So many questions?

Posted October 8, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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Definition of a “non-essential government worker.” Anyone whose job doesn’t immediately and directly benefit me.

A jealous Saudi husband divorced his wife after she posted a snap of her kissing an Arabian filly’s face. Was he jealous of his wife or the horse?

A 21 year-old Texas high school teacher is under fire because it’s been discovered that she posed for Playboy as an 18 year-old college student. So far she’s keeping her job. And requests from fathers for parent-teacher conferences have probably jumped 1000%.

Detroit Lions center Dominic Raiola apologized to Wisconsin’s marching band today for his “inappropriate” comments made to them before last Sunday’s game. Hmm, usually when you hear “apologized” “marching band” and “inappropriate” in the same sentence, the Stanford band is involved.

John Boehner: “I didn’t come here to shut down the government. And I certainly didn’t come here to default on our debt.” (But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once?)

A new poll says that the GOP could lose the House over backlash from the current shutdown. But maybe Boehner has a plan for that too – shutdown the voting booths?

Nike unveiled new Pro Bowl uniforms today, changing their colors from blue and red to orange and yellow. Sure, that will do it. The reason the game has been so unwatchable has been the color scheme….

Two bases-loaded, nobody out situations today in the MLB playoffs… without a score. Somewhere Rod Beck and Harry Houdini are smiling.

Wonder if the #Rays put a few sharks in their stingray pool  tonight to keep the #RedSox out of it?

The 9 year old boy who sneaked onto the Delta flight apparently has previously sneaked into water parks, had gotten at least one free meal at a restaurant, and once stole a car. Wonder how many start-up companies want to hire him.

Should we be that shocked that a child was able to sneak his way onto the plane, apparently by boarding with a family with a number of boarding passes…. Gate agents often seem to have no interest in counting carry-on bags, we expect them to count kids?

 

From T.C.   “Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called his teams loss to the Broncos a moral victory. Translation: they beat the spread and I made a shitload of money.”

Stay classy, Arizona. Your move, Florida: State Rep. Brenda Barton (R. Payson) on FB: “Someone is paying the National Park Service thugs overtime for their efforts to carry out the order of De Fuhrer… where are our Constitutional Sheriffs who can revoke the Park Service Rangers authority to arrest??? Do we have any Sheriffs with a pair?”

Mark Sanchez had season-ending surgery today, and said “I’m very disappointed that I can’t be out there to help my team on the field.” Many NY Jets fans are thinking that he’s doing a great job of helping his team by staying OFF the field.

Cleveland Browns executive Jon Sandusky, son of former Penn State assistant Jerry Sandusky, was arrested today for alleged DUI. Maybe he wanted to spend some quality time with his dad?

When asked by a reporter’s today about a vote on a “clean” continuing resolution – to reopen the government with no strings attached – in order to end the shutdown. Boehner walked away humming “Doo, doo, doo.” I think one less “doo” would have about described the Speaker’s strategy.

Amazing. Listening to those on the right, sometimes Obama is an arrogant authoritarian socialist President using his unfettered power to destroy our country. Other times he is completely bumbling and ineffectual, unable to accomplish anything. It’s so confusing.

The Pretenders?

Posted October 7, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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USC announced that imposters pretending to be from the University contacted both Jack Del Rio and Tony Dungy about their vacant coaching position. There’s a certain symmetry, for years, Lane Kiffin was pretending to be a big time coach.

Beginning to think God is really really tired of that tomahawk chop

Philadelphia and Dallas are tied for the NFC East lead, with 2-3 records. It’s early days yet, but to make the NFL playoffs, shouldn’t your team be good enough at least to be bowl eligible.

In an interview with New York Magazine, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia talked the “coarsening” of society, due to “the constant use of the F-word — including, you know, ladies using it.” Of course, many of the “ladies” using the F-word have been using it in response to some of Scalia’s statements.

Eli Manning today in a radio appearance “I don’t think I’m playing lousy.” Fair enough. “Lousy” would be an improvement.

Flori-duh moment of the day. Freshman GOP Rep. Tom Yoho, on if the U.S. fails to raise the debt limit. “I think, personally, it would bring stability to the world markets.” (Before he ran for Congress, his first elected office, Yoho was a large-animal veterinarian….)

This just in: PETA is protesting the Tampa Bay win as being cruel to actual Rays. #stingraypoolwalkoff

The Denver Broncos are a NFL record 28-point favorite over the Jacksonville Jaguars this week. Have to wonder if the spread would be less if the Broncos were playing the FSU Seminoles.

QB Matt Flynn was cut today by Oakland. He’s made $14.51 million in the last two years from the Raiders and Seahawks, and started exactly one game. With that kind of performance to pay ratio what’s Flynn’s next move – a run for Congress?

The Redskins return from their bye week next Sunday. Disappointing all fans who thought they were one of the few good things to be shutdown in Washington.

Oops. In Los Angeles, the school district spent $1 billion to give 650,000 plus students iPads. Only problem, the high school kids cracked the security settings so they could play games and post on social media during class. On the brighter side, American ingenuity is alive and well.

As the shutdown continues, it’s interesting that the party that has made such an issue of the sanctity of voting and the need to tighten requirements to avoid voter fraud, is also the party that sees no need to take an actual vote…

Ah technology, United Airlines sent a  message about booking a hotel on United.com for a new reservation to Los Angeles. For a same-day roundtrip. Makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about their autopilot.

.

VOTE and other four letter words….

Posted October 7, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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John Boehner this morning: “The votes are not in the House to pass a clean debt limit.” Gosh. If there were only a simple way to find out whether or not the Speaker is right.

And Boehner says while refusing to let the House vote on a clean bill simply to end the shutdown, President Obama “has my number.” What? 1-800-Douchebag?

Canadian-born Texas Senator Ted Cruz today linked raising the debt ceiling to defunding Obamacare. Amazing, a man born in a country where everyone has healthcare, working in a job where everyone has healthcare, doesn’t think everyone else deserves healthcare.

Bizarre fact about Stanford football this year. The only game that is not sold out is the “Big Game” against Berkeley. Of course, as my friend Michael McNabb put it, “Cal is taking a bye year.”

Back to sports for a bit:

#AndrewLuck does what his former coach couldn’t do this year. Beat Pete Carroll and the Seahawks.

Pittsburgh Pirates team payroll, about $66 million. $7 million less than A-Rod, Vernon Wells and Alfonso Soriano by themselves.

Okay, who had the New Orleans Saints and KC Chiefs 5-0 and the NY Giants 0-5? Now all you liars put your hands down.

51-48.  So who decided that today the Cowboys and Broncos were going to play arena football?

A 9-year-old boy got through security and onto a Delta Air Lines flight at Minneapolis Airport without a ticket this week. But no doubt TSA found and confiscated his bottle of water?

Manti T’eo and the San Diego Chargers played the Raiders in Oakland Sunday night, and fans in the “Black Hole” had a banner ready: ““R.I.P. Lennay Kekua.” Well, that might answer one question, where do Stanford Band members go after they graduate?

From Jim Barach  “California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars.”

A California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/272724/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-October-4-2013-Edition-439#sthash.4IcKrR46.dpuf

A California youth football league will start to fine teams that win games by more than 35 points. The ruling has caused three of the teams to cancel games they had scheduled against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Jim Barach of WCH

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/272724/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-October-4-2013-Edition-439#sthash.4IcKrR46.dpuf

At the California GOP convention, many attendees said they were worried about mid-term elections after this shutdown to repeal Obamacare. Well, maybe Boehner will just lead the next shutdown to try to repeal the 19th amendment.

 

British newspapers are reporting that Prince Harry may soon marry his girlfriend Cressida Bonas. Prompting a singular response from male British royal watchers – WWPW – What will Pippa Wear?

 

Apparently U.S. forces have captured a major Al Qaeda leader in Libya, a man who was wanted for the 1998 bombings of U.S. embassies in Africa. Finally, something for which the GOP will not blame Obama.

The playing’s the thing.

Posted October 6, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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Navy beat Air Force in a game played Saturday despite the government shutdown. Now, if somehow due to security issues ALL football games were cancelled during the shutdown, this thing would be over by 1p Sunday – the time of the first NFL kickoffs.

During all these college football games, universities like to run commercials touting their academics complete with lots of pictures. A shame players probably don’t see the ads, many of them would enjoy seeing what the classrooms look like.

Listening to some of these members of Congress who say they NEED their paychecks: If you can’t live on $174,000 a year with a little cushion for emergencies how dare you say you know how to manage taxpayer money?

 

Oops, regulators had to halt trading in Tweeter Home Entertainment Group after their shares surged 2,200%, to 15 cents. Tweeter went out of business in 2007, but their symbol TWTRQ, is one letter shorter than Twitter’s TWTR, which will IPO in November. Right, if we privatize social security what could POSSIBLY go wrong?

 

 

Obama said that if he were the owner of the Washington Redskins, and he knew the name was “offending a sizable group of people,” then he would “think about changing it.’ Now, if the President did suddenly own the Redskins, he’d start with some real bipartisan goodwill, as the current owner offends nearly everyone. #DanSnydersucks

Alabama 45, Georgia State 3.    But the Crimson Tide didn’t cover the 55 point spread yet. Once again, showing that the official food of the SEC should be the cupcake.

Headline about the driver shot and killed outside the Capitol last week “Police say woman deluded about Obama.” Uh, doesn’t that describe most Fox News viewers?

 

 

Getting the sense that John Boehner has backed himself into a round room and is looking to hide in a safe corner. #Shutdown

 

 

The House is apparently behind a resolution to give back pay to furloughed government employees for the time they end up not working. Are they trying to turn them all into honorary members of Congress?

 

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, asked why 2/3 of the uninsured in Texas have jobs — but no health care. “Again, it goes back to the choice that people get to make. Would you rather have a job, or would you rather be on public assistance? It’s as simple as that.” I guess it’s also a simple choice not to get sick?

 

Stanford out-gained by 200 yards tonight but hung on to win 31-28. No first downs in the fourth quarter… This time Cardinal fans were glad all the East Coast viewers had gone to bed.

 

 

NY Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday afternoon. Scary thing is, somebody has to win.

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “The NFC East is so weak, I think one more Giants’ loss and they clinch a first round bye.

Games people play

Posted October 5, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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Now John Boehner is urging President Obama to negotiate on the shutdown, saying “This is not some damn game.” Well, if it’s not some damn game, why doesn’t the Speaker simply call a damn vote.

 

Apparently the elevators at O.co Coliseum have already had issues. Everyone has fingers crossed for the plumbing. When they talk about if Oakland can make it to game 5 or 7 in a series, they may really mean whether the stadium will hold up that long.

If you don’t have a NL team to root for to get to the World Series, may I suggest Pittsburgh. Not only are the Pirates the underdogs, but they have a fun young team, a beautiful stadium, and oh yeah, it will drive ratings-hungry Fox television executives crazy.

Dusty Baker was fired by the Reds when Cincinnati once again failed to make it out of the first round, in their third playoff appearance in the last four years. Three in the last four years. Somewhere Cubs fans are just weeping.

The Atlanta Braves didn’t even sell out their playoff game Thursday night. Maybe to increase attendance they should play during the halftime of a University of Georgia football game?

 

This Max Scherzer guy is pretty good. Maybe if ESPN and FOX hadn’t been so focused on Yankees-Red Sox more Americans might care about the ALDS because they would have seen the Tigers, and for that matter the As, play several games.

 

LA Dodgers hit into so many double plays Friday night; if it weren’t for the color of their uniforms fans might think they are watching the 2013 SF Giants.

Alex Rodriguez is now suing Bud Selig. Any way they can both lose? #douchebags

A-Rod says in his lawsuit that ‘MLB is trying to destroy me.” Methinks the Yankees slugger is doing a pretty good job of that by himself.

 

Friday night, Alex Rodriguez filed his second lawsuit of the day. This time against the Yankees team doctor and the hospital for misdiagnosing his left hip injury during the 2012 playoffs. Shame A-Rod’s lawyers can’t file a lawsuit against the guy in his mirror.

 

Jesse Ventura said on CNN’s Crossfire tonight that he might run for President in 2016. Even Donald Trump is thinking “You’re delusional.”

 

Another thought on the GOP government shutdown “Kamikaze missions rarely turn out well, least of all for the pilots.” From the editorial pages of that commie pinko rag, the Wall Street Journal.

 

Penn Gov. Tom Corbett, asked about his lawyers’ statement comparing legalizing gay marriage to legalizing marriage for children “It was an inappropriate analogy. I think a much better analogy would have been brother and sister.” So what is Corbett doing? Trying to divert media attention from the crazies in Congress?

 

 

 

Let them eat cake, after they put in on layaway first?   Nebraska GOP Rep. Lee Terry on still accepting his salary during the shutdown: “Dang straight. I’ve got a nice house and a kid in college, and I’ll tell you we cannot handle it. Giving our paycheck away when you still worked and earned it? That’s just not going to fly.”

MLB Shutdowns…

Posted October 3, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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It’s getting to be a sign of October. Falling temperatures, falling leaves, falling Braves….

Maybe the baseball gods are just really tired of the Tomahawk Chop?

Only people sadder than Braves and Pirates fans Thursday night were probably network executives who saw ratings crash.  In the St. Louis – Pittsburgh game probably as soon as the Cardinals put up a touchdown in the 3rd inning.

In tonight’s NFL game, the starting quarterbacks for both the Bills and the Browns were both injured and knocked out of the game. Is this God’s way of saying he REALLY misses Tebow?

Roger Goodell sent an email to millions of fans in the NFL database saying the league is  “committed “to deliver the game that the fans love and the safety that players deserve.”  Was he inspired by Bud Selig’s saying the steroid era is over.


From TC  “Sundays Raiders game has been pushed back to 8:30pm due to the A’s playoff game on Saturday. Supposedly it takes over 24 hours to remove the sewage from the baseball game and replace it with fresh sewage for football.”

Kobe Bryant apparently has left the country for an “undisclosed medical procedure.” Presumably Vanessa sent him somewhere they don’t have room service?

Indiana GOP Rep. Marlin Stutzman on the shutdown objective: “We’re not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this. And I don’t know what that even is.” Gosh. With that kind of mature attitude maybe Obama just needs to offer them all a new blankee.

Fox News is referring to the government shutdown as a “slimdown.” What’s next, praising Speaker Boehner for helping our country with waist management?

Furloughed FEMA employees are being recalled due to storm forecasts in Louisiana. And Gov. Bobby Jindal declared a state of emergency. Uh, wait a minute, the Congressman for the New Orleans area is a Democrat, but the rest of the Louisiana’s House members are Republicans. Shouldn’t the feds honor their wishes for their districts and observe the shutdown?

President Obama has challenged the Speaker of the House simply to vote on the Senate-approved spending plan which could end the shutdown. Waiting for Boehner to respond something like “voting is unAmerican.”

Ah, Florida. A 19 year old lesbian from Vero Beach has accepted a plea for four months in jail and two years of house arrest. She had sex when she was 18 with a 14-year-old girl who was a high school classmates. The young woman would have probably faced a lesser penalty had she been straight and accidentally shot her friend.

Fined and dandy?

Posted October 2, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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49ers safety Donte Whitner, fined $21,000 by the league for a hit last week, says he is legally changing his name to “Hitner.” Wonder how much the NFL will fine him for that?

Chelsea Clinton says now that she hopes she and her husband will have a baby in 2014. So, let’s see, it will be about 2060 when that baby runs against Jenna Bush’s baby for President?

AL Wild Card game is over. And congrats to the Tampa Bay Rays. Otherwise known as “Half of Fox’s Potential World Series Ratings Nightmare.”

Stan points out about the Pirates’ last time in the playoffs:     How long ago was that.   Infants born in 1992 can now legally buy & be served alcohol.

 

All these night time pictures of the brightly lit Capitol in Washington, D.C. during the government shutdown. Shouldn’t they at least turn out the lights?

Barbara Boxer of California has a bill most Americans could agree on: If there is a Federal shutdown, Congress doesn’t get paid. (It passed the Senate two years ago, the House wouldn’t vote on it. Why am I not surprised? She’s  trying again.)

A-Rod is now claiming he thought the expensive substances he bought secretly from Biogenesis were legal. If he gets any more duplicitous Rodriguez is going to be recruited to run for Congress.

One of the scariest things about this shutdown. From CNN: “Both Democrats and Republicans say that a clean spending measure — with no Obamacare amendments, as urged by the president and his allies — would pass the House with support from the Democratic minority and moderate Republicans.”

Both the Yankees and Cubs are expected to offer Joe Girardi contracts next year. But Girardi supposedly is also toying with moving to television. Of course, with either team right now, there’s a good chance he’d be free to broadcast the MLB playoffs.

In the midst of Iran’s charm offensive comes news that a new law in the country will allow men to marry their adopted daughters at the age of 13. Insert very un-PC Arkansas/ West Virginia joke here:.

 

A new book alleges that the NFL crusaded for two decades to deny the link between football and brain damage, despite increasing scientific research showing otherwise. Well, science always was a liberal commie-pinko theory anyway.

 

Excerpt from a letter from Harry Reid to John Boehner:

“I hated the Iraq War. I think I hated it as much as you hate the Affordable Care Act. There were many gut-wrenching nights when I struggled over what I needed to do to end the carnage. In those days, when President Bush was Commander in Chief, I could have taken the steps that you are taking now to block Government funding in order to gain leverage to end the war. I faced a lot of pressure from my own base to take that action. But I did not do that. I felt that it would have been devastating to America.”

Logic, another commie-pinko concept?

Orange Tuesday?

Posted October 2, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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President Obama could end this showdown with Boehner today by issuing an executive order saying that due to the FDA inspector furloughs all tanning salons must be shut immediately.

I do hope Americans who support the Tea Party’s shutting down the government will show their solidarity by not using interstate highways, taking airline flights, cashing Social Security checks etc….

The government shutdown apparently might result in the cancellation of the Air Force-Army football game this weekend. Now we’re getting serious. If by some chance this thing start affecting the NFL Americans will storm the barricades for a resolution.

It’s not just Lane Kiffin who’s unemployed. UConn just let Paul Pasqualoni go after an 0-4 start. The number one reaction? UConn has a football team.

The U.C. Berkeley campus was closed last night due to a power outage caused by a chemical spill and explosion. This is not be be confused with the power outage suffered last Saturday by the Cal football team at Eugene.

If this keeps up John Boehner may actually make many of us miss Newt Gingrich.

Just wondering, when we finally end this shutdown, and we will, assume the GOP is okay with the Democrats also following the “will of the people” and shutting down the government again over gun control?

Let’s see, the FCC is shut. Which means Jon Stewart is on the honor system not to say anything too profane this week.

A New Jersey man is facing charges after he texted the wrong number by mistake saying he had 1/4 lb of marijuana for sale. The text ended up going to a detective… Guess that short-term memory loss includes nine-digit numbers.

 

From T.C.  “Sunday’s Raiders game has been pushed back to 8:30pm due to the A’s playoff game on Saturday. Supposedly it takes over 24 hours to remove the sewage from the baseball game and replace it with fresh sewage for football.”

A Pittsburgh win in October? Since when did they start Tuesday Night Football?

But really, the last time the Pirates were in the playoffs was 1992.    How long ago was that?   Bud Selig was saying he would soon step down as acting commissioner.  And we expected Clinton to be the next president.

Shutting it down

Posted September 30, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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Shouldn’t Congress have learned from the Nationals and Strasburg? Shutdowns just don’t do Washington any good in the long run. #shutdown

Maybe to fix the situation, we should put the Redskins’ defense in charge. They can’t shut down anyone.

Who says there’s no bipartisan spirit in D.C. ?    Why tonight I hear that President Barack Obama offered to send Walter White over to the House to bring the GOP some Stevia for their Tea Party.

You have to love how #Congress says they themselves are “essential government employees” with a straight face. #shutdown

Things are heating up a bit in D.C.   One Congressman referring to GOP members who want to shut down the government:   “Lemmings with suicide vests. They have to be more than just a lemming. Because jumping to your death is not enough.” Oh, and this commie-pinko rep? . Devin Nunes, a Republican from California.

Last night on AMC, millions of Americans tuned in for the dramatic final of “Breaking Bad.”  Now, with the government shutdown, we can all turn to C-Span, and watch “Lawmaking Bad.”

The Chicago #Cubs have fired manager Dale Sveum. No word on a replacement yet. But no job comes with lower expectations.

Former star RB Earl Campbell has joined those calling for the firing of Texas football coach Mack Brown. Well, Lane Kiffin is available….

Asked about benching Geno Smith, NY Jets coach Rex Ryan replied, “It’s not a thought at this point right now.” Mainly because he can’t think of an alternative.

So what time is the SF Giants game tonight?   Sigh.   A. Bartlett Giamatti was right. “It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart….”

In the face of a world-wide boycott, Guido Barilla, CEO of Barilla pasta, is backtracking on his anti-gay remarks of last week and is trying to apologize. Always fun to see “family values” take a back seat to profit values.

USC athletic director Pat Haden says he will keep the search for a new football coach private. Makes sense. Most candidates probably don’t want their current teams to know they are crazy enough to consider the Trojan mess.

This just in. NY Giants Antrel Rolle safety says “I believe we can go 12-0 from this point on. People can look at me like I’m crazy….” Forget crazy, isn’t Rolle worried about prompting the NFL to test him for drugs

 

Okay, it’s early days. But would a Saints-Broncos game be the classiest QB Super Bowl match-up in history?

Lane, if only we barely knew ye…?

Posted September 29, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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First Anthony Weiner, now Lane Kiffin. These are challenging times for comedy writers……

USC announced early this morning that Kiffin had been “relieved of his duties.”  Of course, the school could have just said they made a “Lane change.”

So wonder who’ll have a job again in football first? #LaneKiffin or #TimTebow?

Much speculation on a replacement for Lane Kiffin at USC. It’s early days, but have to figure Chip Kelly might already be getting a bit nostalgic for the Pac 12….

So who’s going to do the retrospective of the Kiffin years at USC? The Stanford Band has already volunteered for the task.

Lane Kiffin was to college coaching what Tim Tebow is to pro quarterbacking. Well, without the charm, humility, and the miraculous ability to win a game now and then.

 

Pat Haden in July 2013: “I anticipate the media will ask me if our football coach is on the hot seat this year “Here is my answer and will be my answer whenever I’m asked: He is not. I’m behind Lane Kiffin 100 percent. I have great confidence in him. He’s a very hard-working, detail-oriented coach. He’s a dynamic playcaller, in my estimation, and he’s an exceptional recruiter. He knows USC and he knows what it takes to be successful here.”

One bench of three seats on a crowded light rail train labeled “reserved for senior citizens and persons with disabilities.”. Three 20 something young women run and grab the seats. All blondes. No comment.

Mitt Romney says now that a main reason he lost last November is that the Hispanic community didn’t understand his immigration stance well enough. Or maybe they understood it too well.

Former Cleveland Browns QB Bernie Kosar was arrested for alleged DUI in Cleveland. Was Kosar trying to prove he still belongs on an active NFL roster.

 

WTF is going on Pittsburgh? The #Pirates are still alive and the #Steelers are dead.

Heard on the SF Giants radio broadcast – “a bases loaded grand slam.”. Well, it’s been a long season for everyone.

72, 71, 84. MPH for Barry Zito’s pitches in a swinging strikeout of Kotsay for Zito’s last time on mound in SF Giants uniform. #rallyzito.

Could have been worse. A fun way to end the season with a walkoff win for #SFGiants. #Firsttotiedforthird

So if the Rangers or Rays somehow win the World Series, there will be how many champagne celebrations? One when they got into the wild card playoff, one if they win the wild card playoff, one for the ALDS, one for the ALCS, and one for the World Series. “You’ve just won the World Series, what are you going to do?” “I’m going to rehab.”

If a government shutdown means furloughing all non-essential employees, what possible excuse can there be for not furloughing Congress?

Dallas 2-2, Philadelphia and Washington, 1-3, and NY 0-4. Is it too soon to rename the division the “NFC Least?”

Where have all the WSU fans gone?

Posted September 29, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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Image

 

Stanford 55-, Washington State 17.   CenturyLink Field doesn’t seem nearly as noisy as when the 49ers played the Seahawks. #Cardinalrules

Wonder if after tonight Jim Harbaugh will call David Shaw for advice how how to play in Seattle?

Maybe NCAA will eliminate sanctions on USC if Trojans extend Lane Kiffin’s contract. #mercyrule

Radio host Paul Finebaum called Lane Kiffin the “Miley Cyrus of college football.” He has a point. Under Kiffin’s leadership, USC football is childish, unwatchable and devoid of original moves.

The Texas Rangers’ six game win streak to keep them alive in the wild card chase would be more impressive if they hadn’t sucked enough the rest of the month to fritter away an almost guaranteed playoff spot.

Notre Dame has lost twice already this season. Irish eyes are not smiling. But everyone else’s are.

 

 

Bummer. Former Detroit Tiger, Gates Brown has passed away at the age of 74. One of my favorite baseball stories ever is from 1968 when Manager Mayo Smith unexpectedly called him to pinch hit. Gates had just grabbed two hot dogs, and didn’t want to waste them, so he stuffed them into his jersey. Then Brown hit a ball he stretched into a double, slid into second base and came up with hot dog and mustard all over his uniform.

SF Giants have signed Hunter Pence for 5 years, $90 million. I guess he will be able to feed his family.

A pastor was shot and killed while preaching today in Louisiana. The saddest thing, he wasn’t from the Westboro Baptist Church.

 

From an anonymous friend;  “Let’s arm all the uninsured people, then let them work out a “market-based solution”. #GOPcare

BYU WR Cody Hoffman was suspended last night for “violating a team rule.” What, did he drink a cup of coffee or something?

Not sure what a government shutdown does and doesn’t affect. But if the Tea Parties are serious about saving taxpayer money, assume they will voluntarily forgo their own salaries and healthcare for the duration?

Stay classy, GOP. As the House tries again to shutdown the U.S. government with a bill to defund Obamacare here’s Rep. John Culberson of Texas, displaying his enthusiasm – “I said, like 9/11, ‘Let’s roll!’”

 

What matters most?

Posted September 28, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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The NFL has fined Cam Newton $10k for using unapproved Under Armour visor clips (with the logo blacked out) on his helmet. The league only found out when a Forbes.com article Tuesday showed pictures of the helmet with the clips. Good to see that with all these arrests and concussions the NFL still finds time for what’s really important.

Okay, I’m no Trojan fan, but… USC’s appeal for reduced football sanctions was denied, after the NCAA did reduce sanctions for Penn State And the NCAA’s statement “There is no comparison between USC and Penn State.” Uh, yeah, right, in one case pkayers got some free stuff and money, and in the other young boys were molested for years. No comparison at all.

 

It’s a shame Mariano Rivera’s last time pitching at Yankee Stadium was in the 9th inning. Had they done his farewell on the mound before they cut off alcohol in the 7th, maybe Mo could have turned water into beer on the way out?

Stay classy, folks. While Kaepernick and Gore were doing postgame TV interviews in St. Louis on TNF, 49ers fans behind the cameras were heard shouting “Seahawks suck! Seahawks suck!” Who do they think they are, Raiders fans?

Barack Obama said today he spoke by phone with Hassan Rouhani. These are strange times when the President of Iran may be more open to reasonable negotiation than the Speaker of the House.

Bill Clinton said he really doesn’t know if Hillary will run for President. Really? As if people might believe in that marriage that one spouse might not know everything the other is doing….

 

Groupon sent out a list of their most popular deals. One is 50% off on-line traffic school. Presumably for those who read about Groupon deals on their phones while driving?

Lebron James is going to give a pregame pep talk for Ohio State players before they play Wisconsin on Saturday. Wonder if the talk will include “And if you play really well, you can end up with an NFL team and move to Florida.”

 

Nicki Minaj told Ellen Degeneres she would “NEVER go back to American Idol.” “What a shame,” said absolutely no one.

 

Sens. Ted Cruz and Mike Lee spoke on the chamber floor again today against Obama. Zero GOP senators showed up. These two are so unwatchable they should be on NBC’s primetime schedule.

 

Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria fired his President of baseball operations Larry Beinfest after 12 years. Beinfest was reportedly muttering as he cleaned out his office “Free at last, free at last…”.

 

From T.C. As each week passes, we get closer to the day when Johnny Manziel signs his autograph for real money. Too bad it will be on a contract with the Jaguars or Browns.

Jacksonville Jaguars are offering free beer to fans who buy tickets. The way the team is playing, shouldn’t they be offering something harder?

Minnesota Vikings and Pittsburgh Steelers are in London preparing for their Sunday matchup. A lot of disadvantages for NFL players having to go overseas for a game. On the other hand, British police may not send Americans their arrest records.

 

 

Goodnight Moon, Exit Sandman

Posted September 26, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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Mariano Rivera, 44, left the mound at Yankee Stadium tonight for the last time. “A promising career ended so young” said Jamie Moyer.

O.J. Simpson has apparently been accused of stealing cookies in prison. What’s his defense going to be… if my clothes still fit, you must acquit?

Apparently Cory Booker has been exchanging some flirty tweets (no pictures) with a Portland stripper. Oh, the indecision of it all, Some of his opponents would like to use this against the unmarried Newark mayor, but then it would go against their accusations of him being gay…..

CNN reports that pilots snoozed in the cockpit of an Airbus A330 flying to London last August, (Apparently a Virgin America plane.) Stand by for a “pilot coffee” surcharge.

From Bill Littlejohn:   “New part-owner Shaquille O’Neal apologized to Sacramento fans for calling their team ‘the Queens’ back in the day.He did, however, encourage them to bring back their cow bells to the arena when Kobe Bryant comes to town”

Sarah Palin is threatening to endorse Primary opponents for GOP Senators who don’t go along with Ted Cruz? Maybe Cruz should really endear himself to Palin and quit his Senate term halfway through.

Bud Selig took over as acting MLB commissioner on Sept. 9, 1992, saying repeatedly he wouldn’t stay on in the job. He has now announced he will retire in 2015. When presumably Bud will join Cher on a farewell tour.

Some try to compare Eli Manning to his brother Peyton. But the way the Giants started off this year, maybe the more apt comparison now is to his dad Archie with the Saints.

An apparent deal has been reached on a U.N. resolution to require Syria to dismantle its chemical weapons stockpiles. Hmm, time for the House to vote to overthrow Obamacare again.

Dodgers fans might want to skip this one  – Even in a lost season there are joys. Like Tim #Lincecum striking out Yasiel #Puig three times in 7 innings. #SFGiants

Wendy Davis is running for Governor of Texas. And somewhere Ann Richards and Molly Ivins are smiling.

Woo hoo! Faceback says they are finally going to have an “Edit” function for original posts. So dyslexics and people who just type too fast – untie!

Our Cup runneth over.

Posted September 26, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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Way over, this thing was supposed to be done a week ago….

Oracle Team USA has won the America’s Cup. In rowing, the winning team tosses the coxswain in the water. Any way Team USA can toss Larry Ellison in the bay?

But really, leave it to Larry Ellison to engender the maximum hate at all times. As Oracle Team USA came back to set up a single final race for the America’s Cup, there were ZERO hotel rooms anywhere near San Francisco, because of… Oracle World.

New Zealand has to be wondering what happened.  Are we sure that last week they didn’t add to their team a nice new sailor named Buckner?

Another thing about Oracle Team USA America’s Cup win today. Finally, someone has won one for our country’s poor downtrodden billionaires.

The Yankees have been officially eliminated from the 2013 postseason race. “Bummer,” said almost nobody outside New York and/or ESPN.

The FBI is now saying the Navy Yard shooter was “delusional.” What was their first clue?

The U.S. Senate just voted 100-0 to move ahead with a bill to keep the government running through Nov. 15. 100-0? Did Ted Cruz decide he likes Green Eggs & Ham.    (Thank you, thank you, Uncle Sam I Am?)

Ted Cruz spoke against Obamacare for 22 hours, but he took breaks of up to an hour. Wendy Davis spoke against closing women’s clinics in Texas for 13 hours, with NO breaks. ZERO. Not even bathroom breaks. Weaker sex, my a**.

Maybe someone should warn #TedCruz that “The Lorax” is not an ode to development.

Barry Zito’s last start as an Giant in SF not quite the same as Mariano Rivera day at Yankee Stadium. But how many teams who’ve lost in the postseason wish they had someone perform like Zito did in 2012. Remember #Rallyzito

And hey so possibly denying LA home field advantage in the playoffs is a bit of a come down from a World Series title… But hey, SF Giants fans have learned to enjoy the little things.

The Post Office is seeking a 3 cent increase in the price of stamps. Assume they announced their plan on Facebook and Twitter.

The Tampa Bay Rays, who will probably make the playoffs, are dead last in attendance, with 18,646 average per game, and the team owner has been quoted as saying “For some reason, people are choosing not to come out as they do in other parts of the country for Major League Baseball.” Apparently he hasn’t spent any time in the stadium either.

Terrellle Pryor was apparently told to stop tweeting after he posted “I don’t remember much! Good hit by whoever it was. I heard our team fought well … We will be back!” The NFL really doesn’t want players tweeting with possible concussions, although actually concussions might explain many idiot tweets…

In a trial over an alleged assault at Aldon Smith’s party last year, the prosecutor said the 49ers LB was stabbed after he used a .45 caliber handgun to fire a warning shot that he hoped would force guests to leave. Wonder if someone has told Smith,  to declare the party over, it’s simpler to turn out the lights or shut down the bar.

Cover stories

Posted September 24, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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 “Rolling Stone” magazine has Miley Cyrus on the cover. Guess they figured there were still people they didn’t manage to offend with the Boston Bomber cover?

The Detroit Lions’ Nate Burleson was injured in a single car accident reportedly caused by him reaching down to pick up a pizza that fell off the front seat. So in addition to the NFL’s trying to get players not to drink and drive, will the league now request that they have pizza DELIVERED?

With this new two wild card system teams can be out of the MLB playoffs before the screen printing is dry on the postseason t-shirts.

Burger King announced they have come up with new french fries containing 40% less fat and 30 % fewer calories. The better, no doubt, to be sold in “Super-sized” portions.

The Houston Astros game had a 0.00 Nielsen rating locally during a loss to the Indians. Actually there might have been a few fans tuned in, but at this point they probably turn off their meters to avoid the shame of it all.

Mets were eliminated weeks ago, Yankees will be eliminated as early as tomorrow, and the Giants are 0-3. So the best team in New York right now is… the Jets?

President Obama indicated willingness at least to consider talking with Iran, “The roadblocks may prove to be too great, but I firmly believe the diplomatic path must be tested.” Suppose that hoping the GOP wishes him and John Kerry success is only slightly less likely than hoping the Cubs win next year’s World Series.

After being down 8-1, Team USA has come back to tie the America’s Cup at 8-8, with one winner-take-all race remaining. If New Zealand does lose the Cup, they will at least be named honorary Chicago Cubs.

The Nationals have been officially eliminated from any possible postseason berth in 2013. Washington fans must be thrilled they shut down Stephen Strasburg last year for this.

The $400 million Powerball jackpot was apparently won by a South Carolina man who stopped in the store when his wife told him to buy hot dog buns. He couldn’t find the buns so on a whim bought $20 in lottery tickets. I can see it now with thousands of men: “Honey, of course I didn’t forget what you asked me to get, I was trying to make us rich.”

So looks like the Texas Rangers’ season will come down to the wire- will they break their fans hearts and just miss the playoffs, or break their hearts later in the playoffs?

The party (bus) is over…?

Posted September 23, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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It’s only September, and we may have the NFL injury of the year: Ravens WR Jacoby Jones, already rehabbing a knee injury, was hurt Sunday night when he was hit over the head on a party bus by a stripper wielding a champagne bottle

Phil Jackson’s fiancee Jeannie Buss just wrote that she felt the hiring of Mike D’Antoni as head coach last year was “a betrayal.””Phil wasn’t looking for the job, and then he wasted 36 hours of his life preparing for it when they were never in a million years going to hire him anyway.” “Wasted 36 hours of his life?” The horror. Most people have done that on a random weekend.-

Costa Concordia captain Francesco Schettino’s trial has begun. And Italian authorities confirmed that they have revoked his Schettino’s maritime navigational license, so he will never again be able to captain a ship. Bummer for all those cruise companies who were lined up to offer him a job at this point…

President Obama says he finally gave up smoking because he said he  was “scared of my wife.” Wow.. If that worked for all vices Bill Clinton might never have done anything to get himself impeached.

Sarah Palin is now saying that Hillary Clinton is “ill-suited” to being president. Some statements are their own punchlines.

Do these online sites have no one to monitor headlines? The NY Post has a big headline on the Kenya mall massacre. Alongside their #1 story “Giants slaughtered by Panthers.”

 

How tangled is this baseball web Bud Selig has woven become? If the Reds and Pirates finished tied, do they have a one-game playoff to decide who gets home field advantage in the one-game playoff?

From my friend Jim Barach:   A Hollywood studio is charging $349 to prepare dogs that qualify as cabin pets for a safe and calm airline flight. Now if someone could only do the same with Alec Baldwin.

(personally, think the program would be useful for a lot of humans.)

Depressing thought, The A’s play in a decrepit mess of a stadium. But if the Rays and Indians make the postseason, Oakland will be the playoff team with only the third worst attendance.

Ted Cruz is quoted in GQ saying that conservatives were “embarrassed” to vote for president in 2008. And no doubt McCain thinks the same about Texas Republicans voting for Senate in 2012.

“Saturday Night Live” became the series with the most Emmys ever, picking up its 40th last night for directly. “Shocking” thought many Americans “SNL is still on the air?”

Leaving aside whether you believe or don’t believe in Obamacare, a simple question. Do we REALLY want to create a system where if one party doesn’t like what the President and Congress (and the Supreme Court) have done, they shut the government down? And someday, it’s going to be the Democrats in the reverse position.

Not the best and the brightest.

Posted September 22, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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Some discussion on whether or not Redskins should change their name. After this week D.C. residents are thinking to avoid embarrassment maybe the team should drop the “Washington.”

If team keeps playing like the last 2 weeks wonder how long it will take San Franciscans to ask them to change name to Santa Clara #49ers?

But really, watching the NFC East, are we sure it’s not too late to make an exception to the NFL rule that someone has to win every division?

Mick Jagger is going to be a great-grandfather. Wonder if the baby will grow up to buy his/her first beer at a Rolling Stones’ farewell concert.

At this point fans who buy tickets to see games involving the Houston Astros are just paying for the live-action version of a forfeit.

A lot of people are just discovering you don’t bet against #AndrewLuck in the San Francisco Bay Area. #Gostanford #Cardinalrules

The injustice of it all. How did Fox & Friends get left out of the Emmy nominations for best comedy? #Emmys

French customs officials intercepted 1.3 TONS of cocaine in checked luggage on an Air France flight from Venezuela to Paris. This would never have happened on a U.S. airline. The smugglers wouldn’t have paid the excess baggage charges.

Looks like SF may have some competition for most disappointing sports team named Giants in 2013.

Michigan managed to beat Akron by 4, and escaped with a 3 point win over Connecticut. Maybe they have a chance of covering next week’s spread… against “bye week.”

ESPN is reporting that Von Miller and his urine collector tried to beat the NFL drug testing by substituting another person’s specimen. Which might have worked except someone discovered that the Broncos LB was not in the city where his collection was supposed to have taken place. A source says there is concern the NFL may have a problem beyond Miller and the collector involved. Ya think…..

Don’t Jeer the Beard?

Posted September 21, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized

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Senator John McCain tweeted after the Dodgers jumped in the Dbacks pool to celebrate “No-class act by a bunch of overpaid, immature, arrogant, spoiled brats!”

Pitcher Brian Wilson’s tweet back “Senator McComplain knows a thing or two about coming in second and watching someone take a plunge in the pool (I mean poll) #POoLITICS

Alex Rodriguez apparently didn’t know Friday night that Andy Pettitte had announced his retirement.  A-Rod also doesn’t know it’s time to announce his OWN retirement.

So the hottest new thing is a gold iPhone, and it’s already sold out? Come on, this is America. How long until someone comes up with iPhone paint?

Anthony Weiner in an interview “I’m not an idiot.” (But I do play one on TV?)

Yet another reason why the America’s Cup has not captured the attention of the country: Today’s race’s cancelled due to “changes in wind direction.”

Raining in Oakland Saturday. And with the stadium’s sewage and draining problems,  had the A’s clinched, they wouldn’t need a pool…. they could have just swam in the dugout.

From Marc Ragovin  “John McCain twitted that the Dodgers’ players celebrating in the Diamondbacks’ stadium pool after clinching the NL West was a “no-class act by a bunch of overpaid, immature, arrogant, spoiled brats.” And he added “and stay off of my lawn.”

Andy Pettitte, who admitted to using HGH, now says “I’ve never tried to cheat anything in my life.”. I guess it depends on what the definition of “cheat” is.

Ohio State 76, FAMU 0. Good thing coach Urban Meyer is a classy guy who would never try to run up a score.

GOP Florida Rep. Ted Yoho, who wants to shut down the govenment over defunding Obama care, told the NY Times “It only takes one with passion — look at Rosa Parks, Lech Walesa, Martin Luther King. people with passion that speak up, they’ll have people follow them because they believe the same way, and smart leadership listens to that.” And somewhere Parks, Walesa and King are taking turns throwing up.

49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, before the season started: “We want to be above reproach.” After Aldon Smith’s latest arrest: “Well, we haven’t killed anyone yet.”

The Cubs say they will not release closer Kevin Gregg despite his public criticism of the team. Makes sense, keep him suffering in Chicago long as possible

There have been rumors that Nick Saban might be lured away from Alabama to coach Texas. Hmm, if true does it means the Crimson Tide is not far away from going on probation?

This has been referred to as “Shark Week” in college football for all the ranked teams against much lesser opponents (Ohio State vs. FAMU, Louisville vs. Florida International, etc. ) In many of these cases think swimmers had a better chance against the sharks.
And while Michigan escaped a now 0-3 UConn, the theme of the week has to be  “What if a week happened in the #NCAA football schedule but nothing happened and nobody cared?”

Two wax jobs

Posted September 20, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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During a road rage incident, two Michigan men actually shot and killed each other. Well, at least the state won’t be wasting money on a “stand your ground” trial.

The Arizona Diamondbacks were whining last night that the LA Dodgers celebrated the NL West in their pool. Whining? Really? There was a much simpler way to avoid that – A few small piranhas….

Was Friday  night’s Sabathia Lincecum #Yankees #SFGiants pitching matchup the record for the biggest size difference between starting pitchers?

 

At Yankee Stadium alcohol sales are cut off after the 7th inning or two hours after the start of the game, whichever comes first. Which means for Red Sox games fans better get in line during the third inning.

Two  things you never expected to read in the same headline: “Iran” and “Charm Offensive.”

 

Nick Saban promised to punish RB T.J. Yeldon after his unsportsmanlike conduct penalty against Texas A & M – for mocking Johnny Manziel with a “money” symbol with his fingers and throat slash gesture. And Saban was true to his word – Yeldon is suspended for ONE quarter, against Colorado State. That’ll teach him….

(And really, with all due respect, as if any Alabama was going to play more than a quarter or two anyway.)

Texans RB Arian Foster says now when he was at Tennessee he needed to accept money for food, while he saw his coach pull up in “a brand new Lexus.” Of course, had Foster gone to USC, he himself could have had the brand new Lexus.

From my funny friend Jim Barach:   “Google has started a company whose mission is to find out how to solve death. Apparently the first thing they are going to work on is AOL.”

Andy Pettitte is retiring again at the end of the 2013 season. He may not make the HOF, but the Yankees’ pitcher may have his eye on Brett Favre’s record.

San Francisco 49ers LB Aldon Smith was arrested a second time for alleged DUI.  And pot possession.  What’s he trying to do, get traded to the Bengals?

Realize that some in the younger generation can’t remember a time without computers, cellphones etc. Even harder to believe, there once was a time when luggage didn’t have wheels.

Apparently the #Cubs are interested in hiring #Yankees manager Joe Girardi. Would be nice change for #Girardi, no pressure to make playoffs.

The Chiefs are 3-0. If Andrew Luck and the Colts somehow beat the 49ers this weekend, how long will it take for SF fans to start waxing nostalgic about Alex Smith?

 

While the House voted to defund Obamacare, why didn’t they really show their support for saving taxpayer dollars by also voting to defund their own expensive healthcare benefits?

Shoot, look who’s the messenger!

Posted September 19, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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Pope Francis said in an interview that the Catholic church has been too focused on the issues of abortion, gay marriage and contraception and suggests it find a “new balance” to deliver its message. Would Francis like to come to America and deliver the same message to the Republican party?

A Pennsylvania man was charged with a DUI, on a riding lawn mower. Wonder if their first clue was that he thought he was driving his car?

Japanese baseball commissioner Ryozo Kato resigned over a controversy involving a new home run record. (The league had switched to a livelier baseball.) Meanwhile, of course, Bud Selig has had NOTHING to do with any of MLB’s home run record issues….

(this last item brought to you by the Brooklyn Bridge realty company.)

Apparently one $400 million winning Powerball ticket was sold today in South Carolina. So regarding Miss Carolina’s comment in the Miss America pageant that 20% of her state lives in mobile homes – make that 20% minus 1.

NASA is looking for participants in a test study to help them find out how the human body reacts to 70 days in a bed rest position. The first questions from most potential men volunteers – “Do we get our own remotes, and how many channels?”

Trent Richardson says he’s excited to join the Colts. A much more positive response than “Thank Gawd I am out of Cleveland.”

From T.C.   “As each week passes, we get closer to the day when Johnny Manziel signs his autograph for real money. Too bad it will be on a contract with the Jaguars or Browns.”

Just thinking, if women with PMS or menopause symptoms regularly picked up weapons and went after strangers, we might be having a very different discussion on gun control.

John McCain wrote a scathing retort to Vladimir Putin for the Russian newspaper Pravda’s online English website. Wonder if the credits underneath said something like “This is from U.S. Senator John McCain. The man who wanted his vice-president to be Sarah Palin.”

-.

Only three things have kept 2013 #SFGiants from being a playoff contender – June, July and August.

 

My son Carey adds, only three things have kept the Houston Astros from being a playoff contender – Spring, Summer and Fall.

 

So Thursday was #TalkLikeAPirateDay. But what does a Wall Street banker sound like?

 

 

Trent Richardson says he’s excited to join the Colts. A much more positive response than “Thank Gawd I am out of Cleveland.”

Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay, who has been free on bail, got his 2010 conviction for money laundering was overturned today. Give Illinois some credit – at least they jail their politicians who are crooks.

Yo, Bud Selig, for teams that don’t make the playoffs, late September should be about playing spoiler. But the SF Giants trying to spoil it for the…. NY Yankees?

 

Ah, that bridge to the 19th century: Ron Paul, talking about how he hopes to have 20% of children home schooled.  And for women “These are the problems I’m trying to correct . Because they have to be in the workforce and they have to work and not take care of kids….”