Author Archive
September 22, 2012
Iowa lost today to Central Michigan in football? Once again, proof you can choke on a cupcake.
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Melky Cabrera disqualified himself from the 2012 batting title, because he didn’t want to win a tainted award. Now, I think he did the right thing here, but did Melky want to win the title? Absolutely. He just didn’t want anyone to know it was tainted.
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So Alex Smith nearly gets fined for wearing an Giants cap, Giants manager Bruce Bochy wears a 49ers cap Nice mutual support from SF professional sports teams. Does this mean LA Dodgers manager Don Mattingly next will be sporting a USC cap?
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Love this headline about Pawlenty’s resignation: “Tim Pawlenty Quits Romney Campaign for ‘Sexy’ New Lobbying Job” This may be the only time “Pawlenty” and “Sexy” have been used in the same sentence.
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As the lockout continues the NHL has now cancelled the preseason. Surprising many Americans who didn’t realize the NHL HAD a preseason.
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The White House issued a report saying that customer service has improved at US Customs. Either that or customs is just looking really good by comparison to TSA.
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Fortunately no one was injured after an electrical fire on Ann Romney’s campaign plane filled the cabin with smoke. But it was scary. Next flight some Secret Service folks have offered to ride with the dog on the roof.
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President Obama, a long-time Chicago fan, said today he is ‘‘looking forward to a White Sox-Nationals World Series.’’ Romney will respond as soon as his staff reminds him what teams his friends own.
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From my funny (and frustrated) New York friend Marc Ragovin: “The Franklin Mint has just announced they are issuing rare gold coins commemorating each of the Mets four post-all star game home wins.”
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According to the Gainesville (FL) Sun, Herman Cain said today he would have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he had been chosen as the Republican nominee instead of Mitt Romney. I believe the correct response is in German “Nein, nein, nein.”
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Wow. SF Giants’ Pablo Sandoval has hit four home runs in three days, after no home runs since July. Is it time to check for Panda Enhancing Drugs?
Florida senator Marco Rubio has been tweeting his displeasure with commercial airline flight delays. “Sounds really annoying,” responded Mitt Romney. “What’s a commercial airline flight?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 20, 2012
You’re already too late to get in line for the new iPhone 5. Although the iPhone 4S is not even a year old. Wonder how many people who stayed up all night kept hearing Siri say “You idiot, go home to sleep”
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A spat between two female flight attendants on an American Eagle flight at JFK got so heated the pilots decided to return to the gate for a new crew. For future, wonder if the airline is considering rescheduling the women, adding onboard mud and charging for inflight entertainment.
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Ann Romney today fired back at the media and critics of her husband: “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.” Nothing personal against Ann, but what does she think being in the White House would be like?
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So have to wonder, if Matt Kemp had been suspended last month, would the Dodgers be leading the NL West?
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Bruce Springsteen has purchased an Olympic gold medal winning horse for this daughter. Does this mean “the Boss” is thinking of running for office?
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The first college football playoff hasn’t even started and commissioners are considering adding another game to be part of the semifinal rotation. Translation, the SEC wants more guaranteed games.
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This bus to hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach. “A California man is being accused of murdering his wife by slow cooking her. His attorney says the charges are a crock.”
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Wal-mart says they are phasing out the sale of Kindles. Guess it’s hard when your target customers don’t read.
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New Arkansas coach John L. Smith has filed for bankruptcy, declaring $25.7 million in debt. $25.7 million?!! So after coaching is Smith considering a run for Congress?
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Mitt Romney attacked President Obama’s saying he has learned “you can’t change Washington from inside, only from the outside.” Saying HE will fix it from the inside. Of course someone in 2007 said, “I don’t think you change Washington from the inside. I think you change it from the outside.” Yep. Romney, campaigning against John McCain.
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Florida Atlantic DE Carl Pelini says of their games this week with Alabama, that the Tide “ain’t what people think,” and “can be beat.” Sounds like what some of the cockier Christians said about the Lions.
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To show his support for Alex Smith, SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy has now been photographed wearing a SF 49ers cap. Out of habit, the NFL tried to fine him too.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, iPhone jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 19, 2012
Leaving politics aside, is this ESPN headline a sign of the apocalypse? “Nationals inch closer to clinching postseason spot.”
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Mitt Romney says that “Letterman hates me because I’ve been on Leno more than him. Letterman’s response “I don’t hate Mitt.” Well of course, how can you hate someone who gives you so much material?
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The Cincinnati Reds magic number is down to three. Of course for many Ohioans, the real magic number is 47. The number of days until they don’t have to see election ads on television 24/7.
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PED’s, brain injuries, arrests…. good to know that the NFL is on top of the important things – like fining the 49ers’ Alex Smith $15,000 for wearing an SF Giants cap to a post-game news conference. (Really. Although they later did change the fine to a warning.)
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Meanwhile this from comedy writer friend Torben Rolfsen, after Falcons RB Michael Turner was charged with DUI just hours after Monday night’s win: “He must have been really out of it, because he asked if a replacement official could administer the sobriety test.”
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The Big East, with teams ranging from Rutgers to San Diego State, is considering adding a 14th team. Wonder if Hawaii is available?
(my friend Tony L. suggests “Singapore. Then they can be the “Big Far East.”)
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Todd Akin’s campaign site today urged his female supporters to sign a pledge saying “I’m a women, and I support Todd.” (I guess spelling is another of those wacky liberal concepts.)
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Bumpersticker idea for the day: “One of the 53%. And still voting for Obama.”
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Chick-Fil-A has announced they will stop giving money to anti-gay groups. This either means the chain has decided to embrace tolerance, or their recent sales are down.
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Lindsay Lohan has been charged with leaving the scene of an accident after allegedly hitting a pedestrian at 1230a in Manhattan last night. It’s all part of America’s celebrity “50 strikes and you’re out” program.
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Interesting, while Mitt’s trying to demonize the 47%, a Seattle Times article talks about the biggest employer in town (no, not Microsoft) – Boeing. In 2011, for the fourth straight year, the company had no net income-tax, despite $5.1 billion in profits.
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Paul Ryan’s said Mitt Romney’s comments on the 47% were “obviously inarticulate.” How come, and this is a bipartisan question, politicians always say their own stupid comments were just badly phrased but their opponents’ mistakes reveal their true feelings?.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 47 percent jokes, Janice Hough, Nationals jokes, replacement referee jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
September 19, 2012
So it’s all about the Romney video. But really, there’s hasn’t been so much talk about 47% since, well, last Thursday and Jay Cutler’s completion rate.
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(And btw, since there are no ads, no taxes are paid from the writing of this blog.)
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Mitt Romney just dissed Americans who see themselves as “victims.” So much for that all important Cubs’ fan vote.
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SF Giants are in great shape. But for all those making playoff plans, I give you: the 2011 Atlanta Braves – 8 1⁄2-game lead wild card lead Sept 1. 2011 Boston Red Sox – 9-game wild card lead on Sept 3. Some chickens are better left uncounted.
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Right about now would be a good time for Mitt Romney to prove to the world that he has always paid U.S income tax. If he has always paid U.S. income tax……
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Just wondering, if Tampa Bay’s attempt to rush the NY Giants’ huddle during their end of game kneel-down had resulted in a fumble, how many teams would try it next week?
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The San Jose Spartans received one 25th place vote in this week’s USA Today-Coaches college football poll. Well, they did come closer to beating Stanford than USC.
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NFL teams are furious with the replacement refs. They can’t wait to get back to being furious with the regular officials.
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The New York Jets lwere scoreless in the last 40 minutes of their loss to the Steelers, Peyton Manning threw three interceptions in a quarter in a loss to the Falcons. Wonder whose fans were screaming louder for Tim Tebow?
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USC Matt Barkley said today he’s glad coach Lane Kiffin publicly critiqued his play last weekend against Stanford. Is this the college football equivalent of “Stockholm Syndrome?”
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Kate Middleton may be getting the international headlines, but Mitt Romney also is learning – even when you think you have privacy, don’t expose yourself.
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The world is pretty divided on this Kate Middleton topless picture scandal. Some women think the media went too far, some think Kate should get over it and keep her top on in future, and men just want to see similar pictures of Pippa.
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Some are now talking Ryan Braun for the NL MVP if the Brewers make the playoffs. If so, got to love it, the All-Star MVP busted for PEDs and the potential repeat MVP winner playing only because his suspension was overturned on a technicality. Way to clean up the game, Bud Selig.
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PC overload time. A Rhode Island school district banned father-daughter dances and mother-son ballgames on gender discrimination charges. Who do they think they are – San Francisco?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 47 percent jokes, 47% jokes, Cutler jokes, Jets jokes, replacement referee jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
September 18, 2012
Friends of Amanda Bynes are reportedly worried about her, one told TMZ he saw her on several occasions having long conversations with inanimate objects. But maybe Amanda’s fine, she’s just auditioning for a part in the next Clint Eastwood movie?
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The author of “50 Shades of Gray,” E.L. James, who has 15 and 17 year old boys, says the books are her “fantasies writ large.” And you think your mother was embarrassing when you were a teenager…
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USC coach Lane Kiffin said that Matt Barkley made two “really poor decisions” in the Stanford game, but also that the offensive line “did have the most missed assignments we ever had anywhere we’ve been.” Way to have your team’s back, Lane.
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President Obama will appear on the Kansas ballot after a state board ended its birth certificate probe. Not because of evidence, but because the “birther” dropped his suit, saying he had been threatened. Kind of makes you see why the state doesn’t teach evolution.
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Blue Jays shortstop Yunel Escobar apparently wore eye black during a game against the Red Sox with a gay slur spelled out on it. MLB is looking into the incident . If Escobar doesn’t get fined for the slur, he should be fined for being stupid enough to put it in writing.
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Classes were evacuated at LSU due to a bomb threat. Fortunately, that didn’t affect any of the football players.
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A librarian claims she lost 76 pounds in two years by only eating at Starbucks. Makes sense, how many calories could she afford?
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Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine, regarding his “weakest roster in the history of baseball” comment, now says “that wasn’t meant to be a criticism of any players or anything in the organization.” I think I like “was pushed into a lifeboat” better.
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What is it about men from Massachusetts running campaigns for President (who aren’t named Kennedy)? – Mitt Romney at a private fundraiser: “There are 47 % who will vote for the president no matter what, who are dependent on govt no matter what, that they are victims, who believe that govt. has the responsibility to care for them. Who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing….”
(way to go after that Florida senior vote.)
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More about comment on the 47% percent of Americans who pay no federal income tax – “I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” Wonder how many in that category are rich folks with REALLY good accountants and offshore accounts?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bobby Valentine jokes, Clint Eastwood jokes, Janice Hough, Lane Kiffin jokes, LSU jokes, Romney leak jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 17, 2012
Wonder how many viewers tuned into tonight’s 49er-Lions game and were secretly disappointed by the relative lack of violence? Especially between the Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz.
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Jim Harbaugh tonight borrowed Molly Ivins’ line about Ann Richards to praise his QB Alex Smith, saying he was “tougher than a two-dollar steak.” And a Golden Corral Restaurants spokesman said, “Hey, what did we ever do to you?”
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Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says he will go to court to force teachers back to work. Which means either he thinks the union has gone too far, or he realizes children don’t vote.
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Have to wonder if the Cowboys will feel the same sense of urgency this week in signing that long term contract with Tony Romo?
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The Patriots fell at home to the Arizona Cardinals. Frustrated New England fans are wondering if they can blame it on Bobby Valentine?
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Dwight Howard in an ESPN interview to air tonight” That’s one of the lessons that I learned, you know. I can’t make everybody happy.” Here’s a hint, Dwight, if you can’t make up your mind, you don’t make anyone happy.
(Even Lebron James is saying, “Hey, bro, at least I made a decision.”)
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Reggie Bush had such a good day, wonder if we should expect Kim Kardashian to reconsider?
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A new study has 7 signs of being a “shopaholic,” One supposed sign “You experience a rush of excitement when you buy.” Of course there’s a name for people like that, they’re called “women.”
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“I am not a witch” Christine O’Donnell, is considering another run for Senate in 2014, saying “I think I owe that to my supporters.” Not to mention the nation’s struggling comedy writers.
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Love these “bombshells.” The National Enquirer has a headline story about Malia and Sasha’s private school, saying 71% of students said they have attended parties where drugs or alcohol available. Wow. Would guess in most high schools it’s closer to 100%. (And wonder if that counted their parents’ parties.
(as a friend says, well, that means 29% percent of the kids have already learned how to lie.)
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Stanford’s number 9?! Okay, not too bad after barely beating San Jose State and beating that other California team by a touchdown.
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My favorite statistic from last night’s Stanford-USC game: As the clock ran out in the first half with the Cardinal protecting against a Hail Mary, Curtis McNeal ran for 30 yards. Without that the Trojans would have been in minus numbers for net rushing.
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Netanyahu said today that the U.S. must establish a clear “red line” that Iran cannot cross with its nuclear program if it wants to avoid war. Sometimes I wonder, does the PM realize Americans are not electing a President of Israel?
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Another statement on Libya: “This is a time when we all should reflect on those who continue to give, even the last measure, of service and sacrifice, to promoting and defending America’s interests abroad. This is above all a reminder that politics should end at the water’s edge.” From Jon Huntsman, proving again why he was too sane to make it through the GOP primary.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, Jim Harbaugh jokes, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes, shopping jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 16, 2012
Is it really an upset when a college team defeats another for the fourth year in a row? Just asking?
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Wonder if Lane Kiffin has already started looking for his next opportunity to underachieve?
My son heard this from Erin Andrews post-game on ESPN – “Stanford students are really smart but they won’t be going to class tomorrow after celebrating all night…” You can’t put anything past those University of Florida graduates.
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Wonder if USC can take solace is that Stanford only beat the Trojans by four points more than they beat San Jose State.
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Meanwhile the MVP for Ohio State today may be Cal’s field goal kicker.
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Question of the night. What was more unlikely? Stanford beating USC tonight? Or the SF Giants being 8-0 in Barry Zito’s last eight starts?
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No comment: Rick Santorum at a Values Voter Summit today – “We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”
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Now Italian and Irish magazines announce plans to print those topless pictures of Kate. In the U.S., women think “This is outrageous,” men think “When can we see them?”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Lane Kiffin jokes, Rick Santorum, Stanford jokes, Stanford upset, USC jokes, USC upset
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 15, 2012
Bobby Valentine, on the Red Sox – “This is the weakest roster we’ve ever had in September in the history of baseball.” Yeah, he’s got his team’s back – with a sharp knife in it.
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Kentucky has a new $7 million dorm for men’s basketball, with all singles and a private chef, along with flat screen televisions, pool tables and leather recliners. It’s almost enough to make the players wish they were staying more than a year.
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Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein said today that rebuilding the team “won’t happen overnight” and that 2013 may also be tough. Undaunted, die-hard Cubs fans immediately put on t-shirts saying “Wait until the year after next year.”
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Mitt Romney on pop culture: “I’m kind of a Snooki fan. Look how tiny she’s gotten. She’s lost weight.” Uh, Mitt does know Snooki’s no longer pregnant?
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Reading the media coverage, I am confused. So is there some football game before Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz meet up again on Sunday?
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Move over Arizona and Florida, we’ve got a new challenger for the crazy crown. In Kansas, the State Objections Board – composed of 3 GOP elected officials –has postponed until Monday a decision on removing President Obama from the state ballot over objections about his birth certificate.
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ESPN’s Andrew Stark says Buster Posey is now the favorite for the NL MVP. Shocking. ESPN knows anyone plays baseball well on the West Coast?!
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All this hubbub over the topless pictures of Kate. It could have been worse – the paper could have published pictures of Camilla.
David Price got his 18th win of 2012, improving to 7-3 against the Yankees. Unfazed, New York management feels confident that in a new years they will have Price’s free agency contract ready.
Mitt Romney, about his October 3 upcoming first debate with President Obama: “I think the challenge that I’ll have in the debate is that the president tends to, how shall I say it, to say things that aren’t true.”
As opposed to what Mitt himself says, which is true until he says something later.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, Obama birth certificate jokes, Red Sox jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 13, 2012
Wow. Jay Cutler’s performance tonight was enough to get Bears fans on their feet screaming for Rex Grossman.
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Not to say Chicago looked bad tonight, but Cubs fans sent sympathy notes.
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For the first time ever, visitors to Disney World’s Magic Kingdom will be able to have a beer or glass of wine with dinner at the new “Be Our Guest” restaurant opening in November. For a lot of tired parents, this really will make it Fantasyland.
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With today’s win, #81, the Orioles have guaranteed they will finish no lower than .500 for first time since 1997. The New York Yankees send their congratulations and suggest to keep the team healthy that Baltimore just shut everyone down for the rest of the season.
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The Wall Street Journal said that the new Nike Lebron Signature she would retail for $315. But they were wrong, it will only be $270. Well, heck, guess that means Nike thinks the average American can buy two pairs?
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Orioles beat Rays 3-2 in 14 innings. The game lasted almost 5 1/2 hours. Wow! That’s almost as long as an average Yankees-Red Sox game.
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Moving the Houston Astros to the AL was supposed to result in more reasonable travel schedules. So let’s see, the SF Giants’ longest 2013 roadtrips? LA-Colorado-Cincinnati, and LA-NY Mets and NY Yankees? Anyone in MLB offices look at a map?
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San Francisco Intl Airport (SFO) will close a main runway between 1000p Friday and 800a Monday for three weekends in September. Which will cause at least half the flights to be delayed, and the other half to be blamed on the closure.
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SI.com headline: “Reigning MLS MVP likely to miss rest of season.” “Bummer”, said most U.S. sports fans “Who is he, anyway?”
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Apparently potential Romney V.P. candidates had to give Mitt’s campaign 10 years of tax returns.
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The N.Y. Board of Health voted today to ban large sugary sodas in the city. Many read the news on the electronic ticker tape over the Times Square Hershey’s store.
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Dueling fundraising drives: Obama campaign offers donors a chance to spend an evening with Beyonce and Jay Z. Romney campaign counters with a chance to join “Mitt on board the campaign plane for an exciting day on the campaign trail — at 30,000 feet!
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Apparently a seagull swooped down and stole a camera right out of the hands of a tourist on a San Francisco beach. Hmm, wonder if the bird can be trained to go for cellphones in outdoor restaurants?
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A new report from the Global Commission on Elections, Democracy and Security, headed by Kofi Annan, says that US campaign rules, with “uncontrolled, undisclosed, illegal and opague” finance, have shaken public confidence in politics. How long until our elections get UN observers?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bears joke, Janice Hough, Jay Cutler jokes, New York jokes, Orioles jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 12, 2012
Bristol Palin’s baby daddy and his current girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, 20, have had a baby girl. Her name, no joke, “Breeze Beretta Johnston.” See, there are worse fates than to be born to Snooki.
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At a press conference today, Apple unveiled their iPhone 5, with “a taller Retina display, faster LTE speeds, and a newer smaller connector.” And millions of baby boomers said “I have no idea what any of that means.”
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Oops, the pretty picture of warships below U.S fighter jets the last night of the Democratic convention turned out to feature Russian ships, and the DNC has apologized. Stupid mistake. But it wasn’t caught by any politicians who are veterans. Of either party.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg. “In New Hampshire they renamed a pond called Jew Pond. Now it is called ‘Should It Kill You to Call Your Mother?’ Pond.”
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It’s a long nearly eight weeks to the election. But good news for folks on both sides – Jason Sudeikis, who does a great job with Romney and Biden, is returning to SNL.
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Notre Dame announced they will leave the Big East and join the ACC for all sports except football. Anyone else wish these universities would spend as much time worrying about tuition costs and academics as they do about what conferences they play in?
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A cat crawled unseen into a family’s suitcase and actually made it alive, as checked luggage, from Columbus, OH to Orlando FL. Wonder if the airline is trying how to retro-actively charge a pet fee?
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Another liberal voice weighing in on Libya? “I don’t feel that Mr. Romney has been doing himself any favors in the past few hours. Sometimes when really bad things happen, when hot things happen, cool words or no words is the way to go.”- Columnist Peggy Noonan.
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Budweiser is donating $5,000 for every SF Giants walk off win this year. Although recently they should be donating $5,000 for every time Jeffrey Affeldt comes in in relief – they sell more beer.
Mitt Romney, saying he really isn’t anti-taxing the rich ” I can tell that you people at the high end, high income taxpayers, are going to have fewer deductions and exemptions. Those numbers are going to come down, otherwise they’d get a tax break. And I want to make sure people understand, I am not reducing taxes on high-income taxpayers.”
Leaving aside the Biden-esque length of the awkward sentence, wonder if one of the exemptions Mitt wants to reduce would be offshore accounts?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: election jokes, iPhone jokes, Janice Hough, Levi johnson baby jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 12, 2012
You can’t make this stuff up: ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, and Fox all aired moments of silence at 8:48 a.m. today. NBC? They had Kardashian mom Kris Jennner talking about her breast implants.
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GoDaddy says yesterday’s major outage “was not a ‘hack”, but rather a “series of internal network events that corrupted router data tables.” Well, that ought to make users feel confident.
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Quote found by my friend David Lombardi from USC running back Silas Redd: “You have to have a little bit of a sense of urgency going into the conference, this is where you make your money.”
Well, at least he’s honest.
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Reds manager Dusty Baker said he is concerned about Aroldis Chapman’s recent drop in velocity, down to an average of 94.4 MPH on Monday. Upon hearing this Jamie Moyer and Barry Zito just sobbed.
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According to SI.com men’s basketball co-captains Kyle Casey and Brandyn Curry were both implicated in the recent Harvard cheating scandal. Wow, first the NCAA tournament, now cheating? Guess the Crimson program has really hit the big time.
(and in the “you cannot make this ‘stuff’ up” category – thanks to Rich for telling me this – the class where Casey, Curry and over 120 other students were caught cheating? “Introduction to Congress.”)
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What East Coast bias? ESPN.com has a headline talking about the Giants’ chances in the playoffs. Oops, it’s the NY Giants. After week ONE. Never mind.
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Yikes. After swearing off Twitter in May, Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has tweeted “I am. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.” Over-under on how long before he tweets something he has to apologize for?
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Americans were all thinking positive thoughts about New York on the anniversary of September 11. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take pleasure in a Yankees loss.
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The shocking dilemma of the year in Washington, D.C. Do sports fans on a budget put deposits down for post season tickets on the Nationals or the Orioles?
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Maybe SF Giants should let Madison Bumgarner skip a start and rest his arm. In the meantime he can bat third.
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Roger Clemens said he only wants to pitch for the Astros in 2012 if he can pitch against a “contender.” So he can “knock them right out of the playoffs” And Barry Bonds is thinking – “And they thought I had a big head?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, ESPN jokes, Harvard jokes, NBC jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 11, 2012
Congrats to Andy Murray for his U.S. Open win. Might be the closest thing we get to a top American male tennis player for a while. (Hey, at least he speaks more or less the same language.)
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AP headline: “Foul smell reported across Southern California.” Insert Los Angeles Dodgers joke below:
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From my Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein: “The Dodgers always play their best baseball when they aren’t even scheduled to play. Had day off, but picked up a half game on the Giants, Cardinals, and Braves, plus widened lead on the Pirates. They should just take the rest of the season off.”
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Asked about the upcoming Missouri Senate race, Todd Akin said “I’m totally in.” But is he LEGITIMATELY in?
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A TMZ report says that Kanye West so liked Kim Kardashian’s sex tape that he “has used it in the bedroom to get him in the mood with girls… and it always worked.” And some people think that gay relationships are ruining society.
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You get the sense Fox is just not that fond of the Left Coast. The headline on their video of Sunday’s record tying field goal – “Watch David Akers’ 63-yard FG against the 49ers.
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After all the talk about the national party platforms, how about this line from the Texas GOP platform? “We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs.” Maybe Rick Perry was right about secession.
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At New York’s September 11 memorial ceremony, only families of the victims will be allowed to speak, and all elected officials will be silent. Wonder who has the job of muzzling Rudy Guiliani?
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If anyone doesn’t mind a few profanities, okay a LOT of profanities, it might be worth a few minutes to read Vikings’ punter Chris Kluwe’s full response to that idiot Maryland legislator who was upset about a Ravens player defending gay marriage.
For a small sample, the line of the piece just might be that “I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.”
(this being America, wonder who has the “lustful cockmonster” t-shirt franchise?)
http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-magically-turn-you-into-a-lustful-cockmonster-chris-kluwe-explains-gay-marriage-to-the-politician-who-is-offended-by-an-nfl-player-supporting-it?tag=chris-kluwe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Los Angeles jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 10, 2012
USC QB Matt Barkley on the NCAA sanctions: “People thought we were going to be a broken program for years and years. The institution tried to crush us, and we came out victorious.” Can’t imagine how the Trojans get their reputation for arrogance.
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Joe Biden referred to today’s GOP as “a different breed of cat.” Prompting demands for an apology from cat owners.
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Mitt Romney said in a speech today, that “I will not take God out of the name of our platform” and “I will not take God off our coins.” Shocking, with his mega-millions, Romney has ever looked at an actual coin?
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Question of the day. Is RG3 that good? Or is the Saints defense that bad?
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Shocking state of the week in college football – there are almost as many Pac 12 teams (5) as there are SEC teams (6) in the top 25.
(although in case any football fans fear this is a sign of the apocalypse , some order has been restored – Alabama and LSU are 1-2.)
Mitt Romney said this morning on “Meet the Press” that he liked and would keep some parts of Obamacare. Then later today he told the National Review his positions on repealing it hadn’t changed. Wow. I could never even change my Etch a Sketch pictures THAT fast.
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The New York Yankees are furious over a questionable game-ending call that one NY paper said could cost them the AL East. Well, that and the fact that a team with a $197 million payroll now isn’t outplaying one with a payroll of $81 million.
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Arkansas 31, Louisiana-Monroe 34, in overtime. Gosh, I hope the SEC doesn’t use this as an excuse to lower academic standards to attract better athletes.
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Paul Ryan says that Obama has “gone to great lengths to make oil and gas more expensive.” Yep, the President will stop at nothing to get re-elected.
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So wonder how long it will take Paul Ryan to accuse Barack Obama of keeping unemployment artificially high?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Romney jokes, Ryan jokes, USC jokes
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September 8, 2012
Oregon State beats #13 Wisconsin 10-7. Is it too late to take back that bump in the polls Alabama got for crushing Michigan?
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Scary thought of the day: Barry Goldwater would be too liberal for today’s Republican party.
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Although the league now has teams in four different time zones, the Big East will keep its name due to “brand equity.” Makes at least as much sense as politicians on their second and third wives defending marriage.
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The Nationals shut down Stephen Strasburg a start early, with Davey Johnson saying “I feel it’s as hard for him as it would be anybody to get mentally, totally committed in the ballgame.” Uh, by that standard, shouldn’t we also shut down the Red Sox?
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Good news for anyone tired of this Presidential election. It’s less than two months until November 7. When the 2016 campaign starts.
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Vladimir Putin, in a recent interview touching on the “Pussy Riot” situation, commented that “Some fans of group sex say that it’s better than one-on-one because, as with any collective work, you can skive off.” In related news, Bill Clinton just asked President Obama about being named ambassador to Russia.
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Tim Tebow is dismissing Santonio Holmes’ comment about Mark Sanchez being “rattled” by the Jets trade for Tebow. Right. Like Hillary wouldn’t mind hearing now that Bill wanted to hire more interns.
On Friday, Mitt Romney was already criticizing President Obama’s speech, though he admits not watching it. Can’t imagine how some people think Mitt acts like an expert on things he knows nothing about.
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Really? A Maryland legislator and pastor, Emmett C. Burns Jr, is attacking Ravens LB Brendon Ayanbadejo for supporting gay marriage – “appalled and aghast that a member of the Ravens Football Team would step into this controversial divide and try to sway public opinion.” Uh, where were his complaints on Tim Tebow?
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Baltimore and New York are now tied for first place in the AL East. Undaunted, the Yankees are reportedly making plans to buy the Orioles.
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Five players from DeMatha Catholic High School in Hyattsville, Md have apparently been dismissed for hiring prostitutes during a recent road trip. What, no teachers were available?
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Mitt Romney’s campaign announced they have purchased $4.5 million in new television advertising in swing states. By the time this election is over, swing state viewers will look forward longingly to used car and Viagra ads again.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 3 Comments
September 7, 2012
Until the election. And television viewers in non-swing states can go back not to seeing political commercials. Those in Ohio, Florida, Virginia, North Carolina…..etc, will be longing for used car and fast food ads. If they aren’t already.
The conventions are over. Which means real fans of hot air have to go back to the Weather Channel.
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To combine phrases from Joe Biden and Barack Obama, these days a sentence for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan is “a noun, a verb, and a tax cut.”
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Bill Clinton was magic Thursday night. On the other hand, he reminds many women of a charismatic but narcissistic ex-boyfriend. You see him again after years and you remember why he was so dazzling. But if he were to stick around full-time you’d probably remember why you got tired of his act.
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While it was a great speech, Bill Clinton did forget to thank Barack Obama for his favorite first-term accomplishment – having Hillary on the road for 351 days already as of July, 2012.
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After John Kerry mentioned her in a speech, Sarah Palin said she was surprised he knew her name. Interesting comment from a politician whose PR machine rivals the Kardashians.
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Bobby Valentine said in an interview that his first season in Boston has been “miserable.” Not half as miserable as for Red Sox fans who’ve paid money to watch it.
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Details, details… A new GOP ad has a frustrated former Obama supporter saying how disappointed she is. Only issue, the woman actually works for the RNC. (A big deal? Maybe, maybe not, but can you imagine if a Dem ad used a staffer who claimed she used to be pro-Romney?)
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After a report saying that 40-60% of Oregon football players smoked pot, the University is implementing random drug testing of all athletes. Got to love it, suspensions from the team start with the THIRD offense.
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A new toll road near Austin, Texas, will have a speed limit of 85 mph. Wonder how fast people can text while driving it.
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Mitt Romney said he wasn’t going to watch President Obama’s speech. Makes a certain amount of sense, he already had his rebuttal ready.
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A serious thought – “We don’t believe government can solve all our problems, but we don’t believe government is the source of all our problems.” Nicely said, Mr. President.
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From Marc Ragovin: Art Modell has died. For those too young to know who he was, he was the white, Jewish, Lebron James.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Clinton jokes, Democratic convention jokes, Obama speech, President Obama
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September 6, 2012
Overlooked Bill Clinton comment on Barack Obama’s bipartisan talents: “He appointed Cabinet members who supported Hillary in the primaries — heck, he even appointed Hillary.”
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A thought about our 24/7 modern electronic era. Wonder if Bill Clinton would have ever been elected if he had the ability to send pictures and text from a phone?
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Who’d have thought a generation ago that the Democratic party would turn out to have the best Bubba?
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Bill Clinton is hardly a poster child for being a good husband. But all sarcasm aside, after speeches like tonight’s, it’s not hard to see why Hillary has stuck with him all these years. A deeply flawed but fascinating man.
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Amazing to watch how much Paul Ryan and others in the GOP now profess to admire Bill Clinton. This warm fuzzy talk will last exactly until November 7, when they start running against Hillary for 2016.
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There were rumors that the Red Sox had fired Bobby Valentine today. So far those rumors are false. And frustrated Red Sox fans are thinking – “Good, if we have to put up with this mess through the end of the year, so do you.”
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The way the Orioles and A’s are streaking, the New York Yankees could actually miss the playoffs. Quick, how fast can Bud Selig add a third wildcard?
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All this commotion starting with Paul Ryan being upset about the fact that the word “God” originally didn’t appear in the Democratic Party platform. … But hey, another document that doesn’t use the world God? The U.S. Constitution.
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From Mark Ricklis: “Maybe Ly’in Ryan ran the Marathon so fast because he was on that High Fibber diet”
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Ann Romney said today that they haven’t led a “charmed life”, and that with MS “I know what it is like to have no hope.” I’m glad Ann’s disease is in remission. But how can her husband, with the best family healthcare money can buy, now want to deny the basics to the average American?
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San Franciscans who are also baseball fans would like to take a break from politics to extend a hearty thank you to San Diego and the Padres.
(who for non-baseball fan readers, have won two in a row from the Los Angeles Dodgers.)
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bill Clinton jokes, convention jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 2 Comments
September 5, 2012
The Orioles are tied for first place with in ESPN’s words “the fading Yankees.” “Fading Yankees?” In a time of political discord could we come up with two words that get more bipartisan support?
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This just in – Bud Selig announces plans to expand playoffs further this year. How far? Just enough so that the Yankees are in the post-season. (Even Bud has given up on the Red Sox.)
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President Obama said he and the First Lady didn’t go out “schmoozing” much in the evening because they wanted to be home with their daughters. Although in a second term, BOTH girls hit the teenage years – Barack and Michelle may be out every night.
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Toughest job of the week at the Democratic convention – Joe Biden, trying to edit his speech down under Paul Ryan’s 2 hour 50 minute marathon time.
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Michelle Obama painted a great portrait of Barack as a husband and father tonight, as Ann Romney did with Mitt. But really, most Americans would take Darth Vader if he could fix the economy and healthcare.
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Paul Ryan now says he did not suggest President Obama was responsible for the GM plant closing before he took office. In Ryan’s defense, it’s easy to get tired and confused when you’re doing that Olympic marathon training.
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Amazed the GOP last week didn’t try to recast Neil Armstrong’s first words stepping out of the Lunar Module on the moon as “I built this.”
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Hank Williams Jr, declared again at a concert that “We’ve got a Muslim president.” Adding that Obama “hates cowboys, hates cowgirls, hates fishing, hates farming, loves gays, and we hate him!” Sigh. Proving again that people can change their religion, but being an a**hole is forever.
(Just wondering, what would Fox News do if some liberal gal singer accused Romney of being anti-Christian and said “we hate him?)
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This season USC opened at #1 in college football polls. A ranking that lasted one week until Alabama crushed Michigan. SEC fans are leaning back and thinking “Well, glad that little affirmation action charade is over.”-
“Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu, dismissed from the football team has nonetheless enrolled for classes at LSU this fall. Les Miles refuses to speculate on Matieu’s return to the field. I mean, this is all pretty shocking… a once and potentially future LSU football player going to classes?
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Love this Washington Post comment passed on by a friend from “Wheat Farmer.” : “Paul Ryan ran a sub 3 hour marathon?? He must be Kenyan. Check his birth certificate.”
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Regarding the Nationals’ decision to shut down Stephen Strasburg because they are looking to the future and what’s one year? Right, like when the Cubs lost the 1910 World Series, and their fans thought, well, heck, we won in 1908, we’ll be back….
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Apparently many people have been retweeting the news today of Bob Denver’s death. Wonder how long it will take them to add that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, convention jokes, marathon jokes, Paul Ryan jokes, Yankees jokes
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September 3, 2012
If the Paul Ryan marathon lie turns out to make a difference in the election it may be the first major political story broken by “Runner’s World.”
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The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce has denied Kim Kardiashian’s request for a star., saying receipients need “to have a career in the business of acting for five years or more.” And Kim is a bit deficient in both the career and the acting department.
Quote of the week? “He and his wife have been wealthy for a number of years, and so I think that’s really the issue. What does he understand about the common man right now?” Michele Bachmann, talking about President Obama.. (Yes, she said it.)
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Bobby Jindal and President Obama apparently had a perfectly civil visit today touring La Place, LA. Maybe that’s a reason Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as a running mate….he’s not a governor of a state that might need federal help from a natural disaster.
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Governor Jindal does hope to get an immediate commitment of federal funds from President Obama, so he can go back to railing about wasteful government spending as soon as possible.
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Mitt Romney’s Monday tweet. “Labor Day is a chance to celebrate the strong American work ethic, but too many Americans are worrying when their next paycheck will come.” No mention of labor unions? I’m shocked, shocked.
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From Gary M. ” Nittany Lions fans no longer shout, “We are, Penn State!” Now they’re shouting, “We are, State Penn!”
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Open note to Washington Nationals from SF Giants fans: Stephen Strasburg is scheduled for only two more starts, against the Cubs and Mets. Why not save the guy for a tougher opponent….for example a week later against the Dodgers?
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One reason the NCAA has been against a real football playoff system is that it would interfere with classes. Right, as opposed to things like Monday night college football?
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Britain’s Prince Andrew, 52, rappelled 239 metres down the side of London’s “The Shard,” this morning to raise money for charity. He went from the 87th to the 20th floor in 30 minutes. “Big deal,” said Paul Ryan, “I did it in 20.”
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, marathon jokes, Paul Ryan marathon, Ryan jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 2, 2012
A last thought for the week on the GOP convention. Clint Eastwood’s empty chair got more airtime than Ron Paul.
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Any truth to the rumor that Clint Eastwood was briefly detained on his return flight from Tampa for suspiciously talking to his airline seat?
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Unfortunate choice of words from a Penn State fullback about Saturday’s game: We “know the power football has to bring people together.”
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From Alex Kaseberg: “New Nike LeBron James shoes cost $300 and come with a built-in IQ test. If you paid $300 for these shoes, you failed.”
(got to wonder, does putting on the shoes give you a sudden desire to move to South Beach?)
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USC is being investigated again, this time for two athletes receiving gifts like cars and cars in 2009. Well, hey, with Barkley they may win the national championship and then who cares if the Trojans end up back on probation?
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Well, for all those folks who hated the LSU-Alabama game, I think it’s safe to say that we won’t have another Michigan-Alabama rematch in this year’s BCS championship.
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Mitt Romney said this weekend that Obama wants to cut a trillion dollars out of the military budget, but that he and Paul Ryan wouldn’t cut it at all. Guess it’s all part of Mitt’s secret plan to reduce the deficit?
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Mitt Romney making sports analogies about firing President Obama as a losing coach. Anyone but me want to hear someone – on camera – ask Romney who his favorite teams are?
Could be another ESPN special. “The Indecision.”
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Dwight Howard just took out an ad in the Orlando Sentinel saying “Words cannot express the love that I have for Orlando.” Most Magic fans could help him with a few words. A few of the printable ones are in “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”
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Reverend Sun Myung Moon, 92, died today. The two most common responses in the U.S. – “He was still alive?” And for the younger generation – “Who the heck was Reverend Moon?”
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Paul Ryan, who said last week he ran a “two hour and fifty-something” marathon, now admits his time for his one and only marathon was over 4 hours. Gosh, and who would have expected Ryan to stretch the truth?
(Wonder if people first got suspicious when Ryan claimed his running buddy was Chris Christie?)
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A 20 year old fan fell to his death from the upper level of the Georgia Dome, following a 25 year old’s death in Reliant Stadium from trying to slide down a 5th floor elevator escalator. Darwinists and lawyers must be very happy.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Eastwood jokes, GOP convention jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 3 Comments
September 1, 2012
So the GOP is done with their convention, and next week it’s the Democrats’ turn. Former President Bill Clinton is expected to play a large role this time around. Rumor has it he’s already volunteered to help the Secret Service with their advance scouting.
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Quote of the week?. “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts,” Some crazy Democrat? No, Karl Rove.
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In Texas, Allen High School has just opened $60 million double-decked stadium that seats 18,000 and features a 38 ft HD video screen. Wonder if it’s part of the school’s grand plan to apply to join the SEC?
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Meanwhile, not saying that #21 Stanford looked underwhelming in beating San Jose State 20-17. But the chair looked better against Clint Eastwood.
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Clint Eastwood was supposed to talk for five minutes. He talked for 11. Maybe the man Clint really should have been endorsing was Joe Biden.
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The happiest sentence at BCS headquarters this week – “Boise State is 0-1.”
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That “old retread” California Governor Jerry Brown, 74, said he ran 3 miles in 29 minutes this week. And challenged Chris Christie to a footrace. Now there’s a political contest I’d pay to see.
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Michigan star RB Fitzgerald Toussaint, arrested for DUI in July with .12 BAL, has been suspended for just 1 game after pleading guilty to a lesser charge. The charge – “operating a vehicle while visually impaired.” “While visually impaired?” And we thought some steroid excuses were creative.
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Mitt Romney was in Louisiana today, where the New Orleans levees so far have held. Wonder if someone warned Mitt it might not be best time or place to rail against what Government has built.
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Marco Rubio last night said that the GOP “chose more government instead of more freedom.” He apologized for the flub. But actually Rubio was being honest if you talk about marriage and women’s reproductive health….
From T.C. On 84 year-old Vin Scully, the voice of the Los Angeles Dodgers for the past 63 years, signing up for 2013. “That said, the Dodgers have listed him as day-to-day.”
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Despite just adding $262 million to their payroll, the Dodgers are 3-7 in their last ten games. l Not sure who first said money can’t buy happiness. But for right now Boston Red Sox and and SF Giants fans would beg to differ.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Akin jokes, Clint Eastwood jokes, convention jokes, Dodgers jokes, Isaac jokes, New Orleans jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 