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Can’t win them all.

February 5, 2013

For all those feeling inadequate because they can’t be good at everything, may I remind you that Nate Silver, after erring with his predicted Patriots-Seahawks Super Bowl, regrouped to pick the 49ers to win yesterday.

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While the team got it back, reports are that the Baltimore Ravens actually lost track of the Super Bowl Trophy last night. Might be the last time John Harbaugh asks “Bro, can you watch my stuff?”

 

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Rick Santorum on allowing gays into the Boy Scouts: “Scouting may not survive this transformation of society, but for the sake of the average boy in America, I hope the board of the Scouts doesn’t have its fingerprints on the murder weapon.” Wow. Fortunately Christianity will no doubt survive Rick Santorum.

 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that NJ Gov. Chris Christie is “already hard at work” to avoid a repeat Super Bowl power outage next year. Presumably with a strong disincentive for anyone to screw up. Four words – “Concrete shoes Hudson River.”

(ot even less PC, if people screw up Christie is threatening to sit on them.)

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SF RB Frank Gore says he feels the 49ers “showed we were the better team. It was just a couple plays here, a couple plays there.” Probably the same thing the Atlanta Falcons felt a couple weeks ago.

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Las Vegas prosecutors have decided not to charge SF Giants pitcher Sergio Romo after he got into an New Year’s Day argument with TSA officials over showing his identification at the airport. Must have been a tough call, as police have so few real other problems to deal with in Las Vegas…

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John McCain told people to “lighten up” after he was accused of racism for putting a joke on Twitter joke comparing Iranian Pres. Ahmadinejad to a monkey. Shocking! John McCain knows how to tweet?

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Can’t imagine why the U.S. Post Office is losing money. Line out the door at the local branch, Monday afternoon, and their response is to close two of four windows….

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In Manhattan, a former Navy SEAL is recruiting women who are military veterans to work as nannies. Well this ought to liven up disputes at Little League and soccer games.

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Leave the non-call aside, when the 49ers got to 1st and goal at the 7 yesterday, anyone else reminded of Cal-Stanford 2009, when Jim Harbaugh’s refusal to give Toby Gerhart the ball at the Bears 13 yd line cost the Cardinal the game, and perhaps Gerhart himself the Heisman?

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Reports are that Candlestick Park will be imploded after next year’s SF 49ers season is over. Responded most MLB teams, “Only about 30 years too late.”

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A little Super Bowl sidelight. For millions and millions of Americans that potential non-call in the endzone with the 49ers driving towards a go-ahead TD was irrelevant. Had SF made it, and even gone for 2, they still wouldn’t have covered the 4 point spread.

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From Marc Ragovin, a joke for disgruntled 49ers fans:  “What is the difference between the NFL and WWE?”

“One stages sporting exhibitions with predetermined results aided by complicit referees, while the other features The Rock.”

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Jeez, Ray Lewis on that 2000 double murder ” God don’t use people who commit anything like that for His glory. If our system took the time to really investigate what happened 13 years ago, maybe they would have got to the bottom line truth.” So now that Lewis is retiring will he do an O.J. hunt for the real killers?

 

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Fighting words.

January 24, 2013

Secretary of State Leon Penetta today officially lifted the U.S.  military ban on women in combat.

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Anyone who doesn’t think women will be able to hold their own in combat has clearly never been to the first day of an after-Christmas sale.

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Phil Mickelson says his comments over maybe leaving California over taxes were “dumb” and that “it was insensitive to talk about it publicly to those people who are not able to find a job, that are struggling paycheck to paycheck.” Give Phil credit, he’s quicker with a damage control than many politicians.

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The longest two weeks in football – Super Bowl hype time. ESPN says the Chicago Cubs “did everything they could to talk Colin Kaepernick into playing baseball in 2009.” Uh, they drafted him in the 43rd round….

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Sacramento basketball fans are hoping against hope that a deal will be struck to keep Seattle from taking their Kings. Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, fans are close to begging anyone to take the Lakers.

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Regarding Tim Brown’s allegation that coach Bill Callahan “sabotaged” the Raiders in the Super Bowl…. Uh, the Patriots’ offensive coaches have to hope nobody tells this story to Gisele Bundchen.

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Trader Joe’s is raising the price of “Two-Buck Chuck,” a wine that has been $1.99 a bottle since 2002, to $2.49. I blame Obama.

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Cheap shots, concussions, DUI’s, isn’t it great to see that the NFL is focusing on what’s truly important ? The league fined 49ers’ RB Frank Gore $10,500 for wearing his socks too low during the NFL Championship Game. To be fair, it was his second offense this season….

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The NCAA is now apparently facing allegations of improper conduct in its OWN enforcement program for college athletics. In related news, I hear there might still be gambling in Casablanca.

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Manti Te’o said he only lied about his fake girlfriend briefly, just after he found out she wasn’t real in early December. So, okay, but if Deadspin hadn’t broken the story, how many more years would he have kept the fiction up?.

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Comedy writers might be feeling a little let down this week, after the Manti T’eo and Lance Armstrong stories last week. But wait, JaMarcus Russell is making a comeback. Thank you, Jesus!

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Rand Paul today in attacking Hillary Clinton called Benghazi “the worst tragedy since 9/11. And I really mean that.” Uh, really? Benghazi was awful. But the worst? Some parents in Sandy Hook and thousands of military parents might disagree, for starters.

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From Marc Ragovin:  “The Tampa Bay Rays, formerly the Devil Rays, have signed Juan Oviedo, who used to go by the name of Leo Nunez, just weeks after signnig Roberto Hernandez, who was once known as Fausto Carmona. Their home opener is against …… The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.”

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Golden girl?

January 14, 2013

Hollywood is abuzz about Jodie Foster’s semi-coming out speech at  the Golden Globes speech tonight.  Which really was about as shocking  a bombshell will have to wait for Lance Armstrong’s confession will be to Oprah.

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Forget the controversy over whether or not “Zero Dark Thirty” needs a disclaimer…. no one’s going to top Amy Poehler’s line on director Kathryn Bigelow. ““When it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron.”

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If any woman didn’t already have enough reasons to love Hugh Jackman, hard to beat closing an award acceptance speech by telling your wife she is ALWAYS right.

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Saw “Argo” Sunday.  I’m no film critic. But hard to believe there were really five directors who did a better job in 2012 than Ben Affleck.  (And apparently the Hollywood Foreign Press agrees with me.)

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The NY Mets apparently are taking a look at erstwhile SF Giants closer Brian Wilson. What’s more optimistic – that Wilson will return to form after his second Tommy John surgery? Or that the Mets will have games to close?

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In Paris, hundreds of thousands of people marched to protest the French president’s plan to allow gay couples to marry and adopt children. And this is the country that ridicules the U.S. for making a big deal of politicians who have mistresses?

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The world’s oldest person, Koto Okubo, 115, died Saturday in Japan. The best part of this story – she had lived in the same nursing home as one of her sons.

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Who knows what next week will bring . But Atlanta Falcons may have set a record today for survival after serious self-asphyxiation.

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Denver Broncos thought they were the biggest NFL choke story of the year. Turns out they were barely the biggest choke story of the weekend.

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49ers fans may not like the prospect of going to Atlanta, but SF Bay Area fans sure had to enjoy the look on Pete Carroll’s face at the end of the Falcons-Seahawks game.

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Colin Powell said today on “Meet the Press” that he’s still a member of the Republican Party. The questions is whether some GOP members of Congress can honestly say the same thing.

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Nate Silver predicted that the Seattle Seahawks would be in the Super Bowl. Maybe Pete Carroll should have consulted with Silver as to whether he thought the odds favored icing the Falcons’ field goal kicker.

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January 13 was apparently the 12th annual “No Pants Subway Ride” day around the world. Which means for those in the know that  January 14 will be the 12th annual “Stand Up Instead of Sitting on the Subway Seats” day.

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From Bill Littlejohn:    “Callers to 9-1-1 in Virginia reported seeing a lion that turned out to be a dog.  Detroit fans can certainly identify.”

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How do they get that “dumb jock” image?

January 11, 2013

Oakland Raiders LB Rolando McClain was cited in Georgia for overly dark tinted car windows. But he signed the citation “F*ck y’all,” and told the officer it was his real name.   McClain was then arrested for giving a false name to law enforcement.

The Pittsburgh Steelers waived RB Chris Rainey after an arrest for domestic violence, a  little more than 2 years after he was dismissed from the U of Florida football team for a similar arrest and reinstated 28 days later by then coach Urban Meyer. Yeah, clearly Rainey learned his lesson….

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Instead of toys, McDonald’s restaurants in England are now giving away books with Happy Meals. Responded many U.S. children “What are books?”

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Jerry Buss said the Lakers are a “very, very solid team.” “Solid?”” Right, like petrified wood.

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Smart people, foolish choices: Stanford decided to have a Rose Bowl celebration featuring trophy photo opportunities, and team autographs before a men’s basketball game. And the date and time they picked – 7p, Sat. Jan 12.    Not like any football fans in the Bay Area will be doing anything.

(for non-football fans,  SF 49ers-Green Bay at 5p, in San Francisco.)

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New Jacksonville GM David Caldwell says he can’t “imagine a scenario where” Tim Tebow “will be a Jacksonville Jaguar.” Well, and the team has been doing so well without him.

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In Berkeley, CA, residents are fighting a proposed new 24-hour 7- Eleven. Wow. If there’s ever a city where folks NEED that 3:00am Doritos fix….

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from Marc Ragovin:   (groaner time)    “Kevin Garnett, who has a history of lobbing personal insults at opponents, is once again under fire for telling Carmelo Anthony that his wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios during a recent game. I think it’s pretty obvious that Garnett is a cereal offender.”

Keith Ratliff, who called himself a “gun nut” and worked on Youtube videos for a site focused on high-powered firearms, was found shot to death in his Georgia home. (Police said the home contained “multiple weapons.”) Yeah, karma’s a mean bitch, and so is her sister “irony.”

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Just don’t understand the Academy’s snub of Ben Affleck. I mean, I’ve never even heard a whisper that the Argo director was taking PEDs.

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Some reports indicate almost 10% of MLB players have a prescription for Adderall, an amphetamine used to treat ADHD. Yet, without a prescription, taking the drug is grounds for suspension in baseball and football. Okay, your move, Hall of Fame voters….

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A California high school student is in custody after a teacher talked him into dropping his shotgun. This after the 16 year old allegedly had shot at two fellow students and critically wounded one. Waiting for the NRA to say the teacher should have just been armed and returned fire.

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The NFL and other distractions:

December 17, 2012

 

 

Roger Goodell has to be breathing a sigh of relief with the SF 49ers’ win tonight: One week closer to the Seattle Seahawks not voting a Division Winner’s share to the replacement refs.

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The 49ers won 41-31 after blowing a 31-3 in the second half.     now 31-24.   San Francisco fans had to wonder if they were watching the last two quarters of the game or a Movie-of-the-Week showing of the Titanic?

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Got to love the NFL, a number of games with playoff implications on now and those of us in Northern California got Chiefs-Raiders? It’s as if say, a top-ten Bowl Matchup was on and arbitrarily some of us only got the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl.

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Missed the post game news conference,   so  how  much did Gisele Bundchen complain about her husband’s Patriot teammates?

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Meanwhile,  watching Big Ben against the  Dallas Cowboys was kind of like watching Notre Dame against USC.    Had to root  for a tie.  (missed it by THAT much.)

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Wonder if before the Miami Dolphins-Jacksonville Jaguars game if both teams were told the winner might have the chance to join the SEC?

 

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So do the Redskins really not need RG3 after all.  Or are the Cleveland Browns just that bad?

 

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An usher was shaken up today during the Rams-Vikings when after a touchdown catch St. Louis WRs Danny Amendola spiked the ball and it hit him in the face. Well, at least ushers in Arizona who work for the Cardinals know they are safe.

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So since the NY Jets have this week’s MNF game, Tim Tebow has Sunday off. Which actually isn’t much different than any weekend he’s been on the Jets roster.

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I am clearly missing part of the “girly” gene. Just saw an ad for “Jimmy Choo” perfume. And thinking “Why would you want to smell like a shoe?”

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A thought about the Dodgers and Angels stockpiling high-priced talent: The Detroit Tigers went into the World Series with the league MVP and the best pitcher in baseball. And how did that work out for them?

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Slip sliding away…

December 3, 2012

Sunday, the San Francisco Bay Area moaned about another day of rain.  And up in Seattle they are just giggling.

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Duke vs. Cincinnati, Dec 27 in Charlotte. Supposedly in the “Belk Bowl.” But are we sure this isn’t a basketball tournament?

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Kobe Bryant, after the Lakers’ latest loss to Orlando Sunday night: the team had “better make the adjustments they need.” or “I’ll kick everybody’s ass in this locker room if that doesn’t happen.” Hmm, maybe Kobe is angling for being the next coach after Mike D’Antoni?

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Meanwhile, now playing in SF, quarterback controversy, act two…..

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Watching Jim Harbaugh talking to the media reminds me of a cat toying with a room full of mice: The 49ers coach after today’s loss that there will be “no change” at quarterback but if there is a change, he would let everyone know….

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Louisiana Tech (9-3), turned down an invitation to play in the AvoCare V100 Independence Bowl against the Univ. of Louisiana-Monroe.(8-4) Tough for Louisiana Tech players, but hey, what a nice break for some TBD .500 team that just missed the postseason.

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A Sunday ad insert for “Bed, Bath and Beyond”  features “Waiting for Santa” pet pajamas, along with “one size fits all” antlers. The ad features a picture of a dressed up dog. Presumably because there isn’t enough liability insurance to have anyone risk trying to put that outfit on a cat.

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Tim Tebow was declared “inactive” for Sunday’ss Jets-Cardinals matchup. And this was different from Rex Ryan’s usual game plan how? .

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At the beginning of the year some said Tim Tebow wasn’t an NFL quarterback. Now we know Mark Sanchez isn’t either.

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Northern Illinois is in the Orange Bowl? Hey, if they win will the Huskies get an invitation to join the SEC?

 

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And back to politics:  Just wondering why since John Boehner is all about spending cuts, he’s not suggesting any reduction in military spending? (From Wikipedia – The U.S. DOD about 19$ of the budget 28% of estimated tax revenues. Including non-DOD expenditures, military spending was approximately 28–38% of budgeted expenditures and 42–57% of estimated tax revenues.)

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Not so greatest hit?

November 30, 2012

After she allegedly punched another woman in the face at a Manhattan nightclub, Lindsay Lohan was arrested early this morning. So congratulations to all those who had November 29 in the pool.

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Silver lining for Lindsay Lohan after her latest arrest, for punching a woman in the face at a nightclub. She may not get any new offers to star in made-for-TV movies, but Lohan stands a good chance of a contract from Celebrity Boxing.

B.J. Upton,, who hit .246 last year, signed a $75.25 million, five-year contract with the Atlanta Braves. Forget the Hall of Fame, MLB players should build a SHRINE to Marvin Miller and Curt Flood..

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Hostess Brands Inc. is asking a judge to approve giving its top execs bonuses totaling up to $1.8 million. The company says the incentive pay is needed to retain the 19 managers during the liquidation process, which could take about a year. Maybe they could pay them in Twinkies?

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V.P. Joe Biden made a public shopping trip and chose the new Costco in Washington, D.C. Makes sense, picking up “a few” items at Costco is like Biden himself saying “a few” words.

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho: “As Mitt Romney drove away following the meeting, White House staffers did a quick check to locate Bo.”

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“Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu was suspended from the LSU team in Aug. over drug charges, then arrested for marijuana possession while in rehab. Now Mathieu is entering the next NFL draft, saying he is “committed to tackling my personal issues” And what better place than the NFL to avoid temptation?

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A Oregon man lost on Mount Hood in a blizzard was rescued from a storm after he posted a screenshot to Facebook with his GPS coordinates. Of course, maybe if he hadn’t been updating his FB page while hiking he might not have gotten lost in the first place.

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While they didn’t hit the big Powerball, 20 police officers in Columbus, Ohio will share a $1 million prize. To paraphrase Homer Simpson “Mmm, donuts. LOTS of donuts….”

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The  NCAA just approved a bowl waiver for Georgia Tech’s, allowing them to playa bowl game even if they lose to Florida State this weekend and finish 6-7.  Well, how heartbreaking is this for all those 5-8 teams who came oh so close to the postseason….

 

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The Spurs will apparently be fined after sending Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili home to rest before playing the Grizzlies Saturday, causing them to miss Thursday’s game against the Heat. Guess San Antonio should have followed NBA regular season protocol and just had their stars show up and sleepwalk through the game.

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Turkey eve.

November 21, 2012

Really? A recent study indicates that 70% of teens have concealed their online behavior from parents. Uh, don’t at least 70% of teens regularly conceal most things from parents?

 

 

So in future will proof of age be required to purchase a “Tickle Me Elmo?”

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Tacky alert: Two of this year’s new Sesame Street toys are “LOL Elmo” and “Let’s Rock! Elmo.” Will they now be known as “OMG Elmo” and “Let’s Get Your Rocks Off! Elmo?”

 

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A woman is recovering after being shot in the leg Tuesday night during an argument with another shopper in a supermarket near Los Angeles. Wow. Black Friday just starts earlier every year.

 

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:

AAA declares today the busiest traveling day; and, due to dealing with relatives, AA declares Thursday the busiest drinking day.

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ESPN got a 12 year contract for the new college football playoff starting after the 2014 season. So for fans tired of East Coast Bias, we can now look forward to East Coast + SEC Bias.

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Where do you go when you lose an election? Mitt Romney was seen with his grandchildren at Disney World yesterday. (Good for him. But I blame Obama.)

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The SF 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick said after Monday’s game “I don’t want there to be a (QB) controversy.” And the Chicago Bears responded, “Well, heck, you could have taken care of that with a few interceptions.”

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So much for bipartisan anything. Here’s PETA to President Obama on his Thanksgiving pardon:. “Turkeys do not need to be ‘pardoned’-they are not guilty of anything other than being born into a world of prejudice. They are innocents who should be respected for who they are: good mothers, smart birds, and interesting animals.”

 

 

The Florida Marlins’ current 2013 opening day payroll?  $36 million.  To put that in perspective, that makes the Oakland A’s ($59 million) look like big spenders.

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For further perspective, A-Rod’s one year 2013 salary-  $30 million. Although A-Rod and the Marlins have something in common. Neither are relevant in October.

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For General Petraeus, it could be worse. In Vienna, a woman confessed in court to shooting, sawing up and freezing both her ex-husband and her lover, and then burying them under her store in 2008 and 2010, and then burying them in the basement.  (She was extradited from Italy for the trial after workers installing pipes found some body parts, and is currently pregnant by ANOTHER man.)

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General confusion:

November 12, 2012

National security may or may not have been compromised. But comedy writers looking to fill a post-election void are thinking “Thank you, General Petraeus.”

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But really,  a major sex story involving a U.S. leader who is widely respected around the world, and it’s not Bill Clinton?  Who’d a thunk it?

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Well, not sure it’s much consolation. But Mitt Romney’s  supposed favorite team, the New England Patriots,  won.   While  President Obama’s beloved  Chicago Bears…, well, how ’bout that election?

 

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As if New Yorkers haven’t suffered enough with Sandy and the Nor’Easter: Neither storm managed to cancel last Sunday’s Jets and Giants games.

 

 

Post election joy for those of all political persuasion: A Monday morning without 50 + overnight emails asking for money.

 

 

 

Anyone else remember this story from the summer? Now, this could have been entertaining… for those of us who are truly twisted…. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2185022/Has-Mitt-Romney-picked-Gen-David-Petraeus-vice-president.html

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Marc Ragovin:   “So General Petreus had an affair with the author of his biography, which is titled “All in” And boy, was he!”

 

And from Mark – “Any truth to the rumor the General will change his name from Petraues to General Betrayus?”

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The Oakland Raiders lost 55-20 to the somewhat offensively challenged Baltimore Ravens?! If Al Davis wasn’t dead this would have killed him.

 

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Have to wonder, when Mitt Romney starts spending more time at his soon-to-be-rebuilt home in sunny San Diego, will he wish he’d just retired there four years sooner?

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Newest members of “Who Dat” nation? The 1972 Miami Dolphins.

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A Southwest Airlines jet slid off a taxiway at Denver International Airport on Saturday. Fortunately there were no injuries, making the biggest question for most passengers – do we get extra frequent flyer miles?

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Fresh off their mega deal with the Boston Red Sox, the Los Angeles Dodgers have bid 25.7 million dollars for the rights to try to sign Korean pitcher Ryu Hyun-jin. Even the New York Yankees are thinking “Ever heard of fiscal restraint?”

 

Looks like Phil Jackson wasn’t quite as good at the “Name your own price” game as he thought he was.

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Growing, growing, gone….

August 14, 2012

A new study says 12 states have very high (over 30% of adults) obesity rates: Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas and West Virginia. Most of them red states. Which either means higher healthcare costs or less people alive to collect Social Security….

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Apparently a $100 million-dollar intrusion-detection system JFK Airport failed to detect a man who WALKED onto a runway Sunday. Gosh, if there were only something that could have seen him, like a human eye, for example?

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Once again, and not for the last time, I miss Molly Ivins. And would SO love to read her column on the Romney-Ryan ticket.

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Dolphins coach Joe Philbin said that Chad Johnson wasn’t released because of any single incident. Really? Then why release him the day after his arrest? (Maybe Philbin’s auditioning for a career in politics.)

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Isn’t education grand? Seminoles star Greg Reid, who was dismissed from FSU after multiple offenses, the last a traffic and marijuana arrest in Valdosta,  Georgia, has announced he is transferring….to Valdosta State.

(You would think there were one or two small colleges in the South where the cops don’t know him by name.)

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R.I.P Helen Gurley Brown, 90, who once said “good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere.” Well, I guess now she’ll find out.

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Out of habit this week wonder if NBC will air the Nightly News tape-delayed at midnight?

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And you think you have travel problems… Two first class passengers delayed a Qantas flight from Los Angeles to Melbourne because the airline didn’t have XL pyjamas available for them. (They refused business class PJs and decided to get off the plane.)

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All passengers were safely evacuated after a United Airlines plane caught fire before taking off from Seattle last night. Stand by for United tickets adding a $5 fire extinguisher fee.

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Bristol Palin on Paul Ryan “Pray for his family. Pray that he can meet the challenges of the campaign trail without being burned by the spotlight.” Nothing against Ryan personally, and sounds like he has a nice family, but hey, what about the challenges being a potential President?

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Hard knocks?

March 9, 2012

San Diego Chargers QB Philip Rivers just enthusiastically endorsed Rick Santorum for President. The NFL is reviewing tapes to see if the Saints or any other team gave him a particularly hard hit to the head.

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Mitt Romney said in an Alabama radio interview that the state’s upcoming primary is “a bit of an away game.” Right, but to put it in real Alabama football terms, considering the amount of money Mitt has spent (more than his opponents combined), it’s like an away game for the Crimson Tide against U Mass.

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Cindy McCain ripped the movie “Game Change” because, amongst other things, “my husband is way cuter than Ed Harris.” And we thought John was the McCain who was getting old and amongst other things, losing his eyesight.

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As pundits discuss the possible teams interested in Peyton Manning, have to wonder, had a certain four-game losing streak continued, would one of those teams had been his brother’s NY Giants?

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The feds are investigating the Auburn’s mens’ basketball team for alleged point shaving. Shocking. An investigation into the SEC and football is not involved?

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Peyton Manning said he will make a decision about 2012 within a week. “You can do that?” responded Brett Favre.

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Some are wondering why Sarah Palin is backing Newt Gingrich. One possible reason? He makes her look stable.

(Augie says, maybe she’s vying to be his fourth wife?)

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Taco Bell has just announced their nationwide rollout of the “Doritos Locos Taco” – a taco inside a shell that is basically a Nacho Cheese Dorito. But hey, for the health conscious, the “Supreme” version comes with reduced-fat sour cream.

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Meanwhile, Coca Cola is adjusting its caramel color. Because “4-MEI”,, part of the current formula is on a California list of additives that will soon require a cancer warning label. So this is good news for all the health-food fans who guzzle Coke.

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Jonathan Papelbon told a Philadelphia radio station that Phillies fans “tend to know the game a little better” than fans in Boston. Well, all those folks who printed up the “Johnny Damon is Judas” t-shirts will be getting out the silk screens again.

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The Orlando Magic’s Dwight Howard is indicating that if he gets traded, he wants to be “the guy” on whatever team he ends up on. Uh, only one problem Dwight, as Lebron might tell you, when a team has just one “guy” they usually end up watching most of the playoffs at home.

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Michelle Bachmann claims the outrage over Rush Limbaugh’s comments is hypocritical and just because he is a conservative. Well, liberals may be overly gleeful about the controversy, but imagine the reaction if Jon Stewart referred to a promiment GOP woman or her daughter as a “slut.”

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Before he died, Andrew Breitbart claimed he had an incendiary video that could take down President Obama. The 1991 video show Obama speaking at a peaceful Harvard rally about tenuring black professors. College students protest? Gosh. And where was the outrage about Romney at Stanford protesting in favor of the Vietnam War?

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On the other hand, solar flares are hitting the Earth today, with possible disruptions to communications systems and power grids. It’s all Obama’s fault.

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These days, Mitt Romney is almost hoping someone has a scandalous video of him. Might help his image. Something racy like having a beer, or dancing, or kissing a girl in college..

And okay readers, let’s make this an interactive post. What would be a scandalous video for Mittens? Other friends’ suggestions have been, going out without hair gel, shopping at Walmart, or having a double latte at Starbucks (Mormons are not supposed to drink caffeine.)

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Are you ready for some shopping?

November 25, 2011

Thursday’s paper – 1/2 inch wide. Thursday’s ad inserts – 2 inches wide. So when are we going to officially change the name of Thanksgiving to “Black Friday Eve?”

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All these football games on Thanksgiving supposedly to honor our national sport. Sorry, actually they are the pre-game to the TRUE U.S. national sport — shopping.

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The Baltimore Ravens got to Alex Smith tonight NINE times. Yes, nine. That’s more sacks than most dedicated shoppers get at a Black Friday sale.

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So tonight’s answer for Jim Harbaugh to the question “Oh, brother where are thou?” “Watching my defense sack your quarterback.”

Ndamukong Suh said he didn’t mean to stomp on a Green Bay Packers’ lineman’s arm. What, was Suh aiming for his head?

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Jeno Paulucci, 93, died today. He originally founded Chun King, a brand that sold canned Chinese food. But Paulucci later established Jeno’s Inc, the first and biggest U.S. sellers of pizza rolls. All over the country, joints are being extinguished for a minute in his name.

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Black Friday brings to mind a sign seen in London last winter: “Buy more sh*t or we are all f*cked.”

(And seriously – over one in four jobs in the U.S. are in or closely associated with retail.)

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Former American Idol finalist Lauren Alaina forgot the words to the national anthem before the Packers-Lions today. On a brighter note, she was immediately offered a gig singing the anthem before campaign events for Rick Perry.

(My comic friend Michael Piccard says, “actually, she didn’t get offered the gig. Perry forgot to call.)

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One factor delaying Urban Meyer’s hiring at Ohio State may be the fact that the school, looking to recover from recent scandals, may be concerned about the 30 plus arrests during Meyer’s tenures at Florida. But in Urban’s defense, only about a dozen of those arrestsinvolved violent misdemeanors or felonies.

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What some politicians give thanks for on Thanksgiving: Rick Perry, that no one has asked him the three things he is most thankful for, Herman Cain, that no one had camera phones in the 90s, Newt Gingrich, that he only has to spend it with one of his wives. And Barack Obama, that these three are taking turns leading the GOP polls.

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The NBA players and owners are apparently trying again for a settlement to “save Christmas for their fans.” “How heartwarming,” said absolutely nobody.

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For sports fans who use holiday games as a respite from the craziness, it’s a darn shame they don’t play baseball in November. Because even in the late innings, comebacks are always a possibility. Whereas the Lions-Packers game at the end of the third quarter is OVER.

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Saturday Night Late.

October 2, 2011

Anyone have a clue what’s with SNL and the Lawrence Welk spoofs? Do they figure the only people who still regularly find the show funny are old enough to remember the original?

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Stanford beat UCLA tonight in football, 45 to 19. In a game that starte at 745p. 1045p EST. Just in time maybe for the opening kickoff return to make the late night east coast news. All hail America’s true God – television.

The game finished just before 2am. EST. Presumably just in time for the first NFL pre-game show.

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Barry Sanders, Jr, (yes, the son of the NFL Hall of Famer), is considering several universities where he might play college football. The leading candidates are apparently Oklahoma State, Florida State, Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn and Stanford. Of course, Stanford can offer Sanders one thing the other schools can’t – actual classes.

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Another week, another heartbreaking collapse in the fourth quarter for Texas A & M. Who’s coaching this team? Lebron James?

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A guy known as “Ben” is appearing on a Style Network reality show called “Sperm Donor,” where he told his fiance he may have fathered as many as 70 biological children. Responded a few anonymous NBA players – “Amateur.”

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Looks like there may be a silver lining to Ohio State’s 2011 season. This year the Buckeyes won’t have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell.

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Now of course, OSU may right the ship. But if not, it could be a good rivalry game this year for the folks in Ann Arbor. Wonder how many headline writers are just itching to write “Wolverines tattoo Buckeyes.”

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Kobe Bryant is apparently negotiating seriously to play in Italy next year. Presumably his wife will insert a clause saying the team must house him somewhere without room service.

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Does NBA now stand for “No Basketball Anticipated?”

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The FBI and Dept. of Homeland security are warning that our killing of U.S.-born militant cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, could spark retaliatory attacks. Uh, since Al-Qaeda’s stated objective is to kill Americans, this is different from standard operating procedure how?

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At a fundraiser in N.H, Rick Perry said he is open to sending American troops to Mexico to help battle drug cartels. Can’t imagine where Perry gets his reputation for shooting off his mouth without thinking.

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Although he insists he’s not entering the race for President, New Jersey Chris Christie is the latest hope for many in the GOP. It’s all become like watching a reality TV show titled “Who wants to be a Republican presidential candidate?”

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Sarah Palin called Herman Cain the “flavor of the month.” Last night on the “Tonight Show,” Cain cheerfully proclaimed himself “Haagan-Daas Black Walnut,” saying he has “”substance.” Maybe, but many people’s experience with Haagan-Daas is that it’s rich, looks good, seems like a great idea at first, but then after finishing it you think, “Ugh, why did I do that?”

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Are you ready for some felonies?

September 22, 2011

Okay, the NFL season is officially in full swing: Jerome Simpson and Anthony Collins, are under investigation by law enforcement officials, after a package with about 2.5 pounds of pot was delivered and signed for at Simpson’s residence. And of course Simpson and Collins are teammates, on the Cincinnati Bengals.

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NFL sent a memo to all teams warning of fines, suspensions and more if players fake injuries during a game. “Are you trying to destroy the sport?” asked FIFA?

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Some would say the relatively close wild card races in Major League Baseball are a reason to expand the playoffs? Really? Watching the Red Sox and Rays alternate choking this week makes me think neither of these teams deserves to be in the playoffs as it is.

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Photosensitive epilepsy sufferers can have seizures triggered by “flashing lights or rapidly changing or alternating images.” How long until Facebook starts posting warning disclaimers?

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From Bill Littlejohn: “Oklahoma University has given Bob Stoops a seven-year extension worth $34.7 million. And the really good news is that it doesn’t count against the team’s salary cap”

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Another month, another Palin book, this time a memoir from Bristol Palin’s ”baby daddy” Levi Johnston. Not surprisingly, he disagrees with much of what Palin herself wrote. And clearly Johnston is not ready to relinquish the limelight. It’s a shame Bristol and Levi couldn’t work it out, the two of them certainly seem to deserve each other.

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According to a recent poll, 72 percent of Republicans and Republican-leaning independents do not want Sarah Palin to run for president. Funny, that’s about the same precentage of Democrats who do want her to run.

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The two UC Berkeley hikers, Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer, who were arrested while hiking and accused of espionage, were finally freed by Iran. Which is good news. But I have to keep wondering….all the places in the world to hike, maybe they could have chosen a trail that wasn’t near the border of a country that barely has relations with the U.S?

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“Clayton Kershaw established himself as a candidate for the NL CY Young award with his 20th win last night while he lowered his ERA to 2.27. But should his 2011 record have an asterisk? Five of those wins (and five earned runs allowed in 42 innings) were against the Giants.

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Okay, all these people complaining about facts like “The top 10% of earners in this country pay 70 % of the taxes, leave out facts like “The top 1% of earners make more than the bottom 50% combined.” It’s like saying “The Yankees pay the highest luxury tax in MLB, we should cut it to be fairer to them.”

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Facebook has become like the Chicago weather. Don’t like it, no problem. Wait five minutes and it will change.

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Facebook changed their site in a major way AGAIN last night. (And, alas, “improved” the UK English version this morning to eliminate that solution.) Who do they think they are? Netflix?

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Actual serious note at the end here below for a change:

In some situations I am a pro-death penalty Democrat. Troy Davis didn’t seem like one of those situations, though admittedly I only know what I have read recently. But in any case, if his execution happened during a GOP presidential debate there would probably be cheers from the audience. And that makes me sad.

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Are we ready for some football? Jokes anyway.

June 29, 2011

Ben Roethlisberger may need an operation to repair his broken foot. Let me guess, if Big Ben checks into a deluxe hotel before the surgery, his fiancee has already vetoed his ordering room service.

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Terrell Owens’ agent says that despite his client’s surgergy, T.O. is not retiring. Not sure how NFL teams looking for a receiver feel about this, but comedy writers across the country are breathing a big sigh of relief.

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Rep. Michele Bachmann’s former chief of staff has declined to work for the campaign and instead endorsed Tim Pawlenty. Bachmann wants to be the next President, she’s more likely to be the next Gingrich.

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Although despite all of Gingrich’s staffer’s quitting, Newt says he is still in the race.  The number of candidates in the GOP field keeps growing and growing. At what point can we start sending one of them home each week without a rose?

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My current dream – Can we get Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin together on the Tonight Show? Preferably the “Jaywalking” segment.

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Malaysia Airlines, responding to complaints from passengers who don’t like to listen to crying in first class, has now banned babies from the first class cabin on their Boeing 747-400 jets, and plans to expand the ban to other planes. One question – are they talking only about chronological babies?

 

 

In an interview on Fox News Tuesday night, Bristol Palin declined to comment about her mother’s possible run for the presidency, saying “What happens at our kitchen table stays at our kitchen table.” Well, at least until we decide to write a book about it.

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Apparently Major League Baseball is likely to file a motion to seize the Los Angeles Dodgers. Amazing how fast Bud Selig can moves when he wants to. Meanwhile, his three-man “Blue Ribbon Committee” studying the Oakland A’s possible move to San Jose hasn’t come up with a decision after over two years….

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Pope Benedict XVI used an iPad to send out his first-ever tweet this morning. So how come the Vatican is so open to adopting technology, and so rigidly against adopting ideas like a (officially) non-celibate clergy?

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Final score from Tuesday in the first game of a doubleheader.  San Francisco 13, Chicago 7.  Did the Giants miss an extra point or something?

 

Here we go again. This time it’s Georgia’s athletic department that has contacted the NCAA and the SEC regarding possible eligibility problems – with football player Jarvis Jones and incoming basketball player Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. At this point it’s enough to make sports fans long for the comparative innnocence and purity of bicycle racing.

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From Jim Barach:   Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton is blaming his poor daytime batting average on having blue eyes. He doesn’t understand that before 1947, the number one reason most major leaguers were in the big leagues was having blue eyes.

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Shivering towards Spring…

February 3, 2011

On college football’s national “Letter of Intent” day, the top four schoools as far as signees were Florida State, Alabama, Auburn and USC.

And curiously enough at none of the four was a flake of snow to be found today.

Although for that matter, at none of the top four schools did the signed letter of intent indicate any intent to actually go to any classes.

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As baseball’s Spring Training approaches, many in the San Francisco area are worried out loud about what might happen this year with the Giants. “Will all the attention and the pressure of being World Series champions make it harder for the team to succeed this year?” And on the North Side of Chicago fans are saying “Oh, STFU.”

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Okay, fans of the NBA equivalent of train wrecks – who wants to see the Washington Wizards travel to Cleveland to take on the Cavaliers? (They can’t BOTH lose, can’t they?”)

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Ines Sainz, the television reporter who was allegedly harrassed by the New York Jets in their locker room, is covering the Super Bowl. And was dressed for Media Day in a sequined micro-mini dress with stiletto heels. Can’t imagine why she would have a problem with players taking her seriously….

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In Devon, England, a Scottish man was sentenced to 24 months supervision (probation) after he pled guilty to charges of having sex with a horse. It’s a good news for the Royal family that Prince Charles probably has diplomatic immunity. (Yes, i know, mean, but somebody’s got to do it.)

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Former USC quarterback, Mitch Mustain, who left the school early for this year’s NFL draft, was arrested late Tuesday night on suspicion of selling prescription drugs. Mustain wanted to be the next Mark Sanchez, looks like he’s more likely to be the next Todd Marinovich.

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A CNN.com story about the new camaraderie between Rush Limbaugh and Elton John is titled “Unlikely Bedfellows.” Sorry, for those of us with visual minds, that’s a really scary headline.

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The Washington Post is reporting that Redskins owners Dan Snyder is trying to get a reporter from a small newspaper fired. The reporter in question wrote a long piece about all the things that have gone wrong during Snyder’s tenure. Here’s a suggestion if Dan wants a positive story written instead – “Sell the team.”

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Lou Pinella has signed on with the San Francisco Giants as a special assistant. No word on his exact duties yet, but manager Bruce Bochy hopes to use him as a designated dirt kicker.

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The NFL and other professional football.

January 24, 2011

(if this post seems out of order, it should have been up Saturday night, ah, technology.)

USC has gone back to the NCAA infractions committee in hopes of having their football bowl ban and other punishments reduced. The Trojans are basing their appeal on the recently discovered section of the rulebook best known as the Auburn-Ohio State codicil.

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Over 78,000 fans showed up at Auburn University’s Jordan-Hare Stadium to celebrate the team’s national championship. Makes sense, many of them wanted just to make sure they saw the trophy before the NCAA takes it back.

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Okay, so California this year had exactly zero good NFL teams.  On the other hand, game time temperature in Chicago Sunday afternoon was 19 degrees.  In Pittsburgh, 15 degrees. Before wind chill.  So how about those Giants?

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In the spirit of bi-partisanism, many lawmakers in Washington D.C. will be sitting during the State of the Union with rivals and colleagues they might barely talk with at other times. In fact, rumor has it Bill might even sit with Hillary.

 

Pope Benedict XVI told priests Saturday to try to do a better job with pre-marriage counselling, adding that no one has an “absolute right” to a wedding. Yes, and who better to decide the potential viability of a marriage than a bunch of theoretically celibate men?

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That video of the woman texting and walking into the fountain has become one of the most popular of the year. The only problem? The number of accidents caused by people watching it on their phones and/or fowarding it to their friends while driving.

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The state of California, once again, is in dire financial straits and may have to issue IOUs.  But former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger could actually help the state out for a change.  Now that he is out of office, he could soon be back paying taxes on his profits from lousy movies.

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Finally, on the anniversary of Roe V. Wade:  Speakerof the House  John Boehner likes to tout how important anti-choice legislation is to him and the GOP.

But I have a question, while reasonable people can disagree on the abortion issue, how anyone possibly claim to be both “Pro” life, and “Anti” banning assault weapons?

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Super, whether you like it or not.

January 24, 2011

So for several hours, America has known the participants in the February 6 Super Bowl.    And in a few more hours, the Super Bowl pre-game show will start.

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From Nick Coombs “Over/Under for the words “Roethelisberger” and “redemption” appearing in the same sentence in the next two weeks… 5000.”

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And let’s see, Joe Buck, Tim McCarver, Terry Bradshaw. Where’s the rule that says the importance of the game is inversely proportion to the quality of the national announcers.

But except for a few minutes when the Jets and Bears looked like they might actually pull off comebacks, how uninteresting  were these championship games?  Across America, men turned  to their wives and asking “So honey, want to go see “No Strings Attached?”

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Actually no team today played consistently well for more than a half. It was enough to make fans long for the  crisp execution of teams in the Pro Bowl.

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For any Canadian readers, the Montreal Alouettes had to be watching all four teams today and saying “We can take these guys.”

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If it had been Tom Brady and the Patriots against the Steelers today, instead of Mark Sanchez and the Jets, think the refs might have once again enforced the “tuck rule?

We already know what the answer would be if the Raiders were involved.  (Although it’s hard to imagine the Raiders these days anywhere near the AFC championship.)

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Okay, how many of you have added Caleb Hanie to their 2012 fantasy team?

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And wonder how many Bears fans actually started chanting for Rex Grossman?

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How low has the bi-partisanism bar been set in this country when this is considered news? On “Meet the Press,” Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor says he believes Obama is a citizen.

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Well, looks there will be some good news for New York fans after today. They can save the ridiculous sums they were planning to spend on going to the Super Bowl and use the money towards a down payment on Yankees tickets.

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Scary thought for baby boomers and post-boomers – Jack LaLanne was old when we STARTED watching him….

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And the following, forwarded by a friend, might be one of the best protest signs ever. And I’m not a religious person.

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Benched, bothered and bewildered.

December 17, 2010

So the Redskins benched Donovan McNabb in favor of Rex Grossman.  Wonder how many folks in Chicago are recovering from beer, milk, wine coming out of their nose?

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Michigan State Coach Tom Izzo will sit out Michigan State’s game on Saturday against Prairie View A&M, after receiving a one game suspension for a “secondary” rules violiation involving hiring an associate of a potential recruit.

Really? A one game suspension against Prairie View A&M.  Wonder if the NCAA will also make sure Izzo gets medical attention for that slap on the wrist?

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With the Broncos’ regular QB  Kyle Orton ailing, there is a chance Tim Tebow could start Sunday for Denver. There is some concern that the former Heisman winner may not yet be NFL ready. Although based on their record, neither are the rest of the Broncos.

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The Big 10 has announced they are “reconsidering” their “Leaders” and “Legends” designations for their two new football divisions starting in 2012.

What was their first clue?   All the computer science and engineering students students signing up to play online?

Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany said he was “surprised” by fan reaction, which he referred to as a “90 percent nonapproval rating.”   Yeah, that is surprising.  10 percent of fans like the names?

From Bill Littlejohn”  Suddenly the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim doesn’t sound so bad.

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The Beef O’Brady’s Bowl,  pitting Louisville against Southern Miss, will be played December 21 at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg,.  Is this some sort of experiment to see if they can find a sporting event that will underdraw the Tampa Bay Rays?

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Yao Ming is out for the year with a stress fracture in this ankle. Which means that Jeremy Lin, from Palo Alto High School and Harvard,  is currently the best Asian player in the NBA.

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Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh will accept the Woody Hayes award for coaching from the Touchdown Club in Columbus in February, and he says he is thrilled bcause “Woody is one of my heroes.” Anyone still think Harbaugh is a frontrunner to coach at Michigan?

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Numbers game.

December 15, 2010

 The New York Yankees say they are not upset about being spurned by Cliff Lee. In fact they are happily going to move on, and just buy the Phillies.

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But regarding the Cliff Lee signing saga, who knew? On the whole he’d rather be in Philadelphia.

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From Gary Morton: The Yankees haven’t been “whupped” this bad by someone named Lee since Bull Run.

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Brett Favre still isn’t ready to rule out coming back for one more year.  But while Vikings’ fans may have had enough, late night talk show hosts and comedy writers are unianimous in saying he shouldn’t give up on his dream.

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Lies, damn lies and statistics example for the day: With the Phillies signing of Cliff Lee, right now the “average” ERA for starting pitchers next year in the state of Philadelphia looks pretty good. Tell that to Pirates fans.

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Looking ahead? The game currently known as the “Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl” just inked a deal with BYU to play in 2013, assuming the Cougars end up at least a .500 team. The New York Yankees are wondering how much it would cost to make the same arrangement with the 2013 World Series.

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But really, BYU is a basic lock for a 2013 bowl, Hawaii, Army and Navy have similar deals, Ohio State is going to New Orleans because the Sugar Bowl organizers knew from a prior bowl their fans would buy tickets and show up….   As far as rewarding the best competitors these bowls are making “Dancing with the Stars” look good.

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New University of Florida football coach Will Muschamp says he intends for the Gators to start running a pro-style offense. Makes sense with so many U. of F. players ending up in the NFL. Might as well make the transition a little easier, especially as some of them will no doubt be taking a pay cut.

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NY Jets coach Sal Alosi has been fined $25,000 and suspended without pay for that little sideline incident with the Miami Dolphins player. Which makes this one of the most ill-advised and expensive little trips ever, or at least since Tiger Woods decided to race off heaven-knows-where down his own driveway.

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The Redskins cut punter and holder Hunter Smith, whose inability to catch the ball for the extra point cost Washington a chance to tie the game against Tampa Bay last week. Smith was also the team punter, but his net average was 31st in the NFL.

Okay, you punt for the Redskins and you are nearly the worst in the league?   No excuse.  Or at least it’s not a question of lack of practice.

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Regarding ESPN’s new theory of World, or at least National League, domination:

Roy Halliday is 33,  Cole Hamels is 27, Cliff Lee is 32, and Roy Oswald is 33.

Meanwhile the oldest of the S.F. Giants “big four,” Jonathan Sanchez is 28.  Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum are 26, and Madison Burgarner is 21.

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Mitt Romney now says that American workers should just save money to pay for their own unemployment benefits. And presumably these workers should save enough so they can eat their daily cake too.

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Well, we don’t know how John Boehner will do as Speaker of the House, but we sure know he must never have played baseball.

(Since a few friends never saw “League of their Own” –  as Tom Hanks said, “there’s no crying in baseball.”)

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