Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category
June 10, 2013
For San Antonio Spurs fans Sunday’s game against the Miami Heat was almost as horrific as last Sunday’s “Game of Thrones” wedding.
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That late third quarter run by the #MiamiHeat against the #SanAntonioSpurs could almost be considered elder abuse.
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You think you have a tough week, month or year ahead at work. You could be the lawyers assigned to defend Ariel Castro, who apparently plans to plead not guilty on all counts.
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UCLA was the first qualifier for the College World Series. At this point they might be a better amateur team than the Los Angeles Angels.
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Interesting that the Tony awards and the NBA finals are on the same night. One uses statues, the other uses free throws, but they both reward acting.
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Since May 31, the NY Mets were swept by the Miami Marlins in five games over two series. Who knew that the best day so far in June for Mets fans would be last Friday’s rainout?
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The suspected Santa Monica gunman was ID’ed today. Previously he had only been identified as “male.” With these mass shootings doesn’t that kind of go without saying?
And another thought about all the killers in shooting sprees being male. Aren’t women the ones who are supposed to be in homicidal rages every month?
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Meanwhile, in Arizona, a 4 year old boy accidentally shot his father with a gun he found while they were visiting, Proving once again, guns don’t kill people, children kill people.
On a lighter note, in his first inning in the major leagues, San Francisco outfielder Juan Perez caught a ball against the padded fence in Arizona that made all the highlight reels. Good thing Perez’s opening start wasn’t against the Cubs with the brick walls in Wrigley, or he’d be viewing those highlights from a hospital bed.
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From Gary Bachman: ” Tennessee deadbeat dad Orlando Shaw has fathered 22 kids to 14 different women. I’m shocked– Shaw has never played in the NBA.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, lawyer jokes, NBA jokes, Tony jokes
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June 9, 2013
Now it’s the producers who were fired. Will the last person to leave American Idol please turn off the lights?
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The NHL Chicago Blackhawks won tonight to assure an all “Original Six” matchup against the Boston Bruins. Of course, for many Americans “Original Six” just means Tiger’s first seven girlfriends.
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For social media fans, an interesting side-note to today’s Belmont Stakes: From the thoroughbred racing rules: “Names can be up to 18 characters, including spaces and punctuation.” So was horse racing the original Twitter?
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Had Orb won the Preakness, the Belmont with a possible Triple Crown would have been one of the most watched few minutes of sports on Saturday. As it was, ratings probably made the WNBA look good.
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My friend Joe Salvatore points out that “Three different horses won the Triple crown races, and all three horses refuse to talk to the media.”
In addition, all three will soon be producing multiple offspring out of wedlock. Who says racehorses aren’t true athletes.
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A winning bidder paid $1,000,100 to have lunch with Warren Buffett. The best investment advice Buffett will probably give him? “Don’t spend $1 million on lunch.”
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On the Jimmy Kimmel show Shaquille O’Neal lost a shooting contest to a 2-year old. But to be fair, the kid had a big advantage. They probably told Shaq to imagine he was shooting free throws.
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Got to love human ingenuity. In Stockholm summer temperatures can reach 95 degrees, but train operators are forbidden from wearing shorts. So 13 men decided to obey the rules, by wearing skirts.
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The Santa Monica gunman wasn’t identified as of Saturday. Wonder which will come first. The police announcing his name, or the NRA saying we shouldn’t blame this on the easy availability of assault rifles.
First reports were that he was a young man. With a mass shooting isn’t saying “young man” almost redundant?
A T and T is now sending a video cellphone bill supposedly to make it easier to understand what additional things you are being billed for – with the note “if viewed on a mobile device standard data rates will apply.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: belmont jokes
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June 8, 2013
Really?!! In talking about his 2012 campaign Mitt Romney said today “I can tell you the hurricane (Sandy) didn’t come at the right time.” Would Mitt like to enlighten us as to when he thinks might have been a good time?
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Glenn Beck said today “For any role that I have played in dividing, I wish I can take them (my comments) back.” Translation, I wish I hadn’t been fired from my Fox show.
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From my funny friend R.J. Currie “The NBA fined Miami Heat star LeBron James $5,000 for flopping, which is one minute seven seconds pay he’ll never get back.”
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Speech-less in San Jose. Some are criticizing President Obama because he delayed his speech for a minute or so when aides forgot to leave his speech at the podium. Well, at least they can’t complain this time about his use of a teleprompter.
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While Michele Bachmann is not running again for Congress she did hint that she may run for President in 2016. Might be the best news Democrats have had all week.
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Maybe all kids growing up should get a Miranda rights type lecture on social media. Ian Clarkin might have benefited. After the 18-year-old pitcher said his top baseball moment growing up was watching the Diamondbacks beat the Yankees in game 7 of the World Series – “I cannot stand the Yankees, so I was actually in tears I was so happy,” And of course, who drafted him? The Yankees.
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Kim Kardashian is upset with pararazzi hoping to get a picture of her while pregnant and has called for “laws to be put in place to prevent this behavior.” Wonder if Kim will take her campaign for privacy to her reality show.
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Despite perhaps a smoking gun, or should I say smoking syringe, many MLB analysts think there will be few if any more suspensions from the Bigenesis mess. Is this baseball’s version of “Too big to fail?”
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American Airlines is almost doubling their charge for a second bag checked on flights to Europe, from $60 to $100. Wonder how much they’d charge to check a bag that would always end up on the same flight that you do.
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Cleveland closer Chris Perez and his wife were charged with misdemeanor possession after drug agents intercepted a marijuana package mailed to his home. Police say Perez told them he had pot for personal use and pointed out two jars. His lawyer says the couple will plead not guilty and “expect a favorable outcome.” Guess it’s true what they say about marijuana and short-term memory.
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Cincinnati Bengals OT Andrew Whitworth said if he ended up on a team that moved to London he would “hope that I was financially able to quit, because if I was, my papers would be the first one in.” Just wondering, has Whitworth looked at a globe lately? It wouldn’t be the easiest trip, but for example, Boston to London is barely 500 miles more than Miami to Seattle. And it’s closer to Cincinnati than Hawaii, where Whitman happily went to the Pro Bowl.
A Texas actress who has had minor TV roles was arrested today and charged with sending ricin-laced letters to President Obama and NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Allegedly she did it because she was mad at her husband and hoped to implicate him. Kind of makes “Not tonight, I have a headache” look warm and fuzzy by comparison.
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The way Dodgers’ rookie Yasiel Puig is hitting, how long until someone with the Giants sends a boat close to the Cuban shore and yells for baseball players to jump in….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Glenn Back jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, NFL jokes, Romney jokes
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June 7, 2013
The aging San Antonio Spurs looked like the more energetic team tonight in the NBA finals, despite the late 9pm start time. Maybe it works having dinner be that 4p Early Bird Special.
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David Stern said before game 1 that this was “probably the most anticipated Finals in who knows, 30 years.” Wow, that’s almost as good as Bud Selig saying the steroid era was over.
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45 years ago, June 6, Robert F. Kennedy died after being shot the night before. Scary to realize he’s been dead longer than he was alive.
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Dallas Cowboys DT Josh Brent, awaiting trial for the DUI car crash that killed his teammate Jerry Brown, tested positive for marijuana. Prosecutors are trying to revoke his bail, and presumably to add charges of criminal stupidity and 1st degree douchebagery.
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On a package of Children’s Benadryl: “Do not use to make a child sleepy.” Wonder if it will stop parents from trying, or give more other parents the idea.
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The karmic payback for shutting down Stephen Strasburg in 2012 continues? The Nationals’ Bryce Harper now will see Dr. James Andrews about his knee, which is not responding to treatment.
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Chris Christie appointed N.J. Attorney General Jeffrey Chiesa, a self-described “conservative Republican” to the Senate to replace Frank Lautenberg. Chiesa called the appointment “an incredible honor,” and says he will not run in the October special election. Translation, he knows he has no chance of winning.
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Mississippi State’s football program is expected to be hit with sanctions for “major infractions” tomorrow. What’s a “major infraction?” Anything done wrong by a non-major SEC program.
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A truck carrying a tank of 6,000 gallons whiskey overturned in New Jersey, and then the liquor caught fire. Firefighters were able to use foam to extinguish the blaze and much of the liquor just flowed into the gutter. At Jersey Shore, flags were lowered to half staff.
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UNC leading scorer’s P.J. Hairston was charged with marijuana possession following a traffic stop in Durham, N.C. Really? You’re a Tar Heel and you do something illegal in Durham? About as smart as speeding near Fenway Park wearing a Yankees Cap.
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A judge tossed a suit by PA’s governor alleging that taking scholarships from Penn State will result in a market-wide anticompetitive effect, such that the “nation’s top scholastic football players” would be unable to obtain a Division 1 scholarship.” Uh, right, because Penn State was only taking student-athletes who had no other offers.
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Wonder how many of the people screaming about the NSA getting Americans’ telephone records are the same ones screaming that the government should have been keeping close track on the Boston bombers.
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A JetBlue flight from White Plains, NY to Fort Myers, FL was diverted to JFK after a bird strike this morning. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, David Stern jokes, Janice Hough, jersey jokes, NBA jokes
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June 5, 2013
The big Powerball winner turns out to be an 84 year old Florida woman. Lottery secretary Cynthia O’Connell said she took the smaller one-time amount and turned down the 30-year payout. Ya think?
The 84 year old woman who won the $590 million Powerball said she’s thankful to the person who let her cut in front of them in line to buy a Quick Pick ticket. Chivalry may not have been dead but this just killed it.
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One more thought about the winner of the Powerball lottery. She waited two weeks to come forward. Two weeks at the age of 84? That’s a significant fraction of your life as a multimillionaire.
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“The use of steroids and amphetamines amongst today’s players has greatly subsided and is virtually nonexistent… The so-called steroid era is clearly a thing of the past.” Bud Selig, January, 2010. Uh, not exactly.
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Apparently Biogenesis founder Tony Bosch asked A-Rod for financial help this Spring to fight an MLB lawsuit and was turned down. Proving probably once again, if you’re a public figure always pay off your mistresses, posse and pushers.
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Not a great PR week for baseball. Now drug agents are apparently investigating a narcotics delivery to the home of Cleveland Indians closer Chris Perez. If true, how stupid. Aren’t you supposed to have your posse take delivery of your drugs?
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Turns out the drug allegedly mailed to the suburban home of Cleveland closer Chris Perez was marijuana. Really? If so Perez couldn’t have just waited until the Indians’ road trip this month to Seattle?
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Some cruise lines have cancelled river cruises due to high water on the Danube. And at Carnival Cruise Lines they’re thinking “Bummer for them, but at least this time it’s not us.”
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You’d think Gordon Gee, 69, who is stepping down in July as Pres. of Ohio State after snide remarks about Notre Dame and the SEC, would have learned to keep his mouth shut. You would think wrong. At a press conference to explain his decision, Gee added “I’ve only got a month to ruin the university. I’ve got to get at it.”
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JaMarcus Russell may be getting a tryout with the Chicago Bears. If anyone could make Bears fans long for the halcyon days of Rex Grossman….
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Former Sen. John Edwards apparently is going to open a new law firm and specialize in personal injury. Well, if anyone’s now an expert at injuring yourself…
I’m sure the young man will have a great career. But the Los Angeles Dodgers are no longer undefeated in the #YasielPuig era.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Biogenesis jokes, Bud Selig jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, lottery jokes, PED jokes, Powerball jokes, steroid jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 5, 2013
Domino’s is testing a drone, dubbed the DomiCopter, that could someday deliver two large pizzas within a four mile radius in 10 minutes. Considering the fat and calories in an average large Domino’s pizza, this drone is likely to kill a lot more Americans than those used by the Defense Department.
The GOP is mad at Chris Christie for calling a special election in October and not appointing a Republican senator through 2014. Democrats are mad at the N.J. Governor for not having the election three weeks later when he himself is running for re-election. Thinking if you can annoy both parties you must be doing something right.
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Chris Christie has called a special election for October 16 to replace N.J. Senator Frank Lauterberg. Smart decision. Avoids the political trap of choosing someone to serve 18 months, and at least Mets, Phillies and probably Yankees fans won’t be distracted by playoff games.
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Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is finally final. So where are all the defenders of traditional marriage for procreation and child raising on this one?
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Am I happy reading about the tax money spent on expensive IRS conferences, no? But a little amusing to hear the outrage from Congress when they also support allowing tax deductions for “business expenses” like Michelin-starred meals, five-star hotels and Super Bowl tickets…
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Adrian Peterson says now that he would be okay with a openly gay teammate. But that “simple things, as far as showers and things like that, you know, of course, anyone would be uncomfortable.” Once again, proof that women are tougher than men.
Wednesday’s Blue Jays Giants game is a 100mph pitchers’ duel. Dickey and Zito combined might throw 100mph.
Well, we knew Yasiel Puig could hit AAA pitching. Now let’s see what happens when the Dodgers take on someone other than the Padres.
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Meanwhile from Bill Littlejohn: “A skunk made an appearance in the stands at Dodger Stadium last night.Scouting reports said that he’s a pretty good spray hitter”
(insert Pepe Le Puig joke here.)
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“Really?” department: The Pres. of the Coalition for Life of Iowa, a witness at the IRS hearings said her group was provisionally granted 501(c)(3) nonprofit status on the condition that its officers sign a promise that they would not protest nor organize protests or pickets of Planned Parenthood. “That’s not what we’re even about. When we go to Planned Parenthood, we’re there to pray. Granted some of our members do bring signs….”
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After a few statements he made at a dinner in December became public, Ohio State president Gordon Gee announced his retirement today. Gee had simply joked about “those damn Catholics” at Notre Dame and mocked SEC academics. Kind of makes you wonder what else he said that might be on someone’s video.
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After #GameofThornes #RedWedding presumably there will be less bitching from #DowntonAbbey fans that the show is too cruel to its characters.
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From Paul Seaburn “Former Miss America Erika Harold announced she’ll run for Congress in Illinois in 2014 as a Republican. Her platform is expected to be shoes.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, Dodger jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, New Jersey jokes, Puig jokes
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June 3, 2013
So we have long learned that most NBA teams don’t show up for what they perceive as meaningless regular season games. Did the Miami Heat put the first six games of the Eastern Conference Finals in that category?
The Los Angeles Angels just got swept by the Houston Astros. Even Dodgers fans are sympathetic.
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More than 110 MLB players were granted exemptions to use Adderall in 2012. Out of 750. Percentage of U.S. children estimated to have ADHD? Between 3 and 7% Just sayin’
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Someone posted a picture of a so-far-unnamed Taco Bell employee licking a stack of taco shells. Going to be interesting to see what he fills in under that “why did you leave your last job.” section of his next employment application.
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Quote from tonight’s “Bachelorette” about her group date: “I’ve never (before) had to juggle 14 men in my entire life.” Guess this makes her the temporary female equivalent of an NBA player.
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Chris Christie has a tough choice in appointing a Senator to replace Frank Lauterberg, who passed away today. If Christie chooses Cory Booker, he helps a potential future rival, if he chooses a Republican he alienates his mostly Democratic state. The ideal choice, a popular New Jersey resident who won’t run in 2014…. Hey, Snooki is available.
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Another thought about that New Jersey seat. Who can #ChrisChristie pick for New Jersey Senate with bipartisan support? What about #BruceSpringsteen? #TheBossforSenate
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Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins said today in an interview that he doesn’t want to coach anywhere else. “I believe in Memphis. I love Memphis. I don’t have any intention of going anywhere.” Translation, no one’s offered me enough money to change my mind yet.
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Jason #Kidd is retiring from the #NBA. Guess he wants to spend more time with his grandchildren.
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I don’t watch “Game of Thrones,” but I do know that it’s based on a 13 year old book. Judging by the outrage I’m reading about tonight’s episode I’m guessing maybe folks were shocked by the movie ending of “The Great Gatsby” too?
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Okay, this is sick, but inspired by my friends Chris Eisenberg and Andrew Robinson’s posts, how many parents who remember when their children were young would have loved to see a “Red Wedding” episode on “Barney?”
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Dunkin’ Donuts is adding a doughnut breakfast sandwich with fried eggs and bacon to their national menu this Friday. Maybe it’s all part of a “Keep Social Security Solvent” plan. The more Americans eat the sandwich, the less of them will live long enough to collect Social Security.
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Newest game played at #Zynga?
“Words on Resumes With Friends”?
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No one has come forward to claim the $590 million Powerball prize won two weeks ago in Florida. Which means someone could be still trying to get their future life organized, or maybe the winner is a senior who already forgot that he or she played.
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Republican congresswoman Marsha Blackburn says that women don’t want guaranteed equal pay laws. “They want to be able to have the power and the control and the ability to make those decisions for themselves.” Uh, right, what about when the decision is “take it or leave it?”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, Game of Thrones jokes, Janice Hough, Miami Heat jokes, New Jersey jokes, Powerball jokes
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June 2, 2013
If the #Pacers win game 7 Monday night against the #Heat, the biggest #flopping in the NBA finals may be their TV ratings.
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In a post game news conference Saturday night, the Pacers’ Roy Hibbert used a gay slur in one answer. And added the kind of curse that will get you tossed from most sporting events to refer to the media. So is he part of a conspiracy already…to try to make the Heat the more likeable team?
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#SFGiants thought it was bad when last night’s game was rained out. Turns out it was worse when today’s doubleheader wasn’t…
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(As my friend Tony Alan Banks says, Hill is such a class act, hard to believe he was ever in the NBA.)
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Colts QB Andrew Luck said “It’s the 21st century” and he would have “absolutely no problem” with an openly gay teammate. (And hey, what Luck didn’t mention. None of those distractions like paternity suits.)
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R.I.P. Jean Stapleton. So in heaven tonight will Carroll O’Connor be greeting her with a big hug and “Stifle, Edith, Stifle!?
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Krispy Kreme Doughnuts stock jumped after first quarter sales and profit exceeded expectations. Sounds like the new Colorado and Washington marijuana laws are already stimulating the economy.
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Nine people were killed in the most recent Oklahoma tornadoes, but two storm chasers are alive despite being temporarily trapped in the eye of the storm and hit by flying debris. And somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”
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Stephen Strasburg left after 2 innings Friday with an oblique injury. No doubt making Nationals fans even more thrilled that the team shut him down in a possible World Series year.
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Okay, am I the only one who sees “Tiger has worst nine holes ever” and thinks that it’s a waitress joke?
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Today marks the 60th anniversary of the coronation of England’s Queen. And yes, we’re talking Elizabeth, not the first Grammy won by Elton John.
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From my friend Alex Kaseberg, after Keyshawn Johnson complained about Justin Bieber’s speeding: in their neighborhood: “When your behavior offends an ex-NFL receiver, it is time to clean up your act.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Heat jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, NBA jokes, Pacers jokes
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June 1, 2013
SF Giants were looking for a way not to lose on the road. Don’t think postponement by tornado was what they had in mind.
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The Atlanta Braves are reportedly considering sending B.J. Upton to AAA. Which for Justin Upton puts a whole new spin on “Oh brother, where are thou?”
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Due to supposed “changes in the tour’s rehearsal schedule” the July 14th American Idol LIVE! show at Oakland’s Oracle Arena has been cancelled. Thousands of pre-teen girls are heartbroken, thousands of their parents are trying not to admit they are thrilled.
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Miami Heat center Chris Andersen was suspended for game 6 against the Indiana Pacers after he body-checked Tyler Hansbrough to the floor in game 5. On a brighter note, Andersen has been offered a tryout by several NHL teams..
(and rumor has it Andersen has also been named an honorary Duke Blue Devil.)
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Joran van der Sloot, the #1 suspect in the 2005 probable Aruba murder of Natalee Holloway, is serving time for murder a female student in Peru. And now he’s going to be married in prison to a local woman. Can you say, even if not a smart woman, a really really foolish choice?
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Better to be lucky than smart? RB Matt Brown was supposed to sign a contract with Saskatchewan of the CFL. But he forgot his passport had expired and couldn’t board the flight. Before he could fix it the Tampa Bay Bucs offered him a contract. (And no, Brown isn’t from the SEC, he went to Temple.)
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Starbucks is going to ban smoking within 25 feet of their stores starting tomorrow. So the only addictive drug allowed anywhere near Starbucks will be their coffee.
(or as several friends pointed out – coffee and SUGAR.)
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Dwight Howard now apparently wants to sign with the Houston Rockets. Could be a fine match, Rockets fans already know not to expect anything from their team in the playoffs.
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Royals-Cardinals finished Thursday night’s start Friday morning at 314a, after a 4 1/2 hour rain delay. Then Friday night-Saturday am, the Toronto Blue Jays and San Diego Padres played 17 innings, and finished after midnight. There are Hollywood marriages that were shorter than these games.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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May 28, 2013
Nike is cutting ties with Livestrong. Shocking! Nike still had ties with Livestrong?
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The Miami Heat and Indianapolis Pacers are heading to game five after splitting their first four. Meanwhile the San Antonio Spurs can sit back, relax, and work on things like their Finals game plan and Medicare choices.
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LeBron James denied that he personally flops, but added “Any way you can get an advantage over the opponent to help your team win, so be it.” It’s stuff like this that makes the Miami Heat so beloved outside South Florida….
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#NotreDame coach Brian Kelly says he is “disappointed” in expelled QB Everett #Golson. Disappointed that Golson cheated, or got caught?
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WalMart announced they pleaded guilty to dumping hazardous waste in California, and will pay a $81 million fine. You know what that means – cutting more employees down to part-time so they can save on benefits.
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Ten members of Congress said they sent letters to owners of all NFL teams, commissioner Roger Goodell, and sponsor FedEX, urging the Washington Redskins to change their name. Well it’s not like Congress has anything better to do with their time…..
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A new movie, “Rodham”, will be based on the life of Hillary Clinton as a young woman. Potential stars included Scarlett Johansson, Reese Witherspoon, Amanda Seyfried and Jessica Chastain. Upon hearing the names Bill Clinton has offered to personally man the casting couch, uh, room.
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The University of Georgia suspended star sophomore safety Josh Harvey-Clemons for the first game of the season due to a marijuana “incident.” Wonder on what page of SEC teams’ playbooks they have the section on Miranda rights.
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Regarding the latest mess at Rutgers with new AD Julie Hermann, I suppose at least it’s a sign of equality that women in positions of power may be able to behave as badly as men?
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The Dow had a record close, housing sales are up and consumer confidence is up. What does that mean to Republicans? The IRS, AP and Benghazi.
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Well, if there’s a silver lining to tonight, at least the San Jose #Sharks won’t break their fans hearts in the #StanleyCup Finals.
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In that “there’s no such thing as bad publicity” department, wonder how long until Royal Caribbean has a fire sale?
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Apparently when Christie and Obama toured the Jersey Shore Boardwalk, the President tried five times without success to throw a football through a hoop to win a prize. Who does Barack think he is? Mark Sanchez?
(My friend Denny M. suggests, “No, Tim Tebow. Tebow is also left-handed.”)
A new Australian study links drinking five or more cups of coffee daily to an increased risk of obesity. Wonder if it’s the coffee, or the five or more doughnuts, danish etc that might go with them?.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes. Congress jokes, cruise jokes, Janice Hough, Livestrong jokes, Walmart jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
May 27, 2013
Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Ian Kennedy missed his start today because he cut himself washing the dishes. And all over America, men are going “See, honey, I’d love to help clean up but for men that stuff is dangerous.”
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Sarah Palin attended the NBA playoff game in Indianapolis last night. Presumably to root for Miami. It might have been the only way for Palin to prove she could stand the Heat.
The Seattle Seahawks, with 5 players suspended since 2011 for PEDS, called a players only meeting today, reportedly “about not making the same mistakes over and over.” Taking the PEDS? Or getting caught?
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Apparently Donald Trump has spent over $1 million exploring a potential presidential bid in 2016. Say what? The guy wants us to trust him with the U.S. budget, and this is his idea of a good use of money?
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Sergio Garcia says he hopes to meet up with Tiger Woods in person to apologize for his “fried chicken.” Many fans would prefer the two wait to meet up until “Celebrity Boxing.”
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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said that the media is a ‘bunch of maggots’ for reporting allegations that there is a video of him smoking crack. Wow. What’s next for for Ford if he has to step down… running for Governor of Alaska?
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So the Royal Caribbean fire, 3 nights into a 7 day cruise, appears to have been rather quickly contained, the ship did not lose power, there were no injuries. Plus everyone on board is getting a refund and a certificate for another cruise. But the happiest folks without a doubt- everyone at Carnival Cruise Lines.
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Embattled Rutgers AD Julie Hermann said that university President Robert Barchi has assured her she will keep her job. Uh, but doesn’t that assume Barchi will keep his?
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Since Memorial Day is a good day to remember we are all Americans and in this together, in that spirit will post that Clayton Kershaw, who gave up 4 runs in yesterday’s loss, had not allowed more than 3 earned runs in his last 22 starts. Yes, he is a great pitcher, yes, he is a L.A. Dodger. (Okay, I’m done now.)
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–A recent poll indicated 54% of Americans still oppose “Obamacare.” And let me guess, before the bill passed, about 99% of that 54% already had health insurance.
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Danica Patrick’s boyfriend Ricky Stenhouse Jr, caused her car and another to wreck in yesterday’s NASCAR race. Guessing there’s a moratorium on “women driver” jokes between them for a while.
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From Marc Ragovin :Tampa Bay Rays’ pitcher Roberto Hernandez, who was formerly known as Fausto Carmona, got hit hard by the Yankees the other day and now has a 2-5 record and a 5.72 era. Asked to comment, Rays’ manager Joe Madden said ‘he’s just not pitching like himself these days.'”
So if anyone hadn’t eaten enough junk food this weekend, the Bachelorette started tonight: Junk food for the mind
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Palin jokes, Rob Ford jokes, Rutgers jokes
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May 26, 2013
Minnesota Senator Al Franken, once thought to be a top GOP target, is now a heavy favorite to win re-election. Guess he’s good enough, smart enough, and people like him.
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Now-former Notre Dame QB Everett Golson said he was “suspended from the university for poor academic judgment.”. Give the guy some credit. He accepts responsibility and can use polysyllabic words.
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But come on, if he did plagiarise an exam, you think Golson couldn’t have found an imaginary girlfriend to take the test for him?
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When new Rutgers AD Julie Hermann coached women’s volleyball at Tennessee, 15 players wrote a letter complaining she called them “whores, alcoholics and learning disabled.” Now when asked Hermann said “I never heard any of this, never name-calling them or anything like that whatsoever.” Possibly proving that women can be just as clueless as men about saying those three little words – “I was wrong.”
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Asked if they would fit with the Republican party today. “Reagan wouldn’t have made it, certainly Nixon wouldn’t have made it, because he had ideas. We (I) might have made it, but I doubt it.” The responder? That commie-pinko Bob Dole.
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A rope cable from the Fox Skycam fell tonight during the Coca-Cola 600, injuring at least 10 fans and damaging several cars. Of course this is bad news for the fans and drivers, but on the other hand, a few more episodes like this should be good for NASCAR TV ratings.
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Good luck to Mike Kickham, 24, who as been announced as the SF Giants’ Tuesday starter against the Oakland As. Kickham will at least temporarily be the third lefty in the Giants rotation. And really, isn’t Tim Lincecum weird enough to be an honorary lefty?
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Los Angeles Dodgers’ 2013 record when trailing after six innings – 0 and 17. And all those Dodger fans who leave in the 7th said “See!?”
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Feeling jaded about MLB as a business? I dare you to watch this postgame interview without smiling.
http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1652622-munenori-kawasaki-video-watch-blue-jays-ss-epic-interview-after-walkoff-double
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Al Franken jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Nascar jokes, SF Giants
Comments: 4 Comments
May 25, 2013
A woman known as the “hot-dog hooker” from Long Island, NY, jailed for 7 days last year for selling sex out of her hot-dog truck, was busted again for prostitution yesterday. Maybe she should try a change of direction, like working on Anthony Weiner’s campaign.
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Headline on the Mariners-Rangers Friday night game, (with a double-play called that wasn’t one) “Umpire regrets botched call.” Isn’t this getting to be baseball’s version of “Groundhog Day?”
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Hail Mary time? Everett Golson, Notre Dame’s starting QB, a redshirt freshman in 2012, is suddenly no longer enrolled in the school. Reportedly for an “Office of Residence Life violation.” Over-under on how long it takes an SEC school to offer Golson a scholarship?
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SF Giants win Saturday with an inside-the-park walk-off home run by Angel Pagan. Aka now. Angel Going-Going-Going-Going-Going- Still-Going-Gone.
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Embattled #Toronto mayor #RobFord “I do not use crack cocaine, nor am I an addict of crack cocaine.” Uh, if A, no need to say B.
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So just wondering, for strict creationists, if their kids manage to go to the American Museum of Natural History’s dinosaur and human evolution displays, do they feel the same way other parents do when their kids access internet porn?
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Golfer Jeff Overton was DQ’ed from the Colonial Tournament for using a putting aid during a delay where officials told golfers they could practice chipping and putting. PGA rules make the balk rule seem simple by comparison.
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Another day, another injury for the first place NY Yankees, with $95 million of their payroll on the DL. Now it’s Curtis Granderson who broke his left pinky. Bad news for Yankees haters, a few more injuries and they may end up winning it all.
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Open note to SF Giants: A few more walk-off wins like today’s and there may have to be a warning sign at A T and T Park “Warning, this game may be hazardous to watch for those with heart conditions.”
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“You’re born, you die. Everything in between is subject to interpretation.” Nora Ephron – “Lucky Guy.”
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From Bill Littlejohn. “Tiger Woods has apparently hired a PR firm reshape Tiger Woods’ image: Who needs them when he has Sergio Garcia?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: golf jokes, hot dog hooker jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
May 24, 2013
So are the Indianapolis #Pacers the best NBA team no one has ever heard of?
Notre Dame’s football program is apparently paying ex-coach Charlie Weiss over $2 million this year, about twice as much as current coach Brian Kelly. But hey, it will work out, after Kelly signs an extension and then gets fired a few years later he’ll make more than the next coach.
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The NBA fined Memphis Grizzlies guard Tony Allen $5,000 for violating the league’s anti-flopping rule. Or maybe let’s call it what it is – a bad acting award.
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Go figure, Nokia is now advertising their smartphone as having the best “low-light camera?” Guess we can bid farewell to the days when telephone companies market their devices’ ability to actually make and receive calls.
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Former “Bachelorette” Meredith Phillips says she used to be an alcoholic. As opposed to all the people who were just driven to drink too much to get through watching the show.
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Donald Rumsfeld said he would give the Obama administration an F, though he would gave the Bush administration a D-. Isn’t this like Mark Sanford or Anthony Weiner complaining about politicians who can’t be trusted?
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Apparently the company that owns the TGI Fridays accused of selling fake top shelf booze also owns a number of Wendy’s in New Jersey. Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about what’s in their hamburgers.
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Bob Dylan is 72 today. Easier for him to grow old perhaps than many music stars. Many of them lose their voices with age. He never had one to lose.
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This Bay Bridge bolt mess in Northern California just turned into a Wizard of Oz moment: “Pay no attention to that bridge in Washington state….”
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Over a decade ago, Jerry Lewis said he was against idea of women comics, and this week he repeated it, saying “I cannot sit and watch a lady diminish her qualities to the lowest common denominator.” Responded most female comics “Jerry Lewis has qualities to be diminished?”
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Investigators from New Jersey’s division of Alcoholic Beverage Control say they caught 29 bars and restaurants selling the cheapest booze, rubbing alcohol and/or dirty water when customers ordered and paid for top-shelf drinks. 13 of the establishments were TGI Fridays. Makes you kind of wonder what they put in the food.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: NBA jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
May 23, 2013
Uh oh. Underage drinking. Time for a congressional investigation.
As my friend Bob Thompson says, “polyester is the most egregious violation. The investigation should be immediate.”
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Justin Bieber is apparently making guests at his parties sign a contract promising not to post pictures of it on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Shocking. Bieber has friends?
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The Boy Scouts of America have apparently voted to allow openly gay boys to be accepted as Scouts. For a lot of conservative parents, this is likely to be a controversial decision. For their sons, it’s more likely to be “whatever.”
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So jurors couldn’t decide on the penalty phase of Jodi Arias’s trial. Hey, doesn’t Jerry Sandusky need a cellmate?
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Apparently marijuana users are more likely to be slim. And a new study indicates that pot smokers appear to have better carbohydrate metabolism than nonusers.” Either that or Doritos is an unsung diet food.
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–Cleveland kidnapping hero Charles Ramsey will get free burgers for life thanks to two local restaurants. Free burgers for life? Look for a post baseball career in volunteer law enforcement for Pablo Sandoval.
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Great, we’re now arguing over whether Democrats or Republicans are responsible for George W. Bush’s appointment of Douglas Shulman, IRS commissioner during the targeting of Tea Party groups. How about spending some of this energy on fixing the corporate tax code?
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Anthony Weiner is now officially running for Mayor of New York. Not sure this is what most Americans mean when they say they want politicians who practice full disclosure.
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My friend Jeff Klein has an interesting way to waste time – all the phrases that don’t really have meaning anymore – “Roll down the window”, “Dial a phone,””Record of the Year….” Figure my readers can come up with dozens.
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#ChuckNorris just wrote of Tim #Tebow “He reminds me of myself.” And some would say, and about as likely to be a real #NFL quarterback.
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At Fleetwood Mac concerts this days there are two advantages to the cheap seats. 1. You can’t see the wrinkles. 2. The rising cloud is free treatment for glaucoma etc.
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Jesse James apparently severed his pinky finger in a shop accident. Ex-wife Sandra Bullock and several other ex’s might no doubt be forgiven for wishing he had severed something else.
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The Houston Astros fired a stadium vendor after a fan filmed him putting a tray of snow cones onto a bathroom floor while he used the facilities. Yikes. And here Astros fans thought the most stomach churning thing this year at Minute Maid Park would be the team’s play on the field.
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Aaron Rodgers wants the Green Bay Packers to retire Brett Favre’s #4. It’s either a nice gesture of sportsmanship, or Rodgers wants to make it even harder for Favre to try to come back and take his job.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Chuck norris jokes, IRS jokes, Janice Hough, Weiner jokes
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May 23, 2013
An 80-year-old Japanese man became the oldest person to reach the top of Mount Everest on Thursday. And what were his first words at the top? Presumably “You punks get off my mountain.”
Wonder if he did the whole ascent with his right blinker on?
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And a few comments about a Fleetwood Mac concert tonight in San Jose:
One reason to go to a Fleetwood Mac these days, – looking around at the crowd and feeling reasonably young by comparison.
(As my friend Gil says, “want to feel really young, check out the stage.)
-The Fleetwood Mac demographic actually works very well indoors. Up in the cheap seats where all the air rises, it’s not only a concert, it’s a free glaucoma treatment.
Another advantage to the cheap seats, you can’t see how old the band really is.
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So yesterday San Francisco was thrilled to win the right to host the 2016 Super Bowl. Have to assume the first protests against the game started today.
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Twit alert. A British 20 year old was suspended from her job after tweeting “Definitely knocked a cyclist off his bike earlier – I have right of way he doesn’t even pay road tax #bloodycyclists.” And her perhaps former job…. she was a trainee solicitor(lawyer.)
Phil Jackson says now that when the Los Angeles Lakers told him they were hiring Mike D’Antoni instead of him he just laughed. Does kind of make you wonder how the team ever managed to fit Phil and Kobe’s egos in the same locker room.
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The NY Yankees have partnered with Manchester City to buy a NY soccer team that will start competing in MLS in 2015. Does this mean we’ll finally have a soccer team that gets coverage on ESPN?
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So rumors are that Aroldis Chapman may have blown a save Sunday because someone gave the Reds’ star closer 100 Cuban pastries, and he ate 18 of them before the game. This wouldn’t happen in SF. For Pablo Sandoval, 18 pastries would be PEDs.
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There’s light at the end of the tunnel. As of May 21, we are now definitely within a month of the end of the NBA playoffs. And no doubt about six weeks from the beginning of the 2013-14 preseason.
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Nationals’ closer Soriano complained about Bryce Harper Tuesday night in the 9th – ” “With 2 outs & the tying run at 1st, you have to play the outfield so the ball doesn’t go over your head.” SF Giants will take it but how about “with 2 outs & tying run at 1st you have not to throw a fat pitch with an 0-2 count.”
NY Jets rookie QB Geno Smith has hired Jay Z’s agency Roc Nation as his agent. Well, this ought to dispel the increasing sense that Smith is an image conscious diva.
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Haven’t really followed the Jodi Arias trial, but I see that Arias is now pleading that she not get the death penalty because she could start a book club in prison and donate her hair to sick kids. Can’t imagine how the jurors found her self-centered and insensitive enough to commit 1st degree murder….
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And just a nice story for a change:
http://www.upi.com/blog/2013/05/22/Helen-Mirren-dresses-as-Queen-has-tea-with-dying-boy/8901369238109/
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Everest jokes, fleetwood mac jokes, Janice Hough, Pablo Sandoval jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
May 21, 2013
But first, give this country credit. Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin has been one of the Governors most strongly rejecting Obamacare, and no doubt she is not a favorite of the President. But Obama promised major disaster aid immediately, with the same efforts to cut red tape he did in New Jersey with Sandy. And I expect a positive response from Governor Fallin. Even if it’s not an election year.
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Now, back to snark.
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It’s only May, but for Time’s “Person of the Year” 2013, may I suggest Mother Nature?
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The tornado news out of Oklahoma is pretty horrific. Wonder how long it will take though for Reps. Jim Bridenstine and Markwayne Mullin, and Senators who all voted “no” on Sandy Relief, to demand federal aid?
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Oklahoma currently ranks 3rd in the nation after Texas and California in terms of total federal disaster and fire declarations. Now, the first thing we need to do is help the state, ideally with a funding bill free from added pork. But second can the state’s senators and congressmen STFU about funding other state’s disasters.
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The death toll in Oklahoma unfortunately keeps climbing and will no doubt include many children. No way of knowing yet how many victims had been told to evacuate and/or go to shelters but perhaps next time people, wherever they are, will be a bit less cavalier on weather warnings.
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And how long until the first conservative pundit or politician figures out a way to try to blame the Oklahoma tornado on Obama?
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Apparently the Seattle Seahawks have the highest PED suspension rate in the NFL since Pete Carroll took over. And they probably attend classes at the same rate Carroll’s players did at USC.
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Tiger Woods was asked if he had tried to clear the air with Sergio Garcia after the Players Championship. His one word answer – “No.” Guess this marriage cannot be saved.
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Ray Manzarek of the Doors died today. Scary Doors sidelight. Had he lived, Jim Morrison would be 69. A few months younger than Mick Jagger.
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The NFL is close to moving the draft from April to May. Translation, “We want one more month of post-Super Bowl hype to take the spotlight from other sports.”.
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Relations between President Obama and the media may not be at their best, but up in Canada….. The Toronto Star and Gawker are raising money to buy a video from Somali drug dealers that purports to show Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack.
(What are signs that Rob Ford was smoking crack…. for starters was it his alleged planned Stanley Cub victory parade for the Maple Leafs?)
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Yahoo bought Tumblr and in a press release “Promises not to screw it up.” Uh, could they un-screw up Yahoo mail first?
Mark Obenshain, GOP nominee for Virginia attorney general, introduced a bill in 2009 that would make it a crime for women not to report a miscarriage to police within 24 hours. Why stop there? Why not also make it a crime for men to “spill their seed upon the ground?”
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A winning Mega Millions lottery ticket was sold in New Jersey, although the winner has yet to claim the prize. Presumably because he/she is busy making plans with the winnings to move out of New Jersey.
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Meanwhile, back at IRSGate or whatever they call it now, Okay, I get that the Tea Party may have been targeted unfairly by the IRS. But while they are proclaiming their outrage, would some Tea Party leaders also like to explain how they are a social welfare organization and not a political organization?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Oklahoma, Pete Carroll jokes, tornado jokes, Toronto jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
May 19, 2013
Ken Rosenthal thinks that Don Mattingly soon to be fired as #Dodgers manager. Wouldn’t it be worse punishment to make him stay whole season?
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Meanwhile #SFGiants. This road trip might be the worst ever not involving the Donner Party.
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If misery loves company, then at least relations betweens SF Giants and Los Angeles Dodgers fans may never be better.
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SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy said this has been the worst week he can remember “Wanna trade?” asked President Obama?
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Meanwhile MLB umpires are thinking next week can’t get any worse… From Marc Ragovin: “I’m not saying that MLB umpire Fielding Culbreath — who was suspended for allowing an illegal pitching change — is unfamiliar with the game’s rules, but he was heard singing the other day “cause it’s one, two, three strikes take your base at the old ball game.”
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A Florida Lottery executive told the AP. “We’re delighted right now that we have the sole winner,” and added that Florida has had more Powerball winners than any other state. Uh, except that as far as bragging, this is kind of the opposite of winning the state IQ test.
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Star Trek: Into Darkness” had a $70.6 million opening weekend in the U.S.- slightly disappointing to Paramount executives who had expected more. On the other hand, $70.6 million is pretty impressive considering how many theater-goers went without a date.
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A SNL skit last night paid homage to “The Graduate” as Seth Meyers broke up Stefon’s wedding. Reading this, a number of younger Americans no doubt are thinking “What’s ‘The Graduate?'” A number of older Americans are thinking “Who’s Stefon?”
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Now that gay marriage is legal in France, how long until the next trend is winking at married gay couples having affairs?
A man is in critical condition after falling from a roof during a San Francisco Bay to Breakers party Sunday. Which is sad, but did the media even need to add that police suspected alcohol “may have been involved?”
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That story about the 21 year old student on Long Island, NY who was taken hostage and then accidentally killed by a police bullet is awful. But once again, I wonder, if even a trained professional can make such a mistake in the heat of battle, why do so many think more armed amateurs will make us safer?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Powerball jokes, Star Trek jokes. umpire jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
May 18, 2013
Apparently if we really want to get voter turnout up in the US, all we need to do is offer voters a free #Powerball ticket.
But there was a Powerball winner tonight, as the odds indicated this time because most combinations were picked. And if most Americans understood the math of why that is unusual, they wouldn’t be playing in the first place.
(although as Michael Schilby points out.. A ticket is “
One positive thing about Powerball, at least it’s made sure most Americans have learned to count to 59.
Was only six numbers off tonight’s #Powerball jackpot, and I didn’t even play.
So with about a month to go in the NBA finals, we’ve got teams from the major media markets left of San Antonio, Indianapolis, Memphis and Miami. The winner? Might be Major League Baseball.
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#Oxbow won the #Preakness. Meaning the Belmont Stakes will now be about as much of a TV ratings success as the rest of #NBC’s lineup.
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Not saying Oxbow’s jockey Gary Stevens is old, but rumor has it he had to rush to the track for the 6:18pm post time after finishing his Early Bird special dinner.
(Alex Kaseberg adds, that Stevens is so old,
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Wow, never thought I’d type this: If the 2013 SF Giants could pitch and catch, they’d be dangerous.
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In 2013, Notre Dame can qualify for a BCS bowl if they win 9 games and finish in the top 14 of the final BCS poll. But due to current contracts, if they win, say, 6-7 games the Fighting Irish, while bowl-eligible, might have to stay home. Oh the horror.
No one was injured when a US Airways Express flight had landing gear problems and ended up making a belly landing at Newark Airport airport last night. But standby for a “wheel maintenance fee.”
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So will the main accomplishment of the Houston Astros moving leagues be keeping the LA Angels out of last place in the AL West?
Wouldn’t it be nice if Americans and the media got as up in arms about coming up with a fair and reasonable tax system as they did over whether some political groups were too closely scrutinized over what would be at best a questionable tax-exempt status?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Gary Stevens jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, NBA playoff jokes, Powerball jokes, Preakness jokes
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May 17, 2013
The odds of winning the week’s $600 million Powerball the jackpot are 1 in 175,223,510. Well, at least that’s slightly better than the Cubs winning the World Series.
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5.1 earthquake in Ontario, Canada today. What triggered it? Monday’s unprecedented avalanche of falling Maple Leafs?
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A new cellphone video appears to show Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack cocaine. Wow.And just a few days ago Torontonians thought the most embarrassing thing that could happen to their city was the Maple Leafs.
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New York Jets RB Mike Goodson was arrested this morning on drug possession and weapon charges. Good news for everyone who had May 17 in the “When does the post Tebow circus really start?” pool.
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9 errors in 4 games. If this keeps up the #SFGiants are going to have to add asterisks when they sell those “game-used gloves.”
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Seattle DE Bruce Irvin became the third Seahawk to be suspended in six months for PEDs. At this point the team is racking up so many rules violations Pete Carroll must think he’s back at USC.
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But come on. Seahawks DE Bruce Irvin was suspended FOUR games for PEDs. Only 1/4 of the regular season. Even Bud Selig thinks the NFL drug policy is lame.
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Beyonce has announced she is pregnant with her 2nd child. No announced due date but since she’s not really showing it appears she and Jay-Z will have several months to come up with a name weirder than “Blue Ivy.”
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Open note to other California drivers: If your SUV or minivan is big enough to fit an entire Little League team, it’s probably a tad too big for a “compacts only” parking place.
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Pat Robertson is taking some heat for his comments on infidelity: “Males have a tendency to wander a bit, and what you want to do is make the home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander.” What’s Pat’s defense, that he was going to follow Sanford and Weiner in attempting another run for office?
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Congrats to Vince Young. Who today is getting his degree from the University of Texas. And all across the SEC football players are asking “What’s a degree?”
Weird travel note. No joke. You know it’s a bad weekend to find hotel rooms in San Francisco when United Airlines has an internal message on delayed flights “DO NOT SEND ANY MISCONNECTS…NO HOTEL SPACE IN SFO.”
Glenn Beck is now claiming that the Obama administration concocted the AP and IRS scandals to take the focus of Benghazi. Leaving the bat-shit crazy element out of this, amazing that some conservatives think the only thing Obama can accomplish is a conspiracy.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Maple Leafs jokes, Powerball jokes, Seahawks jokes, Toronto jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 