always in search of good quotes are said to be inconsolable.
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Marlins manager Jack McKeon, 80, says he will retire again after the end of the season. He did say that maybe he will come back in a few years, to go after Connie Mack’s record of managing at the age of 87. McKeon especially hopes he has another chance to manage that “nice young man, Jamie Moyer.”
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Meanwhile, the Marlins are finally playing their last games in Sun Life stadium. Wednesday will be Fan Appreciation day.And the team will apparently have nice prizes for both of them.
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Sesame Street is planning to include science lessons in their upcoming season. Or as Rick Perry would call that “more liberal theories.”
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Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. Guess he figures who better to defend marriage than someone who’s had three of them.
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The power of incumbency. No one knows for sure if President Obama will be re-elected. But stranger things have happened. Today SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy announced the team planned to re-sign their hitting coach.
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Magazine subscription offer from Vanity Fair (no joke) $12 for 12 issues. Plus $3 shipping. Really.
Uh, isn’t the point of a subcription getting magazines mailed to you? Wonder what would happen if you offered to come pick each issue up?
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C.C. Sabathia is 19-8, with an ERA of 3.00. The SF Giants have three starters with lower ERA’s, and none with more than 13 wins. Lincecum, 2.74, 13-14, Vogelsong, 2.81, 13-7, and Cain, 2.88, and 12-11.
So yes, good pitching may beat good hitting. But good pitching is wasted with zero hitting.
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The Senate just reached a bipartisan agreement to end a dispute over disaster relief spending. Translation, sounds like they figured out that despite the best efforts of some to interpret God’s will, natural disasters this year have happened in both red and blue states.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Boston Red Sox jokes, Braves jokes, Congress jokes, Red Sox jokes, SF Giants jokes, wild card jokes
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September 7, 2011
Chaz Bono is facing criticism as a “Dancing With the Stars” contestant from some who claim it’s not about the transgender issue, but about the fact that Chaz is only a “star” by virture of having famous parents.
Right, as opposed to being someone who earned their stardom by both having a famous parent and getting pregnant at 16.
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But let’s be real. Would any actual star (as opposed to “wants to be a star”, “used to be a star”, or “thinks being on reality tv made them a star”), actually have any interest in being on the show? Just asking.
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The Baltimore-New York game ended after 2a Wednesday morning at Yankee Stadium. No extra innings, just a four hour rain delay. It could have been worse – if there was a similar rain delay with a Red Sox-Yankees game, they’d be lucky to finish by daybreak.
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Meanwhile, the New York Mets-Florida Marlins game went to the 12th in South Florida. Anyone want to hazard a guess on how many dozen fans were left in the stands?
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Eddie Murphy is the host of next year’s Oscar telecast. Is he going to appear as his live or animated version?
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Carol Bartz is apparently out as CEO of Yahoo. This surprised many people in Silicon Valley, who based on results were unaware that anyone was actually running Yahoo.
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Regarding California’s Proposition 8, the now-overturned but soon-to-be-appealed anti gay marriage ban, I have one question: With all the major GOP presidential candidates running on platforms that are anti-government intrusion, how come not ONE of them has come out and said that legislating marriage like this is a waste of time and money?
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When Wolf Blitzer asked him about the Bush administration record, Dick Cheney responded “I’m not inclined to make any mea culpas.” And later the former V.P. returned George W.’s phone call to answer “what’s a mea culpa?”
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Ohio State had suspended four players for the team’s season opener against Akron for receiving impermissible benefits. But new coach Luke Fickell said all of them would be reinstated for this week’s home game against Toledo. Yep, the Buckeyes don’t want to be shorthanded when they start playing the tough teams.
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Every week in the NFL, teams release their injury lists. In the NCAA this year, will teams start releasing their “suspended, arrested and/or academically ineligible” lists?
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Sarah Palin apparently ran an half-marathon in Iowa this weekend. Of course Palin said she would have preferred to run a full marathon but that going halfway was better for the people of Iowa.
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For Canadian readers: U.S. college football national champions Auburn paid $950,000 to Utah State to play them, and then barely won 42-38, by scoring two touchdowns in the game’s last three minutes. Heck, for $950,000 Auburn could have paid for a far easier opponent, like the Toronto Argonauts.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Chaz Bono jokes, Cheney jokes, Dancing with the Stars jokes, Janice Hough, Palin jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 7, 2011
So MLB has warned players against using a spray made from deer antlers. So how will they test for it? Play “Bambi” in the clubhouse and see who starts crying uncontrollably?
Justin Verlander of the Detroit Tigers is 16-5 in 2011 with a 2.30 ERA. With the San Francisco Giants he might be 9-11.
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Phrase I am getting REALLY REALLY tired of hearing on the SF Giants postgame show. “Fill-in-name-of-Giants-pitcher pitched a great game and didn’t deserve to lose today.”
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Tiger Woods is 13 shots off the lead in his first tournament in months, and the current leader, Adam Scott, is using Steve Williams, the caddie Woods just fired.
If Scott wins, and even if he just comes close but way ahead of Tiger, I’d like to tip my hat to karma. For being a really impressive bitch.
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Brett Favre quashed rumors that he is considering returning to the NFL with the Miami Dolphins, saying he doesn’t have “any interest.” Translation, he is waiting for an offer from a better team.
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This week is the DEF CON convention in Las Vegas. It’s a 15,000-person gathering of computer hackers. Which answers the question – When do Vegas prostitutes take their vacations?
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The Yankees’ C.C. Sabathia has six losses this year, four to Boston. So wonder when C.C will call the Red Sox his daddy?
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Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly says he won’t pick his starting quarterback until 10 days before the season opener. Makes sense, that not only gives him time to watch the four contenders in practice, but also means his final choice will have less time to get suspended or arrested.
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Open note to Tony Bruno: I completely understand saying something stupid because you are angry -i.e. SF Giants mgr “Bochy is a coward for having his illegal alien pitcher hit a guy”
But saying “saying I apologize for my comments regarding illegal aliens,but I stand behind my comments that Bochy is a coward, People resorting to name calling are more classless and vile.” Uh,Tony, you could have had us at “I apologize.”
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Tiger Woods struggled again today while playing his first tournament in months. Beginning to wonder -what if illicit sex with random women WAS his performance enhancing drug?
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Texas Governor (and probable presidential candidate) Rick Perry spoke at a prayer meeting and said it was to “rally the nation to a Christian unity.” Now, it’s been a while since I studied history, but wasn’t the point for those on the Mayflower to set sail for religious freedom.
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San Francisco and Philadelphia are waiting for MLB to announce suspensions from last night’s brawl. One person involved who probably will escape suspension – Giants hitting coach Hensley Meulens. Because there hasn’t been any evidence he’s been doing anything lately anyway
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, deer antler spray jokes, PED jokes, San Francisco Giants jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
August 6, 2011
The U.S economy still sputters and our credit rating gets dropped to AA+. So when will all those in Congress who want to tie teacher pay to performance agree to make the same deal with their own salaries and results?
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The Senate passed a stop-gap bill to put furloughed FAA employees back to work. No word yet on if the bill includes funding for milk and cookies for controllers at naptime.
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Ohio State football players have been told to stop wearing wristbands saying “J.T.” in support of fired coach Jim Tressel. But really, the players’ regret at losing him is understandable. Many of them have had to take serious salary cuts.
So how weirdly 21st century is this real television ad? – “Fiber One 90 calorie brownies – In the granola bar aisle.”
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Listening to baseball commentators say about an umpire, “he’s got a good strike zone.” Well, I get what they mean, I think, but isn’t the rule book, not the umpire, supposed to determine the strike zone? (Yeah, we can dream, anyway.)
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From Bill Littlejohn: Baseball has sent a warning to its major and minor league players concerning steroid alternatives—-stop ingesting deer antler spray.Bud Selig reportedly said, ‘The Buck Stops Here'”
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Standard and Poor’s downgraded the U.S. credit rating from AAA to AA tonight. In related news, the IRS said that their announced plan to increase audits of ratings analysts was just a concidence.
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A-Rod is not talking about allegations that he was involved in illegal poker games. When will these guys learn? If you really want to do some high-stakes gambling, invest in the stock market.
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With the FAA funding mess, Donna Brazile accused House Republicans of “playing chicken with American jobs.” Not true replied the GOP. We’re only playing chicken with Obama’s job. The rest are just collateral damage.
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MLB sources are indicating A-Rod will not be suspended, despite the allegations of illegal poker games, along with continuing talk about his association with a Canadian doctor known to have prescribed HGH. Proving once again – the Yankees are basically MLB’s version of an SEC football team
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Shame that Eli Whiteside might get suspended for his part in tonight’s Giants-Phillies brawl. Best hitting game the Giants catcher has had all season.
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Trivial rant: Open up most packaged food and the contents fill up about 2/3 of the packaging. The only container that is filled to the absolute brim – microwaveable soups. (Not that anything could go wrong with a full plastic container of boiling liquid.)
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Congress jokes, FAA jokes, Janice Hough, Ohio State jokes
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August 3, 2011
Congressional Black Caucus chair Emanuel Cleaver called the final debt ceiling deal a “sugar-coated Satan sandwich.”
Really? Doesn’t that title already belong to the Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger? (Yes, it is a burger using doughnuts as buns.)
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The San Francisco Giants have now lost five straight – Tuesday night 6 to 1- and haven’t scored four runs in over a week.
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Showtime is doing a series on the team called the Franchise.
Wonder how long it will take someone to do a movie on the Giants’ lineup? It will be a remake of “Eight Men Out.”
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(Or maybe “Eight Men Out” is the Jeopardy answer to the question. What usually happens when the Giants position players each have a turn at bat with runners in scoring position?)
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The San Francisco Giants seem to have accomplished the impossible. Take a weak hitting team, add two .300 hitters(Beltran and Keppinger), and start hitting…worse?
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Barry Zito is now back on the Disabled List for the San Francisco Giants. “Disabled?” Actually the NFL has a better list title for players in his condition: “Physically Unable to Perform.”
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Any truth to the rumors that as Congress left town they let out a collective cry of “Winning?!”
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Congress went right from the debt bill to summer recess. Without addressing the FAA issue which has resulted in domestic air taxes (and thus funding for air travel projects) lapsing. United Airlines celebrated today by raising international airfares $40.00. You’d think if Congress really wanted higher approval ratings they would get together on re-regulating the airlines.
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Meanwhile, Colorado Rep. Doug Lamborn apologized for calling President Obama a “tar baby.” and said he “absolutely intended no offense.” Really? With the term “tar baby?” This settles it. Lamborn is either a liar or an idiot.
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A New Jersey politician (who at least has been separated from his wife for two years) is under fire since nude pictures he sent to a woman he was flirting with online showed up on the internet. I think I can speak for all Americans in saying, “Thank heaven it wasn’t Chris Christie.”
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Rumor has it that both Kelsey Grammer and Alec Baldwin are both considering future runs for Mayor of New York City. Guess the strategy is, get your scandals out there BEFORE running for office.
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from Gary Morton:
After signing legislation to raise the debt ceiling, the President saw the stock market plunge 266 points. Guess they should have been working on the debt basement.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Congress jokes, debt ceiling jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, political jokes, San Francisco Giants jokes
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