Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category
February 9, 2012
Sign held by an Asian man at Verizon Center where the Jeremy Lin led Knicks beat the Washington Wizards – “Who says we can’t drive?”
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Unclear on the concept: Jeremy Lin’s former Palo Alto High coach Peter Diepenbrock “In the last 24 hours, I’ve taken calls from more than 12 different sportswriters in New York alone, I didn’t even know New York had that many sportswriters.” Uh, coach, New York has expotentially more sportswriters than 12 just covering the Yankees.
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Madonna is going to be performing at HP Pavilion, aka the “Shark Tank.” Unlike the San Jose Sharks, however, Madonna has actually made it to a championship game.
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Mitt Romney said today he’s going to be more aggressive in campaigning against Rick Santorum. Translation, “those Super PACS that I know absolutely nothing about and don’t communicate with are going to get a lot more nasty.”
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Enlightened male award of the day to Brandon Jacobs of the Super Bowl Champion NY Giants, for his comments about Giselle Bundchen. “She just needs to continue to be cute and shut up.” As if men listen to anything super models say anyway.
(Update, tonight Jacobs apologized for his words. Which means he probably heard from a higher authority -his wife.)
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Okay, now that Super Bowl betting is over, who’d have wagered that there would be a political controversy over a Clint Eastwood ad? And that Clint would be accused of trying to support a Democratic president?
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But really, Clint Eastwood makes an ad that can be seen as pro-Obama? Right. Next you’ll be telling me that Bill O’Reilly is supporting Ellen Degeneres.
Actually if Eastwood gets mad enough at all these Republican attacks, maybe he WILL make an ad supporting Obama.
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The Minnesota Twins are auctioning off a baseball signed before a game last July by Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. No guesses as to the estimated price but expect buyer’s remorse 72 days later.
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Sean Hannity said that if President Obama had his way, Bin Laden would still be alive. and he thinks “that can be proved as well on tape.” Assume that tape is in the same place as Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate?
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Apparently there are plans afoot to televise Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’s divorce proceedings. Well, those proceedings could last longer than the marriage.
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Alan Silverleib of CNN wrote a post titled “Conservatives still resist Romney.” Which basically says they doubt his authenticity. As a moderate liberal, can I add “‘Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country?”
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Memphis has announced they will become the newest Big East member. Well, they are east of new members San Diego State, Boise State, Houston and SMU. (Although the city IS west of, for example, Chicago.)
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U Conn’s mens basketball, facing sanctions for poor academic performance, is suggesting that the Huskies reduce the # of games they play next year if the NCAA will waive their punishment of being banned from 2013’s March Madness tournament. Can’t imagine how the school gets the reputation of thinking the rules don’t apply to them.
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With Proposition 8 being at least temporarily overturned in California, one argument that comes up during the gay marriage debate is that legalizing it will lead to people marrying their pets. Which isn’t going to happen. On the other hand, doesn’t mean that some pets aren’t better in relationships than some humans.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clint Eastwood jokes, Janice Hough, Jeremy Lin jokes, Kardashian jokes, Knicks jokes, Madonna Super Bowl jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
February 8, 2012
The House just overwhelmingly passed a bill banning welfare recipients from spending federal aid in strip clubs. No problem there. It would probably be unconstitutional, but shame they can’t also pass a bill banning those in Congress from using their taxpayer funded stipends in strip clubs.
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Can’t wait to see what Tom Brady says about the other women if Giselle Bundchen ever plays in the Lingerie Bowl.
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Jeremy Lin, the New York Knicks’ unlikely new star, is a devout Christian. Hmm, does this mean God was looking for something to do during Tebow’s offseason?
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On American Idol tomorrow, one of the singers who made it to Hollywood is Brittany Kerr, a cheerleader/dancer for Charlotte Bobcats. If she makes it to the finals we may see a new phenomenon, men asking their wives and girlfriends when Idol is on.
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Newly minted Catholic Newt Gingrich is condemning the Obama administration’s decision to require religious hospitals and schools to offer birth control as part of their healthcare plans. Longtime Newt watchers just yawn and wonder what his next wife’s religion will say on the subject.
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A pilot with Lion Air, Indonesia’s largest domestic airline, reportedly tested positive for crystal meth within hours before his scheduled flight. This was the second crystal meth arrest for the airline this year. So maybe passengers haven’t been imagining that their planes take off, fly, and land REALLY REALLY fast.
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Rick Santorum has won tonight in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado. This is great news, for President Obama.
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Rocket scientist of the day award? To the Denver Bronco’s Knowshon Moreno was arrested and charged with DUI, for driving 70mph in a construction zone with a license plate reading “SAUCED.”
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Santorum wins Colorado! Reaction from moderate conservatives to the state – “Are you Rocky Mountain High?”
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Today in Boston, someone dumped hundreds of Butterfinger candy bars in Boston’s Copley Square on Tuesday with a note: “Thank you Wes Welker.” Haven’t heard anyone pulling stunts joking about Brady throwing that ball to midfield from the end zone. But without that safety a field goal at the end wins the game.
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Happy to see California Prop 8 declared unconstitutional. But if we really want to get more conservatives over to the side of gay marriage, need a campaign that says right now gay couples who are domestic partners pay lower tax rates than married couples.
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Ricky Williams is retiring from the NFL. It could be high time.
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Prosecutors are asking that Jerry Sandusky stay indoors as part of his house arrest. Apparently parents have complained that he can be seen outside and watching children in a schoolyard from the back porch of his home. I’m wondering why they granted this scumbag bail at all.
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Karen Handel, the alleged driving force behind Komen’s decision to cut off funding for Planned Parenthood, resigned today. But in a statement said this was a board supported position and a discussion that started before she arrived. In other words, the company wanted me to steer towards those rocks.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Idol jokes, Brady jokes, Komen jokes, Patriot jokes, santorum jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 7, 2012
Chrysler’s “Halftime in America” Super Bowl ad is being talked about as a potential boost for President Obama. Republicans are just trying to figure out how to discredit that liberal icon Clint Eastwood.
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“Extra” TV host Maria Menounos, a New England fan, paid off on a bet by wearing a New York Giants bikini in Times Square because the Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. I think I can speak for all Americans in saying I’m glad Bill Bilicheck didn’t make that same bet.
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Why super models don’t play on teams: Tom Brady’s wife overheard screaming at hecklers after the Super Bowl – “My husband cannot [expletive] throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”
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Wonder if Giselle Bundchen blamed Kate Winslet for the bad acting reviews in ‘Titanic.”
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Just my opinion, but guessing when Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen’s son starts playing Pop Warner or Little League, Giselle won’t be chosen as team mom.
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This just in. Tom Brady criticizes some Giselle’s make-up artist for not making her look better.
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All this commotion over M.I.A’s middle finger gesture. Right, as opposed to wholesome regular prime-time television like Family Guy and the Bachelor.
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Anyone else see the Super Bowl trailer for “The Dictator,” and think that Sasha Baron Cohen owes the Giants’ Brian Wilson royalties?
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A Georgia man sustained non life-threatening injuries after he accidentally shot himself in the leg at a Savannah gun show. (With a pistol he had just bought the day before) Wonder if he was wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey.
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The Knicks won tonight with Harvard grad Jeremy Lin, Stanford grad Landry Fields, and Marquette grad Steve Novak. They may not make the playoffs but New York should be unbeatable at “Words with Friends.”
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Mitt Romney today said that he agreed with the Susan G. Komen’s decision to cut Planned Parenthood funding. That probable gender gap in November just turned into the Grand Canyon.
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Hard to believe, but Tim Lincecum said he lost 22 pounds over the winter. SF Giants fans are hoping Pablo Sandoval didn’t find them.
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Mimi Alford, 69, has written a book about her previously unknown relationship with JFK. Just wondering how much the world would be different if we had Twitter and camera phones in the 60s. Heck, even during Clinton’s presidency.
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Rick Santorum told a gay man that he doesn’t deserve the ‘privilege’ of marriage because same sex relationships don’t “benefit society.”
Uh, one of my more generally conservative friends, a wine merchant, would beg to differ. As he says, “Gay couples buy the most expensive champagne.”
All for that matter, no birth control or abortion issues.
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Hard to believe sometimes that an ob/gyn like Ron Paul can be so clueless about women. Especially when he comes up with terms like “Honest Rape.” Talk about a useless oxymoron.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Giselle Bundchen jokes, Romney jokes, Super Bowl Jokes, super model jokes, Tom Brady jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
February 6, 2012
Super Bowl XLVI is history. So what time this week does the pre-game show for Super Bowl XLVII start?
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Okay, so this year’s Super Bowl commercials may not have been that memorable. On the brighter side for viewers, especially in Florida and South Carolina, none of them were made by political super PACS.
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New England WR Wes Welker dropped a pass late in the fourth quarter that resulted in New York getting the ball back with time to drive for the winning touchdown. NBC commentator Cris Collinsworth commented that Welker makes that catch “100 times out of 100.” Uh, make that 99.
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Not a NY Giants or NE Patriots fan, but at least they didn’t get to the championship with a payroll two to four times that of most of the rest of the league. (Yes, Yankees and Red Sox fans, I’m talking to you.)
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Who says football players don’t need math? For New England being able to count to 12 would have been helpful.
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A GOP friend posted that President Obama called the NY Giants and told them to share the trophy with other 31 teams. Right, and Mitt Romney called the Patriots and told them how to deduct the loss as a write-off.
(My friend Jeff Klein says “Newt Gingrich told both teams he could build them a training facility on the moon.”
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Open note to the younger generation: Madonna was the first Lady Gaga.
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Congratulations to those who bet the first score in the Super Bowl would be a safety. Both of them.
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Today’s Giants-Patriots Super Bowl game is a Jets fan’s worst nightmare. Well, except for the sight of Joe Namath weaving towards a pretty sideline reporter.
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Confused. Madonna sang “Like a Prayer.”. But where was Tim Tebow.
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NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell is now saying that eliminating the Pro Bowl is a possibility. “That would be terrible,” said absolutely nobody.
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Only 366 days until Super Bowl 47, Feb 3, 2013 in New Orleans. How much do we think Drew Brees and company will be motivated to make it a home game?
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There’s an explanation for the latest controversy over Peyton Manning. Apparently he HAS been cleared to play professional football. But based on the 2011 season, that leaves out playing for the Colts.
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Seattle officials are working on plans to build a new arena ,and according to media reports are looking into acquiring the Sacramento Kings. Some are even more ambitious, and hope they can land an actual professional team.
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Categories: sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Madonna jokes, Madonna Super Bowl jokes, NY Giants jokes, Patriots jokes, Super Bowl humor, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
February 5, 2012
You must have all your Super Bowl shopping done.
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Based on the crowds in Safeway, today is clearly the junk food shopping equivalent of the day before Thanksgiving.
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Fidel Castro has released a 1,000 page memoir, saying “I have to take advantage now, because memories fade. I am willing to do everything possible to share everything I remember well.” In related news, John McCain has released a memoir pamphlet.
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Police used a stun gun on a North Carolina woman who cut the line at a McDonald’s drive-thru and refused to move. A stun gun, really? Isn’t that a bit of overkill. Now, if she had blocked a morning line at Starbucks…..
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How the .1 percenters stay that way. Meg Whitman, when she took over as CEO of Hewlett Packard, took a $1 salary. But she got stock options that brought her compensation to $16.5 million. (No doubt much of that will be considered capital gains at a 15% tax rate)
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Scary thought if it hasn’t happened already. How long until kids grow up thinking Roman numerals are just another NFL creation for Super Bowl week?
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On Saturday afternoon, the NY Giants “accidentally” posted on their website that the team was Super Bowl champions. What hubris. Wonder if the errant employee involved used to work for the Yankees?
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As if we needed more proof that the 1% is not actually suffering any recession symptoms, USA Today reports that even though the SF 49ers haven’t broken ground in Santa Clara yet, the team reports having already sold $138 million in luxury suites.
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If President Obama dropped in to listen to Mitt Romney’s victory speech in Nevada, he would at least double the black turnout.
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According to CNN, in the veterinarians classified 53% of adult dogs in the U.S. and 55% of cats as overweight or obese. Well that’s still probably a lower percentage than their owners.
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Poor Mitt Romney, he’s starting to remind folks of C. Montgomery Burns, without Smithers.
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Newt Gingrich is fighting allegations that he is being petty and childish. So he refers to Romney’s comment about not caring about poor people as a “boo-boo?”
(My friend Dave Ribeiro says Newt’s favorite drink is “scotch and wa-wa.”)
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Congrats to the 49ers Jim Harbaugh who was voted NFL Coach of the Year, with 45 votes out of 50 votes. Three voters went to the Packers’ Mike McCarthy and two went to Denver’s John Fox. McCarthy presumably got votes for not messing up the defending champions. But did those two vote for Fox because God wasn’t on the ballot?
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You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Indiana’s Secretary of State, the state’s top election official, has been convicted of six felony charges for lying about his address on voter registration forms. (False registration, voting in another precinct, submitting a false ballot, theft and two counts of perjury.)
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Serious PR disaster for the Komen Foundation this week with their temporary decision to stop funding Planned Parenthood. Did you really think you could do something that stupid and no one would notice? – asked Anthony Weiner.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Gingrich jokes, Janice Hough, Komen jokes, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 4, 2012
Your tax dollars at work: 35% of people who attend the Super Bowl write it off as a corporate expense.
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Wonder which team Mitt Romney has picked for his $10,000 bet on the Super Bowl?
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Newt Gingrich’s latest rant Friday was against the New York City “elites.” Well, at least that leaves out the Mets.
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The latest music rumor – Adam Lambert is joining Queen. Old time rock and roll fans may ask “Who’s Adam Lambert.” Young music fans may ask “Who’s Queen?”
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Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay said in a statement today “Peyton Manning, Jim Irsay and the entire Colts family remain close and unified.” Sounds like Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian on the 60th or so day of their marriage.
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Great jobs report today. You know what that means. Time for the GOP to start talking about Obama’s birth certificate again.
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Mitt Romney called today’s drop in unemployment “good news” , but said that “it has taken a lot longer than it should have, in part because of the policies of this administration.” Of course, if unemployment rises in February, it will be completely BECAUSE of President Obama….
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Rumor has it Kim Kardashian and Mark Sanchez are dating. Is there some way we can make sure they won’t breed?
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While visiting India, Arnold Schwarzenegger told a TV channel he would consider acting in Bollywood if offered “an interesting script with a good director.” Why? Lack of those things never stopped him making movies here.
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From Jim Barach: “A woman was arrested after reportedly trying to extort Yankees GM Brian Cashman. Now Cashman knows how fans feel when they go to buy a hot dog and beer at a Yankees game.”
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A United Airlines flight on Thursday from Chicago to Portland stuck a bird during takeoff and turned around and landed without reported injuries. Well, except for the bird.
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Several other Big Ten coaches are upset after Urban Meyer allegedly “poached” committed recruits from other conference schools. Meyer denies any violations. And Urban should be an expert on wrongdoing since 31 of his players were arrested during his six years at Florida.
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The Koch brothers, along with other conservative millionaires and billionaires apparently want to defeat President Obama so badly they are pledging $100 million. $100 million! Or as Mitt Romney calls it “pocket change.”
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NFL players have been complaining about the injury risks from the 8 Thurs. night games with the shortened recovery period after Sunday. Today Roger Goddell announced they will have 13 Thursday games in 2012, “giving all of the league’s teams a chance to appear in prime time on some outlet.” Can’t imagine how people get the idea the NFL cares more about profits than players.
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Not a Romney fan but have to love Newt Gingrich attacking today Mitt for his verbal gaffes. At least as far as we know Romney didn’t make a mistake with that “forsaking all others” stuff.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Kardashian jokes, NFL jokes, Romney jokes, Super Bowl Jokes
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February 3, 2012
Even at 82, she’s still got it. Sandra Day O’Connor at the elite Alfalfa Club dinner Saturday in D.C. said of the top two GOP presidential candidates, “one is a practicing polygamist, and he’s not even the Mormon.”
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The GOP primary candidates have moved their circus to Nevada in advance of the caucuses Saturday. If “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” can we ask the state to keep all of them?
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13 passengers were injured, one seriously (fractured hip), when their open air bus collided with a parked vehicle on a Royal Caribbean shore excursion. The cruise line said they were on the “”Best of St. Thomas and Shopping” trip. I can see it now – “Honey, of course I think we should go shopping, I’m just concerned about your safety.”
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Another in the “You Might Need a Life” dept – For $25, fans were able to purchase headsets to sit in the stadium stands on Tuesday and listen to Super Bowl media day interviews. Even scarier, apparently at the last minute some of the tickets were being scalped.
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After previously criticizing Mitt Romney regularly, Donald Trump endorsed Mitt for President. When asked why, presumably Trump’s response was “He had me at ‘I like firing people.'”
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Another reason Trump might have endorsed Romney. Maybe in the Donald’s mind this keeps alive his dream of being the first President with at least three wives.
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Apparently prostitutes at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada are donating their tips to Ron Paul. What a great country. And unlike some of the leveraged buyout types donating to Romney, these women actually provide value when they screw their fellow Americans.
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There are surprising rumors that Michele Bachmann might endorse Mitt Romney. While Bachmann has denied the rumors, a Boston Globe reporter suggested that her $1 million-plus campaign debt could be a factor in her deliberations. $1 million dollars! Or as Romney calls it “pocket change.”
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Not a big NY Giants fan but almost feeling sorry for Eli. Guy leads his 9-7 team to the Super Bowl, and this week he’s not even the Manning getting the most media attention.
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The NY Post apparently got hold of an email from Tom Brady’s supermodel wife Gisele to her friends and family, talking about how the Patriots “need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this super bowl. […] I feel Tommy really needs our prayer, our support and love at this time.” Even Mitt Romney says, “Talk about out of touch.”
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The NFL said they will give the 49ers a $200 million loan toward their new stadium in Santa Clara. Some worry when the team moves they will no longer be the San Francisco 49ers. And this could happen. On the other hand, the New York Giants don’t even play in the STATE of New York.
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Mitt Romney now says he misspoke when he said “I am not concerned about the very poor…. I am not concerned about the very rich.” I believe Mitt. I think he is concerned about the very rich. (They need those tax cuts.)
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His ego might be as big as Trump’s. And he’s richer than Romney. But here’s a billionaire I wouldn’t mind seeing some day running for higher office: NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg pledged up to $250,000 to Planned Parenthood to offset funds that were cut by the Susan G. Komen foundation, saying politics have “no place” in health care.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Donald Trump jokes, Janice Hough, Romney I don't care about the poor, Ron Paul jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 1, 2012
Technicially, if you’re not an official sponsor, you’re not allowed to use the words “Super Bowl.” Yeah, hate to put a non-profit like the NFL at risk of losing money.
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Madonna says there will be “no nipple” in her Super Bowl halftime show. Not to say the former Material Girl is getting up there in years but the way NBC will assure this is by only showing Madonna above the waist.
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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh has signed up to play the A T & T Pebble Beach Pro-Am. Which means for the first time, CBS plans to schedule cameras every day on the course for the post-round handshakes.
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The Campaign Media Analysis Group (CMAG) analyzed political ads shown in Florida this past week and said 92% them were negative. As someone who just spent a weekend in Florida I am shocked – 8% were actually supposed to be positive?
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Sarah Palin has been saying “Annoy a liberal, vote for Newt.” Uh, actually not speaking for all liberals, but a number of us would be thrllled to see more in the GOP vote for Newt.
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Gingrich had a robocall in FL saying that as “Gov. of Mass, Romney vetoed a bill paying for kosher food for our seniors in nursing homes. Which meant Holocaust survivors were forced to eat non-kosher, because Romney thought $5 was too much to pay.” Newt may be doing the impossible, making Mitt appear the more likable candidate.
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Newt Gingrich seems like he’s on a mission to make us all forget about that Howard Dean scream.
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Now that the GOP primary is over, Florida residents who want to watch something embarrassing on TV will have to turn back to Orlando Magic games.
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Aaron Rodgers said on a radio interview that he was disappointed in some players’ effort during the Pro Bowl. “I felt like some of the guys on the NFC side embarrassed themselves.” Does that make them all honorary Oakland Raiders?
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This year the New York Giants are in the Super Bowl. Although at 9-7, barely over .500, many think the team didn’t deserve to be in the playoffs in the first place. And really, who does the NFL think it is? The NBA?
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Many changes on high school signing day for college football…. Sounds like some of these prior commitments had all the validity of a Kardashian marriage..
At Newt Gingrich’s Florida “Not-quite-Victory” Party, one of the tunes was “”Hit Me With Your Best Shot” by Pat Benatar Hearing that, Mitt Romney suggested Newt invite Dick Cheney.
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When a company says as part of their hold music-message “Thank you for your patience,” anyone else want to scream at them “What patience, a**holes?”
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Delta Airlines is apparently looking into the possibility of acquiring either US Airways or American. Thereby bringing airline travelers in the United States a step closer to one giant “Take it or Leave it Air Lines.”
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“You might need a life” story: A California woman and about 100 people who are fans of the Facebook game “Frontierville” reportedly posted 1,001,291 comments to a single post in order to break a Guinness World Record.
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From Bill Littlejohn: The Oakland Raiders have hired Greg Knapp as offensive coordinator, a position he held with the team in 2007 and 2008.I guess they want to re-capture the glory days of JaMarcus Russell”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Jim Harbaugh jokes, Madonna jokes, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 31, 2012
Newt Gingrich calls Mitt Romney a “liar.” Romney calls Gingrich a “loser.” How long until we graduate to “booger-face” and “poo-poo head?”
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The story of Mitt Romney putting his dog in a crate on the roof while driving to a family vacation is increasingly getting media attention. Suppose it is probably a good thing Mitt didn’t try to put the family cat in the crate on the roof – he wouldn’t be alive to run for anything.
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A new survey of smartphone owners finds only, 68% open only five or fewer apps at least once a week. Speaking for the, uh, mature users of smartphones, I’m not sure how many people over 40 can figure how to work five or more apps in the first place.
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Karma’s a bitch nonpolitical quote of the week from Madonna in the U.K. Times: “If I say to my daughter her outfit is a little bit too risque, she will look at me and say ‘that’s rich coming from you.”
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The Pro Bowl is over. Which means the Super Bowl pre-game show has begun.
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Romney and Gingrich are running Spanish language ads in Florida to appeal to Cuban-American voters, many of whom do not speak English. Then the candidates head off to Texas, Arizona and California, where they’ll bash Mexican-Americans who don’t speak English for their failure to assimilate.
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Apparently the Pole Fitness Association and others are circulating petitions to make pole dancing a gymnastic event in the Olympics. Which could lead to words never before heard from straight men “Honey, what time is women’s gymnastics on?
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Something semi-serious for a change: A new federal rule requires airlines to include taxes and fees in the prices they advertise. One Congressman has introduced a bill to overturn the rule, Rep Tom Graves of Florida.
Now, I’m sure it’s just coincidence, but Wikipedia has this about Graves’ predecessor in the district, who is now Governor of Georgia: “After Governor Deal signed a 30 million dollar tax break for Delta Air Lines, the airline upgraded Deal and his wife to “Diamond” meda…llion status, which provides them perks such as “free upgrades when seats are available, Sky Club membership, bonus miles, priority check-in and boarding, fee waivers and more”. Deal’s spokesperson said Delta airlines’ gift had no connection with the tax break, describing the gift granted by the airline to Gov. Nathan Deal and his wife as a “contribution to the state of Georgia.”
Or maybe Graves really does think being honest about their prices is too big of an imposition on the airlines. Right….
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Back to silliness: Next year’s Bachelorette is going to be Emily Maynard, the blond single mom who “won” the Bachelor -season with Brad Womack only to have their engagement fall apart. Her daughter, Ricki, is going to be 7. Well, guess that gives Emily a few years to figure out where to hide the tapes of the show before the kid hits puberty.
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From Marc Ragovin: So Herman Cain has endorsed Newt Gingrich. That’s like the pilot of the Exxon Valdez endorsing the captain of the Costa Concordia
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Romney dog in crate on roof, Romney Gingrich jokes, Romney jokes
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January 29, 2012
Amazing that of the two leading GOP presidential contenders now, the Mormon is the one with only one wife.
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Several injuries were reported at a casino construction site in Cincinnati. when a floor fell into a V shape Friday and sent workers crashing to the ground. It was one of the more noteworthy collapses in town, well, not involving the Bengals.
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Great line from Bill Maher – appropriate to many nonpartisan occasions – “It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.”
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Overhead on the Pro Bowl telecast in the third quarter. “We’ve got a football game.” No, we’ve got a close score in an exhibition no one cares about, but it’s something to do on a Sunday before baseball starts and while NBA games don’t really matter.
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Newt Gingrich says of Mitt Romney, “He would say thing after thing after thing that just plain wasn’t true.” Like “Honey, sorry I couldn’t make it home… I was working late”?
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NFL Commissioner Goodell says the recession has helped grow TV audiences. “People want to feel part of a group, feel like they’re connected, and now during these difficult times, they can turn on free television…and forget their worries for just a few hours.” Very warm and fuzzy. Unless enough fans can’t afford tickets so the NFL blacks out their teams non-sellout home games.
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Mitt Romney is leading in Florida polls, especially around Orlando. Makes sense, in the Disney area most people have developed fond feelings towards life-like creatures.
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An Arizona city council candidate, Alejandra Cabrera, is fighting a judge’s ruling that barred her from running for office because her English was too poor. She should instead have considered running for Governor of California.
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The woeful Washington Wizards won their first road game of the season Saturday night against the Charlotte Bobcats. Thereby postponing at least briefly their team name change to the Washington Generals.
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Novak Djokovic beat Rafael Nadal for the Australian Open in a 5 set, 5-hour, 53-minute final. 5 hours and 53 minutes? That’s almost as long as a Kardashian marriage.
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Although Robert Rock and Tiger Woods were tied going into today’s final round of the Abu Dhabi golf tournament, Rock shot a 70 and won by two strokes. Wow. nobody is Tiger Woods any more. Not even Tiger Woods.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida primary jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Wizards jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 28, 2012
A Mitt Romney Florida television ad talks about Reagan and Gingrich. “Newt Gingrich uses Ronald Reagan’s name 50 times. Ronald Reagan mentioned Newt Gingrich once.” Not quite sure the point but is it just possible Reagan didn’t remember Gingrich’s name? Or anybody else’s?
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Herman Cain today said he endorsed Newt Gingrich: “he is not afraid of bold ideas and I also know that Speaker Gingrich is running for president and going through this sausage grinder. I know what this sausage grinder is all about.” Uh, was Cain endorsing a candidate or promoting pizza?
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Newt Gingrich vowed Saturday to stay in the race for the GOP presidential nomination until the Republican National Convention this summer no matter what happens in Florida on Tuesday.
Wonder how much of his statement might have been prompted by a large donation from the Committee to Re-Elect President Obama.
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Alec Baldwin told CNN’s Piers Morgan, “I do want to run for office one day.” Okay, count me in for those who might actually pay to watch Baldwin vs. Newt Gingrich.
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Apparently sales of Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” have gone up 490 percent since President Obama sang a line from the song at a fundraiser. Hmm. Maybe Obama should sing part of a new song every appearance for an economic stimulus for the music industry.
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49ers rookie star Aldon Smith was arrested for DUI and booked into a Miami Beach jail at 932am. (Yes, 932am!) At 100am he had tweeted “Does anybody sleep #Miami?” Shame someone didn’t answer “maybe you should be.”
(My friend Daniel responded “Followed by tweet. “Kyle Williams was my designated driver, but he dropped his keys” #guessI’lldrive #somethingsneverchange #easytarget.”
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After the Orlando Magic blew a 27 point lead Thursday against the Celtics and lost 91-83, some die-hard fans said “It could be worse.” Friday night the Magic lost to the 3-15 New Orleans Hornets 93-67. Yeah, it just got worse.
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Meanwhile, the woeful Washington Wizards won their first road game of the season tonight against the Charlotte Bobcats. Thereby postponing at least briefly their team name change to the Washington Generals.
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Apparently Jerry Sandusky is asking a judge to modify the terms of his bail so he can see his grandchildren. I believe the appropriate action is “Just Say No.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, GOP primary jokes, Mitt jokes, Newt Gingrich jokes, Orlanoo magic jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 28, 2012
This just in: Penn State campus police say they are investigating a report that Joe Paterno may be sick.
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Mitt Romney was campaigning in Orlando today. It went well except for one awkward moment when a Disney employee saw him and reported that one of their audio-animatronic figures must have gotten loose.
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Apple’s CEO Tim Cook says he is “outraged” at reports of worker mistreatment. Is he outraged that workers are being treated badly or outraged that the media is reporting it?
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Frank McCourt is starting to weed down groups bidding for the Dodgers. Great….and this selection process is being done by the man who made Los Angeles the franchise it is today.
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My friend Jeff Klein (from Los Angeles) points out “He is the only person I know who can derail one of the biggest sports franchises, declare bankruptcy, have a messy divorce, be despised by everyone, endure a take over by MLB, and end up leaving one billion dollars richer. Romney-McCourt 2012.”
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Mitt Romney is really getting angry at Newt Gingrich in Florida. Wonder how long it will take before Mitt threatens to strap him to the roof of the campaign bus.
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On other hand, Romney apparently leads Newt Gingrich by 10 points with women in a recent Florida poll. Makes sense – the state is full of a lot of first and second wives.
Drew Brees, who will be a free agent, isn’t talking about “feeding his family,” or “being respected,” or testing the market. He does say he doesn’t want his deal to keep the Saints from retaining other key free agents. “My No. 1 priority, and it always has been this, is keeping our team together.” What a concept.
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Colts owner Jim Irsay isn’t happy about Peyton Manning’s comments about the team, including saying that Indianapolis may not bring him back. Irsay said Manning should have “kept it in the family.” Well, at least for a few weeks, until the Colts owner was planning on booting him out of the family.
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Stories continue to emerge about the dysfunctional Jets locker room, and indeed NY coach Rex Ryan said he didn’t have “the pulse” of the team. Many Jets fans were surprised to hear that – the team was playing like they didn’t HAVE a pulse.
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The Orlando Magic blew a 27 point lead at home Thursday night, and lost to the Boston Celtics 91-83. The Magic scored EIGHT points in the 4th quarter. What, is Dwight Howard now angling for a trade to Miami?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Florida primary jokes, Joe Paterno jokes, NBA jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 27, 2012
During tonight’s debate, Newt Gingrich gushed over Callista, that she was artistic and “played the French horn.” Was he saying she’s musical, or was that a euphemism for her talents that convinced him to make her his third wife?
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Not voting for Ron Paul. But kudos to him for the best debate line of the night: “I don’t think we should go to the moon; I think we should send some politicians up there.”
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Well it WAS a good story. Yale QB Patrick Witt said he decided not to interview for a Rhodes scholarship in order to prepare for the Harvard-Yale game. Except that the NY Times reports the Rhodes Trust had already suspended Witt’s candidacy because it learned that a female student had accused the QB of sexual assault in Sept….. (Sounds like Patrick has a future in politics.)
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These debates are getting old. Here’s an idea, since both Romney and Gingrich have each switched several positions and remade their own histories, let’s do two solo acts – i.e. give them both a chance to debate themselves.
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Not trying to be appear like a California wine snob but…. was thrown for a loop by Liberty Creek wines at Walgreen’s, on sale for $4.99 for 1.5 litres today. Not so much the first two varietals (Cabernet Sauvignon and Chardonnay) but the third -“Sweet Red.”
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After the SF 49ers were eliminated, Michael Crabtree, who was basically AWOL in the playoffs, suggested that Alex Smith didn’t give him enough chances – “All I do is run routes When you don’t get that many opportunities, it’s hard to talk.” Wow. Sounds like Crabtree really does want to be the next Terrell Owens.
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President Obama is downplaying his public tiff with Arizona’s governor Jan Brewer and said she may have been seeking out attention. Ya think? Even Sarah Palin is probably privately referring to Brewer as a “media whore.”
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Hillary Clinton said again that she is stepping down as Secretary of State after Obama’s first term. Bill Clinton immediately asked the President to consider him for an foreign ambassadorship.
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The Museum of London is currently displaying a newly found coin, believed to be a “brothel token” in circulation in London during the 1st century AD. Wonder if it was lost on vacation by a young Larry King?
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Some conservative pundits are cheering Jan Brewer’s waving her finger at President Obama. Wonder what they would have said if a Democratic governor had done that to President George W. Bush?
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Pat Sajak says he and Vanna White used to take margarita breaks in the early days of “Wheel of Fortune.” Which is surprising. I’ve always thought they gave the margaritas to the contestants to get them to jump up and down and shriek like they do.
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Newt Gingrich is ragging on Mitt Romney today as a guy “who has Swiss bank accounts, Cayman Island accounts, owns shares of Goldman Sachs….” Harsh words from a man with a $500,000 credit account at Tiffany’s.
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Josh Garnett, #15 on the Sporting News high school prospect list (guard or tackle) was quoted last year – ““To land my commitment, the school is going to need to have a great school legacy of football, great players and coaches … and a great bioengineering program.” Today he chose Stanford.
(In the SEC, coaches are saying, “Hey, some of our players can spell bioengineering.”)
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Taco Bell is rolling out a new breakfast menu. But haven’t most people in their younger years already done Taco Bell for breakfast? Usually about 230a.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, GOP debate jokes, Jan Brewer jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 1 Comment
January 26, 2012
While campaigning in Florida, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that Barack Obama’s SOTU address was “detached from reality.” Only in America can a man who makes $10,000 bets in a debate, and talks about being unemployed while making $21 million a year, accuse someone else about being “detached from reality.”
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In Florida, Newt Gingrich said today that as President he would make sure the U.S. has a permanent moon base by the end of his second term. What’s more of a pipe dream? A base on the moon? Or a Gingrich second term?
(Alex Schubert says “a Gingrich first term?”)
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Frank McCourt has indicated he has already received over 20 bids, many of them with multiple potential investors, for the Los Angeles Dodgers. At this point the team may have more potential buyers than they have fans in the stands after the 7th inning.
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In a January 14 conversation with a friend wiretapped by Italian authorities, Costa Concordia Captain Schettino says, “I don’t ever want to go back on ship.” I think that can be arranged.
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Costa Captain Schettino’s wife apparently is standing by her man and defending him in an interview she gave to the magazine “Paris Match.” Sounds like someone got the number of Kobe Bryant’s jeweler.
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Terrell Owens said in a GQ interview that he’s nearly broke and “in Hell.” And the worst thing – there’s no quarterback he can currently blame it on.
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One thing that bothers many Americans about Mitt Romney’s tax returns is with the investment income he is now making all that money while currently doing nothing productive. Sort of like Barry Zito.
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Tim Lincecum signed with the SF Giants for $40.50 million for two years. Which means two years from now the Giants will either be idiots for not having locked him up longer, or brilliant for not getting into another Zito-like contract.
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Michele Bachmann announced today she will seek re-election to the House. And it was Jon Stewart’s turn to Tebow.
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Newt Gingrich told an interviewer for the Christian Broadcasting Network that Evangelicals like him because his affairs make him “more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect.” And Bill Clinton said “Why didn’t I think of that?”
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In his response to the State of the Union, Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels complained about Obama’s wasteful spending. Guess he feels the President hasn’t done enough to reverse the deficit explosion from George W.’s administration, when Bush’s budget director was… Mitch Daniels.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Captain Schettino jokes, Concordia sinking jokes, Costa jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, Newt Gingrich jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
January 25, 2012
President Obama’s speech tonight was very realistic in one regard. While he returned to the theme of Washington being broken, he offered no over-optimistic plans to fix the Wizards and Redskins.
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Another post State of the Union thought. President Obama was much more civil to the GOP than Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are to each other.
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And there’s some progress in the U.S.A after all. Watching the State of the Union reminds me that we now actually have both a President and a Speaker of the House who are men of color.
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Mitt Romney released his tax returns showing he will pay $6.2 million on income of over $42.5 million over the last two years. For a rate of 13.9% in 2010, and 15.4% in 2011. Well, gosh, with that kind of rate hike in 2011 I can see why Mitt thinks he needs a tax cut.
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Oscar nominations announced today. And all these politicians who disavow all knowledge of what their Super PACs are up to were somehow shut out of the “Best Actor Category.”
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Wonder if the Razzies will give a special award for “I fell into the lifeboat.”
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San Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi stated today that he will not take a leave of absence even though he has been charged with domestic violence – saying ““I will make sure, as I have been doing, (to) attend to the needs of the department.” At least he didn’t say he was a fighter.
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The Raiders have announced the hiring Dennis Allen as their new coach. Since he’s going to be their 10th head coach since 1995, shouldn’t they refer to him as their “interim head coach?”
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Costa Cruise Lines has offered passengers booked on future sailings of the Concordia a refund and a 30% discount on a future cruise. No exact word on the timeline for the discount. Which might matter as for several passengers no doubt they are thinking “when hell freezes over.”
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Oregon football coach Chip Kelly turned down the head coaching position with Tampa Bay, in order to stay with the Ducks. Guess even with all his self-confidence, Kelly didn’t think he could turn the Buccaneers into BCS contenders.
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The Indianapolis Colts are reportedly talking to 49ers Special Teams’ coach Brad Seeley. San Francisco is reportedly ready to let Seeley go, if he takes Kyle Williams with him.
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From T.C. SF punt returner Kyle Williams has been invited by all 4 NY area NHL teams to drop the puck at their next home game.
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Elizabeth Warren on the Daily Show in New York said the Patriots were going to “spank” the Giants in the Super Bowl. When asked by Jon Stewart, aren’t you supposed to waffle and say how much you respect the New York Giants, she responded “But I don’t.” Not a Patriots fan, but “You Go Girl!”
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In the South Carolina presidential primary, apparently 953 ballots were turned in that belonged to dead people. Said Chicagoans – “Amateurs!”
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Well, the SF Giants may not have signed any great hitters in the offseason. On the other hand, two of the best have gone to the AL. (Fielder and Pujols.) Does increase the likelihood of 2-1 wins over St. Louis and Milwaukee.
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Less than a week away from Super Bowl media day in Indianapolis. Just waiting for the first reporter to ask this year “Do you think the weather will be a factor?”
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Worst thing about the 49ers not making the Super Bowl. Not getting to hear Jim Harbaugh at Media Day. Especially after this response at a Monday press conference “Is it just California that everybody just wants to know how you feel? Care about what you thought, what you did, how you felt, how your pinky feels. Is that just a California thing? Back where I come from, nobody really cares.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Costa jokes, Janice Hough, Oscars jokes, Romney jokes, state of the union jokes, Super Bowl Jokes
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January 24, 2012
Mitt Romney says Gingrich is “erratic,” Newt Gingrich says Romney “can’t be trusted.” Who’s winning? President Obama.
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Costa and their so-to-be-ex Captain are going at each other hot and heavy in the media as to assigning blame for the crash and sinking of the Concordia. Will the famous term for buck-passing be updated to “throwing someone under the cruise ship?”
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Who knew? The true MVP of the 2011 49ers might have been Ted Ginn. Jr.
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Open note to all spammers. Work on spelling. Doesn’t exactly inspire fear in your targets when they get an email supposedly from Paypal titled “account suspended, for your proection (sic).
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A rumor going around about Ryan Braun is that he says his failed drug test is the result of his taking medication for an STD. (Herpes.) Not that I want to impugn anyone’s good name unnecessarily but considering the number of children along with the reputations pro-athletes have…. does anyone really think he’s the only one taking such medication?
Or to put it another way, if meds for an STD made you test positive for PED’s, wouldn’t we have a lot more players on the 50 day shelf?
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All these folks ragging on Steven Tyler for his lousy rendition of the National Anthem. It could have been MUCH more painful to watch – Tyler could have had a wardrobe malfunction.
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Kia Motors said it is recalling 145,755 cars in the United States because of potentially faulty driver airbags. Wow. Kia has sold over 145,000 cars in the U.S?
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Two part joke with my comedy writer friend Paul Seaburn, who wrote the first joke below:
“India’s government wants an apology from Jay Leno for a joke where he said that the Golden Temple, which is India’s holiest shrine, could be Mitt Romney’s summer home. Romney wants an apology too for putting the idea into his wife’s head.
My following joke. Wonder how long until we see a Leno joke about Britain’s crown jewels upsetting Newt Gingrich for the same reason.
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Chicago White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf on his former manager – “Regarding Ozzie Guillen’s departure last September, I want to make it clear that he left with our organization’s blessing.” Translate, Reinsdorf told Ozzie, don’t let the clubhouse door hit you in the “behind.”
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Quote of the night on “the Bachelor” from model Courtney ” “I’m a nice person, don’t f*ck with me.”
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Royal Caribbean sent a long email to past guests reassuring them on the cruise lines safety procedures and even including links to videos on the subject. Here’s a simpler idea – just send out an email “Our captains don’t joyride.”
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Rick Santorum’s spokesman said Mitt Romney called him to “concede victory” in Iowa. But Romney’s spokeswoman said his campaign didn’t concede, that “Gov. Romney (just) called Sen. Santorum to congratulate him on the Iowa results.” Can’t imagine where politicians get the reputation for doublespeak.
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Sarah Palin said that Chris Christie’s comment that Newt Gringrich was becoming an embarrassment “was reflective of a lack of self-discipline.” Well, if anyone is an expert on a lack of self-discipline….
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Sarah Palin also said of New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie that he got his “panties in a wad.” Sarah, really? Is that the visual you want to inflict upon the world?
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A new study published online by the New England Journal of Medicine finds that some people are allergic to cold. “See, I just cheated on Hillary for my health.” said Bill Clinton.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Costa Concordia jokes, Costa jokes, cruise jokes, GOP debate jokes, Janice Hough, Palin jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
January 23, 2012
R.I.P. Joe Paterno – For his sake it was a shame the cancer didn’t kill him six months earlier. And remembering this Edmund Burke quote -“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”
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The cancer killed Paterno so quickly, you have to wonder, was part of the problem that he waited too long to report the symptoms?
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Jerry Sandusky’s statement on the passing of Joe Paterno: “This is a sad day!” Yes, agreed, sad that the passing wasn’t Sandusky’s
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Kyle Wlliams has now joined Tim Tebow as one of those rare players who can get 60,000 plus fans on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ!”
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Weather was so bad at Candlestick fans expected to see a baseball game break out.
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Alex Smith picked a bad time to start looking like Alex Smith.
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The worst thing about a Boston-New York Super Bowl. It will give ESPN an easy excuse again to start talking about the Red Sox-Yankees.
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Kyle Williams will never have to buy himself a drink in New York again.
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Baltimore fans watching that last drive? “tell me truly, I implore — Is there — is there balm in Gilette? — tell me — tell me, I implore!” Quoth the Ravens “Nevermore.”
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In accepting his MVP award, Ryan Braun said “we all deal with challenges we never expected to endure.” Wonder if that translates to “damn guy TOLD me the stuff was undetectable.”
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John Boehner is already referring to President Obama’s Tuesday State of the Union speech as “pathetic.” Presume he’s also already ordered the crying towels?
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Gabby Giffords has announced she is retiring from Congress effective Monday. Wish her all the best, and clearly Giffords needs to do what is best for her health. But she is already more articulate than many of her fellow Congresspeople.
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Simon Cowell has apparently called off his engagement to long-time girlfriend Mezhgan Hussainy. Poor Simon, looks like he’s never going to find anyone he loves as much as he loves himself..
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The Discovery Channel announced Saturday yesterday that they will air a documentary on the Costa Concordia crash this spring. So congratulations to all those who had “seven days” in the pool.
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Regarding Steven Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem -Objectively, he wouldn’t have even given himself a ticket to Hollywood.
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Oregon head coach Chip Kelly is apparently talking to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers about their head coaching vacancy. Wonder if that means that NCAA investigation into the Ducks’ recruiting program is more serious than we thought.
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An Italian rescue official now says there is a possibility that “unregistered” passengers (i.e. stowaways) may have been aboard the Costa Concordia. And we thought our TSA was sloppy.
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Your bailout money at work: Goldman Sachs investment banker Jeffrey Verschleiser has been sued from illegally profiting from bad mortgages at Bear Stearns before the firm’s collapse. But now he’s apparently spending over $1 million to take over an entire Aspen hotel for four days for his daughter’s bat mitzah. Even Mitt Romney is saying “How tone deaf can you be?”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Costa Concordia jokes, Janice Hough, Jerry Sandusky jokes, Joe Paterno jokes, Ravens jokes, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
January 22, 2012
Which sank quicker this week – the Costa Concordia, or Mitt Romney’s Presidential hopes?
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How angry was Mitt Romney after tonight’s loss? Rumor has it he went home and actually thought about kicking the dog strapped to the roof of his car.
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Sarah Palin now says Newt Gingrich is the new Republican “front-runner.” Is she angling for another spot on the ticket? Democrats are Tebowing at the idea.
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No wonder Herman Cain had to drop out of the Presidential race. He didn’t marry enough of the women he had affairs with….
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Mitt Romney is now calling on Newt Gingrich today to release those Freddie Mac reports he wrote for $1.6 million in consulting fees. This millionaire on multi-millionaire class warfare is really getting out of hand.
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The question of the night in South Carolina. Who looks more lifelike? Mitt Romney or Callista Gingrich?
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A couple headlines this morning screamed “Newt on fire.” And all I can think was “Did one of his ex-wives set it?
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The NBA admitted today that officials made a mistake Friday in not calling a kicked-ball violation that resulted in the Warriors’ losing’ 94-91 loss to the Pacers. Bummer, this could mean Golden State ends up only winning 12 instead of 13 games this year.
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All kinds of rumors about the death or near-death of Joe Paterno. Not excusing the coach’s behavior in the Sandusky affair, but will say that of all the scumbags at Penn State, Joe-Pa actually had some history of good behavior on his side.
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The real winner of the South Carolina GOP primary tonight? Just might be Barack Obama.
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Syracuse star Fab Melo didn’t travel with the team to Notre Dame. According to ESPN it was because of an “unresolved academic issue from the fall semester.” When asked which class caused the issue, wonder if Melo responded “Class?”
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You cannot make this “stuff” up dept for the day: Keith Ablow, a psychiatrist working for Fox News, said that Newt’s affairs might make him a better president, saying three women wanting to marry him was proof of his appeal, and that “Gingrich’s way of telling his wives the ‘incredibly painful truths’ that he no longer loved them and was leaving them for other women could mean that he would be equally, brutally direct with America about whatever issues he had with the entire country.”
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Gary M’s comment about the young blonde dancer who was seen dining and drinking with the Costa captain the night the ship sank, and her “denying rumors they were romantically involved…”
“He merely tripped and fell on top of her. Repeatedly.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Callista Gingrich jokes, Costa Concordia jokes, GOP primary jokes, Newt Gingrich jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
January 21, 2012
The Cleveland Indians pitcher formerly known as Fausto Carmona apologized for lying about his name and his age. After Leo Nunez of the Marlins was caught doing the same thing. If they are ever traded for each other it could be the first trade solely involving two players to be named later.
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Brilliant analysis from New England Patriots QB Tom Brady on his website, “The team that’s going to win this weekend is the team that plays the best.”
How weird is this NBA season? Tonight the Lakers lost to the Magic, and the Clippers lost to the T’Wolves. And the Clippers’ loss was more surprising.
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Although he hasn’t read it and says he won’t read it, Tiger Woods is already ripping former coach Hank Haney’s upcoming book about him: “I think people understand that this book is about money.” And Tiger’s point is?
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Tiger Woods claims he has not read the upcoming book by his former coach Hank Haney, but he is already criticizing it.
Sort of like those GOP candidates who say they haven’t seen their Super PAC commercials but can describe them word for word.
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So in conservative South Carolina, Mitt Romney may lose to a serial adulterer who told one of his wives he wanted an open marriage. To paraphrase Sally Field, Mitt should be thinking – “You don’t like me, you REALLY don’t like me.”
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Newt Gingrich says he was just misunderstood. He still does mean that marriage is between one man and one woman. He just meant to qualify that with “in bed, at the same time.”
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All this controversy about Gingrich wanting an open marriage. Newt already HAD an open marriage, he just wanted Marianne’s permission.
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The St. Louis Rams have announced they will play a regular season game in London in each of the next three NFL seasons. And from “across the pond” come the cries “Hey mates, haven’t we suffered enough?”
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Only 30 days until pitchers and catchers report. So, okay Cubs fans, time to order those “Countdown to elimination clocks.”
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Newt Gingrich said of our President – “He’s likeable. I would never beat Obama in a personality contest.” Yes, but the scary thing for the GOP…Gingrich does beat Mitt Romney in a personality contest.
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The blond hostess who was seen drinking with the Costa captain the night the ship sank is denying rumors they were romantically involved. She told an Italian paper he always was showing pictures of his daughter and that “A man who wants a lover does not behave like that.”
Uh, not saying the two were or they weren’t involved. But Bill Clinton doted on Chelsea.
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From Michael Hayne: “If Mitt Romney wants to get rid of Newt Gingrich, he just needs to become seriously ill and Newt will leave.”
And from Marc Ragovin, a last word on Tim Tebow.
Here’s a way to describe “passes completed/attempts” in a typical Tebow game: Tim 3:16
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Costa Captain jokes, Gingrich jokes, Janice Hough, Newt jokes, South Carolina jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
January 20, 2012
Thirty minutes after the Costa Concordia hit the rocks, the captain is heard insisting that his cruise ship only had a blackout. That’s like Captain John Smith saying “it was only a little ice.”
According to an Italian newspaper, Costa Concordia Captain Schettino said to a judge that he miscalculated when steering the ship close to the island of Giglio to perform a sail-past salute to people onshore. But added “I’m a victim of my own kindness.” “A victim of his own kindness? I like “fell into the lifeboat” better.
As my friend Alex Schubert says, “He miscalculated steering a ship, but he somehow managed to make a dead on calculation when taking a giant plunge into a tiny lifeboat.”
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The story now is that the married 52 year old captain was drinking wine a dinner with a 25 year old blonde dancer, less than an hour before he put the ship on the rocks. Really? This guy wasn’t acting like a captain, he was acting like a future U.S. Presidential candidate.
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Let’s hope it doesn’t come out that the Captain called Rick Perry to ask the three things he should do in the event of a crash.
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Now the National Enquirer is reported that Khloe Kardashian’s father is O.J. Simpson. You know what this story coming out means? Ratings for their television show must be falling.
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All this talk about the potential damage that may come from Marianne Gingrich’s statement that Newt wanted an open marriage…. Did we forget that Americans elected Bill Clinton President twice?
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A 65 year old lawyer was arrested with a loaded handgun in her carryon as she boarded a flight at DFW Airport. Reportedly she “forgot” about the gun. TSA apparently saw the weapon but didn’t stop the woman so flights were delayed until they were able to find her. In TSA’s defense, they got everyone immediately with those illegal water bottles.
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So Rick Perry, another candidate who claimed God told him to run is out of the GOP Presidential race. Appears that God has recently lost interest in politics and American football.
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One of the hardest things to understand about Newt Gingrich and his affairs…. that there are actually three women who wanted to sleep with him.
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The latest vote count out of Iowa shows Rick Santorum winning by 34 votes, but GOP officials call it a “split decision.” Who was running these caucuses? The BCS?
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When told of Perry’s exit from the race, Mitt Romney said “We’re gonna miss him.” “Not half as much as we will”, responded Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.
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Eastman Kodak has filed for bankruptcy. At one point the company was so iconic that their Kodachrome film was immortalized in a Paul Simon song. Said most under 30s – “What’s Kodachrome?” Said most under 20s – “What’s film?”
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Marianne Gingrich did an interview with ABC where she lambastes Newt for cheating on her with his future third wife. Right, as opposed to the cheating he did with Marianne on his first wife.
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Marianne Gingrich also said that Newt wanted an “open marriage.” Is the timing of this interview a shameless push for Bill Clinton’s endorsement.
Most unfortunate thing about tonight’s Lakers-Heat game? Someone had to win.
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A 65 year old lawyer was arrested with a loaded handgun in her carry-on as she boarded a flight at DFW Airport. Reportedly she “forgot” about the gun. TSA apparently saw the weapon but didn’t stop the woman so flights were delayed until they were able to find her. In TSA’s defense, they got everyone immediately with those illegal water bottles.
(and well, years ago Ann Richards did speak out about the concealed weapons law in Texas, which proponents said was for women’s protection, saying she didn’t presume to speak for all Texas women, but she didn’t think “most of us could find a gun in our purse”)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Concordia captain jokes, Costa jokes, Gingrich jokes, Italian captain jokes, Janice Hough, Romney jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 