Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category
September 17, 2012
Wonder how many viewers tuned into tonight’s 49er-Lions game and were secretly disappointed by the relative lack of violence? Especially between the Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz.
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Jim Harbaugh tonight borrowed Molly Ivins’ line about Ann Richards to praise his QB Alex Smith, saying he was “tougher than a two-dollar steak.” And a Golden Corral Restaurants spokesman said, “Hey, what did we ever do to you?”
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Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says he will go to court to force teachers back to work. Which means either he thinks the union has gone too far, or he realizes children don’t vote.
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Have to wonder if the Cowboys will feel the same sense of urgency this week in signing that long term contract with Tony Romo?
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The Patriots fell at home to the Arizona Cardinals. Frustrated New England fans are wondering if they can blame it on Bobby Valentine?
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Dwight Howard in an ESPN interview to air tonight” That’s one of the lessons that I learned, you know. I can’t make everybody happy.” Here’s a hint, Dwight, if you can’t make up your mind, you don’t make anyone happy.
(Even Lebron James is saying, “Hey, bro, at least I made a decision.”)
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Reggie Bush had such a good day, wonder if we should expect Kim Kardashian to reconsider?
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A new study has 7 signs of being a “shopaholic,” One supposed sign “You experience a rush of excitement when you buy.” Of course there’s a name for people like that, they’re called “women.”
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“I am not a witch” Christine O’Donnell, is considering another run for Senate in 2014, saying “I think I owe that to my supporters.” Not to mention the nation’s struggling comedy writers.
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Love these “bombshells.” The National Enquirer has a headline story about Malia and Sasha’s private school, saying 71% of students said they have attended parties where drugs or alcohol available. Wow. Would guess in most high schools it’s closer to 100%. (And wonder if that counted their parents’ parties.
(as a friend says, well, that means 29% percent of the kids have already learned how to lie.)
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Stanford’s number 9?! Okay, not too bad after barely beating San Jose State and beating that other California team by a touchdown.
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My favorite statistic from last night’s Stanford-USC game: As the clock ran out in the first half with the Cardinal protecting against a Hail Mary, Curtis McNeal ran for 30 yards. Without that the Trojans would have been in minus numbers for net rushing.
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Netanyahu said today that the U.S. must establish a clear “red line” that Iran cannot cross with its nuclear program if it wants to avoid war. Sometimes I wonder, does the PM realize Americans are not electing a President of Israel?
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Another statement on Libya: “This is a time when we all should reflect on those who continue to give, even the last measure, of service and sacrifice, to promoting and defending America’s interests abroad. This is above all a reminder that politics should end at the water’s edge.” From Jon Huntsman, proving again why he was too sane to make it through the GOP primary.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, Jim Harbaugh jokes, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes, shopping jokes
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September 16, 2012
Is it really an upset when a college team defeats another for the fourth year in a row? Just asking?
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Wonder if Lane Kiffin has already started looking for his next opportunity to underachieve?
My son heard this from Erin Andrews post-game on ESPN – “Stanford students are really smart but they won’t be going to class tomorrow after celebrating all night…” You can’t put anything past those University of Florida graduates.
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Wonder if USC can take solace is that Stanford only beat the Trojans by four points more than they beat San Jose State.
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Meanwhile the MVP for Ohio State today may be Cal’s field goal kicker.
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Question of the night. What was more unlikely? Stanford beating USC tonight? Or the SF Giants being 8-0 in Barry Zito’s last eight starts?
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No comment: Rick Santorum at a Values Voter Summit today – “We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”
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Now Italian and Irish magazines announce plans to print those topless pictures of Kate. In the U.S., women think “This is outrageous,” men think “When can we see them?”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Lane Kiffin jokes, Rick Santorum, Stanford jokes, Stanford upset, USC jokes, USC upset
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September 13, 2012
Wow. Jay Cutler’s performance tonight was enough to get Bears fans on their feet screaming for Rex Grossman.
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Not to say Chicago looked bad tonight, but Cubs fans sent sympathy notes.
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For the first time ever, visitors to Disney World’s Magic Kingdom will be able to have a beer or glass of wine with dinner at the new “Be Our Guest” restaurant opening in November. For a lot of tired parents, this really will make it Fantasyland.
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With today’s win, #81, the Orioles have guaranteed they will finish no lower than .500 for first time since 1997. The New York Yankees send their congratulations and suggest to keep the team healthy that Baltimore just shut everyone down for the rest of the season.
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The Wall Street Journal said that the new Nike Lebron Signature she would retail for $315. But they were wrong, it will only be $270. Well, heck, guess that means Nike thinks the average American can buy two pairs?
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Orioles beat Rays 3-2 in 14 innings. The game lasted almost 5 1/2 hours. Wow! That’s almost as long as an average Yankees-Red Sox game.
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Moving the Houston Astros to the AL was supposed to result in more reasonable travel schedules. So let’s see, the SF Giants’ longest 2013 roadtrips? LA-Colorado-Cincinnati, and LA-NY Mets and NY Yankees? Anyone in MLB offices look at a map?
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San Francisco Intl Airport (SFO) will close a main runway between 1000p Friday and 800a Monday for three weekends in September. Which will cause at least half the flights to be delayed, and the other half to be blamed on the closure.
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SI.com headline: “Reigning MLS MVP likely to miss rest of season.” “Bummer”, said most U.S. sports fans “Who is he, anyway?”
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Apparently potential Romney V.P. candidates had to give Mitt’s campaign 10 years of tax returns.
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The N.Y. Board of Health voted today to ban large sugary sodas in the city. Many read the news on the electronic ticker tape over the Times Square Hershey’s store.
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Dueling fundraising drives: Obama campaign offers donors a chance to spend an evening with Beyonce and Jay Z. Romney campaign counters with a chance to join “Mitt on board the campaign plane for an exciting day on the campaign trail — at 30,000 feet!
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Apparently a seagull swooped down and stole a camera right out of the hands of a tourist on a San Francisco beach. Hmm, wonder if the bird can be trained to go for cellphones in outdoor restaurants?
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A new report from the Global Commission on Elections, Democracy and Security, headed by Kofi Annan, says that US campaign rules, with “uncontrolled, undisclosed, illegal and opague” finance, have shaken public confidence in politics. How long until our elections get UN observers?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bears joke, Janice Hough, Jay Cutler jokes, New York jokes, Orioles jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 12, 2012
Bristol Palin’s baby daddy and his current girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, 20, have had a baby girl. Her name, no joke, “Breeze Beretta Johnston.” See, there are worse fates than to be born to Snooki.
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At a press conference today, Apple unveiled their iPhone 5, with “a taller Retina display, faster LTE speeds, and a newer smaller connector.” And millions of baby boomers said “I have no idea what any of that means.”
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Oops, the pretty picture of warships below U.S fighter jets the last night of the Democratic convention turned out to feature Russian ships, and the DNC has apologized. Stupid mistake. But it wasn’t caught by any politicians who are veterans. Of either party.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg. “In New Hampshire they renamed a pond called Jew Pond. Now it is called ‘Should It Kill You to Call Your Mother?’ Pond.”
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It’s a long nearly eight weeks to the election. But good news for folks on both sides – Jason Sudeikis, who does a great job with Romney and Biden, is returning to SNL.
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Notre Dame announced they will leave the Big East and join the ACC for all sports except football. Anyone else wish these universities would spend as much time worrying about tuition costs and academics as they do about what conferences they play in?
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A cat crawled unseen into a family’s suitcase and actually made it alive, as checked luggage, from Columbus, OH to Orlando FL. Wonder if the airline is trying how to retro-actively charge a pet fee?
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Another liberal voice weighing in on Libya? “I don’t feel that Mr. Romney has been doing himself any favors in the past few hours. Sometimes when really bad things happen, when hot things happen, cool words or no words is the way to go.”- Columnist Peggy Noonan.
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Budweiser is donating $5,000 for every SF Giants walk off win this year. Although recently they should be donating $5,000 for every time Jeffrey Affeldt comes in in relief – they sell more beer.
Mitt Romney, saying he really isn’t anti-taxing the rich ” I can tell that you people at the high end, high income taxpayers, are going to have fewer deductions and exemptions. Those numbers are going to come down, otherwise they’d get a tax break. And I want to make sure people understand, I am not reducing taxes on high-income taxpayers.”
Leaving aside the Biden-esque length of the awkward sentence, wonder if one of the exemptions Mitt wants to reduce would be offshore accounts?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: election jokes, iPhone jokes, Janice Hough, Levi johnson baby jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 12, 2012
You can’t make this stuff up: ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, and Fox all aired moments of silence at 8:48 a.m. today. NBC? They had Kardashian mom Kris Jennner talking about her breast implants.
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GoDaddy says yesterday’s major outage “was not a ‘hack”, but rather a “series of internal network events that corrupted router data tables.” Well, that ought to make users feel confident.
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Quote found by my friend David Lombardi from USC running back Silas Redd: “You have to have a little bit of a sense of urgency going into the conference, this is where you make your money.”
Well, at least he’s honest.
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Reds manager Dusty Baker said he is concerned about Aroldis Chapman’s recent drop in velocity, down to an average of 94.4 MPH on Monday. Upon hearing this Jamie Moyer and Barry Zito just sobbed.
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According to SI.com men’s basketball co-captains Kyle Casey and Brandyn Curry were both implicated in the recent Harvard cheating scandal. Wow, first the NCAA tournament, now cheating? Guess the Crimson program has really hit the big time.
(and in the “you cannot make this ‘stuff’ up” category – thanks to Rich for telling me this – the class where Casey, Curry and over 120 other students were caught cheating? “Introduction to Congress.”)
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What East Coast bias? ESPN.com has a headline talking about the Giants’ chances in the playoffs. Oops, it’s the NY Giants. After week ONE. Never mind.
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Yikes. After swearing off Twitter in May, Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has tweeted “I am. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.” Over-under on how long before he tweets something he has to apologize for?
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Americans were all thinking positive thoughts about New York on the anniversary of September 11. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take pleasure in a Yankees loss.
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The shocking dilemma of the year in Washington, D.C. Do sports fans on a budget put deposits down for post season tickets on the Nationals or the Orioles?
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Maybe SF Giants should let Madison Bumgarner skip a start and rest his arm. In the meantime he can bat third.
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Roger Clemens said he only wants to pitch for the Astros in 2012 if he can pitch against a “contender.” So he can “knock them right out of the playoffs” And Barry Bonds is thinking – “And they thought I had a big head?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, ESPN jokes, Harvard jokes, NBC jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 11, 2012
Congrats to Andy Murray for his U.S. Open win. Might be the closest thing we get to a top American male tennis player for a while. (Hey, at least he speaks more or less the same language.)
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AP headline: “Foul smell reported across Southern California.” Insert Los Angeles Dodgers joke below:
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From my Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein: “The Dodgers always play their best baseball when they aren’t even scheduled to play. Had day off, but picked up a half game on the Giants, Cardinals, and Braves, plus widened lead on the Pirates. They should just take the rest of the season off.”
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Asked about the upcoming Missouri Senate race, Todd Akin said “I’m totally in.” But is he LEGITIMATELY in?
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A TMZ report says that Kanye West so liked Kim Kardashian’s sex tape that he “has used it in the bedroom to get him in the mood with girls… and it always worked.” And some people think that gay relationships are ruining society.
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You get the sense Fox is just not that fond of the Left Coast. The headline on their video of Sunday’s record tying field goal – “Watch David Akers’ 63-yard FG against the 49ers.
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After all the talk about the national party platforms, how about this line from the Texas GOP platform? “We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs.” Maybe Rick Perry was right about secession.
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At New York’s September 11 memorial ceremony, only families of the victims will be allowed to speak, and all elected officials will be silent. Wonder who has the job of muzzling Rudy Guiliani?
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If anyone doesn’t mind a few profanities, okay a LOT of profanities, it might be worth a few minutes to read Vikings’ punter Chris Kluwe’s full response to that idiot Maryland legislator who was upset about a Ravens player defending gay marriage.
For a small sample, the line of the piece just might be that “I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.”
(this being America, wonder who has the “lustful cockmonster” t-shirt franchise?)
http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-magically-turn-you-into-a-lustful-cockmonster-chris-kluwe-explains-gay-marriage-to-the-politician-who-is-offended-by-an-nfl-player-supporting-it?tag=chris-kluwe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Los Angeles jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 10, 2012
USC QB Matt Barkley on the NCAA sanctions: “People thought we were going to be a broken program for years and years. The institution tried to crush us, and we came out victorious.” Can’t imagine how the Trojans get their reputation for arrogance.
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Joe Biden referred to today’s GOP as “a different breed of cat.” Prompting demands for an apology from cat owners.
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Mitt Romney said in a speech today, that “I will not take God out of the name of our platform” and “I will not take God off our coins.” Shocking, with his mega-millions, Romney has ever looked at an actual coin?
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Question of the day. Is RG3 that good? Or is the Saints defense that bad?
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Shocking state of the week in college football – there are almost as many Pac 12 teams (5) as there are SEC teams (6) in the top 25.
(although in case any football fans fear this is a sign of the apocalypse , some order has been restored – Alabama and LSU are 1-2.)
Mitt Romney said this morning on “Meet the Press” that he liked and would keep some parts of Obamacare. Then later today he told the National Review his positions on repealing it hadn’t changed. Wow. I could never even change my Etch a Sketch pictures THAT fast.
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The New York Yankees are furious over a questionable game-ending call that one NY paper said could cost them the AL East. Well, that and the fact that a team with a $197 million payroll now isn’t outplaying one with a payroll of $81 million.
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Arkansas 31, Louisiana-Monroe 34, in overtime. Gosh, I hope the SEC doesn’t use this as an excuse to lower academic standards to attract better athletes.
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Paul Ryan says that Obama has “gone to great lengths to make oil and gas more expensive.” Yep, the President will stop at nothing to get re-elected.
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So wonder how long it will take Paul Ryan to accuse Barack Obama of keeping unemployment artificially high?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Romney jokes, Ryan jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 8, 2012
Oregon State beats #13 Wisconsin 10-7. Is it too late to take back that bump in the polls Alabama got for crushing Michigan?
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Scary thought of the day: Barry Goldwater would be too liberal for today’s Republican party.
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Although the league now has teams in four different time zones, the Big East will keep its name due to “brand equity.” Makes at least as much sense as politicians on their second and third wives defending marriage.
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The Nationals shut down Stephen Strasburg a start early, with Davey Johnson saying “I feel it’s as hard for him as it would be anybody to get mentally, totally committed in the ballgame.” Uh, by that standard, shouldn’t we also shut down the Red Sox?
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Good news for anyone tired of this Presidential election. It’s less than two months until November 7. When the 2016 campaign starts.
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Vladimir Putin, in a recent interview touching on the “Pussy Riot” situation, commented that “Some fans of group sex say that it’s better than one-on-one because, as with any collective work, you can skive off.” In related news, Bill Clinton just asked President Obama about being named ambassador to Russia.
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Tim Tebow is dismissing Santonio Holmes’ comment about Mark Sanchez being “rattled” by the Jets trade for Tebow. Right. Like Hillary wouldn’t mind hearing now that Bill wanted to hire more interns.
On Friday, Mitt Romney was already criticizing President Obama’s speech, though he admits not watching it. Can’t imagine how some people think Mitt acts like an expert on things he knows nothing about.
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Really? A Maryland legislator and pastor, Emmett C. Burns Jr, is attacking Ravens LB Brendon Ayanbadejo for supporting gay marriage – “appalled and aghast that a member of the Ravens Football Team would step into this controversial divide and try to sway public opinion.” Uh, where were his complaints on Tim Tebow?
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Baltimore and New York are now tied for first place in the AL East. Undaunted, the Yankees are reportedly making plans to buy the Orioles.
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Five players from DeMatha Catholic High School in Hyattsville, Md have apparently been dismissed for hiring prostitutes during a recent road trip. What, no teachers were available?
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Mitt Romney’s campaign announced they have purchased $4.5 million in new television advertising in swing states. By the time this election is over, swing state viewers will look forward longingly to used car and Viagra ads again.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 3 Comments
September 7, 2012
Until the election. And television viewers in non-swing states can go back not to seeing political commercials. Those in Ohio, Florida, Virginia, North Carolina…..etc, will be longing for used car and fast food ads. If they aren’t already.
The conventions are over. Which means real fans of hot air have to go back to the Weather Channel.
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To combine phrases from Joe Biden and Barack Obama, these days a sentence for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan is “a noun, a verb, and a tax cut.”
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Bill Clinton was magic Thursday night. On the other hand, he reminds many women of a charismatic but narcissistic ex-boyfriend. You see him again after years and you remember why he was so dazzling. But if he were to stick around full-time you’d probably remember why you got tired of his act.
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While it was a great speech, Bill Clinton did forget to thank Barack Obama for his favorite first-term accomplishment – having Hillary on the road for 351 days already as of July, 2012.
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After John Kerry mentioned her in a speech, Sarah Palin said she was surprised he knew her name. Interesting comment from a politician whose PR machine rivals the Kardashians.
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Bobby Valentine said in an interview that his first season in Boston has been “miserable.” Not half as miserable as for Red Sox fans who’ve paid money to watch it.
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Details, details… A new GOP ad has a frustrated former Obama supporter saying how disappointed she is. Only issue, the woman actually works for the RNC. (A big deal? Maybe, maybe not, but can you imagine if a Dem ad used a staffer who claimed she used to be pro-Romney?)
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After a report saying that 40-60% of Oregon football players smoked pot, the University is implementing random drug testing of all athletes. Got to love it, suspensions from the team start with the THIRD offense.
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A new toll road near Austin, Texas, will have a speed limit of 85 mph. Wonder how fast people can text while driving it.
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Mitt Romney said he wasn’t going to watch President Obama’s speech. Makes a certain amount of sense, he already had his rebuttal ready.
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A serious thought – “We don’t believe government can solve all our problems, but we don’t believe government is the source of all our problems.” Nicely said, Mr. President.
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From Marc Ragovin: Art Modell has died. For those too young to know who he was, he was the white, Jewish, Lebron James.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Clinton jokes, Democratic convention jokes, Obama speech, President Obama
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September 6, 2012
Overlooked Bill Clinton comment on Barack Obama’s bipartisan talents: “He appointed Cabinet members who supported Hillary in the primaries — heck, he even appointed Hillary.”
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A thought about our 24/7 modern electronic era. Wonder if Bill Clinton would have ever been elected if he had the ability to send pictures and text from a phone?
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Who’d have thought a generation ago that the Democratic party would turn out to have the best Bubba?
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Bill Clinton is hardly a poster child for being a good husband. But all sarcasm aside, after speeches like tonight’s, it’s not hard to see why Hillary has stuck with him all these years. A deeply flawed but fascinating man.
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Amazing to watch how much Paul Ryan and others in the GOP now profess to admire Bill Clinton. This warm fuzzy talk will last exactly until November 7, when they start running against Hillary for 2016.
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There were rumors that the Red Sox had fired Bobby Valentine today. So far those rumors are false. And frustrated Red Sox fans are thinking – “Good, if we have to put up with this mess through the end of the year, so do you.”
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The way the Orioles and A’s are streaking, the New York Yankees could actually miss the playoffs. Quick, how fast can Bud Selig add a third wildcard?
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All this commotion starting with Paul Ryan being upset about the fact that the word “God” originally didn’t appear in the Democratic Party platform. … But hey, another document that doesn’t use the world God? The U.S. Constitution.
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From Mark Ricklis: “Maybe Ly’in Ryan ran the Marathon so fast because he was on that High Fibber diet”
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Ann Romney said today that they haven’t led a “charmed life”, and that with MS “I know what it is like to have no hope.” I’m glad Ann’s disease is in remission. But how can her husband, with the best family healthcare money can buy, now want to deny the basics to the average American?
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San Franciscans who are also baseball fans would like to take a break from politics to extend a hearty thank you to San Diego and the Padres.
(who for non-baseball fan readers, have won two in a row from the Los Angeles Dodgers.)
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bill Clinton jokes, convention jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 2 Comments
September 1, 2012
So the GOP is done with their convention, and next week it’s the Democrats’ turn. Former President Bill Clinton is expected to play a large role this time around. Rumor has it he’s already volunteered to help the Secret Service with their advance scouting.
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Quote of the week?. “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts,” Some crazy Democrat? No, Karl Rove.
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In Texas, Allen High School has just opened $60 million double-decked stadium that seats 18,000 and features a 38 ft HD video screen. Wonder if it’s part of the school’s grand plan to apply to join the SEC?
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Meanwhile, not saying that #21 Stanford looked underwhelming in beating San Jose State 20-17. But the chair looked better against Clint Eastwood.
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Clint Eastwood was supposed to talk for five minutes. He talked for 11. Maybe the man Clint really should have been endorsing was Joe Biden.
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The happiest sentence at BCS headquarters this week – “Boise State is 0-1.”
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That “old retread” California Governor Jerry Brown, 74, said he ran 3 miles in 29 minutes this week. And challenged Chris Christie to a footrace. Now there’s a political contest I’d pay to see.
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Michigan star RB Fitzgerald Toussaint, arrested for DUI in July with .12 BAL, has been suspended for just 1 game after pleading guilty to a lesser charge. The charge – “operating a vehicle while visually impaired.” “While visually impaired?” And we thought some steroid excuses were creative.
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Mitt Romney was in Louisiana today, where the New Orleans levees so far have held. Wonder if someone warned Mitt it might not be best time or place to rail against what Government has built.
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Marco Rubio last night said that the GOP “chose more government instead of more freedom.” He apologized for the flub. But actually Rubio was being honest if you talk about marriage and women’s reproductive health….
From T.C. On 84 year-old Vin Scully, the voice of the Los Angeles Dodgers for the past 63 years, signing up for 2013. “That said, the Dodgers have listed him as day-to-day.”
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Despite just adding $262 million to their payroll, the Dodgers are 3-7 in their last ten games. l Not sure who first said money can’t buy happiness. But for right now Boston Red Sox and and SF Giants fans would beg to differ.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Akin jokes, Clint Eastwood jokes, convention jokes, Dodgers jokes, Isaac jokes, New Orleans jokes
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August 31, 2012
The GOP in the end got their convention in with minimal damage from Hurricane Isaac. And the Dems next week feel pretty sure no storm will damage their show. Heck, with Joe Biden big winds feel it’s a matter of professional courtesy.
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So the “mystery guest” at the GOP convention was Clint Eastwood. Guess Clint didn’t read what Republicans said about him after that that “Halftime in America” ad.
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Wrote this before, but… If Mitt Romney were somehow to win in November, Madame Tussaud’s will face a real challenge – how to make a wax figure of a wax figure.
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As Isaac moves on, looks like New Orleans, a very blue dot in a very red state, escaped with minimal damage compared to the conservative rural areas nearby on the Louisiana and Mississippi coasts. Waiting for the fire-and-brimstone sermons about God’s intentions on this one.
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New Orleans appears to have made it through Isaac with minimal damage. So on Saturday the Superbowl, instead of housing 20,000 refugees, will only hold several thousand folks who couldn’t find anything better to do than a Rutgers-Tulane football game.
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Some in the GOP are complaining about Chris Christie fast food and other “fat” jokes. Guess they forgot some of the humor includes recycled pre-heart-attack Bill Clinton jokes.
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Chad Billingsley may be out for the year. Bad news for the Dodgers. Good news for teams trying to dump pitchers signed to $100 million+ contracts.
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A new study found that extreme calorie restriction may not actually improve longevity. Well, and who wanted to live to be 100 and be hungry ALL the time anyway? –
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The NFL is starting Week 1 with replacement refs, leading many to worry that a mistake could be made that affects the outcome of the season. Like misapplying the “tuck rule?”
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An odd thought about Thursday’s GOP finale. So what happened to Hurricane Isaac? It delayed the convention, killed a few people and caused some serious damage in the U.S.. But not enough of a disaster to give Obama the chance to have a Presidential photo-op, so now not worth mentioning?
(Although let’s be fair, neither Louisiana nor Mississippi, the two hardest hit states, are swing states. If so Obama’s federal aid would have been in a close race with Romney’s “private” charities to show up to deliver aid.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP convention jokes, Hurricane Isaac jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 30, 2012
Former Notre Dame RB Allen Pinkett, commenting on recent player suspensions, said “I’ve always felt like, to have a successful team, you have to have a few bad citizens on the team.” Proven by all those Super Bowl trophies won by the Cincinnati Bengals?
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Monday night in Tampa, NJ Governor Chris Christie called California Governor Jerry Brown “an old retread.” Guess we can see why Christie wasn’t asked to introduce John McCain.
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An interesting thing about Chris Christie’s speech last night. For the first 16 minutes he mentioned Mitt Romney as often as he mentioned George W. Bush.
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Okay, two days into the GOP convention I think I’ve got this: America is in deep trouble, except in states with Republican Governors where everything is wonderful.
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Class, nothing but class. T-shirt at Ohio State: “I’d rather shower at Penn State than cheer for the Wolverines.”
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Fox News cancelled all Sarah Palin’s scheduled interviews during the Republican convention. Can’t wait to see, once Palin finally gets airtime, to see her again slam the liberal media…. Oops, never mind.
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New York GM Brian Cashman said he wasn’t surprised when Melky Cabrera, who he traded, and Bartolo Colon, who he let go, failed drug tests. Makes sense, Cashman figures that he and the Yankees never make mistakes.
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Mitt Romney just insisted on Fox News that “there was no reduction — not one dollar reduction — in taxes by virtue of having an account in Switzerland or a Cayman Islands investment.” Uh, if so, why would a smart man have the accounts in the first place?
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Gosh, this is serious. Hurricane Isaac has now caused LSU to cancel practice for their football season opener Saturday. Against North Texas. That might put the spread under 50.
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It’s been two weeks since Melky Cabrera’s suspension. Wonder how many actual websites have sprung up selling REAL tainted supplements? To serve as an excuse for the next guy.
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TC wonders, was it Hurricane Isaac that got the GOP convention rescheduled to the 19th century.
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Mitt Romney is considering a trip to the Gulf Coast after the convention. Where presumably Mitt will tell them they can fix and rebuild everything themselves, without asking for wasteful federal government help?
(Actually, as an act of private charity, I hear Mitt may show up to rescue stranded pets, with his ready-made car roof carrier.)
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All these people saying what a bad hand Snooki’s poor baby got dealt. But it could have been worse for the kid, he could have been born to a Kardashian.
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NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith says players may actually strike over replacement referees. And Jets fans who’ve watched preseason games are thinking “Oh, please, oh please…”
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Hurricane Isaac’s winds are down to 50 mph. Making the storm still more powerful than Barry Zito’s fastball.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, GOP convention jokes, Hurricane Isaac jokes, Republican convention jokes
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August 29, 2012
In Rick Santorum’s speect at tonight’s GOP convention, he said that we should elect Mitt Romney as president in order to stop an “assault on marriage and family.” Well, heck, if that’s his priority, why isn’t Santorum also pushing for a constitutional amendment against divorce?
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Whatever the damages from Isaac end up being, the storm is almost certain to raise gas prices. And former V.P. Dick Cheney said “See, it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good.”
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Mitt Romney pollster Neil Newhouse “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers.” Well, yeah, fact checkers use liberal commie-pinko stuff like math and science.
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From Gary M. “Mitt would attempt to cultivate a personality but thinks it would be too taxing.”
After tonight’s SF Giants web-gem. A 5-5-6 foul pop up out recorded by Pablo Sandoval and Brandon Crawford, seems pretty clear that the Giants are now the official MLB team of professional beach volleyball.
http://sanfrancisco.giants.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?c_id=sf&content_id=24286889&topic_id=11493214
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How does Mitt Romney expect to work with Congress if he can’t even work with Ron Paul delegates?
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ESPN has announced a new MLB contract for the next eight years. Eight years?!! That’s got to be at least 500 Yankees-Red Sox games.
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Mark Teixeira may be heading to the DL. Hmm, wonder which high-priced replacements might be available. Of course now the Yankees and Dodgers are like two rich women fighting over the last new Louis Vuitton handbag.
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Chris Christie bashed California Governor Jerry Brown yesterday. He must be upset at all those folks fleeing the Golden State trying to sneak across the borders to New Jersey.
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Down in Tampa, Rev. Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition is still supporting Todd Akin, and says he “would prefer Akin over any competitor in a political race.” Which gives Sheldon something in common with many Democrats.
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If Hurricane Isaac causes less than expected damage to Louisiana how long will it take for Governor Bobby Jindal to stop asking for more federal government money and start complaining again about excess federal government spending?
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Darwin award winner of the month: A Kalispell man was killed by cars that ran him over on the freeway, while, according to his friends, he was out there in a ghillie suit (3D military camouflage) attempting to provoke a Bigfoot sighting – to make people think they had seen a Sasquatch.
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Watching the hourly Isaac updates. Must say, in California we have our earthquakes but at least we don’t have to stress out for a week in advance anticipating them.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP convention jokes, Hurricane Isaac jokes, Isaac jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 27, 2012
Got to love it – as the GOP bashes government spending in Tampa, Louisiana Gov. Jindal is complaining that President Obama’s “limited federal declaration” of emergency doesn’t provide for reimbursement of all expenses that the state is taking to prepare for the storm. And Bobby a “full” declaration, which would mean more federal money…..
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Hoping Isaac bypasses New Orleans, or only brings some moderately heavy wind and rain. But if there is any damage, especially while the GOP convention is going on, got to figure President Obama will get to the city faster than a Drew Brees pass gets to a Saints receiver.
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There is some good news for the GOP with Isaac. The storm has temporarily stopped work on rigs that produce 24% of the oil in the U.S. part of the Gulf of Mexico. Meaning higher gas prices they can blame on Obama.
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With Isaac resulting in the cancellation of the first day of the GOP convention, Donald Trump’s scheduled “surprise” role has disappeared. Maybe even God has had enough.
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Mitt Romney is polling 0 percent with African-American voters. And the last poll had a margin of error of 3.1%. So he might be the first candidate to poll a negative number.
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The Los Angeles Yankees, er, Dodgers lost 10-0 today in Josh Beckett’s debut. And around Boston, the hills are alive, with the sounds of giggles.
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Here we go again. Pennsylvania Senate candidate Tom Smith was asked about what he would do if a daughter or granddaughter were to become pregnant as a result of rape. Smith said that a family memberr went through “something similar” to rape: “Having a baby out of wedlock.”
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The archbishop-elect of San Francisco was arrested in the wee hours of Saturday morning for alleged DUI in San Diego. The Vatican is just relieved there wasn’t an altar boy in the car.
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The Red Sox-Dodgers blockbuster deal is complete. Where was David Stern when we needed him?
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The New York Mets, despite their so-far miserable second half, say that Terry Collins’ job is safe. Translation, we can’t think of anyone else who would take on this mess.
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Penn State has banned ‘Sweet Caroline’ from football games because of the ‘touching me, touching you’ lyrics. Uh oh, hope no one tells the Stanford band before they play Notre Dame….
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Amongst Louisiana’s preparation for Isaac is the cancellation of classes for two days at LSU. “Bummer,” football players allegedly responded. “What’s class?”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP convention jokes, Hurricane Isaac jokes, Janice Hough, Los Angeles Dodgers jokes, New York Yankees jokes, Tropical Isaac jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 26, 2012
The Dodgers lost today, 6-2 to the Marlins. You know what that means – time to trade for another $200 million in new players.
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This just in, the Los Angeles Dodgers have offered Japan $100 million for a futures contract for Kotaro Kiyomiya.
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The Cowboys have ordained that Dez Bryant must follow some off-field rules, including not going to a strip club, while he is on the team. Let’s hope this doesn’t throw the Dallas area exotic dancing business into a recession.
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USC announced that CB Isiah Wiley has been ruled academically ineligible for the 2012 season and has lost his scholarship. This should send a strong message to other Trojan players – do NOT blow off that final exam for ballroom dancing class.
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T.O. has been cut by the Seattle Seahawks. And who saw that coming?
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If it were the Democratic convention that was postponed in Florida this week we’d be hearing nonstop from conservative preachers today how Isaac was an Act of God.
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At a rally today, Mitt Romney accused the Obama campaign of continuing “to stoop to such a low level.” And then presumably he closed with another birth certificate joke.
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Ron Paul said today of Mitt Romney: “I don’t fully endorse him for president.” Republicans are just glad Paul didn’t use the phrase “legitimate endorsement.”
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An SF Chronicle article on Florida voters quotes Jim Tornabene, 76, who says he’s a former Democrat, and a retired firefighter with a good pension. He’ll vote for Romney because “He’s a capitalist, and I support capitalism. It used to be the Democratic Party. Now it’s the welfare party.” Right, and I got MY pension.
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Meg Whitman has been CEO since Sept 2011 of HP, which just recorded a record $8.9 billion quarterly loss. Though Whitman says the company is in the “early stages of a turnaround” she expects to take 5-6 years. Not quite the timetable she and others have set for President Obama.
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Whatever you say about Paul Ryan as a running mate, I guess at least he doesn’t put Mitt Romney in a position of running with a politician from Florida or Louisiana, who this week might need to ask for federal funds and help to deal with Hurricane Isaac.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP convention jokes, Hurricane Isaac jokes, Los Angeles Dodgers jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 25, 2012
Upon the death of Neil Armstrong, the U.K Guardian referred to the Apollo 11 moon landing as “the moment of greatness” that “defined the American century.” And looking forward? Well, Snooki is in labor.
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Armstrong’s death also reminds me of the quote attributed to Casey Stengel, about the truly awful 1962 New York Mets….that “man would walk on the moon before the Mets would win the pennant.
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The headlines say that Tom Cruise got off cheaply in only paying Katie Holmes 400,000 a month child support. Thinking Katie feels she got off cheap in only having to stay married to him five years.
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Joe Biden has cancelled his campaign visits to Florida due to the imminent arrival of Tropical Storm/Hurricane Isaac. Insert “more than enough blowing hot air”” joke here:
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An RV bearing the slogan “Who’s Your Daddy” is functioning as a mobile clinic doing DNA paternity tests in New York City. Wonder how long until they get a sponsorship deal with the NBA?
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At this point the extended NFL exhibition season has taken out more players than the Saints’ bounties.
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Roger Clemens, 50, tossed 3 1/3 scoreless innings for the Sugar Land Skeeters tonight, adding fuel to the rumors that he will pitch at some point this season for the Houston Astros. Although actually what Roger probably really wants is to pitch AGAINST the Astros.
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With their trade with the Red Sox, the Dodgers have added another $261 million in payroll. Any truth to the rumor that Los Angeles’s 2013 uniforms will feature pinstripes?
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The Boston Red Sox are thrilled to have gotten rid of Josh Beckett. Republicans trying to figure out the process to put Todd Akin on waivers.
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Betty White said in an interview with People that her favorite foods are “hot dogs and Red Vines and potato chips and French fries. Maybe there’s something about those preservatives.
From Marc Ragovin: Jennifer Garner recently referred to husband Ben Affleck as “walking testosterone.” In a related development, Affleck has announced that he is quitting acting to become the San Francisco Giants’ new left fielder. . . .
And an actual serious link below, though it might seem like a joke. An op-ed from Charlie Crist, the former Republican governor of Florida. Guess there’s not any chance he’ll be a surprise speaker at the GOP convention.
http://www.tampabay.com/opinion/columns/obama-is-right-leader-for-our-times/1247631
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, GOP convention jokes, Janice Hough, Neil Armstrong jokes, Red Sox jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 25, 2012
You cannot make this “stuff” up: Lynyrd Skynyrd is performing at the GOP convention. The band’s latest album? “Last of a dyin’ breed.”
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Jerry Nelson, who voiced Count von Count on Sesame Street, has passed away. He was 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16….76, 77, 78 years old.
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Todd Akin said again today he is staying in the Senate race. I’m waiting for him to say his rape comment was a “legitimate” mistake.
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The Los Angeles Dodgers may get Josh Beckett, Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez from the Boston Red Sox. Performance enhancing? Maybe. Payroll enhancing? Definitely.
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If Josh Beckett ends up with the Dodgers, Los Angeles will assume the two years and $31.5 million remaining on his contract. Wonder if that includes a beer and chicken stipend.
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My friend Michael passes on this tweet from an unknown source…”if Magic takes Beckett from Sox he will be more popular in Boston than Larry Bird”
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Houston owner Jim Crane said he was open to the idea of Clemens rejoining the team, even at the age of 50. Will Roger ever be a major league pitcher again? Probably not. But he might be good enough for the Astros’ rotation.
Wonder if the Tour de France is going to find the best “clean” rider to declare the winner for the years Lance Armstrong won. And if so does the kid still even have his his “Big Wheel?”
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Senior LB Storm Klein who was dismissed from Ohio State following a domestic violence charge, was reinstated by Coach Urban Meyer after pleading guilty to a reduced charge of misdemeanor disorderly conduct. And who saw that coming?
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Campaign quote of the day: “Big business is doing fine in many places. They know how to find ways to get through the tax code, save money by putting various things in the places where there are low tax havens around the world for their businesses.” Obama again? No, Mitt Romney, at a fundraiser.
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Mitt Romney campaigning in Michigan today said “No one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate.” True. But no one’s now asking to see Barack Obama’s tax returns.
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Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 65, got the win for the independent San Rafael Pacifics last night, and became the oldest pitcher ever to win a professional baseball game. And he still probably throws harder than Barry Zito.
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Footage has surfaced of Ryan Lochte with Prince Harry in Las Vegas. Not playing strip billiards, but having a 3am swimming race. Now that the video’s out, wonder if the hotel’s already cleaned the pool?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, GOP convention jokes, Red Sox jokes, Romney jokes, Urban Meyer jokes
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August 24, 2012
Rush Limbaugh is now accusing President Obama of creating hurricane warnings to disrupt the GOP convention in Tampa next week. Of course, if the warnings were for Charlotte before the Dem. convention Rush would say Obama was creating them as a distraction from his record.
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Tropical storm and potential hurricane Isaac may actually wreak havoc on Tampa and thus the GOP convention. Republicans say, however, that the show will go on. In fact, they’re thinking of offering Todd Akin a special speaking slot – somewhere outdoors.
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Now Ann Coulter is calling Todd Akin a “stupid swine.” Give the guy credit, he’s the first Republican both Coulter and Palin say has gone too far.
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While we get over Prince Harry’s “scandalous” behavior, a Valedictorian of a small Oklahoma school is being denied her diploma because she said the word “Hell” in her speech, and won’t apologize to the school board. Sigh. Well this was a country founded by Puritans.
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The USADA said they will strip all seven of Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France titles after he dropped his fight against drug charges. Uh, can they actually name ANY potentially clean winner those years? It’s enough to make you long for the purity of pro wrestling.
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Yikes. Three Tampa Bay Rays’ minor-leaguers have been suspended 50 games for methamphetamine. Wonder if they were just using, or trying to supplement their single-A salaries?
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A Utah school board overrode a student vote choosing the “Cougars” as their new high school mascot because they said it would be insensitive to women. Really? Waiting for someone to say the board’s choice, “Chargers,” is insensitive to people who overuse their credit cards.
(Curiously enough, the BYU mascot is Cosmo the Cougar. Uh, isn’t that doubly insensitive. Not just the reference to older women dating younger men, but also the name of a slutty magazine…. (in Utah anyway.)
Gold medal gymnast Gabby Douglas threw out the first pitch at the Thursday’s NY Mets game. Her throw was close to a strike, prompting many fans to wish the team would sign her to a contract.
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Prince Harry is back home in London after his adventures in Las Vegas. And once again, many 40 and 50 plus Americans can thank their lucky stars they came of age before the era of camera phones.
Amazing. Barry Zito with 8 scoreless innings for SF Giants against Atlanta Braves Thursday night. And getting strikeouts with pitches slower than most cars on California freeways.
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If Zito used PED’s would his pitches break glass?
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This “bus to hell” moment brought to you by T.C. from B.C. ” The LPGA is in town this week for the Canadian Open. All the local Korean restaurants are booked solid. One owner said, “It’s a real dog eat dog business.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Akin jokes, GOP convention jokes, Hurricane Isaac jokes, Lance Armstrong jokes, Prince Harry jokes
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August 22, 2012
A NY tennis referee, 70, has been arrested and charged with beating her husband, 80, to death with a coffee mug. Starbucks immediately issued a statement. “Coffee mugs do not kill people. People kill people.”
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The Phillies gave out Hunter Pence bobbleheads Tuesday, even though Pence is now with the Giants. Well, as these things go, they’ll be better received than “Got Melk” shirts in S.F.
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More “stuff” you can’t make up: An anti-Obama session at the GOP convention will be titled “We Built This.” The session will be held at the Tampa Bay Times Forum arena, built in 1996 with 62% government money.
Derek Jeter laughed off suggestions that he is using PED’s at 38. Which probably means one of two things – either he’s clean. Or he’s sure he’s too smart to get caught.
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The SF Giants have “Star Wars Day” on September 3. Let’s hope that between now and then that the Force isn’t classified as a PED.
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Sarah Palin has finally semi-weighed in on Todd Akin, say she understands “that he doesn’t want to be perceived as a quitter, but you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them.” Well, no one has ever accused Palin of waiting too long to quit.
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One fan yelling “Let’s Go Dodgers” in the bottom of the 8th. Not saying where he wants them to go.
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The Mets have shut down Johan Santana for the rest of the season. Frustrated Mets fans shrugged, figuring the rest of the team shut down over a month ago.
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Bartolo Colon’s comment after his 50 game PED suspension: “I accept responsibility for my actions and I will serve my suspension as required by the Joint Drug Program.” Did Colon know his fake website wasn’t ready?
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That deafening silence you heard Wednesday morning in the SF Bay Area is coming from formerly smug A’s fans.
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The SF Giants have cancelled a September giveaway for Melky Cabrera jerseys. Understandable. But it would have been fun to see what creative uses fans could have found for them.
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Other than the Ryan Braun case, MLB supposedly doesn’t release the names of players who test positive if their appeals are successful. So were Colon and Cabrera the only players caught this month, or did others have better lawyers?
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Michael Baumgartner, a Senate candidate in the state of Washington, sent a reporter an email ending “Go F*** Yourself.” Leave the profanity out if it, putting that in writing makes him too stupid to be elected.
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Regarding those naked pictures of Prince Harry in a Las Vegas hotel room: I think we can all be happy that those publicized cell phone conversations between Charles and Camilla didn’t happen on a camera phone.
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According to a soon to be released study, 6% of Americans have used cellphones to send a nude or semi-nude photo. And 15% have received such a sext. That Brett Favre sure is busy.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bartolo Colon jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, PED jokes, steroids jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 