Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category
September 27, 2011
First announced promotions of 2012 for MLB. The Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves plan to offer their fans free lessons in the Heimlich maneuver.
Another possible giveaway deal next year at Fenway Park. Free Red Sox neckties to the first 20,000 adults. Pre-shrunk.
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How bad is the Red Sox collapse looking? Even Babe Ruth is watching from somewhere thinking “Dudes, don’t put this mess on me.”
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And for all those people thinking that extra wild cards would make the game more interesting, think about this. If MLB had two wild cards in each league, the Red Sox and Braves could have it on cruise control. (Of course, they have have done that regardless.)
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Rex Grossman’s fumble with 28 seconds left sealed the Redskins loss 18-16 Monday night against the Cowboys. On the other hand, for the first time in months, he did give Washingtonians a serious bipartisan target.
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My friend Lindol pointed out that the Winklevoss twins now have a gig as spokesmen for pistachios. Is this really wise? Does the pistachio industry really want to reinforce their image as expensive and overvalued nuts?
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Ozzie Guillen announced that tonight was his last game managing the White Sox. Not sure how the team took it, but Chicago beat writers who are always in search of good quotes are said to be inconsolable.
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Marlins manager Jack McKeon, 80, says he will retire again after the end of the season. He did say that maybe he will come back in a few years, to go after Connie Mack’s record of managing at the age of 87. McKeon especially hopes he has another chance to manage that “nice young man, Jamie Moyer.”
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Meanwhile, the Marlins are finally playing their last games in Sun Life stadium. Wednesday will be Fan Appreciation day.And the team will apparently have nice prizes for both of them.
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Sesame Street is planning to include science lessons in their upcoming season. Or as Rick Perry would call that “more liberal theories.”
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Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. Guess he figures who better to defend marriage than someone who’s had three of them.
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The power of incumbency. No one knows for sure if President Obama will be re-elected. But stranger things have happened. Today SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy announced the team planned to re-sign their hitting coach.
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Magazine subscription offer from Vanity Fair (no joke) $12 for 12 issues. Plus $3 shipping. Really.
Uh, isn’t the point of a subcription getting magazines mailed to you? Wonder what would happen if you offered to come pick each issue up?
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C.C. Sabathia is 19-8, with an ERA of 3.00. The SF Giants have three starters with lower ERA’s, and none with more than 13 wins. Lincecum, 2.74, 13-14, Vogelsong, 2.81, 13-7, and Cain, 2.88, and 12-11.
So yes, good pitching may beat good hitting. But good pitching is wasted with zero hitting.
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The Senate just reached a bipartisan agreement to end a dispute over disaster relief spending. Translation, sounds like they figured out that despite the best efforts of some to interpret God’s will, natural disasters this year have happened in both red and blue states.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Boston Red Sox jokes, Braves jokes, Congress jokes, Red Sox jokes, SF Giants jokes, wild card jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 26, 2011
“Pan Am”, set in 1963, is full of beautiful young women serving as flight attendants. For anyone who wants to see those young women almost 50 years later, I think many of them are still working on United’s Hawaii flights.
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Younger people watching “Pan Am” have to be questioning a few anachronisms. Some may wonder “what’s a girdle?” And still younger viewers may be wondering “How come they’re not collecting money for food?”
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Michael Vick is complaining that a Giants’ player hit him when he was down and defenceless. Uh, yeah, that would be bad. I mean, who’d even do that to an animal?
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For those SF fans who will really miss watching 2011’s low scoring Giants games, looks like the 49ers are ready to pick up the slack.
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Another thought while watching the 49ers-Bengals matchup? Would either of these teams be able to crack the AP top 25?
(My friend Alec Schubert says he’s not sure the Bengals could beat the University of Cincinnati Bearcats. He could be right.)
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New England blows a 21-0 lead and loses to the Bills, Boston is now only 1 game up on the Rays after barely splitting a doubleheader to the Yankees. Forget the Tea Party, the next thing dumped into Boston Harbor may be Patriots and Red Sox gear.
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Four interceptions for Tom Brady Sunday. The only way the day could have been more embarrassing is if another ex-girlfriend turned up pregnant.
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Even Fox News is slamming Rick Perry’s performance at the last debate. Who knew? Maybe we anointed George W. Bush with the title “Dumbest governor of Texas ever” a little too soon?
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A survey published today said that prices at U.S. gas pumps have dropped 12 cents over the past two weeks. Let’s see how the airlines translate that into hiking their fuel surcharge.
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Well, it’s early in the NFL season. But when Andrew Luck thought last year about returning to Stanford, and what that might mean for his NFL career, I don’t think that one potential option in his mind would have been understudying Peyton Manning.
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Texas A & M is now officially going to be an SEC member. Bernie Machen, SEC chair and University of Florida president, said: “The addition of Texas A&M University as the SEC’s 13th member gives our league a prestigious academic institution with a strong athletic tradition. What does that mean in SEC-speak – the Aggies can spell “prestigious?
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The inventor of Doritos, Arch West, 97, has died. Across the world, millions will temporarily extinguish their joints in his honor.
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Cal graduates can stop reading before the last item.
Great news that the two Berkeley hikers who were held prisoner by Iran are back in the U.S. But really, wouldn’t Stanford hikers have been smart enough not to hike along the Iran-Iraq border in the first place?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Bengals jokes, hiker jokes, Janice Hough, Pan Am jokes, Patriots jokes, Red Sox jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 25, 2011
Well, it looks like nobody died or was hurt at least in NASA’s latest documentary – “Dude, where’s my satellite?”
Still no word on the final whereabouts of NASA’s dead satellite. But that thing fell to earth faster than Rick Perry’s poll numbers.
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Herman Cain won the Florida GOP presidential straw poll. Wonder if it was a butterfly ballot?
SNL opened up the season with a phantom GOP debate. But for sheer comedy value, they really have no chance of topping some moments in the real debates.
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Kristen Wiig’s Michele Bachmann isn’t quite up to Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin. But it’s good enough almost to hope the Minnesota congresswoman gets a bounce in the polls so Wiig can keep doing it.
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Ohio State started Braxton Miller, a true freshman, at QB against Colorado today. Makes a certain amount of sense. Since Miller wasn’t around last year, they know there’s no chance he sold any bowl memorabilia.
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Apparently Jesse James and Kat Von D have broken up, again. This item for all those who are tired of all the media coverage of highbrow celebrities like the Kardashians.
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Hilton Hotels is denying rumors that they charged the government $16 each for muffins at a breakfast meeting. The $16 included coffee or tea or soft drinks and a piece of fruit, (plus tip). So hey, give Hilton credit for one thing – making Starbucks look like a bargain.
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There is a rumor that MLB and the player’s union have agreed on expanded playoffs for 2013. Now, as a SF Giants fan that would have been fun this year, but seriously, watching the Red Sox and Cardinals about to back their way into the postseason, do we really need to add two more teams that don’t deserve to be in the playoffs?
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Regarding the alleged agreement on an expanded postseason – have to think there’s a clause that says – “we will have as many wild card teams as necessary to make sure both the Red Sox and Yankees end up in the playoffs.”
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The only good thing about tonight’s Giants-Dbacks game for SF fans? (Final score 15-2 Arizona.) It did tend to diminish that “Damn, the team just caught fire a little too late to make the playoffs” feeling
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As if the Marlins didn’t have a rough enough year, now it turns out they have lost their closer, Leo Nunez, because he was playing under an assumed name with fake documents. Apparently Nunez is really Juan Carlos Oviedo. Talk about your player to be named later.
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On a serious note – Former NFL Offensive Tackle Orlando Brown was found dead this week at the age of 40, presumably at this point from natural causes. If any profession other than playing in the NFL had anywhere near this rate of early death, think it would still be legal?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Rick Perry joke, satellite jokes, SNL jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 24, 2011
While Rick Perry looked like a rock star a few weeks ago, a series of gaffes and “unforced errors” in debates and on the campaign trail have made many potential GOP supporters stand back and reconsider. And somewhere, the late Molly Ivins, who once dubbed Perry “Governor Goodhair,” is laughing, loudly.
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At the University of Pennsylvania, students arrived for the first day of a class scheduled to start at 1:30 p.m. About an hour later, the class was officially cancelled as the students found out the professor had died five months ago. Penn is an Ivy League school. In the SEC, the entire football team would have rushed to sign up.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a contract to write his memoirs, which will be titled “Total Recall.” With the presumed subtitle “Selective Amnesia.”
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Hewlett-Packard’s stock has fallen to its lowest level in six years. Apparently investors are worried about the choice of Meg Whitman as CEO. Probably because her last business decision was to spend over $160 million to try to win a job no sane person would want in the first place.
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Oops. Authorities now say that the hunter attacked by a grizzly in a Montana forest was killed not by the bear, but by a gunshot fired by a companion trying to save him. Maybe it was a little too soon to return to hunting for Dick Cheney.
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Diana Nyad is going to try again to become the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida. Well, officially anyway. Why do I have a feeling that the real record holder is choosing to remain anonymous?
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NY Yankees GM Brian Cashman admitted this week that he pretended to be interested in Carl Crawford just to drive up the price for the Boston Red Sox to sign the free agent. If you love the Yankees this story will confirm their winning mentality, If you hate the Yankees this is one more reason to root for the Detroit Tigers to win the pennant.
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Kobe Bryant has been offered over $6 million to play for a team in Italy. The offer has to be tempting, Kobe did spend time as a child in Italy. And the country has great jewellers.
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The SF Giants’ season ended, fittingly, tonight with an out from Aubrey Huff. (Though a 4-3 grounder would have been more appropriate.) But really, this whole season has been a constant reliance on big money non-performing veterans at the expense of rookies….
From a woman’s point of view it’s been like listening to a friend defend a worthless boyfriend, because she’s spent so much money,time and energy on the relationship already, she’s SURE he will come around.
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Hockey joke from my friend Bill Littlejohn:
An Orange County mom is accused of having sex with as many as three youths on her son’s hockey team. Boy, talk about a hat trick.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: HP jokes, Meg Whitman jokes, Rick Perry jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 23, 2011
The Romney-Perry feud is growing. The subtitle of this GOP Primary may be “There ain’t enough hair gel in this town for the two of us.”
Two new polls apparently show former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman climbing into double digits in New Hampshire. Is that double digits in percentage terms, or in absolute numbers of voters?
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Mitt Romney bashed Rick Perry tonight about allowing illegal immigrants to pay in-state tuition rates at the Texas universities. Many Texans agree with him – there’s no way such students should get such a break – unless they can run really fast while carrying (or chasing someone with) a football.
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The audience at tonight’s GOP debate in Orlando jeered loudly when a videotaped question from a gay soldier was asked about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Wonder how many of those presumably straight people booing would volunteer to go to the Mideast to take the young man’s place?
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You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Quote from Mitt Romney today “We ought to provide help to the people who have been hurt most by the Obama economy. And that’s the middle class, It’s not those at the very low end; it’s certainly not those at the very high end. It’s for the great middle class — the 80 to 90 percent of us in this country.” As Tonto said “Who’s ‘we’, white man?”
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Rough day for the market. Many stocks were falling faster than the Braves and Red Sox’s playoff hopes.
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This item sent in by “ifollowsports.com’s Jon Rapoport: Carlos Beltran, overheard leaving the Giants team hotel in Los Angeles to meet with his agent Scott Boras “We’re meeting to figure out which team we will rob.”
Beltran’s joke would be funnier if it weren’t true. But that would presumably let the Giants out, because they have learned from their contract disaster with Zito. So besides Barry, they really aren’t on the hook to any aging, useless players. Well, except Aaron Rowand ($14 million) and Aubrey Huff ($11 million.) Okay, never mind.
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This week many Americans changed their relationship status with Facebook to “It’s complicated.”
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Manny Ramirez was told he cannot play winter ball in the Dominican Republic because he is on MLB’s inactive list for his most recent suspension. So Manny told ESPNdeportes that he will formally request reinstatement. Which means he is un-retiring and says he will be available for any MLB team. “Atta boy,” said Brett Favre. (Or after the pregnancy hormone test, “Atta girl?”)
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Meg Whitman has been named the latest CEO at HP. Counting interim CEO Cathie Lesjak, she will be the fourth CEO in a little over a year. Well, it’s tough, but Meg may have found a more dysfunctional operation to head than the state of California.
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The NFL fined Chargers DT Antonio Garay $15,000 for his below-the-knee hit on QB Tom Brady last Sunday. $15,000?! To potentially knock a star player out for the season? Cheap at the price. If the NFL really wants to stop this they should suspend dirty hitters for as long as the player they hit ends up on the disabled list.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP debate jokes, Manny Ramirez jokes, Rick Perry jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 22, 2011
Okay, the NFL season is officially in full swing: Jerome Simpson and Anthony Collins, are under investigation by law enforcement officials, after a package with about 2.5 pounds of pot was delivered and signed for at Simpson’s residence. And of course Simpson and Collins are teammates, on the Cincinnati Bengals.
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NFL sent a memo to all teams warning of fines, suspensions and more if players fake injuries during a game. “Are you trying to destroy the sport?” asked FIFA?
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Some would say the relatively close wild card races in Major League Baseball are a reason to expand the playoffs? Really? Watching the Red Sox and Rays alternate choking this week makes me think neither of these teams deserves to be in the playoffs as it is.
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Photosensitive epilepsy sufferers can have seizures triggered by “flashing lights or rapidly changing or alternating images.” How long until Facebook starts posting warning disclaimers?
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Oklahoma University has given Bob Stoops a seven-year extension worth $34.7 million. And the really good news is that it doesn’t count against the team’s salary cap”
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Another month, another Palin book, this time a memoir from Bristol Palin’s ”baby daddy” Levi Johnston. Not surprisingly, he disagrees with much of what Palin herself wrote. And clearly Johnston is not ready to relinquish the limelight. It’s a shame Bristol and Levi couldn’t work it out, the two of them certainly seem to deserve each other.
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According to a recent poll, 72 percent of Republicans and Republican-leaning independents do not want Sarah Palin to run for president. Funny, that’s about the same precentage of Democrats who do want her to run.
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The two UC Berkeley hikers, Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer, who were arrested while hiking and accused of espionage, were finally freed by Iran. Which is good news. But I have to keep wondering….all the places in the world to hike, maybe they could have chosen a trail that wasn’t near the border of a country that barely has relations with the U.S?
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“Clayton Kershaw established himself as a candidate for the NL CY Young award with his 20th win last night while he lowered his ERA to 2.27. But should his 2011 record have an asterisk? Five of those wins (and five earned runs allowed in 42 innings) were against the Giants.
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Okay, all these people complaining about facts like “The top 10% of earners in this country pay 70 % of the taxes, leave out facts like “The top 1% of earners make more than the bottom 50% combined.” It’s like saying “The Yankees pay the highest luxury tax in MLB, we should cut it to be fairer to them.”
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Facebook has become like the Chicago weather. Don’t like it, no problem. Wait five minutes and it will change.
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Facebook changed their site in a major way AGAIN last night. (And, alas, “improved” the UK English version this morning to eliminate that solution.) Who do they think they are? Netflix?
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Actual serious note at the end here below for a change:
In some situations I am a pro-death penalty Democrat. Troy Davis didn’t seem like one of those situations, though admittedly I only know what I have read recently. But in any case, if his execution happened during a GOP presidential debate there would probably be cheers from the audience. And that makes me sad.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: facebook jokes, football jokes, Levi Johnston book jokes, Palin jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
September 21, 2011
Facebook came up with more “progress” today, thereby to many users’ minds, messing up a site they had just figured out how to cope with from the last “progress.”
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What’s with these engineers and all this spare time? Can’t they spent their time playing “Angry Birds” or something? (And leave the site along for a few days.)
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One way to get rid of the new Facebook page format (not a joke), is to switch your language preference to U.K English, and then it goes back to the most recent format.
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But U.K. English? Aside from swapping “ER” to “RE” and adding “U”s to colour, labour, etc, what other changes will this bring. Have to wonder if my baseball updates will suddenly become about cricket. And I don’t even want to think about football jokes.
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Many American users are now happy with the U.K English format. Although some of them are experiencing a disconcerting urge not to want to brush their teeth.
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Sometimes there is a nice symmetry in the universe: DADT repealed on the same day as the 2011 premiere of Glee.
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The Red Sox are clinging to a two game wild card lead. Normally this much potential embarrassment in Massachusetts requires one of the state’s politicians to run for President.
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Manny Ramirez now says he hopes to play for a winter league team in his Caribbean homeland. Maybe he’s heard the Dominican Republic has really good pre-natal care.
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Red Sox lose again, 7-5 after an eighth inning comeback by the mighty Baltimore Orioles? Has the entire Boston lineup signed up for an October vacation in Hawaii and not told anybody?
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Executives at the online site Full Tilt Poker have been charged stealing more than $440 million in a Ponzi scheme. $440 million?! If convicted these guys should be so lucky in prison to draw cellmates in prison who are “inside straight.”
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Charlie Sheen is apparently close to settling his lawsuit with Warner TV and is rumored to be receiving $25 million. Not a bad payoff for a guy who called his old boss, amongst other things, a “clown,” “charlatan” and a “turd.”
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It will now cost $12 – up from $8 – to use a bridge or tunnel to enter New York City from New Jersey. Guess the NY Port Authority figures people will pay anything to get out of New Jersey.
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The newly-christened Pac 12 announced tonight that they intend to remain a 12-team conference, thus for now closing off talk of an expansion that would have included Texas and Oklahoma. Wonder what happened? Does the Pac-12 have unreasonable requirements for student-athletes? Like classes? Or a salary cap?
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Dancing With the Stars had their premiere last night. Casual fans who don’t follow the news might be forgiven for asking -“So who’s the transgender contestant – Chaz Bono or Nancy Grace?”
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S.C. Gov. Nikki Haley now admitted that she had no evidence backing her claim that 1/2 of job applicants at a local nuclear reservation flunked a drug test. (The DOE said the number was less than 1 %, and of hires, not applicants.) Haley said “I’ve never felt like I had to back up what people tell me. You assume that you’re given good information.” Wow, sounds like she’s ready to run for president.
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And R.I.P. Dolores Hope, Bob’s widow, who passed away at the age of 102. As Marc Ragovin said “Only slightly older than her husband’s jokes.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Chaz Bono jokes, facebook jokes, Full Tilt Poker jokes, Nancy Grace jokes, Red Sox jokes, UK English Facebook
Comments: 5 Comments
September 20, 2011
In honor of the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” at today at midnight, two quotes from a noted commie-pinko liberal: “Everyone knows that gays have served honorably in the military since at least the time of Julius Caesar.” And “You don’t have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.” (Yep, Barry Goldwater.)
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Mariano Rivera got his 602th save today – in front of 40,045, the smallest crowd of the year at Yankee Stadium. Wonder if that’s because of President Obama’s proposed tax hikes on millionaires – maybe a lot of New Yorkers figured they couldn’t afford seats anymore.
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Darn shame for San Francisco Giants fans that in their longshot quest for a playoff spot the team isn’t chasing the Red Sox.
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This Netflix price hike is looking like the smartest business decision since “New Coke.”
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An 21 year old man in Lincoln, Nebraska somehow got drunk enough to mistake a police station for a casino. He wandered in and asked for blackjack chips. When a staffer sent him away, the man returned a few minutes later and asked again. (.273, in case you wondered.) So the cops threw him in a detox cell.
Talk about double or nothing. Even Mel Gibson is thinking “How drunk do you have to be to act that stupid?”
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Signs of Autumn: Falling leaves, falling Red Sox, falling Braves……
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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh may be regretting his decision not to accept a Dallas penalty that would have erased a field goal but given the team the chance to build up their lead with a potential touchdown. (The Niners would have had first and 10 at the Cowboys 22.) Have to wonder, would Harbaugh’s decision have been different if he were coaching against Pete Carroll?
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The ACC, now home to Pitt and Syracuse, has a reputation of being one of the better conferences academically. And for a starter example, they’re smart enough not to put a number like 10 or 12 or 8 in their title that has to be changed all the time.
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Michele Bachmann is still defending her comments about the danger of the HPV vaccine, saying on CNN tonight “I wasn’t speaking as a doctor. I wasn’t speaking as a scientist…” Amazed she didn’t add: “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.”
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There are rumors that Bachmann’s campaign may not last that much longer. Which is bad news on the jobs front – for comedy writers.
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President Obama said today – “It’s not class warfare, it’s math.” Wonder how long it will take for Rick Perry to respond “Math is a theory.”
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But okay, closing with a commie-pinko thought. I get that many millionaires want to hold onto every penny they can. But it is truly amazing to me that the GOP so has many lower and middle class folks screaming class warfare when THEY are the class currently getting scr*wed.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, It's not class warfare it's math jokes, Netflix jokes, Red Sox jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
September 19, 2011
Ohio State fell out of the top 25 in the AP college football rankings for the first time since 2004. Of course, with the NCAA investigation the Buckeyes had probably already fallen out of the top 25 as far as player pay scale.
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The Boston Red Sox, losers of 11 of their last 14, are now only two games up in the Wild Card race over Tampa Bay. If the Sox hang on, they might become the first MLB team to make the playoffs without showing up for most of April and September.
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Cam Newton threw for over 400 yards in each of his first two NFL games. When asked how he seemed so relaxed, Cam allegedly responded “I just pretended I was facing SEC investigators..”
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Michael Vick suffered a neck injury and left the Eagles-Falcons game Sunday in the third quarter. Wonder if any Atlanta editor was tempted to use the headline “Dog-gone?”
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Jane Lynch, who hosted the Emmys, is unabashedly out of the closet, but doesn’t seem to be the target of much conservative criticism. Is it that America’s actually getting less homophobic? Or are would-be critics just afraid of her?
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Alec Baldwin asked that his short skit be totally cut from the Emmys show when Fox nixed a joke about Rupert Murdoch and News Corp.’s phone-hacking scandal. Fox’s response was that the network had been carefully considering the decision since they heard Baldwin discussing the line on the phone last week.
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Congratulations to Mariano Rivera who notched his record-tying 601st save yesterday for the Yankees. While Rivera is unquestionably a good closer, there has been some luck involved – if he played for the Royals or Pirates, Mariano might not have had 601 potential wins to save.
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Dominique Strauss-Kahn said he is innocent of any “violence or aggression” regarding his tryst with the maid in New York, but acknowledged a “moral weakness.”
I wouldn’t go THAT far, responded Bill Clinton.
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Some claim it would take a miracle for President Obama to be re-elected. But really, is that any more unlikely than this? The Washington Redskins and Rex Grossman, 2 and 0.
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Texas Gov. Rick Perry is taking some flack for having billed state taxpayers $294,000 for his travel security. But in Perry’s defense, at least half of that was to keep his hair in place.
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Lindsey Graham claims that President Obama’s plan to have a minimum tax on millionaires is “class warfare.” Not that it’s likely to happen but some part of me would love to hear Obama respond “Maybe, but so was storming the Bastille.”
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Wonder if the New York Yankees will be the first sports team to oppose Obama’s tax hike on millionaires. Not that the team is worried about their players, but the Yankees are concerned the hike will affect their entire season ticket base.
Although that’s probably an overstatement. Even most people who make over $1 million a year can’t afford Yankees season tickets.
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Republicans are already denouncing President Obama’s minimum tax for millionaires as “Class Warfare.” Well, if true, this might be the first type of warfare the GOP doesn’t support.
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Congrats to Kyle Chandler. “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” And if you’ve never heard that phrase before, watch “Friday Night Lights” on DVD. One of those rare television shows that never felt like you were putting your brain (or heart) on hold to watch.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: class warfare jokes, Emmys jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Perry jokes, Vick jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
September 18, 2011
Ohio State and Miami played Saturday in a matchup of college football powerhouses facing probation or worse due to NCAA investigations. (Inelig-Bowl is not my original phrase, but it’s an apt one.)
Miami won handily, 24-6, which brings up a paraphrase of an old rhetorical question – “If two teams play in a forest and none of it ends up counting, do we still care?”
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Tommy Lasorda gave a pep talk to the UCLA Bruins before their football game with Texas today. Sounds like the talk was about as successful as any Tommy may have made this year to the Dodgers.
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So the longest winning streak in college football belongs to…. Stanford? Yep, with 11 wins. And more impressively, all the Cardinal starters can count to 11.
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The latest college football program to have their integrity challenged – Oregon. The school has received formal notice of the NCAA investigation into their use of recruiting services. But amazingly with all these investigations, only USC so far has received a postseason ban. Of course, the NCAA is in a quandry. If they ban all the serious violators, there won’t be enough teams left to fill all the bowls.
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Ron Paul won the Republican California Straw Poll. Unfortunately for Paul, California is about as relevant to the GOP nationally as he is.
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Not to say Michele Bachmann looked awkward and uncomfortable on the Tonight Show, but in all seriousness she made last week’s guest Dick Cheney look relaxed and charming.
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You think your favorite player had a bad day – Kevin Prince of UCLA threw three interceptions in the first quarter against Texas. (In fact, he threw seven passes, three completed to his own team, three to Texas, and one incomplete.) Who does he think he is? Brett Favre?
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Did SF Giants GM Brian Sabean overpay for Miguel Tejada, Aaron Rowand and Aubrey Huff this year? Absolutely. But it could be worse. Much worse. Adam Dunn, with a $12 million salary, hit an interesting 2011 milestone last night for the Chicago White Sox – his strikeout total of 161 now matches his batting average of .161
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The current scandal in Italy is whether Premier Silvio Berlusconi may have flown prostitutes on Italian government planes. Not that this is something to brag about, but on the other hand, unlike politicians who also fly on government planes, prostitutes generally do provide value for money.
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A new study reported in the NY Times indicates that failure, and learning to overcome it, may be a secret to success. If so, some of the most successful people in the world must be Cubs fans.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough, NCAA jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 17, 2011
As we approach the weekend it is perhaps time to mark a momentous (and possibly very brief) occasion in the state of Michigan – for the first time in perhaps recorded memory, the Detroit Tigers, Lions and the UM Wolverines are all in first place.
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U.S. stocks rose again Friday which meant the market is on a 5-day winning streak for the first time in more than two months. Out of habit the GOP presidential candidates blamed it on Obama.
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Whole Foods is introducing a new “Wellness Club” , with “lifestyle evaluation,” nutrition tips, classes and some discounts. The idea is to help shoppers “make educated and positive lifestyle choices that promote their long-term health and well being.” For $540 a year.
Note, the chain doesn’t talk about promoting financial well being, which would mean “Shop at a cheaper store.”
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Michele Bachmann made a brief appearance at a Marin county home today but was in and out of the Bay Area very quickly. Makes sense, Michele is anti-vaccine and she sure didn’t want to get “cooties.”
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Michele Bachmann, 55, appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno Friday and talked about her opposition to Rick Perry’s requiring girls in Texas to have the HPV vaccine. She said it was less about the shot than the “abuse of executive power.” Fair enough, anyone who looks closely at Bachmann’s forehead knows that neither she nor Nancy Pelosi has any fear of needles.
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Many Americans who are only casually following the GOP presidential race might wonder “Who’s Ron Paul?” But the candidate just got an ringing endorsement from singer Barry Manilow. Said most Americans under 40 “Who’s Barry Manilow?”
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Tareq and Michaele Salahi, whose 15 minutes of fame comes from gatecrashing a White House party, have filed for divorce. Apparently Michaele is hanging out these days with Journey guitarist Neal Schon. The whole story proves wrong those Americans who said “I couldn’t care less,” about the latest Kardashian wedding.
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New York Mets manager Terry Collins said today his team has “folded it up.” Which means he only noticed this about three months after the rest of us.
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But yikes, Friday night NY beat Atlanta in the 12-2 at Turner Field. If the Mets have folded it up what does that make the Braves – origami?
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U.S. stocks rose again Friday which meant the market is on a 5-day winning streak for the first time in more than two months. Out of habit the GOP presidential candidates blamed it on Obama.
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Pat Boone spoke before the California GOP convention tonight. Makes sense, as the Republican party has become increasingly anti-evolution, it’s important for them to provide evidence that humans have co-existed with dinosaurs.
Dick Cheney is hard at work on the media circuit promoting his new book. And despite the rough year the President has had, Barack Obama at least can take comfort in knowing this sort of thing is one embarrassment he’ll be spared in the future. Because no one expects Joe Biden to be able to edit his thoughts down to one volume.
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TSA has fired or suspended 28 Honolulu airport employees after an internal investigation found the weren’t been screening checked bags for explosives. Yeah, but they got ALL those passengers who attempted to carry on four-ounce tubes of sunscreen.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Detroit jokes, election jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Michele Bachmann jokes, Obama jokes, TSA jokes
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September 16, 2011
Detroit Tigers’ players may not be that unhappy over the end of their 12 game winning streak tonight against the Oakland A’s.
Tigers manager Jim Leyland had said he was wearing the same underwear during the team’s 12 game win streak and didn’t plan to wash or change it until they lost. This might explain the team’s recent great pitching during the streak. No one wanted a visit on the mound.
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Meanwhile the Red Sox are 3-11 in September. Not to say fans are officially panicking. But if this keeps up they may start referring to Fenway Park as Boston’s “Friendly confines.”
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The Pirates have clinched their 19th straight losing season. But that’s okay with folks in Pittsburgh since the Steelers have gotten off to another great start….. Oops, never mind.
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Mitt Romney said today that Dick Cheney “is the kind of person” he’d like to have as running mate. Translation, he doesn’t want to do the work of governing any more than George W. did?
Either that or Romney wants to make sure he has the best hair on the ticket.
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The latest leaked picture scandal involves Scarlett Johansson, with candid photos appearing to show her naked appearing online. Apparently the FBI lottery to be assigned to the case closed yesterday due to too many applicants.
As my friend Pat M. says – “More federal employees hard at work.”
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Pat Robertson said that a spouse having Alzheimer’s is justification for divorce. Newt Gingrich said Robertson’s comments were “a good start.”
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University of Michigan supporters helped save the life of a 68 year old Notre Dame fan who had a heart attack during last weekend’s game in Ann Arbor. Doctors said he survived in part due to one man who performed CPR and others who called for medics. The fans downplayed their heroism and added “Hey, it’s not like he was from Ohio State.”
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Congratulations to Pablo Sandoval, who tonight hit for the cycle (a single, double, triple and home run in one game) against the Rockies. In 2011, it’s hard to remember many games where the Giants as a team hit for the cycle. Heck, sometimes it’s hard to remember games where SF got four hits.
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USA Today reports that analysts say Joe McGinniss’s new book “The Rogue’ negative book may not hurt Sarah Palin. Well, yeah, it’s not like many of her supporters actually read.
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Palin is reportedly particularly incensed. Sarah feels strongly that if there are going to be books containing lies about her, she wants to write them.
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The latest college football rumored move is Florida State considering the SEC. Apparently according to ESPN the school’s football fans have always wanted such a move, but the faculty favors being in the ACC because of the league’s academic reputation. Responded the football crowd – “what’s an ‘academic’ reputation?”
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A new poll shows the GOP split down the middle on those between those who do and don’t consider themselves Tea Party members. And the party is deeply divided on many of the issues. Who do they think they are? Democrats.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Detroit Tigers jokes, Michigan jokes, Romney jokes, Sarah Palin jokes, Scarlett Johannson jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 15, 2011
Target’s website crashed as a frenzy of shoppers tried to purchase the new “Missoni for Target” line. The response from millions of American women -“Target has Missoni?” The response from millions of American men -“Who the heck is Missoni and what team does he play for?
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The U.S. – Mexico border crossing between Tijuana and San Diego was closed Wednesday after scaffolding from construction at the crossing fell on more than a dozen cars. Well, that’s one way to keep out illegal immigrants – have our roads and infrastructure collapse to the point that no one can get in.
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Speaking of overload – GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry met with Donald Trump Wednesday night in New York. Were they discussing the Donald possibly being Perry’s running mate? Or just thinking of opening their own branch of “Hair Club for Men?”
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Commented my friend Alex Kaseberg on the Perry-Trump meeting: “They could both die from the crushing weight of their egos.”
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Now Michele Bachmann is talking about the HPV vaccine making girls “retarded.” Is that what happened to her?
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A new book coming out claims Sarah Palin had a very quick fling with Glen Rice when he was playing for Michigan. How quick? Apparently Sarah referred to it as a “Fab Five Minutes.”
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Sports and political words buzzing over the Palin-Rice fling. Well, at least we know Sarah never slept with Lebron James. They might flirt but neither of them would be likely to go all the way.
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The Sarah Palin-Glen Rice story, even it’s a nonstory, has even taken some media attention away from Rick Perry for a day. Not to say that the Texas Governor likes the limelight, but rumor has it Perry’s now got his staff looking for a female athlete who will admit to a one-nighter with him before HIS marriage.
(Note, it has to be a FEMALE athlete.)
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“Not exactly” award of the day: Tom Brady, talking to reporter about the Patriots home opener told fans to “start drinking early.” A Patriots spokesman later said Brady wanted to clarify his remarks, he just “wants everyone to drink a lot of water, stay hydrated.” Yeah, right.
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So what’s next for Glen Rice now that he’s been named as having had a fling with Sarah Palin back in the 1980s. Media interviews for sure, but how long until he nabs the big prize -a spot on “Dancing with the Stars?”
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A new option on Australian passports for gender allows applicants to choose between “M,” “F”, and X” options, the latter for people of ambiguous or transgender sexuality. Three gender options? That’s probably about two too few for San Francisco.
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On a non-sports, non-politics note, a little reminder that when things go wrong with travel that it could be worse. Had client just miss plane from Dulles to SF today because she was delayed in Washington. Ended up standby on a plane two hours later. And was at airport in time to see orginal flight return after an engine caught on fire….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachmann vaccine jokes, Glen Rice jokes, Palin jokes, Palin-Rice jokes, Rick Perry jokes, Target jokes. Bachmann jokes
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September 13, 2011
What got hit harder? That football Sebastian Janokowski kicked for a 63 yard field goal? Or the Dolphins secondary against the Patriots?
517 yards in the air for Tom Brady Monday night for New England. It’s the most success Brady’s had completing passes since he got Bridget Moynahan pregnant while dating Giselle Bunchen.
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Eight-run outbursts on back-to-back days at A T and T Park. If this continues warrants will be issued for eight men impersonating the SF Giants’ lineup.
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From Russell Young – Better Brandon Crawford than Orlando Cab-error.
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The Boston Red Sox have lost 10 of their last 13 games, and are now 4 games behind the Yankees, and only 3 games ahead of the Rays for the wild card. “Hell, yeah, you’ve got to panic,” said David Ortiz . Oh, “STFU” said fans in SF, St. Louis, and Chicago.
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According to police, Manny Ramirez was arrested and charged with battery Monday after a domestic dispute at his Florida home. Wonder if Manny’s defense will be all those raging pregnancy hormones?
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Ted Ginn Jr. agreed to a reducted contract with the SF 49ers, and had one of the best games of his career, returning both a kickoff and punt for a touchdown. This might be the NFL’s best performance of the year after a paycut. Well, except for Cam Newton’s 422 yards passing after he left Auburn for the Carolina Panthers.
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Cargill Inc. announced their second recent ground turkey recall. Apparently a test showed salmonella in a sample from the same Arkansas plant that produced the turkey recalled last month. So where are the GOP candidates today complaining about over-regulation and demanding cuts in the FDA budget?
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At the GOP debate tonight, when Ron Paul was asked “What do you tell a guy who is sick, goes into a coma and doesn’t have health insurance? Who pays for his coverage? “Are you saying society should just let him die?”, several members of the crowd yelled out “Yeah.” This might be the final nail in the coffin for George H.W. Bush’s “kindler, gentler nation.”
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A 290-pound New York man is suing the White Castle hamburger chain for violating his civil rights by not making their booths bigger to accommodate large bellies. Uh, maybe he could eliminate the problem by eating a few less hamburgers?
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Texas Governor Rick Perry wrote an editorial about Social Security for USA Today in which he didn’t once mention the term “Ponzi scheme.” Translation – some one on his campaign staff told him he probably can’t win without Florida.
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Although “Contagion” led the box office last weekend it was a particularly weak few days for the theaters. Can’t imagine why…. Millions of Americans are feeling nervous about the anniversary of 9/11, and the big new movie is about a virus that may wipe out the world?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Brady jokes, GOP debate jokes, Monday Night Football jokes, Rick Perry jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 11, 2011
This opening weekend of NFL football may not prove much, but it reconfirms one fact Stanford fans already knew: ALWAYS bet on Jim Harbaugh against Pete Carroll.
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And open note to Dallas Cowboys-Tony Romo fans. It is now WAY too late to blame Jessica Simpson.
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Many in Washington, D.C. heard Obama’s jobs speech and thought, sorry, we don’t believe in miracles. To which the President probably thought in response tonight – “Hey, the Redskins beat the Giants, what more proof in the seemingly impossible do you need?”
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During an 8-1 win over the Los Angeles Dodgers, the SF Giants batters managed to work five walks in a five run sixth inning. This shocked many regular Giants fans who are not used to seeing the team take five PITCHES in one inning.
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This just in. Michigan petitions NCAA to switch all their football home games to night games.
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A few more games like today and some enterprising soul in Indianapolis WILL start printing up Andrew Luck jerseys.
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While the tenth anniversary of 9/11 fortunately passed without serious incident in the U.S, there were two separate incidents where fighter jets intercepted commercial flights because of reports passengers were spending too much time in the bathrooms.
In one case, on American Airlines, reports are that the passengers were drunk, in the second case, with Frontier Airlines, reports are the passngers were joining the “mile high club.” On a day when everyone has known for a long time that airline security would be on highest alert….
As awful as acts of terrorism are, I suppose on some level it is comforting to know they are way outnumbered by acts of simple stupidity.
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When the 2001 baseball season resumed following 9/11. the Mets wore NYPD, NYFD and other hats from first responders to recognize their bravery and public service. The team wanted to wear the hats again tonight, but MLB forbade it. As if we needed any more proof that Bud Selig was an idiot.
And final follow up for the day to the September 11 thought from the last post – while the date is a solemn anniversary it’s important to remember that one of the best freedoms we enjoy in the U.S. is the ability to joke about nearly everything, including the government. And live to tell about it.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: NFL jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 10, 2011
Not sure laughter is the best revenge, but to all those who think it’s inappropriate to laugh on September 11, I think if we don’t laugh, it’s another way the bad guys win.
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Good to see Bill Clinton taking the high road and working with John Boehner to raise funds for a Flight 93 memorial. Especially as Bill could have said he wanted a John Boehner tribute to 9/11 simply by placing the U.S. permanently at threat level Orange.
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Police are on alert because of “credible but unconfirmed” rumors of a vehicle bomb in New York and/or Washington tomorrow. Not sure what that means but probably a really bad day to be moving to either of those cities and driving around semi-lost in a rental U-Haul.
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With “Contagion” coming out the same weekend as the 10th anniversary of 9/11, the only thing longer than airport security lines are the lines to wash hands at theater bathrooms.
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Despite Nevada’s 69-20 loss to Oregon today, there’s evidence Ducks coach Chip Kelly was taking the Wolfpack seriously. Kelly reinstated star cornerback and punt returner Cliff Harris before the game. Harris had been suspended indefinitely after being cited for driving 118 mph in June, while driving with a suspended license.
(And no doubt Harris has been warned, if he messes up again he’ll be dropped from the team barely with time to enter the NFL supplemental draft.)
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Houston businessman Jim Crane has been waiting since May for MLB to approve his purchase of the Houston Astros. Considering that the team is on pace to lose about 110 games, maybe the delay is due to the time required to complete a sanity evaluation.
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Oregon coach Chip Kelly has reinstated star cornerback and punt returner Cliff Harris for today’s game. Harris had been suspended indefinitely after being cited for driving 118 mph in June, while driving with a suspended license. Apparently driving that fast is forgivable – if you run that fast on a football field.
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Apparently over 20 Fresno State footballl players from Fresno State have been accused of filing for false benefits in a welfare fraud investigation. In the players’ defense they said “Well, it’s not like we could make any money selling memorabilia from the Humanitarian Bowl.”
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Facing increasing more allegations of NCAA violations, Ohio State needed a last minute fourth-down stop to hold off Toledo today – 27 to 22. A loss would have been the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Buckeyes since at least Thursday.
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A Continental Connection plane landed uneventfully at Sulphur, Louisiana Wednesday night. Except that they were supposed to land at Lake Charles, Louisiana, about a half-hour drive away. That’s it. No more pilot happy hours. (Or at least they need to stick to beer over hurricanes.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough, Sept 11 jokes, September 11 humor
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September 8, 2011
Just might be in a room standing between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney and the only blow dryer.
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Tonight’s GOP debate will be held at the Reagan Library. Ironic, because for all his reputation, Reagan did occasionally compromise with Democrats, raised taxes, and appointed Sandra Day O’Connor to the Supreme Court. In tonight’s crowd his action would be considered those of a flaming liberal.
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Who knows at this point who will be the Republican nominee for President? But if it comes down to Perry and Romney there will at least be full employment for mens’ hairdressers.
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Didn’t we learn from John Edwards? Never trust a man who spends more time on his hair than his wife.
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Michele Bachmann wants to eliminate the Department of Education. Makes a certain amount of sense. She shows no sign of having benefited from it.
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I admit Nancy Pelosi looks like she overdosed on Botox. But Michele Bachman, who is 55, isn’t far behind.
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And in all the potential bets and drinking games, who had Rick Perry praising former Massachusetts Governor Dukakis – telling Romney that “Michael Dukakis created jobs three times faster than you did, Mitt,”
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The White House doesn’t release information on the President’s television viewing habits, but seems likely that if Obama was sitting down watching the debate, he had more fun tonight than he has in months.
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Meanwhile millions of Americans, when asked if they were paying attention to the big debate, figured that meant whether or not Texas A & M should leave the Big 12.
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Is this really the best headline they could have written – on the CNN political ticker? “Christie gets big job.”
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Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton said he was surprised to get a phone call this week from Michael Vick. Surprised I guess because he figured Vick would have called his dad.
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In San Jose, California, police officers cited three women working in a Vietnamese coffee shop who they said were serving patrons while topless. Sort of puts a new spin on “short,” “extra hot,” and “grande.”
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32 games for the SF Giants, 5 errors. At least a few of them resulting in game changing unearned runs. Seems to me Orlando Cabrera should be spelt with a lot more “E”s
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Justin Verlander won his 22nd game today, despite giving up 4 earned runs in 6 innings, as the Tigers beat the Indians 8-6. SF Giants management immediately faxed weather reports on average summer temperatures and humidity in Detroit to their entire starting pitching staff.
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The Florida Marlins’ new stadium, scheduled to open in 2012, is 80 percent completed. The team is so excited they are considering offering a sneak preview tour to both season ticket holders.
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The SEC voted to accept Texas A&M, but the deal won’t be official until all Big 12 schools have promised not to take legal action. You know you’re getting old when you can remember when the drama in college football was actually on the field.
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Travel example in the “You can’t make this stuff up” category: A client asked me to find a hotel near her boss’s meeting in New York. Said sure, but where was the meeting? She gave me the address on Broadway, then added “It’s on the 17th floor.”
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From Augie, in response to my post saying that W. asked Cheney what a “mea culpa” was.
He thinks that Cheney responded “Mea culpa runneth over with your stupid questions.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, GOP debate jokes, Governor Goodhair, Marlins jokes, Perry hair jokes, Perry jokes, political jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 7, 2011
Chaz Bono is facing criticism as a “Dancing With the Stars” contestant from some who claim it’s not about the transgender issue, but about the fact that Chaz is only a “star” by virture of having famous parents.
Right, as opposed to being someone who earned their stardom by both having a famous parent and getting pregnant at 16.
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But let’s be real. Would any actual star (as opposed to “wants to be a star”, “used to be a star”, or “thinks being on reality tv made them a star”), actually have any interest in being on the show? Just asking.
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The Baltimore-New York game ended after 2a Wednesday morning at Yankee Stadium. No extra innings, just a four hour rain delay. It could have been worse – if there was a similar rain delay with a Red Sox-Yankees game, they’d be lucky to finish by daybreak.
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Meanwhile, the New York Mets-Florida Marlins game went to the 12th in South Florida. Anyone want to hazard a guess on how many dozen fans were left in the stands?
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Eddie Murphy is the host of next year’s Oscar telecast. Is he going to appear as his live or animated version?
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Carol Bartz is apparently out as CEO of Yahoo. This surprised many people in Silicon Valley, who based on results were unaware that anyone was actually running Yahoo.
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Regarding California’s Proposition 8, the now-overturned but soon-to-be-appealed anti gay marriage ban, I have one question: With all the major GOP presidential candidates running on platforms that are anti-government intrusion, how come not ONE of them has come out and said that legislating marriage like this is a waste of time and money?
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When Wolf Blitzer asked him about the Bush administration record, Dick Cheney responded “I’m not inclined to make any mea culpas.” And later the former V.P. returned George W.’s phone call to answer “what’s a mea culpa?”
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Ohio State had suspended four players for the team’s season opener against Akron for receiving impermissible benefits. But new coach Luke Fickell said all of them would be reinstated for this week’s home game against Toledo. Yep, the Buckeyes don’t want to be shorthanded when they start playing the tough teams.
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Every week in the NFL, teams release their injury lists. In the NCAA this year, will teams start releasing their “suspended, arrested and/or academically ineligible” lists?
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Sarah Palin apparently ran an half-marathon in Iowa this weekend. Of course Palin said she would have preferred to run a full marathon but that going halfway was better for the people of Iowa.
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For Canadian readers: U.S. college football national champions Auburn paid $950,000 to Utah State to play them, and then barely won 42-38, by scoring two touchdowns in the game’s last three minutes. Heck, for $950,000 Auburn could have paid for a far easier opponent, like the Toronto Argonauts.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Chaz Bono jokes, Cheney jokes, Dancing with the Stars jokes, Janice Hough, Palin jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
September 6, 2011
“Suspended animation.” Is that what they might call a cartoon about the 2011 Miami Hurricanes?
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The Hurricanes, with eight players suspended over a scandal about talking illegal benefits from a booster, lost to Maryland tonight, 34-32.
And many in the media were talking about bad breaks and how tough it is for the Hurricanes.
Excuse me, bad breaks are car or plane crashes, or injuries, or random illnesses. Players who have heard lectures repeatedly on NCAA rules regarding boosters and payouts, and then go out and ignore those rules? Sorry, that’s just plain stupid.
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Best sign seen in College Park on the sidelines of the Miami-Maryland game: “Two Hurricanes, One Week, No Problem.”
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The GOP candidates are just now starting to attack each other as well as President Obama. But it’s going to get worse. If the race was six months further along wonder if someone would say God sent the wildfires in Texas to get Rick Perry off the campaign trail.
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Yesterday exactly two FBS (former Division 1 football teams lost to FCS (former D1-AA) teams. Oregon State lost to Sacramento State. And Duke lost to Richmond. The Blue Devils next opponent? Stanford. Probably not the Luck they were hoping for.
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While his playing status for the Colts opener is still uncertain, Peyton Manning has been told not to practice this week or do any hard workouts. In other words, pretend he’s JaMarcus Russell.
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Michele Bachmann’s campaign manager Ed Rollins quit today, along with his deputy. Rollins said that at 68 he just “doesn’t have the stamina for 12- and 14-hour days every day of the week.” Sounds better than saying he no longer has the stamina for dealing with “bat sh*t crazy.
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Despite her anti-union record Michele Bachmann is scoffing at suggestions that she has no business celebrating Labor Day. After all, as she says “I have five children, I’ve been in labor five times.”
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The Washington Redskins have announced Rex Grossman will be their opening day starter. Which means even Republicans will soon be likely to agree that President Obama is not D.C.’s most disappointing ex-Chicagoan.
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Trivia question of the night. (No fair googling the answer.) Who was the last quarterback to start for the Colts before Peyton Manning? And no, it wasn’t Johnny Unitas.
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It’s a brave new world, or something, with all the fertility treatments now available. The NY Times reported on a group of 150 children, all conceived with sperm from one donor, where some of the mothers and kids even vacation together. Previously these sort of “extended families” existed only when the father played in the NBA.
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Maryland football uniforms must be seen to be believed. Anyone remember Julie Andrews making playclothes out of drapes in “The Sound of Music.” Maybe they hired her to turn some extra state flags into jerseys.
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Lebron James has tweeted “Maryland uniforms…. Ewwwwwww” Yeah, almost as ugly as his playoff performances in the fourth quarter.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough, Maryland uniform jokes, Miami jokes, NCAA jokes
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September 5, 2011
A new L.A. Times poll shows that Rick Perry and Mitt Romney each have 22 % support in a survey of 1,508 registered California Republicans. Ron Paul has 11 %, Michele Bachman has 10%, and Newt Gingrich has 6%. If my math is still any good that means “None of the above” is still leading at 29%.
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Give Sarah Palin credit. In her latest speech she not only went after President Obama, but also her Republican rivals. Palin ripped their continual fundraising, calling it “corporate crony capitalism.” And for more details, she suggested that listeners buy her books.
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Before Sarah Palin’s speech in Iowa, comedian Eric Golub talked about Palin’s son Trig, adding “the left should worship Sarah Palin and adopt her as one of their own. Because the leftist haters are an entire political ideology of special needs children.” Now, I’m usually anything but PC, but can you imagine the GOP reaction if anyone had made a joke like that about “rightist haters” before a Democrat’s speech?
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Any SF Giants fans who have forgotten what scoring looks like should have tuned in ESPN Sunday night baseball, Tigers against White Sox. Detroit got 18 runs. 16 of them by the sixth.
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It wasn’t so much the weekend as the weeks before that made all the games “must wins.” If T.S. Eliot were a Giants fan this year he would have said “August was the cruelest month.”
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Mitt Romney is the son of a Governor, a former Governor himself, and so far an unsuccessful candidate for the U.S. Senate (1994) and the Presidency (2008). Yet in a Tea Party speech he called himself an “outsider.” Outside of what? The realm of plausibility?
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Before Sarah Palin’s speech in Iowa, comedian Eric Golub talked about Palin’s son Trig, adding “the left should worship Sarah Palin and adopt her as one of their own,”Because the leftist haters are an entire political ideology of special needs children.” Now, I’m usually anything but PC, but can you imagine the GOP reaction if anyone had made a joke like that about “rightist haters” before a Democrat’s speech?
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The SF 49ers signed rookie quarterback Scott Tolzien off waivers from San Diego today. Is this part of new coach Jim Harbaugh’s potential ABS strategy? (Anyone But Smith?)
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There are increasing rumors that Chris Christie might jump into the pool of GOP Presidential candidates. Talk about a potential tidal wave.
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Dick Cheney said Sunday that if Hillary Clinton were in the White House, “perhaps she might have been easier for some of us who are critics of the president to work with.” Of course, some would say that if Cheney hadn’t been in the White House, Obama would have had fewer problems to work with.
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From T.C. A Chinese group is negotiating to buy the Dodgers. Gone will be Dodger Dogs and Budweiser, to be replaced with Dodger Dim Sum and Tsingtao Beer. The new mascot will be named Ping Pong Panda.
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It’s only fair in some ways that a Chinese group buys the Dodgers. We’ve been buying junk from China for years.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP primary jokes, Mitt Romney jokes, Sarah Palin jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 