Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Primary day.

June 5, 2012

Open note to all Californians. On June 5, please remember to vote – lots of primary races plus Propositions. Not voting means that until the next election you will have forfeited all bitching rights.

–

A beer at the London Olympics will cost $11 USD this summer. $11?! “Is the government subsidizing prices”, asked Yankees fans?

–

The Kings are one win away from the Stanley Cup after their 4-0 win tonight over the Devils. Not to say that sports fans in Los Angeles really don’t get hockey, but when told the score many commented “Nice shutout, who was pitching?”

–

Of the top 20 picks in today’s MLB draft, 12 were chosen right out of high school. Which means they’ll spend about as much time in college classes as most of the NBA “One and dones.” –

–

George Zimmerman’s lawyer said Zimmerman made a “mistake” not revealing he had raised over $100,000 at his original bail hearing, adding “We feel the failure to disclose these funds was caused by fear, mistrust, and confusion.” Uh, “fear, mistrust and confusion.” Sounds like part of what got Trayvon Martin shot in the first place. –

–

Celene Dion admitted on the Today show about “My Heart Will Go On,” that “If I just count how many times I’ve sung it, maybe it’ll get me sick.” Millions of Americans said, “Join the club, honey.” –

–

A CNN Electoral Map says the 2012 Presidential election will come down to only 7 contested states – Colorado, Florida, Iowa , Nevada, New Hampshire, Ohio and Virginia. Isn’t it nice to know our founding fathers fought for a system that makes our individual votes for president in the other 43 states basically meaningless? –

–

Starbucks just bought a small SF bakery chain (La Boulange) to start adding French pastries to their food offerings. Coming soon, the $10 croissant?

–

The SF Giants say that Freddy Sanchez, whose return has been slowed most recently by back issues, may start taking some light batting swings. When Sanchez returns to the lineup will the giveaway at A T & T Park be plastic flying pigs? –

–

The two largest counties in Florida have stopped purging voter names after a Department of Justice said it was illegal. In their defense, state officials said that with recent actions in Arizona, Florida had felt they needed to move fast to keep their “Craziest State in the Union” status.

–

Since contract talks with the NFL Referees Association “remain unresolved” the NFL said they will immediately begin to hire and train replacement officials, adding “our goal is to maintain the highest quality of officiating for our teams, players, and fans.” Uh “maintain?” Really?  –

–

The Washington Wizards will stay with formerly interim coach Randy Wittman for next season. Makes sense, who else would want the job?

–

–

Donald Trump now says he is not a racist because he picked Arsenio Hall as the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. Right. So what’s next, the Donald will go to the NBA finals and say he should be elected president of the NAACP?

–

From Bill Littlejohn:   Last week was the 75th birthday of the  Golden Gate Bridge. It’s the only man-made thing on Earth suspended longer than Sean Payton.

–

 

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

ABM

June 4, 2012

Nice win for the Boston Celtics in OT tonight. As they take over the temporary mantle of “America’s ABM Team.” (“Anyone But Miami.”)

 

–

Two Ohio State football players were arrested Saturday night on charges of “obstructing official business.” (Apparently this involved public urination and running from police.)    Well, looks like coach Urban Meyer is well on his way to repeating  his record at the University of  Florida.  (31 Gators arrested in 6 years.)

–

Actor Jason Alexander said on CBS’s Late Late Show that he considers cricket a “gay” sport. Today he apologized saying that conversations with his gay friends led him to realize his insensitivity, and that at first he didn’t grasp why some might object to the comment. Really? If true Alexander may not be bigoted, but he sure is stupid.

–

Okay, time for another question where the ulltimate response is “Okay, all of you liars put your hands down.” As we head into June, how many baseball fans had Barry Zito with as many wins, and fewer losses, than Justin Verlander?

–

Barry Zito, now 5-2 with a 2.98 ERA (Really.), was married over the winter. So maybe he’s proving Casey Stengel’s old adage. “Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.”

–

Joe Biden’s daughter Ashley was married Saturday. Dad should be finishing up his toast to the happy couple any time now.

–

All these headlines about “Desperate Housewives” star Kathyrn Joosten dying. I and no doubt others would probably rather see “R.I.P Mrs. Landingham.

–

Richard Dawson, the first host of Family Feud, has died at 79. Services are pending, once his relatives find out the answers to “What are the most importnat things to have at a funeral?”

–

Former Oklahoma State University state and Jacksonville Jaguars top pick Justin Blackmon is in jail this morning after an “aggravated DUI” charge. Stanford fans are thinking, what a shame, especially that it couldn’t have happened the night before the Fiesta Bowl.

–

Hugh Hefner and former fiancee Crystal Harris are back together, about a year after Crystal called off their wedding at the last minute. Guess the 86 year old Hef is the forgiving sort, either that or he just doesn’t remember being dumped.

–

Regarding that Phoenix mom who drove off with her baby in a car seat on the car’s roof,  Mark Ricklis says “Willard said he did not see any problem with the her travel arrangements.”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Weekend ramblings.

June 3, 2012

Phil Mickelson is leading a group trying to buy the San Diego Padres.

Hope someone has told him the Padres’ propensity for low scores is not, as in golf, a good thing

 

.A 19 year old Phoenix woman was arrested on child abuse and aggravated DUI charges after police say she left her five-week-old baby strapped in a car seat on top of her car and drove off. Poor mom. Had she just done the same with a puppy she might have been offered a job with “Arizonans for Romney.”

–

An Al Jezeera documentary says that the U.S. Govt at Guantanamo Bay is torturing prisoners with songs from Sesame Street? Really? I don’t think our government would do that. Torture with “It’s a Small World,” maybe.-

 

Oops, A brain surgeon had to enlist the help of a company with metal detectors after he buried an engagement ring on a Florida beach for a surprise proposal, and then FORGOT where he put it. They found the ring, and his girlfriend did accept the proposal. Guess this goes under the category “Well, it’s not brain surgery.”

 

A new report finds football players who are caught smoking pot face particularly lenient penalties in the SEC, with Georgia, Kentucky and Mississippi State the only schools  who suspend athletes at all for the first positive test. “I’m shocked”, said absolutely nobody. –

 

The city of Oakland officials are offering $100 gift cards to residents who hand over a working gun at the Oakland Police Department today. Not a bad idea, as long as the gift cards cannot be used to buy more guns.

–

 

 

“Turn back the Clock” day today at A T and T Park, as the teams wear uniforms from 1912. If the Cubs and Giants really wanted to be authentic, however, one of them would have signed Jamie Moyer.

 

–

 

 

–

Uh, define “work.” In an SFGate.com story by Henry Schluman, SF Giants star Melky Cabrera talks about living with his mom “When I made my major-league debut I told her, ‘That’s it. You don’t work anymore. I’m going to work and take care of you. I need my mom for moral support plus to do the house things. I don’t know how to cook. I don’t know how to wash. So my mom does that for me.'”

 

–

 

After his on-air tirade against an umpire resulted in a reprimand of undisclosed details from MLB commissioner Selig, Chicago White Sox announcer Ken “Hawk” Harrelson said it “won’t happen again.” Translation, ‘I heard from Bud, I choose to keep my job.”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

Comments: 2 Comments

When you’re a Met.

June 2, 2012

Watched the replays from Johan Santana’s first ever “No-hitter” for the New York Mets. Guess this puts the Mets forever on the list of teams against fair or foul instant replay.

–

Passenger on a Taiwan to Los Angeles flight last weekend were surprised to see a songbird flying down the aisle.. A flight attendant caught the bird and turned it over to Customs on arrival.. No word on what flight the bird was on, but we know it’s not an U.S.carrier – they would have charged passengers an extra music fee.

–

Matt Kemp’s back on the DL, along with Troy Tulowitzki, Jered Weaver, Roy Halladay, Pablo Sandoval, etc. etc. Will this year’s MLB All Star Game be sponsored by Blue Shield?

–

Just once could ESPN humor those of us sports fans who are Tigered-out and actually run a headline about who is LEADING a golf tournament, not how Woods is doing on a given day?

–

My friend George was surprised to see President Obama in an Oakland library, but then realized it was a life-size cardboard cutout. Coincidentally he next ran into a life-size cardboard cutout of Romney, but then realized it was the real Mitt.

–

This weekend England is celebrating their Queen’s Diamond jubilee. Wow. Who knew Elton John had been recording for 60 years?

–

You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Thursday New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg banned large-sized sugary drinks. Friday he signed a proclamation marking the 75th annual National Donut Day.

–

John Edwards’ baby mama Rielle Hunter has announced she has written a  soon to be released book about their love affair, titled “What really happened: John Edwards,  our daughter and me.”   Well, there is some justice after all. Looks like with their daughter Quinn,  John has been sentenced to have to deal with Rielle for the rest of his life.

 

–

 

Well, United Airlines is finally doing something to cut the total number of  delays at Houston-Intercontinental Airport by 5 %.  They anounced they are  cutting their total number of flights by 10%

–

The SEC says they want a four “best” team playoff for the college football championship. Presumably as long as the conference can have two of the four teams.

–

A 32 year old, who was just named “Teacher of the Year”, at his Texas middle school has been arrested and charged with sexting with a 15-year-old girl student. Once again implying, it may not be safe to allow heterosexual teachers in the classroom.

–

The Toyota Prius became the world’s third-best-selling car in the first quarter of 2012. Only third? Then how come there’s always one in front of you when you’re in a hurry on the freeway?

–

Yet more “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up.” A Northern California woman used a stolen credit card at a Safeway. But she used her OWN Safeway Club card to get discounts. “Thank you very much,” said the police who then arrested her at her home.

–

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

To mispell or misspell, that is the question.

June 1, 2012

Watching the Scripps  National Spelling Bee – at this point a Caucasian is as likely to win the tournament as one is to win the NBA MVP title.

Heck, most Caucasians can’t even spell the winner’s name: Snigdha Nandipati

–

 

As a friend says, sometimes the saving grace of humanity is that crooks are stupid: A Santa Maria man was arrested and charged with attempting to sell methamphetamines after he accidentally sent a text about selling the drugs to a wrong number, which turned out to be that of  a local police officer.

–

The FDA rejected the Corn Refiners Association’s bid to have “High fructose corn syrup” renamed “corn sugar.” Presumably they would have accepted a more honest alternative “butt enlarger.”

 

 

Not a great week for Mark Zuckerberg. Now the news is out that he and his wife were at lunch on their honeymoon in Rome and didn’t leave a tip. The best tip, of course, would have been “Don’t buy Facebook stock.”

 

–

 

The Justice Dept ordered Florida to halt their attempted purge of suspected non-citizens from the voting rolls, on the same day a Federal court struck down the state’s new election law which tightly restricts voter registration groups. Here’s a simpler idea to guarantee a fair election in November: Declare Florida the only Southern State to have won the civil war, and thus officially seceded.  –

–

Mitt Romney made a surprise campaign appearance today in front of the former headquarters of Solyndra. Here we go…. Wonder how long it will take the Obama campaign to stop in front of the former headquarters of Enron or Lehmann Brothers.

 

 

And while Mitt Romney is attacking Solyndra, if he wants to go after recent debacles with taxpayer money, wonder why he’s saying nothing about 38 Studios?  They were a video game company that received $75 million in loan guarantees in 2010 from the tiny state of Rhode Island, and just laid off all their employees. I’m sure it’s not just because the company founder was Red Sox ace and ardent GOP support Curt Schilling….

 

Some conspiracy theorists are wondering if the NBA somehow rigged the lottery so that the league-owned New Orleans Hornets got the first draft pick. Really? As if the NBA is competent enough to rig a lottery….

–

Groaner of the day from Marc Ragovin:  “Researchers with an aviation historical society have found a cosmetics jar that they believe may be linked to Amelia Earhart. Of course. Its vanishing cream.”

 

–

As bad as the U.S. political scene is now, it could be worse. Just imagine if we were dealing with the impeachment trial of President John Edwards.

 

 

 

John Edwards may have been found not guilty of one charge today, and had a mistrial declared on the other five. On the other hand, he was still sentenced to a lifetime of being a punchline.

–

And after the trial, John Edwards did admit he had done a I did an awful, awful lot that was wrong. If I want to find the person responsible for my sins it is me and me alone.”  But he then added, after saying he was so proud of his oldest daughter Cate for being with him throughout all this process, a statement about  “my precious Quinn who I love more than any of you could ever imagine, who I am so close to and so grateful for.”

Quinn is 4, and I feel sorry for the little girl. But John, really?  She wasn’t watching today,  (well, I hope Rielle didn’t have her watching), so you think he could have waited on that comment?   There really are two Americas, the real one, and the fantasy world John Edwards inhabits.

 

 

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Snakes on a higher plane?

May 31, 2012

Mack Wolford, 43, a “serpent-handling” West Virginia pastor, died after his rattlesnake bit him during a church ritual. He had told the Washington Post in 2011 that he watched a snake kill his father in the same ritual 28 years ago. Not sure if Darwin is laughing or crying.

 

–

Some said Jesse Orosco only stayed in the big leagues because he was a left-handed pitcher who could consistently get Barry Bonds out.  In the same vein,  the Diamondbacks’  Paul Goldschmidt has to be wishing Tim Lincecum pitches forever to give him the same opportunity.   Goldschmidt has 12 HRs in his career  – Four are against Lincecum.

–

So when Mitt Romney did a fundraiser with “birther” Donald Trump, he said he didn’t always agree with his supporters and vice-versa, but he needed that 50.1%. Now, President Obama actually quit Jeremiah Wright’s church, but nonetheless by that standard is Romney saying attacks by his SuperPACs linking Obama and Rev. Wright are off limits?

–

Despite the SF Giants-LA Dodgers rivalry, most San Jose residents don’t seem too upset about the Kings being in the Stanley Cup finals. In fact, when asked how they feel about Los Angeles winning the NHL championship, the most common response from Northern Californians was “Los Angeles has a hockey team?

–

Steve Spurrier is now proposing that college athletes in revenue-producing sports, such as men’s basketball and football, be paid “approximately $3,500 to $4,000” on top of their scholarships to cover living expenses. And SEC players howled – “No way are we taking that pay cut.”

–

Who says there’s no sympathy between rivals in baseball. Los Angeles Dodgers star Matt Kemp left tonight’s game after re-aggravating the left hamstring that put him on the DL already this year. And the SF Giants and their fans are saying to him “Hey, take care of yourself, rest, and for heaven’s sake don’t rush back.”

–

This John Edwards jury deliberation is lasting longer than one of John’s $400 haircuts.

–

Donald Trump has tweeted “What could be better than dinner with @MittRomney and me?” Well, for starters, a root canal.

–

SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh said the 49ers always wanted to keep Alex Smith, and regarding their “pursuit” of Peyton Manning: “It’s phoney, even the perception we were pursuing him. We were evaluating him.” Sounds like the same rationale some married men use while chatting up young women in hotel bars.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

A new weak.

May 30, 2012

The Vatican is saying they “consider the publication of stolen letters to be an unprecedentedly grave immoral act,” Right. As opposed to all that less gravely immoral stuff involving altar boys.

–

The only problem with long weekends is Tuesdays that feel like Mondays. With more work.

(proving this, not hitting the right keys so Tuesday’s post got published Wednesday.)

–

–

A much thinner Barry Bonds showed up at A T and T Park last Sunday and chatted with reporters, saying that his new sport is cycling. Cycling?! Well, good to see he’s moved on to a sport where he won’t have to deal with PED rumors.

–

Donald Trump is back to spouting his “birther” theories to anyone who will listen and give him airtime. Even Sarah Palin is beginning to think the Donald is a media whore.

–

Now that most people, Donald Trump excepted, have moved beyond the birth certificate issue, a conservative blogger is now offering $20,000 for Barack Obama’s college transcripts. Right, because back in 1990 Harvard set in place a vast conspiracy to make a lousy black student editor of the Law Review so he could be President of the U.S. 18 years later.

–

Question of the day about Facebook stock, now down over 20% from its IPO price: How long until the Romney campaign tries to pin this on Obama?

–

Mitt Romney gave a speech in Colorado where he said of the recovery “‘Look, things are getting a little better, aren’t they?’ And the answer is yeah, things are getting a little better in a lot of places in this country, but it’s not thanks to (Obama’s) policies.” Now what’s still bad, that’s ALL Obama’s fault.

–

Michele Obama has written a book- “”American Grown: The Story of the White House Kitchen Garden and Gardens Across America,” which also includes tips for gardening and healthy eating. Wonder how long it will take Sarah Palin to criticize the volume as more meddling in American lives.

–

Mitt Romney refuses to repudiate Donald Trump, even with the birther claims, saying “You know, I don’t agree with all the people who support me and my guess is they don’t all agree with everything I believe in. But I need to get 50.1 percent. “Uh, not exactly.” responded Al Gore.

–

Serena Williams lost in the first round of the French Open. Which is a shocking headline even though most Americans had no idea they were currently playing the French Open.

–

–

Well, the Chicago Cubs have finally found the cure for a 12 game losing streak – play the San Diego Padres.

–

United Airlines  is advertising their celebration of 75 years serving Denver. Curiously enough, 75 years is what most people would probably estimate to be their lifetime elapsed time waiting out delays on flights through Denver.

–

Fox News Chief Roger Ailes’ last week gave a talk at Ohio University where he accused the New York Times of publishing a questionably sourced article about him. Only one problem, the article in question was never in the New York Times. Details, details.

–

The San Antonio Spurs have a 20 game winning streak. Out of habit, the 1972 Miami Dolphins are getting worried.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Oxymoron?

May 28, 2012

Isn’t the phrase “Happy Memorial Day” an  oxymoron?

Or at least a  non sequitur?

 

–

The Miami Marlins’ Juan Carlos Oviedo, caught playing under the fake name of Leo Nunez, has been suspended by MLB for 8 weeks for age and identity fraud.   The pitcher will be eligible to return July 23. Guess he’ll be known around the clubhouse as the “player to be named later.”

 

–

Mitt Romney is promising to maintain a U.S. military with “no comparable power anywhere in the world.” Uh, considering we already outspend the rest of the top 15 countries combined, that shouldn’t be hard.

–

 

The Cubs,  losers until Monday of 12 in a row,   are ranked 30th on ESPN’s Major League Baseball power rankings. The only way this is likely to change? If they get usurped by the future winner of the College World Series.

–

Facebook is apparently working on developing a phone. Great, all we need, random calls from “people you might know.”

–

Bill Clinton made headlines this week for posing for a picture in Monaco with three porn stars. But to be fair, Bill probably didn’t recognize them with their clothes on.

–

 

On the other hand,  the San Antonio Spurs won again today, continuing their remarkable 19 game winning streak. Although the team is impressive, they just don’t seem to capture the public’s imagination. Why, no one can remember the last time a Spur got arrested or fathered a child out of wedlock.

–

Detroit Lions DT Nick Fairley has been arrested in Alabama for the second time in 2 months, this time for DUI and attempting to elude police. Is Fairley trying to get traded to the Bengals?  –

–

Sen. Chuck Schumer is urging U.S airlines to waive their fees for preferred seats (i.e. most aisles and windows) to allow families with young children to sit together. Bet a number of mothers are thinking “NO!” At least now I have an excuse to abandon the kids in a safe place for a few hours.”

–

Three women in this year’s Indy 500 and not much hype or commotion. Of course, none of them do provocative television commercials.

–

 

Really? According to the U.K. Justin Bieber is wanted for questioning by L.A. County Sheriff’s investigators after a photographer claimed he was roughed up at a local mall. So just how money-publicity hungry do you have to be to admit to being “roughed up” by Justin Bieber.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Signs of summer.

May 27, 2012

Memorial Day weekend generally is considered a sign of approaching summer. Another sign – we only have about another month left in the NBA playoffs.

–

Another sign of summer.  Cubs fans already saying “wait until next year.”

–

The Atlanta Braves were hoping Chipper Jones, 40, would make a quick recovery from his bruised calf, but they finally put him on the 15-day DL today. On a brighter note, some of the medical costs should be covered by Medicare.

–

Manny Ramirez made his first appearance last night for the AAA Sacramento River Cats. The River Cats drew over 9000 for the game. Wonder if in Manny’s honor pregnant women got in free?

–

Donald Trump is talking again about how he believes President Obama was born in Kenya. You know what that means – the Donald doesn’t think he himself is getting enough press coverage again.

Three women in today’s Indy 500 and not much hype or commotion. Of course, none of them do provocative television commercials.

–

Michael Vick is in Las Vegas for a youth charity football camp, and appeared at a kickoff event at a local Toyota dealership to sign autographs and pose for pictures. So many people complained on the dealership’s Facebook page that they shut it down. Have to wonder, would as many people be upset if it was O.J.?

–

As we enjoy the first unofficial weekend of summer, congrats to the Boston Celtics for getting to the Eastern Conference semi-finals. Making them at least temporarily “America’s Team.” At least for those of us who can’t take the Heat.

–

Mitt Romney said in a recent interview that he sees politics as “like a sport for old guys.” Exactly, “old guys” owning the Red Sox or Yankees.

–

Shocking news. Pope Benedict XVI’s butler has now been formally charged over suspicions he leaked a large number of confidential letters addressed to the Pope about alleged corruption at the Vatican. Even more shocking about this scandal -no altar boys were involved.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Idol-atry

May 23, 2012

Wonder if we’d get more turnout in November elections if real voting meant that Americans got bonus votes that could be used for American Idol?

–

Trivia for the night: Both the SF Giants’ Buster Posey and American Idol winner Phillip Phillips are from the same town – Leesburg, Georgia, population just under 3000.

–

–

Arizona’s secretary of state just said he will put the President on the ballot in November, because he has now received information from Hawaii that verifies Obama is a legitimate citizen. Shame someone can’t come up with a reason to question Arizona’s legitimacy as a state.-

 

–

Cognitive dissonance of the day: Mitt Romney says if elected he will cut U.S. unemployment rate to 6%. Meanwhile he is touting Meg Whitman, current CEO HP, as someone who should have been elected Governor of California.. And HP just announced layoffs of 27,000 employees.

–

Small silver lining with this recent IPO – “Timeline” is no longer considered Facebook’s biggest disaster.

–

Will people who bought Facebook stock at the IPO price be known as Zuckers?

–

California Gov. Jerry Brown is threatening that public schools might need to shorten their school year by as much as a month if voters reject his plan to raise taxes in November. Prompting millions of California schoolchildren to urge their parents to “just vote no.”

–

MLB commissioner Bud Selig says he doesn’t think more TV replay is needed, at least not right now. Translation, the Yankees don’t want it.

–

Oil prices fell below $90 a barrel for the first time all year today. Waiting to see how the airlines turn this into a new surcharge.

–

Interesting statistics on Presidential fundraising so far: 53% of President Obama’s donors gave under $200. 57% of Mitt Romney’s donors gave the maximum of $2500.

–

SF Supervisor John Avalos got national attention for saying he used a Ouija board to ask the ghost of Harvey Milk how he would feel about having a U.S. Navy vessel named after him. Some people apparently didn’t realize he was joking. But come on folks, a Ouija board? Really. Everyone knows in SF they use a Magic 8 Ball.

–

Moral of story – never steal anything when you don’t understand the technology. A Disney Cruise Line employee is now on “administrative leave.” After pictures taken with a stolen iPhone, including some showing his face and name badge, showed up on the phone owner’s Photostream, an app that automatically uploads photos to the users iCloud account. Oops.

–

Snooki has announced that while she was hoping for a girl, she knows she is expecting a boy this September. Disappointing all those with a secret sick wish to see some of those mother-daughter outfits.

–

Donald Trump is promoting himself as a potential keynote speaker for the Republican National Convention. Before he does, can the Donald produce a long form birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head?

–

From Marc Ragovin:  New York Rangers coach John Tortorella suggested that the team’s fans say a prayer for the offense. Well, since they are averaging about 2 goals a game throughout the playoffs, maybe we should start with the Kaddish.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 6 Comments

The Once and Future Kings.

May 22, 2012

So who expected this in 2012. What’s the difference between the Clippers and the Lakers? About 24 hours.

–

As the Thunder rolled, how many disappointed Los Angeles sports fans thought back earlier this spring, well, at least we’ll have the Kings?

–

Another question, who had the Kings as the last team playing this spring in the Los Angeles Staples Center?   Okay, all of you liars put your hands down.

–

–

Yahoo has named Ross Levinsohn their fifth CEO in four years. At this point the only job with less security in the SF Bay Area is coach of the Oakland Raiders.

–

 

The Dodgers have put 5 position players on the DL in the last two weeks, and have won 10 of their last 12. If they get a few more injuries Los Angeles could really run away with the division.

–

Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, an avowed anti-big government conservative, received $75 million in loan guarantees from Rhode Island to move his video game company there in 2010. Now the company is failing and the state is on the hook. Once again, government waste = money that doesn’t directly benefit ME.

–

The next time Schllling rants against Democrats, hope someone tells him to put a bloody sock in it.

–

In California, Congression candidate Andy Caffrey, who has a medical marijuana prescription, has promised that if he wins, he’ll smoke a joint — “right on the steps of Capitol Hill.” Uh, maybe he should pass the joint around. Might get more bipartisan agreement if they were all stoned.

–

Last week a Romney interview in the National Review praised Meg Whitman, and said she would be a better governor for Calif. Jerry Brown. The same day a story broke that Meg’s new company, HP, was going to lay off 30,000. (And somewhere Mitt is thinking, and the problem with that is…?)

–

Four suspects were arrested after beating up a man Sunday after the Los Angeles-St. Louis baseball game in the Dodger Stadium parking lot. (The victim is in stable condition.) To be fair, the accused are almost certainly not real Dodgers fans, otherwise they would have been gone after the 7th inning.

–

The Coast Guard has picked up 160 bales (about 7,000 lbs) of marijuana, floating off the coast of Southern California. In related news, fisherman in the area report great luck by baiting their hooks with Doritos.

–

A jersey worn by Babe Ruth sold for $4.4 million. Apparently it still has a mark on it from when the Babe was hit by a pitch from Jamie Moyer.

–

Dick Cheney will host a fundraising event at his home in Jackson Hole, WY for Mitt Romney. Mitt wasn’t sure the former V.P. was willing to help, but Cheney reputedly said, “Sure, he’d take a shot at it.”

–

According to the DOT the 17 biggest U.S. airlines collected $3.36 billion in checked bag fees in 2011, down slightly from $3.4 billion the year before. Although they carried more 1.3% more psgrs than in 2010. This news surprises absolutely no one who has watched the musical chairs game for the overhead bins during boarding.

–

From TC  – (Jay Leno used almost an identical line tonight, wonder if he saw it in comments this morning on last night’s post):   “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg married his long time girl friend Priscilla Chan. They have already left for their honeymoon in Farmville.”

–

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Changing status:

May 20, 2012

Mark Zuckerberg wore a hoodie to Wall Street and a suit and tie to his wedding. Good to see the young man has at least some of his priorities in order.

–

A 73 year old woman became the oldest to climb Mount Everest. And the oldest presumably to do with with her left caribiners flashing the whole way.

–

“I’ll Have Another” won the Preakness Saturday, putting himself in position to win horse racing’s first Triple Crown in 34 years. Or as Cubs fans say “Only Yesterday.”

–

Are horses really athletes?   Well, they don’t get arrested, say stupid things or otherwise embarrass themselves publicly. But there are those out of wedlock offspring….

–

–

Three years after he was released from prison because he was dying of prostate cancer, convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi passed away in Libya. “How sad,” said absolutely nobody.

–

Two of the strongest signs that President Obama, while far from perfect, seems likely to win re-election over Mitt Romney? GOP talking about Reverend Wright and birth certificates.

 

Three starters on Florida’s softball team have been suspended for the season, for undisclosed reasons but allegedly over an stupid altercation. Well, once again Title IX has given women the right to show they can compete with male athletes.

–

Mick Jagger on SNL season finale last night. Guess they wanted a musical guest old enough to remember when the show was actually funny.

–

Speaking of old, from Bill Littlejohn:  “The world’s oldest yoga teacher is still going strong at 93. His name—-Maharishi Mahesh Moyer.”

–

–

Rick Santorum’s campaign ended up $2.2 million in debt, a debt that actually increased after he quit the race. And this is a man who was going to balance the Federal budget?

 

–

R.I.P Robin Gibb. Insert bad “Stayin’ Alive” joke here:

–

Open note to RFK Jr.: If you’re trying to correct your image as a cheating douche bag after your estranged wife commits suicide, probably not a great idea to include in your eulogy at the funeral: “I know I did everything I could to help her.”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 7 Comments

Opening day.

May 18, 2012

After the first day of stock trading – Facebook’s relationship to Wall Street? “It’s complicated.”

 

–

Not Facebook, but short term business idea for moderately big bucks: Discreet book covers for “Fifty Shades of Grey” for women to use on airplanes, by the pool and at little league practices.

 

–

A Wisconsin man bought a Green Bay Packers Super Bowl XLV championship ring at a pawn shop. Hmm, this might be the only way Lebron gets his ring.

–

 

Kerry Wood made one last appearance today for the Chicago Cubs, before announcing his retirement. He ended with one last strikeout, though it might have been more fitting had Woods finished by first announcing one last trip to the DL.

–

The Miami Heat canceled practice today. Well, guess based on the last two games it wasn’t working anyway. –

 

–

The Lakers salvaged Game 3,  but Lakers guard Steve Blake and his wife have been attacked and threatened online since he missed a possible game-winning shot against the Thunder in game 2. Who do these idiots think they are, soccer fans?

 

 

 

–

AZ GOP Sec of State Ken Bennett said “I am not a birther,” but “At the request of a constituent, I asked Hawaii for a verification in lieu of certified copy. We’re merely asking them to officially confirm they have (Obama’s) birth certificate in their possession and are awaiting their response. He said if the issue is not resolved it was “possible” he would keep the President off the ballot. Arizona sounds like they just can’t stand Florida having the title “Craziest state in the U.S.”

 

The attorney general’s office in Hawaii is telling Arizona’s secretary of state that if he wants confirmation of President Obama’s birth records, he’ll have to prove he legitimately needs it.   Translation  “Are you all nucking futs?”

 

New Ohio State football coach and AD Gene Smith self-reported 46 recent secondary recruiting violations. Why 46 exactly? Maybe they figured 50 would be serious?

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Not ready for prime time?

May 16, 2012

Not saying Los Angeles doesn’t deserve a good hockey team, but….NBC Los Angeles did a story about the Clippers, Lakers, and Kings all being in the playoffs…. and they used the logo for the NBA’s Sacramento Kings instead of the NHL’s Los Angeles Kings.

 

–

Meanwhile down in Anaheim, the disappointing Angels rank 12th in the American League in runs this season. Fans are shocked, there are two teams scoring less runs than the Angels?

(answer, yes, Seattle and Oakland. as of today.)

–

.

Thomas Williams,   Catholic priest, author and television personality,  has admits fathering a child “several” years ago.   The Vatican’s reaction, embarrassment, but relief that at least his transgression involved an adult woman.

–

Husband grumpily reading resumes tonight.  Open note to job seekers:   If you really want an interview,   it’s a good idea at least to  use spell check on your cover letter.     (Really.)

–

As the second Roger Clemens trial drags on, and on, a juror was removed for falling asleep. Sounds like they lost the smartest guy in the jury pool.

 

 

Then later ANOTHER Roger Clemens juror fell asleep during the trial and was removed today. (Yes, two of them.) The remaining jurors are adding to their resumes “Ability to watch paint dry.”

(as my comedy-writing friend Jerry Perisho says “Note to self, falling asleep will get you out of jury duty.”

–

U.S. stocks fell again on worries about the Greek debt. So when is Romney going to call for an invasion of Greece?

 

–

Derrick Rose had successful ACL surgery and will be out about 8-12 months. Which means he’ll just barely miss the last round of the playoffs.

–

Manny Pacquiao said President Obama’s views on gay marriage are a “direct attack on the morals of society and the will of God, saying that “America should be the model of morality for other countries to emulate.” Right, and who in the U.S. are better to judge standards of morality than professional athletes?

–

Mitt Romney is alleging a “personal beef” between the Clintons and President Obama. And Mitt should know about these things – he has such warm relationships with his fellow Republicans….

–

Mitchell Guist,, star reality TV star from “Swamp People,” died yesterday in Louisiana. Many Americans responded with “That’s sad news.” Even more Americans responded “What the heck is Swamp People?””

–

An AP/CNBC survey of 1000 Americans said 46% of respondents think Facebook will fade away, and 43% believe the site will be around for a long time. Of course, it took the pollsters over 5000 calls to get that many answers, as most people were too busy updating their Facebook accounts.

–

Jerry Brown thought  California was $9 billion in debt but says now the state is  really $16 billion in debt.   Is he running for election or for CEO of JPMorgan.

–

Even after he apologized for the company’s $2 billion trading loss, shareholders just approved JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon’s $23 million pay package at the bank’s annual meeting. And just try being a week late with your Chase credit card payment.

–

Pacers 78-Heat 75.  Okay,  it’s only game one.   But might this be the first May in memory that we have a big sporting win in Indiana – that has nothing to do with lots of very fast left turns?

–

Blue Jays third baseman Brett Lawrie spiked his helmet after a bad 3rd strike call in the bottom of the 9th, and it hit the umpire. So he’ll probably be suspended. At least this probably won’t happen in San Francisco or Anaheim. These days in that situation those teams wouldn’t hit anything.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

A bite with Mitt?

May 15, 2012

Donors to Obama’s campaign were entered into a drawing to have dinner with the President and George Clooney.    Donors to Romney’s campaign get a drawing to have “a bite with Mitt.”    Just Mitt.    What, Ted Nugent wasn’t available?

–

–

An investigation found that Newark at TSA took corrective actions for only 42% of security breaches at the airport between 1/1/10 and 5/31/11. But hey, they confiscated several thousand bottles of water.

–

While gas prices have come down in most of the country, they have spiked in California in the last couple weeks, apparently due to “refinery issues.” What’s a “refinery issue?” I think it’s “We have the refineries, we can charge whatever the h*ll we want.”

–

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski says London 2012 will be the last Olympics he coaches the U.S. men’s basketball team. Guess if coach K wanted to spend time with overpaid prima donnas, he’d just move to the SEC.

–

Ron Paul announced he’ll stop campaigning for President. Which means he’ll be getting about the same amount of media coverage he’s gotten so far in 2012.

–

MLB dropped its 100-game suspension of Rockies catcher Eliezer Alfonzo for a positive drug test because the sample wasn’t sent in promptly enough. So once again, “If the urine sits, you must acquit.”

–

Former New Jersey high school star Billy Rowell, the Baltimore Oriole’s 1st round draft pick in 2006, has been suspended for 50 games for a 2nd violation of the minor league’s drug testing program. Uh, wouldn’t you think someone caught once would be more careful? Even Snooki is thinking this was stupid.

–

Oklahoma City Thunder 119, Los Angeles Lakers 90. If this keeps up when the series heads to Staples Center Jack Nicholson will ditch the sunglasses in favor of a paper bag over his head.

–

From T.C.  “So what’s the diff between USDA Select, USDA Choice, USDA Prime and Kobe? ”  They are just different grades of Dead Meat!   –

–

So the chief investment officer at JPMorgan Chase is out, to be replaced by Matt Zames. Who according to CNN was “formerly a senior trader at Long-Term Capital Management, the failed hedge fund that placed massive bets on the trajectory of interest rates and required a $3.6 billion bailout from the Fed in 1998.” Well, that should inspire confidence.

–

The number #2 name for baby boys in the U.S. in 2011 was “Mason.” Which allegedly is due to Khloe Kardashian’s naming her son Mason. If so this is the kind of thing that makes one fear for our country’s future.

–

A California man has been arrested for allegedly driving at speeds of up to 104 mph with his 9 year old son and a teammate because they were late for a kids’ soccer game. And many parents are going “100 mph for soccer? How crazy can you be? Now, for a Little League game, maybe.”

–

The Bachelorette” starts tonight with Emily Maynard. Host Chris Harrison says that because Emily is a single mom the show won’t be “the superficial drama you’ve seen in seasons past.” Right, it will be a different kind of superficial drama.

–

Virgin Atlantic has announced they will start allowing passengers to make and receive phone calls in flight. Meaning a crying baby may soon not be the worst possible seatmate.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

Bad actors?

May 14, 2012

NBA commissioner David Stern, on allegations of “flopping” by the Miami Heat.   “I think it’s time to look at (it) in a more serious way.  We should give out Oscars rather than MVP trophies.” Unless of course our MVP’s are doing the acting.

 

–

On a more serious note, for those worried about signs of the apocalypse,  the headline  “Clippers win playoff series”  has to be right up there.

 

–

–

 

Metta says he won’t shake hands with James Harden. So once again we have the disappointment of no handshake for World Peace.

–

Milwaukee Brewers closer John Axford says said his blown save this week put his wife into labor. If true, there should be a lot of new baby Mets fans born today on Mother’s Day.

(for those who missed the train wreck, New York took a 4-2 lead into the bottom of the ninth in Miami, and lost 8-4.)

 

–

 

A dancing dog won “Britain’s Got Talent.” I guess a “Dancing With the Stars” Nancy Grace joke would be inappropriate….

 

(or as Augie says, “if were a dancing bitch, a Bristol Palin joke would have been inappropriate.”)

 

–

Man City won the EPL title in a major upset on a goal difference today. And most Americans responded “I have no idea what that sentence means.”

 

–

The CEO of JPMorgan Chase said his bank made a “terrible, egregious mistake” in losing $2 billion trading credit derivatives in the last six weeks. But says the bank is still very strong. Well, yeah $2 billion is only a fraction of the $25 billion they received in TARP money.

 

And on the subject of mistakes, egregious and otherwise,  of course many Americans know how wonderfully understanding Chase is when a mistake makes a customer late with a credit card bill.

–

 

 

 

Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson apparently has resigned.  What next? Well, it ought to be interesting when he sits down with a recruiter and his resume.

–

 

 

 

The Los Angeles Kings took a 1-0 lead tonight in the NHL Western Conference Final. “That’s awesome” was the second most common response in Los Angeles. “We  have a hockey team?” was the first.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Happy Mother’s Day.

May 13, 2012

This must be the most stressful day of the year for NBA players –  so many baby mamas –  so little time.

–

Bill O’Reilly dismissed the Mitt Romney prep school bullying story as “dumb,” and added that “Everyone does stupid things in high school, and added that he himself shot someone in the back with a BB gun. Is O’Reilly defending Romney or campaigning to be Vice President?

–

The second round of the NBA playoffs has started before the first round has ended. More of the league’s efforts to make the postseason as confusing and nonsensical as the regular season.

–

Baylor basketball star Brittney Griner will be in a cast for four weeks after a skateboarding accident. I guess this is another step towards equality – young women athletes being as stupid as young men.

–

Eduardo Saverin – no problem building a company that started linking students at U.S. universities, with U.S investment, and U.S. educated employees But when it’s time to pay 15% U.S. capital gains tax – hey, I’m outta here. See you, suckers.

–

With the way the GOP is trying to make an issue of President Obama’s support of gay marriage I hope none of them plan to go out to restaurants or have their hair done at their National Convention in Tampa.

–

Three of the “Top Ten” plays tonight on ESPN are from….lacrosse? Let me guess which network is covering (and selling ad space) for the NCAA men’s lacrosse championship.

–

From my friend Gary Bachmann:  “Betty White says she usually keeps her political views to herself, but this year she is announcing her preference for Barack Obama. This is her first public show of support for a candidate since she came out in favor of John Quincy Adams.”

–

A top GOP pollster is circulating a memo saying that the party needs to evolve on gay issues. Wonder what upsets some conservatives in the party most – The idea of giving more rights to homosexuals, or the idea of evolving?

–

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer just signed a bill that allow employers to ask workers whether or not their prescription birth control pills are for medical, non-sexual reasons. Where’s the follow up bill to allow them to limit Viagra prescriptions to married men with pre-menopausal wives, and then only once a month for conception reasons?

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

L.A. L.A. land

May 11, 2012

The  Los Angeles Lakers have been pushed to a game 7 by the lowly Denver Nuggets.  Maybe they’re just trying to prove that money and talent are nothing without World Peace.

–

Much excitement on ESPN etc that Tiger Woods has made the cut this weekend and will at least finish the Players’ Championship. Wow So finishing is now a goal? Woods has gone from Jack Nicklaus to Danica Patrick.

–

Corporations are greedy people example of the day: American Airlines charges extra for “preferred” seat assignments. Fair enough. But on a plane where coach goes back to row 32, the “preferred” seats are EVERY aisle and window as far back as row 25.  –

–

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band have announced a concert at Fenway Park on Aug. 14. Well, at least Boston fans can look forward to one guaranteed day in 2012 of cheering for big hits.

–

NBC is axing Tina Fey’s “30 Rock” after next season, along with “Parks and Recreation” and “Communities.” Guess the network is looking for new and different ways to be last in the ratings.

–

A thought about that Time magazine picture of the mom breastfeeding her 4-year old. While it’s a free country, it might be considered a bit creepy if your kid is old enough to text when he/she wants milk.

–

Get out the violins – Josh Beckett in response to criticism of his playing golf on an off-day and then being too sore to pitch: ”We get 18 off days a year, I think we deserve a little bit of time to ourselves.” Well, at least looks like Beckett and the rest of the Red Sox will have another October off.-

–

If Beckett makes any more stupid comments,  following the whole beer-fried chicken debacle in 2011, we may see a study checking pitchers for concussions.

–

“Angry Birds” has now been downloaded a billion times. Which means a lot more people have used their phones to play the game than actually to call and talk to someone.

–

Another thought about Scott Thompson, the Yahoo CEO who blames his phony degree on his resume on some hiring firm: Ever notice how when there are resume “mistakes” they never make the person look less educated or as if he or she went to a lesser school?

 

–

Ah commas, another whacky liberal invention. This typo on Mitt Romney’s website about Gun Rights: “As president, Mitt will work to expand and enhance access and opportunities for Americans to hunt, shoot, and protect their families,  homes and property.”

–

Many conservatives are saying that President Obama’s statement on gay marriage was politically motivated. Wonder what their explanation is about Mitt Romney speaking at Liberty, a Christian university with a Theology course on “The history, doctrines, and present state of the major cults such as Mormonism, Christian Science, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventism.”

 

–

 

From Marc Ragovin:  “Tim Tebow has changed the name of his dog from “Bronco” to “Bronx,” even though the Jets play in the Jersey Meadowlands. Good to see the cross country move hasn’t affected his accuracy.”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

We Hoped, we got Change….

May 9, 2012

Some folks can’t decide if they are madder at President Obama today because he said he now supports gay marriage, or because he said he came to the idea through evolution.

–

Just wondering.  How come conservatives who are anti-gay marriage love to quote the Bible on homosexuality, but somehow forget all the verses on incest and polygamy etc?

–

“I am more convinced than ever before that as we seek to establish full equality for America’s gay and lesbian citizens, I will provide more effective leadership than my opponent.” A quote in response to Obama’s statement today? No, a 1994 statement from Mitt Romney while running against Ted Kennedy.

–

Since marriages are in the headlines today, anyone else thinking that these NBA playoffs are going to last longer than Kim Kardashian’s and Kris Humphries’s marriage?

Amazing listening to all the conservatives criticizing President Obama’s statement that he now supports gay marriage. Where was this bashing when the same position was stated by Dick Cheney?

–

Sheryl Crow forgot the lyrics to “Soak Up the Sun” during a Florida concert, and laughed it off with “I’m 50 what can I say! My brain has gone to s-.” Well, if true this ought to be entertaining when Aerosmith tours this summer….

–

A Boston radio station is reporting that two days before he missed a start because of muscle stiffness, Red Sox starter Josh Beckett was playing golf. Hmm, maybe he’d have been better off sticking to recreational fried chicken and beer.

Patricia Krentcil, the “tanorexic” mom, has apparently been banned from several New Jersey tanning salons. So when can we expect John Boehner to stand up for the rights of orange people?

–

Michelle Bachmann has used her husband Marcus’s heritage to claim dual Swiss citizenship. And Switzerland is saying “Wait a minute, I thought we and the U.S. had a mutual non-aggression pact.”

–

Former Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino’s motorcycle, the one he was riding at midnight with his mistress, is for sale.. Value of the 2007 Harley Davidson, approx $16,000. Repair cost: $18.000. Cost of the ride to Petrino’s reputation: Priceless.-

–

The NY Times is reporting that NCAA is already investigating Nerlens Noel, a top high school basketball recruit who has committed to play for John Calipari’s Kentucky Wildcats. Hmm, if they find something could that make Noel a “none and done?”

–

Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer says he needs more time and has asked for another delay in the former Penn State asst. coach’s sexual abuse trial. Presumably until say, 2035?

–

Richard Lugar on Tea Party activist Richard Mourdock, who defeated him in the primary. “His embrace of an unrelenting partisan mindset is irreconcilable with my philosophy of governance.” And Mourdock’s supporters probably respond with “There Lugar goes again, with all those fancy foreign words.”

So many closers injured,  so many ineffective.   This is really tough for the Yankees.  They haven’t yet figured who they want to buy to replace Mariano Riviera.

–

Oft-injured Josh Hamilton led a group of Texas Rangers in an impromptu “Slip and Slide” game today on the tarp before a rain out at Baltimore Camden Yards. Rangers management cannot have been amused. . But “Boys will be boys” responded AL pitchers.

–

From Gary M. “How about Josh Hamilton’s line last night at Baltimore: 5 hits, 4 home runs, 8 rbi, 4 runs scored, 18 total bases. Or, as the Mariners would call it: April.”

 

–

 

 

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

Carolina Blues.

May 9, 2012

North Carolina voters passed a amendment to the state constitution defining marriage as strictly between a man and a woman. Really? Can a loving gay couple possibly do as much damage to the institution of marriage as say, John Edwards?

Reading about the John Edwards trial. Anyone else think that in a just world he and Rielle Hunter would be sentenced to spending the rest of their lives together?

–

Some think this vote is the most embarrassing thing to happen in North Carolina since the Charlotte Bobcats.

–

–

This just in: Cole Hamels says he would have just hit Josh Hamilton.

–

From T.C.    Cole Hamels suspended and fined for beaning Bryce Harper on purpose. On the bright side, the city of New Orleans just made him an Honorary Captain of the Saints.

–

Hell  potentially  freezes over department: Okay, it is now possible that the Clippers may last longer in the NBA playoffs than the Lakers.

–

The Charlotte Bobcats are reportedly interested in Patrick Ewing for their head coaching position. Heck, with their record last year, maybe they should consider him as a player.

–

An Indiana man was arrested for driving with four children strapped to the roof of his car. Wonder if he had a Romney bumpersticker?

–

As a way to fight obesity, Massachusetts has banned the school bake sale. You know you might be too PC when even Californians say “That’s insane.”

–

Mitt “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt” Romney, is now taking credit for the auto industry’s recovery. What’s next, John Edwards taking credit for defending traditional marriage?  –

Rick Santorum says he’s against smoking, but he doesn’t want a law against smoking. But he’s against gay marriage, and he wants a law against gay marriage. Hmm, which of these things he doesn’t like actually can HURT people?

–

A Florida man was arrested at BWI airport with a loaded Glock in his carry-on. He said he “forgot” the gun was in his bag. What, did he miss it under his quart plastic bag of toiletries?

–

Mike McQueary has filed a whistleblower suit against Penn State. He’s the asst. football coach who first reported seeing Jerry Sandusky and the boy in the showers back in 2001. But then did nothing further. Uh, Mike, if you had REALLY blown the whistle, you wouldn’t be in the mess, career and otherwise, that you are in now.

–

North Carolina passed that state constitutional amendment saying marriage is between a man and a woman. So if you’re a state resident who wants to marry someone who looks like you, you’d better stick to relatives.

 

–

Rush Limbaugh is fighting back against his anti-woman reputation by touting his new “National Organization for Rush Babes.” Now, nothing against conservative women, but “Rush Babes?” What’s the requirement, a bust size larger than your IQ?

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »