“Wah wah woh wah wah”

Posted April 11, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Peter Robbins, 56, who was once the voice of Charlie Brown on the Peanuts specials, has pleaded guilty to stalking his ex-girlfriend. Wonder if she’s a little red-haired girl?

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Down in Single-A baseball, Chicago Cubs prospect Jorge Soler was fined and suspended five games for approaching the opposing team’s dugout wielding a bat. The punishment could have been worse, but since he was a member of the Cubs organization, baseball officials figured he actually wouldn’t hit anything.

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Major bench-clearing brawl in San Diego during the Dodgers-Padres game tonight. This would never have happened in today’s Giants-Cubs game – it  WAY too cold for anyone to voluntarily leave the dugout.

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Zack Greinke apparently has a broken collarbone after the brawl. Waiting for Wayne Pierre to say we need to arm pitchers.

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This Greinke injury could scare other MLB pitchers away from pitching inside. Well, except Barry Zito. He knows no hitter would risk the embarrassment of charging the mound after being hit by a 50mph fastball.

New England CB Alfonzo Dennard, who was accused of assaulting an officer in April 2012, has been sentenced to probation plus a 30-day jail sentence. The jail sentence will begin on March 31, 2014. 2014? How long until Lindsay Lohan tries for the same deal on rehab.

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A new study from National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism says that Americans tend to eat more calories and fat on the days they also have alcoholic drinks. Uh, couldn’t we have gotten the same results for a lot less $$ by sending the scientists to a few Happy Hours?

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Bud Selig has rejected San Jose mayor Chuck Reed’s for a meeting to discuss the Oakland A’s hopes to move to a San Jose ballpark. But maybe Selig will appoint a blue-ribbon committee to spend 5 years looking into the proposed meeting?

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A Northern California Junior High school has been in the news for prohibiting girls from wearing tight-fitting pants because they’re “distracting to teenage boys,” Uh, with all due respect, almost everything, including girls, is distracting to teenage boys.

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Joint joke with my friend Alex Kaseberg:    As the Masters began, many eyes  are on 14 year old Chinese golfer Guan Tianlang. Wonder if he’s a retired factory worker?

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So why aren’t those opposed to background checks for buying guns also opposed to driver’s license exams? After all, cars don’t kill people, people kill people.

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So how has it gotten to the point that it is now considered a major victory, not to have legislation passed, but even to get it debated and voted on in Congress?

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From T.C.   “North Korea is moving a missile supposedly capable of striking the US mainland to their east coast. Satellite surveillance confirms the weapon is being transported via rail. The good news is, there is no sign of the gigantic rubber band that will be needed to launch it.”

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Actually,  if Kim Jong Un is such a basketball fan, maybe we should send Shaquille O”Neal over to follow Dennis Rodman.   Maybe Shaq can give those aiming the missile some of his famous free throw shooting tips.

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Move over Babe, here comes Barry.

Posted April 10, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

If the National League had the DH, SF Giants fans wouldn’t now be enjoying the great slugging run of Barry Zito, currently batting .750 with three sacrifice bunts.

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Zito’s doing so well, MLB was about to check him for PEDs….  Until they noticed the radar gun and that 70mph fastball…

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Okay, it’s early, as of this afternoon  9 days into the season, the SF Giants’ Barry Zito has as many hits as the LA Dodgers’ Matt Kemp. (3.  Though Kemp got 2 tonight. Zito also only has 1 less than Josh Hamilton.)

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A University of California, Davis professor said in a presentation today that we need more research on hangovers. Sounds like the SEC has a new potential project for their football student-athletes.

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MSN reports that Carnival Cruise Lines has slashed prices for some inside cabins to $38 a night per person, barely more than the cost of a Motel 6. But of course at Motel 6 they promise to leave the light on for you.

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Taco Bell says they are going to provide “balanced food choices.” And that by 2020, 20 % of their combo meals will meet nutritional guidelines for calories and fat set out by the federal government. Which should thrill Taco Bell customers who care about that sort of thing. Both of them.

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Notre Dame QB Gunner Kiel says he is transferring to Cincinnati. In high school Kiel committed to Indiana and then LSU, before he finally ended up at Notre Dame. But now Gunner, who wants to start, is leaving the Fighting Irish because they won’t commit to him.

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Amazing, the same people who don’t think ANYONE should have a background check to buy a gun don’t want to let a sexually-active 17 year old girl buy her own birth control….

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Really? – Joe Paterno’s widow Sue, speaking at a child-abuse prevention program, says she and her husband had no idea that Jerry Sandusky was a sexual predator. Isn’t having a Paterno speak about child-abuse like having Mike Rice speak on anger-management?

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And we think Americans are harsh towards politicians. In England, while many mourn Maggie Thatcher’s death, a Facebook campaign, called “Make Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead number one the week Thatcher dies”, has the Wizard of Oz song up to #3 with over 10,000 downloads in two days.

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Ouch. Poor Karen Carpenter is dead, but if not that American Idol performance from Lazaro might have killed her.

(on the other hand, Candice Glover’s “Lovesong” on Youtube is worth 4 minutes of your time, IMHO.)

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The #MiamiHeat beat the Washington Wizards 103-98 with James, Wade and Bosh sitting out. So will David Stern fine them anyway?

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Police said a Northern California woman used a stun gun today to break up a fight over a seat aboard a BART train. Cool, wonder how she is on obnoxious cellphone users…

 

The Washington Nationals’ game was delayed 20 minutes tonight because the umpiring crew was stuck in traffic. I blame Obama.

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  The Fenway Park sellout streak ends at 820.   Many Sox fans feel that the most signifigant sellout during the streak was when Damon signed with the Yankees”

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Bear arms,… arm bears….. It’s so confusing.

Posted April 10, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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A circus elephant escaped serious injury when she was hit by a bullet in a drive-by shooting in Tupelo, Miss. Waiting for the NRA to issue a statement saying that we now need to arm elephants.

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Stephen Colbert apparently has convinced Bill Clinton to open a Twitter account. But once again, I think we can all be happy that the former president never had the ability to text or send camera phone pictures while in office.

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Many Colorado Rockies fans were complaining because the team doesn’t have their home opener until April 15. Today’s high temperature in Denver? 18 degrees. I think this is Mother Nature’s way of saying “STFU.”

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Scripps National Spelling Bee just announced that semi-finalists will now also have to know the meaning of the words they spell in the competition. Great. Yet another way for 11 year olds to make us feel stupid.

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At least 15 people were injured in an attack at a Texas college near Houston. So far injuries only. But then there is no such thing as a semi-automatic knife.

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Tom Cruise now says that he “did not expect” Katie Holmes’ abrupt filing for divorce last year. What? Tom must have thought it was a 10 year contract instead of five.

 

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As the NBA draft declarations begin have to wonder why colleges raise NCAA tournament banners any more. Not like any of the players on the teams are ever there the following year to see them.

 

Former V.P. Dick Cheney spoke to Republican lawmakers Tuesday about North Korea, and reportedly told them “We’re in deep doo-doo.” “Deep doo-doo?!” And this is the man who was supposed to be W’s adult supervision?

 

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Golden State Warriors heading to the playoffs for the 2nd time in the last 19 years. Or as Chicago Cubs fans call that – “practically a dynasty.”

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How scary a stat is this?  (From Gregg Drinnan of the Kamloops Daily News in British Columbia “Lakers center Dwight Howard has missed more free throws this season than Steve Nash has missed in his 17-year career.,”

And if anyone’s reading this in Orlando they’re just giggling….

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Tigers DH Victor Martinez missed today’s game when he needed stitches after cutting his thumb on the bat rack at Comerica Park. In San Francisco, Bruce Bochy issued an order to keep Jeremy Affeldt away from the bat rack.

(Giants fans can just imagine Affeldt running his hand along the rack….”So how could you possibly cut yourself on one of these… Oh sh*t.”..)

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Tear down those nets.

Posted April 8, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Stirring run by Louisville after Kevin Ware’s horrific injury. But as cutthroat as college basketball has become, have to wonder, is there a D1 coach out there thinking “Hmm, how do I draft a high school star with brittle bones?”

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Now that the NCAA men’s tournament is over, fans of high-level amateur basketball will just have to be content with a few more games from the Lakers.

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Wonder if Michigan coach John Beilein used magic markers on the hands of his players tonight to help them keep track of the number of remaining timeouts?

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Over-under on the number of Division 1 college teams burning practice videos this week?

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Dennis #Rodman was fired last night from #CelebrityApprentice.” Let’s hope no one tells his “friend for life” Kim Jong Un.

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In Tennessee, a 4-year-old who picked up a sheriff deputy’s gun at a family BBQ allegedly shot and killed the man’s wife. An Tennessee Bureau of Investigations spokesman said it appears accidental at this time.” Ya think?

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Metta World Peace said he will start Tuesday night for the Los Angeles Lakers, just 12 days after knee surgery. Well, it’s not like World Peace needs to save himself for the playoffs.

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Damn, Annette Funicello has died. She was 70. And millions of baby boomers suddenly feel very old.

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Just thinking, before Sesame Street, how many people remember “M-I-C (see you real soon) -K-E-Y (why, because we like you) M-O-U-S-E” as the first words they learned to spell?

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Thieves in Germany apparently stole 5.5 tons of Nutella chocolate-hazelnut spread from a truck last weekend. Wonder if this followed a marijuana heist nearby. Talk about a sticky situation.

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The NY Jets are forcing unhappy CB Darrell Revis to show up to “voluntary” workouts while they try to trade him. Meanwhile, QB Tim Tebow will voluntarily show up if he hasn’t been cut. New York sure doesn’t need Barnum and Bailey to have a circus in town.

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Monday was the home opener for the Chicago Cubs. Who made masochism fashionable a century before “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

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Former Sen. Rick Santorum said today that the GOP must stay opposed to gay marriage to avert political suicide. Santorum also maintained his support for changing the symbol of the Republican party from an elephant to a lemming.

(or as my friend Michael D. says, a passenger pigeon)

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Why even in the 21st century, grammar and punctuation still matter: #Nowthatchersdead set off a number of rumors today that Cher had died. (#Youhaventseenthelastofme)

 

-New Indians’ manager Terry Francona got lost Monday making the two-block walk from his Cleveland apartment to Progressive field for the home opener against the Yankees. Unfortunately for Francona, a team employee got him there in time to see the Indians lose 11-6.

(Francona may also be thinking, “that’s the last time I use a old beer-stained map from Josh Beckett.)

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One or two touchdowns?

Posted April 8, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

All these scores Sunday – NY wins 7-0,   Cleveland wins 13-0,   Boston wins 13-0,  St. Louis wins 14-3…. Did someone start the NFL preseason early and not tell me?

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Price – rocked, Strasburg – rocked, Hamels – rocked, Cain – rocked, Dickey – rocked, Verlander – , not great. So will today’s MLB headline be “Aces in the Hole?”

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Headline in Los Angeles Times – “Clippers sweep Lakers. Clinch division title.” Good thing the Tonight Show is moving to New York. This may have killed half their jokewriters.-

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My friend Darren reported  tonight “So the fans in Texas are chanting “Take a drink” @ Josh Hamilton”  Stay classy Texas fans, stay classy!!

Am afraid fans in Dallas are proving Hamilton’s point about it not being a baseball town. (Either that or they think they are in Philadelphia.)

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Barry Bonds is never at major SF Giants events like today’s ring ceremony, probably in part because the Giants don’t want reminders of the taint of cheating. So always a bit ironic to see Gaylord Perry. –

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Sen. John McCain doesn’t get the filibuster threat from other Republicans a bill for gun background checks. “I don’t understand it. The purpose of the United States Senate is to debate and to vote and to let the people know where we stand.” Sigh. If McCain really believes that is still the case, maybe he IS getting senile.

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Kathy  Griffin’s show was cancelled. Shocking! Kathy Griffin had a show?

 

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Dumb and dumber. Those leaked Rutgers tapes of Mike Rice in practice weren’t made surreptitiously, Rice himself had the practices filmed. (So much for that “always act like you know there’s a camera watching” theory of life.)

 

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A New York City councilwoman wants to make it a crime to buy fake designer purses. Forget the soda ban, this is the law that could get women banded together in serious bipartisan outrage.

 

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Conn. Gov. Dannel Malloy said of the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre and his opposition to the state’s strict new gun laws – “He reminds me of the clowns at the circus.” No doubt there will be swift calls for an apology, from clowns.

 

-Condoleezza Rice played Augusta National today with Phil Mickelson. Was this the closest Condi’s been to a Lefty?

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Working for peanuts?

Posted April 7, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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peanuts

 

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then this is a very long blog post.

And I’m not sure how many employees the boutique grocery store chain “Trader Joe’s” has,  but they clearly have more than enough lawyers.  (Picture is not a joke.)

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Final two.

Posted April 6, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Now that #Michigan is in #NCAA championship, over-under on number of times we’ll see #ChrisWebber’s 1993 attempted timeout before Monday?

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If Louisville wins thinking Rick Pitino’s wife is about as likely to let him go out without her for a celebratory dinner as Kobe Bryant’s wife is to let him order room service.

 

(short version for those saying “what?” – Pitino,  married since 1976,  was involved in an 2009 extortion trial with a woman he admitted meeting in a Louisville restaurant in 2003 ,  and having sex with in the bathroom. He also admitted giving her $3000 for an abortion.  But that story somehow hasn’t made CBS’s weekend’s narrative..)

 

A 18-pound tortoise named Cashew who disappeared from a museum in Dubuque, Iowa, was found alive and in good health two days later in a building elevator. Officials believe the tortoise was stolen and then returned. Which would be easier to explain than her just having run away.

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A rate Honus Wagner baseball card just sold for $2.1 million. What’s crazier, the price for a single card, or the fact that these days $2.1 million might get you a mediocre middle reliever?

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A 22-year-old Oklahoma mom was arrested for allegedly trying to sell her 2-year old and 10-month old kids on Facebook. What kind of monster tries to sell little children? Teenagers, well, okay that makes sense.

(My friend Abbe Nelson says says you get better prices for kids on Ebay..  And Michael M. adds “More sad tales of the demise of newspapers. Once upon a time, it was very easy to sell small children through classifieds.”)

 

Is there a worse invention in college basketball than the possession arrow? Seriously. How hard is it to learn how to throw up a basketball for a jump ball?

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Free-agent DB Charles Woodson, 36, says no NFL teams have offered him a contract because they think he’s too old. Shame Woodson didn’t take up baseball instead of football. He’s almost old enough to be signed by the Yankees.

 

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Not a Rick Warren fan but very sad to hear his report his son shot himself: “Today, after a fun evening together with Kay and me, in a momentary wave of despair at his home, he took his life.” Without a gun a “momentary wave of despair” might not have been fatal.

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CNN reports North Korea has told diplomats it cannot guarantee their safety if war breaks out but is encouraging tour groups to stay. Well, at least daredevils now have a scarier vacation option than a Carnival cruise.

 

Oops. The NY Post reports that Yankees fans who google “Yankees box office phone number” will find a number for a phone sex line. Well, some (male) fans may decide the new number provides more value for money.

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Santa Clara beat George Mason 80-77 for the College Basketball Invitational title. So do schools raise a CBI banner?

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There’s always a silver lining for someone.   Mike Rice and company at Rutgers at least have meant that Chris Christie and Snooki are off the hook  as the top New Jersey punchlines.

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John Lackey  exited his first start of the year with an arm injury. He had signed an $82 million, 5 year contract with the Red Sox in 2009. Who’d a thunk then that Barry Zito’s 7 year $126 million 2006 contract might look like the better deal?

 

Another thought on the whole Obama-Kamala Harris mountain of a molehill:   So where’s the outrage when someone suggests a male politician is good looking?

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Hitless and witless wonders?

Posted April 5, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: , , , ,

SF Giants are 3-1. Despite having fewer team RBI’s than the Orioles’ Chris Davis.

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It’s an axiom that there’s no such thing as bad publicity. But a week ago, most people didn’t even know Rutgers had a men’s basketball team.

Two most common reactions around the NCAA to the Rutgers basketball scandal. 1. That’s awful, how could they allow this to happen? 2. Burn the tapes.

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Anyone but me find it a little ironic that ESPN is talking about Mike Rice and then switching to a Final Four preview featuring Bobby Knight?

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Powerball tickets will be sold in California on Monday. All this uproar about taxation and no one complains about another stupidity tax.

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The city of Chicago and Cubs owners are apparently close to a $500 million deal to renovate Wrigley Field. Many Chicagoans wish the team would spend $500 million to renovate the Cubs.

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Brendon Ayanbadejo told the Baltimore Sun there are four current NFL players who are considering coming out as gay together. So are they working on coordinating outfits?

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Pretty dominating performance by Barry Zito today. Especially considered that even Jamie Moyer was thinking “dude is throwing SLOW.”

From my friend Max McDuh watching today’s  SF Giants game with St. Louis Cardinals broadcasters.  In the middle innings the play by play asked color guy: “Third time through against Zito, what advice would you give Cardinals hitters?”

“Close your eyes, count to three, open your eyes again, pick up the ball and swing.”

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Democratic Senators Heidi Heitkamp (N.D.) and Joe Donnelly (Ind.), announced their support for gay marriage. Good news for those who have Mark Pryor (Ark.), Joe Manchin (W.Va.), Mary Landrieu (La.) or Tim Johnson (S.D.) in the pool.

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The $240 million New York Yankees are 1 and 3. With this kind of money to performance ratio they could be renamed the New York Congress.

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A NY judge overturned a 2011 FDA decision to require a prescription for the morning after pill for girls under 17, saying it must be available to people of any age. Some are decrying this loss of parental control. Thinking if a girl needs the pill, she’s a bit past that point.

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So let’s see, the 2010 BCS Champion Auburn Tigers allegedly had 12 players fail tests for synthetic marijuana, some had their grades changed, and others were paid not to have left early for the NFL draft. Other than that, Auburn appears to have been running a clean program.

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If a coach yells in the forest…

Posted April 4, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

With no one to record him, is he still fired?

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Many unfortunate lessons from the Mike Rice fiasco at Rutgers. And while his actions were inexcusable, have to wonder, how was the now ex-coach stupid enough to think you now can do ANYTHING around other people without someone having at least a camera phone.

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The #Nike ad said “Winning takes care of everything.” Mike Rice’s record at #Rutgers was 44-51.

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What’s a bigger surprise?  That Barry Zito is pitching the  SF Giants home opener?  Or that SF fans are happy about it.

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A fun stat for SF Bay Area friends from my friend Hartley Miller: Sharks/Warriors/Giants/A’s won Wednesday, 1st time all 4 Bay Area teams won on same day since April 18, 2007

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In a recent survey, 52% of Americans said they were in favor of legalizing marijuana. Which is impressive considering that most regular pot users’ response was “uh, what was the question again?”

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Quote of the year from an NBA player: Shane Battier, when asked whether a Griner NBA tryout would be positive for women athletes or if it would be seen merely as an attention-grabbing sideshow. “Listen, this whole (NBA) is a sideshow, what’s one more trailer?”

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Fast food workers in New York City are going on strike. Wonder how long it will take Mayor Bloomberg to step in, and see if he can keep it going for a few years.

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San Jose’s mayor says he thinks it’s time for him to meet with MLB commission Bud Selig about the A’s proposed move. Wonder how long it will take Selig to come up with a Blue Ribbon committee to look into a meeting.

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Forget PED’s. Maybe NFL teams should focus on Twitter control: Buffalo Bills’ WR Stevie Johnson “‘War is nothing to be played with. I apologize North Korea …. but if ya’ll do bomb 1st… Bomb Foxboro, Mass. Sincerely, #BillsMafia'”

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Former California Lt. Gov Abel Maldonado says he will run for Calif. Gov against Jerry Brown in 2014. Using strategists who worked on presidential campaign for John McCain and Jon Huntsman, and the advertising consultant who worked for Carly Fiorina. And those campaigns all worked out so well…..

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Talking with a Canadian friend – realized I could go buy a gun at Walmart here in the U.S., but they wouldn’t sell me .222s (Aspirin with caffeine and codeine, nonprescription in Canada.) What a country.

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Cardinals Pro Bowl LB Cardinals Daryl Washington has been suspended the first 4 games of 2013 for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Which means he’ll be back in time to earn another Pro Bowl spot this year. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

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So in heaven tonight, Siskel and Ebert, two thumbs back up?

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Oscar Pistorius’s uncle Arnold says that his family encouraged him to get back onto the track to help stabilize him emotionally… We believe it is a vital step in helping him deal with the trauma.” Even O.J. Simpson is thinking ‘Have you no shame?”

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The Chicago Cubs are in first place. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?

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The report is that during their 2011, Auburn altered grades from players in some classes to keep them eligible. When asked about it several former players allegedly responded “grades? “classes?”

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Some are upset because today after President Obama praised Kamala Harris as “brilliant and dedicated and tough… and the best-looking attorney general in the country.” So, okay, maybe he should have picked Beau Biden?

(But seriously, really folks?  Obama didn’t make any comments about Harris’ figure, and he didn’t go on about it like Brent Musberger, and he didn’t just compliment her looks.   ( For that matter he didn’t give her a neck rub.)   Just get the sense we need to loosen up a bit.  IMHO )

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Wanna get away?

Posted April 3, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

The Carnival Triumph, which was being repaired in Mobile, Ala after breaking down in February, has apparently broke loose Wednesday from its moorings. Maybe after all the coverage on CNN the ship just wanted to go away and hide.

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Now that Mark Sanford is engaged to the woman he had an affair with, have to figure the chance of her letting him go hiking alone are about the same as Kobe Bryant’s wife suggesting he order room service.

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Mark Sanford, who won the GOP primary for the House special election in South Carolina, has apologized to voters over his lies and affair. Wonder if he’s also issued an apology to Bill Clinton.

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Dallas Mavericks’ owner Mark Cuban said that he’d draft Britney Griner and give her a chance to make the team. Hey, compared to most of the men in the NBA she’d whine less and pass more.

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Not that any of my readers would have been upset, but two Florida DJs have been suspended after a number of listeners freaked out and called the Lee County water office because of an April Fool’s joke. Which was telling listeners that “dihydrogen monoxide” was coming out of their taps…..

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Jay Leno has made it official, he is leaving the Tonight Show permanently. And somewhere Brett Favre is just giggling.

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Okay, Dodgers and Giants fans, Clayton Kershaw and Madison Bumgarner have both had great starts, but when it comes to ESPN showing the pitcher of the week, guessing Yu’s on first.

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Rutgers fired men’s basketball coach Mike Rice after tapes of him being abusive to players in practice were aired on ESPN. Originally Rutgers’ AD had just suspended the coach, but changed their mind due to public outrage, that and Rice not getting the team into March Madness.

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My friend Ed Murrell pointed out that the Houston Astros struck out 43 times in their three games with Texas. Maybe it’s part of a cost-saving plan to reduce the number of broken bats?

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Nice home run from Panda Sandoval. But this is not going to do much for the SF Giants’ “tell Panda he HAS to diet now” plan.

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Sometimes best contracts are the ones you don’t sign. Remember the controversy when #SF Giants chose not to lock up #Lincecum long term?

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A new report alleges that Auburn’s football program paid money to stars to stay in school and bypass the NFL draft, and changed players’ grades to keep them eligible before the 2011 BCS championship game. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

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Former Major League Baseball catcher Mike Piazza has announced he will be playing the role of a gangster in a production by the Miami City Ballet. Well, that ought to take care of the gay rumors.

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After being turned down by Shaka Smart, Flip Saunders and Mick Cronin, Minnesota has hired Rick Pitino’s son Richard as their new men’s basketball coach. Can’t wait for the press conference where the Gophers announce how thrilled they were that their fourth choice accepted the job. –

Oscar Pistorius’s agent says Pistorius wants to train again, adding “it was clear and evident it’s going to take some time for him (to be ready to compete),” Van Zyl said. ”He’s trying to process this whole ordeal.” “I feel so sorry for him,” said absolutely no one.

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From Jim Barach:   “The Associated Press has dropped the term “illegal immigrant” from their stylebook. The question is, when will they also eliminate other antiquated terms like “congressional ethics”?”

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Brotherly and other love.

Posted April 2, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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There is a Comedy God: Former South Carolina Gov, Mark Sanford, aka Mr. Appalachian Trail, has won the GOP nomination for a vacant House seat against Elizabeth Colbert Busch, Stephen Colbert’s sister.

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The town of Nelson, Georgia, has passed a law requiring its citizens to own a gun and ammunition, although they have reportedly not had any violent crime in the last 10 years. Well, I guess it’s never too late to start.

 

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Say what? Justin Amash, a self-described “libertarian-leaning” Michigan congressman says abortion and “abortion-causing” birth control are okay, but should only be allowed “closer to the point of conception, whether it’s instantly or the first three days.” This is what comes from allowing men to hold elective office.

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The New York Yankees are starting the year with $230.4 million payroll. Wow, and at least $50 million of that is going to active players.

 

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A recently released NRA funded report on school safety suggests arming teachers. Well, this ought to be fun during contract negotiations.

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Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott says that Ed Rush, the league’s of officials should NOT be fired for offering a group of referees $5,000 or a trip to Cancun if they hit Arizona coach Sean Miller with a technical foul or ejected him during the Pac 12 tournament. Scott says Rush was “joking.” Gosh. This guy must be a lot of fun in airport security lines.

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Good for GOP senator Mark Quinn of Illinois. But someday it will be nice when a politician’s support for gay marriage doesn’t even make the news.

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Kevin Ware has been released from the hospital and will join his Louisville Cardinal teammates in going to Atlanta. Let us hope the TSA agent running the metal detector knows who he is.

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The Cleveland Browns have traded Colt McCoy to the SF 49ers. McCoy is still likely to be holding a clipboard, but now at least he can do it during playoff games.

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As North Korea’s rhetoric escalates, maybe the U.S. needs to send someone Kim Jong Un respects who is also capable of reading him the riot act. Forget Dennis Rodman, where’s Charles Barkley when we need him?

(My friend Marty B. suggests – send  Tim Tebow he can overthrow the Government.)

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In New York, the FBI arrested Dem. State Senator Malcolm Smith and GOP City Councilman Dan Halloran for allegedly trying to use bribes to rig the New York City mayoral election. Who says there’s no bipartisanism in this country?

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Mark this moment, April 2, 2013. As of 11:30pm the 2 and 0 Seattle Mariners have the best record in baseball.

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But okay, really, we’ve waited over five months for opening day,  and more than half the MLB teams don’t play on the second full day of the regular  season?

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161 to go.

Posted April 1, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Bryce Harper is on pace for 324 home runs!

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Silver lining in today’s game for SF Giants’ fans? If Clayton Kershaw is going to be the Dodgers’ power hitter on top of being their ace, it’s going to take Los Angeles $250 million to sign him long term…..

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Red Sox 8, Yankees 2. Wonder who George Steinbrenner would have fired by now.

(with an assist from my friend Tony Alan Banks.  You have to wonder if somewhere in the afterlife, Steinbrenner fired Billy Martin just out of habit.)

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Sandy Koufax looked good throwing out the ceremonial first pitch for the Los Angeles Dodgers.   Wonder how long it will take the Yankees to offer him a pitching contract.

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The University of Kentucky has announced that freshman guard Archie Goodwin is leaving early for the NBA. Guess he wants to parlay leading his team all the way to the first round of the NIT into big $$$.

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Jon Stewart really slamming #NBC tonight on the Daily Show. So is Stewart also auditioning for Jay  Leno’s job?

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Lindsay Lohan will be a guest on the “Late Show with David Letterman” next week. Sure hope the show insisted on sending a car and driver.

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Apparently police had to be called at a Seattle zoo’s Easter Egg Hunt when two mothers began fighting. Reportedly after one reportedly pushed a child aside to make it easier for her own child to get some eggs. Shocking. Parent violence at an Easter Egg Hunt?! Now, we’d expect it for opening day of Little League.

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Unclear on the concept – Lindsay Lohan has reportedly told her lawyers that she’ll only enter lockdown rehab if she’s allowed to take her Adderall prescription with her…..

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Well, at least there’s a Pac 12 team in the Women’s Final Four. Now if the #Cal Bears can just knock off UConn and Geno Auriemma in New Orleans all of Stanford might root for them.

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USC has hired UFGC’s Andy Enfield as their next men’s basketball coach. Guess Enfield couldn’t turn the deal down, over $1 million a year plus every March off.

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Glee’s Cory Monteith has voluntarily checked into a rehabilitation center to address substance addiction issues. Some would say such issues were caused by watching his own show.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  As we approach the Masters, Tiger Woods has reclaimed his No. 1 ranking and is well on his way to being the Tiger of old. In fact, insiders are predicting a Lindsey Vonn ski pole to his Escalade by Christmas.

Comments: 2 Comments

Our long national nightmare is over.

Posted March 31, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Baseball’s back!   And the Houston Astros magic number is 161!

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As the MLB season starts, the 2013 Houston Astros may indeed end up awful , but they will almost certainly give their fans more good moments this year for $25 million than A-Rod will give Yankees fans for $29 million.

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New UCLA men’s basketball coach Steve Alford signed a 10 year contract with New Mexico just 10 days before taking the Bruins job. Can’t wait to hear Alford talk to recruits about commitment to the team.

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So it’s now newsworthy, not when a senator says he will cross party lines for a vote, but when he says that he will actually allow a vote? Sigh. But Sen. Lindsey Graham said Sunday he wouldn’t filibuster gun control legislation being considered in the Senate.

 

Today is the 75th anniversary of Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First” sketch. To give you an idea how long ago that was, most of the 2013 Yankees’ starting lineup was still in Little League.

 

Could today have been worse for Kevin Ware? Well, normally when a Louisville star breaks a leg that badly, it happens at Churchill Downs…

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Hope no one wished the Cardinals luck today by saying “break a leg.”

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Radio announcer said late in the Louisville-Duke game –  “Coach K looks resigned. Things not trending his way.”   Down 15 with less than three minutes to go. Ya think?

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For those whose brackets are busted, baseball season brings with a whole number of potential new bets.  For example, what day will the Chicago Cubs be eliminated from playoff contention?

 

From my friend Alex  Kaseberg: “In their baseball preview issue, “Sports Illustrated” picked the Chicago Cubs to finish last in their division. Whoa, way to go out on a limb, “Sports Illustrated.” Next thing you know you’ll pick a Kenyan to win a marathon.”

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Comments: 3 Comments

Happy Easter

Posted March 31, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

And remember, love may fade, but Marshmallow Peeps are forever.

 

All this talk about Buster Posey being a San Francisco Giant for life….But it’s an 8 year contract! Posey will be 34 when it’s over. Making him almost old enough to play for the New York Yankees.

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The Seattle Seahawks’ Chris Clemons said he’s not homophobic but it would be selfish for an NFL player to come out, since one’s sexuality should be left “at home.” Right, based on that long tradition of men not talking about sex and women in locker rooms…..

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Many Stanford women’s basketball fans were unhappy when President Obama said that their team would lose to Cal in the NCAA Tournament. And as it turns out, Obama WAS wrong….

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Some are talking about lowering the baskets for women’s basketball to increase scoring. After watching a few rounds of NCAA’s thinking maybe we need to do that for  the college men too.

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UCLA has hired Steve Alford as their new men’s basketball coach. Which means Bruins fans can look forward in 2014 to another weekend in the NCAA tournament.

 

The Yankees’ Andy Pettitte says he expects to be in the World Series. Is    Pettite angling for a trade already?

 

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The National Zoo has artificially inseminated their female panda. Waiting for the first conservative politician to say it’s another example of Obama showing disrespect for traditional panda marriage.

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The under-over in Las Vegas for complete games in MLB this season by ANY pitcher in 2013 is 6 1/2. For the entire season. The Detroit Tigers’ Mickey Lolich had 29 complete games in 1971.

 

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Well, he’s a douchebag but a creative douchebag. A 61 year old Virginia man, angry that his girlfriend had broken up with him, was arrested after he allegedly placed a fake Craigslist ad with her picture and address saying she was a “senior lady” looking for casual sex.

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TSA has decided just to suspend 17 employees at Newark who were originally going to be fired “because it was determined that they did not ‘intentionally’ violate procedures associated with checked baggage screening.” Well, it’s not like they messed up on anything important…..

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Michael Steinberg, a NY hedge fund executive, was arrested at his Park Ave apartment today on charges to conspiracy and securities fraud.

Steinberg’s lawyer said “he did absolutely nothing wrong.”   Of course, it’s probably the fault of all the profiling police do of hedge fund executives.

 

Comments: 1 Comment

The ring’s not the thing.

Posted March 29, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

The Cowboys just gave Tony Romo a six year $108 million deal. Wow. Well, at least Dallas won’t have to find additional room in their budget for Super Bowl rings.

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Just thinking, if marriage is all about procreation and children, should we require a woman to be pregnant before a couple marries? Just to make sure they’re doing it for the right reasons…

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The San Francisco Giants are apparently trying to figure out a way to get rid of or cut down on the number of seagulls that show up at A T and T Park in the late innings. Four words “Bring your cat day!”

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Buster Posey and SF Giants have signed 8 year $167 million deal, though few expect him to catch for all 8 years. And if this 1st base thing doesn’t work out, even in 8 years Buster probably could still pitch faster than Barry Zito.

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Meanwhile, Justin Verlander has signed a 7 year contract extension for $180 million. This is great news for the Tigers. And how far have the mighty fallen when the Yankees make staying in Detroit look good?

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Rush Limbaugh said today that conservatives “lost the issue” of same-sex marriage by “allowing the word ‘marriage’ to be bastardized and redefined by simply adding words to it.” Hmm, wonder if Rush’s four ex-wives agree with him.

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When I was in Sunday School often used to ask why it was called “Good Friday.” Seems like for Jesus there wasn’t much “good” about it.

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Truth from my friend Alex Kaseberg:  “A North Carolina company has a dog IQ test for $60. The first sign your dog is smarter than you? If you spend $60 on a dog IQ test.”

One of the (all too brief) joys of March Madness. Rooting wholeheartedly for a team you didn’t know existed last week.

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Alaska Rep. Don Young says he “meant no disrespect” when he referred to describe migrant workers on his father’s old ranch as “wetbacks.” Between Young and Palin is Alaska trying to give Arizona and Florida a run in the crazy sweepstakes?

Willie Nelson, keep on smokin’ – “I never thought of marriage as something only for men and women. But I’d never marry a guy I didn’t like.”

Kim Jong Un and George W. Bush… Both destined to make us miss their fathers?

 

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From my funny friend Abbe Nelson:  The only reason Dallas signed Tony Romo to such a long contract is that Jerry Jones found God and he wants to hear the home crowd stand up and yell Jesus Christ.

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Another #1 bites the dust…

Posted March 28, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: , , , ,

In this case,  Indiana.     Bobby Knight had better aim with his chairs than the Hoosiers had with some of their shots tonight.

 

The Patriots’ Rob Gronkowski said today he would be accepting of a gay teammate. Good for him. But why is this harder for players than, for example, accepting a teammate who is a rapist.

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Best thing about tonight’s mostly lopsided Sweet Sixteen games… realizing we are only 3 days from MLB opening day.

 

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Johan Santana’s 2013 Mets’ season is probably over with a shoulder injury. Should we declare him an honorary NY Yankee?

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The NBA has said, “Oops, Kobe Bryant really did foul Ricky Rubio” – on Rubio’s last second shot that might have tied the game. Not that it affects the Lakers’ 120-117 win over the T’wolves. And it’s not as if the league has any rea$on to want Lo$ Angele$ in the playoff$…..

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Tiffany’s has just come out with a new collection of World Champion SF Giants memorabilia. This opposed to World Champion Cubs memorabilia which is in their “archaeology” collection.

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A Cosmopolitan article says the three words men most don’t want to hear from a woman is “I look fat.” Uh, I would say those three are at best a distant second to “Can we talk?”

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How new is the University of Florida Gulf Coast? Their oldest alums are 37. Wow. That’s too young to play for the NY Yankees.

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United Airlines is now offering their Mileage Plus members a free one year membership in AARP. Wonder if they are offering the same deal to some of their flight attendants?

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Three New Jersey men in were arrested for smoking marijuana New Jersey – in the parking lot of a police barracks. Can’t imagine how pot gets the reputation of messing with your short-term memory.

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Mitt Romney says he doesn’t miss the campaign trail, saying “I like the life of being an American citizen. It’s good to live a normal life again.” Wonder if after Mitt said this he got in his private plane to head to one of his vacation homes for the weekend?

 

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New York starting pitcher Phil Hughes has officially been placed on the disabled list for opening day. Looking like this year’s Yankee theme song will be “Another One Bites The Dust.”

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Due to a number of accidents including a refinery fire, the Chevron’s board has cut CEO John Watson’s bonus and stock options by 10-20%. In 2011, Watson made $24.7 million. Gosh, how will he feed his family?

Comments: 2 Comments

Shades of red?

Posted March 27, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

So are color-blind people wondering why Facebook suddenly has all these green rectangles?

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27 in a row without losing. Well, it was a nice streak for the #MiamiHeat. Curiously enough that’s probably the same streak Tiger Woods had with waitresses.

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Poster held by a man in support of gay marriage  “If Liza Minnelli can marry two gay men why can’t I marry one?”

Guess it would be un-PC to suggest that Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes could also both marry a gay man.

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Former USC star Matt Barkley apparently had a good day throwing in front of NFL scouts. So looks like NFL fans will get a chance to be disappointed by another Trojan quarterback.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:   “A report claims a gay NFL player is considering coming out, but he is concerned about the reaction from homophobic fans. The NFL fans should be fine with a gay player. This is a sport with skin-tight pants, shoulder pads, tight-ends, eye-makeup, touchdown dances and stylish headwear.”

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The Scottish government has decided to ignore threats from Donald Trump and build 11 giant wind turbines off their east coast. Trump says they will spoil the view from his new golf course. But maybe he’s really worried that the turbines will blow away the furry thing that lives on his head.

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Phil Jackson is now on Twitter. Guess he decided in view of California’s environmental laws to switch from smoke signals.

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Kay Hagan of North Carolina is the latest senator to announce her support for gay marriage. Will the last Democrat to decide to join the party please turn on the light for the GOP senators left in the dark?

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Metta World Peace is the latest Los Angeles Lakers player to be injured, and will miss at least six weeks with knee surgery. It’s not just disappointing their fans, this year’s Lakers are really adding to taxpayer costs for Medicare.

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Tim McCarver says he will retire from the broadcast booth after calling this year’s World Series. And across America, folks are thinking, why wait so long, enjoy the summer with your family….

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Actress Jessica Brown Findlay (Lady Sybil on Downton Abbey) said in an interview she regrets going topless in 2011 movie “Albatross.” In related news, downloads of the movie “Albatross” have increased 1000%.

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So one issue with same-sex marriage for some is the fact that gay couples can’t “naturally” procreate. Anyone but me hoping that at least a few gay children have been born to the Duggars?

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Stanford football coach David Shaw says that one thing he looks for in a recruit is a good vocabulary. SEC coaches respond that they are raising their own standards, and now have a few recruits who can spell “vocabulary.”

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Really? Boston College is demanding an end to student-run “Safe Sites”, where students distribute condoms out of their dorm rooms, saying it’s a “violation of the school’s Roman Catholic values.” Thinking at the point of going to a “Safe Site”, condoms would result in the least possible Catholic “values” being violated.

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You know you’re old when…

Posted March 26, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

You think of showing your support for something with a bumper sticker, instead of changing your profile picture.

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As the internet buzzes with the possibility of an active NFL player coming out, remember Willie Mays, asked at the age of 80 if MLB was ready for an openly gay player. His response “Can he hit?”

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Apparently in oral arguments,  Supreme Court justices Scalia and Alito were asking question related to the statement “We don’t know the effects of same sex parenting on children.” Uh, could it be any worse, than say the effects of heterosexual parenting, with say, Dina Lohan or Kris Jenner?

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If all gay weddings required a 21-gun salute, would more Republicans be in favor of allowing them?

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A man  has won $8,000 in a lawsuit from Disneyland after he was trapped in the “It’s a Small World” ride for more than 30 minutes. Had he been stuck for much longer it might have been a violation of the Geneva convention.

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Nike has started another controversy with a new ad showing Tiger Woods lining up a putt behind the slogan, “Winning takes care of everything.” Well, at least the ad is honest.

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Not sure how Lindsay Vonn and Tiger Woods celebrated his regaining the world #1 ranking. Guessing she didn’t send him out to pick up take-out pancakes.

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So all this excitement over the same sex marriage debate, then no ruling until June. It’s as if we had the early rounds of March Madness now, and then the Final Four after the NBA finals.

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President Obama is planning to appoint Julia Pierson as the first female director of the U.S. Secret Service. Well that’s one way to avoid Columbian prostitute scandals.

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There’s always a silver lining. Manti Te’o has to be thrilled in some ways that the headlines now are mostly just about his disappointing 40 yard dash times. (4.71 .)

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One of Justin Bieber’s neighbors has accused the singer of battery following an argument over loud parties? Really, just how desperate for money do you have to be go to down in history as the punchline who claims to have been smacked down by Bieber?

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Kanye West reportedly wants to call his new album “I am God.” Who knew, Kim Kardashian might end up being the more responsible parent?

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Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, with 19 children, say they are open to the idea of the idea of adoption. Many think they should have started adopting about 14-15 children ago.

(Pete Brody says maybe they can adopt octomoms 14 and they can have a rolling rock 33)

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Glenn Beck is now saying that the Muslim Brotherhood is behind the ethics investigation of Michele Bachmann, because of her efforts against radical Islam. Forget welfare recipients, maybe it’s time to drug-test media hosts..

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From T.C.  “Dionne Warwick owes $10 Million in back taxes. The IRS left her a singing message on her voicemail, “Do you know the way to San Quentin?””

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Spring has sprung?

Posted March 25, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

A silver lining to Monday for many sports fans – there was no chance today for any more busted brackets.

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Anyone considered that maybe Punxsutawney Phil was right?  And that this is just going to be a really really cold spring….

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According to the NY Times, senior citizens are increasingly using recreational marijuana. So to serve that market, how long until we see Doritos’ flavored Ensure?

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While Los Angeles made it closer at the end, Golden State was beating up on the Los Angeles Lakers so badly at halftime the Warriors  could have been charged with elder abuse.

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UCLA has fired men’s basketball coach Ben Howland. Well, if Howand wants a chance with another underachieving team, there may soon be an opening with the Lakers.

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Former RNC chair Michael Steele on the GOP – “”However, we are not a religious party. And we need to understand that America’s not looking for a religious party.” Well, he’s half right.

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A thought about Costa Rica’s protest about playing their soccer match against the USA in the snow. Just wait until the 2022 World Cup in Qatar. With average daytime temperatures of 106…..

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UCLA fired Ben Howland after they lost to Minnesota. Minnesota fired Tubby Smith after they lost to Florida. This does not bode well for the losing coach in the Florida-University of Florida Gulf Coast game.

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Some conservative media complaining that Sasha and Malia Obama are vacationing at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas. Of course if they were driven to an inexpensive Florida beach resort the same folks would complain that they were wrecking spring break for middle class families with the extra traffic and security.

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The New York Yankees will open the season with about $82 million of players on the disabled list. To put that in perspective, that’s about the payroll of the Astros and Pirates combined..

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Not watching the NBC interview but apparently Jerry Sandusky was laughing in his denial that anyone could have imagined that what they heard and saw in that Penn State locker room meant he was having sex with a boy. Can’t we just hurry up and put this guy in the general population.

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In light of his recent public announcement of a romance with Lindsay Vonn, was it really the best idea for the NY Daily News to have posted this headline about Tiger Woods’ win today?: “Tiger back on top.”

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Geek humor. The band “My Chemical Romance” has split up. Did they use electrolysis?

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So why aren’t the people defending “traditional” marriage also pushing for amendments to outlaw divorce?

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:  “A Huffington Post writer is looking for people who claim to have had sex with a space alien. He should start by talking to Dennis Rodman’s mother.”

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Ford is apologizing after ads submitted to them for a competition ended up on line. One featured 3 women bounded and gagged in the back of a Ford Figo, another had 3 male race-car drivers in the same situation, and in the 3rd it was the Kardashian sisters. Absolutely appalling, well maybe except the last one.

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Comments: 2 Comments

Token Cat Post

Posted March 25, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

Token Cat Post

“You say it’s a bag, I say it’s a cat cave.”

Comments: 1 Comment

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