Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category
July 6, 2011
The whole story isn’t really funny, but a little gallows humor might be in order. And even if it isn’t….
–
Amazing acquittal in Florida. Of course, maybe it makes sense – this circus has dragged on so long that Casey Anthony now may qualify as a celebrity.
The television commentators were surprised that Anthony’s defense team didn’t move for her immediate release for time served. But in their defense, the only motion they probably had ready was one for an appeal.
–
–
So how long until Casey Anthony can go back out clubbing?
–
Maybe years from now they can get Casey convicted for stealing something in Las Vegas.
Scariest thought on the Casey Anthony case. The way they are closing Planned Parenthood clinics, this young woman may have another baby soon.
–
And another sick thought. Florida is a truly bizarre place. The state currently has some very tight restrictions on abortion. If, however, you want to have the baby and kill it later….
–
Roger Clemens’ perjury trial begins Wednesday in Washington, D.C. Unless his lawyers are successful in a last minute effort to get the trial moved to Florida.
–
Meanwhile, while the nation processes the Casey Anthony verdict, we have this trivial little matter coming up about the debt ceiling and whether or not the U.S. might default on our government bonds.
–
But back to less depressing matters….
The Wall Street Journal points out that only one San Francisco Giant, Aubrey Huff, is on pace for at least 50 RBIs this year. Most Giants fans who watch the team regularly are pretty shocked by that stat. They can’t imagine anyone on this team will have 50 RBIs.
–
While in Canada’s Northwest Territories, Prince William of England made his first attempt at playing hockey. In a street game with local kids, the Prince took three unobstructed shots during a street game with local youths, but was unable to get the puck in the net. On the brighter side, afterwards, William was made an honorary Toronto Maple Leaf.
–
A Stanford study shows that athletes’ performance improves when they sleep 10 hours of more a night. The SEC is interested in these results, and as far as giving their athletes more opportunities to sleep, may start encouraging them to go to class.
–
Weird question of the day. What does the Queen of England sing during their National Anthem? “God save myself?”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Casey Anthony jokes, Casey Anthony verdict jokes, Prince William jokes, royalty jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 4, 2011
from my friend Joe Salvatore, picture from Chris Aarcon.
And some belated Fourth of July holiday thoughts:
While the USA is a long way from perfect it is still one of a minority of countries in the world where you can post jokes about any politician or political party and not get harrassed or arrested.
–
Wonder how they view the Fourth of July in Great Britain these days? My guess, kind of like you might view the anniversary of your spouse leaving you, if you’ve seen they have really let themselves go.
–
Mitt Romney is in New Hampshire for Independence day. In honor of the various positions he has held over recent years, I wonder if he’s titled his remarks a “Back and Fourth of July” speech.
–
The San Francisco Giants played a mid-afternoon game on July 4, rather than an evening game which could have been followed by fireworks. The way the team’s hitting with runners on base has been going the Giants figured the fireworks would just get close to a big explosion and then fizzle out.
–
If any visitor to the U.S. was watching television and didn’t know the history of July 4, he or she might think we have thought we were celebrating our independence from old mattresses with new ones half off.
–
Joey Chestnut won Nathan’s 4th of July hot dog eating contest again. And at fast food restaurants across America shouts of “USA, USA” rang out.
–
Joe Biden is now on Twitter. This news shocked Americans on both ends of the political spectrum. Biden is capable of getting any thought down to 140 characters?
–
The latest euphemism for 2011, courtesy of John McCain, who says we’re not going to raise any Americans’ taxes, but there were certain “revenue raisers” we could work on….
–
From Gary Morton, about several of Herman Cain’s campaign managers quitting. “Should we call it the ‘Cain Mutiny.’?”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Fourth of July jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 3, 2011
In 2011, Nathan’s will add a special “women-only” division for their annual hot dog eating contest. Maybe next year if they really want to get increased media attention they could add a “supermodel” category – the winner would be the first to finish a cocktail weiner.
–
July 4th was always George W. Bush’s favorite holiday. He could always remember what day we celebrate it.
–
A young man from Serbia has won Wimbledon, a young man from Northern Ireland won the U.S. Open. U.S. sports fans have to be happy it’s almost July 4. As the hot-dog eating contest might be the only championship this summer where Americans dominate.
–
The Major League Baseball All-Star voting has been completed. And adding to American athletes’ lack of domination this summer, the number one vote-getter, Jose Batista, is a Dominican born player on a Canadian team.
–
Congratulations to Cain, Lincecum, Wilson and Vogelsong. Giants All-Stars are appropriate for the season. Great pitchers. No hitters.
–
In central New York, a man taking part in a motorcycle ride to protest helmet laws fell over the his handlebars, hit his head, and died. While I feel sorry for his family, the guy might be the weekend’s first confirmed Darwin Award winner.
–
–
The rape case against Dominique Strauss-Kahn is falling apart, and now there apparently is support in France for the former IMF head to run for President as the Socialist candidate. Polls show him with a significant amount of support.
So let’s see, the man is married, has a history of affairs and other “incidents,” with women, and admits to consensual oral sex with a maid. “How do I get dual French citizenship?” asked Bill Clinton.
–
Tacky time. The rumors about the Dominque Strauss-Kahn case are now that his accuser performed oral sex on the former IMR director, and then became upset when he wouldn’t pay her. If true, the moral of the story could be – “If you’re going to stiff the maid, don’t stiff the maid.”
–
Meanwhile, back in the U.S., four of Herman Cain’s staffers on his presidential campaign have quit. Most Americans have one of two responses to this news – 1 – “Wow, that doesn’t speak well for his chances. 2 – “Who is Herman Cain?”
–
Mitt Romney will spend the Independence Day holiday in New Hampshire. In keeping with his political history and stances, wonder if he’ll give a “Back and Fourth of July” speech?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Fourth of July jokes, Janice Hough, July 4th jokes, Nathan's hot-dog eating contact, Strauss-Kahn jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 2, 2011
But tonight the Mariners aren’t laughing. Seattle lost 1-0 tonight to the San Diego Padres. The winning run was scored by Cameron Maybin, who had gotten on base by walking on a 3-2 count. Not a pitch out of the strike zone after a 3-2 count. A 3-2 count. The umpire lost track of the count, and the Mariners didn’t notice..
Guess this is karmic payback for the Mariners’ win 2-1 earlier this week on a wild pitch during an intentional walk.
–
Texas Rangers president and CEO Nolan Ryan said he would be in favor of realignment, including any plans that involve moving the Houston Astros into the American League with the Texas Rangers.
Also in favor of that realignment, American League West teams who would get to play a number of regular season games every year against the Houston Astros.
–
Just saw Nolan Ryan’s plaque at Cooperstown. Turns out Nolan is actually his middle name. Ryan’s real first name? Lynn.
Guess that explains why he was so mean on the mound.
–
From Bill Littlejohn: Charlie Sheen revealed that he took steroids during the filming of ‘Major League’ in 1989.So, do they rename it ‘Major League*’?
–
For anyone who saw Brian Wilson’s meltdown last night – (picture on yesterday’s blog post) – you might be pleased to know the Gatorade cooler survived. And was back in action tonight, with several Band-Aids thoughtfully provided by one of Wilson’s Giants teammates.
–
Burger King has started opening “Whopper Bars” that serve beer as well as food. Makes a fair amount of sense; drink enough beer and you won’t notice how bad the burgers taste.
–
Not a joke – U.S. Rep. Thaddeus McCotter (R-Mich.) announced his candidacy for president of the United States on Saturday in his home state of Michigan.
Guess McCotter is the perfect candidate for all those who think Jon Huntsman and Herman Cain are over-exposed.
–
But really, “Thaddeus?” Even President Obama is thinking, “Now, that’s a funny first name.”
–
Yes folks, there may be a city more P.C. than San Francisco. Boulder, Colorado has now decided to ban candy, starting in early 2012, from all vending machines in city facilities.
Instead, the machines will have “healther options” — like granola, Clif Bars and baked chips. (Although just a side note, a Clif Bar, for example, averages 240-250 calories, about as many as a Kit Kat bar or a package of M & M’s peanut candies.)
–
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, nolan ryan jokes, thaddeus mccotter jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 1, 2011
One of those pictures worth a thousand words. Brian Wilson of the SF Giants after blowing consecutive saves for only the second time in his career.
The Giants did win 4-3 in extra innings. But San Francisco starter Madison Bumgarner ended up with a no-decision, after 7 plus scoreless innings and nine strikeouts.
One of many phrases I would like to nominate for retirement – “Another great pitching outing wasted due to the Giants lack of offense.”
–
The team’s new slogan? “San Francisco Giants – redefining torture since 2010.”
(and yes, I know, Cubs fans have NO sympathy.)
–
Maria Shriver has filed for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Wonder if Arnold married a Kennedy because he thought they were bred to overlook infidelity. if so he forgot about the concept of evolution.
–
–
The SEC announced their top athletes of the year, and the male athlete was tennis player John-Patrick Smith, not Cam Newton. SEC commissioner Mike Slive called Smith an “outstanding example of what a student-athlete can accomplish, both on and off the field.” I guess even Slive had a hard time imagining referring to Cam Newton as a “student-athlete.”
(my friend Tony Banks adds – Cam Newton a student? Fig Newton attended more classes.)
–
Last week during the Nascar race at Sonoma, driver Tony Stewart intentionally spun fellow driver Brian Vickers because he felt the guy was blocking him. Then Vickers retaliated by wrecking Stewart’s car. And now Tony has vowed to wreck ANY driver who blocks him on the track. Charming. But NASCAR television ratings may go through the roof.
–
Forget the Sprint Cup championship. NASCAR may need to add a separate category for demolition derby.
–
Another reason Americans might have had to celebrate Canada Day. This year the CFL may be the only professional football we get. (Well, outside of USC, Ohio State and the SEC.)
–
Most Americans aren’t following the whole debt ceiling controversy in Washington, saying it’s too complicated to understand. On the other hand, many of those same Americans would have no trouble explaining the minutiae of the Casey Anthony case.
–
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Nascar jokes, San Francisco Giants jokes, Schwarzenegger jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 30, 2011
A good day for the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up department. In Seattle, police are investigating how an assault rifle was accidentally left on the trunk of a patrol car parked downtown.
Said a police spokesman on SeattlePI.com “We’d really like to express our gratitude to the tipper who flagged down the bike officers (and posted a picture online) and also a separate woman who alerted the driver of the patrol car that there was an unattended rifle on the car.”
No word yet as to whether or not the rifle was loaded. Does sort of put losing cellphones and umbrellas in perspective.
–
Another day, another upset at Wimbledon. Which would be more upsetting to American sports fans if there were any Americans left to upset.
–
Charlie Sheen now says he took steroids during the filming of “Major League” to get his fastball up to 85mph. Can you imagine if Tim Wakefield took steroids? His fastball might hit 50.
In California, controller John Chiang cut off lawmakers’ salaries last week until they came up with a balanced budget. And lo and behold, after months of deliberation it took about six days until the Legislature finally passed such a budget.
Hmm. Wonder if we can loan Chiang for a week or two to Washington D.C?
–
Tiger Woods has apparently signed an endorsement deal with a Japanese company to promote a heat rub. Well, guess they figure based on the stories of the past couple years, Tiger’s an expert on heat and rubs.
–
Myspace put out a press release saying they had sold themselves to a company called “Specific Media” for $35 Million. This news came as a major shock to many Americans, who didn’t realize Myspace still existed.
–
Wonder if Myspace posted the announcement of their sale on Facebook?
–
Brad Womack, the most recent “Bachelor” and his fiancee Emily Maynard have broken up. “What a shame” said about ten million women and two men.
–
From Bill Littlejohn: “Libya’s Moammar Gaddafi could fall within two to three months, the International Criminal Court’s prosecutor said on Tuesday.Longer, if a judge approves the leader’s deal with Fox”
–
A Toronto newspaper, the Sun, is reporting that by the time he died, John Lennon had become a Ronald Reagan fan and Republican. Maybe that means Lennon wrote that famous song for his vegetarian friend Paul McCartney, and the lyric really was “All we are saying, is give peas a chance.”
–
–
Commie pinko time:
Current taxes on the wealthiest Americans are lower than Clinton or even Reagan. But John Boehner stated after Obama’s news conference. “The president is sorely mistaken if he believes a bill to raise the debt ceiling and raise taxes would pass the House.” I think I’m turning into a bigot; at least as far as becoming prejudiced against orange people.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Charlie Sheen jokes, Janice Hough, Myspace jokes, Wimbledon jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 29, 2011
Ben Roethlisberger may need an operation to repair his broken foot. Let me guess, if Big Ben checks into a deluxe hotel before the surgery, his fiancee has already vetoed his ordering room service.
–
Terrell Owens’ agent says that despite his client’s surgergy, T.O. is not retiring. Not sure how NFL teams looking for a receiver feel about this, but comedy writers across the country are breathing a big sigh of relief.
–
Rep. Michele Bachmann’s former chief of staff has declined to work for the campaign and instead endorsed Tim Pawlenty. Bachmann wants to be the next President, she’s more likely to be the next Gingrich.
–
Although despite all of Gingrich’s staffer’s quitting, Newt says he is still in the race. The number of candidates in the GOP field keeps growing and growing. At what point can we start sending one of them home each week without a rose?
–
My current dream – Can we get Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin together on the Tonight Show? Preferably the “Jaywalking” segment.
–
Malaysia Airlines, responding to complaints from passengers who don’t like to listen to crying in first class, has now banned babies from the first class cabin on their Boeing 747-400 jets, and plans to expand the ban to other planes. One question – are they talking only about chronological babies?
In an interview on Fox News Tuesday night, Bristol Palin declined to comment about her mother’s possible run for the presidency, saying “What happens at our kitchen table stays at our kitchen table.” Well, at least until we decide to write a book about it.
.
Apparently Major League Baseball is likely to file a motion to seize the Los Angeles Dodgers. Amazing how fast Bud Selig can moves when he wants to. Meanwhile, his three-man “Blue Ribbon Committee” studying the Oakland A’s possible move to San Jose hasn’t come up with a decision after over two years….
–
Pope Benedict XVI used an iPad to send out his first-ever tweet this morning. So how come the Vatican is so open to adopting technology, and so rigidly against adopting ideas like a (officially) non-celibate clergy?
–
Final score from Tuesday in the first game of a doubleheader. San Francisco 13, Chicago 7. Did the Giants miss an extra point or something?
Here we go again. This time it’s Georgia’s athletic department that has contacted the NCAA and the SEC regarding possible eligibility problems – with football player Jarvis Jones and incoming basketball player Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. At this point it’s enough to make sports fans long for the comparative innnocence and purity of bicycle racing.
–
From Jim Barach: Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton is blaming his poor daytime batting average on having blue eyes. He doesn’t understand that before 1947, the number one reason most major leaguers were in the big leagues was having blue eyes.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Ben Roethlisberger jokes, Bristol Palin jokes, football jokes, Michele Bachmann jokes, Selig jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
June 28, 2011
The Los Angeles Dodgers declared bankruptcy today. So does this really make them “America’s Team?”
–
Frank McCourt stated that despite the bankruptcy, for the Dodgers it would be “business as usual.” That’s what real fans are afraid of.
Picture from my friend Daniel Silveira.
New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez divulged that he has been playing through a secret knee injury, which he says he suffered a week ago while pivoting. Wonder which mirror he was in front of at the time?
–
Meanwhile, on Tuesday in Wrigley Field, number 75 takes the mound for the SF Giants for the first time since April 16. Hard to believe – all that torture in the past 2 1/2 months, and Barry Zito was nowhere in sight.
–
Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was convicted Monday on 17 of the 20 public corruption charges against him. Blago’s biggest mistake? Deciding to commit high-profile crimes in Illinois instead of Los Angeles.
–
A former Citigroup V.P., Gary Foster, has been arrested and charged with charged with embezzling $19 million by transferring money from various Citibank accounts to his personal account at another bank. Great. Commit financial crimes against individuals, get arrested. Commit financial crimes against an entire country, get a bail out.
–
–
Serena and Venus Williams both eliminated at Wimbledon. Who do these sisters think they are? American men?
But really, Americans are out of Wimbledon, and now off the leader board at most PGA events. Baseball may yet again be the “Great American Pastime” – it’s the only summer sport we’re still any good at.
–
Fox News’s Chris Wallace now says he “messed up” by asking Michelle Bachmann whether she’s a “flake.” Apparently the network got an angry request for an apology – from Kellogg’s.
–
Michelle Bachmann has already mixed up Lexington, MA and Lexington, NH. Today she said, “John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That’s the kind of spirit that I have, too.” Except that the John Wayne from Waterloo was serial killer John Wayne Gacy, executed in 1994 for 33 murders. Think out of all those Gingrich staffers that quit Bachmann could find a good fact-checker?
–
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers bankruptcy, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Michelle Bachman jokes, Michelle Bachmann jokes, Rod Blagojevich jokes, Wimbledon jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
June 27, 2011
An Emperor penguin is under medical care in New Zealand after somehow getting lost and swimming there all the way from its native Antarctia. Doctors have recently ascertained that the bird, dubbed “Happy Feet,” is a male. Well, of course, a female penguin would have asked for directions.
–
Statement SF Giants fans thought they would NEVER hear this season: From Cleveland Indians manager Manny Acta said. “I felt we had the opportunity to win two of the three games at least. We were flat out overmatched at the plate.”
With all due respect, the Giants hitters these days couldn’t overmatch a team of anorexic supermodels at the place.
–
Meanwhile, in Texas – Final score Sunday – Tampa Bay 14 – Houston 10. So did the NFL schedule a secret pre-season game and not tell anyone?
–
Russian billionaire and New Jersey Nets owner Mikhail Prohkorov is now the head of a new political party, “Just Cause,” in Russia. “Just Cause,” is considered to be a Kremlin creation to give the illusion of competing with the ruling United Russia party. Well, if anyone knows about giving the illusion of competing, it’s the owner of the Nets.
–
Newt Gingrich in a Saturday speech on the legalization of gay marriage “I think we are drifting toward a terrible muddle which I think is going to be very, very difficult and painful to work our way out of.” Right, as opposed to straight marriage, where you can just very very easily dump your wife when she gets sick.
–
The Detroit Tigers retired the number of former manager Sparky Anderson, who died last year at the age of 76. Had he lived, however, Sparky might now have been considered too young and inexperienced for the Marlins job.
–
Michelle Bachman said her experience founding and running a pair of mental health clinics qualifies her for the presidency. Insert “blind leading the blind” joke here.
–
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie stated Sunday that he was “not a fan of gay marriage.” Well, while I can’t speak for all gay men, I think it’s a pretty safe better none of them are interested in marrying him anyway.
–
The University of Kentucky has apparently agreed to a two-year extension for men’s basketball coach John Calipari, giving him a total eight more years on his contract. Wonder if there’s an opt-out if the Wildcats become the third team in a row to vacate wins for violations with Calipari in charge.
–
From Gary Morton, some news from Seattle: The Mariners rank 22nd on baseball’s 2011 attendance records, averaging slightly over 22,000/game. The Seattle Sounders – soccer – would rank 9th on that same list, averaging just over 36,000. It’s no surprise to Seattle fans that the Sounders have more success at the gate than their baseball peers – they score a lot more than the Mariners.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachman jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, lost penguin jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 26, 2011
The happiest city in New York today? Could be Niagara Falls. Years ago it actuallywas the country’s top honeymoon destination.
My friend Ben Pesta commented that that now the Falls will “be the jumping-off spot for members of various Defense of Marriage organizations.”
(an aside for what it’s worth – the top honeymoon destination in the U.S. today? Walt Disney World, seriously.)
–
One group that has been protesting against gay marriage in New York is the Norwich Tea Party Patriots – Whose motto on their website says ‘Fiscal responsibility, limited government, free market.”
Let’s see, higher taxes for married couples, govt out of the way, market choices….hmm.
–
Actually polls in New York showed public opinion was strongly in favor of gay marriage. Of course, let’s see if this holds up. Especially in New York City next June – you think it was hard to get a wedding caterer before….
–
–
Fox baseball announcers said Saturday for the SF Giants to win they need to get two-out hits with men in scoring position. Uh, why start now?
And as it turned out, they didn’t get any hits with men in scoring position, the same as Friday, and still won, the same as Friday.
–
Of course, the Giants were playing the equally offensively challenged Cheveland Indians. In fact, Saturday, the two teams combined for fewer hits than at a Taylor Hicks concert.
–
Good pitching, decent hitting, no defense. Forget “Don’t Stop Believing.” The San Francisco Giants theme song should be “Two out of three ain’t bad.”
–
Due to a make-up game the Detroit Tigers have to play this week, the Giants will not have to face Justin Verlander. Which even San Francisco fans have to feel a little disappointed about – how often do you have that good a chance to watch a no-hitter?
–
–
Saturday night was the Gold Cup soccer final between the U.S. and Mexico at the Rose Bowl just outside Los Angeles. Which probably was a big home field advantage. If so, U.S. fans couldn’t quite help their team overcome it.
–
Joe Maddon, 57, is endorsing “One A Day 50 Plus Advantage” vitamins. If sales are going well, wonder how long it will take the company to start producing “80 Plus Advantage” vitamins for Jack McKeon?
–
And finally, now that New York has legalized gay marriage, here’s a slightly tangential serious question for readers: Do you think an active male professional athlete playing a team sport in the U.S. will come out of the closet in this decade? And if so in what sport?
(No prizes, but since the internet is forever, a response that turns out to be correct in comments will give you serious bragging rights.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: gay marriage jokes, San Francisco Giants jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
June 25, 2011
The New York GOP controlled Senate voted Friday night to legalize gay marriage, and Governor Cuomo signed the bill into law:
So will Billy Crystal make a second movie “When Harry met Sal?
–
Dirk Nowitzki threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Texas Rangers’ game Friday night. Rumor has it the Florida Marlins were thinking of having Lebron James throw out the first pitch at a game too. But they’re afraid the ball will only make it three-quarters of the way to the plate.
–
R.I.P. Columbo (Peter Falk.) In his honor, all trenchcoats may be worn at half-mast.
Alex Kaseberg wonders if his last words to the nurse were “Sorry to bother you maam, one more thing…”
–
Texas Governor Rick Perry is edging closer to a run for the GOP Presidential nomination in 2012. As soon as he figures out one little problem. How do you campaign for President and talk about your state’s secession at the same time?
–
Tennis riddle of the day: What do you call an American man in the finals at Wimbledon? A spectator.
–
Commie pinko time for the next two below:
In an anti-abortion speech, Michelle Bachmann applauded the fact that at least six Minnesota Planned Parenthood clinics were closing due to federal budget cuts? So let’s see, the objective is to limit abortions, and she thinks it will help to limit lower-income people’s access to birth control?
–
Well, we’ve finally found a way of curing many GOP members of Congress from always wanting to take military action in other countries. Have a Democratic president authorize the operation.
–
–
So after settling their 2004 lawsuit in 2008, then deciding not to take their rejected followup suit to the U.S. Supreme Court, the Winklevoss twins are now going after Facebook with new lititgation in Massachusetts. Even Brett Favre is saying “Guys, give it up already.’
–
Just once when you’re sitting on hold forever with an airline, instead of hearing “Due to higher than normal call volume you may experience extended hold times”, it would be nice to hear something a little more truthful. Like “Due to the fact we want to minimize salary costs we have decided to under staff our phone lines in hopes you will give up and go to our website.
–
Yesterday’s – “Herman Cain said that Jon Stewart was ‘attacking him because he was black.” Nope, Herman, Stewart was attacking you because you are stupid.'”
Said Augie “Responded Sarah Palin, what color is stupid?”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: gay marriage jokes, Lebron jokes, political jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
June 24, 2011
Lindsay Lohan’s parties and failed alcohol test will not get her sent back to jail, because alcohol was not specifically prohibited in her house arrest sentence. Although the judge did say Lohan used “extremely poor judgment” and ordered “No more parties.” Jeez, what does a celebrity have to do to get sent to jail in L.A, kill someone? Never mind, strike that.
–
A Southwest pilot has returned from his suspension after his cockpit rant. Apparently he didn’t realize he was broadcasting on an air traffic channel while referring to the airline’s flight attendants as a “continuous stream of gays and grannies and grandes.”
Hope the guy plans to spend his remaining years with the airline bringing his own coffee onboard.
–
But really, what could possibly have been his defense for such a rant?, (which was also apparently laced with profanities.) Guess the pilot couldn’t apologize and say he was drunk?
–
–
Lindsay Lohan has been photographed having rooftop parties during her home confinement, and has now apparently failed a court-ordered alcohol test, her second of the year. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ celebrity “75 strikes and you’re out” policy.
–
–
After the Washingon Nationals won for the 11th time in 12 games, manager Jeff Riggleman just suddenly quit. No word if he’s been offered a job by any other team, but Riggleman did reputedly receive a congratulatory call from Sarah Palin.
–
–
NBA Player’s union president Derek Fisher said that players aren’t afraid of a work stoppage. And presumably Lebron James will teach them how to view it just as a long fourth quarter.
–
–
Sarah Palin cancelled an announced trip to the Sudan due to “scheduling difficulties.” Wonder what that means? She couldn’t find it on a map?
–
After Jon Stewart made fun of Herman Cain when the presidential candidate said in a speech that he would not sign a bill longer than three pages, Cain said that Stewart was “attacking him because he was black.” Nope, Herman, Stewart was attacking you because you are stupid.
–
–
Some GOP candidates say President Obama’s Afghanistan troop reduction plan brings home troops too slowly, others say it brings them home too fast. Anyone want to hazard a guess what they would say if it were President George W. Bush’s plan? “What a great example of nuanced leadership?” (Those of them who know the word nuanced.)
–
Ron Artest now wants to change his name – for real, he has petitioned the Los Angeles Supreme Court. The new name he wants? “Metta World Peace.” Guess “Bat Sh*t Crazy” was already taken.
–
–
The Phillie Phanatic mascot was attending a minor league game and had to be taken to the hospital after getting drilled by a foul line drive. The Phanatic suffered a minor concussion but will be fine. Maybe he should consider attending SF Giants games. They don’t hit the ball hard enough to hurt anyone.
–
Serious groaner for NHL fans from Gary Morton: Fans in BC don’t want to talk about the Stanley Cup anymore. To them, that’s Luongo and far away.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Lebron jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, Palin jokes, Southwest jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 23, 2011
Phoenix Suns president Lon Babby called into a Phoenix radio station to say” I have said it a zillion times. We are not trading Steve Nash,”
Translation, no one made them a good enough offer.
–
George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis announced they have ended their two-year relationship, possibly over his unwillingness to propose marriage.
“So what?” responded millions of men. “There’s still hope,” responded millions of women.
–
Now we are hearing that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for $1 million. This level of credit line was known privately at the store as a “Kobe Special.”
–
Meanwhile, more campaign staffers are deserting Gingrich. The only way this story could be any better is if some of them went to work for his ex-wives.
–
North Carolina has received an NCAA notice of allegations from the NCAA outlining numerous “potential major violations” in football. Guess this settles it, the Tarheels have officially arrived as a major football program.
–
Okay, who predicted this. If the All-Star pitchers were chosen today, the San Francisco Giants starter who most deserves to make the team is…. . Ryan Vogelsong?!!
(and non-Giants fans, yes, look it up – 5 and 1 record, with an ERA of 1.86 – well over a run lower than any other starter on the staff.)
–
The US beat Panama in the Gold Cup semi-final Wednesday night. Prompting this response from many American sports fans “That’s really great, what sport were we playing?”
–
Mark Cuban may now be interested in buying the Dodgers. And it could happen. Frank McCourt may have accomplished the impossible – getting Bud Selig to think Cuban might be the lesser of any two evils as an owner.
Sad news, Glen Campbell has announced he has Alzheimer’s. The only silver lining, soon he won’t remember the outfits he wore for Rhinestone Cowboy.
–
Sarah Palin has reportedly quit her bus tour halfway through. Wow, Santa must have decided that as a group comedy writers had been very very good last year.
–
Follow up story later today: Sarah Palin now disputes reports that she has canceled her bus tour. She posted on Facebook that she’s been called for jury duty, and that she will resume the tour “when the time comes.” Does Sarah really think she’d be picked? Neither side would expect her to stay through the whole trial.
–
Two I wish I’d written:
From Marc Ragovin: Jack McKeon walking out to the mound to make a pitching change is the baseball equivalent of the four corners offense.
From Jim Barach: A 90 year old Florida woman married a man she met on match.com. The amazing part is that she thought she was buying a comforter on eBay.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: George Clooney jokes, Gingrich jokes, Glen Campbell jokes, Sarah Palin jokes
Comments: 8 Comments
June 22, 2011
One of the new popular items at county fairs this summer is apparently deep-fried Kool-Aid balls. (really.) Assume the price on them is $4.20.
–
Another example of why when you wish/pray for something, it is important to be specific. The Giants lost to the Twins tonight 9-2, after Minnesota scored 8 runs in the first inning. How many SF Giants fans said before the game- “God, I am so tired of watching great pitching wasted in 2-1 losses”?
–
Another day, another Republican candidate. Today it’s Jon Huntsman, who says he wants to “create jobs.” Waiting for the honest man or woman who really states the GOP platform – “More tax breaks for millionaires.”
–
Dirk Nowitzki is now trying to decide whether to take the summer off, or play for the German National Team. Or he could make a Lebron like compromise – play for the German team, but take the fourth quarter off.
–
Now Newt Gingrich’s campaign finance staff has resigned. To paraphrase an old joke, at this point the main difference between Newt’s presidential campaign and Elvis, is that everyone knows the campaign is dead.
–
“Lost” actor Doug Hutchison, 51, announced that he has married his 16-year-old girlfriend, Courtney Alexis Stodden. Even Hugh Hefner is saying “Now that’s just creepy.”
–
Princess Cruise Lines is now dropping both Mazatlan and Puerto Vallarta as a port on their seven-day cruises from Los Angeles, citing concerns over “the continued violence in these areas.” Really? If the cruise line was that concerned about violence, they would just drop Los Angeles.
–
In a report released by the American Customer Satisfication Index, airlines ranked 47th amongst among 47 industries. This despite many survey respondents who tried to rank them 50th.
–
An Amish man was arrested today in Indiana when he arrived at a 12 year old girl’s house in a horse-drawn buggy . Allegedly he had sent the girl sexually explicit messages. So what is an Amish sext? – A hand written note directing someone to look for naked pictures placed on top of their rotary phone?
–
This next may only make sense to California readers…
Statement from Gavin Newsom’s spokesperson: “Contrary to rumors and speculations cited in recent media reports, Lt. Governor Newsom has no intention of pursuing a run for the U.S. House of Representatives.” Of course not now – at this point he has no idea where things will end up with redistricting.
–
Despite many allegations of the contrary, a investigation by the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles of two Columbus-area automobile dealerships found that no state laws were broken as far as used car deals given to Ohio State football players and family members, and that they could not confirm any special deals were tied to free tickets and memorabilia.
The department, however, declined to release details of the investigation. Would just love to see how much Buckeyes’ memorabilia is on display at the BMV.
–
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, cruise jokes, Gingrich jokes, Lebron jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 7 Comments
June 21, 2011
These days that describes what a lot of major league ballplayers aspire to be on a given day. (11 Major League Teams are hitting under .250)
Nearing the midpoint of the 2011 season, the San Francisco Giants have 46 home runs as a team. Considering that Posey and Freddie Sanchez could be both out for the season, wonder if there’s a chance that the team won’t match Barry Bonds’ 2001 total of 73?
–
Buster Posey is out for the year after a collision at home plate. Albert Pujols is out over a month after a collision at first base. And Bud Selig is just trying to think of a rule that would basically translate to “Don’t run into superstars.”
–
San Diego Zoo officials are delighted to announce the arrival of a new baby gorilla, the first gorilla born at the Safari Park in nearly 11 years. The only potential worry – some think the baby looks a bit like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
–
NHL star defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom has announced he will return for a 20th season with the Red Wings. Which is a big relief to Detroit fans, who were worried he would decide to spend more time with his grandchildren.
–
Glee’s co-creator Ryan Murphy has indicated that the show’s seniors leave the show after season three because they will actually “graduate.” Makes sense. For the most part they’re playing singers, not football players.
–
Ryan Dunn, 34 ,one of the stars of MTV’s “Jackass,” died Monday in a 3 a.m. car crash. Police say speed “may have been a factor,” and a few hours before the crash he posted a twitter picture of himself drinking with friends. Sad, but sounds likely there were few people more likely to end up with a Darwin award.
–
Mitt Romney is now being attacked by other GOP candidates for not signing a pledge to make abortion an absolute litmus test for judges. Anyone else getting the idea that if Attilla the Hun was running for the Republican presidential nomination he’d be attacked for being too moderate?
–
In honor of Jack McKeon being back managing the Marlins, rumor has it that all hotdogs purchased at the stadium by 6pm will be at “early bird special” prices.
–
Bill Schmarzo reminds us, McKeon’s Dominican passport says he’s only 36.
–
From Chad Picasner: McKeon won’t actually officially take over the club until the Marlins complete the handicap ramp from the dugout to the field.
–
The riots in Greece continue. I didn’t even know they had hockey finals over there.
–
John McCain claimed this weekend that there was “substantial evidence” that some of the Arizona wildfires had been started by illegal immigrants. But there is actually no evidence, as even firefighters state. And where was McCain’s outrage when a man born here in the US took advantage of Arizona’s loose gun laws to shoot all those people in Tucson?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Giants jokes, GOP jokes, Jack McKeon jokes, Presidential election jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
June 20, 2011
The Florida Marlins hired former coach Jack McKeon, 80, as their interim coach. Makes a certain amount of sense – with seven NL teams batting under .250, McKeon at least has experience managing in a dead ball era.
(my friend Marty Burwell suggests, since McKeon is 80, “insert dead ball jokes here.”
–
Some think McKeon at 80 might be out of touch with today’s players. But really, don’t most young people get along better with their grandparents than their parents?
–
And McKeon is apparently willing to change with the times. He’s planning to change the phones in the clubhouse from rotary dial to touchtone.
–
He’s also said as long as they keep the volume at a reasonable level, he’s okay with players bringing in their personal CD players and boom boxes into the clubhouse.
(Yes, these could go on forever, but anyone reading should feel free to add “How old is Jack McKeon?” jokes in comments.)
–
McKeon’s first move? Seeing if he can pick up any mid-season pitching help. Apparently he’s already talked to the Phillies to ask how that nice young man Jamie Moyer is doing after Tommy John surgery.
–
Meanwhile, in the NFL, owners and players are alike are watching the McKeon story, and thinking “Okay, nobody tell Brett Favre about this.”
–
Miss California was crowned Miss USA tonight, with this answer about medical marijuana – “I’m not sure if it should be legalized, if it would really affect, with the drug war. I mean, it’s abused today, unfortunately, so that’s the only reason why I would kind of be a little bit against it, but medically it’s OK.” Sounds like she has a great future in politics.
–
Talk about things being darkest before the dawn: Before this weekend Rory McIlroy was best known to American golf fans as the guy who shot the worst final round EVER when leading the Masters after three rounds. (For non-golf fans, he had a four shot lead, shot an 80, and ended up tied for 15 in April of this year .)
–
An ESPN.com article is titled “How the Heat Can Improve Next Season.” May I suggest duct tape. For their mouths.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Jack McKeon jokes, Marlins jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
June 18, 2011
As United Airlines customers found out Friday night – they were serious. The airline lost all its computers for six hours. Planes couldn’t take off, passengers couldn’t check in, and apparently many passengers on planes couldn’t get off.
Or as JetBlue says “Winter business as usual.”
–
At one point, all United flights that had not taken off were grounded indefinitely. Changing the airline’s slogan from ‘It’s time to fly” to “Does anybody really know what time it is?”
–
Stay tune Monday for a new “computer maintenance ticket” fee?.
–
Bad timing award? United Airlines’ computers are slowly coming back online after a six hour complete outage. This in the same week that the FAA authorized American Airlines to replace their pilot flight manuals with iPads.
–
–
Bristol Palin’s tell-all memoir will be published next week, following the two books written by her mother. Wonder if she will continue Sarah’s theme of complaining that the media just won’t give them any privacy?
–
Bristol, for what it’s worth, refers to the the father of her son as a “gnat.” So much for last year’s quote “I believe that wherever possible, if the parents can cooperate and co-parent in a positive way, the child will benefit…. putting aside the past is in Tripp’s best interest.”
–
New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan is leading the fight against gay marriage in New York. While the Archbishop is entitled to his beliefs, wonder he wasn’t nearly so fervent in fighting to defrock pedophile priests?
–
Apparently AARP may be willing to negotiate on raising the retirement age for social security. We will know this is for sure if and when they introduce their new AARP spokesman – Brett Favre.
–
So in the aftermath of the Anthony Weiner debacle, will young couples start changing their wedding vows to say “and forsaking all others, keep thee and thy naughty tweets only unto her?”
–
Tiger-less U.S. Open update – (What, there’s a golf tournament this weekend?) What’s more bizarre? That 22 year old Rory McIlroy shot a U.S. Open record 11 under par for the first two rounds? Or that he did it while double-bogeying the 18th hole Friday?
–
The NCAA has announced their schedule of 35 bowl games for 2011-12, with ZERO games on January 1. Because it is a Sunday and thus games would conflict on television with NFL games if they settle the lockout. Can’t imagine how these college athletes get the idea it’s all about the money.
–
Frank and Jamie McCourt have agreed to a divorce settlement that MAY allow Frank to keep control of the Dodgers. Dodgers fans are considering a petition to urge Jamie to keep fighting.
–
A survey found that Facebook users were 43 percent more likely than other Internet users to say that “most people can be trusted.” That number would have been a lot higher except for all those women who got messages from Anthony Weiner.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bristol Palin book jokes, Janice Hough, United Airlines computer jokes, United Airlines jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 17, 2011
Not titles, but posts. Apologies since apparently my attempts to hit the “publish” button last night were as successful as the Canucks’ efforts to put a puck in the goal.
–
But there’s a silver lining after last night’s Canucks Stanley Cup loss and the subsequent riots: Al-Qaeda probably will not be attacking Vancouver any time soon – the terrorists have decided “Those people are scary.”
After an opening round 65 on Thursday, Rory McIlroy, 22 is leading the U.S. Open. How young is McIlroy? Why, he can’t even remember a time when famous golfers had to call their mistresses on payphones.
–
So much for Anthony Weiner’s grand ambitions – He probably expected that he would some day walk into a room to “Hail to the Chief.” Instead it’s more likely to be “Sorry seems to be the Hardest Word.”
–
Now that Weiner has resigned, we have to wonder how many Congressmen have as yet undiscovered potentially embarassing pictures and texts out there. This is known in military parlance as “unexploded ordnance.”
–
For my non-English friends, in Britain a cellphone is known as a “Mobile.” So this means the past month will go down in history across the pond as the “Weinermobile” scandal.
–
Once Anthony Wener resigns, as a private citizen he can sext and send pictures to anyone he wants without media attention. Of course, as a private citizen, he will find a lot few women interested in answering his tweets.
–
A particularly offensive campaign ad in Southern California shows Congressional candidate Janice Hahn as a stripper hanging out with gangsters. The ad has received bipartisan condemnation, although Hahn herself has reputedly now received some texts from Anthony Weiner.
–
An editorial in the Manchester Union-Leader, which sponsored the first GOP debate, has gone after Mitt Romney for acting “high-falutin” and “haughty.” Responded Romney, if they’re going to criticize me, the correct word is “supercilious.”
–
The Texas Rangers accused the New York Yankees of stealing signs. The Yankees responded they don’t steal anything. They buy the signs fair and square. (Or as my friend Karen says “they fell off a truck, I know a guy.”
–
Former NY Giants wide receiver David Tyree said gay marriage is the first step towards “anarchy,” partly because two men or two women together cannot raise a child. So if he feels that way, why have we heard nothing from Tyree about other players like Ray Lewis, Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry, who all have more than a half dozen kids by various women.
–
And finally, here’s the question of the day. Father’s Day is Sunday. How many cards will Arnold Schwarenegger get?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Anthony Weiner jokes, Romney jokes, Stanley Cup jokes, Vancouver jokes, Weiner jokes, Weiner resignation jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 17, 2011
$1000? Wonder how much Edwards spent on his hair and makeup?
–
Some sympathy for Vancouver hockey fans. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to lose a game 7 in the Stanley Cup finals?
Well, no, replied hockey fans in Northern California.
–
Roberto Luongo did not have a perfect evening. On the other hand, he had so little support that the Canucks goalie has just been named an honorary SF Giants pitcher.
–
Is “Canuck” Canadian for “Shark?”
–
Adult movie actress Ginger Lee said today that Congressman Anthony Weiner asked her to lie about their online relationship. So who are you going to believe? Someone who sells themselves for money? Or the porn star?
–
Now when Lee, who says she texted and tweeted with Anthony Weiner, held her press conference, she was flanked by her attorney… Gloria Allred.
“I am shocked,” said absolutely no one.
–
Apparently the main reason that Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign staffers quit was his wife, Callista. Hmm, maybe given Newt’s history the staff should have treated the marriage like the weather – just wait and it will change.
–
Some are criticizing President Obama for only spending five hours in Puerto Rico. Well, it’s five hours more than George W. Bush spent during his presidency in San Francisco. (Or as a friend reminds me – Puerto Rico.)
–
–
Former UConn forward Jamal Coombs-McDaniel, who was arrested on drug charges earlier this year, was allowed to enter a first-time offenders program which will require him to perform community service and to take 10 drug education classes. Hmm. This may be more classes than he took at UConn.
–
from TC ” Monday’s Miami Herald ran a full page Macy’s ad for “NBA 2011 Championship Miami Heat” tee shirts, hats and related souvenirs.
A spokesperson for Macy’s has apologized saying the wrong ad was accidentally submitted.
The correct ad should have read NFL Surplus Tee Shirts and Hats, “2007-2008 New England Patriots Perfect 19-0 Season” and “New England Patriots SB XLII Champions”
–
In Canada, the Macy’s ad meant to say “Congratulations Vancouver Canucks on your First Stanley Cup Victory.”
–
From Gary Morton on yesterday’s post about Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning.”
“Cliff’s having flashbacks. He thought he was still chasing Cam Newton.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Canucks jokes, Heat jokes, John Edwards jokes, Stanley Cup jokes, Vancouver jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
June 14, 2011
Okay, it’s all sweetness and light now, but how long until the Dallas Mavericks get booed again in Los Angeles?
–
Many pundits are using Miami’s defeat in the NBA finals as proof you can’t buy a championship. And somewhere George Steinbrenner is just quietly chuckling….
–
The Lebron James school of how to win friends in action again – “All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today.” Yes, Lebron, but isn’t sports supposed to be an escape? And right now those people are smiling.
–
Actually Monday morning, folks in Cleveland woke up with smiles as big as those in Ann Arbor reading about Jim Tressell’s resignation.
–
Newt Gingrich’s sister said her brother won’t end his presidential campaign despite the resignation of most of his campaign staff – “He doesn’t give up that easily,” said Candace Gingrich-Jones. No, not on campaigns. Only on his marriages.
–
Got to hand it to Lebron James. He may have set a new sports record for tarnishing an image without doing anything illegal and while keeping his pants on.
–
Speaking of which, it’s Tuesday morning already. So where are today’s latest Anthony Weiner pictures?
–
President Obama is visiting Puerto Rico today. So which Republican candidate will be the first to chastise him for wasting time and money travelling to a foreign country?
–
Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is under house arrest due to jail overcrowding, and this weekend she threw a rooftop party for her friends. Wow. Normally to get this kind of “punishment” in Los Angeles you need to kill someone.
–
And here I thought he was the smart one in the race: Mitt Romney, flanked by, amongst others, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Michelle Bachman, said “anyone on this stage would be a better president than Barack Obama.”
–
President Barack Obama says that if he were in Congressman Anthony Weiner’s position, he would resign. Not that I think Obama’s the type to send semi-naked pictures to women, but resign? Really? If he were in Weiner’s position and Michelle had found out, Barack would be dead.
–
Inspired by my funny friend Jim Barach, who pointed out that “Ruler on Ice” is the horse that won the Belmont, not to be confused with Saddam Hussein. Also not to be confused with “Ruler in Water” – Osama bin Laden.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP debate joke, GOP debate jokes, Heat jokes, Mavericks jokes, Obama jokes, Weiner jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 