Posted tagged ‘March madness jokes’
March 22, 2014
The way today this tournament is going people winning their bracket pools probably did the equivalent of the lottery Quick Picks.
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And after the first two rounds of March Madness, a whole lot of folks changed their retirement plan from the bracket challenge to buying lottery tickets.
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Forget Buffett’s billion dollar challenge. It should be worth at least a million to whoever had Tennessee meeting Mercer on Sunday.
Watching the crazy end of the VCU – SFA game, okay, I am not a coach, but think the ONLY thing you would tell players with a four point lead is don’t foul on a three point shot at the buzzer.
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It should be a March Madness rule that if you picked an upset like Mercer over Duke you should at least know in which state your team is located.
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Sports fans who normally stick to the NBA have to be wondering? When did they suddenly start letting all these white guys play basketball?
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Kobe Bryant told an interview he thought President Obama could play for the Lakers. “That’s not a diss at the current roster that we have, but more of a sign of respect of the skill that the president possesses.” And Kobe said the first part of that sentence with a straight face.
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In Turkey, users are apparently circumventing a Twitter ban after Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened to “rip out the roots” of the website. Uh, for starters it might have helped if the PM knew websites don’t have roots.
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American Airlines is debuting new business class seats where the seatbelts will contain airbags. That’s in business. In coach the airline suggests passengers blow into and inflate their air sickness bags.
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At time of writing, late late night Friday or early Saturday morning in California, the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game has been delayed due to rain in Sydney. Maybe even God is not a big fan of moving MLB Opening Day a week early around the world to a cricket field.
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The NY Jets released Mark Sanchez today, and signed Michael Vick. The comedy gods taketh away but they also giveth.
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Our new travel agency United Airlines sales representative just called because she was unable to find our office. Turns out she is in Los Gatos, not Los Altos. Who does she think she is, a Southwest pilot?
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A federal judge today overturned that Michigan’s ban on same-sex marriage, saying the law violates the U.S. Constitution. Waiting for all the cheers from conservatives who say government should stay out of our lives.
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In Georgia. a man who is on trial for raping a woman he met in a CVS parking lot, is using the defense the sex had to be consensual ‘because of his charming personality and handsome features.” Well, if they convict this jerk those looks should serve him SO well in prison…..
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For a number of Jets fans, isn’t NY releasing Mark Sanchez and signing Michael Vick like your mom telling saying you don’t have to eat the broccoli but she’ll replace it with brussels sprouts?
Bus to hell moment brought to you by T.C. “A JetBlue flight went missing with sudden lost communication from the flight deck similar to the Malaysian Airlines plane. Investigators found it immediately though, it was still sitting on the tarmac 3 hrs after scheduled departure.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, baseball jokes, basketball jokes, bracket jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
March 20, 2014
Harvard and Cincinnati now have one thing in common. Neither of their men’s basketball teams will be attending class Friday.
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After #Marchmadness day 1 millions are rethinking their retirement plan from winning the #bracket challenge to winning #MegaMillions
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15 missed free throws by NC State in the second half. Even though they lost, the Wolfpack can probably expect a postgame phone call from Shaquille O’Neal.
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Nate Silver had #OhioState into the Sweet Sixteen. Guess he should stick to something easy, like politics. #MarchMadness #Dayton
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Considering how much time and energy many Americans spend on their brackets have to wonder if there’s a way to turn elections into a betting game – “November Madness?”
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Manhattan-Louisville. For millions of Americans its was the struggle between the thrill of watching a potential Cinderella and the agony of potentially destroying your brackets on opening night.
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Although, before the tournament started, Louisville coach Rick Pitino was whining about unfairness, as his #4 Cardinals are matched up against the #13 Manhattan Jaspers, who are coached in a similar style by former Pitino assistant Steve Masiello. Here’s a hint Rick, if you can’t beat ANY #13 seed, maybe you don’t want to be going up in later rounds against Duke, Michigan or Wichita State.
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The government of Peru has pleaded with tourists to stop streaking at Machu Picchu. Wonder how many will now stop? And how many will now get the idea?
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At a speech at Valencia College in Orlando, President Obama gave a speech saying that helping families includes “making sure every woman gets a fair shot.” Did he really want to use the “fair shot” metaphor in Florida?
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Singapore’s New Straits Times says that Malaysian officials believe Australia and the U.S. may be withholding data that could aid the search for the missing plane. So, yep, it took a while, but it’s now Obama’s fault.
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Unclear on the concept? A N.J. man apparently tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide, by shooting himself at a hospital emergency room.
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Rand Paul, speaking at Berkeley, said the GOP “needs to either evolve, adapt or die. Remember when Domino’s Pizza finally admitted they had bad crust? Think Republican Party. Admit it; bad crust.” And Chris Christie responded “Did somebody say pizza?”
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The Washington Post says that Malaysian Air chose not to buy an upgraded “Swift” system (which costs about $10 per flight)— that would have sent data about MH flight 370’s trajectory and position even with the transponder off. Upon hearing this most major U.S. airlines, which use the system, immediately added a “tracking fee.”
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So twisted readers, listening to our better angels, we shouldn’t picket Fred Phelps Sr’s funeral. But listening to our fun angels, if you did picket, what sign would you bring?
My friend Mark suggests “The devil wants his picket signs back.” Geoff suggests “God hates figs.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Fred Phelps jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes, NCAA tournament jokes, Westboro Baptist jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 20, 2014
New research indicates at sleep loss may cause permanent brain damage. Great, another thing to lie awake at night worrying about.
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Forget the bracket challenge. Maybe Warren Buffet should offer $1 billion to anyone who can find Malaysian Air flight 370.
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#CalPoly won their play in game, so they get to face Wichita State. Sort of like winning the Christians competition to face the Lions.#NCAA
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But for now Cal Poly, at 14-19, is still alive in the NCAA Tournament. Well, the Mustangs belong there at least as much as the 2014 Lakers belong in the NBA.
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Congrats to Cal Poly beating Texas Southern. But the announcers are saying “This is only the second time a 19 loss team has won a game in the NCAA tournament.” Uh, not exactly. They won a play-in game. It’s like winning a tie-breaker to get to be the wild card.
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Now that President Obama has made his Final Four picks many Republicans don’t know what to do first. Say the picks are wrong or say that as President he shouldn’t be spending time on basketball instead of running the country.
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But open note to any one complaining about President Obama spending a little free time following basketball brackets: it’s probably better than following interns.
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The Iowa men are heading home, losers of 7 of their last 8 games. On a brighter note, the Hawkeyes have just been named the official basketball team of origami
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NFL owners may vote on expanding the playoffs next week. Guess they’ve looked at the NHL and NBA and figured it’s not a fair system if the postseason excludes those really deserving teams under .500.
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New guidelines say almost half of Americans over 40 and most men over 60 qualify should consider cholesterol-lowering statins. Wonder if they’ll start giving away discount coupons for the drugs at Burger King and McDonald’s.
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The NY State Senate is proposing to allow slot machines at JFK and LaGuardia airports. As if betting on your flight actually taking off reasonably on time at those airports isn’t enough gambling.
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Soft drink and basketball fans will now be able to try a limited edition “Sprite 6 Mix by LeBron James, which willl be a mix of lemon-lime with cherry and orange. When can we expect a one-hour infomercial on how Sprite decided on those flavors?
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Scientists say that for the world as a whole, this winter was the eighth warmest on record. U.S. residents on the East Coast would have told them to STFU except that they were too busy with their snow shovels.
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Kiss and Def Leppard are teaming up for a 40th anniversary tour. The good thing for those who were hard core fans of the bands in their youth – their hearing is probably shot enough they won’t notice any decline in vocals.
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The NY Jets, who tired of the Tim Tebow circus, now apparently have tired of the Mark Sanchez circus and are trying to sign…. Michael Vick?! Don’t take down those tents too fast.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, bracket challenge jokes, bracket jokes, Cal Poly jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes, NY Jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 18, 2014
George Clooney apparently has taken his new girlfriend on a safari in Tanzania. So nice that he was able to find a tour company that offered jeeps with booster seats.
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The New Jersey teenager who moved out of the house and sued her parents for support, then moved back home, today dropped the lawsuit completely. Assuming she finds someone to put up with her, ought to be lots of fun when this young woman plans her wedding.
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The Arizona Diamondbacks have unveiled their latest concession item, a 18-inch corn dog stuffed with cheddar cheese, jalapenos and bacon. In related news Chris Christie just asked his aides to schedule a speech for him in Phoenix.
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For all those who have that “sure thing” feel about their brackets, remember when the only question about Tiger Woods passing Jack Nicklaus for wins in PGA majors was “when?”
One day of play-in games down. And Albany spared millions of Americans the trouble of figuring out “Where the heck is Mount St. Mary’s?”
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President Obama has joined all of ESPN’s pundits in picking #4 seed Michigan State into the Final Four. So either the seeding committee or a whole lot of experts are going to look pretty stupid.
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The Indianapolis Colts have announced that owner Jim Irsay has voluntarily checked into a “highly respected” rehab facility. Doesn’t “voluntarily” have an asterisk if you only do it when you get caught?
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A lawsuit filed yesterday by four former college athletes accuses the NCAA and its five biggest conferences of being an “illegal cartel.” Prompting immediate demands for an apology. From cartels.
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–Four University of Georgia football players were arrested for allegedly depositing their stipend checks on smart-phone banking apps, and then cashing the same checks at a store afterward. Let’s see, stipend checks WITH THEIR NAMES ON THEM? #smartphonesstupidpeople
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Maybe we should tell #Putin he can have #Crimea if he takes Florida too?
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New Knicks President Phil Jackson said at his first new conference that he looks forward to delivering a winner to New York. Well that’s guaranteed. Won’t the Knicks in 2014-15 have home games against the Pacers, Heat and Thunder?
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In Houston, a 27 year-old firefighter who had been partying on St Patrick’s Day tried to enter his neighbor’s house by mistake last night. The 64-year old woman, thinking he was an intruder, shot and killed him. If only the poor man had been armed.
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From Alex Kaseberg Now that Courtney Love has claimed she has found Malaysian flight 370, shouldn’t we put her to work finding Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart and the Los Angeles Lakers’ offence?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clooney jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes, New Jersey jokes, stupid crooks jokes
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March 18, 2014
Forget November 1. Isn’t the day after St. Patrick’s Day in the USA really the Day of the Dead?
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And yes, now that it’s the day after St. Patrick’s Day we get to see the true green of the holiday – the color that many people are this morning after maybe just a few whiskey and beers Monday night.
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So the biggest foreign holidays that Americans like to celebrate (St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo) both involve heavy drinking. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.
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Another day, another snowstorm in D.C. Maybe some in the GOP shouldn’t have said hell would freeze over before Obamacare was actually the law of the land.
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Has anyone asked #SarahPalin about the #MalaysiaAirlines plane? Maybe she can see it from her house?
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Rush Limbaugh on the Malaysian plane “Folks, I can’t handle the media on this. I literally cannot. It’s all “such a show.” And if anyone knows about “such a show,” it’s Rush Limbaugh.
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Seriously, one of the problems with all the Malaysian Airlines theories. If someone had put any of them into a potential screenplay it would have been rejected as too implausible.
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Former four-term Louisiana Gov. Edwin Edwards, who spent 8 years in prison for corruption will run for the House of Representatives. Spectacular! A candidate who’s done his prison time before he gets to Congress.
(And the extra-fun twist to this story is that a felony conviction makes Edwards ineligible to run for a federal office, but not a state one.)
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Chris Brown is in jail after being ejected from two rehab programs in the last five months. Although he may be free on April 23. This is all part of Los Angeles’ celebrity “twenty-seven strikes and you’re really out” program.
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Some at Villanova think the Philadelphia school should have had a #1 seed. On the brighter side, the Wildcats’ #2 seed is probably higher than the 76ers would have had.
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No one gives Stanford a chance against New Mexico on Friday. Especially as the Lobos haven’t lost in the NCAA tournament to a over-achieving nerd team since March of 2013.
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Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay was arrested for drunk driving last night. Guess it’s not just millionaire dumb jocks who need the lesson to just get a driver.
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Just thinking, if being an “activist” against the current regime and wearing a “Democracy is Dead” t-shirt is enough to put the Malaysia Air pilot under suspension, darn good thing no plane I was on disappeared when George W. Bush was president.
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From Alex Kaseberg: “Los Angeles had an earthquake. It was pretty bad, at the Los Angeles Lakers practice, it actually shook a ball into the basket.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Edwin Edwards jokes, Janice Hough, Malaysian plane jokes, March madness jokes, ncaa basketball jokes, St. Patrick's Day jokes
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March 16, 2014
Selection Sunday for March Madness. That glorious time of year when your heart can be broken by a team you didn’t know existed a few days ago.
St Patrick’s Day is Monday.. So wonder how many Americans will end up blaming their bracket mistakes on too much green beer?
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Selection Sunday! Where beyond the #1 seeds, the biggest drama is which bubble teams will complain bitterly that they just missed a #16 seed...
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There was a televised NIT selection show Sunday night. And if you knew that, you are probably just a bit over obsessed with brackets.
And if you watched the show and aren’t related to someone connected to an NIT team, you are probably more than a bit over obsessed.. (No, I didn’t watch, but saw it while flipping Direct TV channels on a plane.)
And if you are upset that your favorite team fell just short of the NIT tournament… well….
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Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps Sr. is reportedly near death. “What a shame” said absolutely positively nobody.
President Obama says the U.S. will not recognize the Crimean election. Will Putin counter that Russia allowed election observers sent by Kim Jong-Un?
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John McCain today – “Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country.” Guessing this eliminates all chance of the Senator being seated next to Vladimir Putin at a future White House state dinner.
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United announcement on plane today: ,”If San Francisco is not your final destination please come forward so we can get you on the correct plane.” No takers but uh, shouldn’t your boarding pass readers have caught that?
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A new Republican CNN poll shows the leader for the 2016 Presidential nomination is… Rand Paul?!. Which means somewhere Hillary Clinton might be starting her St. Patrick’s Day toasting early!
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In Palm Coast, Florida, an man drinking at a resort bar left and returned later in the evening dressed as Rambo, carrying an assault rifle and two hunting knifes. Two other bar patrons were able to subdue him and grab the gun, sustaining only minor knife injuries in the process. And the Rambo wanna-be is in custody. Your move, Arizona.
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Reality television star Kristin Cavallari says she will not get her son vaccinated because she’s “read too many books.” Shocking. Kristin reads books?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Kristien Cavallari jokes, March madness jokes, NIT jokes, Putin jokes, russia jokes, selection sunday jokes
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March 15, 2014
Mark Zuckerberg apparently has called President Obama to complain about the U.S. government’s surveillance program. Guess he believes collecting personal data on Americans should be left to the private sector.
John McCain said today that the USA providing long-term military assistance to Ukraine is “”the right and decent thing to do.” With all due respect, is there any trouble spot in the world where John McCain doesn’t think providing military assistance is the right thing to do?
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The Mega Millions jackpot is up to $400 million. The scary thing, as improbable as winning is, the odds are still better than for Warren Buffet’s $1 billion bracket challenge.
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Always seems a bit odd when they introduce NBA players as being from a certain university. When they were at said school for maybe a semester and a half.
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This tells you all you need to know about the NBA Eastern Conference: The Cleveland Cavaliers, 26-40, are only 3 1/2 games out of a playoff spot.
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Hell Freezing Over moment for the week. An athlete being honest about dollars: Steve Nash, responding to those who think he should walk away from the NBA ““The reality is, I’m not going to retire because I want the money.”
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Richard Sherman is now engaged in a Twitter battle with various other cornerbacks. Hard to imagine in retrospect him and Jim Harbaugh in the same locker room…. even harder to imagine anyone else at Stanford getting a word in edgewise.
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At this point there are more theories on what happened to that Malaysian plane than there are permutations for filling out March Madness brackets.
And I’m a “when you hear hoof beats think horses not zebras” kind of gal. But with this Malaysian Airlines plane story we’re running out of potential explanations that aren’t zebras.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, facebook jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, McCain jokes, spying jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 14, 2014
Sarah Palin is selling her ‘One Nation Tour’ bus for $279,000. Buyer beware – it’s a nice-looking rig, but apparently tends to stop halfway through a trip.
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The San Francisco 49ers have traded for Jonathan Martin. Now if they draft Michael Sam, coach Jim Harbaugh can pretty much guarantee all the reporters in training camp won’t be there to ask Colin Kaepernick about his disappointing performance in the 2013 playoffs.
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Geek jokes: In Colorado and Washington,will Saturday be national Pi day?
Regarding that billion dollar prize for picking the winners of every March Madness game, the odds of getting it right are apparently 1 in 9 quintillion Yes, curiously enough the same odds of the Cubs winning the World Series.
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A bride and groom heading to their honeymoon in Costa Rica got into a drunken fight on a Delta flight. It got bad enough that the pilot made an emergency landing on Grand Cayman, where the groom was taken into custody. The bride flew on to Costa Rica. Hoping their wedding guests have saved receipts for those presents.
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The San Francisco 49ers have traded for Jonathan Martin. Now if they draft Michael Sam, coach Jim Harbaugh can pretty much guarantee all the reporters in training camp won’t be there to ask Colin Kaepernick about his disappointing performance in the 2013 playoffs.
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Scott Brown announced he is thinking of running for the Senate race in New Hampshire against Jeanne Shaheen. Democratic speechwriters are calling GOP speechwriters to see if they can buy and recycle their Hilary Clinton carpetbagger jokes.
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The latest theory about Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 – that it could have landed on a remote Indian Ocean island. Whatever the final answer turns out to be, this whole situation has to be a major source of inspiration for novelists and screenwriters.
Apparently Phil Jackson is close to signing a deal to become president of the New York Knicks. Does his contract include Hazmat pay for attempting to clean up a toxic mess?
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Bus to hell moment: Darn shame Blockbuster is out of business. If one of those Malaysian Airlines passengers had an overdue movie they’d have found them by now.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, malaysian airlne lines, March madness jokes, NBA jokes
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March 13, 2014
The Mandalay Bay Resort will pay a $500,000 fine after admitting that employees provided drugs and prostitutes to guests. Gosh, that resort fee really covers everything.
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Will Adam Vinatieri, 41, signed for two more years with the Colts, be the first NFL player to have his own line of orthopedic shoes?
A University of Kentucky fan just got a tattoo saying “National champions 2014 UK.” Since he is from Kentucky what’s more amazing? That the young man has that much faith in his team? Or that he spelled it all correctly?
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Amazon is raising the price of Prime from $79 to $99 a year. Guess that delivery drone research is expensive.
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Oscar Pistorius vomited again in court, this time when seeing a picture of the body of his ex-girlfriend. If the “Blade Runner” is so adverse to violence maybe he should have gotten rid of the guns and left his security to experts.
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Another thought about the Pistorius trial. So if his girlfriend wasn’t afraid of him that night, why did she lock the bathroom door? As most couples know, in the middle of the night, your significant other doesn’t often bother even to CLOSE the bathroom door.
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A US Airways plane blew a tire tonight while taking off from Philadelphia tonight. All passengers on board were evacuated with no injuries. Wonder how long it will take for someone to add a spare tire fee.
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United Airlines flight delayed because catering forgot to board bottled water. #makesyouwonderwhatelsetheyforgot
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Just a thought about that Malaysian Airlines plane having flown for as much as hours after they lost contact. Even if it were hijacked they really believe no one would have used their cellphone at least to email or text? Get messages from clients all the time in the air, whether or not the plane has legal wifi….
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Regarding all those conspiracy theories about Malaysian flight 370, there hasn’t been anyone either claiming responsibility, or offering to tell a story to the media. I could be wrong, but keep thinking of that line “Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.”
Rutgers’ men’s basketball team lost tonight to Louisville 31 to 92?! Yes, a 61 point loss. With a performance like that are the Scarlet Knights trying to be named honorary members of the NBA Eastern Conference?
Florida strikes again. Now according to prosecutors, the former police officer who allegedly shot and killed a man who was texting in a movie theatre, had used HIS OWN PHONE to text his son a few minutes earlier….
(although RIP former Florida Governor Reubin Askew. Yes, there was a time before Florida was a punchline.)
Mets’ pitching coach Dan Warthen issued a statement last night to apologize for an Asian racial slur in the clubhouse. Uh oh, does the NFL need to add to their penalty word list?
This bus to hell moment brought to you by TC from BC. “Rumor has it that there is a sex tape in circulation starring Johnny Carson. I wonder if Ed McMahon does a audio voiceover – “Heeeeeeerrrrre Comes Johnny!”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, basketball jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Las Vegas Jokes, March madness jokes, Oscar Pistorius jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
March 13, 2014
Who says ESPN doesn’t pay enough attention to baseball.
Apparently the first week of Daylight Savings time is one of low productivity for Americans. And then next week starts March Madness. Guess we need to write off the month.
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Mount St. Mary’s has reached the NCAA March Madness after going 16-16. But to be fair, in the NBA Eastern Conference, with that kind of record, the Mountaineers would probably be a #3 seed.
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Chris Christie has ordered Tesla to close their direct sales offices in New Jersey, and only sell through franchised car dealerships. What happened to that conservative love of free market competition?
(a couple friends have suggested Christe’s just mad at Tesla because he can’t fit in one.)
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A #SFGiants prospect who might make the team is Ehire Adrianza. Sounds like he could become #JohnTravolta‘s favorite player.
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Just how big a jerk has Juan Pablo turned out to be? Even Massengill doesn’t want him as an spokesman.
Men’s Wearhouse is buying Jos. A Banks. Now you will be able to buy 10 cheap suits for the price of 1. I guarantee it.
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In San Diego, police say several frat boys on spring break broke into SeaWorld at night, stole ice cream, and went looking for animals to take pictures with. What a shame they didn’t fall into the shark tank.
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The 18 year old New Jersey honor student who sued to get her parents to support her has apparently moved back home. Anyone thought of setting this princess up with Justin Bieber?
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Meanwhile, his lawyer is now blaming America’s obsession with celebrities for Justin Bieber’s bad behavior. Can’t imagine how the singer gets the reputation for a complete lack of self-awareness.
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According to US Weekly, Juan Pablo is apparently angry with the ‘Bachelor’ crew because he “thought they gave him no privacy and wanted to know too much about his personal life and what he was doing all the time.” Right, because if you want to guard your privacy everyone knows the best place to do that is on a reality show.
So the mystery Iranians on flight 370 apparently were simply young men trying to skirt visa laws to get to Europe. #bummernowwecantbombsomeone?
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Former Florida Governor Reubin Askew, 85, is apparently in “very grave condition” after a stroke. He was Governor when I lived in the state, and was a politican who did some things that actually made Florida admirable. Wishing him the best. #notalwaysabananarepublic.
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Some are criticizing the President for going on “Between Two Ferns” to promote Obamacare. And I admit, I’d never heard of the show. But really, folks, the President is trying to reach out to young people. “Between Two Ferns” makes a lot more sense than trying to appeal to both people under 30 who watch “60 Minutes.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bachelor jokes, Bieber jokes, Chris Christie jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, juan pablo jokes, March madness jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 23, 2014
USA hockey reaction after today: “Bummer that we didn’t get a medal.” Russia hockey reaction: “how the bleep did we lose to these guys?”
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Alas, “Do you believe in Miracles?” has become “Do you believe in not being good enough for a Bronze Medal?”
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Team USA speed skating strategy for next Olympics? Expedited citizenship for more Dutch applicants.
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The Sochi Olympics are almost over. And March Madness is just around the corner. So most Americans can soon go from cheering for sports they’ve never cared about before, to cheering for teams they’ve never cared about before. #bracketology
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The NFL is apparently going to institute penalties for racial slurs. 15 yards for the first offense, and ejection for the second. So what will constitute a “racial slur?” Are players going to get a manual of words? And what about “Redskins?”
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Easter this year is 4 20. This is an advance warning to children in Colorado and Washington: Hide those chocolate bunnies from mom and dad.
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While the 49ers appear to have been talking to the Browns about a deal to send Jim Harbaugh to Cleveland, the coach appears to have vetoed the deal. So now we know the answer, yes there are some challenges too big even for Harbaugh’s ego.
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In Austin, a woman jogger was arrested for jaywalking and not having ID . Bummer. Had she only been armed she could have proved Texas residency
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A Duke University freshman who was outed as a porn star is defending her occupation as something she enjoys and more than pays her college expenses. Maybe the young woman should go into politics. At least her screwing people for money is providing some value.
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All that weight Pablo Sandoval lost, I think we just found some of it: Yasiel Puig showed up to Dodgers training camp weighing 251 pounds, 26 more than in 2013.
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NFL rules kept Jadeveon Clowney from entering the draft last year, and the DE said “Because I came off a great season. If it was a chance, I probably would have. “But right now, it’s over with. I had to stay a third year. I did what I had to do, took care of business with my team…”
Uh, considering how underwhelming his 2013 season was, wonder how motivated Clowney will be once he has $$$? (I still predict, he’ll be a bigger distraction for his team than Michael Sam.)
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NFL jokes, Olympic jokes, Sochi jokes, USA hockey jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
January 23, 2014
Toni Tennille has filed papers to divorce “The Captain” after 39 years of marriage. Wonder what the cause was? Him playing “Muskrat Love” after she told him PLEASE don’t “Do That To Me One More Time?”
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Quicken Loans is offering a $1 billion prize to anyone correctly pick the winner of every game in the 2014 men’s basketball March Madness. Although a DePaul math professor estimates the odds at best as 1 in 128 billion. Roughly about the same as the Cubs winning the World Series.
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So with Vladimir Putin’s “please leave the children alone” message to gays. I trust he will ban Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty from Russia, since Robertson says men should marry girls at 15 or 16?
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Bernie Madoff apparently had a heart attack in prison, and now has Stage 4 Kidney cancer. “What a shame” said absolutely nobody.
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So as we approach Super Bowl media week, where even breakfast cereal is a topic of conversation, can I suggest that Richard Sherman look for a deal with Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. Because “They’re GRRRREAT. And other breakfast cereals are mediocre.”
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Notre Dame is ending its long relationship with Adidas and signing a 10 year deal with Under Armour, Inc. According to their AD, the deal, “the largest of its kind in the history of college athletics”, will help Notre Dame through a period of change “unlike any of us have ever lived through or tried to navigate.” What a relief. Hate to think of the Fighting Irish struggling on a shoestring budget.
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The NY Yankees have signed Masahiro Tanaka for $155 million for 7 years, plus $20 million to his Japanese club. Wonder if the deciding factor for Tanaka was looking at the Yankees aging roster and figuring he could head home every October.
The National Weather Service has says 40-50 foot waves may hit the north shores of Maui and Oahu, accompanied by strong winds and urged people to be cautious. Over-under on potential Darwin award winners who will go out to take up-close pictures?
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Former Dallas DT Josh Brent faces up to 20 years in prison after being convicted of “intoxication manslaughter” for the 2012 wreck that killed teammate Jerry Brown. What, the Cowboys didn’t pay Brent enough to qualify him for the “affluenza” defense?
Though while we’re on the bus to hell, it being Texas, if Brent had just gotten drunk and accidentally shot a teammate, would he have walked?
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And we wonder why college athletes don’t take the rules seriously. FSU QB Jacob Coker, a redshirt sophomore, is on track to graduate in 2014. He plans to transfer to Alabama, where if he enrolls in a graduate program not offered by FSU, he can play immediately without sitting out a year. All legal with the NCAA. (Russell Wilson did the same thing.)
(and don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they’re graduating. But players who receive the exception tend to be QB’s, and if you believe they’re transferring for academic reasons -which is what the rule claims to be about – then I have a clogged bridge to sell you.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Captain and Tennille jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes, Sherman jokes, Sochi jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
April 8, 2013
Stirring run by Louisville after Kevin Ware’s horrific injury. But as cutthroat as college basketball has become, have to wonder, is there a D1 coach out there thinking “Hmm, how do I draft a high school star with brittle bones?”
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Now that the NCAA men’s tournament is over, fans of high-level amateur basketball will just have to be content with a few more games from the Lakers.
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Wonder if Michigan coach John Beilein used magic markers on the hands of his players tonight to help them keep track of the number of remaining timeouts?
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Over-under on the number of Division 1 college teams burning practice videos this week?
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Dennis #Rodman was fired last night from #CelebrityApprentice.” Let’s hope no one tells his “friend for life” Kim Jong Un.
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In Tennessee, a 4-year-old who picked up a sheriff deputy’s gun at a family BBQ allegedly shot and killed the man’s wife. An Tennessee Bureau of Investigations spokesman said it appears accidental at this time.” Ya think?
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Metta World Peace said he will start Tuesday night for the Los Angeles Lakers, just 12 days after knee surgery. Well, it’s not like World Peace needs to save himself for the playoffs.
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Damn, Annette Funicello has died. She was 70. And millions of baby boomers suddenly feel very old.
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Just thinking, before Sesame Street, how many people remember “M-I-C (see you real soon) -K-E-Y (why, because we like you) M-O-U-S-E” as the first words they learned to spell?
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Thieves in Germany apparently stole 5.5 tons of Nutella chocolate-hazelnut spread from a truck last weekend. Wonder if this followed a marijuana heist nearby. Talk about a sticky situation.
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The NY Jets are forcing unhappy CB Darrell Revis to show up to “voluntary” workouts while they try to trade him. Meanwhile, QB Tim Tebow will voluntarily show up if he hasn’t been cut. New York sure doesn’t need Barnum and Bailey to have a circus in town.
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Monday was the home opener for the Chicago Cubs. Who made masochism fashionable a century before “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
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Former Sen. Rick Santorum said today that the GOP must stay opposed to gay marriage to avert political suicide. Santorum also maintained his support for changing the symbol of the Republican party from an elephant to a lemming.
(or as my friend Michael D. says, a passenger pigeon)
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Why even in the 21st century, grammar and punctuation still matter: #Nowthatchersdead set off a number of rumors today that Cher had died. (#Youhaventseenthelastofme)
-New Indians’ manager Terry Francona got lost Monday making the two-block walk from his Cleveland apartment to Progressive field for the home opener against the Yankees. Unfortunately for Francona, a team employee got him there in time to see the Indians lose 11-6.
(Francona may also be thinking, “that’s the last time I use a old beer-stained map from Josh Beckett.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Nowthatchersdead jokes, Janice Hough, Kim Jong Un jokes, March madness jokes, Rutgers jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 6, 2013
Now that #Michigan is in #NCAA championship, over-under on number of times we’ll see #ChrisWebber’s 1993 attempted timeout before Monday?
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If Louisville wins thinking Rick Pitino’s wife is about as likely to let him go out without her for a celebratory dinner as Kobe Bryant’s wife is to let him order room service.
(short version for those saying “what?” – Pitino, married since 1976, was involved in an 2009 extortion trial with a woman he admitted meeting in a Louisville restaurant in 2003 , and having sex with in the bathroom. He also admitted giving her $3000 for an abortion. But that story somehow hasn’t made CBS’s weekend’s narrative..)
A 18-pound tortoise named Cashew who disappeared from a museum in Dubuque, Iowa, was found alive and in good health two days later in a building elevator. Officials believe the tortoise was stolen and then returned. Which would be easier to explain than her just having run away.
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A rate Honus Wagner baseball card just sold for $2.1 million. What’s crazier, the price for a single card, or the fact that these days $2.1 million might get you a mediocre middle reliever?
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A 22-year-old Oklahoma mom was arrested for allegedly trying to sell her 2-year old and 10-month old kids on Facebook. What kind of monster tries to sell little children? Teenagers, well, okay that makes sense.
(My friend Abbe Nelson says says you get better prices for kids on Ebay.. And Michael M. adds “More sad tales of the demise of newspapers. Once upon a time, it was very easy to sell small children through classifieds.”)
Is there a worse invention in college basketball than the possession arrow? Seriously. How hard is it to learn how to throw up a basketball for a jump ball?
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Free-agent DB Charles Woodson, 36, says no NFL teams have offered him a contract because they think he’s too old. Shame Woodson didn’t take up baseball instead of football. He’s almost old enough to be signed by the Yankees.
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Not a Rick Warren fan but very sad to hear his report his son shot himself: “Today, after a fun evening together with Kay and me, in a momentary wave of despair at his home, he took his life.” Without a gun a “momentary wave of despair” might not have been fatal.
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CNN reports North Korea has told diplomats it cannot guarantee their safety if war breaks out but is encouraging tour groups to stay. Well, at least daredevils now have a scarier vacation option than a Carnival cruise.
Oops. The NY Post reports that Yankees fans who google “Yankees box office phone number” will find a number for a phone sex line. Well, some (male) fans may decide the new number provides more value for money.
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Santa Clara beat George Mason 80-77 for the College Basketball Invitational title. So do schools raise a CBI banner?
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There’s always a silver lining for someone. Mike Rice and company at Rutgers at least have meant that Chris Christie and Snooki are off the hook as the top New Jersey punchlines.
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John Lackey exited his first start of the year with an arm injury. He had signed an $82 million, 5 year contract with the Red Sox in 2009. Who’d a thunk then that Barry Zito’s 7 year $126 million 2006 contract might look like the better deal?
Another thought on the whole Obama-Kamala Harris mountain of a molehill: So where’s the outrage when someone suggests a male politician is good looking?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, college basketball jokes, Final Four jokes, Janice Hough, Kamala Harris jokes, March madness jokes, Pitino jokes
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April 1, 2013
Bryce Harper is on pace for 324 home runs!
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Silver lining in today’s game for SF Giants’ fans? If Clayton Kershaw is going to be the Dodgers’ power hitter on top of being their ace, it’s going to take Los Angeles $250 million to sign him long term…..
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Red Sox 8, Yankees 2. Wonder who George Steinbrenner would have fired by now.
(with an assist from my friend Tony Alan Banks. You have to wonder if somewhere in the afterlife, Steinbrenner fired Billy Martin just out of habit.)
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Sandy Koufax looked good throwing out the ceremonial first pitch for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Wonder how long it will take the Yankees to offer him a pitching contract.
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The University of Kentucky has announced that freshman guard Archie Goodwin is leaving early for the NBA. Guess he wants to parlay leading his team all the way to the first round of the NIT into big $$$.
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Jon Stewart really slamming #NBC tonight on the Daily Show. So is Stewart also auditioning for Jay Leno’s job?
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Lindsay Lohan will be a guest on the “Late Show with David Letterman” next week. Sure hope the show insisted on sending a car and driver.
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Apparently police had to be called at a Seattle zoo’s Easter Egg Hunt when two mothers began fighting. Reportedly after one reportedly pushed a child aside to make it easier for her own child to get some eggs. Shocking. Parent violence at an Easter Egg Hunt?! Now, we’d expect it for opening day of Little League.
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Unclear on the concept – Lindsay Lohan has reportedly told her lawyers that she’ll only enter lockdown rehab if she’s allowed to take her Adderall prescription with her…..
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Well, at least there’s a Pac 12 team in the Women’s Final Four. Now if the #Cal Bears can just knock off UConn and Geno Auriemma in New Orleans all of Stanford might root for them.
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USC has hired UFGC’s Andy Enfield as their next men’s basketball coach. Guess Enfield couldn’t turn the deal down, over $1 million a year plus every March off.
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Glee’s Cory Monteith has voluntarily checked into a rehabilitation center to address substance addiction issues. Some would say such issues were caused by watching his own show.
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From Bill Littlejohn: As we approach the Masters, Tiger Woods has reclaimed his No. 1 ranking and is well on his way to being the Tiger of old. In fact, insiders are predicting a Lindsey Vonn ski pole to his Escalade by Christmas.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, Janice Hough, Lindsay Lohan jokes, March madness jokes, Opening day jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
March 31, 2013
And remember, love may fade, but Marshmallow Peeps are forever.
All this talk about Buster Posey being a San Francisco Giant for life….But it’s an 8 year contract! Posey will be 34 when it’s over. Making him almost old enough to play for the New York Yankees.
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The Seattle Seahawks’ Chris Clemons said he’s not homophobic but it would be selfish for an NFL player to come out, since one’s sexuality should be left “at home.” Right, based on that long tradition of men not talking about sex and women in locker rooms…..
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Many Stanford women’s basketball fans were unhappy when President Obama said that their team would lose to Cal in the NCAA Tournament. And as it turns out, Obama WAS wrong….
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Some are talking about lowering the baskets for women’s basketball to increase scoring. After watching a few rounds of NCAA’s thinking maybe we need to do that for the college men too.
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UCLA has hired Steve Alford as their new men’s basketball coach. Which means Bruins fans can look forward in 2014 to another weekend in the NCAA tournament.
The Yankees’ Andy Pettitte says he expects to be in the World Series. Is Pettite angling for a trade already?
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The National Zoo has artificially inseminated their female panda. Waiting for the first conservative politician to say it’s another example of Obama showing disrespect for traditional panda marriage.
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The under-over in Las Vegas for complete games in MLB this season by ANY pitcher in 2013 is 6 1/2. For the entire season. The Detroit Tigers’ Mickey Lolich had 29 complete games in 1971.
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Well, he’s a douchebag but a creative douchebag. A 61 year old Virginia man, angry that his girlfriend had broken up with him, was arrested after he allegedly placed a fake Craigslist ad with her picture and address saying she was a “senior lady” looking for casual sex.
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TSA has decided just to suspend 17 employees at Newark who were originally going to be fired “because it was determined that they did not ‘intentionally’ violate procedures associated with checked baggage screening.” Well, it’s not like they messed up on anything important…..
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Michael Steinberg, a NY hedge fund executive, was arrested at his Park Ave apartment today on charges to conspiracy and securities fraud.
Steinberg’s lawyer said “he did absolutely nothing wrong.” Of course, it’s probably the fault of all the profiling police do of hedge fund executives.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, gay player jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 28, 2013
In this case, Indiana. Bobby Knight had better aim with his chairs than the Hoosiers had with some of their shots tonight.
The Patriots’ Rob Gronkowski said today he would be accepting of a gay teammate. Good for him. But why is this harder for players than, for example, accepting a teammate who is a rapist.
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Best thing about tonight’s mostly lopsided Sweet Sixteen games… realizing we are only 3 days from MLB opening day.
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Johan Santana’s 2013 Mets’ season is probably over with a shoulder injury. Should we declare him an honorary NY Yankee?
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The NBA has said, “Oops, Kobe Bryant really did foul Ricky Rubio” – on Rubio’s last second shot that might have tied the game. Not that it affects the Lakers’ 120-117 win over the T’wolves. And it’s not as if the league has any rea$on to want Lo$ Angele$ in the playoff$…..
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Tiffany’s has just come out with a new collection of World Champion SF Giants memorabilia. This opposed to World Champion Cubs memorabilia which is in their “archaeology” collection.
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A Cosmopolitan article says the three words men most don’t want to hear from a woman is “I look fat.” Uh, I would say those three are at best a distant second to “Can we talk?”
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How new is the University of Florida Gulf Coast? Their oldest alums are 37. Wow. That’s too young to play for the NY Yankees.
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United Airlines is now offering their Mileage Plus members a free one year membership in AARP. Wonder if they are offering the same deal to some of their flight attendants?
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Three New Jersey men in were arrested for smoking marijuana New Jersey – in the parking lot of a police barracks. Can’t imagine how pot gets the reputation of messing with your short-term memory.
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Mitt Romney says he doesn’t miss the campaign trail, saying “I like the life of being an American citizen. It’s good to live a normal life again.” Wonder if after Mitt said this he got in his private plane to head to one of his vacation homes for the weekend?
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New York starting pitcher Phil Hughes has officially been placed on the disabled list for opening day. Looking like this year’s Yankee theme song will be “Another One Bites The Dust.”
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Due to a number of accidents including a refinery fire, the Chevron’s board has cut CEO John Watson’s bonus and stock options by 10-20%. In 2011, Watson made $24.7 million. Gosh, how will he feed his family?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, jokes about march madness, March madness jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
March 25, 2013
Screw brackets. University of Florida Gulf Coast is just plain fun to watch.
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But thinking anyone who said they have Florida Gulf Coast vs. San Diego State playing for the right to go to the Sweet 16 must be really good at Liars’ Dice.
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Indiana miraculously proving that these day’s it’s not a good idea to bet against a Harbaugh in big games. (Joani Harbaugh is married to their coach.)
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Although for my male readers, Florida Gulf Coast coach Andy Enfield is married to Amanda Marcum, a former swimsuit model. (If you haven’t seen her, this is what Google is for, guys. Have fun.)
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An unknown New Jersey resident bought the lone winning powerball ticket, worth $338 million. Wow. That’s enough money to move out of New Jersey.
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The Sweet 16 includes TWO teams from the Pacific Time Zone. So at this point watching #MarchMadness will get fans ready for ESPN’s usual baseball coverage.
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The Miami Heat won their 26th straight game tonight, without Dwayne Wade. Okay, but against the Charlotte Bobcats at home, shouldn’t this game have an asterisk?
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Karl Rove said today that Democrats need to “stop scaring people” with regards to gun policies and gun control reform. Apparently Rove thinks that scaring people should remain a Republican job.
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In northern Utah, a Chevron fuel spill near a bird refuge, originally estimated at 6,000 gallons may have leaked as much as 27,000 gallons. And Chevron will now need government approval to reopen the pipeline. Wonder how long it will take the oil company to add the cost of cleanup to gas prices?
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ESPN advertising opening night baseball next Sunday, the Rangers vs. the Astros. Guess they figure they can get those Texas teams out of the way early and then go back to Yankees-Red Sox.
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The Lakers apparently come out of their pre-game huddle saying “championship.” The way the team is playing now, does Los Angeles think they could win the NCAA’s
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Serious sports question: Two NCAA wins aided and possibly decided today by bad calls (OSU and Miami). Maybe in a one-and-done tournament time for a little more instant replay?
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Serious gay marriage question as the issue moves to the Supreme Court: Good people can disagree on abortion, but why aren’t ALL conservatives who talk about religious freedom and small government lined up to say it’s nobody’s business who you marry?
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And bus to hell time from T.C. The controversy over horsemeat in European hamburgers continues. My question for the week: Do their “Quarter Pounders” contain meat from “Quarter Horses”?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Amanda Marcum jokes, busted bracket jokes, Florida Gulf Coast jokes, Janice Hough, Karl Rove jokes, March madness jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 23, 2013
Really, Wichita State? You couldn’t have come up with a more original name if you were going to knock off a #1 seed?
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All these NCAA teams moving onto the Sweet 16 with less than great regular seasons… maybe the gap between college and pro basketball is less than we thought?
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Lindsay Lohan had her SIXTH mugshot taken this week. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date for the seventh?
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Some are whining about Hanley Ramirez’s WBC injury. What about Curtis Granderson and Chase Headley, who both broke bones in spring training games. What’s the solution – skip all practice so out-of-shape players can all get hurt when the season starts?
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Dr. James Andrews told ESPN that RG III’s recovery from knee surgery has been “unbelievable.” So sounds like the Redskins’ QB might be healthy enough to be re-injured in the season opener.
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Stanford men lost to Alabama 68-54 today in the second round of the NIT. On the brighter side, most Cardinal fans would have been delirious if someone said pre-season that their basketball team would last longer in the postseason than Kentucky.
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San Francisco’s Archbishop, Salvatore Cordileone, who opposes gay marriage, believes that that therapy can change sexual orientation. If true, wouldn’t you think the Catholic Church would have used such therapy on some of their priests?
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CEO Howard Schultz to a shareholder who complained Starbucks’s support of gay marriage hurt the company: “If you feel, respectfully, that you can get a higher return than the 38 percent you got last year, it’s a free country. You can sell your shares of Starbucks and buy shares in another company. Thank you very much.”
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Powerball jackpot today over $320 million. Of course, your chances of winning if you played were statistically about the same as if you don’t play.
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The U.S. may have discovered the secret to winning international soccer competitions. Declare it an outdoor winter sport!
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Whatever you think of Jay Leno, he’s leading in the late night ratings. So of course it makes sense for NBC to replace him. He’s messing with their streak.
So as a distraction from shredded brackets finally watched the end of season 3 of Downton Abbey. Time to watch something cheerier, like more shredded brackets tomorrow.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: bracket jokes, Janice Hough, Lindsay Lohan jokes, March madness jokes
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March 21, 2013
(this post was done March 21, but somehow wasn’t appearing. Gremlins….)
So does Harvard count as a Cinderella since they won after midnight?
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Congrats to Harvard. Although Johnny Dawkins at Stanford now may have an even harder time explaining why academic requirements prevent him from recruiting an NCAA tournament team.
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New Pac 12 Men’s Basketball Motto: “We Suck Less Than You Thought.”
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(Note to NCAA seeding committee: Did anyone notice that Oregon’s injured star point guard Dominic Artis has been back for a while now?)
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16 March Madness games started Thursday at 1215p EST. Office productivity will be falling faster than Congress’s approval ratings….
And sorry folks, Bucknell is NOT the new Butler….
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Watching Senators calling for an invasion of Syria…. Sigh. Once again I missed the rule that says military expenditures don’t count towards the deficit.
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In talking about a gay conversion therapy bill, N.J. Gov. Chris Christie reportedly said he never reads bills before they hit his desk for approval. And somewhere Sarah Palin is saying “Why start then?”
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That deep sigh you hear across the country belongs to all those bracket makers who didn’t think Gonzaga was over-rated.
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Just got an announcement for a Steve Miller Band concert in June at Lake Tahoe. Of course these days the song is probably “Shuffle Like an Eagle.”
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Retiring Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss said he won’t join Rob Portman in supporting gay marriage, adding “I’m not gay. So I’m not going to marry one.” Sigh. So guess not being a woman is his excuse for being against reproductive rights?
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For those who think basketball is a trivial waste of time, then there’s Kim Kardashian reportedly saying in a deposition this week that she really loved Kris Humphries. Their divorce case will finally go to trial May 6, meaning the proceedings will have lasted 10 times longer than their marriage.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Harvard jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 