Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category
May 15, 2013
At a Florida Starbucks, a woman accidentally shot her friend in the leg when she dropped her purse and a .25-caliber handgun inside discharged. She told police she put the gun in her purse when her father gave it to her last year and had forgotten about it. Wow, and I thought I had too much junk in the bottom of MY purse.
–
Open question to those in the GOP wanting to make sure the IRS never again targets political groups asking for tax-exempt status – so assume you are okay with all the potential 501 (c) (4) groups that are forming even now who just happen to support the same policies as, say, Hillary Clinton?
–
OJ Simpson wants a new trial for stealing personal memorabilia he said dealers had stolen from him. Simpson admitted yelling at the dealers when he took the stuff, saying “I wanted them to feel my pain.” Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman’s families have SO much sympathy for him….
–
All these writers talking about why the U.S. shouldn’t intercede in Syria. Thinking it can be boiled down into three words – “Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam.”
–
Don’t get me wrong, what the IRS did was wrong. But if you WERE going to investigate potentially fraudulent tax-exempt applications, suppose it’s not a crazy idea to start with organizations whose announced mission is to be against taxes.
–
Rough day for Seattle basketball fans – NBA owners voted today that the Kings should stay in Sacramento. Which means the only thing that Seattle folks had to smile about was the Memphis Grizzlies upset series win over the Oklahoma City Thunder.
–
Leave politics aside. Who else would tune in to watch Darrell Issa and Eric Holder compete in Celebrity Boxing?
–
Just how embarrassing was this two day visit to Toronto for the SF Giants? They may have had to leave town wearing Maple Leafs jerseys.
–
Somehow I missed the news report where the #SFGiants had their gloves confiscated on arrival by Canadian customs?
–
Orb drew the rail.: And after Saturday, depending on who wins the Preakness, millions of Americans may pretend they understand that sentence.
–
From Jim Barach: “Donald Trump will have to testify at a civil trial in Chicago over one of his condos. The worst part is when he takes the witness stand and swears in with “I swear to tell the truth…so help me Me.”
–
Carlos Zambrano has signed a contract with the Philadelphia Phillies. Wonder if it’s to pitch or replace the Phillie Fanatic?
–
Green Bay Packers Pres.& CEO Mark Murphy said that the Packers hope to have Brett Favre “back involved in the organization soon” and to retire his jersey. And Favre is thinking, why retire it when I can still play?
–
92 people were caught in an Orlando prostitution sting, including one man who ended up soliciting an undercover cop on his honeymoon. Talk about bringing your bride to Fantasyland….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Giants jokes, IRS jokes, Janice Hough, Preakness jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
May 13, 2013
Even Cubs’ fans are sending sympathy notes.
–
The Toronto Maple Leafs had a 4-1 lead in the third period (out of three for non-hockey fans.) And a two goal lead with 82 seconds to play. And they lost in overtime.
–
The Leafs absolutely put on a clinic – on how it is possible to play hockey with two hands wrapped tightly around your own neck.
So the Justice Department appears to have been spying on the AP – a major player in the “lame-stream media.” Somewhere, Sarah Palin’s head is about to explode.
–
From my friend Neil Berliner: Sarah Palin: “The Justice Department should leave the AP alone. Especially my favorite AP; “Angry Birds.”
–
Kim Kardashian says she has become “more of a recluse” during her pregnancy because she is preparing to protect the privacy of her baby. And no doubt she will call a press conference every week to reiterate that fact.
–
Justin Blackmon, arrested for aggravated DUI in 2012, and now suspended for four games for violating NFL’s substance-abuse policy, says he doesn’t have an alcohol or substance-abuse problem. He just has a “problem making a decision.” And Lindsay Lohan chimed in “What he said.”
–
The first hearings on the IRS’s alleged targeting of Tea Party groups start Friday. So how do we get Congress to move this fast on say, little things like a budget and sequestration?
–
Due to a makeup game, fans who turned on the television Monday morning could see the Yankees playing baseball. This only usually happened when ESPN schedules a Sunday night game against the Red Sox.
–
NY Giants co-owner Steve Tisch now says that Tim Tebow “going from the Broncos to the Jets was not in anybody’s best interest” Oh, I don’t know, the deal pretty much guaranteed that however much the Giants might have disappointed in 2013, they wouldn’t be the biggest media/comedy target in New York.
–
Now that’s fast action. Marco Rubio has just demanded that the IRS commissioner resign. Which Douglas H. Shulman, a Bush appointee, has done. Last year. The post has been vacant since November, 2012
–
Minnesota just legalized the rights of gays to marry. Wait a minute… I thought Marcus Bachmann was already married. Oh, they mean to EACH OTHER. Never mind.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: AP jokes, football jokes, IRS jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Maple Leaf jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
May 12, 2013
Rough night for $NBA players. – #MothersDay Eve: so many potential baby mamas, so little time.
–
Another Mother’s Day thought. Anyone who thinks that they should have figured out a way to watch SNL with Mom Saturday night will soon be off the hook. Because Moms who are old enough to remember when SNL was consistently funny are getting too old to stay up that late.
Some think the Washington Nationals sacrificed a chance to win the World Series by shutting Stephen Strasburg down last year, but Nats management insisted they were thinking of the future. So far in 2013, Strasburg is 1-5, and just got shelled by the Cubs…. Carpe something.
–
O.J. Simpson is trying to get out of jail by claiming he had such bad representation that his robbery conviction should be reversed and a new trial ordered. In other words “If my lawyers were sh*t, you must acquit.”
–
The House just passed a bill that eliminates overtime pay for anyone working over 40 hours a week. While they’re at it, how about a bill to make Congress actually work 40 hours in a week?
–
Regarding the story that the IRS was carefully scrutinizing groups with “tea party” and “patriot ” in their titles who were trying to get tax-exempt status: why are ANY political groups able to get tax-exempt status?
–
Unclear on the concept: So apparently Lindsay Lohan wants out of the Betty Ford Center because they took away her Adderall.
–
Another home run on a “pitcher’s pitch” today. If there’s a book on how to pitch to Pablo Sandoval, presumably it’s in the fantasy section.
–
Many Whole Foods customers in the Northeast were appalled to learn that the vegan chicken salad they had purchased actually contained real chicken. It’s the biggest shock most of them had had at Whole Foods since they got their last total bill at the register.
–
From Marc Ragovin: “I’m not saying that MLB umpire Fielding Culbreath — who was suspended for allowing an illegal pitching change — is unfamiliar with the game’s rules, but the other day he was heard singing “cause it’s one, two, three strikes take your base, at the old ball game.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, mothers day jokes, NBA jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
May 11, 2013
NBA playoffs on TNT. You know we’re talking major media outlet when the commercials are for CaliforniaPsychics.com “$1 a minute but the first question is free.
–
This post is a joint effort with my friend Alex Kaseberg: Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are playing badly. But the team has started referring to Dodger Stadium as “the Friendly Confines.”
–
In yesterday’s Astros-Angels game, the umpires mistakenly allowed Houston to make a second pitching change before the original reliever threw a pitch. (This is illegal starting in Little League.) So after the missed home run call Wednesday, we’ve now had blind, and dumb. Waiting to see what they’ll do for deaf.
–
If it’s not one thing, it’s another. New Rutgers men’s basketball coach Eddie Jordan said he was a 1977 graduate from the university. But apparently while Jordan attended Rutgers, he never received a degree. So maybe this makes Eddie a perfect fit for today’s players.–
–
1 in 8 Americans over the age of 60 says their memory is getting worse, which could be a sign of a Alzheimer’s problem. On the other hand as most parents who remind teenagers of various things will confirm ….memory loss begins at puberty.
–
“Teen Mom” Farrah Abraham says that despite selling her sex tape for $1 million, she’s “not that sexually active.” Glad she cleared that up. Her parents must be so proud.
–
Suri Cruise, 7, has apparently signed (?!) a contract to launch a fashion line for young girls. The first “Suri” collection will be available this fall in New York. Well, at least Suri’s older than the kids who will be making the clothes.
–
An American Heart Association study found that owning a pet and found that owning a pet is “probably associated” with a lower risk of heart disease. This may be because of the companionship, or in the case of cats, because they teach people how to relax and not give a sh*t.
–
Roy Halladay today apologized to Philly fans for his performance before going on the DL, “….and my heart goes out to all of the people who spend all of their money and go out to the games and don’t get to see what they want to see.” Down in Los Angeles, Angels and Dodgers fans are waiting for apologies from their whole teams.
–
MLB has suspended umpire Fieldin Culbreth for two games. Culbreth is the crew chief who didn’t know on Thursday that a relief pitcher has to face one batter before being replaced. Presumably two days off is enough time to read the rule book?
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Janice Houghs, mothers day jokes, NBA jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
May 9, 2013
Well, at least one #AmericanIdol judge isn’t being fired after this season. Randy Jackson has announced he is quitting.
–
It will be an interesting American Idol finale. But how many people would would vote to keep Angie – the woman voted off tonight -as a judge next week, and send Nicki Minaj home?
..
For teams with taxpayer-funded stadiums, Senator John McCain has a bill that wants to eliminate NFL TV blackouts for games that aren’t sold out. Every once in a while McCain reminds me why I used to like him.
–
“Arya” was the fastest rising baby name for girls in 2012, thanks to the popularity of “Game of Thrones.” And 40-50 years from now women will curse their parents because everyone will know exactly how old they are.
–
After watching last night’s Golden State-San Antonio game even the #Lakers said the #Spurs looked old.
–
Detroit DT Nick Fairley says that in 2013 the Lions are going to the Super Bowl. Even Cubs fans think he’s delusional.
–
Maxim’s hot-100 list for 2013 includes at #69 – Lennay Kekua – Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend. Well, I guess having a fake girlfriend means never having to say “Yes, dear.”
–
San Francisco is getting its first Applebee’s. Down on Fisherman’s Wharf near Bubba Gump’s and Rainforest Cafe. So even more tourists can go home and say the food out here is “nothing special.”
–
In a poll of the 100 most-trusted Americans, Jimmy Carter, 88, is the highest on the list at #24. Maybe because of the good works he has done since leaving the Presidency. Or maybe because most people think he’s too old to remember how to lie.
–
No one should feel sorry for a team that has won 2 World Series titles in 3 years. But as the SF Giants’ Ryan Vogelsong saw his ERA go up tonight to 7.78, the starting pitcher they traded to “rent” Carlos Beltran in 2011, Zach Wheeler, is close to a call up with the NY Mets. (This post is for my otherwise unhappy Dodger fan friends, enjoy. :-))
—
We’re only at most, halfway through the second round of the NBA playoffs, and ZERO games Thursday night. Guess the league doesn’t want to do anything that would provide fans anything less than a two month postseason.
–
Ah justice. An Arizona court will delay the decision on whether or not convicted killer Jodi Arias should be put to death because she is currently on “suicide watch.”
–
Not PC, but the more we hear about the Cleveland rape-kidnap suspect, the more I think, is there any more room in that grave they found for the Boston bomber? And no need to kill him first.
(Of course, while we’re being un-PC, and on the subject of his potential “suicide watch,” my sense is regarding this monster is that a lot of Americans would pay to watch..)
-..
From TC “According to Forbes.com, Tim Tebow is the most influential athlete on sports fans for 2013. He beat out the likes of swimmer Michael Phelps and Yankees Derek Jeter. Obviously, no coaches, GMs or owners have ever visited Forbes.com”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Idol jokes, Congress jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
May 9, 2013
What’s going on in LA with the #Dodgers & #Angels? #Clippers & #Lakers saying “We didn’t look that bad until we made it to the playoffs.”.
Pau Gasol will be the latest Laker to have surgery, with an operation on his knees scheduled for tomorrow. This Los Angeles team is increasingly becoming an expensive burden on Medicare.
–
The government has apparently made a deal with former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling to cut his sentence down to 10 years from 17 1/2, in exchange for Skilling dropping his expensive appeals and making $40 million restitution. More of the Golden Rule at work, if you have gold, you can bend the rules.
–
Good news that Blue Jays pitcher J.A.Happ has been released from the hospital after taking a wicked line drive off the head last night. Here’s hoping Happ is back on the mound soon, ideally against the Angels. They’re not hitting the ball hard enough to hurt anybody.
–
Just how much do they hate Democrats in Mark Sanford’s congressional district? Mark Sanford’s election brings to mind the 1991 gubernatorial race in Louisiana. Where Edwin Edwards, dogged his whole career by corruption allegations, and eventually incarcerated, ran again neo-Nazi David Duke. And won. The bumper sticker at the time “Vote for the Crook, It’s Important.”
(my friend Michael Powers asks – who has done more for the institution of marriage, Mark Sanford or David Vitter?)
–
And yet MORE “stuff” you couldn’t make up: Tim Lambesis, the lead singer of the Christian Grammy-nominated metal band “As I Lay Dying” has been arrested for allegedly trying to hire a hitman to kill his estranged wife. Over-under on how long it takes for the made-for-TV movie?
The SF Giants’ Barry Zito has 4 hits in 12 at bats in 2013, including 2 RBI’s, plus 5 sac bunts. A pinch hitter is born?
Levi Strauss & Co will be the company to put its name on the SF #49ers stadium in Santa Clara. Guess the price of jeans is going up.
And let the puns begin.
So will #SF49ers new #Levi Stadium address be 501 Bill Walsh Drive?
Presumably season ticket holders will have to wash their seats a few times to feel truly comfortable….
(more to follow, and readers’ ideas encouraged.)
–
All these conservatives screaming over Benghazi. Would be easier to take if any of them acted like they gave a damn about Christopher Stevens and our embassies before it happened.
More “stuff” you can’t make up…. Oliver North on FOX News talking about Benghazi and claiming the Obama administration “falsified talking points provided to people who were going to speak publicly about it…”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Benghazi jokes, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Levi's jokes, Levis stadium jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
May 6, 2013
The Los Angeles #Dodgers are getting such poor results for $$ spent in 2013, there’s talk of renaming the team the Los Angeles Congress.
–
Matt Cain didn’t get his first win until today, May 5, and Giants’ starting pitchers got their first win since April 21. Wonder how many people hearing those stats would imagine that SF would be in first place with a six-game winning streak….
–
ESPN showing Pablo Sandoval’s “hot” batting zones: Looks like some sort of random modern art painting.
(
–
Yet another injury. NY SS Eduardo Nunez left today’s game with tightness in his left rib cage. Are the Yankees trying to compete with the Dodgers is some bizarre game of Baseball Survivor?
–
Proving once again, that a high IQ and education are not mutually exclusive with stupidity: Harvard professor Niall Ferguson suggested in remarks after a speech that John Maynard Keynes’ being homosexual and not having children meant he wasn’t as invested in future generations as others might be.
–
Air India has suspended a pilot and two flight attendants after reports that the pilot and co-pilot left the cockpit at the same time for a nap and left the flight attendants in their seats. Guess this is going to put a damper on those cockpit happy hours.
–
Still controversy over where to bury the dead Boston bomber. Suppose it would be un-PC to suggest his body be placed in a pressure cooker with explosives and blown up somewhere off the coast of Massachusetts.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Congress jokes, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
May 5, 2013
Another walk off win for the SF Giants. 10-9 in ten. Salvaging a night where a possible “MLB The Show” curse caught up with Buster Posey – he hit into a bottom of the ninth inning-ending double play.
–
Rough week to be a sports fan in Los Angeles. The Dodgers’ Hanley Ramirez, back on the DL, was on the active roster for less time than the Lakers and Clippers lasted in the playoffs.
–
CB Cliff Harris was cut by the NY Jets after he was arrested for marijuana possession. This is the same Harris who was pulled over for driving 118 MPH in 2011 while playing for Oregon, asked “Who’s got the marijuana in the car?” a-nd responded “we smoked it all.” So does 2 + years now count as short-term memory loss?
–
Kentucky Derby winning purse – $1,439,800. And the winner himself just gets chicken feed, or rather, horse feed.
(Augie does point out that the winner is probably at least happy with the stud opportunities.)
–
Previously unbeaten Kentucky Derby favorite Verrazano, whose owner is from New Jersey, ended up 14th in the race. If he doesn’t perform better next race, he’s been threatened with retirement to Jersey.
–
At an NRA convention, Sarah Palin spoke of Maggie Thatcher as “her hero.” Even though Thatcher refused to meet with Palin, and as Prime Minister supported gun control — overseeing a bill passed in 1988 outlawing semi-automatic guns. If Baroness Thatcher wasn’t dead, this might have killed her.
–
A 35-year-old Arizona grandmother is being held and charged in the death of her 3-year-old grandson, who allegedly shot himself in the face with her handgun. Which she had left in her backpack with her meth pipe. Your move, Florida.
“The Great Gatsby” remake is opening, with Leonardo DiCaprio and Carey Mulligan reprising the roles played in 1974 by Robert Redford and Mia Farrow. Wonder how many people will think, “Great story, will there be a novelized version?”
–
A bat that Mickey Mantle used in 1964 will be up for auction. And as confirmed by x-ray, the bat is corked. Once again, can we just put an asterisk on the banner outside the Hall of Fame and be done with it?
–
New NRA president Jim Porter has called Barack Obama a “fake president,” referred to the Civil War as “the War of Northern Aggression,” and said that we should train all civilians to use standard military firearms to fight tyranny. Thus perhaps trying to prove the NRA’s stance that the US has a mental health problem not a gun problem.
–
TC says “a small group of protesters want the NFL to change the name of the Washington Redskins. The league is considering “The District of Columbia Redskins” to appease descendants of the first President.”
–
Finally a serious note. 43 years ago. May 4, 1970. Kent State The students who were killed would be grandparents by now: http://www.cleveland.com/metro/index.ssf/2013/05/kent_slayings.html
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Kentucky Derby jokes, NRA jokes, Palin jokes, thatcher jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
May 1, 2013
Even if you don’t care about baseball, got to love this tweet from Oakland A’s reliever Sean Doolittle (@whatwouldDOOdo): “In the 19th inning of a game that ended at 1:42am local time. “(sic) Journal entry. Its now the 19th inning. we r out of food & water and weve lost 3 men to injury but morale is high. we need to win soon. SOS.”
–
More on the 19 inning game. Gaylord Perry hinted in his book “Me and the Spitter,” that first he tried his “new pitch” in the 15th inning of a Giants-Mets 23 inning game in 1964. So maybe we should keep an eye on potential swervy pitches from the A’s Brett Anderson, who pitched 5 1/3 innings of relief Monday night.
–
Texas A & M announced plans to renovate their football stadium to seat 102,500. Not that we need anything to put football in Texas in perspective, but the population of College Station, TX, where A & M is located, is 95,142.
–
Oops, a couple idiots in London pushed up a barricade to get into a lower deck at a Gatwick Airport parking garage. Police blew the van up, and discovered “nothing threatening” inside. They believe the men were trying to catch a flight.. Now, this could have been a terrorist dry run. If not and you think missing luggage is the worst thing that can happen at the end of a trip….
–
Three days until the Kentucky Derby. Always a big event for the NBA. Since finally the spotlight is on athletes who have more out-of-wedlock offspring than their players.
–
General Petraeus’s biographer and ex-mistress Paula Broadwell said today she has made some mistakes but is returning to her “faith-based” roots.” And that she is looking for “meaningful work not publicity.” Just guessing not too many wives would sign off on her doing any more biographies.
–
Apparently Ted Cruz is considering a run for President in 2016. Even though he was born in Canada to a Cuban father and U.S. mother. Well, at least Cruz is consistent in his demonstrated mastery of the U.S. Constitution.
–
Robert Griffin III says he will not keep playing the next time he has an injury; he claims that he has learned from his “mistakes.” If so, he might be one of the only NFL players who has.
–
The SF 49ers have signed British Olympic discus finalist Lawrence Okoye, who has never played football. Well, makes sense, NFL teams sign student-athletes all the time who have never been students.
–
From T.C. “The PGA has dropped doping case against Vijay Singh over deer antler spray. It is no longer on the list of banned substances. Insiders say that Tiger never used it, but may have at one time hit on a waitress named Bambi.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Kentucky Derby jokes, NBA jokes, Paula Broadwell jokes, Ted Cruz jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
April 29, 2013
Congrats to Jason Collins for his decision. While most Americans knew this day was coming for some male athletes , someone had to say “It’s me” instead of “me, too.”
–
And okay, there’s a first time for everything. Kudos to Kobe Bryant. For being one of the first players to tweet support.
(any regular or even semi-regular reader knows I am NOT usually a Kobe fan.)
–
So far mostly positive reaction from NBA players to Jason Collins’ coming out as gay. And hope those who might condemn him as going against their Christian ideal of heterosexual monogamy, have realized they’ve already survived having teammates with several baby mamas.
–
From Gary Bachman: “Breaking news: a male professional ice skater has come out that he is straight.”
–
Hope someone signs Jason Collins asap and that he gets a lot of standing ovations when introduced in 2013. #Collinsanity
–
To be fair, Jason Collins already has known what it’s like to face public embarrassment. He spent last season with the Washington Wizards.
–
Thinking after this season a whole lot of NBA players now might rather have Jason Collins on their team than Dwight Howard.
–
Another nice thing about the Jason Collins story. Knocked the NFL right off the front page. Had the league known he was coming out today, wonder if they’d have asked the Jets to wait a day to release Tim Tebow?
=
And the best thing about Jason Collins’ announcement for Los Angeles basketball fans: It knocks the Lakers’ abysmal performance in the postseason right out of the sports headlines.
–
President Obama called Jason Collins “to express his support and said he was impressed by his courage.” Part of Barack’s continuing effort to make Rush Limbaugh’s head explode. Oh wait, Rush had Elton John sing at his last wedding. Never mind….
–
The NBA relocation committee has voted unanimously to keep the Sacramento Kings from relocating to Seattle. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “Take our Lakers, please.”
–
S&P 500 had a record close today, and Nasdaq is at its highest level in more than 12 years. I blame Obama.
–
Metta World Peace defending Dwight Howard. “I think we (the Lakers) put a little too much pressure on Dwight.” Gosh, did they take away Howard’s blankee too?
–
So in response to a debate question about his vote to impeach Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford tonight responded “Do you think that President Clinton should be condemned for the rest of his life for a mistake he made?” Uh, Mr. Sanford, the point is that YOU thought the answer to that question was “yes.”
–
The #NYJets released #TimTebow today. Can’t wait to see the press conference when Mark Sanchez fumbles his response.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Collins jokes, collinsanity, gay basketball player jokes, Janice Hough, Jason Collins jokes, Lakers jokes, NBA jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 28, 2013
Greg Norman said that golf’s lack of anti-doping procedures is “disgraceful” “They’re putting a black eye on their sport. If a sport gets itself clean, the corporate dollars will always be there because people will know it’s a sport they can trust.”
Right, so then golf can be a “clean” corporate sport like the NFL. Where a drug suspension will still give you time to get back for the Pro Bowl.
—
“Nasty, brutish and short.” The title of a documentary about the Los Angeles Lakers in the 2014 postseason?
–
–
Apparently Homeland Security, looking for money to bolster security, is asking for a feasibility stuff about charging visitors from Canada to enter the U.S. Right, so we have more protection from all those dangerous Canadians.
–
The Big Ten has voted to realign in 2014 with new conference divisions “East” and “West.” So “Legends” and “Leaders” will be gone. “We’ll really miss them” said absolutely nobody.
–
John McCain is now suggesting that the Syrian people would “take revenge” on the U.S if we don’t attack to oust Assad. Right, as opposed to all the countries where people will take revenge on us because we DID get involved in their internal politics.
–
The NFL draft is over. So how will the league steal headlines from MLB and the NBA now?
–
The Rolling Stones are about to kick off yet another farewell tour. Wonder if Mick and company plan to open their concerts with “Shuffling Jack Flash?”
–
Will the subtitle of the band’s latest tour be “Stone Age?”
–
Dwight Howard got himself ejected in the third quarter of the Lakers’ loss to the Spurs tonight. But if the ref really wanted to punish Howard, he should have made him stay and play till the end of the rout.
–
So what was the difference between the Magic and the Lakers this year? About a week.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, PED jokes, Rolling stones jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
April 28, 2013
(Belated post that should have been posted last Wednesday…. better late than never?)
Controversy over all the tweets Kobe Bryant sent during game 1 of the Los Angeles-San Antonio series… Apparently he missed being part of the team. No worries, with the next week of the NBA playoffs, Kobe and his Lakers teammates will all be able to sit and tweet together.
–
Anthony Weiner, hoping to ride the road to redemption all the way to New York’s mayoral office, said today there MIGHT be more sexts out there. “If reporters want to go try to find more, I can’t say that they’re not going to be able to find another picture or find another person…” Who does Weiner think he is, Tiger Woods?‘
–
One of those lovely moments reminding us why baseball is the best sport tonight. (And not just because the Dodgers lost). The final, at Citi Field, was NY Mets 7, LA Dodgers 3. In 10 innings. Which means baseball fans instantly KNOW what the game winning hit was.
–
Mike Shanahan said that from now on RGIII “never plays if he’s not 100 percent.” So does this mean Griffin is retiring after the season opener?
–
–
Capital One Financial Corp. is paying $3.5 million to settle federal civil charges of underreporting losses on auto loans in 2007. What does that mean? Credit card fees are going up.
–
Don’t look now, but the 2013 Houston Astros, this year’s favorite baseball punchline, now have one more win than the Chicago Cubs.
–
Orlando Predators QB Kyle Rowley was arrested for DUI after he was allegedly found “passed out” in an parked SUV at 5am at an Orlando apartment complex entrance. Is the the Arena Football League star’s way of telling the world he thinks he’s NFL ready?
–
Star guard Russ Smith is staying at Louisville aiming to become his family’s first college graduate. Apparently after talking with coach Rick Pitino about his pro prospects, Smith decided his game needed more development.” What’s that T.S. Eliot line about “the right thing for the wrong reason?
–
David Petraeus will become a visiting professor this fall at Macaulay honors college at the City University of New York. So after the biography mess, he decided to take a position where there’s no chance of getting involved with starry-eyed young women?
–
Will the George W. Bush library be the first library to open without any books?
–
Three people were burned when two barges loaded with natural gas on Alabama’s Mobile River apparently exploded tonight. On the brighter side, this happened near where the disabled Carnival Triumph is dry docked, so it gave CNN reporters something to do.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Anthony Weiner jokes, Janice Hough, Kobe jokes, Lakers jokes, NFL draft jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
April 27, 2013
Former Oregon coach Chip Kelly drafted former Stanford star Zach Ertz. Guess Kelly always wanted to know what it was like to coach a student-athlete.
–
LSU CB Tharold Simon, projected to be drafted Friday, was arrested last night in his Louisiana hometown on charges of threatening a police officer, public intimidation and noise violation. So was this Simon’s last ditch effort to be drafted by the Bengals?
(Simon update, not drafted yet at time of posting. Maybe better to save your arrests until you actually are part of the NFL?)
–
As of Friday night, is Matt Barkley looking into whether or not he has another year of eligibility at #USC?
–
From Alex Kaseberg: The San Diego Chargers selected Manti Te’o. Or is it just somebody on twitter and Facebook pretending to be the San Diego Chargers?
(At least T’eo didn’t get drafted by the NY Jets. Who these days are pretending to be a professional football team.)
–
And with Manti T’eo to the San Diego Chargers, expect opposing stadiums to cue the “California Dreaming” music.
–
A U.S. brother and sister are recovering after a 14-hour swim to safety in St. Lucia when their boat sank during a fishing excursion. The pair are thinking it could have been worse – at least they hadn’t booked a Carnival Cruise.
–
–
Gwyneth Paltrow told Ellen Degeneres that she was “humiliated” by a see-through dress she wore to the Premiere of Iron Man. Here’s a hint Gwyneth, it IS possible to try clothes on in front of a mirror.
–
Coach Rick Pitino had to get a tattoo after he promised to get inked if his Louisvlle Cardinals won the National Championship. Well, at least that’s one worry no one ever has managing the Chicago Cubs.
–
Los Angeles #Lakers against the San Antonio #Spurs. As far as Jack Nicholson is concerned, it’s Too Few Good Men.
–
Air traffic delays fixed. Now if we could figure out a way to REALLY make the sequester hurt members of Congress we’d have the whole budget settled in a week.
(My friend Keith Odgen suggests furloughing their staff.)
–
The sequester continues, but Congress managed to fix the furloughs that involved air travel. Which is good news for travelers. And bad news for airlines who are losing a major excuse for delays.
–
So much yellow at Oracle Arena for the Denver Nuggets-Golden State Warriors game last night – almost as if the Oregon Duck exploded.
–
So Lindsey Graham is now trying to blame the Boston bombings on Obama by saying the suspects should have been under closer surveillance. Considering that the FBI Watch List has about 500,000 people on it, would Senator Graham like to discuss 1- How that’s logistically possible? 2- How are we going to pay for it?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: draft jokes, Janice Hough, Manti Teo jokes, NBA jokes, NFL draft jokes, sequester jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
April 25, 2013
At a press conference today in Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter vowed to return to the field in 2013. Of course he didn’t say whether it might be to throw out a ceremonial first pitch.
–
Some are openly questioning how the alleged Boston bomber’s wife could be so completely in the dark about her husband’s secret life. At least no one’s asked for a public comment from Hillary Clinton.
–
LeBron James, on finishing second to Marc Gasol for the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year award: “It sucks. It definitely sucks, though, finishing second. Who wants to finish second?” Well, this ought to take care of Lebron’s reputation for whining.
–
Shocking story about a baby in Delhi sold twice on Facebook. Many Indians can’t believe it. They figured babies were only sold on Ebay.
–
The NFL Draft started Thursday. W ell, it was about time football finally got some #ESPN coverage.
–
Wonder how many SEC players who got drafted are due for a pay cut?
–
Really? Ebay is emailing all members telling us to tell Congress “No” on proposed online sales tax legislation, as it is “wrongheaded”, “unfair” and a “burden” for small businesses. Except that businesses with less than $1 mill. a year in online sales would be exempt. Guess it depends on what the definition of “small” is.
–
Now the media is reporting “Carnival Cruise ship evacuated.” The story, after barge explosions on the Mobile River, crew members who are living on the Carnival Triumph while it is being repaired were taken off for safety reasons. Dear Gawd. When the ship is repaired will they report on the number of people with hangovers and upset stomachs from overindulging on board?
–
Stockholm police apparently found illegal narcotics on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. So is this enough for the U.S. to deport him back to Canada
–
The alleged Boston bombers’ mother says she believes that the bombing was fake, “a show,” and that the blood was “paint.” Wow. Even U.S. Conspiracy theorists are impressed. What’s next, a talk radio gig?
–
Asked if her son Jeb should run for President, Barbara Bush responded “He’s by far the best qualified man, but no. We’ve had enough Bushes. It’s not just four families, or whatever” Hmm, maybe the Bush we should have elected was Barbara.
–
Stanford LB Alex Debniak gave an interesting and articulate pre-draft interview on local radio today. Although he did say at one point “Me and my agent…” Quick, check for academic fraud.
–
Guess Manti T’eo being a first round draft pick was as much of an illusion as the Notre Dame star’s girlfriend. #NFLDraft
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bieber jokes, Bush jokes, Manti Teo jokes, NFL draft jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 23, 2013
It appears that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev fatally injured his brother by running over him in an SUV as he escaped. So will Dzohkhar ask for leniency because he killed an enemy of the U.S.?
–
The Yankees announced that Derek Jeter, 38, will be in a walking boot at a news conference Thursday. Either that or he will be in a walker. Not sure.
–
In 2011, the West Fertilizer company filed a report with the EPA saying there was no risk of fire or explosion at the plant, and “The worst-case release scenario would be the release of the total contents of a storage tank released as a gas over 10 minutes.” In other words, this is Texas, we don’t need no stinkin’ regulations.
–
Anthony Weiner has a new Twitter account. Presumably a condition of activating it was giving his wife the password.
–
Apparently the new name of the four-team playoff that starts after the NCAA 2014 football season will be the “College Football Playoff.” Translation. No one’s bid enough for naming rights yet.
–
Great quote from Nevada State Senator Kelvin Atkinson, as he came out to his colleagues while they were debating a same-sex marriage bill. “I know this is the first time many of you have heard me say that I am a black, gay male. If this (bill) hurts your marriage, then your marriage was in trouble in the first place.”
–
Day two of the NBA playoffs. There is something wrong with a postseason that lasts longer than a Kardashian marriage.
–
Nice truism from my friend Jim Barach. “A report warns that the “cinnamon challenge”, where people try to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon can be dangerous to a person’s health. However, it is still not as dangerous as eating a cinnamon roll from Cinnabon.”
–
Senator Max Baucus, 71, announced his retirement. Responded Senator John McCain -“So young?”
–
California Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom has decided to endorse Democrat Ro Khanna, 36, who is running for Congress against 7-term incumbent Mike Honda, 72, also a Democrat. Gosh, can’t imagine why Newsom thinks an older politician should step aside for an ambitious younger one..
–
The U.S. Department of Justice has joined the suit against Lance Armstrong, saying that by his cheating he defrauded and damaged the post office. Maybe they could settle, however, if Armstrong could get the USPS some performance enhancing drugs.
–
Former Senator Bob Dole said in a recent interview that the Republican Party needs to learn that “compromise is not a bad word.” And most of the GOP House members responded, “Bad? More like a profanity.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lance Armstrong jokes, NCAA jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
April 22, 2013
Reese Witherspoon arrested for disorderly conduct when her husband was arrested for DUI. Not exactly her best performance in Walk the Line
–
Ok, this statement from Reese Witherspoon. “I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. I have nothing but respect for the police and I’m very sorry for my behavior.” What? No blame on someone else? How does she call herself a celebrity.
–
T.C.’s comment- “Apparently, Reese Witherspoon was beligerent when her husband was arrested for DUI. She asked the cop “Do you know who I am???” He replied, “Yes, you’re Al Michaels”.
–
South Carolina’s 1st Congressional District hasn’t elected a Democrat since 1961 but Elizabeth Colbert Busch is now leading Mark Sanford by 9 points in the polls. Maybe proving that even though you can make all kinds of anti-woman comments, it IS just possible to be enough of a douchebag that they won’t vote for you.
–
American golfers Dustin Johnson and Zach Johnson have pulled out of the Ballantine’s Championship in South Korea this week citing safety concerns. Although with all due respect, the U.S. tournament this week is the Zurich Classic in New Orleans, where they are statistically more likely to be shot.
–
After 11 NFL seasons, LB Scott Fujita announced his retirement today when he signed a one-day contract with New Orleans so he could retire as a Saint. New York fans immediately started pleading with Mark Sanchez to sign such a one-day contract with the Jets.
–
Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni said L.A. needs Steve Nash to upset the Spurs. Now I like Steve Nash as much as I dislike Kobe. But to pull off this upset? I think they need the Nash of about 5-10 years ago.
–
A new report published in Pedriatics says at least 30 teenagers needed medical attention last year after trying the “cinnamon challenge.” Which is trying to swallow a spoonful of ground cinnamon in 60 seconds without water. Great, just what we need – driver’s licenses required to make purchases in the spice aisle.
–
NY State Sen. Greg Ball posted on Twitter that “who wouldn’t want to use torture against the surviving Boston terror suspect?” Uh, leaving aside the moral implications, and that fact that this is not a movie or “24” episode, could we at least wait and see if he answers voluntarily?
–
SF Giants didn’t have a walkoff win until April 19. Now they have 2 in 4 days. Are they trying to become the official baseball team of Just For Men?
–
There have been several flight delays on the East Coast due to FAA controllers being furloughed with sequestration budget cuts. Can’t we schedule these furloughs where they are most deserved – at whatever time members of Congress are trying to fly home for the weekend?
–
From Terry Etter: “Because the budget crisis has caused some air traffic controllers to be laid off, the FAA says we can expect flight delays of up to 3 and 1/2 hours this summer. So who knew that having fewer traffic controllers would shorten airline delays.”
–
CB Darrelle Revis, traded from the Jets to the Buccaneers, promised that Tampa Bay “will make a lot of noise” in the 2013 season. Well, with Revis on the team “noise” is a given. Winning, on the other hand…
–
Auburn’s AD Jay Jacobs responded to an online report that accused their 2011 BCS champion team of altering grades and bribing players by saying the article was full of “misrepresentations” and “is clearly flawed.” Hmm, does that mean there was a lot of stuff they missed?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, Reese Witherspoon jokes, sequester jokes, sports jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
April 21, 2013
Bucky Lasek, 40, the oldest man in the X Games Vert, won a gold medal in skateboarding. Whereupon he immediately turned to his competitors and said “You punks get off my ramp.”
–
A 25 yr old Illinois Chicago Bulls fans filed a lawsuit against Derrick Rose. He claims Rose missing the entire NBA regular season made him fat and depressed. Let’s hope this doesn’t come to anything, or Cubs fans may sue the team for playing with the same results.
–
Amazing that the folks who think this Boston bombing was somehow a US government conspiracy are the same ones who don’t think the government is competent to do anything else.
–
The SF Giants’ Barry Zito is still unscored upon in 2013 while wearing #75. (His 9 run outing was on Jackie Robinson day.)
–
LB Rolando McClain, newly signed by the Baltimore Ravens, has been arrested for the THIRD time in his home town of Decatur, GA. He was first arrested (and convicted) by Decatur police in 2011 on assault and menancing charges. Then in January of this year the former Alabama star was arrested after he gave the police a false name when he was pulled over for a window tint violation.
This arrest was disorderly conduct and resisting arrest after an incident at a local park. Couldn’t find out what McClain majored in at Alabama. Guessing it wasn’t criminal justice.
David Ortiz won’t have to worry about a fine for his colorful speech. This tweet from FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski ” David Ortiz spoke from the heart at today’s Red Sox game. I stand with Big Papi and the people of Boston – Julius” Who knew the FCC could be so f***ing reasonable?
–
A week after the Masters’ no one has come forward as the person who called in Tiger Woods’ improper drop after the second round of the Masters, but Marc Ragovin suggests this “this tape from the Golf Hotline might provide a clue:
“Hello, Elyn from Florida, you’re on the air.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Big Papi jokes, Cubs jokes, X games jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 21, 2013
So Big Papi dropped an f-bomb during pregame ceremonies at Fenway Park today. (This is our f**king city.) And many of the same media that bleeped it out had no problem showing countless bloody pictures of the Boston Marathon bombing scene. #Priorities.
–
Now that one Boston bombing suspect is dead and the other in custody, CNN can go back to their regular programming. Quick, is there a cruise ship adrift somewhere?
–
Tonight #Bucks vs. #Heat in #NBA playoffs. For all those who miss the drama of Christians vs. Lions.
–
Denver police were worried about crowd control at the country’s largest 4/20 outdoor pot smoking celebration. On the other hand, if anyone had bad intentions, a few minutes out in that crowd (and cloud) and it would have been “Uh, wait, why am I here? Nice party though…”
–
Tim Lincecum, 6 2/3 shutout innings and a win on 4/20 – National Marijuana Day. Coincidence?
–
A Long Island NY woman was arrested and charged with encouraging her teenagers to shoot the windows out of parked cars with a BB gun while she drove. Not sure about the possible sentence, but maybe the NRA will applaud her for a creative family bonding exercise?
–
Two friends of the alleged Boston bomber were arrested today. Apparently they have a black BMW with a novelty license plate reading “Terrorista #1” Even if they’re not guilty of anything related to the bombing, that plate should be enough to charge them with felony stupidity.
–
As awful as Boston was, can we briefly turn our attention to West, Texas, where at least 14 died and hundreds were injured. And Reuters reports that the fertilizer plant which exploded didn’t tell DHS it was storing 1,350 times the amount of ammonium nitrate allowable without mandatory safety checks. It’s only too much govt. regulation until something blows up….
–
As America returns to semi-normal, maybe we could work on our geography? Apparently a number of people on twitter were posting about suspects from Czech Republic.
Finally, –Sweet Caroline at A T and T. SF Giants fans get it. #Bostonstrong
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: CNN jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants, sweet caroline
Comments: 3 Comments
April 18, 2013
After we find and prosecute the Boston Marathon bombers, think there’s any way to prosecute some of the media who printed photos of innocent men as suspects?
–
Derek Jeter apparently has a small crack in his surgically repaired left ankle and will be out at least until the All-Star break. At this point the Yankees may decide to seek a second opinion from an expert paleontologist.
–
Mitt Romney said today that President Obama gave a “superb” speech at the memorial for the Boston Marathon bombing victims. Well, heck, if the Yankees and Red Sox can get along for a few days, maybe bipartisan goodwill is possible. For a few days anyway.
–
And on the subject of bipartisan agreement…. My friend Ed Murrell and I will probably would never vote the same way on anything. But I agree with him on this post of his today. So what – the league put out a schedule today…..“Sports radio has become a boring, monotonous NFL advertisement. Who honestly gives a !@#$%^& about the NFL schedule. You’ve got no life if you’re into that mess.”
–
–NY Mets vs. Colorado Rockies today in 30 degree weather in Denver. 30 degrees? That’s colder than the Mets’ bats. MLB says more stringent security measures will be in place at ballparks. So fans may need to arrive earlier as the league tries to guard against terrorists attacks on big crowds. Well, at least Marlins fans are safe.
–
A thought from Michael Hayne that would be funnier if it weren’t rather true. ” The great thing about being white is we’re never a terrorist, we just have a mental illness.”
–
Chris Culliver, the SF 49ers’ player who ended up in trouble for his anti-gay comments during Super Bowl week, now posted on Instagram photos of a iPhone conversation referring to women as “bitches” and “hoes.” There is just no cure for stupid.
–
Now that Britney Griner is officially out, really rooting for Mark Cuban’s idea. Would be fun if the first openly gay athlete in a major men’s professional sport turned out to be a woman.Another thought about the Senators who voted against more government control over guns. So why doesn’t their support of individual freedom extend to things like legalized marijuana and prostitution?
–
Turns out the man suspected of sending letters contacting ricin-laden letters to President Obama and Sen. Roger Wicker is an Elvis impersonator from Tupelo. Geez. If Elvis wasn’t dead, this kind of stuff would kill him.
–
Whichever side you’re on, it seems pretty clear that if Senators were afraid they would lose their next election for voting against background checks, some of them would have put aside their principled defense of gun rights.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: gun control jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 17, 2013
Who in the media are making the decisions to go with this ever increasing number of incorrect Boston stories? Have to assume their prior careers with the airlines announcing things like ‘brief delay,” and “we’ll be boarding in a few minutes.”
–
American Airlines says their flights are “back to normal” after a computer glitch grounded all their planes yesterday. On the other hand, American has been named the official airline of Carnival Cruise Lines.
–
Got to love that most of today’s GOP thinks you should be able to buy a gun with no background checks, but heaven forbid if you want to something REALLY dangerous, like voting.
–
If as an SF Giants fan I have to wish the New York Yankees well for playing SweetCaroline last night, It is convenient that they’re playing the NL West AZ D’backs.
–
No arrests as of Wednesday night in the Boston marathon bombings yet. In the meantime, if you are a man in Boston interested in buying a good-sized pressure cooker, might be a good idea to wait a week.
–
So a compromise proposal to expand gun background checks “lost” in the Senate as the vote was 54 for and 46 against. 54-46?! Whatever happened to majority rule?
–
Phil Jackson is reportedly ready to end his latest coaching retirement. Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, give it up already.
–
Tonight is last night of #NBA regular season. So this means only 3-4 months until the playoff finals?
–
The National Republican Congressional Committeesaid they will not be putting any more money into Mark Sanford’s congressional race. Allegedly because the GOP was caught “off guard” by Jenny Sanford’s trespassing charges and worry other damaging revelations about his personal life could emerge before the election. Gosh, and why would they doubt Mark at this point?
–
American Airlines apologized for their computer glitch that grounded flights yesterday. Wonder how long it will take them to add a “computer maintenance” fee?
–
More proof that women are tougher than men: WNBA #1 pick, Britney Griner, about sexuality and sports – “I wouldn’t say I was hiding or anything like that. I’ve always been open about who I am and my sexuality. If I can show that I’m out and I’m fine and everything’s OK, then hopefully the younger generation will definitely feel the same way.”
–
From my friend Alex Kaseberg “The movie ’42’ is out. It is a movie about Jackie Robinson, so it is about class, courage, grace and dignity. Or as it is also known: ‘The Not Alex Rodriguez Story.’ ”
_
Another story on “Sweet Caroline” last night. We may hate other teams on the field, but we are all Americans:
http://aol.sportingnews.com/mlb/story/2013-04-16/new-york-yankees-sweet-caroline-boston-red-sox-marathon-victims-tribute
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Airlines jokes, Carnival Cruise Line jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 