Posted tagged ‘Janice Hough’
March 26, 2013
You think of showing your support for something with a bumper sticker, instead of changing your profile picture.
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As the internet buzzes with the possibility of an active NFL player coming out, remember Willie Mays, asked at the age of 80 if MLB was ready for an openly gay player. His response “Can he hit?”
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Apparently in oral arguments, Supreme Court justices Scalia and Alito were asking question related to the statement “We don’t know the effects of same sex parenting on children.” Uh, could it be any worse, than say the effects of heterosexual parenting, with say, Dina Lohan or Kris Jenner?
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If all gay weddings required a 21-gun salute, would more Republicans be in favor of allowing them?
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A man has won $8,000 in a lawsuit from Disneyland after he was trapped in the “It’s a Small World” ride for more than 30 minutes. Had he been stuck for much longer it might have been a violation of the Geneva convention.
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Nike has started another controversy with a new ad showing Tiger Woods lining up a putt behind the slogan, “Winning takes care of everything.” Well, at least the ad is honest.
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Not sure how Lindsay Vonn and Tiger Woods celebrated his regaining the world #1 ranking. Guessing she didn’t send him out to pick up take-out pancakes.
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So all this excitement over the same sex marriage debate, then no ruling until June. It’s as if we had the early rounds of March Madness now, and then the Final Four after the NBA finals.
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President Obama is planning to appoint Julia Pierson as the first female director of the U.S. Secret Service. Well that’s one way to avoid Columbian prostitute scandals.
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There’s always a silver lining. Manti Te’o has to be thrilled in some ways that the headlines now are mostly just about his disappointing 40 yard dash times. (4.71 .)
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One of Justin Bieber’s neighbors has accused the singer of battery following an argument over loud parties? Really, just how desperate for money do you have to be go to down in history as the punchline who claims to have been smacked down by Bieber?
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Kanye West reportedly wants to call his new album “I am God.” Who knew, Kim Kardashian might end up being the more responsible parent?
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Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, with 19 children, say they are open to the idea of the idea of adoption. Many think they should have started adopting about 14-15 children ago.
(Pete Brody says maybe they can adopt octomoms 14 and they can have a rolling rock 33)
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Glenn Beck is now saying that the Muslim Brotherhood is behind the ethics investigation of Michele Bachmann, because of her efforts against radical Islam. Forget welfare recipients, maybe it’s time to drug-test media hosts..
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From T.C. “Dionne Warwick owes $10 Million in back taxes. The IRS left her a singing message on her voicemail, “Do you know the way to San Quentin?””
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: equal sign jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, Prop 8 jokes, Supreme Court jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
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March 25, 2013
A silver lining to Monday for many sports fans – there was no chance today for any more busted brackets.
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Anyone considered that maybe Punxsutawney Phil was right? And that this is just going to be a really really cold spring….
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According to the NY Times, senior citizens are increasingly using recreational marijuana. So to serve that market, how long until we see Doritos’ flavored Ensure?
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While Los Angeles made it closer at the end, Golden State was beating up on the Los Angeles Lakers so badly at halftime the Warriors could have been charged with elder abuse.
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UCLA has fired men’s basketball coach Ben Howland. Well, if Howand wants a chance with another underachieving team, there may soon be an opening with the Lakers.
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Former RNC chair Michael Steele on the GOP – “”However, we are not a religious party. And we need to understand that America’s not looking for a religious party.” Well, he’s half right.
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A thought about Costa Rica’s protest about playing their soccer match against the USA in the snow. Just wait until the 2022 World Cup in Qatar. With average daytime temperatures of 106…..
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UCLA fired Ben Howland after they lost to Minnesota. Minnesota fired Tubby Smith after they lost to Florida. This does not bode well for the losing coach in the Florida-University of Florida Gulf Coast game.
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Some conservative media complaining that Sasha and Malia Obama are vacationing at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas. Of course if they were driven to an inexpensive Florida beach resort the same folks would complain that they were wrecking spring break for middle class families with the extra traffic and security.
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The New York Yankees will open the season with about $82 million of players on the disabled list. To put that in perspective, that’s about the payroll of the Astros and Pirates combined..
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Not watching the NBC interview but apparently Jerry Sandusky was laughing in his denial that anyone could have imagined that what they heard and saw in that Penn State locker room meant he was having sex with a boy. Can’t we just hurry up and put this guy in the general population.
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In light of his recent public announcement of a romance with Lindsay Vonn, was it really the best idea for the NY Daily News to have posted this headline about Tiger Woods’ win today?: “Tiger back on top.”
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Geek humor. The band “My Chemical Romance” has split up. Did they use electrolysis?
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So why aren’t the people defending “traditional” marriage also pushing for amendments to outlaw divorce?
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From my funny friend Jim Barach: “A Huffington Post writer is looking for people who claim to have had sex with a space alien. He should start by talking to Dennis Rodman’s mother.”
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Ford is apologizing after ads submitted to them for a competition ended up on line. One featured 3 women bounded and gagged in the back of a Ford Figo, another had 3 male race-car drivers in the same situation, and in the 3rd it was the Kardashian sisters. Absolutely appalling, well maybe except the last one.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, NCAA jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
March 25, 2013
Screw brackets. University of Florida Gulf Coast is just plain fun to watch.
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But thinking anyone who said they have Florida Gulf Coast vs. San Diego State playing for the right to go to the Sweet 16 must be really good at Liars’ Dice.
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Indiana miraculously proving that these day’s it’s not a good idea to bet against a Harbaugh in big games. (Joani Harbaugh is married to their coach.)
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Although for my male readers, Florida Gulf Coast coach Andy Enfield is married to Amanda Marcum, a former swimsuit model. (If you haven’t seen her, this is what Google is for, guys. Have fun.)
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An unknown New Jersey resident bought the lone winning powerball ticket, worth $338 million. Wow. That’s enough money to move out of New Jersey.
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The Sweet 16 includes TWO teams from the Pacific Time Zone. So at this point watching #MarchMadness will get fans ready for ESPN’s usual baseball coverage.
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The Miami Heat won their 26th straight game tonight, without Dwayne Wade. Okay, but against the Charlotte Bobcats at home, shouldn’t this game have an asterisk?
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Karl Rove said today that Democrats need to “stop scaring people” with regards to gun policies and gun control reform. Apparently Rove thinks that scaring people should remain a Republican job.
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In northern Utah, a Chevron fuel spill near a bird refuge, originally estimated at 6,000 gallons may have leaked as much as 27,000 gallons. And Chevron will now need government approval to reopen the pipeline. Wonder how long it will take the oil company to add the cost of cleanup to gas prices?
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ESPN advertising opening night baseball next Sunday, the Rangers vs. the Astros. Guess they figure they can get those Texas teams out of the way early and then go back to Yankees-Red Sox.
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The Lakers apparently come out of their pre-game huddle saying “championship.” The way the team is playing now, does Los Angeles think they could win the NCAA’s
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Serious sports question: Two NCAA wins aided and possibly decided today by bad calls (OSU and Miami). Maybe in a one-and-done tournament time for a little more instant replay?
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Serious gay marriage question as the issue moves to the Supreme Court: Good people can disagree on abortion, but why aren’t ALL conservatives who talk about religious freedom and small government lined up to say it’s nobody’s business who you marry?
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And bus to hell time from T.C. The controversy over horsemeat in European hamburgers continues. My question for the week: Do their “Quarter Pounders” contain meat from “Quarter Horses”?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Amanda Marcum jokes, busted bracket jokes, Florida Gulf Coast jokes, Janice Hough, Karl Rove jokes, March madness jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 23, 2013
Really, Wichita State? You couldn’t have come up with a more original name if you were going to knock off a #1 seed?
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All these NCAA teams moving onto the Sweet 16 with less than great regular seasons… maybe the gap between college and pro basketball is less than we thought?
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Lindsay Lohan had her SIXTH mugshot taken this week. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date for the seventh?
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Some are whining about Hanley Ramirez’s WBC injury. What about Curtis Granderson and Chase Headley, who both broke bones in spring training games. What’s the solution – skip all practice so out-of-shape players can all get hurt when the season starts?
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Dr. James Andrews told ESPN that RG III’s recovery from knee surgery has been “unbelievable.” So sounds like the Redskins’ QB might be healthy enough to be re-injured in the season opener.
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Stanford men lost to Alabama 68-54 today in the second round of the NIT. On the brighter side, most Cardinal fans would have been delirious if someone said pre-season that their basketball team would last longer in the postseason than Kentucky.
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San Francisco’s Archbishop, Salvatore Cordileone, who opposes gay marriage, believes that that therapy can change sexual orientation. If true, wouldn’t you think the Catholic Church would have used such therapy on some of their priests?
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CEO Howard Schultz to a shareholder who complained Starbucks’s support of gay marriage hurt the company: “If you feel, respectfully, that you can get a higher return than the 38 percent you got last year, it’s a free country. You can sell your shares of Starbucks and buy shares in another company. Thank you very much.”
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Powerball jackpot today over $320 million. Of course, your chances of winning if you played were statistically about the same as if you don’t play.
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The U.S. may have discovered the secret to winning international soccer competitions. Declare it an outdoor winter sport!
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Whatever you think of Jay Leno, he’s leading in the late night ratings. So of course it makes sense for NBC to replace him. He’s messing with their streak.
So as a distraction from shredded brackets finally watched the end of season 3 of Downton Abbey. Time to watch something cheerier, like more shredded brackets tomorrow.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: bracket jokes, Janice Hough, Lindsay Lohan jokes, March madness jokes
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March 22, 2013
Theme of a lot of people’s #Marchmadness brackets after today. “One round and done.”
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The “Catholic 7” founding members of the new Big East include Georgetown, Villanova, and Marquette and DePaul. And then there’s Notre Dame. Last time Catholics were as embarrassed as in this #Marchmadness, priests and altar boys were involved.
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For most American sports fans, this weekend is the exciting second round of March Madness. For anyone who had Wisconsin, Marquette, Georgetown , New Mexico and/or Kansas State in the Final Four… we’re only about a week away from MLB opening day.
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A 42 year old former Tennessee Titans cheerleader was arrested for allegedly offering to perform sex acts on a 12-year-old boy. She told the police she was drunk, “confused”, and thought the boy was a man she knew. And across the country guy are thinking “That’s awful – why didn’t any cheerleaders get drunk and confused when I was 12?”
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If you feel stupid about college basketball today just think – you could be the rocket scientist who seeded the West bracket….
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A falling boulder damaged an SUV on US Highway 101 near Sausalito this morning. Bummer. If a rock was going to fall on an SUV why couldn’t it be one parked in a “compacts only” space?
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Not a good morning for the Badgers. Last time sports fans in Wisconsin were this upset, a Brett Favre retirement was involved.
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A Frenchman was arrested for impersonating an Air France and sitting in the cockpit of a US Airways plane at Philadelphia Airport. Wonder if the flight attendants became suspicious when the man declined a pre-flight cocktail.
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Iowa State upset Notre Dame tonight. At least those who have their brackets further busted can take some consolation in the fact that we won’t have to see those lime-green uniform monstrosities anymore.
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Meanwhile, UCLA continued their best efforts to be more disappointing this year than the Lakers.
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In the meantime, the Los Angeles Lakers lost, AT HOME, to the Washington Wizards. Making this Kobe and company’s best effort so far to make a case that the Lakers should be at least an NCAA six seed.
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NBC is going to air some jailhouse interviews with Jerry Sandusky next week. Wow. I know the network is struggling, but why couldn’t they try to get ratings with something classier like mud wrestling. the Octomom, or “Girls Gone Wild?”
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A Texas woman saw a snake, threw gasoline on it, and set the poor reptile on fire. The snake slithered into a nearby brush pile, starting a fire that burned down the house. Mother Nature and Karma together can be mean bitches.
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From my friend M.D. “I’m pretty sure there are no perfect brackets left in America, because the guy who had Harvard AND Florida Gulf Coast could not get out of the institution long enough to submit it. Hell, he couldn’t even get out of the strait jacket.”
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The Knicks clinched a playoff spot tonight. Thereby assuring that New York sports fans with a masochistic streak will have alternatives in April to watching the Mets.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #Marchmadness jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, NCAA tournament jokes, Notre Dame jokes
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March 21, 2013
(this post was done March 21, but somehow wasn’t appearing. Gremlins….)
So does Harvard count as a Cinderella since they won after midnight?
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Congrats to Harvard. Although Johnny Dawkins at Stanford now may have an even harder time explaining why academic requirements prevent him from recruiting an NCAA tournament team.
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New Pac 12 Men’s Basketball Motto: “We Suck Less Than You Thought.”
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(Note to NCAA seeding committee: Did anyone notice that Oregon’s injured star point guard Dominic Artis has been back for a while now?)
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16 March Madness games started Thursday at 1215p EST. Office productivity will be falling faster than Congress’s approval ratings….
And sorry folks, Bucknell is NOT the new Butler….
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Watching Senators calling for an invasion of Syria…. Sigh. Once again I missed the rule that says military expenditures don’t count towards the deficit.
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In talking about a gay conversion therapy bill, N.J. Gov. Chris Christie reportedly said he never reads bills before they hit his desk for approval. And somewhere Sarah Palin is saying “Why start then?”
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That deep sigh you hear across the country belongs to all those bracket makers who didn’t think Gonzaga was over-rated.
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Just got an announcement for a Steve Miller Band concert in June at Lake Tahoe. Of course these days the song is probably “Shuffle Like an Eagle.”
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Retiring Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss said he won’t join Rob Portman in supporting gay marriage, adding “I’m not gay. So I’m not going to marry one.” Sigh. So guess not being a woman is his excuse for being against reproductive rights?
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For those who think basketball is a trivial waste of time, then there’s Kim Kardashian reportedly saying in a deposition this week that she really loved Kris Humphries. Their divorce case will finally go to trial May 6, meaning the proceedings will have lasted 10 times longer than their marriage.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Harvard jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes
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March 18, 2013
Lindsay Lohan has accepted a plea deal involving 90 days in rehab. It’s all part of Los Angeles’s “33 strikes and you’re out policy”
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First Elvis Dumervil’s late fax, now, according to the Patriots, Wes Welker’s agent is the reason the WR isn’t back with New England. Hard to believe there’s been this much bad publicity about agents and Scott Boras isn’t involved.
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John Boehner has said today that he ‘can’t imagine’ his views on gay marriage will ever shift, even if he had a son who was gay. Brave words from a man with two daughters.
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Belated St. Patrick’ Day toast. “May your troubles last as long as your pristine brackets.”
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Video game maker Electronic Arts Inc. said today their CEO will step down at the end of the month. Shocking to many in Silicon Valley. Electronic Arts is still in business?!
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One of the young men convicted in the Steubenville, Ohio rape case apologized and said “No pictures should have been sent out, let alone been taken.” Uh, what about nothing they took pictures of should have happened, PERIOD.
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Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh, says the team will be different next year but that’s a good thing — “The worst mistake you can make is trying to hold a team together” And Florida Marlins fans are thinking “Not exactly.”
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Pablo Sandoval apparently has a mild elbow injury. SF Giants just hope the doctor tells him to stop lifting burritos, burgers, pizza….
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Disneyland now says children under 14 must have an older person with them to enter the Magic Kingdom. Translation, we are no longer going to be your babysitter.
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RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today that “Focus groups described (the GOP) as ‘narrow minded,’ ‘out of touch,’ and ‘stuffy old men.'” Who says Americans don’t pay attention to politics?
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Tiger Woods has officially announced that he and Lindsey Vonn are dating. Presumably Tiger has turned over a new leaf with women, as he’s smart enough to know that a world champion skier might have better aim with a golf club….
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Watching a repeat of the Daily Show featuring Sandra Day O’Connor. Is it too late to have her rejoin the Supreme Court and have Antonin Scalia take her place in retirement?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, John Boehner jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
March 17, 2013
Why we know the same people who run the BCS are not on the NCAA men’s basketball tournament selection committee – not only did defending champions Kentucky not get in, but the field only has 3 SEC teams.
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Wonder what kind of shape the USA would be in if Americans spent as much time thinking about who they vote for as they do filling out their NCAA brackets? #Marchmadness
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So which happens first? President Obama releases his NCAA brackets? Or the GOP criticizes him for making time to select them?
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Wonder how busted most people’s brackets would already be if you had to know the city and state of any team picked, and for that matter at least one player on each team….
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Pat Boone called President Obama a Marxist. Wonder how many people these days actually remember what a Marxist is? For that matter wonder who many people actually remember who Pat Boone is?
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Now former Denver Bronco Elvis Dumervil has fired his agent. Wonder if he did it by fax.
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Just saw a commercial saying: “KFC whole chicken is delivered and prepared fresh by real cooks in our restaurants.” Is SNL starting to run their fake ads during the day now?
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Two high school football players in Steubenville were found guilty of raping a drunk 16 year old girl at a party last year. Proof perhaps that doing very bad stuff and posting it online trumps even society’s bias in favor of athletes.
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Lindsay Lohan apparently could miss her Monday morning court date because she missed her flight last night from NY to LA to stay and party at a local nightclub. Gosh, if she shows up the judge again Lindsay could face a really really stern warning.
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Mark Teixeira says his wrist injury may sideline him longer than originally thought, but added “I don’t know if it’s the beginning of May, the end of May, the beginning of June, I don’t know when it is but we got a whole bunch of season left and the time that really matters is the playoffs.” Uh, this assumes the NY Yankees make the playoffs.
Of course, GOP Rep. Steve LaTourette is retired so he can say this, “We’re supposed to wonder why we don’t have the women’s vote in this country when we have a candidate suggesting that a child born as a result of rape is a gift from God?” And “If we ever want to be a national party, then we have to look like America. Today we look like a bunch of white guys below the Mason-Dixon line.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Marchmadness jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NCAA jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 17, 2013
Rand Paul won today’s CPAC’s straw poll, just ahead of Marco Rubio. Democrats wish both them as much luck as the 2012 winners, Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum.
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Meanwhile, Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, once considered a front runner, finished 8th, tied with Sarah Palin. Even the 2012 New Orleans Saints are calling that a disappointing showing.
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Headline from CPAC: Coulter throws Christie under the bus.” With all due respect, I don’t think Ann Coulter could even lift Chris Christie, let alone throw him anywhere.
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Sarah Palin at CPAC while drinking from a “Big Gulp” cup on stage “Bloomberg’s not around. Our Big Gulp’s safe.” Nice prop usage, except that Palin made a point of saying after the 2008 campaign – “I never asked for anything more than a Diet Dr. Pepper once in a while.”
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More from CPAC: Attendees are blasting conservative GOP Senator Rob Portman for having a gay son and for now endorsing gay marriage. Right, the same folks cheering Sarah Palin, whose daughter Bristol has been such a paragon of traditional values.
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Cher now says she dated Tom Cruise briefly in the 1980s. Well, that ought to take care of the gay rumors….
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Wide receiver Donte Stallworth sustained serious burns after he and his girlfriend had their hot air balloon run into power lines near Miami. Teams around the NFL expressed sympathy, and promptly added ballooning to things forbidden in guaranteed contracts.
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Elvis Dumervil had to be released by the Denver Broncos because he and his agent faxed in the paperwork about 8 minutes late. Who said football players don’t need to pay attention to math?
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Apparently people who drink both coffee and green tea are significantly less likely to have a stroke. Stand by for some ghastly new concoction from Starbucks.
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More cruise ships with issues this week getting news coverage. At what point do we rename it the Carnival News Network
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Broncos safety Quinton Carter was arrested and faces felony charges for allegedly cheating at a Las Vegas casino craps game. Not sure if this means jail time but if not maybe Denver will trade Carter to the New England Patriots?
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And finally, today is selection Sunday. The day when several men’s NCAA basketball teams get to complain bitterly about being denied the chance to be knocked out in the first round of March Madness
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cher jokes, CPAC jokes, Janice Hough
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March 16, 2013
So with the USA bounced out of the World Baseball Classic does that mean we need to put an asterisk on “World Series Champions?”
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The Dominican Republic is doing so well in the WBC that the Yankees are trying to figure out if there is any way to buy the team. Or as my friend Jim Barach says, maybe just buy the entire country.
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So will a silver lining of this USA World Baseball Classic loss mean that the U.S. will finally get around to declaring Puerto Rico the 51st state?
One good thing about Notre Dame’s day-glo basketball uniforms. They make the Oregon Ducks’ uniforms look positively restrained.
And as the Irish discovered tonight in their 69 to 57 loss to Louisville. It’s not always easy being green.
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Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Cancun, six people were killed and five were wounded when two masked men shot up a bar. And Carnival Cruise Lines said “See, it could be worse.”
Mitt Romney gave a speech at CPAC that sounded like he was still running for President. Well, suppose that makes at least as much sense as Paul Ryan acting with his budget like he and Mitt won.
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Senator Ted Cruz of Texas was actually born in Canada. So when are we going to see conservative critics talking about his un-American vision?
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And wonder how many of the conservatives who are criticizing Ohio senator Rob Portman’s new support of gay marriage, are the same folks screaming about too much government control over our lives?
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In a speech to CPAC, Donald Trump criticized many in the the GOP, and added that immigration reform could be a “suicide mission” for Republicans. Though what the Donald is really unhappy about is that the party didn’t undertake the suicide mission of nominating him for President.
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Quote of the day: “In our country today, if you’re born poor, if your parents didn’t go to college, if you don’t know your father, if English isn’t spoken at home, then the odds are stacked against you. You are more likely to stay poor today than at any other time since World War II,” So is it time to switch parties for the speaker? His name – Jeb Bush.
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Seacrest out? .
Ryan Seacrest 38, and Julianne Hough. 24, are not only not getting married, they’ve apparently broken up after two years together. . Well, that ought to do wonders for the gay rumors?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Carnival jokes, Janice Hough, NCAA jokes, Notre Dame jokes, WBC jokes
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March 13, 2013
Bummer. They chose a new Pope today and America didn’t even have a chance to hear the top ten sing.
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The new Pope, Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Buenos Aires, was taken immediately after his election to get his new clothes and be given time to pray in the “Room of Tears,” Wonder if they piped in the music “Don’t cry for me, Argentina?
So the papal conclave in Rome is over – they sent out white smoke.
Meanwhile with the sequester in Washington – they’re still blowing smoke.
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V.P. Joe Biden, a Catholic to serve as vice president, will lead the U.S. delegation to next week’s formal installation of the new Pope. Will they send up white smoke when Biden’s speech is over?
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The “Catholic 7” said they will announced new members for their new basketball conference in 7-10 days. So will they announce their choices with white or black smoke?
(Michael Duca reminds us that “White smoke can’t jump.”)
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Miley Cyrus, who’s been attempting a comeback, now apparently has split with her fiancé, Liam Hemsworth. Maybe Miley can talk to Taylor Swift for tips on writing a song about it..
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Kobe Bryant has sprained his ankle and is out indefinitely. Can’t wait to hear Dwight Howard tell him to play through the pain.
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A corgi in Helen Mirren’s London play “The Audience” about Queen Elizabeth II has been fired for not obeying commands. While the dog was supposed to be playing the Queen’s pet, clearly she saw herself more in the role of a cat.
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Marriott is going to partner with Ikea for a budget brand in Europe, which will be known as Moxy Hotels. Guess we can expect Moxy to put a whole new spin on the concept of making your own bed.
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The Senate Judiciary Committee passed a universal background check bill to close the gun show loophole on a strict 10-8 party line vote. What is it with those in the GOP who don’t think you need ID check to buy a gun, but you do need it to cast a ballot?
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Sen. Ted Cruz says he is willing to risk a govt shutdown if Obamacare is not defunded. Leaving the Supreme Court decision and the 2012 election out of it, if Cruz cares so much about the budget why doesn’t he personally step up and volunteer to defund Congressional healthcare?
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Am I the only one who doesn’t get it? So Michael Vick has to cancel his book tour because of outrage, and Ray Lewis just signed a contract with ESPN…..
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Congress jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, new pope jokes, Pope jokes, white smoke jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 12, 2013
Confused here, so when the Bachelor finally makes his choice do they send up a plume of rose-colored smoke?
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So the Vatican wants the Church to be more relevant in a modern age. Maybe they could increase interest in this whole Papal selection process by publishing brackets? (And warning those brackets are not for betting purposes.)
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Yesterday on “Meet the Press,” Jeb Bush referred to political reporters as “crack addict” or “heroin addicts.” Well, this ought to get media relations for his probable 2016 run off to a good start.
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Jeb Bush, when asked about the effect his family history might have on a run for the Presidency, replied “I don’t think there’s any Bush baggage at all.” And Sarah Palin commented “And they call ME stupid?!”
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A 25-year-old Seattle high school softball coach has resigned after he was caught allegedly sending female students out to get photographs and phone numbers of “cute girls” for him. Well, on the bright side, at least he wasn’t sleeping with his players.
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Not a boxing fan, but kudos to former UFC light heavyweight champion Rashad Evans: “I am a heterosexual guy in a tough macho sport, which is exactly the reason I feel a duty to say I support gay marriage and gay rights. What people overlook is that is isn’t a sex issue, its a love issue. There’s no justifiable reason for trying to get in the way of two people who love each other.”
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A bipartisan group of eight Senators has apparently come to an agreement on a path to legal status for illegal immigrants Meanwhile, a bipartisan group of eight members of the House is close to agreeing that the sun sets in the west.
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The Yankees are so desperate for temporary help due to all their injuries that they’ve reportedly talked to retired players Derrek Lee and Scott Rolen, and they’re even interested in Chipper Jones. “Hey, I’m available” chimed in Brett Favre.
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Some are comparing Mayor Bloomberg to a Nanny. But really, is that the best analogy? Remember Mary Poppins and her “spoonful of sugar?”
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A judge just tossed out New York City’s large sugary soda ban, a day before it was to take effect. Here we go through the appeals process … your tax dollars at work.
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Wonder if the court’s decision on the large sugary soda ban will last through Opening Day. Does alas wreck the excuse of “Really, honey, I didn’t want all those beers, but they were the only large cold drinks I could get.”
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New York Mayor Bloomberg said the people who will be helped by the city’s soda restrictions will be poor people who “don’t have the ability to take care of themselves as well” as the wealthy. Can’t wait to see the next time Bloomberg meets up with Chris Christie.
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Donald Trump said today he’ll cover the costs to keep White House tours open for rest of the year. Makes sense, presume the Donald would want a sponsorship banner or sign: it’s the only way he’ll get his name on a door in the White House.
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How the other half travels: The Four Seasons in Hong Kong has a Club Level package for three night that covers garment pressing – with the note “up to six garments per day.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #ATFR jokes, Bloomberg jokes, Janice Hough, New York soda ban jokes, The Bachelor jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 10, 2013
One week until Selection Sunday for March Madness. Meaning in many American offices, these upcoming five work days will be the last productive ones for some time.
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One nice thing about daylight savings time: Okay, so we lost an hour of sleep. But we’re one hour closer to MLB opening day!
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Jeb Bush now says he didn’t really believe what he wrote in his book – that undocumented immigrants should not be eligible for a path to citizenship . Because he wrote the book last year, at a time when the immigration debate “was dramatically different.” Looks like the “Etch a Sketch” has been passed to a new generation.
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WBC has had some good games. But the only way most folks in the USA will care about the tournament is if their team gets to the championship game.
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Is there any less useful statement in sports than fans yelling to a golf ball “Get in the hole?”
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Liberty’s men’s basketball team won the Big South tournament and so an NCAA bid, with a 15-20 (.429) record. Hard to imagine a team that bad in the tournament. In a bowl game, absolutely.
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One of Oscar Pistorius’s friends said the South African track star is “on the verge of suicide. It really worries me.” Who knew… shooting your girlfriend could be stressful.
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Manny Ramirez, who got no free-agent offers, is apparently off to Taiwan to play in the “China Professional Baseball League.” Wow. A whole new country where “Manny being Manny” can wear out his welcome.
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From T.C. In the Canada/Mexico basebrawl game in Phoenix, Canadian coach Larry Walker was hit with water bottle and a ball thrown from the stands. Security ejected these two fans. They were met outside by Arizona Diamondback scouts who immediately signed them to minor league pitching contracts.
The Chicago Cubs are thinking of adding a mascot. And across American except in Philadelphia, MLB fans are thinking “take our mascot, PLEASE.”
GOP strategist Steve Schmidt said of his Republican party – “An company, any organization in today’s day and age that doesn’t give equal opportunity to women, that doesn’t advance women to the table, is going to be an organization that has difficulty competing.” Wait a minute, what about those full binders?
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Truth from my friend Neil Berliner “Hey TSA: I fly every week. Trust me, these people need deodorant, mouth wash and shampoo more than knives and baseball bats.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, jeb bush jokes. March Madness jokes, WBC jokes
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March 9, 2013
Mitt Romney is returning to work, joining his son Tagg’s investment firm. Well, does President Obama get credit for creating at least this one job?
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The cardinals will start voting in Rome Tuesday to elect a new Pope. The Vatican has announced that no Cardinal over the age of 80 will be allowed to vote. Guess this is the Church’s idea of a youth movement?
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The answer to “Have you no shame?” is sometimes “Yes.”: After President Obama signed the Violence Against Women Act.”. Sen. John Cornyn of Texas released a statement titled, “Cornyn Bill to Eliminate Nationwide Rape Kit Backlog Signed Into Law.” Now Cornyn’s Sexual Assault Forensic Evidence Reporting (SAFER) Act WAS rolled into the VAWA bill. Except Cornyn voted AGAINST it.
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A news report yesterday on Venezuelans filing past to pay their respects to Hugo Chavez said the leader looked “pale and gaunt.” Gosh, so this cancer thing could be serious.
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In talking about all the Yankees injuries, Derek Jeter said “it’s as if someone had voodoo dolls or something.” And in Boston they’re thinking “Who snitched?”
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From an Feb 2013 op-ed in the Washington Times about “my plan for comprehensive reform.” : “Border security, including drones, satellite and physical barriers, vigilant deportation of criminals and increased patrols would begin immediately.” The author? Rand Paul.
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An TSA undercover agent with a fake explosive device in his pants made it through two security checkpoints, including a pat-down, at Newark airport last month. On the other hand, security did find hundreds of four ounce shampoo bottles.
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Hooters is apparently trying to attract women customers by upgrading their food. Here’s another idea, add good looking scantily-clad MALE waiters.
New Math? Got to love it, on the nutritional information label of a “Safeway Select” package of appetizers, it says “Serving size – 5, Servings per container – About 2.” Number of appetizers listed on the package, and actually in the container – 8.
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The U.K. Daily Mail reports that that in Montana, Gregory C. Rodriguez, the television host of “Rifleman’s Journal” and editor of “Shooting Times Magazine,” was allegedly shot dead by the husband of woman he was visiting…. Gosh, if Rodriguez only had a gun to defend himself.
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So the same week Joy Behar announced she was leaving “the View,” Elisabeth Hasselbeck was fired. Women are thinking, “Wow, wonder what happened.” Men are thinking “Who are these women and what view are we talking about?”
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From T.C. ”
Queen Elizabeth spent the weekend in the hospital being treated for gastroenteritis, a stomach infection. Her Majesty still did what she gets paid for, sitting on the throne.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Congress jokes, Janice Hough, sports jokes, TSA jokes, Yankees jokes
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March 6, 2013
TSA announced that passengers will be able to carry sporting equipment including golf clubs and souvenir baseball bats onto planes next month. Members of the the 2013 NY Yankees will even be able to carry full-sized bats, because TSA doesn’t think they will hit anything.
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As of midnight, Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez are still dead.
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Just read that Americans waste 1/3 of the food they buy. But bet none of that waste includes chocolate.
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Okay, President Obama can’t lock all of Congress away until they come up with a deal. But it’s a shame he couldn’t have called an emergency session tonight in advance of the big storm about to hit D.C. And then immediately furloughed all the snowplowers….
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Jeb Bush said Monday, and in his new book, that he opposes a pathway to citizenship for undocumented immigrants. Tuesday Jeb said he would endorse such a pathway if it did not incentivize illegal immigration. Adding “We wrote this book last year, not this year.” Even Mitt Romney said “That was fast.”
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After Serge Ibaka hit Blake Griffin in the groin during a game Sunday, the NBA decided to fine the Oklahoma City star $25,000 but not suspend him. And I’m sure this decision would have been the same had the Thunder been playing, say, the Sacramento Kings tonight instead of the Lakers on national television.
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George Shultz will be speaking in Washington this Friday urging action on climate change, including a carbon tax. Waiting for the first GOP member of Congress to accuse Shultz of being a “commie pinko Californian.”
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Justin Bieber is taking a lot of heat in England for a show in London where he didn’t appear on stage until almost 1030p. Does Bieber not realize that if you’re old enough to stay up that late, you’re too old to be one of his fans?
Denied the use of a $1 internet coupon, a woman at a Walmart allegedly pulled out a handgun and threatened employees. Then she fought with arresting officers. She is now in jail. The state? Of course. Flori-duh.
(If Walmart employees decide to arm themselves do they get an employee discount on their personal guns? Just wondering?)
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Jon Stewart says starting in June he will take an eight week break from “The Daily Show” to produce and direct a feature film. Yikes. What will we do without the Walter Cronkite of our generation?
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The Chicago Blackhawks won their 10th consecutive game tonight. Said Chicago Cubs fans – “You can do that?”
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Regarding this pissing match about hypothetical drones between Eric Holder and Rand Paul, here’s a hypothetical question:. If an American citizen stole an 757 jet, and announced in midair he was flying it to recreate 9-11 with another U.S. skyscraper, does the President have the authority to order the military to use a drone to shoot him down?
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Justin Bieber jokes, sequester jokes, TSA jokes, Yankees jokes
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March 5, 2013
Kim Jong Un’s wife apparently secretly gave birth in late 2012. This could further explain why the North Korean dictator wanted Rodman to visit – not only does Dennis know basketball but no doubt he was also the baby’s first clown.
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No brainer? Magic Johnson has offered LeBron James $1 million to participate in the NBA’s slam dunk contest. Seriously LeBron, do the dunks, take the $1 million, donate it to charity. Might be the best “Decision” you ever publicly made.
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Charlie Sheen is saying that Lindsay Lohan needs help and is offering to be her mentor. Which is a nice thought, but just exactly how screwed up do you have to be before Charlie Sheen is your voice of reason?
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Anyone else get the impression listening to Mitt Romney now that instead of having to run for President, he feels that he should have just been appointed to the job, like a Pope?
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Reggie Bush says that Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo “definitely could” have made it in the NFL? Maybe, though like most soccer stars, it would have been an adjustment for Ronaldo to learn about falling on the the ground hard when he was REALLY hit.
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Joe Flacco says his new 6-year $120.6 million deal with Baltimore “wasn’t necessarily about the money. It was about earning that respect and feeling like I was respected around here.”
So if the Ravens had offered him $100 million, would Flacco have felt disrespected?-
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Marissa Mayer reportedly came up with her directive abolishing telecommuting when she found out that employees weren’t logging in at home as much as they were supposed to be. Or is it just possible they tried regularly, and ofter couldn’t get Yahoo mail to work….
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Apparently there are already some extra long airport wait times at Customs and things will get worse in TSA lines due to the sequester. But surely at this difficult time the U.S. can find money in the budget to make sure all members of Congress go through secondary screening.
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A question no one would have heard not that long ago. “I forgot my phone, can you please tell me what time it is?”
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NY GM Brian Cashman broke his ankle this morning skydiving. Who does he think he is, part of the Yankees’ putative starting lineup?
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Gonzaga is #1 in the AP men’s basketball poll today. There goes any hope they had of being the tournament’s Cinderella.
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Really? Actual headline from this morning: “Kate Middleton Attends Wedding While Nearly Five Months Pregnant.” Shocking what some women are able to accomplish..
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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: A little tacky but … “Quoting Youngbloods, everybody try to love one another right now. Except for that witch blocking the grocery aisle with her cart. Die, whore”
(I’m thinking the same on a few folks with 35 items in the Express Line.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, March madness jokes, Mitt Romney jokes, North Korea jokes, Rodman jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
March 2, 2013
Oops, Obama confused Star Trek and Star Wars by referring to a possible “Jedi Mind Meld” with Republicans. So much for that title “E! Online” gave the President of “Commander in Geek.
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Just as well in some ways the President messed up the line, these days had he gotten the Star Wars reference right, Republicans might have accused him of being born on the asteroid colony Polis Massa
A CNN lab test of Budweiser showed that the beer contained 4.94% alcohol by volume, compared with 5% stated on the label. Oh the horror. Where’s the class action lawsuit?
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Gov. Chris Christie says he will appeal a decision upholding a ban on sports gambling in New Jersey. Of course what he means is “legal” sports gambling in New Jersey.
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Not sure what it says about our country that more Americans seem to care about President Obama’s mixing of Star Wars and Star Trek metaphors than the sequester….
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Dorothy Hamill, 56, is appearing this weekend in San Jose in the “Stars on Ice” tour. Wonder if the show’s grand finale will feature Hamill screaming “You punks get off my rink.”
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Facebook is having reporters come to their headquarters next week to “come see a new look for News Feed.” What, have too many users gotten comfortable with the current version?
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Manti Te’o says no teams asked about his sexual orientation at the NFL Combine. Which is good, but have to wonder if it’s because some teams figured they didn’t have to….
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Now traces of horse meat have been found in food served at Taco Bell’s UK restaurants. This fortunately would never happen in the U.S. No one has ever accused our Taco Bell food of containing any actual meat.
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The President of Groupon was fired yesterday. Wonder if the board told him by sending him a message saying his deal had expired.
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A Florida man was apparently swallowed last night by a sinkhole under his bedroom. Other Floridians were dismayed, especially as the man wasn’t Governor Rick Scott.
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Okay, it’s tacky, but anyone else think this Hugo Chavez death watch is turning into a Monty Python skit? “Not dead yet, sleeping…”
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From Marc Ragovin: “So Dennis Rodman has been hanging out with Kim Jung Un. One is an unstable madman bent on world destruction, while the other is the leader of North Korea.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, jedi mind meld jokes, Manti Teo jokes, Obama jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
March 1, 2013
Steve Nash says he does not regret deciding to join the Los Angeles Lakers. Makes sense, at his age, Nash likes the idea having playoff season off.
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In the Honda Classic tournament Thursday Tiger Woods walked into the water on the 6th hole to play a partially submerged ball and save par. Of course, long-time golf fans remember the days Tiger used to walk on water to make birdies.
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Dennis Rodman has been publicly and happily hanging out in Pyongyang with Kim Jong Un. Well, this ought to dispel North Koreans’ image of Americans as a strange and perverted people.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: A California woman says she was fired for being pregnant by her fiance (who is now her husband.) Because pre-marital sex was in violation of the San Diego Christian College “Handbook and Community Covenant.” The part you can’t make up, the school then the man they knew to be her fiance a job.
(of course, if they really believed the fiance to be innocent of premarital sex maybe they should have not only reinstated the woman but made joyful planes for a Second Coming.)
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The subcompact Toyota Yaris has a speedometer that goes up to 140 mph, although apparently the car can’t top 109. On the other hand, many scales designed for American adults still have all the numbers below 100.
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So I’m low-tech, but have to think most of America is wondering – is there an app that would allow you to watch American Idol and automatically block not only commercials, but also block Nicki Minaj?
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Asked about his position on a bill in Wisconsin requiring ultrasounds before abortions, GOP Rep. Sean Duffy responded “I don’t know what a trans-vaginal ultrasound is. I’ve never had one.” And women are thinking, “Hmm, how can we demonstrate the concept to him?”
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All this controversy over NFL prospects being asked about their sexual orientation…. Maybe some teams are hoping for gay players… would cut down on the out-of-wedlock children.
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Pope Benedict’s farewell tour has everything but a bobblehead.
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Lindsay Lohan is heading for another trial, this time over last year’s car crash, after reportedly rejecting rehab plea bargain that would have kept her out of jail. Makes sense, not like a trial has ever really put her in jail either.
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Baltimore’s Terrell Suggs said he “guarantees the other 31 [NFL] teams hate the New England Patriots.” Is Suggs working on having 31 teams hate the Ravens too?
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from TC – “Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo, who has been a supporter of gay rights, said that the NFL will have its first openly gay player by 2014. Vegas has already made any Tight End player a 1-5 favorite. Second choice at 1-1 is anyone named Rock or Elton.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dennis Rodman jokes, Janice Hough, Lindsay Lohan jokes, NBA jokes, NFL jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 28, 2013
Our long Wisconsin nightmare is over. The Milwaukee Brewers’ running Italian sausage, “Guido”, had been missing,, until two mystery men dropped off the costume in a bar. Wonder if they decided any plan to hold the sausage for ransom wouldn’t cut the mustard.
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A class-action suit claims Anheuser-Busch is watering down their beer. With all due respect, how would Budweiser drinkers know?
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Old 49er quarterbacks never die, they just move to Kansas City.
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A new company “Powerful Yogurt,” is trying to overcome the image of yogurt as women’s food by making a Greek yogurt “for men by men.” What, does it taste like beer?
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54% of California registered voters who responded to a recent Field survey supported legalizing marijuana for recreational use. Which is impressive considering the number of probable “yes” voters who just forgot to respond to the survey.
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Larry Flynt told “Hollywood Reporter” he has been working on a two year campaign to out a prominent anti-gay GOP congressman. Not sure who will be happier if he succeeds, Democrats, gays, or the nation’s comedy writers.
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The NFL says they are investigating reports that teams at the scouting combines asked prospects about their sexual preference. Have to assume that many of the young men involved if asked what their sexual preference was would simply reply “frequently.”
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Joint effort with my friend Pete Brody, who saw a man at Orlando International Airport with T-shirt saying “There are only 2 types of women: those who use brooms and those that ride on them”. Where is a crazy woman (or dog) taking advantage of Florida’s loose gun laws when we need them?
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Only silver lining with the Stanford men’s third consecutive home basketball loss – 65-63 to Colorado – Wednesday night? Doesn’t look like the players will have any distraction from final exams this March.
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Lane Kiffin said that if former USC QB Matt Barkley had the defense that Matt Leinart and Carson Palmer had, he would have won the Heisman Trophy just like they did. Hmm, and what if Barkley had had the head coach they did….?
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As the potential “sequester” approaches, NJ Governor Chris Christie criticized both parties for not providing “bipartisanship and leadership.” If Christie really wants to motivate folks in Washington, maybe he could just threaten to sit on them.
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Justice Antonin Scalia today referred to the Voting Rights Act as “perpetuation of racial entitlement.” And somewhere MLK is thinking “I have a nightmare.”
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Better line from my friend Todd Harris, “Anyone notice that the Voting Rights Act is “out of date” because it’s about 50 years old, but the nearly 250 year old 2nd Amendment is ever current.?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, beer jokes, Janice Hough, Milwaukee Brewers sausage jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
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February 27, 2013
A woman was only slightly injured in Florida after she tried to preheat an oven where her friend had stored a magazine from his Glock. And when the heated magazine exploded. Forget background checks for gun owners, maybe we need to start with IQ tests.
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A thought about former Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop, who just died at the age of 96, was a conservative evangelical Christian. But he supported condoms and sex education in schools to help stop the spread of AIDS. These days some in the GOP would have called for his recall.
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Lindsay Lohan’s new lawyer is in trouble for sending a letter to the Santa Monica and L.A. City Attorneys claiming he is working with the prosecutor to “fix” Lindsay. “Fix Lindsay Lohan?” It would be easier to turn this into a bipartisan session of Congress.
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N.J. Gov. Chris Christie today became the eighth GOP Governor who, while decrying Obamacare, decided he would accept the portion that expands Medicaid to more low-income adults in his state. So should we start a pool on who will be ninth? (Or as my friend Linda asks, “who will be last?”)
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Angels’ manager Mike Scioscia says he’s not worried about the apparent 10-15 extra pounds Mike Trout packed on in the offseason. The young man after all is still only about half a Panda.
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Miss Delaware Teen USA, who just turned 18, has given up her crown after she was reportedly seen in a sex video. On the brighter side, the precocious young woman could be named an honorary Kardashian.
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The California Legislative Women’s Caucus formally complained Wednesday to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences that Seth MacFarlane’s Oscar hosting “struck a new low in its treatment of women.” Uh oh, has anyone warned these folks about that “50 Shades” moving coming out?
(And I realize not all my women friends will agree with me here, but come on, Seth MacFarlane, what did they EXPECT? Especially if any one’s seen “Family Guy.” Maybe he should have also done a reprise of the SNL skit “D*ck in a box.”)
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Another Oscar thought from Alex Kaseberg: ” The Oscar show was so long, during the broadcast, Taylor Swift dated a guy, broke up with him, and then wrote and recorded a song about what a jerk he was before it was over.”
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From my funny friend Jim Barach, (this one’s for my son, Carey Schwartz.) : “Scientists say that Mars may still be inhabitable today. After all, look at how many people are still living in New Jersey.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Florida jokes, gun jokes, Janice Hough, Oscar jokes, spring training jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 