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Slip sliding away….

January 19, 2012

(The Carnival- Costa theme song?)

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Poor Joe Biden. All these reported GOP speaking gaffes must have him missing the spotlight. Or at least that’s one explanation why he told San Francisco Democrats in a private fundraiser today that “the Giants are on their way to the Super Bowl.

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Actually posted this on Facebook last morning before Biden’s speech: You might be a S.F. bandwagon fan if….. You say you are excited about the Giants game this weekend but admit you hadn’t thought the Giants started playing until April.

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The Captain of the Concordia now said he fell into the lifeboat. I think I like I cheated on my wife because of “how passionately I felt about this country” better.

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The NY Post may not usually appear on the list of America’s top papers. But they do win the prize so far for the best headline on the Costa Concordia disaster- a picture of the captain on the front page of their paper edition with the caption “Chicken of the Sea.”

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Wonder if Captain Francesco Schettino has had time to change his Facebook status? Presumably from “At the helm of the Costa Concordia about to impress passengers with a beautiful island view,” to “It’s complicated.”

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And watching the television shots of the Concordia on its side with the deck steeply sloped towards the ocean, have to wonder if parent company Carnival will reconsider those ads of the “longest, fastest, waterslide” at sea.

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True fact: The Costa Concordia is a sister ship to Carnival’s Splendor. All of a sudden being adrift for three days off the coast of Mexico (which happened to the Splendor in 2010), doesn’t seem so bad.
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From my friend Jerry Perisho, “A member of the Italian Coast Guard told the captain of that cruise ship, who had already abandoned ship, “Get on board, dammit” That, of course, is the same message the Romney campaign team is screaming at Republican voters.”

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Now that Yu Darvish has signed with the Rangers, many of us have a whole new reason to look forward to interleague play. If Darvish can handle a bat or work a walk it means we can hear the announcer say “Yu’s on first.”

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Darvish’s name is actually pronounced “You duhr-veesh.” So will he be known to U.S. fans as a “Hurling Darvish?”

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Mitt Romney is having a tough few days talking about his 15% tax rate and making “only” about $375,000 a year from public speaking. I miss Ann Richards, who would no doubt be proclaiming “Poor Mitt, he was born with a platinum foot in his mouth.”

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Newt Gingrich has announced he pays a 31% percent tax rate, and is worth only about $6.7 million, much less than Mitt Romney. Wonder how much of that difference is Callista’s jewelry?

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Despite his positive PED test Ryan Braun will accept his NL MVP award at a banquet Saturday. Braun’s spokesman said “there are highly unusual circumstances surrounding this case which will support Ryan’s complete innocence.” Of course, aren’t there always?

My friend Karen wondered if he tripped and fell into a needle?

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Rob Lowe apparently tweeted that Peyton Manning is retiring. Could be true, or maybe Peyton is just floating a trial balloon to keep something awful from happening, like being traded to the Redskins.

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Some unfortunate stories of Saints fans being treated badly at Candlestick Park during the SF-New Orleans game. Well, this sort of harassment probably won’t happen if the team moves to expensive new digs in Santa Clara. The local folks who can afford tickets probably will be too busy with their cellphones.

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From Bill Littlejohn: It’s getting down to the wire for arbitration between Tim Lincecum and the San Francisco Giants. Lincecum demanded a Giants team batting average of .280 in arbitration—the Giants countered with .240″

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Cha-cha-cha changes…..

January 18, 2012

Last week Jon Huntsman called Mitt Romney “unelectable” and “out-of-touch.” This week he endorsed him for President. I know Jon’s a Mormon but he changed his estimation faster than a man at a singles bar at closing time.

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Passengers on a BA Miami to London flight were awakened at 300am by an automated message saying “This is an emergency announcement. We may shortly need to make an emergency landing on water.”

A a cabin crew member had pushed the wrong button. Wonder if the employee might be terminated. If so, they are likely to get a job offer from Costa Cruise Lines.

But come on, really? You try to delete spam or a pop-up ad sometimes and get the response “Are you really sure you want to delete this message,” Or “Are you really sure you want to navigate away from this page?” Doesn’t it seem like there should be a “Are you SURE you want to push this button?” message.

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Dwight Howard has now apparently added the Clippers to his trade wish list. Wonder how long it will take Jack Nicholson to apply for season tickets.

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Highly-rated QB prospect Gunner Kiel has enrolled at Notre Dame, after first committing to Indiana, and then LSU. Who’s Kiel’s role model? Brett Favre?

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Celebrity chef Paula Deen announced she has Type 2 diabetes. For anyone who’s followed her cooking show or her books, there’s just one question – “What took so long?”

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High school QB Gunner Kiel, rated #2 in the country, has now committed to three different colleges. Now, former top prospect Andrew Luck called his own plays. Don’t think this will happen with Kiel. Coaches will have to figure he’ll never decide what play to call.

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Nick Montana, son of Joe, is transferring from the University of Washington to a junior college, in hopes of eventually finding another four year school where he can play more. And the BCS still says it’s all about protecting the “student-athletes.”

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n Santa Rosa, California, a police sting caught 9 people driving away from the courthouse, out of 18 who had JUST been told by a judge not to drive. Along with the original charges will the police add enhancements for stupidity?

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A final written tally of the Iowa caucus votes will be released Friday, and it turns out Rick Santorum may have actually beaten Mitt Romney. Who did the original counting? Rick Perry?

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The SF Giants have signed Pablo Sandoval to a 3-year contract. The contract is guaranteed unless the Panda does anything dangerous, like motorcycling, mountain climbing, or getting within 50 feet of a Taco Bell.

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Mitt Romney said today that he most of his income comes from investments (makes sense, since he’s been running for President for the last eight years) and currently pays taxes “close to the 15% rate.” 15%. Yeah, I can see why he thinks he needs a tax cut….

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More Romney: In discussing his probable 15% tax rate, he said it is because he has mostly investment income, adding “I get speakers fees from time to time, but not very much.” Last year, Romney earned only $374,327.62 in speaking fees. Can’t imagine how Mitt gets the image of being out of touch.

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A new PPP (Public Policy Polling) poll shows President Obama leading Mitt Romney 49-45. Now polls can vary but one interesting side note: Romney leads by 6 points with men, but Obama leads by 14 points with women. (Comments on this one especially encouraged.)

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When we hope the Lights Don’t Go Down in the City.

January 16, 2012

The 49ers get another playoff home game, which should be at night. Will ticket holders be asked to bring flashlights?

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Lakers 73, Dallas 70? Or was that score left over from a Baylor football game?

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How long until we start seeing Costa Concordia cocktails? Presumably something Italian on the rocks, with a lot of water.

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And ah, perspective. Micky Arison, the owner of the Miami Heat, is also the CEO and majority owner of Carnival Cruise Lines, parent company of Costa. Last week if you asked him he might have said the biggest disaster he’d seen this year was Lebron’s performance in the NBA finals.

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George Clooney won a Golden Globes award for “The Descendants.” Probably because as unlikely as it seemed, he actually gave a believable performance as a man a woman might actually cheat on.

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Stephen Colbert, taking Mitt Romney’s “corporations are people” to its logical conclusion, now has a satiric commercial saying that Romney’s time doing leveraged buyouts makes him a serial killer. Wonder how long it will take President Obama to beg Colbert to run in more GOP primaries.

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South Carolina’s leading newspaper endorsed Jon Huntsman, saying that of the “two sensible, experienced grownups in the race, he was “more principled, has a far more impressive resume and offers a significantly more important message.” So, of course after that Huntsman knew he has no chance and had to quit.

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Whose endorsement was less enthusiastic? John Elway’s saying Tebow is next year’s Broncos starter? Or Jon Huntsman saying Mitt Romney is now the GOP’s best Presidential candidate?

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Marc Ragovin’s take on Jon’s Huntsman’s throwing his support to Mitt Romney. That is like the Cubs having “Go Yankees” night.

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Who’d a thunk it. Alex Smith this past weekend gave his best Aaron Rodgers impersonation, while Aaron Rodgers gave his best Alex Smith impersonation.

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Rick Perry last weekend compared himself to Moses. And a voice from the heavens boomed down “I knew Moses, Moses was a friend of mine, Governor, you’re no Moses.”

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Another in the long line of “you cannot make this ‘stuff’ up” items: Georgia Republican state Rep. Kip Smith, the sponsor of a bill that would “require random drug testing” for citizens on public assistance, was arrested early Friday morning in an Atlanta suburb and charged with DUI.

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A man in Southern California have arrested a man who they say added chemicals into his wife’s Rice Krispies cereal last week in attempt to kill her. What, as opposed to the chemicals already in the cereal?

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Tim Tebow had a feeling he was in for a rough game against the Pats. When he prayed before the game, God told Tebow to take the Pats and give the 14.5 points.”

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Well, at least Tebow…

January 15, 2012

Now has plenty of time to go to church on Sundays.

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The Saints lost in a thriller, Tebow and the Broncos got pounded. Maybe God decided to watch the NBA instead this weekend.

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Quote before yesterday’s 49ers-Saints playoff game, from Tara VanDerveer via Scott Ostler “All the great ones have a screw loose.” (This actually may describe both Harbaugh and Payton.)

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich are appealing not being on the Virginia ballot after both of them failed to get enough signatures to qualify. My thought, if you’re not smart enough to count the right number of signatures, you aren’t nearly smart enough to run for President.

Vice President, maybe.

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A $170 million failed Russian space probe will fall down to earth today, only about 2 months after it was launched towards a moon of Mars. Could be the most expensive crash landing since Rick Perry’s presidential campaign.

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John Bolton said that President Obama shouldn’t take credit for getting Bin Laden, saying “It’s because Navy Seal Team 6 killed Osama… It happened to occur during his presidency.” Ah, I get it, since he took office Obama is only responsible for everything bad that has happened.

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Congrats to Jim Harbaugh for his gutsy call to throw for a game-winning touchdown last night. David Shaw would have gone for the tying field goal. (No, Stanford fans aren’t still bitter….Right.)

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Not sure about the timing of this Alvin and the Chipmunks, Chipwrecked movie, with the Costa Concordia’s story. On the other hand some might think the only silver lining of a ship’s sinking might be potentially drowned Chipmunks.

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More bad timing, while the capsized Costa cruise ship makes headlines, another major European headline is “More than 4,000 people in Belfast are vying to land one of 70 front of house staff jobs in the world’s largest Titanic visitor attraction.”

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Open note to all Americans who take cruises to Mexico but are too scared to get off their cruise ships in port over exaggerated crime reports – the Carnival Splendor, the biggest ship sailing that route, is or rather was a sister ship to the Costa Concordia.

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Another thought for cruise passengers – We may have seen the end of increasingly lax cruise lifeboat drills.

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Take the Heat, please.

January 14, 2012

The Miami Heat have lost three in a row. “That’s such a shame.” said absolutely no one outside South Florida.

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Ohio State president Gordon Gee is apologizing after saying that coordinating the school’s 18 colleges was “kind of like the Polish army or something.”

Fortunately for Gee, he’s likely off the front page soon – Urban Meyer with his 30 plus players arrested in 6 years at the Univ. of Florida is taking over this week.

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John Edward’s criminal trial has been postponed because he apparently has a “life-threatening” condition. Sad. Being a douchebag is not usually fatal.

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A judge says John Edwards has a heart condition. Meaning he has joined Dick Cheney in that rare group who seem to have such problems without actually having a heart.

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The comedy gods taketh away and the comedy gods giveth. As the GOP presidential primary field shrinks, comes the report that Tiger Woods and Tim Tebow could end up playing together in the AT& T Pebble Beach Pro-Am.

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Starbucks is launching a new “Blonde Roast” and an employee has posted that they were advised “there are absolutely no blonde jokes to be told around the coffee what so ever.” Doesn’t mean we can’t post them.

Starting with only blondes will be stupid enough to pay more for weaker coffee?

The winner so far from my friend Alex Kaseberg “The blonde coffee has a much higher chance of ending up in a guy’s lap. (Readers are encouraged to add more.)

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Former Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fisher may become the next coach of the St. Louis Rams. Fisher apparently is very optimistic, and says he hopes to have the Rams BCS eligible in 2012.

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Former interim MLB commissioner Bud Selig has been given a two year extension until 2014. He took the position temporarily in 1992. Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, give it up already.”

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While I’m not exactly a Mitt Romney fan, the latest attack ad in South Carolina lambastes him for speaking French. After an anti-Jon Huntsman ad attacked him for speaking Chinese. And we wonder why Americans have the reputation for being ethnocentric and stupid.

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From Bill Littlejohn, a last word on the BCS championship. After Monday’s 21-0 shellacking at the hands of Alabama, LSU actually received a first place vote in the final poll. Isn’t that like Custer receiving a first place vote after Little Big Horn?

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Tough ladies.

January 13, 2012

Demi Moore, 49, who recently ended her marriage to Ashton Kutcher, 33, is now apparently dating a 26 year old male model. Just one thing to say – “You go girl!”

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Michelle Obama is denying reports in a recent book of tension between her and White House aides. The First Lady says people have tried to portray her as “some kind of angry black woman.” And she says when she finds out who the liars are she is going to kill them.

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Stephen Colbert is hinting he may enter the GOP primary to run for to be “President of the United States of South Carolina.”

Apparently he’s already polling higher than Rick Perry.

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Apparently the “vulture capitalist” that GOP rivals (and no doubt Democrats in the fall) are using against Mitt Romney phrase was most famously used against Meg Whitman by HER GOP rival Steve Poizner in 2010 Poizner’s strategist? Stuart Stevens, who is now advising Romney’s campaign. Karma is one mean, smart bitch..

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John McCain, who just said choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate was “the best decision” he had ever made, now says the “Citizens United” Supreme Court ruling was “one of the worst decisions I have ever seen.” Well, one out of two’s not bad.

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Apparently the weekend before his arrest, when the school knew about the investigation, Jerry Sandusky was watching Penn State play from the president’s box at Beaver Stadium. Anyone still think the school should have hired a new coach from within? (As Shakespeare would say “Something was rotten in the state of Pennsylvania.”)

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A “Titanic Memorial Cruise” on the MS Balmoral from Southampton, England, on April 8 is sold out. (The ship will actually sail to the site of the ship’s sinking April 15, the actual 100th anniversary.) On that night presumably women on the cruise will be told not to skip dessert.

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U.S. airlines have raised prices $20. Shocking. Not the added cost. But the fact they are calling it a fare hike, not a fuel surcharge, or winter tax, or seat fee, or something….

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Just how nasty are Gingrich’s anti-Romney ads? Newt seems so upset with Mitt you’d think they used to be married to each other.

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Dominique Strauss-Kahn is being investigated for his ties to a French prostitution ring. His defense is that he was “totally unaware” that the women he met in swinger sessions were prostitutes. Said Strauss-Kahn’s lawyer. “I defy you to tell the difference between a naked prostitute and any other naked woman.” In related news, Bill Clinton asked President Obama to appoint him Ambassador to France.

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Scavenger hunting.

January 12, 2012

Mitt Romney is denying allegations that he is a “vulture capitalist.” He has a point, vultures only take as much as they need to survive.

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Manny Ramirez says if some MLB team gives him another chance he could be a role model. Uh, hasn’t Manny already been a role model. As in “No matter how much God-given talent you have, if you’re lazy or a cheat you can f*ck it up.”

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Glenn Beck threw out his back by bending over a coffee table. Beck will be back on air as soon as he can figure out how to blame this on President Obama.

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Apparently while Governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney pushed for science to be included in the state’s testing system. If this leaks out Romney may lose his lead in the GOP primary.

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The media are making much of a new poll saying Tim Tebow is America’s favorite athlete. But to achieve that status, Tebow was chosen by 3.0% (yes three percent) of those polled. To put that in perspect, Newt Gingrich got 9.0% in New Hampshire.

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Flip Saunders, head coach of the Washington Wizards, says that he thinks his young star John Wall picked up “too many bad habits” while playing in the summer league. What, as opposed to the bad habits Wall has picked up playing for the woeful Wizards?

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A new study published on the Public Library of Science says men and women are “basically different species.” In other equally shocking news, Tim Tebow just might be very thankful to his “Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

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The Federal Reserve just announced that the final weeks of 2011 were the economy’s strongest. This is good news for anyone who isn’t running for the GOP Presidential nomination.

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SI.com has come out with their Top 20 college football rankings. For NEXT season. Shockingly an SEC team – LSU – is ranked #1. But USC is second, Oregon is third. (Stanford is #20.) Gentlemen, start your bowl lobbying.

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Hostess Brands, the makers of Twinkies, has declared bankruptcy for the second time in ten years. There are rumors the company may be forced to liquidate. Although the Twinkies they have produced should survive for at least another decade.

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ESPN reports Penn State University president Rodney Erickson will be talking to alums today in Pittsburgh, “some of whom aren’t happy about the way the school handled” the Sandusky scandal, the firing of Paterno, etc…. “Some?” Really? Find me ONE alum who thinks the school did a good job.
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Is this an omen? Tim Tebow and the Broncos are taking on the New England Patriots this Saturday night. For competing programming ABC is airing “Wipeout.”

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A L.A. County sheriff’s deputy has been arrested and charged with smuggling drugs into jail inside a burrito. Now there’s a concept, marijuana filled burritos – it’s one way to get buyers hungry enough to finish a whole one.

If you are reading this and like sports humor especially, highly recommend Dwight Perry’s “Sideline Chatter” in the Seattle Times. (In this column from Wednesday he took one of my jokes too.)

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/sidelinechatter/2017205546_chat11.html#.Tw6RugcUYHM.facebook

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Another night, another California overtime loss for Miami. The Heat lost 95 to 89 to the Clippers after Miami shot 20 of 34 from the free throw line. (.588.) “C’mon guys, it’s not that hard.” – commented Shaquille O’Neal.

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Bowled over. Finally.

January 11, 2012

Finally.

Not saying bowl season goes on too long, but even many guys had to be thinking, Ah heck, enough, let’s switch to the channel where the guy gets to choose between all the hot scantily clad chicks.

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Monday night’s LSU-Alabama rematch was the lowest-rated BCS title game ever. Rumor has it at some point ESPN thought about turning the game over to Versus.

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But really, this stretched out BCS is becoming a joke. Why, the January 9 final meant that even the major bowl game schedule lasted longer than most folks’ New Year’s resolutions.

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T.C’s BCS comments: The BCS Championship game was so boring that Dr.Pepper is rumored to be withdrawing it’s sponsorship. Red Bull is signing up right away.

My vote for MVPs? Both kickers. Bama’s place kicker and LSU’s punter.

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Actually the only player with less to do this week than LSU’s placekicker? The New Orleans’ Saints punter.

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The Golden State Warriors were down 17 points tonight to the Miami Heat, and down 84-72 after the third. And they won 111-106 in OT. Wow. Who knew Lebron and company were already in playoff form.

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This line isn’t original, but kudos to Jim Harbaugh for maintaining a sense of humor. When asked how it felt to watch the Saints rack up 626 yards in offense last weekend, the 49ers coach responded “It makes me go to bed and sleep like a baby. I wake up every hour crying.”

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Who’d a thunk two months ago that Tim Tebow would last longer in a NFL leadership position than Hue Jackson?

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Jon Huntsman failed to qualify for the ballot in Arizona, because the the nomination paper submitted on his behalf did not include the required notarized signature. And Huntsman’s supposed to be the smart one?

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On the other hand, another great campaign moment. Rick Santorum sent out an email to his supporters talking about waiting for the polls to open in New Hampshire. Except he sent it at 645p EST tonight. (Are we sure he didn’t inhale.)

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And how bad was Rick Perry’s N.H. performance? The Texas Governor could probably actually count all his votes.

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John McCain said last night that picking Sarah Palin his running mate was “still the best decision I’ve ever made.” Of course, this could be pandering. Or it could mean America dodged a bullet by not electing a man who now appears too old to be president.

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Robert Griffin III told Baylor today he was going pro. Bears’ coaches weren’t sure at first if that meant entering the NFL draft or transferring to an SEC school.

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A new Facebook app allows users to post a carefully constructed message to the world in the event of their death. Bummer for all those who might have used such an app on MySpace.

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Does this really need a punchline? Kim Kardashian who made a Super Bowl commercial for Skechers (a sneaker company) last year, has been replaced in this year’s commercial by a French bulldog.

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All these GOP candidates lambasting Mitt Romney for saying he likes to fire people. Makes me almost wish Donald Trump was still running.

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Congratulations to Mitt Romney for winning the New Hampshire primary. Now Mitt willl be increasingly campaigning against the President’s promised “hope and change.” And with Romney’s positions, you don’t need to hope, you KNOW they’ll change.

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Boring Contrived System.

January 10, 2012

Okay, I apologize in advance for this first joke.

If only Hurricane Katrina had made as little forward progress in New Orleans as LSU’s offense.

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But really? Best two teams in the country? For most of the game both LSU and Alabama didn’t even look like the best teams in the SEC.

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Open note to BCS apologists – both of you. So LSU and Alabama had the best records by some determined strength of schedule and only one game was needed. By that token we should have eliminated the wild card games NFL games last weekend and the next two weeks – Just go directly to a Packers-Patriots Super Bowl after a month off.

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For the very casual football fan in Louisiana. Yes, the Saints and LSU play the same game. It just doesn’t look like it.

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Most embarrassing night for LSU where arrests were not involved.

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Question I would like to have seen asked by a sideline reporter to any of tonight’s players. “So, after this is all over, are you looking forward to getting back to classes?”

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Jerry Perisho’s great pre-game comment: “Monday night, it’s LSU versus Alabama in the OMG It’s Finally About To Be Done Bowl.”

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Whatever you think of Pac 12 football, does anyone think that Andrew Luck and the Stanford offense against Alabama wouldn’t have least been able to end up in the same zip code as the end zone?

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For anyone who wondered, is this the best matchup college football can do? The South may not have won the Civil War but they sure won with the BCS process.

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Battle cry of the unfortunate LSU offense tonight: “Occupy Alabama territory.” (In retrospect, the defenders of the Alamo looked less out-manned.)

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After switching over to “the Bachelor, must say, many of the women definitely look more aggressive tonight than the LSU offense.

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Todd Palin endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. This is a surprise to many people who didn’t realize Todd knew who was running.

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Apparently on the latest episode of the Kardashian reality show (isn’t that an oxymoron?), Kim complains: ” Sometimes I wish I’d have just one day of peace.” This will happen only when the Kardashians figure out how to make a profit on “one day of peace.”

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Tim Tebow gets a contract bonus of $250,000 for his playoff win. Another reason many men don’t like the guy, he probably won’t spend any of that money on beer and women.

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Okay this shouldn’t be funny, but. There is a story today about a leopard killing a man in a city in eastern India. According to the AP the victim was a 50-year-old lawyer who was outside talking on his cellphone.

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They’ve starting voted in New Hampshire. Mitt Romney looks likely to win. But his voters appear as enthusiastic as most people do about choosing to spend holidays with their in-laws.

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A alleged wannabe suicide bomber was arrested in Tampa over the weekend. The man apparently never got close to actually carrying out his plot. But wonder if local law enforcement and the FBI didn’t think about letting him have a go at an otherwise empty Tropicana Field.

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Big news in the White House, Bill Daley leaving his position to head back to Chicago. The big news. When anyone in politics from Chicago leaves a position without the police being involved.

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3 16

January 9, 2012

Yes, you cannot make this “stuff” up, Tim Tebow threw for 3 16 yards tonight. Coincidentally the number of his favorite bible verse.

Not to be confused with Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite 3 16 – three 16 year olds. (Okay, okay, so the alleged victim was 20. He was 28.)

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But really, First play in overtime. Okay, that’s it, God is just f*cking with us.

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John Elway has to be feeling pretty good about telling Tim Tebow to “”pull the trigger.” But if John’s going to toss around phrases like that, it’s probably a good thing the Broncos hadn’t traded for Plaxico Burress.

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Fortunately a Denver-New Orleans Super Bowl is still a longshot. Because what’s God going to do if and when Tebow faces the Saints?

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All this talk about Tim Tebow thinking he’s God. Clearly for much of Sunday the critics were wrong. Tebow didn’t think he is God, he though he was Steve Young.

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From T.C “Big Ben supposedly heard muttering to himself as he left the field after 1 play in OT – There is no God.”
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Anyone watch the Godaddy.com Bowl? Yeah, me neither.

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All this talk about if Atlanta had only not gone for those two 4th and inches plays…. The way I see it, that would have made the score 24-9.

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Kiefer Sutherland said that filming on the new “24” movie will start in the spring. Presumably the first scenes will be shot between 9:00 and 10:00am.

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry said today he’s not giving up on the GOP presidential primary. And compared himself to the fighters who rode back into the Alamo. Now, I wholeheartedly honor those brave Texans who fought in San Antonio, but does Perry know they all ended up dead?

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Beyonce named her baby girl, “Blue Ivy.” So when did they print the memo that says that if you’re a celebrity it’s your duty to name your kids something stupid?

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Poor Kristen Wiig. Not that her career is doing that badly with “Bridesmaids” and SNL. But watching her again on “Weekend Update” reminded me that her Michele Bachmann impersonation, which she won’t have much call to do now, is ALMOST as good as Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin.

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Think we can now safely rule out a Newt-Mitt ticket: Gingrich on Romney’s saying that he was a one-term Gov.in Mass. because he wanted to return to private life. “Could we drop a little bit of the pious baloney?? You had a very bad re-election rating; you dropped out…. You were running for president while you were governor, you were out of state consistently.”

(You do have to love a man who has been married three times but still endorses the Defense of Marriage Act telling ANYONE to “cut the pious baloney.”)

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And yes, we Stanford fans need to get over it. Eventually. But let’s see, in this past week at the end of a tie game, we’ve now seen a coach with the best QB in college go conservative and run, and a coach with one of the worst QBs in the NFL risk disaster by going for the big pass….

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Saints be praised.

January 8, 2012

For anyone who wanted to see what Andrew Luck would be like with really good receivers, I refer you to highlights of Drew Brees tonight against the Lions.

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Not to say the Saints were unstoppable. But in the second half, they were scoring faster than Tiger Woods during his marriage in a room full of waitresses.

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Barry J. Sanders, who committed today to Stanford, said he looks forward to playing with other great “student-athletes.” The number one response from most other top high-school football recruits? “What’s a student-athlete?”

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Amazing thought. When this season started, Houston QB T.J. Yates was further down the depth chart than Tim Tebow.

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By the time most people read this, Saturday night’s GOP debate will have been eclipsed by Sunday morning’s debate. If eclipsed is the right word. But for now, so much for the rest of the GOP field beating up on Mitt Romney. The Detroit Lions defense did a better job against Drew Brees.

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Apparently catcher Jorge Posada has decided to retire from playing Major League Baseball. Many fans who watched the Yankees play in 2010 think he already did.

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An actual serious post, Jan 8 is the one-year anniversary of the horrible shooting in Tucson that killed six people and critically injured Congresswoman Gabby Giffords. While recovering, Giffords hasn’t decided whether or not to run again in 2012. Here’s a thought, let her husband run, hold the seat for two years, and then step down assuming she has recovered sufficiently by 2014.

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Headline about newly published “The Obamas’: Book Reveals Friction Between Rahm Emanuel, Michelle Obama.” Uh, really? Wouldn’t it be more of a headline if Rahm Emanuel didn’t have friction with someone?

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Mitt Romney said Saturday night that it ‘pains him to fire workers in order to make a company more profitable.” Sounds like the grownup version of the old parents’ spanking comment “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” And about as believable.

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Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., Barack Obama is working on his re-election strategy. Number one campaign objective: “More GOP debates.”

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Jon Huntsman appears to be a reasonable likable man who might, in spite of his conservative social views, get some independent and even Democratic votes in November. Yet he apparenly has no chance. Wonder if the 2012 GOP is considering changing their mascot from an elephant to a lemming.

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Ah lawyers, just got an email from a Vegas hotel titled “Score your seat to watch ‘the Big Game.'” (inside the email it says Big Game XVLI Feb. 5, 2012) Add “Super Bowl” to the list of terms that must be copyrighted.

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There’s no place like no home.

January 7, 2012

Much buzz about the fact the Tiger’s ex-wife Elin bought, then knocked down, a $12 million Florida mansion. Wonder if she got a discount on the demolition for helping out with her own golf clubs?

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Regarding that $12 million mansion Elin Nordegren bought and has had demolished, the 17,000 sq. ft. home had six bedrooms with a pool, a beach, and eight bathrooms. According to North Palm Beach town planners – Elin’s reason, it didn’t have enough space for her and her family.

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Thirty two college football bowl games down. 3 to go. Maybe time to remake that old Chicago song. “Does anybody really know what time it is. Does anybody really care?

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There are rumors that this may be Ryan Seacrest’s last year “American Idol” host..” As Seacrest’s expiring $15 million a year contract extension may be viewed as too much money. Would Ryan re-negotiate? We’ll find out, after the break.

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The Letterman’s Club, a Penn State alumni group, is upset that newly hired football head coach Bill O’Brien has is not a “Penn Stater” (i.e., someone with a history at the school.) Uh, at this point, isn’t that the best chance the university has to actually hire someone clean?

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The Sugar Bowl had a chance to take any at-large teams, and passed on Stanford. Not to mention top-ten ranked Kansas State and Arkansas. They wanted Michigan and Virginia Tech because their fans “travelled.” Total Sugar Bowl attendance, about 64,500. Total Fiesta Bowl attendance, about 69.500.

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La Redoute, a French clothing company, had an “oops” moment with a new ad on their website. It showed a photo of four children in beach clothes, but in the background off in the distance…a naked man. Guess that answers the question – “What is Jerry Sandusky doing now?”

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NBC’s entertainment chairman said the network had “a really bad fall.” What, as opposed to their really bad winter, spring and summer?

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A 17-year old from South Carolina babysitter has been arrested after giving a Xanax to 4-year old girl. Her excuse was she wanted to get the child to calm down and take a nap. Millions of Americans just hope the babysitters’s arrest doesn’t stand in the way of her pursuing a career as a flight attendant.

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A British survey found that women tell on average 474 lies a year – nine a week, about the kinds of food they eat and the amount they drink. You know what that means – the women lied to the survey takers too.

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Oregon’s LaMichael James is going to declare for the NFL draft. Undaunted, the Ducks will no doubt go down to juvenile hall to recruit another replacement.

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Mattel is coming out with Kardashian Barbie dolls. The dolls will apparently be very realistic copies of the sisters – albeit with less plastic.

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God calling?

January 6, 2012

All these candidates, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, etc who said God told them to run. Is it possible that God just really wants to make sure Barack Obama gets re-elected?

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Or maybe God just needs a new cellphone plan?

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But really, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Herman Cain all actually said God told them to run for President. Maybe the one with the direct line to God is really Jon Stewart.

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John McCain attacked Newt Gingrich for his recent attack on Romney – “I don’t think it’s appropriate to call your opponent a liar.” Actually, both McCain and Gingrich should be experts on the subject of lying – or does “Honey, I’ve been working late, I’ll be right home” not count?

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The Cubs have traded Carlos Zambrano to the Marlins. The deal requires Chicago to pay most of the temperamental pitcher’s salary, along presumably with money to cover the costs of increased clubhouse security.

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A friend sent me a message pointing out that Carlos Zambrano and Ozzie Guillen will now be in the same clubhouse. Wow. This means the Marlins could become the first MLB team with thermonuclear capability.

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Albert Pujols has signed a guaranteed 10 year $250 million deal at the age of 32, though some say he may be older. Which probably means that the Angels are paying big $$ to get at least a few really good years now, and will continue to pay when things fall apart. Sort of like an old rich guy marrying a trophy wife without a prenup.

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My friend Dallas forwards me this quote (he attributed it to Special Agent Mulder from the X-Files, but the original quote was from to Hungarian psychiatrist and SUNY professor Thomas S.Szasz.) “If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.””

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No argument here with Senator John McCain, who made this statement (no joke) at a rally tonight for Mitt Romney. “I am confident, with the leadership and the backing of the American people, President Obama will turn this country around.”

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The Boston Globe endorsed Jon Huntsman for the GOP Presidental nomination. Wonder if they would have endorsed the man Mitt Romney was as Governor of Massachusetts.

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Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren bought a $12 million mansion in North Palm Beach, Florida after her divorce, and has now demolished the place to build something new. Talk about class warfare, this is the kind of behavior that inflames the 1 percent against the 0.1 percent.

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According to USA Today, automakers are trying to outdo each other in apps for their cars, so that drivers can have more and more of the same apps that they have on their smart phones. What could possibly go wrong?

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Rick Santorum is now saying Congress should take President Obama to court for his recess appointments for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and the NLRB. (On the second, he appointed 2 Dems and 1 Republican, to keep a quorum.)

Fine, but where was Santorum when George W. Bush made his 171 recess appointments? Obama so far has made 28.
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Casey Anthony has now come out with a new look (short blond hair) and a public video diary. What, was she upset Jerry Sandusky was getting all the attention?

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Oh, father….

January 5, 2012

Los Angeles archdiocese auxiliary bishop Gabino Zavala has resigned after admitting he fathered 2 children. On a brighter note for the church, at least this means he was having sex with an adult woman.

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Michele Bachmann said she is ending her campaign for President. Not sure who is more upset, her hundreds of hard-core supporters, or the nation’s comedy writers.

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Although Michele Bachman dropped out of the GOP presidential race, she also said “”There are many more chapters to be written.” You know what that means…. yet another failed-candidate book deal.

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Iowa caucuses are not a punch a ballot kind of thing. You have to go in, listen to speeches, talk to people, etc. It can take hours. Yet 58 people in the Iowa caucuses voted for Herman Cain. Did they think they were getting a free pizza or somethng?

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The San Diego Chargers are sticking with coach Norv Turner. This is great news, for the rest of the AFC West.

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In Sonoma County, California, two CHP air officers just arrested a pilot of a single-engine plane for allegedly flying while intoxicated. In the man’s defense, he said he was training to be a commercial pilot for Delta Airlines.

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Why computer programmers should take basic geography. Checking on the Starwood website for a hotel for a client in Princeville, Kauai. The first result? The Sheraton Waikiki, 21.87 miles away. At least the site didn’t give drive time.

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Despite the results in Iowa, Rick Perry is moving ahead to South Carolina. Should we be shocked? We all know how good the Texas Governor is at math.

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Michele Bachmann said her husband Marcus spent the last day of the campaign in Iowa “buying doggie sunglasses for our dog Boomer.” Can’t imagine how those gay rumors got started.

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Rick Santorum is now calling Mitt Romney a “bland, boring career politician.” Not true, Mitt hasn’t been in office since 2006. He’s more of a “bland, boring career candidate.”

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Barack Obama today sidestepped the Senate confirmation process by using a recess appointment to make Richard Cordray the first director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. And the GOP is angry. Very angry. Gosh, does that mean Republicans in Congress might start not working with the President?

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ESPN cameras caught Stanford kicker Jordan Williamson praying on the sidelines before missing a potential game-winning kick in the Fiesta Bowl. Feel sorry for the kid but maybe he’s been too caught up in his studies and bowl preparation to have noticed – lately prayer hasn’t been working out too well on the field for Tim Tebow

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From T.C. Stanford’s place kicker would be a star punter. All his kicks seem to be locked on “left coffin corner”

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Meanwhile, Michigan’s Brendan Gibbons, who was 1 for 5 last year, won the Sugar Bowl for the Wolverines with a 37-yard field goal in overtime. He claimed he made the kick by thinking about “brunette girls.”

“Brunette girls,” huh. Does that mean Stanford’s kicker was thinking about blond girls?

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In the Orange Bowl, West Virginia beat Clemson 70-33. Well, that’s one way not to stress out your place kicker – don’t even ask him to attempt a field goal. (But give Tyler Bitancurt credit, he was 10 for 10 on extra points.)

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Caucused?

January 4, 2012

Okay, now in all seriousness, the combined votes for Romney and Santorum in the Iowa caucuses….approximately equal the population of Palo Alto, California. (Just under 59.000. Total.)

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About 120,000 voters voted period. Which is less than the population of Sunnyvale, California. (To out of state or out of country readers that’s a suburb several miles from San Jose, about 131,000 people.)

Maybe we should just move the Iowa caucuses to some small towns in California. Same number of random votes, better weather.

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Rick Santorum lost by only eight votes in Iowa. After losing his 2006 re-election to the Senate by a record margin, and saying this week he believes states have the right to ban birth control and sodomy (which, google it, includes what Bill did with Monica.) Guess this answers one question -how much do many Republicans hate Mitt Romney?

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The mud is flying fast and furious in Iowa as we approach the caucuses tonight. This probably does mean good news, however, for one candidate – President Obama.

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The Las Vegas Hilton has changed its name to “The Las Vegas Hotel & Casino,” dropping the Hilton name. Wonder how many times over the past decade the Hilton family has hoped Paris would do the same thing.

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Another potential winner in tonight’s Iowa caucuses? Hillary Clinton. Seriously. Because if she figures Obama will be re-elected but hasn’t ruled out 2016, Clinton has to be looking at this field and figure she can beat all of them with half her brain tied behind her pantsuit.

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Want to cut down on your soda consumption? How about this story, where a man is claiming to have found a mouse inside of a Mountain Dew can. Pepsi’s expert testified if a mouse HAD gotten into a can that it would have been dissolved in the soda’s acid, and transformed into a “jelly like substance.”

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Stanford coach David Shaw quoted Tuesday in the SF Chronicle: “We can’t settle for field goals against a good football team.” Uh, well then why play for one at the end?

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Happiest people in America right now, after Stanford’s snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, and following Oregon and Boise State’s earlier costly last second losses this season -any parents of a good high school kicker looking for a scholarship.

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Apparently Stanford’s kicker was “Tebowing” it in prayer on the sidelines before his end of regulation missed kick. Guess he hasn’t seen Tim’s results the past few weeks.

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From T.C. Observation on Totitos Fiesta Bowl: One player is definitely Toast(titos)in next NFL Draft – the Stanford Field Goal kicker. Somewhere a Stanford music teacher is saying, “we should have signed that kid up to play in the band!”

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Luck is not enough.

January 3, 2012

Stanford’s field goal kicker picked a bad time to turn into an honorary Seminole.

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As T.C. said, however, at least he didn’t miss wide right.

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Just imagining a tie NFL game with Brees, Brady or Rodgers and 52 seconds to go with three time outs on the opponents 25 yard line…. Can’t imagine a coach playing for the field goal.

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To be fair, Williamson had been good earlier in the year. If he had had a game like this in the regular season they might not have been in a BCS bowl. (See Boise State.)

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Andrew Luck almost did it all tonight. Too bad he couldn’t kick.

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Think it’s time to declare a moratorium on Tiger Woods’ appearance as a Stanford honorary co-captain. The time before tonight’s loss was November 2009, when the heavily-favored Cardinal was upset by Cal in the Big Game. And then there was that little Thanksgiving incident in the same month.

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Weird grumpy Fiesta Bowl trivial fact – Oklahoma State never led in regulation.

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We’re coming to the end of Capitol One Bowl Week, which started about December 17. And they wonder why football players are bad at math.

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All this hype about Iowa. And the total number of people who will vote in the caucuses will be fewer than a capacity crowd at Cowboys Stadium.

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Rick Santorum thinks he is the most electable conservative. Considering he lost his last Senate bid by 18 % (largest margin ever for a GOP senator from Pennsylvania), it sounds like his math is as good as Rick Perry’s.

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Online Bloomingdale’s ad for the “Last Day of Our After Christmas Sale.” Fully expect tomorrow to see the ad somewhere “Only 358 shopping days until next Christmas.”

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A confident Mitt Romney on the eve of the Iowa Caucuses – “We’re going to win this thing with all of our passion and strength.” This might be the first time “Romney” and “passion” have appeared in the same sentence.

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Riddle me this…

January 1, 2012

Why do Dallas Cowboys fans have the biggest flat screen televisions?

Because for years they haven’t had to waste money on playoff tickets.

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And yes, for the third time in four years, the Dallas Cowboys will not be in the playoffs. No punchline, I just like writing this.

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Newt Gingrich is now blaming his fall in the Iowa polls on being “Romney-boated.” After blaming his failure to get enough signatures to be on the Virginia ballot on a staffer’s fraud. If this GOP nomination thing doesn’t work out, Gingrich has a great chance of being hired to lobby for the California Whine Industry.

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Contrary to popular belief God did not desert Tebow today. He just watched the Raiders play defense and decided to save His energy for a day Tim actually needed His help.

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Rick Santorum, who is criticizing Romney in his TV ads for being too liberal, endorsed Mitt in the 2008 GOP presidential primaries as the “clear conservative candidate.” Who knew – Romney’s flip-flopping is turning out to be contagious.

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How can Aaron Rodgers hope to win the MVP when he may not even be the best QB on his own team?

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Newt Gingrich said Mitt Romney would buy the presidency if he could. And Mitt allegedly tried to bet him $10,000 that wasn’t true.

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Okay, you know your team doesn’t have much of a football reputation when…. Overhead at San Francisco Airport, which is full of people in red – one pilot telling another “So much red, must be a lot of Wisconsin Rose Bowl fans.” Not exactly. Go Stanford Cardinal!

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Locals in the Phoenix area seem very supportive of Stanford. But makes sense Cardinal/Cardinals, whatever…. they’re just pleased to see a team in red actually playing in the postseason.

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Lebron James is engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Savannah Brinson, after proposing last night. Well, at least one of them now has a ring.

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In Coventry, England, a display model of Apple’s Siri apparently told a child to “Shut the f*ck up” Many frequent travelers heard this story and hoped that’s what happens when you put the phone in airplane mode.

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Happy New Year.

January 1, 2012

And this wish is not mine but it’s still my favorite for New Year’s Eve – “May your troubles last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions.”

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And okay Cubs fans, it’s officially time to whip out your 2012 edition “Wait Until Next Year” t-shirts.

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Texas A & M, which had lost its last five bowl games, won the Meinke Car Care Bowl 33-22 over Northwestern, which has now lost its last nine bowl games. They should have called it the “Something’s Got to Give” bowl.

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The outdoor game known as the NHL Winter Classic, coming up on January 2, has become one of the most eagerly awaited events in the hockey world. Maybe some day the league will be brave enough to play at Candlestick Park in July, and call it the NHL Summer Classic.

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Starting tomorrow, a new California law means children under 4’9″ must be in car booster seats. While many children will find this embarrassing, parents of boys looking for a new seat at least have the option of purchasing the Doug Flutie model.

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And as my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “The good news? Snooki has to ride in a booster seat.”

A Canadian DJ, Marcel Williams, has announced he has fulfilled his “no-sex for a year” 2010 New Year’s resolution. “No sex for a year?” Trekkies the world over responded “amateur!”

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There’s something about a logo…. (Not making this up.) In Japan, Wendy’s is opening fast food restaurants that feature a $16 foie gras and truffle topped burger. Because nothing says luxury like Wendy’s Hamburgers?

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Aided by a number of personal negative ads he can disavow as coming from an “Independent” PAC, Mitt Romney is now leading in Iowa. Looks like that added to having the natural charm of John Kerry, Mitt’s trying to adopt the honor code of Richard Nixon.

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Kelly Clarkson’s album sales surged after she Tweeted her endorsement of Ron Paul for President. Several other young singers thought of following her lead, but first they have to figure out who Ron Paul is.

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Really?

December 31, 2011

Mitt Romney compared President Obama to Marie Antoinette as a way to say the President is out of touch with everyday Americans. Really? Mitt Romney saying Obama is out of touch is like Herman Cain saying Bill Clinton is a lousy husband.

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Mitt Romney’s son Matt said that his father would release his tax returns as soon as President Obama releases his birth certificate and other records. Guess the kids are as “in touch” as their dad.

Virginia Tech’s place kicker was already suspended for his part in a home invasion. Now his backup has been sent home for missing a 1:00 a.m. curfew. Who do these kids think they are? Cincinnati Bengals?

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From the very funny Jim Barach: “Jon Huntsman calls Ron Paul “unelectable”. Which is like Paris Hilton saying that Kim Kardashian can’t act.”

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Newt Gingrich now says he would have made it on the Virginia ballot, but “We hired somebody who turned in false signatures. We turned in 11,100 – we needed 10,000 – 1,500 of them were by one guy who frankly committed fraud.”

Okay, fair enough, but if true this is a man who wants the responsibility of hiring a whole Cabinet and White House staff?

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Newt Gingrich just said in a tele-town hall that he would consider choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate. Even John McCain is saying “Uh, is this guy getting senile?”

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So last night did Baylor football coach Art Briles tell his team “Well boys, if we hold them under 60 points we have a chance to win this thing?”

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ESPN’s Skycam camera fell to the field during tonights’s Insight Bowl between Iowa and Oklahoma. Funny, you’d think if one of the things would have crashed it would have been from all that back and forth down the field in the Alamo Bowl.

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Russell Brand and Katy Perry are divorcing, only 14 months after they married. I’ve got an idea. All those DOMA people trying to defend the institution. Maybe they should lay off the gays and try to ban celebrity marriages.

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Verizon decided to charge customers 2 dollars to pay their bills on line. Even Netflix is thinking “how dumb can you be?”

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This just in, Verizon has rescinded their new planned $2 fee to pay online due to “customer feedback.” And as to the executives who came up with the idea? The U.S. unemployment rate has probably increased by at least one.

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Or maybe we finally found out who hired the guy whose bright idea was New Coke.

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Another thought on Verizon’s little proposed $2 fee fiasco, I guess we know the answer when it was customers asking the question -“Can you hear me now?”

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Still dead?

December 29, 2011

It’s December 29, and Generalissmo Francisco Franco and Kim Jong Il are still dead.

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Along perhaps, with the Mavericks chances of repeating as NBA champions?

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Nascar driver Kasey Kahne tweeted about being offended by seeing a breastfeeding mother. Therefore solidifying his place for most woman as an all-time big boob.

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This just in – Valero is taking back their sponsorship of the Alamo Bowl, saying they were under the impression they were sponsoring a college game, not arena football.

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At time of posting Baylor and Washington may have combined for more points than UCLA and Stanford – in men’s college basketball.

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And a quick note to any reader who might have wondered if I was giving up this week. Not exactly. But have had very little access to internet, and almost no real news. (Yes, I realize this last puts me in the ranks of regular Fox News viewers.)

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