Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category
September 16, 2013
If only the worst headline in D.C. today was about the the Redskins.
But as another sad shooting story filled front pages and rumors fly, the one thing, as usual, that immediately seemed was a certainty about the shooter or shooters in Washington, D.C. was the term “male.”
(A friend said this “punchline” is stale. Believe me, I’d be glad to retire it. )
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In the SF Bay Area, when we turn to late night local news, it’s often almost a said cliche that there was yet another shooting in Oakland. Have to be thinking, in Canada and England, do they turn on the news and think the same about the USA?
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Okay, back to sports etc….
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Seattle fans say they set a Guinness World Records mark for loudest stadium during last nights Seahawks 49ers game, 131.9 decibels. Is this really a challenge they want to lay down when the new 49ers stadium is opening in perhaps the technology capital of the world?
The Texas Rangers have lost 7 in a row? What’s going on? It’s September, only the Dallas Cowboys are supposed to suck.
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On a warm fuzzy sports note the Red Sox did have a really nice tribute to Mariano Rivera last night. Of course, it was probably warmer and fuzzier because Boston doesn’t think they’ll see him in the postseason.
Just a thought. Are there any middle ground options between Tiger Woods winning the tournament, and Tiger Woods whining about the tournament?
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Suspended Tigers SS Jhonny Peralta, eligible to return Sept. 27, is heading to the instructional league this week. Have to wonder what “instruction” he might share with minor leaguers.
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The the “gentlemen” of Delta Kappa Epilson at LSU thought it was a good idea before the Kent State game last Saturday to put up a banner saying “Getting Massacred Is Nothing New to Kent St.” Well that ought to do wonders for the image of SEC frat boys being Neanderthals.
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#Jaguars fans rallying to push the team to sign #TimTebow. A few more games like last night’s and #49ers fans will be right behind them.
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A few thoughts over last Saturday’s ASU-Wisconsin game . 1. The refs screwed up. 2. Instant replay doesn’t overcome incompetence. 3. If you have a play designed simply to take a knee, EXECUTE it cleanly.
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Just guessing if Stanford ever has a ceremony to celebrate their big 2011 Orange Bowl win, they’re not going to put Richard Sherman and his former coach Jim Harbaugh next to each other.
Jerry Seinfeld will be part of the broadcast crew Tuesday night for the NY Mets and SF Giants game. As if the two teams’ play this year hasn’t been comical enough.
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From Jim Barach: Free Wi-Fi will be available to fans going to the Philadelphia Eagles stadium, Lincoln Financial Field. That will allow them to log their computers into NFL.com and watch all the football games that actually matter.
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From Marc Ragovin: “Interesting results from NYC school kids’ testing. While a vast majority could not do simple arithmetic, 97% correctly figured out when the Mets would be mathematically eliminated from contention.”
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And finally a little bipartisan picture humor for a day when we need it.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, baseball jokes, janice hough jokes, Mets jokes, NFL jokes, Seahawks jokes
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September 14, 2013
A rumor is circulating that Justin Bieber is up for the role of Robin in the next Batman movie. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country? Think the reaction from most liberals and conservatives is – “I’m going to throw up.”
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ESPN says they have obtained a photo of Texas A&M QB Johnny Manziel signing for autograph broker Drew Tieman this January. Gosh if this is authentic and the NCAA had seen it, Manziel might have been suspended for three whole quarters.
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Cal’s football team did lose 52-34 to Ohio State Saturday night. But is it a moral victory that they scored 15 more than the SF Giants did in LA?
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The Fresno State-Colorado football game was cancelled due to flooding. Colorado coach Mike MacIntyre said “There are a lot of issues out there that are a lot bigger than football.” Now there’s a man who will never coach in Texas.
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This week, a Pennsylvania appeals court will hear Jerry Sandusky’s challenge to his child molestation conviction. If he loses, can they change his sentence to be served in the general population?
Quote from Harry S Truman, who may be smiling about Syria today: “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”
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Oregon-Tennessee uniforms are as ugly as the game. The 80s called, they want their color scheme back.
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Oregon 59 – #Tennessee 7. Last time young men from the South were beaten this badly by young men from the North, General Lee was arranging terms of surrender.
.And lastly, from my friend Michael Schilby. If this story isn’t true it should be. Dedicated to all of us who have had TMI moments on public transit:
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
“Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”.
“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.
“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss”.
“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.
“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any more.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bieber jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, janice hough jokes, Johnny Manziel jokes, Oregon jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 11, 2013
As we remember September 11, some think it’s inappropriate to joke on such a solemn anniversary. But I think if we can’t laugh, the terrorists win.
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My friend Keith Ogden, who I agree with on politics about 10% of the time, made a comment that reminded me of one of the greatest things about this country: As much as you may not like how the USA is run, or who is running it, or who wants to run it, you can joke about things all you want, and you don’t get arrested or worse.
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McDonald’s has a new “Blitz Box” meal, which contains 2 Quarter Pounders with cheese, 10 Chicken McNuggets and two medium fries. They market it for “two or more.” Well, for many Americans that’s plausible deniability anyway.
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Forbes.com reports that tickets for the Alabama-Texas A&M game are going for an average of $763 online. Wonder how many of those ticket buyers will spend much of the game criticizing Johnny Manziel for making money from autographs
What could POSSIBLY go wrong here? Disney is re-releasing “The Little Mermaid” on September 13. And encouraging kids to be “part of her world” by bringing their iPads etc. to interact with their “Disney Second Screen Live” app….during the movie.
Some sports reporters are starting not to use the “Redskins” nickname and will simply say “Washington football team.” Fortunately, if week 1 was any indication, there will be no need for this awkward phrasing to continue into the postseason.
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USC coach Lane Kiffin said there was no team meeting after the Trojans’ embarrassing loss to WSU. But WR Marqise Lee confirmed it was a players-only meeting. “Kiffin don’t know,.. Kiffin don’t know nothing about it.” Sounds like Lane knows as much about his team as he does about coaching football.
Some cheerleaders at a Texas public high school who want to display bible verses on banners at football games, have hired a lawyer to fight what a local politician called an effort at “imposing San Francisco liberalism in every community in Texas.” Uh, really? Don’t think most liberals are that worried about banners in football, we’re a little more concerned about imposing things like science in textbooks.
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Tweet from Colts owner Jim Irsay on protecting Andrew Luck: “we gotta protect #12 better..and that includes more than just OL…it’s backs,TE’s,coaches on blitz pick ups..I DEMAND better” Right, because last week they just weren’t trying.
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Following the defeats of Elliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner, comes the news that Mark Sanchez may be out for the year. “Oh, the horror”, said NY comedy writers…
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Ndamukong Suh is appealing his $100,000 fine as excessive. Guess he figures it’s too big a chunk of his annual fine fund?
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Bobby Valentine, talking on the radio today, said his Mets team was “tired” and “wasted” after 9/11, because they had been going to the funerals and firehouse. And stated “”Let it be said that during the time from 9/11 to 9/21, the Yankees were [AWOL], You couldn’t find a Yankee on the streets of New York City. You couldn’t find a Yankee down at Ground Zero, talking to the guys who were working 24/7. Many of them didn’t live here, and so it wasn’t their fault….” Wow, it’s sensitivity and judgment like that that is the reason Valentine is employed in a major league clubhouse today….not.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Alabama jokes, Disney jokes, football jokes, janice hough jokess, Redskins jokes, Texas jokes, USC jokes
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September 10, 2013
SI is reporting that when Les Miles coached at Oklahoma State, players were allegedly paid from $2,000 to $10,000 annually, with a few receiving $25,000 or more. And wonder at how many schools, current players are thinking “cheapskates.”
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Two prison guards have been placed on leave while Ohio investigators look into the suicide of Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro. Instead of having them do nothing could we transfer the two men and have them temporarily guard Jerry Sandusky?
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The NFL fined Ndamukong Suh was fined $100,000 for his hit on John Sullivan Sunday, but they won’t suspend him. Makes sense, with Suh suspended the league’s fine totals would likely be greatly reduced.
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49ers QB Colin Kaepernick apparently has a bet going this week with Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. Quick where’s Roger Goodell with the fines?
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As Anthony Weiner’s car drove away after his concession speech, the candidate flipped the bird at a reporter. Stay classy, Carlos Danger.
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Spitzer and Weiner, both gone. Who knew the voters of New York were less forgiving of moral lapses than those in South Carolina?
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Fox’s Dana Perino is “tired” of atheists trying to remove the phrase “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance. “If these people really don’t like it, they don’t have to live here.” Right, because who in America would argue against the words of the Founding Fathers… Oops, wait, never mind…..
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Anyone but me getting the sense that some in the GOP hope this potential Syria diplomatic solution fails?
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Just wondering, of all the members of Congress who publicly responded to President Obama’s Syria speech, did any of them compose their response after the speech?
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Mitch McConnell gave a speech on the Senate floor today opposing Obama’s potential air strikes, saying “There are just too many unanswered questions about our long-term strategy in Syria.” Shame he didn’t have these scruples with Iraq.
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Gosh, how sorry does Bud Selig feel for the Yankees this year? MLB has them opening in 2014 against the Houston Astros.
Don’t get me wrong, I hope the NY Yankees don’t make the playoffs. But the only silver lining if they do is the thought of Bud Selig sweating over the remote possibility of awarding the World Series MVP to A-Rod.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Ariel Castro jokes, janice hough jokes, New York jokes, NFL jokes, Spitzer jokes, Weiner jokes
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September 8, 2013
Prince Andrew was briefly stopped by Buckingham Palace police who didn’t recognize him on an evening walk through the gardens. Good thing this was England and not the U.S., so the Prince wasn’t accidentally shot.
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A 107-year-old man was killed during a shootout with members of an Arkansas SWAT team last night. Sigh. Once again this is what happens when you have guns without parental responsibility.
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Oracle Team USA has at least avoided a shutout in the America’s Cup by finally winning race 4. This is a tough one for many U.S. sports fans. With the natural inclination to cheer “USA USA” running directly into their natural hatred of Larry Ellison
–115,109 fans watched the Wolverines beat the Fighting Irish last night at Michigan stadium. That’s almost the average attendance of a couple of Tampa Bay Rays’ home stands.
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Texas and USC, who played for the BCS National Championship in 2006, have both fallen out of the AP top 25 poll. Maybe they’re hoping for a rematch, in the Valero Alamo Bowl.
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Wonder if anyone in the Green Bay Packers locker room made the mistake of saying before today’s game, “Well, at least this season we’re opening with refs who know the rule book?”
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From T.C. “Former NFL running back Ricky Williams is an asst coach for a college in San Antonio. Look for this team to run the Weed-Option offence.”
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Mark Sanchez may have a torn labrum in his shoulder, which will not necessarily need surgery. And NY Jets fans are thinking “Rest, take all the time you need, years even…”
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With Sunday night’s NY Giants vs Dallas Cowboys game have to figure 10% of Americans wanted NY, 10% wanted Dallas, and the rest wish they could both lose.
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Meanwhile, back in MLB, what happened to the “invincible” Atlanta Braves and Los Angeles Dodgers? Both losers of four straight….
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Lost in the hubbub over the NFL opening weekend was the Reds 4-3 walkoff win over the Dodgers last night. When Brian Wilson walked the first batter in the 10th, and Cincinnati scored with a stolen base and a single. Ladies and gentlemen in Los Angeles, get your flasks ready.
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NY Yankees win with walkoff walk after another blown save. Maybe even Mariano Rivera wants to be done with A-Rod after the regular season.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: America's Cup jokes, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, NY Jets jokes, Prince Andrew jokes, referee jokes, USC jokes
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September 6, 2013
How do you not love a pitcher who has thrown a perfect game for 8 innings who strikes out the leadoff batter in the 9th with three pitches: 77 mph, 76 mph and 77 mph. And it was a swinging strike three.
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Actually rarer to lose perfect game on 27th batter (12 times) than to throw a perfect game (23 times) #SFGiants #YusmeiroPetit #damnericchavez
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Prefer college football generally to the NFL, except for the post season. If the NFL were the NCAA, the defending champion Baltimore Ravens would have fallen enough in the rankings last night to guarantee they wouldn’t be in the national championship.
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Apparently teams are telling #TimTebow he’s not an NFL quarterback. Well, that never stopped Rex Grossman.
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General Mills is recalling some refrigerated Pillsbury cinnamon rolls because the dough may contain plastic pieces. Surprised they aren’t touting the plastic as adding fiber.
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New Chicago Cubs pitcher, Daniel Bard, claimed off waivers from the Boston Red Sox, says “To have a fresh environment to work in is really exciting.” Not to mention not having to deal with all that playoff pressure.
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Most of the cast of “The Big Chill” assembled in Toronto for a 30th anniversary showing of the movie. The theme song’s changed a bit though. Now,it’s “You not only can’t always get what you want, you can’t always remember what it is you wanted.”
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Downton Abbey is actually shot at Highclere Castle in Hampshire, but apparently increasing numbers of Americans are heading to the small village of Downton, 200 miles away, looking for where they film the show…. Can’t imagine where we get the reputation for being stupid tourists.
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The Columbus (OH) Dispatch had a headline this morning saying that “Elway throws seven touchdown passes.” Hmm, wonder if this means the paper will ascribe arrests of Urban Meyer players this fall to the University of Florida.
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President Obama and Putin had a conversation that Obama said was “constructive” Putin says they still don’t agree, “but we listened to each other. Well, that’s better than between the President and Congress.
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Worst thing about Peyton Manning’s 7 TD performance Thursday night? Means the endless media deification of Ray Lewis from last year will go on for at least another week
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San Jose State will play Stanford for the 67th and perhaps last time in football Saturday night, and the Spartan’s coach made it sound as it was because the Cardinal didn’t want to play “home and home” (Alternate stadiums.) Of course the fact that San Jose State ended up accepting $3 MILLION to travel twice to Auburn instead of playing Stanford has nothing to do with it.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes, Tim Tebow jokes, Yusmeiro Petit
Comments: 1 Comment
September 2, 2013
Diana Nyad completed her swim today from Cuba to Florida. Upon her landing, out of habit five MLB teams offered her a contract.
(my friend Jeff Klein responded, and out of habit, most baseball fans figured she should be tested for PED’s)
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Apparently some Christians are claiming that Tim Tebow was cut from the Patriots for reasons of religious persecution. Really? If someone could have a QB rating near 100, he could sacrifice goats at midfield and he’d have multiple free agent offers.
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The BBC just revealed that a Polish captain ran his cargo ship aground onto islands off the Northumberland coast this March when he planned a course from Scotland to Belgium and forgot about England. (Really). Good thing we are all too PC now for Polish jokes.
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A new study says the average man has grown 4 inches in the last century. Sorry, gentlemen, we’re talking height.
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A Georgia WR is out for the season after injuring himself celebrating a touchdown. Well, this injury at least is not likely to befall the Oakland Raiders.
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A new proposal in Europe is for Intelligent Speed Authority devices that would apply the brakes to any vehicle going above the speed limit. Let’s hope no one tells NY mayor Bloomberg.
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Ray Lewis is now saying that he thinks the blackout during last year’s Super Bowl was a ploy to help the SF 49srs. “not gonna accuse nobody of nothing — because I don’t know facts, But you’re a zillion-dollar company, and your lights go out? No. No way. You cannot tell me somebody wasn’t sitting there and when they say, ‘The Ravens [are] about to blow them out. Man, we better do something.” Hmm, does Ray want people to start excusing his part in that murder due to a head injury.
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A former colleague of David Frost, quoted in the U.K. Telegraph. “He never saw age like the rest of us.” And he told of one late Thatcher interview they prefaced with clips from previous encounters between the two of them over a decade ago. Where the staff was worried that he would feel badly seeing his younger self. And Frost’s only response upon seeing them “Hasn’t she aged?”
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From Bill Littlejohn” Michael Malone, the new coach for the NBA Sacramento Kings, says he once wanted to work for the government as a secret agent. As Kings coach, however, Malone he has a chance to start the season at 00-7.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Diana Nyad jokes, janice hough jokes, Raiders jokes, Tim Tebow jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 30, 2013
Lindsey Vonn, gushing to People Magazine about dating Tiger Woods: “He doesn’t even leave the seat up! It’s awesome.” Wonder when Tiger learned that. Maybe we’re uncovering the real reason Elin went after him with that nine-iron?
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What really happened with the NCAA? Bill Littlejohn said “they met with Johnny Manziel for 6 hours. Would have been 7 but the bars closed at 2am.”
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I’m wondering if the NCAA reduced Johnny Football’s suspension when he agreed to sign a few hundred more items for them.
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Bottles of Extra-Strength Tylenol will soon have a warning written in red letters on their caps: “Contains acetaminophen. Always read the label.” Uh, aren’t you ALWAYS supposed to read labels?
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A South Carolina couple were arrested after being caught having sex in a Home Depot wooden display shed. Wonder if Home Depot is now trying to figure out how they can rent sheds by the hour.
(my friend George R. Mathews says “God knows they looked.around.for hours trying to find someone to help.them….they got bored and had to.DO.something.”)
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Random baseball thought for the day: Josh Hamilton and Albert Pujols together make about half as much as the entire Pittsburgh Pirates payroll. (Hamilton $17 million, Pujols $16 million, the Pirates, $66 million.)
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Katie Holmes’ representative has announced that Suri Cruise broke her arm but “is okay.” Stand by for the announcement of a line of new “designer casts” for children.
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Lindsay Lohan apparently will host her 5th SNL this fall Think they can make a condition of her appearance staying away from the after-party?
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Phil Mickelson shot a 63 while playing with Tiger Woods, who shot a 68, in the opening round of the Deutsche Bank Championship. Pool on how long it will take Tiger to complain about back problems?
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Nancy Pelosi says she doesn’t wish to be Speaker of the House again. The people who are the most upset about this? GOP fundraisers.
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At 146am, when everyone is paying attention, Facebook sent proposed updates to their “Data Use Policy” and “Statement of Rights and Responsibilities.” A long and many-paged document. But they add “as always, we won’t share the private information that you put on Facebook with advertisers without your permission.” Of course what they don’t say – nothing you post is really considered private.
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Lamar Odom was arrested for alleged DUI this morning. Who’d a thunk that Kim Kardashian would be the sister in a more stable seeming relationship?
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Ted Nugent’s wife Shemane has been arrested after a handgun was found in her carry-on luggage at an DFW airport security checkpoint. Birdbrains of a feather…
Ad on KNBR for the SF 49ers 2013 season: “There’s nothing better than the last season at the “Stick.” Nothing? Well, for starters the fact that it IS the last season at Candlestick.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Home depot jokes, janice hough jokes, NCAA jokes, suri cruise jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, tylenol jokes
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August 27, 2013
The 197 year old “Farmer’s Almanac,” which has an amazing record for accuracy, predicts “bitterly cold” subnormal temperatures for Feb 1-3, 2014 in the New York City area. Insert “it will be a cold day in hell when (fill-in-the-blank-team) makes it to the Super Bowl” here.
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Bank of America said they will review working conditions after an intern died after reportedly working until 6a three nights in a row. Many law firms are thinking “What, does B of A think they were too soft on the kid?”
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Many people think that Miley Cryus’s VMA performance yesterday was obscene and not fit for children. Wonder how many fathers today are thinking they need to closely reexamine the evidence?
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Who knew Hannah Montana was a stripper name?
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Barry Zito, who has a double-digit ERA on the road this year, was the starting pitcher Monday night for the SF Giants against the Colorado Rockies at Coors Field. Wonder if Denver air traffic control was alerted for possible round objects ending up in flight paths?
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Wimbledon champion Marion Bartoli, who announced her retirement from tennis Aug 14, now says “It’s pretty hard to say I would never come back.” “Atta girl!” responded Brett Favre.
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Our foreign policy at its finest: A Russian newspaper reported that Edward Snowden was stuck at the Moscow airport only after Cuba, bowing to U.S. pressure, warned Aeroflot that it would not allow his flight from Russia to land in Havana. And U.S. citizens can travel to Russia anytime, whereas Cuban travel (along with rum and cigars) is embargoed.
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An 21 year old has invented a topical sprayable caffeine, which he hopes to bring to market this fall. Ben Yu said that his spray “won’t change the world.” On the other hand, it might save a few marriages, if spouses can keep it handy for mornings when coffee isn’t available.
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Khloe Kardashian is complaining about the stories about her husband, Kim claims she is trying to protect her baby’s privacy. (Except for a picture on mom’s failing talk show.) Here’s a suggestion, folks. Want privacy? Quit making your careers be bleeping reality television.
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Really? A man has come forward 40 years later to claim that Billie Jean King’s $100,000 victory over Bobby Riggs was actually rigged so Riggs could have $100,000 in gambling debts forgiven. Except, a win would have netted him the money to pay off those debts….
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Why revenue-sharing needs a minimum team payroll to go with it: The Houston Astros, with a $13 million payroll, are according to Forbes going to make an estimated $99 million in operating income this season…. (You’d think fans would at least get a break on beer prices.)
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Scoot Airlines, Singapore Airlines’ budget carrier, is now offering passengers the option to pay a $14 surcharge for “ScootinSilence,” five rows in economy where no children. Right, because the sound of a screaming baby can carry no further than five rows…
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bank of America jokes, janice hough jokes, Miley Cryus jokes, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes, Snowden jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 26, 2013
Going to be a tough call for what to do with Syria. But the GOP is certain; whatever President Obama decides will be wrong.
The Buffalo Bills signed Matt Leinart to add QB depth. Giving a whole new NFL fan base the opportunity to be disappointed by an ex-USC quarterback.
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In some ways, Matt Barkley was precocious. A star USC QB who started disappointing fans before he turned pro.
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Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal on “Meet the Press” denounced some in his own party, saying “Let’s not talk about impeachment. Let’s actually talk about the policy we disagree with.” Wow. Is Jindal trying to be so reasonable he gets kicked out of the GOP?
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Taylor Swift was caught on camera mouthing STFU towards ex-boyfriend Harry Styles at the VMA awards Sunday night. Can understand her animosity, but at this rate, Taylor’s going to have a hard time finding someone at these award shows who ISN’T an ex.
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Does Taylor Swift go on Match.com and put as her number one criteria “Must be good songwriting material for after our breakup?
The Mets are out of it, the Yankees are barely in the playoff picture, and Mark Sanchez gets injured in a game where Geno Smith stunk. No pressure now, Eli. And how about those Knicks?
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How embarrassing could Rex Ryan’s decision to put Mark Sanchez in in the fourth quarter of a meaningless preseason game turn out to be?
If it turns out Sanchez is out for a while and Smith is as big of a dud as he looked like Saturday, Ryan may start saying to the media “Enough. Isn’t it time for you to ask me about my foot fetish?”
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The Arizona D’backs beat the Philadelphia Phillies last night in an 18 inning game that lasted 7 hours. 7 hours? Are we sure the Red Sox and Yankees weren’t involved?
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Texas Senator Ted Cruz said today that he is “not convinced” that President Barack Obama himself wouldn’t defund Obamacare if Congress gave him the opportunity to do so. And up in Canada they’re thinking “Thank God he’s not one of ours anymore.”
Well at least ESPN is consistent. Headline from the Barclay’s tournament this weekend “Tiger Woods finishes tied for 2nd.” Gosh, did someone actually win the thing?
A Chicago Cubs batting weight was spotted today in the Pirates’ on deck circle today in San Francisco. Hmm, is that the reason Pittsburgh was shut out by the Giants?
–Serious thought: The minimum age to be charged with a crime in Louisiana is 10, so an 8 year old boy who shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver with her own gun was released to his parents. If we can’t change gun ownership laws, could we at least adopt the British rule of REQUIRING guns to be locked in a safe place – a gun cabinet or a safe? (And yes, British police can inspect to make sure this is done.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ESPN jokes, NY Jets jokes, Rex Ryan jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 24, 2013
Urban Meyer has forbidden anyone – fans, media, NFL scouts -watching Ohio State football practices from wearing blue. Since blue is a Michigan color. Really, I’d have thought Meyer would worry more about people upsetting the team by wearing orange – the color of prison jumpsuits.
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A $1 million winning New York lottery ticket from August 2012, will expire today if not claimed. And many of us are still annoyed at our moms just for accidentally throwing away old baseball cards and comic books.
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Following up on that story of RGIII being fined for wearing an “Operation Patience” t-shirt in practice. Turns out the Redskins QB is a repeat offender; he was fined $10,000 for wearing Adidas clothing to a post-game news conference last December, and warned after the season opener for covering up the Nike swoosh on his warm-up shirt. The horror! How many offenses for a lifetime ban?
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Derek Jeter will rejoin the Yankees on Monday. The team will be thrilled to welcome him back, if for no other reason than a headline that doesn’t involve A-Rod.
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Geno Smith threw three interceptions today, Mark Sanchez might be injured. Well, Tim Tebow may be available.
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–Anthony Weiner was involved in a three carfender-bender this morning in New York. No injuries, and so far no word as to who might have been at fault. Not that we have any reason to suspect Weiner of doing anything risky with his phone.
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Todd Gloria, 35, will be the new acting mayor of San Diego. He is young, attractive, and gay. Could women feel any safer?
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In Slaughter, Louisiana, police said an 8-year-old boy intentionally shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver. The statement read ” Although a motive for the shooting is unknown at this time investigators have learned that the juvenile suspect was playing a video game, ‘Grand Theft Auto IV…” Got it, guns don’t kill people, video games kill people.
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A new study says that on average, single men only wash their bed sheets four times a year. Wonder how many of those single men polled responded “you wash sheets?”
–Perhaps I need a new contact lens prescription? Saturday night I saw a 4 on the board in the #SFGiants column in the first inning.
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The AP reports that a South Brunswick, NJ man, Mario Scarnici, has come forward with one of the three winning tickets sold for the Aug. 7 Powerball drawing, and will net $62 million after taxes. They add “A telephone number for Scarnici could not be located Saturday afternoon.” Ya think?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: janice hough jokes, lottery jokes, NY Jets jokes, RGIII jokes, Tebow jokes, Urban Meyer jokes
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August 22, 2013
Ryan Braun issued a statement acknowledging that he took PED’s in 2011, the year he won the NL MVP. “I’m shocked,” said at this point absolutely nobody.
Re #RyanBraun‘s apology for using steroids. Think I’ll actually believe the first guy who apologizes for using #PEDS BEFORE he gets caught.
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Really? Apparently in regards to an HGH testing agreement, Congress is threatening to get involved because the NFL and the NFL Players Association have gotten so little done. Pot meet kettle. Kettle, pot.
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80 GOP members of Congress urged Boehner to trigger a government shutdown rather than fund the implementation of “Obamacare.” Since they feel this way, I do hope the members are also voluntarily cancelling their own expensive government funded healthcare.
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Some Roman tourists were charged $130 for four coffees with liqueurs at a Venice cafe. Upon hearing the news, Starbucks instructed their lawyers to look into the costs of liquor licenses.
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You can’t make this “stuff” up: On Family Feud the question was “Name a state that ends with the letter “A.” One contestant’s response: “Arkansas.”
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FOX is going to charge $4 million for 30-second Super Bowl ads. Wow. That kind of $$ for a pay-to-play ratio is almost on the level of Simon Cowell’s future child support.
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Not saying the 2013 SF Giants are playing like they’ve checked out, but they’ve just been voted the favorite team of the National Librarians Association.
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#AaronHernandez was expected to be indicted for murder today. Quick, time for the #Patriots to release another #Tebow story.
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This item passed along by Ryan Duca. Apparently when Nationals manager Davey Johnson showed for a Washington radio show. the story came up about Boston Red Sox catcher Mike Napoli’s apparently dating an “adult film actress”/porn star. Johnson’s reply: “Well none of my guys could, ’cause we can’t score.”
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Bradley Manning is now referring to himself as Chelsea, and wants to begin hormone therapy right away in prison. Given the way he feels about the U.S. Government, however, I assume he is looking for private donations to pay for it?
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David Ortiz told a reporter than he disapproved of Ryan Dempster throwing at Alex Rodriguez. I’m sure the fact that Big Papi was named in the Mitchell Report as allegedly testing positive for steroids in 2003 had nothing to do with it….
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From T.C. “Tiger Woods, complaining of a sore neck and back, did not play the back nine of his pro-am Wednesday in New Jersey because he said his mistress, I mean mattress, at the hotel was too soft.”
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And okay, for a serious end to this post, we’ve heard enough about the young black/biracial thugs in Oklahoma. How about these two black women? You go girls.
http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/22/us/georgia-school-shooting-911-reunion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bradley Manning jokes, Congress jokes, hernandez jokes, janice hough jokes, NFL jokes, PED jokes, Ryan Braun jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 20, 2013
Tea Party darling and possible 2016 Presidential candidate Ted Cruz released his birth certificate. He was born in Canada to a U.S. mother and a Cuban father, which most legal scholars say qualifies him as a “natural-born citizen” and thus eligible to run under the Constitution. Fine, except do his fans realize that this means it doesn’t matter if Obama was born in Hawaii, in Kenya or on Mars, because his mother was a U.S. citizen, he is also “natural-born.”
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ESPN is reporting that allegedly Miguel Tejada, who was suspended 105 games for amphetamine use this season, was also implicated in the Biogenesis investigation. So MLB had the choice of suspending him for either case. Guess the league chose the option where their drug testing actually WORKED?
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Understatement of the week? In a USA Today story on Egypt, a reservations agent at the Cairo Four Seasons was quoted “We cannot accept any reservations until next Saturday, because as you know, there are bad circumstances around the hotel.
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After a spate of negative publicity, the NCAA has given a waiver to five-year Marine veteran Steven Rhodes to play football at Middle Tennessee State. Originally Rhodes was ruled illegible because he played in a military recreational league. (Now had he played pro-baseball like Chris Weinke or Russell Wilson, it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place.)
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Dick Van Dyke, 87, barely escaped injury while driving his sports car on Highway 101 near L.A. The Jaguar caught fire and a passing motorist pulled him out of the car before it was engulfed in flames. Glad he’s okay, but 87? Even NFL players are thinking “Dude, ever heard of a car and driver?
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The Obama’s have adopted a second dog, Sunny, the same Portuguese Water Dog breed as Bo due to family allergies. GOP take on the new member of the President’s household? Just another Democrat supported by public funds.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, birther jokes, Bo Obama jokes, Egypt jokes, ESPN jokes, janice hough jokes, Ted Cruz jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 15, 2013
Headline of the day: “Florida issues warning about rare, brain-eating amoeba.” Which means most of the state’s residents should be safe.
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Another headline “Jon Stewart returns to the Daily Show September 3. And somewhere “And absolutely nothing has happened all summer.”: Anthony Weiner.
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–Oprah gave away a car on the Jimmy Kimmel show this week.. Well, it was a cheaper gesture than a handbag.
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The latest twist in the sleazy saga Bob Filner is that the San Diego Mayor even sexually harassed a great-grandmother. This latest alleged victim is represented by…. Gloria Allred. So congrats to all those who had August 15 in the pool. (What took Gloria so long?)
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Meanwhile the latest news out of the mess that has become the America’s Cup is that Larry Ellison’s defending U.S. Champion Oracle team has been accused of cheating by Emirates Team New Zealand. Gosh, who will stop this endless billionaire on billionaire violence.
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2013 Wimbledon champion Marion Bartoli announced her retirement last night. “The first time is the hardest” responded Brett Favre.
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Russian pole vaulting star Yelena Isinbayeva criticized other athletes who painted their fingernails in rainbow colors, and condemned homosexuality in general. Guessing this will not make her popular in the Olympic village with figure skaters.
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Before Thursday’s game against the Seattle Mariners, Rays players were surprised to see manager Joe Maddon with a python in the clubhouse.Guess he wanted to bring in someone who really knows how to run the squeeze play”
Yes, it has been that bad. Hector Sanchez’s 3-run pinch homer was just the Giants’ second HR with 2-plus aboard since June 13.
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Bud Selig, defending A-Rod’s suspension: “I have a job to do, and the job is to protect the integrity of the sport and enforce our program, and that’s what I’m going to do.” (Well, at least when players are dumb enough to use a PED clinic that keeps records.)
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Facebook is now giving me the message “Add your phone number to help secure your account and more.” More what? Robocalls to go with the online ads?
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Love this sign at the store next door: “No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bud Selig jokes, facebook jokes, janice hough jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 14, 2013
Alex Rodriguez’s lawyer, trying to fight MLB’s 211 game suspension, says that his client didn’t commit “multiple violations.” Brings to mind the old joke “we’ve already figured out what kind of woman you are, we’re just arguing price.”‘
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The horror, according to “E-news” Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie almost both ended up on the SAME FLIGHT in first class from Los Angeles to London. When Aniston’s people were informed they changed her flight to the next day. Beyond-first-world problem. Way-beyond-first-world solution.
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Forbes says the Dallas Cowboys, worth $2.3 billion, are America’s most valuable team. Can you imagine how much the Cowboys would be worth if they could actually win?
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Apparently Tom Brady limped off the practice field today with a possible knee injury. Will Patriots fans blame Tim Tebow.
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In California, the Sonoma Valley High School Boosters had a fundraising event threatened with cancellation as they were serving homemade wines (some made by well-known winemakers.) Guess they should have done something less dangerous, like raffle off a gun?
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Kate Gosselin, (from the not-so-dearly-departed Jon & Kate Plus appears with her children on the cover of People Magazine: “We were struggling, then we were doing really well, then it all fell apart, and now we have a so-called normal life.” Right, because all normal families appear on the cover of People Magazine.
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A 73 year-old man who climbed over a barrier at Hawaii Volcanoes National Park and fell 115 feet was rescued after a hiker heard his cries for help. And somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”
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John Oliver on “The Daily Show” tonight said he became a NY Mets fans “because, as a British person, I associate sports with misery.” Responded the Chicago Cubs “who are we, chopped liver?”
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You cannot make this “stuff” up, female version: Sheryl Sandberg, the multimillionaire who advised women to “Lean In” has founded a non-profit to help women get ahead “Lean In” -the foundation is looking for interns. Unpaid interns. Well, this ought to do wonders for Sandberg’s reputation for being completely out of touch with the lives of average women.
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Oops,. In 2010, the Oklahoma Lottery Commission had discontinued their toll-free number to save money, but recent lottery tickets were printed on old paper. And the phone number is now used… by a phone sex line. The mistake will be corrected, the potential excuse could go on for years. (Really honey, I was just trying to win us millions.)
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From T.C. “Irish discount airline Ryanair is under fire for refusing to refund a ticket of a passenger who passed away before her flight. The deceased’s son threatened to put the urn containing his mother’s ashes on the plane and filming and uploading the video to YouTube. Talk about passengers requiring assistance to board.”
This wouldn’t happen in the U.S. They’d probably demand an additional over-sized bag fee for the urn.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Cowboys jokes, facebook jokes, janice hough jokes, Sheryl Sandberg jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 11, 2013
After 3 rounds of the PGA, lots of headlines about Tiger Woods not being able to win another major this week. Amazed I haven’t seen one that says he’s ONLY 13 shots back
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Men are having a hard time with the Oprah in Switzerland story. Who would want a $38,000 handbag anyway? I mean for the cost of a few of those purses you could get a Ferrari.
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The NSA says that they only “touch” 1.6 % of internet data,(and of that 0.025% is selected for review.) The other 98.4% belongs to advertisers.
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All pitchers are equal, some of them are more equal than others: MLB just overturned an official scorer’s call in the Tigers-White Sox game July 25. They decided an RBI double by Chicago’s Tyler Flowers was actually an error. Now, all four runs that inning against Justin Verlander are unearned…
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Johnny Manziel’s lawyer predicts the Heisman Trophy winner won’t miss any playing time in 2013. And if the NCAA investigation means that Texas A & M has to retroactively forfeit their season, well, WGASA. (Certainly not Johnny.)
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Chris Brown’s publicist said the singer has suffered a seizure brought on by “intense fatigue and extreme emotional stress.” “Gosh what a shame” said a handful of men and no women.
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So tired of Fox baseball idiots. (Yes, I mean you, Buck and McCarver.) They were saying how the Orioles should walk Posey to pitch to Pence, even though Posey, while the reigning MVP, has been about 1 for 100 with RISP recently. Fortunately Showalter wasn’t any smarter. And Pence got the game winning hit. Go Giants.
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The NY Yankees are now trying to fine A-Rod about $150,000 for missing a day of his rehab without team permission. This relationship is deteriorating faster than a Hollywood marriage.
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The Mars One project, planned to start in 2022, is looking for 40 people willing to take a one-way trip to the planet in order to colonize it. Reportedly over 10,000 people have applied. Wonder how many of those applications were actually sent in by the person’s significant other or ex?
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The Obama family is vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard this week. The outcry from some in the GOP about such an exclusive destination could only be matched by the same people’s indignation if the President chose somewhere like Disney World or a Florida beachj. Where the security would interrupt the hard-earned vacations of countless average Americans.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Brown jokes, Janice Hough, Oprah purse jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 9, 2013
At least all the A-Rod stories are knocking Anthony Weiner off the front page….
A-Rod has apparently hired the same private-detectives Dominique Strauss-Kahn used when he was accused of rape in 2011. Wonder what the firm’s name is “Sleazebags-R-Us?
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–Meanwhile, while we debate A-Rod and his pals, have to wonder, so how many other PED users are playing tonight? But who were smart enough not to use a sloppy outfit like Biogenesis?
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A pick-six on the fourth play of the first game of the preseason…. Good to know that the the NY Jets’ Mark Sanchez is already in midseason form.
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“Back to school” shopping in July fell short of retailers expectations. But to be fair, have to wonder how many shoppers were waiting for the Christmas sales starting after Labor Day.
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–A California man has turned a $2,000 Brooklyn dumpster into a apartment – complete with a bathroom, bed, kitchen and sun deck. And he still probably doesn’t have the smallest apartment in New York.
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Evan Longoria, unhappy that A-Rod can play and affect the pennant race: “I don’t think it’s fair that we can’t have an arbitrator hear the case sooner. If you get in a bench clearing brawl and a guy punches another guy and is ejected from the game and gets a 10-game suspension, you appeal that and it’s heard in the next 3 weeks. You either get 10 games or 6 games or whatever. I don’t understand why that process can’t happen for this.”
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Jack Clark is now alleging that Albert Pujols has done steroids, and hinted the same for Justin Verlander. Who does Clark think he is, Jose Canseco?
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From T.C. The Bills’ offensive coordinator says they are going to keep giving running back C.J. Spiller the ball until he throws up. Are they aiming to be the “Barfallo Bills?”
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Remember all those supposedly useless “X gets Y mph, X is going Z miles. How much gas does X need?” math problems? A Virgin America flight had to stop to refuel in San Jose on its way to San Francisco tonight. The flight distance between the two airports is about 30 miles. (Shouldn’t passengers at least get a refund on their fuel surcharge?)
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Four Vanderbilt football players, who were dismissed from the team over an alleged sexual assault this June, have each been charged with five counts of aggravated rape and two counts of aggravated sexual battery. Wonder what the young mens’ defense will be? That they were trying to prove Vanderbilt belongs in the SEC?
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Lance Armstrong’s attorneys are arguing in a class-action lawsuit that Armstrong had the right to lie about his career in his autobiographies. If the defense works, A-Rod wants names – of the lawyers and Lance’s ghostwriter.
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Switzerland has apologized to Oprah after a saleswoman at a fancy Zurich boutique refused to show her a $38,000black handbag, saying she “will not be able to afford” it. I hate racism as much as anyone, but some of those salespeople are equally snotty to non-rich looking white people. Cue the Julia Roberts “big mistake” scene in “Pretty Woman…”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Jets jokes, NY Jokes, steroid jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
August 8, 2013
The New York Yankees are playing like a team that doesn’t want this A-Rod circus to continue into the postseason.
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In the SF Bay Area, BART and their unions are reportedly about $100 million apart in their strike talks. In New York they’re thinking “$100 million? That’s barely a Yankees middle reliever.”
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Signed memorabilia from Ohio State QB Braxton Miller and South Carolina DE Jadeveon Clowney have appeared for sale online, but the schools say there was no wrongdoing by the athletes. And if you can’t trust Urban Meyer and Steve Spurrier, who can you trust?
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You just MIGHT have too much money when…A Los Angeles Bar has unveiled a 20 item water, complete with water sommelier on hand. Prices go up to $16 and there are $12 tasting flights. This being Los Angeles wonder how long it will take for someone to ask for a preferred water recommendation for their dog.
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–Mitt Romney, speaking about GOP 2016 Presidential candidates “My guess is that every one of the contenders would be better than whoever the Democrats put up. But there will only be one or perhaps two who actually could win the election in November.” Well, if anyone knows about unelectable….
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Massachusetts Catholic priest, Monsignor Arthur Doyle, 62, was arrested in Lowell on a prostitution charge last weekend. He was caught with the woman, 38, performing oral sex on him in a car. And the archdiocese is going. “Thank God, an adult female.”
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From Marc Ragovin: “A shipping company in Italy has discovered long-lost footage of a pre-Citizen Kane film by Orson Welles called “Too Much Johnson.” Hey, isn’t that Anthony Weiner’s campaign slogan?’
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Timberwolves rookie Shabazz Muhammad was sent home by the team for the rule violation of bringing a female guest into his hotel room. The reason Muhammad was at the hotel? The four-day NBA’s Rookie Transition Program, designed to help young players stay out of trouble…..
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Captain Kangaroo’s Cosmo Allegretti, 86, who created the Dancing Bear, has died. For the younger generation, yes, there were lovable puppets before the Muppets.
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Only missed the #Powerball jackpot by six numbers tonight. And I didn’t even play.
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Okay, who’s the brilliant mind who came up with this on KNBR- an SF Giants ad for the Brewers series at A T & T taunting Milwaukee about their suspended slugger with an asterisk? Must have been promotional pot-kettle giveaway night.
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LSU’s star running back Jeremy Hill was already on probation for a sex-crime involving a 14 year old girl when he was arrested in April for sucker-punching a man at a bar. (And he was seen laughing about it on a video.)
The judge, however, just extended his probation, with a curfew. Then Les Miles let the team vote, and they voted to reinstate him. Good thing the judge’s provision said the curfew would be waived for football night games…
(You have to wonder, if Hill murders someone, will they make him sit out a quarter?)
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Human Rights Watch, reporting on Russian efforts to silence journalists and activists before the Sochi games, says that organizations documenting Olympic preparation abuses “were subject to intrusive government inspections, including at least one organization that had its email accounts examined.” Gosh, if there were only someone in Russia who was willing to take on a government over such actions.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, LSU jokes, NCAA jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 5, 2013
Breaking news. A-Rod is to be suspended. And Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.
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So when will #ARod say he’s going to spend the rest of his life looking for the real PED users?
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The MLB players union expects that A-Rod’s appeal process will not be completed before the end of the season. Well, the way the Yankees are playing, at least this whole circus shouldn’t affect the playoffs.
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As the Biogenesis suspension list emerges….a question comes to mind, so are American-born players cleaner than those from the Dominican Republic? Or just smarter about their drugs?
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A study of the first six months of 2013 by researchers at George Mason University showed that President Obama was the most joked about politician on late night talk shows, figuring in 288 punch lines. Finally, a race Anthony Weiner can win!
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Dutch researchers created the world’s first lab-grown beef burger, cultured from cattle stem cells. Volunteers in a public taste test said it had the texture of meat but was short of flavor. Sounds like they’re already met Taco Bell standards.
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Major League Baseball has doing about as good a job avoiding leaks on these PED suspensions as the players did in keeping their connections with Biogenesis secret in the first place….
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2-3 lanes of the Bay Bridge between SF and Oakland were closed this morning, when a big rig carrying rice and raw fish for sushi caught fire on the bridge. Restaurant goers tonight might want to approach any “seared fish” special with caution.
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Averaging about a home run a week lately, the SF Giants may be taking trying to prove they’re a PED free ballclub a little too far….
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Jeff Bezos of Amazon is buying the Washington Post. So subscription rates may go up but shipping will be free.
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Okay, now really rooting for the Detroit Tigers or Texas Rangers to win it all. Because I would LOVE to see Bud Selig grit his teeth and present Jhonny Peralta or Nelson Cruz with the World Series MVP trophy….
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Slapped with a 211 game suspension, A-Rod is appealing and plans to play tonight. And the game tonight was televised on YES – the Yankees network. Can you say ratings gold? #Therichgetricher
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A woman who is the current Miss Riverton, Utah, in the Miss America pageant was arrested and charged with making and throwing homemade bombs from a car. There goes her chance to win Miss Congeniality.
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A corporate jet ran off the runway and through a fence at the Eden Prairie airport Monday morning. Did the pilot have dreams of working for Asiana?
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Stay classy Sydney Leathers. After filming a hardcore porn sex scene posted online, Anthony Weiner’s sexting partner stated “‘I’m not prostituting myself… It’s important to look at your body in a positive way”
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Rex Ryan is asking NY Jets fans to give Mark Sanchez a break. And fans are going, “sure, an arm, a leg…?”.
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Alex Rodriguez says that the “the last seven months have been a nightmare, probably the worst time of my life.” Well, he has more than 100 million rea$on$ to try to go on….
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The silver lining in the story that Texas A & M QB Johnny Manziel may have signed a contract to be paid for autographs. At least we know there’s presumably a college football player who can read and write.
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Mark McGwire, on PED’sl: “I wish I was never a part of it. If it’s better to have bigger suspensions, then they’re going to have to change it.” Translation, “I’m no longer playing, I’ve got a job, f*ck ’em.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Alex Rodriguez jokes, janice hough jokes, PED jokes, Yankees jokes. Johnny Manziel
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 