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VOTE and other four letter words….

October 7, 2013

John Boehner this morning: “The votes are not in the House to pass a clean debt limit.” Gosh. If there were only a simple way to find out whether or not the Speaker is right.

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And Boehner says while refusing to let the House vote on a clean bill simply to end the shutdown, President Obama “has my number.” What? 1-800-Douchebag?

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Canadian-born Texas Senator Ted Cruz today linked raising the debt ceiling to defunding Obamacare. Amazing, a man born in a country where everyone has healthcare, working in a job where everyone has healthcare, doesn’t think everyone else deserves healthcare.

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Bizarre fact about Stanford football this year. The only game that is not sold out is the “Big Game” against Berkeley. Of course, as my friend Michael McNabb put it, “Cal is taking a bye year.”

Back to sports for a bit:

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#AndrewLuck does what his former coach couldn’t do this year. Beat Pete Carroll and the Seahawks.

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Pittsburgh Pirates team payroll, about $66 million. $7 million less than A-Rod, Vernon Wells and Alfonso Soriano by themselves.

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Okay, who had the New Orleans Saints and KC Chiefs 5-0 and the NY Giants 0-5? Now all you liars put your hands down.

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51-48.  So who decided that today the Cowboys and Broncos were going to play arena football?

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A 9-year-old boy got through security and onto a Delta Air Lines flight at Minneapolis Airport without a ticket this week. But no doubt TSA found and confiscated his bottle of water?

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Manti T’eo and the San Diego Chargers played the Raiders in Oakland Sunday night, and fans in the “Black Hole” had a banner ready: ““R.I.P. Lennay Kekua.” Well, that might answer one question, where do Stanford Band members go after they graduate?

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From Jim Barach  “California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars.”

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A California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/272724/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-October-4-2013-Edition-439#sthash.4IcKrR46.dpuf

A California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Jim Barach of WCH

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/272724/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-October-4-2013-Edition-439#sthash.4IcKrR46.dpuf

At the California GOP convention, many attendees said they were worried about mid-term elections after this shutdown to repeal Obamacare. Well, maybe Boehner will just lead the next shutdown to try to repeal the 19th amendment.

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British newspapers are reporting that Prince Harry may soon marry his girlfriend Cressida Bonas. Prompting a singular response from male British royal watchers – WWPW – What will Pippa Wear?

 

Apparently U.S. forces have captured a major Al Qaeda leader in Libya, a man who was wanted for the 1998 bombings of U.S. embassies in Africa. Finally, something for which the GOP will not blame Obama.

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The playing’s the thing.

October 6, 2013

Navy beat Air Force in a game played Saturday despite the government shutdown. Now, if somehow due to security issues ALL football games were cancelled during the shutdown, this thing would be over by 1p Sunday – the time of the first NFL kickoffs.

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During all these college football games, universities like to run commercials touting their academics complete with lots of pictures. A shame players probably don’t see the ads, many of them would enjoy seeing what the classrooms look like.

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Listening to some of these members of Congress who say they NEED their paychecks: If you can’t live on $174,000 a year with a little cushion for emergencies how dare you say you know how to manage taxpayer money?

 

Oops, regulators had to halt trading in Tweeter Home Entertainment Group after their shares surged 2,200%, to 15 cents. Tweeter went out of business in 2007, but their symbol TWTRQ, is one letter shorter than Twitter’s TWTR, which will IPO in November. Right, if we privatize social security what could POSSIBLY go wrong?

 

 

Obama said that if he were the owner of the Washington Redskins, and he knew the name was “offending a sizable group of people,” then he would “think about changing it.’ Now, if the President did suddenly own the Redskins, he’d start with some real bipartisan goodwill, as the current owner offends nearly everyone. #DanSnydersucks

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Alabama 45, Georgia State 3.    But the Crimson Tide didn’t cover the 55 point spread yet. Once again, showing that the official food of the SEC should be the cupcake.

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Headline about the driver shot and killed outside the Capitol last week “Police say woman deluded about Obama.” Uh, doesn’t that describe most Fox News viewers?

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Getting the sense that John Boehner has backed himself into a round room and is looking to hide in a safe corner. #Shutdown

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The House is apparently behind a resolution to give back pay to furloughed government employees for the time they end up not working. Are they trying to turn them all into honorary members of Congress?

 

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, asked why 2/3 of the uninsured in Texas have jobs — but no health care. “Again, it goes back to the choice that people get to make. Would you rather have a job, or would you rather be on public assistance? It’s as simple as that.” I guess it’s also a simple choice not to get sick?

 

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Stanford out-gained by 200 yards tonight but hung on to win 31-28. No first downs in the fourth quarter… This time Cardinal fans were glad all the East Coast viewers had gone to bed.

 

 

NY Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday afternoon. Scary thing is, somebody has to win.

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “The NFC East is so weak, I think one more Giants’ loss and they clinch a first round bye.

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Not the best and the brightest.

September 22, 2013

Some discussion on whether or not Redskins should change their name. After this week D.C. residents are thinking to avoid embarrassment maybe the team should drop the “Washington.”

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If team keeps playing like the last 2 weeks wonder how long it will take San Franciscans to ask them to change name to Santa Clara #49ers?

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But really, watching the NFC East, are we sure it’s not too late to make an exception to the NFL rule that someone has to win every division?

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Mick Jagger is going to be a great-grandfather. Wonder if the baby will grow up to buy his/her first beer at a Rolling Stones’ farewell concert.

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At this point fans who buy tickets to see games involving the Houston Astros are just paying for the live-action version of a forfeit.

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A lot of people are just discovering you don’t bet against #AndrewLuck in the San Francisco Bay Area. #Gostanford #Cardinalrules

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The injustice of it all. How did Fox & Friends get left out of the Emmy nominations for best comedy? #Emmys

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French customs officials intercepted 1.3 TONS of cocaine in checked luggage on an Air France flight from Venezuela to Paris. This would never have happened on a U.S. airline. The smugglers wouldn’t have paid the excess baggage charges.

Looks like SF may have some competition for most disappointing sports team named Giants in 2013.

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Michigan managed to beat Akron by 4, and escaped with a 3 point win over Connecticut. Maybe they have a chance of covering next week’s spread… against “bye week.”

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ESPN is reporting that Von Miller and his urine collector tried to beat the NFL drug testing by substituting another person’s specimen. Which might have worked except someone discovered that the Broncos LB was not in the city where his collection was supposed to have taken place. A source says there is concern the NFL may have a problem beyond Miller and the collector involved. Ya think…..

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Shoot, look who’s the messenger!

September 19, 2013

Pope Francis said in an interview that the Catholic church has been too focused on the issues of abortion, gay marriage and contraception and suggests it find a “new balance” to deliver its message. Would Francis like to come to America and deliver the same message to the Republican party?

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A Pennsylvania man was charged with a DUI, on a riding lawn mower. Wonder if their first clue was that he thought he was driving his car?

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Japanese baseball commissioner Ryozo Kato resigned over a controversy involving a new home run record. (The league had switched to a livelier baseball.) Meanwhile, of course, Bud Selig has had NOTHING to do with any of MLB’s home run record issues….

(this last item brought to you by the Brooklyn Bridge realty company.)

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Apparently one $400 million winning Powerball ticket was sold today in South Carolina. So regarding Miss Carolina’s comment in the Miss America pageant that 20% of her state lives in mobile homes – make that 20% minus 1.

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NASA is looking for participants in a test study to help them find out how the human body reacts to 70 days in a bed rest position. The first questions from most potential men volunteers – “Do we get our own remotes, and how many channels?”

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Trent Richardson says he’s excited to join the Colts. A much more positive response than “Thank Gawd I am out of Cleveland.”

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From T.C.   “As each week passes, we get closer to the day when Johnny Manziel signs his autograph for real money. Too bad it will be on a contract with the Jaguars or Browns.”

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Just thinking, if women with PMS or menopause symptoms regularly picked up weapons and went after strangers, we might be having a very different discussion on gun control.

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John McCain wrote a scathing retort to Vladimir Putin for the Russian newspaper Pravda’s online English website. Wonder if the credits underneath said something like “This is from U.S. Senator John McCain. The man who wanted his vice-president to be Sarah Palin.”

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Only three things have kept 2013 #SFGiants from being a playoff contender – June, July and August.

 

My son Carey adds, only three things have kept the Houston Astros from being a playoff contender – Spring, Summer and Fall.

 

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So Thursday was #TalkLikeAPirateDay. But what does a Wall Street banker sound like?

 

 

Trent Richardson says he’s excited to join the Colts. A much more positive response than “Thank Gawd I am out of Cleveland.”

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Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay, who has been free on bail, got his 2010 conviction for money laundering was overturned today. Give Illinois some credit – at least they jail their politicians who are crooks.

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Yo, Bud Selig, for teams that don’t make the playoffs, late September should be about playing spoiler. But the SF Giants trying to spoil it for the…. NY Yankees?

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Ah, that bridge to the 19th century: Ron Paul, talking about how he hopes to have 20% of children home schooled.  And for women “These are the problems I’m trying to correct . Because they have to be in the workforce and they have to work and not take care of kids….”

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Finished at the finish line?

September 18, 2013

So what is going on in Texas? Are the Rangers just trying to spare their fans the pain of another postseason collapse?

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Meanwhile with NY having lost 4 of 5  and looking increasingly unlikely to make the postseason, wonder if ESPN will preempt playoff coverage for highlights of old Yankees-Red Sox games.

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Texas A & M reported they raised more than $740 million in donations in the past fiscal year. Gosh, that’s probably a few hundred Johnny Manziel autograph sessions.

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Tiger Woods wants to see a time limit placed on viewers being able to call-in of possible rules violations. Specifically, until five minutes before Tiger himself tees off.

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From T.C.   “The PGA may put a halt to fans phoning in rules violations. Tiger got dinged with penalties at The Masters & BMW Championship this year after viewers called citing rule breaches. Woods’ GF Lindsey Vonn, however, said fans are welcome to call her any time if they see Tiger committing any infractions, such as being in the company of pancake or cocktail waitresses.”

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Elton John says Miley Cyrus is a “meltdown waiting to happen.” Uh, some might say the wait is over.

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Beanie Baby creator Ty Warner will plead guilty to tax evasion and pay a $53.5 million penalty. Wonder if he’s negotiating to pay the fine in Beanie Babies.

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Due to winds and tides, the America’s Cup probable final race now will be Thursday. But when this is over, do hope New Zealand gives some honor to Larry Ellison. Who else could get most Americans to root for a foreign opponent against their own country?

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The House is trying to defund Obamacare again, this time threatening to shutdown the government. When asked how Boehner would manage such a potential shutdown, Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan said “Even the best coaches in the N.F.L. only script out the first two series of plays. They don’t script the whole game.” Uh, but the best coaches in the NFL don’t keep on starting with the same ineffectual play 40 times in a row.

 

Phrase I would like to nominate for retirement: “It will do no good to legislate (fill-in-the-blank) because criminals will break the law.” By that standard we should toss out all laws and regulations, since people will disobey traffic rules, cheat on taxes, steal, assault and murder each other, etc.,

 

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Many people are saying that the U.S gun laws are not to blame for mass murders; rather it’s things like mental health and poverty. Okay, I guess I would take those folks more seriously if they were also for increasing mental health funding and the minimum wage.

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Monday mourning.

September 16, 2013

If only the worst headline in D.C. today was about the the Redskins.

But as another sad shooting story filled front pages and rumors fly, the one thing, as usual, that immediately seemed was a certainty about the shooter or shooters in Washington, D.C. was the term “male.”

(A friend said this “punchline” is stale.  Believe me, I’d be glad to retire it.   )

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In the SF Bay Area, when we turn to late night local news, it’s often almost a said cliche that there was yet another shooting in Oakland. Have to be thinking, in Canada and England, do they turn on the news and think the same about the USA?

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Okay, back to sports etc….

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Seattle fans say they set a Guinness World Records mark for loudest stadium during last nights Seahawks 49ers game, 131.9 decibels. Is this really a challenge they want to lay down when the new 49ers stadium is opening in perhaps the technology capital of the world?

The Texas Rangers have lost 7 in a row? What’s going on? It’s September, only the Dallas Cowboys are supposed to suck.

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On a warm fuzzy sports note the Red Sox did have a really nice tribute to Mariano Rivera last night. Of course, it was probably warmer and fuzzier because Boston doesn’t think they’ll see him in the postseason.

Just a thought. Are there any middle ground options between Tiger Woods winning the tournament, and Tiger Woods whining about the tournament?

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Suspended Tigers SS Jhonny Peralta, eligible to return Sept. 27, is heading to the instructional league this week. Have to wonder what “instruction” he might share with minor leaguers.

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The the “gentlemen” of Delta Kappa Epilson at LSU thought it was a good idea before the Kent State game last Saturday to put up a banner saying “Getting Massacred Is Nothing New to Kent St.” Well that ought to do wonders for the image of SEC frat boys being Neanderthals.

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#Jaguars fans rallying to push the team to sign #TimTebow. A few more games like last night’s and #49ers fans will be right behind them.

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A few thoughts over last Saturday’s ASU-Wisconsin game . 1. The refs screwed up. 2. Instant replay doesn’t overcome incompetence. 3. If you have a play designed simply to take a knee, EXECUTE it cleanly.

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Just guessing if Stanford ever has a ceremony to celebrate their big 2011 Orange Bowl win, they’re not going to put Richard Sherman and his former coach Jim Harbaugh next to each other.

 

Jerry Seinfeld will be part of the broadcast crew Tuesday night for the NY Mets and SF Giants game. As if the two teams’ play this year hasn’t been comical enough.

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From Jim Barach:  Free Wi-Fi will be available to fans going to the Philadelphia Eagles stadium, Lincoln Financial Field. That will allow them to log their computers into NFL.com and watch all the football games that actually matter.

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From Marc Ragovin:   “Interesting results from NYC school kids’ testing. While a vast majority could not do simple arithmetic, 97% correctly figured out when the Mets would be mathematically eliminated from contention.”

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And finally a  little bipartisan picture humor for a day when we need it.

Image

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There she is….

September 15, 2013

Miss America was tonight. Women tune in for the dresses. Men tune in for the swimsuit competition. And comedy writers tune in for the interview questions.

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Okay, clearly the fix was in. Miss California, a Stanford graduate, got the Miss America question about bombing Syria….

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Lebron James apparently married his long-time girlfriend in a private ceremony. Kudos to him for not making a circus out of THAT decision.

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Vladimir Guerrero announced his retirement from baseball. Since he last played in 2011, perhaps he didn’t need to announce it? (Still wish the SF Giants had signed him when Alou was managing, they might have gotten that trophy with the little flags sooner.)

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Not sure of all that will go on in Wisconsin’s football practices this week. But a “taking a knee” clinic will no doubt be included.

You think YOUR team is bad? WKMG TV in Orlando felt they needed to run a scrolled message today saying that NFL policy states the station must carry all Jacksonville Jaguars away games. The end of the message said: “We apologize for any inconvenience.”

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And we wonder why we have gridlock. The Tea Party in Kentucky is backing a primary challenger to Senator Mitch McConnell, because they think he compromises too much and is too moderate….

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Silver lining moment: This was one Sunday when NY Jets fans know their team won’t disappoint them.

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–A young man was hospitalized with non-life threatening injures after he fell four stories through a skylight at an Massachusetts Institute of Technology fraternity. Shocking. MIT has fraternities?

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Another thought on the above young man.  Just guessing he got an F on that first aeronautical engineering project?

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Oops. This correction in Arizona Highways magazine after an article on edible wild plants: “The fly agaric mushroom should not be consumed in its raw form because of its unpredictable psychotropic and physical effects,”
Unsaid to those who already tried the fly agaric, also known as a “magic mushroom”, – we REALLY hope you aren’t driving.

(or as friends of mine suggest… flying..)

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Larry Summers withdrew his name from consideration for Federal Reserve chairman. Thereby wasting more than a few Senators’ already written speeches against him.

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Anyone watching SF Giants and 49ers today who didn’t know the standings might have guessed the wrong team expected to go to the postseason. (And the Giants scored more too.)

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Not sure what would have helped the 49ers tonight?  Maybe more lightning?

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Okay, Richard Sherman was smirking after tonight’s 49rs-Seahawks game. But have to think that somewhere Alex Smith was smiling just a little bit.

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Barfman ?

September 14, 2013

A rumor is circulating that Justin Bieber is up for the role of Robin in the next Batman movie. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country? Think the reaction from most liberals and conservatives is – “I’m going to throw up.”

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ESPN says they have obtained a photo of Texas A&M QB Johnny Manziel signing for autograph broker Drew Tieman this January. Gosh if this is authentic and the NCAA had seen it, Manziel might have been suspended for three whole quarters.

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Cal’s football team did lose 52-34 to Ohio State Saturday night. But is it a moral victory that they scored 15 more than the SF Giants did in LA?

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The Fresno State-Colorado football game was cancelled due to flooding. Colorado coach Mike MacIntyre said “There are a lot of issues out there that are a lot bigger than football.” Now there’s a man who will never coach in Texas.

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This week, a Pennsylvania appeals court will hear Jerry Sandusky’s challenge to his child molestation conviction. If he loses, can they change his sentence to be served in the general population?

Quote from Harry S Truman, who may be smiling about Syria today: “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”

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Oregon-Tennessee uniforms are as ugly as the game. The 80s called, they want their color scheme back.

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Oregon 59 – #Tennessee 7. Last time young men from the South were beaten this badly by young men from the North, General Lee was arranging terms of surrender.

.And lastly, from my friend Michael Schilby.  If this story isn’t true it should be.  Dedicated to all of us who have had TMI moments on public transit:

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

“Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”.

“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.

“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss”.

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any more.

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Cattiness.

September 13, 2013

Hope everyone had a safe Friday the 13th. And remember, black cats are only really unlucky if you trip over one while you are texting and walking.

 

The SI report on abuses at Oklahoma State includes football players saying that recruits and school hostesses had sex. Shocking. Guess the gals were supposed to wait to sleep with the players until after they had committed.

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Strange times in Pittsburgh. The Pirates may well be playing meaningful games later into the year than the Steelers.

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A Pennsylvania judge Thursday ordered a suburban Philadelphia court clerk to stop issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Where is the conservative outrage about judicial activism and government interference in private lives?

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Sign of the times: Chris Davis tonight became the latest member of baseball’s 50 HR club. A feat that now not only brings “Congratulations,” but also “Wonder what he’s taking”

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Some like to ascribe natural disasters to God’s punishment of sinful behavior: Haven’t heard any of those folks wondering whether the floods in Colorado might mean God didn’t like the state voting out representatives who favor gun control.

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A story on NFL.com today is titled “Concussion issue continues to grow in Major League Baseball.” Large black pot, smaller black kettle?

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A U.S. man who was trying to emulate the movie “Up” and cross the Atlantic Ocean from Maine to France using only hundreds of helium balloons, has landed a bit short…. in Newfoundland. “Missed it by THAT much” said Darwin.

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For two hours yesterday, United was accidentally selling tickets online for $10 roundtrip. Which means by the time fees are added a lot of people will have purchased trips for only about $400.

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Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s mom, was arrested last night for DWI and speeding in New York, allegedly with a blood alcohol of .20. Guess the apple didn’t stagger far from the tree.

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The Russian newspaper Pravda is indicating that in response to Putin’s op-ed in the NY Times, they will accept and print John McCain’s rebuttal op-ed. That is, unless they get a better offer – like an op-ed from Sarah Palin.

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Tiger Woods was penalized two strokes today in the BMW tournament for moving his ball. Not nearly as much as the, uh, moving balls cost him with Elin….

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Rai$ing the bar?

September 10, 2013

SI is reporting that when Les Miles coached at Oklahoma State, players were allegedly paid from $2,000 to $10,000 annually, with a few receiving $25,000 or more. And wonder at how many schools, current players are thinking “cheapskates.”

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Two prison guards have been placed on leave while Ohio investigators look into the suicide of Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro. Instead of having them do nothing could we transfer the two men and have them temporarily guard Jerry Sandusky?

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The NFL fined Ndamukong Suh was fined $100,000 for his hit on John Sullivan Sunday, but they won’t suspend him. Makes sense, with Suh suspended the league’s fine totals would likely be greatly reduced.

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49ers QB Colin Kaepernick apparently has a bet going this week with Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. Quick where’s Roger Goodell with the fines?

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As Anthony Weiner’s car drove away after his concession speech, the candidate flipped the bird at a reporter. Stay classy, Carlos Danger.

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Spitzer and Weiner, both gone. Who knew the voters of New York were less forgiving of moral lapses than those in South Carolina?

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Fox’s Dana Perino is “tired” of atheists trying to remove the phrase “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance. “If these people really don’t like it, they don’t have to live here.” Right, because who in America would argue against the words of the Founding Fathers… Oops, wait, never mind…..

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Anyone but me getting the sense that some in the GOP hope this potential Syria diplomatic solution fails?

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Just wondering, of all the members of Congress who publicly responded to President Obama’s Syria speech, did any of them compose their response after the speech?

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Mitch McConnell gave a speech on the Senate floor today opposing Obama’s potential air strikes, saying “There are just too many unanswered questions about our long-term strategy in Syria.” Shame he didn’t have these scruples with Iraq.

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Gosh, how sorry does Bud Selig feel for the Yankees this year? MLB has them opening in 2014 against the Houston Astros.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I hope the NY Yankees don’t make the playoffs. But the only silver lining if they do is the thought of Bud Selig sweating over the remote possibility of awarding the World Series MVP to A-Rod.

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Light up the night?

September 8, 2013

The 2020 Olympics has been awarded to Tokyo. The city was an early favorite but has been dealing with mounting worries over the Fukushima nuclear plant. Well, on a brighter note, we could end up with the first glow-in-the-dark Olympic medals.

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In the first America’s Cup race the two boats have come within inches of each other several times. Now, that’s a way to increase viewership – demolition derby?

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During their upset lost to Miami, Florida had to burn a critical 4th quarter time out because of 12 men on the field during a PAT. Maybe this will prompt a new SEC emphasis on athletes taking math?

 

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Meanwhile, Stanford won 34-13 over San Jose State, beating the Spartans soundly but not covering the spread. Although coach David Shaw basically had the Cardinal kneel down in San Jose State territory for the last couple minutes of the game to run out the clock.

Stanford fans know  Jim Harbaugh is well and truly gone – he’d have probably called passes into the end zone and then gone for two.

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SI is planning to publish articles about alleged “inappropriate activities and actions” from 2001-2007 in Oklahoma State’s football program -including athletes being paid, drug abuse, grade changes, and hostesses providing sex to recruits. And gosh, what ever happened to the Cowboys’ coach from that time?

(For football fans who don’t follow it that closely, the coach from 2001-2004 was Les Miles. Since 2005 he has coached LSU.)

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When Irish eyes are crying: Notre Dame 30, Michigan 41.

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From Jerry Perisho:  “This season, Manti Teo’s imaginary girlfriend dates a player from Michigan.”

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Washington State 10,  USC 7.  “Gosh do we wish we had hired Lane Kiffin as our coach” said no NCAA school anywhere.

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There may be a more useless trend at games than having fans tweet random messages to put on the scoreboard. But offhand hard to think of one.

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All these GOP members of Congress waxing so poetically about our need to avoid military intervention in the Mideast. I do imagine at “The Daily Show” interns are working overtime taking notes and saving video clips for future use.

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So Dennis Rodman made another visit to his good friend Kim Jong Un. Guessing the Worm didn’t bring a copy of his ex-girlfriend Madonna’s “Sex” book.

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The 2014 Super Bowl halftime act will be… Bruno Mars? Is that because an outdoor game in winter will be too cold for the usual old farts?

Bill Littlejohn’s take on the situation: The Super Bowl halftime show will  be performed by Bruno Mars.  Fitting, because the only place likely to feel colder than the stands at the Super Bowl that day will be Mars”

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Not all in?

September 5, 2013

Many are still buzzing over why John McCain was playing online poker during the Senate hearing on Syria. Maybe because he couldn’t figure out “Candy Crush?”

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Souvenir soda cups were sold at Notre Dame’s season opener with the words “FIGTHING IRISH” written on them. Who knew, the school had serious aspirations of joining the SEC?”

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Ariel Castro’s lawyer said some might see his suicide as “a happy ending to this story. But we’re in a civilized society and no one should really be celebrating this.” Oh, I don’t know. U.S. taxpayers for starters?

 

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The Chinese state media said the country needs to invest in promoting Mandarin, as more than 400 million Chinese are unable to speak the national language, and many in the country don’t speak it well. If they figure it out, maybe they can help America with our citizens and English?

 

A NY Post column today says “Can Jets win Super Bowl? Hey, there’s no law against it.” Last I looked there was no law against pigs flying either.

 

 

Oops. A Las Vegas billboard promoting UNLV athletics featured football coach Bobby Hauck alongside basketball coach Lon Kruger with the slogan “Come To Our House.” Except that Kruger left two years ago to coach Oklahoma. Why didn’t they just put up a picture of Jerry Tarkanian while they were at it?

 

George Zimmerman’s wife has filed for divorce. Suppose it would be cynical to wonder how much she was paid not to do this until after his trial was over…

 

 

Lamar Odom apparently checked out of a rehab center Thursday a day after he checked in for a drug problem. “Wow that’s fast,” said even Lindsay Lohan.

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Really? At Mile High Stadium the NFL had Ryan Seacrest do a corny countdown to the beginning of the season tonight. Maybe that 30 minute lightning delay was God’s way of saying “I’ll show you some real ‘after the break.'”

 

Syria is a tough one. But regarding all the GOP members of Congress who plan to vote “no,” how many were in favor of going into Iraq? And can we remind them of this vote the next time a Republican president who wants to bomb something?

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Bussing to hell

September 4, 2013

Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro was found dead in his cell Tuesday night. “Bummer”, said absolutely nobody.

(one friend suggested he inspire Jerry Sandusky…)

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Hell freezes over alert? The Pittsburgh Pirates won their 81st game, thereby guaranteeing they will not finish with a losing record for the first time in 21 seasons. And somewhere God is thinking “Now, don’t get too excited, Cubs fans.”

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A new proposed Senate resolution on Syria would limit military action to 90 days. Why didn’t we think of that for Iraq?

 

Chaz Bono has lost 80 pounds in less than a year. And women are thinking – No fair, even for transgendered men why does it have to be easier for them to lose weight than us?

 

Congrats again to 64 year old Diana Nyad for her swim from Cuba to Florida. Her attitude certainly helped, rumor has it she simply told sharks “You punks get out of my ocean.”

 

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The Hartford Courant is reporting that police have new video showing Aaron Hernandez at a Boston club at the same time as two men who were shot and killed later that night. How much worse does it get before the Patriots bring back Tim Tebow just to change the headlines?

(Peter C. suggests he could be team chaplain.)

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What a golden week for television: Jon Stewart is back, and Kris Jenner’s talk show has apparently been cancelled.

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Pablo Sandoval today became second visiting player ever to have three home runs in a game at Petco Park. First was Ryan Braun. Will Big Macs now suddenly be considered a PED?

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Apparently a woman who gave birth to a 13 lb 11 oz baby in Spain last month did it naturally without a epidural.    Without knowing , I do feel pretty sure in guessing  it was not her first child.

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A Lufthansa flight from Stockholm to Frankfurt was diverted to Copenhagen due to a “worrisome” smell that turned out to be from a new carpet. This would never happen to a U.S. airline. When would they have have new carpet?

(Sean Smith suggests that new carpet rows would have a $35 surcharge.)

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NY Yankees manager Joe Girardi said he is going to try to get Mariano Rivera to reconsider his retirement. Wonder if Girardi first will hire as a special assistant, Brett Favre.

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Making whoopie?

September 3, 2013

A British zoo has appointed one of their staff as a “birds and the bees” consultant, and is experimenting with warning signs that say “ANIMAL BABY MAKING ZONE.” Why do I think in much of the U.S. this would cause more outrage than designating a zoo an “open carry” zone?

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The Oakland Raiders named Terrelle Pryor as their starting QB. Another step in a 2013 season perhaps destined to lead to the REAL punishment for Johnny Manziel…. being drafted into Silver and Black?

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Our long national nightmare is over. Jon Stewart returns tonight. Not that John Oliver wasn’t good…. But who better to report on the clusterf*ck that is Syria?

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The Indianapolis Colts just waived rookie safety John Boyett from the University of Oregon following his arrest yesterday morning for disorderly conduct and resisting law enforcement. Boyett apparently told the cops “You can’t arrest me…I’m a Colts player.” Well, apparently it worked when he said “Ducks” in Eugene.

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California Governor Jerry Brown didn’t attend the opening of the Bay Bridge, which has been plagued by construction problems and alleged defects. Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom presided in his place. Have to wonder, was Brown thus worried or hoping there would be glitches?

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Kanye West is facing criticism for accepting $3 million to perform at a wedding hosted by Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev, who has been accused of numerous human rights violations. But to be fair, West has to feed his family.

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Two men were arrested this weekend for breaking into Wrigley Field and allegedly attempting to steal ivy from the historic ballpark. Hmm, wonder what ballpark they were trying to take it to, and which team they were trying to jinx?

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Miley Cyrus said in an interview to the British “Sunday People”: “I have so many f***ing issues.” Really? How would the public ever know?

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today that he really wanted Tim Tebow to make the roster but it wasn’t his call.  Somewhere George Steinbrenner is rolling over in his grave.

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Will Durst kind of summed it up “It’s fun to watch the Republicans’ natural hatred of Obama run smack into their love of bombing the crap out of the Middle East.”

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So Clemson beat Georgia on college football’s opening weekend and jumped over Stanford to be #4 in the rankings, pushing the Cardinal down to #5. Now,  early rankings don’t matter, and Clemson is ACC anyway, but they are benefiting from the “rank all SEC teams high” strategy, so when they beat each other it counts more..

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With the NY Mayoral Primary only a week away,  Anthony Weiner has fallen from 26% in the polls to 7% as of Sept 3.  Meaning so long to easy pickings like “Weiner shrivels” jokes.

(on the other hand, does anyone really expect him to go away quietly?)

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In the America’s Cup, an international jury found Oracle Team USA guilty of cheating, fined them $250k, docked them two races in a best of 17 series, and dismissed three team members. Guess Johnny Manziel is thinking he’s glad he’s not a sailor.

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In the swim

September 2, 2013

Diana Nyad completed her swim today from Cuba to Florida. Upon her landing, out of habit five MLB teams offered her a contract.

(my friend Jeff Klein responded, and out of habit, most baseball fans figured she should be tested for PED’s)

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Apparently some Christians are claiming that Tim Tebow was cut from the Patriots for reasons of religious persecution. Really? If someone could have a QB rating near 100, he could sacrifice goats at midfield and he’d have multiple free agent offers.

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The BBC just revealed that a Polish captain ran his cargo ship aground onto islands off the Northumberland coast this March when he planned a course from Scotland to Belgium and forgot about England. (Really). Good thing we are all too PC now for Polish jokes.

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A new study says the average man has grown 4 inches in the last century. Sorry, gentlemen, we’re talking height.

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A Georgia WR is out for the season after injuring himself celebrating a touchdown. Well, this injury at least is not likely to befall the Oakland Raiders.

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A new proposal in Europe is for Intelligent Speed Authority devices that would apply the brakes to any vehicle going above the speed limit. Let’s hope no one tells NY mayor Bloomberg.

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Ray Lewis is now saying that he thinks the blackout during last year’s Super Bowl was a ploy to help the SF 49srs. “not gonna accuse nobody of nothing — because I don’t know facts, But you’re a zillion-dollar company, and your lights go out? No. No way. You cannot tell me somebody wasn’t sitting there and when they say, ‘The Ravens [are] about to blow them out. Man, we better do something.” Hmm, does Ray want people to start excusing his part in that murder due to a head injury.

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A former colleague of David Frost, quoted in the U.K. Telegraph. “He never saw age like the rest of us.” And he told of one late Thatcher interview they prefaced with clips from previous encounters between the two of them over a decade ago.  Where the staff was worried that he would feel badly seeing his younger self.   And Frost’s only response upon seeing them “Hasn’t she aged?”

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From Bill Littlejohn”  Michael Malone, the new coach for the NBA Sacramento Kings, says he once wanted to work for the government as a secret agent.  As Kings coach, however, Malone he has a chance to start the season at 00-7.

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Is it safe?

August 30, 2013

Lindsey Vonn, gushing to People Magazine about dating Tiger Woods: “He doesn’t even leave the seat up! It’s awesome.” Wonder when Tiger learned that. Maybe we’re uncovering the real reason Elin went after him with that nine-iron?

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What really happened with the NCAA?  Bill Littlejohn said “they met with Johnny Manziel for 6 hours. Would have been 7 but the bars closed at 2am.”

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I’m wondering if the NCAA reduced Johnny Football’s suspension when he agreed to sign a few hundred more items for them.

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Source: NCAA met with Johnny Manziel for 6 hours. It would’ve been 7, but the bar closed at 2 a.m. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/252073/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-August-30-2013-Edition-434#sthash.EMcoEk85.dpuf

Bottles of Extra-Strength Tylenol will soon have a warning written in red letters on their caps: “Contains acetaminophen. Always read the label.” Uh, aren’t you ALWAYS supposed to read labels?

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A South Carolina couple were arrested after being caught having sex in a Home Depot wooden display shed. Wonder if Home Depot is now trying to figure out how they can rent sheds by the hour.

(my friend George R. Mathews says “God knows they looked.around.for hours trying to find someone to help.them….they got bored and had to.DO.something.”)

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Random baseball thought for the day: Josh Hamilton and Albert Pujols together make about half as much as the entire Pittsburgh Pirates payroll. (Hamilton $17 million, Pujols $16 million, the Pirates, $66 million.)

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Katie Holmes’ representative has announced that Suri Cruise broke her arm but “is okay.” Stand by for the announcement of a line of new “designer casts” for children.

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Lindsay Lohan apparently will host her 5th SNL this fall Think they can make a condition of her appearance staying away from the after-party?

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Phil Mickelson shot a 63 while playing with Tiger Woods, who shot a 68, in the opening round of the Deutsche Bank Championship. Pool on how long it will take Tiger to complain about back problems?

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Nancy Pelosi says she doesn’t wish to be Speaker of the House again. The people who are the most upset about this? GOP fundraisers.

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At 146am, when everyone is paying attention, Facebook sent proposed updates to their “Data Use Policy” and “Statement of Rights and Responsibilities.” A long and many-paged document. But they add “as always, we won’t share the private information that you put on Facebook with advertisers without your permission.” Of course what they don’t say – nothing you post is really considered private.

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Lamar Odom was arrested for alleged DUI this morning. Who’d a thunk that Kim Kardashian would be the sister in a more stable seeming relationship?

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Ted Nugent’s wife Shemane has been arrested after a handgun was found in her carry-on luggage at an DFW airport security checkpoint. Birdbrains of a feather…

Ad on KNBR for the SF 49ers 2013 season: “There’s nothing better than the last season at the “Stick.” Nothing? Well, for starters the fact that it IS the last season at Candlestick.

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Mixed messages

August 29, 2013

So the U.S. wants to send Syria a message but not do anything too serious that might start a war. Maybe we should turn the disciplinary action against Assad over to the NCAA?

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The NCAA thinks they have sent a message with their 30 minute suspension for Johnny Manziel. And they have – only accept payment in cash.

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A New Jersey appeals court just said that if you text someone you know is driving, you could be held liable if that driver causes a crash. The real winners in this decision? Lawyers.

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Tim Tebow had two touchdowns and one interception tonight in a preseason game for the New England Patriots. For anyone scoring at home that’s one more touchdown and two less interceptions than Geno Smith did for the NY Jets…..

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Kim Jong-Un reportedly had his ex-girlfriend executed by firing squad for making a sex tape. It would be really inappropriate to make a Kardashian joke here….

(And let me guess, Miley Cyrus won’t be performing in North Korea anytime soon.  Let’s hope a tape of the VMA’s doesn’t result in a missile strike….)

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Krispy Kreme Doughnuts stock price fell today after they reported good but disappointing second-quarter profits. Guess investors got a little overly excited about marijuana legalization laws.

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A new Rolling Stone article claims Bill Belichick threatened to cut Hernandez “after the 2013 season” if Aaron didn’t stop causing distractions. Well, that’s one thing off the Patriot coach’s “to-do” list.

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Sometimes it just isn’t your year. And sometimes it is. The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner hasn’t won in a month and is 11-9 with a 2.91 ERA. The Detroit Tigers Max Scherzer, with a 2.90 ERA, gave up 5 earned runs in 6 innings, but kept his 19-1 record when Detroit rallied for 4 in the bottom of the 9th.

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The Palazzo hotel in Las Vegas Strip is trying to evict “The Act” nightclub for shows it says are so raunchy that they violate obscenity laws. Well, this ought to assure standing room only crowds as long as the club lasts….

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Alabama QB AJ McCarron says he isn’t fixating on the Crimson Tide’s shot at a historic three-peat. That’s okay, the media is fixating enough on it for him.

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The NFL just reached a $765 million settlement with more than 4,500 former players with their concussion lawsuit. A lot of money, though after lawyer fees probably less than $100k a player. But the NFL had billion$ of rea$on$ to $ettle thi$ before the $ea$on started.

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Vanderbilt’s punter is studying to be an neurosurgeon. In the rest of the SEC, they’re thinking “big deal, we think our punters can probably spell neurosurgeon.”

From T.C.  “The NCAA has suspended QB Johnny Manziel for the 1st two quarters of Texas A & M’s season opener. This means he will be available for the entire first half to autograph your A&M souvenirs.”

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On ABC News George Zimmerman’s wife Shellie today said she has to ‘think about’ staying in her marriage. And if she doesn’t wonder how long Shellie will “think about” a book deal.

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Going, going, not quite gone…

August 28, 2013

The NCAA has decided to suspend Johnny Manziel for the FIRST HALF of Texas A & M’s season opener Saturday against Rice. Wow. Against Rice Manziel’s got to be figuring he should have asked for more money and gotten suspended the whole game.

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There’s already criticism of today’s “semi-suspension” of Johnny Manziel. But in the NCAA’s defense, they say if Johnny misbehaves again they’re going to slap his other hand REALLY hard.

 

After today’s Manziel decision, the NCAA would like to disabuse anyone of the notion that they would let a star player get away with actual murder. Any player linked to such a serious crime would absolutely be disciplined, the day after his bowl game.

 

Florida LB Antonio Morrison, who was arrested twice this summer, just had his two game suspension reduced to one game by coach Will Muschamp. So he’ll miss the Gators’ opening game against Buffalo, but will be back Sept. 7 against Miami. And of course the fact that the Hurricanes have been ranked barely out of the preseason top 25 had nothing to do with this decision….
 
–Ah Florida, protecting us from the truly dangerous people? George Zimmerman’s wife Shellie pled guilty to perjury for lying about the donations they had received before his trial. She was placed on probation for a year, and as a condition “cannot possess, carry or own a firearm and must get permission to own any other type of weapon.”

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Don Mattingly benched Yasiel Puig in the fifth today for apparent disciplinary reasons. How long until L.A. Dodgers fans start muttering about “Puig being Puigy..”

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Montana judge G. Todd Baugh judge sentenced a 54-year-old ex-teacher to 30 days in jail for raping a 14-year-old girl in 2008. (The girl committed suicide in 2010.) Baugh said that the girl was “as much in control of the situation” as the teacher was, and “older than her chronological age.” What was this judge thinking, that he wants to run for Congress in Missouri?

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John Boehner has apparently sent Obama letter requesting that he make a case before acting on Syria. Wonder if the President thought of sending a reply to the Speaker, “How about you have the House make a case the next time they vote to repeal Obamacare?”

 

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While taping his TV show 700 Club yesterday, Pat Robertson said that some gay men with HIV or AIDS wear special rings designed to purposely infect others. “You know what they do in San Francisco, some in the gay community there, they want to get people, so if they got the stuff they’ll have a ring, you shake hands, and the ring’s got a little thing where you cut your finger” Beginning to think Robertson is still alive because neither God nor the Devil want him.

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Across America, millions of American men have only one question: Is it too soon to hit on Catherine Zeta-Jones?

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Justin Timberlake is defending Miley Cyrus’ VMAs performance: “It’s not like she did it at the Grammys”‘ And half a dozen young stars plus Madonna just got a new idea for next year’s Grammys…..

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Patriots owner Robert Kraft said yesterday he is “rooting for” Tim Tebow to make the 53-man roster, but said it’s the coach’s decision. Wonder if Bill Belichick is just wishing Vladimir Putin would steal Tebow for a Russian team.

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Fill in the blank?

August 27, 2013

The 197 year old “Farmer’s Almanac,” which has an amazing record for accuracy, predicts “bitterly cold” subnormal temperatures for Feb 1-3, 2014 in the New York City area. Insert “it will be a cold day in hell when (fill-in-the-blank-team) makes it to the Super Bowl” here.

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Bank of America said they will review working conditions after an intern died after reportedly working until 6a three nights in a row. Many law firms are thinking “What, does B of A think they were too soft on the kid?”

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Many people think that Miley Cryus’s VMA performance yesterday was obscene and not fit for children. Wonder how many fathers today are thinking they need to closely reexamine the evidence?

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Who knew Hannah Montana was a stripper name?

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Barry Zito, who has a double-digit ERA on the road this year, was the starting pitcher Monday night for the SF Giants against the Colorado Rockies at Coors Field. Wonder if  Denver air traffic control was alerted for possible round objects ending up in flight paths?

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Wimbledon champion Marion Bartoli, who announced her retirement from tennis Aug 14, now says “It’s pretty hard to say I would never come back.” “Atta girl!” responded Brett Favre.

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Our foreign policy at its finest: A Russian newspaper reported that Edward Snowden was stuck at the Moscow airport only after Cuba, bowing to U.S. pressure, warned Aeroflot that it would not allow his flight from Russia to land in Havana. And U.S. citizens can travel to Russia anytime, whereas Cuban travel (along with rum and cigars) is embargoed.

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An 21 year old has invented a topical sprayable caffeine, which he hopes to bring to market this fall. Ben Yu said that his spray “won’t change the world.” On the other hand, it might save a few marriages, if spouses can keep it handy for mornings when coffee isn’t available.

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Khloe Kardashian is complaining about the stories about her husband, Kim claims she is trying to protect her baby’s privacy. (Except for a picture on mom’s failing talk show.) Here’s a suggestion, folks. Want privacy? Quit making your careers be bleeping reality television.

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Really? A man has come forward 40 years later to claim that Billie Jean King’s $100,000 victory over Bobby Riggs was actually rigged so Riggs could have $100,000 in gambling debts forgiven. Except, a win would have netted him the money to pay off those debts….

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Why revenue-sharing needs a minimum team payroll to go with it: The Houston Astros, with a $13 million payroll, are according to Forbes going to make an estimated $99 million in operating income this season…. (You’d think fans would at least get a break on beer prices.)

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Scoot Airlines, Singapore Airlines’ budget carrier, is now offering passengers the option to pay a $14 surcharge for “ScootinSilence,” five rows in economy where no children. Right, because the sound of a screaming baby can carry no further than five rows…

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Color me anything but blue?

August 24, 2013

Urban Meyer has forbidden anyone – fans, media, NFL scouts -watching Ohio State football practices from wearing blue. Since blue is a Michigan color. Really, I’d have thought Meyer would worry more about people upsetting the team by wearing orange – the color of prison jumpsuits.

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A $1 million winning New York lottery ticket from August 2012, will expire today if not claimed. And many of us are still annoyed at our moms just for accidentally throwing away old baseball cards and comic books.

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Following up on that story of RGIII being fined for wearing an “Operation Patience” t-shirt in practice. Turns out the Redskins QB is a repeat offender; he was fined $10,000 for wearing Adidas clothing to a post-game news conference last December, and warned after the season opener for covering up the Nike swoosh on his warm-up shirt. The horror! How many offenses for a lifetime ban?

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Derek Jeter will rejoin the Yankees on Monday. The team will be thrilled to welcome him back, if for no other reason than a headline that doesn’t involve A-Rod.

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Geno Smith threw three interceptions today, Mark Sanchez might be injured. Well, Tim Tebow may be available.

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–Anthony Weiner was involved in a three carfender-bender this morning in New York. No injuries, and so far no word as to who might have been at fault. Not that we have any reason to suspect Weiner of doing anything risky with his phone.

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Todd Gloria, 35, will be the new acting mayor of San Diego. He is young, attractive, and gay. Could women feel any safer?

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In Slaughter, Louisiana, police said an 8-year-old boy intentionally shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver. The statement read ” Although a motive for the shooting is unknown at this time investigators have learned that the juvenile suspect was playing a video game, ‘Grand Theft Auto IV…” Got it, guns don’t kill people, video games kill people.

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A new study says that on average, single men only wash their bed sheets four times a year. Wonder how many of those single men polled responded “you wash sheets?”

 

–Perhaps I need a new contact lens prescription?  Saturday night I saw a 4 on the board in the #SFGiants column in the first inning.

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The AP reports that a South Brunswick, NJ man, Mario Scarnici, has come forward with one of the three winning tickets sold for the Aug. 7 Powerball drawing, and will net $62 million after taxes. They add “A telephone number for Scarnici could not be located Saturday afternoon.” Ya think?

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