Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category
July 3, 2014
A Qantas flight from Los Angeles to Melbourne had to turn back when a pipe burst, sending a river of water rushing through the plane. On United they would have just kept going and charged a swimming pool fee.
Qantas may be changing their pre-flight briefing. “In case of rushing water in the aisle, passengers wishing to use the restroom may use their seat cushion as a flotation device.”
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Silver lining about all these religious universities whose beliefs are so pure they don’t want the government involved in their health insurance – it will save taxpayer money because they won’t want tainted government funds for their research grants and student loans, right? #wecandream
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Apparently the #WorldCup television ratings have been higher than those of the NBA finals. #Betterflopping?
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All these NBA players working so hard to see if they can end up on teams together… If they spent as much effort actually working on playing as a team together maybe some of these prima donnas would have a better chance for a ring.
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SportsCenter Breaking News “Lebron James agent meets with multiple teams.” “Lakers and Knicks offer max to Carmelo.” This isn’t an NBA off-season, it’s a bad mini-series of “The Dating Game.”
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#SFGiants manager Bruce Bochy says he will drop Blanco – 10 for 59 since Pagan got hurt- down in the batting order “until he gets his swing.” Uh, except what if 10 for 59 IS his swing?
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Overheard around U.S water coolers today. “Hey, do you know when the next World Cup games are?” “No, me neither.”
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Hillary Clinton said in a BBC interview that she’s “grateful” she forgave Bill over Monica Lewinsky. “Forgiveness is a choice, and I fully respect those who don’t make that choice for whatever reason in their personal or professional lives .But for me, it was absolutely the right choice.” So where’s the applause from “family values” conservatives?
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Stay classy Mississippi. GOP State Sen. Chris McDaniel is offering a $1,000 ‘reward’ for evidence of voter fraud by Senator Thad Cochran, who beat him in the Republican Primary. In this case the “Big Tent” is more like a cover over a boxing ring.
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The economy added 288,000 jobs in June and the unemployment rate fell to 6.1% – the lowest it’s been since September 2008. Time for the GOP to call another hearing on Benghazi.
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From an anonymous friend “Next up: SCOTUS declares the Universal Suffrage Amendment unconstitutional because “it wasn’t in the original Constitution, so the Founding Fathers didn’t want it”. Cave paintings at 11″
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From Bill Littlejohn “Food and drink will be delivered to 49er fans at the new Levi’s Stadium via GPS tracking. Maybe they might reconsider Apple Maps, however, as a couple of construction workers there, however, report that recently their lunches were sent into San Francisco Bay”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lebron jokes, Miami Heat jokes, NBA jokes, Qantas jokes, World Cup jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 3, 2014
Today, U.S. coach Jurgen Klinsmann now says he believed team USA could have won the World Cup — even though he said the exact opposite before they started playing. So maybe Klinsmann’s goal isn’t to be a winning coach, but a politician.
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The Yankees were swept by the Rays and have now joined the Red Sox in having sub .500 records. Stand by for Bud Selig and MLB to implement emergency 16 team NBA-type playoffs..
Okay, maybe your baseball team is suffering. But I think Boston “wins” the week by being swept by the Chicago Cubs. Capped off by a 16-9 loss tonight. Talk about “50 Shades of Red Sox.”
But as T.C. says “Cubs 16; Red Sox 9. Boston doesn’t need hitting, they need Tom Brady!!!!”
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Toronto mayor Rob Ford, just out of rehab, says “he can’t imagine” saying the things he said about black people, Jews and Italians. “When you have this disease, you say things, do things that aren’t you.” And Donald Sterling said “Why didn’t I think of that?
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In England, the lawyer for ex-“News of the World” editor Andy Coulson, convicted of phone hacking, is pleading for a reduced sentence. The claim, that no one in the newspaper industry “realized that interception of voicemail messages was illegal, in the sense of criminal.” Ah, what, Coulson thought it was only immoral?
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Target is asking customers, even those in “open carry” states, to leave their firearms at home. And really, who needs a gun while shopping anyway? Well, outside the first hour or so of a “Black Friday” sale.
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At a Starbucks with line out the door, young woman is not only ordering for herself, but texting back and forth with a friend as to what kind of iced tea the friend wants. When she has finally paid, and line has grown, gal then pulls two Starbucks gift cards from her wallet and says “Can you verify the balances on these for me?” Beginning to see there just MIGHT be a reason for “open carry.”
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Car in front of me on way to work had a “student driver” sign on it. Of course, it might have been obvious, the driver was actually using turn signals.
Protesters this week blocked buses containing undocumented immigrants from entering the Southern California town of Murrieta. Said one woman “”I just wish America would be America again.” “Amen,” responded Native Americans.
Rick Perry has given up wearing cowboy boots. Allegedly as a way to soften his Texas image as he runs for President again in 2016. Amazing. For appealing to a national audience, guns aren’t dangerous but boots are?
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Louisiana Rep. Vance McAllister, elected on a “Christian Family Values” platform, became known as the “kissing congressman” when he was seen on video making out with a staffer, McAllister said he would step down but now says he will seek re-election in November. Well, makes sense. He changed his mind about “forsaking all others” too.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Congress jokes, Janice Hough, Louisiana jokes, open carry jokes, Red Sox jokes, Starbucks jokes, World Cup jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 29, 2014
Would baseball be more popular around the world if batters could fall to the ground writhing in agony if the pitch got near them and then be awarded 1st base? #WorldCup #flopping
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Brazil coach Luiz Felipe Scolari said he and his team “can’t be polite anymore” after barely beating Chile. Are they flopping too gracefully?
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A fire broke out in the boiler room of a Holland America cruise ship leaving Seattle yesterday. But it was quickly extinguished, the ship returned to port without incident, and was cleared to sail again this morning. “Darn” said CNN.
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In the 9th inning of a 4-0 loss, the #SFGiants won a review and have a play overturned. So where do you go to request the month of June be overturned?
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Open note to #SFGiants. This is not the World Cup. You don’t have to wait to score with penalty kicks.
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So according to Bochy, Sergio Romo will no longer be closing games for the #sfgiants. Of course that’s been true for over two weeks.
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SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy today said the team “as a group, we’ve hit a bump in the road.” A bump? Feels more like a Giant sinkhole.
As of Sunday night, at SeaWorld San Diego, apparently several people have been stuck on the Skytower ride for several hours due to a power issue. The San Diego Fire Department is on stand-by.but says “no one is in distress.” If they’re not in distress after several hours guess this makes the Skytower perhaps the world’s highest outhouse.
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Texas Tech has dismissed their top football recruit, CB Nigel Bethel II, for allegedly punching one of the their star woman basketball players in the face during a pickup basketball game. Next stop for Bethel, the Baltimore Ravens?
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No injuries fortunately when two Ryanair jets ran into each other at London’s Stansted Airport yesterday morning. A spokesman said they hit wing tip to tail cone while one was approaching a gate and the was pushing back. Maybe enough passengers didn’t pay the “light stick” fee?
The Cleveland Browns owner reportedly told Johnny Manziel to “tone it down” and watch “what goes up on social media. Manziel reportedly responded that he’s not going to change his ways and will enjoy his time off. Of course, if Johnny can’t deliver on the field in the NFL, he could end up with a lot more time off.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: flopping jokes, Janice Hough, june swoon jokes, Manziel jokes, SF Giants jokes, World Cup jokes
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June 28, 2014
Apparently Wimbledon is enforcing the all white clothing rule so tightly this year and some women players have have to remove their colored undergarments and go braless. Is this too much tradition, or a shameless grab for television ratings?
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President Obama on the GOP. They “don’t do anything but block me and call me names.” And John Boehner said “Okay, who leaked our mission statement?”
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Tiger Woods has missed the cut for the Quicken Loan Tournament. Which means golf ratings this weekend will be almost as high as those of the World Cup in the US after Tuesday if Belgium wins.
Randy Moss has been hired as an associate football coach by his son’s high school. Not sure exactly what the former NFL star is supposed to teach the kids. But pretty sure it isn’t humility.
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ABC has fired Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy from “The View.” Many women are thinking “How terrible.” Many men are thinking “Who?”
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Really? There’s now a Kim Kardashian video game?! Assume the goal is to make a big a** of yourself? #KimKardashianHollywood
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ESPN had a spoiler alert – basically that the second ranked woman in the world was knocked out at Wimbledon. To be a real spoiler don’t people have to know who the #2 woman in the world is?
A marijuana food truck plans to open soon in Everett, a suburb of Seattle, Washington. Talk about a symbiotic operation.
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Fred Dicker, a NY Post columnist, referred to a white state senator as a “spear chucker” for the New York City Democratic delegation, which is mostly black. And then said it was not a racial slur. Right. Will Dicker then suggest “spear chuckers” for a new name for Washington’s football team?
Joaquin Arias is 1 for 18 as a pinch-hitter for the #SFGiants. That’s not a “pinch-hitter”, that’s a “pinch-outter.”
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Clients called saying they would be late to an appointment at our office. They were lost because their GPS had broken. If only there were an inexpensive, simple, portable way to get directions. #Imissmaps
One of the Miss America contestants this September was originally the runner-up, and only found out she won her state pageant 6 days later, when organizers realized a vote count error, and dethroned the original winner. You guessed it, Miss Florida.
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Wonder if the new Miss Florida was crowned by the Supreme Court?
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A federal judge upheld Colorado’s new gun laws that mandate background checks for all gun sales and limited the capacity of ammunition magazines. From the ruling; “Of the many law enforcement officials called to testify, none were able to identify a single instance in which they were involved where a single civilian fired more than 15 shots in self defense.” Common sense, what a concept.
And finally a no snark item for a change.
Apparently actress Amy Adams, who had a 1st class seat on American Airlines, saw a uniformed soldier at the gate and quietly got the flight attendant to switch their seats so Ms. Adams ended up in coach. Wow. A celebrity making news that doesn’t involve an arrest, a wardrobe malfunction or a sex tape. Very well played, Amy,
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: "The View" jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, Wimbledon jokes
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June 26, 2014
Really? Ann Coulter, says “any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.” And that “I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer.” First, Ann should STFU. Second, few Americans are likely to be watching past the next round anyway.
Another thought on Ann Coulter’s comment that “No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer.” Thinking that not having children just makes Ann bitter about never having the chance to become a great-grandfather.
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Phrase we never thought we’d hear in the USA. “Don’t ask me a work question, I’m watching the #WorldCup.” #USAvGER
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Question asked around the US today? “So how do you win the World Cup by losing a game? “. “Oh, you mean there’s more…?”
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In later World Cup games Thursday, Belgium beat Korea 1-0 and Algeria tied Russia 1-1. And across the USA one response “There were later games?”
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Luis Suarez has been banned four months for biting. Although his actions did change the conventional wisdom that most Americans couldn’t name a single player in the World Cup
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Ghana has kicked two players off their World Cup team after a training “altercation.” And apparently they had to bring $3 million in cash to Brazil yesterday after players threatened to mutiny over not being paid enough. Who says “futebol” is nothing like American football?
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Tiger Woods shot a 74 on his first day back in a tournament. At ESPN they are wishing there were only some way to give the other golfers red cards.
Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan will apparently reunite briefly on screen in the upcoming movie “Ithaca.” Of course, this time they will both be “Sleepless in Seattle” from getting up in the middle of the night to pee.
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Howard Baker, 88, has died. He was Reagan’s chief of staff, a presidential candidate himself, and a moderate GOP Senate Majority Leader. Yes, Virginia, there was a time you could be known as a “moderate Senate Majority Leader”
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If anyone has been watching the #SFGiants lately and heard Tim Lincecum threw a no-hitter against the Padres, their first question must have been “Did he win?
LGBT night at A T and T and not a single same sex couple shown on “Kiss Cam.”. That’s as weak as #SFGiants hitting tonight.
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According to the CDC, women are considered “heavy drinkers” if they have eight or more drinks a week, men are “heavy drinkers” if they have 15 or more. Great, one more stressor to drive us to drink.
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UK based Titan says they have sold at least one Titan “Zeus”, a $1.6 million, 370 inch TV. And somewhere some guy’s neighbor is plotting how he can find one bigger.
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Open note to all drivers: When you are the 2nd, 3rd and 4th cars through the intersection after the light in the other direction turns green, it is just possible you ran a light that was a bit past yellow.
From Bill Littlejohn : “Robert Morris University-Illinois has become the first school to consider video games as a sport. CalTech could be next, but has concerns over attracting too many ‘one-and-dones'”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Ann Coulter jokes, Janice Hough, Lincecum jokes, SF Giants jokes, Suarez jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, World Cup jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 24, 2014
The #SFGiants honored Tony Gwynn before their game today. And even put his #19 up on their wall. Classy move for a real class act ballplayer.
(Although after honoring the best #SDPadres hitter ever in Tony Gwynn, the Giants made 1st time starting pitcher Despaigne look like Trevor Hoffman each and every inning. #unclearontheconcept)
-Tony Gwynn got 97.61% of the votes in becoming a first ballot Hall-of-Famer, appearing on 532 of 545 ballots. So were the other 13 voters a**holes or just ignorant.
The Tampa Bay Rays invited a 17 year old girl to throw batting practice for them before today’s game. Good thing they weren’t playing an interleague game in SF. She might have shut out the #SFGiants.
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#TimDuncan has quietly exercised his $10.3 million option to stay with #SanAntonio. My dad is right on this one. The #Spurs are just too professional for the media. #nodrama.
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Apparently a “scathing” report by the Office of Special Counsel found a “troubling pattern of deficient care at VA facilities nationwide.” Not good. But have to wonder, what kind of pattern would they find at a lot of U.S. HMO’s?
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Apparently some men tagging sharks from a 35-ft boat off the NJ shore have a video of getting their chum bag stolen by a 16-ft shark. Wonder who was the first to say “we’re going to need a bigger chum bag.”
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You can’t make this stuff up. Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran, 76, who is struggling to keep his seat by fighting off a younger challenger, now has Brett Favre campaigning for him.
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Katy Perry offered she’ll write Hillary Clinton’s theme song if Hillary runs again for President in 2016. And Bill offered to spend some private time consulting with Katy while she works on it.
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There is a theory that warm weather countries are at a big advantage in this #WorldCup because of the hot, humid conditions in Brazil. If true, then just how good is the Netherlands?
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With all the finger pointing after yesterday’s last second Portugal comeback, did anyone notice if a “mission accomplished” banner was raised on the U.S. side?
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The USA Portugal broadcast had 24.7 million viewers between ESPN and Univision, a new record for any soccer game in the US. To put this in perspective, it’s a little more than half the 45.7 million who watched the 2014 NFL draft.
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3 goals in 10 minutes Monday for Mexico. Who took the ball out of the humidor? #WorldCup
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Oh lordie. Now with Hillary Clinton’s awkward statements about her family’s wealth, Joe Biden said today he’s “the poorest man in Congress. Adding.”I don’t own a single stock or bond. … I have no savings accounts. The VP and his wife reported $407,009 in adjusted gross income in 2013. If Biden’s telling the truth it doesn’t say much for his ability to manage his own money, let alone taxpayer dollars..
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A Louisiana man is recovering with 80 stitches in his hand after he and his friends were drunk and tried to move an alligator out of the road. And Darwin is thinking “missed it by that much.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, Janice Hough, Portugal jokes, Tony Gwynn jokes, USA Portugal jokes, World Cup jokes
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June 23, 2014
US Coach Jurgen Klinsmann, complaining about his team’s chances against Germany “They played yesterday, we played today. We played in the Amazon, they played in a location where they don’t have to travel much. Everything was done for the big favourites to go and move on. We’re going to do it the tough way.” Of course, the easiest way would have been to play good defense for another 30
seconds today.
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Tough last minute tie for the USA. Some of these heartbroken fans have been rooting for the team for their entire weekend. #WorldCup
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But if life is supposed to be a learning experience, a whole lot of Americans just learned about the concept of stoppage time. #WorldCup
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#SFGiants are undefeated in the #Panik era.
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All this talk about the heat in Brazil. It was only 110 degrees in Qatar today. #Worldcup
A man is suing British Airways because he said he wanted to book tickets to Granada, Spain, two hours from London, and ended up on a flight to the Caribbean Island of Grenada, nine hours from London. And it didn’t occur to the traveler to read his itinerary? #cantfixstupid
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Oops. A Samsung Twitter Sunday read “Best of luck to Landon Donovan & the USA team. #GALAXY11” On the brighter side for the Korean company, a lot of casual American soccer fans didn’t notice a problem.
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If we really wanted to get World Cup interest going in the US, FIFA should suggest that newspapers publish brackets with disclaimers that of course no betting and pools are allowed.
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Carmelo Anthony is apparently planning to opt out of his NY Knicks contract. What a shame to break up such a great 37-45 team…
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With Lucy Li, 11, in the Women’s U.S. Open, a lot of media focus was on someone who didn’t even make the cut. Getting us ready for Tiger Woods next weekend?
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From Gary M. “Would it be appropriate to begin a Kick-start campaign to raise bail for Hope Solo?”
From Bill Littlejohn “Last Sunday for Father’s Day the SF Giants gave away ties. Presumably the way Sergio Romo has been blowing, and nearly blowing, saves, all of those ties were more than a little tight.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, soccer jokes, tie jokes, USA jokes, World Cup jokes
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June 19, 2014
#Facebook was down for about 30 minutes Thursday morning. The horror. Millions of people were limited to looking at their own cats.
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British Prime Minister David Cameron gave Chinese premier Li Keqiang a signed copy of the shooting script for the first episode of Downton Abbey as a souvenir of Keqiang’s visit to the UK. Wonder how long it will take China to come up with a show knock-off?
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And so it begins, Grover Norquist suggests renaming the Redskins the Washington Reagans, What, not the Gippers?
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My friend Jeff suggests the Washington Blamers. With a logo of a lot of pointing fingers.
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John Kerry, on Dick Cheney’s recent criticism of Obama. “This is the man who took us into Iraq saying this? Please.’ If Kerry had fought back like that against the “Swift boaters” he might have had a chance to be elected President.
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Former Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer, who appears to be running more for a TV job than President, in an interview on Eric Cantor “If you were just a regular person, you turned on the TV, and you saw (him) talking, I would say—and I’m fine with gay people, that’s all right—but my gaydar is 60-70 percent.” Oh please, oh please, someone ask Schweitzer about Marcus Bachmann.
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So the San Antonio Spurs have a dominating win in the NBA Finals and all the talk is about – what will Lebron and the Heat do next year? #Americalovestrainwrecks
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Who says I never say anything nice about George W. Bush?. At least the former President hasn’t added his name to the GOP chorus criticizing Obama on Iraq.
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Apparently Harrison Ford suffered a broken leg, not an injured ankle as previously reported, on the set of the latest “Star Wars” sequel. Good thing he wasn’t working on a remake of “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”
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So what’s the difference in this year’s World Cup between Spain and England? About 24 hours.
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England is now close to being out of the World Cup. To put this in perspective for Americans, it’s like the USA being eliminated in the first round of the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest.
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In Wisconsin, prosecutors are alleged that Gov. Scott Walker was at the center of a nationwide “criminal scheme” with people like Karl Rove to illegally coordinate with outside conservative groups. If true, clearly this must be Obama’s fault.
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New GOP majority leader Kevin McCarthy started a deli business with money he won in the lottery when he was 19. Makes sense. winning the lottery is one of the paths Republicans now figure poor people should use to get ahead.
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KTVU achieved national infamy earlier this year over a prank involving alleged Asiana pilot names. Monday night, a KTVU reporter doing a live story on a woman who was robbed in Oakland, CA left her purse in a nearby unlocked van. And the purse, of course, was stolen. Hope no one tries to get her read the names of suspected thieves on the air.
(Susan Marie H. asks “Was the reporters name Dora Notloc, Norma Coach, Greta Klue, or Ima Stoopid?)
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A seriously cool story. Somewhere, Tony Gwynn is smiling. Good luck to Addison Reed.
http://msn.foxsports.com/arizona/story/d-backs-reed-quits-tobacco-out-of-respect-for-gwynn-061714
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Cheney jokes, Congress jokes, facebook jokes, Heat jokes, Iraq jokes, Janice Hough, ktvu jokes, Redskins jokes, Spurs jokes, World Cup jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
June 18, 2014
And the pain in Spain, comes mainly from the game.
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Who knew. #USA likely to be alive longer in the #WorldCup than #Spain?
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Dick Cheney today called Obama “dangerous,” and said that foreign leaders had told him they believe the president secretly supports anti-American organizations. “Foreign leaders” confiding in Cheney? Even Donald Sterling may be thinking the former VP is delusional.
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#JohnnyManziel signed a four-year $8.2 million deal with the Cleveland Browns, with $6.7 million guaranteed. Hope all this money doesn’t go to his head.
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Stacy Lewis, the #1 ranked women’s golfer in the world, says she “isn’t a fan” of 11 year old Lucy Li playing in the U.S. Open. “If it was my kid, I wouldn’t let her play in the U.S. Open qualifier at 11, but that’s just me.” Why, because Lewis doesn’t want Li embarrassing older golfers?
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Family values story for the day. Five members of a Vermont clan showed up with knives on their belts at an New Hampshire amusement park. And they all ended up in jail after they allegedly attacked police who told them they had to leave the knives outside. If only the family had been armed.
In Palm Beach, a former porn-star is running for school board after he lost the ability to advertise his math-tutoring business when parents found out about his earlier career. Ah Florida. If this guy had a past as a gun-runner maybe that would have been okay?
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Not 100% sure how I feel about this Redskins name thing, because I’m not very PC. But if you absolutely want to talk insulting and racist, how about the Tomahawk Chop? Not only offensive but more irritating than the wave. (And yes, I know the Braves stole it from the Florida State Seminoles, but that’s a different post.)
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The best thing about today’s Redskins patent ruling. Whatever side you’re on, it opens the door to all kinds of parody t-shirts, etc. Should be fun to see American ingenuity and twisted humor in action.
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Okay, while we’re at it. The Florida State Seminoles have gotten a pass because they have the support of the Seminole Tribe of Florida, which runs gambling casinos in the state. But 75% of Seminoles live in Oklahoma, and they apparently don’t like the nickname. So is FSU next? Maybe they could be the “Crab Legs”
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A New Jersey high school is looking for a mystery hacker who broke into the school’s computer system and changed grades and attendance records. And Silicon Valley firms are looking for the kid to hire him.
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Okay, it’s officially time for the #SFGiants to put an ad on Craigslist for an exorcist.
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Although, would #Dodgers and #Kershaw like to thank the #SFGiants for tiring the #Rockies hitters out in the late innings last weekend?
From my funny friend Jerry Perisho “What a strange time it is when the 2 most powerful people in professional sports are V. Stiviano and whoever runs the US Patent and Trademark Office.”
From Marc Ragovin ” hear General Motors has a new training film for new hires: Total Recall”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cheney jokes, Dick Cheney jokes, Florida jokess, Janice Hough, Redskins jokes, Spain jokes, World Cup jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 18, 2014
Texas Governor Rick Perry, interviewed for the NY Times Sunday Magazine, told a reporter “that he loves California, vacations in San Diego annually, visits the state about six times a year and might even move here in January when he’s done with his 14-year stint running Texas.” Where’s a border fence when you REALLY need one?
You really cannot make this sh*t up. “Rarely has a US president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many” from an op-ed criticizing Obama’s handling of Iraq. By Dick Cheney
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The US has captured a “key” Benghazi suspect. So just for a day, many in the GOP are saying “Forget Benghazi, let’s talk about Iraq.”
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Tragic, really. Chris Bosh, talking about the Heat’s tough season. “There was no, like, genuine joy all the time. It seemed like work. It was a job the whole year.”
(My friend Jon Nedry says, Nobody had the “do what you love” talk with him when he was younger?”)
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Oakland starting pitcher Drew Pomeranz, who entered last night’s game with an ERA under 2, broke his right hand punching a chair last night after giving up 8 runs in a loss to the Texas Rangers. And the A’s are in first place. Imagine what Pomeranz might have done if he pitched for the Cubs.
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Well, they’re consistent. Former GOP Rep. Allen West of Florida wrote today: “Squirrel! Benghazi suspect conveniently captured to deflect attention from all the other nightmares.” I suppose we only killed Bin Laden for the same reason.
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San Antonio’s Tony Parker -“I think everybody’s gonna come back.” Chairman Peter Holt -“Tim and Manu want to play until they die, somewhat sincerely, actually.” And Brett Favre just went out and bought a Spurs jersey.
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Who needs reality television? In Louisiana, congressman Vance McAllister, who ran on a family values platform and was caught making out on tape with a married staffer, said he wouldn’t run again. But now he is “leaning towards” changing his mind. And one of his declared opponents, Zash Dasher, is the nephew of Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson….. This all must be the fault of gay marriage.
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Rep. Lou Barletta (R-Pa.) said yesterday that the House “probably” has the votes to impeach President Barack Obama if the matter was brought to the floor. Well, it would be a change from the votes to repeal Obamacare.
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A lot of excited new U.S. soccer fans have a question after yesterday’s big win over Ghana. So is this World Cup thing 3 out of 5 or 4 out of 7?
While celebrating the #USA win over #Ghana, maybe millions of Americans could take the time to find Ghana on a map. #Geography. #WorldCup
In California, lawmakers today rejected a bill that would have put a label on sugared sodas, energy drinks and fruit drinks saying “STATE OF CALIFORNIA SAFETY WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity, diabetes, and tooth decay.” Gosh, because now people think they are drinking that stuff for their health?
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Rick Perry, saying he’s “preparing” for 2016 and trying to step away from his comments on gays last week ““Actually it was a pure economic message in San Francisco until a question from the audience.” Well okay then. Because as a candidate for president he’ll never get sidetracked by questions…
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A Senate panel today slammed Dr. Oz for his claims for “miracle” weight loss products – “The scientific community is almost monolithically against you.”. Guessing Dr. Oz will soon demand the hearing be transferred to the GOP-led House.
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Well, it doesn’t just happen to the little people. This tweet today “Hey @united landed in Dublin yesterday morning from Newark and still no golf clubs… Sort of need them this week… Can someone help!?” The tweet? Rory McIlroy. And he needs them for the Irish Open….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cheney jokes, GOP jokes, Heat jokes, Iraq jokes, Janice Hough, Rick Perry jokes, Spurs jokes, why there is no satire, World Cup jokes
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June 16, 2014
Well seriously, this just sucks. R.I.P Tony Gwynn. 54 years old. One of my favorite all-time players. If there are baseball teams in heaven one of their team batting averages is about to go up.
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And many times have I heard some variation on this today? “I’m a “fill-in-the-blank-with-MLB-team” fan, but my favorite player who wasn’t on my team was Tony Gwynn. #tooyoung
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My son forwards Tony Gwynn’s career high for strikeouts in a season – 40. 40!? For Adam Dunn that’s a good month.
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My little Tony Gwynn story. The Padres were at Candlestick when the Giants were thinking of moving in 1992. And Gwynn was cheerfully signing autographs for lots of SF fans before the game. I was in the crowd with my son and as Tony signed our ball, I told him that a lot of SF Giants fans might end up rooting for the Padres if our team moved to Tampa. He looked surprised and said “But wouldn’t you all root for the Dodgers first?” LOUD nos and boos from the crowd. Gwynn just smiled, laughed and said “Ok, I got it.” A nice guy, a class act, gone WAY too soon.
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The USA won their opening World Cup game against Ghana. So millions of Americans might have to pretend to care about soccer for a couple more weeks.
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Oops, Delta Airlines tweeted congratulations for the U.S win over Ghana today. With accompanying pictures to represent the two countries – the Statue of Liberty and a giraffe. Cute. Except Ghana has no giraffes. The picture was from Kenya. Well, it’s not like the airline business requires any knowledge of geography.
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Now we really know the World Cup is in full swing. We’ve had our first tie – between Iran and Nigeria. And a 0-0 tie at that.
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An Australian couple heading to the World Cup apparently ended up in El Salvador instead of Salvador, Brazil apparently due to a travel agent error. Here’s my question, did they actually look at their itinerary? “Wow honey, only four hours to get to Brazil from Los Angeles.” #cantfixstupid
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All these commentators waxing lyrical last night about the beautiful team play of the Spurs. The same commentators who a couple weeks ago were talking Heat three-peat against a somewhat boring aging team.
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American Airlines sent an offer to frequent fliers to earn bonus miles and “Enjoy six hand-selected wines from France for only $9.75 per bottle plus 1¢ shipping .” Since it’s an airline offer, presumably corks are $10 a bottle extra.
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In Fresno, California, police arrested a 64-year-old man for allegedly cooking methamphetamine in his apartment at a senior retirement community. Well, that’s one way to supplement social security.
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Texas Governor Rick Perry again, asked specifically if he believes therapy should be used to change the behavior of someone who is gay. “You know, I don’t know. The fact is, we’ll leave that to the psychologists and doctors.” Uh, so he’ll leave this issue to the “experts,” but not say an issue like climate change?
Miss Nevada, Nia Sanchez, who became Miss USA, has been accused of being a carpetbagger because she until recently had lived (and entered pageants) in California. And during an interview today, Sanchez couldn’t name the capital of Nevada. But to be fair, wonder how many other Miss USA contestants could name the capital of their own states?
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Plenty of Republicans blaming some degree of the current mess in Iraq on President Obama. Of course, they have credibility because they were all so critical of George W. Bush starting the 2003 war in the first place….
From T.C. On former North Carolina college basketball star Rashad McCants claiming he made the dean’s list without ever attending a class: “’Big deal,” said some Auburn football players, “did you get paid too?’”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Delta Airlines jokes, ghana jokes, Janice Hough, miss usa jokes, Rick Perry jokes, Tony Gwynn, World Cup jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
June 16, 2014
#SanAntonioSpurs win the #NBA championship with a team comprised largely of immigrants. I blame Obama.
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Apparently tonight this IS a country for old men. #Spurs
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Chris Bosh “Plain and simple, we’re going to win tonight. Asked if he was guaranteeing a victory, Bosh said: “I don’t care about guarantees. We’re just going to win the game.” If it’s as simple as a prediction wonder why Bosh didn’t say this before games 3 and 4..
(and Chris Boch, you’re no Joe Namath.)
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Sunday was Father’s Day. Time to call dad. And for those whose fathers are in the NBA. Hope they called early so they didn’t get a busy signal.
–QB Vince Young announced his retirement from the NFL. Shocking. Vince Young hadn’t already retired?
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Before this week wonder how many people outside of Northern California #StMarys and San Antonio #Spurs had ever heard of Patty Mills?
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Relative unknown Martin Kaymer won the U.S. Open by 9 shots. And now doubt tournament thought that after Tiger Woods pulled out, that having Phil Mickelson struggle was the worst thing that could happen to their TV ratings.
On Friday, #BaseballTonight asked if SF was a lock to win the NL West. Maybe it was better when ESPN was ignoring them. #SFGiants.
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Obama granted Republican Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett’s request to end the Philadelphia area transit strike, by creating a presidential emergency board to mediate the dispute. Waiting to see how the rest of the GOP spins this as wrong.
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Casey Kasem, 82, has passed away. He entertained Americans for years on radio with his countdown of the top 40 singles of the week . Many young people may ask “Casey who?”. Still more are asking “What’s a single?”
Commercials on ESPN for the USA team in the #WorldCup.”It’s the ‘Group of Death”, only two will come out alive.” Well, yeah, because only two come out of ANY group. Including “Groups of Life?”
French World Cup coach Didier Deschamp said he thinks his team is being spied upon by drones. Well, it’s as least as plausible as the next World Cup having been awarded to Qatar
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Heat jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, NFL jokes, Spurs jokes, World Cup jokes
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June 12, 2014
Ted Cruz has finally officially renounced his Canadian citizenship and is now a citizen only of the United States. Wasn’t there some way we could have linked this process to making Canada take back Bieber?
An Arizona man arrested for felony unlawfully discharge of a firearm told authorities that he was trying to shoot the moon. What’s his defense – “Stand your Planet?”
A four-day trial has been scheduled July 7-10 to decide if Donald Sterling was properly removed as a trustee as far as the sale of the Clippers. That’s almost 3 weeks away Sterling should have time to change his mind another 4-5 times by then.
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Many may criticize Hillary Clinton for her comment about being “dead broke” after leaving the White House.But just guessing Donald Trump will not be one of them, as he has been through FOUR corporate bankruptcies.
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Add to the list of those in the GOP who will tread very carefully with Hillary Clinton’s “dead broke” comment, NJ Governor Chris Christie. Estimated to be worth about $5 million.
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The Miami Heat are apparently looking at ways to add Carmelo Anthony to their team. Well, that ought to make them even more beloved outside South Florida…..
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Bizarre trivia of the day. Since high school (and not counting the Olympics and All-Star games), Tim Duncan, 38, has had only two coaches in 20 years – Dave Odom at Wake Forest and Gregg Popovich.
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Osmosis Skincare claims they have come up with “Harmonized Watet” that acts as a drinkable sunscreen for up to three hours.. Sure, makes sense, if you stay inside for three hours to drink it.
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New Knicks coach Derek Fisher has vowed to bring a “championship back to New York” because of his championship experience. Yeah, that has worked out so well for Theo Epstein in Chicago.
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Quote of the day on the Eric Cantor upset, from former GOP congressman Steve LaTourette: “I didn’t think there was any room to his right, but they found some.”
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The Big 12 athletic directors told ESPN they have had “zero discussions” about expansion. “We see how strong and productive our league is with 10 members.” If true, maybe they can swap names with the 12-member Big 10?
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The Republican National Committee is jumping on a mistake Hillary Clinton made when she referred to Abe Lincoln as a “Senator” from Illinois when he was actually a Congressman. Wonder how many current members of Congress knew he was either one.
(well, okay, McCain knew, since he was there.)
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Texas Gov. Rick Perry, asked if he believes homosexuality is a disorder. “Whether or not you feel compelled to follow a particular lifestyle or not, you have the ability to decide not to do that. I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” Too bad Perry doesn’t have the desire to fight his genetic coding to be stupid.
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Good point from Dennis Mar, about my comment that Tampa Bay, who hadn’t scored in three games, was perhaps trying to be the official MLB team of the World Cup? ” To do so, some players would need to develop a baseball version of flopping — perhaps faking the hit-by-pitch.”
(Actually if the NBA really wanted to get rid of flopping it could be done instantly.. Make possible flops reviewable. And if caught on replay, give the offender a technical.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Arizona jokes, Cantor jokes, Heat jokes, Janice Hough, Sterling jokes, Ted Cruz jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 11, 2014
All you need to know about today’s Republican party. Eric Cantor just got knocked out in the GOP primary for being too moderate.
Eric Cantor’s team showed him with a 34 point lead over David Brat in late May. Yet another reason for the GOP to discount commie-pinko things like numbers
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75.8% shooting in the first half by #Spurs. I was watching an #NBAFinals game and an #NBA All Star game broke out
If someone who was watching their first NBA game tonight was told in advance that it would be an aging team of veterans against a younger team of super stars, assume they would have figured the kids were the Spurs?
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Proof that the World Cup isn’t that big a deal in the U.S.: Brazil’s time zone is only an hour ahead of Eastern Daylight time. But matches will be shown in real time, not tape-delayed and “plausibly live.”
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John Calipari turned down an $80 million, 10 year contract to coach the Cleveland Cavaliers. Meaning that the NCAA is at least a year from putting sanctions on Kentucky.
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TCU (Texas Christian University) beat Pepperdine (a California Christian University) 6-5 yesterday to advance to the College World Series. So did God flip a coin to decide whose prayers to answer?
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The Rays have had three straight shut-out losses. Is Tampa Bay trying to be the official MLB team of the World Cup?
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Colts owner Robert Irsay, awaiting a hearing on his DUI arrest, gave an interview to the Indianapolis Star saying how addiction is a disease, but people don’t get help because of the stigma. Perhaps in his case, but how many people also don’t get help because of the cost of treatment and rehab?
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If the four Americans killed in Benghazi had been on leave in Washington, D.C. and were fatally shot by some crazy guy with a handgun, the GOP would have forgotten about them. #sadbuttrue
I’m the least PC liberal I know, but George Will, really?? Talking about “sexual assault” only in quotations and saying that colleges are making “victimhood a coveted status that confers privileges.” Really? Makes Limbaugh’s “slut” comment about a woman using birth control almost seem quaint.
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“America Rising,” a Republican opposition research group, attacked Hillary Clinton for being “someone who is extremely out of touch with the financial reality facing Americans,” because the two homes the Clintons purchased in Chappaqua,and D.C. cost around $4.5 million combined. The best part about this, “America Rising” was started by the former campaign manager for Mitt Romney.
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United Airlines announcement today “We’re changing the MileagePlus® program to reward our members for their travel spending with United®. And we’re adding new ways to use your award miles, to make the frequent flyer program with the best award availability* even better. Translation, “Most of you are getting screwed.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Eric Cantor jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, Republican jokes, Spurs jokes, United Airlines jokes, World Cup jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 9, 2014
Hey, we all were student drivers once.
(But Southwest pilot happy hours have been cancelled until further notice.)
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The CIA, besides being on Twitter, now has a Facebook account. So my fellow Americans, our privacy is safe. Our spies will be spending most of their days looking at cats.
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Dwyane Wade was fined $5,000 for his Game 2 flop that resulted in a foul against Manu Ginobili, who didn’t touch him. Let’s see, $5,000 when you win a 2 point game…? Guessing the Heat will tell Wade to keep that move in his playbook.
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This season the Jacksonville Jaguars have replaced 9,500 seats with a party deck with two pools and 16 cabanas, which can be rented for $12,500 a game including food and drink for 50 people. Which might be worth it for fans to have something to do other than having to watch the Jags on the field.
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Barbara Walters is coming out of retirement to interview the father of the young man who killed six people at UCSB last month. “Atta girl,” said Brett Favre.
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So would someone like to ask #CaliforniaChrome owner #SteveCoburn what he thinks of baseball’s DH?
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The GOP in Texas ratified a platform endorsing so-called “reparative therapy,” psychological treatments that try to turn gays straight. Too bad there isn’t a reparative therapy for stupid.
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Oakland mayor Jean Quan was involved in a traffic accident this weekend, and said at first just that “another vehicle struck my left-rear tire. I immediately pulled over and checked to make sure no one was hurt” Now she said she’s “unsure” if she ran a red light.But I was “not on my phone.” With this much equivocation is Quan trying to show she is ready for higher office?
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Congressman Jeff Miller, denying that people have had anything to do with climate change: “Then why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Were there men that were causing — were there cars running around at that point, that were causing global warming? No. The climate has changed since earth was created.” Back on your game, Florida.
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A public service announcement from my friend Julia Park Tracey. For future reference: If your white supremacy neighbors brag about “doing another Columbine,” maybe you ought to report that. #helpfulhints
So how did this #LAKings team ever get down 3-0 to the #SJSharks? #StanleyCup
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Lebron James said that to clear his head between games 1 and 2 of the NBA finals, he went to see the movie “Malificent.” Wonder if he identifies with the title character?
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Today, Donald Sterling says he will “fight to protect my rights,” withdraw his support for the sale of the Clippers, and again pursue a $1 billion lawsuit against the NBA. Well, this ought to do wonders for those who say Sterling is no longer capable of decision making.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Barbara Walters jokes, CIA jokes, flopping jokes, Heat jokes, Janice Hough, Southwest Airlines jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 8, 2014
Once again, a picture though to remind us of maybe the greatest athlete ever. And a win that will never be equaled.
Saturday might have been the only time New Yorkers have been sorry to see a Californian lose.
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The stars looked like they might have been aligning for California Chrome for a Triple Crown. Another miraculous event occurred Saturday – the Cubs were on a five-game winning streak.
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Carolina Panthers Coach Ron Rivera says he voted against his QB Cam Newton for the cover of ‘Madden 15’ because of the curse. So somewhere in a closet is there a dusty copy of “Madden 1909” featuring the Cubs?
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North Korea says they have detained a U.S. tourist. Wonder what the alleged crime is? Being stupid enough to be a U.S. Tourist in Korea?
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Hertz says they have to review and correct financial statements from the past three years after an internal audit found accounting errors. “I’m shocked.” said no one who regularly reviews their own car rental bills.
Sacramento guard Jason Terry said today he thought Spurs coach Gregg Popovich had something to do with the broken air conditioning during San Antonio’s Game 1 win. Of course, because everyone knows that it’s being overheated that helps age and treachery overcome youth and skill
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Bartolo Colon, 41 against Tim Hudson, 38.. A battle for the aged. #SFGiants #Mets
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Two words guaranteed to strike fear in the hearts of New Yorkers: “Mets Bullpen.”
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You know it’s going well when you win a game where tying run in the bottom of the 9th gets on base via a strikeout. #SFGiants #walkoff
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Best thing for #NYMets fans Saturday night. The #SFGiants game ended past their bedtimes.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Belmont Stakes jokes, California Chrome jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, Triple Crown jokes
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June 6, 2014
San Antonio says they have fixed the air conditioning after a sweltering game 1 at A T & T Center. Considering the result, have they fixed it at a constant 90 degrees? #Spurs
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Lebron James says “I know I’m the easiest target that we have in sports, I’m aware of it.” And A-Rod responded “Who am I, chopped liver?”
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Bud Selig twice referred yesterday to the of the 20014 MLB Draft. 20014? Maybe the commissioner was confused. That’s when his Blue Ribbon Committee will make a decision on the proposed move of the Oakland As..
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Rashad McCants, who as a junior was a member of UNC’s championship men’s basketball team, says that tutors wrote his papers and he took ‘bogus” classes to stay eligible during his three years at the university. Gosh,at least Calipari’s “one-and-dones’ only fake their way through one semester.
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J.Lo and Casper Smart have split up. Wonder if she left him for a younger man?
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John McCain is loudly criticizing President Obama’s deal to release Bowe Bergdahl. Which is particularly interesting considering that Senator McCain himself was part of a POW swap by Richard Nixon. #memoryisthefirstthingtogo
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Friday was the 70th anniversary of #DDay, the invasion of Normandy. For many college football players not to be confused with days when they found they barely avoided “F”s in class.
An analyst says the New York Knicks could now be worth $3 billion. Could you imagine how much the team might be worth if they could actually make the playoffs?
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A Ghana witch doctor says he put a spell on Portugal star Cristiano Ronaldo and caused his thigh injury. Yeah, well if the witch doctor is really good let’s see if he can get Ghana out of the World Cup first round…..
The first tweet from @CIA -“We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.” Waiting for some GOP House member to call this a time wasting exercise and blame it on Obama.
A San Antonio area school district is upsetting some parents by banning children from bringing sunscreen to school or on field trips. Sunscreen is considered a toxic substance. Wonder if it’s okay if kids bring something harmless instead, like guns.
(My friend Jeff Klein adds “Tan your Ground.”)
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Richard Sherman beat out Cam Newton in online voting at ESPN.com and so will be on the cover of the new “Madden NFL 15” video game. Which could be good news, for Panthers and 49ers fans.
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A Seattle Pacific University student monitor who pepper-sprayed the gunman and tackled him is being hailed as a hero. Out of habit the NRA responded, “if only he had been armed.”
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Regarding this Super Bowl Arabic-Roman numbering issue, Marty says he’s looking forward to “World Series CVIII.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bergdahl jokes, Bud Selig jokes, Janice Hough, Lebron James jokes, McCain jokes, Miami Heat jokes, NBA jokes, Spurs jokes, World Cup jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 3, 2014
Today was Primary voting day in California. Where a relatively small minority of registered made decison that all Californians need to live with. #voteordontbitch –
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You know you’re getting out of the “cool” generation when you see a sign in a foreign city advertising “Arctic Monkeys” and your first thought is “oh, a zoo”
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Apparently the Cleveland Indians are charging $3.50 for a cup of ice water at Progressive Field. The general reaction – “That’s appalling.” The Yankees’ reaction -“Why didn’t we think of that?”
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– Buffalo Bills DT Marcell Dareus was arrested for the second time in a month, (the first for alleged drug possession), after he was involved in a car accident stemming from an apparent drag race. At one point does the NFL start instituting suspensions for pure stupidity?
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#DanMarino withdrewg his name from a lawsuit against the NFL over concussions. Wonder how many potential rea$on$ the #NFLNetwork gave him?
Jack Phillips, a Colorado bakery owner, who says he is a devout Christian, says he will no longer make ANY wedding cakes after his state’s Civil Rights Commission ordered him to start baking for same-sex couple, saying “We would close down the bakery before we would complicate our beliefs,”
Well I hope before this gay marriage issue came up that Phillips was only making wedding cakes for couples who weren’t having premarital sex and hadn’t been divorced. –
V. Stiviano apparently told police she was assaulted after an exchange of words at a New York hotel, but has not yet filed a complaint and the security video of the incident has not been released. Isn’t Stiviano a few hours past her 15 minutes?
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– Stanford’s relatively low-ranked baseball team upset top-seed Indiana with a two-run walk-off home run in the Regionals for the College World Series. After allowing an unearned-run to fall behind. Maybe this “Torture” stuff in the SF Bay Area is catching.
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The NY Mets apparently managed to eat 103 cheesesteaks on their last visit to Philadelphia, a new record for visiting teams. Finally a chance to play “We are the Champions” in the Mets clubhouse. –
If the MLB season ended today, the division champions would be San Francisco, Atlanta, Milwaukee,Toronto, Detroit and Oakland. Meaning the reaction for television executives would be “Thank God for the Wild Cards.”
Regarding the President’s hostage deal, it must kill some Republicans to think of Obama as Reaganesque –
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Shoe company Skechers has signed a sponsorship deal with California Chrome. Well, the horse may not have all the qualities of say, an NBA star, but he is likely to have plenty of out-of-wedlock offspring. –
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NASCAR driver Joey Logano says he feels “my sport’s a lot safer” than the NFL. Well, not only may Logano be right in term of life or death,, retired NASCAR drivers are a lot likelier to be able to remember being athletes.
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Madison Bumgarner was the NL pitcher of the month for May with a 2.08 ERA. You know this year’s SF Giants team is different than recent squads. Because the response upon hearing that ERA would have been “Did he win any games?”
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Tweet from Stanford football coach David Shaw. “Facts>Hype Back2Back Pac12 Champs & 100% grad, 4 straight BCS, most 2014 NFL Draft picks in Pac12, most wins vs FBS since 2010. #gostanford” And in the SEC they are thinking “Coach can tweet?”
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Lawyers in action? On the back of a Philosophy disposable one-step cleansing cloth (basically a facial wipe) “for external use only.” At least he’s consistent.
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Yasiel Puig celebrated his one-year anniversary of joining the LA Dodgers by being late to batting practice. –
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Comments: 9 Comments
May 24, 2014
Apparently costumed employees at Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s pre-wedding party at Versailles were instructed not to talk to the guests. Wonder if they did allow them to eat leftover cake.
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Kanye West said Kim Kardashian is “more beautiful than I am talented.” And those of us who aren’t fans of either are thinking “Well, that could be right.” #damningwithfaintpraise
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The wedding ceremony presumably went smoothly, after all Kim should have those vows memorized by now.
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Got to wonder, where are all those “sanctity of marriage” types complaining about the “Kimye” wedding? (It is her third.)
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Ah, Memorial Day weekend. The beginning of summer, when women can wear white and Cubs fans can put up the white flag.
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At this point the only U.S. state where anti-gay marriage laws are not being challenged is North Dakota. Guess the state’s not too worried about losing potential tourism from gay weddings?
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The Univ. of Tennessee’s chapter of the Alpha Phi Alpha fraternity has been suspended after students admitted to hazing pledges by pouring hot sauce on their genitals. Once again, proving that one of the all-time oxymoron phrases is “Fraternity Men.”
ESPN asks the question “Do the Heat really have another gear they reserve for the playoffs?”. Sounds better than “Do they lollygag through the regular season?”
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Former Cubs pitcher Andrew Cashner, now with the San Diego Padres, says that Wrigley Field may be great for the fans, but for players “it’s a dump.” Well, at least Cubs players don’t have to play in the dump when it gets cold in October.
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Thursday’s suspended Giants Rockies game, game 47 on the schedule, will be made up in September, starting in the 6th inning, tied 2-2. Wonder if Santiago Casilla, who injured his hamstring Wednesday, will be the first pitcher to spend 4 weeks on the DL, and play, in the same season, in his team’s very next game….
Asian TSA agent cheerfully pushing a big cart of tubs back up to the front of the line at SFO. Calls out “Careful, Asian driver coming through.” A lot of people – including me – look to see his ethnicity before laughing.
Could be worse, #SFGiants fans, Sergio Romo has looked a bit shaky lately. But then there’s the White Sox closer Ronald Belisario, who has allowed a run during each of his last three outings, and blew a 3-0 lead with two out in the 9th inning.
Matt Cain may or may not make his next start for the San Francisco Giants after he strained his hamstring Wednesday. Bummer as Cain finally seemed recovered after he sliced his finger while trying to cut a sandwich. As Hartley Miller said “Presumably when he returns to the lineup Cain started using his forkball.”
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So how long until the NRA issues a statement on the mass shooting near UC Santa Barbara saying “if only the students had all been armed.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian wedding jokes, Kasdashian jokes, Kimye wedding jokes, SF Giants jokes
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May 14, 2014
90 people were arrested today, 50 in Florida, for Medicare fraud schemes estimated to total $260 million. But to be fair, the Florida folks say they were just training to run for Governor.
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The NBA on last night’s OKC-LA officiating hiccup: “There has to be ‘clear and conclusive’ evidence. Since no replay provided such evidence, the play correctly stood as called with the Thunder retaining possession.” Translation, “you really think we’re going to admit to changing the outcome of a playoff game?”
The NCAA penalized Oklahoma State because the football program’s Academic Progress Rate score has dropped below the minimum standard. So the Cowboys will lose the equivalent of one day’s practice a week. But OSU avoided worse sanctions, like making the players actually go to class.
Joran van der Sloot, the main suspect in Natalee Hollowa’s disappearance, is serving a 28-year sentence in Peru for killing a local woman. And now he’s getting MARRIED. To a woman he met while in prison, who is pregnant with his child. Can we title this “Not so smart woman, exceptionally foolish choices.”?
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Really? NY Daily News headline today “Nicole Kidman sparks plastic surgery rumors at Cannes?” So what’s their next headline? “This internet thing could be really big!”?
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MLB changed the call on David Ortiz’s 7th inning hit that fell between two fielders in right field during Yu Darvish’s near no-hitter from an error to a single. Just wondering, if it wasn’t a star like Big Papi, would MLB even have considered it?
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A girl escaped with scrapes and two little boys are in stable condition after wind gusts swept their inflatable bounce house into the air with them inside. Fortunately they fell out relatively quickly although the inflatable house eventually rose 50 feet and drifted several hundred yards before landing. Some will see this story and think “lawsuit”, others will think “how do I make a bounce house do that?”
Dallas sports anchor Dale Hansen is back. Not doing much for the Stone Age reputation of older white Southern men: “When Sam was seen celebrating with his family — and boyfriend — the world apparently shook, we almost collided with the sun, and yet SOMEHOW, we have survived another day.”–
The Missouri legislature just passed legislation requiring women to wait 72 hours to have an abortion. If they really wanted to stop abortion maybe all these mostly male legislators could pass a law making men wait 72 hours to have sex.
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Donald Sterling now says if he can keep the Clippers he won’t have to worry about an NBA players boycott. He really thinks the team will keep playing? Heck, looks like they quit already with a minute left in game five.
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Ben Sasse, who just won the GOP Primary to run for U.S. Senator from Nebraska, says on his website “Government cannot force citizens to violate their religious beliefs under any circumstances. He will fight for the right of all Americans to act in accordance with their conscience.” Let me guess, in all his time at Harvard and Yale, one class Sasse never took was “Comparative Religions?”
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Leland Yee is still on the ballot as running for California Secretary of State. And no doubt more than a few Californians will say “Hey, I know that name from somewhere,” and vote for him.
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The Pac-12 is set to announce that it will move their league championship football game to the 49ers’ new Santa Clara facility. Well, this will guarantee fans at Levi’s stadium the ability to see top college-level talent this year, other than the Redskins in November.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Houghs, NBA jokes, NCAA jokes, Sterling jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 