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In the bag?

November 28, 2011

For their environmentally conscious fans, this Christmas season, the 49ers are now putting their logo on a reusable shopping bag. Apparently the sack can be used at least nine times.

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All these pundits saying how much better the SEC is than the Pac 12. Well, in that case why don’t some SEC teams schedule regular season games against some Pac 12 teams on the West Coast for the “easy” wins and the bragging rights….? (Heck, there isn’t even a scheduled bowl game with a SEC-Pac 12 matchup.)

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6-6 UCLA will go to the Rose Bowl if by some miracle they upset Oregon next week. And 7-5 Louisville is still alive for a major bowl bid as potential Big East champions. Wonder if they call them BCS bowls because NCAA basketball nixed the term “January Madness?”

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On the other hand, it’s not just the BCS that can mess up college football. The newly expanded Pac 12 has their first championship game next weekend. Because of the conference divisions, it will pit 11-1 Oregon against 6-6 UCLA. Yes, those same Bruins who warmed up for the game by losing to USC 50-0.

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In that 50-0 loss, the Bruins wore white. Wonder if the uniforms were made of used flags?

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NASA’s Mars rover “Curiosity” lifted off today on a two-year mission to Mars looking for signs of potential life. If successful, “Curiosity” will next look for signs of life with Mitt Romney.

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President Obama went shopping with his daughters at two local small bookstores in Washington, DC today. Waiting to see which GOP candidate will be the first to claim that buying books is elitist.

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One of many silver linings from the NBA lockout. Fans of the Clippers, Wizards and Raptors probably won’t have to watch their teams lose 50 games this year.

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And the real reason the NBA settled their lockout in time for Christmas games? The players couldn’t face the thought of having to decide which of their families to spend the holidays with.

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Slip sliding away.

November 13, 2011

Well, the high wet grass was SUPPOSED to help Stanford tonight. Instead their BCS title hopes and maybe Andrew Luck’s Heisman hopes went slip sliding away.

(It’s as if Oregon had the right cleats and the Cardinal didn’t. And then there was their inability to hold on to a wet football. Stanford played like they had never been in damp weather before. It’s not rocket science, and they’re supposed to have the rocket scientists anyway.)

But ever onward.

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As far as the team really “Sucking for Luck” can I nominate his Stanford teammates?

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Open note to Stanford fans who saw tonight’s ugly game and thought “Most embarrassing week ever.” There’s a lot of folks who would trade places with us in State College.

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The best news for the BCS. After today there’s much less chance of the Stanford band getting to take on Penn State in the Rose Bowl.

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Cam Hutchinson on the Penn State mess: “Joe Paterno was fired as the football coach. When asked how he felt about it, the 84-year-old Paterno said, ‘I coached football?'”

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Another serious thought about this Penn State mess and the alleged coverup that went far beyond State College. Jerry Sandusky was considered a great defensive coordinator and potential head coach. But after he resigned in 1999, no university offered him a job. This in a sport where Rick Neuheisel, Lane Kiffin, George O’Leary had no problem getting rehired after scandals….

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Hugh Hefner apparently told an interviewer that Lindsay Lohan will be “fully nude” in Playboy magazine’s Jan-Feb issue. And that the spread will be “classy, very classy.” This might be the first time in recent memory that Lohan and “classy” have been used in the same sentence.

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In tonight’s GOP debate Jon Huntsman made a calm statement about avoiding a trade war with China, and also said “We diminish our standing in the world and the values that we project, which include liberty, democracy, human rights and open markets, when we torture. Waterboarding is torture. We shouldn’t torture.” If the man gets any more reasonable he’ll be polling in negative numbers.

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Meanwhile, when asked about his many flip-flops, Mitt Romney replied “I think people understand that I’m a man of steadiness and constancy.” Is Mitt counting on the fact that most Americans may not understand the meaning of three syllable words like “steadiness” and “constancy?”

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NBA commissioner David Stern is blaming “greedy” NBA agents for trying to scuttle a new labor deal. Right, as opposed to all those benevolent billionaires who just have the players’ best interests at heart.

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That story of former porn star Sasha Grey reading children’s stories to first graders in Compton, CA is still generating some anger. Mostly from fathers who weren’t notified in advance and given a chance to attend.

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Rick Perry did better at tonight’s GOP debate. But he didn’t get a chance to say what he really wanted -the three reasons he is still the best candidate. The Texas Governor planned to explain both of them.

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Pop goes our culture.

November 8, 2011

Shocking news in the Conrad Murray trial. When a celebrity is involved, I didn’t think it was possible to find someone guilty of murder or manslaughter in Los Angeles.

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Some think this verdict will mean celebrities won’t be able to get anyone to over-prescribe medications for them anymore. Right. It probably does mean they may need to pay such a doctor even more money.

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Let’s hope Murray’s time in jail doesn’t overlap with Lindsay Lohan.

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Hugh Hefner says that Lindsay Lohan’s photo spread in the upcoming January-February issue will be a “classic tribute inspired by Marilyn Monroe.” With all due respect, the only comparison most people draw between Marilyn and Lindsay is that they doubt Lohan will make it to age 40.

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Although at this point they’re laying odds in Vegas. Which will last a shorter time. Lindsay’s next jail term or Kim Kardashian’s next marriage.

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K.D. Lang says Justin Bieber looks “Just like a lesbian.” And most lesbians responded “Please, we have better haircuts.”

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NBA Commissioner David Stern says that if the union doesn’t accept the owners’ latest proposal they will only get a worse one and that “the only rational thing” for them to do is to make the deal. Sigh. I guess on some level it’s fun watching the 1% battling with the 0.1%.

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The Kardashians are now being accused of selling a line of handbags in Australia -the “Kardashian Kollection”, that are actually knockoffs of several famous designer brands. Gosh, marriage is one thing, but who’d a thunk the Kardashians would fake anything as serious as a copyrighted handbag?

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There were long lines Monday on opening day at “Resort World,” New York City’s first casino. Well, other than Wall Street.

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This Penn State controversy is disgusting. But really, is anyone who has followed the “win at all costs” mentality in college football shocked that so many people high up in the athletic department basically tried to sweep the story under the rug, or as it were, the turf?

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Okay, we may have found a sleazier job than being Michael Jackson’s doctor – being Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer.

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And this joke inspired by a conversation with Alex Schubert. In Joe Paterno’s defense, although he was in his late 70s when he heart about the allegations, the Penn State coach did try to alert the police. But they couldn’t read his smoke signals.

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Apparently Herman Cain has raised over $2 million in the days since this sexual harassment story first broke. Just think how much Cain could have raised if he’d been accused of something like murder.

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A new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll shows 54% of GOP primary voters say allegations of sexual harassment against Herman Cain will not affect how they vote. These voters are called “men.”

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One of the scariest things about this whole Herman Cain business, on top of the Weiner business, and the Edwards business, etc, etc.. is that you just know there are politicians out there, on both sides of the aisle, who are continuing on with whatever indiscretions they were up to before, and figuring THEY are too smart to get caught.

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Actually in all seriousness, (for a change) why didn’t someone tell Herman Cain the smart response last week would have been “Hey, like a lot of men I figured I was wittier and more charming than I was. I realized I might have offended some women and I am sorry and I have learned. And if there was anyone else I upset by my actions, I apologize to them too.” End of story.

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The San Francisco Giants traded mercurial left-handed Jonathan Sanchez to the Kansas City Royals for Melky Cabrera. Well, if Sanchez gets his head together, the Royals could have a new pitching star, otherwise, well at least it’s likely their beer sales will go up.

(Actually, maybe the Giants should have traded Sanchez to the Red Sox. At least that way he’d give his fellow pitchers an actual reason to drink.)

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Games people play.

October 14, 2011

Herman Cain is now the GOP Presidential frontrunner?! But let’s be fair. With the love and affection most Republicans feel for Romney, Stephen Colbert could announce his candidacy tomorrow, and vault over Mitt in the polls by next week.

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Anita Perry on her husband Rick: “He is the only true conservative – well, there are some true conservatives. And they’re there for good reasons. And they may feel like God called them too. But I truly feel like we are here for that purpose.” Gosh, listening to Anita, it sounds like she’d fit right in if she herself decided to join the GOP field running for President.

So now there are rumors Herman Cain stole his 9-9-9 tax plan from the video game SimCity. Big deal, for years there have been rumors that Mitt Romney stole his style from one of his granddaughters’ Ken dolls.

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Not even Al Davis’s death put him on the cover of Sports Illustrated. But Al would probably have approved. Wouldn’t want anyone to jinx his Raiders.

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Hank Williams Jr. is trying to shop his “All My Rowdy Friends” song to other networks. Maybe he should try to shop it to the Red Sox for their clubhouse.

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NBA Commissioner David Stern says that the labor dispute is now threatening Christmas games. The potential horror. Millions of families may be actually forced to talk to each other.

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Tough times for Mitt Romney. It’s not just that he’s losing to “None of the Above.” But “None of the Above” has a higher likability rating.

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Got to love it. True story. Guy trying to get into Red Carpet Club at LAX because he is in First Class. Agent says, sorry, we only give access to non-members when they are flying First Class internationally, not Domestic. Guy, indignantly. “But I’m going to Hawaii.”

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Blackberry’s president has apologized for the outages that have gone on since Monday. Of course most of his customers won’t get the message until at least next week

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One of those rare serious thoughts: The House passed another anti-abortion bill today. Now, abortion is a tough subject and I realize reasonable people can disagree. But I would respect a lot of the anti-abortion types more if they weren’t also usually in favor of cutting funding for programs for poor women and their living children.

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Drive time:

June 15, 2011

Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning.  But wait, it gets better. Turns out according to ESPN that the car was rented and paid for by a female university employee.  Who says that a friend of Harris’s asked to use the car, and paid her the cost of the rental in cash.

The woman added that she had no idea Harris would drive the car, and didn’t even know if his friend is on the team.

Yep, this should silence all those naysayers who say the Ducks don’t have a big-time football program.

(Not sure what will happen to Harris and his friend, but the woman, if she is fired by Oregon, should have a great chance to be hired by Jim Tressel.)

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New OSU head football coach Luke Fickell, a former assistant to Jim Tressel, said he had no idea about any NCAA rules violations: “I wasn’t going to say that I had blinders on, but I was very focused. I was not informed of any information until it became public knowledge.” Considering the cars his players were driving, having blinders on might have been Fickell’s best defense.

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Dirk Nowitzki, on Mark Cuban’s comment that he might want to reward the team with something other than “old school” rings – “I think I would vote for a ring. I mean, I’m a man. I don’t know how I’d feel about a bracelet. I’ve gotta go with a ring.” Besides in the NBA, when most players hear “bracelet,” they think “ankle.”

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Justin Verlander almost threw his third no-hitter tonight. Most teams look at him and think “I hope we don’t have to face him this year.” The Yankees think “I wonder how he’ll look in pinstripes.”

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Crystal Harris has apparently just called off her Saturday wedding to Hugh Hefner. Maybe Hef shouldn’t have told her about that pre-nuptial physical in which the doctor told him he was in good health and likely to live for many more years….

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A second judge turned down a request by Prop 8 supporters to disqualify the judge who overturned California’s ban on same-sex marriage, simply because the first judge was in a long-term relationship with another man. Makes sense, we don’t disqualify heterosexual judges in all rulings involving traditional marriages.

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Mark Cuban left a $20,000 tip at a Miami Beach nightclub after the Mavericks’ celebration party.  Along with a free tip for the Heat ownership – it takes more than three superstars to make a team

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For their NBA finals win over Miami, Governor John Kasich of Ohio just declared the Mavericks honorary Ohioans. For their surrender in the fourth quarter, how long will it take for the Heat to be declared honorary French?.

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Commie pinko time:

GOP 2000 – George W. will make our strong economy stronger. GOP 2004 – we need to re-elect Bush as the best man to fix the economy after 9/11. GOP 2008 – Bush did as well as anyone could have with this tough global economy, McCain will keep us on the right track. GOP 2012 – It’s all Obama’s fault.

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Student-athletes and other jokes.

May 26, 2011

 The NCAA banned three teams from postseason football  –   Idaho State, Southern and Jackson State, because of subpar APR (Academic Progress Rates) for their student athletes.   Apparently to remain eligible teams must meet certain academic standards, or belong to the SEC.

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Although the NHL Thrashers sale and move to Winnipeg is not yet a done deal, apparently Atlanta mayor Kasim Reed believes that the move is inevitable. When local sports fans were asked how they felt about losing their hockey team, the number one response was “We have a hockey team?”

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After the season, Shawn Marion of the Dallas Mavericks said he will shoot a reality TV pilot about the women he dates called “The Ladies of My Life.” Good thing Wilt Chamberlain never tried that, the series would have had to run longer than Bonanza.

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John Edwards may be indicted for using campaign funds to help subsidize and cover up his relationship with baby mama Rielle Hunter. Well, Schwarzenegger did tell us his being independently wealthy would be an asset if he were elected Governor.

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And another thought re Arnold, a lot of athletes actually probably felt some relief at this story.   I guess getting two women pregnant at the same time does indicate that steroid use may not cause permanent damage. 

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President Obama received mostly good reviews on his speech today to the British Parliament. Mostly because the Brits were just thrilled to know that it was still possible to have a U.S. President who could speak English.

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Mike Brown has agreed to be the Lakers’ new head coach. In preparation for the job, maybe the best training might be watching a DVD of “Kindergarten Cop.”

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Whatever Tate Forcier is majoring in, I think we can surmise it’s not geography.

The former Michigan QB and San Diego native has changed his mind about transferring to Miami: “It’s completely on the other side of the country. It would have been fun. But I just wanted to be closer so my parents can afford to come to the games.” So now Forcier’s looking into USC, San Diego State, Montana, Kansas State and… Auburn?!

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A footnote or two for tonight’s extra inning game in Philadelphia.  (19 innings)

Wilson Valdez -now and forever tied for the best winning percentage and ERA in major league pitching history.

How long was this game?  It started in late spring and by the end fans were just getting ready to boo Santa Claus.

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I realize for some people that tuesday is the end of the world. For all of us who work standard day jobs, however, can I ask “So what was this Oprah show anyway”

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Hard core San Jose Sharks fans still can’t believe the way that puck bounced off the stanchion last night. More casual Sharks fans are asking “What’s a stanchion?” And real bandwagon fans are asking “What’s a puck?”

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And on a serious note, all best wishes for a speedy recovery to Buster Posey, a man who is not only a great catcher, he WAS a real student athlete-  Academic All-American at Florida State. (Yes, I know, the Harvard of the South.) But the guy is for real, also high school valedectorian.  

Shame there wasn’t a stanchion that the runner from third couldn’t have crashed into instead of Posey.

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You can’t make this up…

May 14, 2011

Once again, some realities top any potential punchline:

Ochocino,  tweeting about his prospective bull riding adventure:

“The real question is not how long I can last on the bull but how long the bull can last with me riding him or her.”

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And yes, baseball players are superstitious, and as such usually don’t like no-hitters or even streaks mentioned.  And maybe they have a point:

The San Francisco Chronicle mentioned today in a sidebar, that Giants’ relievers had not allowed a run in 22 innings.  So what happened at Wrigley Field today?  Three relievers combined to allow eight runs, in less than two innings.

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Not to say that a lot of fans who turn into the playoffs don’t pay regular attention to NBA basketball, but apparently some folks are eager to see the Heat-Bulls series because they want to see how Lebron James matches up with Michael Jordan.

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The Grizzlies rallied today to force game seven against the Oklahoma City Thunder. Memphis fans are thrilled, they haven’t had a professional team like this in town since John Calipari was coaching the Tigers.

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Fans in Seattle had mixed feelings watching tonight’s NBA playoff game, as their former Super Sonics,  now the Oklahoma City Thunder,almost advanced to the Western Conference finals.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if when the Super Sonics left, they had taken the Mariners with them.

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The Giants are in first place, so we shouldn’t complain. BUT….. Getting awfully tired of “-fill-in-name-of-journeyman-pitcher-with-high-ERA- struck out a season-high today against San Francisco.” stories. (Rick Dempsey?! Really?)

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Katie Couric’s last day as CBS news anchor will be May 19, about two weeks before her five year contract is over. “Just another liberal who didn’t know how to take the courageous road and quit halfway through” sniffed Sarah Palin.

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Meanwhile,  Meghan McCain let Glenn Beck have it for his nasty comments about her looks. My favorite line from her response  “I mean, if you’re too conservative and outrageous for Fox, that should tell you something. ” Maybe the GOP nominated the wrong McCain.

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Congressman Ron Paul of Texas Friday announced his third run for the Presidency. Paul says he’s “optimistic” about his chances and that his “supporters are enthusiastic.” Of course we hear the same thing every year from the manager of the Cubs.

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QB Tate Forcier, who left Michigan after he was declared academically ineligible for the Gator Bowl, has changed his mind about transferring to Miami. Forcier now will not become a Hurricane because of what a source told the AP were “undisclosed personal matters.” Possible translation, did they expect him to go to class?

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From Marc Ragovin of New York   “An article in today’s paper said that a revamped Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark has reopened, although some glitches remain. I’ll say. In Act III Peter Parker gets shot in the eye by a Navy Seal.”

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Shark attack – or attacked?

May 12, 2011

Not saying the San Jose Sharks may be on the verge of an epic collapse, going to a game seven against the Red Wings after leading 3 games to 0. But there has been talk of renaming HP Pavilion, aka “the Shark Tank,” to “The Friendly Confines.”

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In game seven the Sharks will try something different than games four through six:  trying not to skate with their hands wrapped around their own necks.

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Meanwhile in the NBA playoffs, the Miami Heat finished off the Boston Celtics.  Which for much of America meant the “team you now love to heat” beating a “team you’ve disliked for years.”

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Or political version of the above joke – the Heat-Celtics series had as much appeal for many Americans as say, a Trump-Gingrich debate would have for Democrats.  An interesting spectacle to be sure, but hard to really care about the winner.

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And in Oklahoma City, the Thunder took a  3-2 lead on the Memphis Grizzlies.  Fans in Oklahoma are starting to get into this hockey stuff.  Some of them have now even figured out the difference between a goal and a field goal.

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Whitney Houston, now in rehab, was apparently banned from Prince concerts after she repeatedly showed up and appeared to be ‘intoxicated.’ Whitney, did, however, receive an invitation from Charlie Sheen to become one of his goddesses.

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Sarah Ferguson told Oprah it was “difficult” to be snubbed and not to be invited to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Especially since she had already made a deal to sell some wedding family pictures.

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Donald Trump in a Rolling Stone interview said he washes his hair with “Head and Shoulders” shampoo. Interesting, I never knew “Head and Shoulders” was appropriate for washing small animals.

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Former Carolina Panthers tackle Brenston Buckner has a suggestion for Brett Favre – to mentor rookie quarterback Cam Newton before the season (theoretically) opens in September. Only one problem, it would probably take Favre at least until November to decide when and where he and Cam should meet.

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The San Francisco Giants have won five games in a row, but four by only one run. Good thing this isn’t volleyball or tennis.

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Apparently Osama bin Laden’s relatives are not convinced and want proof he is dead. The statement was released on behalf of the family by Omar aka “The Donald” bin Laden.

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A USA Today story says that aviation experts have no explanation for the recent ‘outbreak of insanity’ with unruly passengers on board planes. Uh, have any of these experts been crammed in the back of coach on a full plane with no food and screaming babies lately? Enough to drive even some previously sane people crazy.

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Bud Selig, on top of things as usual: He appointed former Padres president Dick Freeman to assist new Dodgers trustee Tom Schieffer. Then MLB rescinded the appointment hours later. Apparently Freeman advised Frank McCourt’s ex-wife Jamie last year, during her divorce proceedings against Dodgers owner Frank McCourt.

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A Hasidic newspaper is being justifiably criticized for photoshopping a War Room photo. So it appeared as if Hillary Clinton didn’t exist. Just like President Bill Clinton acted whenever he met a new woman.

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Gary Morton’s comment about Tiger Woods’ fall from the top rankings – “I thought Tiger retired to stud at 34.”

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Happy Mother’s Day!

May 8, 2011

Shouldn’t Mother’s Day be sponsored by the NBA? After all, the league is responsible for creating so many of them.

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Justin Verlander, who just threw his second no-hitter, is only 28 years old. What’s he going to be like when he REALLY learns how to pitch?

(My friend Tony Alan Banks responds “A Yankee.”)

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College and NBA basketball are a different world these days.  A couple factoids about league MVP Derrick Rose:

1.  If he had stayed in school, he’d have been a college senior at Memphis this year.

2. Although actually maybe he couldn’t have stayed in school, because an NCAA investigation determined someone took his SAT test for him. (And this was after some of his high school grades were changed after the fact.)

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Home videos show that Osama bin Laden enjoyed watching television, and recently dyed his beard black in order to appear more menacing.  Apparently he got the the idea during the 2010 World Series.

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Some analysts say gas prices will fall by nearly 50 cents as early as June. And major airlines say they will lower their fuel surcharges as early as hell freezing over.

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Speaking of hell freezing over, a bill to end $6 billion in ethanol subsidies has been co-sponsored in the Senate by California’s Dianne Feinstein and Oklahoma’s Tom Coburn?! Politics does indeed make very strange bedfellows. (Metaphorically speaking in this case.)

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Okay, can you name an athlete who still holds a speed record almost forty years after the fact? I know only one: Secretariat. 1973 Kentucky Derby – 1 minute, 59 and 2/5 seconds.

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Rosie Napravnik, riding Pants on Fire, failed in her attempt to become the first female jockey to win the Kentucky Derby. Surprised no woman has won before. It’s only a mile and a quarter. There’s no need to stop and ask for directions.

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The NCAA has announced they are looking into over 50 car sales to Ohio State student-athletes, to see if those sales met NCAA rules. 

Meanwhile, as part of his punishment for not turning his players in for receiving illegal benefits, Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel will attend a five-day compliance seminar in June in Tampa, Fla.. One of the seminar topics is “Division I Major Infractions.”

Attend the seminar?  Tressel could teach it.

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Will another “one” bite the dust?

April 26, 2011

The number one seed San Antonio Spurs are one loss away from being bounced out of basketball’s post season. Who do they think they are? The Pitt Panthers?

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Although really, the Spurs on the verge of elimination, and the Lakers are tied 2-2 in round one. Are we sure Butler isn’t somehow involved?

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Nice job by the Denver Nuggets to stave off elimination for at least one more game in the first round of the playoffs. Especially since it means the Nuggets have lasted longer without Carmelo Anthony than the Knicks did with him.

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And yeah, for the first team to be out of the NBA playoffs, and swept out at that, who had Carmelo Anthony and the Knicks? (And who outside of New York isn’t snickering just a little?)

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Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin’s one-time future son-in-law, is writing a book. In a statement he explained “I want to tell the truth about my close relationship with the Palins, my sense of Sarah, and my perplexing fall from grace – how I feel and what I’ve learned, I’m doing this for me, for my boy Tripp and for the country.”

Well, that and the probable six figure (at least) advance he got.

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Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour has announced he will not run for President in 2012. Wonder if this means he can’t find his birth certificate.

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New Orleans police arrested Los Angeles Lakers forward Derrick Caracter. He was charged with public drunkenness and shoving a pregnant cashier at a pancake restaurant. Looks like the Lakers are trying hard to take back the title from the Miami Heat of “America’s most hated team.”

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My friend Tony Banks says this is the first offensive move Caracter has made all season.

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The NCAA has sent a “notice of allegations” to OSU, accusing football coach Jim Tressel of lying and withholding information regarding his players’ accepting improper benefits. I see a “leaving the university I love for an NFL job to help my family” speech in Tressel’s future.

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Donald Trump has now publicly gone after both Jerry Seinfeld and Robert De Niro after they criticized his birther claims. Can’t wait to see what Trump says about the first celebrity who says he’s too thin-skinned to be president.

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Happy half-price chocolate bunny day.

April 26, 2011

I don’t believe in conspiracy theories, but it is a nice coincidence for dentists this year that Easter comes almost exactly six months after Halloween.

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And today is Easter Monday. Second only to the day after Halloween as “Half-price candy day.”

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In Mexico, the day after Halloween is known as “Day of the Dead.”  Which in the U.S. only describes the way many people feel after overdosing on chocolate bunnies and jelly bean eggs.

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In Philly, Easter 2011 may be remembered as the day, however briefly, that the 76ers rose from the dead.

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Former Pennsylvania Senator and current Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum is now calling his vote to create the Medicare prescription drug benefit “a mistake.” Which is exactly what many Pennsylvanians, including Republicans,  are calling their previous votes for Rick Santorum.

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For my hockey fan friends: A 3-0 lead turned into a 3-3 tie with game 7 coming up. The Vancouver Canucks are about to answer the question “What’s the difference between them and the Maple Leafs?” with “A little more than a week.”

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Meanwhile, in the NBA, the series is tied 2-2, and the odds still favor Los Angeles. But if New Orleans somehow pulls off this first round upset, the Lakers can add May to the list of months (currently October-April) where they haven’t bothered to show up.

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And for any Northern California sports fans looking for a reason to root for the Hornets – New Orleans fans do a pretty good “Beat L.A” chant.

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But, okay, who’d a thunk the Mets might have had more wins this week than the Rangers and Knicks put together?

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All you folks complaining about the hoopla surrounding the marriage of Prince William and Catherine Middleton, cut the English and Anglophiles some slack. After all, years from now this will probably go down in history as the first wedding to involve a Queen of England since Sir Elton John tied the knot with David Furnish.

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Second season?

April 16, 2011

Actually,  many regular fans would say the playoffs, which start tomorrow, are the NBA’s only season.

Although for many teams, including California’s Warriors, Clippers, and Kings, the real second season is the lottery ball pick.

Meanwhile,  back in the land of the living;  Lebron James’s jersey is apparently the number one seller in the world.  No word on how many of those are repeat sales to buyers who found they worked well as kindling.

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The  CDC now says that last fall 21 NBA players on 13 teams apparently had the norovirus. It took the CDC so long to determine this because the outward signs, a general lethargy and lack of energy, are also symptoms of play in the NBA regular season.

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A proposed new NCAA rule will allow teams, when their opponent has a penalty in the last minute of the the half, to choose to accept the penalty AND run 10 seconds off the clock. The only potential snag – getting enough SEC players enrolled in advanced math so they can count to ten.

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And they wonder why Americans can’t count: Big Macy’s ad in the Friday paper. “One Day Sale – Shop Today and Tomorrow.”

And we wonder why mail is sometimes mis-delivered. The Post Office has a “forever” first-class stamp featuring the Statue of Liberty. Except that the Statue of Liberty on the stamp isn’t the one in New York harbor, it’s the replica statue located at the New York New York Casino in Las Vegas. (Not making this up.)

But maybe slot machines for customers waiting in line could be an interesting way to help close the USPS’s budget deficit?

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For NHL fans, the Boston Bruins are playing the Montreal Canadiens  in the first round of the playoffs and the rivalry is getting heated.  “Boston Pizza”, a chain with  locations in Montreal, will unofficially temporarily be renamed “Montreal Pizza.”

Now, the most famous food from Montreal is smoked meat.  But for fans hoping to retaliate, unfortunately nothing is getting smoked in Boston these days except the Red Sox.

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One thing I wouldn’t mind the GOP slashing is hypocrisy. Paul Ryan, whose proposed budget would cut Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security, had his father die when he was 16. Ryan then paid for his college eduation at Miami University (of Ohio) with Social Security survivors benefits.

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Commie pinko time again:

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will appear on an upcoming episode of “30 Rock.”  Anyone who doubts Rice’s ability to do comedy and keep a straight face clearly has not seen her performance in calmly answering questions “The United States does not torture.”.

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Chronic losers.

March 2, 2011

The Cubs have announced a search is on for the next public address announcer at Wrigley Field. The job has all kinds of great benefits. Including, of course, having every October off.

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Some analysts say the NFL owners could survive up to a two-year lockout. But what about the fabric of American society? This could mean two years of fall Sundays where spouses would actually have to talk to each other.

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Troy Murphy goes to the Celtics, Carmelo is with the Knicks, Bibby is heading to the Heat. This might be a high, or low, point for the most front page sports stories about the rich getting richer. Well, at least without the Yankees being involved. 

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Elton John has disclosed that he and his partner did indeed receive an invitation to Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding.  Makes sense, what would a Royal Wedding be without England’s most famous queen?

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The Golden State Warrors’ slim NBA playoff hopes seem to be slipping away. On the other hand, they might be playing well enough to receive an N.I.T invitation.

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Celine Dion’s bodguard  Nikolaos Skokos, has been trying to get “Permanent resident” status in the U.S., based on his “superior” skills as a security consultant.   So far, the government has rejected his application.  But maybe we should make a deal, Skokos can stay, if he convinces his client to go back to Canada.

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Charlie Sheen said in an interview this week that “you can’t process me with a normal brain.” This might be the only time all year that “Charlie Sheen” and “normal” appear in the same sentence.

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The #3 ranked NCAA men’s basketball BYU Cougars dismissed star forward Brandon Davies from the team, citing a violation of the school’s honor code. This sort of thing doesn’t happen often for players at top 10 basketball schools; violating the honor code generally means actual classes are involved.

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The NBA Nets, now owned by a Russian, with 2 games planned in London, say they want to become “the face of the league” outside the U.S. “Our goal is to globalize our business, to project ourselves in a global fashion,” said Nets CEO Brett Yormark. So we’re about to find out -in how many languages can fans yell “You suck?”

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What is it with the GOP and geography? Mike Huckabee is questioning the President’s foreign policy because of his “having grown up in Kenya.” When asked, Huckabee’s PAC director Hogan Gidley said Mike had MEANT to reference Obama’s living in Indonesia from ages 5-10. Kenya, Indonesia, what’s the difference?

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Charlie Sheen is now on Twitter and amassed over 150,000 followers in two hours. Is this a sign of the apochalypse, or just that despite our busy lives, Americans still have WAY too much time on our hands?

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Actually, at this point isn’t “Charlie Sheen joke” redundant?

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U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Susan Rice said that Qaddafi “sounds, just frankly, delusional,” and is “unfit to lead.” Insert Sarah Palin joke here.

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(and of course, no truth to the rumor that Qaddafi has been offered a starring role in “Two and a Half Men.”

From Nick Coombs:

Embattled Bangals QB Carson Palmer announced today that he has, “money in the bank” and would “play for the love of the game” as long as its elsewhere. Glad to hear he saved all the money he earned playing at USC.

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Reality and unreality.

March 1, 2011

Kirstie Alley will be on this year’s Dancing with the Stars. Hope someone has alerted the USGS; if they do step dancing it could register on the Richter Scale.

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Okay, admittedly I watch “the Bachelor” as a guilty pleasure.  But with this South Africa episode, anyone else rooting for a little wild animal attack?

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Charlie Sheen’s publicist quit today. Makes sense, you don’t need a publicist to get a train wreck into the news.

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I’ll say one thing for Charlie Sheen. He seems to have bumped Lindsay Lohan off the front page.

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Iran is threatening to boycott the 2012 Olympics because they say the London 2012 logo resembles the word “Zion.” Really? With all due respect, the logo barely even resembles the numbers 2012.

Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas,  called “the most dangerous city in America” when speaking with reporters on Monday.

He was immediately defended by Sarah Palin , who said, well, give the guy a break, maybe he can’t see Juarez from his house.

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Congratulations to “the King’s Speech” for winning Best Picture. Wonder how many Academy voters in the U.S. chose it because they loved the fantasy of a leader’s inarticulate son somehow miraculously growing into a true leader himself upon assuming office?

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The general consensus is that the Oscars’ “youth movement” attempt with Anne Hathaway and James Franco was a resounding thud. Maybe next time the Academy wants to appeal to younger viewers they should have Pixar work something up with Woody and Buzz Lightyear.

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If the Academy Awards really wanted the “must-see television” label last night, I understand Charlie Sheen was available.

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All too familiar sign of spring in San Francisco, the following headline about today’s Giants spring training game in Arizona: “Barry Zito was not sharp.”

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Earl Boykins,  34 years old and 5’5″ ,  has proved the doubters wrong for years, and is still playing for the NBA Milwaukee Bucks.  Now, his alma mater, Eastern Michigan University, is retiring his jersey.

As part of the celebration, EMU will make a  full-sized jersey replica available as a gift for baby showers.

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Taco Bell is rolling out a new ad campaign saying that their taco filling is 88 percent beef and 12 percent “signature recipe seasoning and other ingredients.” Now the fun begins – what are those “other ingredients? (To be fair, they might be healthier than the beef.)

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from my friend Jim Barach:
A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only.  They are for guys who can’t get into college on an athletic scholarship.

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Weighty matters.

February 22, 2011

Rush Limbaugh has now decided to take on Michelle Obama’s appearance, saying the First Lady would never be in Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue. With all due respect, the only way Rush himself would be pictured in that issue would be as a buoy.

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Carmelo Anthony has apparently been traded to the Knicks. Well, this could work out well. If Anthony moves to New York he’ll be closer to the major networks when it comes time to be a commentator for the later rounds of the NBA playoffs.

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The NFL owner and players association are having long secret talks. One lawyer described the proceedings as “We’re in a cone of silence.” Suppose it’s too much to hope for that both sides would “Get Smart.”

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Fans are still buzzing over Blake Griffin’s “car dunk” during the NBA All-Star slam-dunk competition. It might have been the biggest dunk ever over a large inanimate object, well not involving Shaq.

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Today will mark five YEARS since Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas has spoken during oral arguments. I guess he paid attention to that old Lincoln quote, “Better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

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A Florida mother ignited a controversy by having her teenage son stand on a street corner with a sign advertising his 1.22 GPA. The boy is particularly upset because he doesn’t want the school’s football players thinking that he’s a braggart and a nerd.

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Three of the Monkees are getting together for a 45th reunion tour.  Which no doubt will feature their hit – “I’m a believer.”   Excpet that now it’s “I’m a believer if i could just remember what I believe.”

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More music from Bill Littlejohn:  The Hollies are releasing a song about the 1,255-pound Yankees rotation–‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Starter'”

And from my friend Jim Barach:  Prince William and Kate Middleton sent out invitations to 1,900 guests for their upcoming Royal Wedding. Word is that Sarah Ferguson has already put hers up for sale on Ebay.

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In England, a travel company is now giving tours of  Kate Middleton’s home town. They are doing so well the company is considering adding a tour of Camilla’s home stables.

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All Star Eve:

February 20, 2011

The “NBA Skills Challenge” seems to be becoming a series of meaningless performances punctuated by increasing media hype. In other words, sort of like the NBA regular season.

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In fact the NBA regular season really has become a joke for the elite teams in the league, who know they just have to qualify with a decent seed.  Some of these guys are mailing it in so consistently they should be sponsored by the U.S. Post Office.

Serene Branson apparently was suffering from “migraine aura” when she began speaking gibberish during a live segment following the Grammy.

In related news, Paula Abdul just announced a fundraiser for fellow victims of “migraine aura.”

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A San Francisco radio station is playing 16 continuous hours of Grateful Dead music this weekend. This explains why, across Northern California, 7-11 stores are reporting a run on Doritos.

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Rahm Emanuel is projected to be the winner in Tuesday’s Chicago mayoral race. And makes sense, he is a smart, attractive candidate who hasn’t made particularly impossible promises – for example, Rahm hasn’t said he could fix the the Cubs.

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The #1 ranked Kansas men’s basketball team lost earlier in the week, the #1 ranked Baylor women’s team lost Saturday.

Being #1 in college basketball is getting to be about as safe as being the #2 guy in Al Qaeda.

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My friend Karen points out the scary fact that Kim Kardashian has more followers now on Twitter than President Obama.  But to be fair, the Kardashians probably have a lot more fans who can’t deal with more than 140 characters at a time.

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Tiger Woods apologized for spitting on the course in Dubai last weekend and said he “just wasn’t thinking.” Yeah, well, apparently that has been a problem for years.

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Frank Bailey, a former Sarah Palin chief of staff, is writing a tell-all memoir on the former Alaska Governor. I guess he’s not worried about getting sued, because that would require Sarah actually read a book to do it.

“I am Number 4” is doing well at the box office. This despite the  fact that many moviegoers think it must be a documentary about NBS status amongst the major networks.

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Just a thought, whatever side you are on:  Regarding everything that’s going on in Wisconsin, and something to think about for 2012. Wonder would have happened if all this effort and energy going into fighting Governor Walker’s proposals, had gone into electing a Democratic governor last November?

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Are we thawed out for some football…?

December 28, 2010

Apparently Brett Favre will not play Tuesday night unless he passes a concussion test. Such a test would require Favre demonstrating he is thinking clearly and rationally. Shame for Vikings fans they didn’t adminster one at the beginning of the season.

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Many if not most NBA fans haven’t gotten over “The Decision.”  Now following the uproar over his latest remarks about having few NBA teams, Lebron James stated today that he really isn’t in favor of contraction. 

You know, “The King’s Speech” is a great movie about a speech therapist named Lionel Logue who helped King George VI avoid embarrassing himself everytime he opened his mouth.  Wonder if Lionel has any descendants in Miami…..?

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But really, James is an incredible talent.  Except lately he seems to get in more trouble opening his mouth than anyone not named Monica Lewinsky.

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The Miami Heat-Los Angeles Lakers game on Christmas drew the NBA’s highest holiday television rating since 2004. But Lebron James and his friends actually had an even more stunning accomplishment for the day – turning most of America into temporary Lakers’ fans.

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Julian Assange has apparently signed a contract to write his autobiography. But how can the publisher possibly believe anyone will actually buy a copy of a book that a month ahead of time should be completely leaked to the internet?

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The Florida Gators surprised their fans by announcing that they will be without four starters against Penn State in the Outback Bowl. The real surprise, the players involved are all injured, none were arrested or suspended.

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With the snowfall back east, both the Giants and Jets were stranded in the midwest, and temporarily unable to fly home. Based on their team’s performance against the Packers, however, Giants fans are okay with them staying there for a while. (Like maybe until the Spring thaw.)

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The Chilean miners are all heading to Disney World on an expense-paid trip that Disney has donated. So these men survived over two months being trapped underground; now comes the real test, how will they do on a few back-to-back rides on “It’s a Small World?”

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My comedy writer  friend Jerry Perisho wonders about Hefner’s latest engagement and if he asked his fiancee’s father. I wonder if Hugh asked her grandfather?

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Sarah Palin is now saying that her created word “refudiate,” was simply the result of hitting the wrong key instead of the P while she was tweeting. Uh, okay, but if so wouldn’t the word have read “reoudiate”, or “reludiate?  (Take a look at a QWERTY keyboard if this makes no sense.)

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Paul is dead.

October 27, 2010

Paul the (World Cup predicting) octopus has died at the age of 2 1/2. Apparently his last words were “The Giants and the Rangers in the World Series? NFW.”

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And no, Phillies fans aren’t still bitter about their team’s loss, and lack of hitting, in the NLCS.  Today an article in Philly.com talked about Cliff Lee, and Philadelphia’s decision not to resign him last year.  Said one happy fan “They should have kept him, he could have batted cleanup.”

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A Cleveland radio station hired a witch doctor to perform a pre-season hex ceremony on Lebron James. If the Heat get off to a bad start I can see new career opportunities if this Senate thing doesn’t work out for Christine O’Donnell. 

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Not saying that Fox is disappointed with the Rangers vs. Giants World Series and the potential low ratings. But rumor has it the network has offered their affiliates the opportunity to pre-empt the games for “Glee” reruns.

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It’s enough to ALMOST make you feel sorry for the Golden State Warriors, who never get any respect in the San Francisco Bay Area. And this year their home opener? Wednesday, October 27. Nothing else going on in local sports that night….

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At least some good news for the Golden State Warriors as they open the new season.   Thanks to the “Fourth and Niners” they are almost guaranteed not to be the sorriest story in Northern California sports.

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from Marc Ragovin: 

So the NY Knicks have signed a marketing deal with 1800 Silver Tequila. Hey,  the way they play these are gonna be the best shots in Madison Square Garden all season.

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On Wednesday pitcher Cliff Lee will make his second World Series game one start in a row. Last year he started for the Phillies, this year he starts for the Rangers, and next year, many expect him to start for the Yankees.

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SEC family values strike again:  On September 14, University of Florida wide receiver Chris Rainey was arrested and charged with aggravated stalking for allegedly sending threatening texts to his girlfriend. Including one that said “Time to die.” This weekend, coach Urban Meyer says Rainey will be reinstated to the team. Hey, it’s a rivalry game with Georgia.

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Lebron James and his pals on the Heat lost their season opener to the Celtics 88-80. That’s really a shame, said absolutely no one outside Miami.

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I suppose Lebron James may have done some good for the league on television this year.  As inspired by TC  – wonder how many fans will tune into Miami games just because they can’t stand the Heat.

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In fact, it may only be the beginning of the season but the Miami Heat have done something few sports teams have been able to accomplish – become more hated than the Yankees.

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Joe Theismann said that Vikings’ coach Brad Childress should “man up” this weekend, and say, ‘Brett, sit down.’ ”  While he’s at it, Childress should also probably say “Brett, put the phone down too.”

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Decisions, decisions, decisions..

August 18, 2010

The Brett Favre saga continues. Apparently the Vikings let three active players leave practice to fly down to Mississippi to try to convince the 40 year quarterback to return.

Note to Minnesota, if you have to beg, he’s just not that into you.

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On the other hand, ESPN remains in love with the story. Sportscenter is turning into “Decision; the Miniseries.”

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But back to basketball, now Carmelo Anthony is wondering whether he should opt out of his contract with the Denver Nuggets, or sign his extension, or just demand a trade. Because he feels he should be able to go play with his friends too, and win a championship ring.

So when did the NBA become the “Narcissists Basketball Association?”

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Apparently this year the Cleveland Cavaliers will have new uniforms, with altered colors and bolder lettering on the front. Wonder if that lettering will include the phrase “Lebron sucks?”

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As the San Francisco Giants go through another rough patch in their season while they are fighting for a playoff spot, it does remind us that there are advantages to being a Cubs fan. None of this late-August/September stress.

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Cher is working on a new album, but the 64-year-old diva says that fans “shouldn’t expect the same dance music” heard on her 1998 album, “Believe.”

Dance music? How about walker music?

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Yet another example of why winning isn’t everything. Daughtry, who finished fourth on season five of American Idol, is appearing on the “NBC Today Show Concert Series” Friday. Meanwhile, Taylor Hicks, that season’s winner, is appearing this weekend at the Rrazz Room in the San Francisco Nikko Hotel, capacity 186 people.

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After being criticized for her repeated use of the “N word,” Dr. Laura Schlessinger said she is giving up her radio show because she wants to “regain her free speech” rights, and “move onto other venues where I could say my piece and not have to live in fear anymore.” Hmm, wonder what position she will have at Fox News?

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Quote of the day on Newt Gringrch “He is a political opportunist;, what Newt is doing is he’s trying to get out and be more flamboyant and more charismatic, if you will, and more controversial than Sarah Palin” And the quote is from that flaming liberal Pat Buchanan.

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Absolutely agree that President Obama can be too nuanced. But as to him saying that there is a right to do something without commenting on the wisdom of doing it, well that’s a concept most parents of college students who are legally adults are very familar with….

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Ironic actually, that our first mixed-race president seems to have so many problems with nuanced statements. Because so many Americans just seem to want answers in black and white.

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High into the San Francisco Night….

August 10, 2010

Many San Francisco fans may recognize, “There it goes, high into the San Francisco Night” as a home run call from Jon Miller….

But on a related note? Monday night’s Giants-Cubs game at A T and T Park in San Francisco was also Jerry Garcia-Grateful Dead night. Best line of the night, from retired player and current broadcaster F.P. Santangelo, alluding to all the Deadheads at the game, “that’s not fog wafting up to the bridge…”

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Suspended Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing says his positive test for a female fertility drug was the result of overtraining. Either that or too many Lamaze classes with Manny Ramirez.

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Maybe Cushing mean “Overstraining,” as in “Overstraining credibility.”

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NBA commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the Toronto Raptors and New Jersey Nets will play a pair of regular-season games in London this season. And we accuse China of exporting poor quality junk overseas..

or

The NBA has announced that the Toronto Raptors and New Jersey Nets will play two regular season games in 2011 in London. So much for David Stern’s promise of having meaningful games in Europe before the 2012 Olympics.

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How can you miss him if he won’t go away department:

Levi Johnston, the on-again, off-again fiance of Bristol Palin, now tells the world he has political aspirations and will run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Is he nuts? The guy has no experience and may not even have voted. You don’t run for mayor with that background, you run for Governor of California.

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Question of the night – You go to a sporting event, it starts on time. You go to a movie, at least the previews start on time. So why is it when you go to a concert, you’re lucky if the opening act starts half an hour after the time on the tickets?

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Jodie Fisher is the reality television and one-time R-rated movie actress, whose lawsuit led to the resignation of HP CEO Mark Hurd. She issued a statement through her lawyer Gloria Allred saying,”I was surprised and saddened that Mark Hurd lost his job over this, that was not my intention.” Stay tuned for her next role, on the new show – “Dancing with the Skanks.”

(open note to Ms. Fisher, if you DON’T want to look like a skank and a publicity whore, maybe it would be a good idea not to hire as a lawyer the woman who is most recently known for representing Tiger Woods’ porn star mistress.)

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A $40 million severance package for Mark Hurd, $42 million for Carly Fiorina…. If they really want to help the California economy, maybe Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown should both consider a campaign promise to be both hired and fired as HP CEO, and then give their severance package to the state.

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