Archive for February 2014
February 28, 2014
Jerry Brown, 75, running for a 4th term as Governor of California, now says someday he might want to run for Mayor of Oakland again. “Is this guy EVER going to quit?” asked Brett Favre.
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Richie Incognito has checked himself into a psychiatric facility. Yeah, in the NFL bullying, DUI’s, wife-beating, all of that is normal. But take a bat to a Ferrari and you know you need help.
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A Russian spy ship reportedly docked at Havana for no apparent reason. Maybe they were dropping off the Russian hockey team?
(or as my friend Michael said, maybe picking up the Cuban hockey team. Or both.)
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The NY Mets’ David Wright says 90 wins “is a good starting point” for this year’s team. Quick, check that man for concussions.
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If the Oakland As build a new stadium in the East Bay, the SF Giants have offered to share A T & T park during construction. Wonder if LA might complain, with that money the Giants could approach half the Dodgers’ payroll.
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United Airlines says they have cancelled 22,500 flights so far in 2014, mostly due to weather. You know what that means? Fare increases to make up for lost revenue.
The 12-year old son of two Oakland, California police officers accidentally shot himself in the arm today at home. The boy will recover. But was the family angling for a move to Florida?
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Open note to the NY #Knicks. The #NBA All-Star game is over, you can start playing defense now.
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Messy situation and tough decisions ahead for the US with Russia and the Ukraine. Republicans are just waiting for President Obama to do something so they can say he is wrong.
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Comedian George Lopez was reportedly arrested on last night at the Caesar’s casino in Windsor, Canada, for public intoxication. Isn’t that one of the purposes of being in a casino?
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Ohio State reported secondary violations to the NCAA for football, including pocket dials and Urban Meyer handing the phone to a recruit to say “Hi” to Tim Tebow. Of course, since they reported this silly stuff it means they couldn’t possibly be doing anything serious, right….?
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A judge ordered an grandmotherly looking woman to stay away from the airport and gave her time served for 8 days in jail after she tried to sneak onto flights to Hawaii from SFO three times this month. Who did she think she was, Helen Hayes?
(note, if you didn’t get the above joke you are either under 40 or not a fan of 1970’s disaster movies.)
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Rory McIlroy is leading the PGA Honda Classic after two rounds. Which makes ESPN happy. Since McIlroy is a name, that’s almost as Tiger Woods making the cut.
This week Buck Showalter made Orioles prospect Josh Hart write a research paper after he admitted he didn’t know who Frank Robinson was. From Bill Littlejohn: “In related news, Seth Meyers admitted he didn’t know who Johnny Carson was.
Categories: baseball jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Incognito jokes, Janice Hough, Jerry Brown jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 27, 2014
Richie Incognito apparently bashed his own Ferrari with a baseball bat. Did he tell police responding to the report of a damaged vehicle that he and the car were the best of pals?
On March 15, the San Diego Padres are offering free season tickets to fans who can hit a home run at Petco Park off the team’s pitching machine. And considering the way the team has hit lately, winning fans may also be offered a free-agent contract.
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A $60 million Texas high school stadium located in a suburb of Dallas will be shutdown INDEFINITELY due to “extensive cracking” in the concourse concrete. Wow. This could be the biggest waste of football money in town not affiliated with the Cowboys roster.
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Paula Dean “I feel like ’embattled’ or ‘disgraced’ will always follow my name. It’s like that black football player who recently came out,” Even Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson is thinking “Sweet Jesus, that woman is dumb.”
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The folks behind Kentucky’s “Creation Museum” are now moving ahead with “Ark Encounter” a theme park built around a 510-foot replica of Noah’s Ark, which will also present a biblical version of history. How long until they run into copyright infringement from Disney? Isn’t “Fantasyland” already taken?
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The CFL Montreal Alouettes released WR Arland Bruce, after he was fined last month by the league for comments about Michael Sam. Bruce tweeted that Sam should “man up, get on his knees and submit to God fully.” Leaving aside the stupidity and homophobia, was that really the best choice of words? #bustohell
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United Airlines is now allowing passengers to pre-book Direct TV on flights for only $4.99, a savings of $3. No doubt the airline figures they’ll make bonus money when passengers don’t bother to ask for a refund on all the times the inflight TV doesn’t work.
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American Airlines is dropping bereavement fares, saying they are making the change “to have a single, consistent program for American and US Airways.” (US Airways didn’t have such fares.) Amazing how in airline mergers the new “consistent” program is always the one that costs consumers more…..
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The GOP is complaining about military budget cuts, but they just scuttled Bernie Sanders’ bill to improve services for veterans. Largely because the Democrats wouldn’t add sanctions to Iran as part of the bill. And because anything President Obama backs must be wrong.
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Finally, from Alex Kaseberg, an open letter:
“Dear Rest of the U.S:
We hear you have had some severe weather this winter, so we would like to ask you some questions. Today, we woke up and there was a liquid-like substance actually falling from the sky. Here is my question: Is it OK to leave the house?
Yours Truly,
California”
Categories: baseball jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Cowboys jokes, Incognito jokes, Janice Hough, Michael Sam jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
February 27, 2014
The NFL reportedly was considering moving the 2015 Super Bowl from Glendale, Ariz., in the event SB 1062 became law. But Gov. Jan Brewer vetoed the bill, which would have allowed residents to cite religious beliefs as a reason to deny services to anybody. Good to know that in this case, religious intolerance bowed to the greater God of football.
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A Texas judge today struck down the state’s gay marriage ban, saying it had no “rational relation to a legitimate government purpose.” So where are all the “small government” conservatives cheering this one?
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An ESPN poll of the 128 FBS head college football coaches found only 25 who were in favor of changing the rules to slow down the game. Translation, Nick Saban and 24 other coaches who don’t think their teams can run the hurry-up offense.
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The Los Angeles Dodgers announced that Larry King will host a series for the team’s 24/7 television network called “Larry King at Bat.” Presumably Larry hopes to get as a regular guest that nice young man Vin Scully.
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Not the Onion. One of the Dodgers’ giveaways this year will be a Babe Ruth bobblehead in September. (After retiring the Babe spent a year in Brooklyn as a first base coach.) So is L.A. that worried about playing meaningful games to draw in fans in September?
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Dallas owner Jerry Jones says it’s his fault, not Tony Romo’s, that the Cowboys haven’t gotten to the Super Bowl. What, because Jones didn’t trade Romo?
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Raymond Felton, arrested on felony gun charges and for allegedly waving a loaded at his estranged wife during an argument, stated “This is not a distraction to this team.” Forget the “gay teammate” question, where’s the poll asking players how comfortable they are with this kind of idiot in the locker room?
From Marc Ragovin: “One day after being charged with illegal gun possession, Raymond Felton of the NY Knicks briefly addressed the matter with reporters, then shifted the discussion to the team’s playoff push. Ahhh, so I see he’s laying the groundwork for an insanity defense.”
Jim Lange, former California radio icon, and host of “Name that Tune” and “The Dating Game”, passed away this week. At his service, mourners will be invited to name that hymn in only five, four, three notes…..
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Apparenlty the world’s largest exchange for trading bitcoin currency shut down today, triggering a massive sell-off. So maybe the bitcoin era is ending before I even had to figure out what it was?
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Ohio is ending early voting on Sundays and weekday evenings, leaving early voting only by absentee ballot, or in person for four weeks from 8a-5pm M-F, and two Saturdays. Secretary of State Jon Husted said – with a straight face – “Our goal is to make it easy to vote and hard to cheat and to ensure that everyone has an equal opportunity in the voting process.” Right, because cheaters only come out at night and on Sundays. And no one ever mails in someone else’s absentee ballot….
From my friend Jim Barach: “Colorado is cracking down on DUIs from people driving while stoned. Recently a police officer was involved in a chase with a suspected pot smoker that reached speeds up to 7 mph.”
(Just thinking, if California ever legalizes marijuana, it ought to get real interesting with all our Priuses. (Prii?)
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Arizona jokes, bitcoin jokes, Dodger jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Raymond Felton jokes, SB 1062
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 26, 2014
A GOP lobbyist says he is preparing legislation to prevent gay players from joining the NFL. Jack Burkman says “If the NFL has no morals and no values then the Congress must find values for it.” Thinking that in Washington putting CONGRESS in charge of morals and finding values has less of a chance than Diogenes finding his honest man .
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Steve Elkington, (Who? Yeah, he won the PGA in 1995) tweeted a homophobic joke about Michael Sam. Right, because we all know when it comes to tough male athletes, we think of golfers first.
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So Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has announced major cuts in the military budget, to just under $500 billion. Oh, the horror. Now the U.S. will only spend as much as the next seven countries beneath us combined….
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Knicks PG Raymond Felton was arrested this morning three counts of criminal possession of a weapon. Well, we knew even the Nets’ signing of Jason Collins couldn’t mean Brooklyn had the New York NBA headlines for long.
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#RaymondFelton has a court date of June 2. The NBA finals start June 5. So fortunately his arrest won’t affect this year’s #Knicks
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Bachelorette season 8 winner Jef Holm told Us Weekly that Juan Pablo is “by far the sleaziest Bachelor.” Isn’t that statement kind of redundant?
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One reason to watch the Bachelor: A few hours of these folks make all the people in your real life seem so much saner and more normal by comparison.
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A Sonoma County man has been sentenced to six years in prison after his eighth DUI. Part of California’s 8 strikes and you’re out policy?
Ozzie Smith is leading a petition campaign to make MLB Opening Day a national holiday. With 100,000 signatures it would mean the Obama adminstation has to respond. Maybe Ozzie would have better luck if he made the petition say “create a holiday, and deport Bieber while you’re at it.”
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The Washington Redskins posted a YouTube video congratulating Dale Earnhardt Jr. on his Daytona 500 win. Guess this is the closest the team thinks they will get to any kind of a championship.
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Johan Santana threw for seven MLB scouts in Florida, and topped out at 81 mph. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to get coaching on his fastball from Jamie Moyer?
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Apparently Arizona Governor Jan Brewer will actually veto the anti-gay bill that would allow businesses not to serve customers based on religious beliefs. No doubt she has million$ of rea$on$ for her deci$ion.
My comedy writing friend Jerry Perisho asks “Could we lock Aaron Hernandez up with OJ Simpson?” I’m wondering if we could just lock him up for a little while with those douchebags who attacked Bryan Stow?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Arizona jokes, Bachelor jokes, Janice Hough, Knicks jokes, NFL gay player jokes, Raymond Felton jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
February 24, 2014
Alec Baldwin says he is leaving New York and “It’s goodbye to public life.” Is it too soon to start a pool on his next headline-causing incident?
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That sinking feeling when it’s only February and you think the “Darwin Award Winner of the Year” competition might be over: Police are reporting a Michigan man fatally shot himself in the head Sunday, while demonstrating gun safety..
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Meanwhile, the geography award of the day goes to the client who asked me to send her all the flight options from Amsterdam to the Hague….
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Former San Diego State RB Adam Muema left the NFL combine early, telling a reporter that God told him if he quit, he’d play for the Seattle Seahawks. “(God) told me to sit down, be quiet, and enjoy the peace.” Sounds like Muema’s likely to enjoy the peace of a phone not ringing.
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Apparently McDonalds may start serving their breakfast items until 12n. And many Millenials are thinking. “Dudes, why stop so early in the day?”
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Taco Bell is introducing a waffle taco. Presumably the product will debut in Colorado and Washington?
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Now that the Sochi games are over, most casual American sports fans can stop ignoring the Olympics, and start ignoring the NHL and NBA regular seasons.
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Harold Ramis, co-writer of “Animal House” has passed away. Toga party in heaven tonight?
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For the second time in a year, Disney is raising prices for their Magic Kingdom Park in Florida, to $99 for a single day pass. Gosh, for the cost of taking a family of four, you could almost buy a bleacher seat at Yankee Stadium.
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A recent AP poll of Americans found that while 48% were against letting airline passengers make inflight cellphone calls, amongst those who’d flown at least 4 times in the last year, the opposition rate was 78%. Those other 22% are no doubt the reason most of us are so against the idea.
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Number one response across America this morning to CNN’s announcement of their cancellation of Piers Morgan’s prime time show. “Piers Morgan HAD a prime time show?
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NASCAR musings.
From T.C. “Kazakhstan finished last in the medal count with 1 bronze at Sochi. Richard Petty said they would have won it all if no one else showed up.”
From Gary M. “Richard Petty has accepted Tony Stewart’s challenge to race Danica Patrick. At 76, it’ll be interesting to see what wears out first: Richard or his turn signal.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Alec Baldwin jokes, combine jokes, Darwin jokes, fast food jokes, Janice Hough, travel jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 24, 2014
It’s a big step that it now looks like we will have two openly gay male athletes play major US professional sports this year. The next big step – when we get to the point that such events aren’t even news.
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Jason Collins signed with the Nets and played tonight against the Lakers at Staples. If Brooklyn judges his play to be good enough, Jason should get a chance to be the first openly gay NBA player to play against a professional NBA team.
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So let’s start with the POSITIVES of having a gay player on your team. I’m sure my creative friends can make this a good list. 1. He might be the only teammate you can trust not to hit on your wife/girlfriend.
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So a supporter of Arizona’s bill allowing businesses to discriminate based on religious beliefs brought up the idea of a supermarket bakery worker not wanting to make a wedding cake for a gay couple. Leaving aside Jon Stewart’s brilliant question “What gay wedding has a supermarket cake?” why then should that worker not be able to ask if the bride and groom have had premarital relations? Or previously divorced? Etc. Because that could go against their religious beliefs too.
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CNN is going to end Piers Morgans’ show. “What a shame” said both of his viewers.
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Canada won men’s hockey gold in a game that started at 7am Toronto time. Does the city have someone chaperoning Rob Ford?
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I think a requirement for any American who professes to be upset by Canada’s hockey wins should be to name at least try NHL players. Current ones.
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The USA women’s hockey collapse against Canada was embarrassing. But in the long run suppose less embarrassing than being shut out for the last two games….
Sigh. Shows like Downton Abbey have their season flash by in an instant and stuff like “Keeping up with the Kardashians” apparently never ends? #qualitynotquantity
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The Daytona 500 was delayed several hours due to heavy rain. Sounds like Mother Nature is saying “Don’t gloat about this winter so fast, Florida.”
13 car crash on lap 146 of 200 Daytona. For millions of Americans, finally a reason to watch the race highlights on Sportscenter.
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Half expected when the race was over to have Fox interrupt with historic breaking news of the second Daytona 500 winner in a single day.
(during the rain delay, they showed the 2013 race on Fox. Someone at Fox News thought it was for 2014. And announced the winner again accordingly.)
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Non-US carriers are different. ANA made a apologetic announcement today at the airport that boarding would be delayed due to cabin preparation. By FIVE minutes. And the guy sounded really sorry.
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Zack Greinke, on the Dodgers and Dbacks opening the MLB season in Australia “I would say there is absolutely zero excitement for it. There just isn’t any excitement to it. I can’t think of one reason to be excited for it.” I am thinking the league will quickly remind him of million$ of rea$on$ to be excited by it.
Justin Bieber, unhappy about the “Loser gets Bieber” billboard about the US vs. Canada hockey, tweeted. “I guess I’m an easy target for some. I’m still human. I will continue to meet hate with love. It’s all about the music. Much love” Uh, Justin, if you WERE all about the music, millions of Americans wouldn’t be so eager to send you back.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Canada jokes, Daytona 500 jokes, gay basketball player jokes, Janice Hough, Jason Collins jokes, Nets jokes, Olympics jokes, USA hockey jokes
Comments: 8 Comments
February 23, 2014
USA hockey reaction after today: “Bummer that we didn’t get a medal.” Russia hockey reaction: “how the bleep did we lose to these guys?”
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Alas, “Do you believe in Miracles?” has become “Do you believe in not being good enough for a Bronze Medal?”
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Team USA speed skating strategy for next Olympics? Expedited citizenship for more Dutch applicants.
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The Sochi Olympics are almost over. And March Madness is just around the corner. So most Americans can soon go from cheering for sports they’ve never cared about before, to cheering for teams they’ve never cared about before. #bracketology
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The NFL is apparently going to institute penalties for racial slurs. 15 yards for the first offense, and ejection for the second. So what will constitute a “racial slur?” Are players going to get a manual of words? And what about “Redskins?”
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Easter this year is 4 20. This is an advance warning to children in Colorado and Washington: Hide those chocolate bunnies from mom and dad.
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While the 49ers appear to have been talking to the Browns about a deal to send Jim Harbaugh to Cleveland, the coach appears to have vetoed the deal. So now we know the answer, yes there are some challenges too big even for Harbaugh’s ego.
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In Austin, a woman jogger was arrested for jaywalking and not having ID . Bummer. Had she only been armed she could have proved Texas residency
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A Duke University freshman who was outed as a porn star is defending her occupation as something she enjoys and more than pays her college expenses. Maybe the young woman should go into politics. At least her screwing people for money is providing some value.
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All that weight Pablo Sandoval lost, I think we just found some of it: Yasiel Puig showed up to Dodgers training camp weighing 251 pounds, 26 more than in 2013.
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NFL rules kept Jadeveon Clowney from entering the draft last year, and the DE said “Because I came off a great season. If it was a chance, I probably would have. “But right now, it’s over with. I had to stay a third year. I did what I had to do, took care of business with my team…”
Uh, considering how underwhelming his 2013 season was, wonder how motivated Clowney will be once he has $$$? (I still predict, he’ll be a bigger distraction for his team than Michael Sam.)
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NFL jokes, Olympic jokes, Sochi jokes, USA hockey jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 21, 2014
Ok, this could be fun. Tony Stewart, defending his driver Danica Patrick against Richard Petty, 76, who asserted that the only way she could win a Sprint Cup race is if no one else were on the track: “I think a race would settle it once and for all. I will supply the cars. I’ll make sure they have exactly the same setup in the car and give him the chance
Johnny Manziel “I feel like I play like I’m 10 feet tall.” That kind of cockiness is no doubt to inspire several defensive ends and linebackers to try to put him 6 feet under.
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The Arizona legislature has passed a bill allowing individuals to use religious beliefs as a defense against a lawsuit And of course, it would allow bigots not to serve gays and lesbians. But doesn’t it equally mean that gays, lesbians and Christians who believe we are all God’s children could refuse to serve bigots?
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Crooks are stupid item of the day: A California man was arrested when he went to the police to report he had been the victim of a hit-and-run. And the police recognized him and his car from surveillance videos from three recent robberies.
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Congratulations to Canada on their gold medal in men’s curling. Maybe a nation with strong gun control laws needs to get really good at throwing rocks?
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One of this year’s Olympic oxymorons: U.S. Speedskaters
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The situation in the Ukraine is bad enough that Putin may soon be telling Olympic reporters “Why don’t you ask me about gay rights?
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Have to love it. Ashley Wagner, who had a fall-plagued skate at US nationals and was named to Team USA based on her past record over a woman who skated better, is now complaining about the judging in the Olympics, claiming that higher scores were awarded based on reputation and favoritism. #irony
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Ok. I guess most Americans can now stop pretending to care about Hockey for another four years.
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Apparently angry parents who took their kids to see Miley Cyrus are calling to complain about too much sexual innuendo in her concerts. Uh, did any of these people see or read about the MTV awards before buying tickets?
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Michele Bachman told an interviewer that she thought many Americans “aren’t ready” for a female president. Uh, Michele, maybe they just aren’t ready for YOU to be president.
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So long, farewell. Auf wiedersehen, good bye. Maria Agatha Franziska Gobertina von Trapp, the second oldest and last surviving child of the Trapp family, (Louisa in the Sound of Music) died last week at 99. Let’s hope it wasn’t that NBC remake that killed her.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Arizona jokes, Janice Hough, Nascar jokes, Olympic jokes, Sochi jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 20, 2014
The USPS has announced a new Steve Jobs postage stamp for 2015. Actually presume it will be a series of stamps, each one getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller….
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Considering how the figure skaters are doing relative to the hockey team, Vladimir Putin may have to rethink support for gays in Russia.
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For starters, however, how fabulous would the ratings be if we could only get Johnny Weir to do an on-air Olympic interview of Putin?
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Although with all the newfangled events in the Olympics suppose it’s good to see some traditionalism – like controversy with the women’s figure skating scores.
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German figure skater Nathalie Weinzierl had a rough free skate performance skating to “Rhapsody in Blue.” Maybe if you are trying to achieve perfection not a great idea to use the music of United Airlines?
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President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper bet cases of beer on the USA-Canada hockey games. Guess they didn’t want to wager with some real stakes. Like with a USA win we send back Bieber and with a Canada win they send us Rob Ford?
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Guess what. The prevent defense doesn’t work well in hockey either. #USAvsCAN #Sochi2014
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Wonder if the USA Women’s hockey team got a post-game phone call from Bill Buckner?
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Actually, for hockey afficionados Bill Littlejohn has a better line,” the team has just been made honorary Toronto Maple Leafs.”
(for non-hockey fans who are curious, google “leafs” “bruins” “game 7.”)
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Kobe Bryant says he’s “not cool” that the Lakers shipped Steve Blake to the Warriors. Of course, wonder how many Lakers fans are “not cool” with Los Angeles spending $30 million this year on Kobe.
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Police say that during an argument at a casino in Atlantic City, Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice knocked his fiancee unconscious. Bet no one’s doing a poll of NFL players to see if they’d feel comfortable with HIM in their locker room..
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At a NJ Town Hall today, Chris Christie blamed Superstorm Sandy recovery problems on the Obama administration, saying “I’m not the king of New Jersey. I’m just the governor.” Well, duh, if Christie were king he would have had those responsible for exposing the Bridgegate scandal beheaded.’
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Ted Cruz, after Ted Nugent called Obama a “subhuman mongrel” said he didn’t share Nugent’s views but “there’s a reason… people listen to him. He has been fighting passionately for Second Amendment rights . And this administration has demonstrated an incredible hostility to the Second Amendment rights of law abiding citizens.” Ah, so passion justifies all speech? How did I miss Cruz’s defense of Martin Bashir?
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The two men who beat up Bryan Stow were only sentenced to 8 and 4 years respectively. Which for one of them will be barely more than time served. Wonder how much time someone might get for beating them up in prison?
Bus to Hell time. Regarding the men who pleaded guilty to attacking Bryan Stow, and who will be out of jail soon. Couldn’t the judge make a condition of their eventual parole be visiting Florida while wearing hoodies?
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President Obama sent an apology to an art history professor for saying “folks can make a lot more potentially with skilled manufacturing or the trades than they might with an art history degree.’ Now Marco Rubio has tweeted “Pathetic Obama apology to art history prof. We do need more degrees that lead to jobs.” What, like Rubio’s own undergraduate degree in political science?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: hockey jokes, Janice Hough, Olympic jokes, Putin jokes, russia jokes, Sochi jokes, Steve Jobs jokes, United Airlines jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
February 20, 2014
This just in from Sochi. President Putin has announced that all bomb-sniffing dogs for the remainder of the Olympics will be replaced by the Russian men’s hockey team.
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But give Putin time. Maybe he can blame this on Obama.
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A West Virginia Pizza Hut has been shut by the authorities after a surveillance video showed a manager peeing into a sink. So presume at Domino’s and Papa John’s, they’ve just updated the rules in their employee manuals?
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26% of Americans got this question wrong in a recent survey “Does the Earth go around the sun, or does the sun go around the Earth? Wonder how many of that 26% thought the whole question was silly, because of course they know the Earth goes around the moon.
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In Chandler, police are deciding whether or not to charge a man who fatally shot an unarmed man during a fight that started with an argument at a Walmart service counter. The shooter is claiming self-defense. What, is Arizona jealous that Florida’s getting all the headlines?
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A Seattle burglar who was still in the apartment when police showed up implied to police he had taken LSD but also told them he was Jack Bauer of “24.” Presume the cops’ first clue was when the thief said he had broken in between 900a and 1000a.
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Washington TE Fred Davis today was suspended indefinitely for violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Apparently the substance was marijuana. Makes sense, no one watching the Redskins play last year would believe any of them used performance enhancing drugs.
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Louisville coach Rick Pitino banned his players from tweeting, and would prefer they don’t use any other social media either “I’m trying to get our players to read more, pay attention to important things.” Of course if players are spending all their spare time with social media they won’t have time to have affairs with say, equipment manager’s wives….
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Remember Bonnie Blair? Hey, whatever happened to speedskating anyway? Didn’t it used to be a Olympic Prime Time Sport? #sarcasm
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The company behind #CandyCrush” has filed for an IPO. Will their opening price be known as “Level 1?:
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The Los Angeles Lakers traded Steve Blake to the Golden State Warriors tonight. That’s perhaps less of a surprising story than the idea that Blake had to think “Thank God I’m going to a playoff team.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: hockey jokes, Janice Hough, Olympic hockey jokes, Putin jokes, Russian hockey team jokes, Sochi jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
February 19, 2014
If it’s all about ratings, why don’t they have an Olympic snowboard event with medals for the most spectacular wipeouts?
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Many baby boomers have come full circle. From begging their parents to stay up to watch “The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson. To trying to stay up to watch “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.”
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Norwegian mass killer Anders Behring Breivik, convicted of killing 8 people in a 2011 bombing and fatally shooting 69 more at a youth camp, says if he doesn’t get better video games, a sofa and a larger gym, he will go on a hunger strike until his demands are met or he dies. Uh, and the problem here is…?
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Some boxes of Hot Pockets were recalled after their maker said they found some of the sandwich meat came from the Northern California slaughterhouse that was closed this month during a federal investigation into unsanitary meat. Shocking! Hot Pockets contain meat?
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Simon Cowell says he is “giddy” over his new baby boy. Of course this is the man who once said “I only put myself in a situation where I know I am confident in what I am talking about.” Give the new dad about 13 years….
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Both the top Canadian and U.S. ice dancing teams use the same coach, and after the competition silver medalists Tessa Virtue & Scott Moir complained that they felt sometime she “wasn’t in their corner.” What are the couple trying to do – whine enough to be made honorary Americans.
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Apparently LeBron James is amongst a group of players lobbying for a longer NBA All-Star break, so the All-Stars themselves “enjoy some semblance of respite from the grind of the (82 game) regular season.” And MLB players are just giggling.
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The Clowns of America president says that membership numbers are plummeting because the younger generation isn’t going into the profession, and that the country may be facing a clown shortage. Well, we can always borrow some from Congress.
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Falcons wide receiver Roddy White was arrested and briefly jailed near Atlanta this am for failing to appear in court on a ticket for illegally tinted windows. Two things. Isn’t your posse supposed to take care of those details? And don’t Georgia police have anything better to do?
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Tonight’s men’s basketball game between # 15 Iowa and Indiana was postponed when a piece of metal fell from the ceiling at the Assembly Hall in Bloomington. The antithesis of “raise the roof?”
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In jailhouse recordings just released, Michael Dunn, the shooter in the “loud music” case is heard telling his fiancee: “I’m the f—–g victim here. I was the one who was victimized. I’m the victor but I was the victim too.” Even George Zimmerman is beginning to think this guy is an a**hole.
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On the other hand, forget #CelebrityBoxing, can we match up #GeorgeZimmerman and #MichaelDunn in a real life version of the #HungerGames?
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #sochi2014, Janice Hough, Jimmy Fallon jokes, Michael Dunn jokes, Olympics jokes, Sochi jokes, Tonight show jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 18, 2014
Those Ralph Lauren limited-edition Team USA sweaters, originally $595, are now selling for THOUSANDS on Ebay. Sounds like some folks are getting very expensive Christmas sweaters to put at the back of their closets.
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Wonder how many people watched the Russian ice dancers skate to Swan Lake and thought “Cool, they’re using the music from Billy Elliott.”
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The U.S. two man bobsled had not won a medal in 62 years. Or as Cubs fans call that “Only Yesterday.” #BMWBobsled
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Johnny Manziel, saying that Russell Wilson is proof that shorter QBs can succeed in the NFL – “I think he’s kicked the door wide open.” And Doug Flutie and Drew Brees are just giggling.
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So a hijacked Ethopian Airlines plane ended up landing in Geneva instead of Rome. No reported injuries, but many passengers on board no doubt have one very important question – “Does the detour mean I get extra frequent flier miles?”
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Paris Hilton had a major wardrobe malfunction at the 33rd birthday party bash she threw for herself Saturday, when she showed the world she was going commando with an overly slit dress. Or maybe Paris is just trying to take some headlines back from Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus?
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The Downton Abbey US season finale is NEXT WEEK?! #toosoon
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Not the Onion: In Georgia, some legislators are pushing for a law that would allow licensed gun-owners to avoid arrest if they accidentally bring their firearms to the airport and into security lines. Two questions: “What could possibly go wrong?” And “How did they beat Florida to it?”
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George Zimmerman told CNN “I’d like to to continue my education and hopefully become an attorney.” So much for anyone who said it’s not possible for the legal profession to have a worse reputation.
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A “number” of passengers and three crew members were injured today when a United Airlines flight from Denver to Billings encountered “severe” turbulence. Coming soon, a “premium seat belt” for a fee?
(Or as Bill D. says, “an E ticket fee?”)
From my friend comedy writer Jerry Perisho “Good news. Simon Cowell’s milk came in.”
(I’m wondering, does that mean Simon will soon be wearing a black nursing t-shirt?)
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From T.C. “Some of the stray Russian dogs are being adopted by the visiting Olympic athletes. One American is arranging to bring one home and has already named it “Sochi”. A British guy wants to adopt one as well. Name? “Eddie the Beagle” of course.”
(My Bus to Hell thought. Probably a good thing for the dogs that there are no Vietnamese athletes at these games.)
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: bobsled jokes, Downton Abbey jokes, Florida jokes, ice dancing jokes, Janice Hough, Olympic jokes, Sochi jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 17, 2014
Life is so stressful for winter visitors in California….
Okay, before this Olympics, who in America had ever heard the word “twizzles?”
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And maybe you have to be of the original Star Trek generation. Although anyone but me waiting for the headline “The trouble with Twizzles?”
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In his reality show “Snake Salvation,” Jamie Coots, a Pentecostal preacher, said that he believed that a Bible passage in the Bible meant poisonous snakebites will not harm believers as long as they are anointed by God. Coots died last night, of a snakebite. So guessing he was either wrong about the Bible, or wrong about being anointed.
(As my friend Melodi says – give that man a Darwin, except he probably didn’t believe in Darwin either.)
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NBA All-Star game today. A lot of showboating and not much defense. In other words, pretty much like the regular season.
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The Powerball jackpot is back up to $400 million. Although most Americans are much less likely to win than they are to be struck by a car while walking and daydreaming about their potential winnings.
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A different thought about the “loud music” shooting in Florida: The easy availabilty of guns doesn’t just mean too many people are armed, it means it’s easy for people to claim they think everyone else is also armed.
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Mitt Romney, disagreeing with Rand Paul about a possible Hillary Clinton run: “I don’t imagine that Bill Clinton is going to be a big part of it” Uh, maybe because Mitt is smart enough to know the GOP doesn’t want to remind people of what many Americans now consider eight overall very good years?
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Forty degrees and sunny for the cross-country skiing relay today in Sochi? Heck, that”s warmer weather than most Candlestick Park night baseball games.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Darwin Award jokes, Janice Hough, Olympic jokes, pier 39 sea lions, Sochi jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 16, 2014
Very cute Carnival Cruise lines Olympic commercial featuring kids and a waterslide about the team that “just met yesterday.” Wonder how many people can read the small print “Unless you are a professional bobsledder only one person may go down the slide at a time.”
Three one thousandth of a second was the difference today in the 1500 meters men’s speed skating event. Men think “Wow!” And women think, “I’ve known men who’ve lasted less than that.”
Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, defending his decision to allow a debt-ceiling vote. “I believe I have to act in the best interest of the country.” And he said it with a straight face.
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Sad news. John Henson, 48, who followed his late father into puppetry, has died of a heart attack. Jim Henson was only 53 when he died. Hope this doesn’t mean Muppets are hazardous to your health.
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USA men’s hockey wins in a shoot out. USA Women’s curling elminated after they fall just short of an extra end. And millions of people are thinking “I have no idea what either of those sentences mean.”
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Curling would be a lot more fun to watch if they could run the competition simultaneously on the ice with figure skating. #demolitionderby
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Just thinking that “do you believe in miracles?” call wouldn’t have been the same with a shootout.
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So it’s not the suits? What will the U.S. Speedskating team blame next?
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Roger Goodell made $44.2 million last year. Could you imagine how much he would have made if he weren’t working as the head of a nonprofit?
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The military says they now have a pizza for soldiers that can stay on the shelf for as long as three years and still remain edible. Did they just borrow the recipe from Domino’s?
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A Northern California Radio Shack was robbed at gunpoint this week. Shocking! There’s anything at a Radio Shack crooks think is worth stealing?
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So to sum up, a white guy in Florida opened fire on a SUV with four black teenagers inside because he felt “threatened” after an argument that he started by complaining about their music. (The teenagers were unarmed.) And a jury says he’s guilty of trying to murder the kids he missed, but not guilty of murdering the kid he actually shot?
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George Zimmerman just told an interviewer: “I suffer from PTSD.” I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.
A top South Korean speed skater decided to move and switch his allegiance to Russia in order to improve his medal changes in Sochi. Hmm. Think we can convince Justin Bieber that his best chance of another Grammy is to move back to Canada?
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From Marc Ragovin. ” Actress Ellen Page has announced that she is gay. Well there goes her NFL career.”
(of course, for nervous men, Page could be the perfect locker room reporter.)
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, hockey jokes, Olympic jokes, Olympics jokes, Sochi jokes, Team USA jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 15, 2014
Fox News hosts were apparently mocking Facebook’s decision to provide users with over 50 new options for their gender, other than simply “male” or “female.” That’s not nice. Considering that several of those options were probably designed to give choices to Ann Coulter.
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Vladimir Putin visited Team USA headquarters yesterday, though did not meet with any of the men’s slopestyler medalists. Maybe he’d been told to “leave the children alone.”
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So who knew men’s figure skating was going to turn into short track speed skating? #sochi14 #crashes
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Nice job by the U.S. men’s slopestyling team. But even the Chinese women gymnasts are thinking “Those boys are YOUNG.”
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From Marc Ragovin “I think Hansen won the Slopestyle Skiing competition yesterday”
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The U.S. speedskating team is switching uniforms, blaming the new suits they brought to Sochi for their so-far lackluster Olympic performance. Hmm, wonder if the Denver Broncos had new uniforms for the Super Bowl?
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Tom Perkins said yesterday that only taxpayers should vote (has he thought that even children pay sales tax..?) He added that those who pay more should get more votes. “You pay a million dollars in taxes you get a million votes.” I think we’re discovering the answer to a question. “What happens when “affuenza” meets dementia?
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On Valentine’s Day, hope all men who valued their health remembered those three little words that mean so much to women: “Where’s my chocolate?”
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Oops. A Groupon promotion today offered $10 off any Groupon deal of $40 or more in honor of President Alexander Hamilton, who’s on the $10 bill. But millions of Americans said, “and your point is?
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Nothing against Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera but didn’t it used to be possible to retire without taking a victory lap?
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Meanwhile, wonder if at this point Roger Goodell is wishing the Saints put out a bounty on Richie Incognito?
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Carmelo Anthony says he is willing to accept less money to re-sign with the Knicks. Maybe it’s about getting more free agents. Or maybe Melo just really doesn’t like playoff pressure.
Last year, Newark Airport finished dead last in the U.S., with 70% of flights arriving on time. And regular Newark fliers responded “How dd they over-inflate those results?”
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Actress Ellen Page, who in Juno played a pregnant girl who decided to give her baby up for adoption, has come out as gay. And conservative Republicans immediately responded “Exactly, adoption is the option that all gay women who get pregnant should choose….. Oops, never mind.”
From Bill Littlejohn: “Recently, Japan’s Olympic womens hockey team scored its first goal in 16 years.Boy, and you thought California was in a drought”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ellen page jokes, Fox jokes, Janice Hough, Olympics jokes, Putin jokes, russia jokes, Sochi jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 14, 2014
Most bizarre Olympic sign-off ever? Matt Lauer last nightt – “Bob, get back soon. I’m running out of clothes.” (Guess the stores in Sochi weren’t ready for Olympic crowds either?)
So are you a true Olympics fan if you only watch short track speed skating for the crashes? #Sochi2014
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For a fundraiser to rebuild an ice rink Torvill and Dean returned to Sarajevo today to recreate their legendary perfect 10 “Bolero” routine from the 1984 Olympics. The couple still has it, even if they do presumably skate around the rink with their left blinkers on.
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New USA Olympic motto: TGFX – Thank God For XGames
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Russian skating star Evgeni Plushenko’s. 31, withdrew from the Olympics and retired after he was unable to perform some jumps in warmups before the short program. Wonder how many judges still scored him highest?
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Jadeveon Clowney said he might have stayed at South Carolina for another year if he were paid for being a college athlete. Wonder how many other college football players are thinking “Dude, you went to the wrong school?”
Got to love all these small-government types screaming during snowstorms that the roads aren’t plowed fast enough.
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Can we nominate Dale Hansen for Texan of the Year? (If you don’t recognize the name, Google him.)
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PayPal’s president apparently sent an email to employees chastising them for not using the PayPal app. Maybe they know something we don’t?
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A proposed new NCAA college football rule change would slow down hurry-up offenses, by not allowing teams to snap the ball with more than 29 seconds left on the 40-second clock. Ostensibly to help prevent defensive injuries. Or it might just be because most of the SEC, including Alabama, don’t run the hurry-up offense.
(And I am sure it’s just a coincidence that Nick Saban, not on the rules committee, made a special request to speak in favor of the rule to the committee..)
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A federal appeals court struck down California’s law forbidding citizens from carrying concealed weapons in public. On a brighter note, this may cut down on people daring to text in California movie theaters.
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Comcast is buying Time Warner Cable for $45 billion. I guess it’s part of their grand plan to create the worst company for customer service ever. (Next stop, buying an airline?)
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Who would ever think that the Comcast-Time Warner merger won’t be great for consumers. Why, we all know how wonderful airline mergers have made things for travelers….
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San Francisco area health officials are warning that BART riders may have been exposed to the measles after a UC Berkeley student with the disease rode BART to and from class last week. Of course, with airline change fees of $200 and up, wonder how much crap fliers get exposed to regularly from passengers who don’t want to spend the money to postpone their trips?
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As my friend Linda commented about the U.S. Olympic success in X-Games type competition. “we’re really good at games we invent.” So, friends and readers, what other events should the USA invent for future Olympics to increase our medal count?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: comcast jokes, Janice Hough, Olympic jokes, Olympics jokes, snow jokes, snowboard jokes, Sochi jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
February 12, 2014
Not the Onion: Thousands of prospective freshmen got an erroneous email this week telling them they had been admitted, and the college had to quickly send an apology email telling them of the mistake. Yeah, technology can be a b*tch. Especially for a school like…. MIT.
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Not saying the USA has had an overall lousy Wednesday in Sochi, but except for women’s halfpipe, NBC in their quest to show American medals had to be thinking about giving updates from the Westminster dog show.
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As the halfpipe becomes increasingly complicated and trendy sport, what’s next? Someone doing a trick on the board while texting at the same time?
In Kentucky at the National Corvette Museum, eight Corvettes fell into a sinkhole. “That’s kind of a shame”, thought millions of American women. “Are you kidding, it’s a TRAGEDY”, thought millions of American men.
Sixteen people were stuck for over three hours on the “Cheetah Hunt” roller coaster at Busch Gardens in Tampa after the coaster stopped functioning. If only they had been armed.
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Former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin has been convicted on 20 of 21 counts of conspiracy and bribery. Well, he did violate Louisiana’s 11th commandment -“Thou shalt not be stupid enough to get caught.”
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Derek Jeter just announced 2014 will be his last year playing professional baseball. Does that mean after the season Jeter will ask for a trade to the Mets?
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In Jay Leno’s 22 years on the Tonight Show, he taped 4610 shows. More than Johnny Carson who taped 4531 shows in 22 years. So we weren’t imagining it when we thought Johnny took a lot of vacations.
What East Coast bias? All it took was a massive snowstorm postponing the Duke-NC men’s basketball game for ESPN to show Stanford-Washington on TV.
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Madame Tussaud’s has removed their New York Justin Bieber figure because too many young fans were touching and groping the statue. The museum said “Hopefully we can welcome a new ‘grown-up’ Justin back to the attraction in the near future.” Uh, forget the museum, how about welcoming a new “grown up” Justin to the real world.
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Obamacare has beaten their monthly health insurance enrollment target for the first time, with more than 1.14 million people signed up in January. Time for the GOP to focus on gay marriage and marijuana laws again.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bieber jokes, halfpipe jokes, Janice Hough, Jeter jokes, Olympics jokes, Team USA jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 12, 2014
More on the showering with a gay teammate issue. What is it about some straight men that makes them think all gay men would find them attractive? I suppose the same thing that makes some men think all women find them attractive.
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New Orleans Saints LB Jonathan Vilma, who originally made what seemed like homophobic comments about showering with a gay teammate, now has given a long convoluted apology. Translation – someone probably got a call from pro-gay rights QB – and team captain – Drew Brees.
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Shirley Temple has passed away. And millions of younger Americans wonder why her parents named her after a drink.
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So at least for now we lose the only real live drama of NBC’s primetime Olympics show – Just how much weirder looking could poor Bob Costas get with his pink eye infection? Costa sat out at least Tuesday’s coverage.
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NBC every night what they perceive to be the best for last with their primetime 8-11pm Olympic coverage. Which means that folks in the generation least likely to have seen the results online have probably been in bed for hours.
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Tuesday silver lining? Americans can stop pretending to care about halfpipe.
A “historic ice storm” is supposed to hit Atlanta and potentially leave many without power for days. So where are all those fire and brimstone types who like to blame natural disasters on God’s wrath when those disasters happen to Red states?
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Hundreds of flights are being cancelled this week in Charlotte, Dallas and Atlanta due to the latest storm. Looks like if the NFL decides to avoid cold weather cities for future Super Bowls they’re going to have to expand the blacklist.
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If NBC broadcast the Super Bowl guess we would have seen brief tape-delayed highlights of the game between 8p-11p, sandwiched between commercials and human interest stories about Peyton Manning and Richard Sherman?
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Mark Adams, IOC spokesman, regarding complaints about the halfpipe, which some athletes called “sand and mush.” “There is no problem at all with the halfpipe itself, it is just that these are dynamic living fields of play.” “Dynamic living fields of play?” And officials at Candlestick Park are going “Why didn’t we think of that?”
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Well, at least some in the GOP are consistent. Florida Governor Rick Scott, asked directly if he supported an increase in the minimum wage. “If the President really cared about people making minimum wage he’d repeal Obamacare.”
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An explosion at a Pakistan porn movie theater killed 11 and injured 30. No word on how many of the men hospitalized will survive their wives finding out where they were.
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28 Republicans joined with Democrats in the House to pass a clean debt-limit bill today. I blame Obama.
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Georgia Governor Nathan Deal suggests that if power goes out throughout the state, residents should “read a book.” And Georgians under 25 responded “What’s a book?
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Closing this blog on a sad note. Just heard of the passing of Keith Hillyard suddenly of a heart attack on January 21. I never met Keith, he was a retired DJ in New Mexico, but he liked my jokes and read my blog regularly. . And a few times a year he’d add a comment, often something funny.
On January 20, he sent me the following. “With teams from Colorado and Washington in the Super Bowl, apparently they’re resurrecting the “Weed Eater” Bowl.”
Keith was only 63, and apparently a serious Denver Broncos fan. At least he lived before having to watch this year’s game..
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Michael Sam jokes, NBC jokes, Olympic jokes, Olympics jokes, Shirley Temple jokes, Team USA jokes
Comments: 12 Comments
February 10, 2014
What’s the big deal? NFL players have been showering with rapists, adulterers, potential murderers and at least one dog-killer. And a gay guy is supposed to freak them out?
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Another reason to congratulate Michael Sam. He helped knock A-Rod out of the sports headlines.
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Forget these anonymous wimps saying it would be a problem. If some current NFL player wants to show real courage, perhaps it’s time to stand up and show Michael Sam that he won’t be the first openly gay guy in the league.
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As if we needed more proof that women are tougher than men: Female athletes have been showering with openly gay teammates and competitors for decades and surviving just fine.
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And of course we all knew the NFL completely fell apart once they allowed women reporters in the locker room. Oops, never mind. #Michaelsam #getoverit
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Going out on a limb here and saying that Jadeveon Clowney will eventually prove to be more of a distraction in an NFL locker room than Michael Sam.
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And the whole thing brings to mind the 2010 interview when Willie Mays, then 79 years old, was asked if baseball was ready for an openly gay player. His three word response “Can he hit?”
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Reportedly Arnold Schwarzenegger is thinking about challenging the Constitution and trying to run for President in 2016. Leaving the issue of his birthplace again, Arnold couldn’t even be re-elected as Governor of California.
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Okay, this is the gold medal story to disprove the axiom that one should never rejoice in the deaths of others. 21 Iraqis were killed today during an accident at a training camp for suicide bombers.
As T.C. says “class dismissed.”
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Those Christmas sweater Team USA uniforms have sold out online. At $595 for the sweater alone. Guess H.L. Mencken once again has been proved right. “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
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Olympics t-shirt I want to see. “Curlers get their rocks off.”
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The individual events haven’t even begun yet and there’s already controversy in figure skating, first with allegations of a conspiracy between the Russian and US judges, and then amazingly high scores given to local favorite Evgeni Plushenko’s performance on Sunday. Well, at least the sport is already in mid-Olympic form.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: football gay jokes, gay football player jokes, Janice Hough, Michael Sam jokes, NFL jokes, Olympic jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 10, 2014
Moron of the day award goes to the unnamed NFL player personnel assistant who said about Michael Sam’s coming out. “It’d chemically imbalance an NFL locker room and meeting room.” Right. Like a Missouri team that was 5-7 in 2012 was “chemically imbalanced” in 2013 enough to finish the year 10-2.
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Good for Michael Sam. Of course must be honest. Personally probably have less prejudice against a gay player than a player from the SEC.
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More kudos. To Michael Sam’s Missouri teammates. Sounds like they were supportive but whatever their feelings, none of them let anything slip to the media. #teamwork
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In honor of #MichaelSam will an Olympic male figure skater come out as straight?
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Russian speedskater Olga Graf won a bronze in the 3000 metres. Exhausted, hot and excited after her race, she unzipped her suit down to her waist – forgetting she didn’t have anything on underneath. Graf quickly rezipped the suit before she completely flashed the crowd. But have to think ratings may go up for her next race.
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Another Gold for the US in slopeside. It’s sort of like the World Cup, where most Americans will decide to care about the sport for a millesecond. Except that this time we are winning.
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Nothing against team ice skating. But can someone explain to me how it serves any purpose at all other than increasing Olympic television ratings?
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Oklahoma State basketball star Marcus Smart shoved a fan courtside who allegedly called him a racial slur. Smart, 19, has had off court issues and probably needs at least some anger management counseling. But he’s a teenager. Thinking a middle aged white guy should know better. Just because we have free speech doesn’t mean you have to be an a**hole.
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Nice to know the US doesn’t have a monopoly on hypocrisy. Mark Harper, British immigration minister, was behind a “go home’ campaign for illegal immigrants last year. He resigned after he allegedly just learned his housekeeper didn’t have papers to be in the country.
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V.P. Joe Biden recently compared La Guardia airport to what one might find “in a third world country.” Prompting demands for an apology – from third world countries.
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When your first plane pulls in 10 minutes early, you are one of first people off, walk quickly without a stop to your connecting flight and boarding is almost finished, United just MIGHT be over optimistic on their minimum connecting time. #notsofriendly
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: football jokes, Janice Hough, Marcus Smart jokes, Michael Sam jokes, Olympic jokes, slopeside jokes, USA jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 