How Sweet Sixteen it is.

Posted March 25, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Screw brackets. University of Florida Gulf Coast is just plain fun to watch.

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But thinking  anyone who said they have Florida Gulf Coast vs. San Diego State playing for the right to go to the Sweet 16 must be really good at Liars’ Dice.

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Indiana miraculously proving that these day’s it’s not a good idea to bet against a Harbaugh in big games. (Joani Harbaugh is married to their coach.)

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Although for my male readers,   Florida Gulf Coast coach Andy Enfield is married to Amanda Marcum, a former swimsuit model.    (If you haven’t seen her, this is what Google is for,  guys.  Have fun.)

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An unknown New Jersey resident bought the lone winning powerball ticket, worth $338 million. Wow. That’s enough money to move out of New Jersey.

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The Sweet 16 includes TWO teams from the Pacific Time Zone. So at this point watching #MarchMadness will get fans ready for ESPN’s usual baseball coverage.

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The Miami Heat won their 26th straight game tonight, without Dwayne Wade. Okay, but against the Charlotte Bobcats at home, shouldn’t this game have an asterisk?

 

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Karl Rove said today that Democrats need to “stop scaring people” with regards to gun policies and gun control reform. Apparently Rove thinks that scaring people should remain a Republican job.

 

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In northern Utah, a Chevron fuel spill near a bird refuge, originally estimated at 6,000 gallons may have leaked as much as 27,000 gallons. And Chevron will now need government approval to reopen the pipeline. Wonder how long it will take the oil company to add the cost of cleanup to gas prices?

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ESPN advertising opening night baseball next Sunday, the Rangers vs. the Astros. Guess they figure they can get those Texas teams out of the way early and then go back to Yankees-Red Sox.

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The Lakers apparently come out of their pre-game huddle saying “championship.” The way the team is playing now, does Los Angeles think they could win the NCAA’s

 

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Serious sports question:  Two NCAA wins aided and possibly decided today by bad calls (OSU and Miami). Maybe in a one-and-done tournament time for a little more instant replay?

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Serious gay marriage  question as the issue moves to the Supreme Court:   Good people can disagree on abortion, but why aren’t ALL conservatives who talk about religious freedom and small government lined up to say it’s nobody’s business who you marry?

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And bus to hell time from T.C.    The controversy over horsemeat in  European hamburgers continues. My question for the week:   Do  their “Quarter Pounders” contain meat from “Quarter Horses”?

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Shockers?

Posted March 23, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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Really, Wichita State?  You couldn’t have come up with a more original name if you were going to knock off a #1 seed?

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All these NCAA teams moving onto the Sweet 16 with less than great regular seasons… maybe the gap between college and pro basketball is less than we thought?

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Lindsay Lohan had her SIXTH mugshot taken this week. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date for the seventh?

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Some are whining about Hanley Ramirez’s WBC injury. What about Curtis Granderson and Chase Headley, who both broke bones in spring training games. What’s the solution – skip all practice so out-of-shape players can all get hurt when the season starts?

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Dr. James Andrews told ESPN that RG III’s recovery from knee surgery has been “unbelievable.” So sounds like the Redskins’ QB might be healthy enough to be re-injured in the season opener.

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Stanford men lost to Alabama 68-54 today in the second round of the NIT. On the brighter side, most Cardinal fans would have been delirious if someone said pre-season that their basketball team would last longer in the postseason than Kentucky.

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San Francisco’s Archbishop,  Salvatore Cordileone, who opposes gay marriage,  believes that that therapy can change sexual orientation.   If true, wouldn’t you think the Catholic Church would have used such therapy on some of their priests?

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CEO Howard Schultz to a shareholder who complained Starbucks’s support of gay marriage hurt the company: “If you feel, respectfully, that you can get a higher return than the 38 percent you got last year, it’s a free country. You can sell your shares of Starbucks and buy shares in another company. Thank you very much.”

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Powerball jackpot today over $320 million. Of course, your chances of winning if you played were statistically about the same as if you don’t play.

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The U.S. may have discovered the secret to winning international soccer competitions. Declare it an outdoor winter sport!

 

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Whatever you think of Jay Leno, he’s leading in the late night ratings. So of course it makes sense for NBC to replace him. He’s messing with their streak.

 

So as a distraction from shredded brackets finally watched the end of season 3 of Downton Abbey. Time to watch something cheerier, like more shredded brackets tomorrow.

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More madness….

Posted March 22, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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Theme of a lot of people’s #Marchmadness brackets after today. “One round and done.”

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The “Catholic 7”   founding members of the new Big East include Georgetown,  Villanova, and Marquette and DePaul.  And then there’s Notre Dame. Last time Catholics were as embarrassed as in this #Marchmadness, priests and altar boys were involved.

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For most American sports fans, this weekend is the exciting second round of March Madness. For anyone who had Wisconsin, Marquette, Georgetown , New Mexico and/or Kansas State in the Final Four… we’re only about a week away from MLB opening day.

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A 42 year old former Tennessee Titans cheerleader was arrested for allegedly offering to perform sex acts on a 12-year-old boy. She told the police she was drunk, “confused”, and thought the boy was a man she knew. And across the country guy are thinking “That’s awful – why didn’t any cheerleaders get drunk and confused when I was 12?”

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If you feel stupid about college basketball today just think – you could be the rocket scientist who seeded the West bracket….

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A falling boulder damaged an SUV on US Highway 101 near Sausalito this morning. Bummer. If a rock was going to fall on an SUV why couldn’t it be one parked in a “compacts only” space?

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Not a good morning for the Badgers. Last time sports fans in Wisconsin were this upset, a Brett Favre retirement was involved.

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A Frenchman was arrested for impersonating an Air France and sitting in the cockpit of a US Airways plane at Philadelphia Airport. Wonder if the flight attendants became suspicious when the man declined a pre-flight cocktail.

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Iowa State upset Notre Dame tonight. At least those who have their brackets further busted can take some consolation in the fact that we won’t have to see those lime-green uniform monstrosities anymore.

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Meanwhile, UCLA  continued their best  efforts to be more disappointing this year than the Lakers.

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In the meantime, the Los Angeles Lakers lost, AT HOME, to the Washington Wizards.  Making this Kobe and company’s best effort so far to make a case that the Lakers should be at least an NCAA six seed.

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NBC is going to air some jailhouse interviews with Jerry Sandusky next week. Wow. I know the network is struggling, but why couldn’t they try to get ratings with something classier like mud wrestling. the Octomom,  or “Girls Gone Wild?”

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A Texas woman saw a snake, threw gasoline on it, and set the poor reptile on fire. The snake slithered into a nearby brush pile, starting a fire that burned down the house. Mother Nature and Karma together can be mean bitches.

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From my friend M.D. “I’m pretty sure there are no perfect brackets left in America, because the guy who had Harvard AND Florida Gulf Coast could not get out of the institution long enough to submit it. Hell, he couldn’t even get out of the strait jacket.”

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The Knicks clinched a playoff spot tonight. Thereby assuring that New York sports fans with a masochistic streak will have alternatives in April to watching the Mets.

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Missed it by that much .

Posted March 21, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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(this post was done March 21,  but somehow wasn’t appearing.  Gremlins….)

 

So does Harvard count as a Cinderella since they won after midnight?

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Congrats to Harvard. Although Johnny Dawkins at Stanford now may have an even harder time explaining why academic requirements prevent him from recruiting an NCAA tournament team.

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New Pac 12 Men’s Basketball Motto: “We Suck Less Than You Thought.”

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(Note to NCAA seeding committee:  Did anyone notice that Oregon’s injured star point guard Dominic Artis has been back for a while now?)

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16 March Madness games started Thursday at 1215p EST. Office productivity will be falling faster than Congress’s approval ratings….

And sorry folks, Bucknell is NOT the new Butler….

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Watching Senators calling for an invasion of Syria…. Sigh. Once again I missed the rule that says military expenditures don’t count towards the deficit.

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In talking about a gay conversion therapy bill, N.J. Gov. Chris Christie reportedly said he never reads bills before they hit his desk for approval. And somewhere Sarah Palin is saying “Why start then?”

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That deep sigh you hear across the country belongs to all those bracket makers who didn’t think Gonzaga was over-rated.

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Just got an announcement for a Steve Miller Band concert in June at Lake Tahoe. Of course these days the song is probably “Shuffle Like an Eagle.”

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Retiring Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss said he won’t join Rob Portman in supporting gay marriage, adding “I’m not gay. So I’m not going to marry one.” Sigh. So guess not being a woman is his excuse for being against reproductive rights?

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For those who think basketball is a trivial waste of time, then there’s Kim Kardashian reportedly saying in a deposition this week that she really loved Kris Humphries. Their divorce case will finally go to trial May 6, meaning the proceedings will have lasted 10 times longer than their marriage.

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Gentlemen, and ladies, start your excuses…..

Posted March 20, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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And if you are reading this, you are probably too late to change your brackets.

“One and done” has some disadvantages and advantages. Last year’s Kentucky players didn’t get to see them raise the NCAA championship banner, this year’s won’t be on campus for all the Robert Morris jokes.

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President Obama formally revealed all of this NCAA picks this morning on ESPN. Despite alleged GOP attempts to filibuster them.

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Apparently Derek Jeter may start the season on the DL. Though he still hopes to sit in the Yankees dugout, yelling at the other team’s punks to get off his field.

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Syracuse’s basketball program is apparently again under NCAA investigation. How will we know when the allegations are really serious? When Jim Boeheim resigns to spend more time with his family.

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James Madison won their play-in game for the right to play Indiana. Isn’t this a bit like winning the Christians competition for the right to go against the Lions?

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Lindsay Lohan, who reportedly hit the clubs after her rehab plea deal is now saying “It wasn’t me.” Maybe the “Parent Star” star is taking this “evil twin” thing a bit too seriously?

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Wisconsin will open their 2015 football season against Alabama. Guess the “Little Sisters of the Poor” aren’t available?

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The Tonight Show may be moving back to New York in late 2014. So first question, will all those Dodgers jokes become Yankees jokes or Mets jokes?

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Open note to Michelle Shocked: Just shut up and go away again. Your 15 minutes have expired.

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Neiman Marcus has paid an undisclosed fine to the FTC in a settlement. Apparently they were selling real fur products and pretending they were fake fur.

As opposed to many Neiman Marcus shoppers who pretend they have “real” faces and bodies when they are….nah, I don’t need to finish this sentence.

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At Knoxville airport, Delta workers ordered pizza to be delivered to passengers stuck on the tarmac for a flight diverted due to bad weather. The really shocking thing… the airline didn’t charge them by the slice.

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Hanley Ramirez injured his thumb in the WBC final, and may be out up to 10 weeks. At this point the Dodgers and Yankees may not end up in the World Series, but they could meet up in a special baseball edition of “Survivor.”

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From my friend Jim Barach, yeah, this just about sums it up.  “On the tenth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, 53% of Americans say the war was a mistake. The other 47% are still debating between disaster, debacle and catastrophe.”

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All in the family trivia: If Indiana wins the NCAA tournament another Harbaugh will be celebrating with a trophy – Joanie Crean, wife of coach Tom Crean, is Jack and Jim’s sister.

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Okay, March Madness brackets aside – Angie or Kree to win American Idol. IMHO.

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My not-so-old Kentucky is home.

Posted March 19, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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First round NIT – Robert Morris 59, Kentucky 57. Puts a whole new meaning on “One and done.”

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Not saying the Kentucky team was young, but after the game coach John Calipari was so upset he gave all the starters time-outs.

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Btw, those same Kentucky Wildcats when the season started?  The favorite at 6-1 to win the entire NCAA tournament.  Guess that means Nerlens Noel was really the One without who they were Done?

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One of many signs this whole college basketball system needs reworking though –  when with the top teams most fans recognize fewer of the players than the coaches.

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Coach Rex Ryan said the New York Jets have to get better at QB, adding that Tim Tebow would get the opportunity to compete. And he said it with a straight face.

 

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New Jersey has decided to try allowing Atlantic City casinos to offer fantasy sports betting. Don’t most casinos already allow fantasy betting? As in picking the Cubs to win the World Series.

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A study has shown that the resveratol in red wine may help prevent Alzheimer’s. Or if you drink enough of it at least the wine gives you a good reason to forget things.  (or as my friend Linda says, you won’t care if you forget things..)

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Got to love it, Tiger Woods announces he is dating Lindsey Vonn, posts a number of pictures, and thanks fans on his Facebook page for “respecting our privacy.”

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Lindsey Vonn apparently was making jokes a couple years ago about Tiger Woods and his “sex addiction.” Have to wonder the odds on in another couple years Lindsey herself ending up part of the punchline.

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Derek Jeter was scratched from the Yankees spring training game today with a “cranky ankle.” About the only good news for New York these days is that most of their injures should be covered by Medicare.

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Ok, the story of a University of Central Florida student who planned to shoot students isn’t funny, but then there’s this quote from an evacuated young woman “”There were police everywhere, students out there half-dressed, no shoes, in the cold….” The weather was in the 60s.

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Reportedly Lindsay Lohan chose rehab because she was scared of jail. But not scared enough apparently to start just following the law….

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Telling NBC jokes has apparently gotten Jay Leno with network executives. Fortunately, since he’s still on NBC, very few people are actually hearing the jokes.

 

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Michelle Shocked has had several shows canceled after making an anti-gay slur at a San Francisco concert. Two questions. Who the heck is Michelle Shocked? And is she angling to open for Ted Nugent?

 

After a South Carolina primary, looks like the House special election will be between Mark Sanford, former Governor and “Appalachian trail” hiker and Elizabeth Colbert Bush, sister of Stephen Colbert. Not sure about state residents, but comedians across the country are thinking ‘Thank you, Jesus.”

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Now, the Broncos have offered Dumervil a contract—talk about bringing Elvis back from the dead”
 
(Elvis’s agent, however, is no doubt still as dead as Generalissmo Francisco Franco)

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Only about 325 to go?

Posted March 18, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Lindsay Lohan has accepted a plea deal involving 90 days in rehab. It’s all part of Los Angeles’s “33 strikes and you’re out policy”

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First Elvis Dumervil’s late fax, now, according to the Patriots, Wes Welker’s agent is the reason the WR isn’t back with New England. Hard to believe there’s been this much bad publicity about agents and Scott Boras isn’t involved.

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John Boehner has said today that he ‘can’t imagine’ his views on gay marriage will ever shift, even if he had a son who was gay. Brave words from a man with two daughters.

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Belated St. Patrick’ Day toast. “May your troubles last as long as your pristine brackets.”

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Video game maker Electronic Arts Inc. said today their CEO will step down at the end of the month. Shocking to many in Silicon Valley. Electronic Arts is still in business?!

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One of the young men convicted in the Steubenville, Ohio rape case apologized and said “No pictures should have been sent out, let alone been taken.” Uh, what about nothing they took pictures of should have happened, PERIOD.

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Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh, says the team will be different next year but that’s a good thing — “The worst mistake you can make is trying to hold a team together” And Florida Marlins fans are thinking “Not exactly.”

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Pablo Sandoval apparently has a mild elbow injury. SF Giants just hope the doctor tells him to stop lifting burritos, burgers, pizza….

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Disneyland now says children under 14 must have an older person with them to enter the Magic Kingdom. Translation, we are no longer going to be your babysitter.

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RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today that “Focus groups described (the GOP) as ‘narrow minded,’ ‘out of touch,’ and ‘stuffy old men.'” Who says Americans don’t pay attention to politics?

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Tiger Woods has officially announced that he and Lindsey Vonn are dating. Presumably Tiger has turned over a new leaf with women, as he’s smart enough to know that a world champion skier might have better aim with a golf club….

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Watching a repeat of the Daily Show featuring Sandra Day O’Connor. Is it too late to have her rejoin the Supreme Court and have Antonin Scalia take her place in retirement?

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Gentlemen, and ladies, start your brackets.

Posted March 17, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Why we know the same people who run the BCS are not on the NCAA men’s basketball tournament selection committee – not only did defending champions Kentucky not get in, but the field only has 3 SEC teams.

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Wonder what kind of shape the USA would be in if Americans spent as much time thinking about who they vote for as they do filling out their NCAA brackets? #Marchmadness

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So which happens first? President Obama releases his NCAA brackets? Or the GOP criticizes him for making time to select them?

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Wonder how busted most people’s brackets would already be if you had to know the city and state of any team picked, and for that matter at least one player on each team….

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Pat Boone called President Obama a Marxist. Wonder how many people these days actually remember what a Marxist is? For that matter wonder who many people actually remember who Pat Boone is?

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Now former Denver Bronco Elvis Dumervil has fired his agent. Wonder if he did it by fax.

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Just saw a commercial saying: “KFC whole chicken is delivered and prepared fresh by real cooks in our restaurants.” Is SNL starting to run their fake ads during the day now?

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Two high school football players in Steubenville were found guilty of raping a drunk 16 year old girl at a party last year. Proof perhaps that doing very bad stuff and posting it online trumps even society’s bias in favor of athletes.

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Lindsay Lohan apparently could miss her Monday morning court date because she missed her flight last night from NY to LA to stay and party at a local nightclub. Gosh, if she shows up the judge again Lindsay could face a really really stern warning.

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Mark Teixeira says his wrist injury may sideline him longer than originally thought, but added “I don’t know if it’s the beginning of May, the end of May, the beginning of June, I don’t know when it is but we got a whole bunch of season left and the time that really matters is the playoffs.” Uh, this assumes the NY Yankees make the playoffs.

 

Of course, GOP Rep. Steve LaTourette is retired so he can say this, “We’re supposed to wonder why we don’t have the women’s vote in this country when we have a candidate suggesting that a child born as a result of rape is a gift from God?” And “If we ever want to be a national party, then we have to look like America. Today we look like a bunch of white guys below the Mason-Dixon line.”

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Oh say can you C PAC?

Posted March 17, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Rand Paul won today’s CPAC’s straw poll, just ahead of Marco Rubio. Democrats wish both them as much luck as the 2012 winners, Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum.

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Meanwhile,  Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, once considered a front runner, finished 8th, tied with Sarah Palin.   Even the 2012 New Orleans Saints are calling that a disappointing showing.

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Headline from CPAC:   Coulter throws Christie under the bus.” With all due respect, I don’t think Ann Coulter could even lift Chris Christie, let alone throw him anywhere.

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Sarah Palin at CPAC while drinking from a “Big Gulp” cup on stage “Bloomberg’s not around. Our Big Gulp’s safe.” Nice prop usage, except that Palin made a point of saying after the 2008 campaign – “I never asked for anything more than a Diet Dr. Pepper once in a while.”

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More from CPAC: Attendees are blasting conservative GOP Senator Rob Portman for having a gay son and for now endorsing gay marriage. Right, the same folks cheering Sarah Palin, whose daughter Bristol has been such a paragon of traditional values.

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Cher now says she dated Tom Cruise briefly in the 1980s. Well, that ought to take care of the gay rumors….

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Wide receiver Donte Stallworth sustained serious burns after he and his girlfriend had their hot air balloon run into power lines near Miami. Teams around the NFL expressed sympathy, and promptly added ballooning to things forbidden in guaranteed contracts.

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Elvis Dumervil had to be released by the Denver Broncos because he and his agent faxed in the paperwork about 8 minutes late. Who said football players don’t need to pay attention to math?

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Apparently people who drink both coffee and green tea are significantly less likely to have a stroke. Stand by for some ghastly new concoction from Starbucks.

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More cruise ships with issues this week getting news coverage. At what point do we rename it the Carnival News Network

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Broncos safety Quinton Carter was arrested and faces felony charges for allegedly cheating at a Las Vegas casino craps game. Not sure if this means jail time but if not maybe Denver will trade Carter to the New England Patriots?

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And finally, today is selection Sunday. The day when several men’s NCAA basketball teams get to complain bitterly about being denied the chance to be knocked out in the first round of March Madness

 

 

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And you’re out.

Posted March 16, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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So with the USA bounced out of the World Baseball Classic does that mean we need to put an asterisk on “World Series Champions?”

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The Dominican Republic is doing so well in the WBC that the Yankees are trying to figure out if there is any way to buy the team.  Or as my friend Jim Barach says, maybe just buy the entire country.

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So will a silver lining of this USA World Baseball Classic loss mean that the U.S. will finally get around to declaring Puerto Rico the 51st state?

One good thing about Notre Dame’s day-glo basketball uniforms. They make the Oregon Ducks’ uniforms look positively restrained.

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And as the Irish discovered tonight in their 69 to 57 loss to Louisville.  It’s not always easy being green.

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Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Cancun, six people were killed and five were wounded when two masked men shot up a bar. And Carnival Cruise Lines said “See, it could be worse.”

Mitt Romney gave a speech at CPAC that sounded like he was still running for President. Well, suppose that makes at least as much sense as Paul Ryan acting with his budget like he and Mitt won.

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Senator Ted Cruz of Texas was actually born in Canada. So when are we going to see conservative critics talking about his un-American vision?

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And wonder how many of the conservatives who are criticizing Ohio senator Rob Portman’s new support of gay marriage, are the same folks screaming about too much government control over our lives?

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In a speech to CPAC, Donald Trump criticized many in the the GOP, and added that immigration reform could be a “suicide mission” for Republicans. Though what the Donald is really unhappy about is that the party didn’t undertake the suicide mission of nominating him for President.

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Quote of the day: “In our country today, if you’re born poor, if your parents didn’t go to college, if you don’t know your father, if English isn’t spoken at home, then the odds are stacked against you. You are more likely to stay poor today than at any other time since World War II,” So is it time to switch parties for the speaker? His name – Jeb Bush.

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Seacrest out?  .

Ryan Seacrest 38, and Julianne Hough. 24,  are not only not getting married, they’ve apparently broken up after two years together. . Well, that ought to do wonders for the gay rumors?

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Tuckered out?

Posted March 15, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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The NFL is considering abandoning the tuck rule. And from the great beyond, some hear Al Davis’s voice yelling ‘So where are our retroactive 2002 Super Bowl Rings?”

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Riddle of the morning: What’s the difference between a dirty play and a good hard aggressive play? Answer: Whether or not it happens to YOUR team.

 

Nicki Minaj said of one of her favorite American Idol contestants on elimination night – “If you go home, I’m going home.” And most of America said “Promise?””

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Silver lining for Lakers fans. If the team doesn’t make the playoffs now, for all eternity you can say that they WOULD have been World Champions if not for Kobe’s injury.

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So allegedly Kris Humphries’ lawyers have obtained a deposition from a producer of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” saying Kim not only knew about the “surprise” proposal, she had them reshoot the scene to make her reaction look better. “I can’t believe she would be that tacky” said absolutely nobody.

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In a speech at CPAC, Marco Rubio today referred to liberals as “freeloaders.” Somehow I missed the part of the speech where he decried the rule that U.S. Senators get a pension for life after only one term.

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Unclear on concept? Ted Cruz, trying to connect 1st and 2nd amendments, asked Dianne Feinstein if she considered it constitutional for Congress to specify that the 1st Amendment would only apply to certain books. This from a senator whose state schools still ban books? #guncontrol

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Clearly don’t know all the details of the Steubenville, Ohio, rape case, where the question appears to be if a 16 year old girl was too drunk last August to give consent to sex with two high school football players. But seems like if they weren’t football players, the two would have made a plea bargain and already been in jail?

 

Not saying the Notre Dame day-glo lime green basketball uniforms are ugly, but even Oregon football players are saying “What were you THINKING?”

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The USA fell to 33rd in FIFA rankings. Of course, part of the problem – most Americans said “What’s FIFA?”

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Oops, apparently they waited too long to embalm Hugo Chavez’s body, and acting Venezuela president Nicolas Maduro said the process now might be “quite difficult.” Waiting to see how they decide this is the U.S.’s fault.

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The Carnival Dream has mechanical problems and is stuck at the dock in St. Martin. Good thing they picked a Pope yesterday so CNN can devote the entire day again to this major story.

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from T.C.  “Japanese tsunami debris has been discovered washed up on the Hawaiian Islands this week. This is not to be confused with former MLB player Manny Ramirez who will be washed up in Taiwan in under 2 weeks.”

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Poped out.

Posted March 13, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Bummer. They chose a new Pope today and America didn’t even have a chance to hear the top ten sing.

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The new Pope, Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Buenos Aires, was taken  immediately after his election to get his new clothes and be given time to pray in the “Room of Tears,”   Wonder if they piped in the music “Don’t cry for me, Argentina?

 

So the papal conclave in Rome is over   – they sent out white smoke.

Meanwhile with the sequester in Washington – they’re still blowing smoke.

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V.P. Joe Biden, a Catholic to serve as vice president, will lead the U.S. delegation to next week’s formal installation of the new Pope.   Will they send up white smoke when Biden’s speech is over?

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The “Catholic 7” said they will announced new members for their new basketball conference in 7-10 days. So will they announce their choices with white or black smoke?

(Michael Duca reminds us that “White smoke can’t jump.”)

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Miley Cyrus, who’s been attempting a comeback, now apparently has split with her fiancé, Liam Hemsworth. Maybe Miley can talk to Taylor Swift for tips on writing a song about it..

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Kobe Bryant has sprained his ankle and is out indefinitely. Can’t wait to hear Dwight Howard tell him to play through the pain.

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A corgi in Helen Mirren’s London play “The Audience” about Queen Elizabeth II has been fired for not obeying commands. While the dog was supposed to be playing the Queen’s pet, clearly she saw herself more in the role of a cat.

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Marriott is going to partner with Ikea for a budget brand in Europe, which will be known as Moxy Hotels. Guess we can expect Moxy to put a whole new spin on the concept of making your own bed.

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The Senate Judiciary Committee passed a universal background check bill to close the gun show loophole on a strict 10-8 party line vote. What is it with those in the GOP who don’t think you need ID check to buy a gun, but you do need it to cast a ballot?

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Sen. Ted Cruz says he is willing to risk a govt shutdown if Obamacare is not defunded. Leaving the Supreme Court decision and the 2012 election out of it, if Cruz cares so much about the budget why doesn’t he personally step up and volunteer to defund Congressional healthcare?

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Am I the only one who doesn’t get it? So Michael Vick has to cancel his book tour because of outrage, and Ray Lewis just signed a contract with ESPN…..

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Old Smokey?

Posted March 13, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Just wondering, how many of the 115 Cardinals theoretically choosing an infallible Pope couldn’t even choose law-abiding priests.

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At the Vatican, the Cardinals have been locked up until they decide on a Pope. Couldn’t we try something like this with Congress and the sequester?

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T.C.  says ” The Cardinals gathered at The Vatican have yet to elect the new Pope. Neither have the Saints, Rams or Falcons. However, the Jets are pushing to get Tebow elected, as they know it wouldn’t cost them a draft pick.”

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New York Mets utility player Jordany Valdespin took a 94-mph Justin Verlander pitch right to his, ahem, groin area yesterday. He wasn’t wearing a cup. Wonder if it’s still a Darwin award if the person survives but may not be able to reproduce.

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A California assemblyman has proposed a statewide bill banning smoking in apartments, condos and other.multi-unit residences. This could result in some bi-partisan revolt – if the bill goes beyond tobacco.

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A  golfer is glad to be alive after he was rescued when a sinkhole opened up beneath him Friday on a Illinois golf course. Does this make him golf’s first lucky one-in-hole?

(Chris E. says, “Please tell me someone was yelling ‘Get in the hole.'””)

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Does Paul Ryan not get the concept that if America had wanted his b.s. budget, we would have voted for him and Mitt?

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Is Baden-Powell spinning somewhere? The Boy Scouts have resisted allowing openly gay members because of tradition. And now they have (seriously) approved a video game merit badge. .

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Somewhere George W. Bush is giggling. Paul Ryan today on his budget: “This to us is something that we’re not going to give up on, because we’re not going to give up on destroying the health care system for the American people.”

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Yikes, the conservative Koch brothers may be interested in purchasing the L.A. Times. If true, this could mean something in Los Angeles San Franciscans hate more than the Dodgers.

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The NCAA has announced their new college football championship tournament will not have a sponsor. Translation, no one’s yet offered enough money.

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A serious thought,  if being serious about “the Bachelor” isn’t a contradiction in terms:  If you’re going to tell a girl goodbye when she thinks you’re going to propose….don’t start with a nice romantic speech.  KISS.   Keep it short, stupid.

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Peter Banks, the original guitarist for “Yes” died last week at the age of 65. By “Who” and “Rolling Stones” standards, a mere child.

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After the rose colored glasses?

Posted March 12, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Confused here, so when the Bachelor finally makes his choice do they send up a plume of rose-colored smoke?

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So the Vatican wants the Church to be more relevant in a modern age. Maybe they could increase interest in this whole Papal selection process by publishing brackets? (And warning those brackets are not for betting purposes.)

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Yesterday on “Meet the Press,” Jeb Bush referred to political reporters as “crack addict” or “heroin addicts.” Well, this ought to get media relations for his probable 2016 run off to a good start.

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Jeb Bush, when asked about the effect his family history might have on a run for the Presidency, replied “I don’t think there’s any Bush baggage at all.” And Sarah Palin commented “And they call ME stupid?!”

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A 25-year-old Seattle high school softball coach has resigned after he was caught allegedly sending female students out to get photographs and phone numbers of “cute girls” for him. Well, on the bright side, at least he wasn’t sleeping with his players.

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Not a boxing fan, but kudos to former UFC light heavyweight champion Rashad Evans: “I am a heterosexual guy in a tough macho sport, which is exactly the reason I feel a duty to say I support gay marriage and gay rights. What people overlook is that is isn’t a sex issue, its a love issue. There’s no justifiable reason for trying to get in the way of two people who love each other.”

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A bipartisan group of eight Senators has apparently come to an agreement on a path to legal status for illegal immigrants Meanwhile, a bipartisan group of eight members of the House is close to agreeing that the sun sets in the west.

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The Yankees are so desperate for temporary help due to all their injuries that they’ve reportedly talked to retired players Derrek Lee and Scott Rolen, and they’re even interested in Chipper Jones. “Hey, I’m available” chimed in Brett Favre.

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Some are comparing Mayor Bloomberg to a Nanny. But really, is that the best analogy? Remember Mary Poppins and her “spoonful of sugar?”

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A judge just tossed out New York City’s large sugary soda ban, a day before it was to take effect. Here we go through the appeals process … your tax dollars at work.

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Wonder if the court’s decision on the large sugary soda ban will last through Opening Day. Does alas wreck the excuse of  “Really, honey, I didn’t want all those beers, but they were the only large cold drinks I could get.”

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New York Mayor Bloomberg said the people who will be helped by the city’s soda restrictions will be poor people who “don’t have the ability to take care of themselves as well” as the wealthy. Can’t wait to see the next time Bloomberg meets up with Chris Christie.

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Donald Trump said today he’ll cover the costs to keep White House tours open for rest of the year. Makes sense, presume the Donald would want a sponsorship banner or sign: it’s the only way he’ll get his name on a door in the White House.

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How the other half travels: The Four Seasons in Hong Kong has a Club Level package for three night that covers garment pressing – with the note “up to six garments per day.”

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Countdown to madness.

Posted March 10, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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One week until Selection Sunday for March Madness. Meaning in many American offices, these upcoming five work days will be the last productive ones for some time.

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One nice thing about daylight savings time: Okay, so we lost an hour of sleep. But we’re one hour closer to MLB opening day!

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Jeb Bush now says he didn’t really believe what he wrote in his book – that undocumented immigrants should not be eligible for a path to citizenship . Because he wrote the book last year, at a time when the immigration debate “was dramatically different.” Looks like the “Etch a Sketch” has been passed to a new generation.

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WBC has had some good games. But the only way most folks in the USA will care about the tournament is if their team gets to the championship game.

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Is there any less useful statement in sports than fans yelling to a golf ball “Get in the hole?”

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Liberty’s men’s basketball team won the Big South tournament and so an NCAA bid, with a 15-20 (.429) record. Hard to imagine a team that bad in the tournament. In a bowl game, absolutely.

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One of Oscar Pistorius’s friends said the South African track star is “on the verge of suicide. It really worries me.” Who knew… shooting your girlfriend could be stressful.

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Manny Ramirez, who got no free-agent offers, is apparently off to Taiwan to play in the “China Professional Baseball League.” Wow. A whole new country where “Manny being Manny” can wear out his welcome.

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From T.C.  In the Canada/Mexico basebrawl game in Phoenix, Canadian coach Larry Walker was hit with water bottle and a ball thrown from the stands. Security ejected these two fans. They were met outside by Arizona Diamondback scouts who immediately signed them to minor league pitching contracts.

The Chicago Cubs are thinking of adding a mascot. And across American except in Philadelphia, MLB fans are thinking “take our mascot, PLEASE.”

 

 

GOP strategist Steve Schmidt said of his Republican party  – “An company, any organization in today’s day and age that doesn’t give equal opportunity to women, that doesn’t advance women to the table, is going to be an organization that has difficulty competing.” Wait a minute, what about those full binders?

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Truth from my friend Neil Berliner “Hey TSA: I fly every week. Trust me, these people need deodorant, mouth wash and shampoo more than knives and baseball bats.”

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Stumbling forward into Spring?

Posted March 10, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Just thinking, if we’re going to lose an hour wouldn’t most Americans prefer it to be during working hours on Monday?

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Many Americans are worried about the hour they are losing out of their lives this weekend. So they are relieving stress by playing more online games and looking for additional pictures of cats to post.

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Marshmallow Peeps are celebrating their 60th anniversary this year. And some of the original products from 1953 no doubt taste as fresh as the day they were made.

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Ah nanny states. So starting this week in New York,due to the new surgary soda rule you won’t be able to order a pitcher of Coca Cola when you go out with friends. But you will be able to order a pitcher of beer or margaritas….

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Jim Carrey, who originally said he was out of a “Dumb and Dumber” sequel, now says he would consider it. In the meantime, there’s always C-Span.

 

A major brawl broke out during Canada’s 10-3 WBC win today over Mexico. What did they think this was, a hockey game?

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Regarding this WBC brawl between Canada and Mexico, wonder how many baseball people are privately thinking “A few more of these would do wonders for ratings.”

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Mariano Rivera, who will retire at the end of 2013, says “The last game I hope will be throwing the last pitch in the World Series. Winning the World Series, that would be my ambition.” So the season hasn’t started, and Rivera already wants to be traded?

 

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RNC chairman Reince Priebus’s said this week that MSNBC contributed to GOP losses in the 2012 election. Shocking?  Someone thinks MSNBC actually has power?

(Maybe he should have complained that Fox didn’t have enough.)

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WTF moment. TSA now says bringing 3.5 ounces or more of liquids through security is still forbidden, but small knives including box cutters are okay. Although we have never actually had terrorists use liquids on planes….

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If anyone’s tried to bring a partially empty bottle through security, TSA will take it away, even if you have less than 3.5 ounces of liquid inside. Because they say terrorists could mix small amounts of stuff together in a larger container. Fair enough, so then post security – stores selling large water and soda bottles. Sigh.

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An JetBlue plane was taken out of service after it was clipped by an Air India jet this morning at JFK. Let the un-PC foreign driver jokes begin…..

First entry from Nick Coombs:   “Geez you’d think the one thing an air India flight could do properly would be the taxi.”

 

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Job Creation?

Posted March 9, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Mitt Romney is returning to work, joining his son Tagg’s investment firm. Well, does President Obama get credit for creating at least this one job?

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The cardinals will start voting in Rome Tuesday to elect a new Pope.   The Vatican has announced that no Cardinal over the age of 80 will be allowed to vote. Guess this is the Church’s idea of a youth movement?

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The answer to “Have you no shame?” is sometimes “Yes.”: After President Obama signed the Violence Against Women Act.”. Sen. John Cornyn of Texas released a statement titled, “Cornyn Bill to Eliminate Nationwide Rape Kit Backlog Signed Into Law.” Now Cornyn’s Sexual Assault Forensic Evidence Reporting (SAFER) Act WAS rolled into the VAWA bill. Except Cornyn voted AGAINST it.

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A news report yesterday on Venezuelans filing past to pay their respects to Hugo Chavez said the leader looked “pale and gaunt.” Gosh, so this cancer thing could be serious.

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In talking about all the Yankees injuries, Derek Jeter said “it’s as if someone had voodoo dolls or something.” And in Boston they’re thinking “Who snitched?”

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From an Feb 2013 op-ed in the Washington Times about “my plan for comprehensive reform.” : “Border security, including drones, satellite and physical barriers, vigilant deportation of criminals and increased patrols would begin immediately.” The author? Rand Paul.

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An TSA undercover agent with a fake explosive device in his pants made it through two security checkpoints, including a pat-down, at Newark airport last month. On the other hand, security did find hundreds of four ounce shampoo bottles.

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Hooters is apparently trying to attract women customers by upgrading their food. Here’s another idea, add good looking scantily-clad MALE waiters.

New Math?  Got to love it, on the nutritional information label of a “Safeway Select” package of appetizers, it says “Serving size – 5, Servings per container – About 2.” Number of appetizers listed on the package, and actually in the container – 8.

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The U.K. Daily Mail reports that that in Montana, Gregory C. Rodriguez, the television host of “Rifleman’s Journal” and editor of “Shooting Times Magazine,” was allegedly shot dead by the husband of woman he was visiting…. Gosh, if Rodriguez only had a gun to defend himself.

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So the same week Joy Behar announced she was leaving “the View,” Elisabeth Hasselbeck was fired. Women are thinking, “Wow, wonder what happened.” Men are thinking “Who are these women and what view are we talking about?”

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From T.C.  ”

Queen Elizabeth spent the weekend in the hospital being treated for gastroenteritis, a stomach infection. Her Majesty still did what she gets paid for, sitting on the throne.

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Love and marriage…

Posted March 8, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

This might be the first link to a commercial I’ve ever posted.  It’s for the new Amazon Kindle, and if you haven’t seen it,  it’s so worth 30 seconds of your time.  IMHO:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=lS3t9reE364.

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Barack Obama took 12 GOP senators out to dinner last night and personally picked up the tab. Waiting for Ted Cruz to demand the President’s impeachment for attempted bribery.

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San Diego may soon permit  medical marijuana sales from vending machines. Assume next to the Doritos machines?

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QB Gunner Kiel, a top recruit in 2012, changed his mind and defected from both Indiana and LSU before ending up at Notre Dame.  Now Kiel has now announced he is transferring after one year in South Bend.  What’s Gunner’s reason, that the Fighting Irish weren’t offering enough of a commitment?

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Michigan Senator Carl Levin, 78, has announced he will not seek re-election in 2014. “Retiring so young?!” remarked John McCain.

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Mariano Rivera says he is retiring after the 2013 season. Responded Cher – “The first time is the hardest.”

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Former SF Giants closer Brian Wilson has announced he will not try out for MLB teams until he is at 100% following his second Tommy John surgery. Does that mean “the Beard” is retiring?

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A new study shows that consuming large quantities of processed meats can raise your risk of premature death by 44%. Hmm, maybe a solution to the Social Security/Medicare funding crisis – free hot dogs and bacon for all!.

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The Big East is probably changing their name for football to “America 12 Conference” as they’ve registered the domain name “America12.org” The way schools have been leaving hope they also registered “America11” “America10”, “America9” and so on….

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Facebook’s new News Feed will apparently place greater emphasis on photos that members post. You know what this means, even more cats!

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Milwaukee Brewers GM Doug Melvin ended up in the Scottsdale emergency room after being stung by a scorpion. Hearing the story, SF Giants fans are surprised it didn’t happen to Jeremy Affeldt.

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Pop star Justin Bieber needed medical attention after he. fainted during a concert in London. Fortunately Bieber did recover, and to the dismay of most parents in attendance, he did return to finish the show.

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From Bill Littlejohn:     “Johnny Manziel said that he will take out an insurance policy in case of a career-ending injury.   And after he takes out this one for the nightclubs and bars he goes to, he’ll also take out one for playing football.”

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Sequester this?

Posted March 7, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

If President Obama wants bipartisan agreement maybe he could just send a drone to at least temporarily silence Nicki Minaj?

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Could we declare this sequester part of the New York Yankees starting lineup?. Seems to be the best way to guarantee it will be shelved in no time.

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Leaving aside our potential differences on Rand Paul’s politics, can we at least agree that the man knows the right way to do a filibuster?

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This week’s blizzard, projected to be one of the most powerful of the year, has kind of turned into a big “meh.” Which means the storm could end up being renamed from “Saturn” to “Lakers.”

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The Yankees’ Mark Teixeira injured his right wrist and will be out about 2 months. “That’s really a shame”, said no one outside New York.

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Taco Bell is coming out with a new Cool Ranch Doritos Loco Taco, which uses a shell that is basically just a giant Cool Ranch Dorito. For all those who think the chain’s regular offerings just don’t have enough artificial flavorings and salt.

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Mayor Bloomberg’s next campaign is to warn young people that listening to loud music on their iPods with earbuds could result in hearing loss. On the other hand, if kids use the earbuds in traffic, it does increase the chance of a Darwin award to remove them from the gene pool.

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Rory McIlroy about leaving the course during the Honda Classic last week “I realized pretty quickly it wasn’t the right thing to do…. my tooth was bothering me, but it wasn’t bothering me enough to quit.” What? No blaming bad advice, the crowd, his medications…..

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President Obama had dinner tonight with 12 GOP Senators. I wonder how many food tasters will be involved.

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Rand Paul decided to have a real filibuster against President Obama’s nominee for head of the CIA. So far he’s been speaking about twelve hours….. Let’s hope Joe Biden doesn’t take this as a challenge.

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Members of Congress left for early weekends today starting at 1pm, despite the much vaunted storm only bringing an inch of snow. So for the remainder of the week, sounds like as much will be accomplished in Washington as usual.

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So now Jeb Bush is making noises about running for President in 2016, which means he may well face off against Hillary.. Isn’t it great we Americans don’t live in a banana republic where power is concentrated in the hands of a few families?

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And all joking aside, my friend Alex B sent along this link from West Wing, “Ten Word Ansswers.”   Kind of makes you wish we could draft   Jed Bartlett for President in 2016.

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Threats and no threats

Posted March 6, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

TSA announced that passengers will be able to carry sporting equipment including golf clubs and souvenir baseball bats onto planes next month. Members of the the 2013 NY Yankees will even be able to carry full-sized bats, because TSA doesn’t think they will hit anything.

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As of midnight, Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez are still dead. 

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Just read that Americans waste 1/3 of the food they buy. But bet none of that waste includes chocolate.

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Okay, President Obama can’t lock all of Congress away until they come up with a deal. But it’s a shame he couldn’t have called an emergency session tonight in advance of the big storm about to hit D.C.   And then immediately furloughed  all the snowplowers….

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Jeb Bush said Monday, and in his new book, that he opposes a pathway to citizenship for undocumented immigrants. Tuesday Jeb said he would endorse such a pathway if it did not incentivize illegal immigration. Adding “We wrote this book last year, not this year.” Even Mitt Romney said “That was fast.”

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After Serge Ibaka hit Blake Griffin in the groin during a game Sunday, the NBA decided to fine the Oklahoma City star $25,000 but not suspend him. And I’m sure this decision would have been the same had the Thunder been playing, say, the Sacramento Kings tonight instead of the Lakers on national television.

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George Shultz will be speaking in Washington this Friday urging action on climate change, including a carbon tax. Waiting for the first GOP member of Congress to accuse Shultz of being a “commie pinko Californian.”

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Justin Bieber is taking a lot of heat in England for a show in London where he didn’t appear on stage until almost 1030p. Does Bieber not realize that if you’re old enough to stay up that late, you’re too old to be one of his fans?

 

Denied the use of a $1 internet coupon, a woman at a Walmart allegedly pulled out a handgun and threatened employees. Then she fought with arresting officers. She is now in jail. The state? Of course. Flori-duh.

(If Walmart employees decide to arm themselves do they get an employee discount on their personal guns?  Just wondering?)

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Jon Stewart says starting in June he will take an eight week break from “The Daily Show” to produce and direct a feature film. Yikes. What will we do without the Walter Cronkite of our generation?

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The Chicago Blackhawks won their 10th consecutive game tonight. Said Chicago Cubs fans – “You can do that?”

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Regarding this pissing match about hypothetical drones between Eric Holder and Rand Paul, here’s a hypothetical question:. If an American citizen stole an 757 jet, and announced in midair he was flying it to recreate 9-11 with another U.S. skyscraper, does the President have the authority to order the military to use a drone to shoot him down?

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