Author Archive
June 23, 2011
Phoenix Suns president Lon Babby called into a Phoenix radio station to say” I have said it a zillion times. We are not trading Steve Nash,”
Translation, no one made them a good enough offer.
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George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis announced they have ended their two-year relationship, possibly over his unwillingness to propose marriage.
“So what?” responded millions of men. “There’s still hope,” responded millions of women.
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Now we are hearing that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for $1 million. This level of credit line was known privately at the store as a “Kobe Special.”
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Meanwhile, more campaign staffers are deserting Gingrich. The only way this story could be any better is if some of them went to work for his ex-wives.
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North Carolina has received an NCAA notice of allegations from the NCAA outlining numerous “potential major violations” in football. Guess this settles it, the Tarheels have officially arrived as a major football program.
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Okay, who predicted this. If the All-Star pitchers were chosen today, the San Francisco Giants starter who most deserves to make the team is…. . Ryan Vogelsong?!!
(and non-Giants fans, yes, look it up – 5 and 1 record, with an ERA of 1.86 – well over a run lower than any other starter on the staff.)
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The US beat Panama in the Gold Cup semi-final Wednesday night. Prompting this response from many American sports fans “That’s really great, what sport were we playing?”
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Mark Cuban may now be interested in buying the Dodgers. And it could happen. Frank McCourt may have accomplished the impossible – getting Bud Selig to think Cuban might be the lesser of any two evils as an owner.
Sad news, Glen Campbell has announced he has Alzheimer’s. The only silver lining, soon he won’t remember the outfits he wore for Rhinestone Cowboy.
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Sarah Palin has reportedly quit her bus tour halfway through. Wow, Santa must have decided that as a group comedy writers had been very very good last year.
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Follow up story later today: Sarah Palin now disputes reports that she has canceled her bus tour. She posted on Facebook that she’s been called for jury duty, and that she will resume the tour “when the time comes.” Does Sarah really think she’d be picked? Neither side would expect her to stay through the whole trial.
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Two I wish I’d written:
From Marc Ragovin: Jack McKeon walking out to the mound to make a pitching change is the baseball equivalent of the four corners offense.
From Jim Barach: A 90 year old Florida woman married a man she met on match.com. The amazing part is that she thought she was buying a comforter on eBay.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: George Clooney jokes, Gingrich jokes, Glen Campbell jokes, Sarah Palin jokes
Comments: 8 Comments
June 22, 2011
One of the new popular items at county fairs this summer is apparently deep-fried Kool-Aid balls. (really.) Assume the price on them is $4.20.
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Another example of why when you wish/pray for something, it is important to be specific. The Giants lost to the Twins tonight 9-2, after Minnesota scored 8 runs in the first inning. How many SF Giants fans said before the game- “God, I am so tired of watching great pitching wasted in 2-1 losses”?
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Another day, another Republican candidate. Today it’s Jon Huntsman, who says he wants to “create jobs.” Waiting for the honest man or woman who really states the GOP platform – “More tax breaks for millionaires.”
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Dirk Nowitzki is now trying to decide whether to take the summer off, or play for the German National Team. Or he could make a Lebron like compromise – play for the German team, but take the fourth quarter off.
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Now Newt Gingrich’s campaign finance staff has resigned. To paraphrase an old joke, at this point the main difference between Newt’s presidential campaign and Elvis, is that everyone knows the campaign is dead.
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“Lost” actor Doug Hutchison, 51, announced that he has married his 16-year-old girlfriend, Courtney Alexis Stodden. Even Hugh Hefner is saying “Now that’s just creepy.”
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Princess Cruise Lines is now dropping both Mazatlan and Puerto Vallarta as a port on their seven-day cruises from Los Angeles, citing concerns over “the continued violence in these areas.” Really? If the cruise line was that concerned about violence, they would just drop Los Angeles.
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In a report released by the American Customer Satisfication Index, airlines ranked 47th amongst among 47 industries. This despite many survey respondents who tried to rank them 50th.
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An Amish man was arrested today in Indiana when he arrived at a 12 year old girl’s house in a horse-drawn buggy . Allegedly he had sent the girl sexually explicit messages. So what is an Amish sext? – A hand written note directing someone to look for naked pictures placed on top of their rotary phone?
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This next may only make sense to California readers…
Statement from Gavin Newsom’s spokesperson: “Contrary to rumors and speculations cited in recent media reports, Lt. Governor Newsom has no intention of pursuing a run for the U.S. House of Representatives.” Of course not now – at this point he has no idea where things will end up with redistricting.
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Despite many allegations of the contrary, a investigation by the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles of two Columbus-area automobile dealerships found that no state laws were broken as far as used car deals given to Ohio State football players and family members, and that they could not confirm any special deals were tied to free tickets and memorabilia.
The department, however, declined to release details of the investigation. Would just love to see how much Buckeyes’ memorabilia is on display at the BMV.
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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, cruise jokes, Gingrich jokes, Lebron jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 7 Comments
June 21, 2011
These days that describes what a lot of major league ballplayers aspire to be on a given day. (11 Major League Teams are hitting under .250)
Nearing the midpoint of the 2011 season, the San Francisco Giants have 46 home runs as a team. Considering that Posey and Freddie Sanchez could be both out for the season, wonder if there’s a chance that the team won’t match Barry Bonds’ 2001 total of 73?
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Buster Posey is out for the year after a collision at home plate. Albert Pujols is out over a month after a collision at first base. And Bud Selig is just trying to think of a rule that would basically translate to “Don’t run into superstars.”
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San Diego Zoo officials are delighted to announce the arrival of a new baby gorilla, the first gorilla born at the Safari Park in nearly 11 years. The only potential worry – some think the baby looks a bit like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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NHL star defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom has announced he will return for a 20th season with the Red Wings. Which is a big relief to Detroit fans, who were worried he would decide to spend more time with his grandchildren.
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Glee’s co-creator Ryan Murphy has indicated that the show’s seniors leave the show after season three because they will actually “graduate.” Makes sense. For the most part they’re playing singers, not football players.
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Ryan Dunn, 34 ,one of the stars of MTV’s “Jackass,” died Monday in a 3 a.m. car crash. Police say speed “may have been a factor,” and a few hours before the crash he posted a twitter picture of himself drinking with friends. Sad, but sounds likely there were few people more likely to end up with a Darwin award.
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Mitt Romney is now being attacked by other GOP candidates for not signing a pledge to make abortion an absolute litmus test for judges. Anyone else getting the idea that if Attilla the Hun was running for the Republican presidential nomination he’d be attacked for being too moderate?
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In honor of Jack McKeon being back managing the Marlins, rumor has it that all hotdogs purchased at the stadium by 6pm will be at “early bird special” prices.
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Bill Schmarzo reminds us, McKeon’s Dominican passport says he’s only 36.
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From Chad Picasner: McKeon won’t actually officially take over the club until the Marlins complete the handicap ramp from the dugout to the field.
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The riots in Greece continue. I didn’t even know they had hockey finals over there.
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John McCain claimed this weekend that there was “substantial evidence” that some of the Arizona wildfires had been started by illegal immigrants. But there is actually no evidence, as even firefighters state. And where was McCain’s outrage when a man born here in the US took advantage of Arizona’s loose gun laws to shoot all those people in Tucson?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Giants jokes, GOP jokes, Jack McKeon jokes, Presidential election jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
June 20, 2011
The Florida Marlins hired former coach Jack McKeon, 80, as their interim coach. Makes a certain amount of sense – with seven NL teams batting under .250, McKeon at least has experience managing in a dead ball era.
(my friend Marty Burwell suggests, since McKeon is 80, “insert dead ball jokes here.”
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Some think McKeon at 80 might be out of touch with today’s players. But really, don’t most young people get along better with their grandparents than their parents?
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And McKeon is apparently willing to change with the times. He’s planning to change the phones in the clubhouse from rotary dial to touchtone.
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He’s also said as long as they keep the volume at a reasonable level, he’s okay with players bringing in their personal CD players and boom boxes into the clubhouse.
(Yes, these could go on forever, but anyone reading should feel free to add “How old is Jack McKeon?” jokes in comments.)
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McKeon’s first move? Seeing if he can pick up any mid-season pitching help. Apparently he’s already talked to the Phillies to ask how that nice young man Jamie Moyer is doing after Tommy John surgery.
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Meanwhile, in the NFL, owners and players are alike are watching the McKeon story, and thinking “Okay, nobody tell Brett Favre about this.”
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Miss California was crowned Miss USA tonight, with this answer about medical marijuana – “I’m not sure if it should be legalized, if it would really affect, with the drug war. I mean, it’s abused today, unfortunately, so that’s the only reason why I would kind of be a little bit against it, but medically it’s OK.” Sounds like she has a great future in politics.
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Talk about things being darkest before the dawn: Before this weekend Rory McIlroy was best known to American golf fans as the guy who shot the worst final round EVER when leading the Masters after three rounds. (For non-golf fans, he had a four shot lead, shot an 80, and ended up tied for 15 in April of this year .)
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An ESPN.com article is titled “How the Heat Can Improve Next Season.” May I suggest duct tape. For their mouths.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Jack McKeon jokes, Marlins jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
June 19, 2011
And happy Father’s day to my dad. From who I inherited a rather twisted sense of humor.
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The San Francisco Giants are allegedly thinking of issuing a press release. They can indeed hit water falling out of a boat. As long as the boat is not in scoring position.
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The Cleveland Indians fired their hitting coach, Jon Nunnally. In 13 games from June 2-13, they were 7 for 75 (.093) with runners in scoring position. This is 7 hits more that situation than the Giants have had since last Wednesday.
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Jack Nicklaus said Rory McIlroy asked him for advice last year on how to finish a golf tournament? Wonder if Jack told him “start Sunday with an eight shot lead?”
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George W. Bush threw out the first pitch in the College World Series. The pitch of course, started in the middle and veered to the right.
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How bad was Britney Spears’ “Femme Fatale” concert last night in San Jose?
This from Jim Harrington of the Oakland Tribune:
“Some fans felt cheated that Britney Spears performed only three tunes during her much-ballyhooed free made-for-TV concert in March in San Francisco.
As it turns out, they were lucky.”
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It may seem like the NBA playoffs go on forever, but at least we know the league won’t expand them a week further. Too many players are already overextended on Father’s Day.
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And it’s hard to believe that it wasn’t too many years ago that many people were talking about changing the U.S. born requirement so that Arnold Schwarzenegger could run for President. These days its hard to imagine Arnold getting elected again to anything. Although he could end up with the title – “Father of our Country.”
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From Gary Morton, because it’s too soon to have a blog post without Anthony Weiner involved (Morton says it will be his last.) “Now that Anthony Weiner has resigned, we shall once again be a kinder, genital-er country of twits.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: fathers day jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: Be the first to comment
June 18, 2011
As United Airlines customers found out Friday night – they were serious. The airline lost all its computers for six hours. Planes couldn’t take off, passengers couldn’t check in, and apparently many passengers on planes couldn’t get off.
Or as JetBlue says “Winter business as usual.”
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At one point, all United flights that had not taken off were grounded indefinitely. Changing the airline’s slogan from ‘It’s time to fly” to “Does anybody really know what time it is?”
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Stay tune Monday for a new “computer maintenance ticket” fee?.
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Bad timing award? United Airlines’ computers are slowly coming back online after a six hour complete outage. This in the same week that the FAA authorized American Airlines to replace their pilot flight manuals with iPads.
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Bristol Palin’s tell-all memoir will be published next week, following the two books written by her mother. Wonder if she will continue Sarah’s theme of complaining that the media just won’t give them any privacy?
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Bristol, for what it’s worth, refers to the the father of her son as a “gnat.” So much for last year’s quote “I believe that wherever possible, if the parents can cooperate and co-parent in a positive way, the child will benefit…. putting aside the past is in Tripp’s best interest.”
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New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan is leading the fight against gay marriage in New York. While the Archbishop is entitled to his beliefs, wonder he wasn’t nearly so fervent in fighting to defrock pedophile priests?
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Apparently AARP may be willing to negotiate on raising the retirement age for social security. We will know this is for sure if and when they introduce their new AARP spokesman – Brett Favre.
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So in the aftermath of the Anthony Weiner debacle, will young couples start changing their wedding vows to say “and forsaking all others, keep thee and thy naughty tweets only unto her?”
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Tiger-less U.S. Open update – (What, there’s a golf tournament this weekend?) What’s more bizarre? That 22 year old Rory McIlroy shot a U.S. Open record 11 under par for the first two rounds? Or that he did it while double-bogeying the 18th hole Friday?
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The NCAA has announced their schedule of 35 bowl games for 2011-12, with ZERO games on January 1. Because it is a Sunday and thus games would conflict on television with NFL games if they settle the lockout. Can’t imagine how these college athletes get the idea it’s all about the money.
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Frank and Jamie McCourt have agreed to a divorce settlement that MAY allow Frank to keep control of the Dodgers. Dodgers fans are considering a petition to urge Jamie to keep fighting.
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A survey found that Facebook users were 43 percent more likely than other Internet users to say that “most people can be trusted.” That number would have been a lot higher except for all those women who got messages from Anthony Weiner.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bristol Palin book jokes, Janice Hough, United Airlines computer jokes, United Airlines jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 17, 2011
Not titles, but posts. Apologies since apparently my attempts to hit the “publish” button last night were as successful as the Canucks’ efforts to put a puck in the goal.
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But there’s a silver lining after last night’s Canucks Stanley Cup loss and the subsequent riots: Al-Qaeda probably will not be attacking Vancouver any time soon – the terrorists have decided “Those people are scary.”
After an opening round 65 on Thursday, Rory McIlroy, 22 is leading the U.S. Open. How young is McIlroy? Why, he can’t even remember a time when famous golfers had to call their mistresses on payphones.
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So much for Anthony Weiner’s grand ambitions – He probably expected that he would some day walk into a room to “Hail to the Chief.” Instead it’s more likely to be “Sorry seems to be the Hardest Word.”
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Now that Weiner has resigned, we have to wonder how many Congressmen have as yet undiscovered potentially embarassing pictures and texts out there. This is known in military parlance as “unexploded ordnance.”
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For my non-English friends, in Britain a cellphone is known as a “Mobile.” So this means the past month will go down in history across the pond as the “Weinermobile” scandal.
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Once Anthony Wener resigns, as a private citizen he can sext and send pictures to anyone he wants without media attention. Of course, as a private citizen, he will find a lot few women interested in answering his tweets.
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A particularly offensive campaign ad in Southern California shows Congressional candidate Janice Hahn as a stripper hanging out with gangsters. The ad has received bipartisan condemnation, although Hahn herself has reputedly now received some texts from Anthony Weiner.
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An editorial in the Manchester Union-Leader, which sponsored the first GOP debate, has gone after Mitt Romney for acting “high-falutin” and “haughty.” Responded Romney, if they’re going to criticize me, the correct word is “supercilious.”
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The Texas Rangers accused the New York Yankees of stealing signs. The Yankees responded they don’t steal anything. They buy the signs fair and square. (Or as my friend Karen says “they fell off a truck, I know a guy.”
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Former NY Giants wide receiver David Tyree said gay marriage is the first step towards “anarchy,” partly because two men or two women together cannot raise a child. So if he feels that way, why have we heard nothing from Tyree about other players like Ray Lewis, Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry, who all have more than a half dozen kids by various women.
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And finally, here’s the question of the day. Father’s Day is Sunday. How many cards will Arnold Schwarenegger get?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Anthony Weiner jokes, Romney jokes, Stanley Cup jokes, Vancouver jokes, Weiner jokes, Weiner resignation jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 17, 2011
$1000? Wonder how much Edwards spent on his hair and makeup?
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Some sympathy for Vancouver hockey fans. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to lose a game 7 in the Stanley Cup finals?
Well, no, replied hockey fans in Northern California.
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Roberto Luongo did not have a perfect evening. On the other hand, he had so little support that the Canucks goalie has just been named an honorary SF Giants pitcher.
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Is “Canuck” Canadian for “Shark?”
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Adult movie actress Ginger Lee said today that Congressman Anthony Weiner asked her to lie about their online relationship. So who are you going to believe? Someone who sells themselves for money? Or the porn star?
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Now when Lee, who says she texted and tweeted with Anthony Weiner, held her press conference, she was flanked by her attorney… Gloria Allred.
“I am shocked,” said absolutely no one.
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Apparently the main reason that Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign staffers quit was his wife, Callista. Hmm, maybe given Newt’s history the staff should have treated the marriage like the weather – just wait and it will change.
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Some are criticizing President Obama for only spending five hours in Puerto Rico. Well, it’s five hours more than George W. Bush spent during his presidency in San Francisco. (Or as a friend reminds me – Puerto Rico.)
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Former UConn forward Jamal Coombs-McDaniel, who was arrested on drug charges earlier this year, was allowed to enter a first-time offenders program which will require him to perform community service and to take 10 drug education classes. Hmm. This may be more classes than he took at UConn.
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from TC ” Monday’s Miami Herald ran a full page Macy’s ad for “NBA 2011 Championship Miami Heat” tee shirts, hats and related souvenirs.
A spokesperson for Macy’s has apologized saying the wrong ad was accidentally submitted.
The correct ad should have read NFL Surplus Tee Shirts and Hats, “2007-2008 New England Patriots Perfect 19-0 Season” and “New England Patriots SB XLII Champions”
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In Canada, the Macy’s ad meant to say “Congratulations Vancouver Canucks on your First Stanley Cup Victory.”
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From Gary Morton on yesterday’s post about Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning.”
“Cliff’s having flashbacks. He thought he was still chasing Cam Newton.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Canucks jokes, Heat jokes, John Edwards jokes, Stanley Cup jokes, Vancouver jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
June 15, 2011
Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning. But wait, it gets better. Turns out according to ESPN that the car was rented and paid for by a female university employee. Who says that a friend of Harris’s asked to use the car, and paid her the cost of the rental in cash.
The woman added that she had no idea Harris would drive the car, and didn’t even know if his friend is on the team.
Yep, this should silence all those naysayers who say the Ducks don’t have a big-time football program.
(Not sure what will happen to Harris and his friend, but the woman, if she is fired by Oregon, should have a great chance to be hired by Jim Tressel.)
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New OSU head football coach Luke Fickell, a former assistant to Jim Tressel, said he had no idea about any NCAA rules violations: “I wasn’t going to say that I had blinders on, but I was very focused. I was not informed of any information until it became public knowledge.” Considering the cars his players were driving, having blinders on might have been Fickell’s best defense.
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Dirk Nowitzki, on Mark Cuban’s comment that he might want to reward the team with something other than “old school” rings – “I think I would vote for a ring. I mean, I’m a man. I don’t know how I’d feel about a bracelet. I’ve gotta go with a ring.” Besides in the NBA, when most players hear “bracelet,” they think “ankle.”
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Justin Verlander almost threw his third no-hitter tonight. Most teams look at him and think “I hope we don’t have to face him this year.” The Yankees think “I wonder how he’ll look in pinstripes.”
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Crystal Harris has apparently just called off her Saturday wedding to Hugh Hefner. Maybe Hef shouldn’t have told her about that pre-nuptial physical in which the doctor told him he was in good health and likely to live for many more years….
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A second judge turned down a request by Prop 8 supporters to disqualify the judge who overturned California’s ban on same-sex marriage, simply because the first judge was in a long-term relationship with another man. Makes sense, we don’t disqualify heterosexual judges in all rulings involving traditional marriages.
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Mark Cuban left a $20,000 tip at a Miami Beach nightclub after the Mavericks’ celebration party. Along with a free tip for the Heat ownership – it takes more than three superstars to make a team
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For their NBA finals win over Miami, Governor John Kasich of Ohio just declared the Mavericks honorary Ohioans. For their surrender in the fourth quarter, how long will it take for the Heat to be declared honorary French?.
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Commie pinko time:
GOP 2000 – George W. will make our strong economy stronger. GOP 2004 – we need to re-elect Bush as the best man to fix the economy after 9/11. GOP 2008 – Bush did as well as anyone could have with this tough global economy, McCain will keep us on the right track. GOP 2012 – It’s all Obama’s fault.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cliff Harris, Ducks jokes, GOP jokes, Heat jokes, Mark Cuban jokes, Miami jokes, NBA jokes, Oregon jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 14, 2011
Okay, it’s all sweetness and light now, but how long until the Dallas Mavericks get booed again in Los Angeles?
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Many pundits are using Miami’s defeat in the NBA finals as proof you can’t buy a championship. And somewhere George Steinbrenner is just quietly chuckling….
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The Lebron James school of how to win friends in action again – “All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today.” Yes, Lebron, but isn’t sports supposed to be an escape? And right now those people are smiling.
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Actually Monday morning, folks in Cleveland woke up with smiles as big as those in Ann Arbor reading about Jim Tressell’s resignation.
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Newt Gingrich’s sister said her brother won’t end his presidential campaign despite the resignation of most of his campaign staff – “He doesn’t give up that easily,” said Candace Gingrich-Jones. No, not on campaigns. Only on his marriages.
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Got to hand it to Lebron James. He may have set a new sports record for tarnishing an image without doing anything illegal and while keeping his pants on.
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Speaking of which, it’s Tuesday morning already. So where are today’s latest Anthony Weiner pictures?
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President Obama is visiting Puerto Rico today. So which Republican candidate will be the first to chastise him for wasting time and money travelling to a foreign country?
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Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is under house arrest due to jail overcrowding, and this weekend she threw a rooftop party for her friends. Wow. Normally to get this kind of “punishment” in Los Angeles you need to kill someone.
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And here I thought he was the smart one in the race: Mitt Romney, flanked by, amongst others, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Michelle Bachman, said “anyone on this stage would be a better president than Barack Obama.”
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President Barack Obama says that if he were in Congressman Anthony Weiner’s position, he would resign. Not that I think Obama’s the type to send semi-naked pictures to women, but resign? Really? If he were in Weiner’s position and Michelle had found out, Barack would be dead.
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Inspired by my funny friend Jim Barach, who pointed out that “Ruler on Ice” is the horse that won the Belmont, not to be confused with Saddam Hussein. Also not to be confused with “Ruler in Water” – Osama bin Laden.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP debate joke, GOP debate jokes, Heat jokes, Mavericks jokes, Obama jokes, Weiner jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
June 13, 2011
Is it just me, or does Callista Gingrich make Cindy McCain look relaxed and natural?
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Silver lining for the Miami Heat? After the team’s disappointing and at times childish performances when it was clear they felt entitled to a ring, they’ve all been offered a spot on next year’s “the Bachelorette.”
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Another silver lining, for the Heat, while the Dallas Mavericks get the White House visit with Obama, all the crying and whining has earned Miami a private invitation from John Boehner.
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Anyone who doesn’t believe in evolution clearly hasn’t seen Dirk Nowitzki.
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I think if JFK were alive he might say to all Americans north of Fort Lauderdale “Ich bein ein Maverick.”
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24,000 or so emails released from Sarah Palin’s time as Governor of Alaska, and so far nothing ridiculously embarrassing. Which illustrates one point – even the dumbest women seem to be smarter about electronic communication than men.
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Speaking of electronic stupidity, apparently Lebron James refers to himself as “King James” in texts. Open note to Lebron and any other athlete – before you refer to yourself as royalty, it’s a good idea to actually win a crown first.
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Actual Stanford Psychology PhD thesis title: “Using counterfactual transgressions to secure a moral identity.”. “Counterfactual transgressions” – I see a new political buzzphrase coming on.
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Also from Stanford commencement – Mexican President Felipe Calderon was the keynote speaker. His speech lasted 18 minutes. Or as Joe Biden would call it, perfect timing for good introductory remarks.
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Suggested by my son’s friend Zev – “Who’s happier tonight?” Fans in Dallas, or in Cleveland?
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Actually there’s one unhappy man in Dallas – Jerry Jones. The Mavericks win a championship, the Rangers win the American League championship. And the Cowboys…. Hey, how about that impressive job Dallas did in hosting the last Super Bowl in their new stadium? Oops, never mind.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dallas jokes, Lebron James, Lebron James jokes, Miami Heat jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
June 12, 2011
After his confession Monday, Anthony Weiner announced Saturday that he has requested a leave of absence from Congress while he enters rehab at an undisclosed location. So congratulations to all those who had “five days” in the pool.
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And what make Weiner decide to enter rehab? Repairing his image, redemption, or the chance to meet and tweet Lindsay Lohan?
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What a guy. Anthony Weiner now says that he did have online contact with a 17-year-old girl but said the communications were “neither explicit nor indecent.” Right, it was just the communications with the other dozen women that were both explicit and indecent.
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Harold Camping, the radio preacher who predicted the end of the world last month, has been hospitalized after suffering a stroke at his Northern California home Thursday night. Apparently he is in stable condition but cannot speak. Guess even God gets to the point sometimes of saying “STFU.”
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Reporters are pouring through tens of thousands of recently released Sarah Palin emails. Wonder how many of the fundraising ones begin “Dear friend, I am writing to you about an urgent matter of a confidential nature….”
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Former Trojans and current Seahawk coach Pete Carroll said that USC’s losing their 2004 was “unfortunate.” Although he added, the “most unfortunate thing … kids that were in junior high at the time, or in grade school, are paying the price for it.” Although Carroll didn’t suggest that NCAA actually punish the guilty – by say, levying serious fines on the coaches….
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Many viewers thought that “The Bachelorette’s” William’s jokes about insecure Ashley were the most ill-conceived and embarrassing standup routine of the year. But Tracy Morgan just took care of that.
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Most asked question these days in Washington, D.C., to iPhone customer service. “Uh, so is there a way to recall and delete texts and pictures?”
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Marc Ragovin’s take on my joke about British royalty:
Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Prince Phillip, just turned 90, making him the second-longest serving consort of a monarch in history, right behind Stedman Graham.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, USC jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 11, 2011
Most of Newt Gringrich’s campaign staff resigned yesterday. One of those rare instances of the crew leaving a sinking rat.
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The winner of a charity auction to have lunch with Warren Buffett, who spent over $2.6 million on his bid, will get several hours of investment advice from Buffett. Starting with – “Don’t spend $2.6 million to have lunch with anyone.”
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A Miami tv station caught Dwyane Wade and Lebron James making fun of Dirk Nowitzki’s sinus infection before game 5. After practice, the two smirked and pretended to cough and wheeze, “Whoa, did y’all hear me cough? I think I’m sick,” Wade said before turning toward James and chuckling. It’s that kind of classy behavior that has made the Heat so beloved across America.
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Congratulations to Prince Philip, husband of Queen Elizabeth II, on his 90th birthday. Philip is now the longest serving consort of a monarch in British history. Outlasting all of Henry VIII’s wives combined.
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The Mavericks and Heat don’t play game six until Sunday at 9p eastern, so even with practices the players should have been able to kick back and relax on Friday and Saturday nights. For Lebron, it should be just like an average fourth quarter.
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San Francisco Giants are in first place, and won tonight 3-2, despite an almost comical lack of offense. They may not repeat as World Series Champions, but the Giants have an almost certain lock on being named the official baseball team of Major League Soccer.
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The New York Yankees’ star relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain has undergone Tommy John surgery and will be out of the season. For many teams, this would be devastating. For the Yankees, it’s kind of like a really rich woman breaking a Manolo Blanhik shoe heel. Sad, but it’s time for some expensive shopping.
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Congressman (for now) Weiner wrote a handwritten note to his neighbors: “Please forgive the inconvenience of all the press outside. I am sorry for all I have done that has now impacted you. Hopefully it will soon pass. Anthony” If he’d only done handwritten notes in the first place, there might not be all those press outside.
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Hillary Clinton is still trying to retire her 2008 presidential campaign debt. So she is raffling off the chance for supporters to have a date for a day in New York with Bill. Responded Anthony Weiner “Hey, I’d have done it for nothing.”
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And here’s some fun for anyone reading this and bored on the weekend – What historical event do we want an interviewer to ask Sarah Palin about next?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Gingrich jokes, Heat jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 7 Comments
June 10, 2011
Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager and many senior staff for his presidential campaign have resigned. Said Rick Tyler, the former press spokesman “The team that left had a different idea of what it would take to win.” Namely, as they probably realized, a different candidate.
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Miami fans who celebrated upon hearing that Lebron was “taking his talents to South Beach,” may not have thought of one thing. That James might leave his talents in Florida when travelling to road games in the playoffs.
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The U.S. State Department denied rumors that Hillary Clinton has been approached about taking over as head of the World Bank.
Well, if she did, at least the maids would be safe.
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Terrelle Pryor says he is not interested in the Canadian Football League, and is definitely focused on the NFL supplemental draft. Makes sense, with an average CFL salary of under $100,000, Pryor would be taking a paycut from OSU.
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Cam Newton and the rest Auburn’s national champion football team got their White House visit and photo op with the President yesterday. When the NCAA takes away the Tigers’ title in a few years, will they delete the pictures?
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Tennessee Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt arrested for a second time in New Jersey, just a day after appearing in court for an April arrest on traffic charges. Guess Ray Lewis was right about that increase in crime if the NFL lockout didn’t get settled.
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How offensively challenged have the World Champion San Francisco Giants been lately? Mario Mendova, were he still active, could bat cleanup.
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An aide says that while it is too early to tell, Gabrielle Giffords may not be able to return to Congress because she still struggles to find words and put together sentences. Congress? Sounds she’s already recovered enough to run for President.
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Meanwhile, Sarah Palin has said that she hopes to meet with Margaret Thatcher when she stops in London on the way to a conference in India this summer. This response from a Thatcher friend was quoted in the U.K. Guardian “Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts.’
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And yes, we’re not done with Weiner jokes. (Nor will be ever be, if he doesn’t shut up…)
Anthony Weiner apparently called Bill Clinton to talk about his “situation.” No word on the conversation, although one rumored comment was “Dude, come on. At least a dress can be drycleaned.”
Augie says, has there ever been a Brat worst than Weiner?
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Speaking of unfortunate names, there has been no scandal about him, but a candidate for leader of the Labour Party in Britain is Ed Balls.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Gingrich jokes, Janice Hough, Lebron jokes, Newt jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
June 9, 2011
How bad are the Mets on-field and financial woes? To increase attendance and revenue simultaneously, rumor has it the team is considering offering free beer. But then charging $20 for pay toilets.
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It’s really hard to win the airline division of the “stupidest public relations mistake of the year.” But Delta is, in charging returning servicemen from Afghanistan $2800 for extra bags, is clearly now the frontrunner.
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What happened to Vancouver in the last two games of the Stanley Cup playoffs? Eight goals in game three, four goals so far in game four. Roberto Luongo’s goal tending has had more holes than Anthony Weiner’s stories.
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But really, could Anthony Weiner have made his choices any worse lately? Other than proclaiming his innocence last week in a one-hour ESPN special?
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It turns out even if he doesn’t resign, Anthony Weiner’s congressional district may be eliminated in next year’s redistricting. Could be the most appropriate Weiner cut since Lorena Bobbitt.
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Now it turns out that Anthony Weiner’s wife is pregnant. If it’s a girl will they name her Minnie Cocktail Weiner?
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CNN is reporting that Anthony Weiner’s colleagues are telling him he should resign “to preserve his own dignity.” To mix metaphors, I believe this might be a case of locking the barn door after the weiner is out.
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The NFL is apparently making contingency plans for an eight game season. Which means the Detroit Lions 2011 slogan might be “Nasty, brutal and short.”
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So the latest on embattled and now former OSU quarterback Terrelle Pryor is that he will play a year in the UFL. Wait until Pryor discovers they won’t be lining up to pay big bucks for him to sign memorabilia for the Las Vegas Locomotives or Florida Tuskers.
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Ann Coulter was a guest on “the View” today. Guess it’s part of the show’s new policy to try to include more male guests.
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Lady Gaga’s latest record “Born This Way” will now be available in Lebanon, despite earlier rumors that the album had been banned for being offensive to Christianity. Apparently the Lebanese government decided that Lady Gaga was offensive to most organized religions equally.
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Presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty says the government shouldn’t have any organizations or services that overlap with the private sector.
And yes, this is the same Pawlenty who pushed hard for using almost $400 million in public funds, (sales tax) to fund the construction of Target Field, the new Minnesota Twins stadium. Ah, priorities.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Ann Coulter jokes, Heat jokes, Lady Gaga jokes, Lebron jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 8, 2011
Rooting for a Mark Cuban owned team from Texas? It’s a tough job, but the Heat have made sure that a lot of somebodies have to do it.
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More pictures of junk tweeted around Tuesday night. Not Anthony Weiner again, thank gawd. Just videos of Lebron James’s play in Game 4.
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Meanwhile, what are the chances of Anthony Weiner ending up on SNL? I smell a potential remake of “D*** in a Box.”
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As far as politics, however, what can Anthony Weiner possibly do next? Except say “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” And then run for President.
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Okay, now I feel old. The Detroit Tigers selected, in the 26th round, Colin Kaline. Not Al’s son. His GRANDSON.
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Nationals prospect Bryce Harper, 18, blew a kiss to the opposing pitcher in Single A after hitting a home run. If Harper had done that to Nolan Ryan, we’d be discussing plans for his funeral.
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Is anyone remotely surprised? Terrelle Pryor, already suspended five games over memorabilia sales before the car allegations came out, has announced he will not return to Ohio State and will enter the supplemental draft. Only thing, even if the lockout ends, sounds like to join the NFL Pryor may have to take a pay cut.
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But let’s see, Pryor made his money, got loaner cars, freebies all around town, and apparently the stories are now that he made up to $1000 a session for signing memorabilia. Oh yeah, and he played in three major BCS bowls. As to his suspension, he’s leaving OSU before he serves a minute of it.
Yeah, for others thinking of breaking the rules, let this serve as a warning
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At a state dinner Tuesday night, German Chancellor Angela Merkel received receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama. But fortunately no neckrub.
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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: Libyan President Moammar Khadafy vows that he will not leave his palace. That’s a smart move. Just announce to Seal Team 6 that you’re waiting at home.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Anthony Weiner jokes, Lebron jokes, Miami Heat jokes, Ohio State jokes, OSU jokes, Terrelle Pryor jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 7, 2011
Sarah Palin says Paul Revere warned the British, Anthony Weiner thinks he can get away with a Twitter hacking story when it’s his “junk.” Somewhere in outer space aliens are reporting “Sorry leader, there’s no intelligent life on that Earth planet.”
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Well, there are at least 25 men in New York who are happy today. Because the most embarrassing story in the state is no longer the Mets.
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Quote today from Anthony Weiner “This was a dumb thing to do.” Might have been the closest thing to a smart statement he’s made lately. (Although, “dumb thing?” Singular? Really?)
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Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement? I think most Americans would wholeheartedly agree that it’s a very good thing that camera phones and twitter were not around when Bill Clinton was in the White House.
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Mark Jackson, the new Golden State Warriors coach, has no previous head coaching experience, but is an ordained minister at a church in Southern California. Makes sense, to coach the Warriors, plenty of prayer will definitely be required.
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Open note to all aspiring politicians: Love and lust may fade – but emails and pictures are forever.
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Mitt Romney said tonight on CNN’s “Piers Morgan Tonight” that having Sarah Palin showing up on the same day as he did in New Hampshire “really didn’t ruin my day. In a lot of respects it’s the best thing that could happen to me.”
Standby for Mitt’s newest campaign button: “Mormon > moron”
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This one is tacky. USC was stripped of their 2004 national football title today. So can we say that like John Edwards, this was a Trojan epic fail?
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Plaxico Burress was released from jail Monday. His agent, Drew Rosenhaus, said, “I think he’s learned an awful lot.” For starters, always have someone in your posse carry your gun.
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Apparently Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez are no longer dating. Actually, it’s amazing that Cameron lasted in the love triangle as long as she did….it’s got to be hard to compete with that special relationship between A-Rod and his mirror.
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Andy Petitte was asked in an ESPN interview if he will pitch again for the Yankees, and responded that he didn’t think so:
“The only thing that would make me pitch again is if I felt this season was over and I felt that I needed to pray and really consider making a decision about changing what I’m doing right now. If I missed it so much and I felt in my heart like that was the thing I need to do, I would try to start thinking about it and start considering it again.”
“Dude, how about a simple yes or no,” commented Brett Favre.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Anthony Weiner jokes, Mark Jackson jokes, Palin jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 6, 2011
Apparently plea bargain negotiations broke down with John Edwards over prosecutors’ insistence that the former Senator serve some jail time. Edwards apparently wanted “minimal” impact on Emma, 10, and Jack, 12, his “youngest kids.” Uh, John, if they WERE your youngest kids, you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.
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Chicago pitcher, Carlos Zambrano, frustrated after another late inning loss, said of the Cubs, that it was embarrassing – “We are playing like a Triple-A team. ”
There were immediate calls for apologies. From several Triple-A teams.
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Now ex-Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel told people at a rally on his front doorstep that he would “always be a Buckeye,” and that regarding Michigan “Nov. 26th we’re going to kick their ass!” Wonder if he told his former players they could take that to the bank.
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Rick Reilly wrote a column for ESPN on 20 reasons to root for the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA finals. Actually, most Americans just need one reason – they aren’t the Miami Heat.
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Plaxico Burress will get out of jail Monday after serving 20 months for carrying and firing an illegal gun (at himself, as it turned out) in Manhattan. Rumor has it if the lockout is settled that Burress may end up with Philadelphia. If so, wonder if the Eagles will be sponsored by Aladdin Bail Bonds.
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Apparently Plaxico says he has learned his lesson. For starters, someone else in your posse should always carry your gun.
Two 92 year old identical twins, who became friars and lived their entire lives together, died within hours of each other of heart failure. Guess the friars were just tuckered out.
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Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer just finished a four hour French open finals. “Amateurs,” commented John Isner and Nicolas Mahut.
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Jon Stewart’s self-described “fake” news show, is now getting better television ratings than Fox News’s regular shows. Is this a great country or what?
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Apparently if the NFL lockout is settled, Alex Smith will be the San Francisco 49ers’ 2011 quarterback. Looks like Jim Harbaugh is serious about trying to draft Andrew Luck in 2012.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, John Edwards jokes, Plaxico Burress jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 5, 2011
And no, for American non-hockey fan readers, that is not the latest Twitter scandal..
The Vancouver Canucks scored to win game two only 11 seconds into overtime. For many women who are Boston Bruins fans it was the most disappointing 11 seconds since their wedding night.
The sentimental star of game two, in Vancouver, was center Manny Malhotra, who returned to the Canucks lineup in over two months, since he took a puck to the eye.
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Although Malhotra didn’t score he no doubt fired up the team. And it was something that Boston fans should have learned by now -bad things happen when it’s just an example of “Manny being Manny.”
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As Anthony Weiner digs himself deeper with every statement, one politician has found a silver lining in this mess. Because the Democrat who most fellow party members wish would just SHUT UP is no longer Joe Biden.
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2-1 loss to the Rockies today. SF Giants appear to be literally a hot hitting team this year. They were hitting fine with temperatures in the mid to high 80s in St. Louis, so that should be no problem as we approach summer in SF…… Uh, never mind.
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The Red Sox beat the As 9-8 in 14 innings, after Jason Varitek and Jonathan Papelbon were both ejected in the ninth after getting into it with plate umpire Tony Randazzo. (Papelbon will probably be suspended for making contact with Randazzo) Looks like Boston fans turned on a baseball game and a hockey game broke out.
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Li Na today became the first Chinese player to win a tennis grand slam event when she won the French Open. Wonder how she chose tennis over the more popular ping pong in China? Maybe because in table tennis you can’t jump the net to congratulate your opponent.
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A man was arrested in Orange County for alleged an DUI after his car jumped a curb, crashed through a chain-link fence and struck a small plane at John Wayne Airport. Wonder if the guy was a pilot in a hurry because he was late for his flight…
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John Edwards is basically saying “Hush money is not a campaign contribution.” Jeez, makes “I did not have sex with that woman” look almost statesmanlike.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Edwards jokes., NHL jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 4, 2011
Fanned by San Franciscos GM Brian Sabean, the controversy continues over the Scott Cousins-Buster Posey collision at home plate. But had Cousins only knocked over Tejada at third, and put Miguel out for the year, Giants fans would be buying Scott drinks.
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Over the objections of the SEC football coaches, the conference’s school presidents and chancellors voted Friday to reduce the annual signing classes in football to 25 from 28. SEC players were incensed, saying that’s cutting recruits by 1/3.
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With all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s and John Edward’s illegitimate children, why does everyone use the term “love child?” Wouldn’t “lust child” be more appropriate?
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The indictment against John Edwards said he spent $925,000 to keep his love child under cover. Jeez, and some people think Planned Parenthood is expensive.
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The Gores are divorced, John Edwards has been indicted, Trump and Gingrich are on their third wives… Who’d a thunk one of the better political marriages of our time might belong to the Clintons?
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Joe Montana’s son Nate, 21, who was arrested last year for underage drinking, has now been arrested for DUI in Missoula, where he plays college football. Joe may have hoped his son would end up with the SF 49ers, but these days looks like Nate is heading towards the Cincinnati Bengals.
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Terrelle Pryor’s godfather and legal guardian told SI that he believes the embattled quarterback will finish his career at Ohio State. Uh, considering the allegations, it might be possible that Pryor HAS finished his career at Ohio State.
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Losing sympathy fast for NBC with the NHL finals. With three days between games even casual fans who were getting the hang of it will forget what icing, offside, etc mean….
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Semi-literary detour: R.I.P Josephine Hart, 69, a British poet and novelist died of cancer this week. Americans may know her best from the novel/movie “Damage.” With one of the better lines in a work of fiction ever written “”Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.”
Gary Morton on “Weiner-gate” Speaking of Weiners, I’m sure Anthony’s getting no sympathy from John Boehner about the pronunciation of his name.
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But really, is Weiner ever going to shut up and stop digging himself deeper into a whole? Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, give it up already.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: John Edwards jokes, SF Giants jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 