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To tweet or not to tweet?

May 11, 2014

The Dolphins said they will “sit down” with player Don Jones after he tweeted a negative reaction when the Rams drafted Michael Sam. Okay, I get that people have feelings and prejudices. But how in this day and age is an NFL player stupid enough to put it out on social media?

 

 

How much trouble could be avoided with pro athletes if Twitter had an app saying “Would your mother approve of this tweet? #HappyMothersDay

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Apparently some people did have a problem with ESPN showing Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend. Maybe they were disappointed the network didn’t show A.J. McCarron kissing Katherine Webb?

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NFL players have the right to believe whatever they want about sex and sexual orientation. But can’t remember any of them making a negative public statement about a teammate who was accused of rape or domestic violence

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From Alex Kaseberg “Happy Mother’s Day. Today hundreds of NBA players look at their ringing phones and mutter; “I’m not gonna take this one.” #MothersDay

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Walgreen’s today had a large display of Mother’s Day bouquets for $9.99 by the cash register. Which presumably went perfectly with that card you forgot and also stopped into Walgreen’s to buy.

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Anyone who says baseball players aren’t manly men, I give you Aroldis Chapman, back on the mound less than 2 months after being struck in the face by one of his 100 mph fastballs lined back at him. And he got the save for the Reds.

 

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Wonder how many people turned off the Clippers game when the Thunder had a huge lead and the Dodgers-Giants game when Kershaw had a one-run lead?

 

#SFGIants. Until further notice, #Pablosandoval is only allowed to hit with a pink bat.

(Until today, this from Andrew Baggerly on Sandoval “He has come to bat with 86 runners on base and driven in four of them.”   The Panda drove in 2 with his pink bat.)

 

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Although original rumors said Shane Skov was going to the Oakland Raiders, Skov himself tweeted that he signed as an undrafted free agent with the 49ers instead. Makes sense, he IS from Stanford, the guy is supposed to be smart.

 

“Nashville” has been renewed by ABC.  Yes!  Yes! Yes!  #Guiltypleasures

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Sam I Ram.

May 10, 2014

Sign of progress, it seemed absolutely irrelevant today that Michael Sam’s boyfriend is white. #Thetimestheyareachanging #MichaelSa

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A thought about Michael Sam being drafted. Yeah, maybe some in the media are making too much of it. But changes don’t get to be small deals without the first ones being big deals.

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CNN commentator Margaret Hoover, on the Rams’ drafting Michael Sam, that she hopes the message will be for high school kids that “they don’t have to be afraid of choosing to be gay or choosing their dream in sportsmanship and professional sports.”   Just like Jackie Robinson helped kids not be afraid of choosing to be black.

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A.J. McCarron, who is now engaged to Katherine Webb, has been chosen in the NFL draft by Cincinnati. And Brent Musberger has already inquired about broadcasting Bengals games.

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Today is Mother’s Day. Or as they say in the NBA “So many women, so little time.”

 

–It may be “No Country for Old Men” but it sure is a Western Conference Semifinals for old men. #Spurs

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#SFGiants Pablo Sandoval has as much a chance of getting a hit w/ 2 strikes now as Donald Sterling does of getting another NAACP award.

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For the second time in 3 days, planes have hit birds at LaGuardia Airport. No injuries were reported. “Speak for yourselves,” say relatives of the birds.

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Elin Nordegren, speaking at her Rollins College graduation, mentioned that her divorce “was right after I had taken communication and the media… I probably should have taken more notes in that class.” Tiger is just glad Elin wasn’t taking lessons in how to swing a golf club.

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A South Carolina high school teacher has been accused of having sex with three different students in one day. Clearly these budget cutbacks have our educators stretched too thin.

 

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Headline “IndyCar Grand Prix of Indianapolis Marred by Huge Crash.” And a lot of casual racing fans are thinking “Marred?”

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The NBA apparently believes it can also remove Donald Sterling’s estranged wife Shelly from ownership of the Los Angeles Clippers. If private phone conversations are a problem, how much more slippery a slope is being married to an a**hole?

 

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Reefer and other madness?

May 10, 2014

Just wondering, if you are an NFL player and live in Colorado or Washington, shouldn’t you be able to follow the laws of your state during the offseason?

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Cleveland Browns WR Josh Gordon may be suspended for the season after failing a drug test, allegedly for marijuana . If true this would be Gordon’s FOURTH failed drug test. This ought to do wonders for the rumors that marijuana is bad for your memory…..

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Johnny Manziel‬ at least consoled himself when he was drafted by the ‪Cleveland Browns‬ that he would have the best WR in the game. Oops. .‪#‎JoshGordon‬

 

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The Cleveland Browns hope  #JohnnyFootball finally is their dream QB.   Or else a new generation of Cleveland fans will learn the term “mistake by the lake.”

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The D.A. assigned to the Justin Bieber egging case apparently wants to charge it as a felony. Sounds like a waste of taxpayer dollars, but one question, is a felony conviction enough to get him deported?

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After all the hoopla regarding the first round of the NFL Draft yesterday,  NFL fans had to wait for the second round until 8pm Friday night. They are dragging this thing out worse than the last minute of an NBA playoff game.

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The FAA said an American Airlines plane almost collided with a drone earlier this year. Standby for CNN to devote several hours to a possible new theory for MH370….

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The University of Oregon has announced three men’s basketball players involved in a sexual assault investigation have been dismissed from the program. Wonder how fast the now former Ducks can apply for the NBA draft?

 

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix was selected in the first round of the NFL draft by Green Bay. It had to be the Packers. Just guessing security for their away games may also include a sign censor.

 

–Shame that #Alabama and Ha Ha #ClintonDix never played #Stanford.The LSJUMB band would have had great fun before they ended up on probation.

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At this point all the #SFGiants need to make a run at another World Series title is one or two more Brandons.

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Mitt Romney today, “I part company with many of the conservatives in my party on the issue of the minimum wage. I think we ought to raise it.” What, now that Mitt is not running for President he’s allowed to make occasional sense? Wonder how long it will take him to support Romney-Obamacare.

 

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix was selected in the first round of the NFL draft by Green Bay. It had to be the Packers. Just guessing security for their away games may also include a sign censor.

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A judge struck down the Arkansas gay marriage ban. Great news, now residents of the state don’t have to be limited by gender when they marry a relative.

 

Story is that after the NFL draft, Johnny Manziel was partying until 5am in New York with women, shots and champagne. Wouldn’t it have been a bigger story if Manziel WASN’T partying until 5am with women, shots and champagne?

 

 

Police charged a woman with felony criminal mischief. Because she didn’t like the people living next door and allegedly tricked a contractor into bulldozing their mobile home. Back on your game, Florida.

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Do you feel a draft?

May 8, 2014

The NFL Draft coverage almost, repeat almost, made me feel sorry for Johnny Manziel.

 

And now the question of the night regarding Johnny Manziel. Is there anywhere to get into trouble in Cleveland?

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The Houston Texans drafted Jadeveon Clowney #1 Could be a good fit. Texas doesn’t really have a speed limit. #NFLDraft

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All these coaches and GMs post-draft.  “We got the player we valued/wanted…”  As if any of them will say “Actually the guy we really bleeping wanted was taken just before our pick but we did the best we could….

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From Bill Littlejohn   “Three players from Texas A&M were drafted in the first round.So Aggie recruiters should have plenty of salary cap room for the next class”

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A Seattle radio station will now start referring to the Santa Clara 49ers. Assume they will also refer to the East Rutherford Jets and Giants, and the Arlington Cowboys?

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Charles Krauthammer said climate change is a “superstition,” and dismissed the scientific consensus – “I’m not impressed by numbers.” Ah yeah, math, along with science, one of those commie pinko concepts.

(My friend Jon N. adds, “Unless he agrees with the numbers, in which case they’re irrefutable.)

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In the Single A Midwest League, the Burlington Bees were leading the Clinton LumberKings after five innings. Clinton won 20-17 in 12. On a brighter note assume some of those Burlington relievers have already been offered jobs in the Mets bullpen.

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Crooks are stupid item of the day: An Oregon bank robber was arrested after police traced him from the note he had written on the back of a grocery receipt, which had four digits of his food stamp account on it. Well, the guy will be off food stamps, but still living off government funds for a while…

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President Obama on a trip to Silicon Valley has one event at…. Walmart? Maybe it’s just a plot to make heads at Fox News explode.

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Lee Marshall, one of the voices of Tony the Tiger, has died at the age of 64. So assume somewhere near the pearly gates St. Peter is practicing his “GRRRR-EAT to see you?”

 

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A bill to require anti-theft “kill switches” on cellphones sold in California just passed the state Senate. Of course, a sure anti-theft precaution remains “Carry a Blackberry.” (No one but us dinosaurs want them )

 

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So the Republicans want to have yet another committee investigate Benghazi. While we’re on the subject of past American deaths, how about convening something to investigate what happened to all those 2001 CIA warnings in 2001 including the memo saying “Bin Laden determined to strike in United States.”?

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In California, a former Assemblywoman named Mary Hiyashi is running for State Senate, although she is still on probation after pleading no contest to shoplifting $2400 worth of clothes in 2011. Well, maybe there’s something to getting your convictions out of the way BEFORE being elected.

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Richard Sherman says he doesn’t think NFL commissioner Roger Goodell would have banned an owner for the kind of comments Donald Sterling made. But hey, Goodell surely would have been sure to fine the Clippers for their inside-out uniform violation.

 

In a newly released audio recording, Donald Sterling is heard yelling “You know I’m not a racist!” to an unidentified listener. Wonder how much he had to pay last week to find someone to make the tape?

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Time passages.

May 8, 2014

NBC announced Wednesday morning they have extended their Olympics TV deal through 2032. What? They didn’t tape the announcement and show it in prime time?

 

Caleb Johnson on American Idol Wednesday did a great job on “Maybe I’m Amazed.” And wonder how many younger viewers are thinking “Cool. Isn’t that a hit from the guy who used to be with Wings?”

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Charlie Crist said he left the GOP because it is now seen as “anti-women, anti-minority, anti-women, anti-gay, anti-education, anti-environment,” and because leadership “went off a cliff.” Crist better watch it, he might be making way too much sense to be elected in Florida.

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CNN is reporting that Sarah Palin says Hillary Clinton will likely reconsider her position on abortion rights now that her daughter is pregnant. And many Americans seeing another Sarah Palin story are thinking, “Can’t you go back to coverage of MH370?”

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Bizarre factoid of the day. Most Americans probably don’t know the Prime Minister of Canada. But they know the Mayor of Toronto.

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Johnny Manziel is saying that teams who pass on him in the draft will regret it. Even Richard Sherman is saying, “Dude, less is more.”

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Target’s interim CEO John Mulligan “Our guests can shop with confidence at Target.” Wonder if he added under his breath “If they pay cash.”

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Venture capitalist Tim Draper “When you work for your government, when your government forces you to do something, it’s slavery. We need to take it back.” Right, because if he didn’t live in California, instead of ending up a billionaire, Tim feels he might be a trillionaire by now?

 

Male whine of the day. .MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough,”This is not about Bill Clinton This is about the women who were eviscerating Monica Lewinsky, who for 18 years was quiet and, by the way, lived a life of shame and her entire existence reduced to a punchline,” Well, no one is claiming Bill is a saint. But it’s wrong to say that a 22 year old woman was capable of making her own bad choices?

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Tim Lincecum is doing a great job of pitching to contact. Unfortunately the contact he is pitching to is the wall.  #SFGiants.

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Hillary Clinton, when asked today if she is running for President in 2016. “I am somebody who really has to mull things over. Stay tuned. When I know, you’ll know.” Even Brett Favre is thinking “Jeez, lady, make up your mind.”

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A dinosaur threw out the first pitch at today’s Padres game. Saw that headline and thought “But Jamie Moyer didn’t even play for San Diego.”

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Stay classy. Former Dodgers’ manager Tommy Lasorda, a friend of Donald Sterling, said of V. Stiviano “I don’t wish that girl any bad luck, but I hope she gets hit with a car.” Hate to hear what Tommy hoped about any of the SF Giants when they won the World Series in recent years.

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Not quite a Virgin flight…

May 7, 2014

A woman was detained and then released by Las Vegas police after she apparently got drunk on board a Virgin Atlantic flight from London and noisily joined the Mile High Club,with a man she had just met on board. The best part – she was traveling with her PARENTS. And you think some of your family vacations have been awkward.

 

 

The NFL Draft is coming Thursday. For the uninitiated, that means for a few days ESPN will be only slightly less fixated on the draft than CNN has been on MH370.

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After a social media storm,  Eric LeGrand is again speaking at Rutgers’ commencement. “I’ll take ‘Damage Control’ for $1000, Alex.”

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Apparently Toronto mayor Rob Ford may have disappeared on his way to rehab in Chicago. You actually kind of hope he’s hiking the Appalachian Trail

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Golden State Warriors have fired coach Mark Jackson, saying they think “it’s time to move in a different direction.” Like back out of the playoffs?

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SFGiants are getting about as much production out of Pablo Sandoval as they would if he were on the DL.

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Many frustrated #SFGiants fans want Bruce Bochy to bat Pablo Sandoval 8th. Although there are others who disagree and think the Panda should bat 9th.

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Anyone who needs a reason to root for the San Antonio Spurs, I give you coach Gregg Popovich. He’s been having WNBA star Becky Hammon, who wants to coach someday, attend practices. And Popovich says about a female NBA coach someday – “I don’t see why not. There shouldn’t be any limitations. It’s about talent and the ability to do things. It’s not about what your sex is or your race is or anything else

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The Spurs were on a roll. Tonight looked like one of the most uneven matchups in San Antonio since the Alamo.

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Would ANYONE who hadn’t watched the regular season and just turned in for the #NBAplayoffs have guessed the #IndianaPacers were a #1 seed?

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Monica Lewinsky, in a Vanity Fair article: “I, myself, deeply regret what happened between me and President Clinton. Let me say it again: I. Myself. Deeply. Regret. What. Happened.” More like she regrets a – getting caught, and b- not having that fifteen minutes of fame turn into something lucrative?

 

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Just an open note to those in the GOP who want to use Monica Lewinsky’s book against Hillary. The American public knows Bill Clinton is a tomcat. We knew that when we elected him the first time. And we would have elected him a third time if possible. Yeah it makes for good punchlines but in the big picture nobody cares.So get over it. #puritans

 

From Marc Ragovin;  ” Willie Mays turned 83 on Tuesday. Of course he has now gone from “say hey” to “what did you say?””

 

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Something missing?

May 5, 2014

Tiger Woods said that missing the Masters wasn’t that bad. “Speak for yourself” said CBS.

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Didn’t everyone have this figured? NL pitching leaders as of May 5 with 5 wins – Greinke, Wainwright, Machi… #SFGiants

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The Supreme Court ruled today that city councils can begin their meetings with prayer, even if it plainly favors a specific religion. Okay, so let’s see what happens when some council decides to include, say, a Buddhist or Muslim prayer…

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Who says politicians are never honest? Lindsay Graham – “Our Democratic friends, for the most part, have been in the tank over Benghazi. Some guy said this about me yesterday on the left: The only reason I cared about this was because I have six tea party opponents. Well, if that’s true, I’m the biggest scumbag in America.”

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Saturday was the Kentucky Derby, Monday was Cinco de Mayo. Which for many Americans means finding out the answer to a question – do you get a worse hangover from bourbon or tequila?

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Governor Chris Christie on the Brooklyn Nets “They’re not in New Jersey anymore. They’re not my team — I’m a Knicks fan. And so the fact is, I just don’t care.” Makes sense that Christie would root for the Knicks, their year has made his look good by comparison.

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Former PayPal exec Rakesh “Rocky” Agrawal is no longer with the company after sending out late night tweets saying amongst other things that PayPal’s global communications VP was a “useless middle. manager” and a “piece of s***.” Agrawal says he quit before tweeting, but just guessing he’s not expecting a reference?

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A Hong Kong company has come up with a new “Paper Clip” armrest for planes, which has a double decker format they say will eliminate the armrest battles most fliers face regularly. Wonder which U.S. carrier will try it first, presumably as soon as they figure out how to charge an “arm room fee.”

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You really cannot make this “stuff” up: .Steve Wiles is running in the GOP primary for North Carolina state Senate, touting his support for a gay marriage ban. And the Winston-Salem Journal is reporting Wiles worked for years as a drag queen emcee known as ‘Miss Mona Sinclair’ at a Winston-Salem gay bar.

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Jameis Winston apparently was carrying crawfish, crab legs and butter when he walked out of a Florida Publix without paying. But the Heisman winner insisted he did not steal the butter, because he left it in a bin before he left the store. Maybe that explains why FSU has already reinstated him?

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Stay classy. Stacey Campfield, the Tennessee state senator who once said HIV and AIDS originated from a man having sex with a monkey, just wrote in his blog “Democrats bragging about the number of mandatory sign ups for Obamacare is like Germans bragging about the number of manditory sign ups for ‘train rides’ for Jews in the 40s.”

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From my funny friend Jerry Perisho: Oregon State fired head basketball coach Craig Robinson, the brother-in-law of Pres. Obama. Fox News said the firing was part of the Republican resurgence. MSNBC said it was due to right wing radicalism on campus. CNN said, “Oregon is nowhere near the Indian Ocean, so we don’t care.

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For some variety, Dwight Perry’s sideline chatter.  (And he included one of my jokes)

http://seattletimes.com/html/sidelinechatter/2023524610_chatter04xml.html

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Not quite slip sliding away

May 4, 2014

A Norwegian cruise ship was stuck in the Hudson River this morning. Wonder if anyone on board had annoyed Chris Christie.

 

It took less than three hours to tow the cruise ship that was stuck on the Hudson into port. Still no doubt disappointing passengers who wanted to get home earlier. And really disappointing CNN that the ship wasn’t stuck out in the Atlantic.

 

A woman was arrested at Oakland Airport when TSA found 81 POUNDS of marijuana in her three checked bags. And worse, she probably didn’t get her baggage fees back.

 

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Aww moment, and nother reason to love California Chrome. Owner Steve Coburn, about watching the Kentucky Derby – “Our dream child doing exactly what we thought he could do when he was a baby.”

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Hall of Famer Jim Brown “The NCAA is the most reprehensible organization God ever created.” And God responded “Don’t blame me, I didn’t do it.”

 

Heisman winner Jameis Winston, who has been the closer, and one of the better players on the FSU baseball team,  been reinstated to the Seminoles’ baseball team.  This after  completing his  20 hours of community service.for shoplifting crab legs just last Tuesday.  Well, if consistency is a virtue, good to know the SEC baseball teams are as much talent whores as their football equivalents.

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From TC .  “The NBA wants to punish Donald Sterling by forcing him to sell the Clippers and then use the proceeds to buy The Harlem Globetrotters. If they really wanted to punish him, they would make him purchase the Washington Generals.”

 

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Run for the roses.

May 3, 2014
Kentucky Derby day brings up again the question of whether or not a racehorse is a true professional athlete. They’re young, talented, mostly male, but they do wait until retirement before having lots of out-of-wedlock offspring.

 

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#CaliforniaChrome just gave a lot of red staters another reason to hate California. #KentuckyDerby

 

 

Kentucky Derby Day. When enough mint juleps can make any hat look good.

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California Chrome’s victory in the Kentucky Derby means that for a couple weeks at least many Californians care about horse racing. Sort of how most Americans cared about the Winter Olympics.

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A tour bus belonging to Willie Nelson’s crew is for sale. Presume it’s a vehicle that only takes the high road.

 

–The FAA has decided for safety reasons to reduce the number of departure runways at Chicago O’Hare from 3 to 2. Good thing the airport isn’t very busy.

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The surest sign that Obamacare is working? The GOP wants to start another Benghazi investigation.

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Amazing story out of Minnesota about the woman who saw a young man slip into a storage locker and called the police because of a “gut feeling.” Turns out he was planning to kill his family and stage a Columbine type massacre. Particularly amazing, the police didn’t dismiss her call as much ado about nothing from a silly woman.

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Bud Selig, again tooting his own horn as MLB commissioner, “When I took over in 1992, the gross revenue … was $1.2 billion. This year will be well over $8 billion.” But at least $1 billion of that has to be beer purchases at Yankee Stadium.

 

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A lot of husbands are alive today because they have never referred to their wives as “silly rabbits.”

 

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Anyone but me ready for V. Stiviano’s 15 minutes to be up?

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Old dog, stupid new tricks

May 2, 2014

Who says an old man can’t have a learning experience. Donald Sterling, speaking to an interviewer about the V. Stiviano tapes: “I wish I had just paid her off.”

 

 

 

Ben Affleck has apparently been banned from playing blackjack at the Hard Rock Casino because he was “too good at the game.” Well a guy’s got to be good at something….

 

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There will be 124 FBS (Division 1) college football teams in 2014. There will be 38 bowl games not counting the championship. So 76 teams will have to be chosen, and UNLV, Idaho and Penn State are ineligible….. But bank on it. some coach will whine in December that his team was overlooked.

 

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My friend Darren wanted a punchline on this “49ers exercise fifth year option on Aldon Smith per league source”

Okay,  So, what’s the difference between a troubled young man and a thug?   Talent.

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There were injuries but fortunately no fatalities today when a NY Subway train derailed today in Queens. New Yorkers were stunned, normally the only train wreck in May is the Mets.

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Sometimes no punchline can top real life: V. Stiviano’s lawyer Siamak Nehoray, on his “devastated” client. “She’s a young girl thrown in the middle of this thing, unwillingly…” Stiviano is 31.

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Here’s a serious thought on Donald Sterling. Yes, the privacy issues with the leaked tape are disturbing. But it wasn’t as if his comments seemed like an out-of-control drunken rant, or as if he had been a model citizen before. Basically Sterling has been a bad actor for years, and the NBA has just looked the other way. His taped remarks weren’t the cause of him being banned for life, they were the catalyst IMHO.

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Bruins president Cam Neely denounced fans who attacked the Canadiens’ P.K. Subban, who is black, with racial slurs on social media after Subban scored the game winning goal for Montreal over Boston last night. In related news, Donald Sterling called the Bruins to inquired about rink-side tickets.

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From T.C.  ” Ad we’d like to see:  Hey PK Subban, you just scored the winning goal of game one in double OT vs Boston – what are you going to do next? “I’m going to a LA Clippers game!!!!!”

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A 16 year old Florida girl, looking for sympathy after a breakup with her boyfriend, pretended she was kidnapped and set off an Amber Alert with a several hour search. Well, that should certainly help her future dating life, as what boy doesn’t want a girl who’s bat sh*t crazy?

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Stanford coach David Shaw, complaining about the SEC’s football schedule only having eight conference games, as opposed to most conferences who play nine. “If we’re all going to be in the same playoffs, we need to play by the same rules” And down in the SEC they’re just giggling

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Bus to hell time.   “The NY Post is reporting that Donald Sterling has cancer. “What a shame,” said nobody.”

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Oh brother.

May 1, 2014

George W. Bush said today he hopes his brother Jeb runs for President in 2016. Maybe W. misses those little White House boxes of M & Ms?

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George W. Bush, in the interview where he says he hopes his brother runs, said “Hey Jeb, if you need some advice, give me a call.” And Hillary Clinton is thinking “Why stop at a call, you brothers should campaign together…”

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All this talk about Jeb Bush being handicapped for a possible Presidential run by his name. If Jeb’s last name was Smith he’d probably be another no-name former Southern GOP governor.

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#Sharks went from looking unstoppable to dead in the water so quickly, have to wonder if Richard Dreyfuss was somehow involved. #SJSharks

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At least the San Jose Sharks are guaranteed not to disappoint their fans this May.

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Both gasoline prices and the stock market are at 2014 highs. And the GOP is trying to convince voters President Obama has everything to do with the former, and nothing to do with the latter.

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Another reason the San Antonio Spurs just don’t fit the NBA mold. Tony Parker, 31, barely made last night’s game because of the birth of his FIRST child.

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The Lakers are apparently interested in hiring John Calipari. But not sure Calipari is interested in coaching prima donnas he can’t get rid of after a year.

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After his second crack cocaine video, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford now says he will take a leave of absence to enter rehab. This should make his approval rating go up another 5-10 points.

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Aaron Hernandez has now been indicted in an alleged February assault and an alleged November threat at his jail. I know Hernandez is talented, but at this point he’s risking being kicked off the “All-Thug” NFL team.

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The head of the Los Angeles NAACP resigned over their planned lifetime achievement award to Donald Sterling. Have to wonder, who else was on that list for the award?

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An Alabama store reportedly  was selling $17.00 a pound king crab legs labeled “Jameis Winston King Crab Legs.” Of course, Cam Newton would never have been involved in such a shoplifting incident while at Auburn. Someone would have given the seafood to his father.

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Guessing SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy doesn’t cook much. Matt Cain missed a start when he cut himself making a sandwich. And Bochy said yesterday that Cain is “making us all sandwiches right now. With a real real dull butter knife.” As most women know, dull knives can be the likeliest to cut you as they stick and slip…..

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Edward Snowden expects to have his asylum renewed in Russia. But his attorney says he “misses America and would like to be able to come home. We just don’t see that happening in the near future.” Uh, not “coming home” is not the problem. Snowden not wanting to face charges when he comes home IS the problem.

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Jawed?

April 30, 2014

“He can’t go down with three barrels on them, not with three he can’t?”

No, but Sharks can go down with three games on them….

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Who knew Shark Tank was redundant?

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Announcers saying the San Jose Sharks’ season ended bitterly.” “Bitterly?” “Bitterly” is a one game nightmare. This was a four-game choke job for the ages.

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FSU QB and reigning Heisman winner Jameis Winston was reportedly cited for shoplifting crab legs in Tallahassee and may be suspended from the baseball team. Maybe the NCAA should have been a little more clear on that ruling allowing unlimited meals for athletes?

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Jameis Winston on “crab-gate”. In a moment of youthful ignorance, I walked out of the store without paying for one of my items. “Youthful ignorance? As in he didn’t ask one of his posse to get the crab legs for him?

Or as in he should have stuck to something small like filet mignon.

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V. Stiviano said through her attorney that she is “very saddened” at Sterling’s NBA ban and that she “never wanted any harm to Donald.” Translation, someone is really going to miss those courtside seats.

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Donald Trump is buying Turnberry golf course. What, is the Donald looking for a British gopher to replace that furry thing that lives on his head?

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We are one Atlanta win away from a second round NBA playoff series between the Hawks and the Washington Wizards. Which had to seem about as likely as the NAACP giving Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award.

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Frontier Airlines is going to start charging for carry-on bags that don’t fit under the seat. So all those boarding slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags in the overhead bins? They’ll be switching to slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags under the seat.

 

Never understood why people don’t like the San Antonio Spurs. They play good, team-oriented no-drama basketball. Does the team remind some too much of the WNBA?

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Former ‘Mad’ magazine editor Al Feldstein, 88, has died. Have to assume his last words were “What, me worry?

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GOP senators just blocked raising the U.S. minimum wage to $10.10 an hour. Just for comparison, based on a 40 work week, U.S. Senators make $87.00 an hour. (plus expenses.) #letthemeatcake

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Mike D’Antoni “resigned” from the Los Angeles Lakers. Which makes him luckier than the team’s season ticket holders.

 

 

From my friend Bill Whalen “How do you repel a shark attack? Put it on a power play.”

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My friend Bob Thompson pointed out the the Dodgers played tonight at Target Field against the Twins, and it’s 42 degrees, feels like 36. Almost as cold as a night game at Candlestick.

 

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In a recent poll about the Florida Governor’s race, Charlie Crist has a 10 point lead over Rick Scott, and Crist’s lead is almost 20 points with women voters. This could mean a serious potential drought in Florida punchlines.

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John Boehner is now apologizing for his comments about some of his fellow Republicans regarding immigration reform – “here’s the attitude: ‘Ohhhh, don’t make me do this. Ohhhh, this is too hard.'” Apparently having a spine is not allowed in today’s GOP?

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Floyd Mayweather Jr. now says he wants to buy the Los Angeles Clippers. So get rid of a racist and replace him with a confessed wife-beater? #Notexactly

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For all those who want the media to pay attention to anything but MH370 and Donald Sterling, help is on the way. A new video has surfaced allegedly filmed last weekend allegedly showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack again.

 

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For whom the Silver bell tolled?

April 30, 2014

The Los Angeles Clippers are undefeated in the post Donald Sterling era.

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Mark Cuban about forcing Donald Sterling to leave the NBA over his private conversations, says “It’s a very, very slippery slope” Translation, wonder what conversations, including with other owners, Cuban himself has been a part of…?

 

Apparently the NBA needs the support of 75% of owners to make Sterling sell the Clippers. And let’s see, over-under on owners who want to risk boycotts or loss of sponsors by voting in his defense? I am guessing zero. (Even including Mark Cuban.)

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Donald Trump yesterday said that V. Stiviano was the problem, not Donald Sterling .  “It’s terrible, he got set up by a very bad girlfriend. She was baiting him and she’s a terrible human being.” Sounds like a good thing the Donald’s potential partial ownership of the Buffalo Bills hasn’t gone through yet..

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Since #DonaldSterling is banned from #NBA, maybe sponsors will return to #LAClippers.But Clips may lose the new deal with #DuckDynasty.

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#WashingtonRedskins fans are wondering if there’s any way they could get #VStiviano (and her tape recorder)  to start hooking up with #DanielSnyder.

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Just wondering, what would the NBA have done if #DonaldSterling had made the exact same comments, but for “blacks” substitute “gays?”

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Serious note.  Regarding the whole “private free speech” question with Donald Sterling. Yeah, we can all say whatever we want when we think we have privacy. But on the other hand, we can also all decide not to support people who we don’t like.

And while many around the NBA knew Sterling was a racist douchebag, the casual fan didn’t. Now they do. And sponsors fled in droves. Have no problem with the league’s decision, but thinking in the end it was less about the moral high ground than money in the pockets of other owners, AND the players.

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A recent poll said only 38% of Coloradans think legalizing marijuana has been bad for the state. And many of the rest no doubt responded “Dude, what was that question again?”

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An “tunnel to nowhere” is being built on the West Side of Manhattan, (before a massive development is built on top of it). The plans are to eventually link it to new commuter tunnels under the Hudson to New Jersey. Although to be fair, even if the trench does end up leading to NJ, won’t most Manhattanites still consider it a tunnel to nowhere?

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A company called GeoResonance says they have found a plane in the Indian Ocean they think could be MH370. Official searchers say they are wrong. Which could be true but when have the official searchers ever been right?

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Just a little too wedded to the script? Cheerful Safeway cashier asking “If I needed help out?” My purchase? Half a dozen cans of cat food…..

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Matt Cain scratched due to cutting himself while making a sandwich. Isn’t your posse supposed to make your sandwich? #sfgiants.

(Cain should NEVER have taken sandwich making lessons from Jeremy Affeldt.)

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A thought for the SF Giants, who often give Cain no run support.  Maybe Bruce Bochy should always start someone like Petit for the first inning, let the team score, THEN put in Matt in the second… (SF did score two in the first tonight.)

 

 

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Games People Play

April 28, 2014

The X Games Austin this June will now feature a “Call to Duty” tournament. What’s next, MLG (Major League Gaming) in the Olympics?

 

The “Kissing Congressman,” Vince McAllister, who campaigned on Christian values and was caught on tape with a staffer, says he will not seek re-election. Guess McAllister wants to spend more time lying to his family.

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The SEC, saying they want to improve strength of schedule, will start in 2016 to require that all football teams schedule at least one ACC, Big 12, Big 10 or Pac 12 team per season. That stampeding sound you hear is all the SEC AD’s rushing to call Cal.

 

A ESPN report citing Jim Nantz says that the Dallas Cowboys “will do whatever it takes” to get Johnny Manziel. Because there are still people outside of North Texas who don’t already hate the Cowboys?

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In South Korean, three people have been arrested on suspicion of destroying evidence connected to the ferry sinking. These people almost make the captain of Costa Concordia look decent by comparison.

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Paul Simon and his wife, Edie Brickell, have been arrested on disorderly conduct charges. What were they doing, burning that bridge over troubled water

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I’m not even a Warriors fan – root more for the Spurs. But well played Dubs fans, well played.

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Warriors coach Mark Jackson says that fans should boycott game 5 in Los Angeles as a response to the comments made by Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Fair enough, but why didn’t he also suggest fans boycott game 4 in Oakland?

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Not sure in a community property state why Donald Sterling’s wife has stayed with him all these years, but now might be a good time to file for divorce. Especially if she can get an African-American judge.

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Yes, I believe in free speech. But even as big of an idiot as Donald Sterling should have known that with a woman you are basically buying, NOTHING is free.

 

If all these sponsors leaving the Clippers teach us anything it may be that the color that matters isn’t black or white, but green.

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If any other NBA owners have negative thoughts about minorities, including gays, probably not a good idea to share them in a conversation with your mistress.

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So has anyone asked the #DuckDynasty clan what they think of #DonaldSterling?

 

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Marc Ragovin wonders if “it’s time for Donald Sterling to take up cattle ranching?”

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#DonaldSterling may have saved the #Pacers from being the most embarrassing story of these NBA playoffs.

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All that glitters is not Sterling.

April 28, 2014

 

Leaving the racism aside, Donald Sterling also appears to be an incredible misogynist. Wouldn’t you think a beautiful woman who wants to be a temporary rich man’s mistress can find someone who’s a bit less of an a**hole?

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It will may only last as long as this playoff series but the Golden State Warriors have to thank #DonaldSterling for temporarily making them America’s Team.

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As much as other professional sports team owners are decrying the comments of the NBA’s Donald Sterling, have to wonder how many of them are hoping no one has tapes of THEIR phone conversations?

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As #DonaldSterling story completely dominates the media, have to wonder who leaked the tapes? #ClivenBundy?

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So the NAACP was going to give Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award? What’s next? The NCAA planning to honor John Calipari for his commitment to student athletes?

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Hardest thing for the GOP in dealing with Donald Sterling’s comments other than dealing with the fraction of their constituents who agree with him, is trying to figure out how to spin that President Obama’s response is wrong.

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Sarah Palin, speaking at an NRA convention, said that gun-free zones are “stupid on steroids.” Thereby challenging all those who thought if there was anyone who should be an expert on “stupid on steroids…”

 

 

During Sarah Palin’s NRA speech she complained that the “Obama administration wants you ID’d” for having a gun. Okay, I guess being ID’ed should be reserved for truly dangerous things, like voting.

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Got to love United Airlines, sending a message at 632p saying that a 629p flight has been delayed at least an hour but “please be at gate for boarding PRIOR to the original scheduled departure time as the departure time could be revised again.” Uh, not exactly.

(And then sending the SAME, be at the gate before the originally scheduled 629p flight boarding time, at 730p…)

 

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NBC is adding Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski to next week’s Kentucky Derby telecast as fashion correspondents. Thereby making the most asked question after “Who will win?” “What will Johnny wear?”

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The San Jose Sharks, originally up 3-0 in their series with the L.A. Kings, are now up 3-2 and reeling. Isn’t it kind of early for the team to be in late-round playoff form.

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A Phoenix man was arrested for using Craigslist to find sex with a horse. Really? Craigslist? Isn’t there an app for that?

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New NFL director of football operations Troy Vincent says he can see the NFL adding a developmental league. Don’t they already have that? It’s called the SEC.

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Those were the days…..

April 26, 2014

This morning the NBA has to be longing for the days when their most embarrassing owner was Mark Cuban.

 

How quickly things change. Yesterday the most embarrassing thing about NBA basketball in Los Angeles was the Lakers.

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If Donald Sterling gets suspended as an NBA owner will Clive Bundy offer him a job as a ranch hand?

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Was actually in New York tonight and lucky enough to have seen Denzel Washington live.  Suppose I can thank Sterling for reminding us that “Raisin in the Sun” isn’t a dated play.

 

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George Clooney, 52, is engaged to his latest girlfriend, a 36 year old lawyer. Not sure if the marriage will work, but her pre-nup sure should.

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One difference between men and women.  When most women heard that Clooney was engaged, their reaction was “okay, we can stop dreaming now.”  If someone like – fill in the blank – Olivia Wilde, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Beyonce, – gets engaged, the reaction is “well, she just hadn’t met me yet.”

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Taco Bell is planning to open a new chain called U.S. Taco Co, with a more upscale menu – for example, the “Brotherly Love”, a tortilla stuffed with Philly cheese steak, or the “Winner Winner”, with crispy Southern fried chicken and gravy. Sounds like the price of gas is going up.

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Re pine tar. If “everyone does it” and it’s “really for the safety of the batter,” then maybe MLB should legalize the stuff. Or make the rule like it is about pitchers’ jewelry. Only legal if it’s not visible enough to distract the batter.

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The SF GIants and Cleveland Indians met today in a 1954 World Series rematch.   Until 2010, the Giants hadn’t won since 1954, and the Indians haven’t won since 1948.   Both amateurs on a 1 to Cubs pain scale.

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Bizarre early season stat. Michael Morse has six home runs in April. All the SF Giants’ left fielders together last year total hit five.

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Explained to a 20 something today why New York has a 212 area code. (It was the fastest to dial on a rotary dial phone.). Wonder how long it will be before 20 somethings won’t have even heard of a rotary dial phone?

 

Hundreds of “E.T’ Atari video games, which had been considered perhaps the worst video game ever made, were found in New Mexico landfill. So before “Breaking Bad” there was ‘Burying Bad?”

 

Thanks to Gregg Drinnan for this gem  “During a news conference to introduce Donnie Tyndall as the head coach of the U of Tennessee’s men’s basketball team, it was pointed out to him that he wasn’t the first choice. Tyndall pointed to his fiancee, who was in attendance, and offered: “Look at her and look at me. I probably wasn’t her first choice either.”

 

 

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Not exactly?

April 25, 2014

Cliven Bundy says “I’m not a racist.” I think I like “I did not have sex with that woman” better.

 

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Roger Goodell said the NFL is considering extending the draft to four days, although it would remain at seven rounds. Well, heck, if the point is television coverage why not start the draft in March and do 3 or 4 picks a day for months?

 

Dan Marino and Joe Montana will play in a flag-football game to say goodbye to Candlestick Park this July. When asked is they knew who will sponsor the game, the 49ers reportedly replied “Depends?”

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Michigan’s Mitch McGary tested positive for marijuana during the NCAA tournament and rather than accept a year’s suspension will declare for the draft. Well, McMary’s already on his way to proving he’s NBA ready.

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North Korea says they have an American man in custody who they say arrived this month to “seek asylum” and “came to the DPRK (North Korea) after choosing it as a shelter.” If true, even Dennis Rodman is thinking this guy is batsh*t crazy.

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OK, really, how much more of an advantage can #pinetar be for a pitcher compared to say, playing the Houston #Astros?.

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Open note to Dodgers fans, we Giants fans learned some great “Torture” cocktail recipes. And we’ll share. (Brian Wilson gave up 4 runs in the 9th in a 7-3 Phillies win Thursday night.)

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Federal prosecutors will soon charge NY Congressman Michael Grimm over alleged corruption and illegal campaign donations. What, a NY political scandal that doesn’t involve sex?

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The NBA Indianapolis Pacers look to be finishing about as well as Danica Patrick.

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Another “policy alignment” at the new American Airlines, as the airline follows US Airways in not even letting full fare travelers hold reservations without ticketing for more than a few days. Not a big deal for most people but ever notice how when airlines merge it’s always the least consumer friendly policy that survives?

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The Buffalo Bills have suspended cheerleading operations after members filed a lawsuit alleging they were underpaid. And presumably the squad feels they should have had extra hardship pay cheering for the Bills.

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While celebrating her wedding at a bar with her new husband and niece, the bride got into an argument over who was going to drive home, and allegedly fatally shot the niece. Near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Your move, Florida.

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Nearly a month into the season, MLB has gone back to its original definition of a catch, and no longer requiring a fielder to transfer a ball to record an out. This happened after Brett Gardner was called safe last night when Dustin Pedroia dropped the ball while trying to turn a double play. Well, guess the league finally pays attention if something affects a Red Sox-Yankees game…

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Since these first round NBA playoffs are turning out to be competitive and compelling wonder how long it will take the league to move to a 32 team five round playoff?

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Men not at work.

April 24, 2014

MLB has suspended Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda 10 games “for possessing a foreign substance on his person. That’s the official reason. The unofficial reason of course is for being stupid enough to put pine tar on his neck.

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Michael Pineda, after his ejection – “I will learn from this mistake and it will not happen again.’’ Translation. “Next time I’ll hide the pine tar in a more discrete place.”

 

A girl gave Michelle Obama her father’s resume, saying he hadn’t had any work in three years. “Honey, you didn’t have to do that” said Joe Biden.

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The NFL has just come out with its 2014 schedule. This should give players ample time to schedule meetings with their probation officers.

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Herschel Walker, 52, told USA TODAY “I can play in the NFL today. I couldn’t take every snap. But running backs nowadays don’t play every down… Physically, I can still do it.” Let’s hope nobody shows this to Brett Favre.

 

Wonder how many Americans who profess complete disinterest in William, Kate and George’s Australia tour because they don’t believe in hereditary monarchy are really hoping Jeb runs against Hillary in 2016.

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So many high seeds are having trouble in the first round of the NBA playoffs that you have to wonder if fatigue is a factor. Which could mean next year teams put even LESS effort into the regular season.

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Oscar Robertson said if he were advising Carmelo Anthony, he’d tell him to leave the New York Knicks. Presumably so Melo can find a new team to help underachieve?

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The LA district attorney’s office says that Aldon Smith’s will probably only be charged with with a misdemeanor instead of a felony for saying telling TSA he had a bomb at LAX airport. Another athlete who should be glad stupidity is not a felony.

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Richard Sherman, currently negotiating his contract “It’s all about respect in this game, and the only way people show respect is the dollars.” Ah, that’s what’s going on with college football in SEC and USC, respect.

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A Bachelorette contestant died after a paragliding accident. The show’s producers had two reactions. 1. How sad. 2. Thank heaven it didn’t happen on one of our adventure dates.

 

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GOP Presidential contenders are now rushing to distance themselves from rancher Cliven Bundy, who said, amongst other things about African-Americans, “And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.” If Bundy had just stuck to insulting the government and maybe women and gays, he’d still be some conservatives’ hero.

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From TC “Air Canada will be terminating two of their baggage handlers this weekend after video showed them firing luggage as far as 20 feet at Toronto Pearson airport. The Blue Jays immediately signed them for pitching tryouts.”

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Tarred if not feathered?

April 23, 2014

 

Michael Pineda was ejected today when the umpire found pine tar on his neck. Really? Pine tar to pitch against the hitting-challenged Red Sox? That’s worse than stealing a base with a 7 run lead.

 

Another thought about Pineda. He had to know they were watching him after the alleged pine-tar on the glove earlier this year. And he puts it on his neck?! I don’t know if Jesus wept, but Gaylord Perry certainly did.

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The Chicago Cubs celebrated the 100th anniversary of the first game at Wrigley Field. With a 3-run lead in the 9th, and a 1-run lead with 1 out to go. And they lost, 7-5. Well, at least they honored their legacy appropriately.

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Sammy Sosa was absent from today’s ceremony commemorating the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field. Supposedly he wasn’t invited. But maybe the Cubs just sent him an invitation in English?

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-From Nick Coombs  “Both Wrigley Field and Shakespeare are having their birthdays celebrated today. One crafts tragedies that echo throughout the ages, the other is a playwright.”-

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Men must have kidnapped #SFGiants and put imposters in their uniforms. But don’t call the police, the imposters can hit. #Byebyebaby

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#SF wins 12-10 on a safety over #Denver today This was a 49ers – Broncos game, right? #SFGiants 

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Doctors say the Hawaii teen stowaway was probably saved by hypothermia. So why implode it? We could keep SF’s Candlestick Park as a medical facility.

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RIP Connie Marrero, 102, a former pitcher for the Washington Senators, who was the oldest living former MLB player. And one of the first to play with Jamie Moyer.

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The original Joe Paterno statue at Penn State has been torn down, but alums have raised money and hope to install a new statue downtown, which will feature Paterno sitting on a bench reading Virgil’s “Aeneid.” Would it be more appropriate to have the legendary coach with his hands covering his eyes?
(my friend Augie said he should have been reading Dante’s Inferno.)

 

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This tweet yesterday from Donald Trump: “Interesting how President Obama is flying around in a Boeing 747 on so-called Earth Day!” Even more interesting, this tweet from someone who a) doesn’t believe in climate change, and b) has his own personal 757

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From Garry Weiler, reminding us that the Giants and Red Sox are not the only hitting challenged teams in MLB  “the Seattle Mariners have scored 10 fewer runs than the Giants. Last night they had to leave the roof open at Safeco even though the weather was bad because they were afraid if they closed it that it would implode due to the Mariners sucking so badly.”

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Is it safe?

April 22, 2014

Security folks are still trying to figure out how a teenage boy was able to get onto the San Jose airport tarmac and into the wheel well of a commercial jet. On the brighter side, TSA said that day they did confiscate over 100 bottles of water.

 

Apparently Lindsey Vonn and Elin Nordegren have become good friends. Makes sense, Elin wants to know about her kids’ potential stepmom, and LIndsey wants to know how to check Tiger’s cellphone.

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A New Jersey cardiologist, trying to get out of paying $135,000 for FOUR visits to a strip club. claims he was drugged during each visit. Jeez. The guy is smart enough to get into med school, and he can’t think of a more creative excuse?

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The teenager who stowed away in the wheel well of that Hawaiian Airlines flight said he was trying to see his mother in Somalia. So give him an A for effort and an F for geography.

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On the Late Show last night, Courteney Cox said last night again that the “Friends” reunion is “not gonna happen.” Translation. no one has yet given them enough rea$on$.

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It will cost the Buffalo Bills about $3 million to settle a class action lawsuit for sending too many text messages to fans. So presumably the team will only send their fans one text to explain why this settlement means a rise in ticket prices.

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AOL is reporting that their email users have been hacked. Shocking. AOL still has email users?

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Inside airline humor:  The SF Chronicle’s Leah Garchik reports there will be a 50th reunion this weekend of Pan Am Class 12, 16 women who trained together in 1964 to become stewardesses. And then presumably after the reunion many of the women will go back to work as flight attendants on United’s Hawaii routes.

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Bob Dole, 90, in an interview said his “main concern about (the 2016) elections is that, well, I just hope I’m still around to vote then. If not … I plan to vote absentee.” If Jimmy Carter had said that the GOP would be screaming about potential voter fraud.

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More from Bob Dole “A number of the younger members, first-termers like Rand Paul, (Marco) Rubio Morand that extreme-right-wing guy – Ted Cruz? All running for president now. I don’t think they’ve got enough experience yet.” So maybe Dole secretly wants to run again with John McCain?

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At this point opposing pitchers facing the #SFGiants hitters must feel the way cats do when they stumble upon a convention for disabled mice.

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Well, as frustrated as the #SFGiants are, at least their players aren’t likely to be involved in a brawl. None of them can hit anyone.

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