Posted tagged ‘SF Giants jokes’
May 31, 2012
Mack Wolford, 43, a “serpent-handling” West Virginia pastor, died after his rattlesnake bit him during a church ritual. He had told the Washington Post in 2011 that he watched a snake kill his father in the same ritual 28 years ago. Not sure if Darwin is laughing or crying.
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Some said Jesse Orosco only stayed in the big leagues because he was a left-handed pitcher who could consistently get Barry Bonds out. In the same vein, the Diamondbacks’ Paul Goldschmidt has to be wishing Tim Lincecum pitches forever to give him the same opportunity. Goldschmidt has 12 HRs in his career – Four are against Lincecum.
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So when Mitt Romney did a fundraiser with “birther” Donald Trump, he said he didn’t always agree with his supporters and vice-versa, but he needed that 50.1%. Now, President Obama actually quit Jeremiah Wright’s church, but nonetheless by that standard is Romney saying attacks by his SuperPACs linking Obama and Rev. Wright are off limits?
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Despite the SF Giants-LA Dodgers rivalry, most San Jose residents don’t seem too upset about the Kings being in the Stanley Cup finals. In fact, when asked how they feel about Los Angeles winning the NHL championship, the most common response from Northern Californians was “Los Angeles has a hockey team?
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Steve Spurrier is now proposing that college athletes in revenue-producing sports, such as men’s basketball and football, be paid “approximately $3,500 to $4,000” on top of their scholarships to cover living expenses. And SEC players howled – “No way are we taking that pay cut.”
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Who says there’s no sympathy between rivals in baseball. Los Angeles Dodgers star Matt Kemp left tonight’s game after re-aggravating the left hamstring that put him on the DL already this year. And the SF Giants and their fans are saying to him “Hey, take care of yourself, rest, and for heaven’s sake don’t rush back.”
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This John Edwards jury deliberation is lasting longer than one of John’s $400 haircuts.
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Donald Trump has tweeted “What could be better than dinner with @MittRomney and me?” Well, for starters, a root canal.
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SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh said the 49ers always wanted to keep Alex Smith, and regarding their “pursuit” of Peyton Manning: “It’s phoney, even the perception we were pursuing him. We were evaluating him.” Sounds like the same rationale some married men use while chatting up young women in hotel bars.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Dodgers jokes, SF Giants jokes, snakes jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
May 8, 2012
The CIA apparently has thwarted a second airline underwear bomber. Let us all pray that doesn’t mean another item we need to remove at TSA checkpoints….
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If they do start checking out underwear I see new career opportunities for some of those furloughed from the Secret Service.
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Researchers at Duke University said that by 2030, 42% of Americans will be obese. And most people who’ve been to Disneyland or U.S beaches in the past couple years responded – wait, that many aren’t already?
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A New Zealand study predicts that robot-human marriage is in our future. Who’d a thunk it? Ann Romney – trendsetter.
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SF Giants have committed 33 errors, most in the majors. As the manager in Bull Durham said “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball.” Is the 2012 team motto “Two out of three ain’t bad?”
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Not a good day for the Giants all around. As reliever Guillermo Mota was suspended 100 games for a banned substance. Considering that his ERA is 5.06, maybe Mota’s defense is that with a 5.06 ERA whatever he was taking sure wasn’t performance enhancing.
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Morning headline: “Stocks waver on Europe jitters.” This isn’t a stock market, it’s a financial remake of “Groundhog Day.”
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Cole Hamels after he hit Bryce Harper “I was trying to hit him, I’m not going to deny it.” Forget being suspended for throwing at the rookie, Hamels should be suspended for being stupid enough to admit it. –
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(The postscript, , MLB suspended Cole for five games. Which with the Phillies’ schedule means that Hamels will be back just in time for his next scheduled start. Yeah, that’ll teach him.)
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The San Antonio Spurs swept the Utah Jazz in the first round of the playoffs. And this year for the Spurs has been their usual mix of team play, little media attention, and no tabloid drama. Are we sure they really are part of the NBA?
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The South is different. Apparently a South Carolina driver was ticketed for “an obscene display” for having replica testicles on his bumper. Well, the state is so conservative I’m amazed they don’t consider an Obama bumpersticker an obscene display.
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Following an April boycott initiated by the Catholic League, Delta Air Lines has pulled their sponsorship from Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show” Makes sense, with all the pilots they’d had arrested for DUI’s Delta needs passengers who pray a lot.
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A new study indicates that people who have depression symptoms in middle age may be at increased risk of dementia decades later. Great, one more thing to be depressed about.
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Former Saints lineman Anthony Hargove apparently said in his statement that he was told to “play dumb” about the bounty program. Telling an NFL player to play dumb? Now there’s a stretch.
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This story from Kissimmee, Florida, not far from my high school – A 28 year old former teacher is being accused of having her 16-year-old student pulled out of class and then leading him to a closet to have sex. Once again, evidence of why we shouldn’t have heterosexuals allowed in the classroom.
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Open note to the San Francisco Giants: To win a game it is generally advisable to score more runs than you commit errors.
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John McCain said that the overriding reason he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate was her qualifications. And millions of voters said “Yikes, he’s older than we thought.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cole Hamels jokes, Mitt Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes, TSA jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 17, 2012
Secret service men screw around, football players try to injure each other. Next thing someone will be trying to tell us is that there are still performance enhancing drugs in baseball..
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Lincecum 0-2 after another really rough first inning. Is prescription medical marijuana allowed by rules of MLB?? Let Timmy smoke!
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Mitt Romney, in an interview with Diane Sawyer, was asked about putting his dog Seamus on the car roof, specifically “would you do it again?” His response “Certainly not with the attention it’s received.” In other words, “Well maybe, if I could figure out how to do it with no one finding out.”
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New Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine said this weekend that he didn’t think Boston fan favorite Kevin Youkilis was “as physically or emotionally into the game.” What’s next? Valentine saying he loves and respects the Yankees?
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The Patriot-News in Harrisburg, PA won a Pulitzer for local reporting for breaking the Penn State sexual abuse scandal. Wonder if the Pulitzer people will wait 10 years to give them the award.
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Vin Scully, 84, has recovered from his severe and is back in the booth at Dodger Stadium. He hopes to call all the team’s remaining home games, especially the upcoming May 11-13 Rockies series, when he can see that “nice young man” Jamie Moyer pitch.
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Mitt Romney this weekend said that “Fox News has been good to me.” In related news, a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon.
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SF Giants have signed Madison Bumgarner to a contract extension through 2017. By the time the contract is up MadBum will almost be old enough to drink.
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Got to love the San Francisco Giants’ Madison Bumgarner, 22, from a small town in North Carolina. Asked what he was going to do with all that money after signing a 5 year $35 million contract, he paused, and then responded. “I don’t know. Maybe buy more cows?.”
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The silly season continues. The Wisc. Democratic Party. has filed a complaint alleging Mitt Romney violated bribery laws in handing out free sub sandwiches during the GOP primary while encouraging people to go vote. (The law forbids gifts valued at more than $1 in exchange for a vote.) Romney is laughing it off. But if the Obama campaign starts giving out food, prepare for a Congressional investigation.
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Notre Dame has long had an agreement with IMG radio for national broadcasts of all their football games. Now USC announced they have the second such national deal, with ESPN Radio for all of the Trojans’ home games. Once again, can’t imagine how student-athletes get the idea college football is about money.
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This whole Secret Service scandal came to light over one man not paying his hooker the $47 he owed her. $47?!! This story may not do much for the reputation of the Secret Service, but it’s likely to do wonders for Columbian tourism.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Let me get this straight. A secret service agent hires a Columbian hooker, brings her back to his sleazy hotel room, has sex with her, cheats her out of her fee and then lies about it. Here is my question: why isn’t this guy a politician? He’s a natural.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: marijuana jokes, Romney jokes, secret service hooker jokes, secret service jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 8, 2012
Nervous times in heaven today, as they hear the words “Mike Wallace is here to see you.”
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A number of tributes to Mike Wallace, after he died today at the age of 93. Including one from Larry King, saying that he was “a dear & wonderful friend.” And no doubt King added privately ‘And so sad, to die so young.”
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The MS Balmoral cruise ship left Southampton April 8, 100 years after the RMS Titanic, with an announced plan to retrace the original route of the doomed ship. Well, one hopes not the EXACT route.
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On the Balmoral and other Titanic themed cruises, they will recreate menus from the original ship. Presumably women will be encouraged not to skip dessert.
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If anyone heard that the pitching-rich but offense-poor San Francisco Giants had scored 4, 4 and 6 runs in three games this weekend against the Arizona D’backs, the logical conclusion would have been that they won about two out of three at least…..
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So the SF Giants’ hopes of not starting 0 and 4 rest on the left arm of… Barry Zito?!!
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Yikes, Red Sox going to end up putting a keg in the bullpen after today. How do you blow a three run lead in the ninth and a two run lead in the eleventh, in the same game?
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The Mets are 3-0 and the Yankees are 0-3. And today in Hell, the ice skating is great.
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Tampa Bay Rays payroll at $64 million is about $4 million less than the New York Yankees are paying Texeira, A-Rod, and Jeter. Just sayin’.
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With Cain and Zito, the San Francisco Giants have the best paid #3 and #4 pitchers in baseball.
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Newt Gingrich said his campaign is “a little less” than $4.5 million in debt. And this is a man who is criticizing President Obama’s spending?
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Masters galleries were so white I almost expected to see a GOP debate break out.
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Say what you will about Tim Tebow’s sermon this morning. At least it’s nice seeing an NFL player make offseason headlines for something not involving a police press conference.
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And finally, Happy Easter Monday. In some countries it’s a major holiday. In the U.S.A. it’s mostly known as “Happy Half Priced Chocolate Bunny Day.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Mike Wallace jokes, Red Sox jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
January 18, 2012
Last week Jon Huntsman called Mitt Romney “unelectable” and “out-of-touch.” This week he endorsed him for President. I know Jon’s a Mormon but he changed his estimation faster than a man at a singles bar at closing time.
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Passengers on a BA Miami to London flight were awakened at 300am by an automated message saying “This is an emergency announcement. We may shortly need to make an emergency landing on water.”
A a cabin crew member had pushed the wrong button. Wonder if the employee might be terminated. If so, they are likely to get a job offer from Costa Cruise Lines.
But come on, really? You try to delete spam or a pop-up ad sometimes and get the response “Are you really sure you want to delete this message,” Or “Are you really sure you want to navigate away from this page?” Doesn’t it seem like there should be a “Are you SURE you want to push this button?” message.
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Dwight Howard has now apparently added the Clippers to his trade wish list. Wonder how long it will take Jack Nicholson to apply for season tickets.
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Highly-rated QB prospect Gunner Kiel has enrolled at Notre Dame, after first committing to Indiana, and then LSU. Who’s Kiel’s role model? Brett Favre?
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Celebrity chef Paula Deen announced she has Type 2 diabetes. For anyone who’s followed her cooking show or her books, there’s just one question – “What took so long?”
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High school QB Gunner Kiel, rated #2 in the country, has now committed to three different colleges. Now, former top prospect Andrew Luck called his own plays. Don’t think this will happen with Kiel. Coaches will have to figure he’ll never decide what play to call.
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Nick Montana, son of Joe, is transferring from the University of Washington to a junior college, in hopes of eventually finding another four year school where he can play more. And the BCS still says it’s all about protecting the “student-athletes.”
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n Santa Rosa, California, a police sting caught 9 people driving away from the courthouse, out of 18 who had JUST been told by a judge not to drive. Along with the original charges will the police add enhancements for stupidity?
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A final written tally of the Iowa caucus votes will be released Friday, and it turns out Rick Santorum may have actually beaten Mitt Romney. Who did the original counting? Rick Perry?
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The SF Giants have signed Pablo Sandoval to a 3-year contract. The contract is guaranteed unless the Panda does anything dangerous, like motorcycling, mountain climbing, or getting within 50 feet of a Taco Bell.
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Mitt Romney said today that he most of his income comes from investments (makes sense, since he’s been running for President for the last eight years) and currently pays taxes “close to the 15% rate.” 15%. Yeah, I can see why he thinks he needs a tax cut….
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More Romney: In discussing his probable 15% tax rate, he said it is because he has mostly investment income, adding “I get speakers fees from time to time, but not very much.” Last year, Romney earned only $374,327.62 in speaking fees. Can’t imagine how Mitt gets the image of being out of touch.
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A new PPP (Public Policy Polling) poll shows President Obama leading Mitt Romney 49-45. Now polls can vary but one interesting side note: Romney leads by 6 points with men, but Obama leads by 14 points with women. (Comments on this one especially encouraged.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, cruise ship sinking jokes, election jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, primary jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 28, 2011
The Wild Card races will come down to the wire Wednesday. The question of the day, can the Braves and Red Sox unwind the wire from around their own throats?
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The SF Giants’ Conor Gillaspie’s first major league home run was an inside the park shot that included him falling down rounding third. Making it both an ESPN “Top 10” AND “Not Top 10” play.
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This next may only make sense to frustrated SF Giants fans (which may be redundant in 2011):
Brandon Belt got his first “Splash Hit” (A home run that clears the fence straight into the water) for the Giants Tuesday night at A T & T Park.) Guess that means manager Bruce Bochy will bench him for Wednesday’s finale.
And as my friend Daniel Silveira added “Well, they would have sent him back to Fresno for one more stint at AAA, but the season is over. So, the human yo-yo gets a break.”
(For those who haven’t watched the Giants much this year, a disturbing pattern was to give veterans chance after chance, while rookies not only were on short leashes, they were often benched or sent down even after good games.)
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An Emory University student from New York has been arrested and charged with taking the SAT exam for at least six students attending a top Long Island private high school. The student was alleged to have made between $1500-2000 per test. The most shocking part? No football or basketball players appear to be involved.
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Michael Vick claims he won’t be complaining about not getting calls from referees anymore. Translation, Vick just figured he might like to get a call go his way sometime in 2011.
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The Braves lost again Tuesday night to the Phillies. With the Cardinals win this now meansa a tie for the NL Wild Card. How bad has it been? This Braves team in late September has become the most unwatchable thing for Atlanta fans since Ted Turner used to make out with Jane Fonda in the owner’s box.
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The Dow roller coaster continues, with the market up over 300 points at one point on Tuesday. Meanwhile, the top headline story on Cnn.com all day? The opening arguments in the manslaughter trial of Michael Jackson’s doctor.
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Baylor QB Robert Giffin III now has has passed for more touchdowns (13) than incompletions (12.) Well, at least Peyton Manning in 2011 may also end up with no more incompletions than touchdowns.
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Lebron James is headlining a charity basketball game in Miami next month. And who knows better about charity than Lebron? In fact he’s going to play the whole game like it’s the fourth quarter.
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Southwest booted actress Leisha Hailey off a plane for kissing her girlfriend. Meanwhile, millions of men tried to figure out how to book themselves on the couple’s next flight.
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Andy Rooney, 92, said he will deliver his 1097th and final essay for “60 Minutes” this Sunday. Responded many Americans – “Andy Rooney’s still on ’60 Minutes?'” Responded Americans under 30 – “Who’s Andy Rooney?”
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College Republicans at Berkeley had an affirmative action bake sale where women and minorities paid a lower price than white men. So when is the follow up bake sale? Where minorites and women pay more, because parents and rich mens alumni groups subsidize prices for the white male students?
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This passes for a short quote from Joe Biden. Heck anything under a novella is a short quote from Joe Biden but I like it:
When asked on “the View” about the gay soldier being booed. “I did have a visceral response to it,” I’m not sure if it’s because my son spent a year in Iraq. And I know my sons and all the kids with them — kids, they’re grown men — I don’t think they give a damn whether the guy firing a rifle to protect them is gay or straight. I don’t think they care about that. Look this kid risked his life. This kid is there for them. And I, quite frankly, I thought it was reprehensible.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Atlanta Braves jokes, Berkeley bake sale, playoff jokes, SF Giants jokes, wild card jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 27, 2011
First announced promotions of 2012 for MLB. The Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves plan to offer their fans free lessons in the Heimlich maneuver.
Another possible giveaway deal next year at Fenway Park. Free Red Sox neckties to the first 20,000 adults. Pre-shrunk.
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How bad is the Red Sox collapse looking? Even Babe Ruth is watching from somewhere thinking “Dudes, don’t put this mess on me.”
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And for all those people thinking that extra wild cards would make the game more interesting, think about this. If MLB had two wild cards in each league, the Red Sox and Braves could have it on cruise control. (Of course, they have have done that regardless.)
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Rex Grossman’s fumble with 28 seconds left sealed the Redskins loss 18-16 Monday night against the Cowboys. On the other hand, for the first time in months, he did give Washingtonians a serious bipartisan target.
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My friend Lindol pointed out that the Winklevoss twins now have a gig as spokesmen for pistachios. Is this really wise? Does the pistachio industry really want to reinforce their image as expensive and overvalued nuts?
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Ozzie Guillen announced that tonight was his last game managing the White Sox. Not sure how the team took it, but Chicago beat writers who are always in search of good quotes are said to be inconsolable.
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Marlins manager Jack McKeon, 80, says he will retire again after the end of the season. He did say that maybe he will come back in a few years, to go after Connie Mack’s record of managing at the age of 87. McKeon especially hopes he has another chance to manage that “nice young man, Jamie Moyer.”
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Meanwhile, the Marlins are finally playing their last games in Sun Life stadium. Wednesday will be Fan Appreciation day.And the team will apparently have nice prizes for both of them.
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Sesame Street is planning to include science lessons in their upcoming season. Or as Rick Perry would call that “more liberal theories.”
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Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. Guess he figures who better to defend marriage than someone who’s had three of them.
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The power of incumbency. No one knows for sure if President Obama will be re-elected. But stranger things have happened. Today SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy announced the team planned to re-sign their hitting coach.
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Magazine subscription offer from Vanity Fair (no joke) $12 for 12 issues. Plus $3 shipping. Really.
Uh, isn’t the point of a subcription getting magazines mailed to you? Wonder what would happen if you offered to come pick each issue up?
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C.C. Sabathia is 19-8, with an ERA of 3.00. The SF Giants have three starters with lower ERA’s, and none with more than 13 wins. Lincecum, 2.74, 13-14, Vogelsong, 2.81, 13-7, and Cain, 2.88, and 12-11.
So yes, good pitching may beat good hitting. But good pitching is wasted with zero hitting.
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The Senate just reached a bipartisan agreement to end a dispute over disaster relief spending. Translation, sounds like they figured out that despite the best efforts of some to interpret God’s will, natural disasters this year have happened in both red and blue states.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Boston Red Sox jokes, Braves jokes, Congress jokes, Red Sox jokes, SF Giants jokes, wild card jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 23, 2011
The Romney-Perry feud is growing. The subtitle of this GOP Primary may be “There ain’t enough hair gel in this town for the two of us.”
Two new polls apparently show former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman climbing into double digits in New Hampshire. Is that double digits in percentage terms, or in absolute numbers of voters?
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Mitt Romney bashed Rick Perry tonight about allowing illegal immigrants to pay in-state tuition rates at the Texas universities. Many Texans agree with him – there’s no way such students should get such a break – unless they can run really fast while carrying (or chasing someone with) a football.
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The audience at tonight’s GOP debate in Orlando jeered loudly when a videotaped question from a gay soldier was asked about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Wonder how many of those presumably straight people booing would volunteer to go to the Mideast to take the young man’s place?
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You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Quote from Mitt Romney today “We ought to provide help to the people who have been hurt most by the Obama economy. And that’s the middle class, It’s not those at the very low end; it’s certainly not those at the very high end. It’s for the great middle class — the 80 to 90 percent of us in this country.” As Tonto said “Who’s ‘we’, white man?”
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Rough day for the market. Many stocks were falling faster than the Braves and Red Sox’s playoff hopes.
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This item sent in by “ifollowsports.com’s Jon Rapoport: Carlos Beltran, overheard leaving the Giants team hotel in Los Angeles to meet with his agent Scott Boras “We’re meeting to figure out which team we will rob.”
Beltran’s joke would be funnier if it weren’t true. But that would presumably let the Giants out, because they have learned from their contract disaster with Zito. So besides Barry, they really aren’t on the hook to any aging, useless players. Well, except Aaron Rowand ($14 million) and Aubrey Huff ($11 million.) Okay, never mind.
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This week many Americans changed their relationship status with Facebook to “It’s complicated.”
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Manny Ramirez was told he cannot play winter ball in the Dominican Republic because he is on MLB’s inactive list for his most recent suspension. So Manny told ESPNdeportes that he will formally request reinstatement. Which means he is un-retiring and says he will be available for any MLB team. “Atta boy,” said Brett Favre. (Or after the pregnancy hormone test, “Atta girl?”)
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Meg Whitman has been named the latest CEO at HP. Counting interim CEO Cathie Lesjak, she will be the fourth CEO in a little over a year. Well, it’s tough, but Meg may have found a more dysfunctional operation to head than the state of California.
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The NFL fined Chargers DT Antonio Garay $15,000 for his below-the-knee hit on QB Tom Brady last Sunday. $15,000?! To potentially knock a star player out for the season? Cheap at the price. If the NFL really wants to stop this they should suspend dirty hitters for as long as the player they hit ends up on the disabled list.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP debate jokes, Manny Ramirez jokes, Rick Perry jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 13, 2011
What got hit harder? That football Sebastian Janokowski kicked for a 63 yard field goal? Or the Dolphins secondary against the Patriots?
517 yards in the air for Tom Brady Monday night for New England. It’s the most success Brady’s had completing passes since he got Bridget Moynahan pregnant while dating Giselle Bunchen.
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Eight-run outbursts on back-to-back days at A T and T Park. If this continues warrants will be issued for eight men impersonating the SF Giants’ lineup.
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From Russell Young – Better Brandon Crawford than Orlando Cab-error.
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The Boston Red Sox have lost 10 of their last 13 games, and are now 4 games behind the Yankees, and only 3 games ahead of the Rays for the wild card. “Hell, yeah, you’ve got to panic,” said David Ortiz . Oh, “STFU” said fans in SF, St. Louis, and Chicago.
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According to police, Manny Ramirez was arrested and charged with battery Monday after a domestic dispute at his Florida home. Wonder if Manny’s defense will be all those raging pregnancy hormones?
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Ted Ginn Jr. agreed to a reducted contract with the SF 49ers, and had one of the best games of his career, returning both a kickoff and punt for a touchdown. This might be the NFL’s best performance of the year after a paycut. Well, except for Cam Newton’s 422 yards passing after he left Auburn for the Carolina Panthers.
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Cargill Inc. announced their second recent ground turkey recall. Apparently a test showed salmonella in a sample from the same Arkansas plant that produced the turkey recalled last month. So where are the GOP candidates today complaining about over-regulation and demanding cuts in the FDA budget?
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At the GOP debate tonight, when Ron Paul was asked “What do you tell a guy who is sick, goes into a coma and doesn’t have health insurance? Who pays for his coverage? “Are you saying society should just let him die?”, several members of the crowd yelled out “Yeah.” This might be the final nail in the coffin for George H.W. Bush’s “kindler, gentler nation.”
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A 290-pound New York man is suing the White Castle hamburger chain for violating his civil rights by not making their booths bigger to accommodate large bellies. Uh, maybe he could eliminate the problem by eating a few less hamburgers?
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Texas Governor Rick Perry wrote an editorial about Social Security for USA Today in which he didn’t once mention the term “Ponzi scheme.” Translation – some one on his campaign staff told him he probably can’t win without Florida.
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Although “Contagion” led the box office last weekend it was a particularly weak few days for the theaters. Can’t imagine why…. Millions of Americans are feeling nervous about the anniversary of 9/11, and the big new movie is about a virus that may wipe out the world?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Brady jokes, GOP debate jokes, Monday Night Football jokes, Rick Perry jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 9, 2011
Who knew T.S. Eliot was a Giants fan?
My friend Matt wondered if the SF Giants have faced Clayton Kershaw every series this year. Not sure, but they sure have made at least one pitcher each series LOOK like Clayton Kershaw.
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Recently released Giants shortstop Miguel Tejada says he hopes to keep playing baseball in 2012. San Francisco fans hope so too, preferably for another NL West team.
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Jim Tressel has been suspended for his first six games with the Indianapolis Colts as a game-day replay consultant. Well, considering the news about Manning, looks like he won’t miss too many potential touchdown reviews.
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Proof again that it’s better sometimes to be lucky than good. Think of all those NY Giants fans who in fits of bravado bet at the end of last season that Eli Manning would have more passing yards in 2012 than Peyton.
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Another day, another reasonably embarrassing performance by a Pac 12 team. Last night it was Arizona losing 37 to 14 to Oklahoma State. No wonder Texas and Oklahoma want to join. They want games with intra-conference cream puffs.
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Attention baseball fans. Root for the Angels-Rangers pennant race to go down to the last weekend. Because otherwise ALL we’re going to hear about in upcoming weeks is who the Yankees and Red Sox match up best against in the playoffs.
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Great bumper sticker: “How can you be pro-life and anti-universal healthcare?”
Justin Verlander is having one of the best pitching years of the decade. 22-5 with a 2.44 era. Imagine if he were pitching for the SF Giants this year – he might have as many as 12 or 13 wins.
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Interesting stat tonight on KNBR 680 radio: If the SF Giants finish this year with a winning record, (they are currently 75-68), they are on pace for the fourth worst total of runs scored EVER for a team that finishes over .500. Including the dead ball era.
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Can’t imagine how lefty pitchers get the reputation for being flakes — Giant reliever Jeremy Affeldt is done for the year after cutting his right hand while using a knife to separate frozen hamburger patties. (You do think for $4.5 million a year the guy could afford fresh meat….)
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: SF Giants jokes
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September 5, 2011
A new L.A. Times poll shows that Rick Perry and Mitt Romney each have 22 % support in a survey of 1,508 registered California Republicans. Ron Paul has 11 %, Michele Bachman has 10%, and Newt Gingrich has 6%. If my math is still any good that means “None of the above” is still leading at 29%.
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Give Sarah Palin credit. In her latest speech she not only went after President Obama, but also her Republican rivals. Palin ripped their continual fundraising, calling it “corporate crony capitalism.” And for more details, she suggested that listeners buy her books.
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Before Sarah Palin’s speech in Iowa, comedian Eric Golub talked about Palin’s son Trig, adding “the left should worship Sarah Palin and adopt her as one of their own. Because the leftist haters are an entire political ideology of special needs children.” Now, I’m usually anything but PC, but can you imagine the GOP reaction if anyone had made a joke like that about “rightist haters” before a Democrat’s speech?
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Any SF Giants fans who have forgotten what scoring looks like should have tuned in ESPN Sunday night baseball, Tigers against White Sox. Detroit got 18 runs. 16 of them by the sixth.
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It wasn’t so much the weekend as the weeks before that made all the games “must wins.” If T.S. Eliot were a Giants fan this year he would have said “August was the cruelest month.”
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Mitt Romney is the son of a Governor, a former Governor himself, and so far an unsuccessful candidate for the U.S. Senate (1994) and the Presidency (2008). Yet in a Tea Party speech he called himself an “outsider.” Outside of what? The realm of plausibility?
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Before Sarah Palin’s speech in Iowa, comedian Eric Golub talked about Palin’s son Trig, adding “the left should worship Sarah Palin and adopt her as one of their own,”Because the leftist haters are an entire political ideology of special needs children.” Now, I’m usually anything but PC, but can you imagine the GOP reaction if anyone had made a joke like that about “rightist haters” before a Democrat’s speech?
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The SF 49ers signed rookie quarterback Scott Tolzien off waivers from San Diego today. Is this part of new coach Jim Harbaugh’s potential ABS strategy? (Anyone But Smith?)
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There are increasing rumors that Chris Christie might jump into the pool of GOP Presidential candidates. Talk about a potential tidal wave.
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Dick Cheney said Sunday that if Hillary Clinton were in the White House, “perhaps she might have been easier for some of us who are critics of the president to work with.” Of course, some would say that if Cheney hadn’t been in the White House, Obama would have had fewer problems to work with.
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From T.C. A Chinese group is negotiating to buy the Dodgers. Gone will be Dodger Dogs and Budweiser, to be replaced with Dodger Dim Sum and Tsingtao Beer. The new mascot will be named Ping Pong Panda.
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It’s only fair in some ways that a Chinese group buys the Dodgers. We’ve been buying junk from China for years.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: GOP primary jokes, Mitt Romney jokes, Sarah Palin jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 3, 2011
On a positive note for Northern California sports fans, Stanford’s football team kicks off their season today against San Jose State. And considering the way the 49ers and Raiders are playing in the pre-season, the Cardinal just might be the best team in the Bay Area.
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Meanwhile up in Eugene: QB Jeremiah Massoli was booted in 2010 after a burglary arrest, RB LaMichael James was suspended the same year over a domestic violence charge, and now QB Cliff Harris has been suspended after he was cited for driving 118 mph (and telling a state trooper on tape “there’s no marijuana, we smoked it all.”) Isn’t it time to rename the team the Oregon Bengals?
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Boise State will be without three starters for their season opener against Georgia, pending a review of those players’ NCAA eligibility. Yep, looks like the Broncos have made it to the big time.
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George W. Bush declined to criticize Dick Cheney’s book saying simply “I’m glad members of my family are giving their version of what it was like to serve our country.” Translation – “does anyone REALLY think I’ll read the thing?
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The post office is going to come out with a Ted Williams stamp. All paper cuts from licking the stamp will presumably only come from splendid splinters.
(Or as my friend Alex Schubert says, from ice crystals.)
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Sarah Palin is planning a major speech to a Tea Party rally in Iowa, which amongts other things, will be a “sharp indictment” of President Obama. Well, of course, amongst his other failings, Obama has gone past the halfway point of his term without quitting.
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GOP Candidate Ron Paul is lagging in the polls. Friday in New Hampshire he invited staffers and reporters to join him on a bike ride. During the ride, 76 year old congressman wore shorts. Please, no one give this idea to Newt Gingrich.
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For some time now, savvy travelers from the U.S. to Canada have known they could check a bag for free by booking the identical flight as Air Canada instead of their code-share partner United. Today the two carriers streamlined their policies – Air Canada will start charging too. Yeah,corporations are people. Greedy people.
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Derek Holland of the Texas Rangers has been averaging more than 7 runs of support a game when he has taken the mound in 2011. That background sound you hear is SF Giants pitchers quietly sobbing.
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Actually, the Giants, in their first game of September with the expanded rosters, actually scored some runs and beat the Arizona Diamondbacks 6-2.
Bringing up the question, why didn’t manager Bruce Bochy take a page from “50 First Dates” and set the clubhouse calendar to Sept 1 weeks ago?
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The NCAA punished UConn’s mens basketball team for rules violations and poor academic performance with a loss of scholarships. But now that star recruit Andre Drummond has at the last minute decided to skip prep school and join the Huskies, another player gave up his scholarship for him. Well, at least Drummond will only need the scholarship for a year.
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Here’s a potential solution to the “One and Done” issue in College Basketball. (A variation on the baseball model which says that college players must stay three years.) A school can give a scholarship to any star, even one they don’t think will stay. But that scholarship can’t be used again for three years, whether he leaves for the NBA or not.
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Former OSU coach Jim Tressel was just hired by the Indianapolis Colts as a game-day consultant to help determine when the team should challenge plays. Wonder if the Colts will pay him in memorabilia and tattoos?
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My friend Mark Brickman said of the current Congress: “They wouldn’t save their own mother if it somehow benefited the President.” Well, I think actually they might. But they would blame whatever put her life in danger on Obama.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bush jokes, college football jokes, Janice Hough, NCAA jokes, Oregon jokes, Ron Paul jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 31, 2011
When the SF Giants lost a number of close games on a recent road trip, some fans said, “Cheer up, it could be worse. And the team is coming home to play the Astros and Cubs, two of the worst teams in baseball.”
They were right. It could be worse. And it is worse.
When the Arizona Diamondbacks were in a slump, manager Kirk Gibson cancelled batting practice. Maybe the SF Giants should try the same thing. Not like the batting practice is helping anyway.
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How bad are things going for the SF Giants this month? Their fans are getting sympathy cards postmarked from Wrigley Field.
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Scary statistic for SF Giants fans. Carlos Beltran since the trade has 4 RBIs total. Shortstop Brandon Crawford, now back in the minors, did that his first day in the majors with a grand slam.
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An SF Giants employee was charged with embezzling $1.5 million from team payroll accounts. Apparently the team frowns on taking money without earning it. Unless you signed a free agent contract.
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These days opposing pitchers worry about facing the Giants the way the Lions worried about facing Christians.
The NCAA has punished current University of Miami football players implicated in the benefits scandal. They were all ordered to repay the improper benefits, but four were cleared to play, and four others must just sit out the first game against Maryland. No word on on what kind of ruler the NCAA used to slap the players’ wrists.
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Jeremy Shockey apparently saved one of his new Carolina Panthers teammates from choking today. Shame he couldn’t have saved the Saints last year from choking in the playoffs against the Seahawks.
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Bill Littlejohn’s take on the same story: “Jeremy Shocky helped save a teammate that was choking on a piece of meat by dislodging it from his throat. Bruce Bochy immediately sent for him to perform the same maneuver on Giants’ bats”
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Despite being bashed by Dick Cheney in his memoirs, John McCain took the high road and “From time to time, we have had differences, as is typical for anyone in public life. I wish the Vice President well and that he remains in good health.” (Rumor has it McCain then quietly added “It’s amazing that modern medicine allows for people to live now without either a heart or a brain.”)
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With Texas A & M apparently on the way out of the Big 12, the conference will be looking for new members. If they want a team whose talent level would fit in well, may I suggest the SF 49ers?
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Organizers for a tea party rally in Iowa Tuesday blamed an
“internal miscommunication over the event’s schedule” resulting in their rescinding a speaking slot Tuesday for former GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell. The organizers also blamed random chance for two of them discovering they had been turned into toads.
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Now that the rape charges against him have been dropped, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who always maintained he was simply a scumbag, not a rapist, is considering a run for the Presidency of France. And some are not ruling him out. Meanwhile, the French may be getting a dual citizenship request, from Bill Clinton.
Tim Pawlenty apparently quit the GOP Presidential race after the Iowa straw poll because his campaign was already heavily in debt. Over six months before the primaries even started. And T-Paw was running as someone who could fix the U.S economy and balance the budget…..
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cheney jokes, Clinton jokes, San Francisco Giants jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 30, 2011
Not saying things have gone from bad to worse with the San Francisco Giants. But their lineup was just declared eligible for federal disaster relief.
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SF Giants star prospect Gary Brown was named the Calfornia League player of the week, going 17 for 30 at the plate for San Jose. Trying to remember the last time the SF Giants got 17 hits in a week….
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Randy Wells of the Chicago Cubs had a 5.53 ERA this year and had never thrown a shutout in his professional career. Tonight he tosses complete game two hit shutout against the San Francisco Giants. What more do you need to know about the Giants’ 2011 season?
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SF Giants are hoping to improve their woeful offense when rosters expand Sept 1. Wonder if any of the stars from the Huntington Beach Little League World Series champions are available.
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Anyone else notice that headlines indicating “Hurricane Irene wasn’t nearly as bad as expected” usually translate to “New York City didn’t get much damage?”
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No, it’s not your imagination, those lines and hold times are getting longer:
According to the NY Times, quoting Federal Transportation statistics, U.S. airlines had 637,000 employees in 2001 but only 474,000 in June 2011.
But in the airlines’ defense, they say that of those employees who work in reservations, at least a dozen speak English.
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ABC News reports that Warren Jeffs, the polygamous sect leader and convicted child rapist, is in a coma and may not survive. “That’s really a shame,” said absolutely nobody.
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The new lineup is out for “Dancing with the Stars.” Two names on the list: Kim Kardashian’s brother Rob, and political pundit Nancy Grace.
So we are about to find out the answer to that rhetorical question – “Could reality TV possibly get any more annoying?”
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My friend Andy reports a sighting in Columbus, of an Ohio State t-shirt stating “WTF” on the front. And “Lost the vest, still better than the rest” on the back.
“Lost” the vest? At OSU? Nah, sold it more likely. Or traded it for tattoos.
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A male fan was knocked unconscious when he fell in a stairwell at Rangers Ballpark. Many have assumed it was alcohol related but the Texas Rangers for now are not giving out any information. Of course, this is the team formerly owned by George W. Bush. It could have been a pretzel.
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Michael Vick and the Philadlephia Eagles have apparently agreed to a six-year, $100 million contract. Wonder how much that is in dog years.
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This just in: Michele Bachmann’s campaign now says she was only joking when she described Hurricane Irene the D.C earthquake as a warning from God.
This also just in: God says He was only joking when he sent us Michele Bachmann.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: DWTS jokes, Michael Vick jokes, Michele Bachmann jokes, San Francisco Giants, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 29, 2011
Open note to anyone who stumbled upon this blog looking for Hurricane Irene jokes. I live in Northern California (hence the “Left Coast”) And normally I write jokes primarily about sports, politics, but also current events and some pop culture craziness. Feel free to stop by again anytime. Janice Hough.
Now back to the jokes.
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First reports on Hurricane Irene in New York. An expensive mess, but underwhelming considering its original potential. Sort of like the 2011 Mets.
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As Hurricane Irene slammed into New England, really surprised not to hear any GOP candidates chastising President Obama for not being brave enough to have stayed in Martha’s Vineyard.
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From CNN.com “About 2,500 people who defied mandatory evacuation orders were stranded on Hatteras Island (N.C.) after pounding surf washed over dunes, covering roads with water and sand. The flooding cut off the island from the mainland.” I have some sympathy for these idiots. But not very much.
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If the country wants to avoid future damage, they should name the next potential big storm “Hurricane Giants.” That way it won’t hit anybody.
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Whatever you say about the “Boys from the Bronx.” they are a big attendance draw. And the Baltimore Orioles, who lost a big crowd for a game this weekend due to Hurricane Irene, have rescheduled a game with the Yankees to Sept. 8. NY has not yet agreed, possibly in hopes of never having to play the game. Apparently the Orioles have forgotten a cardinal MLB rule – “It’s the Yankees world, we just live in it.”
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Regarding that 22-9 victory by the New York Yankees last week against the Oakland As, my friend Bill Littlejohn commented: “The last time the Yankees had three grand slams in one day: “The morning David Wells ate breakfast at Denny’s.”
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An apparently drunk Russian woman started performing erotic dances on a British Midland flight from Moscow to London last Friday. The plane returned to the airport and the passenger was taken to a hospital for observation. In the U.S., airlines would have levied an extra charge for the inflight entertainment.
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Texas Gov. Rick Perry, an outspoken critic of the Federal Government, is running to be its leader. Makes about as much sense as having Bristol Palin lead an abstinence movement.
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Dick Cheney said his memoir would cause ‘heads to explode” in Washington. Colin Powell today responded. “My head isn’t exploding. I haven’t noticed any other heads exploding in Washington.” Well, the former V.P. is getting up in years. Maybe Cheney confused his writing abilities with his hunting abilities.
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Former Secretary of State Colin Powell accused former Vice President Dick Cheney of taking “cheap shots” at him and others in his new book. But maybe what Powell should have said is “We all know how accurate Cheney is with his shots.”
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Open note to Bay Area football fans. Our area is known for great food, quirky people, and is used to natural disasters. So for anyone who watched the 49ers and Raiders this weekend looking for less tortuous alternatives, may I suggest temporarily adopting the New Orleans Saints? (Black and gold actually combines half the Raiders and half the 49ers colors.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cheney jokes, hurricane irene, Janice Hough, jokes about hurricane irene, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
August 28, 2011
Hurricane Irene has brought more quiet and dread to New York than Phil Hughes coming in to pitch for the Yankees.
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James Carville said in a post for CNN.com that there is some “weather-related” Darwinism with hurricanes. What he meant is that the weaker trees are blown down while the stronger trees survive. Of course, this Darwinism also applies to those people who ignore evacuation orders.
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FEMA announced Saturday they are completely prepared and ready to assist with earthquake relief on the East Coast.
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Hurricane Irene has already been blamed for massive and potentially long-term power losses in the East. SF Giants fans are wondering, did we miss a hurricane at A T and T Park earlier this year?
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Many were worried after last week’s shootings and violence during the Raiders-49ers game at Candlestick Park. But fortunately, aided by a large police presence, there were no serious incidents at Saturday night’s game.
On the other hand, unfortunately the S.F. Police Department had much better results than the 49ers.
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Alex Smith tonight for SF 49ers. 2 for 6 for 17 yards. 13 yards lost on sacks. Let the Andrew Luck chase begin.
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From my friend Nick Coombs, a transplanted Californian now living in Madison: “On behalf of everyone in Wisconsin… I’d like to thank the 49ers for passing on Aaron Rodgers for Alex Smith.”
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As scary as it sounds with both teams playing against opponents from Houston the SF Giants offense (2 runs in ten innings) outscored the SF 49ers offense tonight. (SF’s only points – a touchdown scored on interception.)
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Sometimes a headline enough is enough to declare another Darwin award winner. As in this one about a Hurricane Irene death – “Huge waves kill surfer in Florida.”
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Botox has now been approved to treat urinary incontinence. Wonder how? Maybe by making your face so rigid you can’t open your mouth to drink much liquid?
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A positive NBA story for a change. During the lockout, the Warriors’ Stephen Curry is finishing up his undergraduate degree at Davidson. Curry is enrolled full-time this fall and is working on his senior thesis. Many of his fellow NBA players are wondering “What’s a senior thesis?” Others just wonder, “What’s a degree?”
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And a non-positive “bus to hell” thought from T.C. “Former Washington Wizards player, Javaris Crittenton, who made headlines last year by bringing in a gun into a locker room, has been charged with murder. The woman he allegedly gunned down on an Atlanta street was not even his intended target.
His shooting percentage on the street isn’t any better than it was with the Wizards.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: hurricane jokes, irene jokes, Janice Hough, San Francisco 49ers jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 27, 2011
And you are on the East Coast, congrats. You still have power.
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On his Friday radio show, Glenn Beck called Hurricane Irene a “blessing,” saying it would teach people to be prepared for disasters. New Yorkers angrily responded “We’ve learned that from the Mets bullpen.”
(for AL fans and Yankees haters, substitute “Phil Hughes” or “A.J. Burnett” for the “Mets bullpen”.)
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Hurricane Irene heading towards D.C. this weekend. Washington bracing for female fury like they haven’t seen since Hillary used to catch Bill sneaking in late.
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A-Rod met with MLB officials about the alleged illegal poker games, but said he does not expect to be suspended.
If Rodriguez is caught again while he is still playing for the Yankees, the officials said there will be serious consequences – as in they will be “really really angry.”
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Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter have broken up. Guess the Yankees weren’t alone at this point in being reluctant to sign a long term contract with him.
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Reversing his earlier statement that it was a state’s rights issue, Gov. Rick Perry has signed a pledge to back a federal constitutional amendment against gay marriage. Who’s going to be the first candidate with the cajones to sign a pledge saying he/she won’t sign any more pledges?
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While some are already preparing to blame things like gay marriage for Hurricane Irene heading for the Northeast, I must have missed all the same conservatives talking about the D.C. earthquake’s epicenter being in Eric Cantor’s district.
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Lefty Eric Surkamp starting today for SF Giants. In AA he has about 150 strikeouts to 40 walks. Which sunds like most of the Giants’ hitters.
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And okay, Giants fans, a little background on this new pitcher Eric Surkamp. As a “Flying Squirrel” in AA Richmond he had a 2.02 ERA with 165 ks to 44 walks. And in 14 at bats, he had 4 hits and 3 RBIs. Surkamp’s making his first start tomorrow. But heck, bat him cleanup.
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Goshen College, a small Mennonite school in Indiana, has banned playing the U.S. National Anthem since it is “too violent.” Wonder what would ever happen if a French group visited the school – their anthem contains a line that translates – “March on, march on, their impure blood will water our fields.”
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An arrest warrent has been issued for senior LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson. The Cincinnati Bengals just asked if it was too late to take him in the supplemental draft.
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LSU QB Jordan Jefferson has been suspended after his arrest on battery charges for allegedly kicking someone in a bar fight. During the investigation police confiscated 49 pairs of shoes from Jefferson’s apartment. 49 pairs of shoes?! At Miami they are thinking “Those LSU boosters are pikers.”
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As the “body count” grows for NCAA players suspended for the year for various offenses – legal and academic – here’s a suggestion: Can Aladdin Bail Bonds sponsor a post season “All-Star Probation” bowl?
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Former Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel said that former Buckeye QB Terrelle Pryor will always have his support. Makes sense, when he played at OSU Pryor worked as hard for his pay as anyone.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Hurricane irene jokes, irene jokes, Mets jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
August 26, 2011
First an earthquake, now an oncoming hurricane. The headline for this week in D.C. might be “God is coming and She is pissed.”
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Irene may actually end up staying at hurricane force through much of New England. Which means it’s a good thing neither Rick Perry nor Mitt Romney have outdoor events scheduled in the Northeast this weekend.
Otherwise it could be tragic, both of them might need to publicly comb their hair.
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Keppinger, Sandoval and Belt are the exceptions. But otherwise with the SF Giants’ lineup they might as well rename A T and T Park to Jurassic Park. Because it houses a bunch of dinosaurs.
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Here’s a story that everyone but Yankees fans will enjoy. Star pitcher Jared Weaver signed a contract to stay with the Angels for the “discounted” price of $85 million over five years. When he could have had well over $100 million as a free agent. Weaver’s explanation “If $85 [million] is not enough to take care of my family and other generations of families, then I’m pretty stupid.”
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Looks like Danica Patrick is finally making the move from Indy cars to NASCAR. Another step towards broadening her claim to being the Anna Kournikova of car racing.
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Fred Couples has decided to add Tiger Woods to the 12-man President’s Cup team, saying “He’s the best player in the world forever.”
In related news, Brett Favre asked Couples if he’d consider being on the Pro Bowl selection committee.
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In case anyone still has any doubt that it’s all about winning, note the fact that there seems to be more criticism about Tim Tebow as an NFL quarterback, than about Michael Vick.
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This story’s not getting better. Now a witness says she saw LSU starting QB Jordan Jefferson kick someone in the face during a bar fight that injured four people last week. Maybe Jefferson’s trying to get his felonies out of the way BEFORE he joins the NFL?
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Sarah Palin issued a statement criticizing the media speculation regarding her intentions about the presidential race. Karl Rove responded by accusing Palin of having “thin skin.” Really? Next Rove will observe that President Obama might be black.
GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said in N.H this week this young people should study harder, and learn that esteem comes from “living with integrity and getting married before they have kids.” Well, if Romney gets the nomination, at least Americans probably don’t have to worry about another V.P. run from Sarah Palin.
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In the category of “You might be white trash if…” A couple was arrested in Pennsylvania for allegedly shoplifting more than $1,000 in food from a supermarket for their wedding reception that afternoon. (Have to wonder, what were the guests told when they showed up?)
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From Bill Littlejohn: Only 347 people showed up for the first game of the doubleheader between the Marlins and the Reds at Sun Life Stadium.In fact, Libyan rebels were seen searching the upper centerfield bleachers for Moammar Gadhafi”
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But really, 347 fans? Really? This isn’t a major league baseball ballpark, it’s a witness protection program.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Jared Weaver, Marlins attendances jokes, Marlins jokes, Palin jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
August 17, 2011
TLC is cancelling “Kate plus 8.” Guess the show’s title got too close to describing the remaining number of viewers.
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The San Francisco Giants injury list continues to grow. Not to say they are a team that might have been relying too heavily on aging veterans, but the only good news today was that some of the medical bills may be covered by Medicare.
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Meanwhile, across the pond, apparently new evidence has surfaced that Rupert Murdoch’s son James lied about not having seen emails regarding the phone hacking scandal. Who does James think he is? A U.S. college football coach?
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The University of Miami football booster scandal may end up being the biggest so far of this century. (No joke, over 70 athletes involved, for now.) And in the “you cannot make this ‘stuff’ up dept, former Miami AD Paul Dee, who was in charge during the period of allegations, was the NCAA Committee on Infractions chairman who banned USC for two years over the Reggie Bush and O.J Mayo cases.
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The latest contender for the Washington QB job is John Beck (who?); Beck will apparently start Friday and get a chance to compete with Rex Grossman. Good thing President Obama only has to try to fix the economy to get re-elected, instead of an impossible project like fixing the Redskins.
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Self-described Elvis fan Michelle Bachmann just asked a crowd in South Carolina to wish Presley a Happy Birthday. Except that Aug 16 is not his birthday, but the day he died. (August 16, 1977, our head cashier at Farrell’s in Orlando called in sick when she heard the news.)
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Regarding Michele Bachmann’s wishing Elvis Presley a happy birthday today. If Elvis wasn’t dead the thought of his woman becoming President just killed him.
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Researchers in England have found evidence that caffeine might protect against certain skin cancers. Either that or spending all your time in Starbucks and other coffee houses means you never get out in the sunlight.
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Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell now says she regrets her “I’m not a witch” ad. Not sure if that’s because it cost her votes, or because the witch’s union threatened to revoke her membership.
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Alas, Molly Ivins isn’t around to cover the current state of politics in this country, but I do think the times call for reviving some of her quotes – starting with this one:
“Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachmann jokes, Elvis jokes, Janice Hough, Kate plus 8, Molly Ivins quotes, NCAA football jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 15, 2011
Just wondering, all these folks saying it’s God’s will that they run for President. Well, if God really does weigh in on these matters, I’m waiting for the first person to acknowledge God told them to sit down and STFU.
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Tim Pawlenty on Sunday dropped out of the Presidential race. Thus surprising millions of Americans who didn’t know he was IN the Presidential race.
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From Marc Ragovin: After finishing way out of the running in the Iowa straw poll, Tim Pawlenty said that he was dropping his presidential bid and would throw his support behind the eventual GOP nominee. That’s like the Clippers announcing that they are ceding five minutes of practice time to the Lakers.
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Keegan Bradley has won the PGA championship in a playoff. Even Scott Verplank and Steve Stricker are going, “Who?”
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The Southeastern Conference decided not to expand for football at this time and said they will not be adding Texas A and M. Maybe they’re holding out for a team that might be a better fit – the Carolina Panthers.
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Sarah Palin doesn’t seem too thrilled by Rick Perry’s decision to run for President: ““I was quite sure he wasn’t going to run because he was quite adamant about it about four months ago. Evidently, he evolved in his thinking.” Okay, political junkies, this might be the first time Palin acknowledged the concept of evolution.
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The San Francisco 49ers are now reportedly even looking at Daunte Culpepper at QB. Stay tuned, how long can it be until Harbaugh puts in a call to Brett Favre?
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Maybe the SF Giants are finally learning: Sometimes what you really need to complete an ensemble is a good Belt.
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Michele Bachmann stated today “I haven’t gone one place in Iowa or South Carolina or New Hampshire where anyone said, ‘Please raise my taxes.” Fair enough, but has she gone anywhere in any of those states where they said “Please cut my services, my Medicare or my social security.
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Since SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy was running out of players, in the ninth inning he ordered reliever Santiago Casilla not to swing (lest he risk hurting himself.)
Casilla walked on four pitches. Maybe Bochy should issue the same order to some of his struggling position players.
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A friend of mine got a suggestion from Twitter to follow Snooki. Wow. Snooki can write?
(and count to 140?)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachmann jokes, GOP jokes, Palin jokes, Pawlenty jokes, presidential campaign jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 