Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category
July 14, 2013
Just guessing that no one will question Buster Posey catching Tim Lincecum again?
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The first San Diego batter of the night against Tim Lincecum was a nine-pitch at bat before he finally grounded out. And SF Giants announcers talked about a small strike zone. Over-under had to be about a five inning start, at best?
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If Ho Lee Fuk is not an Asiana Airlines pilot he might be a #SFGiants fan watching Tim Lincecum pitch tonight.
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George Zimmerman is a free man. And he’s single. Hey, Casey Anthony is available.
(So anyone want to hire Zimmerman as their neighborhood watch captain?)
For that matter, now that Zimmerman is free and can keep his gun, who volunteers to have him as a neighbor? (My guess, no one with teenage kids.)
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“Fruitvale Station”, about the Oscar Grant Bart shooting, is already getting Oscar buzz. So does this mean someday there might be a critically acclaimed movie about Trayvon Martin.
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Dwight Howard says he’s looking forward to a “fresh start” in Houston. The guy is one more alienated team and fan base away from being the Manny Ramirez of basketball.
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LSU’s star running back Jeremy Hill pleaded guilty to misdemeanor battery during a bar fight this April. The deal that will keep him out of jail. Have to assume the team will add an additional punishment, like making him sit out the Kent State game.
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23 injured in Saturday’s “Running of the Bulls.” Hey, think we can convince the Texas Legislature that this might be a fun sport for them to try in Austin?
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Apparently smartphone thefts are one of the fasting growing crimes in this country. My solution: have a Blackberry. No one wants to steal the thing.
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Star basketball guard, Marshall Henderson, now suspended from Old Miss, was on his , fourth college. And this suspension was the result of “multiple” failed drug tests. It’s all part of the NCAA’s “10 strikes and you’re out program.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, ho lee fuk jokes, Janice Hough, Lincecum jokes, no-hitter jokes, sf giants. George Zimmerman jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 13, 2013
KTVU, the San Francisco Bay Area station that had been touting their first and best coverage of the Asiana airlines crash, ended up caught with a name prank that might not have fooled many high school substitute teachers, and Friday read the names of the pilots on the doomed flight as “Sum Ting Wong, ” “Wi Tu Lo”, “Ho Lee Fuk” and “Bang Ding Ow.”
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So after today will the station change its name to K.T.V.Oops? #KTVU #HoLeeFuk
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So when someone gets fired this weekend from #KTVU, wonder how many offers they’ll get from various shows on #ComedyCentral?
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So what was more unlikely? That KTVU, a major news station, would fall for a really juvenile prank . Or that the SF Giants would score 10 runs Friday night?
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: At the Texas capitol while the abortion bill is being debated, state troopers are confiscating women’s tampons and maxi pads as potential projectiles. Guns, however, are allowed. Your move, Florida.
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Ariel Castro, the Cleveland kidnapping suspect now faces 977 counts against him. Amazing they couldn’t figure out how to go for an even thousand.
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A new study found that eating probiotic yogurts may help with symptoms of depression and anxiety. But women already know there’s a food that accomplishes that – it’s called “chocolate.”
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San Diego Mayor Bob Filner’s fiancee broke up with him this week, after Filner admitted he had behaved badly with women who worked for him. The Republican Party of San Diego cheered her move on its Facebook page, saying “she deserves better.” Somehow we all missed it when the GOP said the same thing about Maria Shriver.
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PETA wants the Tampa Bay Rays to remove its rays “touch tank”, located behind the center field wall at Tropicana Field. PETA feels the fish are in danger after Miguel Cabrera hit the second home run in 6 years that splashed into the tank. (No fish were hurt either time.) What’s next, asking the SF Giants to put a cover over the bay to protect fish from their splash hits?
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The Senate Democratic leader in Texas says he has stopped state troopers from confiscating women’s tampons at the door of the Capitol. What persuasion did he use? “If tampons are outlawed, only outlaws will have tampons?”
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Yet another Dreamliner issue, this time a fire on an empty Ethiopian 787 parked at Heathrow airport. Sort of puts a whole new slant on “nonsmoking” and “smoking” sections.
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The Canadian Football League is into the third week of its season, and there haven’t been any active players arrested yet. Alas, more ammunition for those who say the CFL isn’t real pro football.
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So Edward Snowden, who originally said he would not seek asylum in Russia after Putin made no further leaks a condition, now says through a spokesman that he could accept the condition, and that he “does not intend to damage U.S. interests given that he is a patriot of his country.” Translation, Snowden’s done some research on what it would be like living in Venezuel
A popular new dish in Colombia is “pork belly tater tots.” Is this the poor man’s version of a Cardiac Stress Test?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: asiana jokes, ho lee fuk jokes, Janice Hough, ktvu jokes
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July 12, 2013
Millions of Americans seem far more invested in the All-Star game voting than in political elections. But to be fair, almost all the baseball candidates offer a decent chance at a good performance.
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19.7 million votes for Freddie Freeman in just a few days. Maybe to increase U.S. voter participation we should give Americans bonus All-Star votes?
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After he was accused of sexual harassment, San Diego mayor Bob Filner today apologized for his behavior, saying he failed to respect women who work for him. Surprised Filner didn’t say he was just preparing to be Governor of California.
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The Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with their neighborhood to install the first Jumbotron at Wrigley Field. Wonder if part of the agreement the Cubs reminding residents that they wouldn’t have to deal with the scoreboard after March and starting in October.
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No more World Peace in Los Angeles? And anyone who isn’t an NBA fan responds “And your point is?” (Or, as if World Peace ever stood a chance in Los Angeles?)
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On the front page of Palo Alto Daily Post today “Correction – (name withheld on this blog), 51, of Palo Alto, was not fully nude when police say he was seen performing lewd acts on himself while bicycling through Seale Park on Thursday. Only a portion of his anatomy was exposed, leading to the arrest, police said.” Well I’m sure the man is glad they cleared that up..
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Michael Weiner, director of the MLB players union said that leaks about the Bigenesis-PED investigation “threaten to harm the integrity” of the drug agreement. Shocking, someone believes there was any “integrity” in the drug agreement?
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Derek Jeter was removed in the eighth inning from his first game of the season due to tightness in his quad. Or maybe the Yankees was just rushing to make the “Early Bird Special.”
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The pilot of the Asiana plane that crashed at SFO now says that a flash of light temporarily blinded him 34 seconds before impact, when the plane was already way too low and slow. Guess there were no lifeboats he could claim to have been pushed into?
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Already on probation for assaulting a police officer in 2012, Patriots CB Alfonzo Dennard was arrested for alleged DUI this morning. Looking like a good thing New England signed Tebow – they’ll need all the prayers they can get.
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Story now is that Dwight Howard was unhappy with the Los Angeles Lakers because he felt Kobe should have passed the torch. Okay, and how dumb is it to go into a situation expecting Kobe to pass ANYTHING?
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The judge in the George Zimmerman case agreed that jurors can consider the lesser charge of manslaughter. Which may or may not help the prosecutors win their case. But it does make them smarter than their compatriots who went after Casey Anthony.
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Apparently police are on alert in Orlando for the verdict in the Zimmerman trial.
Depending on the verdict, Central Florida could see the biggest riots since – a – Walt Disney World raised prices, or b – Denny’s raised the prices on their “Early Bird Special.”
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Today, 7/11, is “Free Slurpee Day” at 7/11. What does it say about this country when
some people can’t be bothered to vote, but they line up for free frozen sugar water….
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In the never-ending discussion of whether men or women are more intelligent, I give you the annual week long “Running of the Bulls” in Pamplona, Spain, and the gender breakdown of the human runners….. Nuff said.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All Star game jokes Florida jokes, baseball jokes, George Zimmerman jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 10, 2013
Oakland Raiders’ LB Kaluka Maiava has been charged with assault after a fight earlier this year in a Maui bar. Gosh, and there goes the NFL’s streak of about 72 hours since the last arrest.
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Let’s hope SF Giants get it together soon. Otherwise the seagulls who fly into A T and T Park to hunt for garbage might fly away with half the team’s outfield.
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Sarah Palin may run for the Senate in 2014. Apparently she’s decided it would be a great place to spend three years of her life..
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Actual notice on a FedEx wine shipment. “Do not deliver to an intoxicated person.” Great, what do we need now? Drivers with portable breathalyzers?
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Now a video has surfaced of Justin Bieber urinating into a restaurant mop bucket. I know the singer is young, but is he trying to prove he’s old enough for Lindsay Lohan?
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Have no real reason to suspect Chris Davis of PEDs, but for all those who say, “He MUST be clean because he has spoken so stridently against them,” see Ryan Braun and Rafael Palmeiro.
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Pitcher Chad Gaudin, now with the SF Giants, formerly with the Yankees, has been charged with “open and gross lewdness” for making advances and groping a woman in a Las Vegas hospital this January. Who did Gaudin think he was? Joe Namath?
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Wal-Mart is threatening not to open three planned stores in Washington, D.C. if the city goes ahead with raising the minimum wage to $12.50 an hour. Well, and why not? Why should government interfere with the right of a corporation to pay as little as possible when food stamps and Medicaid are available?
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They may have swept the Giants but they’re still the Mets: The NY Mets drastically scaled back Native American Heritage day when they realized they were to host Atlanta the same day. Because they didn’t want to offend the Braves. So now they offended the actual Indians, who pulled out of the event.
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Pat Robertson says he would like to see a “Vomit” button on Facebook for photos of gay couples. Funny, because millions of gay and straight couples would like to see a “Vomit’ button for pictures of Pat Robertson
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Former Florida State OL Menelik Watson just got his ACC championship ring on Wednesday. Except that it read “2012 SEC Champions.”
Two reactions: At the jewelry company – “FSU football players can read?” At Ohio State – “Darn, a ring with a mistake would have fetched more money.”
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House Speaker John Boehner says the House will not even vote on the bipartisan immigration bill passed by the Senate 68-32. Apparently they’re too busy with symbolic abortion bills and repeals of Obamacare.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: NY Jets coach, Rex Ryan, participated in Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls; )or as the bulls call it: Goring of the Drunken Idiots.) There was a huge, crazed animal destroying everything in its path, and besides Rex Ryan, there was a bull.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Boehner jokes, Janice Hough, NFL arrest jokes, NFL jokes, Pat Robertson jokes, Walmart jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
July 10, 2013
Reports are that MLB will suspend as many as 20 active players for PEDs, including Ryan Braun and A-Rod, possibly on the day after the All-Star Game. So much for ESPN trying to fill a slow sports news day.
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Just wondering, after last year and with the Biogenesis story lurking in MLB’s background has Bud Selig suggested to Jim Leyland that he NOT put Bartolo Colon in position to be the All-Star Game MVP?
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In an obituary published in the Columbus Dispatch, longtime fan Scott E. Entsminger, 55. requested “six Cleveland Browns pall bearers so the Browns can let him down one last time.” I see a new marketing opportunity for the Chicago Cubs.
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The Los Angeles Lakers had the highest luxury tax in the NBA last year – over $29 million. Really. And not even a senior discount?
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Details details… So IF Snowden decides to accept asylum in Venezuela, the flights between Moscow and Caracus go through Frankfurt, Paris, Rome, Madrid Miami, JFK or Madrid. All of which require a valid passport for transit. Oops. Add to the list of things Snowden should have thought through…. talking to a good travel agent.
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Barnes and Noble announced the resignation of their CEO today. Shocking! Barnes and Noble is still in business?
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So in the George Zimmerman circus, er, trial, now the defense planned to introduce evidence that Trayvon Martin had marijuana in his system at the time of his death. Because we all know how energetic and aggressive smoking pot makes you?
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After Dwight Howard said he would sign with Houston, the Rockets GM went on Twitter and TV to talk about it. Which is apparently against rules during the July 1-10 free agent moratorium.. So the NBA fined the team $150,000. Right. And flopping is $5,000…. Ah priorities.
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-A new rock bottom? San Francisco Giants don’t need a trade. They need a 12-step program.
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TC trying to top my last week’s groaner about Morsi – that his countrymen thought “He Gypped” them:
“Egypt’s President Mohammed Morsi has been overthrown by the country’s military. Of course he’s still in DeNile.”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biogenesis jokes, Chicago Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Snowden jokes
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July 9, 2013
Aaron Hernandez’s likeness has been removed from the video games NCAA Football 14 and Madden NFL 25. Though he might be added to the latest versions of Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat.
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Spitzer, Weiner, Sanford…. Let’s hope somewhere someone is saying “Don’t even think about it,” to John Edwards.
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George Clooney and Stacy Keiber have announced their split up. So congrats to all those who had July 8 in the pool.
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During a rehab start in Single-A, A-Rod was hit by a pitch. A reporter then asked the pitcher’s grandmother about the Yankees’ star. “I think he thinks he’s kind of a hotshot. I don’t care for his personality. He just thinks he’s better than the other boys.” Who says the elderly lose cognitive abilities.
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Whole Foods has recalled a cheese that over a bacterial infection that has sickened dozens and killed at least one person. And millions of Americans are thinking “how often is that that you literally can’t afford to have gotten sick?
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Speaking of sick. .. Hostess has announced that to extend the snack cakes shelf-life they will now freeze Twinkies before delivering them to stores. What, because otherwise they’d only last five or six decades, tops?
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Post-Wimbledon headline from the U.K Telegraph today: “The most painful wait in sport is over.” No response yet from Chopped Liver Stadium aka Wrigley Field.
Rick Perry says he will not run for a fourth term as Texas Governor Did someone just tell him women can vote?
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An Amtrak train bound from New York to Miami was stuck on the tracks near Richmond, VA for 14 hours and passengers were not allowed to leave. Some complained of balky toilets and intermittent air conditioning. Is Amtrak trying to become travel partners with Carnival Cruise Lines?
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LSU’s leading rusher Jeremy Hill was formally charged today with misdemeanor simple battery over an April bar fight. Apparently this could pose problems for the 2013 since Hill is on probation from a 2012 plea for “misdemeanor carnal knowledge of a juvenile.” The lengths some of these young men will go to prove they are NFL ready.
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NY Jets coach Rex Ryan apparently joined the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain yesterday. Was Ryan trying to prove he could do something stupider than trusting Mark Sanchez?
(Says Alex Schubert, “he was just excited because he knew that running involved feet.”)
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Robert Kraft on Aaron Hernandez: “If any member of the New England Patriots organization is close enough to a murder investigation to actually get arrested – whether it be for obstruction of justice or the crime itself – it is too close to an unthinkable act for that person to be part of this organization going forward.” How much do we want to see Kraft interviewed this fall by new ESPN analyst Ray Lewis?
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When Dwight Howard left for Houston, apparently Kobe Bryant stopped following him on Twitter. Seriously? Hard to imagine Kobe following anyone.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Aaron Hernandez jokes, Janice Hough, Spitzer jokes, Twinkies jokes
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July 7, 2013
Congrats to Andy Murray. First British winner of Wimbledon since 1936. Or as Cubs fans call that – “Only Yesterday.”
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Just how much does Murray’s #Wimbledon win mean in Britain? If William & Kate’s baby was born Sunday night it might have been only the 2nd story on the news.
(my friend Rick suggests, and it might have had to been named Andy.)
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There were a lot more Los Angeles Dodgers fans at A T and T Park in San Francisco yesterday than there appeared to be Djokovic fans at Wimbledon.
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It was 86 degrees today at Wimbledon, wondering where the Mad Dogs were?
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The Green Bay Packers now say they want to retire Brett Favre’s jersey no later than the 2016 season. Or presumably sooner, so he doesn’t un-retire again.
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Now it’s Eliot Spitzer on the comeback trail, apparently running for New York City Comptroller. So if he and Anthony Weiner win assume the city goes from an “I LOVE NY” tourism campaign to “I LUST NY”?
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Also in the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up” dept – one of Spitzer’s opponents is his former madam. Really. Kristin Davis. Running as a Libertarian.
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Random serious thought after yesterday’s Asiana crash. I know it’s all about the money, but wonder if U.S. airlines might actually now stop allowing elderly or frail looking travelers to purchase exit row seats.
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New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton caddied for Ryan Palmer this weekend at the Greenbrier Classic. Have to figure other golfers on the PGA tour were hoping Payton would put bounties on some of those clowns yelling “Get in the Hole.”
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NY Giants LB Dan Connor was arrested today when TSA agents found a 4-inch switchblade knife in his carry-on bag. And the NFL is thinking “At least it wasn’t a gun.”
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Some good news today from A T and T Park. The SF Giants didn’t win, but they broke up Clayton Kershaw’s no-hitter in the first inning. And they batted in the right order.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Andy Murray jokes, Janice Hough, NFL arrests, NFL jokes, Wimbledon jokes
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July 7, 2013
Don’t get me wrong, the plane crash today at SFO was awful. Yet the number of casualties was less than on an average weekend in the Bay Area with either car accidents or gunshots.
But stand by for members of Congress using the incident as yet another excuse to spend more money and/or increase the security fee structure.
On the other hand, also have to wonder… which airline will be the first to somehow turn this crash into an excuse for more fees?
And remember, the most dangerous part of a vacation involving airlines is still the drive to the airport.
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Urban Meyer now says of Aaron Hernandez “Relating or blaming these serious charges to the University of Florida, myself or our staff is wrong and irresponsible.” Right, because NOTHING, EVER, is Urban Meyer’s fault.
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Madison Bumgarner has to be thinking he got off lucky today, since the Dodgers had to put some new guy in right field.
(if that’s too inside baseball, the new guy in right field was Yasiel Puig.)
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But on the other hand, SF Giants displayed all the numbers mastery of an SEC football team in math class. How do you bat out of order?
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So who won at Wimbledon Saturday – the one woman no one’s heard of, or the other woman no one’s heard of?
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Colin Kaepernick is catching flak from 49er fans for wearing a Dolphins cap.And he defiantly tweeted that he did it on porpoise”
Copy editor alert: NBC Headline on the Asiana crash. “Two dead, mostly females”
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Okay, so let me get this straight . With abortions, even though they are relatively safe, GOP lawmakers want all kinds of rules like mandatory ultrasounds, providers required to have hospital privileges, etc, because they are “concerned about women’s health”. But with guns, even though accidental deaths and murders are commonplace, well, the government should stay out of things.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: asiana crash, Janice Hough
Comments: 1 Comment
July 5, 2013
New York City now has a new “Minus5 Ice Bar,” at the Hilton, where the temperature is kept at 23 degrees Fahrenheit. And walls, tables and even the drinking glasses are made of ice. Finally, something in town this summer colder than the Mets.
A 7-year-old Virginia boy has died a day after being shot while waiting for a Fourth of July fireworks show. Police believe someone had been firing randomly in the air and a stray bullet struck the boy in the head. If only that poor child had been armed….
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Are the #SFGiants trying to make sure their 2013 season documentary is titled “50 Shades of Orange?”
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The LA Dodgers worried about bringing up Yasiel Puig in part because they didn’t think he was acclimated enough to U.S. culture. Wonder if the SF Giants as a goodwill gesture offered to have Pablo Sandoval introduce Puig to American fast food?
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For gamblers, here’s an interesting question. What will be a higher number? NFL players arrested this year? Or countries who Edward Snowden will ask for asylum?
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Venezuela has offered asylum to Edward #Snowden. Perhaps not exactly the retirement paradise he was thinking of?
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Oliver Stone called Edward Snowden “a hero.” Translation, he wants first option on the movie rights.
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Brad Stevens said he was “absolutely humbled” by the opportunity to coach the Boston Celtics. If he’s humbled now, wait until he spends a season with NBA prima donnas.
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Jerzy Janowicz, Andy Murray’s opponent in Friday’s Wimbledon semi-final, is from Lodz, Poland. Lodz is pronounced “”woodge” (Seriously.) And we think English is hard.
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Wimbledon men’s semi-final match between Djokovic and del Potro was about 4 hour and 45 minutes long. What did they think this was, a Red Sox-Yankees game?
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Dwight Howard to the Rockets. How long until they figure out “Houston, we have a problem?”
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A seven-car accident near Atlanta very early this morning resulted in five or six of the drivers being charged with DUI’s. A pedestrian who police believe started the chain of wrecks by walking onto Interstate-75 was also charged. Explain to me again why we shouldn’t have let the South secede?.
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Haven’t seen this movie, and am unlikely to do so. But great line from my friend Gary Bachman:. “The “Lone Ranger” is so bad that there is an announcement before the movie to please turn ON your cellphones.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, SF Giants jokes, Snowden jokes
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July 4, 2013
GE and Quirky have a new high tech “Egg Minder”, a tray with a Wi-Fi chip that connects it to the Internet, senses how many eggs are left in your refrigerator and sends that information to your smartphone. Or you could just check in the fridge before you go to the store.
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Our younger generation is so used to technology. Have to wonder, when many saw the headline “Inventor of the mouse dies”, how many thought “I thought Walt Disney was already dead”
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It was a Happy July 4th for SF Giants fans: who knew early on the team would not spoil the holiday with a frustrating loss.
(they were rained out.)
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Anthony Weiner, campaigning at a mosque in New York, said “You know, I’m Jewish, married to a Muslim woman”, and lamented that other cities aren’t as tolerant as New York. For that matter, other women aren’t as tolerant as his wife.
Cher appeared tonight at the Macy’s Fourth of July Fireworks Spectacular. Makes sense, she’s as close as they could get to a performer who’s as old as our country.
It’s a tough job but Dwight Howard is making Lebron James’ “The Decision” almost look good by comparison.
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Dame Helen Mirren, asked what advice she would give Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes: “I don’t know if you’re allowed to say this on television: Don’t be up your own bum.” Not quite sure what she means but I think I agree with her.
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Just wondering, if you put the Declaration of Independence in a petition, and asked Americans to sign it today, how many would decline. Especially with all that “created equal” and other commie-pinko stuff.
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From the Declaration of Independence talking about King George III “He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance.” Who needs a King now? We have Congress.
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In New York, Joey Chestnut once again won the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest today in New York. On the Fourth of July, good to know that there remains one unquestioned bastion of American superiority.
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Now this is a negative review – from the SF Chronicle’s Mick LaSalle on the Lone Ranger: “But put aside the notion that children shouldn’t see this film. No one should. ‘The Lone Ranger’ is a movie for the whole family … to avoid.” Reminds me of Dorothy Parker who once said of Katharine Hepburn onstage that she ran “the gamut of emotions from A to B.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: dwight howard jokes, Fourth of July jokes, Janice Hough, mouse jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 3, 2013
Jamaican runner Novlene Williams-Mills. who won a bronze with her 400m relay in the 2012 Olympics, just revealed she been secretly diagnosed with breast cancer the month before and had a lumpectomy 3 days after the closing ceremony. Weaker sex my a**.
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So Dennis Rodman thinks that after his visit to North Korea he should be a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. More like a candidate for the Piece Of Work Prize.
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1. All countries spy. 2. Edward Snowden has made it clear he views it is his mission to expose spying and will use any means at his power to do so. 3. Snowden wants to live in a new country. 4. See #1. 5. Snowden is scr*wed.
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Aaron Hernandez jerseys are now selling for hundreds of dollars on Ebay. To paraphase P.T. Barnum, guess no one also ever went broke underestimating the bad taste of the American public.
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Regarding that New England Patriots offer to trade in Aaron Hernandez jerseys; T.C. says “The kicker is that you get an Ochocinco one in return.”
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New York City GOP mayoral candidate Joe Lhota just called on Anthony Weiner’s ex-girlfriends to dish dirt so that women “will come to the right conclusion after enough women come out and talk about what it was like to be with him and date him and things like that.” Uh, did Lhota forget that New Yorkers re-elected Giuliani, and voted overwhelming twice for Bill Clinton?
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Iggy Pop, 66, says he has quit stage-diving in his shows. Was this after a number of shows where he dived and couldn’t get up?
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Jennifer Aniston: “I’ll never forget when Justin and I were on a road trip and we were so hungry, “The only thing around was McDonald’s. I think I ordered a Big Mac. Wow, my body did not react well to that! It was like putting gasoline in a purified system.” Even most first-world people are thinking “REALLY-First-World Problems”
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An Ohio day-care operator was arrested and charged with putting Benadryl and Melatonin in kids’ pancakes to get them to sleep. “How awful” said many Americans. “How much did she use?” asked many tired parents.
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So after Rick Perry gets his special legislative session to vote on his abortion bill, will the Texas governor’s next move be to ask his state to declare they are not subject to the 19th amendment?
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There are rumors that Texas Governor Rick Perry might announce another run for President of the United States. Millions of Americans are very excited about this possibility. They’re called “Democrats.”
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The GOP strategy if Hillary Clinton runs for President is reportedly to try to paint her as “old news.” Well, that really ought to boost Jeb Bush.
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Watching Yasiel Puig makes me think maybe a good second half strategy for SF Giants might be to troll waters outside Cuba with a black and orange boat and sign saying saying “Baseball players welcome here.”
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Entitled much? A TripAdvisor review of a 3-star NY hotel booked ON PRICELINE rants how even though she advised a 7a arrival the hotel did not have her room ready at 9a for early check-in. (And only had it ready an hour before the promised 3pm check-in time.) Plus they wouldn’t give her Hilton Honours points with the discounted price. And she got a small, dark room. Hello? #Yougetwhatyoupayfor
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: hernandez jokes, Janice Hough, Rick Perry jokes, Rodman jokes, Snowden jokes, Texas jokes, Weiner jokes
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July 1, 2013
Happy Canada Day – July 1. Our neighbors to the north have universal healthcare, strict gun control laws and legalized gay marriage about a decade ago. And they seem to be surviving just fine.
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This week, (July 1-3) is the 150th anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg. Which means in the Senate, they’re bracing for yet another retelling of John McCain’s first hand experiences.
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This “Stunning Upset at Wimbledon” headline is turning into tennis’s version of “Groundhog Day.”
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Open note to future Bachelorettes: In a time when “reality show star” is not an oxymoron, and you have 24 men who supposedly are interested in romance on national tv, you are a fool if you don’t figure up front at least several of them in it for the “wrong reasons.”
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Two defensive starters on Texas A&M’s football team were charged with misdemeanor assault over the weekend. And Roger Goodell is thinking “Thank God they weren’t already drafted.
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Apparently 5 NBA teams are vying to sign Greg Oden. Easier to offer free-agent contract when healthcare costs will be covered by Medicare.
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Edward Snowden is now blaming the Obama administration for making him a “stateless person.” Uh, and Snowden’s running away and refusing to stay in (or return to) the U.S. had nothing to do with it…. Right.
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Tough few weeks for #SFGiants. But finally good news: The #LADodgers are reportedly getting Carlos Marmol from the Chicago Cubs.
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Kansas Rep. Tim Huelskamp introduced legislation late Friday to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gay marriage. In these tough times, isn’t it great to know that Congress is really focused on the issues that matter most to Americans?
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So with the “new” Yahoo Mail there are regular error messages saying a message cannot be sent, and a draft cannot be saved. Today the function to search old emails is down. Now I see why Marisa Mayer didn’t want people working from home…. using internal mail isn’t a reliable way to communicate.
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Rick Perry is decrying “mob rule” that kept his abortion bill from passing. Now Wendy Davis is saying that’s she’s considering a run for Governor in 2014. Will it be “mob rule” when Texans vote her in and him out?
Of course as my friend Tom Dodd says -”
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The latest Vegas odds have the Chicago Cubs as 500-1 to win the 2013 World Series. Have to figure whoever decided that was an idealistic Cubs fan.
Pierce Brosnan’s daughter, 41, just died from ovarian cancer. Her mother and grandmother died of the same disease. Would Melissa Ethridge still like to criticize Angelina Jolie’s decision?
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This whole Dwight Howard circus is a lot of ado about a guy with the free throw skills of Shaquille O’Neal and the decision-making ability of Brett Favre.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachelorette jokes, Canada jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Snowden jokes, Wimbledon jokes
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June 30, 2013
We can tell it’s officially summer. The New York Yankees are on Sunday Night Baseball.
The New York Yankees have now lost five in a row. No joke. I just like typing that.
(And hey, okay, the SF Giants lost six in a row. But they are now on a one game winning streak. And yeah, it’s been a rough month. )
SF Giants are tied for worst in majors as having only 29 games this year where they shut out their opponent in the first inning. This stat is shocking to regular Giants fans… there have been 29 games in 2013 where SF pitchers didn’t allow a first inning run? (Today was 30. Barely, after Madison Bumgarner allowed first and third with no outs in the first.)
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Sarah Palin says that if the GOP continues to “neglect conservatives” she is open to leaving and creating a new “Freedom Party.” And many Republicans are thinking “Promise?
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So I know you can already bet in Las Vegas on the over-under for the 2014 Super Bowl score. Can you bet on the over-under for 2013 NFL arrests?
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The Baltimore Orioles’ Chris Davis is having a breakout season with 31 home runs so far. So which will be more prevalent, the discussion of him as a possible MVP, or as a possible PED user?
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Former Patriots WR Deion Branch told a reporter that Aaron Hernandez is “a great guy and a great friend of mine and a great teammate. I love him to death, and it was shocking to hear his name involved in this situation.” Of course Branch has the perspective that Hernandez never saw him talking to anyone he didn’t like.
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Four tourists and the pilot are fine when a NYC sightseeing helicopter had to make an emergency landing in the Hudson river. We know the helicopter wasn’t owned by a major U.S. airline. Otherwise they’d have charged extra for the “Sully” experience.
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Interesting suggestion from Mike Lupica of the NY Daily News – “If you are an NFL player found to be in possession of an unregistered weapon, you get suspended for eight games, twice what you get for a dope offense, just for being a dope.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, airline jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Yankees jokes
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June 28, 2013
Remember when your mom told you if you swallowed chewing gum it would stay in your stomach forever? Well, Aaron Hernandez may find out that spitting that gum out might keep you in prison forever.
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What a difference a couple weeks can make. Earlier this month the biggest worry the Patriots had was if Tim Tebow would be a positive or negative force on the team, and Paula Deen just had to worry about being blacklisted by places like Weight Watchers.–
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The Notre Dame-Miami football rivalry over the years has been dubbed “Catholics vs. Convicts.” Who knew, “Christians vs. Convicts” could have been a 2013 Patriots intra-squad game.
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How hot was it? New York Mayor Bloomberg was seen sneaking a “Big Gulp.”
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Congrats to the Detroit Tigers’ Max Scherzer, 12-0 with a 3.18 ERA. How impressive is this start? If Scherzer pitched for the Marlins or Astros, his record might even be close to .500.
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The New England Patriots announced that anyone who purchased an Aaron Hernandez jersey can trade it for one of equal value. Presumably with or without stripes? (Scott Russell wonders if another trade-in option might be an orange jumpsuit?)
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Actor James Woods, 66, has dumped his 26-year old girlfriend for a 20 year-old. “That’s just gross” said even Hugh Hefner.
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Cleveland 19 – Chicago 10. So how did I miss the opening of NFL preseason?
(the nightcap of the twilight doubleheader was Cleveland 9, Chicago 8. Wonder how often if ever the White Sox have scored 18 runs in two games and lost them both?)
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Macky Sall, the President of Senegal, told President Obama ‘We are still not ready to decriminalize homosexuality. While we have respect for the rights of homosexuals, we are still not ready to change the law.” Is Sall angling to be asked to come to the U.S. and run for office as a Republican? Or is he trying to get Justice Scalia to visit?
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Lance Armstrong told “Le Monde” magazine that it would have been “impossible” to win without doping, and that he still considers himself the record-holder for Tour victories. This man is so deep in denial he’s almost an honorary Sandusky.
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Kyle Petty saying Danica Patrick is a “marketing machine” and not a “race car driver” because her hype and commercial success outweigh her results. So by that standard are the Chicago Cubs not a baseball team?
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From Hartley Miller ” A 72-year-old Minnesota man has been sentenced to one week in prison for cheating in a fishing competition. In other words, he was caught hook, line and sinker.”
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More reason to be against gay marriage? Probably harder to park near SF City Hall today with all the rush on marriage licenses.#getoverit
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: hernandez jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Patriot jokes, Paula Deen jokes
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June 27, 2013
When they say the gay marriage ruling doesn’t hurt ANYONE in a straight relationship suppose this is not strictly speaking true. Think of those guys who have said “Of course I’d marry you, honey, but we have to show solidarity with our LGBT friends…”
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AMA is going to have a knitting-themed river cruise next December, featuring a man named Barry Klein, considered “one of the top 10 most influential men in the world of knitting.” Wow. There ARE 10 men in the world of knitting?
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So at Wimbledon, Nadal is out, Federer is out, and Sharapova is out. Television executives must feel like they do about major golf tournaments when Tiger misses the cut.
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Understated opening line of the week from Wikipedia “Aaron Michael Hernandez (born November 6, 1989) is an American football tight end who is currently a free agent. He most recently played for the New England Patriots.”
Matt Krook, the Miami Marlins’ 1st round pick, will instead attend the University of Oregon. Maybe Krook wants to play in front of bigger crowds?
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Now the police may charge Aaron Hernandez with more murders. Scary. While the NFL is limiting purses and backpacks after the Boston bombings, it might be that the guys on the field are more dangerous than the terrorists.
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From Marc Ragovin: ” Cleveland Browns rookie Ausar Walcott has been charged with attempted murder and has been cut by the team. I think I know where he’s gonna end up next. The Patriots’ practice squad.”
What if they had an #NBA draft and nobody cared? #Whoaretheseguys
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Former Warriors and Wizards star Gilbert Arenas was arrested in Los Angeles after officers stopped him for speeding, and allegedly found 20 boxes of illegal fireworks. And NBA officials are just relieved he didn’t shoot somebody.
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Wow. Now Rick Perry is going after Wendy Davis by saying he is glad her single mother didn’t choose an abortion: “What if her mom had said, “I just can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. At that particular point in time I think it becomes very personal.” Yes, Governor, these choices are always VERY personal. Would call him a douchebag but that is an insult to douchebags.
35 NFL players arrested so far this year . How long until NFL playbooks start including Miranda rights?
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Prosecutors may allege Aaron Hernandez killed a man who knew too much about two other men the former Patriots TE may have killed next year. Does this mean it wouldn’t have been long until he shot his alleged accomplices for knowing too much about the latest murder?
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Tweet from Chick-Fil A President on DOMA decision “Sad day for our nation; founding fathers would be ashamed of our gen. to abandon wisdom of the ages re: cornerstone of strong societies.” Right, founding fathers like Jefferson with Sally Hemmings and Franklin who had common-law wife raise his illegitimate son by another woman..
Not a bad day for #NFL, okay, so #NBAdraft got headlines, but no additional players arrested.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, NBA draft jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 26, 2013
Conservatives may be disheartened over DOMA being overturned today, and gay marriages being allowed again in California. But hey, from a business standpoint, think of all the economic stimulus from gay weddings! #Expensivechampagne
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Is the New England Patriots’ season as dead as DOMA?
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Apparently Aaron Hernandez is the 29th NFL player arrested since this year’s Super Bowl. This is clearly what comes of allowing too many heterosexuals in the league.
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The prosecution’s evidence against Hernandez allegedly includes some used bubble gum found in a car seen near the site of the murder. Gum that he may have been seen buying. So does this mean, if he chewed, then he is through?
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Cleveland rookie LB Ausar Walcott was arrested Tuesday and charged with attempted murder after he allegedly punched a man in the head last weekend. Gosh, the Browns can’t even get the major headlines on the NFL police blotter.
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Rough week for Paula Deen. Who knew it was possible to make Walmart look politically correct?
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Paula Deen in a teary television interview today complained of “horrible, horrible lies” about her. Uh, in Celebrity 101 class shouldn’t there be a session featuring Hugh Grant’s interview with Leno? Admit, say you were stupid, and move on. (Then if necessary find God and beg forgiveness.)
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Just wondering, how would Justice Clarence Thomas have ruled on “Loving v. Virginia” in 1967….
(if that’s too “inside baseball,” “Loving v. Virginia” was the ruling that struck down inter-racial marriage laws. And Thomas is married to a white woman.)
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Best comedy line of the week goes to coach Chip Kelly: “As I have I stated before, the NCAA investigation and subsequent ruling had no impact on my decision to leave Oregon for Philadelphia.”
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Former Cub Kerry Wood found a body floating in a harbor. I hear he strained his shoulder calling 911.”
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In Justice Scalia’s angry dissent today he once again railed against “homosexual sodomy.” So does he have a position on heterosexual sodomy. (Technically defined as anything but vaginal intercourse…?.)
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Texas Gov. Rick Perry just called a new special session to take up the abortion bill that was filibustered last night. What happened to that “small government” philosophy?
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You can’t make this stuff up… Gov. Perry says he is calling a special session on that abortion bill because “Texans value life.” On the same day that the state has executed its 500th inmate since they reinstated the death penalty in 1982.
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Somewhere both #MollyIvins and #AnnRichards are together looking down on #WendyDavis. And smiling.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Standwithwendy jokes, Aaron Hernandez jokes, DOMA jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, Rick Perry jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 26, 2013
Edward Snowden is apparently living in a Russian airport transit terminal. Didn’t we already see this movie with Tom Hanks?
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President Obama said today in a speech “”We don’t have time for a meeting of the Flat Earth Society.” And some in the GOP immediately accused him of trying to influence the IRS against granting the Flat Earthers tax-exempt status.
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Apparently Heisman-winning QB Johnny Manziel almost transferred when he was suspended for the 2012 season for being caught in a bar fight with a fake ID. The suspension was overturned on appeal, aided by a letter from the Texas A & M coach. Although Manziel did have to take a 6 hour class. Wonder what the class was on? Sports and Criminal Justice?
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So now that the good old boys in Texas think they have rewritten the filibuster rules (and perhaps altered a time-stamp) can we at least apply their standards to the GOP in Congress? Then we might actually be able to get some legislation passed.
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Texas Democrats, led by state senator Wendy Davis, who spoke for 13 hours, were filibustering against a bill in Texas that will virtually outlaw abortion in the state. Wonder when they will need another filibuster – against cuts in aid for the resulting children born into poverty?
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The Cubs released reliever Carlos Marmol, who was 2-4 with a 5.86 ERA. Maybe the SF Giants can sign him to work the eighth inning. Based on the last week or two that 5.86 ERA would be an improvement.
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So Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are saying they named their daughter north because she is their “North Star… their highest point together.” Sort of like the “high-water mark of the Confederacy?”
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Wow. ESPN reported this comment about A-Rod Tuesday “Alex should just shut the f— up. That’s it. ” A not perhaps uncommon thought about the Yankees’ one-time star and current problem child. But the speaker?! New York GM Brian Cashman.
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Forget Syria, the stock market, Snowden… here’s some GOOD news. It was just announced that Paul Giamatti will appear as Cora’s brother in season four of Downton Abbey.”
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Whatever happens with Snowden can we all agree that Booz Allen Hamilton might need to do a better pre-screening future job applicants for sensitive positions?
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This last was sent to me by a reader, very interesting I think in the current situation with Snowden.
“I went to school in Washington, DC during the Vietnam war. In 1969 there were protests – the War Moratorium – as it was called. Many professors gave students off for the day (it was a Wednesday) so that they could attend the march.
My religion professor was a most ethical man, a wonderful teacher and a fine human being.
He did not cancel class and he said that if we cut it would go on our record. (It was a long time ago -does anyone care if you cut class anymore?)
When he was asked, his reply was – “If this is what you believe in, then the price to be paid by you for your belief is to have an unexcused “cut” on your record.”
He was teaching us, that if you want to act with courage about an injustice – then you should not “buy” your courage, for free – it has to cost you something.
It was a lifelong lesson.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, New York Yankees jokes, Republican jokes, Snowden jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 24, 2013
Singer Chris Brown has again been accused of assault. allegedly shoving a woman to the ground at a Southern California nightclub on Saturday night. So congratulations to all those who had June 22 in the pool.
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Today starts the George Zimmerman trial in Orlando. Whatever happens, Americans should feel confident that justice will be served, because they had had the Casey Anthony trial there, and we know how well that turned out… Oops, never mind.
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Lots of tennis fans were upset that Rafael Nadal was a 5 seed at Wimbledon. Guess they were right. He should have been lower.
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Not looking good for Aaron Hernandez as the murder investigation continues. Starting to look like the Patriots’ TE best hope would be to get the LAPD involved in the case.
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Congrats to UCLA, in the College World Series, and winners of game one against Mississippi State. Well, at least one Southern California team is seeing 2013 postseason action.
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In honor of the Chicago Blackhawks, the Cubs put in lights on their stadium Monday night “2013 Stanley Cup Champions.” Might be the only time in many people’s lifetimes they will see the word “Champions” at Wrigley Field.
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Rough night in Boston. #Bruins just pulled off a collapse so fast and awful you figured Bill Buckner had to be involved.
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Newly released documents show the IRS also targeted groups seeking tax-exempt status with terms including “Israel,” ”Progressive” and “Occupy.” Out of habit, the GOP blamed Obama.
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In Paris, a 52 year old mother was arrested and her daughter may be banned from taking official exams for 5 years, after the woman attempted to take the French equivalent of the SAT for her daughter. “How awful.” responded some American parents. “Great idea, needed better execution” responded others.
(As my friend Jim McCann says, “
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NY Giants WR Brandon Collins has been suspended without pay for the first four games of the 2013 season for violating the NFL Policy and Program for Substances of Abuse. Four whole games. Wow. Well, at least he didn’t do anything really bad like wearing the wrong color shoes or criticizing officials..
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Rays’ pitcher Alex Cobb, who was hit in the ear by a batted ball and got a concussion on June 15 now simply thinks pitchers should have the option to wear headgear. Adding “I don’t want it to turn into something where every pitcher on the mound has to wear something. That’s everybody’s personal choice.” This idea is so reasonable I’m sure Bud Selig will find a reason against it.
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Sorry folks in Dodger Stadium; real baseball fans do not do the wave. #wavefail
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Edward Snowden is getting really serious about staying out of sight. Rumor has it he’s even talked to NBC about a place on their summer schedule.
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Former Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi, 76, was convicted today of paying for sex with an underage prostitutes and then trying to cover it up. He was sentenced to 7 years, and barred from public office for life. Did the court figure Italians would elect him again otherwise?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, baseball jokes, Chris Brown jokes, College World Series jokes, Janice Hough, Wimbledon jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 23, 2013
Hostess has announced they will have Twinkies back on the store shelves July 15. Good news for fans who stockpiled the snack cakes last year: old Twinkies probably only have about 99 years of shelf life left.
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Manny Ramirez wants to return to MLB and rumors have linked him with the Yankees. Probably won’t happen but a few weeks of Manny being Manny might make NY fans actually miss A-Rod.
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Joe Theismann’s “Super Beta Prostate” TMI commercial – “Even when I first started broadcasting, I’d be hit with sudden urges to go… I no longer have to go so frequently and I usually sleep through the night…” Who knew there might be something harder to watch featuring Theismann than his infamous leg injury.
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Paula Deen’s fans are apparently furious over Food Network’s firing her over racial slurs, with nasty comments of their own on the Network’s FB page. Including things like “We all use the n-word.” Well, this ought to help Southerners with that stereotype of being racist rednecks.
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This Serena Williams / Maria Sharapova catfight has gotten pretty nasty. Even Tiger and Sergio are saying “Just shut up and play.”
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The more I hear about Edward Snowden, who really seems to be relishing the limelight, the more I think even people who agree with what he did have might also agree with T.S. Eliot: “The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason.”
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–It will be a sad day when Nelson Mandela leaves us, but come on folks: These media stories saying things like a team of seven doctors “is doing everything possible to get his condition to improve” He is 94, he has been frail and unable to appear in public in years. Let the poor man be….
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A five year old girl has died in New Orleans after she apparently accidentally shot herself in the head. If only the poor child had been armed. Wait, never mind.
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Thanks to a rain delay the East Coast now gets to enjoy #ESPN Monday Morning Baseball.
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Okay, I’m impressed. After a rain delay, its Sunday night, the 6th inning of a June game inter-league St. Louis Cardinals-Texas Rangers game, so neither a big rivalry nor the playoffs, and it’s midnight. And the Busch Stadium stands are packed.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Manny Ramirez jokes, Paula Deen jokes, Twinkies jokes
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June 23, 2013
Facebook admitted yesterday they accidentally exposed 6 million users’ phone numbers and email addresses to unauthorized viewers over the past year. Why are we wasting taxpayer funds on the NSA etc when the private sector can invade our privacy so much more inexpensively?
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What’s more unreal to modern Monopoly players? That you can buy properties for hundreds of dollars? Or that anyone would want to buy property in Atlantic City?
Hillary Clinton, speaking in Toronto, “Let me say this, hypothetically speaking, I really do hope that we have a woman president in my lifetime.” Wonder if you can find a video of the speech at Hillary2016.com
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Derek Jeter says he is making progress with his broken ankle. Wonder if he’ll be back in time for the next Yankees’ old timers game?
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “New York Yankee great, Joe Torre’s daughter, Christine, caught a baby that fell from a fire escape in Brooklyn; good thing she wasn’t a Mets’ daughter. She would have made an error throwing the baby to first.
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Reports are that Aaron Hernandez reportedly destroyed his home surveillance system and handed his cellphone over to police “in pieces.” If the Patriots’ TE isn’t guilty of murder, he may be guilty of being one of the stupider SOB’s that ever lived.
1997 Tour de France winner Jan Ullrich finally admitted that he did blood doping during his career. At this point it would be bigger news if we found out one of the top racers WASN’T doping.
So the NBA finals were last Thursday, and the NBA draft is next Thursday. And the NFL is trying to figure out…. how do we do that? #Yearroundleague
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Colin Kaepernick threw out the first pitch at Friday night’s #SFGiants game; he was clocked at 87 mph. And Barry Zito just wept.
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Wonder if they are applying for tax exempt status? “Americans for Food and Beverage Choice?”, self-described as “a group of people just like you” is running ads against “new taxes and regulations on food and beverages”
“Just like you.”
Right. And just coincidence that “The American Beverage Association, which represents the non-alcoholic beverage industry, is leading this coalition”?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, facebook jokes, Hillary Clinton jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 