Archive for September 2012
September 30, 2012
U.S. collapsed so fast in the Ryder Cup today have to wonder if beer and fried chicken were involved.
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The Ryder Cup was played at Medinah Country Club, a suburb of Chicago. Which means the least surprised fans were Cubs fans. They know nothing good happens in town in September.
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Tiger Woods was point-less through Saturday’s matches in the Ryder Cup. Wow. Last time Tiger went that long without scoring, Elin and a tree were involved.
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Ann Romney says if Mitt is elected her biggest concern “obviously would just be for his mental well-being.” Well, gosh, good thing he’s not going for a high-stress kind of job.
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Baylor 63, West Virginia 70 on Saturday. So who started the college basketball season and didn’t tell us?
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Well, Tim Tebow isn’t the starting QB yet. But after a 34 to 0 loss to the SF 49ers no doubt the NY Jets had a stadium full of people screaming “Jesus Christ!”
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The 49ers were so dominant Jim Harbaugh didn’t even need replacement refs to give him unlimited challenges.
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From the very funny Alex Kaseberg: Meanwhile, the former NFL substitute refs continue to make horrible decisions; last night one of them went to Red Lobster and ordered sushi.
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A Mormon woman’s email has gone viral asking people to fast and pray for Mitt Romney in the debates. Well, not sure if this would help Mitt on Wednesday, but it can’t hurt our country’s obesity issues.
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Paul Ryan this morning, after being asked for details of their tax plan: “well, I don’t have the time. It would take me too long to go through all of the math.” Is this campaign speak for “You can’t handle the truth?”
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Both campaigns are working so hard to praise their opponents’ abilities and downplay their own chances, it’s hard to tell if we’re having a Presidential debate Wednesday or a playoff game.
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Mitt Romney is apparently practicing “zingers.” Just what we need. A stand up comic in chief?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, Jets jokes, Ryder Cup jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 29, 2012
CNN Headline today “Apple seems to have gotten a little bit lost.” Uh, that’s probably because they used their own Maps app.
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Keegan Bradley and Phil Mickelson won a Ryder Cup match with a record tying 7 and 6 victory over Lee Westwood and Luke Donald. Prompting many Americans who heard the news to chant “USA, USA, USA – uh, I have no idea what a 7 and 6 victory means.”
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In a statement today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said that “fans deserve better.” Tell us about it, said Cleveland Browns fans.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger said his estranged wife hasn’t read his tell-all book, but added “I think that Maria is, you know, wishing me well in everything I do.” Well, maybe UNTIL she reads the book.
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How many people heard “Fox airs suicide live” and thought they were showing another Mitt Romney 47% speech?
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TLC plans 3 new episodes of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Great news for tv viewers who find “Keeping up w/ the Kardashians” too intellectual.
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Karl Rove said this week of the Presidential campaign. “There are 11 different ways to win without Ohio.” True, and about 100 ways to lose.
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Ben Affleck interviewed about his 7 year marriage to Jennifer Garner: “For a successful marriage, one, a man needs to know who the boss is, and two, he needs to know it’s not him.”
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Bud Light has new “Limited Edition NFL Kickoff” cans. If you save one and display it on your mantle, you might be a Redneck.
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The head coach of a Tustin, California children’s Peewee (10-11 year olds) football team has been suspended, along with the league president, after players allegedly were offered $50 in cash to knock opponents out of games. Shocking. What ever happened to rewards like doughnuts and Slurpees?.
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Congrats to Homer Bailey on his no-hitter tonight. But the way the Pirates are playing should the game have an asterisk?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, election jokes, honey boo boo jokes, Mitt Romney jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 28, 2012
Many customers are so unhappy with Apple’s new Maps application that they want to storm the company headquarters. Fortunately for Apple, if they use the new App they’ll never find it.
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You can tell many in the sports world have moved on when ESPN radio guys muse without a trace of irony today about Michael Vick being on a short leash.
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Give the Ryder Cup credit, who’d a thunk you’d ever hear a “USA USA” chant on a golf course?
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Rex Ryan now admits he mistook Alex Smith for Aaron Rodgers at this year’s NFL awards. Didn’t know Smith and Rodgers had the same shoe size.
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And who ever thought before this lockout that anyone would ever see this headline? “Fans greet NFL refs with standing ovation.”
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United Airlines beverage napkin: “Planes change. Values don’t’. Your priorities will always be ours.”. Even Romney and Obama on the campaign trail are crying bullsh*t.
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Sign of how far civilization has come – Direct TV on planes. Sign that the Mayans may have been rIght – one offering is “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”
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Wonder why the Cleveland Indians fired manager Manny Acta with only six games left in the season? Guess they wanted him to suffer this year as much as the fans did.
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The NBA says they will institute procedures to reduce “flopping.” Instead of fouls during the game, however, the league office will probably do postgame reviews, and fine the offenders. Will they refer to the new rule as the “Ginobili tax?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 26, 2012
The NFL and their referees just came to an agreement to end the lockout. What a disappointment for fans of lousy teams who will now have to find another excuse.
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From my friend Joe Salvatore, a lesson learned from the lockout: Always remember: It is OK to use Scab High School and D-3 refs for your games that could cost someone their job or even their health ….but it is a $15,000 fine to wear a MLB cap in your post-game Press Conference!
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Bobby Valentine says he thinks he’s coming back in 2013 as manager of the Red Sox. Sounds like Bobby’s as in touch with reality as he’s been all season.
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A woman is suing Southwest because she says she was severely burned by a cup of hot tea the airline served her onboard. This would never happen at United Airlines. Their tea, and coffee, are always lukewarm.
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Oops. Florida State Rep. Mike Horner of Kissimmee, “a rising star in state GOP circles” according to the Orlando Sentinel, abruptly ended his re-election campaign this week when his name surfaced on the client list of an Orlando brothel. Well, at least the scandal involved adult women.
(And not moralizing here, but jeez, you think the guy would at least be smart enough to go out of town to find his hookers. For those who haven’t been to Florida, Kissimmee is an Orlando suburb, near Disney World.)
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Both Monica Lewinsky and Ross Perot are writing memoirs. About 15-20 years after most people would actually care.
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A recent ABC News/Washington Post poll says 61% of Americans have a negative opinion of Mitt Romney’s handling of his campaign. Assume the other 39% percent are Democrats.
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Arkansas AD Jeff Long said that despite the SEC football team’s 1-3 start, the program is committed to coach John L. Smith for this season. Translation “Who else could we get to take over this mess?”.
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Eric Gagne said 80% of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs. Now 80% of them are saying they were part of the 20%.
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Another mailer from the Romney campaign today, addressed to me by name and address… “Dear Janice…. “You are one of our Party’s most prominent members, and I would be honored if you would join my team as a major contributor.”
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How badly run is Mitt Romney’s campaign these days? Even Charlie Sheen said – “Not winning.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, NFL lockout jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 25, 2012
Maybe some of these replacement refs should run for office: They’ve done a better job than anyone else in America of getting bipartisan agreement on something.
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Hard to remember that before this lockout started, one of the favorite pastimes of hardcore NFL fans was complaining about the regular refs.
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Hope for his sake that someone tells Mitt Romney that this would be a bad week to talk about any friends he might have who are NFL owners.
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Anyone else wondering about the results had the refs given an NFL game like last night’s to Pete Carroll, if the opposing coach was Jim Harbaugh? (There might still be crime tape on the field. )
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The possible real reason last night’s disputed NFL call was such a big deal? Before that “catch,” Green Bay had not only won, but they had (barely) covered the four point spread.
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On the other hand, if Monday night’s NFL call had gone against the Dallas Cowboys, they’d be praising the refs in 49 states.
Aaron Rodgers said tonight that the NFL cares more about saving money than about the integrity of the game. What was his first clue?
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Mitt Romney actually said today at a speech in New York that he “understood” the unions had to look out for their members. Wow. So maybe Mitt does watch Monday Night Football after all.
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Romney’s campaign now says his comment about opening plane windows was a joke. But come on, we all know better – Mitt had to open windows on his private planes to feed the dog on the roof.
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A new study cites state police as having an estimated 80% likelihood of divorce. Wow, that’s almost as high as being in the NBA. Or marrying a Kardashian.
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Uh, about those Bonds asterisks….. Former Cy Young winner Eric Gagne says in his new biography that 80 percent of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs.
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At the University of Minnesota, Crookston, a DII football team, their midfield logo ended up painted at the 45-yard instead of the 50. Had the school only been scheduled to play an SEC team, no one might have noticed.
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In NY today, Anna Gristina, a Scottish mom of 4, who allegedy ran a brothel for wealthy men, pled guilty to “promoting prostitution.” She will likely get probation after credit for 4 months time served, but could be deported. Why? Unlike with many Wall Streeters, at least her clients were happy when they got screwed.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Packers jokes, replacement ref jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 24, 2012
What a country. I think many bad Supreme Court decisions have resulted in less outrage.
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Jon Gruden, in the midst of his rant against replacement referees, said that “Green Bay shouldn’t have to fly 6,000 miles back home with a loss here”. 6,000 miles? Yeah, this ought to do wonders for the dumb jock image.
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A thought about these replacement referees. If everyone in the NFL cares that much about getting it right, what was this billion dollar industry doing with part-time refs in the first place? (And yes, for non-football fans, the striking refs are contract employees, many with full-time other jobs.)
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Drew Brees described the replacement refs in the Saints’ game Sunday as “horrendous.” Assuming Drew just got a friend request from Aaron Rodgers.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up – – Mitt Romney on Ann’s plane scare last week: “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous.”
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An ex-Intel executive, who cooperated with investigators, escaped with a fine and probation for giving confidential info about his company to a New York hedge fund manager. Gosh, wonder if he had done something really bad, like sold an extra large soda?
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A flight attendant for US Airways Express was caught with a loaded gun in her handbag at Philadelphia International Airport. Well, that’s one airline where passengers may now think twice about whining for a second drink.
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Heath Bell, who lost the Marlins’ closer job, is complaining about Ozzie Guillen saying “It’s hard to respect a guy that doesn’t tell you the truth or doesn’t tell you face-to-face.” Wonder if Guillen’s response would be “It’s hard to respect a guy with a 5.19 ERA who’s converted 19 of 26 save opportunities.
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Police said that renters moving into a home Sunday morning in Modesto, discovered a body. Yikes. Guessing someone won’t get their cleaning deposit back.
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How times have changed. Next Sunday Arnold Schwarzenegger is appearing on “60 Minutes” to plug his new “tell-all” book. Remember the days when some were hoping to change the constitution so that Arnold could run for President?
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Mitt Romney last night “We do provide care for people who don’t have insurance. If someone has a heart attack, they don’t sit in their apartment and die. We pick them up in an ambulance, and take them to the hospital….” Of course insurance for preventive care might have kept that heart attack from happening in the first place.
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Kerri Walsh Jennings just revealed she was pregnant when she and her partner won their last Gold medal at the London Olympics. And may I join millions of women around the world in saying “Weaker sex, my ass.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Mitt Romney jokes, MNF jokes, NFL jokes, Packers jokes, replacement ref jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 23, 2012
Okay, who had this after NFL week 3?. Ben Rothlisberger, Drew Brees, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are all on teams with losing records.
Watching today’s 49ers-Vikings game made me glad we don’t have replacement umps in baseball: “So it’s one, two, three, four, five strikes you’re out….”
(For anyone who didn’t see, the referees allowed 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh to challenge a play after his third time out, wrongly decided the challenge and then allowed him to all another one. Might answer the question “whatever happened to Chris Webber?)
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Hard to know what’s been uglier in some of Sunday’s NFL games- the officiating or the play on the field?
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Well for those fearing that the Washington Nationals winning their division was a sign of the apocalypse, the Redskins appear to be their usual awful selves.
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After SF Giants clinched division title last night, SF 49ers decided today was THEIR day to have fans on their feet screaming.
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Mitt Romney yesterday warned guests at a fundraiser that Obama could have us “on a pathway to become California.” The fundraiser was in San Diego.
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RNC chair Reince Preibus when asked about GOP plans for the economy – “I mean, we’ve got specifics coming out of our eyeballs.” So their plans include a Halloween movie?
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NY Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said the man who jumped into the Bronx Zoo’s tiger den wanting to be “one with the tiger,” was not drunk or insane. Well, one out of two, maybe.
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Kevin McClatchy, the former owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, said in an interview with The NY Times that he is gay. Would be nice some day if the nationwide reaction was simply “so?”
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#2 LSU barely defeated Auburn 12-10 Saturday. Setting the Tigers up for a climactic loss to Alabama November 3, and another repeat matchup in the BCS championship.
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Mitt Romney on fundraising: “I’d far rather be spending my time out in the key swing states campaigning, door-to-door if necessary….but fundraising is a part of politics when your opponent decides not to live by the federal spending limits.” Yep, once again, time to blame Obama.
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A Northern California elementary school principal was arrested a charged with selling methamphetamine. I think anyway. Is this a news story or an episode of Breaking Bad?
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More on Ann Romney’s “This is hard” quote. It also included “it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.
Where’s Clint Eastwood to ask the question “Do you feel lucky, punks?”)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, NFL jokes, replacement referee jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 22, 2012
Iowa lost today to Central Michigan in football? Once again, proof you can choke on a cupcake.
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Melky Cabrera disqualified himself from the 2012 batting title, because he didn’t want to win a tainted award. Now, I think he did the right thing here, but did Melky want to win the title? Absolutely. He just didn’t want anyone to know it was tainted.
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So Alex Smith nearly gets fined for wearing an Giants cap, Giants manager Bruce Bochy wears a 49ers cap Nice mutual support from SF professional sports teams. Does this mean LA Dodgers manager Don Mattingly next will be sporting a USC cap?
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Love this headline about Pawlenty’s resignation: “Tim Pawlenty Quits Romney Campaign for ‘Sexy’ New Lobbying Job” This may be the only time “Pawlenty” and “Sexy” have been used in the same sentence.
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As the lockout continues the NHL has now cancelled the preseason. Surprising many Americans who didn’t realize the NHL HAD a preseason.
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The White House issued a report saying that customer service has improved at US Customs. Either that or customs is just looking really good by comparison to TSA.
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Fortunately no one was injured after an electrical fire on Ann Romney’s campaign plane filled the cabin with smoke. But it was scary. Next flight some Secret Service folks have offered to ride with the dog on the roof.
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President Obama, a long-time Chicago fan, said today he is ‘‘looking forward to a White Sox-Nationals World Series.’’ Romney will respond as soon as his staff reminds him what teams his friends own.
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From my funny (and frustrated) New York friend Marc Ragovin: “The Franklin Mint has just announced they are issuing rare gold coins commemorating each of the Mets four post-all star game home wins.”
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According to the Gainesville (FL) Sun, Herman Cain said today he would have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he had been chosen as the Republican nominee instead of Mitt Romney. I believe the correct response is in German “Nein, nein, nein.”
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Wow. SF Giants’ Pablo Sandoval has hit four home runs in three days, after no home runs since July. Is it time to check for Panda Enhancing Drugs?
Florida senator Marco Rubio has been tweeting his displeasure with commercial airline flight delays. “Sounds really annoying,” responded Mitt Romney. “What’s a commercial airline flight?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 20, 2012
You’re already too late to get in line for the new iPhone 5. Although the iPhone 4S is not even a year old. Wonder how many people who stayed up all night kept hearing Siri say “You idiot, go home to sleep”
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A spat between two female flight attendants on an American Eagle flight at JFK got so heated the pilots decided to return to the gate for a new crew. For future, wonder if the airline is considering rescheduling the women, adding onboard mud and charging for inflight entertainment.
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Ann Romney today fired back at the media and critics of her husband: “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.” Nothing personal against Ann, but what does she think being in the White House would be like?
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So have to wonder, if Matt Kemp had been suspended last month, would the Dodgers be leading the NL West?
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Bruce Springsteen has purchased an Olympic gold medal winning horse for this daughter. Does this mean “the Boss” is thinking of running for office?
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The first college football playoff hasn’t even started and commissioners are considering adding another game to be part of the semifinal rotation. Translation, the SEC wants more guaranteed games.
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This bus to hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach. “A California man is being accused of murdering his wife by slow cooking her. His attorney says the charges are a crock.”
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Wal-mart says they are phasing out the sale of Kindles. Guess it’s hard when your target customers don’t read.
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New Arkansas coach John L. Smith has filed for bankruptcy, declaring $25.7 million in debt. $25.7 million?!! So after coaching is Smith considering a run for Congress?
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Mitt Romney attacked President Obama’s saying he has learned “you can’t change Washington from inside, only from the outside.” Saying HE will fix it from the inside. Of course someone in 2007 said, “I don’t think you change Washington from the inside. I think you change it from the outside.” Yep. Romney, campaigning against John McCain.
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Florida Atlantic DE Carl Pelini says of their games this week with Alabama, that the Tide “ain’t what people think,” and “can be beat.” Sounds like what some of the cockier Christians said about the Lions.
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To show his support for Alex Smith, SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy has now been photographed wearing a SF 49ers cap. Out of habit, the NFL tried to fine him too.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, iPhone jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 19, 2012
Leaving politics aside, is this ESPN headline a sign of the apocalypse? “Nationals inch closer to clinching postseason spot.”
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Mitt Romney says that “Letterman hates me because I’ve been on Leno more than him. Letterman’s response “I don’t hate Mitt.” Well of course, how can you hate someone who gives you so much material?
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The Cincinnati Reds magic number is down to three. Of course for many Ohioans, the real magic number is 47. The number of days until they don’t have to see election ads on television 24/7.
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PED’s, brain injuries, arrests…. good to know that the NFL is on top of the important things – like fining the 49ers’ Alex Smith $15,000 for wearing an SF Giants cap to a post-game news conference. (Really. Although they later did change the fine to a warning.)
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Meanwhile this from comedy writer friend Torben Rolfsen, after Falcons RB Michael Turner was charged with DUI just hours after Monday night’s win: “He must have been really out of it, because he asked if a replacement official could administer the sobriety test.”
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The Big East, with teams ranging from Rutgers to San Diego State, is considering adding a 14th team. Wonder if Hawaii is available?
(my friend Tony L. suggests “Singapore. Then they can be the “Big Far East.”)
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Todd Akin’s campaign site today urged his female supporters to sign a pledge saying “I’m a women, and I support Todd.” (I guess spelling is another of those wacky liberal concepts.)
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Bumpersticker idea for the day: “One of the 53%. And still voting for Obama.”
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Chick-Fil-A has announced they will stop giving money to anti-gay groups. This either means the chain has decided to embrace tolerance, or their recent sales are down.
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Lindsay Lohan has been charged with leaving the scene of an accident after allegedly hitting a pedestrian at 1230a in Manhattan last night. It’s all part of America’s celebrity “50 strikes and you’re out” program.
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Interesting, while Mitt’s trying to demonize the 47%, a Seattle Times article talks about the biggest employer in town (no, not Microsoft) – Boeing. In 2011, for the fourth straight year, the company had no net income-tax, despite $5.1 billion in profits.
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Paul Ryan’s said Mitt Romney’s comments on the 47% were “obviously inarticulate.” How come, and this is a bipartisan question, politicians always say their own stupid comments were just badly phrased but their opponents’ mistakes reveal their true feelings?.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 47 percent jokes, Janice Hough, Nationals jokes, replacement referee jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
September 19, 2012
So it’s all about the Romney video. But really, there’s hasn’t been so much talk about 47% since, well, last Thursday and Jay Cutler’s completion rate.
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(And btw, since there are no ads, no taxes are paid from the writing of this blog.)
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Mitt Romney just dissed Americans who see themselves as “victims.” So much for that all important Cubs’ fan vote.
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SF Giants are in great shape. But for all those making playoff plans, I give you: the 2011 Atlanta Braves – 8 1⁄2-game lead wild card lead Sept 1. 2011 Boston Red Sox – 9-game wild card lead on Sept 3. Some chickens are better left uncounted.
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Right about now would be a good time for Mitt Romney to prove to the world that he has always paid U.S income tax. If he has always paid U.S. income tax……
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Just wondering, if Tampa Bay’s attempt to rush the NY Giants’ huddle during their end of game kneel-down had resulted in a fumble, how many teams would try it next week?
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The San Jose Spartans received one 25th place vote in this week’s USA Today-Coaches college football poll. Well, they did come closer to beating Stanford than USC.
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NFL teams are furious with the replacement refs. They can’t wait to get back to being furious with the regular officials.
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The New York Jets lwere scoreless in the last 40 minutes of their loss to the Steelers, Peyton Manning threw three interceptions in a quarter in a loss to the Falcons. Wonder whose fans were screaming louder for Tim Tebow?
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USC Matt Barkley said today he’s glad coach Lane Kiffin publicly critiqued his play last weekend against Stanford. Is this the college football equivalent of “Stockholm Syndrome?”
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Kate Middleton may be getting the international headlines, but Mitt Romney also is learning – even when you think you have privacy, don’t expose yourself.
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The world is pretty divided on this Kate Middleton topless picture scandal. Some women think the media went too far, some think Kate should get over it and keep her top on in future, and men just want to see similar pictures of Pippa.
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Some are now talking Ryan Braun for the NL MVP if the Brewers make the playoffs. If so, got to love it, the All-Star MVP busted for PEDs and the potential repeat MVP winner playing only because his suspension was overturned on a technicality. Way to clean up the game, Bud Selig.
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PC overload time. A Rhode Island school district banned father-daughter dances and mother-son ballgames on gender discrimination charges. Who do they think they are – San Francisco?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 47 percent jokes, 47% jokes, Cutler jokes, Jets jokes, replacement referee jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
September 18, 2012
Friends of Amanda Bynes are reportedly worried about her, one told TMZ he saw her on several occasions having long conversations with inanimate objects. But maybe Amanda’s fine, she’s just auditioning for a part in the next Clint Eastwood movie?
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The author of “50 Shades of Gray,” E.L. James, who has 15 and 17 year old boys, says the books are her “fantasies writ large.” And you think your mother was embarrassing when you were a teenager…
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USC coach Lane Kiffin said that Matt Barkley made two “really poor decisions” in the Stanford game, but also that the offensive line “did have the most missed assignments we ever had anywhere we’ve been.” Way to have your team’s back, Lane.
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President Obama will appear on the Kansas ballot after a state board ended its birth certificate probe. Not because of evidence, but because the “birther” dropped his suit, saying he had been threatened. Kind of makes you see why the state doesn’t teach evolution.
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Blue Jays shortstop Yunel Escobar apparently wore eye black during a game against the Red Sox with a gay slur spelled out on it. MLB is looking into the incident . If Escobar doesn’t get fined for the slur, he should be fined for being stupid enough to put it in writing.
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Classes were evacuated at LSU due to a bomb threat. Fortunately, that didn’t affect any of the football players.
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A librarian claims she lost 76 pounds in two years by only eating at Starbucks. Makes sense, how many calories could she afford?
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Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine, regarding his “weakest roster in the history of baseball” comment, now says “that wasn’t meant to be a criticism of any players or anything in the organization.” I think I like “was pushed into a lifeboat” better.
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What is it about men from Massachusetts running campaigns for President (who aren’t named Kennedy)? – Mitt Romney at a private fundraiser: “There are 47 % who will vote for the president no matter what, who are dependent on govt no matter what, that they are victims, who believe that govt. has the responsibility to care for them. Who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing….”
(way to go after that Florida senior vote.)
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More about comment on the 47% percent of Americans who pay no federal income tax – “I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” Wonder how many in that category are rich folks with REALLY good accountants and offshore accounts?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bobby Valentine jokes, Clint Eastwood jokes, Janice Hough, Lane Kiffin jokes, LSU jokes, Romney leak jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 17, 2012
Wonder how many viewers tuned into tonight’s 49er-Lions game and were secretly disappointed by the relative lack of violence? Especially between the Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz.
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Jim Harbaugh tonight borrowed Molly Ivins’ line about Ann Richards to praise his QB Alex Smith, saying he was “tougher than a two-dollar steak.” And a Golden Corral Restaurants spokesman said, “Hey, what did we ever do to you?”
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Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says he will go to court to force teachers back to work. Which means either he thinks the union has gone too far, or he realizes children don’t vote.
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Have to wonder if the Cowboys will feel the same sense of urgency this week in signing that long term contract with Tony Romo?
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The Patriots fell at home to the Arizona Cardinals. Frustrated New England fans are wondering if they can blame it on Bobby Valentine?
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Dwight Howard in an ESPN interview to air tonight” That’s one of the lessons that I learned, you know. I can’t make everybody happy.” Here’s a hint, Dwight, if you can’t make up your mind, you don’t make anyone happy.
(Even Lebron James is saying, “Hey, bro, at least I made a decision.”)
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Reggie Bush had such a good day, wonder if we should expect Kim Kardashian to reconsider?
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A new study has 7 signs of being a “shopaholic,” One supposed sign “You experience a rush of excitement when you buy.” Of course there’s a name for people like that, they’re called “women.”
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“I am not a witch” Christine O’Donnell, is considering another run for Senate in 2014, saying “I think I owe that to my supporters.” Not to mention the nation’s struggling comedy writers.
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Love these “bombshells.” The National Enquirer has a headline story about Malia and Sasha’s private school, saying 71% of students said they have attended parties where drugs or alcohol available. Wow. Would guess in most high schools it’s closer to 100%. (And wonder if that counted their parents’ parties.
(as a friend says, well, that means 29% percent of the kids have already learned how to lie.)
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Stanford’s number 9?! Okay, not too bad after barely beating San Jose State and beating that other California team by a touchdown.
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My favorite statistic from last night’s Stanford-USC game: As the clock ran out in the first half with the Cardinal protecting against a Hail Mary, Curtis McNeal ran for 30 yards. Without that the Trojans would have been in minus numbers for net rushing.
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Netanyahu said today that the U.S. must establish a clear “red line” that Iran cannot cross with its nuclear program if it wants to avoid war. Sometimes I wonder, does the PM realize Americans are not electing a President of Israel?
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Another statement on Libya: “This is a time when we all should reflect on those who continue to give, even the last measure, of service and sacrifice, to promoting and defending America’s interests abroad. This is above all a reminder that politics should end at the water’s edge.” From Jon Huntsman, proving again why he was too sane to make it through the GOP primary.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, Jim Harbaugh jokes, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes, shopping jokes
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September 16, 2012
Is it really an upset when a college team defeats another for the fourth year in a row? Just asking?
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Wonder if Lane Kiffin has already started looking for his next opportunity to underachieve?
My son heard this from Erin Andrews post-game on ESPN – “Stanford students are really smart but they won’t be going to class tomorrow after celebrating all night…” You can’t put anything past those University of Florida graduates.
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Wonder if USC can take solace is that Stanford only beat the Trojans by four points more than they beat San Jose State.
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Meanwhile the MVP for Ohio State today may be Cal’s field goal kicker.
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Question of the night. What was more unlikely? Stanford beating USC tonight? Or the SF Giants being 8-0 in Barry Zito’s last eight starts?
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No comment: Rick Santorum at a Values Voter Summit today – “We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”
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Now Italian and Irish magazines announce plans to print those topless pictures of Kate. In the U.S., women think “This is outrageous,” men think “When can we see them?”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Lane Kiffin jokes, Rick Santorum, Stanford jokes, Stanford upset, USC jokes, USC upset
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September 15, 2012
Bobby Valentine, on the Red Sox – “This is the weakest roster we’ve ever had in September in the history of baseball.” Yeah, he’s got his team’s back – with a sharp knife in it.
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Kentucky has a new $7 million dorm for men’s basketball, with all singles and a private chef, along with flat screen televisions, pool tables and leather recliners. It’s almost enough to make the players wish they were staying more than a year.
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Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein said today that rebuilding the team “won’t happen overnight” and that 2013 may also be tough. Undaunted, die-hard Cubs fans immediately put on t-shirts saying “Wait until the year after next year.”
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Mitt Romney on pop culture: “I’m kind of a Snooki fan. Look how tiny she’s gotten. She’s lost weight.” Uh, Mitt does know Snooki’s no longer pregnant?
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Reading the media coverage, I am confused. So is there some football game before Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz meet up again on Sunday?
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Move over Arizona and Florida, we’ve got a new challenger for the crazy crown. In Kansas, the State Objections Board – composed of 3 GOP elected officials –has postponed until Monday a decision on removing President Obama from the state ballot over objections about his birth certificate.
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ESPN’s Andrew Stark says Buster Posey is now the favorite for the NL MVP. Shocking. ESPN knows anyone plays baseball well on the West Coast?!
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All this hubbub over the topless pictures of Kate. It could have been worse – the paper could have published pictures of Camilla.
David Price got his 18th win of 2012, improving to 7-3 against the Yankees. Unfazed, New York management feels confident that in a new years they will have Price’s free agency contract ready.
Mitt Romney, about his October 3 upcoming first debate with President Obama: “I think the challenge that I’ll have in the debate is that the president tends to, how shall I say it, to say things that aren’t true.”
As opposed to what Mitt himself says, which is true until he says something later.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, Obama birth certificate jokes, Red Sox jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 13, 2012
Wow. Jay Cutler’s performance tonight was enough to get Bears fans on their feet screaming for Rex Grossman.
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Not to say Chicago looked bad tonight, but Cubs fans sent sympathy notes.
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For the first time ever, visitors to Disney World’s Magic Kingdom will be able to have a beer or glass of wine with dinner at the new “Be Our Guest” restaurant opening in November. For a lot of tired parents, this really will make it Fantasyland.
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With today’s win, #81, the Orioles have guaranteed they will finish no lower than .500 for first time since 1997. The New York Yankees send their congratulations and suggest to keep the team healthy that Baltimore just shut everyone down for the rest of the season.
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The Wall Street Journal said that the new Nike Lebron Signature she would retail for $315. But they were wrong, it will only be $270. Well, heck, guess that means Nike thinks the average American can buy two pairs?
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Orioles beat Rays 3-2 in 14 innings. The game lasted almost 5 1/2 hours. Wow! That’s almost as long as an average Yankees-Red Sox game.
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Moving the Houston Astros to the AL was supposed to result in more reasonable travel schedules. So let’s see, the SF Giants’ longest 2013 roadtrips? LA-Colorado-Cincinnati, and LA-NY Mets and NY Yankees? Anyone in MLB offices look at a map?
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San Francisco Intl Airport (SFO) will close a main runway between 1000p Friday and 800a Monday for three weekends in September. Which will cause at least half the flights to be delayed, and the other half to be blamed on the closure.
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SI.com headline: “Reigning MLS MVP likely to miss rest of season.” “Bummer”, said most U.S. sports fans “Who is he, anyway?”
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Apparently potential Romney V.P. candidates had to give Mitt’s campaign 10 years of tax returns.
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The N.Y. Board of Health voted today to ban large sugary sodas in the city. Many read the news on the electronic ticker tape over the Times Square Hershey’s store.
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Dueling fundraising drives: Obama campaign offers donors a chance to spend an evening with Beyonce and Jay Z. Romney campaign counters with a chance to join “Mitt on board the campaign plane for an exciting day on the campaign trail — at 30,000 feet!
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Apparently a seagull swooped down and stole a camera right out of the hands of a tourist on a San Francisco beach. Hmm, wonder if the bird can be trained to go for cellphones in outdoor restaurants?
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A new report from the Global Commission on Elections, Democracy and Security, headed by Kofi Annan, says that US campaign rules, with “uncontrolled, undisclosed, illegal and opague” finance, have shaken public confidence in politics. How long until our elections get UN observers?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bears joke, Janice Hough, Jay Cutler jokes, New York jokes, Orioles jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 12, 2012
Bristol Palin’s baby daddy and his current girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, 20, have had a baby girl. Her name, no joke, “Breeze Beretta Johnston.” See, there are worse fates than to be born to Snooki.
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At a press conference today, Apple unveiled their iPhone 5, with “a taller Retina display, faster LTE speeds, and a newer smaller connector.” And millions of baby boomers said “I have no idea what any of that means.”
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Oops, the pretty picture of warships below U.S fighter jets the last night of the Democratic convention turned out to feature Russian ships, and the DNC has apologized. Stupid mistake. But it wasn’t caught by any politicians who are veterans. Of either party.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg. “In New Hampshire they renamed a pond called Jew Pond. Now it is called ‘Should It Kill You to Call Your Mother?’ Pond.”
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It’s a long nearly eight weeks to the election. But good news for folks on both sides – Jason Sudeikis, who does a great job with Romney and Biden, is returning to SNL.
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Notre Dame announced they will leave the Big East and join the ACC for all sports except football. Anyone else wish these universities would spend as much time worrying about tuition costs and academics as they do about what conferences they play in?
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A cat crawled unseen into a family’s suitcase and actually made it alive, as checked luggage, from Columbus, OH to Orlando FL. Wonder if the airline is trying how to retro-actively charge a pet fee?
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Another liberal voice weighing in on Libya? “I don’t feel that Mr. Romney has been doing himself any favors in the past few hours. Sometimes when really bad things happen, when hot things happen, cool words or no words is the way to go.”- Columnist Peggy Noonan.
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Budweiser is donating $5,000 for every SF Giants walk off win this year. Although recently they should be donating $5,000 for every time Jeffrey Affeldt comes in in relief – they sell more beer.
Mitt Romney, saying he really isn’t anti-taxing the rich ” I can tell that you people at the high end, high income taxpayers, are going to have fewer deductions and exemptions. Those numbers are going to come down, otherwise they’d get a tax break. And I want to make sure people understand, I am not reducing taxes on high-income taxpayers.”
Leaving aside the Biden-esque length of the awkward sentence, wonder if one of the exemptions Mitt wants to reduce would be offshore accounts?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: election jokes, iPhone jokes, Janice Hough, Levi johnson baby jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 12, 2012
You can’t make this stuff up: ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, and Fox all aired moments of silence at 8:48 a.m. today. NBC? They had Kardashian mom Kris Jennner talking about her breast implants.
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GoDaddy says yesterday’s major outage “was not a ‘hack”, but rather a “series of internal network events that corrupted router data tables.” Well, that ought to make users feel confident.
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Quote found by my friend David Lombardi from USC running back Silas Redd: “You have to have a little bit of a sense of urgency going into the conference, this is where you make your money.”
Well, at least he’s honest.
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Reds manager Dusty Baker said he is concerned about Aroldis Chapman’s recent drop in velocity, down to an average of 94.4 MPH on Monday. Upon hearing this Jamie Moyer and Barry Zito just sobbed.
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According to SI.com men’s basketball co-captains Kyle Casey and Brandyn Curry were both implicated in the recent Harvard cheating scandal. Wow, first the NCAA tournament, now cheating? Guess the Crimson program has really hit the big time.
(and in the “you cannot make this ‘stuff’ up” category – thanks to Rich for telling me this – the class where Casey, Curry and over 120 other students were caught cheating? “Introduction to Congress.”)
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What East Coast bias? ESPN.com has a headline talking about the Giants’ chances in the playoffs. Oops, it’s the NY Giants. After week ONE. Never mind.
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Yikes. After swearing off Twitter in May, Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has tweeted “I am. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.” Over-under on how long before he tweets something he has to apologize for?
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Americans were all thinking positive thoughts about New York on the anniversary of September 11. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take pleasure in a Yankees loss.
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The shocking dilemma of the year in Washington, D.C. Do sports fans on a budget put deposits down for post season tickets on the Nationals or the Orioles?
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Maybe SF Giants should let Madison Bumgarner skip a start and rest his arm. In the meantime he can bat third.
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Roger Clemens said he only wants to pitch for the Astros in 2012 if he can pitch against a “contender.” So he can “knock them right out of the playoffs” And Barry Bonds is thinking – “And they thought I had a big head?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, ESPN jokes, Harvard jokes, NBC jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 11, 2012
Congrats to Andy Murray for his U.S. Open win. Might be the closest thing we get to a top American male tennis player for a while. (Hey, at least he speaks more or less the same language.)
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AP headline: “Foul smell reported across Southern California.” Insert Los Angeles Dodgers joke below:
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From my Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein: “The Dodgers always play their best baseball when they aren’t even scheduled to play. Had day off, but picked up a half game on the Giants, Cardinals, and Braves, plus widened lead on the Pirates. They should just take the rest of the season off.”
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Asked about the upcoming Missouri Senate race, Todd Akin said “I’m totally in.” But is he LEGITIMATELY in?
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A TMZ report says that Kanye West so liked Kim Kardashian’s sex tape that he “has used it in the bedroom to get him in the mood with girls… and it always worked.” And some people think that gay relationships are ruining society.
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You get the sense Fox is just not that fond of the Left Coast. The headline on their video of Sunday’s record tying field goal – “Watch David Akers’ 63-yard FG against the 49ers.
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After all the talk about the national party platforms, how about this line from the Texas GOP platform? “We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs.” Maybe Rick Perry was right about secession.
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At New York’s September 11 memorial ceremony, only families of the victims will be allowed to speak, and all elected officials will be silent. Wonder who has the job of muzzling Rudy Guiliani?
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If anyone doesn’t mind a few profanities, okay a LOT of profanities, it might be worth a few minutes to read Vikings’ punter Chris Kluwe’s full response to that idiot Maryland legislator who was upset about a Ravens player defending gay marriage.
For a small sample, the line of the piece just might be that “I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.”
(this being America, wonder who has the “lustful cockmonster” t-shirt franchise?)
http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-magically-turn-you-into-a-lustful-cockmonster-chris-kluwe-explains-gay-marriage-to-the-politician-who-is-offended-by-an-nfl-player-supporting-it?tag=chris-kluwe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Los Angeles jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 10, 2012
USC QB Matt Barkley on the NCAA sanctions: “People thought we were going to be a broken program for years and years. The institution tried to crush us, and we came out victorious.” Can’t imagine how the Trojans get their reputation for arrogance.
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Joe Biden referred to today’s GOP as “a different breed of cat.” Prompting demands for an apology from cat owners.
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Mitt Romney said in a speech today, that “I will not take God out of the name of our platform” and “I will not take God off our coins.” Shocking, with his mega-millions, Romney has ever looked at an actual coin?
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Question of the day. Is RG3 that good? Or is the Saints defense that bad?
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Shocking state of the week in college football – there are almost as many Pac 12 teams (5) as there are SEC teams (6) in the top 25.
(although in case any football fans fear this is a sign of the apocalypse , some order has been restored – Alabama and LSU are 1-2.)
Mitt Romney said this morning on “Meet the Press” that he liked and would keep some parts of Obamacare. Then later today he told the National Review his positions on repealing it hadn’t changed. Wow. I could never even change my Etch a Sketch pictures THAT fast.
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The New York Yankees are furious over a questionable game-ending call that one NY paper said could cost them the AL East. Well, that and the fact that a team with a $197 million payroll now isn’t outplaying one with a payroll of $81 million.
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Arkansas 31, Louisiana-Monroe 34, in overtime. Gosh, I hope the SEC doesn’t use this as an excuse to lower academic standards to attract better athletes.
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Paul Ryan says that Obama has “gone to great lengths to make oil and gas more expensive.” Yep, the President will stop at nothing to get re-elected.
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So wonder how long it will take Paul Ryan to accuse Barack Obama of keeping unemployment artificially high?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Romney jokes, Ryan jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 