Posted tagged ‘49ers jokes’

Oh, brother.

January 21, 2013

Harbaugh Bowl here we come.

The story is that Joanie Harbaugh, sister to John and Jim, is the most competitive of the Harbaugh siblings. Wonder how many NFL teams will be lining up to offer her a contract.

Actually the Super Bowl itself should be no problem. But what John and Jim Harbaugh’s parents really want to do is to hide out from the media for 13 days of interview hell.

Well, now that the SF 49ers are going to the Super Bowl, maybe they finally can get some corporation to pony up over $300 million for naming rights for their as yet unnamed Santa Clara stadium opening in 2014.

Monte T’eo has agreed to an televised interview with Katie Couric. Did even Oprah find his potential explanations unbelievable?

Okay, I know I personally got distracted by the Manti T’eo girlfriend issue and Lance Armstrong but watching the 49ers Falcons game have to figure the  NFL outlawed pass defense last week while we weren’t paying attention?

Happiest football fans in the country right now: anyone who went to Vegas and bet the “over” on the 49ers-Falcons. (Which was about 49.)

Open note to all NFL players: Yes, I understand your exuberance over a good play, but is it really necessary to dance when it’s early in the first quarter?

It took over five hours for Novak Djokovic to beat Stanislas Wawrinka in an Australian Open match. Five hours?! That’s almost as long as the opening remarks for a Joe Biden speech.

Although the New York Jets hired Philadelphia Eagles offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg, they apparently have no interest in Michael Vick. Which is bad news, for comedy writers.

Missed SNL this week, of course with Manti T’eo, Lance Armstrong, Jodie Foster’s speech, etc…felt like the entire week was an episode of SNL.

At Newark Airport, a United Airlines employee was injured today when he was pinned between a luggage cart and a food service truck. Most travelers were shocked – United still has food trucks?

Cry me a river… Seine?

January 15, 2013

Lance Armstrong was reportedly in tears when he talked to his Livestrong staff today. So maybe he confessed, or maybe this is just the first step towards a new goal of becoming Speaker of the House.

Lance Armstrong apparently confessed his doping to Oprah in an interview taped today at a downtown Austin hotel. Wonder if the 7-time Tour de France winner stopped on the way at a stable to close the door and look for escaped horses.

Three straight wins for the Washington Wizards?! Quick, someone test for PEDs.

USC has fired their head coach. Trojan fans were sorry to hear it was for men’s basketball, and not Lane Kiffin.

Coca Cola is running a new anti-obesity ad. Isn’t that like John Boehner doing an ad on the dangers of tanning booths? Or John Edwards and Mark Sanford doing a bipartisan ad defending marriage

Ann Romney turned down a chance to be a contestant on “Dancing With the Stars.” Wonder if Ann was afraid she would hurt Mitt’s feelings if she won a national election.

The San Francisco Police Dept. said there were 92 people ejected from the 49ers playoff game Saturday, and 25 people more arrested for public intoxication. Responded Oakland Raiders fans -“Amateurs.”

Major League Baseball will allow interpreters on the mound this year to translate managers and coaches for their pitchers. Think maybe next the league will allow interpreters into the broadcast booth to translate Tim McCarver into less pretentious English?

Gov. Jan Brewer says now Arizona will agree to the Medicaid expansion that is part of Obamacare, saying that if she did not accept the Medicaid funds, other states would. Of course, it’s only wasteful government spending if it doesn’t benefit me.

A former Mafia underboss is saying that Jimmy Hoffa is buried in Detroit. Presumably somewhere that didn’t get a lot of traffic, like the Lions’ end zone.

MLB’s rules committee may declare this year that the fake-to-third, throw-to-first pickoff move is a balk. Well, not like it caught anyone but Barry Bonds anyway.

Since they’ve already cancelled so many NHL games why don’t they just declare the entire season at this point one big playoff and go from there?

Pipped?

November 20, 2012

Well, if the SF 49ers’  Alex Smith didn’t have a headache before tonight.

Will Smith go down in history as the 49ers Wally Pipp?

A bug in the new version of Google’s mobile operating system omits the month of December. And a whole lot of stressed out folks responded “and the problem with that is…?”

Hostess Brands and a key union just agreed to tried to mediate their dispute, so the company may not shut down after all. This is bad news for folks who bought thousands of Twinkies to sell on Ebay. I blame Obama.

Eagles’ coach Andy Reid said he won’t resign, because quitting would be a “cop-out” after he has asked the players to keep fighting. And Philadelphia fans are thinking, “Hey, it’s okay, think of your family, relax, take some time off…

Rutgers and Maryland to the Big 10?!! Right, because when you think of the Midwest, you think of New Jersey and Maryland.

Going into the last regular season college football weekend, who’d a thunk the most popular team at BCS headquarters might well be Kent State? No joke. Had Kent State not upset Rutgers, the Big East’s Scarlet Knights would be undefeated, and two wins away from a legitimate claim over a one-loss SEC team to be in the championship game.

David Beckham announced that he is leaving the Los Angeles Galaxy after the MLS Cup on Dec. 1. Retiring? Of course not? Who do we think he is? Brett Favre?

Petraeus biographer Paula Broadwell apparently is telling friends she is ‘devastated” by the fallout from their relationship. Here’s a hint for the future Paula – if you have to have an affair, it’s best not to go batshit crazy to “defend” it.

The man who recanted his accusation of underage sex against Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash now apparently wants to recant his recantation, along with the $125,000 settlement. Even General Petraeus is thinking “Bad person to have a relationship with, dude.”

Any given away Sunday.

September 23, 2012

Okay, who had this after NFL week 3?. Ben Rothlisberger, Drew Brees, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are all on teams with losing records.

 

Watching today’s 49ers-Vikings game made me glad we don’t have replacement umps in baseball: “So it’s one, two, three, four, five strikes you’re out….”

 

(For anyone who didn’t see, the referees allowed 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh to challenge a play after his third time out, wrongly decided the challenge and then allowed him to all another one.  Might answer the question “whatever happened to Chris Webber?)

Hard to know what’s been uglier in some of Sunday’s NFL games- the officiating or the play on the field?

Well for those fearing that the Washington Nationals winning their division was a sign of the apocalypse, the Redskins appear to be their usual awful selves.

After SF Giants clinched division title last night, SF 49ers decided today was THEIR day to have fans on their feet screaming.

Mitt Romney yesterday warned guests at a fundraiser that Obama could have us “on a pathway to become California.” The fundraiser was in San Diego.

RNC chair Reince Preibus when asked about GOP plans for the economy – “I mean, we’ve got specifics coming out of our eyeballs.” So their plans include a Halloween movie?

NY Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said the man who jumped into the Bronx Zoo’s tiger den wanting to be “one with the tiger,” was not drunk or insane. Well, one out of two, maybe.

Kevin McClatchy, the former owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, said in an interview with The NY Times that he is gay. Would be nice some day if the nationwide reaction was simply “so?”

#2 LSU barely defeated Auburn 12-10 Saturday. Setting the Tigers up for a climactic loss to Alabama  November 3, and another repeat matchup in the BCS championship.

Mitt Romney on fundraising: “I’d far rather be spending my time out in the key swing states campaigning, door-to-door if necessary….but fundraising is a part of politics when your opponent decides not to live by the federal spending limits.” Yep, once again, time to blame Obama.

A Northern California elementary school principal was arrested a charged with selling methamphetamine. I think anyway. Is this a news story or an episode of Breaking Bad?

 

More on Ann Romney’s “This is hard” quote.   It also included  “it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.
Where’s Clint Eastwood to ask the question  “Do you feel lucky, punks?”)

 

Snakes on a higher plane?

May 31, 2012

Mack Wolford, 43, a “serpent-handling” West Virginia pastor, died after his rattlesnake bit him during a church ritual. He had told the Washington Post in 2011 that he watched a snake kill his father in the same ritual 28 years ago. Not sure if Darwin is laughing or crying.

 

Some said Jesse Orosco only stayed in the big leagues because he was a left-handed pitcher who could consistently get Barry Bonds out.  In the same vein,  the Diamondbacks’  Paul Goldschmidt has to be wishing Tim Lincecum pitches forever to give him the same opportunity.   Goldschmidt has 12 HRs in his career  – Four are against Lincecum.

So when Mitt Romney did a fundraiser with “birther” Donald Trump, he said he didn’t always agree with his supporters and vice-versa, but he needed that 50.1%. Now, President Obama actually quit Jeremiah Wright’s church, but nonetheless by that standard is Romney saying attacks by his SuperPACs linking Obama and Rev. Wright are off limits?

Despite the SF Giants-LA Dodgers rivalry, most San Jose residents don’t seem too upset about the Kings being in the Stanley Cup finals. In fact, when asked how they feel about Los Angeles winning the NHL championship, the most common response from Northern Californians was “Los Angeles has a hockey team?

Steve Spurrier is now proposing that college athletes in revenue-producing sports, such as men’s basketball and football, be paid “approximately $3,500 to $4,000” on top of their scholarships to cover living expenses. And SEC players howled – “No way are we taking that pay cut.”

Who says there’s no sympathy between rivals in baseball. Los Angeles Dodgers star Matt Kemp left tonight’s game after re-aggravating the left hamstring that put him on the DL already this year. And the SF Giants and their fans are saying to him “Hey, take care of yourself, rest, and for heaven’s sake don’t rush back.”

This John Edwards jury deliberation is lasting longer than one of John’s $400 haircuts.

Donald Trump has tweeted “What could be better than dinner with @MittRomney and me?” Well, for starters, a root canal.

SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh said the 49ers always wanted to keep Alex Smith, and regarding their “pursuit” of Peyton Manning: “It’s phoney, even the perception we were pursuing him. We were evaluating him.” Sounds like the same rationale some married men use while chatting up young women in hotel bars.

He was, Penn State.

January 23, 2012

R.I.P. Joe Paterno – For his sake it was a shame the cancer didn’t kill him six months earlier. And remembering this Edmund Burke quote -“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”

The cancer killed Paterno so quickly, you have to wonder, was part of the problem that he waited too long to report the symptoms?

Jerry Sandusky’s statement on the passing of Joe Paterno: “This is a sad day!” Yes, agreed, sad that the passing wasn’t Sandusky’s

Kyle Wlliams has now joined Tim Tebow as one of those rare players who can get 60,000 plus fans on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ!”

Weather was so bad at Candlestick fans expected to see a baseball game break out.


Alex Smith picked a bad time to start looking like Alex Smith.

The worst thing about a Boston-New York Super Bowl. It will give ESPN an easy excuse again to start talking about the Red Sox-Yankees.

Kyle Williams will never have to buy himself a drink in New York again.

Baltimore fans watching that last drive? “tell me truly, I implore — Is there — is there balm in Gilette? — tell me — tell me, I implore!” Quoth the Ravens “Nevermore.”

In accepting his MVP award, Ryan Braun said “we all deal with challenges we never expected to endure.” Wonder if that translates to “damn guy TOLD me the stuff was undetectable.”

John Boehner is already referring to President Obama’s Tuesday State of the Union speech as “pathetic.” Presume he’s also already ordered the crying towels?

Gabby Giffords has announced she is retiring from Congress effective Monday. Wish her all the best, and clearly Giffords needs to do what is best for her health. But she is already more articulate than many of her fellow Congresspeople.

Simon Cowell has apparently called off his engagement to long-time girlfriend Mezhgan Hussainy. Poor Simon, looks like he’s never going to find anyone he loves as much as he loves himself..

The Discovery Channel announced Saturday yesterday that they will air a documentary on the Costa Concordia crash this spring. So congratulations to all those who had “seven days” in the pool.

Regarding Steven Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem -Objectively, he wouldn’t have even given himself a ticket to Hollywood.

Oregon head coach Chip Kelly is apparently talking to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers about their head coaching vacancy. Wonder if that means that NCAA investigation into the Ducks’ recruiting program is more serious than we thought.

An Italian rescue official now says there is a possibility that “unregistered” passengers (i.e. stowaways) may have been aboard the Costa Concordia. And we thought our TSA was sloppy.

Your bailout money at work: Goldman Sachs investment banker Jeffrey Verschleiser has been sued from illegally profiting from bad mortgages at Bear Stearns before the firm’s collapse. But now he’s apparently spending over $1 million to take over an entire Aspen hotel for four days for his daughter’s bat mitzah. Even Mitt Romney is saying “How tone deaf can you be?”

Cha-cha-cha changes…..

January 18, 2012

Last week Jon Huntsman called Mitt Romney “unelectable” and “out-of-touch.” This week he endorsed him for President. I know Jon’s a Mormon but he changed his estimation faster than a man at a singles bar at closing time.

Passengers on a BA Miami to London flight were awakened at 300am by an automated message saying “This is an emergency announcement. We may shortly need to make an emergency landing on water.”

A a cabin crew member had pushed the wrong button. Wonder if the employee might be terminated. If so, they are likely to get a job offer from Costa Cruise Lines.

But come on, really? You try to delete spam or a pop-up ad sometimes and get the response “Are you really sure you want to delete this message,” Or “Are you really sure you want to navigate away from this page?” Doesn’t it seem like there should be a “Are you SURE you want to push this button?” message.


Dwight Howard has now apparently added the Clippers to his trade wish list. Wonder how long it will take Jack Nicholson to apply for season tickets.

Highly-rated QB prospect Gunner Kiel has enrolled at Notre Dame, after first committing to Indiana, and then LSU. Who’s Kiel’s role model? Brett Favre?

Celebrity chef Paula Deen announced she has Type 2 diabetes. For anyone who’s followed her cooking show or her books, there’s just one question – “What took so long?”

High school QB Gunner Kiel, rated #2 in the country, has now committed to three different colleges. Now, former top prospect Andrew Luck called his own plays. Don’t think this will happen with Kiel. Coaches will have to figure he’ll never decide what play to call.

Nick Montana, son of Joe, is transferring from the University of Washington to a junior college, in hopes of eventually finding another four year school where he can play more. And the BCS still says it’s all about protecting the “student-athletes.”

n Santa Rosa, California, a police sting caught 9 people driving away from the courthouse, out of 18 who had JUST been told by a judge not to drive. Along with the original charges will the police add enhancements for stupidity?

A final written tally of the Iowa caucus votes will be released Friday, and it turns out Rick Santorum may have actually beaten Mitt Romney. Who did the original counting? Rick Perry?

The SF Giants have signed Pablo Sandoval to a 3-year contract. The contract is guaranteed unless the Panda does anything dangerous, like motorcycling, mountain climbing, or getting within 50 feet of a Taco Bell.

Mitt Romney said today that he most of his income comes from investments (makes sense, since he’s been running for President for the last eight years) and currently pays taxes “close to the 15% rate.” 15%. Yeah, I can see why he thinks he needs a tax cut….

More Romney: In discussing his probable 15% tax rate, he said it is because he has mostly investment income, adding “I get speakers fees from time to time, but not very much.” Last year, Romney earned only $374,327.62 in speaking fees. Can’t imagine how Mitt gets the image of being out of touch.

A new PPP (Public Policy Polling) poll shows President Obama leading Mitt Romney 49-45. Now polls can vary but one interesting side note: Romney leads by 6 points with men, but Obama leads by 14 points with women. (Comments on this one especially encouraged.)

When we hope the Lights Don’t Go Down in the City.

January 16, 2012

The 49ers get another playoff home game, which should be at night. Will ticket holders be asked to bring flashlights?

Lakers 73, Dallas 70? Or was that score left over from a Baylor football game?

How long until we start seeing Costa Concordia cocktails? Presumably something Italian on the rocks, with a lot of water.


And ah, perspective. Micky Arison, the owner of the Miami Heat, is also the CEO and majority owner of Carnival Cruise Lines, parent company of Costa. Last week if you asked him he might have said the biggest disaster he’d seen this year was Lebron’s performance in the NBA finals.


George Clooney won a Golden Globes award for “The Descendants.” Probably because as unlikely as it seemed, he actually gave a believable performance as a man a woman might actually cheat on.

Stephen Colbert, taking Mitt Romney’s “corporations are people” to its logical conclusion, now has a satiric commercial saying that Romney’s time doing leveraged buyouts makes him a serial killer. Wonder how long it will take President Obama to beg Colbert to run in more GOP primaries.

South Carolina’s leading newspaper endorsed Jon Huntsman, saying that of the “two sensible, experienced grownups in the race, he was “more principled, has a far more impressive resume and offers a significantly more important message.” So, of course after that Huntsman knew he has no chance and had to quit.

Whose endorsement was less enthusiastic? John Elway’s saying Tebow is next year’s Broncos starter? Or Jon Huntsman saying Mitt Romney is now the GOP’s best Presidential candidate?


Marc Ragovin’s take on Jon’s Huntsman’s throwing his support to Mitt Romney. That is like the Cubs having “Go Yankees” night.

Who’d a thunk it. Alex Smith this past weekend gave his best Aaron Rodgers impersonation, while Aaron Rodgers gave his best Alex Smith impersonation.

Rick Perry last weekend compared himself to Moses. And a voice from the heavens boomed down “I knew Moses, Moses was a friend of mine, Governor, you’re no Moses.”

Another in the long line of “you cannot make this ‘stuff’ up” items: Georgia Republican state Rep. Kip Smith, the sponsor of a bill that would “require random drug testing” for citizens on public assistance, was arrested early Friday morning in an Atlanta suburb and charged with DUI.

A man in Southern California have arrested a man who they say added chemicals into his wife’s Rice Krispies cereal last week in attempt to kill her. What, as opposed to the chemicals already in the cereal?

From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Tim Tebow had a feeling he was in for a rough game against the Pats. When he prayed before the game, God told Tebow to take the Pats and give the 14.5 points.”

When the lights go down in the city.

December 20, 2011

The Monday Night Football game between the 49ers and Steelers was delayed tonight due to a blown transformer. Biggest power outage involving San Francisco sports since the Giants were batting.

In fact, a second power outage of the night stopped the already delayed game for about 20 minutes at Candlestick. The only people smiling are those behind the efforts to move the team to a new stadium in Santa Clara.

Said my friend Tammy Serna from the game – ” Now we know how Raider fans feel (blacked out).”

Nice win for the 49ers tonight. But to be honest, Big Ben didn’t look to be in good enough shape even to score on a co-ed.

All kinds of potential songs to set the video of the 49ers-Steelers game to -“Lights”, “Back in Black,” “You don’t see me….”


They have smart guys at Stanford. Great answer from former Cardinal and current 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh when asked what it was like in the San Francisco locker room when the lights went out. “It was dark.”

House Republicans are heading towards a pre-Christmas showdown about the payroll tax with President Obama. But in a chicken game about getting home for the holidays, Obama may well win — he doesn’t need to get a reservation on a commercial plane.

A Marist poll of over 1,000 Americans found the most annoying word of 2011 is “Whatever.” Said most Americans under 30 – “Whatever.”

The South Korea military is on full alert after the death of Kim John Il. Maybe, considering how well North Korea does everything else, they are a little worried about any potential funeral fireworks show.

A Northern California man who has fathered 14 children as a free sperm donor has been told to cease and desist. The FDA has he could face a $100,000 fine or prison time because he’s giving away his sperm without the proper blood tests. Uh, someone better rein in this government agency before it decimates the NBA.

Another example of why procrastination can be a good thing. Think of all those people who sent in their 2012 Death Lotto’s with Kim Jong Il high on the list.

From Paul Seaburn: Somewhere in hell, Osama bin Laden looked up, saw Kim Jong Il arrive and said, “Are you my virgin?”


Up in Canada, the Quebec government is upset because the Montreal Canadiens hired an interim coach who can’t speak French. Big deal, down in the U.S. we’ve elected a President who can’t speak English.

(and a Governor of California)

A Marist poll of over 1,000 Americans found the most annoying word of 2011 is “Whatever.” Said most Americans under 30 – “Whatever.”

Newt Gingrich’s stay at the top of the Republican polls may be over. I don’t agree with Michelle Bachmann on much, but her “flavor of the month” line about the GOP primary appears to be right on. (Except when someone is only the flavor of the week.)

Surging in the polls, Jon Huntsman is up to TWO percent in the last CNN GOP primary poll. This puts him only seven percent behind “undecided.”

Penn State Quarterback Matt McGloin is taking full responsibility for his locker room fight with Curtis Drake. Amazing. Someone at Penn State is taking responsibility for something?


Meanwhile, as Jerry Sandusky keeps talking about “horsing around,” the equine community has filed a grievance -they want their word back.

The Jets-Giants rivalry game is six days away, and Rex Ryan has already started on the “we’re better” talk. And if this matchup doesn’t decide anything presumably players from both teams can have a “Words With Friends” game during the Super Bowl.

In the bag?

November 28, 2011

For their environmentally conscious fans, this Christmas season, the 49ers are now putting their logo on a reusable shopping bag. Apparently the sack can be used at least nine times.

All these pundits saying how much better the SEC is than the Pac 12. Well, in that case why don’t some SEC teams schedule regular season games against some Pac 12 teams on the West Coast for the “easy” wins and the bragging rights….? (Heck, there isn’t even a scheduled bowl game with a SEC-Pac 12 matchup.)

6-6 UCLA will go to the Rose Bowl if by some miracle they upset Oregon next week. And 7-5 Louisville is still alive for a major bowl bid as potential Big East champions. Wonder if they call them BCS bowls because NCAA basketball nixed the term “January Madness?”


On the other hand, it’s not just the BCS that can mess up college football. The newly expanded Pac 12 has their first championship game next weekend. Because of the conference divisions, it will pit 11-1 Oregon against 6-6 UCLA. Yes, those same Bruins who warmed up for the game by losing to USC 50-0.

In that 50-0 loss, the Bruins wore white. Wonder if the uniforms were made of used flags?


NASA’s Mars rover “Curiosity” lifted off today on a two-year mission to Mars looking for signs of potential life. If successful, “Curiosity” will next look for signs of life with Mitt Romney.

President Obama went shopping with his daughters at two local small bookstores in Washington, DC today. Waiting to see which GOP candidate will be the first to claim that buying books is elitist.

One of many silver linings from the NBA lockout. Fans of the Clippers, Wizards and Raptors probably won’t have to watch their teams lose 50 games this year.

And the real reason the NBA settled their lockout in time for Christmas games? The players couldn’t face the thought of having to decide which of their families to spend the holidays with.

Moving the football.

November 21, 2011

Who knew? The so-called “Game of the Century” between LSU and Alabama, might not have been one of the top ten college games of November.

Listening to all these NFL players introduce themselves and their college, I propose a new rule – You only get to mention your college or university IF you have actually graduated.

Stanford’s Andrew Luck was named a first-team Academic All-American with his 3.48 GPA in Architectural Design. In the SEC, at least a few QBs can allegedly spell “Architectural Design.”

All this strength-of-schedule crap. Never going to change with the BCS. Because an out-of-conference loss knocks teams down so far, there’s no reason for SEC to play good Big 12, Big 10 or Pac 12 teams. And vice versa. We get one or two games like LSU-Oregon and the rest is conjecture. Another reason we need a playoff.


The University of Miami, currently tied for #7 in the ACC, has decided to self-impose a bowl ban for 2011. What a crushing disappointment for all those kids who grew up dreaming of playing in the AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl.

While readers may know I’m biased in favor of Stanford, I am not a 49ers fan (I root for the Saints.) But San Francisco is having an impressive year.

For those West Coast sports fans tired of East Coast bias, the most fun part about listening to the Sunday Night Football? Listening to the announcers talk about marquee teams like the Giants and Eagles, and realizing neither of them is playing as well as the 49ers.

Of course, if the BCS had anything to do with the NFL playoffs, the 49ers would be seeded about 10th.

“Breaking Dawn” took in over $139 million this weekend. With an audience that was 80 percent women. Amazing. How the heck did some of those women get men to go with them?

(my niece Sarah implies some teenage boys may have been crazy like foxes and gone to a showing to meet teenage girls. Alex Kaseberg says “It rained so hard in LA it washed a straight dude into a showing of “Breaking Dawn.”)

Of course, maybe this is all a plot. By opening “Breaking Dawn” the weekend before Black Friday, millions of American men may decide that if their wives or girlfriends give them choice, they’d rather go shopping.

Jim Harbaugh was the most sought after potential NFL head coach last year. And it is just possible that he might have been under-rated.

Congress is giving us yet another oxymoron – “Super-committee.”

The new MLB contract between the owners and players will reputedly include testing for HGH. Translation- The players have found something better.

In Sunday’s Vikings-Raiders game, Minnesota almost punted early because the officials forgot third down. “See, not so easy is it?” said Rick Perry.

Flying high.

September 26, 2011

“Pan Am”, set in 1963, is full of beautiful young women serving as flight attendants. For anyone who wants to see those young women almost 50 years later, I think many of them are still working on United’s Hawaii flights.


Younger people watching “Pan Am” have to be questioning a few anachronisms. Some may wonder “what’s a girdle?” And still younger viewers may be wondering “How come they’re not collecting money for food?”

Michael Vick is complaining that a Giants’ player hit him when he was down and defenceless. Uh, yeah, that would be bad. I mean, who’d even do that to an animal?

For those SF fans who will really miss watching 2011’s low scoring Giants games, looks like the 49ers are ready to pick up the slack.

Another thought while watching the 49ers-Bengals matchup? Would either of these teams be able to crack the AP top 25?

(My friend Alec Schubert says he’s not sure the Bengals could beat the University of Cincinnati Bearcats. He could be right.)

New England blows a 21-0 lead and loses to the Bills, Boston is now only 1 game up on the Rays after barely splitting a doubleheader to the Yankees. Forget the Tea Party, the next thing dumped into Boston Harbor may be Patriots and Red Sox gear.


Four interceptions for Tom Brady Sunday. The only way the day could have been more embarrassing is if another ex-girlfriend turned up pregnant.

Even Fox News is slamming Rick Perry’s performance at the last debate. Who knew? Maybe we anointed George W. Bush with the title “Dumbest governor of Texas ever” a little too soon?

A survey published today said that prices at U.S. gas pumps have dropped 12 cents over the past two weeks. Let’s see how the airlines translate that into hiking their fuel surcharge.

Well, it’s early in the NFL season. But when Andrew Luck thought last year about returning to Stanford, and what that might mean for his NFL career, I don’t think that one potential option in his mind would have been understudying Peyton Manning.

Texas A & M is now officially going to be an SEC member. Bernie Machen, SEC chair and University of Florida president, said: “The addition of Texas A&M University as the SEC’s 13th member gives our league a prestigious academic institution with a strong athletic tradition. What does that mean in SEC-speak – the Aggies can spell “prestigious?


The inventor of Doritos, Arch West, 97, has died. Across the world, millions will temporarily extinguish their joints in his honor.


Cal graduates can stop reading before the last item.

Great news that the two Berkeley hikers who were held prisoner by Iran are back in the U.S. But really, wouldn’t Stanford hikers have been smart enough not to hike along the Iran-Iraq border in the first place?

Start spreading the fabulous news.

September 20, 2011

In honor of the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” at today at midnight, two quotes from a noted commie-pinko liberal: “Everyone knows that gays have served honorably in the military since at least the time of Julius Caesar.” And “You don’t have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.” (Yep, Barry Goldwater.)

Mariano Rivera got his 602th save today – in front of 40,045, the smallest crowd of the year at Yankee Stadium. Wonder if that’s because of President Obama’s proposed tax hikes on millionaires – maybe a lot of New Yorkers figured they couldn’t afford seats anymore.

Darn shame for San Francisco Giants fans that in their longshot quest for a playoff spot the team isn’t chasing the Red Sox.


This Netflix price hike is looking like the smartest business decision since “New Coke.”

An 21 year old man in Lincoln, Nebraska somehow got drunk enough to mistake a police station for a casino. He wandered in and asked for blackjack chips. When a staffer sent him away, the man returned a few minutes later and asked again. (.273, in case you wondered.) So the cops threw him in a detox cell.

Talk about double or nothing. Even Mel Gibson is thinking “How drunk do you have to be to act that stupid?”

Signs of Autumn: Falling leaves, falling Red Sox, falling Braves……

‎49ers coach Jim Harbaugh may be regretting his decision not to accept a Dallas penalty that would have erased a field goal but given the team the chance to build up their lead with a potential touchdown. (The Niners would have had first and 10 at the Cowboys 22.) Have to wonder, would Harbaugh’s decision have been different if he were coaching against Pete Carroll?

The ACC, now home to Pitt and Syracuse, has a reputation of being one of the better conferences academically. And for a starter example, they’re smart enough not to put a number like 10 or 12 or 8 in their title that has to be changed all the time.

Michele Bachmann is still defending her comments about the danger of the HPV vaccine, saying on CNN tonight “I wasn’t speaking as a doctor. I wasn’t speaking as a scientist…” Amazed she didn’t add: “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.”

There are rumors that Bachmann’s campaign may not last that much longer. Which is bad news on the jobs front – for comedy writers.

President Obama said today – “It’s not class warfare, it’s math.” Wonder how long it will take for Rick Perry to respond “Math is a theory.”

But okay, closing with a commie-pinko thought. I get that many millionaires want to hold onto every penny they can. But it is truly amazing to me that the GOP so has many lower and middle class folks screaming class warfare when THEY are the class currently getting scr*wed.

Crazy times.

July 29, 2011

Ann Coulter said on the Joy Behar show that some gay people can indeed ‘pray away the gay.’ The response from the gay community -if that were true we could “pray away” Ann Coulter.

Sarah Palin urged House Republican freshmen today to stick to their principles when it comes to raising the debt limit. Well, at least until half way through the vote.

Do we need any more proof that this recession isn’t hurting the rich? Whole Foods just announced a 35 percent jump in their fiscal third quarter profit.

President Obama is having a tough time getting any sort of bipartisan agreement these days. Shame he can’t promise that if we get a deal on the debt ceiling he would get rid of Dan Snyder.

(for the uninitiated,  Snyder is the owner of the Washington Redskins, and one of the few men in D.C. equally hated by both sides.)

John McCain yesterday quoted a Wall Street Journal article in referring to those who don’t want to raise the debt-ceiling as “Tea Party Hobbits.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology – from Hobbits.

But really, John McCain as the voice of reason?   Either he’s remembered the Senator he used to be, or he’s forgotten those years he was running for President.  (Or he’s starting to listen to Meghan.)

The San Diego Padres and Petco set a Guinness World Record during their annual “Dog Days of Summer” day: The most dogs in a pet costume parade – 337 to be exact. (Pretty safe bet this is not a record that will ever be topped by cats.)

The Tennessee Titans have released Vince Young, their first pick (#3 overall in the the 2006 draft.) So as unbelievable as it seems, yes, folks, Alex Smith with the 49ers has outlasted him.

And at a early practice Thursday, Michael Crabtree injured his foot and may be out 4-6 weeks.  On a brighter note, the 49ers’ chances to win the Andrew Luck lottery just went up another notch.

 

Amy Winehouse’s family thinks she died of “alcohol withdrawal,” basically from because they say she stopped drinking cold-turkey. Whether it’s true or not, hope no one shows this story to Lindsay Lohan.

In a recent study of possible compulsive behavior, subjects checked their smartphones an average of  34 times a day. One word – “Amateurs.”

Last week Texas Gov. Rick Perry was asked about NY’s new same-sex marriage law. He replied “That’s New York, and that’s their business, and that’s fine with me.” Today he said “it’s fine with me that a state is using their sovereign rights to decide an issue. Obviously gay marriage is not fine with me. My stance hasn’t changed.” Sounds like it’s not just good hair that Rick has in common with John Kerry.

So the standard GOP line is that tax cuts for the rich will be good for all Americans. So let’s see, for a semi-test case, this week the federal aviation tax has expired, meaning in theory a 7.5 percent cut in the cost of airline tickets. And what have most airlines done? Raised fares 7.5 percent to make up for the tax cut.

A couple thoughts to end from T.C.

Regarding that 19 inning game ending at 1:50am. The Pirates that got hosed by the blown call at home plate. If it was the Yankees, MLB would have a new replay policy in effect, retroactive to 1:45am.

Likely (sick)  headline coming soon? “Mike Vick to unleash Favre as backup”

Oops, we missed it again.

July 28, 2011
 
 
(and yes, that white thing behind the catcher’s back foot IS the plate.)
 
Regarding that play at home in the Pirates-Braves game last night: Joe Torre, now MLB’s executive V.P. for operations, stated “Unfortunately, it appears that the call was missed.” In related news, Amy Winehouse’s death may have been drug related.
 
When they play the National Anthem in future at MLB games this season, hope umpire Jerry Meals is ready. Because when they start out ‘Oh say can you see?,” everyone but Braves fans will loudly scream -“NO.”
 
 
 
So with the Carlos Beltran trade to the Giants a done deal, the leading slugger on the trade market may be the Rays’ B.J. Upton. Who is referred to by Sports Illustrated as “enigmatic.” Translation of “enigmatic?” “Headcase.”
 
 
Some New York fans are enjoying their sour grapes  – this anonymous comment “few Mets fans will forget his at-bat during the ninth inning of Game 7 of the 2006 NL championship series against St. Louis. Beltran came up with the bases loaded and the Mets trailing 3-1, and struck out looking to end the game.”
 
Uh, yeah, almost the same thing happened in last year’s NLCS with Ryan Howard, in a one run game with two on, when he took a backdoor slider from Brian Wilson to also strike out looking to end the game. 
 
And I don’t think Phillies fans want Howard out of town. Yet anyway.
 
Good thing for SF Giants that they aren’t in the AL East. After Brian Wilson’s All-Star introduction of Carlos Beltran – “the guy’s a phenomenal hitter, a switch hitter, there’s talks of him coming over to the Giants. More than welcome. Come on over, pal.”- the Yankees would probably get Selig to overturn the deal for tampering.
Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancee said they only had sex once and it was over “in two seconds.” Really? Come on. Nothing lasts only two seconds. Except maybe the Cubs’ pennant hopes in April.
.
 
The IRS has said that airlines should refund passengers for the collected but currently expired federal aviation tax. Want to bet it how long it takes for the first airline to say that the cost of processing such credits is a service fee exactly equal to the proposed refund?
 
 
 
 Speaker John Boehner told his fellow Republicans to “Get your ass in line.” In related news, Larry Craig has decided it might be time to run again for Congress.
 
 

A tale of two franchises. Wednesday the San Francisco Giants acquired Carlos Beltran. And on the same day the San Francisco 49ers re-signed Alex Smith.

Sarah Palin said that “Scaring the American people is exactly what President Obama is doing,” in regards to the debt ceiling. Oh please oh please can someone just ask Palin if she can explain the debt ceiling.

Have the Giants considered just gifting Barry Zito to the Yankees to replace Phil Hughes? Could be an upgrade for both teams.

Harbaugh bidding wars – “The Decision, The Sequel?”

January 7, 2011

Actually,however this turns out, the drama with Jim Harbaugh is considerably more interesting than “the Decision.”

But okay, here’s my solution for short-term gain for Stanford fans and potential long-term gain for San Francisco fans. Have Harbaugh ask for a deferral of the coaching job offer for one year. Then let Jed York coach his own team. Result – a great year for the Cardinal and a sure #1 pick for the 49ers in 2012 to choose Luck.

Meanwhile, this year, guess Andrew Luck decided another year of college WAS something that could be fina’ than to be in Carolina….-

 The Miami Dolphins, presumably impressed by Stanford’s Orange Bowl performance,  reportedly offered coach Jim Harbaugh $7 million a year. Unfortunately most teams in the AFC South aren’t quite as easy to beat as Virginia Tech. Teams in the NFC West, maybe.

 SF 49ers owner Jed York said he was going to do a “global” search for an experienced GM, and ended up almost immediately going down the hall for V.P. of Player Personnel Trent Baalke. But give the guy a break, he worked at least as hard on the search as O.J. did on his for the real killer.

Figure skater Johnny Weir has announced in his autobiography that he is gay. Not to dismiss his courageous decision, but wouldn’t it be bigger news if a male figure skater announced he WASN’T gay?

Dulles Airport was basically closed today for two hours while airport police investigated a suspicious package that turned out to be harmless. So where are all those high-tech X-Ray machines when they really need them?

Edgar Renteria has signed with the Cincinnati Reds. Based on their 2010 postseason performance it seems clear that Edgar decided he was just tired of all that World Series pressure.

Despite his previous opposition to DADT repeal, John McCain now says he will act “to make it work.” This could be a sign of his fundamental practicality, or that as a good military man he believes in following laws, even when he disagrees with them. Or that at his age, John just doesn’t remember voting against it.

After winning the World Junior Championships, The Russian junior players were booted off their flight home as it was deemed they were too intoxicated and were declared a safety threat.  In their defense, the players said they were in training to become pilots.

Augie comments about the story that John Edwards and Rielle Hunter may be engaged:   Surprised he’s not registered at Crate and Barrel.  Since most women would want to put him in one or the other.

The British Airport Authority has called in experts to help them avoid another disaster like they had last December, where at most 5 inches of snow shut down Heathrow for days. This in fact was the biggest mess caused by just a few inches since Brett Favre texted those pictures to Jenn Sterger.

Michele Bachmann has been appointed to serve on the House Intelligence Committee. What’s next, Sarah Palin on the board of PETA?

Not that Brett Favre doesn’t appear to be a grade-A scumbag where women are concerned. But I do have one question for Jenn Sterger. If he was being THAT offensive, why didn’t you just call the phone company and have them block calls from his number?               
.                                        

.

Regarding those Southwest commercials attacking other airlines for their change fees:, I agree that it’s nice that the airline doesn’t charge change fees per se. But what they don’t mention, if you are on a discount ticket and want to standby on an earlier flight, you have to pay the difference between your fare and the full fare, even if the earlier flight has empty seats.

Jolly older men.

December 27, 2010

On Christmas Eve, Michelle Obama helped answer phone calls from children to NORAD’s Santa tracking hotline. Which is a change from the last two first ladies. Laura didn’t want to spoil the fantasy for George W., and while Hillary Clinton has many skills, keeping track of the whereabouts of large smiling men was never her strong suit.

So Hugh Hefner, 84, is engaged to a 24 year old Playmate. Americans aren’t known for their higher math skills, but I suppose we may now find out how many times 84 goes into 24.

Hugh Hefner tweeted the announcement of his engagement to his 24 year old girlfriend Crystal Harris . What’s more amazing, that the 84 year old Hef is marrying a woman 60 years his junior, or that he knows how to use Twitter?

With their game against the Eagles now scheduled for Tuesday, the Minnesota Vikings have now had three games in a row delayed and/or moved this winter.  Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for Brett Favre to say privately that he would retire when “hell freezes over.”

The Kraft “Fight Hunger” Bowl will be January 9  at A T and T Park between Nevada and Boston College.  Not to be confused with the San Francisco 49ers – Arizona Cardinals game on Jan 2 at Candlestick Park, which will probably be known as the “Fight Boredom” Bowl.

Ever wanted to have a good example for the phrase “Addition by subtraction?” How about the Cincinnati Bengals on Sunday – with their best win of year, 34-20 over the Chargers? And due to injuries neither T.O. nor Ochocinco were involved.

In Philly Disney’s ice show has been postponed along with Vikings-Eagles game. So with Brett Favre still hoping to play that makes two delayed “Fantasies on Ice.”

So who had December 26 in the Mike Singletary pool?

This just didn’t turn out to be Singletary’s year…. the man much remembered for his role in the “Super Bowl Shuffle,” will now be remembered for his role in the 49ers Quarterback Shuffle.

After the latest census, New York lost two congressional seats while Florida gained two seats. Won’t affect things that much in Washington though, those new residents are mostly former New Yorkers who just fled south to avoid the winters.

Oh, the weather inside is frightful….

December 16, 2010

Brett Favre is iffy, now the Vikings placed his backup Tavaris Jackson on injured reserve with a turf toe injury. Who knew? Looks like the Metrodome is in better shape than Minnesota’s quarterbacks?

Still, conditions in the dome, including another leak, will make it uninhabitable for a while.

(Twins fans, happy and with no regrets with their new outdoor stadium, say “What else is new?”)

The Chicago Bears may protest having to play their upcoming game with the Vikings outdoors at the University of Minnesota’s TCF Bank Stadium, because the outdoor stadium has limited facilities to warm the turf. Other NFL teams who have played over the years at Soldier Field just giggled.

Possible good news for Chicago fans though.  If the Bears play as badly as they did against the Patriots, maybe there will be enough snow  that no one can see it.

The Vikings put out a desperation call for a QB – Favre is out, Jackson is out. Minnesota wanted to know if ANYONE could play this weekend. Rumor has it JaMarcus Russell called and said “I’m available.” And the Vikes said, “Uh, actually we were considering a direct snap offense.”

Brett Favre spoke today about his shoulder injury potentially being career ending: “There’s no way I would even consider (playing) with those symptoms still. I think I would be foolish to even think that way.” And who would ever think Favre might make a foolish decision?

After Thursday night, they’re the 5-9ers.

49ers, or 5-9ers, coach Mike Singletary after tonight’s 34-7 loss.  “We had a lot of opportunities, we made mistakes, we let it get away from us.”  Doesn’t that pretty much describe San Francisco’s whole season?

Director Blake Edwards died today at the age of 88. Funeral arrangements are pending while his family looks for an appropriate “Reum.”

R.I.P. Bob Feller, 92, one of the greatest pitchers of all time. Larry King was particularly saddened by his passing; King had hoped to have “that nice young man” on his farewell show.

Listening to the news where they describe a murder suspect as being “armed and dangerous.” Excuse me, if someone is a suspect in a murder, and they are “armed,” isn’t it a given that they are also dangerous?

Love this line from Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, about one of the greatest Canadians ever to play baseball, (no, that’s not an oxymoron) Ferguson Jenkins, who has been honored with a postage stamp in his native country:

“Best thing about Canada’s new Ferguson Jenkins postage stamp?

You don’t even have to lick the whole thing — just hit the corners.”

Tacky time

December 10, 2010

 The Philadelpha Eagles are complaining that other teams aren’t being penalized for illegal hits on Michael Vick. But really, should they be surprised? It’s a “dog eat dog” world.

One little potential sidelight of the Orange Bowl, by the way, is that the Stanford band will have an opportunity to do a halftime show while playing Vick’s alma mater, Virginia Tech.  I’m sure if they choose to honor Vick it will be done in a tasteful fashion.

Alex Smith of the San Francisco 49ers said in an interview he still believes he’s a good quarterback. Even Sarah Palin said “That man is seriously delusional.”

The University of Texas paid football coach Mack Brown over $5 million this year. And the Longhorns won exactly five games. Wow.  Maybe this is the guy who should be coaching the 49ers and Alex Smith.

$1 million dollars a victory. That’s actually less than what the San Francisco Giants have paying Barry Zito.

That fired Macy’s Santa from San Francisco, (who was  fired for telling a very mildly risque joke to an older adult couple who wanted to sit on his lap)  has become an international sensation.  Newspapers and media outlets from all over the world are picking up the story. And tonight, Santa, aka John Toomey, appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Apparently current day Macy’s executives learned NOTHING from watching “Miracle on 34th Street.”  .

(for anyone who hasn’t heard the joke, it’s retold at the bottom of this blog.)

– 

So DADT failed on the floor of the Senate Thursday because “only” 57 Senators wanted to bring it to a vote. Uh, maybe I’m wrong but I thought part of what our military has been fighting for is the right to have a majority-rule democracy.

Derek Fisher made a last-second layup for the Lakers to beat the Clippers 87-86.  A buzzer-beater against the Clippers? Shouldn’t that have an asterisk?

We’re less than a week from the end of the college football season, and a month away from the end of the bowl season. And so far Iowa’s WR Derrell Johnson Koulianos and Nebraska’s DT Baker Steinkuhler have been arrested. Disappointing on some level but good news for all those who took “over” in the police blotter pool.

You cannot make this stuff up: I received an email on behalf of two cruise clients from Princess Cruises warning that their immigration information was not complete and they would not be able to board. Turns out they had passport, birthdates, etc, all fine, but the missing information was that they forgot to say Mr. Scott X is male, and Mrs. Sarah X is female.

Thought from Bill Littlejohn: “The first seven minutes of the men’s college basketball game between Illinois and Oakland was reportedly mistakenly played with a womens ball.Actually, it was a men’s ball that had been mistakenly stored in the Colorado Rockies’ humidor” 
 

(Wonder how they could tell they had the women’s ball. The ref’s first clue might have been that the players were actually passing it.)

The joke that got Santa fired at Macy’s, which he said he never told to children, was that the reason Santa is so jolly is that “he knows where all the naughty boys and girls live.”

Bowling for dollars…

November 30, 2010

TCU, (Texas Christian University) ,which is in Fort Worth, just accepted an invitation to join the Big East. Looks like the folks in Texas take geography as seriously as they take history and science.

Although to be fair, Fort Worth is at least in the Eastern half  of Texas?

The reason for this alignment is simple, if TCU is part of a major conference, they have a theoretical chance every year to go to a big money bowl game, which the BCS hopes will shut many of its critics up.   (Although anyone who thinks this will toughen up their schedule…. let’s see, Connecticut, Rutgers, Louisville, U Conn….it’s not exactly a murderer’s row football conference.)

With TCU adopting the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” to the BCS system by joining the Big East, that leaves Boise State as the odd team out of the independent powerhouses.

Presumably the Broncos are looking for a conference that’s a good fit for their abilities – maybe the NFC West?

Funeral arrangements are pending for Leslie Nielsen. Apparently he wanted an open-casket ceremony with his body unclothed. For all those who have never seen a grown man naked.

Now there are rumors that the Broncos may have videotaped other teams besides the 49ers. And yet Denver is 3 and 7. This could end up being the worst waste of film since “Ishtar.”

Meanwhile, the San Francisco 49ers, now 4 and 7, are alive for a playoff spot. Only in the NFC West can a team potentially qualify for the postseason with a record that might not even make them NCAA bowl eligible.

Apparently Miami Heat players are complaining about coach Erik Spoelstra, saying he is “not letting them be themselves.” Oh, I don’t know, based on their ego-driven offseason antics, maybe the problem is that Spoelstra is letting Lebron and company absolutely be themselves.

Tonight, however, the Heat clubhouse is full of a little more sweetness and light.  Of course, that’s because they took advantage of one temporary cure for a tough season – playing the Wizards.

So the San Francisco 49ers, now 4 and 7, are alive for a playoff spot. Only in the NFL West can a team potentially qualify for the postseason with a record that might not even make them NCAA bowl eligible.

New York is playing hardball with Derek Jeter over his contract.  One Yankees staffer reported said that Jeter and his agent, Casey Close, need to “drink the reality potion.”

Okay, did you ever think you’d hear the words “Yankees” and “reality potion” in a discussion involving salaries?

The University of Michigan is paying Rich Rodriguez a lot of money. And because he left his old school and broke a contract to coach the Wolverines, they are paying off his old school, West Virginia, as well.

Now Michigan is probably heading to the Insight Bowl.  (See if you can name the place and date of that one without looking it up.)  The West Virginia Mountaineers, however, if they win on Saturday, will probably go to the BCS Orange bowl.

Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?

Monday night was the premier of “Skating with the Stars.”  Finally, a television option for those who feel “Dancing with the Stars” just isn’t gay enough