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Alas poor George,

June 25, 2012

“Lonesome George,” the last Galapagos tortoise of his subspecies, died last weekend at the approximate age of 100. Or as Larry King said, “So young.”

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Some lawyers think Jerry Sandusky has grounds for an inadequate counsel appeal after his attorney Joe Amendola said he’d “die of a heart attack” if his client were acquitted of all charges. Uh, “inadequate counsel,” or being so guilty even your lawyer knows it?

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But really,  even if Sandusky’s case is overturned on appeal, who’s the former coach going to find to represent him.  Even John Edwards is thinking “This guy is a sleazy douchebag.”

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From Gary M.  ” Sandusky is hoping to be assigned to a minimum security seminary.”

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Many Americans on both sides of the aisle are anxiously awaiting the Supreme Court ruling on Obamacare. Got to love it, such a major decision on our nation’s healthcare will be made by nine men and women with jobs, and benefits, for life.

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Mitt Romney is spending the weekend in Park City at his “Victory Leadership Retreat” for donors who have contributed at least $50,000 to the campaign. Privately Mitt refers to this as his middle-class outreach program.

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Random midnight thought: If Kindles and other E-readers take over from paper volumes, what happens to book signings?

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A 6,000-acre fire south of Salt Lake City was believed to have started at a target-shooting range. The NRA immediately put out a statement: Guns don’t start fires, people start fires.

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Walking into Home Depot gives me an idea of how men must feel walking into a Sephora.

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Rick Perry, on Obama’s first use of executive privilege: “You have a president who is using his executive privilege to keep information from Congress. If that’s not Nixonian, then I don’t know what is.” Uh, where was the Texas governor when George W. Bush was invoking his executive privilege… six times?

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Jeopardy’s Alex Trebek is expected to make a full recovery after a mild heart attack. This fortunately despite a slight delay when the 911 operator asked him to phrase his request in the form of a question.

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Still guilty.

June 24, 2012

Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers now say they tried to quit at the beginning of the trial, ostensibly because they didn’t have enough time to prepare for the case with so many witnesses and allegations. When asked what would have been enough time, they allegedly responded “about 20-30 years.”

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Bus to hell time. Jerry Sandusky is on suicide watch. And I’m thinking, there are probably a lot of Americans who’d pay to watch.

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Jeb Bush, yesterday complimented President Obama on immigration in a speech, and said “when we find common ground we shouldn’t fight anymore, we should move on and build on that success.” Well, no worries about a 3rd Bush in the White House, with talk like that he’ll never get through a GOP primary.

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Jeff Kent is rumored to be a  future contestant on “Survivor.” (Really.) Let’s hope one of the challenges doesn’t involve washing a truck.

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Germany reached the Eurocup semifinals by beating  Greece 4-2 Friday. Wonder if after the loss the Greek team asked the Germans to pay for their flight home?

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Most Americans are paying so little attention to the Eurocup that they admit they don’t remember when the U.S. team was eliminated.

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David Blankenhorn, the chief witness for Prop 8 in California, wrote an editorial saying he has changed his mind, and now believes the right to gay marriage is “basic fairness.” Wonder what really tipped him, knowing more gay couples, or watching people like the Kardashians?

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Today is the 40th anniversary of Title IX. While the law isn’t perfect, two words for men who think it’s only benefited women: beach volleyball. –

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Saturday afternoon, right in the middle of the baseball season, and no games on TV because of MLB and Fox’s exclusivity contract. To paraphrase Bryce Harper, “That’s a clown contract, bro.”

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A fast-food employee in Southern California was arrested after stabbing a customer after a dispute over his drive-thru order. Wonder how many other service employees have at least fantasized about doing the same thing.

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Philadelphia Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon offered, and then said he paid, teammate Jim Thome $5,000 for hitting a walkoff homerun against the Tampa Bay Rays after Papelbon blew the save. Out of habit, Roger Goodell tried to suspend him.

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Bill Littlejohn:  “House Speaker Rep. John Boehner says that if the Supreme Court strikes down Pres. Obama’s health care law, ‘there will be no spiking of the ball’.  He will, however, encourage the signing of it with a Sharpie”

(Of course,  if  he does spike the ball and it hits him in the face Boehner at least has healthcare.)

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From Marc Ragovin: Its gotten so bad for the Florida Marlins, who have now lost 15 of their last 17 games, that today Fidel Castro expressed amazement that Ozzie Guillen was still in power.

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The NBA season is over.

June 22, 2012

As the Heat won the championship.  The 2012-13 preseason starts Friday.

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Back briefly to football….

Ryan Leaf said at his sentencing “I’m lazy, selfish and dishonest.” Was he talking about why he should be sent to prison, or announcing a future run for Congress?

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Lebron James, 27, said of winning his first NBA championship “It’s about damn time.” And Jason Kidd, 39, who won his first with Dallas last year, responded “Kid, get off my damn court.”

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You could tell the Miami Heat felt they had the game and the series well in hand – they put in a white guy.

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And there were signs that it was clearly Miami’s day to grab the headlines.   Even starting this morning across the country as the temperature hit 100 degrees in places, people were saying.  “I just can’t stand the Heat.”

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David Ortiz said of Boston “It’s starting to become the s—hole that it used to be,” and complained that there’s too much media-driven drama. Well that ought to quiet things down….

 

 

According to EW, American Idol season 11 runner-up Jessica Sanchez, 16, will appear in several episodes of the upcoming season of Glee. Wow. An actual teenager on the high-school show.

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A Texas grand jury declined to press charges against a father who killed a man he found molesting his 5 year old daughter. Offers are also pouring for the guy to have an all-expense paid trip to State College, PA.

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Just when you thought it couldn’t get any grosser. Jerry Sandusky’s adopted son, Matt Sandusky, said through his lawyer today that he finally told prosecutors this week that his adoptive father molested him too….. This guy gives douchebags a bad name.

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An East Coast man is being treated this morning for a bullet wound to the penis. Unfortunately, it isn’t Jerry Sandusky.

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Tampa Bay Rays reliever Joel Peralta has been suspended eight games for having a foreign substance found on his glove. “Amateur,” sniffed Gaylord Perry.

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Twitter was offline for an hour Thursday morning. The horror. Millions of Americans were actually forced to resort to updating their Facebook pages. (Or even worse, actually work.)

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Kris Humphries is now reportedly claiming that Kris Jenner told her daughter Kim Kardashian’s to make her sex tape. Oh come on, what kind of a publicity hungry monster mom would you have to be to….oops, never mind.

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Two prosecutors in Illinois have refused to defend the state’s gay marriage ban. So where’s the applause from small-government types for their decision not to waste taxpayer dollars?

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Jon Gosselin, who wanted to shun the spotlight and fame, has now given an interview to People Magazine apologizing for behaving badly to his ex-wife Kate. Hmm, sounds like someone has decided he misses his “15 minutes.”

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Despite Plaxico Burress’s professed interest in playing for the Carolina Panthers, a source reportedly told the Charlotte Observer that the team isn’t interested. But Burress is so talented, surely someone will take a shot at him?

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On and off the level.

June 21, 2012

The BCS commissioners along with Notre Dame’s AD say they are working on a 4 team playoff for a football national championship . Presumably they will release the format as soon as they decide whether the Fighting Irish should be eligible with 3 or as many as 4 losses.

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The WBO review had all 5 judges on their review agree Manny Pacquiao beat Timothy Bradley’s. but they will not overturn the official result. And Pacquiao himself says he prefers a rematch over a reversal. Which will net all involved millions of dollars. How could anyone imagine that boxing is fixed?

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Wednesday afternoon score – Arizona 14, Seattle 10. So who started the NFL preseason when I wasn’t looking? –

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Mitt Romney’s sons said tonight on Conan they tried to convince their dad not to run. So Mitt wants us to believe he’ll listen to ordinary Americans? He won’t even listen to his family.

 

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Larry Ellison has purchased 98% of the island of Lanai. Wonder how long it will take for him to announce his plans for domination of the other Hawaiian islands?

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Cory Booker was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno this week.  Booker, the charismatic mayor of Newark,  achieved superhero status in many minds when he ran into a burning building to save a woman.

Of course,  if President Obama had done the same thing,  Republicans would accuse him of  too much government involvement interfering with hardworking firefighters.

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More in the “Crazy States Derby:” Arizona making a move with Sec. of State Ken Bennett, modifying the birther controversy: “I actually think he (Obama) was fibbing about being born in Kenya when he was trying to get into college and doing things like writing a book and on and on and on.”

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UConn is the only major men’s basketball program among 7 who are ineligble for post-season play based on low APRs (Academic Progress Rate). Only Hampton, North Carolina A & T and Texas Southern are banned in football. So the rest of the schools are doing fine with their student athletes….? Wonder how the NCAA sent out the press release with a straight face.

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Oil prices fell to an eight-month low today. Wonder which airline will be the first to somehow figure out a way to use that news to raise the fuel surcharge. –

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After New York mayor Bloomberg proposed a ban on large sugary sodas, the mayor of Cambridge, Mass. announced she wants to ban both large sugary beverages AND free refills. Your move, San Francisco.

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Drew Brees is being criticized for tweeting “If NFL fans were told there were ‘weapons of mass destruction’ enough times, they’d believe it.” Maybe what Brees should have tweeted was that Goodell thinks by punishing the Saints his campaign to stop players attempting deliberately injuring each other will be “mission accomplished.”

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All aboard.

June 20, 2012

Starting off on the bus to hell….

 

Jerry Sandusky’s wife testified in his defense today, saying boys regularly stayed over at their house and that her husband would regularly “go down and tell them goodnight.” Maybe she should have gotten a little suspicious when the bedtime reading he brought downstairs was “Caligula.”

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Another “Eww” moment for the morning: This line from Jerry Sandusky’s interview with Bob Costas was not aired, but may be used in prosecutors’ closing arguments: “And I didn’t go around seeking out every young person for sexual needs that I’ve helped” “Every?”

 

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More  “you can’t make this ‘stuff’ up.”    Bristol Palin, complaining to a friend after moving to Los Angeles:   “I have a ton of cameras on me and a ton of paparazzi. This is not fair. This is not fun.” This sad quote also captured on camera, during the filming of Bristol’s new reality tv show.

 

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Optimistic SF Giants fans may be thinking now that Barry Zito has apparently returned to form, maybe Tim Lincecum will return to HIS form.

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Texas Rangers announcer Dave Barnett will undergo a medical evaluation after giving a rambling description of a baseball game that included a mention of a runner being on “fifth base.” And a lot of Texas football fans heard this and said “And his problem was?”

 

 

 

Even Chris Webber watching Russell Westbrook make that stupid foul at the end of game three had to be thinking “Learn how to count, bro.”

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Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. We are not sure about Hosni Mubarak.

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20-200 hindsight? John Boehner criticized Obama’s new immigration policy saying it will “make it much more difficult for us to work in a bipartisan way to get to a permanent solution.” on the Dream Act. But in April, Boehner said “We’re operating in a very hostile political environment. To deal with a very difficult issue like this, I think it would be difficult at best.”

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Alec Baldwin is facing allegations he punched a NY Daily News photographer yesterday morning. Well, and who saw that one coming? Next we’ll hear that Lindsay Lohan was in a car accident.

 

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Ohio State star Jared Sullinger apparently has been medically flagged by NBA doctors who worry about issues with his back. Wow. This is the kind of thing that normally would have come out only after he was drafted by the Golden State Warriors. –

 

A nude model who was arrested for posing in body-paint in Time Square is now suing the city claiming her civil rights were violated.  This might be the first case in recorded history where men fight to get into jury duty.

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Congrats to Ann Romney for having a horse going to the Olympics to compete in dressage. But can you image the outcry from the GOP if the Obamas had a daughter competing in “elite” equestrian events?

 

It’s happened again – A woman was kicked off Southwest Airlines for showing too much cleavage. She ended up with an apology from the airline, and a lot of messages from men who wanted to know the number and date of her next flight.

(And back on the bus to hell note, Augie adds – “I always like to sit next to women with an abundance of cleavage for safety reasons. .. in case of an emergency water landing.”

 

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Trial and Errors.

June 19, 2012

A lesson from the Roger Clemens trial, if you are going to take something illegal, make sure your supplier is sleazy enough that no matter how tarnished your reputation gets, you still stay more credible than him.

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In a jailhouse phone call, George Zimmerman urged his wife to buy a bulletproof vest. Shame no one told Trayvon Martin to get one too.

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The REALLY rich are really different. Witness Ann Romney’s dressage horse Rafalca, now going to the Olympics. And somehow the Romney’s claimed a $77,000 tax deduction in 2010 for their share of the horse’s care and feeding. No joke.

(I’m trying to figure out how to write off my cats.)

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A  recent NY Times/CBS News poll found that 75 % Americans believe Supreme Court justices have their decisions influenced by their political beliefs. Shocking. That means 25% actually think they don’t.

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Rielle Hunter now claims she wrote a tell-all book about her relationship with John Edwards just because their daughter Frances should have “have one entirely truthful public account of how she came into the world.”  Or at least enough money for years of therapy.

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Sounds like Rielle’s book will if anything make John Edwards look even worse than he does now.  Somewhere Elizabeth has to be smirking.

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You think you had a bad travel day. A tourist from Wales had his car break down in London near the Houses of Parliament, left a note that a towing company was on the way, and went to go sightseeing in the meantime. Anti-terrorist police, however, saw the car, deemed it a security risk, and blew it up. (Oh yeah, and he also got a parking ticket.)

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Roger Clemens was found not guilty today. Only good thing you can say about this expensive complete snafu from our government, at least unlike the WMD fiasco, nobody died.

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Ah, priorities. Urban Meyer’s contract at Ohio State provides a base salary of $700,000; a “transition” payment of $250,000; $1,850,000 a year for “media responsibilities” and $1.4 million a year from OSU’s Nike contract. Now, the team’s GPA last year was 2.8. Meyer gets $50,000 if they raise it to a cumulative 3.0 GPA.

The prosecution has rested in the Jerry Sandusky trial. Wonder if they convict this sleazeball if the jurors will say “You had me at ‘showers.'”

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Part of Jerry Sandusky’s defense is having another Penn State assistant coach testify that other coaches also showered with boys. What were they running at State College, a football program or a Catholic priory?

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President Obama has apparently selected John Kerry to play Mitt Romney in practice debates. Well, and who better to give Obama practice against someone who has taken both sides on most issues?

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The Rolling Stones say they will perform their very last farewell gig at ­Glastonbury in 2013.   And if the band changes their mind afterwards, they can claim they forgot their promise.

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Olympic Clubbed.

June 18, 2012

First the disclaimer, I know the Olympic Club greens are designed to be extremely difficult. But the final round of the U.S. Open is making a lot of the nation’s top golfers look like boozy vacationers on a mini-golf course.

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Not saying the course’s designers were into causing pain, but the video of the tournament may be subtitled “Fifty Shades of Green.”

 

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Watching Webb Simpson accept the trophy this evening in foggy San Francisco, casual golf fans had to be wondering, “Wait a minute, is this the British Open?”

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Earlier in the day at the Open, however, the story was all Woods, as he started with  three bogies and a double bogey through the first five holes. Meaning a possible headline was “Tiger in the Tank.”

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Many are beginning to realize,  Tiger didn’t have such problems putting balls in the hole when he was putting…. oh, anyone reading this doesn’t need me to finish the sentence.

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The unemployment rate in Ohio has  FALLEN for 10th months in a row. And campaigning today in the Buckeye State Mitt Romney said none of this is Obama’s fault.

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You know baby boomers are aging differently than past generations – when you see an advertisement for “Silhouette” by Depends. With the tagline “Looks, Fit & Feels Like Real Underwear” – and a photo of actress Lisa Rinna in a clingy sleeveless black dress.

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Last weekend in Northern California, a two-alarm fire destroyed the Los Altos office of a psychic business. Uh, shouldn’t they have seen that coming?

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The IOC is now investigating allegations that their authorized agents are involved in a black market Olympic ticket scandal. Isn’t that like putting foxes in charge of investigating a theft from the henhouse?

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On “Face the Nation,” Mitt Romney criticized President Obama’s decision to stop deporting some young undocumented immigrants, but three times refused to say if he would overturn it. Really? All Mitt had to do was answer the question, and then say he had changed his mind tomorrow.

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How long until the national media picks up this one. As reported by the SF Chronicle. To settle a lawsuit and keep the America’s Cup, San Francisco has agreed to spend $150,000 to study whether the big racing sailboats will scare birds on the bay.

(as my friend Dave R. says “The answer is yes,  send me my $150,000.”)

 

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Bristol Palin told Sean Hannity this week that someday she might decide to run for office. And a generation of aspiring comics responded “Thank you, Jesus.”

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Father’s Day.

June 16, 2012

Or as they say in the NBA, so many baby mamas, so little time.

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This Father’s Day quote from D’backs manager Kirk Gibson as to why he was missing his son’s high school graduation. “You’re supposed to graduate. His mom and the rest of the family will be there. He’s coming to see me next week.”‘ Hope Gibson remembers this if he’s dying in a hospital some day.

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A Saturday with flashes of brilliance, but ultimately sub-par performances:. Wasn’t that long ago that Tiger Woods and Tim Lincecum would have loved to have been compared to each other.

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Never thought I could hit a shot like Tiger Woods. On the 18th out of the rough today, maybe I could have.  (for those who didn’t see it, the ball went about 6 feet.)

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So quiet during the U.S. Open with all cellphones and cameras banned – the only sounds while golfers are driving and putting come from the birds. Wonder how long it will take someone on the tour to try to ban birds.

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Beau Hossler, 17, is amongst the leaders at the U.S. Open, even though he’s only an amateur and a junior in high school. And across the country other high school juniors are thinking “and we have to compete for college admission with this guy?”

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The Boston Red Sox put Josh Beckett on the 15-day DL with shoulder inflammation. Maybe he misses the conditioning routine of those bent arm beer curls.

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A angry letter in the local Palo Alto paper claimed that Obama’s decision to allow children of illegal immigrants to stay in this country was just a shameless attempt to buy votes, as they would then vote for him to keep their work permits. Uh, one thing – If they are illegals, they can’t vote. –

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That’ll teach them. Two Ohio State players, both projected starters, were arrested for urinating on a building and fleeing police officers. Coach Urban Meyer removed their athletic scholarships for the summer, but has said they can work their way back on scholarship and onto the team in time for the start of season..

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You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up: Journalist Neil Munro interrupted President Obama yesterday and yelled “What about American workers who are unemployed while you import foreigners? But Munro himself is an Irish citizen holding a green card that allows him to work in the U.S.

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A vendor at the San Diego County fair is now offering deep fried cereal. (Trix, for example.) Well, you’ve got to eat something for breakfast before you start on the deep-fried Twinkies.

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Mitt Romney, average American, now has a personal stake in the London Olympics. Nope, not a relative competing, but Ann’s horse Rafalca (and trainer, Jan Ebeling) have qualified for the U.S. dressage team.

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For those of us whose sons haven’t played Little League for a while. Remember those “inside the park home runs” that didn’t make it out of the infield? http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/mlb-big-league-stew/circus-music-rockies-miscues-turn-miguel-cabrera-grounder-003737569–mlb.html

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Making the cut.

June 16, 2012

Tiger Woods is tied for the lead after two rounds of the U.S. Open.  Well, good for him.  Tiger Woods is tied for the lead after two rounds of the U.S. Open. Well, good for him. It must have been a hard adjustment the last couple years with his fall in the rankings and the subsequent loss of media attention….

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Although he has served his second 50 game suspension,  Manny Ramirez is a free agent after being released by the Oakland As today.  Prospective teams are weighing the advantages and disadvantages of having the quixotic slugger on their roster, as well as the potential costs of prenatal care.

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Phil Jackson said today he wouldn’t coach the New York Knicks — even if the team asked. Well, duh, they don’t have a major superstar and aren’t favorites to win next year’s championship. –

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Some parents are upset because an age 10-14 girls volleyball tournament this weekend will be in the same San Jose convention center as the medical marijuana convention HempCon. Well, it’s not like the girls would be around a really dangerous group, like teachers.

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Bryce Harper is playing his first series with the Nationals against the Yankees this weekend. Wonder if anyone with New York has asked Bryce what number he wants when he signs his free agent contract.

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Just in case anyone was thinking the U.S. has a monopoly on political gaffes, this remark in a radio interview about Euro Cup 2012 from Andrzej Bojanowski, the Deputy Mayor of Gdansk, Poland: “I thank residents and city employees for behaving like normal civilised white people toward our guests who have in turn also behaved like normal white people.”

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Tim Pawlenty is campaigning with Mitt Romney, which is fueling V.P. speculation. Wow. We could have a Biden-Pawlenty debate. For millions of Americans this could be better than Ambien.

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MLB today denied the New York Mets’ request to have the one hit in R.A. Dickey’s gem Wednesday changed to an error. Considering the amount of chalk that “foul” ball kicked up in Santana’s “no-hitter,” I am surprised the ruling didn’t come with a “P.S. You really don’t want us to revisit these things.”

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Neil Munro, a reporter for the Daily Caller, twice interrupted President Obama’s immigration statement today. Tucker Carlson, his editor at the conservative website, said later “Reporters are there to ask questions. No politician wants to answer questions, but that’s not our concern.” Wonder what he would have said if someone from MSNBC interrupted Romney?

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In Central Florida, a male assistant girl’s’ high school basketball coach was fired for sending “several text messages to a female student that contained inappropriate sexual comments.” Uh, with a coach and student are there any “appropriate” sexual comments?

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Oxymoron for the day – “Common sense.”

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The Los Angeles Kings had their Stanley Cup Parade yesterday. Not to say the city isn’t a big hockey town but one of the most common reactions from Angelinos was “this is awesome, what are we celebrating again?”

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Starting today D1 basketball coaches will be able to make unlimited calls and send unlimited texts to recruits who have completed their sophomore year of high school. Wonder who pushed harder for this change, the coaches, or A T & T and Verizon?

The new rule will make things mostly easier for coaches, except for those who will actually need to learn how to text.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Bob Arum, the promoter for both Manny Pacquiao and Timothy Bradley, is asking Nevada officials for a full investigation into the controversial scoring of their championship fight in Las Vegas. Isn’tthat like Nixon asking for an investigation into Watergate?

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Winners and losers and ties, oh my.

June 15, 2012

A second contestant has come forward to alleged that the Miss USA 2012 title was fixed. Really? What do pageant officials think they’re doing…running a boxing match?

 

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So now that the Heat won Thursday and the NBA finals are tied 1-1, basketball fans are excitedly waiting for game three on…. Sunday? And they say baseball is a slow game.

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What’s  David’s Stern’s goal here by extending the  NBA season later and later?   Getting the playoffs to the point that a team’s first round draft pick has a chance to play in the same year’s playoffs?

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Former Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan withdrew his name for Charlotte’s head coaching job, saying “They were wonderful and there were no problems. I just took myself out.” If Sloan really thinks that about the Bobcats, he’s probably not smart enough for the job.

(added Vancouver comic Torbin Rolfsen,  ” He would have faced some tough interview questions, for example: “Are you the man who can lead us to double-digit wins?”) –

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Mitt Romney will make his first non-Fox Sunday talk show appearance this weekend on CBS’s “Face the Nation.” In honor of Mitt’s frequent flexibility on issues, will they temporarily re-title the show “Two Face the Nation?”

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So Tiger Woods shot a -1 during the first round of the U.S. Open. Anyone hear ESPN talk about who’s actually LEADING the Open? Yeah, me neither.

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Matt Cain threw a perfect game against the Astros on a Wednesday night. If the Giants had still been at Candlestick at least 3,000 people would have seen it. –

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A bit inside baseball, but Tuesday night,  the Giants’ Madison Bumgarner hit his first home run of the year.  On Wednesday,  besides his perfect game,  Matt Cain did get a base hit.     From reader Tom Dodd ” I can imagine Bumgarner talking to Matt after the game: “A single? That’s the best you can do?”

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NY Mets manager after R.A. Dickey’s disputed one-hit game earlier Tuesday night: “If anybody deserves a no hitter or a perfect game tonight it was him.” Uh, as it turned out, not exactly.

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Aubrey Huff may have to go on the DL after injuring his knee, when he tried to jump over the dugout railing to join the celebration of Matt Cain’s perfect game. Thereby answering a question for SF Giants fans – “Can a perfect night get any better?”

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Rielle Hunter is starting her book tour next week for “What Really Happened: John Edwards, Our Daughter, and Me.” Was the timing planned around the Sandusky trial to assure she and John won’t be the most hated persons in America?

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Authenticity.

June 14, 2012

London’s Olympic Opening Ceremony is so about giving visitors an authentic English experience that it will feature artificial clouds that can actually make rain. Wonder if volunteers will also sport blacked out teeth.

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I know it’s “innocent until proven guilty.” But this Sandusky case definitely makes me want to make a “Mercy rule” exception – as in “We’ve heard enough and the victims don’t have to keep talking about it.”.) –

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The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency is now bringing doping charges against Lance Armstrong, threatening to strip his Tour de France victories. Well, guess they’ve got to do something now that the Roger Clemens trial is almost over.

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Madonna is still dealing with controversy after she  exposed a nipple during an Istanbul concert. In the “Material Girl’s” defense, she had asked for the cameras and lights only to be trained on her from the waist up.

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Federal prosecutors have decided not to retry John Edwards after his first trial ended in a hung jury. This will save taxpayer $$$, and besides, prosecutors figure that John’s having to deal with “baby mama” Rielle Hunter for the rest of his life is punishment enough.

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A London hotel advertisement talks about “London’s sporting spectacular” this summer. “Sporting spectacular?” Sounds like the Olympics keep the same tight legal control of their name as the Super Bowl. (In the U.S., most ads have to talk about the “Big Game” or something.)

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Get out the violins. Boxer Floyd Mayweather already had his 3 month sentence for domestic violence postponed so he could fight on May 5. Now his lawyer wants the sentence changed to house arrest, because Floyd’s “boxing career is in jeopardy… Along with being subjected to the poor prison food, he is getting out of shape.”

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Kobe and Vanessa Bryant’s divorce has been put on hold. Wonder how many million reasons Kobe gave her to stay together? –

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Bristol Palin’s latest realty show, “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp,” debuts next week. And Bristol says it will show America she’s just “grounded, normal mom.” Of course, don’t most normal teen moms do a series of television shows?

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Wonder before tonight what would have been the longer odds in Las Vegas. On Matt Cain throwing a perfect game, or on the SF Giants scoring 10 runs?

(In all seriousness,  before Tuesday night,  SF Giants had hit seven home runs at home in 2012. They hit five in the last two days.)

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Perfect!

June 14, 2012

These jokes temporarily interrupted by perfection.

 

Anyone  still awake in Bristol at ESPN tonight? Pretty perfect night in San Francisco.

 

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As of this morning, the big story in SF was Madison Bumgarner striking out 12 and hitting a home run.  Until Matt Cain pitched. Your move, Barry Zito.

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Before the Giants game today, as part of this week’s U.S. Open festivities, Matt Cain hit a golf ball off a tee at home plate. The ball went into McCovey Cove. I think I see a new pre-game ritual coming on.

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Hard to believe a few months ago there were those who questioned the Giants’ choosing to give a long term contract to Matt Cain over Tim Lincecum.

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Until tonight there was one perfect game in MLB history with 14 strikeouts. Sandy Koufax September 9th, 1965 against the Cubs. Now there are two.

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Can you hear me now?

June 13, 2012

Apple has a lot of plans to expand Siri. Is this really the best idea? As most married women know, men may start out paying a lot of attention to a specific female voice, but over the years learn to tune it out.

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Roger Clemens chose not to testify in his own defense at his trial. Had Roger just not VOLUNTEERED to testify before Congress in the first place,  think of the tiime and money that would have been saved.

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So if Mitt Romney really believes the private sector does so much better a job than government workers, and he really cares about his family as much as he claims to do, why doesn’t he fire his Secret Service detail and use private security?

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Inspired by Peter Woolery: In Los Angeles hockey fans are listening to “We are the Champions.” In New Jersey, it’s “Sympathy for the Devil.”

 

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A tale of two cities: The population of Cleveland in 2010, 396,815, metropolitan area 2,063,283. Oklahoma City 579,999, with a metro-area population of 1,252,987. Early times in the NBA finals, but maybe size isn’t all that matters.

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This summer Burger King is offering a sundae with vanilla ice cream, fudge, caramel, bacon crumbles and a piece of bacon. Where’s NY Mayor Bloomberg when we really need him?

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Sleaze update of the day. Former PSU asst. coach Mike McQueary testified today about seeing Jerry Sandusky in the show with a boy who looked about 10-12 and that he heard a “skin-on-skin smacking sound.” One question for McQueary, how did you live with yourself seeing Sandusky regularly around campus after that?

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Casey Anthony in a phone interview with Piers Morgan. “Obviously I didn’t kill my daughter.” “Obviously?” Well, not exactly.

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But really, why did Casey Anthony choose now to do a public interview?  Was she afraid Jerry Sandusky would take her “Most Hated American” title?

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Senator Harry Reid of Nevada said today that Manny Pacquiao was robbed in his match against Timothy Bradley. Wonder if this means when the government gets through with spending millions on the Clemens trial, they will go after boxing next.

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Sources say an open container of alcohol was found in Lindsay Lohan’s Porsche after her accident. Maybe she figures going back to jail is cheaper than rehab?

(My friend Laura T. says “Where’s Johnny Cochran when you need him? The bottle was left in the car by someone else -if the lips don’t fit, you must acquit…”)

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Rory McElroy, the U.S. Open reigning champion, did a nice job of throwing out the first pitch at tonight’s S.F. Giants game. He said he was practicing by throwing golf balls. Hmm, can anyone pick up a package of those for Tim Lincecum?

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Latest MLB controversy, Tigers closer Jose Valverde allegedly throwing a spitball Sunday night against the Reds. Brings to mind Don Sutton’s great denial of putting a foreign substance on the ball: “Vaseline is manufactured right here in the United States..

The SF Giants’ 16 game home run drought at A T and T Park is over. So who had Madison Bumgarner in the pool?

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At 37, Vladimir Guerrero has been released by Toronto Blue Jays and is available. Is he past his prime enough for SF Giants to sign him?,

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Lindsay Graham has broken with Grover Norquist’s and his anti-tax pledge. Graham wants the U.S. to eliminate some tax deductions to get out of debt, saying that due to the country’s poor fiscal climate, the Republican party’s position must evolve. What’s more heretical to the rest of the GOP? Effectively raising taxes or talking about evolution?

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Long live the Kings.

June 12, 2012

Long  suffering Los Angeles Kings fans have waited 45 years for a championship. “Wimps!” can be heard all the way from the North Side of Chicago.  (or for Canadian readers, from the shores of Lake Ontario.)

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Curiously enough,  Toronto last won the Stanley Cup in 1967,  the year before the Kings joined the NHL.  So Maple Leafs fans can blame in all on the expansion to the West Coast.   And Cubs fans are going,  well that gets us off the hook from 1958 at least.

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Congratulations to the Los Angeles Kings, winners of the Stanley Cup. In sympathy for the New Jersey Devils, they’re rioting in Vancouver.

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The Kings won tonight because  they scored 3 goals during a five minute power play after a major penalty for boarding. “That’s awesome” said bandwagon Los Angeles fans. “But what’s a power play and what’s boarding?”

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Now it’s time for the Oklahoma City Thunder to make sure that in 2012 year the hockey players are the last Kings with a ring.

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Three people were hospitalized with “minor complaints” and a Los Angeles high school was evacuated after a teacher apparently mistook sulfuric acid for nitric acid in a chemistry experiment. “See?! More trouble from that liberal immoral ‘science’ stuff” – commented Rick Santorum.

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Ah juries, An Atlanta police officer was having sex with another man and woman (not his wife) when he had a heart attack and died. According to WXIA-TV a jury has awarded the cop’s widow $3 million, saying his doctor should have warned him against strenuous activity…. (Not a joke.) –

One of those “not going to touch this” lines: Jersey Shore’s Snooki said today she likes the idea of breast feeding her baby but she doesn’t like the idea of pumping milk because “it’s kind of like you’re a cow….”

(said my friend  Jim McCain “udder nonsense.”)

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Andriy Shevchenko, 35, led Ukraine to a 2-1 win over Sweden, and became the oldest player ever to score 2 goals in a game during the Euro Cup. Wonder if Andriy Sheychenko is Ukrainian for “Jamie Moyer?”

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The defense in the Jerry Sandusky is planning to claim the former coach has “Histrionic Personality Disorder.” Guess that sounds better than saying he’s a sleazy douchebag.

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The little girl is fine, but recently British Prime Minister David Cameron and his wife actually left their 8 year old daughter behind at a country pub near their home. (He thought she was with her mom, his wife thought the child was with her dad.) I blame Obama.

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Police in Georgia are looking for the thief who stole about 400,000 toothpicks from a local factory. At this point the only thing they know about the suspect is that he/she almost certainly wasn’t English.

(Alex Kaseberg “That is one toothpick for every tooth in Georgia.”)

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Shore losers.

June 11, 2012

 

Jersey Shore cast member Deena was arrested for disorderly conduct charge today when a police officer saw her in standing in the street, allegedly “a little intoxicated,” and slapping cars that were driving by. Well, guess regular viewers will be glad to know that even Snooki’s pregnancy won’t alter the essence of the show.

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Scary thought, most Americans can probably name more Jersey Shore cast members than they can name justices of the U.S. Supreme Court.

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Defense attorney Joe Amendola says of the upcoming trial “This is the fight of Jerry Sandusky’s life.” Uh, since Jerry already lost the battle between good and evil?-

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In 2012 SF Giants fans have gone from “Let Timmy Smoke” to “Timmy’s pitching, we’ll need to smoke.”

 

“Hempcon” medical marijuana convention is June 15-17 in San Jose, California. Wonder how many attendees will show up a week later?

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Many of the “Big Tobacco” funded ads against California’s Prop 29 (cigarette tax) talked about how none of the money went to cancer research. So now that the tobacco companies spent almost $50 million probably to defeat the initiative, when can we expect them to kick in a like amount for that cancer research?

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Eurocup, Stanley Cup. It’s a close competition as to which the average American knows less about.

 

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Stanford pitcher Mark Appel blamed his horrible start yesterday against Florida State on the humidity and the crowds. Well, playing for the Pittsburgh Pirates he’ll still have to deal with humidity, but shouldn’t be a problem with crowds.

 

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Another day, another NFL DUI arrest, this time NY Giants LT David Diehl, who was arrested tonight in Queens after allegedly hitting a couple of parked cars with his BMW. So when will they start writing NFL contracts to include car and drivers?

 

Stony Brook’s college baseball team is America’s new favorite Cinderella team heading towards the College World Series. The biggest question in most sports fans’ minds – where the heck is Stony Brook?

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All hail the God of Television:  The 2012 College World Series may well finish before the NBA finals.

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Budget move? Texas is considering raising the speed limit on a toll road from Austin to San Antonio to 85mph. Well, that’s one way to reduce the number of Americans who will end up needing Social Security.

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Lindsay Lohan, who first said the other driver cut her off, is now saying “my brakes failed” when she ran into a truck in her Porsche last week. Uh, longtime Lindsay watchers are thinking maybe it’s not her car that needs the brakes.

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John McCain is outraged and blaming President Obama as commander in chief for recent national security leaks. Uh, where was this outrage and blame from Senator McCain when the last administration outed Valerie Plame?

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Not standing the Heat.

June 10, 2012

Miami defeated Boston in the Eastern Conference Finals Saturday night.   Interesting phenomenon in this series. Most of America was rooting for the Celtics, and most of those rooting for the Heat were just doing so in hopes of seeing the Thunder beat them in the finals.

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As my friend Tony Alan Banks said, “I  just felt a thud and heard a sound. I think it was America jumping on the Oklahoma City bandwagon.”

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Ben Roethlisberger and his wife of a year Ashley, are apparently expecting a son. The Steelers QB announced this on his website, saying “It is truly a blessing and we are so excited!” Especially since the baby isn’t a girl, so Ben won’t have to warn the child “Stay away from men like Daddy.” –

 

What’s a bigger shock this weekend, that the Washington Nationals are on the verge of sweeping the Boston Red Sox.  Or that so far in 2012, the Nationals are unquestionably the better team.

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Spain is the latest Eurozone country that looks to be in need of a bailout.  Maybe what President Obama REALLY should have done with this mess of an economy is have the U.S. join  the  Euro and then cry for help?

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Not that I’m a boxing fan, but from what I read tonight’s welterweight boxing split decision win of Timothy Bradley over Manny Pacquiao was controversial enough many think the U.S. Supreme Court had to be involved.

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Regarding New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s plan to ban large sugary drinks – wonder if he hopes to have it in place in time for the July 4 Nathan’s hot dog eating contest? –

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The Devils have forced game 6 against the Kings? Most Americans hearing this are asking “Is this some sort of religious competition?”

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Mitt Romney keeps talking about throwing President Obama out of office because he hasn’t fixed the economy in 3 1/2 years. But how about this quote: “Most turnarounds in American industry are anywhere between four and five years. And we’re at the beginning of the journey, not the end of the journey.” From that noted liberal Meg Whitman, now at HP.

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Now that “I’ll Have Another” is out of the Belmont Stakes, who was the favorite? Yeah, alas I didn’t care either.

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Union Rags ended up winning the Belmont Stakes today in a time of 2 minutes, 30 42/100 seconds. Over six seconds behind Secretariat’s 1973 2 min 24 second record and one of the slower Belmont’s ever. If the 3 year olds weren’t all male, you might have thought they stopped to ask for directions.

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Regarding Mitt Romney’s anti-Obama comment “He says we need more firemen, more policemen, more teachers. Did he not get the message of Wisconsin? The American people did. It’s time for us to cut back on government and help the American people.” Uh, wonder if Mitt has a private security and fire force for his mansion?

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And we wonder how the “dumb jock” label got started. Denver Broncos LB D.J. Williams tweeted a picture of his digital playbook: The picture revealed several defensive formations. (Apparently a team official called him and the tweet was removed.)

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Double crown?

June 9, 2012

So now that “I’ll Have Another,” has been scratched from the Belmont,  and our best hope of a horse racing Triple Crown is gone another year,  should we really start consider setting the bar down to a  “Double Crown?” –

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I’ll Have Another”, scratched for the Belmont for a tendon injury.   Damn. Let’s hope he wasn’t washing his truck or something.

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Anyone want to guess the no-show percentage tomorrow for a sold out Belmont Park?

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I’ll Have Another has now formally been retired. What’s the difference between NBA players and thoroughbred racehorses? The players don’t wait until retirement to go out to stud.

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Lindsay Lohan apparently went to the emergency room with non-life threatening injuries today after totaling her Porsche in a accident today. So congratulations to all those who had June 7 in the pool. –

 

Detroit Lions lineman Nick Fairley, arrested May 27 for the 2nd time this spring:”I want to personally apologize to my fans, teammates and the organization for bringing this unwanted attention to our team. I recognize my actions were inexcusable and I personally need to uphold the expected standard of behavior of a professional athlete.” Over-under on how many times we’ll hear this same statement in 2012? –

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The bidding is up to $3,500,000 for the opportunity to have lunch with billionaire Warren Buffett. The first piece of investment advice Buffet will no doubt give the winner? “Don’t spend $3,500,000 on a lunch.”

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Even casual horse racing fans were disappointed by the news that “I’ll Have Another” has tendonitis and won’t be able to run for the Triple Crown tomorrow. Romney strategists are trying to figure out how to blame this on Obamacare.

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Six Mariners pitchers combined tonight for a no-hitter against the Dodgers. Long-suffering Seattle fans who didn’t see the game had only one question – did the team win?

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Paraguay’s president, Fernando Lugo has admitted he is the father of a 2nd out of wedlock child, (claims from 2 MORE women are pending. Lugo fathered these children while he was a Roman Catholic bishop. No word from the Vatican; presumably they are at least relieved Fernando was sleeping with adult women.

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The first match in the Eurocup 2012 was today. With no U.S. team playing, this means Americans could start ignoring the soccer tournament right from the beginning.

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To the driver of the little black BMW convertible driving at least 45-50 mph in a Palo Alto school zone, weaving in and out of traffic, and then running the light as it turned red, one question. Did the car make you a a**hole, or were you that way when you got it?

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11,000 San Francisco residents lost power this afternoon. Does this make them honorary SF Giants?

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Curt Schilling, an ardent small government conservative, and supporter of many GOP candidates, moved his video game company to Rhode Island in exchange for $75 million in state loan guarantees in 2010. The company, 38 Studios, filled for bankruptcy today. Where’s the Mitt Romney photo op on this one?

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Twits and Tweets.

June 8, 2012

Triple Crown Candidate “I’ll Have Another” has a Twitter account. Well, the horse is probably more likely to say something intelligent than most professional athletes..

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T.C’s comment “Remember, if you don’t have a bet, it’s just horses running in a circle.”

(hmm, that’s a close paraphrase of how I’d describe NASCAR.)

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Nice game from Lebron James Thursday night. Doesn’t mean America has to make  “The Decision” to like him.

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The crazy derby continues: In Arizona a super PAC supporting GOP candidate Jesse Kelly has an new ad featuring the candidate holding a gun. Kelly is running for Gabrielle Giffords’ congressional seat. Your move, Florida.

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Bill Clinton says he supports Obama and is “very sorry for this stirring up.” He adds that he did not mean to undermine the President with his comments on tax cuts and Romney’s business record. Gosh, who’d a thunk it? Bill not thinking about possible consequences of his actions….

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Chad Ochocinco was released today by the Patriots. So guess we say Ochocinco was Ocho-seis’ed?

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Mitt Romney said in a anti-Obama speech today that “I will not be that president of doubt and deception.” Yep, with Mitt there’s no doubt about his deceptions.

The Philadelphia Phillies, with a $174 million payroll, are under .500 and were just swept by the Dodgers? With that kind of pay to performance ratio who do they think they are – – Congress?

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Villarreal soccer coach Manuel Preciado, 54, passed away from a heart attack Thursday, one day after being hired. Sad, but at least he died with a perfect record.

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The CDC conducted an anonymous national survey in 2011 that found that 58% of high school seniors said they had texted or emailed while driving during the previous month. Which means that about 40% of kids lied about it. –

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Three home runs for the SF Giants Thursday in their 8-3 win over San Diego.  The hardest thing for the players involved?  Remembering how to do that trot.

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Boston mayor Thomas Menino was trying to praise the Celtics and referred to KJ and Hondo instead of KG (Kevin Garnett) and Rajon Rondo. The team may end up getting a call from the President, but Menino appears to be angling for a call from Joe Biden.

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New Orleans’ newspaper the Times Picayune has announced a switch to a three day a week printed paper format, with other days of the week being online over.  Brennan’s restaurants of New Orleans have announced a “Cocktails for a Cause” promotion, where proceeds from a number of specialty drinks will go towards keeping the paper going seven days a week.

Not surprisingly, this promotion is receiving a lot of buzz online.

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Oklahoma, More than O.K.

June 7, 2012

How young are the Oklahoma City Thunder? For example, Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant, both 24, are basically the same age Mark Madsen was during his senior year playing basketball at Stanford.

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On the other hand, how old are the San Antonio Spurs?  Well, they won’t win the NBA championship, but at least the team’s playoff winnings should be supplemented by Medicare.

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Jeb Bush said in an interview today that he probably should have run for president in 2012: “This was probably my time.,” Translation “These clowns in the primary made even my brother look smart by comparison.”

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Some seem surprised that most of the Sandusky jurors have ties to Penn State. Uh, folks, the trial is in Bellefonte, Pennsylvania, population 6,187, 12 miles from the PSU campus. Why else would you move there WITHOUT ties to Penn State?

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Sports fans in Los Angeles may not normally pay much attention to hockey. But they are really getting into this idea of a Kings sweep to win the Stanley Cup. In fact, when asked on Wednesday,  many of them said they can’t wait for  the night’s kickoff.

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Ya think Bill Clinton still misses the presidential limelight? At this point it would be a close call to measure him and Donald Trump for the larger ego.

June 6 was the 44th anniversary of the death of RFK after he was assassinated following the California primary. Had he lived, Kennedy would be 87 years old. Or as Larry King would say “Still a mere child.”

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In the latest installment of the second Roger Clemens perjury trial, a expert paid by the defense testified that Clemens’ DNA found on a syringe needle could have been placed there intentionally. Here’s the real question at this point. Is there anyone left in America who really cares anymore? –

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45 people were just indicted in Puerto Rico for drug smuggling. American Airlines employees were allegedly transporting and loaded suitcases filled with cocaine to the cargo area, and putting them on flights to Miami, Orlando and Newark. Hmm, was it a tip off that the luggage handlers were working really really fast?

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Regarding Wisconsin: I am no fan of Scott Walker, but it still strikes me that recalls are a waste of money. You have buyer’s remorse, wait until the next election and think about your vote more carefully the next time.

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Close?

June 6, 2012

At the time of writing this post, California’s Proposition 29, which would put an additional tax on cigarettes and other tobacco products,  is too close to call.

Or, as cash-strapped smokers  may be saying if the tax passes, “Close,  but no cigar.”

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Whatever the outcome in Calfornia, as has been true in other states, turnout was so low you’d almost think voters think our politicians are spending someone else’s money.

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The Boston Celtics beat the Heat in Miami Tuesday night 94-90.  Most Floridians haven’t been this disappointed since a local Denny’s ended their “Early Bird Special” 10 minutes early.

So much flopping in these NBA playoffs I’m wondering when the refs will start handing out red and yellow cards.

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Jury selection is underway for former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky’s child sex abuse trial. Assume jurors will get, along with their stipends, a voucher for a daily hot shower.

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A U.S. official says a drone strike in Pakistan’s has killed al-Qaida’s #2. Wonder who will be the first in the GOP to blame Obama?

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The #2 title in al-Qaida may be the only position with less job security than being named Oakland Raiders’ head coach.

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Wonder how many people are unfriending the friends who suggested they buy Facebook stock?

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A recent survey says most Facebook users disregard advertising on the site. Facebook has ads?  –

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Fans of the Los Angeles Kings, who have won the first games of the Stanley Cup, 2-1, 2-1 and 4-0, taunted New Jersey Devils fans with large cardboard cutouts of Jersey Shore stars. Was that really appropriate? The Jersey Shore cast members are at least known for their scoring.

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Manny Ramirez’s 50 game suspension is over, but even with a third of the MLB season finished the Oakland A’s don’t have a timetable to bring him up from Triple A. Undaunted, Manny says he still expects to make a big contribution in the season’s second trimester.

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Mitt Romney said his personal Hotmail email account was hacked, after someone guessed the name of his favorite pet.

Okay, Mitt wants us to trust him to be the leader of the free world and lead us through tough times, and the man still uses Hotmail and an easy password?

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Rush Limbaugh is attacking Barack Obama’s ads that offer supporters a chance to win dinner with the Pres, his wife, Sarah Jessica Parker and Anna Wintour. Saying “The whole thing is a fraud. Anna Wintour is not interested what (the winners) have to think, neither is Obama or Michelle or Sarah Jessica.” Uh, as opposed to Mitt Romney and Donald Trump when they did their contest?

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