Posted tagged ‘Janice Hough’

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Gremlins

July 14, 2011

Yes, another back to back post.  (Thanks TC for noticing.)   Blame the late post of yesterday’s items on the gremlins in Brian Wilson’s beard.

–

Open note to all baseball fans: If ANYTHING Brian Wilson does or wears shocks you, you haven’t been paying attention.

–

New York GM Sandy Alderson said that the team is not giving up by trading Francisco Rodriguez. Yep, avid Mets watchers know the season was over at least a month ago.

–

What’s with all these pledges Republican presidential candidates are signing these days, the “no-tax” pledge, the “Family Leader” pledge…? Guess the “Pledge of Allegiance” isn’t good enough anymore.

–

USA women beat France Wednesday 3-1. And a lot of those bandwagon fans who celebrated the win over Brazil, said “Wait, there was another game?”

–

According to the New York Times, an NCAA official told Auburn coach Gene Chizik that they are not done investigating the team’s football program and the recruitment of Cam Newton. So a question, when the Tigers vacate THEIR national championship, do they tear up the pictures of them at the White House with Obama?

–

‎Twenty-eight months ago Bud Selig set up a “Blue Ribbon Committee” to look into a possible Oakland A’s move to San Jose. Last night after the All-Star game he said “No decision yet, they’re still studying it.” Almost 2 1/2 years later? Who’s chairing this committee- Brett Favre?

–

From Marc Ragovin  – “So many players nowadays find excuses for not playing in the All Star game, it has become baseball’s equivalent of jury duty.”

–

–

Kentucky’s first NASCAR event last weekend turned out to be a traffic disaster. Many fans were stuck in their cars for hours and didn’t even make it to the race. GOP gubernatorial candidate David Williams referred to the gridlock as a “national embarrassment for the state.” Almost as much as Mitch McConnell?

–

Speaking of McConnell,  the Senate Minority Leader stated Wednesday in an interview about his debt ceiling strategy, that he has an “obligation” to his party not to be sucked into a “horrible position politically that would allow the president to get re-elected.” Yeah, what’s a little national default and global depression if the GOP can take back the White House?

–

Bristol Palin is now saying of her family that “we have God on our side.” Ah, that explains it – God must have encouraged her to get drunk on wine coolers just to create another little Palin.

–

Just rereading the “Family Leader” pledge for candidates. And wondering, when one of their adherents gets pregnant, do her friends throw her an ‘innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy” shower? (Yes, that is the term their pledge uses to describe children.)

And what of for, example, the “innocent fruit” of wine coolers. Do they not deserve protection too?

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

Derby time.

July 12, 2011

Open note to readers- back to back posts today because I clearly did not hit the “publish” button hard enough last night.

In any case….

So the Home Run Derby came down to Robinson Cano (Yankees), and Adrian Gonzalez (Red Sox.) New York vs. Boston. Are we sure we weren’t watching Fox’s regular Game of the Week?

–

Sarah Palin may be a hockey mom, but I’m not sure she gets other sports. When asked if she had a prediction for the Home Run Derby, she apologized but said she really hadn’t kept up on what horses were running.

–

In the MLB HomeRun Derby, Robinson Cano beat Adrian Gonzalez 12-11 to take the 2011 championship. As if we didn’t need another illustration of how good pitching can overcome no hitting, no player on the first-place San Francisco Giants has hit 12 home runs this YEAR. (Or 11, or 10 for that matter.)

–

Meanwhile, despite being voted in by the fans,  Derek Jerek now says he is completely skipping the All-Star Game and festivities due to “physical and emotional exhaustion.” Regarding the fans who wanted to see him play, I guess as a Yankee Jeter figures, “Fine, they can just watch me in the World Series.”

–

–

Construction crews plan to completely shut down several miles of the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles for more than two days this weekend. Which means during peak times, traffic will be moving at its usual speed.

–

A Jet Blue airline crew found a stun gun in a seatback pocket while cleaning a plane in Newark Monday night. The flight had originated in Boston, but made other stops during the day. In related news, TSA said they did confiscate their daily thousand or so bottled waters.

The California Assembly passed a bill to ban the “import, production, distribution or retail sale of beer and related alcoholic beverages that have caffeine added.” The reason is because these sweet drinks are particularly popular with young people. Hope no one ever tells the kids you can mix, say, Rum and Coke.

–

Newt Gingrich declined to sign the controversial 14-point “Family Leader” pledge, but would not give a reason other than it needing “across the board” changes. A Gingrich spokesman did say the marriage vow “needed to be shortened.” Yeah, as in taking out that little line about staying faithful to your spouse.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

To err is human, to forgive is divine profits?

July 7, 2011

 

 

So Nike seems to be into the concept of forgiveness and has offered Michael Vick an endorsement contract.  So when is Gatorade going to offer a similar endorsement deal to Brian Wilson?  Since he is only guilty of beating their cooler.

–

The NBA, crying financial woes during their lockout, is disputing a NY Times blog post claiming the league is “fundamentally a healthy and profitable business.” Well, with all due respect, if things were that bad why would Joe Lacob have paid $450 million for the Warriors, one of the worst franchises in the league?

–

Since the MLB precedent has been set for long names that accurately reflect a team’s situation, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to start referring to them as the “U.S. Bankruptcy Court Dodgers of Los Angeles”?

–

Eliot Spitzer, who has been trying to rebuild his reputation after the scandal, has now had his CNN prime-time show cancelled. Well, maybe Nike will offer him an endorsement deal.

–

Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley was ticketed for marijuana possesion and speeding in a Minneapolis suburb next week. He was allegedly clocked at 84 in a 65 mph zone. Maybe it’s a good thing he had the pot, otherwise Beasley might have been speeding at 100 mph.

–

Lebron James is changing his annual bike-a-thon in his hometown of Akron, Ohio to focus on education. Here’s lesson one. If you grow up to be famous and have a big decision to make in your life, don’t announce it in a prime-time special.

 

–

The 2018 Winter Olympics were awarded to Pyeongchang, South Korea. We know FIFA wasn’t involved as Qatar wasn’t even amongst the top vote-getters.

–

A pet store in New York’s Greenwich Village has adopted a “no puppies for you” policy for drunks who have been at local happy hours. If a puppy buyer stumbles in and appears inebriated, store personnel  at “Le Petite Puppy” have been instructed to have them come back the next day when they are sober.

Shame the same standard can’t be applied before they stumble home and end up with unwanted pregnancies.

–

 

–

Okay, who’s ready to join me in this pledge. And it’s okay to repost. “I solemnly swear, being of semi-sound mind at least, that I will not ever spend one nickel to buy any book or magazine or anything that puts money in Casey Anthony’s pockets.”

–

Rush Limbaugh on the Casey Anthony case, talking about liberals – “when does the death of a child bother them? If the child had died in what, two years earlier in the womb, this woman would be a star, she’d be a hero.” Got to give Rush some credit, he makes Nancy Grace seem like a reasonable human being by comparison.

 

TSA spokesman Nicholas Kimball said today that passengers flying from multiple locations may encounter different reactions from security personnel because the agency intentionally tries to be “unpredictable.” Translation, when we screw up and miss something, “unpredictable” sounds better than “oh sh*t.”

 

–

Augie says that Elton John, much as he did with rewriting “Candle in the Wind,” has answered the question of what the Queen of England should do singing her National Anthem.

Namely retitling the anthem “God Save All Queens.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 6 Comments

Happy Fourth!

July 3, 2011

In 2011, Nathan’s will add a special “women-only” division for their annual hot dog eating contest. Maybe next year if they really want to get increased media attention they could add a “supermodel” category – the winner would be the first to finish a cocktail weiner.

–

July 4th was always George W. Bush’s favorite holiday. He could always remember what day we celebrate it.

–

A young man from Serbia has won Wimbledon, a young man from Northern Ireland won the U.S. Open. U.S. sports fans have to be happy it’s almost July 4. As the hot-dog eating contest might be the only championship this summer where Americans dominate.

–

The Major League Baseball All-Star voting has been completed. And adding to American athletes’ lack of domination this summer, the number one vote-getter, Jose Batista, is a Dominican born player on a Canadian team.

–

Congratulations to Cain, Lincecum, Wilson and Vogelsong. Giants All-Stars are appropriate for the season. Great pitchers. No hitters.

–

In central New York, a man taking part in a motorcycle ride to protest helmet laws fell over the his handlebars, hit his head, and died.  While I feel sorry for his family, the guy might be the weekend’s first confirmed Darwin Award winner.

–

–

The rape case against Dominique Strauss-Kahn is falling apart, and now there apparently is support in France for the former IMF head to run for President as the Socialist candidate.  Polls show him with a significant amount of support.

So let’s see, the man is married, has a history of affairs and other “incidents,” with women, and admits to consensual oral sex with a maid.  “How do I get dual French citizenship?” asked Bill Clinton. 

–

Tacky time. The rumors about the Dominque Strauss-Kahn case are now that his accuser performed oral sex on the former IMR director, and then became upset when he wouldn’t pay her. If true, the moral of the story could be – “If you’re going to stiff the maid, don’t stiff the maid.”

–

Meanwhile, back in the U.S., four of Herman Cain’s staffers on his presidential campaign have quit. Most Americans have one of two responses to this news – 1 – “Wow, that doesn’t speak well for his chances. 2 – “Who is Herman Cain?”

–

Mitt Romney will spend the Independence Day holiday in New Hampshire.    In keeping with his political history and stances, wonder if he’ll give a “Back and Fourth of July” speech?

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

It’s a funny game.

July 2, 2011

But tonight the Mariners aren’t laughing.  Seattle lost 1-0 tonight to the San Diego Padres.  The winning run was scored by Cameron Maybin, who had gotten on base by walking  on a 3-2 count. Not a pitch out of the strike zone after a 3-2 count.  A 3-2 count. The umpire lost track of the count, and the Mariners didn’t notice..

Guess this is karmic payback for the Mariners’ win 2-1 earlier this week on a wild pitch during an intentional walk. 

–

Texas Rangers president and CEO Nolan Ryan said he would be in favor of realignment, including any plans that involve moving the Houston Astros into the American League with the Texas Rangers. 

Also in favor of that realignment, American League West teams who would get to play a number of regular season games every year against the Houston Astros.

–

Just saw Nolan Ryan’s plaque at Cooperstown.  Turns out Nolan is actually his middle name.  Ryan’s real first name?  Lynn. 

Guess that explains why he was so mean on the mound.

–

From Bill Littlejohn:  Charlie Sheen revealed that he took steroids during the filming of ‘Major League’ in 1989.So, do they rename it ‘Major League*’?
 

–

For anyone who saw Brian Wilson’s meltdown last night – (picture on yesterday’s blog post)  –  you might be pleased to know the Gatorade cooler survived.  And was back in action tonight, with several Band-Aids thoughtfully provided by one of Wilson’s Giants teammates.

–

Burger King has started opening “Whopper Bars” that serve beer as well as food. Makes a fair amount of sense; drink enough beer and you won’t notice how bad the burgers taste.

–

Not a  joke – U.S. Rep. Thaddeus McCotter (R-Mich.) announced his candidacy for president of the United States on Saturday in his home state of Michigan. 

Guess McCotter is the perfect candidate for all those who think Jon Huntsman and Herman Cain are over-exposed.

–

But really, “Thaddeus?”  Even President Obama is thinking,  “Now, that’s a funny first name.”

–

Yes folks, there may be a city more P.C. than San Francisco.  Boulder, Colorado has now decided to ban candy, starting in early 2012, from all vending machines in city facilities.

Instead, the machines will have “healther options” — like granola, Clif Bars and baked chips.  (Although just a side note, a Clif Bar, for example, averages 240-250 calories, about as many as a Kit Kat bar or a package of M & M’s peanut candies.)

–

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

Dude, where’s my rifle?

June 30, 2011

A good day for the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up department.  In Seattle, police are investigating how an assault rifle was accidentally left on the trunk of a patrol car parked downtown.

Said a police spokesman on SeattlePI.com   “We’d really like to express our gratitude to the tipper who flagged down the bike officers  (and posted a picture online) and also a separate woman who alerted the driver of the patrol car that there was an unattended rifle on the car.”

No word yet as to whether or not the rifle was loaded. Does sort of put losing cellphones and umbrellas in perspective.

–

Another day, another upset at Wimbledon. Which would be more upsetting to American sports fans if there were any Americans left to upset.

–

Charlie Sheen now says he took steroids during the filming of “Major League” to get his fastball up to 85mph. Can you imagine if Tim Wakefield took steroids? His fastball might hit 50.

 

In California, controller John Chiang cut off lawmakers’ salaries last week until they came up with a balanced budget.  And lo and behold, after months of deliberation it took about six days until the Legislature finally passed such a budget.

Hmm. Wonder if we can loan Chiang for a week or two to Washington D.C?

–

Tiger Woods has apparently signed an endorsement deal with a Japanese company to promote a heat rub. Well, guess they figure based on the stories of the past couple years, Tiger’s an expert on heat and rubs.

–

Myspace put out a press release saying they had sold themselves to a company called “Specific Media” for $35 Million. This news came as a major shock to many Americans, who didn’t realize Myspace still existed.

–

Wonder if Myspace posted the announcement of their sale on Facebook?

–

Brad Womack, the most recent “Bachelor” and his fiancee Emily Maynard have broken up. “What a shame” said about ten million women and two men.

–

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Libya’s Moammar Gaddafi could fall within two to three months, the International Criminal Court’s prosecutor said on Tuesday.Longer, if a judge approves the leader’s deal with Fox”
 
–

A Toronto newspaper, the Sun, is reporting that by the time he died, John Lennon had become a Ronald Reagan fan and Republican.  Maybe that means Lennon  wrote that famous song for his vegetarian friend Paul McCartney, and the lyric really was “All we are saying, is give peas a chance.”

–

 

–

Commie pinko time:

Current taxes on the wealthiest Americans are lower than Clinton or even Reagan. But John Boehner stated after Obama’s news conference. “The president is sorely mistaken if he believes a bill to raise the debt ceiling and raise taxes would pass the House.” I think I’m turning into a bigot; at least as far as becoming prejudiced against orange people.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

LA LA land?

June 28, 2011

The Los Angeles Dodgers declared bankruptcy today. So does this really make them “America’s Team?”

–

Frank McCourt stated that despite the bankruptcy, for the Dodgers it would be “business as usual.”  That’s what real fans are afraid of.

Picture from my friend Daniel Silveira.

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez divulged that he has been playing through a secret knee injury, which he says he suffered a week ago while pivoting. Wonder which mirror he was in front of at the time?

–

Meanwhile, on Tuesday in Wrigley Field, number 75 takes the mound for the SF Giants for the first time since April 16. Hard to believe – all that torture in the past 2 1/2 months, and Barry Zito was nowhere in sight.

–

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was convicted Monday on 17 of the 20 public corruption charges against him. Blago’s biggest mistake? Deciding to commit high-profile crimes in Illinois instead of Los Angeles.

–

A former Citigroup V.P., Gary Foster, has been arrested and charged with charged with embezzling $19 million by transferring money from various Citibank accounts to his personal account at another bank. Great. Commit financial crimes against individuals, get arrested. Commit financial crimes against an entire country, get a bail out.

–

–

Serena and Venus Williams both eliminated at Wimbledon. Who do these sisters think they are? American men?

But really, Americans are out of Wimbledon, and now off the leader board at most PGA events. Baseball may yet again be the “Great American Pastime” – it’s the only summer sport we’re still any good at.

–

Fox News’s Chris Wallace now says he “messed up” by asking Michelle Bachmann whether she’s a “flake.” Apparently the network got an angry request for an apology – from Kellogg’s.

–

Michelle Bachmann has already mixed up Lexington, MA and Lexington, NH. Today she said, “John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That’s the kind of spirit that I have, too.” Except that the John Wayne from Waterloo was serial killer John Wayne Gacy, executed in 1994 for 33 murders. Think out of all those Gingrich staffers that quit Bachmann could find a good fact-checker?

–

 

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: 6 Comments

Losers and the Lost.

June 27, 2011

An Emperor penguin is under medical care in New Zealand after somehow getting lost and swimming there all the way from its native Antarctia.  Doctors have recently ascertained that the bird, dubbed “Happy Feet,” is a male. Well, of course, a female penguin would have asked for directions.

–

Statement SF Giants fans thought they would NEVER hear this season: From Cleveland Indians manager Manny Acta said. “I felt we had the opportunity to win two of the three games at least. We were flat out overmatched at the plate.”

With all due respect, the Giants hitters these days couldn’t overmatch a team of anorexic supermodels at the place.

–

Meanwhile, in Texas – Final score Sunday – Tampa Bay 14 – Houston 10. So did the NFL schedule a secret pre-season game and not tell anyone?

–

Russian billionaire and New Jersey Nets owner Mikhail Prohkorov is now the head of a new political party, “Just Cause,” in Russia. “Just Cause,” is considered to be a Kremlin creation to give the illusion of competing with the ruling United Russia party. Well, if anyone knows about giving the illusion of competing, it’s the owner of the Nets.

–

Newt Gingrich in a Saturday speech on the legalization of gay marriage “I think we are drifting toward a terrible muddle which I think is going to be very, very difficult and painful to work our way out of.” Right, as opposed to straight marriage, where you can just very very easily dump your wife when she gets sick.

–

The Detroit Tigers retired the number of former manager Sparky Anderson, who died last year at the age of 76. Had he lived, however, Sparky might now have been considered too young and inexperienced for the Marlins job.

–

Michelle Bachman said her experience founding and running a pair of mental health clinics qualifies her for the presidency. Insert “blind leading the blind” joke here.

–

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie stated Sunday that he was “not a fan of gay marriage.”  Well, while I can’t speak for all gay men, I think it’s a pretty safe better none of them are interested in marrying him anyway.

–

The University of Kentucky has apparently agreed to a two-year extension for men’s basketball coach John Calipari, giving him a total eight more years on his contract. Wonder if there’s an opt-out if the Wildcats become the third team in a row to vacate wins for violations with Calipari in charge.

–

From Gary Morton, some news  from Seattle:  The Mariners rank 22nd on baseball’s 2011 attendance records, averaging slightly over 22,000/game. The Seattle Sounders – soccer – would rank 9th on that same list, averaging just over 36,000. It’s no surprise to Seattle fans that the Sounders have more success at the gate than their baseball peers – they score a lot more than the Mariners.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Father’s Day thoughts.

June 19, 2011

And happy Father’s day to my dad.  From who I inherited a rather twisted sense of humor.

–

 

The San Francisco Giants are allegedly thinking of issuing  a press release.  They can indeed hit water falling out of a boat. As long as the boat is not in scoring position.

–

–

The Cleveland Indians fired their hitting coach,   Jon Nunnally.  In 13 games from June 2-13, they were 7 for 75 (.093) with runners in scoring position.  This is 7 hits more that situation than the Giants have had since last Wednesday.

–

–

Jack Nicklaus said Rory McIlroy asked him for advice last year on how to finish a golf tournament?   Wonder if Jack told him “start Sunday with an eight shot lead?”

–

George W. Bush threw out the first pitch in the College World Series. The pitch of course, started in the middle and veered to the right.

–

How bad was Britney Spears’  “Femme Fatale” concert last night in San Jose?

This  from Jim Harrington of the Oakland Tribune:

“Some fans felt cheated that Britney Spears performed only three tunes during her much-ballyhooed free made-for-TV concert in March in San Francisco.

As it turns out, they were lucky.”

–

It may seem like the NBA playoffs go on forever, but at least we know the league won’t expand them a week further. Too many players are already overextended on Father’s Day.

–

And it’s hard to believe that it wasn’t too many years ago that many people were talking about changing the U.S. born requirement so that Arnold Schwarzenegger could run for President.  These days its hard to imagine Arnold getting elected again to anything. Although he could end up with the title – “Father of our Country.”

–

From Gary Morton, because it’s too soon to have a blog post without Anthony Weiner involved   (Morton says it will be his last.)  “Now that Anthony Weiner has resigned, we shall once again be a kinder, genital-er country of twits.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

A complete airline computer meltdown – Shirley you can’t be serious?

June 18, 2011

As United Airlines customers found out Friday night – they were serious.  The airline lost all its computers for six hours. Planes couldn’t take off, passengers couldn’t check in, and apparently many passengers on planes couldn’t get off.

Or as JetBlue says “Winter business as usual.”

–

At one point,  all United flights that had not taken off were grounded indefinitely. Changing the airline’s slogan from ‘It’s time to fly” to “Does anybody really know what time it is?”

–

Stay tune Monday for a new “computer maintenance ticket” fee?.

–

Bad timing award?   United Airlines’ computers are slowly coming back online after a six hour complete outage. This in the same week that the FAA authorized American Airlines to replace their pilot flight manuals with iPads.

 –

 

 –

Bristol Palin’s tell-all memoir will be published next week, following the two books written by her mother. Wonder if she will continue Sarah’s theme of complaining that the media just won’t give them any privacy?

–

Bristol, for what it’s worth, refers to the the father of her son as a  “gnat.”   So much for last year’s quote  “I believe that wherever possible, if the parents can cooperate and co-parent in a positive way, the child will benefit…. putting aside the past is in Tripp’s best interest.”

–

New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan is leading the fight against gay marriage in New York. While the Archbishop is entitled to his beliefs, wonder he wasn’t nearly so fervent in fighting to defrock pedophile priests?

–

Apparently AARP may be willing to negotiate on raising the retirement age for social security. We will know this is for sure if and when they introduce their new AARP spokesman – Brett Favre.

–

So in the aftermath of the Anthony Weiner debacle, will young couples start changing their wedding vows to say “and forsaking all others, keep thee and thy naughty tweets only unto her?”

–

Tiger-less U.S. Open update  – (What, there’s a golf tournament this weekend?)   What’s more bizarre? That 22 year old Rory McIlroy shot a U.S. Open record 11 under par for the first two rounds? Or that he did it while double-bogeying the 18th hole Friday?

–

The NCAA has announced their schedule of 35 bowl games for 2011-12, with ZERO games on January 1. Because it is a Sunday and thus games would conflict on television with NFL games if they settle the lockout. Can’t imagine how these college athletes get the idea it’s all about the money.

–

Frank and Jamie McCourt have agreed to a divorce settlement that MAY allow Frank to keep control of the Dodgers. Dodgers fans are considering a petition to urge Jamie to keep fighting.

–

A survey found that Facebook users were 43 percent more likely than other Internet users to say that “most people can be trusted.” That number would have been a lot higher except for all those women who got messages from Anthony Weiner.

 

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Rehab express:

June 12, 2011

After his confession Monday, Anthony Weiner announced Saturday that he has requested a leave of absence from Congress while he enters rehab at an undisclosed location. So congratulations to all those who had “five days” in the pool.

–

And what make Weiner decide to enter rehab?  Repairing his image, redemption, or the chance to meet and tweet Lindsay Lohan?

–

What a guy. Anthony Weiner now says that he did have online contact with a 17-year-old girl but said the communications were “neither explicit nor indecent.” Right, it was just the communications with the other dozen women that were both explicit and indecent.

–

Harold Camping, the radio preacher who predicted the end of the world last month, has been hospitalized after suffering a stroke at his Northern California home Thursday night. Apparently he is in stable condition but cannot speak. Guess even God gets to the point sometimes of saying “STFU.”

–

Reporters are pouring through tens of thousands of recently released Sarah Palin emails. Wonder how many of the fundraising ones begin “Dear friend, I am writing to you about an urgent matter of a confidential nature….”

–

Former Trojans and current Seahawk coach Pete Carroll  said that USC’s losing their 2004 was “unfortunate.” Although he added, the “most unfortunate thing … kids that were in junior high at the time, or in grade school, are paying the price for it.” Although Carroll didn’t suggest that NCAA actually punish the guilty – by say, levying serious fines on the coaches….

–

Many viewers thought that “The Bachelorette’s” William’s jokes about insecure Ashley were the most ill-conceived and embarrassing standup routine of the year. But Tracy Morgan just took care of that.

–

Most asked question these days in Washington, D.C., to iPhone customer service. “Uh, so is there a way to recall and delete texts and pictures?”

–

Marc Ragovin’s take on my joke about British royalty:

Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Prince Phillip, just turned 90, making him the second-longest serving consort of a monarch in history, right behind Stedman Graham.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Biting the dust.

June 10, 2011

Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager and many senior staff for his presidential campaign have resigned. Said Rick Tyler, the former press spokesman “The team that left had a different idea of what it would take to win.” Namely, as they probably realized, a different candidate.

–

Miami fans who celebrated upon hearing that Lebron was “taking his talents to South Beach,” may not have thought of one thing. That James might leave his talents in Florida when travelling to road games in the playoffs.

–

The U.S. State Department denied rumors that Hillary Clinton has been approached about taking over as head of the World Bank.

Well, if she did, at least the maids would be safe.

–

Terrelle Pryor says he is not interested in the Canadian Football League, and is definitely focused on the NFL supplemental draft. Makes sense, with an average CFL salary of under $100,000, Pryor would be taking a paycut from OSU.

–

Cam Newton and the rest Auburn’s national champion football team got their White House visit and photo op with the President yesterday. When the NCAA takes away the Tigers’ title in a few years, will they delete the pictures?

–

Tennessee Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt arrested for a second time in New Jersey, just a day after appearing in court for an April arrest on traffic charges. Guess Ray Lewis was right about that increase in crime if the NFL lockout didn’t get settled.

–

How offensively challenged have the World Champion San Francisco Giants been lately?  Mario Mendova, were he still active,  could bat cleanup.

–

An aide says that while it is too early to tell, Gabrielle Giffords may not be able to return to Congress because she still struggles to find words and put together sentences. Congress? Sounds she’s already recovered enough to run for President.

–

Meanwhile, Sarah Palin has said that she hopes to meet with Margaret Thatcher when she stops in London on the way to a conference in India this summer. This response from a Thatcher friend was quoted in the U.K. Guardian “Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts.’

–

And yes,  we’re not done with Weiner jokes.  (Nor will be ever be, if he doesn’t shut up…)

Anthony Weiner apparently called Bill Clinton to talk about his “situation.” No word on the conversation, although one rumored comment was “Dude, come on. At least a dress can be drycleaned.”

Augie says, has there ever been a Brat worst than Weiner?

–

Speaking of unfortunate names, there has been no scandal about him, but a candidate for leader of the Labour Party in Britain is Ed Balls.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 6 Comments

“I’ll play from either side.”

June 3, 2011

A judge in Seattle ruled today that a gay softball league can indeed limit the number of heterosexual players per team. Three men claimed their team’s 2nd place finish in the Gay Softball World Series was nullified because they are bisexual, not gay, and thus their team exceeded the limit of two non-gay players. Whatever happened to baseball’s great tradition of switch hitters?

–

Scott Cousins, who injured Buster Posey in that home plate collision, has been roundly criticized in San Francisco, and has apparently received some death threats. Not sure what Cousins can do to make it to up to Giants fans. Except maybe to go to AAA and run into Barry Zito during a rehab assignment.

–

Vancouver Canucks forward Alex Burrows will apparently not be suspended for allegedly deliberately biting Boston Bruins Patrice Bergeron’s left index finger in Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals. “Hey, a man’s got to eat,” commented Mike Tyson.

–

In Independence, Missouri, basically a suburb of Kansas City,  police responding to an alligator sighting in a suburban Kansas City pond took two shots at the creature’s head.  And then upon cautiously approaching realized it was a concrete fake.   

That’s it, these guys are permanently banned from Disney’s “Jungle Cruise.”

–

Weiner dog department:  Whatever the truth with Anthony Weiner and his tweet or nontweet, Weiner is violating the cardinal rule of publicly dealing with potentially embarrassing situations. Namely, make a statement, and then STFU about it.

–

Steve Spurrier and other coaches came up with a proposal to give 70 players a $300 stipend every game.  The proposal, whereby coaches would chip in to pay the stars, was signed by Spurrier, Alabama’s Nick Saban, Florida’s Will Muschamp, LSU’s Les Miles, Mississippi’s Houston Nutt, Mississippi State’s Dan Mullen and Tennessee’s Derek Dooley.

There are many reasons why the proposal might not be feasible – for starters, for many SEC players $300 a game would be a pay cut.

–

I actually have a little sympathy for Mitt Romney, who at least has a substantive background, running for the GOP nomination. Since there is an actual chance he could lose to Sarah Palin. Wouldn’t that be like losing on Jeopardy to Snooki?

–

Sarah Palin, channeling Lucy Van Pelt (“If you can’t be right, be wrong at the top of your voice.”, today in Boston about Paul Revere: Saying he had ridden to warn that the British were coming so that “we were going to be secure and free, and we were going to be armed.’’ Uh, Sarah, amongst other things, Paul rode in 1775, the Bill of Rights wasn’t proposed until 1789.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Student-athletes and other jokes.

May 26, 2011

 The NCAA banned three teams from postseason football  –   Idaho State, Southern and Jackson State, because of subpar APR (Academic Progress Rates) for their student athletes.   Apparently to remain eligible teams must meet certain academic standards, or belong to the SEC.

–

–

Although the NHL Thrashers sale and move to Winnipeg is not yet a done deal, apparently Atlanta mayor Kasim Reed believes that the move is inevitable. When local sports fans were asked how they felt about losing their hockey team, the number one response was “We have a hockey team?”

–

After the season, Shawn Marion of the Dallas Mavericks said he will shoot a reality TV pilot about the women he dates called “The Ladies of My Life.” Good thing Wilt Chamberlain never tried that, the series would have had to run longer than Bonanza.

–

John Edwards may be indicted for using campaign funds to help subsidize and cover up his relationship with baby mama Rielle Hunter. Well, Schwarzenegger did tell us his being independently wealthy would be an asset if he were elected Governor.

–

And another thought re Arnold, a lot of athletes actually probably felt some relief at this story.   I guess getting two women pregnant at the same time does indicate that steroid use may not cause permanent damage. 

–

President Obama received mostly good reviews on his speech today to the British Parliament. Mostly because the Brits were just thrilled to know that it was still possible to have a U.S. President who could speak English.

–

Mike Brown has agreed to be the Lakers’ new head coach. In preparation for the job, maybe the best training might be watching a DVD of “Kindergarten Cop.”

–

Whatever Tate Forcier is majoring in, I think we can surmise it’s not geography.

The former Michigan QB and San Diego native has changed his mind about transferring to Miami: “It’s completely on the other side of the country. It would have been fun. But I just wanted to be closer so my parents can afford to come to the games.” So now Forcier’s looking into USC, San Diego State, Montana, Kansas State and… Auburn?!

–

A footnote or two for tonight’s extra inning game in Philadelphia.  (19 innings)

Wilson Valdez -now and forever tied for the best winning percentage and ERA in major league pitching history.

How long was this game?  It started in late spring and by the end fans were just getting ready to boo Santa Claus.

–

I realize for some people that tuesday is the end of the world. For all of us who work standard day jobs, however, can I ask “So what was this Oprah show anyway”

–

Hard core San Jose Sharks fans still can’t believe the way that puck bounced off the stanchion last night. More casual Sharks fans are asking “What’s a stanchion?” And real bandwagon fans are asking “What’s a puck?”

–

And on a serious note, all best wishes for a speedy recovery to Buster Posey, a man who is not only a great catcher, he WAS a real student athlete-  Academic All-American at Florida State. (Yes, I know, the Harvard of the South.) But the guy is for real, also high school valedectorian.  

Shame there wasn’t a stanchion that the runner from third couldn’t have crashed into instead of Posey.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

Caught up in the rapture…

May 24, 2011

Jorge Posada, making about $13 million a year and batting .182, was upset when Yankees manager Joe Girardi dropped him to ninth in the batting order. Why did Girardi do it? Because he couldn’t bat Posada tenth.

–

The Oakland preacher who claimed the world would end May 21 appeared in his radio office today to stand by his prediction.   But he now claims he miscalculated, and the event will  actually be October 21. 

Just wondering, if he was so sure May 21 was the day, why did he pay rent for his office beyond that?

–

October 21?  So it looks like Cubs fans will be deprived yet again of a World Series title.

—

From Marc Ragovin: Well the good news is that the world didn’t end on Saturday. On the other hand, we still have New Jersey.

–

The Cincinnati Reds sent Edinson Volquez, their opening day starter, to the minors. Volquez was 3-2 with a 6.35 ERA in 10 starts. But maybe the Reds should have considered a trade; with those kind of number Volquez could be this year’s ace on the Minnesota Twins.

–

Pretty clear now that when Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be back,” what he meant was “I’ll be the back end of a horse.”

–

Willie Brown said today in the SF Chronicle, that he told Arnold Schwarzenegger last week that he hadn’t let the public down -“You did exactly what I or anybody else would have done, which is do your best to protect your family.” Uh, Willie, doing his best to protect his family would have been not getting the housekeeper pregnant at the same time as his wife in the first place.

–

–

Apparently Donald Trump said on Fox News today that he might change his mind and re-enter the Presidential race. Apparently he wants to challenge Mitt Romney for that all important “flip-floppers” vote.

–

The songwriter who wrote “You Light Up My Life” apparently committed suicide while awaiting trial on multiple rape charges. Were the charges not enough to get him a probable life sentence, prosecutors might have added an enhancement for writing such a maddening song that is still impossible to get out of your head.

–

Barbara Stuart, who played, amongst other character roles, Mrs. Rex Kramer in Airplane, has died at the age of 81. Her last words allegedly were “Down, Shep. Shep, no.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

There is no joy in the Bronx…

May 17, 2011

World Series dreams are striking out.

Six losses in a row for the Yankees. Fortunately the team has about 75 shopping days left until the trade deadline.

–

Sports Illustrated says that the Kansas City Royals have baseball’s best farm system. Except for the Yankees, who view all 29 other teams as their farm system.

–

While the team from the Bronx is grabbing headlines for their discord and lousy play, the Mets are quietly having their own bad season. Today, lots of blown chances resulting in a 2-1 loss in 11 innings. At this point the team’s best marketing slogan might be “The Yankees, with cheaper tickets.”

–

A story is making the rounds, and was even featured in the New York Times, about the Chicago Cubs possibly having thrown the 1918 World Series to the Boston Red Sox.  Well, if so, the Cubs players, who had won in 1908 and 1907 probably figured, what the heck, there’s always next year.

–

An appellate court granted the NFL owners’ request to continue their lockout, saying it believed the league has proven it “likely will suffer some degree of irreparable harm without a stay.” “Irreparable harm?” Really, as in making a few less million when team values average $1.02 billion?

–

While Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is apparently finding it challenging to learn to speak again, her response to watching her husband’s shuttle lift off today was “Good stuff, good stuff.” So she is already more articulate than half the GOP field running for President.

–

The Jeopardy answer, Giants fans, is May 3. The question is, when did San Francisco last score more than four runs in a game? (They scored 7. Against the Mets, so maybe that game should have an asterisk.)

–

Donald Trump has announced he is not running for President. I guess he wants to spend more time with his hair.

–

Actually Trump just discovered a major problem. He can’t tell Congress “You’re Fired.”

–

–

First Mike Huckabee, now Donald Trump has taken himself out of the 2012 GOP Presidential race. Writers on the Colbert Report and the Daily Show have requested immediate raises, as their jobs just got much harder.

On the other hand, the comedy gods taketh away and the comedy gods giveth. Today a spokesman said Michele Bachman would likely now run for President in 2012.

–

One thing standing in the way of Bachman’s announcement; ever mindful of the GOP primary calendar  she and her staff are looking for the perfect photo op, and they can’t figure out where the rock at which the Pilgrims landed is in Plymouth, New Hampshire.

(And yes, there IS a Plymouth, New Hampshire.)

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 10 Comments

Moving on.

May 11, 2011

 Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinch may lose his seat due to redistricting. And he says he may move to another state and run for Congress there. Why limit himself to other states? In fact, Dennis may be a better fit for Congress on another planet.

–

The San Jose Sharks, formerly up 3-0, are now going to game 7 against the  Red Wings. And in Detroit they’re playing “Don’t stop believing.” In Northern California, San Franciscans are saying “Hey, we patented that ‘torture’ line.”

–

The Sharks still have home ice for Thursday, but they are on the verge of being only the seventh NHL team ever to lose a playoff series when up 3-0. What are they trying to do, knock the Lakers off the front page?

–

–

Lufthansa is flying their new Airbus 380 from Frankfurt to San Francisco.  The double decker plane holds 526 people.  But your chances of being next to the one hysterically crying baby on board are still better than you think.

–

–

Chad Ochocinco is now going to try professional bull riding. Well, if there’s anyone who knows bull, it’s Ochocinco.

–

Good news for Washington Wizards fans – the team is changing to a classic looking red white and blue new uniform. Bad news for Wizards fans – the new uniforms will have the same old players in them.

–

The Lakers’ Andrew Bynum apologized for his flagrant foul on Mavericks’ guard J.J. Barea Sunday, saying “it looks bad” and it doesn’t “represent me.” Bynum also added “This doesn’t represent my upbringing.”

Translation, somebody got a call from his mother.

–

Amazing NBA basketball these past few days. On Monday, the Celtics and the Heat played overtime plus four quarters, the Thunder and Grizzlies played three overtime plus four quarters, and on Sunday, the Lakers  played about one quarter.

–

From Bill Littlejohn,  “May is National Zombie Awareness Month, and the Lakers certainly did their part on Sunday.”

–
 

So now the Lakers are looking for a new coach. Have they considered Arnold Schwarzengger? He may have a lot of time on his hands now, and besides, he has experience as a Kindergarten Cop.

–

Regarding the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver split: Surprised he didn’t announce it on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

–

What’s behind the Maria Shriver-Arnold Schwarzengger split? Apparently Maria agreed to “for better or worse,” but she drew the line at a potential remake of “Jingle All the Way.”

–

Rush Limbaugh is now calling torture “enhanced interrogation.” Of course, many Americans would call torture “being stuck in a car where the only radio station that works features Rush Limbaugh.”

–

In the latest poll of Republicans, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney are at the top of the GOP race with 19% and 18% respectively. Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin are next at 13% and 12%, followed by Donald Trump and Ron Paul at 8%, Michele Bachmann at 7%, and Tim Pawlenty at 5%. Unfortunately for most thinking Republicans “None of these clowns” wasn’t an option.

–

Lindsay Lohan may plead “no contest” to stealing that necklace. But even though she was on probation at the time, the actress is likely to serve no more than two weeks, which could simply be home confinement. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ special celebrity “Three strikes and we’re really, really warning you” policy.

–

Bristol Palin admits she had facial surgery and says that she “yes, it improved the way I look,” but insists it was “corrective,” and not cosmetic plastic surgery. Because she wouldn’t just do plastic surgery.  Right.  Like some rich girls used to need “deviated septum” nose surgery.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

It’s Tuesday morning….

May 10, 2011

And Generalissimo Francisco Franco, Osama bin Laden and the Lakers are still dead.

Meanwhile it looks like Phil Jackson has decided it’s time to quit.  About three quarters after his team did.

–

from Gary Morton.  “Another Lakers’ excuse  – Jason Kidd is genetically predisposed with a shooter’s touch. Also an excellent shooter, his younger brother, Billy The.”

–

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, have separated. Wonder if Arnold decided that besides that foreign-birth issue, he hadn’t had enough wives to be a serious GOP candidate for President.

–

The moving van series:  Oklahoma City Thunder against the Memphis Grizzlies. Just think, had both teams not moved this would have been the I-5 border crossing series between the Seattle Super Sonics and the Vancouver Grizzlies.

–

The Thunder-Grizzlies game four went to triple overtime, making it a real exhibition of two teams playing with heart. Said the Lakers  ‘ What’s heart?”

–

–

At least the Canucks won their second round in the playoffs, so Vancouver fans can’t blame it on something in the water, eh.

–

Archarcharch, who fractured a bone in his leg in the Kentucky Derby, will retire to stud at the age of three.  Talk about a pension plan.

–

South Korean researchers have developed a new technology that converts soundwaves into electrical energy. Which could mean someday that cellphone batteries could be charged simply by yelling at the phone. As if we don’t have enough people doing that in stores, restaurants and other public places already.

–

Tiger Woods has now been dropped to the eighth ranked golfer in the world, following Paul Casey. This came as a shock to all serious golf fans – Tiger is still in the top ten?  (My friend Steve Moyer queries – “Tiger still plays golf?”)

–

–

Can anyone imagine a U.S Airline doing this? Emirates Airlines issued this statement “In line with the recent decrease in fuel prices, Emirates has removed the fuel surcharge on all tickets. We promised our customers from the outset that we would eliminate the surcharge as soon as it was commercially viable, and this has now been done. We continue to closely monitor the situation.”

–

So after signing a book deal, and apparently having plastic surgery, Bristol Palin will now star in a new reality show when she and her son Trippi move in with fellow DWTS star Kyle Massey and his brother. Yes, just another chapter in Bristol’s ongoing campaign to show young women how pre-marital sex will ruin their lives.

–

Congratulations to all those who had “one week” in the pool. Some right-wing bloggers came out Monday with a story it if were up to the President, Osama Bin Laden would still be alive. Because Obama really didn’t authorize the raid on Bin Laden’s headquarters and that it was really a coup by Hillary Clinton, Robert Gates and Leon Panetta…..  Sigh.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Happy Mother’s Day!

May 8, 2011

Shouldn’t Mother’s Day be sponsored by the NBA? After all, the league is responsible for creating so many of them.

–

Justin Verlander, who just threw his second no-hitter, is only 28 years old. What’s he going to be like when he REALLY learns how to pitch?

(My friend Tony Alan Banks responds “A Yankee.”)

–

College and NBA basketball are a different world these days.  A couple factoids about league MVP Derrick Rose:

1.  If he had stayed in school, he’d have been a college senior at Memphis this year.

2. Although actually maybe he couldn’t have stayed in school, because an NCAA investigation determined someone took his SAT test for him. (And this was after some of his high school grades were changed after the fact.)

–

Home videos show that Osama bin Laden enjoyed watching television, and recently dyed his beard black in order to appear more menacing.  Apparently he got the the idea during the 2010 World Series.

–

Some analysts say gas prices will fall by nearly 50 cents as early as June. And major airlines say they will lower their fuel surcharges as early as hell freezing over.

–

Speaking of hell freezing over, a bill to end $6 billion in ethanol subsidies has been co-sponsored in the Senate by California’s Dianne Feinstein and Oklahoma’s Tom Coburn?! Politics does indeed make very strange bedfellows. (Metaphorically speaking in this case.)

–

Okay, can you name an athlete who still holds a speed record almost forty years after the fact? I know only one: Secretariat. 1973 Kentucky Derby – 1 minute, 59 and 2/5 seconds.

–

Rosie Napravnik, riding Pants on Fire, failed in her attempt to become the first female jockey to win the Kentucky Derby. Surprised no woman has won before. It’s only a mile and a quarter. There’s no need to stop and ask for directions.

–

The NCAA has announced they are looking into over 50 car sales to Ohio State student-athletes, to see if those sales met NCAA rules. 

Meanwhile, as part of his punishment for not turning his players in for receiving illegal benefits, Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel will attend a five-day compliance seminar in June in Tampa, Fla.. One of the seminar topics is “Division I Major Infractions.”

Attend the seminar?  Tressel could teach it.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

Tweets and twitts.

May 3, 2011

Osama bin Laden’s last tweet? “Winning.”

What was more unlikely? The U.S finally getting Bin Laden? Or Kobe missing an open potential game-winning three-point shot?

–

There was almost a “24” quality about this military action that killed Bin Laden. In fact, rumor has it that a line cut from Obama’s speech was “The mission took place between 1:00am and 2:00am.”

–

A little perspective for a change. Just for one day at least, people in Cleveland have remembered there was a man they hated more than Lebron James.

–

What a week. The stock market hits a three year high, Hawaii releases a long-form birth certificate, and the U.S. gets Bin Laden. Fox News is considering dedicating this week to a 24/7 recap of the Royal Wedding.

–

Since he had already authorized the attack on Bin Laden, how did the President deliver this joke Saturday night with a straight face?

Talking about an episode of Celebrity Apprentice, Obama said to Donald Trump – “You didn’t blame Lil’ Jon or Meatloaf. You fired Gary Busey. And these are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night. Well handled sir. Well handled.”

–

Apparently the attack on bin Laden’s compound was originally scheduled for Saturday, but delayed due to bad weather. So not only did President Obama show off his comic timing at the White House Correspondent’s dinner, Barack also showed he would be great on “I’ve Got a Secret.”

–

It’s after midnight in Washington,  D.C.  And both Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Osama bin Laden are still dead.

–

The rumors that Sacramento would lose their NBA team turned out to be greatly exaggerated. Who’d a thunk the Kings would last longer than Osama bin Laden?

–

from Marc Ragovin:  Did you hear how loudly the Phildadelphia fans cheered word of Bin Laden’s death? For a minute there they must have thought he was Santa Claus.

–

Ohio State already has several players and coach Jim Tressel, suspended for five games over the selling memorabilia scandal. Now the school has announced that linebacker Dorian Bell has been suspended for the entire 2011 season for a violation of team rules. This came as a shock to Buckeyes fans – OSU has team rules?

–

To be fair, Donald Trump did make a gracious statement today – “I want to personally congratulate President Obama and the men and women of the Armed Forces for a job well done. We should spend the next several days not debating party politics, but in remembrance of those who lost their lives on 9/11 and those currently fighting for our freedom.”

Possible translation “I can’t figure out how to take credit for this one.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »