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A stand-up president.

May 1, 2011

 President Obama told a number of self-deprecating jokes at the White House Correspondents dinner, including about his much-maligned use of a teleprompter. Although let’s be real, if Fox News covered George W. Bush using a teleprompter it would be to praise the President’s excellent reading skills.

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The Correspondents dinner is one of the best-attended media events in Washington. Why, there were probably reporters there from over 100 publications Sarah Palin’s never read.

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Text message tonight from Donald Trump to his staff – “find something to investigate about that little sh*t Seth Myers.” (Note to the Donald, at least try to fake being able to be the butt of jokes.)

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American Airlines is bringing back Happy Hour in May, with discounted alcoholic beverages for flights departing between 5p and 559p. American says the promotion has been a success in the past, both last December for passengers and earlier this year when they offered it to pilots.

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For casual baseball fans, if you’ve ever wondered what the term “effectively wild” meant, I give you these stats from today’s SF Giants 2-1 win over the Washington Nationals. Jonathan Sanchez walked or hit 7 of the first 10 batters he faced, Brian Wilson loaded the bases on two walks and a hit batter before ending the game on a strikeout.

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And San Francisco won the game on a bases loaded walk. These days that’s a Giants offensive explosion.

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Jim Harbaugh today on Alex Smith, the beleaguered quarterback he inherited as coach of the 49ers.“I strongly feel that Alex is going to be back here.” Guess Harbaugh really wants Andrew Luck with next year’s #1 draft pick.

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Another post-wedding thought: Katherine Middleton’s genes will help. But the British coinage and stamps will also all be more attractive some day because Charles waited to marry Camilla until AFTER he had children.

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And the wedding apparently cost about $82 million. For the boost to the British economy, in terms of tourism and all the crap, er, high class souvenirs, they are selling, this isn’t a bad deal. Much more effective use of money than invading other countries, IMHO.

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Trump card?

April 28, 2011

 Donald Trump says “I am so proud of myself” for “forcing” Obama to release his birth certificate. So this is what we would have to look forward too with a Trump presidency? Spending a fortune to do something completely unnecessary while ignoring important issues? (Actually sounds like Reagan’s “invasion” of Grenada.)

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And really.  My stock response for years now on the Obama birth question. Okay, if you REALLY think there was a conspiracy and his birth certificate was faked, don’t you think the Clinton machne wouldn’t have unearthed it during the primary?

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Meanwhile, what happened to Trump’s claim that his investigators were “turning up interesting things?” Maybe that meant they have absolutely found the best Mai Tai in Honolulu?

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But now  that Obama has released his birth certificate,  will Trump really follow through and release his tax records. Or will the Democrats hold out for him releasing receipts from his hairdresser?

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Since the birth certificate thing didn’t work out, now Trump is suggesting Obama was a “terrible student, terrible,” and asked “How does a bad student go to Columbia and then to Harvard?” “Oh, STFU,” responded George W. Bush.

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At this point you almost have to wonder, is Donald Trump part of some perverse scheme to ensure the re-election of President Obama.  By assuring that no sane person will vote for the GOP candidate in 2012?

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That Obama birth certificate is really frustrating for a lot of conservatives. Now they need to come up with a new code phrase to say “It’s because he’s black.”

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Open note to all birthers. Fine, we admit it, President Obama was not born in the U.S. Barack was actually placed in a space capsule as a baby by his father Jor-el and sent to earth just before his home planet exploded.

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from my friend Alex Schubert:  A new survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don’t have relationships at all.

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And back to sports: The New York Mets are apparently $625 MILLION in the hole. Wow, that’s almost as much as the receipts from a sellout at Yankee Stadium.

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Former badboy Ron Artest was just named the winner of this year’s J . Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award, presented by the Professional Basketball Writers Association for outstanding service and dedication to the community. Artest will receive the actual award as soon as the writers can locate enough flying pigs for the ceremony.

 

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Happy Earth Day.

April 22, 2011

Millions of Americans are saying they will not drive their cars to celebrate Earth Day. Well, it sounds better than saying they can’t afford gas.

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And in Cleveland, many will celebrate Earth Day by burying Lebron James jerseys six feet under.

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A data center run by Amazon.com crashed Thursday, causing problems not only at Amazon, but many websites and Internet services like Foursquare, Hootsuite (a Twitter dashboard) and Reddit which rely on AWS (Amazon Web Services.) It was awful, many Americans actually had no alternative but to do their work.

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Okay, I must have missed something. Where in the rules for the playoff series between the Sharks and the Kings was the line that said goalies should take the second period off?

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Mike Leake, arrested for shoplifting Monday, nonetheless started and got the win for the Reds Thursday afternoon. If this keeps up Leake could end up being the best sticky-fingered pitcher since Gaylord Perry.

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Bud Selig has announced that MLB playoffs will probably expand from eight to ten teams in 2012. The only holdup for now, trying to figure out how to guarantee that those ten teams will always include the Red Sox and Yankees.

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Meghan McCain interviewed Donald Trump, who told her “I like you and I like your father, I’ll tell you. And I like your mother. I like your whole family.” Well, makes sense that the Donald would like Meghan. She’s about the right age to be his next wife.

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I am not generally a fan of country music, and I am never a fan of the Dodgers. But still, it’s cool that American Idol contestant Scotty McCreery, 17, a North Carolina native, was thrilled and impressed to meet Tommy Lasorda.

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Kinder Eggs, a popular European chocolate egg that contains a toy inside,  have been banned from importation into the United States,” and can be confiscated by Customs.

The reason, because they contain an embedded “non-nutritive object.”  Uh, doesn’t that describe most fillings at Taco Bell.

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Yet another candidate has announced for the GOP presidential nomination – former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson. Johnson, who leans libertarian, supports gay marriage, abortion rights and legalizing marijuana. He also wants to slash 90 percent of the defense budget. This could be becoming a primary debate I’d pay to watch.

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Trumped?

April 19, 2011

Donald Trump said recently he has “good relationships with the blacks.” Amazing that he didn’t add “Some of my best friends are black.”

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And what exactly did that sentence mean?  Is he talking about Knicks season tickets?

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Can hardly wait to hear what Trump says about Latinos.

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Trump also says he could tell OPEC to lower crude oil prices, insisting that prices “will go down if you say it properly.”    And he says Obama lives in a world of make-believe?

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A former Sarah Palin aide will release his tell-all book “Blind Allegiance” in May. Author Frank Bailey is not, however, worried about being sued. To sue him Sarah would actually have to read it.

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‎ “Western New England College”, with 3700 students,  has announced they will become “Western New England University” on July 1. The institution immediately received calls from several SEC schools hoping to play them in football.

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Glenn Beck announced that he has sold his Connecticut mansion and will be leaving the New York City area. For many New Yorkers, this almost makes up for the Mets.

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Reds’ pitcher Mike Leake was arrested in Cincinnati (for shoplifting.) No word on if manager Dusty Baker will suspend him, but in related news Leake was just declared an honorary Bengal.

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And on the brighter side for Leake, he’s already had some interest in a date from both Winona Ryder and Lindsay Lohan.

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The alleged shoplifting was for six shirts, totaling less than $60 at Macy’s.  At least Leake wasn’t shopping at Neiman Marcus, where six shirts would easily total up to grand larceny.

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Out-of-state students at the University of California pay more than $23,000 more a year than in-state students. And this year 18 % of admitted freshmen are from out of state. Wonder how long it will take the tea-partiers to suggest the schools need to stop accepting kids from California.

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An air traffic controller was suspended for watching a movie on his DVD player while on duty, the crime thriller “Cleaner.” In his defense, the controller said he was just trying to stay awake.
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Today is “Patriot’s Day,” a holiday observed in Massachusetts and Maine to mark the anniversary of the battles of Lexington and Concord in 1775. Meanwhile, Michele Bachman allegedly tried to celebrate the event in New Hampshire.
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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer on Monday vetoed a bill that would have required President Barack Obama and other presidential candidates to prove their U.S. citizenship before their names could appear on the state’s ballot.
So yes, that answers a question many have asked  – is there anything that’s too crazy for Arizona?
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And guess her veto means Brewer has no interest in running on a ticket in 2012 with Donald Trump.
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Augie’s comment on Nicholas Cage, Charlie Sheen and Ann Coulter teaming up for a movie version of “Two and a Half Men”  –  “Who’s the half man?”
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You think just maybe the Miami Heat watched the Spurs-Grizzlies and Lakers-Hornets games yesterday? Or at least saw the scores?

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It’s Monday and already it’s a long week.

April 12, 2011

The World Champion San Francisco Giants have really been struggling on defense for the first ten games of the season. Maybe the team should leave their World Series rings off when they take the field?

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Latest redundancy: Struggling New York Mets bullpen.

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Poor Rory McIlroy – on the brink of his first major championship, he inexplicably just couldn’t put the ball where he wanted it. On a brighter note,   Rory has been offered an honorary degree from Butler.

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from Marc Ragovin:  “I’m not saying that Rory McIlroy is young, but he looks like he should be playing with Chevy Chase and Ted Knight.”

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The NFLPA has suggested that players may not want to attend the NFL draft ceremony to show solidarity with locked out veterans. Cam Newton, however, has announced he will be there. Can’t imagine how Cam got a reputation for being a selfish egoist.

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CNN says this is “breaking news.” – Mitt Romney says he formed an exploratory committee as a first step in a potential run for GOP presidential nomination. With all due respect, when has Mitt ever stopped running?

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Go figure, the Mormon is the only serious male candidate in the race who’s only had one wife.

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The Marlins look more than respectable this year, the Rays look woeful, but the real headline sports story opening week in Florida? A quarterback controversy after the Gators’ spring scrimmage in Gainesville. (That lousy attendance for both teams isn’t just their stadiums.)

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Two former University of San Diego basketball players and an assistant coach are amongst nine people who  have been indicted for allegedly taking a bribe to influence the outcome of a game against UC Riverside. What’s most shocking? People actually bet on a game between USD and UC Riverside?!

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Open question to Tea Party members: So if we are going to slash spending, which foods should the FDA and USDA stop inspecting and regulating? Meat, fruit, vegetables? All of them? Should we just put all producers and growers on the honor system?

And while we’re at it, slash the FAA inspection budget too. It’s not like planes are falling apart in the sky or running into each other on the ground…… Oops, never mind.

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53 to 41.

April 5, 2011

Connecticut may be getting the congratulatory phone call from President Obama.   But the way Butler was shooting, they should be getting a call from Dick Cheney.

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Butler’s performance might have been the worst ever in a national championship game. Fortunately, UConn’s was only the second worst.

Good thing this final NCAA game started at about 930p Eastern time; impressionable children should not be have been watching.

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This could have been the first NCAA men’s basketball championship decided by penalty kicks.

 

In fact, at some points things got so bad sports fans were watching recorded World Cup highlights, just to see some scoring.

 

 

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After this game,  Butler coach Brad Stevens had to be thinking “I need a stiff drink.”    Too bad he’s not old enough to legally buy one.

Stanford women have to wish they played UConn or Butler men instead of Texas A & M last night…

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How bad was the show?  Kept expecting to watch James Franco take over the announcing.

Hard to believe after about a month of excitement and drama, that after tonight’s  UConn-Butler game, men’s college basketball will be done until next fall. But fans of amateur talent will still have the Cavaliers and the Wizards.

From Michael Duca,  “My son points out something the California Golden Bears can be proud of: they were one of only two football teams to hold the University of Oregon to fewer points than Butler scored tonight!”

Coach Shaka Smart has turned down a job offer from N.C. State and signed an eight-year contract to stay with the Rams. Well, if nothing else, based on results, VCU has a better basketball program..

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Back to baseball:    The  Baltimore Orioles are 4-0? So for right now that’s “O”s as in “OMG.

Well, maybe they’re not quite as up-to-the-minute as they think: Just heard this driving home on the radio – “Stay tuned to KNBR for all the latest Giants’ news from spring training.”

Some comments don’t even need a punchline. According to CNN, the owner of the Gulf of Mexico oil rig that exploded last year, killing 11 workers and leading to what has been called the worst oil spill ever, said Monday that calling 2010 its “best year” in safety “may have been insensitive.”

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Eliminations.

March 30, 2011

Stanford women heading to the Final Four in Indianapolis.  Along now  with Texas A & M, Connecticut and Notre Dame.  Shocking results compared to the mens’ bracket.   Two number one seats, and two number twos.  And not an arrest or academic suspension between them.

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The smuggest person in America today? Whoever it was on the NCAA selection committee who lobbied to have VCU included for one of those play-in spots.

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Meanwhile, up in Canada, the government is auctioning off ladies thongs. (Apparently a lot of stolen property recovered from an Ottawa lingerie shop after insurance had already paid off the owners.) 

Hey, it worked for the San Francisco Giants, maybe the Blue Jays should put in a bid.

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The Fiesta Bowl fired their longtime CEO John Junker today. An internal report found all sorts of financial irregularities, and “an apparent scheme” to reimburse employees for political contributions plus “an apparent conspiracy” to cover it up. A BCS executive is less than straightforward and honorable? I’m shocked, shocked.

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Cleveland Cavaliers 102, Miami Heat 90. This might be the most embarrassing sports story of the day not involving shrunken testicles.

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Jalen Rose has been arrested for an alleged DUI in Michigan. Which means the former Fab Five star may now wish he hadn’t gone out of his way, especially if he wants a black lawyer, to have alienated anyone who was educated at Duke and other “elite” colleges..

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Radio host Mike Catherwood is the first celebrity voted off the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.”   Which provoked a surprised response from most Americans:  – “Who the heck is Mike Catherwood?”

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Abercrombie and Fitch has apparently been trying to sell a padded bra for seven-year old girls. I hate to think what padded thing they are thinking of for seven-year old boys.

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Apparently California Republicans are worried about a measure that would move the state’s presidential primary from February to June. It’s partly that they think the race would be over by then, and partly because even our GOP can’t stand the thought of listening to some of these loonies for four more months.

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Sarah Palin says “Gaddafi’s gotta go, killing or capturing,” because he’s going to attack the U.S. 

Sarah, Sarah…. Gaddafi can’t even see the U.S. from his house.

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Okay, I concede that almost everyone connected with the Bonds trial (including Barry) is sleazy. But I really wish they would call Bud Selig to the stands and ask him under oath what he thought was going on with all those suddenly amazing home run hitters?

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Rick Santorum now says the Social Security system would be in much better shape if there were fewer abortions, because then we would have more people alive to work and pay into the system. Right. Stand by for his next speech when Santorum discovers the concept of welfare.

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Outside the lines:

March 10, 2011

Baylor’s freshman star basketball player Perry Jones was declared ineligible because his mother got (and repaid) three, 15-day loans from an AAU coach when Jones was in high school. So, see, the NCAA can actually enforce their own rules. As long as the team involved is not in the Top 25 or the SEC. (And isn’t the USC Trojans.)

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Stanford’s mens basketball team was bounced from the Pac 10 tournament tonight, 69-67 by Oregon State. At one point in the first half the Cardinal was 3 for 30 from the field. With that kind of shooting skill I presume they got a half time congratulatory call from Dick Cheney.

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Internships.com said Wednesday that 74,040 people have applied to Sheen’s internship position since he posted it Monday. No doubt about 74,039 already are fantasizing about the money they will make from the tell-all book they will write afterwards.

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Lebron James was quoted as saying after Miami’s latest loss “Crazy thing is, we could lose every game and still make the playoffs in the Eastern Conference.” So is that the Heat’s secret plan?

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Illinois has abolished the death penalty. Apparently they feel that just sentencing inmates to life without parole and watching Cubs games is punishment enough.

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Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Zack Greinke will probably begin the season on the disabled list after breaking a rib in a collision going for the ball a pickup basketball game. We all know white men can’t jump. Sounds like they shouldn’t try to rebound either.

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A Missouri high school teacher lost her job after it was discovered she was a porn star over two decades ago.  Yeah, with a scandalous past how was she thinking that she could get away with being a teacher?  Run for office on a GOP family values platform maybe.

Speaking of which, Newt Gingrich is now partly blaming the fact that he cheated on both of his first two wives, (and divorced them when they had cancer and MS respectively)  because he loved his country too much.

 “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

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Kind of makes you wonder what would happen with that “passionate” caring  if Newt had a really stressful job, like being President?

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 To paraphrase Madame Alvarez in the movie “Gigi” – this might be the LEAST “charming and endearing excuse for infidelity I have ever heard”

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Snow place like home.

February 24, 2011

Nonstop headlines and breaking news updates from all the Bay Area media: “San Francisco could get as much as an inch of snow this weekend!” Yeah, this ought to do wonders for our reputation as wimps on the East Coast.

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Sarah Palin is traveling to India in March. She says she’s especially interested in meeting the Indian people and hopes someone will invite her  to visit their teepee.

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The NFL owners and players are still meeting to avert a possible lockout, although no progress has yet been reported, and the players’ group left the talks early today. Which means they missed the catered roasted goose with golden eggs dinner.

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The NFL negotiations have been going on in earnest for seven days.  Okay, I’m not a biblical scholar, but didn’t God create the world in less?

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Tiger Woods was eliminated of the first round of a match play tournament today. Looks like the much vaunted “comeback” is a continuing  “come back to earth.”

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Okay, that was a really nice dunk that Blake Griffin did at the NBA All-Star competition over the car. Now a question – What’s the over-under on cars taken to body shops in the next month with hood damage. (Especially by parents of teenage boys.)

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More about that Caltech basketball win, 46-45 over Occidental. Their last conference win was 26 YEARS ago. The school has won nine Nobel prizes since then….

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Harry Reid says he thinks Nevada should end legal prostitution. This is not exactly what the citizens of the state want to hear from their government- at least prostitutes provide value when you pay to get screwed.

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President Obama has ordered his lawyers to stop defending a federal law that bans recognition of same-sex marriage. So where are all the conservatives applauding Obama’s initiative in reducing government intrusion into our lives?

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Pat Boone spoke at CPAC (the Conservative Political Action Conference), saying that Hollywood is not all “lefties.” He described himself as an “embedded conservative in La-La Land.” Pat Boone is still in Hollywood?  Really?  Wonder what Starbucks he works at these days?

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From T.C.  And only in LA moment: . Kia supplied the car that Blake Griffin used as a prop in the NBA AllStar weekend Slam Dunk contest. They weren’t too happy when the car was returned and the hubcaps were missing.

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Snow place like home…

February 1, 2011

Once again, some airlines are pre-emptively cancelling flights today because snow MIGHT cause delays at the airport.  (While other carriers are still -operating flights between the same cities at the same time.)

This will nonetheless cost these airlines some big bucks. Which will likely mean only one thing – stay tuned for “weather fees.”

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The King’s Speech is now the front-runner for Best Picture. And it seems to resonate with Americans. Of course, we know all too well that when someone ends up in charge just because they are their father’s son, it’s easy to end up with an inarticulate leader.

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British tennis fans are really unhappy after Andy Murray’s loss at the Australian Open to Novak Djokovic.  The match had been considered a a great chance for the country’s first male Grand Slam event win in 75 years.

75 years of misery?!.  “Wimps,”  responded Cubs fans.

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Yet another storm is expected to close New York airports for much of the remainder of the week and potentially into the weekend. Wonder how the NFL feels these days about the decision to put the 2014 Super Bowl in the Meadowlands.

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Chicago O’Hare airport may also be closed for a while. Well at least Bears and Jets fans have no need to fly to Dallas.

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As far as I can tell, this year’s version of “the Bachelor” seems to be about nonstop crying. Are we sure John Boehner isn’t somehow involved?

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Sarah Palin says she is now happy about the media proposing to boycott her, because this way it will “keep me from being blamed for Egypt.” Actually, Sarah, most of the media is laying odds as to whether or not you could find Egypt on a map.

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At the Safari Club International Convention in Nevada, Sarah Palin warned gun owners to “keep tabs on the White House,” and “just think if we had stricter gun control laws.” Yes, I’m thinking about it, and we’d have six people still alive in Arizona, for starters.

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Well, Jay Leno hasn’t “friended” me. But he did use this joke, which I posted on Facebook and on my blog Dec 28, almost word for word tonight: The Chilean miners are all heading to Disney World on an expense-paid trip that Disney has donated. So these men survived over two months being trapped underground; now comes the real test, how will they do on a few back-to-back rides on “It’s a Small World?”

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Big Ten and out?

January 2, 2011

 Lebron James says he doesn’t know yet if he will participate in the NBA’s All Star Game slam dunk contest. I guess he’s waiting for ESPN to offer him at least a half hour time-slot to announce his decision.

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The only good news for the Big 10 on New Year’s Day? None of their teams qualified for the Fiesta Bowl.

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Forget “Leaders” and “Legends” for the two new Big 10 divisions.  After today more appropriate names might be “Bad” and “Worse.”

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Fortunately for Big Ten fans there are no more bowl games this year except for Arkansas-OSU on Tuesday. In the meantime, however, true connoisseurs of really bad meaningful football games can tune into the Rams-Seahawks on Sunday.

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But really, is there something in the Big Ten football charter that says there’s something wrong with actually showing up on New Year’s Day? (My friend Jerry Perisho is beginning to wonder if these teams are playing their junior varsity?)

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That music you hear coming from the sky today at the Gator Bowl in Jacksonville is Don Meredith singing to Rich Rodriguez, “turn out the lights, the party’s over.”

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Although in the Rose Bowl, TCU was completely unable to stop the Wisconsin running game in the past few minutes. So the Badgers were able to march down the field and score a touchdown to pull within 21-19.  And for the two-point conversion, the Badgers THREW THE BALL?  (incomplete)

Somewhere Woody Hayes is pinwheeling in his grave.

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Since Times Square officials nixed her planned ball drop, Snooki from “Jersey Shore” celebrated New Year’s Eve by being dropped in a ball in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Apparently this was made possible by Snooki’s local fame, the cooperation of local officials, and the fact New Jersey has no real littering laws.

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Newly hired head coach Mike Haywood has been fired from the University of Pittsburgh job, after he was arrested and charged with domestic violence.

Guess his tenure will go down in history along with the George O’Leary era at Notre Dame.

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According to Entertainment Weekly, 20th Century Fox has vetoed a proposed script for the planned “24” movie. But Kiefer Sutherland is still hoping to work things out with prospective producers. The meeting would take place between 1:00 and 2:00pm.

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Apparently Jon Huntsman, Obama’s ambassador to China and the former Governor of Utah, is considering a run for president in 2012. Since Mitt Rommey has already basically declared, political junkies can look forward to a rare but potentially amusing occurence – Mormon smackdown.

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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is all about cost-cutting and reducing government spending. So what happens when his state gets covered in snow? When he gets back from a family trip to Disney World Christie asks for money from FEMA to help cover storm cleanup costs.

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The streak is dead, long live the streak.

December 31, 2010

Stanford women’s basketball winning streak – three.   UConn – zero.

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Stanford 71 – UConn 59. Washington 19 – Nebraska 7. Looks like a lot of people Thursday night bet on the wrong Huskies. 

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But kudos to both teams on this one….  Watching Stanford-UConn women’s basketball game. Two of the best basketball programs in the country….and no starter on either team has been arrested or suspended for academic reasons. What a concept

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Ohio State coach Jim Tressel said he would have have taken his five suspended players to the Sugar Bowl if they had not pledged to return in 2011. And why should the coach doubt their word? If any of the players, including QB Terrelle Pryor, decide to declare for the draft, Tressel can always suspend them.

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Ohio State tops the nation in spending on their collegiate football program, spending $31.7 million this year alone. Yeah, can’t imagine how those five suspended Buckeye players could have gotten the idea that the game was all about money….

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The fine for Brett Favre over the Jenn Sterger sexting allegations: $50,000. The fine for the Jets for their coach’s misbehavior in the Dolphins game: $100,000. Translation, if you’re thinking of doing something naughty on the sideline, don’t trip someone, send them dirty pictures, it’s cheaper.

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ESPN announcers are saying what a great job North Carolina Coach Butch Davis has done because he had 35 players lost for at least part of the season due to suspension or injury, and 14 players lost to “NCAA allegations.” Well, I am not sure “great job” is the phrase I would use but Davis is certainly running an NFL ready program.

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How bad was New York City’s response to the latest blizzard? Rumor has it that former President George W. Bush called up the mayor to say “Bloomie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

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The storm was bad, the city’s response may have been worse. In fact, this may go down as the least effective attempt to clean up a mess in New York since the Mets hired Jerry Manuel.

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Fans of Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” will now be able to purchase a two-disc set that includes all seven episodes of the show. For some reason, however, the discs stop playing after episode four.

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Augie wonders, why did the NFL spend all that money on a forensic specialist to verify if the pictures were indeed of Brett Favre’s junk?  They could have just asked his wife.

(Of course, it’s possible Brett was so focused on his extra-curricular activities, Deanna doesn’t remember.)

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Don’t ask….

December 1, 2010

 According to a Pentagon report, most U.S. troops don’t mind the idea of gays and lesbians serving in the military. The strongest pockets of resistance, however, come from the Marines. I guess they’re looking for “a few good men,” but not any fabulous ones.

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Actually, since the Marines are the branch of the U.S. Military that seem happiest with the current “stay in the closet” strategy,  maybe Tom Cruise was right in that movie when he told Jack Nicholson, “You can’t can’t handle the truth.”

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Meanwhile, in the NBA, the Lakers have lost three games in a row.  But hey, it’s the November and the beginning of the season – which means the team’s response to this “slump”  – “Don’t ask, don’t care.”

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Quarterback Derek Anderson of the Arizona Cardinals went on a profanity-laced tirarde during a post-game news conference last night. He was almost as upset as many of the fans who were looking forward all week to the MNF game, and then discovered it was 49ers-Cardinals.

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Some NFL teams are starting to send out season ticket renewal notices, but the league has announced that in case of a lockout, unplayed game tickets will be fully refunded. After Monday night’s game, fans in Arizona are now praying for a lockout.

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Sports Illustrated has selected Drew Brees as their Sportsman of the Year, for his performance on and off the field in New Orleans. Would be interesting to see who would be their “Bad Sportsman of the Year.” (I know who they’d pick in Cleveland..) But any suggestions?  Please feel free to add in comments.

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So the Giants signed Miguel Tejada to a one-year $6.5 million deal. Tejada batted .269 with 15 home runs, 26 doubles and 71 RBIs betwees two clubs in 2010. Guess S.F. decided he was a better value than a shortstop who batted .270 with 10 home runs, 30 doubles, and 67 RBIs in 2010 – Derek Jeter.

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An Alabama P.A announcer was fired for playing “Take the Money and Run” when Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers played the Crimson Tide last weekend.

On the brighter side, the announcer has been offered a job in Cleveland when Lebron James and the Heat play the Cavs on Thursday.

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Actually, while it’s not great sportsmanship, there’s a lot of potential for songs when certain teams or stars show come to town.  For example, how about these suggestions for any game that Brett Favre is the visiting quarterback – “Yesterday.”, or Julian Lennon’s “Just Too Late for Goodbyes.”

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And for that matter, what about the new potential TSA theme song – “The Way That I Want to Touch You.”

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So TCU (situated in Fort Worth,)  will now be in the Big East.  This means that along with schools such as Rutgers and Connecticut, the conference will cover Texas, Kentucky (Louisville) and Florida (University of South Florida.). 

What’s next, a school from Eastern Washington or California?

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Don’t ask…

November 13, 2010
 (and don’t ask why the font is messed up tonight,  I think it’s gremlins.)
 
Anyway…
 
Cindy McCain has come out publicly in a video supporting gays’ right to serve in the U.S. Armed Forces, while her husband leads the Senate fight to maintain the status quo. Guessing that “What did you do today, honey?” conversations at the dinner table have given way to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”–

This weekend, Americans looking for escapist entertainment can watch a runaway train hurtling straight for disaster. And after the Cowboys game against the Giants, there’s also the movie “Unstoppable.”

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Jerry Jones stated that while he hopes interim coach Jason Garrett does well enough to earn a permanent position with the Cowboys, he had “Super Bowl-winning coaches solicit this job.” Really? I thought it was only NFL players, not sideline staff, who were getting those damaging concussions.

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Brett Favre said the 2011 is definitely his last. Right, and the newly elected Congress will definitely cut spending.

(and the Cowboys are going to the Super Bowl and the 49ers are going to the playoffs, etc…)

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Carnival Cruise Lines may have offer some big discounts next week to entice travelers who might have been scared off by this week’s events. Once they figure out what to title the promotion. Already vetoed – “Fire sale.”

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Former President Clinton gave up a thumbs up review to George W. Bush’s memoir “Decision Points,” and says everyone should read it. Of course Bill figures then that Americans will miss him more than ever.

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The Miami Heat, despite the presence of Lebron James and his friends Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, are only 5-4, which puts them on track to be one of the most over-hyped and over-rated teams of all time. Now all they need is to change their uniform to include pinstripes.

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Okay women friends and readers, how do you like this quote? It’s from David Lee, who plays basketball for the Golden State Warriors, about his infected elbow that will need surgery? “I know, I know, it’s an elbow scratch, but I was in the worst pain of my life, Now I know what it feels like to give birth”

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“Dancing With the Stars” Judge Carrie Ann Inaba told People magazine that she has a theory why the young woman, who is a relatively mediocre dancer, is in the semi-finals. 

Inaba stated  “Bristol Palin is somebody that I think most of Middle America and regular people can relate to. She is a regular girl with normal problems and issues” and as a result, people can see themselves in her.

Yeah, exactly, regular people get pregnant at 16, have their mom run for national office and have their engagement/breakup/engagement/breakup documented in exclusive interviews with major magazines.  I can see how Middle America would relate.

And don’t all teen moms have day care available anytime they want to give interviews, make speeches and go on reality shows??

 

   

 

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Boise State has a string of three nationally televised Friday night games in a row.  Tonight the Broncos destroyed Idaho 52-14, next week they take on Fresno State, and the following week Nevada.

Not that Boise State isn’t a good team, but shouldn’t this series of games be referred to as “Friday Night Lightweights.

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Halloween destiny?

November 1, 2010

When you think about it, orange and black should rule on Halloween. Go Giants. 

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Actually “Day of the Dead” is Monday in Mexico. But it sure described the Rangers’ hitters on Sunday night.

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George H.W. Bush and George Bush came in on a cart to throw out the game four first pitch. From left field. Might be only time in their life they were on the left of anything.

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The only bad part of a glorious night for Madison Bumgarner and Buster Posey? The game got over so late they missed trick or treating.

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Buster Posey says he’s been a “baseball fan since I was little.”

What was that, last week?

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Okay, how bizarre is this? “The Simpsons” and Madison Bumgarner are the same age. Both born in 1989.

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Nothing against “God Bless America.” But requiring it at EVERY 7th inning in the post-season is making me root for the Toronto Blue Jays in 2011.

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Robocalls are stupid at the best of times. Robocalls during the World Series are a good way to get voters to vote against your candidate or cause.

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Remember that story about the construction worker burying a Red Sox jersey in the concrete at Yankee Stadium?  (The shirt was found and removed after the story leaked out.)

You have to wonder, who successfully buried what in the concrete at the new Cowboys stadium?

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Today’s sloppy game between the 49ers and Broncos in London did do one thing for British sports fans.  Helped convince them that they are right to have soccer as their national sport.

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A quote I remembered watching clips of the Jon Stewart rally, from Lucy Van Pelt of Peanuts.  Who knew Charles Schultz might so accurately predict today’s political climate:

“If you can’t be right, be wrong at the top of your voice.”

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The 0-7 Bills have lost their last two games in overtime.  Shame they aren’t in the NHL – forcing overtime but losing the game still gets you a point!

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The torture continues….

October 11, 2010

 What was that old line.. the beatings will continue until morale improves.  (And was it said by a Giants fan?)

Today’s SF Giants come-from-ahead-then-behind win – Just another f**king laugher!  

Wonder if anyone else had this stomach-churning memory when Brooks Conrad was playing his own particular version of “no-hands” baseball:

Back in 1986, Roger Craig was managing the SF Giants and due to injuries, needed a player to fill in for a game at third base. Catcher Bob Brenly (who was doing color commentary for the game Sunday on TBS ), volunteered.  And he made FOUR errors in one inning. But Brenly also had two hits in the game when he came up with two outs in the bottom of the ninth and the Giants trailing by one with a man on.  And he hit a walk-off home run.

If Brian Wilson had loaded the bases, not an impossible thought given his creative style,  the batter would have been – Brooks Conrad.

Oh, and the game where Brenly had his worst and best day ever?  It was against the Atlanta Braves.–

From my friend Jerry Perisho:  Braves second baseman Brooks Conrad’s three errors Sunday cost the Braves the game. The last person to screw an entire team was Madonna.

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How many years of chances will 49ers quarterback Alex Smith get? He’d last as long in Philly as Michael Vick at a PETA convention.

In the “torture loves company” department: Giants fans, can we have a moment for fans of the Texas Rangers? Only MLB franchise that has NEVER won a playoff series. Ever. As either the original Washington Senators or after they moved to Texas in 1971. And with a 2-0 series lead they just lost two games to the Tampa Bay Rays.

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The Tampa Bay Rays beat the Texas Rangers today in the ALDS series to send the series back to Tropicana Field for game 5 tied 2-2. Based on their game 1 and 2 losses, lousy attendance, and the fact that they play in the worst stadium in the big leagues, wonder if the Rays said, “Uh, actually could we pass on home field and stay in Texas?”

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What’s worse for 49ers fans? Being 0-5? Or having two fewer wins than … the Raiders?

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In New York, Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said in a speech to Orthodox Jewish leaders that he doesn’t want children “brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality” is acceptable.

Fortunately, he’s losing big in the polls. Most New Yorkers don’t want children “brainwashed” into thinking stupidity and bigotry are acceptable.

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Rich Lott, a Ohio congressional candidate, is facing criticism from both parties after photos surfaced of him recently dressed in a German SS uniform to participate in Nazi re-enactment ceremonies. Lott says his participation was for “purely historical interest in World War II.” Well, if that is true, he’s too STUPID to serve in Congress.

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Meg Whitman appeared with former New York governor Rudy Giulani at a fundraiser today in California.   (Wonder if Giulani commented that it was just 29 days away from the ninth anniversary of 9/11?.)

Whitman, however, turned down an offer to attend another fundraising event this week in Anaheim with Sarah Palin.  Meg’s campaign said they had “competing events.”  No doubt.  Given Palin’s California approval ratings, Whitman would probably rather stay home and clean her house.

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Magic number zero.

October 4, 2010

This is a crappy picture, so maybe it’s only worth 500 words… but.

(taken at A T and T Park about two minutes after the Giants clinched the Western Division.)

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An interesting question for San Francisco Bay Area sports fans… who is crazier? Giants closer Brian Wilson or Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh?

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The Pittsburgh Pirates are apparently about to fire manager John Russell after another losing season. But is this really fair? It’s hard to compete with a team where the average player makes less per year than Reggie Bush did at USC.

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And then there’s Seattle, where the Mariners lost 101 games. According to reader Gary Morton, “They’re so bad, they’ve already been mathematically eliminated from next year’s race.”

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In fact while SF fans justifiably have learned to love the phrase “Giants baseball – torture,” Mariners fans have had to take it to a whole new level. Last week they even managed to lose on a walk-off strikeout.

Not a misprint. With a runner on first and two outs in the bottom of the ninth in a tie game against the Texas Rangers, reliever Dan Corts struck out pinch-hitter Nelson Cruz. But the ball got past the catcher, Guillermo Quoriz, and his attempted throw to get Cruz at first base went into right field, enabling the runner on first to come all the way around to score the winning run.

Now THAT’S torture.

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Even if Michael Vick is ready to play again next Sunday after today’s injury, Kevin Kolb may have played well enough to reclaim the Eagles’ starting QB job. What can Vick say? He knows it’s a dog-eat-dog world.

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A Wells Fargo Bank executive acknowledged that he simply relied on co-workers and assumed that information in foreclosure documents was correct. So he hecked only the dates on up to 150 foreclosure documents he signed every day.

Yeah, why shouldn’t he trust fellow bank employees? It’s not like they’ve made any other lending mistakes over the years…. Oops, never mind.

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Do not adjust your sets – The last undefeated team in the NFL is indeed the Kansas City Chiefs. (Whose next win will equal their 2009 total of 4.)

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Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab, again. Not saying she’s not living in the real world but rumor has it Lindsay if she would be cured in time to go to a USC bowl game.
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The once and future King?

September 24, 2010

Larry King visited the set of SNL this week and apparently asked about being a guest host. While they were intrigued, the show’s producers said they were actually moving more in the direction of younger trendy hosts like Betty White.

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Katy Perry was bounced off Sesame Street for being too slutty. This is not good for Miss Piggy.

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All this talk from Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman about what they’ll do if elected. But what about the issue that seems to be uppermost on Californians minds- do either of them have a plan to fix Lindsay Lohan?

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Another television clip has surfaced of Christine O’Donnell, this time in 2003 when she vowed to stop unmarried Americans from having sex. Well, at least this won’t hurt her with that all-important Tea Party Trekkies contingent.

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The San Francisco Giants’ pitching staff has now allowed 3 runs or fewer in 18 straight games, a modern day record, eclipsed only by the dead ball era – 1916 NY Giants and the 1917 Chicago White Sox.

Even more amazing, Giants pitchers are doing it without benefit of pitching against their own lineup.

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First a little background on the next thought. At Coors Field the Rockies some years back started putting baseballs in a humidor, like they use for cigars, to make them moister and heavier. This after years of softball scores. The humidor works as the moist balls are heavier and don’t fly off the bat like a normal baseball left out in the dry mile-high air.

All well and good, but in the past few years, the Rockies have been putting up incredible numbers at home, especially in September. And one theory, which I subscribe to, is that just maybe they are putting some of those dried-out balls into the game, particularly late or when they are behind.

One Rockies spokesman said it wouldn’t happen due to the “integrity of the game,” (right, baseball has the longest history of cheating of maybe any major sport, from stealing signs to corked bats to pretending to be hit by a pitch.)

Anyway, my son told me tonight that there was video of Tim Lincecum asking for a new baseball and his lips clearly said “blanking juiced ball.”

Of course, it could be his imagination. And baseball is a mind game. Or maybe not.

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Another television clip has surfaced of Christine O’Donnell, this time in 2003 when she vowed to stop unmarried Americans from having sex. Well, at least this won’t hurt her with that all-important Tea Party Trekkies contingent.

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Carly Fiorina’s latest commercial is all about Barbara Boxer asking a general to call her “Senator” rather than “M’am” during a congressional hearing. Good to see Fiorina is really focused on the crucial issues facing California.

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Reader Gary Morton commented on the idea of Sarah Palin being elected president (Hey, who thought W. could ever be elected…) But if it happened, which 2 years of her term would she choose to serve

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A woman in Montana got a bear to run out of her garden by throwing zucchini at the animal. Assume the bear was a teenager. (Although personally I avoid zucchini myself.

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Payouts and payback

September 21, 2010

Apparently Los Angeles created only 55 jobs with $110 million in stimulus money. Big deal, Meg Whitman is trying to create only one job with $150 million of her own money.

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Actual verbatim headline on SI.Com after tonights 49ers-Saints game. “Bush on crutches after injurying leg in fourth quarter.”

Is there something about the name “Bush” that is incompatible with the English language?

(Michael Duca’s response, “Men can’t think properly in the presence of the word.)

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Here’s hoping Reggie Bush’s injury isn’t career ending, but for all those who talk about “God’s Will,” maybe God thought it was time for a little karmic payback after all the media fawning over Bush’s “doing the right thing” regarding returning the Heisman?
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Christine O’Donnell now says if she WERE a witch, Karl Rove would be a supporter of hers. No, if she was really a witch, those clips would have vaporized, and Bill Maher would be living on a lilypad in a pond.

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Ohio University has apologized to Ohio State and its fans after the school’s Bobcat mascot tackled the Buckeye’s Brutus mascot. Meanwhile, after the school’s 43-7 loss to OSU, Ohio coach Frank Solich has recruited the Bobcat to play defense.
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Watching Brett Favre being interviewed yesterday after the Vikings loss, seemed like both he and Lindsay Lohan have a problem in knowing when to quit.

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Bristol Palin, who claims she now wants to be a cautionary role model for young women to be abstinent, made her first appearance on “Dancing with the Stars” Monday. Yeah, magazine covers, network talk shows, and now a reality show. That should show girls that it’s not a glamorous life being a single mother.

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New York Republican candidate Carl Paladino, said recently that Manhattan is “home to smug, self-important, pampered liberal elitists.”

Not necessarily true, Yankee Stadium is in the Bronx.

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Meanwhile, in California, Meg Whitman is continuing her campaign to win the vote of all smug, self-important pampered conservative elitists.

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Former CEO Mark Hurd has reached an agreement with HP to settle their lawsuit. Hurd will give up the stock portion of his severance and HP will “allow” him to work for Oracle. So he will only get $12 million cash severance and a new $11 million a year package at Oracle. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

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September mourning?

September 6, 2010

Matt Leinart was flat out released by the Arizona Cardinals. Who knew the former Heisman winner would turn out to be JaMarcus Russell without the bling?

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T.J. Houshmandzadeh was cut Thursday by the Seattle Seahawks. The team feels confident they can replace him at wide receiver, but they will take a hit with their clubhouse Scrabble game.

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Meanwhile the party to celebrate Houshmandzadeh’s departure is still going on for Seattle copy editors and sportscasters.

Ten losses in a row for the reeling Padres. At this point sports fans in San Diego will really be thrilled when the NFL season starts. At least the Chargers have a chance to win once a week.

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My very funny friend Alex Kaseberg wrote this one, which was used on the Tonight Show – “Padres” is actually an old Spanish word meaning “Chicago Cubs.”

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The University of Florida won their opening game against Miami of Ohio, 34-12, despite gaining about 20 yards in the first half, and under 40 yards until the last few minutes of the game.

How worried are the Gators? They’re reportedly even looking into what academic program they use to tempt Jeremiah Masoli into transfering.
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John McCain said Sunday the Republicans should put out a new “Contract with America.” It’s not that McCain disagrees with Newt Gingrich’s original model, it’s that he can’t remember it.

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Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 63, picked up a win for the Brockton Rox, an independent league baseball team in Massachusetts. Lee started, pitched 5 1/3 innings, and only allowed two runs. And at age 63 he still probably pitched harder than Tim Wakefield.
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Give Arizona Governor Jan Brewer credit. Who knew another Governor could make Arnold Schwarzenegger sound like a Shakespearean actor by comparison?

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The Jan Brewer debate tape continues to be an online hit. Looks like the title of “most embarrassing and inexplicable silent gap ever for Republicans” no longer belongs to the late Rosemary Woods.

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Internet evangelist Bill Keller has set up headquarters in a New York Marriott near Ground Zero to speak out against Islam. So let’s see, a “Christian” using a hotel founded and run by Mormons to preach against Muslims – is this an amazing country or what?

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