Archive for April 2015
April 30, 2015
England is all abuzz waiting for William and Kate’s second baby, which may be overdue. Americans don’t get why Brits care so much about a Royal Family. As opposed to more important things like whether Hillary can beat Jeb?
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Marcus Mariota watched the NFL draft from his home in Hawaii instead of going to Chicago. Wonder how many will criticize the decision and say the QB at least should have been watching from somewhere in the U.S.
For their 1st round pick in the NFL draft, the Denver Broncos drafted DE Shane Ray, who is already enrolled in the league’s substance abuse program after being cited this week for marijuana. Well, not sure if Ray will be a starter this year, but he’s already well on his way to some potential endorsement deals in Colorado.
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Stanford’s OT #AndrusPeat to the #Saints. Talented AND smart. Somewhere #DrewBrees is smiling.
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Have to wonder with NFL draft starting Thursday night, now agents have locked their clients in a room since say, Monday, to make sure they didn’t get in trouble?
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#JameisWinston #1 to #TampaBay in the #NFLDraft. Makes sense, at least Winston already has good relations with Florida cops.
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And so now as we head to round two of the #NFLDraft, many questions remain. Such as, “which QB will the #NYJets make a mistake with this year?”
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The Oakland As are not off to a great start this year. If the team doesn’t look out they won’t have anyone to trade away at the deadline.
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So Billy Donovan is leaving Florida for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Makes sense, these days being in the NBA gives you more years to coach college-age players.
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Judith Miller on “The Daily Show,” defending her stories about WMD’s in Iraq. “Everyone got it wrong.” Uh, not exactly “everyone.” #whatstoopainfultoremember
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The Kentucky Derby favorite is “American Pharoah” Wonder how many Americans think that is yet another nickname for Obama.
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Meanwhile, Gary Stevens, 52, will ride “Firing Line.” So will Stevens’ game plan be to scream at the other jockeys “You punks get off my racetrack”?
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A 45 year-old-man escaped with only minor injuries when he was pulling up his pants in a Chick-fil-A bathroom and accidentally shot his own leg with his Glock pistol. This happened in Hamilton, Ohio. Okay, Florida, catch up.
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Blake Lively, quoted in UK magazine “Stylist” “I have a dream to go to Harvard Business School, and one of these days I will do that… in my spare time.” Uh, so is Blake angling for a movie contract – “Corporately Blonde?
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In Oklahoma, during a debate about giving state supreme court justices a raise, Rep. Kevin Calvey argued that the court was not sufficiently anti-abortion, and stated “If I were not a Christian, and didn’t have a prohibition against suicide, I’d walk across the street and douse myself in gasoline and set myself on fire. To protest the evil that is going on over there, killing, giving the death penalty, to the will of the people and the will of this body and protecting the least among us.”
Well, in the name of consistency I say it’s his body and Calvey should be able to do what he wants with it. #anybodygotamatch?
From T.C. “Seahawks QB Russell Wilson upgraded a US Army passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight to 1st Class from Economy. Best part of this story was that he “handed” the serviceman the ticket.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: draft jokes, Florida jokes, Kentucky Derby jokes, Mariota jokes, NFL draft jokes, NFL jokes
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April 30, 2015
The Cleveland Browns are apparently discussing a trade to get Marcus Mariota. Who’d a thunk it? For the 2015 season, a team appears to have more confidence in Tim Tebow than one has in Johnny Manziel.
Apparently North Dakota Rep. Randy Boehning has admitted now that he is gay after a man who he sexted on Grindr outed him over his hypocritical voting record. All these closeted creeps must be longing for the good old days when the only way you’d probably get found out was propositioning an undercover officer.
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Really eerie watching all the players stand for the National Anthem at Camden Yards with no fans in the stands. Former NLers Adam LaRoche and Ubaldo Jimenez must have felt like they were about to start a game at Dodger Stadium.
The Houston Rockets fired their head of social media. For tweeting an image of a horse with a gun pointed at it, with the comment “it will all be over soon” as Houston was about to sweep the Dallas Mavericks. Tacky. Although inn the grand scheme of things, there have been worse tweets.
But from someone who was HIRED to be an expert in social media? #cantfixstupid
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The NFL has “voluntarily” given up their tax-exempt status. Meaning one of two things. Either the league figures Congress was close to actually doing something before an election year. Or their tax accountants have figured out another way to avoid paying.
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Jack Ely, 71. who sang “Louie Louie” with Ely and the Kingsmen in 1963, has died. It may not the greatest recording all time. But “Louie Louie” probably holds the record for the song which has had the most brain cells destroyed while listening to it. #Toga!
Eight home runs in 21 innings in 2015 for Ryan Vogelsong. I know Vogelsong is trying to secure his place for the #SFGiants after Matt Cain returns, but someone should tell him the Giants already have a BP pitcher.
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It’s only April, but Alabama CB Cyrus Jones has become the fourth player on the team arrested this spring. For two counts of misdemeanor domestic violence. Maybe Nick Saban shouldn’t be trying quite so hard to recruit players who are NFL ready?
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Republicans hope to damage Hillary Clinton with allegations that the Clinton Foundation took money from foreigners who hoped to benefit from her State Department decisions. While GOP 2016 Presidential candidates have hauled in hundreds of millions already from Super PACs. Well, makes a certain amount of sense, guess they feel politicians should be bought and paid for right here in the USA.
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Reports are that so far this year North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has ordered the execution of 15 senior officials who were accused of challenging his authority. And President Obama’s got to be thinking “You can do that?”
Florida Congressman Mario Diaz-Balart has attached a provision to a Dept. of Transportation appropriations bill to bar any new flights or cruise ships to Cuba, saying it’s because of the President’s “shameful eagerness to appease dictators.”
Guess I’ve missed Diaz-Balart’s efforts to break off relations with, amongst other countries, Saudi Arabia.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Alabama jokes, Baltimore jokes, Boehning jokes, Hillary jokes, Janice Hough, louie louie jokes, Mariota jokes, NFL draft jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 28, 2015
Due to the riots in Baltimore, tomorrow’s White Sox-Orioles game is closed to the public. So players on both teams will get a chance to see what it felt like to play in Montreal’s Olympic Stadium.
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Hoping things calm down in Baltimore as much as anyone. But anyone but me think it’s a bit ironic that Ray Lewis has a video message out “Get off the streets. Violence is not the answer”?
So Donald Trump is back to attacking Obama, tweeting ‘Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!’ And asking if “US taxpayers are expected to rebuilt it (the city) again?”
Funny that I don’t seem to remember the Donald’s similar outrage when U.S. taxpayers were expected to bail out the banks and Wall Street.
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As much of a mess as things are in Baltimore, Maryland does have some very strict gun laws. Wonder how Americans would feel if many of those rioters were armed?
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Why should men have all the fun? #Cantfixstupid, female division. A California woman was arrested at her home less than half an hour after allegedly burglarizing a house in Palo Alto. Police were able to track her so quickly because she dropped her driver’s license during the burglary.
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A YouTube user “TechRax” tested Apple’s new “Watch Sport” by dropping it from a height of about 3 1/2 feet. When it landed face-down the watch screen shattered. So Apple engineers are too young to remember the goal of “Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”?
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So for those people who want to get rid of “Hack-a-Shaq” because it’s not entertaining to watch, how do they feel about the intentional walk? Although if we really want to talk about breaking up the pace of games, how about TV time outs?
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Corporate logic, grocery store division. A local Safeway is under-performing expectations so has few cashiers available at any given time. One reason people I know don’t go to the store – the check-out lines are too long.
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Say it ain’t so. Suzanne Crough, 52, aka Tracy Partridge has passed away. It’s bad enough when the people you grew up watching on T.V. die. It’s worse when they are younger than you are.
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Google’s head of human resources says the company’s oldest employee is “over 80.” Ah, he must be the one who helped design the driver-less car seen around campus with its left blinker on.
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I was semi-joking about the DH and the SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner, who likes to hit, yesterday. Today Madbum backs me up – and he’s serious. “I guarantee you. Some of the things you’re seeing in the American League wouldn’t happen if pitchers had to hit. They’d be a whole lot more polite.”
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Bernie Sanders is running for President. And now Jon Stewart might be REALLY reconsidering retirement. #Letthefunbegin!
Budweiser says it is removing a new slogan label on Bud Light that says “The perfect beer for removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.” Okay, the real question here is not who decided to remove the slogan, but who was idiotic enough to approve it in the first place? #justsayno
The Rockets won their first playoff series since 2009. The Astros are in first place. Are we sure we’re not seeing signs of the apocalypse? #Houstonwehaveaproblem?
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#Spurs win a close one at 1am #SanAntonio time. At that time of night most men their players’ age only get up to use the toilet. #SAvsLA
From Bill Littlejohn: “The NFL is giving up its tax-exempt status.I supposed with all of the scandals coming to light, it can no later be classified as a religion”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Apple Watch jokes, Baltimore jokes, Budweiser jokes, Janice Hough, Ray Lewis jokes, Spurs jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 27, 2015
While MLB is focusing on pace-of-game issues, maybe they should consider also fining National Anthem singers who add several syllables to one-syllable words?
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The NFL draft is Thursday. DE Shane Ray, a probable first round pick, was cited early this morning in Missouri for a traffic violation and marijuana possession. So should part of the job for a really good sports agent be to lock these kids in a room for the week prior to the draft? #cantfixstupid
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A Fox News poll found that 51% of Americans say to legalize marijuana, and 48% say to legalize gay marriage. Of course, with legalized marijuana the same-sex marriage tolerance might go up “Whatever, dude, will they offer me some of their wedding cake?”
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Having this sense that had Bruce Jenner gone to Nepal for a spiritual retreat before his sex-change operation that the Internet would have exploded by now….
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Kim Kardashian said in a “Today” interview that while she doesn’t fully understand her stepfather, she supports him “100%” in his plan to transition to a woman soon. Preferably no doubt as soon as possible so Bruce stops taking headlines from her and Kanye?
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Apparently DUI charges against former Seminole P.J. Williams, who is projected to go early in next month’s NFL draft, have been dropped. The Florida D.A. has decided there was insufficient evidence to charge him. Am sure the fact Williams was arrested by the FSU Police Department has nothing to do with this.
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Jeb Bush told donors that his Super PAC could hit the $100 million mark in fundraising this month. And told reporters on the same day “I don’t think you need to spend $1 billion to be elected President of the U.S. in 2016.” What, so Jeb thinks you need to spend $2 billion?
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Both the Kentucky Derby and Wimbledon have banned selfie sticks this year. Or they could just allow the sticks, and ban the people carrying them. #enoughalready
The NCAA is apparently leaning towards reducing the shot clock from 35 to 30 seconds for men’s basketball. Maybe because they don’t want to confuse all these “one-and-dones” with higher math?
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So what was the difference between the Toronto Raptors and the Toronto Maple Leafs this year? About a week.
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Apparently a brawl, with punches thrown, broke out on a flight from Heathrow last night over legroom. It was on a flight to Muscat, Oman, and a man was arrested upon landing. Surprised it didn’t happen on a flight to the U.S. Of course American carriers would have charged another passengers an entertainment fee to watch.
(From my friend Matt Goldberg, “No Muscat Love on that flight.” )
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Apparently representatives from Nevada have been to Colorado to see how recreational marijuana legalization is going. I can see that. Vegas needs more ways to loosen people’s inhibitions.
From Alex Kaseberg “A headline reads ‘Bush leads Clinton in Polls.’ What was the headline below that? ‘E-mails might replace Faxes’?”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Bruce Jenner jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, jeb bush jokes, Kentucky Derby jokes, marijuana jokes, MLB jokes, NFL draft jokes
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April 27, 2015
Max Scherzer, who injured his thumb batting, says the NL should add the DH as “no one wants to see pitchers bat.'” And that “NFW” in a loud southern drawl you hear comes from Madison Bumgarner. #SFGiants
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If Bruce Jenner feels he has “always been a woman”, is this a small twisted revenge on all those East German Olympic women’s medal winners?
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Here we go again. In Napa, a 29-year-old high school girl’s soccer coach was arrested after a 16-year-old girl reported he propositioned her and sexted her a picture of his genitals. Leaving aside the illegality and wrongness of this, when will men learn – no one wants to see pictures of your junk.
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The Boston Celtics shuffled their lineup for Game 4 today against the Cleveland Cavaliers. Guess this is the NBA version of re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
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A British man will marry his 92-year-old fiancee on his 103th birthday June 13. Well this is one way to probably avoid the 7-year-itch.
Corinthian Colleges said it will end operations and shut down their campuses, affecting more than 16,000 U.S. students. And of course the SEC schools who never got a chance to schedule them in football.
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Sen. Ted Cruz said yesterday that “there is no room for Christians in today’s Democratic Party.” I think this is one appropriate time for the phrase “Jesus wept.”
“Why there is no satire” headline of the day- “George W. Bush Bashes Obama on Middle East.
After letting the Ottawa Senators climb back from 3-0 to 3-2, the Montreal Canadiens closed out their series by winning today’s game 2-0 behind Carey Price’s 43 saves. So the Canadiens may not be this year’s Stanley Cup champions, but at least they’re not this year’s San Jose Sharks.
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Giants and Rockies rained out in Denver. Well, at least this was one game Casey McGehee knew he wouldn’t hit into a double play.
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Although as much as I might rag on McGehee, he has the same number of home runs (1) and until today, the same slugging percentage of the man he replaced, Pablo Sandoval.
And all aboard the bus to hell driven tonight by T.C
“Billy Joel, age 65, and his pregnant girlfriend who is 34 were harassed in a New York restaurant. People were calling him a pervert and dirty old man. He said it totally ruined their 22nd anniversary.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bruce Jenner jokes, Canadiens jokes, DH jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, sexting jokes, SF Giants jokes, Ted Cruz jokes
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April 25, 2015
Police finally trapped a coyote they had been chasing in lower-Manhattan this morning. Wonder if they lured him with an ACME sign.
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So many of the headlines on Bruce Jenner and his “I Am a Woman” comment reference him as a “reality TV star.” I guess those of us who think “Wheaties” and “Gold medal” are really old….
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So for fans of watching heads explode, can we ask all the GOP Presidential candidates what they think of Bruce Jenner coming out as a a Republican?
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Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, talking about the “coarseness:” of society, for example, “the constant use of the “F-word” – including, you know, ladies using it… If you portray it a lot, the society’s going to become that way. It’s very sad,”
Of course, Scalia probably isn’t considering how many women who use the “F-word” are using it in response to his decisions.
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NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says the league will have “full-throated conversations” about eliminating “Hack-A-Shaq’ strategy, saying it’s “not great entertainment for our fans.” Well, heck, if that was the criteria this year the NBA might have eliminated the 76ers and the Knicks.
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If Adam Silver really wants to get rid of the “Hack-A-Shaq” strategy, why doesn’t he propose locking some of these clowns in a gym with a lot of basketballs until they can learn to shoot at least 50% of their free throws?
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are apparently paying Josh Hamilton $75 million to go away. And you thought maybe your boss didn’t like YOU?
The New York Times has reported that Russian hackers had access to President Obama’s emails after infiltrating the White House and the State Department’s unclassified computer systems last year. So does this make Hillary Clinton look like a genius?
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Mary Pat Christie, wife of the New Jersey governor, has quit her $475,000-a-year job on Wall Street, fueling speculation that Chris will announce soon that he is running for President. In the meantime, will the family join the Cruz’s on Obamacare?
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The #Astros are not off to a good start in their annual chase for #MLB‘s number one draft pick.
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Headlines now about the Google executive killed on Everest with the Nepal earthquake. Alas perhaps again illustrating the quote, especially with the U.S. media, “One death is a tragedy, one million is a statistic.”
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Apparently in China, a small turnout at a funeral indicates the deceased was not well-liked and can disgrace a family. So some familes are hiring strippers to perform at the services. Wonder how many men are reading this and thinking “hmm, time to rewrite my last wishes.”
Or as my friend Elizabeth says ” “Wonder how many more men plan to attend funerals? “Hey honey, I’d love to help around the house, but I have another funeral to attend.”
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Six players from Kansas City Royals and Chicago White Sox were suspended for their role in a serious brawl last week. On the brighter side, they’ve all been offered post-season tryouts with the Chiefs and Bears.
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There are plenty of reasons to criticize and disagree with Hlllary Clinton. But regarding her “evolution” on gay marriage, is she any different than many people? Ten years ago a Wash. Post/ABC poll found 39 percent of Americans supported same-sex marriage with 58 percent opposed. The same poll last week found 61 percent in favor, 35 percent opposed. #thetimestheyareachangin
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bruce Jenner jokes, Christie jokes, free throw jokes, Hillary jokes, Janice Hough, Josh Hamilton jokes, NBA jokes
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April 24, 2015
Kawhi Leonard is turning 24 in June. And he and his senior teammates on the Spurs are doing an interesting rewrite of Neil Young’s “Old Man” lyrics.
“Old man look at my life,
I’m a lot like you were.
Old man look at my life,
I’m a lot like you were.
Old man look at my life,
Twenty four
and there’s so much more”
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Just wondering, will they change the Olympic record book to make Bruce Jenner the first and only woman to win the decathlon?
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In Kenya, a dairy cow has started to attack and eat sheep, killing two last week. Hmm. I see the first ad of Carly Fiorina’s presidential campaign…. #demonsheep #demoncows
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Carly Fiorina will supposedly declare her candidacy for President on May 4. Although given her tenure at HP have to wonder, how far will the announced date slip?
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Cal has let go an assistant football coach who was arrested earlier this month in a prostitution sting. Silly. Unlike the seat license holders for Cal’s new stadium, at least the prostitutes delivered value for money to their customers who got screwed.
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Apparently last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy was a real shocker. Of course, for many people the shock is that Grey’s Anatomy is still on.
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There’s a Fox Sports news report today that during the first week Dallas Cowboys’ offseason program, Greg Hardy and Davon Coleman got into an on-field argument and had to be separated by other teammates. So congrats to all those who had April 24 i in the Hardy pool.
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At a gala in Dallas last night, Tony Romo: “We’re going to win a Super Bowl next year. ” And even Cubs fans are asking “What is he smoking?”
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Given their chances to win it really would have been appropriate for many of the GOP Presidential candidates to have announced on 4/20.
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Another thought about that volunteer sheriff’s deputy in Tulsa who fatally shot a man. He is 73. And had a taser AND a gun. At a time when most police retire at 55, and there are still mandatory retirement ages for them in many cities…. #whatdidtheythinkcouldpossiblygowrong
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Here we go again, on Thursday the Kansas City Royals got in a fight with the Chicago White Sox. Five players were ejected. The Royals may not get back to the World Series, but they’re likely to be named the official MLB team of the World Boxing Association.
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Okay, who saw that tonight’s White Sox-Royals game was suspended and figured maybe it was on account of both TEAMS being ejected? (Tonight it was weather. Tomorrow, who knows?)
From Marc Ragovin: “So KC had its second basebrawl of the week the other day. Maybe they should be called the Battle Royales”
Categories: Uncategorized
Comments: 2 Comments
April 23, 2015
The SF Giants are raffling off an authentic World Series ring. Wonder if there’s any truth to the rumor that the Chicago Cubs inquired about buying all the tickets?
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Question on ESPN “Are the Mets really this good?” Of course, another question might be “Are the rest of the NL East teams really this bad?”
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Bernie Williams will officially sign his retirement papers at Yankee Stadium before Friday’s Mets-Yankees game. Williams last played in 2006. What, no farewell tour?
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So apparently the U.S. World Cup’s women’s uniforms are white. With no red or blue on them. May be more people getting upset about this than will actually watch the women’s World Cup. #USAUSAUSA
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Charles Koch on charges that “We are doing all of this to make more money? “I mean, that is so ludicrous.” Translation, “we make PLENTY of money. We are doing “all of this” so that we pay less taxes and keep more of it.”
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So Alabama is moving forward with legalizing medical marijuana. Excellent. Time for a brownie bakery titled “REALLY sweet home Alabama!”
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When the Patriots were at the White House today, President Obama joked that he had scissors ready in case Bill Belichick wanted to to cut the sleeves. Scissors huh?! Maybe we’ve figured out “deflate-gate” #BlameObama.
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The Spurs’ Kawhi Leonard won the NBA Defensive Player of the Year Award, prevailing over the Warriors’ Draymond Green. Heard on a radio interview this a.m. “Nice to see small men getting some recognition.” Leonard and Green are both 6’7″ #shortpersonfacepalm
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WNBA players Brittney Griner and her fiancee, Glory Johnson, were both arrested last night for suspicion of assault and disorderly conduct. Alas who says women athletes can’t be the equals of men.
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Iowa Congressman Steve King Congressman has proposed a “Restrain the Judges on Marriage Act of 2015” which would ban federal courts from hearing all marriage-related cases, including same-sex marriage cases. So the decisions would rest with state courts.
Okay then, does King also feel the feds should stay out of state decisions like legalized marijuana?
From Bill Littlejohn “The Philadelphia Eagles have worked their home schedule around the Pope’s visit—but many of their fans plan to show up and boo him anyway.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: brittney griner jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, Mets jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 23, 2015
Impressive win by the Spurs tonight in OT against the Clippers in Los Angeles. Heck, impressive with the game ending after 10pm PT, midnight CT, that most of the team was up that much past their bedtimes.
Gregg Popovich used the “Hack a Jordan” strategy tonight in the win, putting DeAndre Jordan at the line repeatedly. Ugly, yes. Fun to watch, no, fun for the Clippers, no. But there IS a solution, for Jordan and others – learn to shoot a bleeping free throw.
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The Oklahoma City Thunder fired Scott Brooks today, after he had coached the team for seven years. Guess Brooks didn’t do a good enough job of making sure Durant and Westbrook didn’t get hurt?
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Jameis Winston now says he didn’t steal the crab legs, but they were given to him by a Publix employee. as was a cake the week before. Uh, illegal benefits? Vacate the Seminoles wins! Or at the very least the NCAA should put USC on probation again.
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Your tax dollars at work. Today the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals reversed Barry Bonds’ obstruction of justice conviction . Saying his vague grand jury answer was “not material to the government’s investigation into steroids distribution.” But hey, this decision itself can be appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. More tax dollars!
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Greg Hardy was suspended for 10 games by the NFL after he was found guilty of assaulting and threatening to kill a former girlfriend. If he’d actually killed her would the Cowboys’ new DE have been given 12 games?
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Really, former Chicago Bears kicker Jay Feely said Tim Tebow is the worst QB he has even seen in his NFL career? With all due respect, Tebow might not have even been the worst QB Feely saw on the Bears.
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A Carnival Cruise ship made it to Sydney Harbor 24 hours late after suffering some damage from 40-foot waves during a major storm. No reported injuries. But stand by anyway for the CNN mini-series.
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Revenge for the 21st century:. When a Japanese woman discovered her boyfriend was cheating on her, she put his iMac, iPhone, iPad and accessories into the bath tub. And then sent him a picture. Even in drought-stricken California most women would say that’s a fine use of water.
(Andy D. says, “The waterproof Android phones need this as their new commercial!”)
Mitt Romney’s son Josh has said, for now, that he won’t run for the Senate in 2016, but thinks he will run for office some day in the future. Isn’t it nice to know that we live in a meritocracy that isn’t led by family dynasties?
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During a question and answer session at the White House today for “Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day, a little girl asked Michelle Obama how old she was, and when Michelle responded, “51,” the girl made a funny face, and said “You look too young.” Then repeated “You’re too young for a 51 year old!”
Wonder if the House hearing this, immediately called for a special investigation.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, cruise jokes, Hardy jokes, Jameis jokes, Janice Hough, Popovich jokes, Spurs jokes, Tebow jokes
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April 21, 2015
Okay, who says I never say anything nice about Yasiel Puig?. He just applauded an amazing outfield catch by Justin Maxwell. Of a ball Puig himself had hit. Don’t get used to this, LA friends. #SFGiants #Dodgers
#Whythereisnosatire. Actual comment on a Tripadvisor hotel review -“The beach was too sandy.”
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So apparently a number of wealthy people in California are ignoring requests and warnings of fines to conserve during the drought, and are keeping their lawns lush and green. Fine then, if money is no object maybe we should just pass a temporary law requiring them to use bottled water.
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Another thought to deal with wealthy California water wasters who have no intention of giving up their lush lawns: Vigilante herds of cows. #grassfedbeef
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#NFLschedule for 2015 out at 5pm PT. And presumably at 501p #Raiders fans announced they have been shafted.
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In Naples, a 49 year old grandmother was arrested for DUI after she rear-ended another car in her BMW, with her 10 year old grandson in the car, while wearing only sandals and a bikini. Back on your game, Florida.
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ESPN has a factoid today: When Tim Tebow was at Florida and took the snap within 2 yards of the goal like, the Gators scored 59% of the time, while the SEC as a whole converted 53%. Then in the pros he scored on 80% of such opportunities, compared to under 50% for the rest of the NFL.. Hmm, maybe the coach who SHOULD have signed Tim as a backup QB was Pete Carroll.
Gwyneth Paltrow has finally legally filed for divorce from Chris Martin. So guess what guys, she’s single.
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Queen Elizabeth II just celebrated her 89th birthday today. It’s all part of her grand plan to live forever. Or at least outlive Charles and Camilla. #GodsavetheQueen
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What’s more amazing, that Cincinnati Reds manager Bryan Price reportedly dropped the F-bomb 77 times in a rant against the media, or that someone in the media took the time to count the F-bombs?
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A 70 year old woman was arrested at JFK for trying to smuggle 4 lbs of cocaine in her panties. So how would you now like to be the customs officer in charge now trying to figure out whether or not to search possible Depends wearers?
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Charles Koch, talking about the Presidential election said that “he and his brother are “only” planning to spend about $300 million “directly” on electoral politics in 2016, including federal and state elections. Well, gosh, pocket change. So why should we worry about money in politics?
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A new study involving over 95,000 children found no link between the MMR vaccine and autism. Alas, a lot of the people affected will put the results down to commie-pinko stuff like numbers. #cantfixstupid
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Jessa Duggar Seewald, one of the “19 Kids and Counting” herd, has announced she is expecting a baby on her first wedding anniversary. What took so long?
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Josh Gordon has admitted his season long suspension, following probation, was from drinking alcohol on the Browns’ private plane in January. And CB Joe Haden said “Nobody was aware that he couldn’t drink.” Uh, except Gordon.
From Alex Kaseberg “A German study claims watching too much Internet porn can cause short-term memory loss. I don’t believe it, besides, what do those Swedes know anyway?”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, drought joke, Duggar jokes, Florida jokes, Gwyneth Paltrow jokes, Janice Hough, Queen Elizabeth jokes, SFGiants jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 20, 2015
Apparently in Kansas City some fans are complaining because the hot dogs on “$1 Hot Dog Night” were not exactly top quality. These are probably the same folks who complain about day-old sushi.
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Kraft Foods says they are getting rid of artificial preservatives and synthetic colors in their “Original Macaroni and Cheese” starting in January 2016. Have to wonder, without the day-glo orange color, how many kids will stop eating the stuff?
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Tim Tebow has formally signed a one-year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. Let’s hope Tim didn’t take that “City of Brotherly Love” nickname too seriously.
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Pelicans coach Monty Williams said that the Warriors crowd noise during game one was “a little out of hand.” Did he think Golden State fans would hear this and be quieter tonight. #cantfixstupid
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The #1 NFL player as far as merchandise sales last year was Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. Wonder how many fans bought stuff to pass on?
(My friend Arne says “there was a run on his jerseys…”)
Chris Christie is against legalized marijuana and says “we have an enormous addiction problem in this country.” So is the New Jersey Governor proposing the equivalent of lap-bands for pot smokers?
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In Parma, Missouri, five out of a total of six cops resigned after the town elected a black woman mayor. So if Hillary gets elected will they turn in their citizenship?
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Former N.J. Gov and CEO of bankrupt MF Global Jon Corzine is apparently considering starting his own hedge fund. Will the firm’s logo be a fox guarding a hen coop?
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President Obama and his family took an unscheduled hike in Virginia’s Great Falls Park yesterday. Let’s see, no golf included, no Air Force One or helicopter needed…. maybe critics will go after him for bringing too much attention to the park and thus contributing to future overcrowding? #cantwin
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SF 49ers right guard Alex Boone apparently told HBO’s “Real Sports” about former coach Jim Harbaugh ” “This guy might be clinically insane.” Just wondering, what percentage of NFL coaches does Boone think aren’t?
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A recent CNN-ORC shows no clear favorite for the Republican presidential nomination. Though since the primaries are about a year away have to wonder how many Americans could name the options. #toomanyridersintheclowncar
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The SF Chronicle reports that Cal wide receivers coach and recruiting coordinator Pierre Ingram was arrested last week during a prostitution sting for allegedly soliciting an officer. Yet another ill-advised and incomplete pass for the Bears?
Jon Stewart announced that his final episode of “The Daily Show” will be August 6. Wonder how many prospective Presidential candidates have now decided to announce they are running on August 7.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, food jokes, hot dog jokes, Janice Hough, Jon Stewart jokes, NBA jokes, New Jersey jokes, NFL jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 20, 2015
Say what? The NY Post reports that NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio’s hopes that a “draft de Blasio’’ movement will result in his beating Hillary in the primaries like “George McGovern successfully challenged the initially front-running establishment candidate, Edmund Muskie, more than 40 years ago” And we all know how well that worked out for the Democrats.
Today is 4-20. Let’s hope protesters in favor of marijuana legalization remember to show up before 4-21.
Jon Stewart told the UK Guardian that he is leaving The Daily Show because he was becoming increasing depressed by US politics and cable news. Which alas is how many Americans feel about coping with current events without him.
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Both the Oakland and Kansas City benches emptied for the third straight day during today’s game and five Royals were ejected after Kelvin Herrera threw a 100 mph fastball behind Brett Lawrie. Almost a shame the two teams don’t meet again until late June. – some say baseball doesn’t get high TV ratings because it’s not a contact sport.
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Tim Tebow is joining the Philadelphia Eagles. Meaning it will be a close competition between him, Matt Barkley and Mark Sanchez for the QB most likely to have Philly fans scream “Jesus Christ.”
Marco Rubio today “I also don’t believe that your sexual preferences are a choice for the vast and enormous majority of people. In fact, the bottom line is I believe sexual preference is something that people are born with.”
Is the Florida Senator saying he has conceded the bat sh*t crazy vote?
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Donald Trump apparently retweeted (then deleted) a tweet saying “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America. Thinking if Donald Trump can’t make TWO marriages work what makes him think he can deal with tough international relations.
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A new book says that Ronald Reagan believed in extra-terrestrial life and in 1985 told Mikhail Gorbachev at a peace summit that “he was sure the two superpowers would co-operate if Earth was threatened by alien invasion.” Don’t laugh too fast… alien invasion might explain some of the candidates we have running for President.
(My friend Suzanne G. says I have now disrespected aliens.)
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A British study found that drivers who were dehydrated (drinking 25 ml -less than an ounce of water) an hour, made as many mistakes as drivers who were over the DUI limit. Of course, imagine that drivers who drink a LOT of water are more likely to speed to get to a restroom.
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Texas Rangers GM Jon Daniels says he’d like to give Russell Wilson a shot but . “Obviously, he’s got a pretty good thing going on with the Seahawks, and we’re not going to get in the way of that.” Translation, Wilson’s a decent baseball player but he’s not THAT good.
(Alex B. says “Wilson was going to give baseball a go, but Pete Carroll told him to pass.”
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Apparently the Lily Pulitzer collection for Target caused a shopping frenzy Sunday morning online and at Target stores. And if you have any idea what that means you probably don’t have a Y chromosome.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: 2016 Presidental election jokes, 4 20 jokes, De Blasio jokes, Janice Hough, Jon Stewart jokes, marijuana jokes, Rubio joke, Tebow jokes, Trump jokes
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April 18, 2015
And of course two weeks into the season didn’t we all have the #SFGiants ace being #ChrisHeston?
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Is it too soon to nominate #ChrisHeston as NL Rookie of the Year? #SFGiants
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The SF Giants have placed pitcher Jake Peavy on the DL for a back strain. Wonder if Peavy strained it by turning around so often to watch where balls hit off him were going.
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Last night Pablo Sandoval “barreled” (ESPN’s word) into Baltimore 2B Jonathan Schoop trying to break up a double play. Today the O’s put Schoop on the DL with a partially torn PCL and, sprained MCL.
Panda isn’t making himself too popular with any fans wearing Orange and Black.
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Pete Rose has been hired as a guest studio analyst for Fox. No word on how much the network is paying him. Or on how much Rose made for betting someone would offer him a baseball-oriented job.
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As if we needed proof that in some parts of the US, the state bird is the football: Ohio State drew over 99,000 fans today. For a Spring intra-squad scrimmage game.
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Many celebrities today at various Earth Day rallies. Wonder how many arrived on private planes?
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Carly Fiorina is the latest “maybe” entrant in the 2016 race. “I will probably be running for president in a few short weeks.” All these indecisive people…. are they waiting to see if they can hire as a campaign manager Brett Favre?
Fiorina also says that if she gets in the race, she can block Hillary Clinton from playing the “gender card.” Alas, with her record at HP Carly can’t block Hillary from playing the “halfway competent” card.
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Rand Paul today said the GOP needs to “tax cuts to help poor people.” Sort of like fighting wars for peace?
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Kendall Schier, originally credited with being the woman winner of the this week’s St. Louis Marathon, was stripped of her victory because officials found she actually joined the race after the last checkpoint. And a new generation learns the name “Rosie Ruiz.”
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After the Wizards’ Paul Pierce said the Raptors didn’t have “it”, the Toronto fans and media have been all over him. The Sun newspaper in fact had a picture of Pierce as Gandalf, the OLD Wizard. Did the Sun forget? Gandalf knew about getting rings.
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So has #ARod really gotten his swing back? Or has he just found an undetectable PED?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Earth day jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, SF Giants jokes Carly Fiorina jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 18, 2015
So a new Kansas law prohibits welfare recipients for using benefits to go to movies or sporting events, get their nails done, or buy things like alcohol, cigarettes and lingerie. But they WILL be able to use the cards to buy guns. #GodblessAmerica #priorities #whatcouldgowrong?
Are we sure that the animal Madison Bumgarner rode on Opening Day to deliver the SF Giants pennant was a horse and not a billy goat?
Worst thing for #SFGiants fans Friday night? Having gone for post-game fireworks. And now having to stay for game to be over.
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Nike has announced that they have signed Jameis Winston to a contract. Considering some of the former FSU star’s past decisions, are we sure that the slogan “Just Do It.” is the best idea?
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The #SFGiants haven’t won at home since they started tearing down Candlestick Park. Time for an exorcism? Or something?
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Mike Huckabee said today he is still unsure about running for President but will officially announce his plans May 5. When no doubt the former Arkansas Governor will say one of his best qualifications is strong decision making skills.
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Now that he’s out of rehab, Johnny Manziel issued a statement saying he is working to regain trust and asking everyone to respect his privacy. Here’s a hint Johnny, just don’t start tweeting tweet any updates from Vegas.
In Washington, a semi-truck carrying bee hives crashed on I-5, resulting in millions of the bees swarming the highway. Guessing this makes the clean-up one of the biggest ever “honey-do” lists?
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So a new Kansas law prohibits welfare recipients for using benefits to go to movies or sporting events, get their nails done, or buy things like alcohol, cigarettes and lingerie. But they WILL be able to use the cards to buy guns. #GodblessAmerica #priorities #whatcouldgowrong?
Oops. Apparently in March, a U.S. marshal accidentally left his loaded gun in a bathroom stall on top of a toilet paper dispenser at Newark airport and boarded the flight without it. (A janitor found the weapon and turned it in to TSA.)
And you feel bad about leaving your cellphone somewhere.
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That 73 year old volunteer sheriff’s deputy in Tulsa who fatally shot a man after he said he mistook his gun for his taser has apologized and said “it can happen to anyone.” Well, that ought to make us all feel safer.
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Then there’s this horrible moment. A Texas veteranirian not only apparently shot and killed an orange tabby cat, someone’s pet, with a bow and arrow, she bragged about the shooting and posted a picture on Facebook.
She has been fired, one would figure if not just for the cruelty but for the stupidity of bragging about it on social media.
If only the cat had been armed.
Rare hockey moment. LA Kings’ forward Jarret Stoll was arrested Friday night in Las Vegas on suspicion of drug possession. Two thoughts. 1. How out there do you have to be to get arrested for drugs in LAS VEGAS? 2. Well, based on the Kings’ year they weren’t PEDs.
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Comments: 1 Comment
April 16, 2015
Too easy but someone’s got to do it. The Apple Watch, scheduled to be in stores April 24, now won’t be there until June. Isn’t the first function of a watch to be on time?
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Chris Christie Tuesday said if elected President that he would enforce federal law against states that have legalized marijuana. “I will crack down and not permit it.” Whatever happened to small government “states’ rights” conservatism?
Guessing whatever electoral map the New Jersey Governor has in his head never included California, Washington and Colorado?
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A West Virginia woman is suing Walt Disney Corporation, claiming that the company somehow inserted a rubber chip in her body without her consent. Really, does she expect to convince a judge or jury that Disney does ANYTHING for free?
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So last year United Airlines took away free alcohol on international flights in coach Now they’re announcing that as of June 1 they’re offering free beer and wine to international economy class passengers. Kind of the airline equivalent of doubling prices before a “Buy one get one free” sale.
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Washington State Auditor Troy Kelley has been indicted on tax-evasion charges. You’d think if nothing else he’d have been smart enough not to get caught.
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So with the Warriors having the best record in the NBA, and the Spurs having the best record over the past few weeks, Vegas has of course made the favorite to win the championship – the Cavaliers. Well, makes sense, they are the closest team to the East Coast.
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Toronto-based Ashley Madison is going public but in England. Going to to be interesting to see how many people buy stock who will swear they never use the website.
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Really? Rush Limbaugh and others are attacking Hillary Clinton for not tipping at Chipotle, and for not introducing herself and mingling with other customers. So a- how many of these folks tip at fast food restaurants, and b- if she HAD gone in and started talking to customers, Clinton would have been accused of disrupting normal Americans’ lunch for a photo op. #canweactuallytalkaboutissues?
If she had left a $20 she’d have been criticized for trying to buy votes. #cantwin
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The NBA playoffs are starting. But to put in perspective how crazily long the process is, if baseball used the same format, the World Series “Fall Classic” could end in December.
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The D.A in the Aaron Hernandez case said “the fact that he was a professional athlete meant nothing in the end.”. True, but had Hernandez not been an athlete they’d have locked him up and thrown away the key a long time ago. Instead of after a months long trial with the best defense money could buy.
#BruceBochy turned 60 today. As the #SFGiants and #DBacks game goes into the 12th, right about now he’s got to be feeling 70.
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Some of the younger generation may find it hard to imagine travelling without cellphones. But just as hard to imagine now travelling with luggage without wheels.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Apple jokes, Chipotle jokes, Chris Christie jokes, Disney jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, rush limbauh jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 15, 2015
“I am shocked”. Said absolutely no one. #AaronHernandez.
Turns out the person who most needed an #NFL team in #LosAngeles was Aaron Hernandez.
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Aaron Hernandez actually looked surprised when he was found guilty of murder. Was he counting on talking to OJ for advice on finding the real killers
Now that Aaron Hernandez has been found guilty, will they try him for those other two murders? Guessing the Patriots regrettably have given up on pinning him with those under-inflated balls.
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Cleveland Browns coach Mike Pettine on drafting Johnny Manziel. “We had the information that everyone else in the league had. It’s easy to look back now and say ‘What did you miss?”. And even Captain Obvious is snickering, “Really?!”
Actual warning on a frozen pizza “Not ready to eat. Cook before serving.” #cantfixstupid
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But the winner is. A New York man found bedbugs in his rental car. Someone apparently told him he could kill them by saturating them with alcohol. Which he did. And then sat in the car and lit a cigarette. Did kill the bugs. And the car. First and second-degree burns for him. Plus the #cantfixstupid award for the week. So far.
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Kim Kardashian has an actual book coming out May 5. It’s a collection of selfies titlled “Selfish.”. Give her credit for truth in advertising.
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Okay, who else saw the headline about a man arrested for landing a helicopter on the Capitol lawn and thought. “Secret service joyride?”
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United Airlines is offering Mileage Plus members the chance to use their miles to attend a batting practice event with the Los Angeles Dodgers. The way the SF Giants are hitting, they might have a similar event and make it a tryout.
The Cleveland Browns unveiled new uniforms yesterday, with nine different jersey combinations. Team president Alec Scheiner. “We could be like Oregon of the NFL.” Like “Oregon?” Meaning almost but not quite good enough to win the BCS championship?
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In Hillsborough County, Florida, near Tampa, the sheriff’s office has shut down a training school for “top earning exotic dancers and models.” after complaints of loud noise and late parties. Shame. Might have actually been classrooms where they could have gotten a lot of the state’s “student-athletes” to attend.
Cheryl Rios, CEO of “Go Ape Marketing” in Dallas, posted that she thought women could run business but didn’t think a woman should ever lead a country., “‘With the hormones we have, there is no way [a woman] should be able to start a war.” And said she would move to Canada if Hillary Clinton became president.
Not that Canada would take her, but at least Rios didn’t threaten to move to England. #cantfixstupid
“Not with a bang but a whimper.” Was T.S. Eliot thinking about the Lakers, who are putting an exclamation point on their lost season with a loss at home to… .Sacramento?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Aaron Hernandez jokes, Browns jokes, Giants jokes, Hernandez guilty jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, secret service jokes
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April 14, 2015
The San Antonio Spurs are playing so well down the stretch, the NBA may end up classifying Ensure as a PED.
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Wow. Just wow. That mother who dangled her 2 year-old over a cheetah enclosure, and then accidentally dropped him has been placed on leave from her job. Which is, or rather was – assistant director of a Columbus, Ohio “Kindercare” childcare center. #cantfixstupid #whythereisnosatire #NottheOnion
Will someone please tell the #SFGiants that the sign on the ATT Park grass is not spelled Opening Weak. #OpeningWeek
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The #SFGiants are scoring like folks at an #AARP convention with a Viagra shortage.
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The Chicago Cubs are offering a new “Mac and Cheetos” hot dog For all those fans who have decided maybe it’s not worth living to wait until next year.
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Considering all the injuries this year so far #SFGiants home opener could have been worse. #Madbum could have fallen off the horse.
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Billy Joel, 65, and his 33 year old girlfriend are apparently expecting a baby daughter. Stand by for a change from “Uptown Girl” to “Up-all-night Girl.” “And when she wakes up And makes up her mind…..”
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Some educators in Atlanta are going to prison over illegally inflating test scores for students from struggling schools. Idiots. If only they had just done it for athletes….
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Bus to hell time. Can they transfer Lawrence Phillips to the same prison as Jerry Sandusky?
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Carly Fiorina said in an interview on “Morning Joe” that Hillary Clinton, while an “inspiration to women”, doesn’t have a record of “accomplishments.” I guess Carly figures she knows accomplishment. How many women have gotten their companies to pay them $20 million to leave?
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The top Republican and Democrat on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee said they have reached a bipartisan agreement on legislation that would allow Congress to review a final nuclear deal with Iran. What? Must be a joke. This sounds too rational
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The San Antonio Express-News reports that Joan Cheever, a chef who has been feeding the city’s homeless for the past decade, was cited last night by police with a $2,000 ticket for serving food without a permit. She plans to argue in court that under the 1999 Texas Religious Freedom Restoration Act, she has a right to serve food to the homeless because she considers it a free exercise of her religion.
Okay, where are the defenders of Indiana and Religious Freedom on this one??!!
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If President Obama wants to do something with that “sponsor of terrorism” label he took off Cuba a lot of women would have no problem if he put it on Saudi Arabia.
Jeremy Lin on the Lakers “I do think we’re headed in the right direction.” Well, if the goal is a lottery pick, yes indeed
The makers of “Kind” bars have been warned by the FDA because “the products do not meet the requirements” to say the bars are a “good source of fiber” with “low sodium” and “no trans fat.” Well, as if anyone expected to find wood chips in “cottage” cheese.
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Here we go again. John Boehner today said Obama should re-engage U.S. combat troops in Iraq to fight ISIS. Is the Speaker volunteering to go over and lead them?
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Hint to drivers: When a sign under a stop sign says “Cross traffic does not stop” it refers to the street your street is crossing. All cars. Not a comment on cross i.e. angry drivers #cantfixstupid #nearmiss #didnthavetimetobeawitnesss
From Marc Ragovin: “Upon kicking off his presidential run, Marco Rubio said “Yesterday is over, and we are never going back.” He then unveiled a five minute commercial featuring him and a superimposed Ronald Reagan.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupidid, Billy joel jokes, Boehner jokes, Carly Fiorina jokes, Cubs jokes, Indiana jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Spurs jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 13, 2015
Of course, the way things went, the SF Giants might have had better luck scoring if they were playing polo.
Even though some may think that three World Series rings in five years is getting old, it’s important to remember. The Chicago Cubs won back-to-back World Championships in 1907-08. #SFGiants #carpediem
Tom Brady bounced his opening day pitch at Fenway Park today. But to be fair, the Patriots don’t have a Marshawn Lynch equivalent Brady could have handed the ball to.
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Maybe the #SFGiants are having a hard time batting with all those rings on their fingers?
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Meanwhile, the first Monday night baseball game of the season will feature the Yankees vs the Orioles. Guess those three nationally-televised games against the Red Sox didn’t give the Bronx Bombers enough exposure?
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Barry Bonds has spoken up in support of A-Rod and says he doesn’t know why baseball and the Yankees aren’t celebrating his milestones. Now, I am NOT a fan of Alex Rodriguez, but baseball’s attitude to him is a bit like Dr. Frankenstein complaining about someone building a monster. #chicksdigthelongball
Yeah, I know, “Anything can happen.” But does anyone really care who gets the 8th seed in the NBA Eastern conference?
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Marco Rubio is the latest entrant into the 2015 Presidential race. Two candidates now from Florida. Better make that clown car a convertible.
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An Alaska Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing to rescue an employee who got stuck in in the cargo hold (which was at least pressurized.) The airline has stated this incident was a complete aberration, and not a test to see how it might work in future to transport passengers on their lowest fares.
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So apparently that Alaska Airlines employee who was trapped in the cargo hold fell asleep in there. Asleep?! Really?! United Airlines is now trying to figure out how many “comfortable bed” tickets they can sell in cargo.
Another headline today about 100 people sick on a cruise ship, this time the Celebrity Infinity, which holds over 2,000 passengers plus over 1,000 crew. So 100 out of about 3,000 people. That’s much better odds for avoiding vomiting etc than most people get on say, spring break.
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From Bill Littlejohn, Apparently Wisconsin basketball coach Bo Ryan caused quite a stir with his post-NCAA Tournament “rent-a-player” comment. Now the Oakland A’s are considering suing for trademark infringement.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, airline jokes, Alaska Airlines jokes, Brady jokes, clown car jokes, Janice Hough, madbum jokes, Opening day jokes, Rubio jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 12, 2015
Congrats to Masters’ champion Jordan Spieth. And how young is Jordan? The first people he hugs after his win are his parents.
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Arlo Guthrie is on a “50th Anniversary Alice’s Restaurant Tour.” Well, now you can still get anything you want, if you can remember what it is you wanted.
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Hillary Clinton today announced her candidacy for the Presidency. The speech was sponsored by Captain Obvious.
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Pence, Ishikawa, Cain, Peavy, Belt… Now the latest SF Giant to get injured this year was Casey McGehee last night with a strained knee. Has someone informed the team that “Eight Men Out” is not a desired goal for the home opener?
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The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim seem determined to dump Josh Hamilton. Well, if they’d eat most of his salary maybe the SF Giants should take a chance on him? #poweroutage
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The NY Knicks and Orlando Magic, both lottery teams, combined for 15 points in the second quarter of Saturday night’s game. 15 points combined. Not a typo. And more than a few college one-and-dones suddenly thought, maybe staying in school another year doesn’t sound that bad.
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Anneget Raunigk, 65, of Berlin, already has 13 children, and is now 21 weeks pregnant with quadruplets, using donated sperm and eggs. Even the Octomom is thinking “Is she nuts?”
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On a brighter note, Raunigk should be transitioning to diapers about the same time she trains her toddlers out of them.
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Overhead (for real) at farmer’s market. Woman runs up to husband “Why are you in line here?”. He says “It was a long line. Figured their stuff must be good.”.
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There was a “fatal incident” Sunday at the Richard Petty Driving Experience at Walt Disney World in Orlando. The attraction, which was scheduled to close in late June anyway, allows tours to drive NASCAR at speeds of up to 165 mph. Let’s hope the victim wasn’t texting at the time.
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Rand Paul today, “Some of the hawks in my party, you can’t find a place on the globe they don’t want boots on the ground.” For a guy who can be bat sh*t crazy, Paul does have these astonishing moments of making sense.
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In Cleveland, a 3-year-old child apparently fatally shot a 1-year-old boy in the face. If only the baby had been armed.
A 2 year-old who fell into the Cleveland Zoo’s cheetah enclosure after being dangled over the edge by his parents is recovering. Apparently mom and dad went into the exhibit to rescue him, but as a local TV station reported “the cheetahs made no attempt to interact with the child or the child’s parents.” Making the big cats in this case, much smarter than the humans. #Cantfixstupid
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Marc Ragovin, “What a remarkable display of golf at the Master’s. It left me …. Spiethless”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, age jokes, Giants jokes, Hillary jokes, Janice Hough, Jordan Spieth jokes, Knicks jokes, Masters jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 11, 2015
Eight errors for New York so far in five games. Time to refer to them as the YankEEEEEs?
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So the Red Sox and Yankees, after 19 innings Friday night, had the early game Saturday night for national television. Wonder how many people on the the East Coast went to bed, woke up and thought “My gawd, they’re STILL playing.”
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That 19 innings for the Red Sox and Yankees Friday lasted seven hours and five minutes, including a 16 minute power outage delay. And somewhere George Steinbrenner is thinking “Seven hours? Why I hired and fired Billy Martin fast than that.”
The NY Yankees are trying to void $6 million contract bonuses for A-Rod for each person he passes on the all-time home run list, saying they are no longer “milestones”, and they are prepared to go to arbitration over it. This could end up better than “The War of the Roses.”
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Forget about hearts in San Francisco. The 2015 Giants appear to have left their bats in Arizona.
So the Atlanta Braves put a punctuation mark on their rebuilding year by trading All-Star closer Craig Kimbrel before the season even started. And they are now, 5-0?! #Itsafunnygame
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Okay, so #Madbum is 1-1 with a 5.40 ERA. #Kershaw is 0-1 with a 5.84 ERA. #Giants #Dodgers #Miserylovescompany
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Providence beats BU 4-3 in the #FrozenFour final. But who but me hears “Frozen Four” and thinks of the last #SFGiants fans left during most late weeknight games at Candlestick.
And wonder how many parents hear “Frozen Four” and think ‘Dear Gawd, not MORE sequels.”
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Tiger Woods may or may not ever get back to the top of the golf world, and he may still have the biggest galleries. But Woods will never be as beloved as Phil Mickelson.
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Tiger Woods teaching his children not to swear would be kind of like Madonna trying to teach her children to dress appropriately.
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The Yankees are now 1-4. Of course, it’s early times, but how long until New Yorkers start looking forward to the Jets season?
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Why should the Yankees get all the headlines? – MLB announced that Mets closer Jenrry Mejia has been suspended 80 games after testing positive for stanozolol.
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Mets closer Mejia “I know the rules are the rules and I will accept my punishment, but I can honestly say I have no idea how a banned substance ended up in my system.” Got to be tempting for MLB to offer a 50% reduction in suspension to the first guy who says “I admit it, I blew it, they caught me.”
From Marc Ragovin – “Reuben Flores of the NY Mets is the very definition of a shortstop. He stops the ball and all of his throws come up short.:
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From Gary Bachman; “There’s a campaign to put a woman on the twenty dollar bill. And ‘In God We Trust’ will be replaced by “You Go Girl.'”
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For those at FOX who want to get a jump on head explosions in advance of Hillary’s announcement tomorrow: “In my opinion, President Obama is an honest man.” Raul Castro.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Frozen Four jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Masters jokes, Mejia jokes, Mets jokes, Red Sox jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 