Silver-tongued lining?

Posted August 9, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

At least all the A-Rod stories are knocking Anthony Weiner off the front page….

A-Rod has apparently hired the same private-detectives Dominique Strauss-Kahn used when he was accused of rape in 2011. Wonder what the firm’s name is “Sleazebags-R-Us?

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–Meanwhile, while we debate A-Rod and his pals, have to wonder, so how many other PED users are playing tonight? But who were smart enough not to use a sloppy outfit like Biogenesis?

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A pick-six on the fourth play of the first game of the preseason…. Good to know that the the NY Jets’ Mark Sanchez is already in midseason form.

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“Back to school” shopping in July fell short of retailers expectations. But to be fair, have to wonder how many shoppers were waiting for the Christmas sales starting after Labor Day.

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–A California man has turned a $2,000 Brooklyn dumpster into a apartment – complete with a bathroom, bed, kitchen and sun deck. And he still probably doesn’t have the smallest apartment in New York.

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Evan Longoria, unhappy that A-Rod can play and affect the pennant race: “I don’t think it’s fair that we can’t have an arbitrator hear the case sooner.  If you get in a bench clearing brawl and a guy punches another guy and is ejected from the game and gets a 10-game suspension, you appeal that and it’s heard in the next 3 weeks. You either get 10 games or 6 games or whatever. I don’t understand why that process can’t happen for this.”

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Jack Clark is now alleging that Albert Pujols has done steroids, and hinted the same for Justin Verlander. Who does Clark think he is, Jose Canseco?

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From T.C.   The Bills’ offensive coordinator says they are going to keep giving running back C.J. Spiller the ball until he throws up.   Are they aiming to be the “Barfallo Bills?”

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Remember all those supposedly useless “X gets Y mph, X is going Z miles. How much gas does X need?” math problems? A Virgin America flight had to stop to refuel in San Jose on its way to San Francisco tonight. The flight distance between the two airports is about 30 miles. (Shouldn’t passengers at least get a refund on their fuel surcharge?)

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Four Vanderbilt football players, who were dismissed from the team over an alleged sexual assault this June, have each been charged with five counts of aggravated rape and two counts of aggravated sexual battery. Wonder what the young mens’ defense will be? That they were trying to prove Vanderbilt belongs in the SEC?

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Lance Armstrong’s attorneys are arguing in a class-action lawsuit that Armstrong had the right to lie about his career in his autobiographies. If the defense works, A-Rod wants names – of the lawyers and Lance’s ghostwriter.

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Switzerland has apologized to Oprah after a saleswoman at a fancy Zurich boutique refused to show her a $38,000black handbag, saying she “will not be able to afford” it. I hate racism as much as anyone, but some of those salespeople are equally snotty to non-rich looking white people. Cue the Julia Roberts “big mistake” scene in “Pretty Woman…”

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Rainbow warriors?

Posted August 8, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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You know, instead of boycotting the 2014 Sochi Olympics, the entire USA team could just walk in holding hands.

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Today was the first day of the NFL preseason. Completely meaningless games in August. Making the whole country honorary Cubs fans.

 

–Lebron James reported for jury duty this morning but was dismissed. Guess the judge didn’t want to risk turning the jury’s decision into a one-hour TV special.

 

Okay, it’s only preseason, but how lousy did the SF 49ers look tonight on offense? Some fans thought they were watching the SF Giants?

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Dr. Sanjay Gupta comes out in support of medical marijuana: ‘We have been terribly and systematically misled.” If only Thomas Jefferson had grown marijuana along with tobacco. How different our “Bill of Rights” might have been?

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NCAA president Mark Emmert said today that they will stop selling jerseys of college athletes, including those of Johnny Manziel, online: “We’re going to exit that kind of business immediately. I certainly understand how people can see that as hypocritical.” With all due respect Mr. Emmert, even Stevie Wonder could see that as hypocritical.

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August 8 was “World Cat Day.” To which most cats respond “Isn’t EVERY day world cat day?”

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I thought there was a major golf tournament this weekend but all I see in the news is this stuff about Tiger Woods having a bad round.

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Family values alert: A Florida mother and daughter were arrested this week and will both face charges after soliciting “two-for-one” sex deals online. Your move, Arizona.

 

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Anyone need any more proof on the unreliability of online rating services? Tripadvisor just rated New York as America’s fourth-best pizza town. Behind San Diego, Las Vegas and Boston.

 

Bus to hell time. Miami resident Derek Medina allegedly shot his wife to death this morning, and then posted a picture of her body on his Facebook page. Previously Medina’s only claim to fame was as the author of the e-book “How I Saved Someone Else’s Life and Marriage through Communication.”

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From Bill Littlejohn,  “I hear that while at the University of  Florida, Riley Cooper made the Paula Deen’s List-“

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It’s only money

Posted August 8, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

The New York Yankees are playing like a team that doesn’t want this A-Rod circus to continue into the postseason.

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In the SF Bay Area, BART and their unions are reportedly about $100 million apart in their strike talks. In New York they’re thinking “$100 million? That’s barely a Yankees middle reliever.”

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Signed memorabilia from Ohio State QB Braxton Miller and South Carolina DE Jadeveon Clowney have appeared for sale online, but the schools say there was no wrongdoing by the athletes. And if you can’t trust Urban Meyer and Steve Spurrier, who can you trust?

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You just MIGHT have too much money when…A Los Angeles Bar has unveiled a 20 item water, complete with water sommelier on hand. Prices go up to $16 and there are $12 tasting flights. This being Los Angeles wonder how long it will take for someone to ask for a preferred water recommendation for their dog.

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–Mitt Romney, speaking about GOP 2016 Presidential candidates “My guess is that every one of the contenders would be better than whoever the Democrats put up. But there will only be one or perhaps two who actually could win the election in November.” Well, if anyone knows about unelectable….

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Massachusetts Catholic priest, Monsignor Arthur Doyle, 62, was arrested in Lowell on a prostitution charge last weekend. He was caught with the woman, 38, performing oral sex on him in a car. And the archdiocese is going. “Thank God, an adult female.”

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From Marc Ragovin:   “A shipping company in Italy has discovered long-lost footage of a pre-Citizen Kane film by Orson Welles called “Too Much Johnson.” Hey, isn’t that Anthony Weiner’s campaign slogan?’

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Timberwolves rookie Shabazz Muhammad was sent home by the team for the rule violation of bringing a female guest into his hotel room. The reason Muhammad was at the hotel? The four-day NBA’s Rookie Transition Program, designed to help young players stay out of trouble…..

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Captain Kangaroo’s Cosmo Allegretti, 86, who created the Dancing Bear, has died. For the younger generation, yes, there were lovable puppets before the Muppets.

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Only missed the ‪#‎Powerball‬ jackpot by six numbers tonight. And I didn’t even play.

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Okay, who’s the brilliant mind who came up with this on KNBR- an SF Giants ad for the Brewers series at A T & T taunting Milwaukee about their suspended slugger with an asterisk? Must have been promotional pot-kettle giveaway night.

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LSU’s star running back Jeremy Hill was already on probation for a sex-crime involving a 14 year old girl when he was arrested in April for sucker-punching a man at a bar. (And he was seen laughing about it on a video.) 

The judge, however, just extended his probation, with a curfew. Then Les Miles let the team vote, and they voted to reinstate him. Good thing the judge’s provision said the curfew would be waived for football night games…

(You have to wonder, if Hill murders someone, will they make him sit out a quarter?)

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Human Rights Watch, reporting on Russian efforts to silence journalists and activists before the Sochi games, says that organizations documenting Olympic preparation abuses “were subject to intrusive government inspections, including at least one organization that had its email accounts examined.” Gosh, if there were only someone in Russia who was willing to take on a government over such actions.

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Pay to play?

Posted August 7, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Not saying Johnny Manziel is getting a big head. But at this point I half expect to read that he gets pulled over for speeding and tries to charge the officer to sign the ticket.

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Johnny Manziel allegedly received at least $7500 for signing autographs. Looks like the NCAA’s policy on accepting payments is working about as well as MLB’s drug policy.

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Not saying ‪#‎A-Rod‬‘s self-centered act is getting old but even his mirror is telling him he might not be the fairest of them all anymore.

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Bill Clinton said he and Hillary wouldn’t get within 100 miles of the New York mayoral race. Darn. Wishing Bill had said he wouldn’t touch the race with a 10 inch pole.

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Rick Perry in a speech last weekend “There are many states that embrace those conservative values, the approach we’ve taken over the years. I’m in one today – Florida.” Except Perry was speaking in New Orleans. But give the Texas Governor credit, he was close. Sort of .

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The GOP is threatening not to let NBC and CNN televise the next GOP presidential primary debates if they go ahead with miniseries about Hillary Clinton.The networks have to be wondering, how many good reasons will Rick Perry give them?

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ABA conference starts today in San Francisco Is it just coincidence that 8,000 plus lawyers will descend on the city right in the middle of Shark Week?

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You just can’t make this “stuff” up: Scott Hounsell, the former executive director of the GOP in Los Angeles County, has been mocking Anthony Weiner on Twitter. Last Friday he was arrested for allegedly sending sexting a 16-year-old.

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Taco Bell is debuting a new waffle taco. For those who are tired of always starting the day with something healthy like a doughnut.

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Just in case we thought this A-Rod circus didn’t have enough clowns, enter Ozzie Guillen. Who tweeted “its all madonnas fault. every athlete she has been with has gone bad. see canseco, rodman and now rodriguez lol lol lol.”

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Bud Selig had yesterday he was proud of baseball’s Joint Drug Program including “random testing, groundbreaking blood testing for human growth hormone..” Uh, Bud, except with all these suspensions – THE TESTING DIDN’T CATCH ANYONE……

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You know it’s a long night at A T and T park when SF Giants fans are looking forward to the between innings “Kiss Cam” to see some scoring.

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SF Giants scheduled Jewish Heritage night Tuesday night against the Milwaukee Brewers. Possibly to honor the top Jewish MLB player. Oops.

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Really? In response to complaints that they haven’t chosen a minority as “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”, ABC has made the daring move of choosing a hunky blonde ex-soccer player from…. Venezuela?

Comments: 1 Comment

Breaking news?

Posted August 5, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Breaking news. A-Rod is to be suspended. And Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

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So when will ‪#‎ARod‬ say he’s going to spend the rest of his life looking for the real PED users?

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The MLB players union expects that A-Rod’s appeal process will not be completed before the end of the season. Well, the way the Yankees are playing, at least this whole circus shouldn’t affect the playoffs.

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As the Biogenesis suspension list emerges….a question comes to mind, so are American-born players cleaner than those from the Dominican Republic? Or just smarter about their drugs?

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A study of the first six months of 2013 by researchers at George Mason University showed that President Obama was the most joked about politician on late night talk shows, figuring in 288 punch lines. Finally, a race Anthony Weiner can win!

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Dutch researchers created the world’s first lab-grown beef burger, cultured from cattle stem cells. Volunteers in a public taste test said it had the texture of meat but was short of flavor. Sounds like they’re already met Taco Bell standards.

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Major League Baseball has doing about as good a job avoiding leaks on these PED suspensions as the players did in keeping their connections with Biogenesis secret in the first place….

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2-3 lanes of the Bay Bridge between SF and Oakland were closed this morning, when a big rig carrying rice and raw fish for sushi caught fire on the bridge. Restaurant goers tonight might want to approach any “seared fish” special with caution.

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Averaging about a home run a week lately, the SF Giants may be taking trying to prove they’re a PED free ballclub a little too far….

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Jeff Bezos of Amazon is buying the Washington Post. So subscription rates may go up but shipping will be free.

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Okay, now really rooting for the Detroit Tigers or Texas Rangers to win it all. Because I would LOVE to see Bud Selig grit his teeth and present Jhonny Peralta or Nelson Cruz with the World Series MVP trophy….

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Slapped with a 211 game suspension, A-Rod is appealing and plans to play tonight. And the game tonight was televised on YES – the Yankees network. Can you say ratings gold? ‪#‎Therichgetricher‬

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A woman who is the current Miss Riverton, Utah, in the Miss America pageant was arrested and charged with making and throwing homemade bombs from a car. There goes her chance to win Miss Congeniality.

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A corporate jet ran off the runway and through a fence at the Eden Prairie airport Monday morning. Did the pilot have dreams of working for Asiana?

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Stay classy Sydney Leathers. After filming a hardcore porn sex scene posted online, Anthony Weiner’s sexting partner stated “‘I’m not prostituting myself… It’s important to look at your body in a positive way”

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Rex Ryan is asking NY Jets fans to give Mark Sanchez a break. And fans are going, “sure, an arm, a leg…?”.

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Alex Rodriguez says that the “the last seven months have been a nightmare, probably the worst time of my life.” Well, he has more than 100 million rea$on$ to try to go on….

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The silver lining in the story that Texas A & M QB  Johnny Manziel may have signed a contract to be paid for autographs.  At least we know there’s presumably a college football player who can read and write.

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Mark McGwire, on PED’sl: “I wish I was never a part of it. If it’s better to have bigger suspensions, then they’re going to have to change it.” Translation, “I’m no longer playing, I’ve got a job, f*ck ’em.”

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It’s just business.

Posted August 5, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Even if A-Rod is suspended today he is likely to appeal and actually plans to play Monday night. Where is Bob Gibson when you need him? Think this situation could be taken care of with one at-bat.

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Meanwhile, Joe ‪Girardi‬ says he has Alex Rodriguez “penciled” in for Monday’s start. And privately is he thinking “my kingdom for an eraser?”

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My friend Jeff Klein points out that if Nelson Cruz is suspended, the Rangers will probably call up…. Manny Ramirez?! I think I speak for comedy writers everywhere in thinking “Oh please, oh please….”

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Max Ball says  “Maybe Manny can come up and carry the Rangers to a world title and they can do a movie about it called “the Unnatural”

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While we’re doing “Manny” movies – how about “Field of Creams … (and Clears)?”

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Thomas Hurley III, an Connecticut 8th-grader, told a local paper he was cheated because he wrote “Emanciptation” Proclamation and lost $3000 of his winnings. (The winner had $66,600.) Can’t wait to see what happens when the kid doesn’t get into his first choice college.

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August 5, 2013, and the Kansas City Royals are ahead of the New York Yankees in the AL Wild Card race. No, it doesn’t mean much in early August, but I just like writing it.

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More off-field headlines for Johnny Manziel, as now ESPN reports that NCAA is allegedly investigating whether he was paid “a five-figure flat fee” for autographs in January. So congrats to all those who had August 4 in the pool.

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If the regular season ended today, neither the Yankees nor Mets would make the playoffs. And somewhere Bud Selig is saying “Is it too late to add a third or fourth wild card?”

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Already seeing some conservatives complaining that this supposed terror alert is fake and just a way to make the administration look good. And no doubt the complaints will get louder if nothing happens. (Of course, by calling the alert maybe it upset terrorist plans?) Nothing is certain, except that for some EVERYTHING President Obama does is wrong.

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More bull

Posted August 3, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Inspired by the running of the bulls in Spain, promoters plan to bring “The Great Bull Run” to the U.S. where bulls will be unleashed to sprint through fenced-in courses as daredevils try to avoid being trampled. The first will be near Richmond, Virginia, later this month. Shocking. This seemed like a perfect fit for Florida.

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A undercover police officer arrested a Florida woman for illegally selling lobster tails on Craigslist. Good to know the Sunshine State is focusing their law enforcement efforts on the important stuff these days.

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Jerry Rice, complaining about today’s players in the Pro Bowl “You’ve got prima donnas, egocentrics, who act like it’s not an honor,” Plus they’re thinking ‘Why should I go and jeopardize what I’m doing?’ But it should be for the fans.” Here’s an idea, have the game in Detroit, only the winning team gets an all-expenses paid week in Hawaii afterwards.

 

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As the Anthony Weiner circus continues in New York, here’s a suggestion – why doesn’t Weiner move to San Diego and run for mayor there? Might be the only city in America where his “sext but don’t touch” slimeballness might be a mayoral upgrade?

 

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A-Rod, after his first rehab game: “I will say this, there’s more than one party that benefits from me never stepping back on the field. That’s not my teammates and not the Yankee fans.” So it’s not about him…. Rodriguez just cares about the little people who would be deprived of watching him play..

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From my friend Howard Fox: “A-Rod says he’s set to return the Yankees unless he’s ‘struck by lightning’. Someone hand him a kite.”

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Newsweek will be sold to IBT (International Business Times) Media. Shocking? Newsweek was still in business?

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Mark Sanchez was booed today during the New York Jets Green and White Scrimmage. Well, it may be early, but good to see that Jets fans at least are in mid-season form.

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Bad timing award? Lots of “BART, and you’re there” commercials in the San Francisco Bay Area, the weekend before what is likely to be a long strike. Or is this BART management’s way of really getting folks behind them in hopes for a quick settlement?

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How did A-Rod expect to keep his PED use secret, he can’t even keep his negotiations with MLB secret.

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Bus to hell moment from T.C.    ” Hot Tip of the Year: Do not watch the movie Django Unchained before attending a Kenny Chesney cocert.

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The pain, the pain….

Posted August 3, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Illinois legalized medical marijuana. At the signing ceremony,   Gov. Pat Quinn said “This is really an important day…for helping people who are dealing with pain every day, often times very severe pain.” And presumably the new law will help state residents who aren’t Cubs fans too.

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Negotiations continue between A-Rod and MLB about his suspension. This whole mess is dragging on longer than most of Brett Favre’s retirements.

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Aaron Hernandez apparently wrote a letter from jail proclaiming his innocence, and saying he wants to “prove all the haters and down talkers wrong.” Presumably he just forgot to add the part about finding the real killers?

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Riley Cooper has been excused from the Philadelphia Eagles to undergo counseling after his racial slur. Some worry how this will affect the team, but have to figure Chip Kelly at Oregon got very good at dealing with “distractions.

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Greg Oden signed with the Miami Heat. Guess Oden wanted to be somewhere he felt comfortable driving home with his left blinker on.

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The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission saids investigators found “sufficient evidence” that Beamers Private Club in Dallas sold alcohol to Josh Brent when he was already intoxicated person before the fatal crash that killed his teammate. Got it. So the only time they have use for government regulations in Texas is if protecting a football player is involved?

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Who says Congress never does anything? Today the House went on recess but only after voting to repeal Obamacare for the 40TH time. Hey folks, don’t you think if Americans really wanted to repeal Obamacare they’d have voted to “repeal” Obama’s presidency in 2012?

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Kim Kardashian emerged from post-baby seclusion with a taped message wishing her mom “Good Luck” with her new Kris Jenner show. Not that Kim wants publicity or anything but there’s no way to wish your mom good luck without going on television…. Right.

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A 29 year old woman who is an Iraq War veteran and Arizona Cardinals cheerleader was arrested for beating her boyfriend after he got a text from an ex-girlfriend. And maybe Huma Abedin is secretly thinking “Date my husband, please?

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Got it covered?

Posted August 1, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Rolling Stone sales doubled for the issue with the Boston bomber on the the cover. So who are they planning on for their next cover? Ariel Castro, Casey Anthony, Aaron Hernandez?

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Thinking Ariel Castro may not live as long in the regular section of prison as he might have lived on Death Row. And I have no problem with that.

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Castro says he is “not a monster.”  And monsters accused anyone making the comparison of monster defamation.

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As Riley Cooper and the Eagles deal with the fallout from his racist rant, perhaps we should consider a new warning label on alcoholic beverages: “Caution, contents may make you forget that WHEREVER you are, there is always a camera phone.”

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This drawn-out nothing-happening wait for MLB to announce their PED suspensions is getting to be reminiscent of the royal baby watch. But at least the Brits got a cute kid at the end of it all.

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Cory Booker said “absolutely yes, unequivocally” that he has ruled out running for President in 2016. Makes sense based on his age and experience. But for a comedy writer’s dream… an election between two men from New Jersey… ah, what might have been.

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Delta Airlines will start 14 hourly shuttle flights Monday through Friday between SFO and LAX, departing every hour on the hour beginning at 7 a.m.. Which is convenient – when your flight is late, at least you’ll know when the alternatives are scheduled.

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A formerly obese man from Northern Ireland said his motivation for losing almost 250 pounds was getting stuck in a stadium turnstile. Hmm, the SF Giants may suggest a new way to enter A T and T Park for Pablo Sandoval.

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Sources say now that ‪#‎MLB‬ and ‪#‎ARod‬ are “far apart” on a settlement. Is this a ‪#‎PED‬ suspension or a celebrity divorce

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Edward Snowden has obtained asylum in Russia. Wonder if one of his first plans after leaving the airport is to see a Pussy Riot concert?

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Have to love all the people who are taking to Facebook to express their support of Edward Snowden’s exposure of government attacks on our privacy…

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Chiefs offensive coordinator Doug Pederson told The Kansas City Star that he thinks QB Alex Smith is “the best in the league.” With all due respect, Smith wasn’t even the best QB on the 49ers.

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The latest rumors out of New York are that Eliot Spitzer, still married, has a girlfriend. Who does he think he is, Rudy Giuliani?

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The driver of that Spanish train that crashed and killed 79 people admitted he was traveling at twice the speed limit, but says he can’t explain why. What, no one pushed him into the throttle?

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From T.C. “An owner of TGIF restaurants in New Jersey has been busted for substituting cheap booze for premium types. “So what’s the big deal?”, asked makers of American “Lite” beers.”

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From Mark: ( in response to my comment that that Pope would follow his tolerant comment about gay priests with something similar about women the day after hell freezes over.)

That would be a pity because if that comes the day after hell freezes over, hockey fans in Toronto and baseball fans in Chicago won’t hear it because they’d have hangover celebrating championships.

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That’s what friends are for?

Posted August 1, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Interesting statement of understatement from Roger Clemens: “A-Rod was my teammate in New York. I’m glad he was my teammate.. I did things to make him feel comfortable….”

 

Sometimes you have to wonder. Are Alex Rodriguez and Anthony Weiner in the midst of a secret competition to be the most hated man in New York?

 

What if they gave a ‪#‎tradedeadline‬ party and nobody came?

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The Pro Bowl has decided to change the format, so it is no longer AFC vs NFC: In fact conference won’t matter at all. The two top vote-getters will be named captains and get to pick teams, aided by Jerry Rice, Deion Sanders and two NFL.com fantasy football champions. Well that answers one question. “Could the game get any more irrelevant?”

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Mayor Bob Filner has admitted to sexual harassment (and the stories are epic) but now his lawyer is blaming San Diego. Saying that the city should have provided sexual harassment training, and that Filner might never have been sued “had he been properly trained. Even Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner are asking “Have you no shame?”

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The SF Giants’  Javier Lopez, joking about the trade deadline.  “Me for ‪#‎Verlander‬, straight up.” Actually Lopez is having a better year….

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Although this sentence kind of tells you all you need to know about the SF Giants 2013 season: “The last time the Giants won a Zito road start was Game 5 of the NLCS Championship last October in St. Louis.”

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Lindsay Lohan has apparently left rehab looking “happy and healthy.” So I suppose it would be wrong to start a pool on her next “incident?”

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The latest leak is that the MLBPA has been informed of the upcoming baseball suspensions and they will be announced by Friday. Of course this is supposed to be a SECRET investigation. Anyone left with any doubts how players might somehow have learned how to avoid equally secret random drug tests?

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An owner of 8 New Jersey TGI Fridays restaurants agreed to pay a $500,000 fine for serving customers fake premium booze. Of course, have to wonder how much more than $500,000 they made selling the cheap stuff.

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For all those who worried that the ongoing circus involving the NY Jets would fade away when they traded Tim Tebow, no worries: An anonymous veteran told a reporter Geno Smith has outplayed Mark Sanchez in the first week of training camp….

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What’s more shocking, that the Pittsburgh Pirates didn’t make any major trades at the deadline? Or that if they had, it would have been as buyers instead of sellers?

Comments: 2 Comments

A-Rod and a reel. Or a not-so-real?

Posted July 31, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Alex Rodriguez says he would still like to be a “role model.” Would he settle for being a cautionary tale?

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Archaeologists said yesterday they found a new coffin-within-a-coffin in the central England parking lot where the skeleton of King Richard III was discovered. The remains are yet unidentified. Maybe an ancestor of Jimmy Hoffa?

 

Chris Christie criticized Rand Paul for bringing home pork barrel money to Kentucky, whereupon Paul responded that this was “the king of bacon talking about bacon.” President Obama hasn’t had this much fun since the GOP presidential primaries.

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Oscar “Ossie” Schectman, who scored the first basket in NBA history, died today at the age of 94. Wonder if he scored his own first basket in a pickup game against Greg Oden.

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Bad news for SF Giants fans: Brian Wilson is now a LA Dodger. Good news for SF Giants fans: Brian Wilson is now an LA Dodger

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My Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein suggests that Brian Wilson might want to live on Venice Beach now. Not so sure, the man lives to stand out from the crowd – in Venice most of his get-ups would barely warrant a second look.

 

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Eliot Spitzer says he is not supporting Anthony Weiner for Mayor. Well, probably shouldn’t have expected the pot to vote for the kettle.

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U.S. Border agents found marijuana on Justin Bieber’s bus as it crossed from Windsor, Canada into Detroit. Beginning to look like this young man is as smart as he is talented.

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A man survived driving his car off a 40 foot cliff in San Diego. Wonder if his last tweet before the crash was “Damn this road is steeeeeeeeeep.”

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Meanwhile in sadder news.  But still a Darwin award Texas A&M football player Polo Manukainiu was killed with two friends in a car accident where police believe he fell asleep at the wheel. His last tweet “22 hour drive back to Texas on no sleep – oh my.”

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I know these online deals like “Groupon” are becoming a “thing.” But really, would anyone seriously want half-price Botox injected into their face? Kind of like day-old sushi.

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Carlos Hyde, Ohio State’s top RB, was suspended for “at least” three games after a assault charge was dismissed because the alleged victim declined to press charges. The Buckeyes’ star will miss games against Buffalo, San Diego State, and Cal. If Hyde misbehaves again Urban Meyer will slap his other hand REALLY hard.

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Anthony Weiner in a new ad – “Quit isn’t the way we roll.” Really? Even Brett Favre is saying “Give it up already.”

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Checking your baggage?

Posted July 29, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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A United Airlines worker at San Francisco Airport was arrested for allegedly stealing a couple’s luggage and returning some of the clothes inside to Nordstrom for cash. Wonder if United at least refunded the passengers’ baggage fees?

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The Milwaukee Brewers are giving away about $3 million in food and drink vouchers to fans at the ballpark for the rest of the season, basically spending the money they would have paid Ryan Braun. Gosh, if/when A-Rod gets suspended the Yankees could afford to  turn their stadium into an all-inclusive resort

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Pope Francis: “Who am I to judge a gay person of goodwill who seeks the Lord?” Can’t wait to see some in the GOP condemn this crazy liberal statement.

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But gosh, what’s next.  If the Pope indicates he might be accepting of priests who are gays, how long until he comes up with something truly radical, like saying the same about women.  (Yeah, the day after hell freezes over.)

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Must say since the SF Giants don’t appear likely to make the playoffs, it would be fun to see a Rays-Pirates World Series. Especially as it would probably make Fox executives heads’ explode.

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#‎JasonGiambi‬, 42 years and 202 days old, goes yard to game in bottom of 9th to win it for the Indians. Do we call it a walker-off home run?

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MLB says that David Ortiz will not be suspended for destroying two dugout phones with his bat last weekend in Baltimore. Maybe because even in the dugout no one uses land line phones now anyway?
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Pete Rose says that a big part of A-Rod’s problem is that he “lacks self-confidence,” Rose said. I don’t know. Regarding PED’s Rodriguez seems to have had plenty of confidence in his ability to get away with it.
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#‎AnthonyWeiner‬ is now in fourth place in the latest NY mayoral poll. Why? Because there is no fifth place.

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President Obama, congratulating the SF Giants on their 2012 World Championship: “You guys are a second-half team. I expect you to be a second-half team this time around.” And wonder how many of the Giants responded “Back at ya, Mr. President.”

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Many fans are waiting eagerly or anxiously for MLB’s decision on the Biogenesis players. Suspensions which will be less for PED’s than for being stupid enough to get caught.

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A new University of California study found that dangerous staph infections can be spread at the gym. Leading to a whole new category of excuse “I’d love to go work out honey, but I’m concerned about my health.”

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Another train crash in Europe. This time in Switzerland. Guessing that television stations are being VERY careful about reading the names of engineers.

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Comments: 2 Comments

Going to party like it’s 2012?

Posted July 28, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

SF Giants are heading to the White House tomorrow for a celebration of their 2012 World Series win. The team might really connect with President Obama, who also knows what it’s like to have a big win and then a bit of a letdown year.

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Rumors are that MLB will FINALLY announce all the Biogenesis suspensions this week. Maybe they can have the announcement sponsored by Nike “Just Do It, already.”

 

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After this homestand the SF Giants need to add an asterisk when they sell those “game-used” bats.

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But really, the Giants can’t catch any breaks in 2013.  Where are the Houston Astros when you need them.

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In the “misery loves company” department,  if the season ended today, Giants players could watch the playoffs from their couch along with the Yankees, Angels and Phillies – four teams, with a combined payroll of over $671 million.

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USA, USA, USA! The U.S. won the Gold Cup today. “Awesome, said most Americans. “What’s the Gold Cup?”

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Aww story: Hunter Mahan, who was leading the Canadian Open, left abruptly before his Saturday tee time when his wife went into early labor, and made it back to Texas for the birth of his first child, a daughter. Think he’s got the trump card for that parent-teenager “Dad, you never cared about me” argument….

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Texas A & M QB Johnny Manziel was kicked out of a frat party this weekend… in Austin, at A & M’s arch-rival the University of Texas. Forget Manziel’s party behavior, he may be too stupid to be an NFL QB.

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Oakland Raiders receiver Andre Holmes has been suspended four games for violating the NFL’s PED policy. And these days the reaction is “meh, at least he wasn’t arrested.”

 

 

UNC suspended P.J. Hairston, their leading men’s basketball scorer, after his third traffic citation in less than 2 months, this time for allegedly driving 93 MPH. Is this Hairston’s way of trying to join the list of college basketball players who’ve been drafted by the NFL?

 

From T.C.   “News flash from Camden Yards.  The Baltimore Orioles announced today that thanks to David Ortiz, the visitors’ dugout is now wireless.-“

(for the uninitiated, link follows –  http://ftw.usatoday.com/2013/07/david-ortiz-obliterated-a-dugout-phone-with-his-bat/   )

Comments: 1 Comment

Much ado about nothing?

Posted July 28, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Now that the royal baby is born, thousands of British reporters no longer have a good reason to stand around and watch nothing happen. Perhaps they can talk their editors into sending them over to Washington D.C.  to watch Congress.

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The satiric U.K. magazine, “Private Eye,”  dealt with all the frenzy last week with a simple headline “Woman has baby.”

 

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Saturday the Oakland A’s had “Turn Back the Clock Day”, and honored their 1969 team’s jerseys. The SF Giants apparently also decided to turn back the clock, and honored their 1985 team’s 100 loss season.

(And for any Dodgers’ fans reading this blog.  Or readers who have Dodger fan friends,  please adjust punchline to 1992.    When Los Angeles lost 99 games….

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#‎SFGiants‬ fans are lamenting what looks like lost year. Same pain but on a SLIGHTLY smaller scale than ‪#‎Cubs‬ fans and their lost century.

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A Hawaii man is suing Delta for allegedly making him crawl down the aisle of its planes and across the tarmac to reach his wheelchair on a 2012 trip, because a flight attendant told him “they couldn’t get him off the plane” otherwise. Just guessing if he had stayed in his seat they’d have figured out a way.

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As Yankees GM Brian Cashman says that A-Rod should “Go ahead and file a grievance” with the union if he thinks the Yankees are preventing him from playing, manager Joe Girardi says that he doesn’t expect Rodriguez to be a distraction when he does return to the team. Translation, Girardi doesn’t think A-Rod WILL be back with the Yankees.

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No new revelations about Anthony Weiner today.   Of course it IS the weekend.

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The West beat the East 102 to 98 in today’s WNBA All-Star game. And if you bet on the game you don’t have to ask – you DO have a gambling problem.

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Ryan Braun becomes the first of what might be many PED suspensions this week, and there are seven shutouts in MLB Saturday, including four 1-0 games. Am sure it’s only coincidence.

Comments: 3 Comments

Shuffling Jack Flash.

Posted July 27, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Sir Mick Jagger turned  70 on Friday.  Now he probably Can Always Get What he Wants… if he can remember what it is that he wanted..

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Mick Jagger, at 70, just completed another U.S.tour with the Rolling Stones. I think we can all be glad the band has kept relevant and profitable. Would hate to see them reduced to licensing “Start Me Up” for a Viagra commercial.

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Newly released home surveillance photos show Aaron Hernandez holding what appears to be a gun shortly after his friend was shot. The most shocking thing is not that the former Patriots TE might be a murderer, but that as stupid as he is, he hasn’t been arrested before.

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FedEx is firing an employee caught on camera throwing delivery boxes into her truck in Manhattan. Wonder what the woman’s defense was – that she always wanted to work for the airlines?

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A woman was asked to leave from Milwaukee’s Miller Park because she had modified the B and the N on the back of her Ryan Braun t-shirt to an F and a D.  Thinking if this gal has a contact who can mass produce them she’s got a serious money making opportunity.

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The University of Florida has given coach Will Muschamp a $250,000 raise, bringing his salary to $2.928 million a year. The real shocker… that makes him the SEVENTH highest-paid football coach in the SEC.

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Apparently Antony Weiner is still getting donations to stay in the NY mayoral race from people who are supporters of his wife, Huma. These donations, however, probably pale in comparison to those from comedy writers.

Be careful what you wish for. As the New England Patriots open training camp you figure Bill Belichick had to have thought at some point during the offseason “Please don’t have all the media questions be about Tim Tebow?”

ESPN headline “Lebron James passes Kobe Bryant as most popular.” This might be the only time that “Kobe Bryant” and “passes” appear in the same sentence.

News flash from England. Little Prince George is still born. ‪#‎RoyalBaby‬

A new study of over 200,000 subjects indicated that those who drink 2-4 cups of coffee a day are 50% less likely to commit suicide. And those who drink it in the morning are probably at least 50% less likely to murder their spouses or coworkers.

#‎SFGiants‬ doing it all lately. Not throwing the ball, not hitting the ball, not catching the ball….

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From Bill Littlejohn:   “To please his new wife, Michael Jordan allegedy wants to have his vasectomy reversed. He reportedly told the doctor, ‘Just Un-Do It’.

Comments: 2 Comments

Weiner, weiner, weiner…

Posted July 25, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

If someone were to write a porn novel, wouldn’t it make sense to have a man with the last name Weiner having an online affair with a woman with the last name Leathers?

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Not sure if Anthony Weiner is going to stay in the New York mayoral race..  (Insert pull out joke here.)  But, hey,  he must be raking in the donations from a bipartisan group of comedy writers.-

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Prince Harry says that he views his role as an uncle to George to see that little Prince “has a good upbringing, and keep him out of harm’s way and to make sure he has fun.” Uh, guessing Kate will be nixing the strip billiards lessons.

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Alex Rodriguez and the NY Yankees:  Anyone else guessing this marriage cannot be saved?
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Sydney Leather, 22, one of the most recent sexting partners of Anthony Weiner, 48, said that Weiner broke her heart, as she really believed he loved her. “Girlfriend, you need a reality check,” said even Monica Lewinsky.

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Virginia Johnson, of “Masters and Johnson” (google it, kids) has passed away at the age of 88. Let’s hope it wasn’t reading about Anthony Weiner that killed her.

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Halliburton will plead guilty to destroying evidence in the Deepwater Horizon disaster. They agreed to pay the maximum fines available, 3 years probation and to cooperate with the ongoing investigation. Kind of makes you wonder what they destroyed that was worth this.

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The U.S. has apparently fallen to 9th place in the world in internet speed. Which would be more embarrassing if most Americans had the time to download the article.

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Okay, who’s going to be first with the Anthony Weiner/Secret Agent Man music video? “There’s a man who leads a life of Danger.
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger. With every move he makes another chance he takes….

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Bus to hell time:  You think Spanish television stations are getting an extra tutorial on not blindly accepting the names of train engineers?

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More on the bus to hell from TC  “OJ Simpson is asking The Nevada Parole Board for leniency on his conviction. He claims that he’s been a model prisoner and has even reached out to other troubled football players. Simpson said he even sent a copy of “Getting Away with Murder for Dummies” to Hernandez for Christmas.”

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What’s in a name?

Posted July 24, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

British trivia for the day: Nice of Kate and William to name their son after his great-grandfather, George VI. Except that King George VI’s real name was Albert Frederick Arthur George. (Really.)

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Stay classy Anthony Weiner, His explanation for the latest texts: “It was a terrible mistake that I unfortunately returned to during a rough time in our marriage.” So it’s his WIFE’s fault….

 

George Alexander Louis. What, they couldn’t think of a third middle name? ‪#‎RoyalBabyNames‬

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A thought on the recent Weiner and Geraldo debacle. Anyone else miss the good old days when drunk or stupid dialing just embarrassed you to one other person?

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It could be worse, SF Giants fans. The team could have signed Albert Pujols to a $250 million contract.

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A new study found that over 200,000 children were injured by falling television sets over the last 20 years. If only those children had been armed.

 

Newest bumper sticker in New York? “Honk if you’ve seen Anthony’s Weiner?” ‪#‎Anthonyweiner‬

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New Southwest‬ cocktail in New York? Just one and you may land flat on your nose.

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Carlos Danger, Anthony Weiner…. didn’t those two headline a Chippendales show a decade or so ago?

 

One thing no one is talking about with the Ryan Braun case: so much for the idea you can always tell a PED user because he will be incredibly large with a big head.

 

ESPN headline “Sources: A-Rod thinks Yankees against him.” Yo, A-Rod, it’s not just the Yankees.

 

Bud Selig says now that he is proud of Major League Baseball’s drug program. It’s amazing the man doesn’t have ruptured discs from all the patting he does of his own back.

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How bad is it getting for Anthony Weiner. If this keeps up Oscar Mayer is going to sue him for product defamation.

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In North Carolina, it will soon become legal to bring guns into bars, and to leave them in cars on college campuses. Well, that should at least cut down on college football players in the state being arrested.

Comments: 5 Comments

Shirley, you can’t be serious.

Posted July 23, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

For any fans of the movie “Airplane”, Ryan Braun has now certainly done his part to keep that pamphlet thin. (In one scene a woman asks for light reading, and the flight attendant responds “How about this leaflet, “Famous Jewish Sports Legends?”)

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Matt Kemp, the runner-up for NL MVP in 2011, thinks Ryan Braun should be stripped of the award. Meaning either that Kemp is clean, or if he IS taking something, he thinks he’s smarter than Braun.

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Remember the days when A-Rod was going to be the “clean” guy who broke Bonds’ home run record? ‪#‎Seligfail‬

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Much hand wringing over the PED situation in baseball, especially by those who feel that artificial enhancement sets a bad example for children. Why, some parents are deciding to avoid games for a while and instead take the children to see movies featuring their favorite Hollywood stars.

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Taco Bell said they are discontinuing kid’s meals. What a bummer for all those parents driving around with children in the car at 2am because they couldn’t get a babysitter.

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Willie Mays – 660 home runs. A-Rod – 647 home runs. Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten a few years ago that Mays would have kept his lifetime lead over Rodriguez?

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Eliot Spitzer’s first TV ad in his run for NY comptroller “Look – I failed. Big time.” Will his second ad be “But at least I’m not as big a flaming a**hole as Anthony Weiner?

 

Two from my friend Marc Ragovin:  “Now I know the Anthony Weiner scandal is serious:  Bud Selig just suspended him for the remainder of the campaign season.”   And   “More incidents of raunchy sexting by Anthony Weiner have surfaced.  Some pols are great at making a campaign a public forum.  Weiner is great at making it the Penthouse Forum.”

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From my friend Abbe Nelson “These grown men with their “Smart” phones do some really dumb shit with them.”

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The Florida state attorney’s office has dismissed charges against Gator LB linebacker Antonio Morrison, who was arrested last weekend after allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. Let me guess, the state attorney is not a FSU grad.

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A report is that Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian “want to quit” reality television. Promise?

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Iowa Rep. Steve King, who famously said last year that he never heard of anyone getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest, today proved that he’s not just anti-woman. Speaking against the Dream Act “For everyone who’s a valedictorian there’s another 100 out there that weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert. Those people would be legalized with the same act.”

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Despite a media frenzy, Kate and William managed to keep their baby’s birth a secret from the world for five hours. Not sure if they want a career change but whoever orchestrated that should be able to get big bucks from British or U.S. Intelligence.

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For all those reporters in London who thought they would be off baby watch… One of today’s breaking news items.. “A woman, possibly Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge’s stylist, flashed a pass that read “Palace Household” and was let inside.” Soon followed by “the car seat is in.”

Prince William today said “they’re still working on a name.” Uh, you and Kate had nine months and you only needed two choices…. ‪#‎Royalbaby‬

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Good Prince What’s His Name….

Posted July 22, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Congrats to Kate and William.   The heir down, the spare to go.

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The newly born prince may not be named for several days. Which means that he might be nameless longer than the lifespan of some celebrity marriages.

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From Simon McCoy of the BBC Monday morning outside St. Mary’s.hospital: “Well, plenty more to come from here of course. None of it news because that will come from Buckingham Palace. But that won’t stop us.”

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More from the great Simon  “Never have so many people been gathered in one place with nothing to say.”

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And here Parliament went to the trouble of changing that primogeniture rule for nothing.

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Headline that must have been written by a man. “After long labor, Kate and William welcome 8-lb., 6-oz. baby boy.” LONG? 10 hours? Many women are just snickering.

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Another nice thing about the ‪#‎royalbaby‬. I think we can all relax knowing he won’t be named Apple, Blanket or North.

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From Gary Bachman:  “The royal baby will be third in line to the throne–just like lunch hour at Taco Bell.”

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How happy is Major League Baseball today that Buster Posey finished well in front of Ryan Braun for the 2012 NL MVP?

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February 24, 2012. Ryan Braun “Today is for everybody who has ever been wrongly accused.” So what was July 22, 2013, for…?

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So, who’s next after Braun? A-Rod? And then who? Yep, as Bud Selig says, “this sport has never been cleaner.”

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What’s next for Ryan Braun himself? Training for the Tour de France?

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65 games for Ryan Braun, who knows how many for A-Rod? Wonder how many youngsters across America are learning from these suspensions, and turning from baseball to football.  (Where repeat offenders get the same stringent four  game suspension.)

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On the other hand, Ryan Braun has a $145.5 million contract with the Brewers through 2020. Milwaukee is 19 games out of first with 65 games left in the 2013 season, and he will lose $3.5 million for his plea-bargained suspension. Considering the overall numbers involved, sounds like a reasonable price for a vacation.

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Denver Broncos star linebacker Von Miller will apparently be suspended for four games for some NFL drug infraction. Good thing he didn’t do something really bad, like wear the wrong color socks.

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Ohio State has suspended top RB Carlos Hyde, after the Columbus Dispatch reported he was named “a person of interest in the investigation of an assault against a woman at a downtown Columbus bar.” The Buckeyes’ starting CB Bradley Roby apparently was also arrested in a separate incident. None of this, of course, is coach Urban Meyer’s fault.

(First a trail of arrested players at Florida, now at Ohio State, even Bud Selig is thinking that maybe Urban Meyer is in denial.)

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Comments: 10 Comments

Lefty!

Posted July 22, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

For non-golf fans, a 66 on the last day of the British Open is pretty close to a no-hitter in baseball: Well played Lefty, VERY well played.

 

And even cooler, the U.K. Telegraph notes how he spent much of the time waiting for others to finish signing autographs for fans.  Yes, we never know about athletes’ private lives – see Tiger Woods. But Mickelson is warm and friendly in public.  And while he may not get the most media attention, he is almost certainly the most popular golfer on tour.)

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No royal baby yet. But hey, even Kate and William wouldn’t have wanted to compete for headlines in Britain with Phil Mickelson.

 

ESPN, sitting on some amazing British Open highlights, had to wait until 1a for the Yankees-Red Sox game to be over on the East Coast. Good game but the network was thinking it would have been a good night for a 2 hour NL pitchers’ duel.

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Florida Gators LB Antonio Morrison was suspended from the team after his 2nd arrest in five weeks, this time for allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. But this, from ESPN, is the part you can’t make up “according to a police report Morrison’s defense was the dog barked first.”

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Then there’s West Virginia DL Korey Harris who was arrested Friday for first-degree armed robbery.  Allegedly he and two others broken into a home and robbed two people at gunpoint.  Harris was arrested because one of the victims saw the player’s uniform number 96 on his official Mountaineers-issued sweatpants and gave the information to police.

Korey Harris has been dismissed from the team. No word if he got to keep his sweatpants.

(And wonder if he’ll get some interest from the SEC.)

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John McCain said the Rolling Stone magazine cover with the Boston bomber was “stupid.” Wow. McCain knows what Rolling Stone magazine is?

 

 

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Have heard the SF Giants are not bringing Gary Brown up because he can’t hit right-handed pitching. And compared to the rest of the team their point is?

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A strained thigh may keep A-Rod from rejoining the Yankees Monday as scheduled. And millions of baseball fans are thinking “promise?”

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Expos fans flooded the stands in the game between the Blue Jays and Rays to make their case for bringing a team back to Montreal–but in deference to Steven Strasburg, the effort shut down in the seventh inning”

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